Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - The Presidential Suite - full transcript

Well, this is a big moment

in the expansion
of Rosebud Motel Group.

Today we cut the ribbon
on a new Rosebud Motel.

Can I take my blindfold off
now?

Oh, not yet, honey, we gotta
wait for Johnny's big reveal.

- Okay.
- Let's get to it,

let's cut the ribbon.

- Roland.
- Okay.

- Wanna hold that? Stevie,
- Yeah.

- you wanna hold this, hold it up?
- Mr. Rose, do we really need

- to do this.
- Yeah, yes, yes we do.



Moira, scissors.

Hey, how about a drum roll,
Stevie?

- I'd rather not.
- Yeah, you know what,

I'm just gonna take off
the blindfold.

Okay. Moira, scissors please.

Okay, what are these?
These won't cut a ribbon.

They're cuticle shears, John.

Do you expect hedge clippers
to be drawn from my purse?

Okay, alright,

hold it up and hold it taut
please.

I'm sorry, taut?

What is that, old English?

How bout I hold it tight?

Mr. Rose, just cut the ribbon.



- Pull it, pull it.
- Okay.

- Here we go. Okay.
- Cut it.

How long is this gonna take,
Johnny,

should I cancel my New Year's
plans?

Okay, you know what,
just drop the ribbon, drop it.

- Alright.
- Yay.

Okay, step one now complete,

onto step two.

- And what would that entail?
- Deep cleaning the rooms.

Well, I'd like to be put
to use, what's step three?

You know, I think I need
to lie down,

that blindfold was quite taut.

*SCHITT'S CREEK*
Season 06 Episode 08

Episode Title: "The Presidential Suite"
Aired on: 02/25/20220

That's me in front
of a volcano.

Yeah.

In the jungle,
in outer space,

that's another volcano.

As maid of honour,
I pick the second volcano.

Okay, you are hanging onto
that job by a thread.

Ray, do you have anything
that'll make us look

a little less like the kind
of couple

that gets married
at a theme park?

Oh, I think what David
is trying to say

is maybe something
a little simpler.

Yeah I'm looking
for understated,

Annie Leibowitz
for Vanity Fair.

I want us to look like
two very rich people

that have just woken up
after fainting

- on a dusty old couch.
- Mmm.

I don't know if you've
thought about wedding favours,

but might I suggest
mouse pads,

I got thousands downstairs.

Let me get you some samples.

Wonderful.

Okay, as maid of honour,
I have to say...

You don't have to say
anything.

Anyway, I thought
it would be festive

if I got you a little
pre-wedding gift.

- What?
- Mhmm.

I am sending you
to get pampered

- before this afternoon's shoot.
- Do I get pampered?

No, you get to drive him
to the spa

where he will indulge
in a relaxing

five minute scalp massage

followed by some light sun.

That'll also give me
enough time

to art direct this situation

'cause clearly Ray wouldn't
know my aesthetic

- if it ran him over.
- I'm sorry, did you say sun?

Yeah, like a,
a kiss on the cheeks,

uh, um a gentle spray.

Okay, well, thanks for
the gift, David,

but no thank you.
I'll take it.

Actually sounds less like
a gift and more like a chore.

Okay, I am doing you a favour.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Stevie, take our photo please
for a moment, fast please.

- Ooh, uh.
- Okay.

Yeah, see, side by side my
Mediterranean complexion

makes you look
a little anemic

so the spray will
just even it out.

Okay, it's not that...
bad.

Okay, well, the lighting
is not good so. I mean...

- Hmm.
- Just as an example,

here is a sample mouse pad
that Jocelyn made

for the computer lab
at school.

The Under the Sea theme is only
available during winter months.

My God, Ted,
what are you doing here?

I wanted to surprise you.

- Oh my God, okay, babe, hi.
- Hi, hi.

- Hmm.
- Hm.

Hi, uh sorry there
were limited options

at the airport gift shop.

"Have a great flight",
so sweet.

You're here in the flesh.

Hm, I missed you so much.

Um, who's babysitting
the turtles?

Well, I am a part of a team
of 30

so they let me take
the long weekend off.

The long weekend?
It's Sunday, it's over.

Yeah, I know, I was supposed
to get here yesterday morning

but my first connecting
flight was delayed

and then I got food poisoning
from some bad milk

on my second connecting flight.

Ew Ted, they made you drink
milk on the airplane?

No I actually ordered it,
and in my defense,

they were serving cookies, so.

Okay, so um, how long do
we actually have then?

Just today.

Oh my God.

