Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Pitch - full transcript

NBC executives ask Jerry to come up with an idea for a TV series. George decides he can be a sitcom writer and comes up with "nothing." Kramer trades a radar detector for a helmet, and later Newman receives a speeding ticket.

Parents like to drag kids
to historical sights.

I remember going to
Colonial Williamsburg...

and you see the supposedly
authentic blacksmith there.

He's got the three-cornered hat,

and the Def Leppard shirt.

My parents took me to the
Amish country, which to a kid...

to see a bunch of people that have
no cars, no TV, no phone...

they go, "So what? Neither do I."

So it's the whole community
that's been grounded.

That's the way they should
punish the kids.

"All right, get up to your room.
I've had it.

You are Amish, young man.

For the rest of this weekend.
Did you hear me? Amish.

Don't come down till you make
some noodles and raise a barn."

They have a guide. He takes you...

shows you the battlefield,
gives you a bit of the history.

How far is Gettysburg?
I'd like to go.

- About three hours.
- Tommy, you're on.

- Gotta go.
- Have a good set.

What did they do for toilet paper
in the Civil War?

Wonder what toilet paper
was like in the 1860s.

Did they..? Did they carry it
in rolls in their duffel bags?

Everything with you comes down
to toilet paper.

- What?
- That's always...

the first question with you.
Why is that always your focus?

- Then what did they do?
- I don't know.

Maybe they gave out big loose
clumps to all the soldiers.

It would be nice if there was some
sort of historical record of it.

They should have a toilet-paper
museum. Would you like that?

So we could see all the toilet-paper
advancements down through the ages.

Toilet paper during the Crusades.

The development of the perforation.
The first six-pack.

Excuse me, Jerry.

I'm Stu Schirmack. I'm from NBC.

- Could we speak for a few moments?
- Sure.

- Hi. Jay Crespi.
- Hello.

- C-R-E-S-P-I.
- That's right.

I'm unbelievable
at spelling last names.

- Give give me a last name.
- I'm not...


All right. All right.

First of all...

that was a terrific show.

- Thank you very much.
- And...

And I just wanted to let you know
that we've been discussing you...

at some of our meetings, and we'd be
very interested in doing something.

- Really?
- So if you had an idea for, like...

a TV show for yourself,
well, we'd just love to talk about it.

I'd be very interested in that.

Well, here.

Why don't you give us a call,
and maybe we can develop a series.

Okay. Great. Thanks.

- It was very nice meeting you.
- Thank you.

- Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.

- What was that all about?
- They said they were interested in me.

- For what?
- You know, TV show.

- Your own show?
- Yeah, I guess so.

They want you to do a TV show?

They want me to come up with an
idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.

Come on. How hard is that?
Look at all the junk that's on TV.

You want an idea? Here's an idea.

You coach a gymnastics team
in high school, and you're married.

Your son is not interested in
gymnastics, and you're pushing him.

Why should I care if
my son's into gymnastics?

- You're the teacher. It's only natural.
- But gymnastics is not for everybody.

- I know, but he's your son.
- So what?

All right, forget that idea.

It's not for you.

Okay, okay. I got it.

You run an antique store.

- Yeah. And?
- And people come into the store...

and you get involved in their lives.

What person who runs an antique
store gets involved in people's lives?

- Why not?
- So someone comes in...

to buy an old lamp, and suddenly
I'm getting them out of a jam.

I could see if I was a pharmacist.

Because a pharmacist knows
what's wrong with everybody.

Antiques are very popular right now.

- No, they're not. They used to be.
- Oh, sure.

- Like you know.
- Oh, like you do.

And you're the manager
of the circus.

- The circus?
- Oh, come on. This is a great idea.

Look at the characters. You got
all these freaks in the show.

A woman with a mustache.

Who wouldn't tune in to see
a woman with a mustache?

You got the tallest man in the world.
A guy who's just a head.

- I don't think so.
- Look...

the show isn't about the circus.
It's about watching freaks.

I don't think the network
would go for it.

- Why not?
- I'm not pitching a show about freaks.

Oh, come on, Jerry. You're wrong.
People, they wanna watch freaks.

This is a "can't miss."

- Kramer.
- Hello, Newman.

I got the helmet.
Go get the radar detector.

Okay. I'll be back in a second.
You guys coming to my party?

- Yeah. Sure.
- Of course.

- What's this about?
- We're making a trade.

I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet.
He's giving me his radar detector.

