Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 21 - My Drama Queen - full transcript

When you're dating a woman

whose husband just died
after two years in a coma,

you can't help but have doubts
about the relationship.

I guess all you can do is
be a man and face those doubts.

What are you thinking about?

Eggs.

One minute they're bad for you,
now everybody's,

"You tried eggs? They're great."
It's crazy.

- Eggs.
- You know what? Forget I asked.

What?

I really wanted tonight
to be romantic.



Sweetie, it is.

No, exactly how much feeling

am I supposed to lose
in my extremities?

Just enough so it still hurts.

Still, things are going pretty well
with me and Jamie.

Looks like rope burn to me.

Oh, no, this is a rash
from my new watch.

They didn't tell me
the band was made of...

Cat.

Elliot, check out these wedding dresses.

I'm so proud of you right now.

This is exactly like the dress I bought.

I didn't buy a wedding dress. I'm not
dating anybody, so that would be crazy,

whether it was half off or not.



There is not one good thing
about a wedding I can't afford.

Turk, I know it's silly,
and I know it's only for one day,

but ever since I was a little girl

all I wanted to do
was have a big, beautiful wedding.

What's the name of that designer
you love so much?

She made that gown? Vera?

Wang.

You're the only two doctors

immature enough
to laugh at the name Vera Wang.

- Hello.
- Go ahead.

What? Vera Wang
makes very beautiful gowns.

Plus, her last name
is a very funny word for penis.

Who's with me? Air-five.

- Shorts, huh?
- Yeah.

I don't get to wear shorts
cos I'm a lowly janitor?

- I didn't say lowly.
- So now I'm a janitor?

Yes.

- Have you been drinking?
- I'm not drunk.

I love your shorts.
I wish I had a pair just like them.

OK, the angioplasty went well.

But here's the thing.
It is on you, partner.

Watch what you eat so that
we can kick this thing in the ass.

- It's on you, partner.
- Oh, gosh, Shannon.

Thank you so much for clarifying
my point by repeating it word for word.

In a reciprocal gesture,

am I included in the planning
of your coming-out party?

- Is that a gay joke?
- No, it's a cotillion joke.

My God, Newbie, it's been
two furiously frustrating years.

How is it possible
that you still don't get me?

I would never compare you
to the gays. I like the gays.

I like their music.
I like their sense of style.

I like what they've done with Halloween.

But our thing
is that you're a little girl.

That's who you are.
But that's not fair...

Man, once Dr Cox gets on a roll,
nothing can derail him.

My mom died.

Except that.

Thank you for coming.
I know you're busy.

It's tough working in a hospital.
No matter what is going on in your life,

you have to dive right back
into the middle of things.

So anyway, you said you like mine.

I had the wife
whip up a pair for you.

- You like 'em?
- Do I like 'em?

The other day I was asking myself,

how can I display my package

in a way that's alluring
and professional?

Well, there's your answer.

To be young and in shorts.

- Are you ready for bed?
- Oh, I'm ready.

A lot can change in a week.

Scoot. Can you hand
my mouth guard to me?

Thanks.

JD, if things have fizzled,
I could scout her out for you.

Things haven't fizzled.

Last night, we made ice cubes
out of orange juice. Step off.

OK, gang, before we begin,

Dr Kelso wants me to remind you

of the legal ramifications

of all your teensy snafus.

Teensy snafus?

Good God, Ted.
It's not a Dr Seuss story.

Now, listen up, nametags.

Over 50 per cent of our lawsuits
can be traced back

to poor patient-doctor communication.

To that end, if any of you still feel
the need to flap your babble holes,

you will be joining me
in my new daily seminar

on doctor-patient relations.

My first invitee will be Dr Murphy,
whom I overheard telling someone,

"Stop bleeding,
oh, God, please stop bleeding."

- It was a gusher.
- Next catastrophe.

Idiots.

I hate him so much.

Save it for our weekend bike ride.

Would you like to try
one of my world-famous devilled eggs?

No, thank you,
I've already had diarrhoea.

Carla,
I just wanted to see how you're...

It's always tough when you
have to bury your old mom, isn't it?

- How was your mother's funeral?
- Don't know, skipped it.

My aunt told my father
it was very moving.

Gosh.

Wow, the past and the present.

Whenever I see two women
I've been intimate with

talking to each other,
I always have the same fantasy.

C'mon, ladies.

It's right hand, left hand,
shoulder pop, jump.

- What you talking about?
- Not the Rerun Dance.

I tell her way too much.

You left some stuff at my apartment.

- Thanks.
- See ya.

Wanna know why things with Jamie
are so lamey?

- We're doing fine.
- She's clearing you out.

Wrong. She came by because
she knows today at work I need my

squash goggles.

