Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 19 - The Calzone - full transcript

George gets Steinbrenner hooked on eggplant calzones from a local Italian restaurant. But George gets banned from the restaurant when he's accused of stealing from the tip jar. He then asks Kramer to pick up the calzones, but Kramer gets kicked out when he tries to pay with pennies. George's last resort in getting the calzones is Newman who wants a cut of every delivery. Meanwhile, Kramer will only wear clothing if it's straight from the dryer.

Have you noticed that every place
has that tip jar on the counter?

What is the service that
this tip is for, anyway?

I mean, isn't the man basically
just turning around?

Isn't that really all it is?

I think we're tipping people now just
for the absence of outright hostility.

"Thanks very much,
and here's something extra...

...for not taking my head...

...and smashing my face
through the glass countertop.

Really good service here."

Well, currently the doors on the
bathroom stalls here at the stadium...

...don't offer much by way of privacy.

I was thinking, if we extend the doors
all the way down to the floor...

Are you out of your mind?
You'd suffocate in there.

You're lucky to have doors.
When I was in the Army...

Costanza, what is that you're eating?
Looks pretty tasty.

- It's a calzone, sir.
- Calzone, huh?

Let's see it. Pass that down.
Let's get a look.

Big Stein wants a little taste.
Come on.

Pass it down. That's a good boy.

Okay, let's...
Hey, what's in this thing?

Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant.

Eggplant, huh?
That's a hell of a thing.

All right. Back to business.
Here you go.

Very good. Very good. Excellent.

Excellent little calzone you got there,

Okay. A little jealous.
All right. Here we go.

Like I told you last week...

...the renovation of the press box
is taking too long.

That eggplant was very good.

Everybody out.
I've got eggplant on my mind.

Costanza, go get me a couple
of calzones right now.

Pronto. Move it out.

Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone.
He must have one.

Everybody out. Hurry up, hurry up.

Who are you having dinner with?

Oh, one of these fabric wholesalers,
this guy Todd Gack.

- I won a bet from him.
- Yeah, what bet?

He bet me that Dustin Hoffman
was in Star Wars.

- Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?
- Yeah.

Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader?
I don't think so.

Yeah, that's what I said.

So the bet was the loser
has to buy dinner?


- What?
- No, nothing.

- What's with you?
- Feel this.

- Wow, that's hot.
- Yes, piping hot.

It's fresh out of the dryer.

Hey, Elaine, you gotta
feel my pants.

I'll see you later.

All right. You don't know
what you're missing.

I'm loving this.

I'll never put on another
piece of clothing...

...unless it's straight from the dryer.

Every time you get dressed,
you'll use the basement dryer?

Oh, yeah. It's a warm
and wonderful feeling, Jerry.

- So, what are you doing later?
- I got a date with Nicki.

- Oh, yeah, she's a beauty.
- Oh, yeah. She's also quite bold.

Bold and beautiful.

This calzone is fantastic.

And look, the pita pocket
prevents it from dripping.

The pita pocket.

Yeah, what is it, Watson?

A lost and found, huh?
No, I don't think we need that.

If people can't hold onto things,
tough luck.

You got a little junk on your lip,
by the way.

You know, a lost and found
could be a good idea.

Hold it, Watson.

- You like the lost and found, George?
- Definitely.

All right. A lost and found.

But there's gotta be a time limit.
We're not running a pawnshop here.

- Hey, Elaine.
- Jerry, hi.

- This is Nicki.
- Hi.

Hello. This is Todd Gack.

Oh, of course, Todd Gack.

Who did you bet was in Star Wars?
Sammy Davis Jr.?

So, what movie are you guys
gonna see?

Means to an End.

We were gonna see that too,
but it's sold out.

So we're going to see
Blame It On The Rain.

- Why don't you see what you can do.
- Okay.

What 's she gonna do?
They don't have any more tickets.

We'll see.

Hey, Jerry, you like cigars?

- Yeah, why?
- I'm going to Montreal tomorrow.

They sell Cubans there dirt cheap.

That's a nice idea
for George's wedding.

- Should I get you a box?
- lf they're cheap, why not?

All right, I'll buy them
and get them to Elaine.

Okay. Two tickets.

