Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Wallet - full transcript

Jerry is asked to explain to his parents why he does not wear the watch they gave him. Morty Seinfeld thinks his wallet has been stolen from him at his doctor's appointment.

My parents had two arguments
while they were driving...

over either how fast
my father was going...

or how much gas
was left in the tank.

My father had a standard defense
for either one of these.

It was always, "That's because
you're looking at it from an angle.

If you were over here...
It looks from where you're sitting...

it looks like
I'm doing 90 on empty.

But that's because
you're over there.

If you were over here, you'd know
I'm in the driveway with a full tank."

George and I went up to NBC, and
we told them the idea for the series.

- We're waiting to sign the contract.
- They liked the idea?

- Yeah.
- What, you got leather seats here?

- Since when is George a writer?
- What writer? It's a sitcom.

This is exciting. When are
you gonna sign the contract?

Soon. There's a few problems.

I wanna tell you,
that meal was the worst.

What do you expect?
It's airline food.

They give you that fish.

How could you
eat fish on a plane?

Because she puts up a stink
every time I have a piece of meat.

What kind of problems?

Well, George doesn't think
$13,000 is enough money.

What? He's not even working.

George is right. Those people
will try to get away with murder.

Believe me, they're all crooks.

- Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.
- We're gonna sign it.

In fact, George is out with
the woman from NBC right now.

So I'm afraid we're gonna
have to pass.

- You're passing?
- Well, it's much too low.

Are you and Jerry
in agreement on this?

Yeah, we've talked. I believe I can
speak for the both of us on this.

You know, because this is your
first show, it's a pretty standard deal.

- Standard?
- Yeah.

Is Ted Danson's deal standard?

- Ted Danson?
- You know, the guy from Cheers.

Yeah, I know who he is.

You're not Ted Danson.

I didn't say I was Ted Danson.

- All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.
- You tell Russell.

Oh, before I forget.

Cuban cigars.
It's a present from my father.

Do I have to write him
a note or something?

- I'm sure he'd appreciate that.
- What would I say in the note?

You're a writer.
You'll think of something.

Oh, yeah. I'm a writer. I forgot.

Were you waiting
long at the gate?

I don't even know.

Where's that watch
we bought you?


That's it for this piece of junk.
I've had it.

- Is it the one your parents gave you?
- It never works.

It's being fixed.

I got a guarantee on that watch.
Give it to me. I'll take it back.

- It's at the jeweler.
- You send me the bill.

I'm not sending it.

That watch was a gift.
You shouldn't have to pay for it.

- That's $18.50.
- Here, I got it.

What are you talking about?
It's my car. Let me pay.

- No, no, put it away.
- Dad.

- Stop it.
- I have money. I make money.

- Yeah, yeah, you make money.
- You don't think I make money.

- I don't think that.
- You do. That's what you both think.

- I'm paying.
- Dad, I'm paying.

- Get out.
- You're not paying.

- Jerry, do not do this.
- No, no.

Over my dead body, Jerry.
I'm telling you right now...

you're not gonna do it.

Boy, you got a lot of stuff here.

- Dad, what are you doing?
- Nothing, nothing.

Leave it. What about your back?

- Morty, what are you doing?
- All right, all right.

You come here
to see a back specialist...

and you're lifting heavy suitcases.

Hey, Morty.

Hey, Mr. Kramer.

- Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld.
- Kramer, hi.

What happened to you?

Oh, some guy kicked me
in the side of the head.

- What guy?
- Crazy Joe Davola.

- Why?
- Well, I was having this party...

and I didn't invite him,
and then Jerry tipped him off.

Why did you tell this guy that
Kramer didn't invite him to his party?

I didn't know he wasn't invited.

Hey, these are very
comfortable pants.

You know what I paid for these,

- So why did you say anything?
- It was a mistake.

They're good around the house,
and they're good for outside.

- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was little off last week, huh, Jerry?

But the doctor says
it's just a slight concussion.

What's the matter
with this Davola guy?

He's got, like, a chemical imbalance.

- He needs to be on medication.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's after Jerry now.

- Kramer.
- He's what?

