Screen Two (1985–2002): Season 9, Episode 1 - The Clothes in the Wardrobe - full transcript

[bright music]

[exotic music]

[dramatic music]

[woman screaming]

Margaret, I'm spoiling you.

When you have your own
home, you won't have time

for breakfast in bed.

Don't take forever, we have
the guest list to finish.

I do wish you'd pull
yourself together.

Always seem so far away.

-You dreaming about Syl?
-Who?



[car engine revs]

Dreaming, Mom?

Oh, Syl.

You look like your father.

[Syl chuckles]

He was a good man, I suppose
but I don't dream about him.

You know, you mustn't worry.

-About what?
-About the marriage.

After all, we've known
Margaret all our lives,

she's always lived nextdoor.

Now she'll be here just a little
bit more, that's all, hmm?

I'm not bringing a
stranger into the house

or even distant relatives.

Be like the royals,
hey. [Syl chuckles]



So, truly, Mom,
nothing will change,

it will all be the same.

Yes, dear.

Poor Margaret.

[dramatic music]

Oh, soon, dog, soon.

My bones are cold.

When you get as old as I
am, your bones cold too.

You're too fat.

One of these days you're
gonna burst like a sausage

in a pan.

You're too fat and I'm too old.

And that girl, dog,

that girl is too quiet.

[car engine revs]

It's colder than
a witch's whatnot.

-Pardon?
-Oh, it's

-just a saying.
-Oh.

* [indistinct] just to
make his girlfriend smile *

[people chatter]

Who's he with?

* [indistinct] for awhile *

You must show me Egypt.

Egypt.

[Syl chuckles]

On our honeymoon.

Yes, if you'd like.

Well, you must know
unusual places.

-Where?
-In Egypt.

There are free, you
know, tourist part.

When you were there
six months ago, hmm?

Then you returned and I
proposed. [Syl giggles]

-Jolly good timing weren't?
-Yeah.

I never did understand
why Monica sent you there.

I was born there.

Only just.

I remember your father, fresh
face from the foreign office

in Cairo moving in next
door with his wife and baby.

Do you?

-You remember that?
-Yeah.

It's a musing club, isn't it?

Shall we dance?

[upbeat music]

* Da da da da da sucks *

* Doing all the [indistinct] *

* Doing all the styles *

* That's why all the young
folks doing all the while *

-She sent me there.
-What?

She sent me there to
improve my French.

[Syl hollers] Did you?

* Well pulling *

* All the stops *

More or less

* But that's what all
young folks pulling *

* Do it all the while *

Goodnight, dear.

[car engine revs]

[Margaret yells]

I look silly.

You've lost weight.

So white.

Of course, wedding
gowns are white.

What's the matter with you,

I've never known such
a miserable bride.

It's cold, that's all.

Cold after Egypt.

Oh well, yes, Egypt is warm.

Speaking of which,
I had a letter

from Lili this morning.

They're visiting England.

Jump up.

Having invited her to stay
for the wedding and Robert,

of course, he's an artist.

Poor Lili, it's been
years since I've seen her.

They stayed on in Egypt.

She's half Egyptian, you know.

Her father was
tremendously wealthy

until the government
sequestered all his property.

Why are you looking so blank?

Lili, my bridesmaid.

My best friend back in Egypt.

I don't remember her.

Lili, good heavens.

Are they back then?

Well, Robert's
got an exhibition,

now they're staying
with me for a few weeks.

Lili, I haven't given
her a thought for years.

More tea?

[car engine revs]

My dears!

Ah, my darling,
after all this time.

Lili.

So much water under your bridge,

it's so good to see you.

[Monica laughs]

-Monsieur.
-Thank you.

Thank you and this must be
Margaret, little Margaret,

little no more.

And so beautiful.

Oh, congratulations
on the big event.

One really only congratulates
the groom, not the bride.

Oh, dear, is that
a superstition?

I hope you're doing
the right thing.

You're supposed to wish
the bride happiness.

Happiness, good god, one
must never expect that

from marriage.

A few quiet moments
if you're lucky

and an occasional date that
doesn't incite you to murder.

Oh, that's very heavy.

I suspect you're strong.

-Am I in the same room?
-Yes, Lili.

Now, you must forget
I'm here, I insist.

You must go on with
your preparations,

as though you were alone.

I promise I won't
even offer to help.

Where's Robert, I thought
Robert was coming with you.

Robert's off on
gallery business.

He'll be along tomorrow.

I remember the smell of
this house, fancy that.

I remember you when
you were little.

You look tired,
aren't you sleeping?

I sleep too much.

