Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 8, Episode 6 - My Cookie Pants - full transcript

J.D.: There's nothing worse than running into a sworn enemy
first thing in the morning.
Well, if that's the case, Fred, just put him on blood thinners.
Excuse me, Perry. You don't have a phone.
You're just holding your hand to your ear.
Fred, I got to go. He's gonna make me talk to him.
Sure, I'll pass it on.
Fred says you are a tool.
I got nothing. That's a good one.
Thank you.
Still no Chief of Medicine, huh?
You must love not having anybody around to make you toe the line.
It's pretty much a captain-less ship around here.
People showing up late, stealing supplies.
Basically doing whatever the hell they want.
Okay, as you can see, we've repaired the perforation.
Now all that's left to do is sew up the surrounding muscle tissue.
Are there any questions?
- I don't think you're doing this right. - Get out of here.
- All right. Let me just touch his heart. - Hey!
Bottom line, if we don't get a new boss in this place soon, it'll fall apart.
I'd pretend to care, but I don't have to.
- Here's my office. - Okay, fine,
you go ahead and have fun spending your golden years
at a depressing coffee chain, surrounded by...
I don't mean to cut you off, Perry. But I have to take this call.
Look at that, he brought it back.
Doctor.
Oh, now that can't be good.
J.D.: I was still trying to get my intern Jo
to be more sensitive with her patients.
Don't worry, Mr. Hapburn. A lot of people are afraid of needles.
I was only surprised because you're the first one I've come across
that doesn't have a vagina.
Did you know that guy was a priest?
I did. I'll see you tomorrow.
If you're not here, I'll just assume
that demons dragged you down to Hell to chew your face off.
J.D.: Now that I was dating Elliot again,
I finally had something to get home to.
- Hey. - Hi.
(PIANO KEYS PLAYING)
Why did you put my piano mat here?
I was here all by myself and I got a little freaked out,
so I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm.
(PIANO KEYS PLAYING)
That's catchy.
Cookies are done.
I baked a dozen for you and a dozen for me.
Now, I like to eat one and a half cookies every day
so that a dozen cookies lasts eight days.
Well, 10 days because I don't eat sugar on Wednesdays,
and on Sundays I call my mom,
and she asks what's wrong with my phone because I sound fat.
Anyway, I'm gonna go change. I brought my cookie pants.
Notice the loose waist to accommodate an expanding stomach.
I finished my dozen.
Why would you eat all of your cookies at once?
I mean, what did you think was gonna happen to them?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
TURK: Come to daddy.
Still pretty smoky.
Worth it.
So, he'd kill us?
I told Turk you were making cookies.
Plus he has a key to my place and Carla's out of town.
Elliot, with his diabetes,
it's the only time he gets to eat sweets.
I'm dating an idiot.
Yeah, but you knew what you were getting into.
(DOOR CREAKING)
(PIANO KEYS PLAYING)
J.D., someone's in the house.
Turk, get out of here!
(PIANO KE YS PLAYING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Pull that piano crap on me. Please.
MAN: (SINGING) I can't do this all on my own
No, I know
I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman
Morning, sleepy.
I got to go to work. I wish I had the day off, too.
Hey, do you realize that we've already been dating for a week,
but we still haven't had sex?
Yes, but you know what? We're not gonna rush this time.
We're just gonna go with the flow.
I think we should do it right now.
J. D? Why are you throwing your pants at me?
Because I got excited. Woohoo!
Well, you should be.
Because tonight when you get home, I'm going to be waiting here,
and it's gonna be the most amazing, crazy night you've ever had.
- Stop throwing dirty clothes at me! - Stop saying sexy things.
Can't wait for tonight.
- I really wish I hadn't done that. - Yeah, me, too.
J.D.: Mr. Lawton, one of my favorite patients, was back.
Unfortunately, Jo was his intern.
- Hi. - How's it going over here?
Well, young Dr. Mahoney was just observing that my heart disease was...
- What was that, sweetheart? - A giant buzzkill.
- Jo... - What?
I was on cloud nine this morning. Had a good night's sleep, hot shower,
big old pancake breakfast, then bang.
Chronic heart disease. Buzzkill.
Well, I'm sure Mr. Lawton feels horrible that his condition annoyed you.
- I doubt it. - She doubts it.
Okay, well, other than the abdominal discomfort, everything okay, sir?
Well, I'd feel better if this bed were a little more comfortable.
Here. Lean up. Lean up.
Thank you. And I'm sorry if I ruined your day.
- Yeah, we're cool. - Apparently, you guys are cool.
Yeah. Sure, I can come in then.
Thank you.
That was just the Board.
