Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Throuple - full transcript

- Oh my God!
- Ugh!

Jeez, I'm not out the door yet!

Hey, hey, David, isn't that your friend?

Oh, I didn't recognize him clothed.

Yeah, I don't know what he's doing here.

You sure, David, 'cause
I've got a pretty good idea.

Alexis, don't be crass.

David, is he here to s...

Oh my God, I literally told him

to never come back here
while you people were home.

So, I don't...



Um...

What are you doing here?

Well, I was just in
the neighborhood. so...

I just thought after last week,

we decided to avoid the motel.

Like, generally speaking.

David, what should we do?

Should we be walking ahead,

how far ahead should we be walking?

- Uh...
- I'm just gonna walk,

'cause I don't even care
what's going on right now.

Keep walking, okay?! Walk, walk, walk!

Um... what's going on?

Oh...



Okay, um, so you weren't
here for me today.

Okay.

Well, it's just a casual hang,

- you know, we talked about it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's totally fine, I'm just...

I'm tasting metal, for some reason.

Um...

Oh God, David, this is so awkward!

What? What's happening?

Well, I don't think
Jake is here to see David.

We can hear you. Very clearly.

Oh.

Okay, He's early.

- I didn't know...
- No! No, no.

- Okay, sorry.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Uh...

- Have fun, you two.
- Oh John, no!

- Oh, right.
- Don't worry, David,

I've been in this situation
like, the most times,

except I'm always the girl
getting into the truck.

The least they could
do is offer us a ride!

Okay, let's move please, people!

Schitt's Creek - S03E02 - The Throuple
-- Synced by the_foe, corrected by ChrisKe --

All set, Mr. Rose?

Yes, Twyla, I think I'll have the eggs,

and brown toast, over easy,

The eggs, not the toast.

Comin' right up.

And I think I might ask for a...

Oh my God!

What happened?

Well, I went whitewater rafting,

Oh no, well, that'll do it, I mean...

Anyway, it's fine now.

Yesterday it was this stabbing pain,

but today it's more like
a really intense throbbing.

Well, it's not urgent, not urgent.

I don't need coffee with breakfast, so.

I'll grab it right after I clear these.

Well, if it's not too much trouble?

Can I help you with those?

Oh, no, no.

Oh, you know, I can help,

I can help with that, Twyla.

No, no, they say it's better
to work through the pain.

- Really.
- Oh well, there you go.

If those are the doctor's orders...

No, I mean, I can help, Twyla.

I do have a bad back,

But I-I can certainly uh...

- help out here.
- Oh!

Uh, who picked through my cake,

and only left the icing?

Who eats the icing?!

What kind of barnyard
were you raised in,

where you just eat someone else's food?!

So you can share a boyfriend,

but you can't share a piece of cake?

I'm not sharing a boyfriend,

Stevie and I are both dating Jake,

at the same time,

like sexually evolved human beings.

Oh, okay, because in my
experience with throuples...

We're not a "throuple!"

When it comes to three people, David,

there's always a favorite.

It's just like how Mom likes you more.

That's not true, and
please don't include Mom

in an analogy about my
relationship, thank you!

David, lunch today?

- No.
- Oh, okay.

Well, I'll dine alone.

See?!

See what?

Alexis seems to think you like me more.

Alexis, don't be ridiculous!

This is exactly the kind of paranoia

that makes me wary of
spending time with you.

I was sitting right here,

and you chose to eat lunch alone.

That is simply not true!

I didn't see you.

At first.

Alexis, I would be
absolutely glee-ridden

if you would have lunch with me.

Today.

No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't actually...

You'll meet me at the cafe
for their one o'clock sitting.

- Something wrong?
- No!

I should go.

Don't wanna set a bad example

for the rest of the motel staff.

I thought you were the
only one that worked there.

Yeah, that's another good reason to go.

All right, well, I'll drive you.

Mm, I think I'll walk.

I'm trying very hard not to repeat

what happened last night.

Hmm, and here I am
trying very hard to repeat

what happened last night.

I meant you picking me up.

And David and his family.

Ohhh!

