Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 2 - My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby - full transcript

J.D. and Kim start contemplating about their future and their baby's future.

You're a fatty fatty fatty...

What's your son doing?

Apparently, he's doing
the "fatty" dance.


Well, maybe, but I'm raising my son
to be a straight shooter.

- That's his mom right over there.
- Oh, thanks for including me.

Dr Cox and Jordan weren't
the only ones with kid troubles.

My brand-new girlfriend was pregnant,

and we were trying to
decide what to do.

- Should we keep it or get rid of it?
- I don't know.

If we keep it,
it'll just end up in the dumpster.

Okay, enough pizza talk.
I mean, we're clearly stalling here.

- You're right.
- So let's go. Do you like kids?

Of course I do. What about you?
Any nieces or nephews?

Yeah, I have a nephew,
although he's 45.

But occasionally,
I do have to change his diaper.

- He was kicked by a horse.
- Oh, no.

Yeah. Now, how do you feel
about adoption?

So, beautiful, I hope you
keep some ice in this locket

'cause you're making me hot all over.

Actually, it's the only picture I have
of my biological father.

- Do you want to see it?
- What? Oh, sure.

I'll take a look at it
first thing tomorrow morning, huh?

Yeah, I'm not a big fan of adoption.

- You think if it's a girl you'd doink her?
- I know I will.

Yup. All right. Well, look, we don't need
to make this decision tonight, right?

- I mean, plenty of time...
- I'm totally fine with stalling.

Great, because if I hear the word
"baby" one more time,

I'm gonna lose it!

Dude, Carla's in labour!
Meet me at the apartment!

Go, go, go!

- Is he coming? Is he coming?
- Turk, she's barely in labour.

Oh, he's not talking about the baby.

He's here,
and now we can have our baby!

Okay, Brown Bear,
commence Operation Brown Cub.

- Suitcase.
- Check.

- Stylish big daddy hat.
- Check.

- Big-time collegiate drum line.
- Check.

I want the whole world to know
my baby's having a baby!

Maybe we should just take your car.

Okay, ladies, we're here. Calm down.

What the hell took you so long?
Oh, my God. Did you stop for food?

We had to, honey. J.D. promised
the band that we'd feed them.

Yeah, let me get 23 cheeseburgers,
23 milkshakes...

Miguel, if you don't stop drumming,
you're not getting fries.

Twenty-three... You know what?
Twenty-two fries.

Twenty-two fries.
You didn't think I'd do it, did you?

Miguel has such raw talent, but his
attitude keeps getting in the way.

Yay, congratulations, whoopee.
All right, see you.

We are so happy for you.

He's so sweet.

You put one of those inside me.
What are we going to do?

Turk, you brought my suitcase, right?

Of course I have your suitcase, honey.

What are you doing?

Sometimes, when you need a miracle,
you have to pray extra, extra hard.

- You wanna help me out?
- Fo' shizzle.

Please, Lord...


Baby, changed my mind.

- I don't have your suitcase.
- Turk, what the hell?

It's okay, it's okay, Carla, because
I packed you an extra overnight bag,

and you're all checked in
and I got you an orderly

to take you to your room.

Yeah, I'm only
four months pregnant, ace.

Yeah, I think you're looking for me.

Move it along before I eat you!

Sorry, Jack, the machine's broken.

Looks like you're gonna have to guzzle
your juice down without any ice.

- Pretend... You know, pretend it's gin.
- What's gin?

Gin is an alcoholic beverage,

which, if your mommy's strong genes
are any indication,

you'll eventually learn to love
as it slowly destroys

a giant portion of your adult life.

First the fat lady, now this?

He's three, Perry.
Do you have to be so blunt with him?

I'm not gonna BS my own kid.
What's the big deal?

Hiya, sport!

- Your skin is wrinkly.
- Yeah?

Well, that shirt you're wearing is gay.

Hey, baby, I know things haven't
exactly gone smoothly so far,

but I promise you
I'm about to make it up to you.

I spent all weekend
talking to my cousin,

who just so happens to be
the world's biggest blerd.

That's a black nerd.

Anyway, he taught me everything
about streaming video

and now, thanks to me,
your sisters in Chicago

will be able to witness the birth
of our child live via webcam.

- Turk, that's so sweet.
- You know, I do what I do.

All we gotta do is
wait for the cameraman to get here.


No man's gonna be filming my pooter
unless he's completely asexual.

- Hello!
- Oh, hey, Ted. Cool.

All right, I'm gonna go tell your sisters
that this bad boy is about to pop off.

All right, Carla,
let's check how dilated you are.

Looking real good, Carla.
Okay, we're live in three, two, one...

Okay, looks like you're at
about three centimetres.

Greatest show ever.

And record.

Cool, Swamp Thing.

What's that, Daddy?

Oh, that's the vagina
of a 35-year-old Latina woman.


What the...

J.D., we have to talk about
all of our pregnancy options,

even if they make us uncomfortable.

There's one way of dealing with this
that no one's mentioned yet.

