Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 15 - My Bed Banter & Beyond - full transcript
After spending a glorious day in bed together, J.D and Elliot expect to be able to keep their new romance a secret. But this is Sacred Heart and nothing is as it seems.
You slept with your best friend!
This will be a disaster
unless you say the right thing,
so choose your words carefully.
Great job last night, buddy.
Good thing you came along.
l've been on four since med school.
Damn it.
We shouldn't feel weird about this.
- Things like this happen all the time.
- All the time!
- lt's not a big deal.
- it's not a big deal.
Stop repeating
what l say in that weird tone.
- No more repeating.
- What happened last night was
a wonderful mistake.
And it's probably best
if we just go back to the way things were.
l totally agree.
l'm gonna see you tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Elliot's amazing
and you're crazy about her.
If you let her leave,
I'm gonna do this all day:
I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down...
Wait, Elliot...
l just...
Just say it.
Say, ''Elliot, stay in bed
and have sex with me
until neither of us can move.''
Let's do that.
l cannot believe
you almost let me leave.
You're gonna pay for that.
l'm good for that.
l got to...
We are really good at having sex.
We should take this show on the road.
My mom would sit in the front row
and tell me l'd look prettier
if l smiled more.
You don't really smile.
You just make this face.
You looked surprised that
you were actually having sex.
l was. l mean, four times?
Give it up.
- l think l already did.
- You did.
How weird was that this morning?
Have you ever been more
uncomfortable in your entire life?
You look hot in that dress.
What movie are we watching?
lt's Basic Instinct, Grandma.
Yeah, once.
But all this sex?
lt just soothes my soul.
And l really like your nose.
How did that last time even start?
l just know l went to the door
and when l came back, you said
l looked sexy holding a pizza.
You did.
For safety reasons, l should go.
You're not going anywhere.
You gotta help me eat this pizza.
Good.
See now, you even look sexy
holding that slice.
- l do, don't l?
- You do.
l was not. You were.
Sometimes l like
a little sugar in my coffee.
l just think it's best
if we keep this between us for now.
lt's hard enough
without everybody talking.
But it'll help people.
Like those two, for instance.
They've been dancing around
each other for months now.
l'm not afraid
to show people here how l feel about you.
You just want the guys
to know you're getting some.
Not just the guys.
Good morning, Dr Cox!
We are short-staffed today
because Kelso has volunteered
all of you scut monkeys
for some psychologist's research project,
which means
you won't be helping patients.
lnstead, you'll be
blabbering about your feelings,
and what it's like
working in the hospital,
and how that affects
your personal lives and...
And there he is now,
big Bob-o himself.
All nurses and interns,
let's gather round
and dance for the puppet master.
Dance!
lt's not just the nurses and interns.
Don't be that guy, Bob.
l guess l became a doctor because
ever since l was a little boy,
l just wanted to help people.
l don't tell this story very often,
but l remember
when l was seven years old,
l found a bird
that had fallen out of its nest.
So, l picked him up
and l brought him home,
and l made him a house
out of an empty shoebox, and...
My God!
l became a doctor for the same
four reasons everybody does:
Chicks, money, power and chicks.
But since HMOs have
made it virtually impossible
to make any real money,
which affects the number of chicks
who come sniffing around, and don't
ask what tree they're barking up,
cos they're sure not pissing on mine.
And as far as power goes, well...
Here l am during my free time
letting some 1 3-year-old
psychology fellow ask me questions
about my personal life.
So here's the inside scoop.
Why don't you go ahead
and tell me all about power?
Check her out.
- Dude, HFFA.
- Excuse me?
HFFA? ''Hot from far away''
but up close she's nasty.
That is so messed up.
l am sorry l made an insensitive
statement about an ugly person.
l'm taking one of those moments
where l weigh your good qualities
against your bad ones
and decide
if you're actually worth the trouble.
You made it. That was close.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Elliot's looking for a surgical consult.