- Means to an End.
- Told you.

- How did you do that?
- I just talked to the manager.

- All right, enjoy Blame It On The Rain.
- Nice meeting you.

So they're putting in
a lost and found because of me.

I mean, there's a time limit, but still.

They're really building
a Utopian society up there.

- And you attribute this to the calzone?
- Yeah.

I'm like a drug dealer.
I got the guy hooked.

I'm having lunch at his desk every day
this week, just him and me.

He doesn't make a move without me.
It's very exciting.

Boy, with you two guys at the helm,
the last piece of the puzzle is in place.


So let me ask you a question
about the tip cup...

...because I had a little thing with
the calzone guy there this week.

I go to drop a buck in the tip jar...

...and just as I'm about to drop it in,
he looks the other way.

So then, as I'm leaving,
he gives me a look lik e.

"Thanks for nothing."

- You got no credit.
- Exactly.

It's like I'm throwing a buck away.

I mean, if they don't notice it,
what's the point?

So you don't make a habit of
giving to the blind?

Not bills.

Remember I was telling you how Nicki
always gets whatever she wants?

We're at the movies last night,
it's sold out...

...Nicki goes and talks
to the manager... right in.

Beautiful women.
You know, they get away with murder.

You never see one of them
lift anything over three pounds.

They do what they want,
when they want.

- Nobody can stop them.
- She's like a beautiful Godzilla.

And I'm thousands of
fleeing Japanese.


What the hell is all this?

It's my change.

I need quarters for the dryer.

Why can't you do this on your table?

Because I don't have a table.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, so how was
Blame It On The Rain?

Hey, thanks for getting
us tickets too.

Elaine, let me ask you a question.

Was the movie part of the bet?

No, we were both
in the mood for one.

You know, Elaine...'s not my way to intrude on
the personal lives of close friends...

- Oh, is that so?
- Absolutely.

- but I feel I must inform you
that what happened last night...

...was more than a simple bet.

- What are you talking about?
- Come on.

Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?

He made a bet he knew
he was gonna lose...

...just to take you to dinner.

Oh, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, if he wanted to ask me out,
why didn't he just ask me?

If he doesn't ask you out,
he doesn't get rejected.

He's found a dating loophole.

I don't buy it.

What happened after the movie?

Nothing. He walked me home.

- To the door?
- Yeah.

- That's a date.
- No, it's not.

But I never walk you home.

That's just because
you're a jackass.

I found a quarter. Okay.

- Anybody want their clothes heated up?
- No, no, no, thanks.

How'd you leave it?

I'm supposed to meet him
to pick up your cigars.

That's another loophole.

That's two dates
without asking you out.

- You're crazy.
- Crazy like a man.

- Number 49.
- You know, my last name is Costanza.

That's Italian.

So you and I are kind of like
countrymen. Paisanos.

- Six fifty your change.
- Yes.

And I always take care of my paisanos,
so here's a little something...


Hey, hey, you steal my money?

No, you don't understand.
I wasn't taking it out.

I know what you tried to do.
Get out of here.

Don't come back again, ever.

- Or I break your head open like a...!
- Oh, my God.

I got the calzones, Mr. Steinbrenner.

Oh, beautiful. I'm starving, George.

So I thought tomorrow
maybe we'd try a little corned beef.

Corned beef?

I don't think so.
It's a little fatty, don't you think?

- How about Chinese?
- Chinese?

No, too many containers.
Big mess. Big mess, very sloppy.

We're gonna stick with
the calzones from Paisano's.

That's the ticket.

I just thought it'd be nice,
a little variety.

No, no, no.

When I find something I like,
I stick with it.

From 1973 to 1982,
I ate the exact same lunch every day.

Turkey chilli in a bowl
made out of bread.

Bread bowl. You eat the chilli,
then you eat the bowl.

Nothing more satisfying than
looking down after lunch...

...and seeing just a table.

Thanks for dinner.

I had to give you these cigars.
And since we were both hungry...

Hey, Todd,
let me ask you a question.

Was this whole bet thing
just a way of asking me out?

- What?
- I mean, Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?

Come on.

Elaine, that was a legitimate bet.
I lost, so I bought you dinner.