- I didn't know you have a motorcycle.
- Well, my girlfriend had one.

You have a girlfriend?

I had a girlfriend.

And she was pretty wild.

- I don't remember you with a girl.
- Nevertheless.

This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer.

A radar detector's worth much more
than that helmet. You're cheating him.

- Don't say anything.
- All right.

Hey, you know you're
getting gypped over here.


Hey. We had a deal.

Are you reneging out of the deal?
Are you reneging?

- That's a renege.
- Stop saying "reneging."

- Well, you're reneging.
- Okay, okay. I'm not reneging.

All right. Give it to me.

- All right, let go.
- Come on.

- Let go on three.
- Give me that. Just give me that!

- Three.
- Here.


Thanks, buddy. So long.

- Does that thing work?
- No.

I got a postcard from Elaine.

- Really?
- Yeah. They're in London now.

They'll be back in a few weeks.

I can't believe she got
involved with her shrink.

What about the TV show?
Got anything?

No. Nothing.

Why don't they have salsa
on the table?

What do you need salsa for?

Salsa is now the number-one
condiment in America.

Do you know why?

Because people like to say "salsa."

Do you have any salsa?

We need more salsa.
Where is the salsa? No salsa?

You know, it must be impossible
for a Spanish person...

to order seltzer and not get salsa.

I wanted seltzer, not salsa.

Don't you know the difference
between them?

You have the seltzer after the salsa.

This should be the show.
This is the show.

- What?
- This.

Just talking.

Yeah. Right.

No, I'm really serious.
I think that's a good idea.

Just talking?
Well, what's the show about?

It's about nothing.

- No story?
- No, forget the story.

- You gotta have a story.
- Who says you gotta have a story?

Remember when we were waiting for
that table in that Chinese restaurant?

That could be a TV show.

And who's on the show?
Who are the characters?

I could be a character.

- You?
- Yeah. You base a character on me.

So on the show there's a character
named George Costanza?

Yeah. What? There's something
wrong with that? I'm a character.

People are always saying to me,
"You know, you're quite a character."

And who else is on the show?

Elaine could be a character. Kramer.

Now, he's a character.

So everybody I know
is a character on the show.


- And it's about nothing.
- Absolutely nothing.

So you're saying I go into NBC
and tell them...

I got this idea
for a show about nothing.

We go into NBC.

We? Since when are you a writer?

What writer?
We're talking about a sitcom.

You wanna go with me to NBC?

Yeah, we really got something here.

- What do we got?
- An idea.

- What idea?
- An idea for the show.

- I still don't know what the idea is.
- It's about nothing.

- Right.
- Everybody's doing something.

We'll do nothing.

We go into NBC, tell them we got
an idea for a show about nothing.

- Exactly.
- "What's your show about?"

- I say, "Nothing."
- There you go.

I think you may have something here.

So the show would be
about my real life...

and one of the characters
would be based on you.

No, I don't think so.

What do you mean,
you don't you think so?

- I don't like it.
- I don't understand.

- What don't you like?
- I don't like the idea...

of a character based on me.
- Why not?

I don't know. It just doesn't sit well.

You're my neighbor.
There's gotta be a character.

- That's your problem, buddy.
- I don't understand what the deal is.

Okay. You can do it on one condition.

- Whatever you want.
- I get to play Kramer.

- You can't play Kramer.
- I am Kramer.

But you can't act.

- Okay, fine, we'll use Newman.
- Newman?

- Use me for what?
- Nothing. What do you want?

Well, you'll never guess
what happened to me today.

I was driving home on
the Palisades Parkway...

when I look in the rearview mirror,
and what did I see?

The fuzz. And it's funny...

because my new radar detector
was on, but I didn't hear a thing.

- Isn't that strange?
- Yeah, that's strange.

Because the radar detector,
as I understand it, detects radar!

With a series of beeps
and flashing lights.

But for some reason,
I didn't hear a thing...

except for the sound
of a police siren.

Well, that's queer, huh?

I want my helmet back!

You give me back my helmet,
and pay for that ticket!

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You better think again, MoJumbo.

You gave me a defective detector.

- Jerry?
- Buyer beware.

Are you gonna give me
back my helmet?

No, we had a deal.
There's no guarantees in life.

No, but there's karma, Kramer.

Karma Kramer?

And one more thing:

I'm not coming to your party!

Salsa, seltzer.

Do you have any salsa?