- The "A" word.
- I know.

- Abortion.
- Appletinis.


I thought that we could discuss
abortion over Appletinis.

Did somebody just say "abortion"?

Laverne, with all due respect, this is
none of your business or Jesus'.

I believe he would beg to differ.

She's right, J.D. Every life is precious.

But what if having this baby
is a huge mistake for us?

Okay, I'm gonna make this real simple.
No abortions, okay?

- But what if...
- No abortions.

Let me finish.

What if the parents were,
like, abusive drug-addicts

who would neglect their kid?

Oh, well, in that case, it'd be okay.

- Really?
- No abortions!

How are you not getting this?

This sucks.

I mean, the hardest decision
I've had to make in the last year

was what hairstyle to get,

and even then all I did
was open up an Us Magazine,

close my eyes
and pick a random celebrity.

- Kirsten Dunst?
- Owen Wilson. Yeah.

You know what's making this so hard?

This relationship is so new,
we can't tell

if we have a chance
of making this work long-term.

You know what might
give us an inkling?

We haven't technically had sex yet.

That might help us find out
if we're on the same page, you know,

- in the boudoir.
- Are you hitting on me?

- I'm sorry. I'm being an idiot, aren't I?
- No. Clothes off, we're doing it.


All right,
we are definitely sexually compatible.

I'm putting that down in the pro
"let's have a baby" category.

That's exactly what we should do.

We should make
a list of pros and cons.

What did you two just do?

Because I sure don't see
any wedding rings!

Laverne, is this your Jesus?

Turk, I got your shift covered
so you could hang here.

Oh, and Carla, there's something
I wanted to tell you.

Great vagina.

- So helpful!
- Don't take it out on The Todd.

He was just giving me a compliment.

- Thank you, Todd.
- Hey, happy to say it.

So, what's next, Turk?

Because so far
I'm half-deaf from a drum line,

I have no suitcase,
and the entire hospital has seen

Ms Priscilla.

I named her
after my high school art teacher.

Oh, my God, so did I!

Mr Hebler. "It's nice to meet you. "

Okay, let me just read
the last of the cons.

We're not married, we're both
totally focused on our careers,

babies are known to be sticky,
and the average cost of raising a child

is $400,000.

Okay. Here are the final pros.

Kids are great,
we both make good money,

your boobs will get huge,

I can finally buy Beanie Babies
without feeling weird,

and kids are great...

- Which you already said.
... tax deductions.

- Oh, yeah, awesome.
- Oh, nice one.

- All right, so then what's the final tally?
- Nice. Let's see.

That's 20 cons and 19 pros.

- I guess we gotta abort.
- Yup.

Wait, I'm sorry.
That's an eyelash, I made a wish.

- It's a tie. Abortion's off.
- Okay.

So now what?

Every couple
has its share of problems.

Congrats, Perry. My son just asked me

if my vagina
had ever been on television.

And did you tell him
not since the late '80s

when you were trying to
make it as an "actress"?

Whether it's someone digging in...

Will you just cut the crap
and stop treating your son

like he's your drinking buddy?

Jordan, I'm not going to change
who I am, all right?

End of story. Jackie.

Or someone's stealing your thunder...

Okay, candles are all lit,
lavender-scented, your favourite.

And here's a picture of your mom
to watch over you.

And then I got this kit in case
you want to bronze the umbilical cord

and use it as a key chain.
I practised at home on some calamari.

Elliot, you're amazing.

Well, is there anything
I can do to help?

Elliot's got everything covered.

Still, nothing's worse than
facing the biggest decision of your life

and not getting anywhere.

Don't you wish it was this easy?
Heads yes, tails no.

You don't see that every day.

You know what?
We're getting nowhere.

Let's split up for an hour
and do some soul-searching.

- Where are you going?
- I was just gonna walk around.

Why, where do you go
when you soul-search?

All right, Justin,
what should my speciality be?

Oncology or radiology?

I go someplace wonderful.

Anyway, I was thinking we need
new table linens for the dining room.

Well, not so much table linens
as place mats.

What do you think's prettier,
burgundy or mauve?

- What the hell's with her?
- She's mad,

but she can't give me
the silent treatment

because she knows
I'd actually love that.

So she's giving me talk-until-I-want-to-
commit-suicide treatment.

- Sucks to be you.
- You have no idea.

What else do I need for that?
Oh, I need new pillow shams

and I like cotton, but I think
we should get a cotton blend

because that's easier to clean
and I hate ironing.

Maybe we need a new housekeeper.

Maybe the housekeeper should come
every single day now.

Look, Elliot, I'm really trying to be
involved in the birth of my child,

but you just keep boxing me out.

That is not true. Now, out of my way,

I've gotta order
the birth announcements,

put in the car seat
and find a yard to bury the placenta...

Oh, my God, I'm a monster.
Turk, I am so sorry.

- I just love babies so much.
- It's true.

Sometimes she makes me
wear a diaper.

Keith, private!

