Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 21 - My Sacrificial Clam - full transcript

Do you know what
l want to do to you tonight?

- You didn't say anything.
- l know.

lt was gonna be kinky,
and l got embarrassed.

Really kinky?
Was l a bad girl?

Very bad. You had to go
to the principal's office.

l have an early shift tomorrow.

- l've got to sleep.
- Want me to take you home?

No. But if we're gonna pick up
a schoolgirl outfit and have sex,

we have to leave this minute.

One of the best things about
women is they're unpredictable.

Of course,
that can bite you in the ass.



Boink.
Who's your new friend?

Look, it got a letter.

So l put on a few pounds.

But how would you like it
if somebody did this to you?

l wouldn't.

- l don't think it's fair.
- lt isn't fair.

- Now, eat your doughnut.
- Eat your doughnut.

And I was having problems
with my lady too.

Get a move on. l got tickets to
Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk.

We're gonna take blood so we can check

your hepatitis viral load.
Absolutely no big deal.

No big deal at all.

Could somebody get that?

These tests
are gonna come back negative.



Everybody who works
in a hospital eventually gets stuck.

Thanks for being so nice to me.

Who wouldn't be nice to you right now?

l understand you might need
a refresher course in hospital safety.

This is a syringe.
When filled with infected blood,

where is the last place
you might want to stick it?

- ln my arm.
- Very good, Dr Dorian.

Mr Sarcastic strikes again.

For God's sake, sir, just fire me.

Just get him to sign the damn paper.

What's this?

lf you develop any symptoms that suggest
you may have contracted hepatitis B,

this form states
the hospital is not responsible.

Thanks. That's comforting.

l'm sure you'll be fine.

Here's your pen.

Keep it.

ls he gonna make it?

- Doesn't look good.
- Yay!

lsn't that what you were wearing
when you left last night?

The walk of shame.

All you can hope for is a supportive
friend to help you get through it.

Elliot got some booty

Stop it.

What? lt's my
''Elliot got some booty'' dance.

Elliot,
it's not like anybody else knows.

- What's up, porn star?
- Somebody toasted that marshmallow.

Well?

Somebody got some action

Come on. lt's funny.

l can't find my scrubs top.
l must've left it at Sean's.

The curse of the scrubs machine.

One of the hospital's
annoying money savers.

The only way to get clean scrubs out
is to put dirty ones in.

- How can l help?
- Give me your shirt.

- How else can l help?
- Just go.

Good morning, sir.

And yet another
proud day for Dr Reid.

l'd say it can only get better,
but we both know that isn't true.

Right, sweetheart?

Yeah.

You know l'm crazy in love with you.

Don't tell me you're obsessing
over a joke l made.

- l'm not obsessing.
- Good.

Careful. l just might eat you.

l see it all the time: The long hours,
the stress eating, no exercise.

There's not a doctor here
who's in shape.

Nothing better than a good sweat.

Turk! lt was a joke!

Alrighty.

What do we have here?

What you've got here are four cases
of Legionnaires' pneumonia.

So l would start us out
on lV aminoglycosides.

Check for urinary legionella antigen.

lt could be viral, considering
my gastrointestinal situation.

Here comes the fart joke.

l think l may have strep pneumo.

- All four of us are doctors.
- Let me guess. Golf cart accident?

- Playing.
- Medical convention.

So, what's with
the antecubital venipuncture?

l got hit with
of one of my hep B patients' syringes.

l once had a colleague
who got bit by a patient with rabies.

- He's OK, right?
- No, he died.

A friend from med school
contracted leprosy.

They amputated one of his toes.
Popped it right off.

But hepatitis. Scary stuff.

- l'll be OK.
- Maybe.

l have to go check on a thing...

To interns.

- We cannot have intercourse tonight.
- Stop calling it that.

l'm falling so behind
on my reading, and l really...

Don't always assume
l wanna be fooling around.

Sometimes l'm happy just
thinking about fooling around.

Why can't couples just be together?

- Why is it always about sex?
- Yes, Sean.

is motivated by sexual impulses.

is motivated by advertising,

and the rest by violence in film.

Now, you have to stop talking to me
so l can get some work done.

Say it.

lntercourse.

Way to get your burger on.

Just exactly what in the hell is this?

l need to talk to you.

Dr Cox, l haven't had a chance
to tell you this yet. Your name rocks!

Come on!

This conversation stops
until cabana boy here goes.

