Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 10 - My Nickname - full transcript

What are you doing?

Wondering how to tell my roommate

he drives me crazy,
without hurting his feelings.

Sarcasm works better
when it's shorter.

- Fascinating.
- See, there you go.

So what're you doing?

- You're annoying me.
- l'm OK with it.

l've had such a crappy morning l decided
to come out here and eat my lunch.

This spot feels secluded.
lt's so peaceful.

l'm getting my spirit back.

- lt's just a bench.
- Sit down, sweet thang.



Nice. You know, l've already eaten,
but l could...

- What's it gonna take?
- Your cupcake.

This is how l get my spirit back.

l feel alive again.

It's time to change this pattern.

- Morning.
- How do you figure?

Doing a little drilling?

l have an idea. Let's go the whole day
without getting in each other's hair.

Just give each other a break?
What do you say?

l'm gonna give you a nickname.

That's good.
l already have a nickname. lt's JD.

How about... Whinyface?

Whinybritches?

Whinysomething.
l definitely like whiny.



Whinydancer.

l can't believe
l went out last night.

You said you were exhausted.

l was.
But l figured l owed it to the ladies.

Do you ever stop giving?

It's hard for doctors and nurses
to be long-term friends.

His O2-sat's dropping.
He just needs respiratory treatment.

When you start out,
the nurses know more than you.

After a few months, the training kicks
in and you both feel the dynamic shift.

l think because of the congestive
heart failure, he just needs Lasix.

The future of the relationship depends
on how she handles that very moment.

l'm so proud of you, Bambi.

They grow up so fast.

- Dr Cox.
- And there you are.

- Excuse me?
- l was wondering if there's anything

that could push my headache
into a full-blown migraine.

And there you are.

- What's the story on the admit in 64?
- She's great. l really like her.

Let's see if you can't focus on things
l give a rat's ass about.

What?

She blacked out at work.
Accelerated heartbeat.

lnteresting.

l don't care if it wasn't
good first-date conversation,

Michael deserved to know what
l think about circumcising babies.

What? Actually, no.

No, it wasn't, which is
surprising cos he's Jewish.

- l gave her two Valium.
- l'm e-mailing you as we're talking.

How cool is that?

So she's actually sedated as we speak?

OK, bye.

Elliot. OK, first impressions.

- Did l scare Michael off?
- No.

Not if he enjoys a big fat cup of crazy.

Ms Tracy, we're all busy,
so if we could...

l have the same e-maily-pagey thingy.

Get out!

- My H sticks a little bit. Does yours?
- lt does!

lt may just be a bench,
but you know what?

lt's quiet. And l can chill.
lt's like my special place.

You are so damn cute,
l can't even stand it.

Serious?

l love it that my man's
all deep and whatnot.

- You know, l get deep.
- l know.

- What's happening, Rerun?
- What up, Roge?

How about some of this?

lt wasn't even that good a show.

- Take it back.
- This second.

Look at the time.
Gotta go, it's lunchtime.

See ya, baby!

- We still on for the Bresson exhibit?
- Yes, we are.

- Did you just ask out my girlfriend?
- You wanna come?

Black-and-white photography,
no boobies.

Hell, no.

- Hello, sir.
- Nice spot.

Yes, sir.

l usually try to get out here
for lunch every day at 1 2.30.

You don't say?

Every day, 1 2.30, for 23 years.

From now on, your name is Scooter.

- l don't get it.
- Short for scooter pie.

l hate scooter pies.

Now l see.

You big jerk.

Thanks again for the invite, Bambi.
l love photography.

Photography's for studs.

After working at a hospital for a while,
you develop a sixth sense for danger.

Maybe there's a mass cas alert,
maybe there's a code...

Maybe someone spent the morning

with an annoying patient
and needs to vent.

Luckily, I was prepared.

- You do your pre-rounds?
- Yes.

Discharge summaries?
Pharmacy renewals?

SOAP notes?
Central line changes?

Yes.

OK, but did you
go ahead and fix your beeper

so it doesn't play that annoying
song every time you get paged?

Yes.

Crap.

l expect you to act like

a professional around here!

ls that all you got?

Good one.

lnteresting titbit.

Back during the gold rush
when a man staked a claim,

if he came upon another man
panning his spot,

he could shoot that fella dead

without even asking any questions.

You don't say.

Simpler times.

