Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 19 - My Best Laid Plans - full transcript

Kylie and I still hadn't slept
together, but I had a feeling

her four-week booty embargo
was about to end.

- I have a surprise for you tonight.
- God, I hope it's sex. Or a pony.

I'll bet it's sex
cos I don't see a pony.

Wait right here.

It's for your scooter.
What are you doing?

Nothing, I was just
gonna do a little laundry.

I assume your facilities
are in-building?

Why is it always
about sex with you?

It's not. Look, Kylie,
I'm just really proud of my abs.

Or ab.



Turk and Carla were having
relationship trouble,

but they were working on it.

I don't understand why we
can't discuss this after The A-Team.

A lot of married couples
hit roadblocks the first year,

but nothing will be resolved if
we don't get our issues out in the open.

OK, let's do this.

- OK, what's bothering me...
- Hey, hey! There he is!

- Did my buddy hit it and quit it?
- Hell, no.

Hell, yes!

Excuse me, it's time
for my nightly ritual.

Pleasure myself,
weep and repeat.

See, Turk? This is our problem.

We're trying to have
a serious conversation,

but you're more concerned
about your other wife.



You know what bothers me?

Everything with you becomes a big issue.
You make mountains out of molehills.

When have I ever made
a mountain out of a molehill?

Turk! If you can't remember to put
the cap on the toothpaste,

how are we gonna raise our children?

You know what?
I'm gonna stay with my sister.

I guess I could
work on it a little.

If the patient is in shock,
the first thing we do

is assess intravascular volume...

- What? That's right.
- Oh, I know.

I wasn't "ahhing" you to indicate
an incorrect answer,

I was "ahhing" because I was bored,
thought that might drive you crazy.

You're a wonderful teacher.
Stop in front of my residents.

- It's unprofessional.
- You're right, Barbie. Carry on.

So when you're dealing
with cardiogenic shock...

...it's best to start
fluid resuscitation...

Let's keep moving.

You know, I don't really appreciate
you messing with my lady.

Your lady?

Blonde doctor and I
will end up together.

I'm talking house in the burbs, Volvo,
dog-fighting ring in the basement.

I guess it wouldn't be the first time
the janitor got the girl.

Oh, wait a minute.
Yes, it would.

- You want to place a wager?
- I do,

but I really have no need for a
cracked Thermos and two pounds of keys.

How about my van for your Porsche?

I suppose when I win, I could destroy
your vehicle and make you watch.

- Bet.
- Bet.

- Give me the details on Kylie.
- Dude, it was so naughty.

We're kissing, and she's like,
"It's a little hot in here,"

and she starts pulling down her skirt.

Oh, my God. I'm getting turned
on by my own fake story.

Damn you, ruptured spleen!
To be continued.

Thank God Turk left,
I can't think about sex anymore.

Luckily for me, there isn't a whole lot
of temptation in a hospital.

Howdy, stranger.

Do you still want me?

Yes, please.

Hey, stranger.

Ouch.

So Molly's back in town.
She definitely wants me.

Bye. How you doing, J. J?

It's J.D.

Thinking of that Jimmie Walker sitcom.

- Good Times?
- No. My sister had a miscarriage.

Molly?

- You look fantastic.
- So do you.

- How's Milwaukee?
- OK. I'm here to see a patient.

Even though she did the fake "forget
my name" thing, she's here for me.

- I think we know there's no patient.
- They've landed!

Grab blankets and all
the canned goods you can carry.

We're moving to the sewers.

He's really possessive of me.
He won't talk to the new psychiatrist.

I'm sure he's not that possessive.

Get away from my doctor!

- Get him off! Get him off!
- Patrick, down.

It is so good to laugh
like this with you again.

I'm on a break here. Tell your
shiny-headed roommate to shut up,

or his first surgery will be removing
a cell phone from his ass.

Give him a break. It's his wife.

Anybody seen Mr Jennings file?
Oh, here it is.

This just got interesting.

- Who are you talking to?
- Rosanna.

- Your college girlfriend?
- Yeah.

- Could I say hi?
- Yeah.

- Hey, Rosanna.
- Hi, J.D.

Dude, what the hell?

Hello?

- Hello? J.D.?
- This phone is indestructible.

If it has a camera,
I'm so getting one.

Is anybody there?

Dude!

Why are you talking to her?

We're just friends!

Just friends.

I was just friends once
with a Vietnamese girl.

Long story short, I'm sending
Trong Tri Kelso to college.

He doesn't want to go to a state school.

Unlike you, Bobbo, Gandhi here
is in a healthy relationship.

I mean, come on, even Jordan lets me
keep in touch with women from my past.

Give me a pound, my dog.

- He gets me.
- Give me a pound, dog.

Does he know you
were being sarcastic?

- I hope not.
- Splendid.

Gentlemen, Crazy Eyes Margo,
I've called us together for one reason.