No, not seltzer, salsa.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

You sure?

- You look a little pale.
- No, I'm fine. I'm good.

Fine. Very good.

- What, are you nervous?
- No, I'm not nervous. I'm very good.

- I can't do this. I can't do this.
- What?

I can't. I've tried. I'm here.
It's impossible.

- This was your idea.
- What idea?

I just said something. I didn't
know you were gonna listen to me!

Don't worry about it.

They're just TV executives.

They're men with jobs, Jerry!

They wear suits and ties.

They're married.
They have secretaries!

- I told you not to come.
- I need some water.

I gotta get some water.

- They'll give us water in there.
- Really?

That's pretty good.

- Oh, God, it's Joe Davola.
- Who?

This guy's a writer. He's a total nut.

I think he goes to
the same shrink as Elaine.

Oh, God, he saw me.

- Hello, Jerry.
- Hey, Joe!

How you doing?

You're under no obligation
to shake my hand.

Oh, no. Just a custom.

That's my friend, George.

You look good.

Why shouldn't I look good?

No. No reason.
You do the karate, right?

Yeah, you wanna hit me?

- What are you doing here?
- I dropped a script off.

Good for you.


- You don't have to say anything.
- No...

- Hey, I guess I'll see you Sunday night.
- Why?

Kramer's party.

- Kramer's having a party?
- No. No, he's not having a party.

He's doing something. I don't know.
It's nothing. He's not doing anything.

I thought Kramer and I
were very close friends.

No, I'm sure you are.
I'm sure you're very close friends.

Very close.

Give my best to Hinckley.

- What was that?
- I can't believe what I did.

I didn't know Kramer didn't invite him.
I gotta call Kramer.

They're ready for you.

Okay. Okay. Look.

- You... You do all the talking. Okay?
- Oh, relax!

- Who are they?
- Yeah.

- They're not better than me.
- Of course not.

- Who are they?
- They're nobody.

- What about me?
- What about you?

- Why them? Why not me?
- Why not you?

- I'm just as good as them.
- Better.

- You really think so?
- No.

The bit... The bit I really liked was
where the parakeet flew into the mirror.

That was funny.

The parakeet in the mirror.
That is a good one, Stu.

Yeah. One of my favorites.

What about you, George? Have you
written anything we might know?

Well, possibly. I...

I wrote an off-Broadway show.

La Cocina.

Actually, it was off-off Broadway.

It was a comedy
about a Mexican chef.

It was... It was very funny.

There was one great scene
with the chef.

What was his name?

- Pepe.
- Oh, Pepe. Yes, Pepe.

And he was making tamales.

Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?

No, no, he mimed it.
That's what was so funny about it.

So, what have you two
come up with?

We thought about this
in a variety of ways...

but the basic idea is I play myself...
- May I?

Go ahead.

I think I can sum up the show
for you with one word:


- Nothing?
- Nothing.

What does that mean?

The show is about nothing.

- It's not about nothing.
- No, it's about nothing.

Well, maybe in philosophy.

But even nothing is something.

Mr. Dalrymple, your niece
is on the phone.

- I'll call back.
- D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L.

Not even close.

- Is that with a Y?
- No.

- What's the premise?
- As I was saying, I would play myself...

as a comedian
living in New York...

and I have a friend and a neighbor
and an ex-girlfriend.

- Which is all true.
- But nothing happens on the show.

You see, it's just like life.

You know, you eat, you go
shopping, you read, you eat...

you read, you go shopping.
- You read?

You read on the show?

Well, I don't know about the reading.
We didn't discuss the reading.

All right, tell me about the stories.

- What kind of stories?
- Oh, no. No stories.

No stories?

- So, what is it?
- What did you do today?

- I got up and came to work.
- There's a show. That's a show.

How is that a show?

Well, maybe something happens
to you on the way to work.

No. No! No! Nothing happens!

Well, something happens.

- Well, why am I watching it?
- Because it's on TV.

Not yet.

Okay, look.

If you wanna just keep doing
the same old thing...

then maybe this idea is not for you.

I, for one, am not going to
compromise my artistic integrity.

And I'll tell you something else:

This is the show,
and we're not gonna change it.


How about this?

I manage a circus.

I don't even wanna talk
about it anymore.

What were you thinking?

What was going on in your mind?

Artistic integrity.

Well, where did you
come up with that?

You're not artistic,
and you have no integrity.