Okay. Then enough about
the milk thing

even though I have like
50 more questions about it.

Yeah, yeah,
no need to milk it.

Ooh, we definitely
don't have time for that.

No I just, I just wanna be
with you and catch up and talk.

Okay, so my parents are out
and David's at the store

so maybe we can just like be
with each other right now,

and then later if we feel
like it we can talk.

- Yeah, but I...
- You're not still sick,

- are you?
- No I just.

Okay.

Yeah. Okay, we can do this
first.

Boy, I look at this place,
untouched from the 60s.

These motels were a gold mine,
Roland,

all they need is a little
dusting.

And bleach, lots of bleach.

You know, there are boutique
hotels

that would kill for this level
of authenticity.

I'm thinking of turning
this place

into the Presidential Suite

and charging a premium for it.

I'm reminded John of Shanghai

and our Party Secretary Suite

with its own aquarium,

I'd lay in a claw foot tub
watching the orcas.

- Joc.
- And we're back.

You know that staycation
we've been talking about?

Why don't we just do that here?

Well, Roland, that-that
sounds good,

but uh, that just can't happen.

As a new business owner
it's dangerous

to treat your assets
as personal possessions.

That's my John.

At Rose Video, he made me
purchase the blue-ray

of my gritty feminist police
drama, "Miranda Rights".

I rented that three times.

Miranda is so sassy
when she went undercover

for that wet T-shirt contest.

Hey, the sooner we get this
place guest ready,

the sooner we can start
making a profit.

Yeah. Well,
that sounds good to me.

Bob's been charging us
a fortune to babysit.

Speaking of which,
we should get going.

Bob has his first cry therapy
session tonight.

Okay.

Bye.

Well, if that isn't team work,
I don't know what is.

Ah, I know, the room looks
pretty good, huh?

No I'm, I'm talking about
the way you and I,

threw them off the fragrance

so that we could keep this
suite to ourselves.

No that's not what
I was doing, Moira.

No, it's very important
at this stage

to keep the bar set very high
for Roland.

- John.
- Now I just told them

they couldn't stay here.

Oh, be careful, John,

lest you suffer vertigo
from the dizzying heights

of your moral ground.

Are you sure this is
what you want, David?

This looks like someone
put a tarp over

their living room furniture.

Yeah, I'm going for an English
estate in the offseason.

Okay, it's just uh,

do you really want these photos
to say

my relationship is an old
estate in the offseason?

Why don't I show you
the county fair backdrop,

I think a Ferris wheel would
look so cute on a mouse pad.

I don't think we're gonna do
the mouse pads.

- Oh hi.
- Hi.

- Why do you look...?
- Hot?

Oh, I got a spray tan.

Patrick gave you his
appointment, didn't he?

No, I just put mine on your
credit card.

Okay, well that's fraud
and you're a criminal

so where even is my life
partner?

He's coming.

I think he spent maybe a second
too long in there.

Are you happy now, David?
Is this what you wanted?

- You look...
- I look like a cheese puff.

Okay, you said it, not me.

Um what, uh, what ha,
what happened?

Did they use the Allez Vous
bronzer on you?

I don't know, David,
they asked me what I wanted,

I told them just to give me
what you usually get.

Well, why would you do that?

I'm practically Sicilian,
you don't need that much sun.

I don't know how it works,
David.

Well, couldn't find it.

Oh, hi Patrick, I almost
didn't recognize you,

you look like one of those
people

who has that skin condition

from eating one too many
carrots.

- Okay.
- You know what?

I can't be in photos like this
so I'm going to uh,

- I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no, no,

we've got this all set up,

- you'll barely notice it.
- Oh.

And that's what photoshop's
for,

- just to lighten it up a bit.
- Yes,

just have fun with it.

- Yes, have fun.
- Okay, Patrick,

I'm gonna have to ask you
to smile a little more.

I think this is probably
as good as it's gonna get

- right now, Ray.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, here's what
I'm thinking,

we do that like three
to four more times,

and then we go on a romantic
walk to your house

and we like hang out there
for a little bit.

Yeah um, that plan sounds
really active, Alexis.

- Mhmm.
- But uh my mom's staying

at my place and uh,

I'd rather not walk in on her
and her zumba instructor,

don't wanna have to zoom
back here.

Is everything okay?

It's okay to admit
that I tuckered you out.

No it's, it's not that.

Okay, then what is it?

I just thought that it was
important

that we have this conversation
in person.

You're starting to sound like
me trying to end things

with B-Rock on the Backstreet
Boys Millennium Tour.

Ted, you're not like trying
to break up with me, are you?

