Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 10 - My Female Trouble - full transcript

I don't know why, but I feel like Turk
and Carla are upset with me.

Still, I can't be sure,

so it's always good to test.

May I have a pancake, please?

OK, they're mad.

I'm pretty sure it's because of
my new girlfriend. She's amazing.

Don't get me wrong,
she's not the warmest person.

- Neena, the funniest thing happened...
- I'm eating.

Sorry.

I'm starving.

Wish I hadn't left my wallet at home.



... bread.

Also the sex could be
a little impersonal.

So that's a no on cuddling?

Turk and Carla's
main problem with Neena

is she's a malpractice attorney
who's suing Turk.

I was doing everything I could

not to rub the relationship
in Turk's face.

I could probably do more.

Good morning.

I'll see you at the deposition.

I'll try not to spank your lawyer
as hard as I spanked him last night.

Bye.

FYI, there was no
spanking last night, OK?

Really?



- Yeah.
- Then this won't hurt.

Nope.

Hit him again, baby.

Why?

After spreading half a tube

of what I thought was burn ointment
on my butt, it was off to work.

- What smells like Vagisil?
- Nothing. How can I help you?

Remember how I thought Mr Peterson's
back pain was sacrolitis

and you said it wasn't?
Well, I was right.

Yeah, you should never use
scalding-hot coffee

for a victory sip.
It's a beginner's mistake.

What are you so negative about?

Elliot's come into her own as a doctor.

Now that her mentor Molly is gone,
she wants to prove it wasn't a fluke.

Attention, staff. One of our hospital's
board members is coming in as a patient.

The first doctor to my office
gets to treat him.

Around here everyone's
looking to prove themselves.

Go!

So, Craig,
how's your grandmother doing?

She's much better now. Thanks.

It turns out it was just...

Thanks.

J.D., how could you do this to Turk?

You two are so close I have nightmares
of you running away together.

Where do we go?

One time we went to Aspen.

Oh, I hope it was summer.
I'm not that big a skier.

- Girls! I want an explanation.
- Tell her our code.

If you haven't had sex
in six months,

you're not accountable
for who you sleep with.

Please. When you were single, you
were never that desperate, were you?

Oh, that was amazing.

Yes, it was.

We're all God's children
in the dark.

Christopher Duncan Turk,
you tell him how you really feel,

just like you told me last night,
or I will do it for you.

"Baby...

why does he hurt me so ba-a-ad?"

- I want you to stop seeing her.
- Fine.

But I'm only ending it
because friends come first.

- Plus, you already had sex with her.
- Four and a half times.

Later.

Jordan, you're on the board.

What is the story
on my patient Mr Summers?

Stick, I'm gonna warn you
the same way I warn Perry

when I have more
than three scotches.

Prepare to have your ass grabbed.

That's disturbing in,
like, eight different ways.

Barbie, he's a sexist pig.
He's gonna eat you alive.

Look, I'm not the same doctor
I was four years ago.

- I am smarter, more confident and...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just skip the rest of
your "I'll show you" speech

and just walk away in a huff.
I'm very busy.

Thank you.

So should we start this deposition,

or do you just want to hand us
a big bag of money?

"Big bag of money."

You aren't gonna freeze up
around her again, are you, Ted?

No chance. I'm drugged up.

Plus, if I concentrate,

I think I can control
the excessive flop sweat

I get the second she speaks.

Ted? You ready to get started?

Whenever you're ready, Neena.

First off, I'd just like to say
that these charges...

We should take a short recess.

- Believe me, you're better off.
- I agree.

Mr Korman contends the shoulder surgery
he received ruined his tennis serve.

I'd like to ask Dr Turk if his diabetes

could have affected
his performance in surgery?

- You're diabetic?
- Yes. I told you that.

- Thought you were joking.
- How is that funny?

Well, it's a very serious disease,
and I don't like you.

How do we even know he plays tennis?

Look at him. He's awful.

You are awful.

Wait for the serve.

We're settling.

I want you to know I still think
you're a great doctor,

and I've been talking to my rabbi lately
about me finally getting circumcised.

It's not a religious thing.
It's more for the ladies.

What?

Hey, Neena.

God help me,
I'm gonna miss that smile.

I think because of the Turk situation

we should probably
stop seeing each other.

No.

You can't say no.
No is the answer to a question,

and I clearly wasn't asking
a question, Neena.

I was making a dramatic statement,
and I'm sorry,

but that statement was "good-bye."

You know, one of us
is gonna tire eventually.

So, how are we feeling, Mr Summers?

I feel like my ex-wife
is standing on my chest...

and not the pretty one.

The fat one that had all my kids.

Fantastic. I'd like to start by...

Listen, Goldilocks,

unless the next three words
out of your mouth

are some combination of sponge,
bath, and my big white ass,

I'm not interested.

