Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Opening Night - full transcript

David, this isn't funny!

I have my first Town
Hall meeting in an hour,

where is my portfolio?!

Uh, why... why would I know
where your portfolio is?

You were bedazzling it last night.

Excuse me?

I haven't bedazzled
anything since I was 22.

David, you were dressed
like a harlequin,

and you were gluing shiny jewels...

perhaps that was just a night terror.

Um... oh God.



Okay.

Oh.

Well! Uh...

Hello.

Hi, uh, I'm-I'm Jake.

Oh, of course you are.

- David?
- Um, Jake, this is my mother.

Listen, I'm really sorry,

I didn't think anybody would be home.

Okay, nobody was supposed to be home.

Nobody was supposed to be home, so...

You were supposed to be at lunch,

why-why are-why were you not at lunch?!

David, stop acting like
a disgruntled pelican!



I came home from lunch
because I realized

- I misplaced my portfolio.
- ... folio.

So we're-I'm gonna...
we're gonna look for it.

- David,
- Oh my God!

we're looking for your
mother's portfol...

Oh. Oh! Okay.

Hello, uh, Johnny Rose. You are?

- Jake.
- Yes, welcome, welcome, Jake.

I see uh, David's made
you feel right at home.

- Okay, Dad!
- John...

No, no, no, I'm just
saying, carry on doing...

whatever you're doing, or not... doing.

- Okay.
- I mean, I see things

- No. Got it, got it...
- are wrapping up here, so...

- so much.
- Oh my God!

- Oh my God!
- Alexis, this is Jake.

We seem to have caught the boys in a...

In an "afternoon delight."

- Is that term still a going thing?
- No, that's no.

- No, never say that again.
- Don't do that.

Um David, I thought we agreed,

only when nobody was home.

Nobody was home!

- Nobody was home!
- Oh, here it is!

Ha ha ha!

Nice to meet you, Jacob.

If you take half as much care of our son

- as you do your physique,
- Okay!

David should be in very good hands.

Yes, well, not-not your hands,

- Mhmm, yep. Bye!
- but uh... generally speaking...

Well, I hope it was worth it.

Okay, I think you can
take a step outside.

You can step outside
while this is happening.

Let him change.

You're like a predator!

Um...

-- Resynced by the_foe from Aaronnmb version --
== Always for Boba ==

Okay, and so the last four digits

on that credit card number are 6-3-1-2?

Great, and the security
code on the back?

Bob, who's sitting at my desk?

Your next big opportunity, that's who.

What opportunity?

Well, Cal's doing big business,

and since you two are sharing an office,

uh, I thought you might
wanna get in on some of it.

Sharing an office?

You've... rented out my office space?!

Well, Johnny, you weren't
exactly paying rent,

and Cal's business is booming.

I should add that
registration is totally free,

there's no charge
whatsoever for registration,

there's just a small monetary...

And what business is this?

Antivirus. The guy's amazing.

Okay, you'll be receiving
your CD-ROM in the mail

within the next two weeks,

and you'll know the software is working

if you don't see any changes.

Bob, this sounds like a scam.

Far from it.

No, my-my computer was
riddled with viruses.

I mean, Cal uh, he fixed it,

over the phone!

He didn't even look at my computer!

That's how good he is.

Bob, I've got a meeting
with a client in an hour,

and I cannot be conducting business

with somebody yammering
into the phone beside me!

Johnny, you're putting me
in a bit of a pickle here.

You know, obviously I'd
like to keep you both.

But there's uh...

a cardboard box over there,

you know, if you do
feel like you wanna...

you know, pack up your things.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

Um, what are you...
what are you doing here?

I just popped in to say hello.

Yeah, he came to say hi to me.

Oh... yeah.

Um, and-and what... and um...

how long have you been here for?

Why, are you writing a true crime novel?

I'm just curious.

Just curious about what you guys are...

what you guys are talking about.

About stuff.

Mhmm...

Is that okay with you?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I should probably head.

I've got a ton of work to do, so...

- Mmmm!
- Bye.

Bye.

Unnnh!

Ahh...

- I'll be in touch, all right?
- Okay, yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay.

What the flying (bleep)
is going on here?!

I was gonna ask you the same thing!