Yes, it sometimes
takes one that way.

Silly hag.

I've forgotten how
exhausted she could be.

You know, she was
in the sixth form

when I first went to school.

And she walked over to
me, [indistinct] actually

and punched me in the face.

I knew I'd made a friend.

Of course, she was
finally expelled.

Is Syl still as good-looking?

Oh, he plays games,
keeps himself in trim.

Oh, I see, sweat.

Well, it's the prime of life.

Aren't we all?

Tell Lili what you
thought of Egypt.

It was very nice.

Ah, it's always
best not to gush.

And your hostess, Marie-Claire,
what did you make of her?

She was very kind.

She's terribly clever.

-Who?
-Marie-Claire.

All except kind but clever,

she hasn't the
sense of a chicken.

Oh but Lili, she was cleverer
than all of us at school,

she was top of her class.

She cheated.

Oh, you always did talk
frightful nonsense.

She was daft.

How can you say that when
Marie-Claire was so good to you?

I mean, there's nothing
worse than ingratitude guest.

Oh, the old lamb
looks delicious.

How's your dreaded ex-husband?

Oh, Lili.

Is Derek coming to the wedding?

Yes and his family.

Hmm, what's the wife like?

-Nice little thing.
-Hmm-mm.

Her name's Cynthia.

Mm, yuck.

[women laugh]

[slow music]

No!

What?

Nothing, I was dreaming.

What you need is a
couple of babies.

That'll stop your dreaming.

Can you really rile
up another day.

What do you want for breakfast?

Croissant.

Don't have croissant in Croydon.

Coffee then.

A lot of coffee beans, hemlock.

There's coffee.

Ah pure joy.

I'm dying to see Syl again.

He'll come this evening.

Good, it might cheer you up.

On the other hand, it might not.

It isn't any fun, you know.

-What?
-Being young.

-I'm short of a chop.
-Nonsense, you look fine.

For dinner, I only have four,
Robert and Syl make five,

Robert is coming, isn't he?

I'll go and buy you one.

It isn't like you to fuss
about a missing chop.

I've got so much on my mind.

I know, you look like
rain, poor sweet.

Margaret will come too.

Oh, she never leaves the house.

Come on, Margaret, we're
going to practise walking.

I used to walk in Egypt.

How did Syl propose,
on his knees?

No, just asked me to
marry him one night.

And I didn't reply,
so, we were engaged.

[Lili chuckles]

I'd forgotten how
romantic the English were.

Stilling living with
his mother is he.

-Yes.
-At 40.

[Lili chuckles]

I'll tell you what I think,
he's either a masochist

or in view of your
age a paedophile.

Let's hope he's a masochist.

At night when you don't
fancy anything else,

it's fairly easy
to crack a whip.

I wonder if he
wears lace panties.

Egyptian men don't as a rule

but the British
are a breed apart.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

It's a three-ring
circus down at the Oaks.

Telephone calls,
wedding dresses,

that Lili leaving
her stuff all over.

Oh, rich slumper is she?

Oh, she's all right.

Shows off a bit, but not
so as anyone would mind.

Mm.

That husband finally turned up.

Oh, yes, her husband.

Weddings are such a nuisance.

I prefer funerals,
food's better.

Now we can get some Merlot wine,

garlic and red pepper.

Your cuisine despite your
faith is so Protestant.

I'll cook an Egyptian meal,
make you feel at home.

[all laugh]

Basically it was
Egypt's loss, Lili,

should never have
given up dancing.

It isn't natural to
dance on one's toes.

I got tired of it.

People can't fly,
they can only jump.

I disliked the artifice.

You meant to suspend disbelief.

I don't see why I should,
anyhow, I wanted to stay

with my husband.

I didn't want to keep on
dancing around the world.

Do you remember when I was
dancing around the world?

Yes, summer seasons in Fayyum.

[Lili laughs]

I'm so glad I haven't
married a successful man.

[all laugh]

What a bore it would have been.

I should have never expressed
myself for my potential.

You've always been
the same, Lili.

-Oh.
-[Syl chuckles]

Look at you Syl,
you've hardly changed.

Well, I take care of myself.

-Mm.
-Feel.

Mm.

[dramatic music]

[Monica] I mean, I haven't
discussed anything with her.

Well, you don't think
she's a virgin, do you?

Oh, Lili, surely
you don't think Syl?

Oh, darling, you can
be so stupid sometimes.

[Lili laughs]

She should wear
red for contrast.

Oh, god, that's so English.

You should never underestimate
the power of clothes.