- All right. Well, good night.
- Yeah.

If you're not doing anything Saturday
night, you wanna meet somewhere?

Now, what is that?

Is that a date?

Why? Why can't two people
just go and do something...

...without it being a date?

All right, all right. I'm sorry.

- It's not a date.
- No way.

- So I'll see you Saturday?
- All right.

Pick you up at 8.

Know what the posted speed limit
is on this road?

- Gotta be 55.
- That's right, it is.

- You know how fast you were going?
- A lot faster than that.

- Step out of the car, sir.
- Okey-doke.

Can I have your license
and registration?


- Nicki?
- Yeah?

Would you mind bringing
the registration?

Not at all.

I got you on the radar
at 93 miles per hour.

Must have been when
I slowed down to take that curve...

...because for a while there,
I was doing well over 100.



Do you really
have to give us a ticket?

All right, Nick. Let's hit it.

Hey, buddy.

- I'm waiting for my shirt.
- You got your shirt in my oven?

I didn't have enough
quarters for the dryer...

...but this is better
and more convenient.

- Oh, for both of us.
- And I've got a lot more control.

I got a shirt going
for 10 minutes at 325.

What's wrong with your oven?

I'm baking a pie.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Come on up.
- You got cigars?

I got some Cubans
for George's wedding.

It was more than I wanted to spend,
but what the hell.

Oh, baby, yeah.

What are these?

"Producto de Peru."

Jerry, you think those are Cubans?


I paid 300 bucks for these.

I could have got a house in Peru
for 300 bucks.

You got rooked, buddy.

I gotta pay Todd Gack 300 bucks...

...just so he has some excuse to see
Elaine again without asking her out?

That's a nice name, Todd Gack.

What is that, Dutch?

Oh, baby, here we go.

Oh, mama.

Be right back.
Hey, George, hey.

Well, this is really bad now.
I really am in a bad situation now.

What's Steinbrenner gonna do
if he doesn't get his calzone?

What's he gonna do?
That's exactly the point.

Nobody knows what this guy
is capable of.

He fires people like
it's a bodily function.

Why don't you get somebody else
from the office to go to Paisano's?

Before you know it,
he's having lunch with him.

You know how
interoffice politics work.

No, I never had a job.

I decided to go with the brown ones.

What the hell is this?

Kramer's cooking up some corduroy.

There's gotta be some way
to get back into Paisano's.

Oh, Paisano's. That's that place
by the stadium, isn't it?

- Yeah, you've heard of it?
- Newman raves about it.

It's on his mail route.
He stops by there every day.

I'll see you guys later.

- What kind of pie you cooking?
- Huckleberry.

Well, you certainly are in a bind.

Yeah, and I thought since
you go by there every day...

...maybe we could
help each other out.

Let me be perfectly blunt.

I don't care for you, Costanza.

You hang out on the west side
of the building with Seinfeld all day...

...just laughing it up,
wasting your lives.

- You gonna help me or not?
- All right. I'll help you.

I will help you...

...but I will expect
something in return.

- What?
- Well, for starters...

...I want a calzone of my own.

All right.

And a slice of pepperoni pizza.

And a large soda.

And three times a week,
I shall require a cannoli.

A bit steep, don't you think?

You know, I hear that
Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic.

I'd hate to see him
when he's hungry.

- All right! All right!
- Do we have a deal?

Just make sure you get them
to me by 1:00.

- He's regimented about his meals.
- I know exactly how he feels.

Well, nice doing business with you.
Do come again.

- Oh, this is nice.
- Hi.

Gack, party of four.

Party of four? Who are we meeting?

Mom, Dad.

- This is Elaine.
- Hello.


It was nice meeting you.

Bye, Ma.

She's wonderful.

- What the hell was that?
- What?

Why did you
introduce me to your parents?

They're nice people.
I thought you'd like them.

Come on, Todd.
Admit it. This is a date.

Why is this a date?

Saturday night with your parents?

I mean, unless I'm your sister,
this is a date.

I don't understand why
you can't meet someone's parents...

...without classifying it as a date.

- Well, if it's not a date, then what is it?
- It's a lovely evening together.

I don't believe this.

I'm gonna get a cab. Join me?