- So, what is Elliot's plan?
- Oh, it's really simple.

See, when Carla says, "I'm thirsty,"

Elliot'll say,
"Oh, no, I forgot the ice chips. "

That's when I walk in, ice in hand,

and I say,
"Christopher Turk, at your cervix. "

Should I have a baby, too?

You know,
I'm a little preoccupied right now.

- Why don't you ask your unicorn?
- This is way over Justin's head.

He's never even been in love.
Not real love, anyway.

What's up with the ice?

I don't know what to do.

I mean, having a baby can
completely ruin your life, you know?

Not to mention, as a urologist,

I have seen what childbirth can
do to you down there.

I mean, I examined
this one woman last month

and it was like, "Hello, hello, hello... "

Not a good time, Kim.

- Oh, God, I'm thirsty.
- Really?

Unfortunately, I forgot the ice chips.

Ice chips!

- Dude, help. I'm totally stuck.
- Why don't you just yank it out?

I would not do that.

That's how it happened!

Ice chips, ice chips,
ice-ice chips-chips!

Hey, guys.

Carla, let me just see
how far you can reach here.

Okay, perfect.

Turk would like you to call him
because he's stuck in an ice machine.


See, that's why I took the precaution.

Kim, would you be a sweetie
and give Turk a call for me?

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, baby, look, I...
Yeah, he's right here.

- Hold on. She won't talk to me.
- Hi.

Yes, I know,
he missed your wedding, too.

All right, hold on.

- That was from her, not me.
- Go.

Relax, I'll have him out in one second.

All right, now hold still.
Nobody likes a jagged stump.


He's being unreasonable. Okay.

That was from me.

- Hey, there.
- Hey.

So, have you decided
what you want to do?

You know what? Neither one of us
should have to go first.

How about, on the count of three,

we both say
what we think we should do?

- Okay.
- One, two, three...

- I got nothing.
- Appletinis.

So, you guys gonna keep it?

- There's a lot to...
- Maybe, but if we do, we can...

- Because...
- Then we can...

- Probably.
- Maybe not.

You know, I had an abortion.

All right, Jackie. As promised,

let's go find ourselves
a little stethoscope

so you can hear
what your butt sounds like.

- Daddy, what's an abortion?
- Enjoy.

My mommy had an abortion!

My mommy had an abortion!
My mommy had an abortion!

- My mommy had an abortion.
- How you doing?

Okay, Janitor,
Carla's starting to push. Tell Turk.

Got it. Your baby has a tail.

I told her to stay away
from the microwave.

- Elliot, I can't do it!
- Okay, okay, I want you to imagine

that your uterus is
like a tube of toothpaste

and you're just trying to squeeze out

all that minty-fresh gel,
but instead of minty-fresh gel inside,

there's a little black baby.

We have a prolapsed umbilical cord.
She needs a C-section, right now.

- Put Turk on the phone, damn it!
- It's okay.

Baby, listen.
I'm not angry that you got stuck.

I know you were just trying to be nice
because you're a good-hearted,

wonderful, thoughtful man,
but listen to me.

They're giving me a C-section,
and I'm really scared

and I need you to be here right now.

Something about a C-section. Smile.

- Almost there?
- Almost there.

- Baby! I'm here!
- Turk, I'm scared!

- Sorry, Dr Turk, no ice machines.
- No!

I was 19 and working in Nantucket
as a waitress

and dating this amazing guy
named Andy.

Curly blond hair and dimples

and eyes that were either sky blue,
powder blue,

I could never figure out which.

Anyway, his best friend, Curt,
knocked me up.

Don't look at me like that.
That was the first guy

- I had ever slept with.
- Oh, we're not judging you.


I think about it from time to time,

but it would have been
the biggest mistake to have that baby.

We've talked, we've made lists,

and we've been as logical
as we can here,

and we've still got nothing.

It's not a logical decision.
If it's right, you'll feel it in your heart.

Yeah, but what if
we don't feel anything?

Maybe that's your answer.

Carla's having a C-section.

Jordan, you okay?

- My mommy had an abortion.
- She sure did, sweetie.

How are my boys?

What's going on?

- They're about to start.
- Turkleton!

If you are trying to get
the same $5 million settlement

that damn hook-handed
security guard got,

you're out of luck, stud,
'cause I put a release button

right here on top.

Well, what are you waiting for, son?
Get in there.

- How you doing, beautiful?
- Turk, you're here.

I'm so hot.

Don't sweat it. I got you.

Guys, I have an announcement.

Miguel, please!

The baby's out, but the cord was
wrapped around its neck,

so we had to take it to the NICU.

They say you never realise
your capacity to love

until you have a child.
It can change who you are.

Where do babies come from?

Where do babies come from? Well...

When a mommy and a daddy
love each other very, very much,

sometimes they close their eyes
and they make a wish.

It can fill you with joy.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to introduce you

to Isabella Turk.

I'm a daddy! I'm a daddy!

It can even give your heart

the answer you thought
you'd never find.

Let's do this.