Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 18 - The Wig Master - full transcript

I was thinking about the wig
historically.

I guess The Revolutionary War was
the last war fought in wigs...

and it seems like that must have
been hard. They're going into battle;

"Well, do I have my bullets?
Do I have my bobby pins?"

You gotta make sure you have
everything. Lot more to worry about.

"What if I get killed?
Is my wig on straight?"

I don't know when the whole wig thing
came into style for a man...

but I know when it went out;

When the mirror was invented.

No guy is looking in a mirror...

powdering a thatch of horsehair
on his head, going;



"All right, let's go
rap to the ladies."

- I'm looking for a crested blazer.
- A crested blazer.

I wore one once, and I really think
it did something for me.

Yes, I think we might
have something.

The Joseph Abboud crested blazer
is the finest.

That's hand ticking
around the crest...

and these are the world-famous
corisso buttons...

made from
the finest antelope horn.

Then they'll match my sneakers.

It looks fabulous on you.
Shall I wrap it up?

You know, I'm not sure.

I'll tell you what.

I'll come back later with someone,
see what they think.

- Really, I'll be back.
- Yeah.



So I didn't like the crest all that much,
but the guy spent 15 minutes with me.

To get out of the store, I said I wanted
to see what someone else thought.

Then he makes a face
like he doesn't believe me.

So he knew
you were making it up?

Yeah, he caught me.

So here's what I want you to do.

Come with me to the store,
and we'll pretend to look at the coat.

That's ridiculous.

Why go back there
if you don't want the coat?

Because he thinks I was lying.
I wanna show him I wasn't.

But you were.

But if you go back with me,
then I'm not.

All right, fine. Whatever.

Problems with the houseguest?

What houseguest?

This friend of Susan's
is staying with us for two weeks.

Now, am I wrong,
or is that excessive?

Well, Bob Sacamano, he stayed
with me once for a year and a half.

- Who is he?
- He's a wig master.

- What is a wig master?
- He's with the touring company...

of Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat.

He's the guy in charge of the wigs.

Boy, imagine liking wigs to the point
it becomes a career choice.

So how about some tickets, George?
You know, I'd kill for a peek.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.
I gotta drop my car off at the new lot.

- What lot's that?
- Jiffy Park. It's incredible.

Seventy-five dollars a month.

Seventy-five bucks a month?

You get this cool T-shirt
when you sign up.

Oh, I'm down.

Remember me? I said I'd come back
with someone, and I did.

- Surprised?
- No, I believed you.

This is Elaine.

Oh, hello. I'm Craig.

Oh, hi.

Well, here it is.

Joseph Abboud.

And look at this hand ticking
around the crest.

You know your clothes.

Well, I'm in the biz.
I work for J. Peterman.

I love J. Peterman.
I especially enjoy the catalog.

Those fanciful narratives
really take me away.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- You know what? I write those.
- No.

Elaine, what about the crest?
What do you think of the crest here?

Well, I love it.

- You what?
- I think it's great.

- I think you should get it.
- Well....

- Will it be check or credit card?
- Check.

I'll need you to write down your
phone number on the check for me.

Perhaps you could do the same.

You weren't supposed to say that.

- But I really did like it.
- That's not the point.

You put me in a position
where I had no choice.

Sorry.

What about that guy
asking you out right in front of me?

What is the big deal?

It was very emasculating. He doesn't
know the nature of our relationship.

You're there approving new clothes.
That's a girlfriend job.

How dare he?

He dared.

Hi, George. How was your day?

Good. Good day.

- You?
- I am getting so much work done.

- See?
- Very nice.

Hey, sweetie, how was your day?

I already asked him that.
He said, "Good. Good day."

Thank God you're home.
I'm locked out.

I dropped my car at Jiffy Park...

and I forgot to take
my apartment key off the ring.

- So you got my spare?
- No, I gave it back to you.

You did?

Well, look,
can you take me over there?

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, come on, Jerry.

- It's all the way over to 12th Avenue.
- I didn't tell you to park there.

