Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 9 - My Day Off - full transcript

As a first-year intern,
you have little free time.

When you have a night off, it's
important you do something constructive.

- How's it goin'?
- l have no idea who you are.

What's up, dude?

Wait a second. He's dating Carla.

This is not good.

First, l already told her
l got a girlfriend.

Second, you just put
your bare lips on my ear.

- How's it going? l'm...
- JD, l know.

He won't stop talking about you.
l'm Jennifer.

Do you really spend every day
saving children's lives?



Tell the nice lady.

l do what l can.

lt's on! lt's on.

- lt's on!
- Oh, yeah.

I know two things about bars.

One, they're packed
Thanksgiving week.

Two, put a beer in my hand
and I'm Mr Smooth.

l was laughing so hard,
milk was coming out of my nose.

l once tripped over an lV
and blood shot over everyone.

A little got on my nose.

Every damn day, saving those children.

Who wants margaritas?!
Dude, less blood, more fruity drinks.

Right.

Turk hasn't changed a bit since college.



He's the same goof ball
who tells me how to be cooler.

Dude.

- This girl's hot. So don't blow it.
- Why do you say that?

Because you're like a 24-hour
convenience store. You never close.

That sounds like a Fat Albert joke.

Don't worry about it, l feel good
tonight, know what l'm saying?

Good.

Except for this stabbing pain
in my side.

Up all night with a high fever,
cramping and crying.

- Dude!
- My bad.

Not crying, punching the wall all manly
and angry like, you know what l mean?

See ya later, buddy.

Poor Bambi. Don't worry.
Carla will take care of you.

- Make sure he's admitted right away.
- All right.

On the bright side, it'll be interesting
to see what it's like to be a patient.

You know people die here?

You're a good friend.

l do what l can.
Can l have your stuff?

So did you talk to any girls last night?

l'm an attractive man,
we both know this.

lt's a burden
you're gonna have to live with.

One of many.

JD talked some girl up.

Really? Are you gonna call her?

Not right away.

Showtime.
Clear out so l can check him out.

You're examining me? l don't want you
to see my unmentionables.

l've seen underwear before.

l use the word unmentionables
for my genitals as well.

68-year-old male
with respiratory distress...

Save your breath.

Hello, Dad.

Never thought you'd call me that again,
after l left.

- Dr Cox!
- Relax, Carla.

The man l'm smothering
isn't my father.

Dr Benson used to be
Chief of Medicine here.

Hi, how are you?

Still have that great rapport
with the nurses?

Carla totally gets me. That's why l've
systematically tried to drive her away.

Ever see that therapist l recommended?

Not yet, no.

Shortness of breath? Dizziness?
Problems urinating?

No. No...
ls it a problem if it whistles?

You're making this so much easier.
Are you sexually active?

lt's active.

l'll write ''rare dry spell''
in the margin.

OK, time for the physical.

Cold hands.

Suck it up!

Elliot's exam was reminiscent of when my
older brother beat the crap out of me.

God!

See, it wasn't so bad. All done.

l'm puking every hour
and my fever's high,

but you're sure it's OK
for me to be out of bed?

l don't know. Dr Benson was my mentor.
Don't do that annoying thing.

- What annoying thing?
- When you talk.

Come on.

- Does that not drive you crazy?
- You get used to it.

l know you're excited with the gown on
but at no time are you to curtsy.

He can say what he wants.
but he's showing me off.

Dr Benson.

Just give us a second, will ya, big guy?
Did you hear about her?

Watching Dr Cox,
I realised we never really stop

craving the attention
of people we look up to.

Any questions?

Good.

- He seemed nice.
- Careful, Newbie.

l'm hearing it now.
lt is kind of annoying when l talk.

In a lot of relationships, you regress
to the person you were when you met.

So Elliot's exam was that bad?

- Dude, she violated me.
- ln a good way?

What's the deal?

l think l broke my ass!

You're telling everyone l violated you.

Not everyone, just the people
that work here. And my parents.

Was there something wrong
with my exam?

So there it is. The classic trap.
Two choices.

Either wuss out
or tell the truth.

You're kinda rough.

You're rough and
you're a little businesslike.

- You're cold.
- You mean my hands?

Yeah, those too. l just think
you could be more comforting.

I could tell she appreciated
how hard it was for me to say that.

Do you know how annoying
you are when you talk?

Maybe not.

- l was watching that.
- lt's broken.

Dr Cox. Did you get my memo
reminding senior staff

that lab coats
must be worn at all times?

You know, l did get it, Bob,
and at first l just threw it away,

but then l decided that
wasn't a grand enough gesture.