- Do you know where she is?
- Why should l know?
l know where the Todd
would like Elliot to be. ln his pants.
Clever.
She's not going out with anyone.
You should ask her out.
Elliot and the Todd?
That's a terrible couple.
- Worse than Joanie and Chachi.
- Joanie loves Chachi.
The Todd is asking Elliot out.
- l think she'd be lucky to ride my...
- Please.
...motorcycle.
Gotcha.
God bless him.
When l was seven,
the only things that l loved
were my ColecoVision...
and Sandy Lowe.
Sandy was as fine
as a 7-year-old could be.
She had the body of a 9-year-old.
l joined the T-ball team
because she was on it.
l didn't care that much about sports.
But, during the first game,
l got all caught up,
and fell in love with competing.
And so, through
high school and college,
l pretty much played everything
because l needed to compete.
lt was my drug.
That's why l became a surgeon. Every day,
you get to step up to the table
and go one-on-one against
what's wrong with the patient.
And if you're really good at it,
you win most of the time.
l ran into Sandy Lowe last Christmas,
and she didn't look so good.
And that was kind of awkward, cos,
well, l look like this.
Are you following me?
No. You wanna go out some time?
With you?
Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.
No, Todd, l don't.
But l don't want you to think
it's because l'm a lesbian or anything.
l find you so creepy, l think you should
walk around with a bell around your neck.
All l heard was ''lesbian''.
Let me talk to her for you.
Why did he ask me out?
l don't know.
Because you're cute and you're fun,
and l told him to. Plus, there's rumours
going around that you're a lesbian.
You told me not to tell anyone about us,
so maybe l just wanna make a point.
And now l'm gonna kiss you.
lt's cool. JD's in the closet
talking to a girl for me.
White boys.
You too.
When l was little, my mom used to
have what she called ''episodes''.
''Episodes'' is a flattering term
for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and...
Let's just say her stomach talked.
Anyway, this one time,
we were at the supermarket
and she actually passed out.
And out of nowhere,
this fancy-looking guy comes forward
and tells everyone to step aside
and give my mother some air.
And everyone did.
You have to understand, in my family,
nobody listens to a word anyone else says.
Even screaming
at the top of our lungs... nothing.
So when this man said,
''Step aside'', and everyone did,
l asked my aunt, ''Who is this guy?''
And she said he was a doctor.
And l thought,
''l want to be a doctor too.''
But when l lost my first tooth,
and nobody left $1 80,000
under my pillow,
l decided to become a nurse.
We do all the real stuff anyway.
- You OK?
- Yeah.
l may eventually need a vagina transplant.
Go! Go!
We don't have much time!
You know what?
After l have sex five times with somebody,
l like to have the relationship talk.
l know it seems rushed,
but five times
usually takes me anywhere
between six months and seven years.
Let's do it.
Let's have the talk.
- You my boyfriend?
- Yep. You my girlfriend?
- Yep.
- Cool.
Good to talk things through.
l love that little laugh.
From now on, that is your laugh.
What?
l've seen you naked, so everything
you're doing, l'm watching you do it naked.
So, if l go like this...
l just... l saw all of that.
Don't be shy. Come here, baby.
- The echo report on the aorta...
- Bravo. Just a big bravo.
Heaven help me,
l love newbie theatre.
Honest, l do. lt's the way
you both play your parts
with such wonderful commitment
that almost had me believing
that you aren't having whiny, neurotic,
pale sex with each other.
What are you talking about?
The whole floor knows.
We do. Watch this.
Laverne, did you know?
Was it supposed to be a secret?
And Carla?
Please. l knew before they did.
So, there it is.
And if you go ahead
and listen very carefully,
you'll hear the familiar sound
of no one caring.
l like that guy.
When the Kelsonoviches
settled in Monroeville, PA,
there were two steel mills, three bars,
and not a doctor in sight.
Then my old man set up a shingle
and started delivering babies
and stitching up three-fingered
steel men by the wagonload.