She shall go completely
in grey, pale lipstick,

a little powder, then she
can slip into Bond Street

without looking as though
she came from Croydon.

She does come from Croydon.

There's no need to look
as though she does.

[rain pours]

Come on, it's wet.

Why were you so worried
about the lighting?

The glare off the surface.

Nothing glares on my gallery.

Certainly not if you stand here.

Everyone won't be
able to stand there,

not if you're standing there.

[exotic music]

Too much linen is
bad for the nerves.

We get more everyday,
presents from relatives.

They're so bland.

You need colours, you'll have
no room for your clothes.

I have too many clothes, Lili.

A nun only has three habits,
one to wear, one for the wash

and one for the wardrobe.

It is possible to look
very beautiful in a habit.

The habits are blessed when
she takes her final vow.

They have a robing ceremony.

-I know.
-I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm
telling you this.

Did you know Mother Joseph?

A long time ago when we
stayed with Marie-Claire.

Wasted lives, nuns.

I don't think so.

I should have liked
to be a nun except

they wouldn't have let me smoke.

You, fine nun you'd make.

I suppose.

Still, you never know.

It's tea, dog.

Look, now look what
you made me do.

[Syl whistles]

-Not in bed yet?
-No.

There's some cake in the pantry.

Oh, no, I've eaten.

Had a crumpet in the city.

-Who with?
-Just a bloke.

Well, actually a nice looking
blonde from the office.

Don't even say it, I'm
almost a married man,

it's time I settled down.

Well, right you are, Mom,
I'm going to, honestly.

[Syl hums]

You know dog, in other
cultures the ageing voluntarily

fling themselves off ice
flows when they think

they can be of no further use.

But there are no ice
flows in Croydon.

[TV character talks
in the background]

I'm off to the pub.

Why don't you pop in and
see Syl, it's on the way.

Oh, probably busy
studying his briefs

or whatever it is he does.

Oh, please go on, perhaps,

if you're nice he'll play
you a tune on his oboe.

Oh god.

[Lili chuckles]

-Oh, Lili.
-What?

I'm marrying a man nobody likes.

I thought it was just me.

Now listen, sometimes you
have things you have to do,

sometimes there aren't.

Sometimes other people can
make up your mind for you,

sometimes they can't.

Sometimes you have to grow up.

Even very old people
sometimes have to grow up.

-You think I'm stupid.
-No, I don't.

I think you've lost hope.

And the only thing
I can tell you

is that you have to hold
on until it comes back

and you mustn't do
anything until it does.

But I've got to go
through with it now.

Oh, well.

Tired now, bed.

Morning.

Hi, Syl, you look
so young today.

[dramatic music]

Why did you disappear like that?

I won't marry you.

Yes, you will, oh
you and your nerves.

A little white pony.

Let me go.

I don't love you Syl.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Did he bite your thumb?

No, I did.

You'll ruin your blouse.

What's going on?

Greek tragedy, keep your
thumb in your mouth.

Don't soak her,
she'll get pneumonia.

Nothing to cry about.

She's not crying.

It was cold in the garden,
it made her nose red.

You should see me crying,

then you'd know what
crying was about.

Oh, what have you
got to cry about?

All living beings have
something to cry about.

-Like what?
-Like what?

I'll tell you like what.

The winds of solitude roaring
at the edge of infinity,

all the wolves of evil bang
down the void, that's what.

All I did was bite my thumb.

For goodness sake, Lili, try
and say something cheerful.

I can't think of anything
cheerful, can you?

The wedding of course,
we're having canapes,

asparagus rolls and vol-au-vent.

Oh, yes, well, that's cheerful,
I feel much better now.

I saved the thumb.

It has it's uses.

And while we're on the subject
of bloodletting, young lady

you really must
go to confession.

[Margaret] I know.

I like to confession
straight after I've been

to the hairdresser, makes
me feel so complete,

body and soul.

Well, I don't think you've got
quite the right idea, Lili.

[engine revs]

[dramatic music]

[bells chime]

Bless me father,
for I have sinned.

How long is it since
your last confession?

Excuse me, this is
between me and God.

A touch Miss Havisham,
don't you think?

Nonsense, it's in
perfect condition,

it looked lovely on me.

-Mm-hmm.
-It did, Lili,

everyone said so.

Yes, it did.

And if it didn't, no
one would tell you,

not on your wedding day.

Brides are always
supposed to be beautiful,

they so seldom are.

All that ghastly
lace, all that white

and those veils don't help.

They make the poor
girl look as though

they haven't been
properly unpacked.

But she's got to wear
this dress, come what may.

I wore crimson at my wedding.