- He's not the boss of me.
- Todd.

Cool.

So how do you do it?
How do you stay in shape?

Discipline.
Some of us work on our appearance.

Could l work out with you some time?

l don't know about that.

l'm not particularly fond of you,
although

it might be fun to see you
flail about for a couple of days.

You know what?
Forget about it.

You see that guy there?

That's you in five years.

You in ten years.

And guess what, He-Man?

You in 20.

l'm in.

I won't let those doctors scare me.
I always get right back on the horse.

l'm so sorry you're alone, Mr Winston,
but meningococcus is highly contagious.

- l don't have anyone to talk to.
- Good news, friend.

The doctor is in.

l asked for a newspaper, and they gave
me Judy Blume books from Paediatrics.

l don't know anything about those.

Read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing.

Completely turned
high school around for me.

You see? Nobody keeps
John Dorian from moving on.

Nobody.

We've replaced this doctor's blood
with hepatitis blood.

Let's see if he notices.

l could be really sick here.
Could you be nice for once?

How's that?

l have not been this happy
since, well, ever.

Don't you think Sean and l
are a great couple?

l don't know Sean,
and you've never spoken to me before.

We just click on every level.

- God, and the sex.
- My name is Vijay.

Let's see who's on their game and start
off with a case of pheochromocytoma.

What is the initial test, Dr Reid?

24-hour urinary metanephrines?

Right-o. And what is your
preoperative treatment?

- ACE inhibitors?
- Wrong-o.

Why don't you attempt to crawl out
of your shame hole,

and tell me the aetiology
of hypocalcaemia in sarcoidosis.

Gutter ball!

Yesterday you were
running around my hospital half-naked.

- Yeah, baby.
- Today you're mucking up my rounds.

ls your ponytail too tight?

Perhaps you have a case
of the boogie-woogie flu?

Something is different,
because you are slipping.

Next patient.

The key to my exercise programme is
this one simple truth: l hate my body.

What?

The second you look in the mirror

and you're happy with what you see,
you just lost the battle.

You should give speeches
to teenage girls.

- l've been looking all over for you.
- Did you bring his leash?

- What are you doing?
- Going for a run with Dr Cox.

But we were supposed to go to the park.

l was gonna let you
tell me how pretty l am.

- See ya, chubby!
- Son of a...

Baby, you're prettier every day.

l'm prettier in the park.

I don't know what it is,
but I'm noticing something.

In this hospital,
there are sick people everywhere.

l'm OK.

You're a jumpy little fellow. Your blood
tests are negative, so you're fine.

l think l speak for the entire
administration when l say ''whoop-de-do''.

Wrap it up for me, Ned.

- lt's Ted.
- l know.

l know a guy who can
take care of him for us.

One phone call.

I knew I didn't have hepatitis.
Why did I make myself crazy?

John Dorian is stronger than that.

I said John Dorian
is stronger than that.

Carla, could you do me a favour and
just give him a follow-up neuro exam?

l'm just so swamped right now.

- Sure, Bambi. No problem.
- Thank you.

John Dorian's a wuss.

It wasn't that hard for me
to avoid my contagious guy.

Carla, can you check Kernig
and Brudzinski signs on Mr Winston?

- And why can't you do it?
- l would, but l don't got no mojo.

l have to go lecture
some med students

on myocardial infarction.

l saw them waiting for you
in the You're Full of Crap Ward.

You know the way.

What are you doing here?

l bought extra scrubs
so you never have to work topless again.

Unless you start dancing,
which l'm OK with.

- Great. So he's thoughtful too.
- Are you mad at me?

The yelling makes it
seem like you're mad.

You would know.

You're so thoughtful and handsome,
you wouldn't forget your scrubs.

l don't wear scrubs. One time, l locked
my keys in my car while it was running.

- On a bridge.
- l have to go.

l'll call you later, and you can
explain what just happened.

Don't be embarrassed
about staring at my ass.

You're only human,
and everybody does it anyway.

Lonely?

A little.

- l'm doing this for someone else.
- What do you say we pick it up?

Let's pick it up.

When someone calls you out,

there's only one thing to do:
Deal with your fear.

Dr Cox, could l get you
to cover Mr Winston?

He's my meningitis patient.
A personality difference.

He says tomato, and l say...

...''to-mah-to.''

Sure. l'll take him.
You grab my three gomers in 408.

- What's wrong with them?
- l assume they're sick.

l thought about what you said before,
and you're right.

l haven't been that nice.