- He's joking.
- He's after you?

- No.
- Why's he after you?

He's not after me.

Morty, do you hear this?
Some crazy guy is after Jerry.

- I'll make a few phone calls.
- Who you gonna call?

What are you worried about?

I wanna know what
you did to this guy.

- I didn't do anything.
- You must've done something.

No, he just doesn't like me.

Doesn't like you?
How could anyone not like you?

- I know, it seems impossible.
- Doesn't...

Doesn't like you?
How could that be?

Ma, this may be hard
for you to understand...

but I'm sure there are many people
who do not like me.

Jerry, don't say that.

- It's true.
- No, it isn't.

It's not true. You're a wonderful,
wonderful boy.

Everybody likes you.
It's impossible not to like you.


Maybe some people don't like him.
I can see that.

- Kramer?
- Yeah, I like him.

Hey, Jerry, what time you got?

I haven't got my watch on.
It's being fixed.

When are you getting it back?

- Next week.
- Next week?

How come it's taking so long?

I said, how come it's taking so long?

I don't know. They're backed up.

Wait a minute.
Where did you take it?

- Where did I take it?
- Yeah.

Where did I take it?

To that place on Columbus...

and 85th, okay?

What, Jimmy Sherman?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I know the guy.

I take my stuff in there.

I can get your watch back
by tomorrow morning.

No, I don't want you
to say anything to him.

I'd be happy to.
He's a friend of mine.

I'd like to follow
the regular procedures.

I don't want any special treatment.

Hey, I'm gonna get that watch back
for you by tomorrow, buddy.

- Bring me the receipt.
- I'll get that too.

Be right back.

Look, there's no watch. I threw it
in the garbage can on the street.

My parents gave it to me,
but I didn't like it.

So don't mention it again, okay?

- Yeah, all right.
- All right.

Wait, wait...

Well, no...

What was that about?

Oh, no...

he's got my calamine lotion.

I told him not to return it.
If he needs it, he should keep it.

He's got a thing on his ankle.

How could anyone not like him?

Hi. Morty Seinfeld.
I have a 2:00 appointment.

Yes, Mr. Seinfeld.
Would you please fill this out?

All this? This whole thing?

It's gonna take me 45 minutes.

I know, it's very long.

Look at this. It's a book.

"Employer's address."
Why do they need this?

I never had a back problem...

until that night I slept
on the convertible sofa.

- My back was fine.
- Oh, it's not the sofa.

You stick up for that sofa
like I'm criticizing a person.

We got it from Sullivan's.
It's a good store.

Well, one day somebody's gonna
sleep on that thing, and we'll get sued.

I hope this doctor
knows what he's doing.

Leo says he's the best there is.


I'm listening to Leo now.

You're lucky he got you this.
You know what the waiting list is?

Well, if he fixes my back,
I'll be happy.

Have you ever had a sexually
transmitted disease?

That's it.

Here, you got my name, you
got my address. That's enough.

Julie, you wanna take him back?

You what? You passed?

How could you do that?

Jerry, my young friend...

you're so naive.
You are so, so naive.

You know about a few things.

You know about comedy...

a little bit about relationships,
some baseball...

but you're so far out of your element
here, you're embarrassing yourself.

Now, listen to me. I'm negotiating.

This is what you do in business.

Let me explain to you
what you just did.

There are literally hundreds of people
trying to get pilot deals with them.

They go with maybe five, okay?
If we pass, that's it.

They go to the next show.

I'm scared.

Oh, they're not gonna do the show.

We're lucky they're even interested
in the idea in the first place.

We got a show about nothing.

With no story.

Do you think they're going, "Maybe
we should give those two guys...

who have no experience
and no idea, more money"?

Oh, what are we gonna do?
I'm shaking. I'm shaking.

- I think you're wrong.
- We'll just see.

- Yes, we will.
- Yes, we will.

- I just said that.
- I know.

- Good for you.
- Good for you.

- Are you repeating everything?
- Are you repeating everything?

- Well, George is an idiot.
- Well, George...

All right.

All right. Let's go already!