White silk, tucked that in,
this under, I was there.

People with red hair
should not wear crimson.

-I looked wonderful.
-Hmm-mm.

Huh, I should have
been marrying a prince,

I was raised to marry
a prince, you know

but princes went
out with the war,

damn Hitler.

I'd do with a whiskey.

I hope you're not
becoming an alcoholic.

She has some way to go.

There, I think it fits.

Don't forget you're having tea
with Syl's mother tomorrow.

Syl's mother, good god,

I haven't called on her
ghastly old drought,

I'll go with you.

Why aren't you
seeing Syl tonight?

He's gone out.

Don't you love him?

Of course, I do.

[pleasant instrumental music]

[Margaret knocks]

A bit more hot water then.

You should empty the teapot
over the old horror's head.

Shh.

[dramatic music]

[dog whimpers]

Bugger off.

He was making love to my foot.

-Who?
-The dog.

He's not capable of that.

Well, he was thinking about it.

You can read the
mind's of animals then?

Some of them, yes.

I've known horses I
could read like a book.

Camels aren't expected.

I don't think the
dog really likes me,

he's simply overcome by lust.

He's old, lust doesn't
enter into it anymore.

-Do you ever bore yourself?
-I just did.

You weren't boring.

Yes I was, I was doing a solo,

all that nonsense about the dog.

Sometimes I hear myself
and I think, no Lili,

you won't say that, but
it's irresistible, I do.

-I wish I were like you.
-You are a bit.

You're happy.

I have no choice.

Life is bloody awful enough
without being unhappy as well.

Can I tell you something?

What?

You can't tell anyone else.

Then don't.

If you have a secret,
you must never tell it,

except to an enemy.

If you tell your best friend,
inevitably the whole world

will find out.

The best thing to
do is tell a priest,

he won't talk unless of course,

you really want to be betrayed.

-How did it go?
-All right.

Perhaps, we should
ask him to dinner.

-Who?
-Robert's gallery owner.

-Oh, what a good idea.
-Not really.

That old gallery,
can't pull out now.

Just let him try.

The opening will be wonderful.

I shall sell a lot, I
shall spike the wine

and tell people how
beautiful they are.

How beautiful who are?

The people and the
painting, of course.

You've never seen the paintings.

I'm jealous.

They're the things you do
when you're not with me.

Indeed.

I'm going out.

Lovers are even more valuable

after they stop being lovers.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

[dog barks]

Stop barking dog.

I can't concentrate.

[dog barks]

What did I come in here for?

Dog, stop barking!

[doorbell rings]

Oh, the doorbell, well,
why didn't you say so?

I'm coming.

[dog growls]

-I talk too much.
-No, you don't.

I do to myself.

Endless chatter,
a lot of nonsense.

Ah, you should hear Monica,
she passes advice around

like cucumber sandwiches,
awful homespun advice.

I suppose stupid
people are too stupid

to know they're stupid.

-More?
-Of course.

Ah, ah, thank you.

I wonder if Margaret is anaemic.

My mother used to
give me iron tonic.

My father's sister
laughed at her.

Your mother was the English one.

It's funny you should
say, they called her that,

the English one.

-Half and half.
-What?

I've always been half and half.

It's too hot in Egypt
and it's freezing here.

I wonder if Margaret is anaemic.

I think she's a little
low key for anaemia.

[women laugh]

[dramatic music on TV]

I haven't heard
from Marie-Claire.

Is she really coming?

Well, I should hope so, she's
one of my oldest friends.

You stayed with her all that
time, she's almost an aunt.

Of course, she must come.

Grant you, Egypt's a bit
further than Reigate.

Still, she should
be here and her son.

[dramatic music]

-What's his name?
-Nour.

Nour.

[exotic music]

Margaret, don't fret.

If you go full into a coma
every time I mention a name,

we'll never get
through this list.

[exotic music]

[Syl knocks]

[people chatter]

I haven't drunk so much since.

Since?

Since Jack died.

Oh, yes, I always meant to
tell you how sorry I was.

-Sorry.
-That he died.

Ah, to tell you the
truth, I find it quite

pleasant being widowed.

I look forward to it myself.

I never fancied
motherhood though.

Having children makes you
inevitably one of the herd.

Did Robert want children?

Mm, when he realised I
was too old to have any.

-He was.
-Reproachful.

A bit.

-He's terribly boring.
-Poor Robert.

What?

Was I a cow to
carve for my master

and a box to keep
his trinkets in?

Certainly not.

-I am mine.
-Undoubtedly.

Ah.

Besides having
children is painful.