I have to find a way to make
blonde doctor mine.

Burn down her apartment.

I have an idea,
but we're gonna need a tugboat.

Tugboats and arson.
That's all I ever get from you guys.

We call this a brain trust,
and I'm the one with all the solutions.

I saved you from that eagle, Randall.
I saved your job, Troy.

And, Margo,
I found your birth mother.

She was a tree person, remember?

There's no shame in that.

I'm sorry, guys, but I've had enough.

I'm afraid I have to find
a new brain trust.

Gentlemen...

...I don't want to appear selfish,

but stop what you're doing
and focus on me.

So you seeing anyone?

I went out with a guy named Rick.
Then he met my mom, and it fell apart.

- She didn't like him?
- No. She loved him.

They're in Aruba.

God, I'd love to get with Molly.

You're pretty horny for a guy
who gets it on a nightly basis.

- What are you implying?
- Let's say a birdie told me

- you and Kylie haven't slept together.
- Who?

- Nurse Birdie.
- Well, you haven't.

- I trusted you.
- Dude, it's been a month.

Really? Has it been a month?

Time just flies when you're dry-humping
your way through three pairs of cords.

She hasn't slept with you.

She doesn't want to be exclusive.
Is she dating?

She did go to a movie
with her brother-in-law.

Perfect. You can
have your cake and eat it too.

It's like me talking with Rosanna.
It boosts my self-esteem,

and I take the positive energy
back to Carla.

This is what you do. Go out with Molly,
have a great time while she's in town,

but once she leaves, you go to Kylie
and tell her you want to get exclusive.

That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard.

Once you got the hole
in the bottom of the popcorn box,

it's basically
just a waiting game.

And for the record, that technique
does not work with hot nachos.

You want to get Elliot,
get in good with her best friend.

Who's Elliot?

- Oh.
- Trust me.

The way I got my girlfriend
in junior high

was by getting her
best friend to like me.

And how'd you do that?

Oh, I posed as her dad
so she could rent a car.

I lost my hair
in eighth grade.

Tough break five.

I'm going in.

Um, we should be friends.

- OK.
- Do you like "vanning"?

- I don't know what that is.
- It's kind of my thing.

It's like taking a long drive
in a car, only it's in a van.

- I'm still not getting it.
- Can you hold on for one sec?

She's an idiot.

Turk, I found
your cell phone in the parking lot.

Four stories and not a scratch.
What are you made of?

You got three missed phone calls,
all from a "Rosanna."

Isn't that your ex-girlfriend?

- What's been going on?
- I went to India for two weeks.

Ladies, this is a hospital, not
the Junior League. Let's break it up.

Dr Clock, I feel as though
I've seen less of you recently.

We don't pay you to go hide in your
office. Get out there on the floor.

- I moved to Milwaukee four months ago.
- Welcome back.

This trip to India sounds so exotic.

Hey, Kylie, I'm just calling
to see how your day is going.

Sweat would be
dripping off our naked bodies.

Naked sweat drips.

- What?
- Oh, nothing, Kylie.

It's a new band called
The Naked Sweat Drips.

They have a great song
called Perfect Breasts.

And then I got so flexible,
I could put my legs behind my head.

- J.D., are you there?
- You should come.

Frick on a stick. I gotta go.
I want to hear the rest. Don't forget.

Feet up behind her head.

Who has their feet
behind their head?

A patient, Kylie.
Horrible car accident.

You have to wear your seat belt,
even around the block.

Hey. I'm getting out of here.
Do you want to grab a beer?

They say the best laid plans
of mice and men often go awry.

I can't believe
you've been talking to her.

Now, honey, is it possible

you're making mountains
out of molehills?

Damn it.

Sometimes plans go
exactly like they're supposed to.

- You paged me?
- Yeah, look.

I made a bet with Dr Cox
that you would go out with me.

And if I win,
I get his Porsche.

And the success of those plans can take
even the most hardened men by surprise.

Do you mind? I am trying
to have a private moment with my man.

Oh, God.

- I got lipstick on you.
- No. Leave it.

And sometimes even
the best of men can go awry.

So are you coming over tonight?

- Hey, J.D.
- Try that cake I was telling you about.

Actually, Kylie, I... I can't tonight.

If having my cake and eating it too
meant being with Molly,

- then nothing would get between us.
- Going out?

- Yeah, you should come with us!
- That's the close button.

No, it's a close button. When someone
gets close, a sensor opens the door.

Fancy.

She's got a pinkie hold.

Elliot's got the finger strength
of a rock-climbing jazz pianist.

You're pressing the wrong button.

- I'm so excited. So where are we going?
- We haven't decided yet!

I gotta tell you there, supercuts,

I've seen crazy things
at this hospital.

I've seen smokers live to be 100

and triathletes come in
and drop dead at 20.

