Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 7 - His Story IV - full transcript

Everyone had gathered because today

was Carla's first day back
since she had the baby.

She's coming! This is not a drill!
Repeat, this is not a drill!

Remember, one group says,
"Welcome," one group says, "Back,"

one group says, "Carla. "
Okay, get ready. Let's go!

Elliot?

Fine, it was a drill,
but I just want us to be ready.

You gotta be kidding me!

- Hey, everyone!
- Okay, let's hear it!

Back! Carla! Back!

Damn it, people!



- It's okay, baby.
- No, it's not okay.

One more time. Go!

Hey, everyone.

Welcome! Back! Pickle!

Who the hell came up with "pickle"?

I did. If you call Carla "pickle,"
then I can call Isabella "little gherkin. "

I need this.

Done.

Actually, babe,
I'm just heading back home.

It turns out my maternity leave
doesn't end until next week.

Pickle, I'm sorry.

What is all this fuss about
Nurse Turkleton returning?

She's only been gone six days.

She's been gone six weeks, Bobbo,
but wait, before I make you look like



a complete idiot, we'd all like to thank
you for setting up the new employee

- discount at the coffee dump. Gang?
- Cheers!

Pickle!

Stop. If it had taken any effort,
I wouldn't have done it,

and I mean that. I really do.

And back to insulting you!
She's been gone six weeks, Bobbo.

The six days that you were referring to
are the six days that you actually

worked this month.

Dr Cox was right. This year
Dr Kelso had gotten a little lazy.

There was the way
he handled requests.

Thanks, I'll look into it.

Or how he found a way to eliminate
any face time with the patients.

- Welcome to Sacred Heart, Mr...
- Hartely.

I'm Chief of Medicine, Dr Bob Kelso.
I see you're here for a...

Vasectomy.

Enjoy your stay here.

Ted, you half-wit!
Don't forget the tape.

How does he always know?

He didn't even bother to learn
the new interns' names.

Listen up, faces.
In order to save us all some time,

I will call all the males "Daves"
and all the females "Debbies. "

Debbie is actually my name.

Then, out of fairness to the others,
you will be Slagathor.

Daves, Debbies, Slagathor,
I will be in my office.

If you need anything,
feel free to bother Dorian.

I always wondered
what he did in his office all day.

Human Magic 8 Ball, tell me
if I should play golf this weekend.

I am a lawyer!

I said, "Should I play golf?"

Ask again later!

Why would I say that?

My daydreams are crazy.

Oh, dizzy...

Since Elliot bought a house,
I had to look for a place to live.

Time to get out of my head
and into an apartment.

Hey, Dr Kelso.

I actually don't mind
that goofy bastard.

If he were gay,
he'd be perfect for my son.

Harrison's been looking for
a new power bottom.

All my little worker bees,
buzzing about. Buzz, buzz.

I love making that sound. Buzz.
Dr Reid.

Ever since she quit the hospital
for private practise,

you've pretended she's invisible,
so don't break stride.

Ker-blam-o!

Hey!

Skiddle-a-dee, skiddle-a-doo.

Dr Kelso.

Well, if it isn't Nurse Buzz-kill.

Good morning, Nurse Roberts.

Carla's gone another week.
We need a substitute head nurse.

Laverne, from now on, if you need
something, just take care of it yourself.

In fact, all of you should hear this.

I believe it was Robin Zander
of Cheap Trick who said,

"I want you to want me. "

Well, if I sang that song, it would go,
"I don't want you to want me. "

Skiddle-a-dee, skiddle-a-doo.

Time to visit my one random patient
of the day, and then it's off to the office

and hello, nappy-nap.

Brian Dancer, has hydrocephalus.
Okay, turn on the down-home crapola.

Hey, there, young fella.
How the heck are you? Bob Kelso here.

I understand that
since your head wound

you've had some
short-term memory loss.

Head wound?

Nah, I'm just kiddin', Dr...

Ah, see, now I'm embarrassed,
because that one's real.