Absolutely.

* Be it never so humble
there's no place like home *

* A charm from *

[Lili laughs]

-Why are you laughing?
-I don't know, I don't know.

It's years since I've
been able to say things

as they came into my head,
to a non-canine that is.

Uh-huh.

And knowing I would
be understood.

Oh, poor you, woof, woof, woof!

[women laugh]

I know that one.

Syl.

Where have you been?

Boozing, but what
you call an eezer.

[Lili laughs]

Yes, Syl.

[Lili laughs]

Well, it does look
strange at your age.

* Fi fi fo fum *

[women laugh]

[women collapse]

-Where are you?
-Can I have a drink?

[Lili laughs]

Margaret, bring
some gin as well.

Remember that night at the
yacht club, that party?

The king was there, I
had danced with him.

I was wearing lime green.

He told me he mended the clock,

the Hotel de Ville
with his own hands.

It's true.

He was a nice king.

My father loved him.

He didn't stay long, he
was a very busy king.

Do you remember, we walked
home along the Carniche

I didn't, I rode home
in the embassy car.

We walked, we went by a house

where there'd been a
wedding the night before.

We walked behind the dorm and
there hanging from the window

was the bride's nightdress
all blood-stained.

The groom had killed her.

Of course, he hadn't killer her.

He would have killed her if
there hadn't been any blood.

They would have all killed
her, her own family first,

stoned her, put her in a pit
and covered her up with earth,

before she was dead.

Why on earth?

Oh, don't drink
too much of that.

You used to drag me
to those native cafes.

You never ate the salad.

Dear, that was just
before I met Derek.

Oh, let's have another
drink, [indistinct].

[dramatic music]

[Margaret gasps]

I list the absence of God.

I list the absence of God.

I list the absence of God.

We drank too much gin,
Monica and I last night.

After Margaret went to bed.

Winter's getting me down.

I'm desperate for
spring and God.

Ah, there's an absence
of God in Croydon.

But this corruption, oh yes,

Egypt's virginal by comparison.

We were reminiscing
about Egypt Monica and I.

Our youth, when before
Monica met Derek.

We got smashed and then
Monica told me a secret,

I hate secrets.

They have gold and
devil's eyes goats,

they look intelligence,

they probably are not.

Before Monica met Derek,
dull, grey pedestrian Derek.

What a hell of a world.

I thought I was the
sophisticated one.

Poor, silly Monica
married to that lump

and lucky me flying
all around the world

having affairs with
men in positions Monica

have never even heard about.

And all the time, I
liked goats underground,

actually not interests,

not in tropic positions.

When Monica told me,
I'm sworn to secrecy,

well, it's the sort of
thing you don't want shouted

from rooftops, it's
one of those things

you'd rather not know.

Boringly Derek, Monica
found in boring little Derek

in Margaret's bedroom
one night ages ago

in the state of her.

What?

Some disarray.

Does Margaret remember?

Monica says not,
she was only four.

-Four.
-Men.

I have known selfish,
boring, distracted women

but there seem to be
as much as an exception

as kindly, sensitive men.

Men, huh, not especially clever.

Jack, for instance, I was
also inclined into view

Jack's misdemeanours as on
the par with those of a dog.

Woof.

[indistinct]

Indeed, woof.

You're not well?

Having a lie down.

That Lili's been here.

Been and gone.

Richard wanted to
know who that tart was

staying up at the Oaks.

Oh, she's a tart.

I like her too.

Everyone else up
the road's punchy,

you'd think there'd never
been a wedding before.

I wouldn't care if there
never was another one.

You worry too much.

I know.

Everything will be
all right at the end.

Of course.

Hurry!

Margaret!

Doesn't Mom look nice?

Yes.

I think I'm looking
forward to this.

Hello.

All right, Mom.

All right.

Hi.

So many people.

You fancy a drink, Mom?

What is there?

Oh a bit of wine, red, white.

-The white.
-White, okay.

[people chattering]

[exotic music]

[speaks in foreign language]

I found the wine.

No, there might be
crocodiles in it.

[exotic music]

[speaks in foreign language]

-Which girl is bad?
-The gypsy,

she was here yesterday.

I saw her, very pretty.

Ooh-la-la.

You like it?

Here's some wine.

It's Marie-Claire's gate.

-You think so?
-Yes.

And Marie-Claire's terrace
and Marie-Claire's bedroom,

it's all Marie-Claire.

I don't think so.

It's just a gate.

[exotic music]

My child, confusion is a
natural state as is longing.

Neither is a religious.