Yeah, yeah.

Could've timed that one better.

Yeah. Well, I guess
that's bound to happen

sooner or later in this
sort of situation, right?

I'm sensing that this whole setup

is becoming a bit of
a problem for David.

Yeah, he's just very fragile.

- He's like a snowflake.
- Yeah.

I just think maybe it's
time he and I have a chat.

Oh! No! That's not...

I mean, that's not what I was implying!

No, no, not at all. This is a...

This is a good idea.

For him and for us.

Uhhh...

Here we go, Twyla.

Table Five, a Caprese
salad, and a ginger ale.

Thank you, Mr. Rose, I
really appreciate this.

Oh!

Yeah, it looks like the morning rush

is finally dying down.

Maybe I can get the kitchen to whip up

a fresh batch of eggs for us volunteers.

Uh, Twyla, honey, whenever you're ready.

- I'll be right there!
- Okay.

Would you please pass me my crutch?

- Not a problem.
- Unless...

No, it's right here.

No, I was gonna say
unless you could possibly

take their order?

I just need to cash out Table Three.

Sure, no, I can...

I can do that.

You know, it's funny,
I said eggs, but uh...

I'm gonna be ready for lunch soon.

No, I hear your concern,

it's just apparently what geese do.

No, it's not the town's problem,

You're just going to have
to watch where you step.

I don't want to hear
the... I don't want...

No, I don't wanna hear that!

Okay, I'm gonna take an early lunch.

Twyla's got a broken foot,
so lunch could take a while.

- You coming?
- Yes, let me just get...

Oh wait, I don't think I can.

Okay, I didn't think it'd be
such a tough decision, so...

No, Ronnie!

I would love nothing more
than to lunch with you today,

but I believe I'm lunching with Alexis.

It's kind of a mother daughter thing.

Oh, a little bonding time.

Yes, and what's so wrong with that?!

I don't know, is there
something wrong with that?

Well, just because my daughter and I

don't do that sort of thing
doesn't mean it's impossible!

And I'm sure you'll
have a really good time.

Yes, we will! We will!

Once I break the ice with a
provocative question or two.

Sure.

And then there's the
banter about the food,

that always eats up
some time, doesn't it?

As long as you don't over think it.

Oh, no. Ronnie!

If you're still there when we arrive,

might we... perhaps push
our tables together?

Yeah, perhaps.

Hey!

Um, you don't need me to work
through lunch today, do you?

Would that be to make up for the work

you were supposed to
be doing this morning?

I took one tiny break
to watch two episodes

of "Scandal" with Mrs. McCreary,

while she waited for her dog!

Why do you wanna work through lunch?

Um no, I just thought you might need me,

and um, I wanted to see
if I needed to cancel

this lunch that I have
at the cafe with my mom.

No need, have lunch with your mom.

Okay, cool.

Um, I totally don't mind though,

if you want me to stay.

Is everything okay with your mom?

Absolutely! Why?

Well, it's just you've offered to work

through lunch three times now,

and... most days I can barely get
you to come back after lunch.

Thank you, Ted.

No, everything's fine, it's just...

we don't spend a lot of time
together just the two of us,

which is why it's totally
easy to just rain-check.

Isn't that all the more reason to go?

I mean, I try to have lunch with my mom

at least once a week.

And sometimes lunch
will turn into dinner,

because we get carried
away chatting, and...

For sure, for sure.

Okay, well I guess lunch is free, then.

So I guess I will see you tomorrow.

Oh, well, there's still work to be done,

so probably best if you...

come back after lunch.

Okay, but nothing during lunch, though.

Maybe?

Tell your mom I say hi.

Okay... thanks.

Well, I guess I was a bit premature

thinking the morning rush was over.

- Yeah.
- Here you go.

Table five, seven and eight,

and the big group at twelve,

separate cheques, if you can.

Thank you, Mr. Rose.

And I've got a steak sandwich
here with your name on it.

Oh, you shouldn't have!

Just one thing before you start...

Yeah, steak sauce, I
know, you read my mind.

Actually, I was gonna
ask if you could take this

to table four.