I have to saw something later.

She's a drama queen, JD.

When her husband was in a coma,
it was taboo and exciting,

but now that it's OK
for you to be together,

the relationship's got no snap.

It's got no crackle.

JD, it's got no pop.

I know, because I'm a drama queen, too.

Well, Jamie's not like you, OK?

No pop!

Nine pounds in a week?
Let me ask you a quick question.

Are you trying
to make my head explode?

Because you have no idea
just how frustrating it is

working your ass off trying to inflate

a tiny little balloon
inside someone's clogged artery

and all that person has to do, really,
is, I don't know,

go for a walk in the morning
or choke down a fresh green salad

and you come back here
looking like that.

I know. Here I am,
supposed to be Dr Give-A-Crap.

You wanna know the God's honest truth?
This is a fact. You are what you eat.

You clearly went out
and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

See, Dr Cox,
this is the sort of hostile behaviour

that can cause us legal difficulty.

Ted, I just might rip that tie
off your neck

and jam it down your oesophagus.

I think you proved at Nurse Roberts'
above-ground pool party

- that doesn't solve anything.
- Dammit, you can't just go around

browbeating nut jobs
and bullying fatties.

I'm not a resident, so I'm not
going to your lame-ass seminar

so in essence there, Big Bob,

there's really nothing
you can do to me at all, is there?

Hello, class.
My name is Dr Perry Cox.

I'm going to be your teacher.

No.

You OK?

Great.
What are you doing home so early?

I just came to check on you.

You looking at pictures?

Yeah.

I know she was old.

Still, she was my best friend.

I mean, what are you supposed to do
without your mom?

You can let your man
fill a little bit of the hole she left.

She would like that.

- Baby, she hated me.
- Yeah, she did.

- Holy...
- Calm down.

- I didn't mean to scare you.
- Why are we whispering?

To see if you would whisper
because I whispered.

- I think I would.
- Anyway, what's the deal?

We're shorts buddies today.
You saw the schedule.

Monday, Tuesday, shorts,
Wednesday, wash 'em,

Thursday, Friday. Weekend, optional.
I'll be wearing shorts.

You know, I was gonna wear them,
but someone stole 'em.

- What? Let me see.
- Yes.

As a doctor, you get good
at thinking on your feet.

I protected the janitor's feelings.

Plus, he totally bought it.

This burger's really meaty.

I'm serious. You can taste all the meat.

You know, I'm actually
gonna go put my sweats on.

You're wearing sweats.

You know, I gotta get up early,

so maybe you should crash
at your place tonight.

She probably does have to
get up early. So just be cool.

I'm sorry.
It was a total accident, I just...

Don't lie to me. I asked you to go,
so you punched through my coffee table.

Oh, my God,
she does want drama.

Sometimes you make me so crazy.

Come here, I'll take care of you.

This is totally normal. In relationships
you have to roll with the punches.

Even the ones you don't see coming.

If there were anything I could do
to make you feel better, I'd do it.

Let's get married now.

She wants to get married now?

- She says spontaneity is romantic.
- Wow, that is romantic.

- So how pregnant is she?
- She's not pregnant.

I was getting really psyched
for this whole wedding.

The dancing, the band.
You'd hook up with Carla's sister.

- Which one?
- The drunkest one.

There's no bachelor party,
and you being the best man,

I know you would've hooked it up.

All right, guys, let's make it happen.

Dude.

It would've been awesome.

I'm having a hard time
getting excited about all of this.

You work here so I guess we could do
the whole ceremony for 40 bucks.

Praise Jesus!

As for my relationship,
I was doing anything I could

to keep the drama alive.

Jamie and I are gonna be together,
and I don't care what you think, Mom.

Because I don't want salad, that's why.

Jamie and I will be together.
I don't care what you think, Dad.

I'm warning you,
stop eyeballing my woman.

Actually, JD, I think it was that guy.

No, it was definitely that guy.

Unfortunately,
I was running out of ideas.

- How's the drama queen doing?
- I don't know, how are you?

- Why can't you admit I'm right?
- Because you're not right.

No pop.

What was that all about?

I wouldn't stoop this low for drama.

Well, we used to be a couple.

Now you're in the picture,
who wants me back?

- Fine, I'd stoop.
- She better watch it.

Lester, honey, I don't want you
using the stove on your own.

Nurse, I asked for an extra pillow
an hour ago.

I'm talking to my husband.
Why don't you get your own pillow?

What?

And they stuck you in here for that?

I apologised to the old man.
Anybody can have a bad day.

And what about you there, Beavis?

Oh, uh...

You know, I'm getting a little tired
of the sexual innuendo.

In your endo.

That's great stuff.

