Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007–2011): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
Belle attends her book launch disguised as a waitress but leaves early to meet American client Jesse, whilst Ben is mistaken for the author by a lady named Camilla,who beds him before realising her mistake. Belle's publisher Duncan is so taken by sales that he asks her to prepare a follow-up though Stephanie, Belle's agent,is less impressed by her depiction in the book.
What I do is not so different
from a conventional career, is it?
The same basic rules apply.
If you want to stay on top,
you need to be in control at all times.
One thing this job has taught me,
is that you can't lie back and
expect things to just happen.
If you want to diversify,
you've got to grab your opportunities,
seize your moments, don't
let them pass you by.
Timing is everything.
And you have to be versatile.
Transferable skills are a must.
And you thought you
knew everything about me.
You're welcome.
Great disguise.
Enjoy. It's a triumph already.
Am I allowed to talk to you?
Yeah, but can you not pull that face?
You look like you're having a stroke.
I'm trying to be discreet.
- Why are you wearing a
bow-tie? - What's wrong with it?
Nothing, it's just... not very you.
You've got to look the part.
It was either this or a cravat.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the launch of atwood
and Kalberg's latest title.
"The Secret Life of a London Call Girl"
makes no apologies for lifting the
lid on the sex life of our capital.
It's not for the faint-hearted,
but it does make for
a scintillating read
and we are extremely proud
to be launching it tonight.
Woo!
The author passes on her apologies.
She can't be with us tonight.
If you read the book, you'll
understand she has a busy schedule.
But we do have the pleasure
of hearing an extract.
Guests with pacemakers may want
to retire to the drawing room.
- I don't believe that.
- I know.
They can't be real.
Look at the size of them!
That's supposed to be me.
It's good.
The first thing you should know...
Sorry.
Is that I am a whore.
Oh, Jesus.
Best take two.
I'm very high class, which
means I charge by the hour...
And I charge a lot.
No money, no honey.
Never play until they pay.
Oh, come on, I've gotta
be in here somewhere.
Fortunately, however...
it's only my manager
who ever robs me blind.
No longer able to shake
her own money-maker.
The terrible old tart
takes 40% of our fees.
So if you want to know what
really goes on behind closed doors,
come with me.
I'll tell you everything I know.
Woo!
Sounded good, didn't it?
Hey! Where are you
going? It wasn't that bad.
To throw myself off the fire escape!
Apparently, she doesn't even exist.
It's all just part of a
clever marketing campaign.
It's awful, isn't it?
It's so misogynistic.
I'll bet it's written by a man.
Ah! I used to be a waitress.
Don't worry, it won't be forever.
One of my favourite clients.
A real gentleman.
Hello.
I was wondering if I
could introduce myself?
Ben. Hi.
What's the point in staying there,
when there's some real fun to be had?
Can I...?
So what brings you here, anyway?
You don't work at the company, do you?
I'm in PR there. I'm sure
I would have remembered you.
My friend wrote the book.
Actually, I'm here on her behalf,
because she's not here.
She's definitely not here.
- Your friend?
- Yes. Yep.
Tell me more about this erm... friend.
Are you very close?
Yeah I guess we are.
But not like that.
Just mates.
- Tell the truth.
- Sorry?
It's you, isn't it?
Hmm?
You are the London call girl.
I have read every word you've written
and i cannot tell you
how it turns me on.
Just talk like you write.
Ok, but I've got to warn you...
I do a lot of re-drafting.
Don't be modest.
I'm going to take off all your clothes.
Yes.
Then I'm going to er...
What? What are you going to do?
Gonna throw you on the bed.
Go on, then.
Wah!
You sexy bitch, you really turn me on.
Are you ok?
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Fucking hell!
Do you want to take a
breather for a minute?
Yeah.
Maybe for just like five
minutes, or something.
You know that section in the book
where Belle gets whisked off
to Paris by a celebrity client?
Was that based on a true story,
or did you just make that up?
That was true.
That wasn't in the book, Ben.
- Get dressed then, shall I?
- If you wouldn't mind.
Yeah.
So are you going to keep
me in suspense all night?
Hmm?
You've forgotten,
haven't you? I knew it.
Sorry, erm... you're going
to have to help me out here.
Is it your birthday?
No. Oh, my God. You've
really forgotten, haven't you?
- What do you take me for?
- Yeah.
