Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 8, Episode 7 - My New Role - full transcript

Dr. Dorian?

Katie,
we've been over this.

It's inappropriate to interrupt an
attending while he's hitting that.

Particularly while
he's hitting it good.

Turk and I used Katie
as a messenger service.

Dr. Turk liked the dry
honey that he had taken.

He had never seen himself
as a deep sea diver before.

Awesome! And go back and say,
JD says you're welcome.

And here's a little
something for your bottom.

Oh, and he wanted me to ask you if you
wanted to go to the batting cages after work.

Remind him I don't like to do
things that I'm not good at.



Yeah.
That's why we don't have sex much.

That hurt me so much,
I lost my breath a little.

Ooh! Barbara.

Can you please put Mrs. Newell on a
150mg of Clindamycine?

Can't we use
Azythromycine instead?

That way she only requires
one dose instead of four

and I won't have
to be running around all day.

- Interesting.
- Interesting.

Elliot didn't think
it was interesting,

so they went to the person who settled
all disputes between nurses and physicians.

Okay, I'm glad you guys
didn't let this escalate.

Elliot, I bet you didn't
know that on weekends,

Barbara was a
semi-professional kick-boxer.

I did not.



Still, doctors decide all prescription
orders and... you know that.

Hi-ya!

Oh, my God!
Did she just kick that ceiling top?

Oh, yeah.
She's really good.

A little about time, champ.
Beer me.

No problem. Just remember our deal:
I bring the beer

and you don't tell anybody that
we are now spending time together.

You're the new chief, I'm the old chief
who bettered and gotten you through it.

I was gonna hit four and be a
doctor like I have my entire career.

Well, you can kiss
that idea good-bye.

I spend so much time behind that desk
dealing with red tape,

my behind still has the
imprint of the chair.

You want to see? Since we're
friends now, I can show you my butt.

Bob, I saw it 5 years ago at
Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party

and I am still recovering.
Honest to God,

there are times when I close
my eyes, and it's... just there.

That still doesn't change
the fact that you are

going to spend most of your
day trapped in that office.

Look, there are a few key
differences between us.

For instance, I know that white leather
shoes are never gonna be "classy".

I believe that a yard should have trees,
not gay little angel fountains.

And I damn sure am not gonna
be stuck in my office all day long.

Enid picked up the damn fountains.
I don't even like 'em.

Bob?

Fine. I like to pretend that
they're friendly stone people.

Alright, I'm... partial to the one with
the tiny grains and the flowers for hair.

That's Leslie.

Dr. Turk wanted me
to give you this.

I warned you about
abusing interns.

That'd better be not
another stupid drawing.

Elliot, please. Turk just
wanted me to look up a study about

intra-operative beta blockade to
prevent post-operative complications.

- Really?
- No.

He took a picture of me and
Photoshopped it on cactus hands.

Look at me! I can't touch
anything I love without hurting it.

Do not do him
any more personal favours.

Okay.

Alright... Honey-Had-It.

What are you talking about?

It is my first official day
as Chief of Medicine and...

Sure, you've set up some
elaborate, annoying spectacle.

I didn't do anything.

As s'pose that giant cake
has nothing to do with me.

No, that's cause Colonel Doctor
has two years sober.

Puh-lease. Just, go ahead and do
whatever it is that you're gonna do

so I might get to work.

Come on!
Think of something!

That was actually pretty
impressive there, Newbie.

- Thank you for that.
- You're welcome, Perry.

How lucky was that!

Why are you playing bongos?

It's Monday.
Monday is Bongo Day.

VO Transcript And
Major Edits By: VeRdiKT

"My New Role"

I just had to come
see it for myself.

You are the Chief of Medicine.

I know.

It is great to see someone other
than Kelso behind that desk.

Ted?

This is the first time I've
been allowed to use the couch.

Dr. Kelso always made me stand.

Even when I had
thigh reconstruction surgery.

His dog, Baxter, ate the
lower-half of my hand sprain.

Oh yeah.
That was gross.

Go and make yourself
comfortable, pal.

So I hope you don't mind
my barging in.

You gotta be kidding me.
Infact, Ted,

go ahead and put Carla on
the "Always Allowed In" list.

You got it.

Too comfortable, Ted.

Thanks, sir.
I need boundaries.

So, you... have a list of who
can and can't come in here.