So l made a replica of you
out of straw

and then l put my lab coat on it
with your memo in the pocket,

then invited the neighbourhood kids

to light it on fire
and whack it with sticks.

So, l have been looking
at Dr Benson's chart.

His chest x-ray was normal,

his vitals are stable,
so let's discharge him.

Now hold the phone there, skipper.

Dr Benson should be able to stay here
until he feels he's ready to go.

Give me a break, he was
only Chief of Medicine for ten years.

Well, l haven't had my coffee yet,
so l'm finding it hard coming up with

a more colourful way to say
''Who gives a crap?''

Actually, that wasn't half bad.

Our next patient
is a 26-year-old male

who has presented vomiting,
abdominal cramps and fever.

I never realised how hard
rounds are on the patient.

It feels like you're on display.

Still, Rodin's masterpiece
makes us wonder,

why didn't he spend
a little less time thinking

and a little more time at the gym?

l do cardio.

Which most likely indicates what,
Dr Reid?

He has a simple case
of appendicitis.

How would you proceed,
Dr Dorian?

l would give me that news in private,
no matter how angry l was at me.

Sounds like there's a
fascinating back story here.

Turf him to surgery. Moving on.

Watch it, Bambi. You don't want
a 1 00lb white girl mad at you.

You'll flinch every time
you hear a Range Rover.

l can't believe l have to
spend all Thanksgiving here.

- Tell me that wouldn't kill you.
- Not really.

Do they celebrate Thanksgiving
in your homeland?

- You mean Chicago?
- You have a Chicago?

Be nice to me. l'm getting surgery.

- Dr Wen is the attending.
- Who's the intern doing the work?

I get to cut you open
I get to cut you open

Go, girl!

Go get it.

Good God.

Mr Davis,
you won't be home for Thanksgiving

but you'll be eating leftovers
by Saturday.

Great. And doctor, thank you so much.

You're welcome.

We've gotten to know each other
over the last week, haven't we?

l'd say so.

You found me comforting?

God, no.

l'm pretty good with people.

- You're horrible.
- l'm warm.

You're very cold. l mean, your hands...

- lt's like you're a yeti.
- l have bad circulation.

l do this all day and it doesn't help.

Listen, sweetie, you're
a very efficient, competent doctor.

But your exams...
Do you examine everyone like that

or just people you feel
have wronged you in some way?

- l appreciate your opinion.
- lt's not an opinion.

You see those guys right there?

They're pretending to be asleep
so you won't manhandle them.

- They are not.
- Dude, what are you doing?

Too frank, right?

l know. lt's probably why my mom
pushed me down the stairs.

She is fat, though. And boring.

BP's 60 over palp.
ls he having a heart attack?

lt's hypotension and
electrical alternance on the monitor.

This is tamponade.

Viral infections can cause pericarditis
and a rapid accumulation of fluid.

lt looks like a heart attack
but don't let it fool you.

BP's stabilizing.

- What have we got?
- Don't worry. We're fine here.

It's a universal feeling to want
to be there for a good friend.

So from now on, I'm going to stop
seeing Turk as my crazy frat brother.

Dr Turk, if you will?

We'll mark for the incision
right about here.

After all, he's a highly trained,
competent young doctor.

Dude!

l'm about to bust a mad
sliz-ice in your insides!

Sir, l'd prefer if someone other
than Dr Turk performed the surgery.

Fair enough.

Dr Cotter will perform
the procedure tomorrow morning.

The best thing about friends is how
quickly things like this blow over.

- You understand, right?
- Whatever, man.

You want some salsa
for that chip on your shoulder?

l can't believe you. l would never ever
do something like this to you.

- You're like school in July.
- What do you mean?

No class.

You're not supposed
to scare me like that, sir.

lt was just a prank.
Admittedly, l took it too far.

Well, l still laughed, but...

l felt a little guilty
l wasn't here administering...

l just came to check on
my favourite patient.

l must have the wrong room.

- How are you, Dave?
- l'm doing great, Bob.

l owe you one.

Hey, doc, you should
go ahead and get some rest.

l'll be out of your hair soon.

Just a sec, skipper. You'll stay here
until you decide you're ready to leave.

For God's sake, you were the Chief
of Medicine here for over ten years.

Am l right?

That was what l said this morning.

Yeah, it sounded familiar.

- What?
- l was wondering

how you comb your hair
so the horns don't show?

l wonder what bothers you the most?

ls it that l saved his life
and he likes me as a person?

l bet it's how much
he respects me as a doctor.

How does that taste?
Bitter? Hard to get down?

- Here you go.
- Great.

Carla, everyone likes you so much,
it makes me wonder...

- Why patients think you're a cold fish?
- My God, you noticed?