No, that's okay. I'll just walk home.

All right. Well, good night.

Now, what is that?


What's this?

Well, I was dropping off
the calzone money for the week.

- Shouldn't you be at work by now?
- Work?

It's raining.


I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.

You don't work in the rain?

You're a mailman.

Neither rain nor sleet nor...
It's the first one!

I was never that big on creeds.

You're supposed to deliver
my calzones. We had a deal.

I believe the deal was that
I get your calzones on my route.

Well, today I won't be going
on my route, will I?

Perhaps tomorrow.

- But I'm paying you.
- Yes, thank you.



I thought you wanted cigars
from Cuba.

I did.

If these aren't what you wanted,
why pay him?

Well, what could I do?

Unless... paid him a visit.



- Hey, you.
- Hey.

I need you to do me a favour.
Get me lunch at Paisano's.

- Wait, what happened to Newman?
- He called in sick.

Oh, right. Yeah, it's raining.

Listen, can you do it?

- Well, what time you want it?
- 1:00. You need some money?

No, no, I got eight tons of change.
I gotta unload it.

All right.

Hey, hold that bus!


Hey, buddy.

- It's really wet out there, huh?
- What can I get you?

- I hear you make a mean "calazon."
- Calzone.

- Yeah, calzone, yeah.
- The best.

All right. Well, lay them on me.
I'll have three of them.

- Three calzone.
- Yeah, yeah.

Boy, that's a... That's a big oven.

Hey, listen, I wonder if
you could do me a favour?

- Hey, Todd.
- Hi, Elaine.

- Hi.
- You know Nicki, right?

- Hi, yeah, sure.
- Wait, Elaine will settle this.

Elaine, what does the M stand for
in Richard M. Nixon?

- Milhous.
- I told you so. He said it was Moe.

You owe me a dinner.

All right. Your order is ready.

Three calzones...

...and one hot shirt and jacket.
- Oh, yeah.

This is all burned up. Look at this.

What the hell do I know about
cooking a shirt?

Seven fifty for calzones.

Burned up. I don't know.

- What the hell is this? Pennies?
- Yeah.

- You're paying in change?
- That's all I got.

No, you've got to have bills,
paper money.

- You can't pay with this.
- That's all I got.

- Then you got no calzones.
- Wait a minute! Wait!

What happened to you?
Where are the calzones?

He wouldn't give them to me
because I wanted to pay in change.

- What the hell happened to your shirt?
- He overcooked it.

It's all ruined.

Your clothes smell
just like Paisano's.

There's another Italian place
on Jerome. Maybe I can fool him.

You want me to say it again?
I'll say it again.

I haven't had a pimple since I was 18.
I don't care if you believe me.

And how's this? You're fired.

Okay, you're not.
I'm just a little hungry. I'm sorry.

This Costanza. Where's my calzone?

It's 1: 15. He's late.

Wait a second. I gotta call you back.

That smell. I know that smell.

He's in the building.
Costanza is in the building.

And he's not in this office.

He's got the calzone! Costanza!

I catch you, I'm killing you,

Stupid cigars.

If I didn't send Nicki
over to Todd with these...

...they never would have
gotten together.

These are terrible.

It's like trying to smoke
a chicken bone.

What kind of a name is
Todd Gack anyway?

I think it's Dutch.

I gotta get going.

Where are you going?

I promised Nicki
I'd walk her dog for her.

- But she dumped you.
- I know, I know.

But somehow she explained it to me,
I couldn't say no.

- Smells like a rubber fire.
- What's that?

I said "rubber fire."

Did you end up paying Todd
for these things?

Actually, it's being taken care of
right now.

- Hey, you Gack?
- Yeah.

Yeah, here's your money.

What did he do with it?
It's gotta be here.

I'm not crazy. I can smell it.

These clothes.

Costanza, how come these
clothes smell like calzones?

My friend put them
in the pizza oven.

Put them in a pizza oven?
What for?

To heat them up.

That is not a bad idea.
What about this?

We'll put all the uniforms in
pizza ovens before the game.

That's fantastic.
Keep those muscles loosey-goosey.

This could be big.
Clean up this mess, will you?

Big Stein's onto something.

I smell a pennant!