You really need some help. A regular
psychiatrist couldn't even help you.

You need to go to, like,
Vienna or something.

You know what I mean? You need
to get involved at the university level.

Like where Freud studied,
and have people looking...

and checking up on you.
That's the kind you need.

Not the once-a-week for 80 bucks.
No. You need a team.

A team of psychiatrists,
working round the clock...

thinking about you,
having conferences.

Observing you, like the way
they did with the Elephant Man.

That's what I'm talking about. That's
the only way you're gonna get better.

I thought the woman
was kind of cute.

Hold it. I really wanna
be clear about this.

Are you talking about
the woman in the meeting?

Is that the woman
you're talking about?

Yeah. I thought I might
give her a call.

I don't meet that many women.
I meet, like, three women a year.

I mean, we've been introduced.
She knows my name.

- It's completely inappropriate.
- Why?

Maybe she liked me. I mean, she...
She was looking right at me.

I think she was impressed.

We had good eye contact
through the whole meeting.

- Oh, I forgot to call Kramer.
- Wait a minute, let me call Susan.

- No, this is more important.
- She might leave work any minute.

No, I gotta warn him that I told
Joe Davola about his party.


What is it?

I was just thinking about
this patient of mine.


Just wondering if he's taking
his medication.

Come on. We're on vacation.

Well, we were standing
in the waiting area there...

and you know how Davola is.
He's all...

- Yeah?
- It's George.

And so I felt very
uncomfortable with him...

and, you know, I just blurted out
something about your party.

- Back up a second.
- I didn't know that you didn't invite him.

Why would I invite him?

- Well, I just assumed that...
- Assumed?

Never assume anything.
I don't want that nut in my house.

You know he's on medication.

- Well, hello. Oh, hello.
- Hello.

You remember Susan from NBC.

- Of course. How are you?
- Fine. Good to see you.

- This is Kramer.
- Hello.

All right, go ahead, Susan. Tell him.

- Tell me what?
- Well, I...

I'm sorry. Excuse me one second.

- Hello?
- Hi...

would you be interested
in switching to TMI long distance?

Oh, I... I can't talk right now.

Why don't you give me your home
number, and I'll call you later?

I'm sorry. We're not allowed
to do that.

I guess you don't want
people calling you at home.

- No.
- Well, now you know how I feel.

- So go ahead. Tell him.
- Well...

Kramer, are you drinking that milk?

- Yeah.
- What's the expiration date on that?

September third.

- The third?
- The third?

Never should have
brought her up there.

Should have known better.

I should have seen it coming.
I didn't see it coming.

I think she saw it coming.

You know, she was behind the idea.
She was gonna champion the show.

I was bringing her up to tell you,
and she liked me.

Look, just because Kramer vomited
on her doesn't mean the deal is dead.

What are you, crazy?

It's a traumatic thing
to be thrown up on.

Vomiting is not a deal-breaker.

If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain...

he still would have
given him Czechoslovakia.


You could hold his head in the toilet,
he'd still give you half of Europe.

What happened to you?

Davola came after me.

What? Davola?

See, this guy is crazy.
I can't believe this. What happened?

Can I get coffee? You know,
I was walking home...

I had to pick up my helmet from
the shop. I had to get a new strap.

So I had it on, and I was checking
the strap out to make sure it fit.

And suddenly, I feel this kick
hit me on the side of the head.

It knocks me down. I look up,
and it's Crazy Joe Davola.

And he says, "That's what I think
of your party."

Boy, that is some kick.

Newman's helmet, it saved my life.
Look at that.

Wow, Newman's helmet.

I got bad news for you, buddy.

Davola says you're next.

Me? Why?

He doesn't like you.

What does he want from me?
I didn't do anything.

See, this is all Elaine's fault. She took
off to Europe with his psychiatrist.

He can't get his medication.
Now I got some nut after me.

Pass the cream.

Wait a second.

All right.

When you vomit on somebody...

it is a social faux pas...

from which there
is really no recovery.

At that point, there's really very
little you can say to the person.

There's no Hallmark cards
that cover this occasion.

There's no vomit sympathy-card
section of the store, you know.

"You wear it well."
You know, there's no words...

that really capture, you know...

"Next time, lunch is on me."

There's no, really,
way to phrase the sentiment.

Where the hell did I put it?

- Where did I put it?
- What are you looking for?

The remote. The remote.
I can't find the remote.

Did I..? I lost it.
Did you take it?

