Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 6 - My Advice to You - full transcript

It's nice when Carla's family comes to
town, because she cleans our apartment.

A pancake in the silverware drawer?

Why is there silverware
in the pancake drawer?

Those nuts are for my brother.
Please don't eat them all.

Why you making a big deal
about your brother coming?

My baby brother, I practically raised
him. Get along with him this time.

If you do,
I promise to fulfil your fantasy.

But not with the weird outfit
or those toys.

- So normal sex?
- If I'm not sleeping.

Deal.

What's up? Something happen
at her mother's funeral?



This is a rental and I got the mileage
up here. No joy-riding, comprende?

Turk. This is my brother, Marco.

Sorry for your loss.

I mean, who wears a vest
to a funeral anyway?

The amazing thing wasn't
that Carla's brother hated Turk.

It's that he could keep it up
without speaking the same language.

Dude, you were wearing a vest.
Vesto.

I had my own problems.
Elliot had a boyfriend,

but I was still crazy about her
and she wasn't making it any easier.

- What are you doing?
- All the beds are taken. Scoot.

Bunk with the Todd.

JD, you know that
he is a sleep-humper.

Sometimes when I'm banging this
mattress, I'm thinking about that one.

Hello?
Sean? Where are you?



The west coast of New Zealand?
I'm in the on-call room.

- JD's here. Say "hi".
- Hey, Sean.

Oh, you wanted to keep talking?

How can you get over someone
when you're around them all the time?

This night could not get any worse.

Todd.

You're having a dream. Wake up.

Dude. I am awake.

I'm worried about our giant nanny.

When the fridge is empty, she looks
at our son like a plate of ribs.

Should have hired the skinny model.

If she ate Jack,
she'd throw up right after.

I got board meetings all day.
See you for dinner.

- Doug!
- I don't wanna be a doctor!

Fine. I'll tell you how it ends.

Dr Phil says, "And how
is that working out for you?"

Then the big fat lady cries.
All right.

I'm sure you're wondering
why I'm residency director

considering my disdain
for... well... all of you.

Is it the extra $4 a week
in my paycheque,

or is it that I have a chance to make a
difference in this godforsaken hellhole.

It's all about the $4, trust me.

And seeing as my money is contingent
on you lemmings doing your jobs,

I'd say now is a pretty good time
for you to scurry on back to work

so that I can afford the
anti-depressants that keep me so jolly.

Go!

Say, Angela.

I think he means me, Angela.
I wonder what I did now.

This new gig is a great opportunity
for me and I want it to go well.

For some reason,
these bobble-heads look up to you,

so it would make my life one hell of a
lot easier if you got in line behind me.

No problem.

I guess people can surprise you.

- We'd still die.
- We'd still what?

If the elevator cable snapped,
even if we jumped before impact,

we'd be crushed to death.

- I wish I'd taken the stairs.
- Me too.

Sorry, sometimes I have this
inner monologue in my head.

Inner monologue? Weirdo!

This is my floor.

Lucky bastard.

- What did I miss?
- It's come to my attention...

It came to his attention.

...family of critically ill
patients complained

because of the small amount of time
you spend with their loved ones.

In Dr Murphy's case,
that's a good thing.

Sir, if I could take this chance
to explain my high mortality rate...?

I'll do that.
You're a bad doctor.

Complaints are a stone's throw
away from lawsuits.

So from this point on, I don't care
how bleak a patient's prognosis is,

you'll give each and every one
the same amount of your time.

Unfortunately, our residency director
felt differently.

Dead. Dead.

Dead, dead, and... Oh, my goodness,

if we don't have somebody here
we might be able to help.

Miss Barto is 36, septic
and in respiratory failure.

Dr Weiss, draw up three sets
of surveillance cultures.

- Mr Murphy...
- Dr Murphy?

Just go ahead and get a stat ABG.

We're going to try
to wean her off of the vent today,

so I want all of you to
give her most of your attention.

I say we listen to Dr Cox
and do exactly what he says.

That's unbelievable.

But earlier,
Dr Kelso was telling us that...

I don't want to hear anything
out of that man's mouth,

unless it's:
"My God. I'm dying."

"I'm moving towards the light.
Wait, there's been a mistake."