Everybody loved him.
When they couldn't come up with the cash,
he would gladly
accept a handmade sweater
or a bushel of turnips.
Jackass.
Now l get to do this in public.
This is a hospital, all right?
People here are already sick.
You guys do it all the time.
- Tell me we don't look like that.
- We don't look like that.
You guys are just jealous
cos you're not
the hot couple in town any more.
Jealous, my chocolate butt!
l'm telling you, we are so damn hot,
last night, when l was
home waiting for Turk,
l put on this tiny negligee. lt was so small
l took it off my Latin Barbie...
When l got home, you were asleep,
drooling like a sheepdog.
You don't have to tell 'em that.
While you guys were sleeping,
we were up in the kitchen
fryin' up some love.
Relationships? Well, Sigmund,
relationships are so fragile.
lt just takes one thing, one...
...tiny little offence,
and it can snowball on you.
And if that snowball starts
to pick up speed, God forbid,
you better tuck and go.
Why did you do that?
How could you think
that's appropriate conversation for work?
- We didn't have sex.
- No.
- Especially not on the stove. What?
- That is not funny.
Sorry.
We didn't.
That's great. Thanks.
Thanks a lot, JD. Really mature.
Come on.
Elliot.
l am so full.
- Give me another slice.
- Really?
Yeah. Big one.
l cannot have any more
until l work off the last two slices.
So what do you say?
Fat, gassy, bloaty sex?
OK.
- l'm gonna puke!
- l don't care.
Mr Lewis,
we're gonna need another stool sample.
Not for medical reasons.
My robot needs food.
That laugh.
But it's your laugh. l gave it to you.
l love it so much,
l can't stop using it.
lt's not as charming if you're mad.
You only laugh at your own jokes.
You never laugh at anything l do.
That's not true.
...colonoscopy.
Dr Cox, l'm open!
Hit me!
There was nothing funny about that.
Maybe you just don't know funny.
Let me help you out.
Silly hats are funny.
ALF? Very funny!
Anyone in a chicken suit...
Oversized phones are funny.
- JD...
- Hold on.
Hello?
She's right here.
lt's for you.
You know what?
You're not as funny as you think you are.
And bam!
The shine's off the apple.
That's when you find out that
that pretty girl you married
isn't a pretty girl at all.
No. She's a man-eater.
And l'm not talking about the ''Whoa,
whoa, here she comes'' kind of man-eater.
l'm talking about the kind
that uses your dignity as a dishtowel
to wipe up any shreds of manhood
that might be stuck inside the sink.
l may have tormented her
from time to time,
but that's what l thought
marriage was all about.
So much so,
that by the end of that relationship,
l honestly don't know
who l hated more: her or me.
l used to sit around and wonder
why our friends weren't trying
to destroy each other, like we were.
And here it turns out
the answer's pretty simple.
They weren't unhappy.
We were.
l suck at this.
Sorry.
You look great bent over.
l rolled that damn thing exactly
the way the video l bought told me to.
Probably just a bad ball.
You don't have to patronise me.
Tell me that l suck.
lt's hard to be honest
when you're so neurotic
you don't even trust the computer
to keep your score.
- l'm neurotic?
- l'm sorry!
- ls it always this hard?
- Bowling's a tricky sport.
- No, l meant...
- l know.
lt's difficult for everybody.
- My baby got a strike!
- l got a strike!
- My baby did it!
- l got a strike!
Knock 'em down!
My baby know how to knock 'em down!
- Turk! l'm dizzy!
- Sorry.
l'm sorry about him.
My turn!
Want me to pick you up?
Enid has always understood
how much my career meant to me.
She knows
l'm an important man in my field,
and it helps her get on all those
boards of things her friends are on.
You know, like, bringing art
to the underprivileged kids
in the community, blah, blah, blah.
When l first met her,
she wanted to be a psychiatrist.
But we both decided
that that wasn't a fitting profession
for a family woman.