- Did you put it someplace?
- No, no, no.

All right, what is this?

- What is what?
- All right, very funny. I get it.

- You're in a weird mood.
- Come on.

Go to your apartment and fix it.

- Fix what?
- Your pants!

What is this? Why do I got
one pant leg on for?

Don't you know?
Look at your face.

You only shaved the right side
of your face.

- What is this, a joke?
- No joke. What? A joke?

You think this is funny?

Well, look at your face in the mirror.

- Yeah?
- It's George.

Come on up.

- I don't believe this.
- You didn't know you were doing this?

No, I swear.

I'll bet this is from that kick
from that Crazy Joe Davola.

You better see a doctor
and get some x-rays.

Just the man I'm looking for.

- Me?
- Yeah. Here you go.

- What's this?
- A dry-cleaning bill.

- From that woman at NBC?
- Yeah.

Dry cleaning bill for what?

For vomiting on her vest.

Oh, come on, George.
I didn't do that on purpose.

- I shouldn't have to pay.
- Neither should I.

Jerry left the milk in the refrigerator.

- Yeah, it's your milk.
- He drank it.

- I didn't know.
- All right.

Well, we should all chip in, I guess.

- Yeah.
- How much was it to clean the vest?

Eighteen dollars.

Can you get vomit out of suede?

- I don't know.
- Yo-Yo Ma!

What? Yo-Yo Ma?

What about him?

- You just said, "Yo-Yo Ma."
- What's Yo-Yo Ma?

He's a cellist.

You should see a doctor today.

All right. Let's go. Six dollars.

I can't believe
she sent a cleaning bill.

I know.

And it doesn't really bode well
for the show, does it?

Forget about the show. We should
take the idea to a different network.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Like anybody's ever gonna do this.

How did you get me to go with that?

A show about nothing.

It was a good idea.
Susan liked it.

And if he hadn't vomited all over her,
we'd be writing it right now.

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?
What are you doing? Give me that.

Go to your apartment and lie down.
I'll make an appointment for a doctor.

Hello? Oh, hi, I'm sorry.

No, that's my neighbor.
He's not quite himself.

He got kicked in the head.

What? Really? You're kidding.

Today? Yeah, sure.
We could make it. Two o'clock?

Yeah, we could do that.

Okay. Great. Thanks a million.

Okay. Bye.

- What?
- NBC.

They wanna have another meeting.

They wanna have another meeting?

They wanna buy it!
They wanna buy it! What did I tell you?

We'll be rich!
What are we gonna get?

- Fifty, 60 thousand.
- I don't know about 60.

Oh, it's gotta be 50.

You know how much
Ted Danson makes?

Ted Danson. Now, how are you
comparing us to Ted Danson?

- I didn't say we're Ted Danson.
- You did. You said we're Ted Danson.

- You know, I think he wears a piece.
- Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.

- What time do you have?
- Five till.

See, I'm 10 minutes slow again.

That's it for this piece of junk.
I've had it.

- The one your parents gave you?
- It never works.

We're supposed to be there.
We should take a cab.

We'll be a little late.
I'm not taking a cab.

- I'll pay for it.
- It's not the money.

What is it you object to? The comfort?
The speed? The convenience?


- Uncle Leo!
- Hello!

Hello there. How you doing?

- How are you? How's Mom and Dad?
- Good. Fine.

What, are you getting to be too much
of a big shot now to give me a call?

I don't hear from you anymore.

Oh, no, I've been kind
of busy, that's all.

You know where I just came from?

- Danny Barber.
- Oh, sure. Danny.

He used to be in
the pajama business.

Remember, I got my pajamas
for free.

I used to come over
and give you pajamas.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.

Funny thing is, I can't wear them.
I get too hot.

I sleep in my underwear and a T-shirt.

If it gets too hot, I just
take the T-shirt off.

Anyway, Danny says to me:

- "You need any pajamas?"
- I'm sorry, Uncle Leo.

I really gotta get going.

Well, you gotta get going, so go.

We got a big meeting
with the president of NBC.

- Nobody got a gun to your head.
- Yeah. I'm really sorry.

Go. Really, I understand.

You got an appointment.
Go to your appointment.

- I'm sorry. Really.
- You know...

I know plenty of people
in Hollywood too.

Sorry. Really.

- Yeah?
- Come on, are you ready? Let's go.

- For what?
- What's with you?

I just talked to you 15 minutes ago.

