Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 20 - My Boss's Free Haircut - full transcript

You never know who you're gonna
find in the cafeteria at 5am.

A husband who asked his wife,
after 36 hours of labour,

if the screaming
was really necessary.

Or the intern who's been on-call
so many nights, she's hallucinating...

Hi. I'd like two tickets to
Million Dollar Baby.

Or your friends who found time between
shifts to discuss marital troubles.

Why can't Carla let this go?

Wouldn't you be mad if your husband
talked to his ex-girlfriend?

Yeah, but mostly
because I had a husband.

I'm going to stay at Elliot's
for a few more days.

Yeah, I figured as much.
I brought you some things.



Your slippers...

...and...

...remember that note on the toilet
to remind me to put the seat down?

Looking at it was making me sad.

I wrote this the first time I forgot
to look down and fractured my tailbone.

- You were in a lot of pain.
- Yeah.

Keep it together. We'll have brunch
on Sunday and see where we're at.

But I want to be where you're at while
we try to figure out where we're at.

Think they'll work it out?

The movie's about to start.

- Go home, Kathy.
- Where did she get popcorn?

Maybe it's because we're best friends,
but I had a feeling Turk was depressed.

I should call her.

Turk, you're not gonna believe this,
but I don't know a lot about women.



No, it's true.

One thing I do know is when a woman
wants her space, you give her space.

My sixth grade girlfriend
taught me that.

No, Olivia. I won't leave you alone

until you explain
why you ignored me on the bus.

I hope she's dead.

The point is, in the meantime,
don't spiral into a depression, OK?

So I'm taking you to a carnival tonight.
What do you say?

I can't go to a carnival.
It reminds me of Carla.

- Why?
- Dude, "carnival."

Remove the "niv" and switch the "l"
and the "a," and you got "Carla."

Oh, my God, he's right.

Thank you so much
for letting me stay here.

Please. And I still
have only one rule.

I cannot talk or be talked to
while on the toilet,

I cannot talk or be talked to
by someone on the toilet.

You told me yesterday, Elliot.
I get it.

You say that, yet you still knocked this
morning and asked if I wanted coffee.

Oh, I just thought...

We'll pretend it never happened
or I won't poo again for two months.

Oh, God, this sucks!
I hate March.

Do you realize two years ago
this Sunday my mom died?

Plus, last March,
you got that hideous haircut.

Look, if it makes you feel any better,
I'm sure Turk's just as miserable.

Stop! My tummy's starting to rumble.

Faster! Jump! Go for it!

- Kids, don't fly out!
- I'm going to hurl!

You see a lot of sad things
in a hospital.

But nothing's as sad as a dermatologist
that's been paged,

milking it for all it's worth.

All right, everybody, watch your backs!
Skin doctor coming through!

I gotta get somewhere stat!

You called for a consult?

Mr. Warner, do you see
what you've made me do?

By again choosing to spend
all of your free time

out on the surface of the sun
until melanomas develop,

you forced me to pull the attending
dermatologist away from a backne seminar

and validate his most ridiculous
of career choices.

- Oh, God.
- I just want to look good.

You, my friend,
look so damn leathery,

I'm honestly tempted
to wrap you around a baseball,

cinch you up with a belt
and stick you under my mattress

so that you're good and broken in
for the big game on Sunday.

But I'm here to heal, not judge.
I'm gonna write you some prescriptions.

You'll find that this first one
is for an extra large mallet

to help pound some sense
into yourself.

The second one is for a big,
floppy hat that you're now to wear

every single time you leave the house.

Have a great day.
You look like a purse.

Perry, a word.

Oh, yeah.

Your skin's all messed up.

Perry, I am sick and tired
of listening to people complain

about being called fatties,
boozers, losers, winos, tubbos,

tokers, smokers, and jamokers,
whatever the hell jamokers means.

I was saying "jokers"
and I had coffee cake in my mouth.

Unlike my masseuse Frida,
you're not pretty enough to be rough.