I've seen unbridled joy,

and I've seen
debilitating pain.

But I never thought I'd see
a jump-suit-wearing,

van-driving, vomit-cleaning,
no-good, confounded,

Frankenstein-looking buffoon
like you get a girl like Barbie.

I'm gonna paint your Porsche mint
green so it looks like my van's baby.

Rosanna gets her own
personal ringtone, but I don't?

Baby, I don't
have to answer this.

It's cool. I got the ring
that matters, right?

Nurse, I want to talk
to you about these discharge...

We can talk later.

- You need to come get a drink.
- Yes, I do.

Janitor.

So did Dr Cox pay up?

Uh, no. No.

He says that he needs to
see us on an actual date

in a restaurant tonight at 8.

OK. Meet me at Stanwyck's?

- Sure.
- OK.

Sorry, guys, can't go clubbing tonight.

Daddy's got a date.

Oh, man!

I ironed my going-out hair!

They make thongs
specifically for low riders now.

They don't work. I can't sit
without showing my ass crack.

- One night, some guy put a pen in it.
- Some guy?

I never get credit for anything.

You guys think I'm
overreacting about Turk?

Calls from an ex
would drive me nuts.

I knew how to get rid of them,
but I can't do that to Turk.

- If you don't do it, I will.
- Mr Peeps? Why are you British?

I'll explain later.
Just lose the extra bitches.

Carla. Go talk to Turk.

Share with him your feelings.
That's what he wants.

- Yeah?
- Come on. I'll drive you.

I gotta go to dinner anyway.

You're welcome.

We should go too. It's late.

Oh, no, no, no.
I just ordered two drinks.

Here they are.

Hey, Turk?

I promise I will visit you soon.

Look, I don't care if I seem crazy.
Please stop talking to your ex.

Anything for you,
you know that.

College was weird.
I was worried about being liked,

so I let my roommate think we
were dating for three months.

We broke up at her sorority formal.

Oh, nobody could snuggle like Daisy.

Did you say Dr Cox was coming at 8?

Oh, I'm sure he'll be here soon.

I kissed a dude once.
It was at furnace camp.

You're a little drunk, and you know
what happens when you get drunk.

You get "handsy".
Now control yourself.

It's tough making
new friends in Milwaukee.

I said control yourself!

If people aren't getting to know you,
they're missing out.

- Do you think so?
- I do.

I knew what would happen

if I reached over and brushed
the hair out of her eyes.

But I didn't do that.

I should get going.

I'm sorry.

Well, if it isn't
Marginally Attractive and the Beast.

How did the Porsche drive?

Wait, why did we just go out
if you already have his car?

Oh, my goodness.

He actually tricked you into a date.

This is so very delicious
and filling,

I don't think I can
eat the rest of the evening.

I honestly don't think I can have one
more bite of your painful humiliation.

I find I'm just a little stuffed.

I will take my keys to go, though.

You're unbelievable.

You're the only one around here
that treats me like a real person.

What did you just say?

There was one other girl
a few years ago. Red-haired doctor.

She ate lunch with me until
the residents made fun of her.

They called her "janitor lunch-eater".

Not the most clever group.

Anyway,

I know you don't think about me
the way that I think about you,

and I never really believed
that you would or that you could.

But just pretending
for today somehow

made me feel good for a change.

I'm sorry.

You know what? It's OK.

I actually had a good time.

Thanks.

Elliot.

Kylie, I'm sorry.
I hope it's OK that I stopped by.

What was that for?

I was thinking about how patient
you've been, how right things feel.

Then you showed up,
and it feels like fate.

Wait, are you saying
that you're ready?

Awesome.

First, let me set the mood.

You're right, it is fate.
I was out with this girl tonight

that I could have had sex with,
but it was easy to blow her off.

I was excited to be with you.

Why have you stopped
lighting incense?

It makes the room
smell like Chinese rain.

You blew me off tonight
to be with some random girl?

She's not a random girl. I had
a crush on her long before I met you.

I will kill you.

You should go.

I was in trouble. If I didn't play my
cards right, I knew what could happen.

Unfortunately,
that's what did happen.

See, that's the thing about trying
to have your cake and eating it, too.

If you make the slightest mistake,
you wind up getting neither.

We can fix that.

You guys are out.
You guys are back in. Where's Margo?

At a Ludacris concert
with her birth mom.

I lose my van to him,
and I lose Margo to gangster rap.

Bad day.

Who wants to risk something important
just for a silly piece of cake?

I did it.

Cut off all ties
with Rosanna. Forever.

Baby, that took, like, 20 seconds.
How'd you do that so quickly?

It was easy. I told her I was married.

You've been talking
to a girl you used to sleep with,

and you never told her
you were married?

She never asked.

It's no big deal.

Because if you're lucky, maybe you
won't be married for much longer.

Baby. Baby!