There's the "Always Allowed In" list,

the "Sometimes Allowed In" list,
and the "Never, Ever,

"Ever, Ever, Ever,
Ever, Ever-hee, Ever" list.

Who's on the
"Never, Ever, Ever, Ever"?

Dr. Dorian at your service.

- How was your weekend, Howie?
- Well, I bought some new soap,

but it turns out
I was allergic to it.

Tried to get a refund,
but I lost my receipt.

I was hoping
you'd just say fine.

Okay, let's start
rounds over here.

Mr. Vaughn,
how are you today, sir?

Pretty good, but could you have
the maid send some fresh towels?

Mr. Vaughn has pneumonia.
He was touch-and-go there for a while,

but you're bouncing back.
You're gonna be out of here any day now.

I hope not.

It's nice being with people
for a change.

We like having you
around too, sir.

If you need anything,
you'll let us know.

- What the hell is that?
- Some stupid gift from the Board.

It's a photo of Sacred Heart
when it first opened in 1884.

- There's a hybrid in the parking lot.
- I might have read the date wrong.

- So where do am I gonna hang it?
- Somebody else's office.

Are you trying to stop me
from doing my job?

How would you feel if I tried
to stop you from...

Taking patients' wallets
after they died.

Doctors don't do that.

Look at you,
sticking with the plan.

Just put it some place,
will ya?

Oh, I gotta go.

- I'll go with you.
- Chiefs can do that?

I'm gonna stay in here all day,

I wanna get out and see people,
check on patients,

maybe make an intern cry.

Actually, Dr. Cox, you need to look
for over the (hygiene) paperwork

and these
nursing home transfer requests.

See you later.

What are you doing there, Ted?

Dr. Kelso always used to
sign his paperwork on my back.

It's not so bad,
I imagine it's what a hug feels like.

- Is it?
- I'm not gonna hug you, Ted.

Oh.

Hey Carla.

Next time you hang with Dr. Cox,

maybe instead of breaking each
other's hair, you could talk to him

about making some new hire

so we don't have to
work forced overtime.

Why is Nelly giving
you so much attitude?

Even though
I'm the Head Nurse,

I mostly hang with doctors,

I'm married to a doctor,
my best friend is a doctor.

Who's your best friend?

You are.

I know. I just wanted to
hear you say that loud.

The point is:
Nurses sometimes think

I'm on the wrong team.

How could they think that?

You're like the
most loyal person I know.

Except for the time that you boo-ed
me off the stage at the karaoke bar.

Elliot, you're not allowed to sing
'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot'.

I can hit those low notes.

Sure, that's why.

Look, most nurses
feel under-appreciated,

especially by doctors.

It's not that bad here, is it?

You know what the M.D. at
the end of this badge means?

It means, I Make the Decisions.

You got that, missy?

I'll see you at home.

And sometimes,
it's not even that subtle.

My post-op patient is still going
in-and-out of consciousness.

You know what I'd like to go
in-and-out of?

Disrespecting-nurses five!

They're booting Mr. Vaughn.

His insurance won't pay for
him to stay here any longer.

He lives all alone. He's not
ready to take care of himself, yet.

You know, I'd like to uphold Dr. Cox.
Let me handle this.

Mr. Vaughn is such a sweetie.

You wish you could just bring him
home and take care of him yourself?

You're late.

Not five seconds in the door,

and it's already No. 3 on
Mr. Vaughn's Greatest Hits.

You know,
why stop there, Franck?

Coming in at No. 2: "You Never
Introduce Me To People At Parties".

And at the top of the charts,
as always,

"What About My Feelings?"

I only say those things
because I love you.

Well, you've got a
funny way of showing it.

You know what?
That might be a little weird.

And how many catheters
do we normally order?

We'll just order that.

Great.

And there we go.

What d'ya think?

Why?

Because, now
you can see the back of it.

See? Life is more interesting when
you look at the back of things.

Women, that's obvious.
Baseball cards,

puppet shows...

Plus, you get the 3-D effect.

Look at this.

Hey, what's that off on the distance,
a hospital of some sort?

Oh, it is a hospital!

No. Never mind.
It took off again.

Here it comes again.
Watch it! Watch!

It's got Terry!
Everyone run!

You know. It's a game.

Try again there, Chewie.

And done, we get
the hell outta here.

Hey there, New Chief!

