Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 22 - My Best Friend's Wedding - full transcript

I convinced Elliot to dump her
boyfriend and be with me,

then told her I didn't love her.

Still, we're good friends, so if I give
her some space, everything will be fine.

Since Turk's family's in town for his
wedding, I'm staying at her apartment.

We have to go.

My lips are bleeding.
Can you hand me a tissue?

What do you think?
Extra groomsman?

Don't worry, Rowdy.
I'm marrying their sister.

Baby, check this out. You ain't
gonna believe what I did with Rowdy.

You're not allowed to see me
on our wedding day, you idiot.

- She's mulling it over.
- I just figured it out.



It's a reality show
where our sister convinces us

she's gonna marry some obnoxious...

We haven't really had a chance
to talk yet. I'm Mama Turk.

- How you doing?
- Damn, that looks painful.

I want you guys to get along today.

I hope you die.

- After the wedding.
- Thank you.

- Help me wax my brow.
- Okey-dokey.

I do.

And then it's classy kiss

or sexy kiss

or slutty kiss.

- That looks like fun. Can I help?
- Help this.

Maybe you should pay attention.



Really?

How thin did you want those?

Turk and I have to go.

Turk and I had made a pact.

The day one of us got married we'd play
a last round of tennis-ball golf

as single best friends.

- Look out, Tiger.
- That'll play.

Hell, yeah.

And the guy getting married
has to caddy for the other guy, naked.

He'll be fine. I can't believe
you're actually getting married.

Me neither, buddy.

Where's the fuzzy cover
for my one wood?

- It's on my nine wood.
- Dude, my mom made that.

Still, I'm happy for you man.

Me too.

Great. I think I'm getting a pimple.

Is this noticeable?

I'll ask someone else.

- Hide the bride. I found him.
- We're heading over to St John's.

- Not Holy Trinity?
- St John's is cheaper.

- The priest looks like Captain Sulu.
- That's at Trinity.

- I wanted to be married by Sulu.
- Are you coming now or not?

If I work, I can finagle
two extra days on the honeymoon.

- Nice use of finagle.
- Thanks.

I get out at four.
The ceremony's at five.

Worst-case scenario, I'm a little late.

Do it.

Dude, there's a nervous bride,
a woman I scorned,

and two sisters with three eyebrows.

See you at five.

How are you doing
with this whole JD thing?

I can't believe that on this day
you would worry about how I'm doing.

- You're such an amazing friend.
- Don't do this.

I promised I wouldn't get emotional
until after we took the pictures.

- I just love you so much.
- I love you, too.

Even though I ripped off
your sister's eyebrow?

This morning she actually said
she was gonna look better than me.

Not anymore.

There is a man filming us.

He's just doing our wedding video.
Hi, Anthony.

What's up?

Oh, my God. You're actually
getting married in a few hours.

Everything's gonna be so different.

You never have to have sex again
except when you want to.

I know.

Erase that last part.

So, are you ready for your appendectomy?

What do you do
with an appendix afterwards?

- We make finger puppets.
- Don't mind Dr Turk here.

He's excited
because he's getting married today.

I, on the other hand, am the only person
in the hospital not to be invited.

It's a really small wedding, and you're
an amazing boss and I feel bad about it.

There's a wedding brunch tomorrow.

It's only for family and close friends,
and we'd love for you to be there.

That would mean the world to me.

I didn't think you were gonna say yes.
There's no brunch.

That's gonna cost me.

Jordan, get out of bed.
We got a wedding to go to.

Perry, Jack is at my mom's.

The apartment is empty.
It's just you and me.

Let's sleep through the ceremony
and then go to the reception.

Can we at least have sex?

Do what you have to. Don't wake me.

- Ted. Church.
- We do mostly Bar Mitzvahs.

- Hey, JZ.
- Holla.

For some reason
this woman wants you to usher her.

- What are you doing here?
- We RSVP'd when we were dating.

- You can't crash my friend's wedding.
- I'll go halfsies on a gift.