No offence, sweetheart.
l know she's grateful.
She likes to joke that
l choked the last breath of life
out of her long ago.
Now she's just a shell of a woman.
l think that's so cute.
l call her Shelly.
You know, when l call her that,
sometimes she laughs so hard,
she cries a little.
You should've gotten a cardiology fellow
to give Mrs Zuckerman
a transvenous pacemaker one hour ago.
Sir, l was waiting to see...
You were waiting. l'm sorry, that's...
That's my mistake.
l'm gonna wait with ya.
Dr Cox...
Gotta give it time.
Because, you see,
when you're waiting for someone
to get better all by themselves,
the whole thing becomes about time.
l was waiting to see if she would
tolerate her low heart rate,
which is what the textbooks tell us to do.
Am l right, JD?
- ls she right, JD?
- Technically, yes.
But it's really a judgment call,
and if she really was that bradycardic,
l probably would've called the fellow.
But l... That's me. l...
Always side with the hoochie, Newbie?
lt's a rookie mistake.
You hate to see it.
- Tell you about my girlfriend?
- Tell you about my boyfriend?
OK.
l can be myself around Carla.
Turk makes me feel completely safe
and totally independent
at the same time.
And it's all the same,
whether l'm with her or with my boys.
l can say whatever's on my mind.
And even if he doesn't like it,
even if he doesn't understand it,
he respects it.
Don't get me wrong. l'm not gonna
give my boys a back rub.
Sure, if a brother's got an itch,
l'll scratch it, but...
He seems to like who l am.
She's a cool lady.
- l love her.
- l love him.
l should've stood up for you
with Dr Cox.
You should've.
l don't want him to think
it's about our relationship.
l know that you want Dr Cox
to respect you,
but you should want me
to respect you too.
lf l didn't respect you,
l wouldn't be having sex with you.
- That's not true. l would be.
- lf you can't talk for real, forget it.
A perfect dismount
off her high horse.
lf you don't like something, say it.
Why hide behind stupid jokes?
Why is it impossible for you
to let anything go?
l let stuff go, like when you wouldn't
stand up for me with Dr Cox,
or when you told everyone
we're having sex.
- When are you letting that go?
- You wanna know why l won't let that go?
You wouldn't stand up for me
because you're terrified
that someone won't like you.
And that's a bad thing?
Why don't we get all my friends together
in a room and we'll fight your friend.
l'm getting so tired of this.
Elliot, this is me.
And there's a lot of people here
who like me for who l am.
- l thought you were one of 'em.
- l thought l was too.
Relationships don't work
the way they do in the movies.
Will they? Won't they? They finally do
and they're happy for ever.
Nine out of ten end because they
weren't right for each other to begin with,
and half of the ones that get married
get divorced anyway.
And through all this,
l have not become a cynic.
l do happen to believe
that love is mainly about
pushing chocolate-covered candies,
and you know, in some cultures, a chicken.
You can call me a sucker.
l don't care.
Because l do believe in it.
Bottom line is couples
that are right for each other
wade through the same crap
as everybody else.
But the big difference is,
they don't let it take 'em down.
One of those two people
will fight for that relationship
every time, if it's right
and they're real lucky.
One of 'em will say something.
Things that wouldn't have bothered
you a week ago in a friendship
become so incredibly important
when sex is involved.
l just think it'd be easier
if you weren't friends
with your girlfriend
at all.
l've always been sure about everything.
Sure that l wanted to be a doctor,
and l was sure that l was gonna
be married by the time l was 25.
But relationships...
l always heard that
when they were right, they were easy.
That even when things got hard
that they were easy.
l don't get that at all.
How is that possible?
Am l in a relationship now?
No. l'm not in one now.
No.
l can't believe today's over.
- l can't believe l ate half a pizza.
- Please. You had two pieces.
lf you tell anyone anything about today,
please leave that part out.
l will, cos l'm a gentleman.