Aaah!
Now, I saved the receipt
so, look, if it doesn't fit,
or the colour isn't right,
- you have to let me know.
- Yes.
- Can I open it?
- Ok.
- It's perfect.
- Yeah? Try it on.
Ok, but you can't look. I want you
to have the full effect. Turn round.
Ready. Ta-dah!
- You look beautiful.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I think this even beats
the King Kong snow-globe.
Yes!
Are you ok?
Not really, no.
So what is it?
I don't know. I'm just having
a bit of a crisis of confidence.
Seriously? Are you for real?
- I mean, that was the best sex I've had in...
- No, not with this.
Jesse...
Do you ever feel like you've
bitten off more than you can chew?
- All the time.
- Yeah?
What you do about it?
Well, I either spit
it out or... swallow.
That's good advice.
You asked.
Keep it on. Ok.
Breezing through reception areas
looking inconspicuous is my forte.
Well, usually.
At my publisher's office,
I feel I might as well be wearing
a flashing sign that reads 'hooker'.
None of these people know the truth.
As far as they're concerned,
I'm just another author.
An author!
Maybe I can fake it till I make it.
- Good to see you.
- Hi.
Come in.
Have a seat.
So how did you find it, last night?
I noticed you left early.
Yeah, going incognito was not
quite as much fun as I'd hoped.
- A bit surreal?
- Surreal, yes, that definitely.
Erm... excruciatingly
painful also Springs to mind.
I don't know... I
think being in disguise
is a great way to hear
what the critics think.
Well, people will always
want to have an opinion.
But, if it's any consolation,
have a look at that.
It's your first review.
They're right.
It's intelligent, witty, wry.
So... book two?
We need to really jump on the
success of this first book.
How does three months
sound for a first draft?
No rest for the wicked.
Look, I know it doesn't sound that long
but, by the time we've factored in
editing, type-setting, proofing...
yeah. No, it wasn't that.
It was erm... I don't know,
I'm just feeling a bit...
- Daunted?
- Daunted, yeah.
Understandably.
I want you to go even
further with your second book.
Oh, God.
You're more than capable, Belle.
When you say 'even further'...?
I think this next book could be
a real psychological exploration of you,
your clients.
I want you to plunder your soul.
I'm not entirely sure
I'm ready to plunder.
I want you to put your trust
in me completely, Belle.
I know it's a lot to ask,
but I won't let you down.
Why did i just agree to that?
If I'm going to write a second book,
I'm going to have to
do some serious whoring.
- Oh, darling.
- Hiya.
Bright little number.
Yeah, do you think it's a bit much?
- Got something for me?
- Yes.
Wonderful.
It's good, that book, isn't
it? I've read it three times.
Have you?
Yeah. I think it's really lifelike.
All the girls are talking about it.
Seems a little... distasteful to me.
And the madam... good God!
A pantomime villain.
- Who on earth behaves like that?
- I don't know, she seems all right.
I wonder who she is?
Are we done, or is there anything
else you want to talk to me about?
- No, no, nothing.
- Excellent. Ciao.
Darling?
Three times?
Sorry?
It only came out on
the shelves yesterday.
You're quick, aren't you?
Ciao, darling.
Give my love to Belle.
Onwards and upwards.
An overnighter... in Mayfair.
Book two, here I come.
- Welcome.
- Thanks.
I'm going to have a mint tea
first, while I get changed.
- Can I get you one?
- No thanks.
Not while I'm working.
Probably takes a bit of
time to get warmed up.
So, chapter one:
Mr. Mayfair, it turns out,
has an insatiable appetite for
grinding away for hours on end.
We might as well be
whittling a chair leg.
Is everything ok?
Everything's great.
You're great.
I just thought there might be something
we can do to make things a bit more...
special for you.
This is fine.
How about a bit of erm... tie and tease?
- I have claustrophobia.
- Isn't that confined spaces?
- Well, that's a big part of it yes,
but i have quite an extreme type,
which also includes a fear of being
bound or constricted in any way.
Right.
- Shall I carry on?
- Please do.
I also have a fear of heights.
Do you?
I imagine they're probably
connected in some way.
Heights and confinement.
Fascinating thing, isn't it?
- The human mind.
- Riveting.
The thing about phobias
people don't realise
is that they're all rooted to
some form of neuroses in childhood.
I read this fascinating
article the other week...