"This is hell.
Hello, Hitler. Hello, Mussolini."

"Captain Kangaroo. That's weird."

Barbie, I would rather listen to you go
on and on about the joys of dolphin sex.

Dolphin trainer sex.
My boyfriend is a trainer.

That's a shame. The whole dolphin thing
used to make you so interesting.

Too bad. We are moving on.

- You heard, people, we're moving on.
- God help me.

God help him.

My God, is there
a sexier woman in the world?

I gotta go. My chin hair is back.

I wish she'd cut it off
and give it to me.

Oh, God.

I don't mind sitting alone at movies.
But eating alone is sad and pathetic.

- Are you stalking me?
- No.

My sister had a baby.
I'm doing the aunt thing.

Plus it's an excuse
to run away from a relationship.

My boyfriend just dumped me,
so now I love him more than ever.

Any chance of you getting back together?

He's engaged to be married in two weeks.
But yeah, I think so.

- Unrequited love sucks, you know?
- Yeah, it does.

Know what we need to do...?

- Danni.
- JD. Hi.

We need to move on, OK?
No waiting for our exes by the phone,

no stealing her purse
to return it

and hope she's so grateful, she'll buy
you a drink and maybe have sex after.

- Did that work?
- I stole the wrong purse.

And yes.

Why don't you play the
game with Marco?

I hate Pac-Man.

Really? You have bed sheets
that indicate otherwise.

Fine. Ask him.

Did somebody say cheese? If you're gonna
make a cheese-run, holla at me.

Baby, when we left
the Dominican Republic,

Marco never wanted to learn English.
He went to school in Puerto Rico.

Imagine what it's like
to feel like an outsider

because you're proud
of your heritage.

Did you say something about cheese?

Miss Barto's systemic
vascular resistance is falling,

so the next couple of hours
are going to be crucial.

The fact that these residents are
spending their time with that patient

makes me think you told them
to disobey a direct order from me.

Bob Kelso, that's not true. I told them
to disregard all direct orders from you.

I know you all think of me
as some heartless monster.

Still, if you grandmother were here,

wouldn't you want her doctor to spend
as much time with her as anyone?

Grandma Dorian or Nana Hobbs? Nana
Hobbs can be an eensy bit racist.

- Grandma Dorian.
- She's dead.

Sometimes what's best for this hospital
is what's best for the patients.

I know it, you know it
and Dr Cox knows it too.

Though he disagrees with me
just because I said it.

Sir, I don't think that's true.

- It's hotter than hell in here.
- Freezing.

- Great coffee.
- Rat piss.

Dr Murphy is an incompetent suck-up.

He's one of the finest young doctors
I've ever worked with.

Your witness.

- What are you doing?
- I'm calling my dad.

- Hey, how are you?
- Good.

- So I did it. I talked to my ex.
- And?

I said, "Congratulations, I hope you two
stay happy, and size does matter."

See? That's what happens
when you cut the cord.

You'll be ready for
someone new to come along.

You wanna grab a cup of coffee?

I can't, I got something
really important to do.

Thanks, JD, I'm so tense.
Someone stole my purse.

It'll turn up.

Once the dynamic of a relationship
is established, it rarely changes.

I'm sorry,
but I can't understand you.

Yeah? That talking slower and louder
thing is not as helpful as you think.

Jeez, can you believe this guy?

If the dynamic does change,
it's never as simple as you'd hope.

Hey, Newbie.

I got dinner plans with Jordan
and seeing as you're on call,

why not pull up a chair
in front of Miss Barto?

Especially with somebody
who's used to you following their lead.

I'll take care of her
and I'll have my interns help,

but you know,
I have other patients too, so...

Maybe you didn't understand me,
there, Violet.

I don't want you leaving her side
even if someone sees Justin Timberlake.

Damn it, are you
falling in line with me or not?

I don't think so.

OK, then.

It was strange not doing
what Dr Cox wanted me to do.

Still, I knew I was right.

God. If Jordan knew I was
the reason Dr Cox cancelled dinner,

she'd twist my nipples off.

Calm down, Tiger. She doesn't know.

She knows!

Don't worry, guys.
I'd never let her hurt you.