Now someone's gotta drive you
every time you need your car?

- Take the bus.
- I'm not gonna take the bus.

That's why I got a car.

- Forget it.
- I'm gonna get George to pick me up.

He won't take you.

Got it, got it. Hello?

Can you take me over to Jiffy Park?

Yeah, I'll pick you up right now.
All right. Okay. Gotta go.

So the wig mas...

The wig master said
you could stop by the theater tonight...

and he'll show you around.

Would you pick a station!

I like them all.

Oh, great.

Now the volume knob fell off.

What's this?

- Oh, God.
- What?

It's a c...

It's a condom!

How do you like working there
at The Andover Shop?

I mean, it's pretty swanky.
Upscale clientele.

Except for Jerry.

So did you see anything you liked?

Because I can get you
a considerable discount.

Really? Well, actually,
yeah, I did see...

this amazing little black dress.
It was sleeveless.

- The Nicole Miller.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I'll take care of it.
- Really?

But I barely know you.

Well, we'll just have to
do something about that, won't we?

- Hey, Greg.
- It's Craig.

Oh, right. Nice lunch with Elaine?

Yes, lovely.

You know, I'm just curious, how did
you know she wasn't my girlfriend?

Well, I could just sense it.

You know, we used to go out.

- Oh, you did?
- Oh, yeah, we went way out and wild.

- Hey, Jer.
- Hi, Elaine.

Would you like to buy a rose
for your wife?

How do you know
she's not my wife?

I wanna know,
how did that get into my car?

Hey, look, you walk in this city,
things are gonna stick to your foot.

You open your car and... condom.

That doesn't explain
the lipstick on the dashboard.

Here, take a few shirts.

- What?
- I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Kramer...

but we can't get your car now.
The keys have been misplaced.

I need those keys. I won't be able
to get into my apartment.

Mr. Kramer, you like Cadillacs?

Yeah, I like Cadillacs.
Why, what do you got on your mind?

Take that pink Cadillac Eldorado
over there.

It's a Mary Kay car.

- Mary Kay?
- Mary Kay car.

I'll see you later.
Thanks for driving me.

Hey, what's happening?

I'm gonna hang around here
a little while.

Something funny going on here.

You were wrong about Craig.
He's a very sweet guy.

Well, what about the ponytail?

- What about it?
- Come on.

Ponytail? Get real.

All I know is he promised me
a discount on that dress.

Of course he did.
The guy's working you.

Oh, Jerry, I've been around enough
to know when I'm being worked.

- Have you slept with him yet?
- I just met him this morning.

It's been known to happen.

I'm telling you right now, Elaine...

this guy's gonna dangle that dress
in front of you...

Iike a dirt farmer
dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

Well, this is all very flattering...

- Like a shark fisherman with chum.
- Okay.

- Like a shrimp farmer...
- Okay.

Well, that's the grand tour...

- but I saved the best for last.
- Oh, yeah.

Behold, the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Spectacular.

Excuse me. Would you mind
if I ask you a few questions?

Are you a cop?

Oh, no, no. No, I'm not a cop.
I work for the Yankees.

They stink.

Nevertheless, I was wondering
if you and your friends...

are doing business
here at the Jiffy Park?

You know,
what do you people call it?

Turning tricks?

Anyway, see, the thing is,
I found a condom in my car.

Now, I'm not saying it's yours...

I just wanna know
if I should change parking lots.

Get lost, mister.
I'm trying to make a living here.

I'll pay for your time.
I just need some information.

How much do you want?
Ten? Fifteen?

- You have change for 20?
- Fifteen?

- Well....
- George?

Hi, honey.

- I hope that you're telling me the truth.
- Of course I'm telling the truth.

Because I have to be able
to trust you.

If I can't trust you,
there's no way that this can work.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, then you really have
something to think about...

because, you know,
if there's any doubt in your mind...

And it doesn't even have
to be a big doubt, you know.

Even a tiny doubt,
a dot of a doubt...