- About what?
- The courthouse.

You gotta go with me to court.
I'm contesting the ticket.

- I can't. I'm going to the doctor's later.
- You gotta go.

You're my alibi.
You have to take the stand.

- Well, I can't.
- Well, let me remind you of something.

You wouldn't even be here today
if it wasn't for me and my helmet.

I saved your life. You would be dead!

You would cease to exist.
You'd be gone for the rest of eternity.

Can you even begin to comprehend
what that means?

Shut up!

I'll get my coat.

Don't step on anything.

There are many things that
I think you can point to...

as proof that the humans
are not smart.

But my personal favorite would have
to be that we had to invent the helmet.

What happened was
we were involved...

in a lot of activities
that were cracking our heads.

We chose not to avoid doing
these activities, but instead...

to come up with
some sort of device...

to help us continue enjoying
our head-cracking lifestyles:

The helmet.

Not enough people
were wearing them...

so we had to come up
with the helmet law...

which is even stupider.
The idea behind the helmet law...

is to preserve a brain whose
judgment is so poor...

it does not even try to stop
the cracking of the head it's in.

Did you see the look on his face?
Did you see how insulted he was?

What could I do?
What are we supposed to do?

You can't leave.

There's no excuse good
enough to justify walking away...

from a conversation
with one of my relatives.

I didn't shave this morning.
I don't feel like myself.

You could be a fireman on
a fire truck on the way to a fire.

You bump into one of my relatives,
"Sorry, Uncle Leo...

there's a building full of people
burning down. I do have to be running."

He'll go, "Go. Go ahead.
Go to your fancy fire.

If that's what you have to do."

- Look at this.
- Why didn't you shave this morning?

Because I shaved yesterday
in the afternoon.

- Why?
- Because of the day before.

It's a long story.

I can't get back on schedule.

Is that Joe Davola?

It's not him!

I can't live like this. I'm being stalked.

Mr. Seinfeld. They're ready for you.

Mr. Seinfeld.
What about Mr. Costanza?

I'm not here?

All right. You promised.

You're gonna be a little more
flexible on the nothing idea.

- Just a little.
- All right. A little.

Okay. You all set?
You got your story?

- No.
- When he stopped me...

I told him I was rushing because my
friend was about to commit suicide.

Now, you're that friend.

All we need is a reason why
you were gonna commit suicide.

I never had an air conditioner.

No. That's no reason to kill yourself.

Why? It gets hot at night.
You can't sleep.

You ever try to sleep in a hot room?

I sleep in a really hot room.
I don't wanna kill myself.

I've slept in really hot rooms,
and I wanted to kill myself.

No, no, that's not gonna work.
Something else.

I was never able
to become a banker.

Banker! So you're killing yourself...

because your dreams of becoming
a banker have gone unfulfilled.

You... You... You can't live
without being a banker.

Yeah, yeah. If I can't be a banker,
I don't wanna live.

- You must be a banker!
- Must be a banker!

Okay, we'll go with the banker story.

Story is the foundation
of all entertainment.

You must have a good story.
Otherwise, it's just masturbation.

And people really have
to care about the characters.

Care? Forget about care. Love.

They have to love them. Otherwise...

- why tune in?
- Wouldn't tune in.

- Would they tune in?
- No tune.

We like to look at a show
as if it were an EKG.

You have your highs and your lows.
And it goes up and down.

This show will be like a heart attack.

Just a huge, massive coronary.

So, what you said last week
about no story...

you're a little flexible on that now.

Is that what I said, "no story"?
Because Jerry had to tell me later.

He couldn't believe it.

I said... I said, "Get out of here.
No story?

Is that what I said?"

Well, I informed him that he
was exceeding the speed limit...

and that's when he told me
that he was racing home...

because his friend was
about to commit suicide.

And then what happened?

He became very loud and hysterical.

He was flailing his arms
about as he told the story...

and then he threw himself
on the ground...

and he grabbed me
around the legs...

and he begged me to let him go.

And when I refused...

that's when he began to scream,
"My friend's going to die.

My friend's going to die."

I don't know how you guys feel, but we
would like to be in business with you.

- We would like to be in business.
- Love to be in business.

- We'll do business.
- Business.

- Let's have business.
- This is business.

Would it be possible to get
a copy of La Cocina?

Your off-Broadway play.

Gee, you know...

It's... It's the damndest thing. I...