What if you've had three great dates
and he likes you so much

he hasn't even tried to have sex
with you yet?

l could sabotage that relationship
in two phone calls.

- l could do it in one.
- Sabotage that relationship.

l would ask him
why he finds me so repulsive.

Then, coerce him
into having phone sex with me,

then l would ask him
if he thinks we have a future,

and then l'd probably just cry
until he hung up on me.

- We are so alike.
- l know!

''Oh, stop.'' ''No, you stop.''

Oh, dear God.

- Ms Tracy, we'll go ahead...
- Can you give me one sec?

l'm arranging to have food delivered.
Fatty had a party and nobody came.

Preaching to the choir.

Think of what little patience l have

as your virginity.

You always thought it would
be there until that night

when you were feeling down,

and your pal, Kevin,
who just wanted to be friends,

he dropped by and he brought
a copy of 'About Last Night'

and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes.
And...

lt was gone for ever.
Just like my patience is now.

So you do scary little speeches?

- How adorable!
- This is so much fun.

Careful, Rapunzel.
Fun time is officially over.

You think you can just treat Bambi
like that and walk away?

Get him, girlfriend.

What up, T-Dog?

The only way to avoid
the high five with Todd

is not to say anything
that he can connect to sex.

How you doing?

That's totally how my car was rocking
when l took this girl out last night.

Am l right?

He earned it.

Pain.

- So Cox tore into you?
- You know what pisses me off?

No one ever calls him on anything.

You want to kick and scream,

that's fine, but if you ever yell
at my friend again over nothing,

then l will wipe
that scary smile off your face,

and keep it in my purse
until no one around here

is any more scared of you than l am.

lt's not fair.
Why are you eating in here?

- T-man's afraid of Kelso.
- l'm not afraid of Kelso.

l just felt like eating in here.

Go outside and stand up for yourself.

Hell, yeah.

You know what else
stands up for itself?

l'm not sure.
But l'll guess that it's your penis.

lt is.

Oh, no.

Everyone, we can all relax now.
The planets have been realigned

and order shall be returned.
Hey, you.

Give me two seconds.
Gotta finish e-mailing Jill.

l have
your little friend's test results.

Shall we have some fun
and take a look?

lnteresting. EKG, negative.
Tilt table, negative.

Echo, negative.

Nothing, in fact, is wrong with her
but exhaustion, brought on by...

let it come... being her.

- Yeah, but if you don't...
- No, no, no.

There's no time for ''Yeah, buts''.

l want her out of here in five minutes

or you will be responsible
for covering every missed shift

during this year's flu season.

Now go.

Hey, you...

For what it's worth,
l don't care if your beeper plays

Who let the dogs out?
Hoof, hoof

- as many times as you like.
- Actually, sir, it's ''who, who''.

- But thank you.
- And, by the way,

just a real smooth move
running to your mommy.

- Excuse me?
- Your mommy cr-rushed me.

She did. l'd like to issue
a warning to everybody,

and l'm dead serious.

FYl: JD's mommy
has made it clear

that she doesn't want her
daughter picked on any more.

Nothing mean. She's a precious flower
and we should all be super nice to her.

l was paged.

Hello?

Anyone?

Oh, hell, no!

When l get out, we should hang.

l'd love to. l should warn you,

l work a ton and when l'm off,
l catch up on paperwork

or read medical journals
to stay ahead of the curve.

l'm a nerd.

l wish l could stay home and read,
but my job, it's like, you know?

With the married-by-the-millennium
thing, l go on like, 1 ,000 blind dates.

And all my friends
always need something.

There's me who never wants to
let anyone down, you know, ever.

With so many balls in the air, sometimes
it gets a little overwhelming.

As soon as l leave, l know
l'm going right back to that mess.

My God, l'm practically crying.
How pathetic is that?

Around here,
you make big choices every day.

l came to tell you
we're gonna keep you here

for the weekend, just to get some rest.

Most of these choices actually
have nothing to do with medicine.

lt's so on.

In those cases, you have to make sure

that your emotions
don't get the best of you.

Mommy.

- Give me that, Bambi, that's not a toy.
- My name is not Bambi.

lt's Dr Dorian.
l don't need to be looked after.

How about l'll be the doctor
and you be the nurse.

Yes, doctor.

Good choice.

l have to go check on something.

Fix this before word gets around.

Carla, wait.

What did you do?

- What did you do?
- What did you do?

She called me Bambi
in front of everyone.