Now, how about you

be a nice little nurse

and go find my doctor.

- Actually, sir...
- His name is Elliot Reid.

So, what's the word?
Is this guy any good?

Oh, he rocks.

If my malpractice insurance
goes through the roof,

you'll have to take a step down
lifestyle-wise.

I live in a tiny apartment
with my husband, his best friend,

and their dead stuffed dog.
What's the step down?

Hey, come on.

One of the most amazing
things about you

is that you never
let anything beat you.

I am pretty impressive.

You are, and don't you let
anything else

get into that beautiful head
of yours. OK?

What could get into
this man's head, baby? Huh?

Tough day, huh?

Want to talk about it?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

Neena, it's over.

No, it's not. In fact,
I find myself oddly turned on

by your "baby horse standing up for
the first time" style of love-making.

First of all, thank you.
Secondly, I tried to be reasonable.

If you want to see my dark side,
you're gonna see my dark side.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
Tickle, tickle.

- Yet another strong moment for you?
- Why don't you tell me how this ends?

You won't break up with me.
Betray your friend.

Is this some lawyer mind trick?
It's not gonna happen.

- Sit down.
- I won't. I'm leaving.

- You're gonna have sex with me.
- I'll do nothing of the sort.

And as the ultimate act
of betrayal, you will do it

on the very same sweat-and-tear-soaked
table where I crushed your friend.

Oh... I hate a dirty table.

I love a dirty table.

God help me, I do.

I do love a dirty table.

OK, Mr Summers, your EKGs came back,

and Dr Reid liked what he saw.

When the hell am I getting out?

Dr Reid thought you might
ask that and had an answer.

Shut your cakehole!

He also said for you to stop paying off
orderlies to sneak you cheeseburgers.

Wow. He's old school.

- Like me.
- Hey!

That belongs to Dr Reid.

So you and Reid...

Yes, we're lovers.

Red-hot lovers.

I'm guessing he's married?

She doesn't understand him like I do.

I love this guy.

Not like I do.

Turk's kind of in a dark place
right now, so stay away from him, OK?

Nothing personal. You're just
an awful human being.

Of course. But...

we kind of crossed paths already.

Life is pointless, Gandhi,

and I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

The only thing more pointless
than life itself is being a doctor.

I mean, bottom line, you spend
eight years and 200 Gs

to get through med school,
and what do you have to show for it?

I'll tell you. A diploma on your wall
and a bull's-eye on your back.

And you reminded him
that people are basically good?

People suck. They suck.
And make no mistake about it,

even sweet little old ladies

are looking to bend you
over a chair in court.

Come on.

We covered people.

And I know you would
never do anything

to ruin his innocence.

You see, there is
a compartment in the hat,

so the stinkin' rabbit is actually
in there the whole time.

Right?

People pretty much hear
what they want to hear, OK?

What did you do?

Excuse me. My son is interested
in becoming a doctor,

and maybe you could
tell him what it's like.

I'd love to. I would love to.

Do you have a dog, bowl cut?

Well,

I want you to find
a pile of its best work

and roll all around in it.

That's how it feels to be a doctor,

because here's
the dirty little secret...

people don't want your help.

They want your dignity, your pride.

But mostly, they want your money.

Good luck in med school.

Oh.

The next time you see
a magic show,

the bunny was in the hat
the whole time.

Peace out.

You are so dead.

You can only keep the truth
hidden for so long.

Enough is enough.

I want to meet this Dr Reid.

No problem. Frick.

Turk, wait!

Let's sit down
and talk about this.

And when the truth comes out,

it doesn't set you free
as much as you'd hoped.

Hey, buddy.

Especially if it involves
betraying your best friend.

Did we win?

Hold on, Turk. Haven't you ever heard
of keeping your enemies closer?

I was keeping her close, Turk.

Hey, Gandhi. I think we should talk.
What do you think?

Sure, Dr Cox and I were feeling guilty,

but if Turk didn't want to talk
about it, we were in the clear.

May I have a word with you two?

Hey, who wants to be me?

Craig, you're probably
still mad at me. Anyone else?

Dr Reid at your service.

OK, that's a no for Todd.

Isn't there anyone here
that I can trust to be me?

Hello. I'm Dr Reid.

Dr Elliot Reid.

I'm a doctor.

What is the matter with you two?

J.D., you said you were
gonna break up with Neena.

Believe me, the whole time
we were having sex

I was thinking about Turk.

- That came out wrong.
- And you...

...why do you want everybody here
to be as miserable as you?

How could you not get this?

What does misery love?

All right, look...

Company!

Misery loves company!

Misery loves company.

Oh, God.

OK, sure. Maybe we did
screw up, just a poquito,

but come on, we're definitely not
the ones that you want to be mad at.