It doesn't matter, son.

Bob Kelso, write it down, damn it!

So, I see you're in the service.

Yes, sir. Private Brian Dancer.

Private Dancer? Tough name.

You must have had your share
of beat-downs.

How did you hurt your noggin?

An I.E.D. got our transport vehicle.

I accidentally left a couple chunks
of my skull in Baghdad.

Iraq? You know how controversial
that topic is, Bob.

Quick, change the subject.

So, Pluto's not a planet any more.
What's up with that?

Well played, Bobby.

Lord knows you've seen
these hot-button topics before.

Oh, please, Laverne,
"global warming"?

Here's an inconvenient truth for you,
nobody cares.

So, you think it's okay
to just kill animals for sport?

If it serves a useful purpose, yes, I do.

Salt?

Cracked black pepper?

Thank you, Bingo.

Well, I'll check on you later, son.

Yep, Iraq is just the type of divisive
subject that would spread around

this damn hospital like wildfire.

Poor kid. His head's blown off,
and all for nothing.

"All for nothing"?

My nephew Lance is over there fighting
to give those people democracy.

Oh, so that's why we're over there,

and here I thought it was
to root out terrorists.

Or was it for the oil? Or for
Mama Hussein's secret falafel recipe?

It got so gosh darn hard to keep track.

Dude, I hear they have laws that make
women completely cover their bodies

when they're out in public.

The war in Iraq?
Try the war to see rack.

Don't you get it, Turk?
All the terrorists want to do is kill you.

They want to kill you.

Elliot, if you...

Kill you.

You guys,
in case I find an apartment I like,

I need someone to write
a reference for me.

J.D., we're in the middle of something.

Elliot, the only good that's come from
our occupation of Iraq is exposing

the neo-conservative conspiracy
to perpetuate American cultural

and economic imperialism.

What do you think, J. D?

Can you excuse me a second?

Did you break our pact
and start reading the newspaper?

Carla's making me.
Normally, I wouldn't go near the thing,

except for the funnies.

Well, of course the funnies.
The funnies don't count.

By the way,
did you read Marmaduke today?

Can you believe he gave
the pizza delivery guy a bone as a tip?

No, but that's what's great
about Marmaduke.

He's always thinkin' on his feet.

I think you mean paws.

Keep it real.

Well, J. D? The war?

I don't have time for this, Elliot.
I have to find an apartment.

If you get a chance,
read The Boondocks.

Man, that little kid hates honkeys.

Who doesn't?

Typical Dorian, running away from
an argument you know nothing about.

I know all about the war.

Really? Point to Iraq.

Why do you keep a globe
on your janitor cart?

In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint.
It's not the country shaped like a boot.

That's Iraq.

- That's China.
- You're China.

That's an outrageous accusation.

Needs salt.
Where's my bunny? Bingo?

So, this is a picture of my unit after
we secured a bridge outside of...

Fallujah. And, oh, here's my unit
when we're playing poker.

And... Whoa,
this is a picture of my unit.

I was gonna send it to my girlfriend,
but she broke up with me.

Well, send it to her anyway.
She should know what she's missing.

Sir?

I like this kid, he gets me.

You know, I was in the Navy.

It's important to remember
the good men that you served with.

That's why I carry around
a little reminder of my buddy Johnny.

- Would you like to see it?
- Sure.

Fantastic!

And Johnny's got a tattoo
on the same cheek that says "Bobby. "

He probably doesn't regret that at all.

No, you just can't find
that kind of bond in civilian life,

although I've often wondered

what my life would be like
if I'd stayed in the service.

I would have asked to be stationed
in Southeast Asia, for the food.

You can crack wise all you want,

but our boys over there are doing
the Lord's work.

And when you say "Lord,"
you mean Halliburton, right?

Okay, who here thinks that democracy
is worth fighting for?

- Me! I do!
- Hear!

Who here thinks we were manipulated
by false claims of WMDs?

- Hear, hear!
- Right!

Yeah!

Neat. Everyone's already sitting
on the appropriate side.