I know what you're going to say.
Do you?
Not every client I have
makes for good material.
But you know what? I did the
best I could with the little I had
which, by the way, was
hours staring at a ceiling,
- listening to a list of phobias...
- It's brilliant.
Really?
- Really?
- It's very funny. It's intelligent, insightful.
You're a natural raconteur.
I think this is going to be
even better than your first book
which, i might add, is
really saying something.
- What's this?
- Print run figures.
Don't get your hopes up about
being a millionaire just yet,
but I think you'll
agree... pretty impressive.
Fuck me!
Exactly.
Woo!
Looks great.
It must feel amazing.
Yeah, it's not bad.
You've not even told me what
you think of the book yet.
You haven't read it, have you?
- Yeah, sort of.
- I've read it three times.
How can you 'sort of' read it, Ben?
I've read the whatsit, on
the back, you know, the...
I'll start properly tonight.
What? I've been busy.
- No, you haven't.
- I've read it three times.
Yeah, thanks Bambi. There you
go. There's loyalty for you.
You should read it, you're in it loads.
- Am I?
- Yeah.
I called you Jeremy.
Jeremy? What the fuck
are you saying with that?
- What did you think of Letitia, then?
- What?
I thought I'd call you Letitia.
I thought it would suit you, then
I worried it might be a bit tacky.
- I'm Letitia?
- Yeah, course you are.
- Could you not tell?
- Oh, my days. Letitia is amazing.
- Yeah.
- She's a scream.
I'm Letitia? That's
me? Oh, my bloody days.
All right. Steady on. Jesus! I'm sorry.
I am starring in a book.
I can't believe it.
I'm a star.
If they do make it into a film,
I'm not being called
fucking Jeremy, though.
Ok, well, we'll cross that bridge
when we come to it, should we?
I think it'll make an awesome film.
I'm talking to Belle about the film.
All right. Steady on, Bambi.
Jackie?
Why don't you answer your bloody phone?
I've been calling you for ages.
- Who is it?
- It's my sister.
What's the matter?
Patrick's having an affair. I
need to stay here for a while.
Prostitute. Author. Sister.
Shit.
Jackie!
I'm Byron. How the fuck are you?
- Is Han in?
- She's out, but I'm in.
I know it was you who wrote
that filthy little book.
I don't know what you're talking about.
We need to talk.
Sync by sanggers
from a conventional career, is it?
The same basic rules apply.
If you want to stay on top,
you need to be in control at all times.
One thing this job has taught me,
is that you can't lie back and
expect things to just happen.
If you want to diversify,
you've got to grab your opportunities,
seize your moments, don't
let them pass you by.
Timing is everything.
And you have to be versatile.
Transferable skills are a must.
And you thought you
knew everything about me.
You're welcome.
Great disguise.
Enjoy. It's a triumph already.
Am I allowed to talk to you?
Yeah, but can you not pull that face?
You look like you're having a stroke.
I'm trying to be discreet.
- Why are you wearing a
bow-tie? - What's wrong with it?
Nothing, it's just... not very you.
You've got to look the part.
It was either this or a cravat.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the launch of atwood
and Kalberg's latest title.
"The Secret Life of a London Call Girl"
makes no apologies for lifting the
lid on the sex life of our capital.
It's not for the faint-hearted,
but it does make for
a scintillating read
and we are extremely proud
to be launching it tonight.
Woo!
The author passes on her apologies.
She can't be with us tonight.
If you read the book, you'll
understand she has a busy schedule.
But we do have the pleasure
of hearing an extract.
Guests with pacemakers may want
to retire to the drawing room.
- I don't believe that.
- I know.
They can't be real.
Look at the size of them!
That's supposed to be me.
It's good.
The first thing you should know...
Sorry.
Is that I am a whore.
Oh, Jesus.
Best take two.
I'm very high class, which
means I charge by the hour...
And I charge a lot.
No money, no honey.
Never play until they pay.
Oh, come on, I've gotta
be in here somewhere.
Fortunately, however...
it's only my manager
who ever robs me blind.
No longer able to shake
her own money-maker.
The terrible old tart
takes 40% of our fees.
So if you want to know what
really goes on behind closed doors,
come with me.
I'll tell you everything I know.
Woo!
Sounded good, didn't it?
Hey! Where are you
going? It wasn't that bad.
