Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 14 - My Drug Buddy - full transcript
Some pain killers have gone missing and Alex and Elliot argue over where they may have ended up. Turk discovers Cox may have inappropriate feelings for Carla.
When you're crazy about someone,
even waking up isn't so bad any more.
Good morning.
The air feels crisper,
the sun seems brighter.
Even your morning breath smells good.
- You taste like old eggs.
- l'm so sorry.
l love old eggs.
You are so different
from the guys l usually go out with.
- How so?
- For starters,
l'm still wearing pants.
That is because l respect you.
Yeah?
And also, this triple knot,
l couldn't get out.
Thanks for being so patient with me.
l hope you don't think l'm a big tease.
l just love sleeping
in the same bed with you.
l've never slept better.
Me neither.
l'll go ahead and say it.
l hope we never have sex.
What would you say if l told you
that l feel ready right now?
- Whatever.
- Then l think tonight...
Tonight is good,
but now also good.
Now works. Sure.
Now, that's what l'm talking about.
- Get out!
- 7.1 5, ya'll. Gotta go to work.
Since Alex is a social worker,
she's here a lot.
For some guys, that would be
distracting, but I'm staying focused.
You're on my foot.
l'm so sorry.
Please step on my foot.
l'm just waiting for an excuse.
- Not today.
- Really? Why not?
l get it. Nice pull.
You slept with her yet?
What? l am not discussing that with you.
- That's a no.
- Listen, Jolly Green.
People's personal lives are just that,
personal.
That's a definite no.
Good to see you again, Mr Barnes.
We'll be with you in a moment.
Put him in bed six.
Laverne, are you
in fact part golden retriever?
Keep it holy now.
Because every time l toss this guy,
you bring him right back to me.
All right, Will & Grace. Breakdown.
With his elevated lipase,
l'd say pancreatitis.
Grace, you wanna finish?
- Start with a Demerol drip...
- The throbbing's back.
Admitted for substance abuse
three times in the past year.
- But he said he quit.
- The addict said he quit?
Why wouldn't you tell me that?
- That changes everything.
- l believe in Mr Barnes.
Just because you have
a new girlfriend doesn't mean
that the world has suddenly
turned into a giant green M&M.
The Red Sox still suck, they do.
Barbie here still can't decide
what to do with those annoying bangs,
and addicts everywhere
will still lie to get a fix.
Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart.
You're gonna be late for school...
You wet the bed.
Why can't l have a normal child
without these problems?
My mom says they frame my face.
They don't.
Wait, please wait, wait
Go, bus.
Go. Go.
She didn't see you, Bob.
Just stay perfectly still.
Dr Kelso!
- Can l get a ride to the hospital?
- Of course, dear. Glad to do it.
Dr Cox and l have been friends for
a long time. You should get to know him.
- Do l have to?
- Yeah, you have to.
ln case you were wondering,
it says, ''if you can read this,
you're standing too close''.
l wasn't trying to look.
Let's see if you can tinkle
when someone's staring at you.
Go ahead and take your time.
l have all day.
Come on.
l've been Mr Barnes' caseworker
for a long time.
He just needs
everyone to cut him some slack.
Here, let me get this door for you.
l mean,
people just don't understand addiction.
Why are we in the on-call room?
Have you ever fooled around in here?
Lots of times.
- Never with anyone, but...
- Would you like to change that?
Yes, please.
Elliot.
Can you come back in two minutes?
Or 80 minutes?
The nurses did a check.
There's 50 Percocet missing.
We should split up into teams
and search every room.
We'll take this one.
Fine.
They're gonna go right to Mr Barnes.
l'm gonna check on him.
- Alex?
- What?
- l don't like it when you leave.
- Come here.
Tonight we'll pick up
right where we left off.
20 bucks says it never happens.
What, you're offended?
- Bob, how are you?
- Fine, Allan.
Today, l think l'll try a double
half-caf multi-foam latte mochaccino
with a shot of vanilla
and a sprinkle of nutmeg.
- Black coffee?
- Bingo-bango.