Oh, yeah? Then who?

Hiya, fellas.

Summers,

- I think we can save your foot.
- It's his heart.

I know that.

We're concerned about your ticker.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

Well, your paper strip looks good.

But, we're going to have
to listen to that heart of yours.

I'm afraid I was wrong.
We're going to have to take that foot.

My talk with Carla gave me
the courage to take a stand.

After all, misery loves camaraderie.

Look, Neena...

Talk about ending our relationship,
I'll punish you.

Punish me? How?

You know what?
Now, this is cra...

I am not gonna get your name
tattooed on my ankle, OK?

Enough is enough, all right?

A man has to have his limits.

Let's get out of here. Come on.

And that's when I realised
I would never be strong enough

to break Neena's hold over me.
I needed help.

I needed someone
even scarier than she was.

I needed a real witch.

It's a witch!

Somebody must have left this here
from Halloween.

God, Dr Cox is gonna go off on me,

worse than when my brother Barry
caught me reading his Playgirl.

- Don't you mean Playboy?
- No.

Your brother's...
Has he actually told your family...

- No.
- Everyone's positive...

- Do you think he and another guy...
- No more questions.

Elliot, if you can handle
that sexist dirtbag in there,

- you can certainly handle Perry.
- Why are you being nice to me?

Perry occasionally
talks to me at home,

and he told me that you don't
need him as much anymore,

and it annoys the hell out of him,

which, of course,
gives me endless enjoyment.

Don't go backwards. Own
what you did with Mr Summers.

You are so much stronger than all
the other idiot residents around here.

Really?

Jordan, I need you to break up
with somebody for me.

Really.

Hey, there's no pie here.

Oh, my God!

You two are gonna kill me.

Nobody's gonna kill you.

Hi. I'm Dr Nobody.

I see. This is your Hippocratic Oath?
Schoolyard threats?

Seriously, is there no pie?

Look, Turk,

I know you feel like
you did right by him,

but you have to acknowledge that
Mr Korman feels like you let him down.

Hey, you know what?

I don't feel that way.

I know you did
the best job you could.

But there's something
that you should know about me.

People hate me.

But in tennis,

they're forced to interact.

So for three hours
two Sundays a month,

I have friends.
You know what I mean?

So, what you're saying is
that even though you think

my husband did a great job,

you've decided to crush his spirit

by putting a permanent black mark
on his medical record

over a tennis game?

I fear I've said too much.

OK, this woman is horrifying,
so don't panic.

- I'll be fine.
- I was talking to myself.

There you are. Get in the backseat
and lie on the floor.

- OK.
- Back.

Neena. Word?

Oh, it's so on.

You got something to say, say it.

The thing about strong women,

if you call them out, they're gonna
give you a piece of their mind.

I should've known, Barbie.

You have been
impersonating a doctor

since the first day you got here.

I did what I had to do
to treat this guy.

As far as me being scared about you
telling him that I'm full of crap...

Hey, jerkwad! I'm Dr Reid!

- What?!
- And by the way,

I had a chat with your wife.
I know I'm in your head.

It took me three years to move in
and I'm not moving out.

Here's what's gonna happen.

You'll drop this lawsuit because
it's wrong and you know it,

but also because if you don't, I'll
pound the plaid right off that shirt

and make it so the only way you'll be
able to eat pie is through a straw.

You come in here and walk around
like you're the queen bee?

Guess what, missy.
This is my house.

You and Mr Chestless here are over.

So move on. Cos if you don't,

I'm gonna turn your little
lame liaison into a threesome

starring yours truly.

And I don't kiss nice.

And just like that,
we all knew who had won.

Ouch.

Yeah!

OK. Fine. It's over.

I'm free?

Hey, you.
Go get in the back of my car.

Awesome.

Wow. Thanks, Jordan.
I'll see you around.

Not so fast.
You're my bitch now.

Jordan's making me
stretch out her new jeans.

Cry me a river.

You know what Gandhi's wife
made me do this afternoon

- cos I supposedly crushed his spirit?
- What?

Ever since the surgery,
I've been serving lefty.

A little unpredictable,
but I'm getting some good heat.

Can't wait to see it.

Hit you on the fly!
Fifteen-love!

Turk, I'm sorry about Neena.

It's OK, man.

She's a woman. I understand.

And the truth was he did understand.

No matter how much we like
to pretend otherwise,

strong, confident women will
always have the power over us.

Whether they're fighting for respect...

... or fighting for their man...

... or even just fighting
for the hell of it.

Strong women make all guys
feel the same way.

Jordan looks mad. I should go.

I have to pick up
Carla's dry cleaning.

Well, what do we have here?

Oh, no.

I heard from a reliable source
that you want to live in a dumpster.

I can arrange that.

Yep, I know just
the right neighbourhood.