To throw myself off the fire escape!
Apparently, she doesn't even exist.
It's all just part of a
clever marketing campaign.
It's awful, isn't it?
It's so misogynistic.
I'll bet it's written by a man.
Ah! I used to be a waitress.
Don't worry, it won't be forever.
One of my favourite clients.
A real gentleman.
Hello.
I was wondering if I
could introduce myself?
Ben. Hi.
What's the point in staying there,
when there's some real fun to be had?
Can I...?
So what brings you here, anyway?
You don't work at the company, do you?
I'm in PR there. I'm sure
I would have remembered you.
My friend wrote the book.
Actually, I'm here on her behalf,
because she's not here.
She's definitely not here.
- Your friend?
- Yes. Yep.
Tell me more about this erm... friend.
Are you very close?
Yeah I guess we are.
But not like that.
Just mates.
- Tell the truth.
- Sorry?
It's you, isn't it?
Hmm?
You are the London call girl.
I have read every word you've written
and i cannot tell you
how it turns me on.
Just talk like you write.
Ok, but I've got to warn you...
I do a lot of re-drafting.
Don't be modest.
I'm going to take off all your clothes.
Yes.
Then I'm going to er...
What? What are you going to do?
Gonna throw you on the bed.
Go on, then.
Wah!
You sexy bitch, you really turn me on.
Are you ok?
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Fucking hell!
Do you want to take a
breather for a minute?
Yeah.
Maybe for just like five
minutes, or something.
You know that section in the book
where Belle gets whisked off
to Paris by a celebrity client?
Was that based on a true story,
or did you just make that up?
That was true.
That wasn't in the book, Ben.
- Get dressed then, shall I?
- If you wouldn't mind.
Yeah.
So are you going to keep
me in suspense all night?
Hmm?
You've forgotten,
haven't you? I knew it.
Sorry, erm... you're going
to have to help me out here.
Is it your birthday?
No. Oh, my God. You've
really forgotten, haven't you?
- What do you take me for?
- Yeah.
Aaah!
Now, I saved the receipt
so, look, if it doesn't fit,
or the colour isn't right,
- you have to let me know.
- Yes.
- Can I open it?
- Ok.
- It's perfect.
- Yeah? Try it on.
Ok, but you can't look. I want you
to have the full effect. Turn round.
Ready. Ta-dah!
- You look beautiful.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I think this even beats
the King Kong snow-globe.
Yes!
Are you ok?
Not really, no.
So what is it?
I don't know. I'm just having
a bit of a crisis of confidence.
Seriously? Are you for real?
- I mean, that was the best sex I've had in...
- No, not with this.
Jesse...
Do you ever feel like you've
bitten off more than you can chew?
- All the time.
- Yeah?
What you do about it?
Well, I either spit
it out or... swallow.
That's good advice.
You asked.
Keep it on. Ok.
Breezing through reception areas
looking inconspicuous is my forte.
Well, usually.
At my publisher's office,
I feel I might as well be wearing
a flashing sign that reads 'hooker'.
None of these people know the truth.
As far as they're concerned,
I'm just another author.
An author!
Maybe I can fake it till I make it.
- Good to see you.
- Hi.
Come in.
Have a seat.
So how did you find it, last night?
I noticed you left early.
Yeah, going incognito was not
quite as much fun as I'd hoped.
- A bit surreal?
- Surreal, yes, that definitely.
Erm... excruciatingly
painful also Springs to mind.
I don't know... I
think being in disguise
is a great way to hear
what the critics think.
Well, people will always
want to have an opinion.
But, if it's any consolation,
have a look at that.
It's your first review.
They're right.
It's intelligent, witty, wry.
So... book two?
We need to really jump on the
success of this first book.
How does three months
sound for a first draft?
No rest for the wicked.
Look, I know it doesn't sound that long
but, by the time we've factored in
editing, type-setting, proofing...
yeah. No, it wasn't that.
It was erm... I don't know,
I'm just feeling a bit...
- Daunted?
- Daunted, yeah.
Understandably.
I want you to go even
further with your second book.
Oh, God.
You're more than capable, Belle.
When you say 'even further'...?
I think this next book could be
a real psychological exploration of you,
your clients.
I want you to plunder your soul.
I'm not entirely sure
I'm ready to plunder.
I want you to put your trust
in me completely, Belle.