Yes, if you wish, by
all means, you may apply

to the Mother Ison and
perhaps they will accept

you as a postulant.

Perhaps.

But, I caution
you about despair.

As indeed I caution
you about happiness.

Each of these by nature
are overdramatic,

filled with unreliable visions.

Everyday someone
sees God on the river

or Satan in an olive tree.

I dispute these
solitary sightings.

I prefer to think as God and
Satan as an old married couple.

They go everywhere together.

Thinking of becoming
a nun, then aye?

[Syl laughs]

Oh, Syl.

Actually some of
them are very good,

quite useful but it's
a selfish existence.

No.

Like that one do you?

Are you all right, Margaret?

It's called the crocodile
pool, it's near the house,

Marie-Claire's house.

None of the villagers
wanted to go near it,

they said it was
full of crocodile.

That was nonsense, it's haunted

by some awful phantom
or devil or something.

Robert had a terrible
time painting it.

How do you know,
you weren't there.

Well, I needn't
be there to know.

Anyway you told me.

You said they were yelling
warnings from the fields.

They kept finding bodies in it.

[dramatic music]

It's not a good idea.

Egypt is not a good idea.

What?

It's been unusually hot,
unsuitable for an undone person.

I heard rumours of cholera and
all manner of nasty things.

Poor Marie-Claire, I do
worry about her and germs.

Bournemouth is better.

I don't understand.

Your honeymoon, Egypt is no
place for your honeymoon.

Oh.

We'll go to the seaside instead.

Oh, yes, good.

No, cholera in Bournemouth yet.

And the blasted thing is I
already paid for the tickets.

I hope I didn't
spoil last night.

-Oh, no.
-Not you.

But I'm darn sure I
can have a refund.

Was the exhibition a success?

Oh, yes.

How do you know, when
you left so early?

It was a conspicuous
success, very heartening.

It did exhaust me, however.

I felt like the little
one here, I'm sure.

So, I came home.

We couldn't think
where you were,

we were looking for you.

Oh sorry, I was in bed.

Perhaps, I'll return
after purchase price.

[Nour whispers]

Liar.

[dramatic music]

Liar.

[speaks in foreign language]

Now, try and be nice and
do try and concentrate.

I realise there are things we
haven't discussed, men things

but I do know this, if a
man looks into your eyes,

he'll prefer it if
they weren't closed.

And this above all, please,
please try not to faint.

Poor Syl will put his back out

if he must keep continually
picking you up off the floor.

Plenty of time to drift
off after you're married.

[engine revs]

[Syl whistles]

-No.
-No!

What?

I'm so sorry.

[pleasant music]

It's nice here in the autumn.

I came here with your father.

Oh for god sake, Syl use a
spoon, you're not three anymore.

Sorry, Mommy.

[babies crying]

-No.
-Yes.

[Syl laughs]

What do you think of her,
aye, Mom, talking to herself.

Shall we risk the trifle?

You look awful.

I've been to lunch.

I long for an
absence of feeling.

Right.

Now you're gonna
have a lie down.

This bloody wedding,
you've been overdoing it,

gallivanting all over the place.

You're no spring
chicken, you know.

It's daft for you, this wedding.

Mrs. Raffald, this
wedding is ridiculous.

I know, I know but don't you
worry your head about it.

It'll be all right, you'll see.

The optimism of others
is always irritating.

It's what my own
mother did it as well.

Now she's in a jar.

Perhaps, she should
go away for awhile.

-Who?
-Margaret.

Well, she's been away,
she come back more limp

than when she went.

And you can take
your hat, I know.

Have I got it on?

How was lunch?

I'm frightened of growing old.

Wow, it's that or god.

You actually don't have
to go along with it.

You must wear false
eyelashes and never, never

sit on the park bench with
someone of your own age.

And you must try
not to grow worse.

Morality lapses as you grow old.

I always wanted to die
young but now it's too late.

How about a martini, Margaret.

Yes, please.

You shouldn't need
this, not at your age.

I know.

How was lunch?

Did you hear from Marie-Claire?

Yes, I'm afraid she
can't go to the wedding.

I don't want to marry Syl.

-Oh, don't be silly.
-I don't.

-Look here-
-I want to be a nun.

Every girl wants to be a nun
shortly before she's married,

it's perfectly natural.

You certainly can't change
your mind at this point

and you certainly wanna
be left on the shelf.

A girl doesn't get many chances.

Suppose we all get very drunk.

No, there's no need for that,
Margaret's merely suffering

from pre-wedding nerves.

Let's go and have
dinner in Soho,

it'll make a nice change.

What about the food?

It keeps.