These people actually like you.
Maybe you should just order.
l'll have an espresso, please, and...
What kind of scones do you have?
Do you mind, lady? l am in a rush.
My goodness, l'm so sorry.
What am l doing, thinking l can take an
extra six seconds to pick my breakfast?
l have to call my mom, tell her
she did a lousy job raising me.
Thank you so much.
l think what she means is,
she doesn't give a crappuccino.
This is on me.
God help me, l love spunk.
How you doing?
How are you?
Can l buy you a beer?
This is a men's room. There's absolutely
no talking in here. Ever.
lt's just so freaky.
We're on the same pee schedule.
No, we're not.
This is not good.
Why assume Mr Barnes stole it?
There's lots of people on that ward.
Good point.
Three of them are in comas,
two can't walk, one's a nun.
Also a valid point.
Elliot, l'm sure Mr Barnes
didn't take the drugs.
He has been in rehab
for over six months.
There's no reason to be so judgmental.
l am not judgmental. lf l were,
l'd tell you your shoes are ugly.
Do not stoop to her level.
Your bangs make you
look like a chipmunk.
lt's a frame! Why can nobody see that?
Can we get back to the matter at hand?
Fine. So who do you think's right?
Yeah.
Crap.
For the love of Oprah,
why would you come to Paediatrics?
l can't go unless you're around.
You're my little pee buddy!
What do you say we cut to the chase?
You're dating Carla, the one person
in this hospital l can remotely stand
and she wants us to get all kissy-faced
with each other. l get it. l do.
But every single time
l shake my magic eight ball
and ask it
''Are we gonna be best friends?''
- Do you know what it says?
- No.
Outlook is buh-leak.
Dr Cox, you really can't
trust those things.
When l was 9, l asked mine if l should
open it and drink the fluid inside.
l puked blue for three days.
Just a real cute story.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Go back to Carla.
Don't obsess about why she's with you.
Just tell her we went to a ballgame
and we borrowed each other's sweaters.
- N-kay, little buddy?
- What a...
l don't think we should stand for it.
Dr Kelso can't just decide we're not
allowed to switch shifts any more.
l was supposed to see
my nephew tonight in Pippin.
- Who's he playing?
- Pippin.
Bob Kelso is a bad man.
l don't know. We never think about
how hard it is to always be the bad guy.
l want him to die.
- Hello, sweetness.
- Ladies.
Carla, l was thinking about what
you said about your mother's birthday.
l don't want her spending it alone,
so l've arranged for you to swap shifts.
- Dr Kelso...
- Don't mention it.
Should l pick you up tomorrow
at the same place?
Great.
Goodbye, all you smiling faces.
- Who'd you side with? Elliot or Alex?
- Neither. l pretended l was paged.
When they said they didn't hear it,
l called them liars and ran.
- They both have a point.
- Stick to the booty principle.
- What's that?
- Who do you want to sleep with?
- Alex.
- Then she might be right.
I'm not sure about Turk's advice.
Sometimes he oversimplifies things.
Especially when it comes to booty.
What would you say if l told you
l feel ready right now?
l agree with Alex.
l've been thinking about it a lot.
l think she's right about Mr Barnes.
We can't just jump to conclusions.
l am so surprised.
Tell me something.
- What do you think about Alex?
- No way!
l'm saying nothing about a girl
you're sleeping with.
He's not sleeping with her.
No ramifications, nothing.
Tell me what you...
l don't like or trust her.
l'm afraid she's gonna hurt you.
- You're jealous.
- Shut up.
Shut up because you're so jealous of her
that you don't even care
that l'm happy.
Do you honestly believe
that's what's going on here?
Do not under any circumstances
say what you're thinking.
l'm sorry,
but you had your chance with me.
Why don't I ever listen to me?
Don't worry about yesterday.
Elliot's not the type
that holds a grudge.
Then again...
You should tell your neighbour you will
hang your hammock wherever you please,
and if she doesn't like it,
she can move.
That's what l like about you, Carla.