Baby, there you are.
He speaks English.

- Who?
- Your brother.

Tell her you speak English.

Don't... Qu? my ass.
Qu? my ass.

You saw the whole thing. Tell her.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Turk, I would know
if my own brother speaks English.

JD.

Those pictures of us when we were
going out, do you have those?

Filed in my Elliot cabinet.

I don't know, I might. Why?

The one at the beach where I look good
and you look like Bj?rk?

- Yeah.
- I was hoping you wouldn't mind

if I cut you out and used it in
a collage I'm making for Sean.

- No problem.
- Thanks.

- How's the moving on thing going?
- It's going great, Danni.

In opposite world.

I wanted to say goodbye. I was
gonna stick around a few more days,

but I don't really feel
like there's a reason to.

- Is there?
- Probably not.

- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.

Dude, we just met. I was kidding.

That's good.
No, I was doing the same thing.

Drive safe.

Hey, Barbie.

How about you sashay over here,
push those bangs out of your face,

and keep those peepers
on Miss Barto's haemodynamics?

First, I've got to discharge Mr Hale,
get a stat CT on Mrs Peterson,

then perform a thong extrication
on Ms Reid.

Hey, your last name is Reid.

Doug, I have underwear in my butt.

After that,
I'll totally swing back by here.

You're losing them. Don't get me wrong.
You had me worried

there was gonna be a bunch
of young Dr Coxes roaming the halls,

calling me Bobbo, shaving my genitals
when I pass out at the Christmas party.

- Tradition is tradition, Bob.
- Yeah.

Then I remembered
you've been here 10 years

and there's not a disciple of yours
to be found. You know why?

You told them this story
and bored them to death?

No. It's because eventually they start
questioning the gospel according to Cox

and you can't handle that.
Can you?

- Hey, jackass.
- Hello, Mark.

- I'm guessing Carla's not around?
- She's in the bathroom.

Hey, baby,
give me some of that minty breath.

Not in front of my brother. That stuff
always makes him uncomfortable.

Oh, really? I wanted to apologise
for the way I've been acting,

by loving you up and down,
and all around.

- Turk!
- He can't understand you.

Let's put your footprints
on the ceiling.

- That's it, you son of a bitch.
- I told you.

So black people can get black eyes too.
Who knew?

I haven't had one this bad since
Nana Hobbs threw that rock.

She thought you were robbing the house.

JD. Miss Barto's
completely stabilized.

I don't want to see you
around here any more, OK?

All right, you all got work to do.

Newbie, maybe I wasn't clear enough
with you about Miss Barto?

Here it comes. I'm incompetent,

I'm a girl with pigtails
that rides a tricycle.

No. Well, yes.
But I'm honestly trying to tell you

I don't think I was being
clear with you before.

In fact, I think
I was being a pretty lousy teacher.

Look, putting one in the win column
every now and then

gives us the juice to keep pluggin'
along in games that we know, deep down,

we're not gonna win.

That's why I locked in
so intensely with that patient.

Because opportunities, they...
They come along so rarely in this place.

And when they do, you can't let them
slip through your fingers. You cannot.

You know?

I think I do.

I wasn't sure what I was hoping for.
That Danni had decided not to leave,

that she'd snapped her leg
in the parking lot.

- Danni!
- Yo.

All I knew was that
I had missed an opportunity.

Sorry, sweetie.

Sorry, sweetie.

And Turk, you don't mind if now and
then, Marco and I speak Spanish?

Baby, fo' shizzle dizzle.

Do your thizzle,
cos I'm up out this pizzle.

Church.

See, we got our own secret language too.

No one knew her last name.
No one even remembered seeing her.

I started to wonder
if Danni was even real.

I guess that's
the thing about life. You...

- Hey, JD.
- Excuse me.

You don't really get
many second chances.

Danni, hi.

Sorry, sometimes I have this
inner monologue in my head.

Oh. Weirdo.

I'm having dinner with my sister
but I'm leaving after that.

Don't. Stay here with me,
we'll get that cup of coffee.

I'm not gonna stick around for one.

OK, two cups and some pie.

Finally, I found a girl
with no complications.

I see you've met my sister.

Oh, come on.