No I'm not breaking up
with you.

Oh okay, thank God.
So what is it?

I got offered a job.

You say that like
it's a bad thing.

- Is it a bad job?
- No it's a great job,

they wanna make me a permanent
part of the research team

in the Galapagos.

Okay, define permanent.

It's a three year contract.

Okay, that's a long time.

Yeah, I just,
I keep waiting for things

to get easier for us.

So um, what are you gonna
tell them?

I, I don't know,

I mean I had three plane rides
to think about it and,

and I wanted to have a solution
by the time I got here,

but seeing you,

I don't wanna lose this.

Okay, so what do we,
what do we do?

Do I like move to
the Galapagos?

Or I move back here.

And turn down your dream job.

Okay, this just got like
very heavy.

I feel like I'm sweating,

I also feel like very cold.

Yeah. I, I took the weekend
because I want us to have

a few days to talk about it,
but then...

Yeah, no, the milk, I know.

Um, Ted, I think I'm gonna need
a minute.

You know that I can't make big
decisions under pressure,

that's how I ended up
with a pixie cut at prom.

There has to be a way
through this.

I liked this a whole lot more
before we started talking.

Moira, what's going on
in there?

Oh! It's my hands, John,
it's the water,

it's freezing cold.

Well, then move your hands.

How will I know
if it's getting warmer

if I'm not touching it?

Well Moira, you've got
the cold tap on,

you've gotta balance it
with the hot.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not an
alchemist, John,

and it's not like there's
a his sink

for when the hers
is inoperable.

Okay, Moira.

Excuse me while I try
to pass through.

Oh John, these door frames,

it's like trying
to force oneself

through the eye of a needle.

I think uh, the point's been
made, Moira.

Oh, so you're willing to
reconsider a room upgrade?

- Upgrade?
- Mhmm.

Oh, I thought you were
talking about

a romantic weekend.

We start with a weekend
and go from there.

You don't believe we deserve
this perquisite, John,

at least until we secure
a way out of here.

Moira, yeah,
the room is bigger,

it might even be nicer,
but haven't we managed

to make due here in this room
over the past few years?

Yes, in the same way road
crustations are known

to make due in old soda cans.

And what about the kids?

We're just going
to abandon them here?

They're practically
middle-aged

and they're not denying
theirselves betterment,

why should we?

Alright, maybe it is good
business practice

to sample the product
before selling.

Well, whatever you think
is best, Mr. Rose.

I've packed your weekender,
it's in the car.

See, these are good,
we could use any of these.

David, those are just ones
where you look good.

Well...

only took me nine showers
to still look like this.

See, this is good,

this is how you were
supposed to look.

Oh, well then if that's
all it took

should we just head
back to Ray's?

I don't know,
do you think he'd have time?

No, I was being very,
very sarcastic.

- Oh.
- Are there any usable shots?

- Umm.
- Umm.

None of the ones where you
can see your face or hands,

- There's a few I think that...
- but we're still looking.

- Might be good.
- Cool,

so I guess my relatives
will just have to imagine

what the person I'm marrying
looks like

and how happy I am to be
with him, and...

Okay fine, ooh,

maybe we just open up
the guest list a bit

and invite a few more
of your distant relatives,

or I do have head shots
from my pageant days

that I could mail out to them.

David, can we just agree
to stop making this wedding

a bigger deal than it needs
to be.

We are not these people.
Okay.

Well, this is a teachable
moment for all of us.

You know, look at his tan,
looks great,

the lighting's right,

maybe Stevie should take
a few candid shots

- and see what happens.
- You're insane.

- David... no.
- No I'm not.

We are looking for photos
and here we are.

Oh my God.

Okay, well the tan
does look good.

- Ooh see.
- Okay fine,

like maybe a couple more
but then that's it.

Okay fine, alright.

- What is your hand?
- Oh that's weird.

Huh?

Hey Alexis, I haven't seen
you running in a while.

Thanks, Twy.

Yeah, I just needed to get out
and clear my head.

Is everything okay?

I don't know.

Okay, do you think
a smoothie might help?

No, I think I'll just
take a smoothie.

Okay, I'll just be right
over there if you need me.

Oh hi,

Ted.

Um... Alexis.

I know, without sounding
too forward,

I've seen you around...

And uh, you know,
I have to say,

I think that you are the most
beautiful girl

this town's ever seen.

Alexis, Alexis,

here's your smoothie.

Twy, do you ever have those
days where you wonder

why things just
can't be easier?

Why, what's going on?

Ted got a job.

- Another one?
- No, the same one.