They're offering me the Chief of Medicine job.
- Shut up! - (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Do you know what this means?
That when I ask our nanny
how she manages to raise her own kid without a nanny,
I can hire a second nanny to listen to her boring answer.
Perry, look at yourself.
You don't get in your own way anymore.
Sweetie, I am so, so proud of you.
Thank you.
I'm feeling so open and vulnerable
that it's literally filling me up with rage and hatred, so I should go.
- Fair enough. All right. - Okay.
Say, I heard you and Barbie were back together again. How's that going?
J.D.: He doesn't care. Don't answer.
Is there less drama this time?
Hold firm.
Does it feel different?
Give him nothing.
Look at you not getting sucked in.
Maybe you are a little bit older and a little bit wiser,
enough for this whole thing to work out with Barbie this time.
- I really think I am... - Oh, my God.
How do you not get that I will never, ever care
about your pasty, white love life?
I only brought it up because I noticed
that Barbie wasn't here at work today, and I was hoping
that your relationship with her had already gone so far south
that you'd killed her and buried her deep in a wooded area,
and that soon you would be carted off
for the aforementioned crime of pasty, white passion.
Well, no such luck. She's just at home.
(GROANS) Carla, why won't you pick up? I need to talk!
I cannot believe that you leave the country
the week I get back together with J.D.
I feel like that's not a coincidence.
Wait. I didn't mean that.
I know that your aunt did not fall out of that balloon on purpose.
Anyway, I promised J.D. This crazy sex night,
and now I'm totally losing it.
I've been trying on lingerie, but nothing fits
because I ate an entire batch of cookie dough last night with a spatula.
Plus, at my last appointment, I got in a fight with my waxer,
and now there is a rash on my bajingo
that looks like a thousand tiny spider bites.
Damn it, Carla, I need tonight to be special
and you're not there for me, and I know what you're gonna say is that...
You're gonna say that you've always come through
and that sometimes I'm selfish, but even if that's true,
I don't need to hear your attitude right now
because I am sick of it. Do you hear me? Sick of it!
I love you. Call me.
What can I say? I just wish you were at home with her.
- You and me both. - That was an insult.
I know. I thought if I took it as a compliment,
it would drive you insane and you'd go away.
- (GRUNTS) Damn it! - DENISE: Hey, J.D.
Because of the abdominal discomfort,
I was thinking of ordering an endoscopy on Mr. Lawton. Yeah?
No, no, he had the same symptoms before.
It turned out it was just heartburn.
An endoscopy's a really painful, invasive procedure.
(LAUGHS) Who gives a crap?
I don't know, Jo. I think I do.
- Probably sounds crazy to you? - Not crazy, just a little weird.
Okay, no more sugarcoating. All right?
You will never be a good doctor
until you learn what it means to truly care for your patients.
And if I don't start seeing some changes soon,
you're gonna be out on your ass. All right?
There's your buzzkill. Go back to work.
J.D.: Careful. Keep your bad-ass doctor stare going in case she looks back.
Nailed it.
Bob, what are you doing up here? Are you sick?
No, I'm just taking a stroll. But thanks for your concern.
I'm not concerned. I meant to sound hopeful.
Let me try it again. Are you sick?
Perry, why are you hating this morning?
I just came up here because I heard
the Board offered you the Chief of Medicine.
- They did. It's a great opportunity. - It certainly is.
The minute I took that job, everything got bigger.
My office, my staff, my secretary's hooters.
They were a Christmas bonus. For both of us.
Still, I took the job to improve patient care,
but you spend most of your time dealing with bureaucratic garbage.
And what with the budget meetings
and addressing staff and patient complaints,
you barely have time for a life. And what is your reward?
Everybody in the hospital hates you. Yay! Anyway, Chief, congrats again.
Hey, with Carla and Izzy out of town,
must be nice to have the place to yourself for once, huh?
Dude, I can't answer that.
How many people here are spies and are ordered to report
everything I say back to Carla?
I should go.
I love my wife and I wanna be by her side at all times! All times!
You heard that, Rochelle?
(WHISPERING) Psst! Turk, come here.
- Elliot, are you sick? - No, I just don't have makeup on.
You look pretty.
- Turk, I need some help with J.D. - Okay.
You guys are back together. I get that, it's great.
You're a fit. I just don't wanna get caught in the middle again.
Well, you should've thought of that before you jacked all my cookies.
You're in.
- Stupid sweet tooth! - Okay.
Dr. Reid, when did you become homeless?
- These are just my cookie pants. - These are my muffin slacks.
Bam!
I've been rocking these bad boys since the day I retired.
Huh.