Right this way, please.

Dude, that pickup line you gave me for
all the Spanish chicks is not working.

Maybe you're saying it wrong.
Let's hear it.

That's right. Keep trying.

I agree with Chet.
Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome.

This is an awesome wedding
and I'm having an awesome time

and you two are gonna have
an awesome life.

- Awesome.
- Hold my gum.

Give me that appendix. Let's close
this guy up and I'm outta here.

Wait. Look at those lesions
on his peritoneum.

What do you think we should do?

- Leave a Post-it for the next guy?
- Try again.

Perform an exploratory laparotomy.
I need a phone.

Everybody, we're gonna get started soon,

so if everyone could please
turn off your cellphones.

Go for the Todd. Turk, I can't talk
right now. I'm at your wedding.

Give me that.

Carla, it's Turk.

- Where are the other bridesmaids?
- They're out buying an eyebrow.

On Saturday, with Eyebrows,
Eyebrows, Eyebrows closed?

They're gonna have to go
across town to the Eyebrow Hut.

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Go back three days and keep me
from throwing away my life for you.

That second I knew how to make things
right if I just had the time.

- You're gonna be late?
- Sweet.

- What did you say?
- Nothing, girl.

- Wedding wishes?
- Hey, kids.

I just wanna wish you two
all the luck in the world.

The key to marriage is...

Look.

- Ted, do I look ready?
- Sorry.

Everybody sit down. Cover your eyes.

Turk got held up in surgery,

but if you just hold on for a few
minutes, everything will be perfect.

Don't look. I'll be back in a minute.

I knew that jackass would screw this up.

- Did you dis my friend Turk?
- What are you gonna do, meathead?

My friend, I'm about to make you
look very silly.

Things are starting to heat up.

I wonder how Sean took it
when Elliot dumped him.

You wouldn't know
if Sean Kelley lives here?

Hey, JD.

Thanks for the buck.

Honey, are you waking up?

- Why are you in such a hurry?
- I'm not in any kind of hurry.

- Did you dress me?
- Fine. Carla scares me.

She may be small,
but she has very powerful legs.

When we get to the reception,

you will just say what a beautiful
ceremony it was and it will be peachy.

Trust me, we're not missing anything.

Hey, babe, got any wedding wishes?

This is a great wedding.
I'm having so much fun.

There's a lot of cute boys here.
I'm just having so much fun.

These guys kiss really good.
And I like everyone's clothes.

Me and your roommate didn't really
work out, but we're still friends.

- Ted, I will kill you.
- Won't happen again.

You know the drill, people.

There's another wedding scheduled.

Don't go there, Padre. He'll be here.

- Please.
- Go. I can finish from here.

Thank you.

So, Sean, you look woolly.

Since Elliot left me,
my life's fallen apart.

It's been four days, which, by the way,
makes the beard all the more impressive.

I'm a quarter Hungarian.

- What do you want?
- I didn't steal Elliot from you.

She just panicked cos
you were moving in.

I don't know.

If you have any guts at all,
you will show up at this wedding,

take her into your hairy arms
and tell her you want her back.

You should probably shower first.

I can't believe he's not here yet.

Don't worry. I made it.

- I don't care about you, you idiot.
- They had pre-marital sex.

Miss Espinosa, if your fianc?
is not here in the next 30 seconds,

I'm gonna have to pull the plug.

- Do you ever miss the ladies?
- A little.

I would too.

- Are you close yet?
- I'm here.

Start it up,
and I'll meet you at the altar.

It's for real this time, people.

Can I help you, young man?

Mr Sulu?

No, son.

Hey, baby. I got mixed up. Is there
still time if I race over there?

No.

Hey, baby. How's the party?

I'll just stand here
and be quiet for a little while.

- Just a club soda, I'm driving.
- It's an open bar, cutie.

Give me a bucket of Scotch.
Sport, take these and keep moving.

There she is.
Do something charming.

Check it out.
Kelso gave me his car keys.