Do you think this is gonna work out?
Yeah. l think it's gonna be great.
l believe you.
l believe me too.
This will be a disaster
unless you say the right thing,
so choose your words carefully.
Great job last night, buddy.
Good thing you came along.
l've been on four since med school.
Damn it.
We shouldn't feel weird about this.
- Things like this happen all the time.
- All the time!
- lt's not a big deal.
- it's not a big deal.
Stop repeating
what l say in that weird tone.
- No more repeating.
- What happened last night was
a wonderful mistake.
And it's probably best
if we just go back to the way things were.
l totally agree.
l'm gonna see you tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Elliot's amazing
and you're crazy about her.
If you let her leave,
I'm gonna do this all day:
I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down...
Wait, Elliot...
l just...
Just say it.
Say, ''Elliot, stay in bed
and have sex with me
until neither of us can move.''
Let's do that.
l cannot believe
you almost let me leave.
You're gonna pay for that.
l'm good for that.
l got to...
We are really good at having sex.
We should take this show on the road.
My mom would sit in the front row
and tell me l'd look prettier
if l smiled more.
You don't really smile.
You just make this face.
You looked surprised that
you were actually having sex.
l was. l mean, four times?
Give it up.
- l think l already did.
- You did.
How weird was that this morning?
Have you ever been more
uncomfortable in your entire life?
You look hot in that dress.
What movie are we watching?
lt's Basic Instinct, Grandma.
Yeah, once.
But all this sex?
lt just soothes my soul.
And l really like your nose.
How did that last time even start?
l just know l went to the door
and when l came back, you said
l looked sexy holding a pizza.
You did.
For safety reasons, l should go.
You're not going anywhere.
You gotta help me eat this pizza.
Good.
See now, you even look sexy
holding that slice.
- l do, don't l?
- You do.
l was not. You were.
Sometimes l like
a little sugar in my coffee.
l just think it's best
if we keep this between us for now.
lt's hard enough
without everybody talking.
But it'll help people.
Like those two, for instance.
They've been dancing around
each other for months now.
l'm not afraid
to show people here how l feel about you.
You just want the guys
to know you're getting some.
Not just the guys.
Good morning, Dr Cox!
We are short-staffed today
because Kelso has volunteered
all of you scut monkeys
for some psychologist's research project,
which means
you won't be helping patients.
lnstead, you'll be
blabbering about your feelings,
and what it's like
working in the hospital,
and how that affects
your personal lives and...
And there he is now,
big Bob-o himself.
All nurses and interns,
let's gather round
and dance for the puppet master.
Dance!
lt's not just the nurses and interns.
Don't be that guy, Bob.
l guess l became a doctor because
ever since l was a little boy,
l just wanted to help people.
l don't tell this story very often,
but l remember
when l was seven years old,
l found a bird
that had fallen out of its nest.
So, l picked him up
and l brought him home,
and l made him a house
out of an empty shoebox, and...
My God!
l became a doctor for the same
four reasons everybody does:
Chicks, money, power and chicks.
But since HMOs have
made it virtually impossible
to make any real money,
which affects the number of chicks
who come sniffing around, and don't
ask what tree they're barking up,
cos they're sure not pissing on mine.
And as far as power goes, well...
Here l am during my free time
letting some 1 3-year-old
psychology fellow ask me questions
about my personal life.
So here's the inside scoop.
Why don't you go ahead
and tell me all about power?
Check her out.
- Dude, HFFA.
- Excuse me?
HFFA? ''Hot from far away''
but up close she's nasty.
That is so messed up.
l am sorry l made an insensitive
statement about an ugly person.
l'm taking one of those moments
where l weigh your good qualities
against your bad ones
and decide
if you're actually worth the trouble.
You made it. That was close.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Elliot's looking for a surgical consult.
- Do you know where she is?
- Why should l know?
l know where the Todd
would like Elliot to be. ln his pants.
Clever.