- What was that?!
- Uh, what was that?!

We're seeing each other!

Okay, we're seeing each other.

He literally came here from my room.

Well, he dropped me off
at work this morning.

He what?!

He dropped me off...

- at work this morning!
- Okay, I get it!

Um, he did not mention that to me.

And... frankly,

I don't know whether I
want your sloppy seconds!

Uh, first of all, who
says they're sloppy,

and second, who's to say we're
not getting his sloppy thirds?!

Who knows how many people he's
got on the go at this point?

Okay, well all I know is
that someone is sloppy...

and it's not me!

Well, hello, everyone!

What time is curtain?

We'll probably start in a few minutes.

Well, it looks like a
full house out there.

Huh! So uh...

is this what everyone's wearing?

Well, I might lose the jacket.

If we look to have
given up on ourselves,

how can we assure our constituents

that we haven't given
up on them as well?

So we look like we've
given up on ourselves?

Could we remember please
that these are real people,

with real problems, people!

And while I can't pretend
to fully understand them,

I can at least attempt to care!

Places, please!

Um, okay, so I downloaded this app,

basically so clients can schedule

their appointments online.

It just saves me answering the phone.

Right, so then...

what will you do?

Thank you for asking, Ted.

And here is my answer.

Um, my answer...

starts by me saying...

So, you two call each other?

Hey! Um, about what?

You're dressed the same.

Ah, never heard that one before.

- How are you?
- I'm good, good.

Tennessee and I are actually
goin' on a trip for a while, so...

Wow, like, Tulum? Or...

Uh, just gonna get in our
car, and drive up the coast,

let the road take us where it wants.

No plans, no phones, no schedules.

Basically my worst nightmare.

Sounds very adventurous.

Yeah, well, I just needed to
get away for a while, you know?

So uh, what's new with you guys?

Well, Alexis came home to
a naked man in her bathroom.

- Cool.
- Um no, it wasn't cool,

because he wasn't actually there for me,

which made everything very awkward,

and uncomfortable for everyone.

Well, you're free to use
the barn while I'm away.

You know, if you need some privacy.

I was actually looking for
someone to water the plants,

and check over the place, so...

Oh, well, thank you, Mutt.

That actually might be good for me.

Well, we're leaving this
afternoon, so you know,

just swing by and grab the keys.

That's very generous.

Is that weird?

Parents are complaining

that they're struggling to get off
work early enough to pick up their kids,

and so that's why we
would like to extend

the after school daycare
program by half an hour.

That's an idea we'll...

give some real thought to.

Spoken like a true politician.

Ah! Vivacity aside,

our children's safety
is no laughing matter.

As a mother who once
invested a great deal

of time and money into her children,

I, for one, stand by

the request to extend
the hours of the daycare.

One might think that an additional
30 minutes will have no impact,

but you tell that to the mother

whose manicurist just
applied the wrong color,

and must start all over again,

or the father who got stuck in a mine!

That extra half hour
could be the difference

between a child who
gets picked up safely,

and one who wanders the street,

waiting for a dust-covered man
to emerge from the darkness!

We do wait with the kids...

Is that really what
we want for our town?

Homeless toddlers?!

Tugging at your pant legs?!

Okay Moira, I think
you've made your point.

I assure you, council
will examine this issue

thoroughly and carefully.

Your children will be
safe, that is a promise!

Moira, what are you doing?
You undermined my authority!

We were losing our audience!
You saw the walkouts.

And on opening night!

- This isn't a theatre!
- Isn't it?

Look, you can't go making
blind promises to these people!

This isn't "Sunrise Bay,"

where everybody lives
in a perfect dream world!

I'll have you know,

Sunrise Bay was a coastal community

plagued by a centuries-old curse!

I hate to jump in here,

but you told me I should use
the bathroom during the break,

and uh, the line's getting really long!

- Go for it, Bob.
- Ohhh!

Ronnie, you have whispers
of a maternal instinct.

Isn't this issue important to you?

It's not a matter of importance,
it's a matter of money!

Then find the money!

Ohhh, okay, why don't I just tiptoe

into my orchard of money trees,

and fill my basket with money for you!

And while we're at it,

why don't I gather up
some diamond carrots,

and some golden potatoes!