Barbie, did you not
see the list outside?

I saw it.
I'm in "Sometimes Allowed".

Oh, now isn't
one of those times.

- Yeah, but--
- Don't care. Get out.

Man!

I am not answering that.

Carla, find me a friendly face.

The phone won't stop ringing,

everybody in their sister
wants a favour--

Actually,
speaking of favours...

I've been noticing all the
recent forced over-time.

Maybe we can hire a
few extra nurses?

Of course.
That's what you wanted.

Just testing out the hammer.
See if it works.

It does.

The Board wants to know why you
haven't submitted the new budget.

Eh! You're not the
only one who can hammer.

I'll just...

Come back another time.

Carla!

Stop it!

I can't help you
with the nurses,

and I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wow!
Nice dig, Perr.

Didn't you see your name on the
"Never, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever" list?

No! It's not on there.

- Ted!
- I'm on it.

Look, my pneumonia patient
is being discharged,

and he's not ready.

If he goes home now,
he could develop ARDS,

he could relapse,
even fall and break his hip.

I need you to keep him
in here longer.

Can't do it.

The Board knows I pull
strings for patients,

and they're all over my ass.

I gotta stay below
the radar for a while.

Okay, you know what?

- We're cool
- No, we're not cool.

What?
Why aren't we cool?

Oh, must be because
we're super cool.

Ask him.

Is it because--

And no,
we're not super cool.

Look, you seem to think that
just because I have this new job,

that suddenly I don't realise
that the patients come first.

That I somehow forgotten
what matters.

For the love of God,
I taught you what matters.

You're arrogant, pretentious,
self-righteous, little jackass.

Are you...

hammering in the perfect
spots for emphasis?

I was trying to, yeah.

Well, it's just terrific.
Thank you for that.

And you,
get the hell out of my office.

Yes, sir.

As I left, I couldn't tell
if that pounding

was the Janitor's hammering,

or just the sound of my head of
Dr. Cox finally being boxed in.

Sometimes,
all you can hope for

is the chance to breathe
every now and then.

This is the Chief of Medicine.

Well, that's fine.
We will get together

and discuss the (**)
issue on Thursday, then.

Alrighty.

Are you finally finished
with the project?

Yep, all done.

Oh, boy!

I got the nail in there,
but it's loose.

You know what?
I'm gonna go get some putty.

If you just hold this right here,
I'll be done... in a second!

Just hold it novel and tight.
Bear the weight.

Here?

Right there,
I'll be back in one minute.

You're doing great.

So, that's what a
Chief of Medicine does.

Oh, now what's with the
lab coat, Bob?

Ah, the old gal down in pharmacy
doesn't know that I've retired so,

she still hooks me up with
free morning after-pills.

Sir, I was just looking
over the...

Dear God in Heaven!

Still got him.

How's the pulse, Ted?

Nothin'.

Why don't you go somewhere
and lie down?

Ah, I don't need to
go dressing on (**)

So, the Janitor still doing
the picture thing, huh?

I beg your pardon?

Well, everytime he would ask me
for a real office, I'd say no.

So, now if anyone gets a nice,
new office,

he gets very angry and he uses
that picture to drive them insane.

Now what the hell does a janitor
need an office for, anyway?

So you wanna discuss the urinal
cake issue on Thursday, huh?

Let me check my calendar.

Alright, Steve.

I'll... huh?

What did they do?

Oh, hey, good one!

Little rascist.

Yeah, you...

You know what? Um,
just give my love to Darlene, okay?

Syphilis, huh?

Well, that's...

I'm not a doctor, Steve,
but...

That seems unusual,
even for syphilis.

I can't believe they're
just kicking him out.

What happened with all that
pull you have with Dr. Cox?

Look, he said his
hands are tied on this one.

Hobby-konk.

- What?
- That's old man for "bullcrap".

You're not dark, aren't you?

That's what they tell me,
but I don't see it.

So I asked Dr. Cox about hiring
some extra nurses, and he said no.

Did you really ask him, or did you
just compliment him on his new office?

- You know what, frick them.
- Frick them? I'm one of them.

Yeah, but they're acting like
a bunch of frick-heads.

Sorry, about all the F-bombs.

I don't blame them
for being frustrated at working here,

because a lot of the times,
I feel the same way.

God! You are so clueless!