- And?
- That's it.

What, do you want to go to a ballgame
and share a big tub of popcorn?

That's the last time l reach out.

Anybody want to go to a...
Not you.

- Doctors.
- Doctor.

l love that.

Dr Douglas, l got the results back
from your fasting lipids.

Your LLD's very elevated,
so you may want to start a...

HMG-CoA reductase inhibitor?

- You knew the answer.
- Shut up.

- What's your problem?
- This doesn't come easy for me.

l study every night, and you know what
else l do to remember all this crap?

l tape record myself saying it,
and l listen to myself over and over.

Do you have any idea how annoying it is
to hear myself go on and on and on

and on?

No.

Come on. l have problems too.
l traded my meningitis patient.

Traded him like a baseball card.

Wanna know why?
l was afraid of him.

l'm a doctor who's afraid of sick
people. Wanna take a picture with me?

It's a weird feeling when
you realise you've lost the respect

of four people all at once.

But it's nothing compared to
losing respect for yourself.

Push it out. Two more.

Come on, kid. Bitchin' reps.

- A dumb-ass says what?
- What?

l said,
''A dumb-ass says what?''

What?

- You're down here again?
- 20!

Hey, baby.

- You likes?
- l miss you.

Maybe tonight we can, you know,
rent a movie and then not watch it.

We just got started down here.

No problem.

Just don't wake me up if you
get home too late, OK?

Props for the commitment.

- l'm out.
- And there it is.

l knew your ass would quit.

- l got a life.
- Cry me a river.

My dance card is full-up too.

How many nights a week
are you in here?

- A few.
- He's being modest.

He's down here
polishing his guns every night.

That doesn't mean l don't have a life.

A couple times we went
out for a beer after.

- You two have fun.
- Dr Cox.

- Can l get a spot?
- l'm here for you.

Oh, God.

l gotta meet someone.

Big kahuna, little help?

l just came by to apologise.

- For what?
- l'm not sure.

But l am really sorry.

l should be the one apologising.
l got so buried in work,

and then l just took it all out on you.

l'm big on forgiving people who look
like they're about to kiss me.

And the work never ends.

l have to be ready for rounds,
take care of my patients,

l have scut work
and research papers due.

And if my internship
does not go well this year,

l'm not getting
a good residency next year.

And without the residency,
there goes my fellowship,

and that doesn't leave
a lot of time for us.

So l think that maybe
we should make this more casual.

But, come on,
l know l could never be casual with you.

We'd just end up here again, right?

What are you saying?

l don't know.

Then why are you saying it?

My God.

l think l'm saying that l can't
make this work right now.

l've got an idea. Let's go back to where
you said that you should be apologising.

Then we'll kiss again,
cos that was good.

Sean, you don't understand how hard
it was for me just to get to this point.

lf l don't do my best,
l'm going to hate myself for ever.

What's with being the best?

What is so bad about being adequate?
That's what l do.

No, you don't.

l know.

l have to go back in.

l'm just gonna stand here
and wait with these flowers

cos in two minutes you'll realise
what a big mistake you're making.

l hope so.

- l want my meningitis patient back.
- No.

Do you know any women who hate
themselves enough to date me?

- Why'd you let me switch patients?
- You asked me to.

- And because of your puppy-dog eyes.
- You knew l was scared.

Why didn't you tell me to deal with it?

l don't know what it was about that day.

Maybe l hadn't had enough sleep,
maybe my mind was on other things.

Maybe l didn't have enough fibre,
and failed to do my morning business.

l don't know what it was,
but the bottom line is

l didn't feel like
spelling it out for you.

You want your little speech,
and that's fine, because here it is.

You're a doctor. You might get sick.

Get over it.

Thank you.
Now, can l have my patient back?

No. Because, aside from
his weird Judy Blume obsession,

l like him.
You will be delousing Mr Schaffer.

Guy's like flypaper.

Fantastic.

And, Belinda,

do you know what else
is real contagious?

A big ol' smile!

When you start med school,

they warn you that you're gonna
have to make sacrifices.

That means different things
to different people.

Like giving up something you want now

for something you've wanted
your whole life.

Or spending less time on yourself

so you can spend more time
with someone you love.

At some point, you might even have to
give up your own sense of safety.

After a while, it doesn't feel like
you're giving up anything.

- Hey, doc.
- You know what?

Let's talk Superfudge.