Oh! Yes, yes, I can.

And then I'll be back for that sandwich,

avec sauce.

Here you go.

I didn't order this, I ordered the fish.

That's mine, the full combo?

I wanted to order the fish.

Well, you can order the fish.

He told me not to, he said it was off.

The fish is off?!

No, no, the fish is fine,
it's just uh, you know,

it was a bit fishy.

You know what, I'll just order

the full combo instead.

Okay, but just to be clear,

the combo is a cup of soup,

- and a half a sandwich.
- Then what is that?

It's the full combo.

- There is no full combo.
- He said there was.

Well, not-not in those words.

No, I said we'll see what we can do.

Well, what's this, then?

That's just a soup and a sandwich.

But there is a deal, right?

No.

- You said it was a combo.
- No, no,

I said it was like an
evolution of a combo.

But there's no deal?!

Well, there is a deal on the combo,

which is a cup of soup,

and a half a sandwich.

So what's this gonna cost me?

Well, I-I think we can uh,

charge you for two uh, half combos.

There is no half combo!

It's just a cup of soup,
and a half a sandwich!

Johnny, if I get the
soup with the brisket,

is that then the full combo?

- Mr. Rose?
- Yeah, I'll fix it, uh, Twyla.

All right, just soup, and a sandwich.

- Hey!
- Hello!

Hey.

Hey.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

Me too!

When your father comes over,

just act like everything's normal.

Is there something not
normal about us being here?

It's not normal for your
father to be waiting tables

at a rural sandwich counter.

Eww! What's happening?

He thinks he's working.

Just play along.

Well, can I get you ladies started

with anything that is not a combo?

Um, I will have a mixed green salad,

and some chicken.

Me too, something in common already.

Salads, good. Simple.

And I will get the dressing
on the side, please.

You'll get your dressing on the salad,

like everyone else.

Hmm!

Hmm.

So... huh, this is new.

Well, a lot more people are
seeing my body these days,

so I just thought I would...

What's going on?

I just wanted to check in, you know,

after that whole thing last night.

Was it a whole thing?

I mean, I went to dinner with my family,

and you had a...

romantic rendezvous with
someone that we're both seeing.

- So...
- Yeah.

- That.
- Well, I'm fine with it.

Me too.

I just wanna make sure
that we're still fine,

you know, down the line.

Because what if things get complicated?

What would make things complicated?

Nothing!

But the last thing
we want is a situation

where one person is breaking
up with another person,

and that person is hurt,

because things have gotten complicated!

Okay, I'm starting to
feel like I'm trapped

in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.

And while I not-so-secretly love Avril,

and have paid very close
attention to her battle

with Lyme disease,

um, I don't know why we're...

Okay.

If you knew somebody was planning

on breaking up with you,

wouldn't you wanna be the one
to break up with him first?

Okay, if you think he's
going to break up with you

and you wanna be the first one to do it,

I say, be the first one to do it.

Okay, I'm doing this wrong.

I need to be more direct.

Yes, by just telling him how you feel.

I think it'll benefit everyone.

- I meant you!
- Me?

I'm trying to warn you...

That you are going to be
ending things with him.

And I appreciate that, but
message has been delivered.

- Oh my God.
- Loud and clear.

Uh...

Oh.

Okay, it's Jake, so um...

Oh, okay.

Don't worry, I'm gonna let you tell him.

- Okay.
- Hello?

Yeah, no, I was just um...

I was just doing squats, actually.

Ugh!

Mmm!

Um, I love having salad for lunch.

It's just, it's not heavy.

No, well, a heavy salad
might as well be a casserole.

Mhmm...

So, how are...

working at the animal hos-

Uh, how is working at
the animal hospital?

- Fine.
- That's marvelous.

And...

uh, your daily exercise routine...

What are you looking at?

- It's-well, it's a
napkin. - Let me see this.

You had to prepare questions?!

I wouldn't categorize
them as questions exactly.

"What's your favorite color?"

- Black.
- That's one of the questions!

It's right after,

"how is your job at
the animal hospital?"