I know it's a lot to ask,
but I won't let you down.
Why did i just agree to that?
If I'm going to write a second book,
I'm going to have to
do some serious whoring.
- Oh, darling.
- Hiya.
Bright little number.
Yeah, do you think it's a bit much?
- Got something for me?
- Yes.
Wonderful.
It's good, that book, isn't
it? I've read it three times.
Have you?
Yeah. I think it's really lifelike.
All the girls are talking about it.
Seems a little... distasteful to me.
And the madam... good God!
A pantomime villain.
- Who on earth behaves like that?
- I don't know, she seems all right.
I wonder who she is?
Are we done, or is there anything
else you want to talk to me about?
- No, no, nothing.
- Excellent. Ciao.
Darling?
Three times?
Sorry?
It only came out on
the shelves yesterday.
You're quick, aren't you?
Ciao, darling.
Give my love to Belle.
Onwards and upwards.
An overnighter... in Mayfair.
Book two, here I come.
- Welcome.
- Thanks.
I'm going to have a mint tea
first, while I get changed.
- Can I get you one?
- No thanks.
Not while I'm working.
Probably takes a bit of
time to get warmed up.
So, chapter one:
Mr. Mayfair, it turns out,
has an insatiable appetite for
grinding away for hours on end.
We might as well be
whittling a chair leg.
Is everything ok?
Everything's great.
You're great.
I just thought there might be something
we can do to make things a bit more...
special for you.
This is fine.
How about a bit of erm... tie and tease?
- I have claustrophobia.
- Isn't that confined spaces?
- Well, that's a big part of it yes,
but i have quite an extreme type,
which also includes a fear of being
bound or constricted in any way.
Right.
- Shall I carry on?
- Please do.
I also have a fear of heights.
Do you?
I imagine they're probably
connected in some way.
Heights and confinement.
Fascinating thing, isn't it?
- The human mind.
- Riveting.
The thing about phobias
people don't realise
is that they're all rooted to
some form of neuroses in childhood.
I read this fascinating
article the other week...
I know what you're going to say.
Do you?
Not every client I have
makes for good material.
But you know what? I did the
best I could with the little I had
which, by the way, was
hours staring at a ceiling,
- listening to a list of phobias...
- It's brilliant.
Really?
- Really?
- It's very funny. It's intelligent, insightful.
You're a natural raconteur.
I think this is going to be
even better than your first book
which, i might add, is
really saying something.
- What's this?
- Print run figures.
Don't get your hopes up about
being a millionaire just yet,
but I think you'll
agree... pretty impressive.
Fuck me!
Exactly.
Woo!
Looks great.
It must feel amazing.
Yeah, it's not bad.
You've not even told me what
you think of the book yet.
You haven't read it, have you?
- Yeah, sort of.
- I've read it three times.
How can you 'sort of' read it, Ben?
I've read the whatsit, on
the back, you know, the...
I'll start properly tonight.
What? I've been busy.
- No, you haven't.
- I've read it three times.
Yeah, thanks Bambi. There you
go. There's loyalty for you.
You should read it, you're in it loads.
- Am I?
- Yeah.
I called you Jeremy.
Jeremy? What the fuck
are you saying with that?
- What did you think of Letitia, then?
- What?
I thought I'd call you Letitia.
I thought it would suit you, then
I worried it might be a bit tacky.
- I'm Letitia?
- Yeah, course you are.
- Could you not tell?
- Oh, my days. Letitia is amazing.
- Yeah.
- She's a scream.
I'm Letitia? That's
me? Oh, my bloody days.
All right. Steady on. Jesus! I'm sorry.
I am starring in a book.
I can't believe it.
I'm a star.
If they do make it into a film,
I'm not being called
fucking Jeremy, though.
Ok, well, we'll cross that bridge
when we come to it, should we?
I think it'll make an awesome film.
I'm talking to Belle about the film.
All right. Steady on, Bambi.
Jackie?
Why don't you answer your bloody phone?
I've been calling you for ages.
- Who is it?
- It's my sister.
What's the matter?
Patrick's having an affair. I
need to stay here for a while.
Prostitute. Author. Sister.
Shit.
Jackie!
I'm Byron. How the fuck are you?
- Is Han in?
- She's out, but I'm in.
I know it was you who wrote
that filthy little book.
I don't know what you're talking about.
We need to talk.
Sync by sanggers