He got offered the same job
he already has?

No, same job, they just
want him to stay longer,

like forever.

Oh.

Yeah, so it's like
what now?

Do I leave everything behind

and move to some random island

to be with the love of my life?

'Cause I did that with Harry
Styles in England,

it was like too rainy.

That is hard.

I feel like now's the point
where you... normally

have some surprisingly
helpful advice.

I know you, Alexis,

and you always make
the right decision.

- Hm.
- Eventually.

Thanks, Twy.

There he is,
my ginchi hotelier.

How does it feel
to be President

in the Presidential Suite?

Well, uh,

let me say this
about that, Moira,

Uh, if not now, when,

if not us, who.

- Are you alright, John?
- Oh, it's my JFK,

just playing into the theme.

Best to leave the voice work
to me when setting a mood.

Yeah, so I must admit,
Sweetheart,

I could get used to this.

I'm going to run a bath,
John.

Well, if I close my eyes
I can almost hear

the orcas calling to be fed

or freed.

- Oh.
- Jocelyn, Roland.

Johnny, Moira.

What's going on here?

Uh, nothing, nothing.

No we were uh,

just uh,

Doing a final polish
on the uh, on the room.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I guess martinis work
better than wax, huh?

Johnny, wasn't it you who said

it was dangerous to treat
your assets

like personal possessions?

And what may I ask are you
two doing back here?

I told you we would
get caught, Roly.

Well...

if you must know,

Jocelyn and I had been renting
our extra bedroom

to uh, help pay for this place.

Yeah, and so we thought
there's nobody here,

it might be nice
to have a weekend

where a total stranger
wasn't making themselves

at home in my kitchen.

Okay, look Roland,

I may have been a bit too much
of a stickler earlier.

Ah no, no it's fine,
Johnny, we'll just uh,

we'll just sleep in the truck
with the baby.

Or you know what,

you could give us the keys
to your place,

it would be like wife swap

except we wouldn't be swapping
wives,

- we'd be swapping mattresses.
- Okay, you can take the room.

It's not gonna happen.

- Oh thank you, guys.
- Okay. Great, thank you.

I've never stayed in
a Presidential Suite.

Enjoy it, Honey,

this one uh reminds me
a lot of the uh,

suites in uh Cuba
before Castro took over.

- That's not, that's not JFK.
- Yes, it's JFK,

- Ask a not what your country
- he's always...

- can do for you.
- Who said that?

- The man's from Boston.
- John! - He didn't say, no he's not,

- he's from Upstate New York.
- Coming Moira

And FDR said that.

What is all this?

Sit.

Did you close down
the whole café?

More like I politely
but forcefully

asked everyone to leave.

So the set menu for tonight

is mozzarella sticks,
four cheese lasagne,

and a blueberry cheesecake
for dessert.

Huh,

that's a lot of dairy.

All of your cheat day
favourites.

Also, I may have forgotten
about the whole milk situation.

Well, I appreciate
the gesture, Alexis.

So I feel like there's
an elephant in the room

and... I skipped the class
that taught us how to...

..care for large mammals

and I don't know how
to get it to leave.

You can't move back here,
Ted,

you've just been offered
the job of your dreams

and there's no turning back now.

And just think of all those
gross little flies

that are still out there
for you to discover.

Actually, those flies are an
invaluable piece of the puzzle

in the study of evolution,

but... yes we do have our fingers
crossed that there are

still a few more out there.

What about you,

what are you gonna do?

This might come as a shock
to you, Ted,

but I can't move
to the Galapagos.

I wouldn't let you even
if you tried.

You're building something
special here, Alexis,

and you deserve to see
where it takes you.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

I'd like to think that
we helped each other get here.

I know that we did.

And when you get on
that plane tomorrow

I want you to know
how grateful I am

to have met you.

I don't think I'm ever gonna
meet another woman

who made me feel the way
that you do.

I'm sure there'll be like

some other woman,

somewhere.

Can't say that we didn't try.

I love you, Ted.

I love you too.

♪ While I'm far away
from you, my baby ♪

♪ I know it's hard for you,
my baby ♪

♪ Because it's hard for me,
my baby ♪

- ♪ And the darkest hour ♪
- To us.

♪ Is just before dawn ♪

To us.

♪ Each night before
you go to bed, my baby ♪

♪ Whisper a little
prayer for me, my baby ♪

♪ And tell all
the stars above ♪

♪ This is dedicated to the one
I love ♪

♪ This is dedicated
to the one I love ♪

♪ This is dedicated to the one
I love ♪

♪ This is dedicated... ♪