Is it a crime, Alexis,

that I had so many queries
for you that I wrote them down

in anticipation of forgetting them?

Well, you wouldn't need
these if you were having lunch

- with David.
- Oh, Alexis, please.

I wasn't even sure you'd show up.

Why wouldn't I show up?

You've never wanted to
spend time alone with me.

There, I said it.

You never asked.

Bordeaux?! The trip I
planned for the two of us?

That was a wine tasting tour,

and I was seven years old!

You could've used the spittoon,

That's what the other children did.

But you weren't interested.

It was as if you didn't
want to be seen with me.

Well, did you ever wonder why?

To revel in my misery?

No, it's because you were
always being recognized.

- Yes...
- No! Not now.

Like... before.

Didn't you enjoy the warm glow

that Mummy's spotlight cast upon you?

- No!
- Alexis!

If I'd known you didn't
like the attention,

I would've chosen to be alone with you,

and not out in public,
among the throngs of fans.

I don't remember throngs.

I never meant for you to think that I...

didn't wanna spend any time with you.

Well...

I hope it's not too late
to make up for lost time.

Okay.

What is your favorite season?

Awards.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm meeting Jake.

To break up with him?

No, I thought you spoke
to him on the phone before?

I did, he invited me here for dinner.

Uh...

- Hi!
- Sorry I'm late, guys.

Oh, you both look amazing.

Great. Muah!

- Oh. Hi...
- Hey. Muah!

- Mhmm.
- Sit, please.

Oh, okay.

No, I think there's
been a mix-up here.

I don't think I should be here for this.

Oh, no, no,

I think it's very important
that you're here for this.

Okay, here for what?

Well, good evening.

David, Stevie.

- Mr. Rose.
- Hello again.

I take it we'll be dining
together as a group tonight?

Or will you be taking turns?

Um, first of all, what
are you doing here?!

And second, we're gonna need a minute.

- So...
- Yeah, sure, take your time.

Okay.

David, may I?

Yeah.

I know this hasn't
been easy on you lately,

and that doesn't make me feel good.

And I know Stevie's been
feeling it a little bit, too.

Has she?

That's why I think there's
only one thing for me to do.

Oh, I should go.

- No. No.
- Okay...

I think we all need
to be in this together.

Now, you've been with each other,

and you've both been with me.

Let's all be...

with us.

Let's all be with us?

All of us.

Together.

- Mm, 'Kay.
- Yeah...

I don't think that's gonna work.

Stevie, we talked about this.

You talked about this?!

You said you didn't want
to make things complicated!

Yeah, that's why I
invited you both here.

Wow, okay.

Hmm, I think maybe I...

misread the situation here.

Yeah, I think that's a
pretty accurate realization.

Uh huh!

Might've done.

Okay.

Okay, maybe it's best we all just...

take a step back from this.

- Okay.
- Yeah, maybe that's...

that's the best thing to do.

- Mhmm.
- Well...

This one's for you, Muah!

- And you.
- Oh! I get one.

- Mhmm, Muah!
- Okay.

All right, I'll see 'ya.

Ah!

To be clear,

you were going to go on a date with him,

knowing that he had
just broken up with me?

No I wasn't.

Uh, you showed up for the date.

No I didn't.

You're literally here in the restaurant!

Because I was gonna tell him

that I was breaking up with him.

Ohhh, okay.

Uh, yeah, fine.

But if it makes you feel any better,

nobody hates me more than me.

Generally speaking.

Fair enough, I would've
done the same thing.

There you go Mr Rose.

This is your share of the tips.

Oh Twyla, I can't take any money.

I insist, you earned it.

Well, I have to admit,

I haven't worked this
hard in a long time.

I'm glad to hear it.

Although the things
some of these customers

can put you through!

Oh, I know.

Joking when you're way too busy,

trying to tell you how
they want their food cooked.

I've experienced a bit of that myself.

Yeah, you know, I think maybe um...

you should keep my share of the tips.

That's not necessary, Mr. Rose.

No, just think of it as
a little reparation pay.

Well, that doesn't
even begin to cover it!

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --