Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Rebound - full transcript

(Ckets chirp)

Okay, I'm just saying,
she broke up with Ted

less than a week ago,
and I am finding

this whole rebound thing
to be alarmingly manic,

and regressive.

Well, it does sound
a little quick.

I mean, has anybody
even met this guy?

David, when did you become
the Grim Reaper of romance?

- (Door opens)
- Oh.

(Gasps)
Alexis!

We were just having
the most stimulating



- conversation about you...
- ...ganda!

Ugandan... politics.

Were you guys waiting up
for me?

- Ah!
- N-no! - No,

I actually didn't
know that you had left.

I was on a date.

Artie took me to the new
steakhouse in Elmdale,

and it was like,
way too expensive,

but hey,
I'm not the one paying.

(Scoffs) "Artie?"

Yeah, I just thought
after like,

the whole Ted thing,
it was healthier

for me to just put myself
out there.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get ready for bed.



I say, bravo, Alexis.

Fling forward!

(Knock on door)

Ugh!

(Crickets chirp)

Hi.

Sorry, wrong room.

Uh, I'm-I'm lookin' for Lexi.

Hmm? Lexi?

Uh, Alexis. (Chuckles)
I call her Lexi.

Well, this is where
Lexi lives.

Um, I'm her brother, David,

- but you can call me Davey.
- Hey, how you doin', Davey?

Uh, Lexi left her purse
in my car.

Oh! You're a godsend.

I'll make sure Lexi gets it.

I'm Johnny Rose,
I'm Alexis' father.

Arthur Camden, but uh,

- you can call me Artie.
- Uhhuh.

Hello, Artie.
Moira Rose.

Lexi's mum.

Very cool.
Uh... anyway,

I'm gonna shoot Lexi a text.

Yeah, okay.

- Take care.
- You betcha.

(Door slams)

Our Lexi is making
some wonderful choices.

[♪♪♪] *SCHITT'S CREEK*
Season 06 Episode 09

Episode Title: "Rebound"
Aired on: March 03, 2020

(Car starts, birds chirp)

(Music plays softly)

Okay, so what's the total
for the floral arrangement?

Um, I mean, it's hard
to get an exact total

at the moment, because there
are so many variables

still in play.

Like you calling the florist,
and getting a quote?

- That might be one of them.
- Okay.

Um, Jocelyn has been smiling
and waving at me

from across the room
in a very disturbing way.

I meant to tell you
she approached me about uh,

working at the Apothecary.

- Hmm.
- (Laughs)

You did tell her "no?"

That it probably wasn't
the best fit

for our brand identity?

Uh, I told her that I had
to talk to you about it.

Look, she's coming over.

Here she is.

Hi, boys.

It looked like you were
calling me over.

(Laughs) Did it?

Anywho, um... I don't know
if Patrick mentioned

that we had talked earlier,

and he had said that there
might be a use

for an extra set of hands
at the store.

Huh!

Well, I think we're still
assessing that at this point.

Well, you let me know when
you're done assessing.

I'll be the mother
with the baby at home

looking for some extra cash,

after I invested
in your father's business.

I'll be over here.

Okay, that's a lot
to unload over brunch.

Yes!

I spent my brunch looking
at the classifieds.

There is an opening
for a waitress

at Bazongas Gentlemen's Club.

I guess I could try that.

I'm sure we can figure
something out, Jocelyn.

Right, David?!

I don't know what's wrong
with Bazongas.

But I guess a trial run
wouldn't hurt anybody.

(Laughs) There ya go!

Thanks, you guys, oh!
I'll meet you at the store.

I'm just gonna go home
and change into something

a little more casual.

"More casual?"

Well, look at it this way,
David.

Maybe having Jocelyn on staff
will give a little extra time

to call the florist.

(Sighs)

Alexis: (Giggles)

Ohh!

Boy, young people
and their phones.

Mm.

Would that be David you're
having an online laugh with?

No, it's Arthur.

He's so funny, and he has
so many good stories.

Well, I'm sure he does.

When you have that many years
under your belt,

you're bound to have collected
a good story or two.

Yeah.

We're going to the Elm Lake
Jazz Festival this afternoon.

Artie loves to scat along
with the songs.

- Ah.
- Do you know what scatting is?

I do, not a huge fan.

(Laughs)

But uh, since you...

brought up Arthur,

Um, you know,
I-I was just thinking of...

how some people say
you shouldn't rush

into a new relationship,

right after a breakup.

Okay, trust me, it's just
totally fun and casual.

Okay, well, casual.

Casual is good.
Casual is uh...

- exceptionally good.
- Yeah.

Artie's an old soul,

and you know how
I'm an old soul,

so we're just like, two old
souls having fun together.

Well, he is an old soul.
I'll give you that.

Uh, if you were guessing,
Alexis, uh...

how old a soul would you say
Arthur is?

Artie doesn't care
about things like age.

Oh.

Although it is his birthday
next weekend,

and we were planning a weekend
trip to wine country.

A weekend in wine country?

Yeah, his ex-wife owns
a vineyard,

and his kids and grandkids
are gonna be there.

(Coughs)

Well, it's sounding uh,

less and less casual
by the minute.

Okay, chill, Dad!

(Phone buzzes) Hmm!

Oh my God, is he calling me
right now?!

That is so 2001.

Hey, babe.

Yep, you just double-tap
on photo with your finger.

Okay.

Oh! This is so exciting!

(Laughs)

(Bell on door jingles)

- Alright.
- Okay!

Now, I like to approach
the customer

as if we don't need
their business.

Okay, let them wander
the store,

experience the products.

We're here to help
if they have a question.

- Okay.
- Excuse me?

Do you have this
in a smaller size?

- We don't, unfortunately.
- Oh.

Although, speaking as someone
who uses the body milk

on the regs,
just had a baby,

- don't wanna get stretch marks.
- (All chuckle)

Trust me when I say
you're gonna wanna go

with the larger size,

'cause you'll go through it
faster than you think.

Oh, actually, I'm shopping
for my daughter.

She just had a baby as well.

Hm, well, take a look around,

and let us know
if you have any questions.

I say look no further,
go with the body milk.

She'll love it, plus it's great
for diaper rash.

Okay! Sold.

Thank you for your help.

I can check you out
over here.

Wow, my first sale!

You guys make it look
so much harder.

Have a "Rose-y" day!

(Laughs)

We won't be doing
"Rose-y day."

- No?
- No.

- No?
- No.

(Cart rattles)

(Door slams)

- Ohhhhhh!
- Aaah!

Stevie! Either a flock
of poultry has delivered

its ova mid-flight
upon our car,

or I've become the victim
of a vandalization!

Oh wow.

Um... you sure it's for you,
Mrs. Rose?

Because that's a family car,

and I can think of a handful of
people who'd wanna egg David.

You're sweet, dear,
but I know of what I speak.

Stevie, you are blessed
with anonymity,

and thus will never have
to know the crippling fear

that accompanies global repute.

Yeah, I can't imagine.

After my first centerfold
with Soap Opera Digest,

a deranged fan deposited
locks of hair

into my glove compartment.

And now my return to prominence

has painted another
giant bullseye

on my thorax!

Um, I could give you
this bucket of soap.

No! You never tamper
with a crime scene.

I'll have to go to council.
(Groans)

Get in please, Stevie.

As of now,
you are my star witness.

And sit low, no point
endangering both our lives.

Fine.

Arthur: We're here for brunch,
right,

and she looks at me and says,
you mean, lunner?

(Alexis laughs uproariously)

I asked her for a bunch menu,

and she puts thing,
says it's a lunner menu.

- No!
- Lunner!

Alexis, Arthur.

I thought you two were going
to a jazz festival?

Oh we were, we just like,
popped in for a bite to eat,

because Artie's blood sugar
is low.

Well, I guess there's enough
sugar in mimosas, huh?

Oh, don't worry,
I'm over 21, Dad.

Oh my God, I'm laughing
my head off.

Well, I'm just gonna grab
some lunch.

Um, nice running into you
again, Arthur.

Please, Dad,
just call me Artie.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Well, please don't call me
"Dad."

(All chuckle)

(Sighs)

Could I get a coffee,
Twyla, please?

(Artie and Alexis chatter
and giggle)

So I see Alexis is getting
back out there.

Has she told you anything
about this guy?

No, but I think he dated
my aunt.

I don't know,
I was a baby at the time,

but there's a photo of him
holding me at Christmas.

And I remember that,

because that was the year
Santa brought me a lighter.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Stay right there.

Excuse me, Twyla.

Arthur, hi,

do you mind if I uh,
join you for a minute?

No, of course.

Always room at the table
for Lexi's... old man.

That's a smidge worse
than "Dad."

(Both laugh)

Uh, what do you do
for a living?

Well, actually,

I am retired.

Yeah, but I used to own um,

a chain of trailer parks.

But don't-don't worry, I don't
you know, live in a trailer.

I own a beautiful
three-bedroom home

with an above ground pool,

if that's what
you're worried about.

No, that wasn't my primary
concern, Arthur.

Oh.

No, the thing is,
as a parent,

I can't help but notice there's
a bit of an age discrepancy.

Oh! No, no, we're totally
chill with that.

I mean, Lexi's a great girl.

Yes, she is.

Yes, she is.

But um, Arthur,

my daughter is in a bit of a...

vulnerable space right now.

She just got out of a rather
serious relationship,

a week ago,

and she was engaged
to him twice.

I'm not entirely sure
what she's doing,

but uh, you might wanna...

tread lightly.

Oh... understood.

Yeah. Thanks for the heads up.

Okay.

Uh, Johnny, I...

I know it isn't always easy
being a dad.

And being a grandad's
even harder.

Oh, well, maybe you might
wanna give me some tips

when I eventually get there.

(Both chuckle)

Roland: Alright, now you tell
me how we're gonna fix this.

Hello, council people!

Why, you ask, are we here,

trembling before you?

Well, I'll answer
your question.

I was assailed this morning.

- Is that a fact?
- Stone cold.

Stevie was there. Stevie,
describe the carnage.

Um, well, there were a couple
of broken eggs

on Mrs. Rose's car,

and one on the back windshield.

- It was shattered!
- The windshield?

The egg! That's the bestial
level of attack

with which we are dealing.

Right, Stevie?

I don't know, you tell me.

Well, you know, after
this little interview

in People Magazine,

I'm surprised those eggs
weren't actually thrown at you.

Has it hit the stands?
My publicist is off today.

It sure has.

You describe the town as,
and I quote,

"the last place you'd ever
wanna end up."

Oh no, I described the town
as the last place

I'd ever want to end up.

Um, since I'm no longer
the star witness

in this criminal case,
can I get back to work?

No, you see here,
I'm exaggerating for effect.

And I made sure to never
mention the name

of your precious borough.

I'm gonna take that
as a "yes."

Roland: It wasn't hard
to figure out, Moira,

somebody posted it
on the town message board,

and now tempers
are running hot.

Yeah, Bob was so upset
he had to go home.

You know, Moira,
this bad press

could not have come
at a worse time.

We were just about to launch
a huge tourism campaign,

and now thanks to you,

this could be the biggest
scandal since we installed

the church wheelchair ramp
backwards.

Roland, something
has to be done!

It's a simple miscommunication.

Do you want Stevie
to be cleaning eggs off my car

every morning?!

Moira, you're gonna have
to clean up this mess yourself,

Okay? We're spending a lot
of money on this campaign,

and we can't afford
another "ramp-gate."

(Sucks her teeth)

(Protestors mutter angrily)

(Booing, hollering)

Woman: Why'd you do it?!

- Why'd you do it?!
- Ooh,

I think they're here
for you, Moira!

Hey uh, folks, I can't quite
read those signs,

do you mind holding them up
a little higher for me, there?

Oh yeah, thanks.

You know what's often more
potent than an apology,

is an explanation.

You know, I may have said
this town is the last place

I wish to find myself,

but the magazine neglected
to include my entire quote.

I specifically commended
your ever-beating heart,

and your elephantine
generosity.

"A slice of heaven," is what
I recall myself saying!

Please know that I believe,
deep down,

there are
worse places to be.

Like in your shoes right now.

Would a quick meet and greet
help?

I do have a few headshots
in the boot of my car.

No, I don't think you need
more people knowing

which car is yours, Moira,
but I do have an idea

that I think will solve
all our problems.

Okay, but can we discuss it
over lunch?

I pre-ordered a tuna sandwich,

and those things can turn
on a dime.

Oh, allow me to leave you
with this.

I solemnly vow to make right
by all of you.

As soon as one of you details
my car.

(Protesters exclaim angrily)

Receipt in the bag?

There you go, bye.

I don't wanna rub salt
in the wound here, David,

but Jocelyn is kinda
crushing it.

Okay, I have also had a very
active day on the sales floor.

David, she has sold
more in one day

than we have all week.

And you've spent the better
part of the afternoon

standing in the corner
giving her cut-eye.

I'm mentoring her,
and monitoring her progress.

And frankly, it's not moving
as fast as I'd like.

Why can't you just admit
that she is an asset?

It's probably beginner's
luck,

like when you walk into
a casino and win big

on your first pull of the
"Basic Instinct" slot machine.

Okay, I'm beginning to think
that that is the high point

- of your entire life.
- All I'm saying is,

I don't necessarily trust
the numbers.

Oh.

I had an ex in San Francisco
who was a real estate agent,

and basically made all
of our friends buy penthouses

just to make it look like
he was doing well.

For all we know, these could
just be Jocelyn's friends.

Well, friends or not,
that's still a sale.

Yeah, but is that what
we're really about?

Like, just selling products?

Yep, that is literally
the purpose of our store.

Look, I didn't expect this
from Jocelyn either,

but clearly, she has
a connection to the people

of this community,
and I say we make the most of it.

Okay, so what,
you want to offer her a job?

Well, I think the offer would
mean more coming from you.

Another sale, boys!
(Bell jingles)

Where'd she get that bell?

She brought it from home.

(Door shuts)

(Alexis groans)

(Door opens and slams shut)

(Purse thuds, keys jingle)

(Sighs)

Ugh!