- Where's Mr. Lawton? - He's getting an endoscopy.
Jo, please tell me you didn't order that procedure
even though I told you not to.
Well, I did, so that kind of puts me in a pickle.
Okay, I am so angry right now,
I don't even know what to say. You got to give me a second.
J.D.: I knew exactly what to say, but the longer I waited,
the more I knew it would make her squirm.
See, there's a lot of things that can leave someone speechless.
How'd the meeting go, Chief? Is it official?
J.D.: It can be an answer you don't expect.
I didn't go. I don't want the job.
Just tell me this one thing and then I'll leave you alone.
J.D.: Or a question you wish you didn't know the answer to.
If you had to come up with the ultimate sexual experience for J.D.,
what would it be?
J.D.: For Jo, it was just gonna be a good, old-fashioned verbal beat-down.
I don't know who you think you are,
but I promise you, you are gonna regret this mistake for the rest of your...
Sorry to interrupt.
Great call ordering that endoscopy, Dr. Mahoney.
Mr. Lawton has stomach cancer.
J.D.: Yep. Speechless.
J.D.: Time to make things right.
Jo, I'm sorry.
I thought you were being callous with Mr. Lawton,
and you were just being thorough.
God, I'm a good apologizer.
From now on, I'm gonna stop riding you and let Jo be Jo. Sound good?
No. Sounds great.
Why would you apologize? What the hell is your problem?
(SCREAMS)
(CHUCKLES)
Reminds me of what my grandpa taught me when I was a boy.
He said, "Janitor, every time an angry woman storms out,
"another angry woman storms in."
What?
Get out of my way!
(CHUCKLES) That one's for you, Pop-Pop.
He's not dead. He's upstairs. Dying.
Excuse me. Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
What are you doing?
I'm introducing myself. Because, clearly,
anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
That pansy-assed little tattletale.
Bob, so help me God, you fix this, or I will grab you by your muffin top
and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out.
Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table
and made love to you right here.
And I would have loved it!
(GROWLS)
See, that is the kind of passion that I want tonight with J.D.,
but we've hooked up so much in the past,
I can't come up with anything new.
Ooh! What if I dripped hot candle wax on his chest?
No. Tina Two-Kids tried it and burned off his treasure trail.
Okay, okay. Let's just keep spit-balling. What if I strangle him a little?
No. J.D. Might like the idea of that,
but if he loses too much oxygen he'll get dizzy,
and then his Space Needle will become his space noodle.
- How do you even know that? - Elliot, I just do.
Matter of fact, I don't want to talk about this anymore, all right? I'm out.
Angry woman out.
Damn it!
Angry woman in.
You better not be making me one of your stupid Janitor jokes.
No, ma'am.
Angry woman out.
(SIGHS)
Hey, I'm glad I found you.
I need your approval to cut down some lollipop trees
- outside the Sea-Monkey hut. - What are you talking about?
These decisions have to go through you
because you're the Mayor of Crazytown.
Okay, I really don't need this right now.
Okay, fine, but you're supposed to be working,
so would you mind checking the patient in bed six for dementia?
This is bed six.
I know. I think you're crazy. It was a two-fer. Pow-pow.
You're aware I could kick your ass, right?
I'm sure I'd get in some slaps.
Look, I know I'm horrible with patients.
But I make one lucky call with Mr. Lawton's endoscopy
and now you're not gonna push me anymore to be better?
Okay, you're not the Mayor of Crazytown, you're the Emperor.
At least when you gave me crap I knew you were trying to help.
But now you're just giving up on me?
What do you care? You don't even listen to me.
What? I've been busting my ass trying to be more caring with the patients.
Remember when Mr. Lawton was uncomfortable?
Thank you, doctor.
- That must have been so hard for you. - Yeah, I'm still mad thinking about it.
- What's with the yarn? - I'm gonna use it later.
Oh, by the way, Jordan thinks I'm hot.
Yeah, she mentioned that before. It's disturbing.
Why aren't you taking the job, Perry?
You said it was a bureaucratic nightmare.
- And I don't want to be miserable. - You love being miserable.
- I don't want everyone to hate me. - Everybody already hates you.
You wanna know the real reason why you don't want the gig, champ?
- Because you're a fraidy-cat. - Beg your pardon?
Didn't you hear me? Are fraidy-cat's ears too tiny?
- Don't push me, Bob. - You're right. I'm sorry.
Would it make you feel any better to bat this around for a while?
(GROANS)
Yeah, I told you I was gonna use it later.
Do you know why I got into medicine?
I assumed there was some sort of flyer outside football practice.
(LAUGHS)
No. Look, I don't care that I'm not that feminine.