Ted, what do you think?

I think both sides have valid points.

Way to take a stance, Sweatballs.

No, you liberals are right
and every American agrees with you.

That's why John Kerry and Al Gore
both won in landslides.

Oh, my God!
Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you?

You know what? I don't need to be
ashamed of this any more.

Yes. I'm a Republican.

Me, too!

Me, too!

Elliot... Me, too.

President Reagan should be
on the $ 1 bill.

Oh, God, that's hot.

What do you think about Hillary?

- I hate that bitch.
- Oh!

Hot dog! 2: 15, time to vamoose.

Heck of a time talking to
young Private Dancer, though.

"You've seen your share
of private dancers, haven't you, kid?"

"Sure have, Bob. Sure have. "

What is it, Slagathor?

Dr Kelso,
I have a patient who has a mild fever,

but I don't know who to talk to
because everyone's arguing.

Slaggy,
if you want to get people's attention,

you gotta get more aggressive
or more attractive. Pick one.

I should keep an eye on that.

See, a hospital is a complex machine,

and when a divisive issue
rears its head,

balls can be dropped.

And the ones who end up
suffering the most

are the ones we're here to protect.

Good morning, Private Dancer.

Son?

Get Respiratory for a blood gas
and set up for a lumbar puncture!

He's stable.

Whose fault is this?

- Well, I believe that I was actually...
- If you ask me,

her kind of medical care
is the same as her...

They need a leader, Bob.
Give them one.

That's enough.

I said that's enough!

Just a second
on the yelling there, Bob.

Do you think you can actually be
an absentee Chief of Medicine

and still matter? Let me see if I can
make this real clear for you.

If this hospital were a human body,
you'd be the appendix,

because at one time
you served some function,

but it was so long ago nobody's
quite sure what that was any more.

Excuse us,
we're gonna talk it out over here.

It is, it's the exact same thing
as what's happening in Baghdad...

Well, you got what you asked for, Bob.
They don't need you.

Hey, son. How you doing?

Well, even though no one ever comes
every time I hit this nurses' button,

- I feel a little better.
- That's morphine.

That explains it.
Hey, thanks for checking in on me.

You're a lot like my sergeant,
Sergeant Borden.

He was hands-on, too.

Always trying to be in the game.

That's how you get people
around here to listen to you, Bob.

Be like this kid's sergeant
and get back in the game,

right after you follow that cupcake.

If she puts it down for even a second,
it's yours.

No, now, damn it.

Hey, buddy, you find an apartment yet?

No, man, I feel like an idiot,

so I've been reading up on this
whole Iraq war situation.

You know what's so messed up?

I just got to the point
where President Bush

gave his "mission accomplished"
speech on a battleship

and I still got, like,
400 more pages to go.

Hey, I gotta go.

All right, listen up, people.
I am here to roll up my sleeves

and put an end to all this nonsense,
so we can get back to work.

We are working.
You see, even though we all currently

despise each other,
we're professionals.

For example, I can lend Barbie a hand,

despite the fact that she is a heartless,

red state-supporting, NRA-backing,
illegal immigrant-hating, self-righteous,

misinformed dope. Essentially,
Karl Rove with smaller boobs.

And I can help out Dr Cox,

even though I'd rather punch him in his
piss-on-the-government-

until-Jabarah's-crop-dusting-
my-condo-with-anthrax-

NPR-listening Al Franken face.

You know, if you're really serious
about helpin' out, I could use a hand

with my to-do list.
I need to clean the toilets...

I'm just tired of staring at that.
Goodbye.

I need to TiVo
Crossing Over with John Edward.

I need to turn a cat into a spice rack,
and I need to return this thing

to the patient in 307. All doable.
Don't need you, thanks.

So, nobody needs any help?

When is your wife
coming back to work?

I'm drowning here
without a head nurse.

Okay, ladies, I've posted
your room assignments on the board

and will pass out the new weekly
schedules before your shifts are over.

Being a nurse isn't so bad.