You don't give a rat's ass
what anybody thinks.
- Morning, Dr Kelso.
- Nurses.
Get up!
l want to apologise
for not showing up last night.
l got home and totally passed out.
l wasn't even sure
we had a definite plan, so...
l'm sorry l couldn't make it.
She seemed sorry. l am too.
Someone called for a surgical consult?
You're Dr Turk?
Of course you are. Note to self.
You've got to start writing down
the names of people that annoy you.
Yeah. What's up?
Two-vessel disease.
He hasn't been on medical management...
When an attending calls
a lowly intern for a consult,
it's an unwritten law the intern
should agree with whatever he says.
Don't you agree?
Actually, sir,
l recommend bypass surgery.
That's my pager.
You're wrong.
He's so wrong.
You make me so angry, l...
l have to pee.
Me, too.
Look at her.
She's not even gonna say hi to me.
Fine, I won't say hi to her. Ever.
I can't believe how stubborn she is.
I am the wrong man to play chicken with.
She'll blink... any second now.
She is so stubborn.
Laverne, could you hand me some gauze?
Maybe Dr Kelso can pick you up
and take you to the gauze store.
- All right now, listen.
- Carla.
This paperwork has your signature on it
and it is totally sub-par.
l won't stand
for this kind of shoddy work.
Let me help you.
You went and got an intern to agree
with you so the guy doesn't get surgery?
- You caught me.
- A bypass is the right call.
Considering the risks...
He's a diabetic
with two-vessel disease...
Antianginals
could be equally effective.
- Either treatment could work?
- Sure.
So what are we arguing about?
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, sweetie.
It was just then they realised
what was really going on.
Dr Cox was in love
with Turk's girlfriend.
- Either of you want a sandwich?
- l'm all set.
So, every tox screening came back
negative on Mr Barnes.
- He didn't take anything.
- So?
So, you were wrong.
lt's not about that any more, is it?
When you can't make things right
with one of your best friends,
nothing can make you feel better.
l'm finally off.
Do you wanna get outta here?
Hello?
So, are we doing this or what?
Dr Kelso.
- Yes, what is it?
- l wanted to thank you.
For what you did.
When you yelled at me
in front of the other nurses.
- l appreciate it.
- Young lady,
l yelled at you because that paperwork
looked like it had been done
by a drunk four-year-old.
Listen, Carla,
l have a family who loves me,
a handful of close friends and
a wonderful hobby shop in my basement.
l don't spend much time worrying
about people's feelings around here.
l just do whatever makes me happy.
So...
can l still get a ride tomorrow?
l don't know
if l've forgiven you yet for hiding.
But you could always skip
the bus tomorrow morning
and take your chances.
We're both men.
One of us more than the other.
- But that's OK.
- What do you want?
l'm not gonna do anything
to mess up you and Carla.
l won't tell her how you feel.
lt's not my place.
But the minute you screw this thing up,
and you will screw it up,
l'll be waiting.
lf you're gonna wait,
l'd bring a book,
cos it's gonna be a while.
- You going in?
- l'm right behind you.
Remember when the new Star Wars
movie came out and it was built up,
but it really wasn't that great in bed?
Relax. The first one's a freebie,
so you can get your form back.
l'm gonna change.
l already brushed eight times but l'm
gonna take some mints out of your purse.
See, all l did was lose the pants,
but l think it gives me
a completely different look.
- These are Percocet.
- JD.
You never came over last night
cos you passed out.
Yep, l should go.
The speech sounds the same
no matter whose mouth it comes out of.
Even someone you thought
you could really like.
You don't understand, OK?
My job comes with a lot of stress.
lt's not like l have a serious problem.
We ended up talking
for a while after that.
I gave her some names
of people that could help her.
But she never got back to me.
After that, things got back to normal.
- You owe me 20 bucks.
- No, but l never even made...
20 bucks.
All right, l should've done this
a long time ago, so here goes.
l'm sorry. l shouldn't have
accused you of being jealous.
You were just looking out for me.
You were right about Alex.
You never did sleep with her, did you?