I still look rocking hot when I'm naked so I can get it whenever I want it.
- Okay, now that was feminine. - Shut up.
I became a doctor because I love the nuts and bolts of it all.
Like that woman over there? I am fascinated by the way
her heart pumps blood through her body like a machine.
The way her axons are covered in a thin layer of myelin,
like an insulated electrical wire.
But tell me to empathize with her, to be totally open and vulnerable?
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
No, I can't even do that with my own family, let alone a total stranger.
I'm not sure I can get past that.
What makes you think you're so special?
Every doctor in this place has flaws
they've been dealing with since they were a little kid.
Hell, the guy who taught me is constantly getting in his own way.
Who needs a promotion anyway?
I'm dating a girl who's always fighting her own neuroses.
(BANGING ON WINDOW)
Come on, Turk! Talk to me!
And you saw my biggest flaw in action today.
I was willing to let a patient I liked go without an endoscopy
because I wanted to spare him a painful procedure.
Sometimes I care a little too much.
Yeah, but that caring thing has a major upside.
And so does your cold, bitchy thing.
It'll protect you from letting all this stuff weigh you down.
Remember last Monday?
We spent that night watching a young father die of lung cancer.
- Do you remember his name? - No. Not even a little bit.
Jack Fremont.
Sometimes I still think about him and that is not a good thing.
(LAUGHS)
What?
You're so in touch with your emotions, and I can't really get to mine.
It's kind of like I'm the dude and you're the chick.
Not really getting that simile, Jo, but if it works for you, awesome.
So, now we know what my deal is. How you gonna fix it?
I'm not gonna fix anything. I got my own garbage.
You're gonna do this on your own.
You're a doctor.
Turk, come on. I'm desperate.
Elliot, Todd and I are in the middle of teaching our interns
how to do an appendectomy.
Please. You just cut it out and sew him up.
She's right, actually. Finish up.
Look, Carla always says that making love with you is perfect.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, she did. - Tell me what makes it so special.
I mean, she says that you even cry sometimes.
- Thank you for sharing. - That's okay, T-Dog,
if it doesn't hurt, you're not doing it right.
I just want things to be different with J.D. This time, to be better.
You wanna know what's so special about Carla and me?
That we don't have to try and make it special. Okay?
We're just connected.
If you want things to be different with J.D. This time around,
you're gonna have to give up all of that immature, neurotic over-thinking
and just be with each other.
- Todd, hit the button. - What button?
Much better.
ELLIOT: Turk!
(EXCLAIMS) That's not right.
So this is what fear feels like, huh?
It's kind of like being really drunk, only in a very sad way.
You're just loving watching me fall apart like this, huh?
More than comfy shoes and a warm place to crap.
- Yeah. - But you're gonna take this job.
Partly because you were meant to do it,
but mostly because, if you don't, I will always remind you
that you are a sac-less little fraidy-cat.
Why in the hell did you try to talk me out of it?
I had to tell you the truth to prepare you.
If I'd fluffed it up, you would have tortured me forever.
So you really think I'm the man for the job?
Who the hell do you think recommended you?
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Oh, God, no. - What?
You don't really think we're becoming friends, do you?
Good Lord. I hope not.
(COX GROANS)
You wanna come over for a brewski tomorrow
and check out my hobby shop?
- Too fast, Bob. - Yeah, I knew when I said it.
Oh, good. You're done with your quiet time.
Look, the nurse said that Mr. Lawton's having
a bit of a breakdown about his cancer.
I want you to go over there and help him through it.
You really want me talking to him?
- Lf he cries, I'm gonna hit him. - Don't mess it up.
Okay.
J.D.: I knew I couldn't fix Jo, but I could still give her a push.
Because sometimes that's all people need to deal with their fatal flaw.
Well, I'm the new Chief.
(EXCLAIMS)
What the hell is happening?
Still too soon?
Way too soon, Bob.
J.D.: And even if some people can only take a baby step...
I can't imagine what it's like to have cancer,
but I bet it sucks.
It totally sucks.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'll get through it.
J.D.: Others might finally be able to stop trying so hard
and just let the moment happen.
Wow. You look amazing.
Even in cookie pants?
Especially in cookie pants.
(ELLIOT CHUCKLES)
That one's for you, Pop-Pop.
He's not dead. He's upstairs. Dying.
- J.D.: Is he a patient here? - Yeah. He's in the psych ward.
He says he's an owl, but I can't believe a word he hoots.
That one's for you, Grandpa.
He's not dead. He's on the roof.
J.D.: Why on the roof?
He thinks he's a mountain lion.
Just like my granddad taught me when I was a boy.