(Knock on door, door opens)

Hi honey, everything okay?

Yeah, everything is great.

My life is going like, really,
really great right now!

Oh, well, that's uh,
that's good.

Here's a fun thing,
I just got dumped

by a man who wears three
medic-alert bracelets.

Really?

He just said out of nowhere
that he needs to end things.

Oh, well, that
that does seem abrupt.

Wow, well...

maybe-maybe that's just further
confirmation

that you know, he...

he wasn't... he wasn't
the right person for you?

I know he's not the right
person for me.

His taste in makeout music,
for example,

like, so weird.

Like, who even is Cat Stevens?!

Well, Cat wrote some
wonderful songs, honey.

I'm just looking for like,
any distraction

from the fact that my heart's
shattered

into a million pieces.

Like, I don't even know
what I'm doing anymore.

I'm getting broken up
with by gross old men!

Oh, honey, no,

he-he-he wasn't that gross.

No, I mean, he-he seemed...
nice.

He was responsible.

He did run a successful
mobile-home business.

How did you know about that?

- What?
- How did you know that?

I-uh, where did I hear that?

You talked to him!

Well, I-I just for...
I did talk to him.

Brief conversation,
but just in passing.

Why would you do that?

I told you that I was
in control of the situation.

Well, honey, I don't know
whether you were.

I was just trying to... help.

Alexis, in the past, I...

I couldn't always be there
for you when you were...

when you were dealing with...

heartbreak.

I wasn't there to protect you.

And I guess I was just being...

a bit overzealous, and...

trying to make up
for lost time.

Well, if you really
wanna know,

I dated guys like, a whole
lot worse than Artie.

Where were you when I was
dating half the cast

of "White Squall?"

Well, I don't really want
to know.

What am I gonna do now?

(Sobs)

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, cry for a bit.

(Sobs loudly)

I wonder when David'll be
home.

(Bell on door jingles)

(Bell jingles)
And, we're closed!

Oh! It's not the stock
market, Jocelyn,

but yes, the day is done.

Is it always this busy?

I mean, I feel like when
I've been here before,

- it's just been me.
- Hmm!

Well, today was a great day
for us.

And with that in mind, um...

David has something that
he would like to say.

Two things, actually.

Um, first thing,

thought we discussed shelving
"have a Rose-y day."

- Ah, people seem to enjoy it.
- Yeah.

And two...

Patrick and I would like
to officially welcome you

to the sales staff

here at Rose Apothecary.

Oh my gosh!
That is so sweet!

- (Laughs)
- You're welcome.

But I just don't think
it's for me.

- Mmm!
- It's not for you?

Yeah, I mean,
as David would say,

I just don't think
it's in my brand.

(Laughs) I don't think
I've ever said that.

It's just not for me.

Huh.

So this store is just
not for you.

Yeah. I'd rather take
my chances, you know,

see if some tutoring gigs
come up.

- Tutoring?
- Because that's a...

a better job than
working here?

Well, I find teaching
students very fulfilling.

You know, not what you two do
here isn't fulfilling,

you know, for you, but
it's just not fulfilling...

- For you. Got it.
- For her.

Yeah, well hey, what...
whatever you wanna do.

Thank you for the opportunity.

And you guys can keep the bell.

Oh! The bell!

'Cause you might need it
a little more than me.

(All chuckle)

I'll come by tomorrow
to pick up my paycheque.

Okay! Yeah...

she does know this
is a training session, right?

What does that even mean,
"not for her?"

Well, um...

I think it means our store...

- It's just not for her?
- It's just not for her.

- I got it. Thank you.
- I think that's what it means.

(Beep)

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hello, you.

I'm film and television's
Moira Rose.

Won't you join me
for a little stroll

through the slice of paradise

I like to call...

the town where I currently am.

(Chimes jingle)

Did someone say fine dining?

The Café Tropical has certainly
been described

as "fine."

Oh, hello, Twyla.

I'll have the Miso Black Cod,
please.

We don't have that.

You mean, you're sold out,
is more like it!

And when it's time to escape

the hustle and bustle
of the downtown core,

you'll find all the peace
and solitude your body craves

here at our local apothecary.

No noisy customers or busy
cash registers here,

to intrude upon your inner
cogitations.

It's-it's not usually
this quiet.

Oh, it's always nice
and quiet here.

Can you stop saying that?

And finally, when it's time
to lay down your weary head,

you'll find comfort and safety

at the partially renovated
Rosebud Motel.

And don't forget to say hello

to your handsome proprietor,

Mr. Johnathon Rose.

- Thank you for having us.
- John, no.

So why wait?

Book your vacation now
to this humble little oasis.

If heaven had a creek,

it would be this one.

[♪♪♪]
Sync corrections by srjanapala