Nah. But why does that matter?
Because l was jealous.
Are you sure?
What are you thinking about?
This.
even waking up isn't so bad any more.
Good morning.
The air feels crisper,
the sun seems brighter.
Even your morning breath smells good.
- You taste like old eggs.
- l'm so sorry.
l love old eggs.
You are so different
from the guys l usually go out with.
- How so?
- For starters,
l'm still wearing pants.
That is because l respect you.
Yeah?
And also, this triple knot,
l couldn't get out.
Thanks for being so patient with me.
l hope you don't think l'm a big tease.
l just love sleeping
in the same bed with you.
l've never slept better.
Me neither.
l'll go ahead and say it.
l hope we never have sex.
What would you say if l told you
that l feel ready right now?
- Whatever.
- Then l think tonight...
Tonight is good,
but now also good.
Now works. Sure.
Now, that's what l'm talking about.
- Get out!
- 7.1 5, ya'll. Gotta go to work.
Since Alex is a social worker,
she's here a lot.
For some guys, that would be
distracting, but I'm staying focused.
You're on my foot.
l'm so sorry.
Please step on my foot.
l'm just waiting for an excuse.
- Not today.
- Really? Why not?
l get it. Nice pull.
You slept with her yet?
What? l am not discussing that with you.
- That's a no.
- Listen, Jolly Green.
People's personal lives are just that,
personal.
That's a definite no.
Good to see you again, Mr Barnes.
We'll be with you in a moment.
Put him in bed six.
Laverne, are you
in fact part golden retriever?
Keep it holy now.
Because every time l toss this guy,
you bring him right back to me.
All right, Will & Grace. Breakdown.
With his elevated lipase,
l'd say pancreatitis.
Grace, you wanna finish?
- Start with a Demerol drip...
- The throbbing's back.
Admitted for substance abuse
three times in the past year.
- But he said he quit.
- The addict said he quit?
Why wouldn't you tell me that?
- That changes everything.
- l believe in Mr Barnes.
Just because you have
a new girlfriend doesn't mean
that the world has suddenly
turned into a giant green M&M.
The Red Sox still suck, they do.
Barbie here still can't decide
what to do with those annoying bangs,
and addicts everywhere
will still lie to get a fix.
Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart.
You're gonna be late for school...
You wet the bed.
Why can't l have a normal child
without these problems?
My mom says they frame my face.
They don't.
Wait, please wait, wait
Go, bus.
Go. Go.
She didn't see you, Bob.
Just stay perfectly still.
Dr Kelso!
- Can l get a ride to the hospital?
- Of course, dear. Glad to do it.
Dr Cox and l have been friends for
a long time. You should get to know him.
- Do l have to?
- Yeah, you have to.
ln case you were wondering,
it says, ''if you can read this,
you're standing too close''.
l wasn't trying to look.
Let's see if you can tinkle
when someone's staring at you.
Go ahead and take your time.
l have all day.
Come on.
l've been Mr Barnes' caseworker
for a long time.
He just needs
everyone to cut him some slack.
Here, let me get this door for you.
l mean,
people just don't understand addiction.
Why are we in the on-call room?
Have you ever fooled around in here?
Lots of times.
- Never with anyone, but...
- Would you like to change that?
Yes, please.
Elliot.
Can you come back in two minutes?
Or 80 minutes?
The nurses did a check.
There's 50 Percocet missing.
We should split up into teams
and search every room.
We'll take this one.
Fine.
They're gonna go right to Mr Barnes.
l'm gonna check on him.
- Alex?
- What?
- l don't like it when you leave.
- Come here.
Tonight we'll pick up
right where we left off.
20 bucks says it never happens.
What, you're offended?
- Bob, how are you?
- Fine, Allan.
Today, l think l'll try a double
half-caf multi-foam latte mochaccino
with a shot of vanilla
and a sprinkle of nutmeg.
- Black coffee?
- Bingo-bango.
These people actually like you.
Maybe you should just order.
l'll have an espresso, please, and...
What kind of scones do you have?