There's no doubt.

Because if there's any doubt at all,
I feel that we should cultivate it.

Cultivate it?

Yes, you know, deal with it.
We have to deal with the doubt, Susan.

The doubt must be dealt with.

I have no doubt, George. Do you?

No.

You know, I can't wait
to get that dress.

Yeah, it should arrive imminently.

Arrive?

- Yes, from Milan.
- But you said it was in the store.

No, no, no. We sold out.
We've had to order some more.

- But I thought Nicole Miller was ma...
- Well...

- Ian.
- Hey, Craig.

Elaine, this is Ian.

- Oh, hi, Ian.
- Ian.

- Ian.
- Ian.

He's a friend of mine from England.

So tell me, how are you doing?

Well, I'm working over
at The Andover Shop, actually.

You should come by.

I'll get you a great discount.

Maybe I will.

- Nice meeting you.
- Oh, nice to meet you.

- Cheerio.
- Bye, Ian.

So you getting him a discount too?

Well, why so surprised?

No reason.

That clothing salesman had a lot of
nerve hitting on Elaine in front of me.

He stands to make a big commission
too, on that jacket with the crest...

that nobody seems to like.

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna take that jacket back.

I'm putting this guy
right out of commission.

All right. I'm gonna turn in.

- Turn in?
- Yeah, I had a tough day.

It's only 9:00.

Yeah, well, you know,
I don't argue with the body, Jerry.

That's an argument you can't win.

I can't go to sleep at 9:00.

Well, you can
go to your room and read.

Hey, look, you know,
you're the one who's locked out.

I'm letting you stay here.
You're wearing my bathrobe.

You should adapt to me.

But I'm tired.

Why don't you go sleep
at Newman's?

Oh, he's got a girl up there.

This quilt is too thin.
I know I'm gonna get cold.

I don't even fit on this couch.

I don't even know if I'm gonna sleep.

Well, that's all I've got.

Well, can I sleep with you?

Well, you've got that big,
comfortable bed...

and that nice, warm quilt.

Kramer, there's no way
you're sleeping with me.

- Why?
- Why?

- Yeah.
- Do I really have to explain why?

- Well, l...
- Hey.

- Hey.
- What's that?

Squire's walking stick.
I had to write about it for the catalog.

- You want it?
- Yeah.

You can have it.
I don't need it anymore.

Oh, mama.

Okay, so I am positive
you are wrong about Craig.

Yeah, why?

Because he told a man he'd give him
a discount too. A man, Jerry.

- So? Who is he?
- Some friend of his from England.

Don't you see?

- It's all a big scam.
- You're nuts.

Well, how do you know he's not
wondering the same thing about you?

- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?

Well, perhaps he thinks that
you're working him for the discount.

Shaking that little butt of yours
into big, big savings.

Then when you get it, you know,
you drop him like a hot potato.

Oh, please.

No, see, the two of you
need to work on trust.

And then, and only then...

will there be a free exchange
of sex and discounts.

The cornerstones
of a healthy relationship.

And now, if you would excuse us...

we need to get to bed.

Yeah.

This patio furniture's on sale.

Excuse me.
I think I made a big mistake.

- I'd like my deposit back, please.
- What's the problem?

You got hookers turning tricks
in my car. How's that for starters?

That is all hearsay.

All right, very good.
I'd like my car and deposit back.

- Can't do it.
- What do you mean?

If you read the agreement,
the deposit is nonrefundable.

Does it say anything
in the contract...

about my car
being used as a whorehouse?

I don't remember reading
that clause either.

What can I tell you, buddy?
Take it up with Consumer Affairs.

All right, just give me my car
and let me get the hell out of here.

That's going to be a problem.

- Why?
- It's all the way in the back.

We can't get it out
for a couple of days.

What are you talking about?
I want my car.

We ask that you
please bear with us.

Bear with you?

This is a parking lot.

People are supposed
to be able to get their cars.

Ideally.

Excuse me,
I'd like to return this jacket.