And I don't mean the
kind of potatoes you eat,

I mean, the...

potatoes that are made
out of actual gold.

Okay, there must be some solution.

To the problem you just caused?

I'm sure you'll figure somethin' out.

Oh, welcome to the show.

Well, first, I wanna say thank you, Amy,

for taking the time to see me today.

It's actually Amygrace.

Amygrace, well, apologies.

It's funny, 'cause I
remember when our families

used to vacation together,
you were just "Little Amy."

I've always been Amygrace.

Ah...

well then, just call me Johnnymichael.

You know, I-I'm very
interested in your business,

Amy... grace.

It's been very fulfilling.

Yeah. "Screamnastics."

"Screamnastics," I read that's
a combination of gymnastics

and um... screaming?

Scream therapy, yes.

And extreme juicing.

Ah well, I'm a big juice fan myself.

Just so you know, Mr. Rose,

most orange juices have

frighteningly high sugar levels.

Okay...

So, here's the important thing.

I believe this town
could be the perfect spot

for your next franchise.

Here's the issue, Mr. Rose,

I've been touring small towns,

in an extensive market research trip.

And unfortunately,
what we're discovering

is that most "rural" communities

just don't have the
same interest in health.

Or wellness.

Or what we like to call,

"Screamnastic inner/outer
beauty connectivity."

Well, I know a lot of people here

who are very connected to
their inner and outer beauty.

And even more who could use

some of that "Screamnastic"
connect... tivity.

I love your enthusiasm, Mr. Rose.

It's very "Screamnastic."

Well, this town is very
"Screamnastic," Amygrace.

Why don't we circle back
in I don't know, six months,

and see how things are going then?

Yes, sure, sure, sure. We can do that.

Tell you what, why not
make it three months?

Let's circle back in three months,

and that way we might be able to...

open a "Screamnasium" by Christmas.

Oh, we don't call them that.

But it's been so great
seeing you, Mr. Rose.

And my parents say hi, by the way.

They were beside themselves
when they found out

what happened to you guys.

Well, we're okay.

We're doing just fine, thank you.

Anyway, you take care.

You too.

Ahem!

That's a nice chair.

Oh, hey.

Thanks!

I'm just putting the
last coat on it now.

- Ah.
- I think I'm getting a little high...

- from the fumes.
- Oh, that's nice.

Uh, we know that you're
seeing both of us.

- So...
- Okay.

Wait, did you not know that?

Uh, no, we did not.

I mean, when you kissed
us both on the mouth

we sort of pieced it together.

Listen, I don't want to cause any drama.

- We don't want any drama!
- Who wants drama?

Nobody... does.

Some clarity would've been nice.

- You know?
- Totally, yeah.

I just uh...

I assumed you guys were cool with it.

Yeah, I don't think it's a
matter of not being cool with it,

I don't think that's...
that's not what this is,

it's um, what this
is, is a clarity thing.

Yeah.

So you are cool with it?

Yeah, I'm cool with it now.

I'm not not cool with it.

I don't think that was
ever the thing, so...

I don't think anybody's not cool here.

Okay, cool.

Well, hello again, you beautiful people.

I would love to circle
back to this matter

of the extended daycare hours.

Although I made some excellent points,

in the interest of a fair
and balanced discussion,

I will now argue the
other side of the issue.

One of my fondest memories
from childhood were weekdays,

between 5:30 and 6 P.M.

That was our time!

And we would've fought anyone

who dared try to take it away from us.

So you're not extending the hours?

Do we really want Big Brother
programming every waking minute

of our children's lives?!

So is that a yes or a no, I...

- It's an absolutely.
- Absolutely what?

Absolutely crucial...

absolutely crucial!

Crucial that we...

approach-that...

that we entertain every...

- approach. I don't...
- Ahem!

We'll think about it.

Alexis!

What's...

what's up?

Hey, it's you.

Um, we just came by to pick
up the keys for the barn.

The keys to... this barn?

Yeah, Mutt asked me to just pop by,

and keep an eye on the
place while you are gone.

Okay.

This is just the first
I'm hearing about it,

which is fine.

If I had known you were
staying at our place,

I would've cleaned the
sheets for you guys.