What did you think it would be like?

We're losing him!

B.P.'s falling.

Nurse Kelso,
I need one milligram of epi, stat!

Now, nurse! Now!

Way to go, Bob, way to go. Attaboy!

I'm sorry, what was the question?

Jumbo latte for Dr Reid,
with the employee discount.

- Yay!
- Yeah!

Employee discount.

- Yay!
- Yeah!

Huh. Neat.

Would you like to see something else
that's really neat?

Check out today's quote
right on your cup.

"'I enjoy laughing at poor people,'
Elliot Reid, April, 2006."

When I said that,
I was watching Good Times.

Well, that's gonna be on
every jumbo cup for a month,

courtesy of my anti-war peeps.

Can I get a, "Hell, yeah!"?

- Hell, yeah!
- Hell, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Typical lame liberal tactic, taking
something out of context in order to

defame someone's integrity. Am I right,
my "pro-war" amigos? Holla!

Yeah!

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!

Gosh, there seems to be a lot of
high-volume,

over-enthusiastic opinion sharing
going on today.

I think I'll join in.

Employee discount!

Oh, yeah!

Okay, I've... I've seen enough.

Right behind you.

Consider that a little gift from Nurse
Roberts' nephew, Corporal Roberts.

Hell, yeah.

Okay, Janice, I'm going to need you to
make sure Mr Jeffords gets his meds.

And FYI, don't lean over him,
he's handsy.

And, Bernice,
could you do me a major large

and cover Jessica's shift this weekend?

I have to have a Pap smear.

Have you seen Georgina lately? She
looks like she's been eating for two.

- Oh, stop it.
- You stop it.

Oh, Nurse Kelso,
purple's not your colour.

Listen, could you go down to
housekeeping and maybe send up

some fresh scrubs for me?
And come here.

Please put on a bra, you're distracting
some of the other doctors.

Let him joke.
You look spiffy and you're doing great.

Why'd he tell me to give meds
to Mr Jeffords?

I did that five minutes ago.

Girl, just humour him.
He'll be out of here eventually.

Private, I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

That you were never in the Navy
and Johnny's your husband?

If only.

I love you, Johnny.

Your fighting in that war has provoked

some pretty heated arguments
amongst the staff.

See, the thing is, they think they can
just put their squabbles in a box

and it won't affect their work,
but they're wrong.

I mean, judging from the coffee stains
on Dr Cox's scrubs

and the quote on this coffee cup
attributed to Dr Reid...

"'My bajingo's on fire. ' May, 2004."

What's a bajingo?

Eventually, a page is gonna go
unreturned or a test isn't gonna get run

as quickly as it should have been,

and some nice kid like yourself's
gonna pay the price.

And what bothers me about it is that
I know this is going on,

but there's nothing
I can do to change it.

Why not?

Let's just say that around here
I'm not as loved as your sergeant was.

We hated Sergeant Borden.

Come again?

Yeah, he demeaned us,
overworked us...

Still, maybe sometimes that's what
being a good leader is,

uniting everybody
by giving them someone to hate.

All right, listen up, gang.
I'm only going to say this once.

All right, Bob, time to bring it home.

From this point on, there will be
no more employee discounts here.

Everyone pays full price.
Except for me, of course.

Where's my jumbo latte?

You mind tellin' us why?

Why the hell not?

That oughta do it.

I can't believe him!

How 'bout these guys?

Why the hell...

Why would you have given it to us
in the first place?

Since I'd spent the whole afternoon
researching the war in Iraq,

I couldn't wait to dive
right into the spirited debate.

What a jackass!

Come on, no one wants
to debate Iraq with me?

I'll debate Iraq with you.

Prepare to be dazzled.

Okay. In my opinion,

we should be looking
for Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Do you have that globe nearby?

In life, it seems,
we all have a role to play.

Some of us are meant to be loved,

and some of us, unfortunately,
are meant to be hated.

Good night, minions, Slagathor.

For Dr Kelso,
he wouldn't have it any other way.