Do you mind, lady? l am in a rush.
My goodness, l'm so sorry.
What am l doing, thinking l can take an
extra six seconds to pick my breakfast?
l have to call my mom, tell her
she did a lousy job raising me.
Thank you so much.
l think what she means is,
she doesn't give a crappuccino.
This is on me.
God help me, l love spunk.
How you doing?
How are you?
Can l buy you a beer?
This is a men's room. There's absolutely
no talking in here. Ever.
lt's just so freaky.
We're on the same pee schedule.
No, we're not.
This is not good.
Why assume Mr Barnes stole it?
There's lots of people on that ward.
Good point.
Three of them are in comas,
two can't walk, one's a nun.
Also a valid point.
Elliot, l'm sure Mr Barnes
didn't take the drugs.
He has been in rehab
for over six months.
There's no reason to be so judgmental.
l am not judgmental. lf l were,
l'd tell you your shoes are ugly.
Do not stoop to her level.
Your bangs make you
look like a chipmunk.
lt's a frame! Why can nobody see that?
Can we get back to the matter at hand?
Fine. So who do you think's right?
Yeah.
Crap.
For the love of Oprah,
why would you come to Paediatrics?
l can't go unless you're around.
You're my little pee buddy!
What do you say we cut to the chase?
You're dating Carla, the one person
in this hospital l can remotely stand
and she wants us to get all kissy-faced
with each other. l get it. l do.
But every single time
l shake my magic eight ball
and ask it
''Are we gonna be best friends?''
- Do you know what it says?
- No.
Outlook is buh-leak.
Dr Cox, you really can't
trust those things.
When l was 9, l asked mine if l should
open it and drink the fluid inside.
l puked blue for three days.
Just a real cute story.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Go back to Carla.
Don't obsess about why she's with you.
Just tell her we went to a ballgame
and we borrowed each other's sweaters.
- N-kay, little buddy?
- What a...
l don't think we should stand for it.
Dr Kelso can't just decide we're not
allowed to switch shifts any more.
l was supposed to see
my nephew tonight in Pippin.
- Who's he playing?
- Pippin.
Bob Kelso is a bad man.
l don't know. We never think about
how hard it is to always be the bad guy.
l want him to die.
- Hello, sweetness.
- Ladies.
Carla, l was thinking about what
you said about your mother's birthday.
l don't want her spending it alone,
so l've arranged for you to swap shifts.
- Dr Kelso...
- Don't mention it.
Should l pick you up tomorrow
at the same place?
Great.
Goodbye, all you smiling faces.
- Who'd you side with? Elliot or Alex?
- Neither. l pretended l was paged.
When they said they didn't hear it,
l called them liars and ran.
- They both have a point.
- Stick to the booty principle.
- What's that?
- Who do you want to sleep with?
- Alex.
- Then she might be right.
I'm not sure about Turk's advice.
Sometimes he oversimplifies things.
Especially when it comes to booty.
What would you say if l told you
l feel ready right now?
l agree with Alex.
l've been thinking about it a lot.
l think she's right about Mr Barnes.
We can't just jump to conclusions.
l am so surprised.
Tell me something.
- What do you think about Alex?
- No way!
l'm saying nothing about a girl
you're sleeping with.
He's not sleeping with her.
No ramifications, nothing.
Tell me what you...
l don't like or trust her.
l'm afraid she's gonna hurt you.
- You're jealous.
- Shut up.
Shut up because you're so jealous of her
that you don't even care
that l'm happy.
Do you honestly believe
that's what's going on here?
Do not under any circumstances
say what you're thinking.
l'm sorry,
but you had your chance with me.
Why don't I ever listen to me?
Don't worry about yesterday.
Elliot's not the type
that holds a grudge.
Then again...
You should tell your neighbour you will
hang your hammock wherever you please,
and if she doesn't like it,
she can move.
That's what l like about you, Carla.
You don't give a rat's ass
what anybody thinks.
- Morning, Dr Kelso.
- Nurses.