Oh no, we're not together.

You literally could not
have said that any faster.

Hey babe, I'm just
getting caught up here.

So, Alexis is crashing at our place?

Not crashing.

It just caught me off
guard, 'cause I didn't know

that there was an arrangement here.

I don't know about arrangement,

it just sorta happened.

You're the one who said you
don't like to plan things.

Well, I like to plan things sometimes.

Uh, so Tennessee,

Mutt tells us that you guys
are heading up the coast?

- Yes!
- Yeah, we're meeting some friends.

We're going on a pinecone harvest.

Pinecone harvest?

We're picking pinecones.

I got this old compass at a flea market;

we're just gonna drive
until we see the pine trees.

Hmm, that sounds like it is gonna be...

super fun and intense.

Mutt, you didn't tell me about...

Yeah, the pinecones.

So, we know roughly where we're going.

I'm pretty sure the
compass is broken, though.

Well, I think that it's better
to just freefall into it.

- Yes.
- Yeah, but like I said,

it wouldn't hurt to bring a map.

Anyway, you pick the pinecones,

and they harvest the seeds.

It sounds like this is
going to be like, a very um,

cathartic journey for you guys.

- Here's hoping.
- Hmm! Yeah.

So uh, here's the keys.

And take care of the place.

Don't throw any parties.

Pinky swear.

Hmm, we should probably get going.

We were going...

to hit the hot springs
before the sun sets!

Oh yeah, definitely
want to get a soak in,

before you tackle the cones.

Which you must really be...

"pining" for by now!

Okay. Okay!

Well, safe travels.

Yeah, that was weird.

I will not be watering those plants.

Hello? Sorry.

- Hey, Moira.
- Hi.

- Hey!
- Hey, Moira.

Stay away from the
Cafe, the olives are bad.

I found Johnny at the Cafe,
he'd had a lot of olives,

so I thought I would take him home

before he had any more "olives."

- Hello, dear.
- John, what have you...

Oh, John, you smell like my mother!

Well, Bob kicked me out of the garage

so Cal could steal people's money.

I think you can handle this from here,

so have a good night, Johnny.

Okay, thanks, guys.

Oh John, I think you could
use a nice, cold shower.

Well, I need something.

You and the kids are
doing it all, Moira.

Alexis has a job,

David's puttin' money in the coffers,

you're on Council, making
a difference every day.

Not every day.

You know what, I don't know if I'm...

looking after this family
as well as I should be.

John, you're the only one
holding this family together.

And that's the most
important job of all.

You're a good man, John Rose,

and good men always win!

Not at this exact moment perhaps,

you have an olive stain on your tie.

What's that?

But just because no
one is currently seeing

all the wonders of
which you are capable,

does not mean that you are not

one of the most talented
people in this family.

Well, thank you, Moira.

- Has he thrown up yet?
- Oh, go to bed!

- It's six o'clock!
- Goodnight!

So, on a scale of one...

to a Sao Paolo hangover,

how are we feeling right now?

I wouldn't have gotten
out of bed this morning.

Children, have some respect
for your father's condition.

I'm feeling fine, Moira.

- You don't look fine.
- I'm fine!

Okay...

All right, ready to order?

Yeah, toast...

dry toast, and more coffee, please.

And I know it's early, but
I'm kind of feeling like,

a big piece of fish.

Mm!

Um... and I'll have a bowl of room
temperature hollandaise sauce, please.

Oh, that's funny, very funny.

- Don't listen to them, John.
- Very funny.

Don't listen and pick a point
on the wall if you need to.

Just a fruit cup for me, please.

Anything else?

Um yeah, I would love
to order something else,

but I'm just having
trouble... seeing the menu.

Yeah, so um...

if we could somehow
make it brighter in here?

Okay, you know what, kids? Stop it.

Okay, well, I will be
right back with the toast,

fruit, fish, and... sauce.

- Thanks.
- Perfect.

Have you no empathy?!

Stop persecuting your father,
we all know he's in a bad way.

No bad way, Moira,

I'm actually feeling pretty good.

Well I, for one think we should
celebrate your resilience!

A toast!

A toast!

All right, you know what,
I'm sitting at another table.

-- Subs by Aaronnmb --