She's not going out with anyone.
You should ask her out.
Elliot and the Todd?
That's a terrible couple.
- Worse than Joanie and Chachi.
- Joanie loves Chachi.
The Todd is asking Elliot out.
- l think she'd be lucky to ride my...
- Please.
...motorcycle.
Gotcha.
God bless him.
When l was seven,
the only things that l loved
were my ColecoVision...
and Sandy Lowe.
Sandy was as fine
as a 7-year-old could be.
She had the body of a 9-year-old.
l joined the T-ball team
because she was on it.
l didn't care that much about sports.
But, during the first game,
l got all caught up,
and fell in love with competing.
And so, through
high school and college,
l pretty much played everything
because l needed to compete.
lt was my drug.
That's why l became a surgeon. Every day,
you get to step up to the table
and go one-on-one against
what's wrong with the patient.
And if you're really good at it,
you win most of the time.
l ran into Sandy Lowe last Christmas,
and she didn't look so good.
And that was kind of awkward, cos,
well, l look like this.
Are you following me?
No. You wanna go out some time?
With you?
Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.
No, Todd, l don't.
But l don't want you to think
it's because l'm a lesbian or anything.
l find you so creepy, l think you should
walk around with a bell around your neck.
All l heard was ''lesbian''.
Let me talk to her for you.
Why did he ask me out?
l don't know.
Because you're cute and you're fun,
and l told him to. Plus, there's rumours
going around that you're a lesbian.
You told me not to tell anyone about us,
so maybe l just wanna make a point.
And now l'm gonna kiss you.
lt's cool. JD's in the closet
talking to a girl for me.
White boys.
You too.
When l was little, my mom used to
have what she called ''episodes''.
''Episodes'' is a flattering term
for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and...
Let's just say her stomach talked.
Anyway, this one time,
we were at the supermarket
and she actually passed out.
And out of nowhere,
this fancy-looking guy comes forward
and tells everyone to step aside
and give my mother some air.
And everyone did.
You have to understand, in my family,
nobody listens to a word anyone else says.
Even screaming
at the top of our lungs... nothing.
So when this man said,
''Step aside'', and everyone did,
l asked my aunt, ''Who is this guy?''
And she said he was a doctor.
And l thought,
''l want to be a doctor too.''
But when l lost my first tooth,
and nobody left $1 80,000
under my pillow,
l decided to become a nurse.
We do all the real stuff anyway.
- You OK?
- Yeah.
l may eventually need a vagina transplant.
Go! Go!
We don't have much time!
You know what?
After l have sex five times with somebody,
l like to have the relationship talk.
l know it seems rushed,
but five times
usually takes me anywhere
between six months and seven years.
Let's do it.
Let's have the talk.
- You my boyfriend?
- Yep. You my girlfriend?
- Yep.
- Cool.
Good to talk things through.
l love that little laugh.
From now on, that is your laugh.
What?
l've seen you naked, so everything
you're doing, l'm watching you do it naked.
So, if l go like this...
l just... l saw all of that.
Don't be shy. Come here, baby.
- The echo report on the aorta...
- Bravo. Just a big bravo.
Heaven help me,
l love newbie theatre.
Honest, l do. lt's the way
you both play your parts
with such wonderful commitment
that almost had me believing
that you aren't having whiny, neurotic,
pale sex with each other.
What are you talking about?
The whole floor knows.
We do. Watch this.
Laverne, did you know?
Was it supposed to be a secret?
And Carla?
Please. l knew before they did.
So, there it is.
And if you go ahead
and listen very carefully,
you'll hear the familiar sound
of no one caring.
l like that guy.
When the Kelsonoviches
settled in Monroeville, PA,
there were two steel mills, three bars,
and not a doctor in sight.
Then my old man set up a shingle
and started delivering babies
and stitching up three-fingered
steel men by the wagonload.
Everybody loved him.
When they couldn't come up with the cash,
he would gladly
accept a handmade sweater
or a bushel of turnips.