- Work on your bedside manner.
- Say, Bobbo,

when exactly was the last time
you treated a patient?

Now you listen to me, Betty.

No matter how long,
we'll get through this.

Congratulations.
They just named you Chief of Medicine.

Bingo! Smell you later, Betty.

Fine. You want me to take a patient,
I'll take a patient.

The Bobatron is actually going to
try to connect with another human?

It is so on.

- Guys, it's so on.
- Awesome.

- What's on?
- Who cares? He called me a guy.

We stayed up too late.

Our first annual interracial
"buddy movie" night. We had to.

I'm pissed you thought Turner & Hooch
were interracial buddies.

I didn't know it was
Tom Hanks and a dog.

Don't paint me as racist
because I thought "black guy"

when I heard
the name Hooch.

- Yeah, J.D., what's up?
- Oh, sorry, Hooch.

We were just talking
about the movie.

No biggie. Happens all the time.

OK, so it was an honest mistake.

Gotta go.

Too hard!
What is going on with Turk?

- He doesn't even seem bummed out.
- I uplifted his spirits.

How did you do that?
Carla is just bottoming out.

I just came to use the bathroom
because she keeps violating the rule.

Quiet on the crapper?

Yeah. It's like she stores everything up
until my cheeks hit the seat.

She thinks she's exempt from the rule.

Nobody is exempt from the rule, J.D.

OK. It's OK. I'll never
talk to you on the crapper.

I can't afford
to soundproof my bathroom.

Listen, the way I cheered up Turk,
I made it all about him.

Find some way to lift
Carla's spirits up.

Surprise!

- What's going on?
- We are celebrating your mom's death.

I mean, your mom's life. We're going
to celebrate your dead mom's life.

I even got a cake.

Wow! Does it say "dead"
anywhere on it?

Not anymore.

Junior, I don't know what you doing,
but you better look for some bandages.

You'll need them when I
get through with you. Dr. Kelso.

I didn't recognize you in scrubs.

That's OK, Laverne.
I didn't recognize you

without your mini TV
and your feet up.

Real nice outfit there.

Just go right ahead
and say what you want,

because Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action
and he hasn't missed a step.

Now, where do we keep the sick people?

Hello, Ms. Goldman.
I'm your doctor.

Don't you mean my doctor's
great-great-great-great-grandfather?

- You're old.
- Yeah, I got that.

Hey, friend. I switched shifts
so we could hang out tonight.

Hell, yeah.
There's no beer in the fridge.

We're gonna have to stop
and pick up some hooch!

- Yeah, Turk?
- Sorry, man.

- I was talking about the beer.
- That's no problem, buddy.

All right!

Just seems like you
could've said "beer."

It's a much more common word.

My bad. Won't happen again.

Won't happen again.

- You knew he was there?
- Couldn't help myself.

It's weird.
I want his marriage to work,

but it's nice to have Turk
all to myself again.

It's weird. I want to follow him down
the hall and crack him over the head,

but I'm so drunk right now, I know
I'll collapse if I even move an inch.

And I am not kidding you.

My mom turns to the guidance counsellor
and she says,

- You understood that?
- I know when to laugh in any language.

OK. You know, I was sceptical, but
it's been nice reminiscing about my mom.

It's about to get a whole lot nicer.

Hi, sweet pea, it's Mom. I just called
to tell you how much I love you.

- Oh, my God.
- It's J.D.'s old answering machine.

Hi, Carla. I sure wish you
would call me once in a while.

Hadn't heard that one.

What other stories
do you have about your mom?

- Carla...
- God, it has batteries.

It seems like you never have time
for me anymore. Carla?

Carla? Carla?
Pick up if you're there...

What we are dealing with are venostasis
ulcers, mostly because of your weight.

You figured out I'm fat.
You're either a brilliant doctor

or every guy
I've gone to high school with.

OK, moving on.