They keep you in here a year.
They don't give a damn.

I could die in here.

Excuse me. Excuse me!
What's going on?

I'm in here 20 minutes.
Can somebody please help me?

- Quiet. Everyone can hear you.
- I've been waiting 20 minutes.

Well, the doctor must be busy.

Well, why do they make appointments
for if they can't keep them?

Look, if I did that in my business,
I wouldn't have made a nickel.

Hello, Mr. Seinfeld.

- I thought you forgot about me.
- We didn't forget.

- What's wrong?
- The Velcro.

I can't stand Velcro.
That tearing sound.

I used to be in raincoats. I refused
to put that in any of my lines.

Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come
this way. We need some x-rays.

- Leave all my stuff here?
- Leave it.

Oh, hey, by the way...

do you want a box
of Cuban cigars?

I smoked one last night.
I got nauseous.

No, I don't want them.

I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?

- Here you go.
- What, cigars?

- Yeah, Cubans.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, the kind that Castro smoked.
You can't buy them anywhere.

Castro, huh?

- Yeah?
- Federal Express.

Federal Express? Come on up.

Federal Express?
I'm not expecting a package.

You know what you just did?
You let a burglar in the building.

- You think so?
- Federal Express? Of course.

That's the oldest trick in the book.

It might not be a burglar.
It could be a murderer.

So you wanna just abolish
all home-package delivery?

Yes, it's dangerous.


- Who is it?
- Federal Express.


Hi, Kramer.

Oh, God.
I thought you were in California.

- Well, I came back for you.
- Oh, shut up.

- I missed you.
- Really?

- You really missed me?
- Yeah.

Me too, miss. I miss.

Yeah, big missing
going on around here.

Hey, I'm gonna get a match.

Oh, God. Whose suitcase is this?

My parents'. My father came up
to see a back specialist.

Oh, God. It's probably
from sleeping on that sofa.

- Boy, you look really great.
- Yeah.

- You lie.
- No, no, you really look great.

So tell us about the trip.
How's Dr. Reston?

Oh, he's fine.

- Things are good?
- Yeah, you know.

- What?
- Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw it.

- What?
- It's a tell. You got a tell.

What tell? What's a tell?

When you ask about their relationship
and they touch their face...

you know it's not going too well.

Go ahead. Ask me
how it's going with somebody.

- How's it going with Alice?
- Good, going good.

The higher up on the face you go,
the worse the relationship is getting.

You know, it's like: Pretty good.
Not bad. I gotta get out.

- How high did I go?
- You almost did the nose.

Are you eating my peanut butter out of
the jar with your disgusting fingers?

This is a sickening display.

What, I'm not eating bread now.
I'm off bread.

You're off bread.

- So, what happened? Is it over?
- No, not quite.

- Why not?
- He was my psychiatrist, you know.

I mean, he knows all my patterns.

He knows in relationships
I always find some reason to leave.

So he says, as my doctor,
he can't allow me do this...

so he's not letting me leave.

- What do you mean, not letting you?
- He has this power over me, okay?

He has this way of manipulating
every little word that I say.

He's like a Svenjolly.


- What did I say?
- Svenjolly.

Svenjolly? I did not say, Svenjolly.

- George?
- Svenjolly.

I don't see how
I could've said, Svenjolly.

Maybe he's got, like,
a cheerful mental hold on you.

- I can't find a match anywhere.
- You know what you should do?

Tell this guy you're seeing somebody
else. That's the easiest way.

No, it's not gonna work
with this guy.

You just tell him an old boyfriend's
come back into your life.

I don't think so.

- Nice try.
- Took a shot.

This is a good cigar.

So when do I get to see the doctor?

He'll be in with the x-rays
in a few minutes.

You can get dressed.

He stole my wallet.
The bum stole my wallet.

My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!

I had my wallet in my back pocket.
It's gone.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.

I went in to get my x-rays. Somebody
takes my wallet. Is that the operation?

Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Dembrow.
I've been going over your x-rays.

I'm not interested in the x-rays.
I want my money back.

Somebody stole my wallet.
I had $225 in there.