Jackass.
Now l get to do this in public.
This is a hospital, all right?
People here are already sick.
You guys do it all the time.
- Tell me we don't look like that.
- We don't look like that.
You guys are just jealous
cos you're not
the hot couple in town any more.
Jealous, my chocolate butt!
l'm telling you, we are so damn hot,
last night, when l was
home waiting for Turk,
l put on this tiny negligee. lt was so small
l took it off my Latin Barbie...
When l got home, you were asleep,
drooling like a sheepdog.
You don't have to tell 'em that.
While you guys were sleeping,
we were up in the kitchen
fryin' up some love.
Relationships? Well, Sigmund,
relationships are so fragile.
lt just takes one thing, one...
...tiny little offence,
and it can snowball on you.
And if that snowball starts
to pick up speed, God forbid,
you better tuck and go.
Why did you do that?
How could you think
that's appropriate conversation for work?
- We didn't have sex.
- No.
- Especially not on the stove. What?
- That is not funny.
Sorry.
We didn't.
That's great. Thanks.
Thanks a lot, JD. Really mature.
Come on.
Elliot.
l am so full.
- Give me another slice.
- Really?
Yeah. Big one.
l cannot have any more
until l work off the last two slices.
So what do you say?
Fat, gassy, bloaty sex?
OK.
- l'm gonna puke!
- l don't care.
Mr Lewis,
we're gonna need another stool sample.
Not for medical reasons.
My robot needs food.
That laugh.
But it's your laugh. l gave it to you.
l love it so much,
l can't stop using it.
lt's not as charming if you're mad.
You only laugh at your own jokes.
You never laugh at anything l do.
That's not true.
...colonoscopy.
Dr Cox, l'm open!
Hit me!
There was nothing funny about that.
Maybe you just don't know funny.
Let me help you out.
Silly hats are funny.
ALF? Very funny!
Anyone in a chicken suit...
Oversized phones are funny.
- JD...
- Hold on.
Hello?
She's right here.
lt's for you.
You know what?
You're not as funny as you think you are.
And bam!
The shine's off the apple.
That's when you find out that
that pretty girl you married
isn't a pretty girl at all.
No. She's a man-eater.
And l'm not talking about the ''Whoa,
whoa, here she comes'' kind of man-eater.
l'm talking about the kind
that uses your dignity as a dishtowel
to wipe up any shreds of manhood
that might be stuck inside the sink.
l may have tormented her
from time to time,
but that's what l thought
marriage was all about.
So much so,
that by the end of that relationship,
l honestly don't know
who l hated more: her or me.
l used to sit around and wonder
why our friends weren't trying
to destroy each other, like we were.
And here it turns out
the answer's pretty simple.
They weren't unhappy.
We were.
l suck at this.
Sorry.
You look great bent over.
l rolled that damn thing exactly
the way the video l bought told me to.
Probably just a bad ball.
You don't have to patronise me.
Tell me that l suck.
lt's hard to be honest
when you're so neurotic
you don't even trust the computer
to keep your score.
- l'm neurotic?
- l'm sorry!
- ls it always this hard?
- Bowling's a tricky sport.
- No, l meant...
- l know.
lt's difficult for everybody.
- My baby got a strike!
- l got a strike!
- My baby did it!
- l got a strike!
Knock 'em down!
My baby know how to knock 'em down!
- Turk! l'm dizzy!
- Sorry.
l'm sorry about him.
My turn!
Want me to pick you up?
Enid has always understood
how much my career meant to me.
She knows
l'm an important man in my field,
and it helps her get on all those
boards of things her friends are on.
You know, like, bringing art
to the underprivileged kids
in the community, blah, blah, blah.
When l first met her,
she wanted to be a psychiatrist.
But we both decided
that that wasn't a fitting profession
for a family woman.
No offence, sweetheart.
l know she's grateful.