But Margaret's already
been out to lunch.

Oh, a girl can go out twice.

What about Robert?

Robert, Robert, Robert is fine.

Robert is painting,
Robert's at the pub.

I don't know where Robert is.

Robert will be all right.

Let's go someplace,
rather fouche,

someplace we won't
see anyone we know.

Now, perhaps it'll cheer you up.

All together now,
one, two, three.

* Keep your mind
on your driving *

* Keep your hands on the wheel *

* And keep your stupid
eyes on the road ahead *

* We're having fun
sitting the backseat *

* Kissing and
hugging with Fred *

Lili.

Oh, Monica, [indistinct].

[Lili hums]

[cheerful music]

Don't tell me tea.

Perhaps, we should have
brought Mrs. Raffald to dust.

Actually, it comes
highly recommended.

Supposedly they do
delicious meuniere.

It has a certain
character, you must admit.

Places with character
usually have cockroaches.

Wasn't that, did you see?

Who?

I could have sworn that was Syl.

Where?

Standing in the
doorway with a parcel.

He looked straight at me and
then went straight out again.

Well, I think he works
somewhere around here.

Perhaps, it was him.

Well, why would he go like that?

Why are you laughing?

Perhaps, he had a
secret designation.

Oh, don't be daft.

I must have been mistaken.

The light's not
too good in here.

I hope they don't have mice.

Margaret is too young for Syl.

She's not at all mature.

She isn't ready to be married.

And she doesn't love him,
Lili, quite the contrary.

What's to be done about it?

Speak to Monica.

You can't speak to Monica,
she doesn't listen.

Besides, the whole
thing was her idea.

Speak to Syl.

That won't help.

He told me he thinks
Margaret is backed of fires.

Oh, Lili.

-It would be a disaster.
-A disaster.

Most marriages are but this
would be an absolute disaster.

I don't know why I
didn't tell you before.

I tell most people most things
without a moment's hesitation

and I didn't tell you this.

What?

Margaret wants to be a nun.

A nun, I see.

So, Margaret really
isn't in a position

to marry anyone without
incurring the wrath of God.

And you know what he's like.

When I went to visit
Marie-Claire just
before we came away,

I went to the convent
to see Mother Joseph,

I've known her for years.

And she said she'd been very
sorry to see Margaret go

but she'd either wimple
if she didn't come back.

That means some trouble,
Margaret wanted to get away.

But she wouldn't
tell me what it was,

neither would Marie-Claire.

But of course,
Marie-Claire wasn't about

to tell me anything, she
thought I didn't know

she'd been having an
affair with Robert.

With Robert.

Oh, good heavens.

Silly cow, as if I
couldn't have stopped it

if I'd wanted to.

She wrote to Monica, she
can't come to the wedding

because she's too busy.

What she means is that she
doesn't want to face me.

And it's just as well if there

isn't going to be a wedding.

There better not be.

And this is my
present to the bride.

Oh, Syl, what is it?

Well, open it, Margaret.

Oh, well, I will then.

Oh, very lovely.

I know this one
was your favourite.

We can hang it in the
bedroom where you can see it

when you wake up.

[dog barks]

You weren't long?

Margaret was tired.

Oh, didn't she like the picture?

Yes, I think so.

-Don't sound very sure.
-I'm sure she liked it.

[dramatic music]

[climactic music]

[woman screams]

[speaks in foreign language]

English, speak English.

You must help me.

I don't understand.

The jackal will come tonight
and lick up the blood.

You must help me.

[water splashes]

You do not want to know.

You learn this lesson,
this lesson of murder,

do not ever want to know.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[engine revs]

Well, here we all are.

Good, nice to see you.

-And you must be Caroline.
-Cynthia.

Hm, I'm sure you're right.

Oh, I was hoping someone
would bring a beach ball.

And these are little
Cain and Abel.

-Christopher and Jennifer.
-That well may be.

Derek, Cynthia.

Well, how's my little girl?

I've put you in the blue room.

Thank you.

My broken Tarzan might
bring back memories.

Derek, bring Christopher's
you know what.

Won't do jobbies without it.

Oh, god, what a
revolting thing to say.

She must be unbalanced.

[Lili laughs]

Oh, you are wicked.

I adore having you here, Lili.

And those dreadful children.

I'm sorry they're making
such a mess, Mrs. Raffald.

She has no luggage, you know.

Ported everything in paper bags.

So, alluring.

By the way, how's
your cactus doing?

-My cactus?
-Mm,

in the summer house,
is it about to bloom?

Not at this time of year.

It may for the wedding.