- My name is not Bambi!
- lt's Scooter!

Short for scooter pie.

Baby, JD is my best friend,

but if you need me to kick his ass,
l will kick his ass, cos l care for you.

- And cos l'm willing to sleep with you.
- Hell, yeah.

lf l wanted
his ass kicked l'd do it myself.

Todd,

if you ever make that noise at me again,

l will reach into your mouth
and unscrew that bulb

that barely keeps your brain going.

Dude, chick threats are hot.

What did l say about annoying Carla?

lf she makes me choose between you two,
you know how it'll end up.

Yes, l do. And l thank you for that.

Could you be any cuter
with the new hair colour?

Holy cow! Please, no.

Good morning, sunshine.

Could you possibly
excuse me for just one second?

Dear God, you're still here.

Who exactly is doing this to me?

There's nothing worse than
knowing you've wronged a friend

and having to apologise.

- Look, Carla...
- lt's OK. You overreacted.

l should've realised
you can stand up for yourself.

l know you would take it back
if you could. l do.

We're OK, right?

- l think l've said all l can.
- See you tonight for the exhibit.

- Why'd you have me paged?
- To ask you to forgive me.

For what?

Hello, sad clown.

- Thanks for paging her.
- How could you?

He called me cutie and said my eyes
were as blue as the ocean.

l got confused.

- lt probably would've worked on me too.
- You're damn right it would've. Come.

ls he single?

Hello?

Look at you, all proud.

Don't tell me
you've already managed to eat?

l took my sweet time, too.

Consider that your last supper.
l'm bored with the games.

- Are you forbidding me to sit here?
- This is a public bench.

You are as welcome here as l am
but you won't come back again.

You know why? Because you
just don't have the mettle.

Now get out of here so l can
eat my wife's egg salad sandwich

before the tomato
soaks through the bread.

Beautiful day.

Did you get into photography
when you were in college or...?

No. Actually, l never went to college.

Don't tell any of my patients
but neither did l.

ls that supposed
to make me feel better?

No, it was just a joke.

l was doing the whole, like,
turn a frown upside-down.

You know what? Hold it.
l don't think we're OK.

You accepted my apology.
You can't take it back.

Have you ever spent time with a woman?

ls my punishment still coming
because the anticipation is killing me?

- Make your case.
- l'm sorry, what?

Well, you tell me
why Chorey McCrazy Chore

gets to stay here two more nights.

OK.

You don't know how hard it is
for some women to make it alone.

Jill is so exhausted.
She's her own worst enemy.

Constantly trying to please.
She judges herself harsher than anyone.

Have you seen
what you look like today?

l'm a skank.
She never says no to anyone, so...

Could you pick up a sample of my dog's
stool and take it to the vet for me?

l can do it at lunch.

lt's OK.
Jill can stay a little longer.

And if we're real lucky,
she'll realise that it's OK

to give yourself a break
every once in a while, right?

l took a cab from the last stop.

- You forgot your coat.
- l don't want it.

Why would you?

l was only gonna go to that exhibit

because l wanted you to think
l was brainy.

- l'm so angry at myself.
- Thank goodness.

l thought you were mad at me.

Hundreds of interns have decided they
don't need me any more. Why should...?

This is why you can't
be friends with doctors.

lf it's a problem, you, me,
Elliot and Turk will get together...

l don't work with Turk and
l'm not close to Elliot.

The only problem here is you, OK?

We're supposed to be friends.

Your self-esteem
is so wrapped up in what you do.

A doctor. That's all you are.
That's how you define yourself.

You think you're
better than me because of it.

- Carla, l do not think...
- Admit it.

Admit it right now
or l'll never respect you again.

OK. Sometimes that's true.

- Carla, you're a good nurse.
- l'm a great nurse.

You patronising ass.

You don't even get it, do you?

ln nine years, l never once
felt bad about myself

for what l do, not for one second.

And then l met you.

- Please wait.
- Don't.

Sometimes the only way to
take a good look at yourself

is through someone else's eyes.

If you're lucky,
you'll like what you see.

lmpressive.

Or you'll learn from it.

If you don't like what you see,

you have to hope
you haven't burned too many bridges.

How many mEqs of potassium
should l give this guy?

You know the answer to that.
Don't do that.

But thanks, Bambi.

From that moment on,
I knew I'd be Bambi for ever.

See you tomorrow, Scooter.

He's actually very talented.