I moved recently,
and my files disappeared.

Now I... I don't know if
they fell off the truck...

or if there was some foul play,
but let me tell you:

I am not through with
that moving company.

That's my vow to you.

Well, I got a feeling about you two.

And even more than that...

I place great confidence
in this lady's judgment.

- Good judgment.
- Good judgment.

- That's a pile of judgment.
- Yes. Yes, judgment with earrings on.

So let's make a pilot.

I had gone up to Westchester.

I go every Tuesday.

I do charity work with the blind...

in my spare time
for the Lighthouse.

I was in the middle of a game of
Parcheesi with an old blind man...

and I excused myself
to call my friend...

as he was very depressed lately...

because he never
became a banker.

I don't understand.

You see, it had been his lifelong
dream to be a banker, and he...

Just the day before,
he was turned down by a bank.

I believe it was
the Manufacturers Hanover...

on Lexington and 40th Street.

That was the third bank in
two weeks to turn him down...

so I was... I was a little concerned.
I wanted to see how he was doing.

Well, Your Honor,
he was barely audible...

but I... I distinctly
recall him saying...

Hey, Yo-Yo Ma.

So I sped home to save my friend's life,
and I was stopped for speeding.

Yes, I admit I was speeding...

but it was to save a man's life.

A close friend.

An innocent person who wanted
nothing more out of life than to love...

to be loved and to be a banker.

So then he didn't kill himself?

No, sir, he did not.

But only by the grace of God.

He is in the courtroom today,
sitting right over there!

And he can corroborate
my entire testimony.

See! Told you! I told you!

- Now all we gotta do is write it.
- Yes!

How are we gonna do that?

- Hey! Congratulations.
- Thanks.

- Thank you. Thanks.
- Thank you.

You know, I thought
you were mad at me.

Mr. Seinfeld, you have
a telephone call.

Phone call? Who knows I'm here?

Hello? Mom?

How did you know I was here?

Oh, I was not rude to him.
That is baloney!

I couldn't talk. I had a meeting.

I don't know. He... He went off
on some thing about pajamas.

When you sent me the bill, I thought
the show didn't have a chance.

Oh, it was only vomit.

Anyway, I would like to pay
for the dry cleaning.

- Oh, no, no. It's okay.
- Oh, no, no, no.

We all chipped in.
We have the money.

Well, it was $18.

- Okay, $18. There it is. There you go.
- All right.

So maybe we could get
together this weekend.

- Yeah. Call me.
- All right. Great.

- Bye.
- Bye. Thanks.


I can't believe she took the money.


I offered to pay.
She should have said no.

She did. You insisted.

This is what the pilot should be about.
Vomiting on somebody's vest.

How much are we gonna get for this?

- Oh, I... I don't know.
- We gotta get 50. Gotta get 50.

We'll go. You call your manager.
Maybe they made an offer.

- Okay.
- All right, let's go, let's go.

Thirteen thousand?

Thirteen thousand.

- Apiece?
- No, for both.

That's insulting. Ted Danson
makes $800,000 an episode.

- Would you stop with the Ted Danson?
- Well, he does.

- You're nuts.
- I'm sorry.

I can't live knowing that Ted Danson
makes that much more than me.

- Who's he?
- He's somebody.

- What about me?
- You're nobody.

- Why him? Why not me?
- He's good. You're not.

- I'm better than him.
- You're worse.

Much, much worse.

- There's Davola.
- What? Where?

- Where?
- Outside. I just saw him outside.

What is it?

Oh, it's this patient.


I'm fairly certain.

I forgot to leave him an extra
prescription for his medication.

Well, so he can live without his
Valium for a couple of days.

No, you don't understand.

He could be dangerous.

Go outside and see if he's there.

I can't go. He knows we're friends.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I gotta take Kramer to the doctor.

- Tell the cop.
- Good idea.

Excuse me, officer.

There's a guy outside, and he's a
nutjob, and he's waiting to beat me up.

If you could just walk me outside
and wait till I get into a cab.

Yeah, all right. Just...
Just let me get a muffin.


He's gonna get a muffin.
Then he'll walk us outside.

This is a great way
to go through life, isn't it?

Hey, he's looking at the menu now.

What's he looking at the menu for?

I thought you said he was
gonna get a muffin.

What are you doing?

- What?
- What, you're ordering food now?

Yeah. Yeah, I decided
to get a sandwich.

What happened to the muffin?

I got a little hungry.