From what I'm seeing on your
fasting glucose and triglycerides,

- I'm suspecting...
- Metabolic syndrome?

Yes. Now this condition
is not that rare.

- One in five people have it.
- Stop doing that!

Why am I paying you to tell me things
I already figured out on my own?

Maybe because I graduated first
in my class at Stanford in 1972.

You graduated 12th
in your class in 1968.

- She Googled your ass.
- I'm not interested in street lingo.

I am interested in where she found
that magic phone

that keeps making me
look like an idiot.

Last summer, we had to choose
between stemming a hepatitis C outbreak

or going to bartending school.

I always felt we did the right thing.

Especially since Turk needed to blow off
some steam before meeting with Carla.

We're your guest bartenders,
we'll be here all night!

I'm going home and think about
what to say to Carla tomorrow.

I was being selfish, but I couldn't
help it. It was our last hurrah.

You know Carla likes it
when you speak from your heart.

Improv that, dog!

Stay here and drink for Carla.

- Since we doing it for Carla...
- For Carla!

Let's do this!

My barber once told me it's
important to finish what you've started.

Of course, sometimes what you've started
was clearly the worst idea in the world.

Wasn't this kind of fun?

It stopped.

Other times, it's a lot harder
than you thought.

Damn it, young lady, let me in!
This is my hospital!

Hey, Bob, what's shaking
in Patientville?

Just trying to keep myself from
spending all day in there with her.

- Such a doll.
- You Bob.

If you end up with a hangover
that would slay a walrus, it's worth it.

Especially if you know your best friend
is at brunch saving his marriage.

What time is it?

Or he missed it.

This was my fault,
so I was determined to fix it.

Still, I needed Elliot's help,
so I decided to break the ice first.

Hey, Elliot, do me a favour.

What do you mean, say "hooch"?

Oh, my God, what?
I'm a little busy.

I'm sorry. I'm not really sure
what's happening right now.

Of course you're not. Because in
your head, it's all about you, isn't it?

Well, no more. Say "hooch" again,
it will be the last thing you ever say.

He was mad, wasn't he?
Oh, Hooch is crazy.

Tell Carla it's my fault I kept Turk
out all night and he overslept.

- It was J.D.'s fault.
- How come Turk hasn't called?

- Why hasn't he called?
- I wanted to fix it.

He wanted to fix it.

Ask Betty why he's such a girly girl.

- Not now.
- Do it now, do it now. Call her Betty.

- You're insane.
- Betty, Betty, Betty.

- Betty?
- Yeah?

Oh, my God, it worked!

- When does Turk want to get together?
- When does he want to get together?

I'm sorry about last night.
I explained you overslept.

When do you want to meet up?

I didn't oversleep.
I... decided not to go.

I don't know how she jammed this.
Can you open that door?

You made it up here
without passing out or vomiting.

Now calmly and eloquently explain
you can't open it right now,

and he'll be on his way.

You open the door?

- Well done.
- Are you mocking me?

Give me this damn screwdriver.

Hello, young lady.

I set up an appointment
with our nutritionist.

She'll create a diet
and exercise plan

so I never have to see you
in here again.

Yeah, I'm having a gastric bypass.

But, Ms. Goldman, you're only 25,

and considering that any
serious surgery has inherent risks,

- I really don't...
- How are you not getting this?

I don't care what you think.

Carla, I am so sorry about those
messages from your mother,

- but I'm going to make it up to you.
- It's OK, Elliot.

It was nice hearing
my mom's voice again.

I just...

I wish I could talk to her
about what's going on.

I'm really not comfortable
with this kind of stuff.

You can talk to people
once they're gone.

I talked to our maid Consuela
all the time.

- When did she die?
- When I was 11.

That's what my dad told me.

I found out he deported her
for putting knives in the fork drawer.

Elliot, you're a lot more normal
than you should be.

Well, you do what you can
with what you got.

Holy frick!

First my parents get divorced,
now you and Carla.