You're not mad at me, you're just
frustrated about something else

and you're taking it out on me.

I mean, it's like last night,
when my favourite shoes

made my toes bleed, and so I called
you a frizzy-haired mega bitch.

That's why we had to make the rule,
that we can't just dump on each other

just because we're pissy
about other stuff.

- We need to cancel that rule.
- Yeah, I agree. It was stupid. I hated it.

Yeah, but Elliot,
all nurses want

is to be treated
with the same respect

that you doctors get treated with
every single day.

- I do that.
- You do with me.

But what about
all the other nurses?

Like Barbara this morning?

Were you as suspectful
as you could have been?

And ma'am, you should feel
confident in the decision

to give you Clindamycine,
because it was made by someone

who went to a medical school,

and not someone who turned to nursing
after he failed careers recording artist.

And don't you dare
try to kick-box me.

Maybe not totally.

When he gets the startle like
the one I gave him earlier,

he usually sleeps about 18 hours.

Have people been taking care
of him since I left?

We've all been pitching in.
We're spending time with him,

taking him on walks.

Who's a good boy?

So, why are you so afraid to
get all up in Dr. Cox's grill?

We both know we can occasionally
be someone of an avengful person.

This is demeaning.

I know.

God, that's where I want the picture
for the rest of the day.

Listen, if he wanted to find a
place to hide your patient, he could!

He's just stressed,
and out of his elements,

and hell, he's scared.

And even if he hasn't
behaved like this,

this job is changing him already!

Because it comes with a whole
host of overwhelming responsibilities,

including keeping
this hospital floating.

I'd help him if you'd let me,
but you know he won't.

When I was Chief,

and Dr. Cox came to begin
complained about something,

I would automatically say no.

And if he never complained again,
I'd know it wasn't that important.

But if he came back
and fought for it, over and over,

I'd know it was something
that I have to take a look at.

Now, he's me,

and he's got this
damn voice in his head,

telling him to say
no all the time,

then he desperately needs
someone on the other side

to tell him what he should do,
whether he wants to hear it or not.

And now,
that person is you.

Here we are.

- Will he be at least grateful?
- No.

He's gonna hate you for it.

Go!

What?

Hey guys,
how's it going over here?

Awesome...

Look.

Barb, I really just want to
come by and apologize

for the way I
treated you earlier.

I was planning on waiting for
you in the parking lot tonight

and kicking your teeth in.

- Please don't.
- Even if she tried,

Carla would just swoop in
and protect her doctor friend.

Look, you guys aren't
even really mad at Carla,

you're just frustrated by the situation
and you're taking it out on her.

Carla actually had a rule about that
earlier, but we cancelled it because...

You know what?
Probably, not that important.

The point is:
Carla's a nurse first.

Even if it means yelling
at her best friend.

That's me.

She said that out loud earlier.
You can ask anyone.

Anyway, you can either use her
relationships with us as doctors

to start a dialogue
and make things better,

or ignore me, stay pissed,
and you can all hold me down

at the parking lot tonight while
Barb here boot-stomps the face.

Taking a pretty long
time to think about it.

Got me there!

Look, that was
what was all gonna go down.

Look, I don't care if you had
to fake a secondary infection or,

claim he's allergic
to his medication.

Mr. Vaughn needs to be back
here in a bed, and you know it.

I got about the answer
I expected.

Get out!

No.

Actually, you know what?

Stay if you want to.

I'm going to get out
of this cage.

And I'm gonna go out
and see some patients.

No, you're not.
It's 7:00. Your day's over.

It's scary how easy it is to
become resigned to your latent life.

You just go about your business,
same as always.

Oh, here's the new personal director.

Nice office.
I just have to hang this.

That's why even the tiniest
change in a dynamic

can seem monumental.

Good night, Carla.
Good night, Elliot.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Did you do something good?
- I totally did.

Okay.
Take good care of him.

As for me, I was fine
with my new latent life.

Because I knew the payoff
would always outweight the cost.

Dr. Cox!

Look, I want to thank you for
listening to me about Mr. Vaughn.

Yeah.

Go to hell!

Or not...

# Swing low #

# Sweet chariot... #

Chariot...

# Comin' for #

# To carry me home #

Oh, hey, Dr. Ellis.
How's it going?

# Swing... #

# Low... #

# Sweet chariot... #

# Comin' for to carry me... #

# Home... #