All of a sudden you get hungry?

Yeah. You got a problem with that?


Enjoy your lunch.

You know, a muffin
can be very filling.

- He's getting a sandwich now.
- I thought he was gonna have a muffin.

All of a sudden, he gets hungry.

- You know, a muffin can be very filling.
- I know.

Mr. Kramer...

you heard the testimony so far.

Would you please tell the court,
in your own words...

what happened on the afternoon
of September 10th?

What do you mean,
"in my own words"?

Whose words are they gonna be?

You know what I mean.

- I was very upset that day.
- And why was that?

- Would you let me say..? Let me talk.
- All right. Go ahead.

- All right.
- Okay.

I was very upset that day because
I could never become a banker.

And this failure to become a banker...

was eating at you. Eating, eating,
eating at you inside.


It was your family that pushed you into
banking. It was their dream for you.

- Mr. Newman?
- I'm trying to establish...

Mr. Kramer's fragile emotional state.
My entire case depends on it.


- As you were saying, Mr. Kramer?
- What was the question?

You're telling how your parents
pushed you into banking.

Well, my father, when I was a kid...

he took me to the bank...

and he lifted me up, and he pointed
to the teller, and he said:

"Sonny boy, take a good look
at him.

That's gonna be you someday."

But you never became a banker,
did you, Mr. Kramer?

Why? Why did you fail?

I don't know.

Because you hated your father...

and you would do anything
to displease him!

Isn't that true?

- Could you get to the speeding?
- Yes, I intend to, Your Honor.

And then, on the afternoon
of September 10th...

you received a phone call,
did you not?

Phone call?

Yes, a phone call.

From who?

- From me.
- From you?

Yes, from me! From me!
I called you, remember?

- You called me?
- Yes, I called you, you idiot!

Because you were going to...

- You were going to... Remember?
- What?

You were gonna... You were gonna...

You were gonna do something...

to yourself.
You were gonna do something.

Remember the banking! The banking!
It wasn't working out.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call...

- Yes, a banker!
- What banker?

You're a banker!

- Your Honor...
- That's enough, Mr...

Mr. Kramer is obviously
very distraught.

- I'm distraught?
- You shut up!

I demand a recess so that
I can take him outside...

and help him regain
his composure.

That'll be $75.

What's the matter with you, you jerk?
We had it all worked out!

Is he out there? Do you see him?

I'm not sure.

Well, either you see him or you don't.

All right, I don't.

What is he doing?

Is he getting coffee?

I think he's getting coffee.

What's with this guy?

Did you just order coffee?

- Yeah.
- This is really too much.

- What is your problem?
- I'm sitting over there...

waiting for you to finish
for 20 minutes.

Now you're drinking coffee.
That's another 10 minutes.

Well, you're just gonna have to wait.

You never said anything
about the banking.

- You're off your rocker!
- Hey, you guys.

- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?
- Is Davola outside?

- Davola?
- Yeah.

- No, I didn't see him.
- Crazy Joe Davola?

- Jerry, yours is $11.
- Eleven dollars? For what?

Muffin, sandwich and coffee.

Hey, NBC okayed our idea.
We're gonna make the pilot.

The circus freak show?

- No.
- A pilot?

What do you make for something
like that? Fifty, 60 thousand?

What's the difference?
The money's not important.

- Hey, Newman, is that your red car?
- Yeah.

- I think you're getting a ticket.
- Run.

- Go! Go! Go!
- Hey, what are you doing?

It's after 6:00!
You can't give me a ticket!

You're not gonna get away with this.
I'll fight this.

- I've got witnesses.
- I saw the whole thing.

This would be a good idea
for the pilot.

Get out of here.
The vomiting is funnier.

Oh, like you know.

No. You do.

Many states now have traffic school
when you have an infraction.

I went to traffic school.
I didn't mind it.

I felt bad for the instructor.

This guy goes to traffic school
every day, no matter how he drives.

What is his incentive to not speed?

He's going to traffic school, anyway.

Why not get a racecar, do 200 miles
an hour down the street?

Cop stops you. "Where you going?"
"Traffic school. ""Go ahead.

And you better hurry.
You really need it."

The punishment should be, instead of traffic
school or traffic court, just traffic.

They sentence you
to 100 hours of traffic.

Five people drive all around you...

at five miles an hour
wherever you go.

You're on your way to Vegas.
There isn't a car in sight.

Come on, move it.