Ted, why don't you be a sport
and get us started?

- People, we're here today...
- Snore.

New idea. All clam up for an hour
so I can get some shuteye.

- Oh, and nervous guy?
- Yes, Dr Cox?

If I were you, I'd swallow that
entire mouthful of baby carrots.

If I hear you make
one more damn crunch,

I'll use the rest of the carrots in that
bag to make you completely airtight.

- Hey, Jamie.
- Hey, slut.

I can totally explain
why Jamie said that.

You know Turk says, "Hey, player,"
when he means, "Hey, buddy."

Jamie's from Cincinnati
and in Cincinnati they say "Hey, slut."

Neat.

Are you sure
you're happy we're doing this?

Are you kidding?
It's my ideal wedding.

It's cheap, there's no hassle,

plus you said
you'd call my mom and explain.

No, I didn't.

- What's in it for me?
- This.

My God!

Give me the phone.
I'll call her right now.

- You are such a mama's boy.
- Please. Dial Mommy.

Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach.

If I wanted somebody
to lay around and do nothing,

I would've wheeled in a corpse,
or my housekeeper, Rosalba.

Captain Clip-On.
Did you go ahead and tattle on me?

Oh, please, with the shocked look.

Newsflash, I'm sterile.

I mean, gutless.

My guys swim in circles.

I think it's the bike riding.

- Hey, Elliot.
- Hey, slut!

- Excuse me?
- Carla!

Could you give us a second?
I got to talk to her privately.

Thank you.

I just wanted to say
you were right about Jamie.

What does Jamie
think you're doing here?

Saying not to show up at
my apartment drunk, naked, crying.

You know what's weird?
I really like this girl,

but I'm not sure I carry it on
without all the drama.

You have to gamble that once the drama's
gone, there'll be something there.

If not, it's her loss.
Still, if it helps...

Thanks.

OK, here we go.

When hospital employees
fail to communicate with patients,

there are ethical
and legal ramifications that lead

to financial hardship
and grievances against...

...doctors.

This is useless. I thought we
were going to learn something.

Barbie? Why did they toss you in here?

They didn't. I'm auditing.

Fine.

If you wanna know the real skinny.

If you wanna be good doctors and nurses,

you'd damn sure better get ready
to get in trouble a lot,

because patients are stupid
and they are really scared.

Some of them need you
to hold their hands, and you should.

Others need you to kick their asses,
and you should do that too.

It comes down to whether
you have the guts to say

what you know in your heart of hearts
you really should say...

So, Ted, how's Professor Cox doing?

Excellent, sir.

You know what else?

- I quit.
- No, you don't.

Well, I'm leaving early.

No, you're coming to my office
and doing busy work.

Fine, but I'm getting a soda first.

Whatever.

- Doctor...
- Janitor.

- What's that smell?
- I don't know.

Although it smells a little bit like
the truth.

My poor wife slaved over these.

She just cut off a pair of scrubs
and hemmed the bottom.

- What's the big deal?
- What's the big deal?

The Lord didn't bless my wife
with all ten fingers.

She's only got pointer and thumb-pinky.

Look, I'm sorry, OK,
for so many things.

But I'm a doctor.
I can't really wear shorts to work.

- You can't wear shorts to work?
- Nope.

- You can't wear shorts to work?
- Not allowed.

Thanks.
What's up with the man-thong?

Oh, nothing,
I'm just trying to mend some fences.

Do you think Elliot's somewhere
right now, crying her eyes out?

Oh, without a doubt.

But not about me.

I kinda made all that stuff up.

It just seems like
you and I only really click

when something crazy's going on.

I guess I don't really wanna be
in a relationship like that.

- Is that an ultimatum?
- No, Jamie.

No, it's not an ultimatum.
It's just something to think about.

Oh, shoot, I gotta go.

- You guys are having problems?
- Yeah.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Well, it's just not a wedding without
a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, is it?

- Are you ready, sweetie?
- Since the day I met you.

Sometimes it takes a priest to keep you
from making a big mistake.

Christopher, before we begin,
remind me of the bride's name.

Carla.

I know it's silly and it's only for
one day, but since I was a little girl,

all I wanted to do
was have a big, beautiful wedding.

- Baby, you don't wanna do this.
- What?

Since your mother passed,
you've been feeling lonely

and like you don't have any family.

I'm your family now,
whether we do it like this

or we wait and do it
like you've always wanted to.

Holy cow, talk about
your gigantic time wasters.

Tell me about it.

Lighten up, slut!

What now?

I think relationships can be defined
by big moments that don't happen.

Or by the little ones that do.

That's the stuff.

But once you get past the drama
it's actually pretty simple.

All we have to do is whatever it takes
to make her happy.

4,606?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.