- Honey, they told me.
- Great. lf anyone needs me,

l'll be in the supply closet
eating sugar packets.

Look, Elliot...

l'm not the kind of person who likes
telling people what to do, but...

Here's what to do. Here's what l think.
Here's what your problem is.

Don't think of your patients
as strangers.

l'm dating Turk, l get it.
Sometimes he is a big kid.

But when it comes to work, he's
as capable and mature as anyone.

Take those out.

Baby, l was being a walrus.

JD's not only your friend
but a patient too, and he's scared.

Kelso is pushing your buttons.
Every now and then let something go.

Turk's not that mature. He spent
all yesterday being a walrus.

He had straws and stuff...

The only thing
JD's scared of is sharks.

And he has a weird thing with pennies.
He's not scared about this.

Kelso's not just some harmless
guy pushing my buttons, Carla.

He's a pod person.

- You're wrong.
- You're so wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong

You're wrong.

l think you're right. l don't know
how to connect with patients.

Start by touching them, holding
their hand, or stroking their hair,

or give them
a reassuring pat on the arm.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. You'll be great.

Darn right.

There you go, sir.

l'm sorry. lt's my watch, l'll get it.

l'm so sorry. Let me...

Dave, at Sacred Heart we don't
treat symptoms, we treat people.

- There's something on your back.
- What does this one say?

''Never stop kicking me.''

And on the other side
is my discharge form.

Bob, you tried to discharge me
an hour before l almost died?

Well...

How very clever.

What? lt wasn't me. ln fact...

l think you put it there
yourself to get more attention.

lt was me. l put it there.

Hey, buddy. OK,
forget about everything that's going on.

We know that you're bummed out
about missing Thanksgiving so...

we decided to bring it to you.

Wow, guys, thanks.
Where's the food?

Who wants the unmentionables?

Bambi? Your fever's spiking.

They're worried your appendix might
burst so we're going into surgery now.

Who's on call?

Dr Turk, let's get started.

Most doctors don't believe in
the out-of-body experience thing,

and I don't know
if it was real or a dream,

but I swear I was up there
watching Turk operate on me.

And I have to say,
he's an amazing surgeon.

Dude, could you not look over
my shoulder while l'm doing this?

lt's a little unnerving.

You've got a little fever.
Probably atelectasis from lying in bed.

- l'm really uncomfortable.
- l'm so sorry.

- You're not gonna hug me, are you?
- l'm done with all that.

lf it makes you feel better,
l hate this touchy-feely culture.

Thank you.

That whole ''kiss hello'' thing.

l don't want anyone touching me
unless we have sex.

Even then l don't want them
to overdo it.

- Where in Connecticut are you from?
- Greenwich. You?

Darien.
l'm really burning up here.

God, that's fantastic.
lt's like an ice pack.

Yeah.

l'm sorry to hear about your mom.
Are you at least close with your dad?

You see this right here?
That's his work.

Pretty good for a man
in a wheelchair.

Doc, l'm sorry you gotta be here
on Thanksgiving night.

My wife can't cook anyway, she's 22.
What are you doing?

Forget about me. What's your wife
look like? Any pictures?

Not of this one.

You know, being back at this old place,

you know the thing l have found
to be the most disappointing?

l think l can guess.

You.

Probably because you do things
like show up the Chief of Medicine,

when anybody who's been in a room
with Bob Kelso for two minutes

knows how big an ass he is.

- Go easy, l just thought...
- You don't think, Perry.

You're such a talented doctor.

lf you played the game you'd be in
a position to change things around here.

But you're too stubborn for that,
aren't you?

All right, kid.

Gin. Your deal.

Hi. l just need to
check on your incision.

- Turk, l was an idiot.
- lt's OK, man.

No, seriously, man. l want you to know,
if l ever need surgery again,

l want you inside of me.

l want to be the one inside of you.

Look, JD, l get it.

To me you'll always be that geeky kid
with the Pat Benatar t-shirt.

Dude, she rocks.

l want you to know
how serious l am about what l do.

Did you stitch your initials into me?

That's not important. lt's still
Thanksgiving for 20 more minutes.

Now, you can have ginger ale

and a cracker.

l forgot. Your change. Two pennies.

Get those pennies away from me.

Happy Thanksgiving, man.

I guess what they say is true.

The people you work with
really do become your family.

Like your brother.

And your sister-in-law.

Or that cousin
you have funny feelings for.

And the crazy, angry uncle everyone
sort of hopes isn't coming this year.

Dr Cox.

lf you want, you can
come down here and hang out...

Nobody talk.

Just drink.

Uncomfortable silences
and alcohol.

Just like Thanksgiving at home.

Drink!

- There was the Nina...
- Shut up!