- I don't see how that happened.
- Oh, you don't see.

You don't see.
Well, it happened. Believe me.

- What's going on?
- They stole my wallet.

- What?
- Yeah, while I was in getting x-rayed.

All right, Mr. Seinfeld,
I am sorry about your wallet.

Would you like me
to look over the x-rays?

- What kind of joint you running here?
- All right.


At least you could've
heard your diagnosis.

I'm not interested in his diagnosis.
He's a bum.

You came all the way from Florida
to see him.

I wanna know what kind of office this
is where you can't leave your pants.

You tell me.

I'm sorry,
but there's somebody else.

Well, it's nothing I planned
on happening, you know.

It just kind of happened.

- Tell me about him.
- Well, there's not really much to tell.

You know, he's just a guy, really.

- Yes, well, I assume he's a guy.
- Right.

And you've known him how long?

Years. Many years.

We've been close friends, and then
recently, something just, you know...


- You mean sexually?
- Yeah, yeah.


I think your...

Excuse me. Yes?

Oh, yes, Bobo.

No, it's just east of Madison.

Around 4 will be fine.
All right, Bobo, see you then.

I'm sorry. Where were we?

Well, I was just telling you
about this other guy.

Elaine, do you remember
your dream...

where you had a sexual
encounter with a Chinese woman?

Yeah, yeah.

Elaine, I'm concerned about you.

Oh, no. Don't concern yourself
with me, because I'm good.

I'm very good. I mean,
I'm really very, very good.


have you been urinating
a lot again?


And how often
have you been seeing...

I'm sorry. What is his name?

- His name?
- Yes, his name.

- Well, what's the difference?
- Are you afraid to tell me his name?

No, I just don't really see
how that's relevant.

It doesn't matter if you
don't see how. I see how.

His name.

I don't even know.
You wanna know his name?

I'll tell you his name. His name is...



Is that his first name
or his last name?

You know, I'm really uncomfortable
talking about this.

- Elaine, I want you to do me a favor.
- What?

I want you to tell this young man
to give me a call.

- It's very important that I speak to him.
- Oh, no, no, I can't do that.

- You can do it, and you will do it.
- No, I can't.

You can, and you will.

Okay. Okay, yeah, I'll have Kramer
give you a call.

So you didn't even let
the doctor treat you?

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

Why did you leave
your wallet in your pants?

What are you talking about?
What, was I supposed to hide it?

- You could've taken it with you.
- Yeah.

I'll be lying on an x-ray table
with my wallet in my mouth.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hi, Uncle Leo.

I just spoke to Dr. Dembrow's son.

He said they almost
had to call the police.

What? I'm the one who should've
called the police. They stole my wallet.

You know how hard it was for me
to get that appointment for you?

You can't just walk in on this guy.
He did me a personal favor.

- All right, Leo.
- And you walked out without paying.

How was I supposed to pay?
I didn't have my wallet.

Well, I hope you send him a check.

- What for?
- What for?

This man was nice enough
to see you.

He did me a personal favor.

That's the second time you said
personal favor. Why do you say that?

- I said it once.
- Twice.

And Dembrow
doesn't even know you.

His son happens
to live on your floor.

Leo, where did you get that watch?

You know where I got this?

I found it in the garbage can.

It kept terrible time.

I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman
right here on 85th and Columbus.

Gave it to me back the next day,
works great.

What kind of an idiot throws away
a perfectly good watch?

Doesn't that watch look like
the one that we gave Jerry?

Hey, where's the waiter?
Dad, let's have some red meat.

- Let's live a little.
- Let me see that.

Could we continue this
another time?

Don't you hate
"to be continueds" on TV?

It's horrible when you sense the
"to be continued" coming, you know.

You're watching the show.
You're into the story.

There's five minutes left,
and you realize:

"Hey, they can't make it.
Timmy's still stuck in the cave.

There's no way they wrap this up
in five minutes."

I mean, the whole reason you watch
a TV show is because it ends.

If I wanted a long boring story
with no point to it, I have my life.

A comedian can't do that, see? I can't
go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig.

Can you come back next week?"