Certainly. May I ask why?

For spite.

Spite?

That's right. I don't care for
the salesman that sold it to me.

I don't think you can
return an item for spite.

- What do you mean?
- If there was some problem with it...

if it were unsatisfactory in some way,
then we could do it for you.

But I'm afraid spite doesn't fit
any of our conditions for a refund.

I wanna return it. What's the difference
what the reason is?

Let me speak with the manager.
Excuse me.

Bob?

This gentleman.... Spite.

- What seems to be the problem?
- I wanna return this jacket.

She asked me why, I said, "For spite,"
and now she won't take it back.

That's true. We can't return an item
based purely on spite.

Well, so fine, then. Then I don't
want it. That's why I'm returning it.

Well, you already said spite, so....

- But I changed my mind.
- No, you said spite.

Too late.

- Nice hat.
- Get a calendar, honey. It's the '90s.

- Elaine.
- Oh, hey.

These are my friends,
Jerry and Elaine.

- Hi.
- Hi, how are you doing?

- I'm Charmaine.
- I'm Ethan.

Yeah, she's the costume designer,
and he's the wig master for the show.

- Oh, you're staying with George.
- Right, George.

I get the feeling
he doesn't want me there.

He doesn't even want himself there.

- Why don't you sit down and join us?
- All right.

I can't. I've gotta go meet a friend.

Well, what are we, dog meat?

Another champagne coolie, please.

- You have really beautiful hair.
- Oh, thanks. Thanks very much.

Ever thought of selling it?
It would make a brilliant wig.

- They make wigs out of human hair?
- And pay plenty for them.

Okay, well, you guys
are gonna have fun here.

- All right.
- See you later.

I just remembered, I gotta get
the Dreamcoat from the dry cleaner.

- You'll let me wear the other one?
- Yeah, but you have to be careful.

- It's my only backup.
- Who do you think you're talking to?

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

There's your champagne coolie.

Well, looks like
it's just you and me, cowboy.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, here we are.

I am beat.

That's nice.

So....

So do you have any idea when
the Nicole Millers are coming in?

Oh, yeah, the Nicole Millers.

Well, the funniest thing.

I've learned that the new shipment's
coming by boat...

which does tend to take a bit longer,
what with the waves and all.

So you'll just have to be
a little bit patient.

So you have no idea
when they'll arrive?

No, I'm really not sure.

How can you love a guy like that?
He's a mess.

I don't see them together at all.

- Ethan?
- Yes?

Hi, it's me, Jesse.

George Hamilton's
personal assistant.

- Right, right. How are you?
- Good. Good to see you.

- This is Jerry.
- Hello.

Yeah.

Ethan, what brings you to town?

Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat.

You're kidding. Listen, maybe
you and I should get together.

Have you been on the slide
at Club USA? It's intense.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Are you asking him out?

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Right in front of me?

How do you know
we're not together?

Two guys sitting, laughing,
drinking champagne coolies.

I don't know.
I just didn't think you were.

Well, we're sitting here together.

Why wouldn't you think that?

I don't know. I just didn't.

Well, it's very emasculating.

- Hello?
- This is Bob from The Andover Shop.

I'm trying to reach Craig Stewart.
He left this number.

Oh, is it important?

- Well....
- Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you know when the Nicole Millers
are coming in from Milan?

Nicole Millers?

We aren't expecting any Nicole Millers.
In fact, we have too many as it is.

Well, do you have any
in a size four?

Yes, several.

Just tell him he doesn't have
to be in tomorrow until 11.

Oh, yeah, I'll make sure
he gets the message.

They make wigs out of human hair?

And pay plenty for them.

Oh, sweet Maria.

Hey, let's go.

What are you doing in my car?

Hey, hey, where are you going?

- Hey, you just cost me some money.
- Hey, cool it, lady.

Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.

Police officers, freeze right there.

Okay, big daddy, take the hat off.

All right, turn to your right.

I said turn, pimp!

I'm not a pimp.