She likes to joke that
l choked the last breath of life
out of her long ago.
Now she's just a shell of a woman.
l think that's so cute.
l call her Shelly.
You know, when l call her that,
sometimes she laughs so hard,
she cries a little.
You should've gotten a cardiology fellow
to give Mrs Zuckerman
a transvenous pacemaker one hour ago.
Sir, l was waiting to see...
You were waiting. l'm sorry, that's...
That's my mistake.
l'm gonna wait with ya.
Dr Cox...
Gotta give it time.
Because, you see,
when you're waiting for someone
to get better all by themselves,
the whole thing becomes about time.
l was waiting to see if she would
tolerate her low heart rate,
which is what the textbooks tell us to do.
Am l right, JD?
- ls she right, JD?
- Technically, yes.
But it's really a judgment call,
and if she really was that bradycardic,
l probably would've called the fellow.
But l... That's me. l...
Always side with the hoochie, Newbie?
lt's a rookie mistake.
You hate to see it.
- Tell you about my girlfriend?
- Tell you about my boyfriend?
OK.
l can be myself around Carla.
Turk makes me feel completely safe
and totally independent
at the same time.
And it's all the same,
whether l'm with her or with my boys.
l can say whatever's on my mind.
And even if he doesn't like it,
even if he doesn't understand it,
he respects it.
Don't get me wrong. l'm not gonna
give my boys a back rub.
Sure, if a brother's got an itch,
l'll scratch it, but...
He seems to like who l am.
She's a cool lady.
- l love her.
- l love him.
l should've stood up for you
with Dr Cox.
You should've.
l don't want him to think
it's about our relationship.
l know that you want Dr Cox
to respect you,
but you should want me
to respect you too.
lf l didn't respect you,
l wouldn't be having sex with you.
- That's not true. l would be.
- lf you can't talk for real, forget it.
A perfect dismount
off her high horse.
lf you don't like something, say it.
Why hide behind stupid jokes?
Why is it impossible for you
to let anything go?
l let stuff go, like when you wouldn't
stand up for me with Dr Cox,
or when you told everyone
we're having sex.
- When are you letting that go?
- You wanna know why l won't let that go?
You wouldn't stand up for me
because you're terrified
that someone won't like you.
And that's a bad thing?
Why don't we get all my friends together
in a room and we'll fight your friend.
l'm getting so tired of this.
Elliot, this is me.
And there's a lot of people here
who like me for who l am.
- l thought you were one of 'em.
- l thought l was too.
Relationships don't work
the way they do in the movies.
Will they? Won't they? They finally do
and they're happy for ever.
Nine out of ten end because they
weren't right for each other to begin with,
and half of the ones that get married
get divorced anyway.
And through all this,
l have not become a cynic.
l do happen to believe
that love is mainly about
pushing chocolate-covered candies,
and you know, in some cultures, a chicken.
You can call me a sucker.
l don't care.
Because l do believe in it.
Bottom line is couples
that are right for each other
wade through the same crap
as everybody else.
But the big difference is,
they don't let it take 'em down.
One of those two people
will fight for that relationship
every time, if it's right
and they're real lucky.
One of 'em will say something.
Things that wouldn't have bothered
you a week ago in a friendship
become so incredibly important
when sex is involved.
l just think it'd be easier
if you weren't friends
with your girlfriend
at all.
l've always been sure about everything.
Sure that l wanted to be a doctor,
and l was sure that l was gonna
be married by the time l was 25.
But relationships...
l always heard that
when they were right, they were easy.
That even when things got hard
that they were easy.
l don't get that at all.
How is that possible?
Am l in a relationship now?
No. l'm not in one now.
No.
l can't believe today's over.
- l can't believe l ate half a pizza.
- Please. You had two pieces.
lf you tell anyone anything about today,
please leave that part out.
l will, cos l'm a gentleman.
Do you think this is gonna work out?
Yeah. l think it's gonna be great.
l believe you.
l believe me too.