Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 9 - My Malpractical Decision - full transcript

Hey, J.D.

Just prepping Mr Hovey
for brain surgery.

Mr Hovey's having rotator cuff surgery.

What'd you do to my hair?

- Nothing.
- Cool half-fro.

- What?!
- Uh-oh!

Oh, thank God.

Good thing he couldn't go left.

Last thing you need is
someone flyin' off the handle.

Shore it up. Neena Broderick's
in the building.

We're all going to die!



As tactless as it was to yell that
in a room full of very sick people,

Ted had a point.

Neena Broderick is the scariest
malpractice attorney in the city.

She seemed to create problems
where there were none.

Grandma was 102.
It was her time to go.

You killed her,
and you're gonna pay for it!

Shape this place up,

and for God's sakes,
get Murphy outta here.

- Don't worry. You're a good doctor.
- I know.

Hey, what did I do?

Hurry!

Hey, guys. Guys?

How long do I have to stay up here?

Just until I finish pretending
to read the newspaper.



Apparently there was some sort
of election held recently.

Or we could just ask him to leave.

Come on, Doug.
Let's go get some coffee.

- Miss Broderick.
- Bob.

Oh, hi, Ted.
How's your wife doing?

Oh, that's right. I forgot.
You freeze up around me. OK.

Well, I'll see you in court on the 18th.

Ted's possum-like
defence mechanism was brilliant.

Hello, Neena.
We got divorced, actually.

I'll see you in court on the 18th!

Everybody had the sense
to stay under the radar

when Neena Broderick was around.
Well, almost everybody.

I'm on a scavenger hunt,

and I need to find a black-haired,
soulless bottom feeder.

- Oh. Hi, Neena.
- How ironic.

What I need is a burned-out,
permed-up doctor

with a God complex
and drinking problem.

Don't listen. Most guys
would kill for those curls.

Straighten up, Newbie. I mean that
in every sense of the word.

- This woman is pure molten evil.
- Got it.

How do you look at yourself
in the mirror

knowing you are ruining
American medicine?

Frivolous lawsuits scare prospective...

Don't you even feel the least bit...

If you want me to shed a tear
about the status of our medical system,

I'll borrow a scalpel and dig it into
my arm because here's a secret...

I don't care about anything you think.

J.D., big news. Guess what
my new cell phone number spells.

Why'd you get a new number?
Your old one spelled "kfnmpah."

Well, this one's 9-1-6 "Call Turk."
Now all you gotta do is call Turk.

How am I supposed to remember that?
Stick with "kfnmpah."

It's the best thing that's happened
besides getting married.

- She's not here.
- The best thing that's happened!

"Call Turk" is eight numbers.

Actually, it's just "call Tur."

But I'm hoping people
will dial the "k" anyway.

I'll always dial the "k" for you.

You're a good friend,
and that's why I did this for you.

No, wait. There's more.

Awesome.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not over yet.

So you're the one.

Come here, you big brown bear.

Just like that,
it turned into a great day.

- I'll take the lead on this one.
- He's all yours.

- Mr Steel, first name "man of."
- You're done. Mr Steel, you passed out.

We're gonna watch you closely
for arrhythmia.

We don't foresee any big problems.

Hi, Daddy.

I gotta go.

If I'm around that sea hag
for more than ten seconds,

my throat closes up.
Page me if you need me.

Need you?
Perry, please, I got this one.

Are you Dr Dorian?

She was all over me.

I have a few questions about my father.

Your father has syncopy in...

Per. I'm back in.
You see, Neena,

the heart is like
a big, inflatable house.

On the bottom floor
are these two rooms,

or ventricles. Now,
these ventricles or "rooms..."

Syncopy in severe LV systolic
dysfunction is a risk of arrhythmia.

Best action'd be
an implantable defibrillator.

I'm a medical malpractice attorney,
and I am much,

much smarter than you.

They're like rooms.

OK, missy, knowing damn sure that
you'll sue us if the slightest thing

should go wrong
with this elective procedure,

we're gonna go ahead
and elect not to do it.

- You can't do that.
- Really? Bob!

Hospitals can refuse treatment
on a non-emergency patient.

Here's a list of places we can
refer you to. Thanks for playing.

Give that a good look.

Like I said... rooms.

What kind of person
would do something like this?

That's a very unfortunate
hand placement for you.

This is a very common hand size.
Gotta go.

Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug
until that attorney leaves.

Elliot, the man tried to
electrocute me an hour ago.

All I care about is whether
or not this twitch goes away.

You should take Doug to the morgue.

The worst he could do there
is bring somebody back to life.

Carla, when I became chief resident,
I wrote a pledge to myself.

And you know what it said?

It said, "Dance like nobody
is watching."

Which I do, in my living room
with the shades closed

in case somebody is watching.

But it also said not to hide
problems away.