Oh, don't be foolish.

There is an old saying,
primroses, I believe,

that there can be no
more suspicious portent

on their wedding day than
the blossoming of the cactus.

Where did you hear that?

In Egypt.

We thrive on primroses gossip.

I'm quite serious, mark my word.

Don't let your father
see you drinking so much.

Come on, I've been a good girl.

I've came with my homework.

I stole these from
Derek's children.

Sit down.

What?

Or you could help me.

Well, what do I do?

-Twist.
-What?

-What?
-Not, not so much.

What are we making?

It's a surprise decoration,
flowers for the wedding.

The wedding.

[Mrs. Monro cries]

Oh Lili.

As much as I don't wanna see
my son married to a woman

who dislikes him, it's
Margaret I'm worried about.

But there won't be a wedding,
there won't be a wedding.

But it's so late,
we've left it so late,

what can we do?

Some things happen only
at the last minute.

Things don't happen before
they happen, don't they?

Really that makes no sense.

-But I almost believe you.
-Twist.

* Sugar in the morning
sugar in the evening *

* Sugar at suppertime *

* I get my little sugar and
you love me all the time *

-Give me that.
-Oh, thank you.

* Hugging in the morning *

Well, tomorrow's
the day old girl.

Can I have a drink,
please, Lili?

-Absolutely.
-And you, Corinda?

-Cynthia.
-Of course.

-Syl.
-Hmm?

[indistinct]

Go on, you can stroke him.

They don't like thing-ma-jigs.

Oh, I could have
sworn it was a dog.

He's too old to bite.

I've been stuffing back all day.

Oh.

I was just flown.

Well, tomorrow's
the day old man.

Oh, jolly good thing
too, too much preamble.

Better have an early
night tonight, hey?

[indistinct] [Derek laughs]

Of course. [Syl laughs]

Actually it's far less
tedious than stuffing turkey.

-Pardon?
-Smaller breasts.

-What?
-Ducks, smaller breasts.

Another drink, please Lili.

-Oh.
-How about a bottle?

I'll get you one.

Please, go back inside.

I'd rather stick
needles in my eyes.

Robert behave.

I'm not ever again, Lili behave.

Not ever again.

Well, how's the mother of
the groom? [man laughs]

Tomorrow's the
day, good old Syl.

Keeps in the family, doesn't it.

-Oh, oh.
-Oh, dear,

Whoops, I'm so sorry.

A touch of the palsy.

I'm not behaving well.

I'm bordering on hysteria.

I can't bear to look at
Derek, he's evil incarnate.

His wife's a goose, Monica's
a fool, poor Margaret's drunk.

And the old are
powerless, powerless.

Monica might as
well be stuffing me.

I've given you my word,
it will not happen.

[dramatic music]

[people chatter]

You missed a lovely service.

Say hello to Father Flint.

-Morning, Father.
-Hello, there.

It's the big day, old girl.

-Tea?
-Whiskey.

She'll have coffee.

-It's out.
-What's out?

The cactus, darling.

-It can't be.
-It's out.

It showed no sign yesterday.

But it's out today.

I must go and see.

No, finish your breakfast
and then you must all

come to the summer
house and see.

It's something to savour.

You can toast it with champagne.

What?

My winter flowering cactus,

it's a sign of
great good fortune

if it flowers on
the wedding day.

Bring the children.

And you must come as well.

It is after all for you.

Put on your dress.

Come.

Oh.

I'm very excited.

[All] Awe.

Isn't she beautiful?

[All] Awe.

[guests clap]

Now is everyone ready?

Where's Lili.

Oh, of course she left
for the summer house.

Left for the summer
house ages ago.

Isn't she beautiful?

The cactus, oh
everyone, please come.

Mrs. Raffald, come
and see the cactus.

It is after all winter
and that makes this a bit

of a miracle.

-I like a good miracle.
-I must say I do too.

[indistinct]

[cheerful instrumental music]

[chair squeaks]

Lili!

[woman hollers]

[Margaret chuckles]

[exotic music]

[Margaret] It took many
years for me to realise

I was forgiven.

Sometimes now when I
listen to the convent bells

ringing with the
cry from the minaret

and I look at their lilies
in the convent wall,

I feel a sense of gratitude.

For surely to make a great fool
and spectacle of one's self

for the sake of another
is a form of martyrdom.

I've long since
ceased attempting to
follow the processes

by which God works
out his purpose.

But I know he sent me Lili,

for who but he or she could
have conceived a wedding present

so original as the scene
in the summer house?

The fact that she enjoyed
it seems immaterial.

[exotic music]