- What are you doing?
- Thinking of ways to make things right.

You can cross off "Keys in the face."
Honestly, there's nothing you can do.

Hey, Elliot.

I'm sorry. I get excited.

What do you mean, disaster?
This is an amazing wedding.

I know we didn't actually get married,
but tonight we're gonna rip it up.

Then we hop on a plane to the Bahamas,

where you and I can get married tomorrow
amongst the fishes and mermaids.

- Mermaids aren't real.
- I know what I saw.

- Why isn't the band playing?
- In a word, shrimps.

Nasty one-day-old shrimp.

The band got into them while
we was waiting for your sorry ass.

Girl, you are wearing that dress.

No music. I swear,
I am this close to losing it.

- Carla.
- It's OK.

That was one of the most beautiful
ceremonies that I've ever seen.

- Boy.
- You think that's funny?

Why would you wanna hurt me?

Shame on you.

So, open bar?

Get out while you can.

I'm happy.

- Happy wedding, nerd.
- Keep walking, dragon.

- How's it going?
- You wore your uniform to a wedding?

I wasn't invited to the wedding.
I just work here on weekends.

- Who's that?
- My date.

Forks. Franny, forks.

- Are forks where the big money is?
- Forks and ladles.

- So, what have you been up to?
- Doctor stuff. You?

I was crying a lot and then
I got really emotionally numb.

And I jammed a salad fork
two inches into my thigh

- to see if I could still feel the pain.
- And?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Do you wanna get out of here?

I don't know what JD told you,

but if we're gonna give this
another try, you need to know

I didn't end things because I was
freaking out about us living together.

JD and I have this history, and
I actually thought he might be the one.

But I just ended up
getting my heart broken.

It sucks, doesn't it?

Carla. I apologise. I am a horse's ass.

It's not you. It's everything.

Ever since I was little, I had this
fairy-tale idea of the perfect wedding.

And I always ended up married.

Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I
aren't married and we get along great.

Per? Is making out
with a stranger cheating?

Technically,
not if it's under ten seconds, dear.

Not worth it.

Look, you and Turk were meant to be
together. It's fate, and you know it.

Thank you.

- I shouldn't be drinking.
- I know.

Carla's dying. It's rally time.
We have no band, no deejay.

You're my best man. Brainstorm.

Remember that party
when the stereo went out

and I hooked up
with that grad student from Brazil?

- That was awesome.
- You made out with a little person.

I thought she was kneeling. Ted.

Can you play
a little music for us, buddy?

It'll cost double
what you paid us for the church.

Here's 20.

And here's four back.

So, mind if we start with some Tupac?

- Kick it.
- All right.

So, call me if you ever wanna
get drunk and have sex.

Bye, Sean.

- Can I have a ride home?
- Well, sure.

You can't let him drive her home.
She says thank you the naughty way.

It's not happening.
If we were meant to be together,

I never would've gone home with you
and sabotaged everything I had with him.

You and I are gonna be OK, right?

What do you think?

Probably not.

Let me know when we are.

Don't hold your breath.

Dr Turkelton.

Actually, sir, it's Turk.

That's your first name.

You think my name is Turk Turkelton?

And Mrs Turkelton.

The Turkeltons.

Can I get a Scotch?

Hey, baby.

I'm so sorry
I messed everything up, baby.

Don't be.

Let's dance.

Set me up, Ted.

Hi. We haven't used instruments
in a long time,

so bear with us if we're a little rusty.

One, two, three.

I guess, in the end, things seldom
work out exactly the way you expect.

- Our plane leaves in an hour.
- I just gotta check on my patient.

How's it going, Mr Fitzpatrick?

Sometimes fate is on your side.

Actually, it's Father Fitzpatrick.

Could you do us a quick favour?

Other times,
you've kind of sealed your own fate.

You have to trust that whatever's
supposed to happen will happen.

Somehow you always seem to end up
with the person you're meant to be with.

One, two, three.

- Thanks for helping out.
- I'm only going as far as the dumpster.