I'm not gonna go and hide Doug down
in the morgue.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed
to give this to someone

or if I took this from someone,
but I got a bag of blood.

So, Doug, this is the morgue.

That's cute, the little toe tag.
Like a present.

Mr Korman, a nurse said
this was a full-on emergency.

I just came from the courts.

It's been six weeks since
you did my shoulder surgery,

and my serve still has no pop.
No zip, I tell ya.

You have to understand that
this is a healing process.

Who invited Nurse Twitchy?

OK, Mr Korman, for the...

- How many visits is this?
- Twenty-seven.

For the 27th time, I'm gonna ask you
to do your therapy and just be patient.

I have a singles match
against my mother on Monday.

I lose to her, I lose my pride.

I'm assuming these are complimentary.

Dr Dorian.

OK, just stay calm.
You can handle this.

She can't be that much
of a ball-buster.

Oh, God!

- Dr Dorian?
- I'm wearing a cup.

Thanks for the crotch update.

Look. I'm just worried about my dad.

That's when I saw her
for what she really was:

Just a patient's scared daughter.

Can somebody please talk to me?

Elliot, I know everyone thinks
I'm this huge screw-up.

But I just want you to know
that I'm gonna turn it around.

Doug, this is a quarantined area!

It's OK, Doug.

You probably just didn't see the signs.

Signs?

Oh, man, I'm hopeless.

Come on, Doug. Yeah.

Hey, sorry again, guys. My bad.

Get outta here! Get out!

Oh, my God! What an idiot!

- Hey, calm down.
- You calm down.

Oh, yeah?

I thought we could head over
to my tennis club.

I'll show you what's going on
with my serve.

Can you hop a tall fence?
I'm behind on my dues.

A black guy breaking into
a country club.

- Nothing bad could happen there.
- Yeah. I'll go practise.

I'll tell you how it went.
Give me your cell number.

All right, that's it.
Look, Mr Korman,

I will see you whenever
I have office hours.

I will not see you
outside of this hospital,

and there's no way I'd ever
give you my cell phone number,

no matter how awesome or perfect
it may be. Are we clear on that?

Yes, doctor.

Maybe it's just me,

but I wouldn't put up with that.

I'm listening.

I tell ya, sittin' here
watching you play with your food

makes you seem much less horrifying.

Oh, I know how I come off.

You know, but I have to
put that act on for my job.

It's kind of like how you act
all nerdy and spastic

to seem more accessible
to your patients.

I'm glad you got that.

You're sweet.

My God, is she flirting with me?

Oh, my God. Am I flirting with you?

Oh, my God. Is she psychic?

You must think I'm a mess.
I don't know how.

Come on, it's easy.
I'll tell you what.

Take some cupcake frosting
and just lick it off your finger.

You mean... like this?

I think that was mashed potatoes.

Wait, is she into me? Quick, make
a bad joke and see if she laughs.

Hear the one about the skeleton
who couldn't go to the party?

He had no body to go with.

That's really funny.

Well, that's not a fair test.
That joke's hilarious.

Still, right then, I decided something.

I know you hate everything
about Miss Broderick.

Her father's in need of medical care.
It's our moral obligation to treat him,

whether his daughter's a murderer,
drug addict or terrorist.

- I know. But a lawyer?
- Even a lawyer. That's what we do.

Who taught you this crap?

It's nice to have the right answer
to a tough question.

- You did.
- Oh.

It's definitely better
than having no answer at all.

Elliot, do you think
I should even be a doctor?

Not at dinner.

Baby, if you call Turk,
you get Turk.

You got Turk.

If you do answer,
be prepared for the worst.

- Hi. Do you have a sec?
- Who gave you this number?

He did.

I'm not gonna lie, Newbie.

You really impressed me
by parroting my ethical speech.

What the hell got into you?

As for me, I didn't have to
say anything and he knew.

Oh, Priscilla, you are so busted.

Damn it. He sees like a hawk.

So she just bats her eyes,
and you change your tune?

Who in the hell am I kidding?
Of course you fell for her act.

You're the loneliest guy
in this hospital.

Oh, no. He's not the loneliest guy.
That's the loneliest guy. Watch this.

Excuse me.

Neena played you like the proud owner
of the world's longest dry streak.

Can I ask you a personal question?
Exactly how long has it been

since you've swiped
the stuffed animals off your bed,

thrown your ankles up, and
thanked whatever God you pray to

you didn't have on your granny panties?

For your information,
there's a certain foxy nurse

that requested my services at
her apartment just last weekend.

Hold on. I'm almost there.

OK, your new bed's all in.
What now?

You leave.

I still don't understand
why he couldn't do it.

Even if I am a little desperate,
Neena was not playing me.

- I was playing you.
- You're saying that because he's here.

- No, I manipulated you.
- You're saying that because he's here.

We seem to be in a bit of a loop,
so I'll step over and talk to this one.

Are you gonna do the procedure
on my father or not?