Get up!
l want to apologise
for not showing up last night.
l got home and totally passed out.
l wasn't even sure
we had a definite plan, so...
l'm sorry l couldn't make it.
She seemed sorry. l am too.
Someone called for a surgical consult?
You're Dr Turk?
Of course you are. Note to self.
You've got to start writing down
the names of people that annoy you.
Yeah. What's up?
Two-vessel disease.
He hasn't been on medical management...
When an attending calls
a lowly intern for a consult,
it's an unwritten law the intern
should agree with whatever he says.
Don't you agree?
Actually, sir,
l recommend bypass surgery.
That's my pager.
You're wrong.
He's so wrong.
You make me so angry, l...
l have to pee.
Me, too.
Look at her.
She's not even gonna say hi to me.
Fine, I won't say hi to her. Ever.
I can't believe how stubborn she is.
I am the wrong man to play chicken with.
She'll blink... any second now.
She is so stubborn.
Laverne, could you hand me some gauze?
Maybe Dr Kelso can pick you up
and take you to the gauze store.
- All right now, listen.
- Carla.
This paperwork has your signature on it
and it is totally sub-par.
l won't stand
for this kind of shoddy work.
Let me help you.
You went and got an intern to agree
with you so the guy doesn't get surgery?
- You caught me.
- A bypass is the right call.
Considering the risks...
He's a diabetic
with two-vessel disease...
Antianginals
could be equally effective.
- Either treatment could work?
- Sure.
So what are we arguing about?
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, sweetie.
It was just then they realised
what was really going on.
Dr Cox was in love
with Turk's girlfriend.
- Either of you want a sandwich?
- l'm all set.
So, every tox screening came back
negative on Mr Barnes.
- He didn't take anything.
- So?
So, you were wrong.
lt's not about that any more, is it?
When you can't make things right
with one of your best friends,
nothing can make you feel better.
l'm finally off.
Do you wanna get outta here?
Hello?
So, are we doing this or what?
Dr Kelso.
- Yes, what is it?
- l wanted to thank you.
For what you did.
When you yelled at me
in front of the other nurses.
- l appreciate it.
- Young lady,
l yelled at you because that paperwork
looked like it had been done
by a drunk four-year-old.
Listen, Carla,
l have a family who loves me,
a handful of close friends and
a wonderful hobby shop in my basement.
l don't spend much time worrying
about people's feelings around here.
l just do whatever makes me happy.
So...
can l still get a ride tomorrow?
l don't know
if l've forgiven you yet for hiding.
But you could always skip
the bus tomorrow morning
and take your chances.
We're both men.
One of us more than the other.
- But that's OK.
- What do you want?
l'm not gonna do anything
to mess up you and Carla.
l won't tell her how you feel.
lt's not my place.
But the minute you screw this thing up,
and you will screw it up,
l'll be waiting.
lf you're gonna wait,
l'd bring a book,
cos it's gonna be a while.
- You going in?
- l'm right behind you.
Remember when the new Star Wars
movie came out and it was built up,
but it really wasn't that great in bed?
Relax. The first one's a freebie,
so you can get your form back.
l'm gonna change.
l already brushed eight times but l'm
gonna take some mints out of your purse.
See, all l did was lose the pants,
but l think it gives me
a completely different look.
- These are Percocet.
- JD.
You never came over last night
cos you passed out.
Yep, l should go.
The speech sounds the same
no matter whose mouth it comes out of.
Even someone you thought
you could really like.
You don't understand, OK?
My job comes with a lot of stress.
lt's not like l have a serious problem.
We ended up talking
for a while after that.
I gave her some names
of people that could help her.
But she never got back to me.
After that, things got back to normal.
- You owe me 20 bucks.
- No, but l never even made...
20 bucks.
All right, l should've done this
a long time ago, so here goes.
l'm sorry. l shouldn't have
accused you of being jealous.
You were just looking out for me.
You were right about Alex.
You never did sleep with her, did you?
Nah. But why does that matter?
Because l was jealous.
Are you sure?
What are you thinking about?
This.