Common denominator? J.D.

I should get cards that say
"love destroyer".

It's not your fault.

Don't get me wrong,
hanging with you has been nice.

It was intoxicating.
You were hanging with the J. Dizzle.

I'm sure it felt like a crazy dream.

With the J. Dizzle, it's hassle-free.

Like some sort of crazy,
hassle-free dream.

OK, stop, stop. Maybe that's
why I skipped the brunch.

I just can't help thinking
marriage shouldn't be this hard.

You're my gastric bypass.
Any questions?

Nope. See you in the O.R. Tomorrow.

I'll be the one with the mask on.

That's how easy marriage should be.

I won't be there, but I'm sure
it will be nice operating on you.

What is it, Bob?

When the hell did patients
stop respecting us?

I tried to help that young woman,

and she rolled over me like Enid's
wheelchair over Baxter's tail.

Enid was recently paralyzed.
I haven't told anyone.

Anyway, I couldn't handle the patients,
so go ahead, take your shots.

I want to, Bob, I really do.

But my first patient today
was a snot-nosed little punk

who wouldn't let me give him a rectal
exam unless I said pretty please,

and I'm not big on begging strangers
to stick my hand up their butt.

Not even in my private time.

Remember when being a doctor
meant people would look up to you?

When I first started out,
I could take this old white coat out,

get a free haircut
or a nice table at a restaurant.

Hell, I never once
got a speeding ticket.

People used to give me
cards and gifts

and sometimes even a pie
just for doing my job.

Every mother wanted me
to marry their daughter

because I was a doctor,

and I used that to sleep
with all those mothers.

That's what a house call used to mean.

Those were the good old,
incredibly disturbing days, Bob.

Today, people think of us as
drug-dispensing walking lawsuits

who are in fact less informed
than their Internet phones.

So that's what
that damn thing was.

I will tell you one thing, though.

If you even want to have an outside
chance of reaching someone nowadays,

you damn sure better
speak from your heart.

Thank you, Perry.

Blow it out your ass, Bob.

Elliot.

- Yeah?
- I spoke to the groundskeeper.

He'll come as soon as he
finishes burying Paul Newman.

Different Paul Newman. I asked.
I'll wait here with you.

Carla, go.

I'm fine down here in this giant,
fresh, empty grave.

OK, bye.

I didn't know what to say to Turk next,
and then it happened.

- Sir, the door was open.
- I know. I just love doing that.

What now, grandpa?

You are going to shut your yapper
and listen for a change.

I got you pegged, sweetheart.

You want to take the easy way out
with this surgery because you're scared.

You're scared because if you try
and fail, there's only you to blame.

Well, missy, let me break this
down for you Bobbo-style.

Life is scary. Get used to it.

And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso
wasn't only talking to her.

There are no magical fixes.

It's all up to you.

So get up off your keister, get out
of here, and go start doing the work.

- What if it's too hard?
- What if it's too hard?

I have no idea why you're chiming in,
but I'll say this to both of you.

Nothing in this world
that's worth having comes easy.

I gotta go.

OK, here it goes.

This is so weird.

I don't really know what to say.

Sorry I haven't visited much.
I've been kind of busy.

That's not true.
Why am I lying to a slab of granite?

I just know I really could've
used you around this week.

I miss you.

Can you tell her I miss her too?

You know what? Never mind.

Because she wouldn't believe you.

You can never truly capture the past.

That'll be $18.

I'm not paying. I'm a doctor.

Yeah, we don't do that anymore.
You're paying.

You still have to try, because as a
recently incarcerated doctor once said,

"Nothing worth having comes easy."

So you ready to come home?

I'm trying to get there, Turk.
I'm just not there yet.

All right. You take
all the time you need, OK?

Wait.

Do you mind sitting here with me
for a little longer?

Is anybody there? Anybody?

Hello!

Keep it together, Elliot.
Things could be worse.

Oh, dear God.

I'm gonna die in a watery grave.