I'm gonna go ahead and leave
this decision up to the lonely guy.

What are you doing here?

Hiding from Doug.

He asked me a question
I haven't answered yet. You?

Trying to make a dramatic exit.
Thought this was a patient's room.

Right. What are they doing here?

This is a hospital.
He should have his shirt on.

- Yeah.
- Dynamite areolas, though.

Hey, night school.

- Mr Korman followed us home last night.
- How'd you get my number?

Once you've got somebody's
driver's licence

and urine sample,
you can get about anything.

How do you flunk eighth grade gym?

You'd better stop
messing with my husband.

Tell him to stop messin' with my walls!

You did this?

Baby, you know you're my world.

I'm out.

I flunked gym, too.
Didn't like the shorts.

By the way, your number
isn't "call Turk." It's "call Tur."

Lt'd be easier if your name
was Cal Turk.

There's nobody named Cal Turk.

Cal Turk here. We don't sell insurance.

We sell peace of mind.

But only to white people.

Would you like some milk?

Carla, have you seen Miss Broderick?

Maybe you should ask Ted.

So she's nearby.

Your father's gonna be just fine.

The place is top-notch.
I practically live here.

- Are you a doctor?
- Massive hypochondriac.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to go harass a surgeon.

If you've come to tell me your decision
about my father, say it and leave.

I've seen the real you.
You can't even flirt.

Really?

- Why are you doing this?
- I love my dad. I'd do anything.

I think you're sweet.

- How can I believe that?
- Can't. I already lied to you.

The trust's broken,
though I'd never lie again.

- Really?
- Who knows?

Do whatever you think is right,
regardless of how I feel about you.

If it helps, I'm not
the least bit interested.

Like that matters.
I'm not that lonely.

When faced with a decision, sometimes
you need to be alone with your thoughts.

Of course, in a hospital,
that's a problem.

See, around here, places to be alone
are hard to come by.

How do I decide if we should do
the procedure or not?

How do I tell someone
he shouldn't be a doctor?

How do I get my patient
to stop stalking me?

How do I get these people
to realise that just because

I'm in a coma doesn't mean
I can't hear them?

I'm hungry.

You got two options. You can
go hard-core on Mr Korman,

slap a restraining order
and switch him to another doctor.

The guy's a pain in the ass,
but I can't do that to him.

Re-establish your boundaries and
wean him off the home visits.

'Course you'll have
to change your number.

Mr Korman,
I've filed a restraining order,

which means if you come to
my house, call my cell phone...

Excuse me. I know
what a restraining order is.

You act like I've never dated.

Good-bye, Mr Korman.

Turk's incredible selfishness

in sacrificing a patient
to keep his cell phone number

motivated Elliot and I
to do the right thing.

- Do the procedure.
- OK.

Even if the right thing is really hard.

Doug, I'm sorry, but...

I don't think you're cut out
for being a doctor.

Wow.

I cannot figure out how this guy died.

I'm betting he took
a paracentesis needle to the aorta.

Have you seen this before?

Seen it?
Upstairs, they call that a "Doug."

You got any others
you can't figure out?

Doctor-prescribed overdosage
of fentanyl.

Dissected left main during
a cardiac catheterisation.

We look under Mr Pancreas, and...

...there it is.
- He's the best I've ever seen.

- Mind if we steal him from you?
- I can live with it.

Well... my work here is done.

I'll get those.

So, my dad's gonna be OK?

- He's great.
- Thank you.

I hope I didn't ruffle your feathers
too much while I was here.

Sweetheart, I find it
amusing that you think

you're so much
as a blip on my radar.

You ought to jot this down
in your little lawyer notebook:

Nothing you could possibly do
could ever, ever get to me.

I should probably thank him, too.

Oh, my God.

I'm gagging and vomiting
at the same time. I'm...

I'm gavomiting.

You know, if you really
want to piss him off,

we should follow him to his office
and have sex right in front of him.

That would never work.
I couldn't perform. It's a mentor thing.

OK. Thank you.

OK, I'm confused. I thought
you weren't interested in me.

Maybe I just said that
to make it easier for you.

Or maybe I said it 'cause I knew
you'd do what I wanted you to.

I'm not sure yet.

As I stood there confused but enjoying

Neena's very long kiss with
just the right amount of tongue,

I thought about when you make tough
decisions, good things can happen.

Like the confidence you gain
from finding your true calling.

Nelson, got some of your handiwork
down in the morgue today.

You operating with
a blindfold on or what?

When you make decisions for the wrong
reasons, they can bite you in the ass.

Ten feet, Mr Korman!

No problem. I'm suing you.

Dude, Mr Korman is suing me,

and that ice princess is his attorney!

When did he get
a chance to meet her?!

What am I gonna do?
Call Turk as soon as you get this.

Are you coming in or what?

In the end, it's always best to rely on
your principles to make decisions.

Hell, yeah.

Message deleted.