Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Bad Parents - full transcript
Because David has no place to store all his designer clothes after his father demands David remove them from his and his mother's closet, David has to figure out what to do with them. Stevie suggest he sell what he doesn't want, which is not that easy to do in Schitt's Creek and with David's mentality of "every piece is special". Alexis has to do community service in Schitt's Creek for a DUI charge incurred previous to her arrival. She ends up doing that service with fellow "delinquent" and object of her secret affection, Mutt. Because of these issues, David and Alexis' rather distant attitude toward them, and an issue with Alexis' middle name, Johnny and Moira come to the conclusion that they have been bad parents and don't really know their children all that well. They take a business approach to rectify the matter. And through all these issues, the Roses learn some unexpected information about the Schitt family.
David?
Can you come here please?
David, can you come
in here please?
What?
Well, come in here
and I'll tell you.
Well, why don't you just
tell me from there?
- David...
- You could've already told me.
I want to speak face to face.
Motels this size,
we're basically always face to face.
In the same room.
Why are you yelling?
I'm right here.
I want you to move
your clothes.
I did.
Out of my closet.
You've got t-shirts on hangers.
I've nowhere to hang my clothes.
Well, put them over
the t-shirts then.
- Moira...
- Alexis!
No, no, it's David I want.
I need to speak
with our daughter.
Good luck.
Oh, my God!
Where did you hear that?
Yeah? What is it?
I need you to fill
this out please.
Fill what out?
Your community service papers.
As our only delinquent,
I hope it's not asking too much.
I still have to do that?
Generally, that's how
it works, honey.
When you break the law,
you've gotta serve your sentence.
Well, it was one DUI.
Please, before I lose my mind.
I don't get it. It's all done.
No, there's still a little bit
that needs to be filled in.
Hmm, all that's missing
is my middle name.
Then fill it in please.
Do I have to do that?
Ugh! Why must you be
so constantly irksome?
Do you not know
my middle name?
Of course I do.
I blessed you with it.
Okay, so, um... Then what name
should I put down then?
Alexis, do as your
mother says, please.
Do you know my middle name?
If I said, "Anna..."
I can't believe this.
Alexis Something Rose.
We have so many disasters
bombarding us right now, my dear.
The middle name of an ungrateful
child is hardly a priority.
Wait. Alexis has
a middle name?
Why is this the first
I'm hearing of this?
Do... Do I have a middle name?
Now you come into the room.
Have we failed them, John?
I'm worried about our children.
Are we terrible parents?
Terrible parents?
We sent them to the best
boarding schools,
we hired the best nannies.
We did everything right.
I mean, they're not
overly affectionate with us
and there's a lot more
disrespect than I'd like,
but, no, we're good parents.
But who are they?
Well, it might be nice to get
to know them better,
I suppose.
Wouldn't it, John?
But who has time
amidst all this chaos?
Hmm. I get it.
So what's your deal?
You're pretty. What's that like?
Um... It's good.
Yeah, lots of doors
open up for pretty people.
Mmm-hmm.
Clearly, as I register
for community service.
So what'd you do?
Um, I drove into
the Prada store
on Rodeo Drive.
In fairness, it did look
a lot like the entrance
to a parking garage.
Uh-huh.
And I was high at the time.
Are you high right now?
No, I'm not.
Well, you might wanna be,
'cause this isn't exactly
thrilling work.
And you won't be gettin'
any chit chat from your buddy.
What buddy?
You're not the only druggy
in town, hon.
Ronnie.
Mmm.
Here's your garbage stick.
You use it to pick up garbage.
And here...
Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you.
That's very sweet.
This isn't Say Yes
to the Dress, princess.
Orange is the new orange.
Okay.
Who needs 14 grey suits?
What am I supposed to do
with my dry clean onlys?
I'm still trying to figure out
why you'd own more
than one piece of clothing
you can't put
in a washing machine.
You try putting a cashmere
sweater in the washing machine.
It'll bite your wrist.
That's a problem
I'd like to have.
Are these all your clothes?
Yeah.
What's this, then?
That's a sweater.
It's one chromosome away
from a crocheted blanket.
What?
It's just your clothes,
they're all kind of funky.
Funky?
Yeah. Funky.
Yeah, no, no. I'm just trying to
figure out what about this...
What about this is funky?
I'm just having
a hard time understanding.
It's just, you know,
like funky. Different.
Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt
you buy at an airport gift shop,
next to a bejewelled
iPhone case.
This... This is luxury.
There's a lot of stuff here.
Have you ever considered
selling some of this?
These are my things.
I've hand-selected each of these things.
They mean a lot to me.
How much do you think
I can get for this?
So you got busted
for selling drugs?
Like hard drugs? Like...
Did you wear a hazmat suit
and work in a trailer?
No. It was just weed
and mushrooms, uppers.
Mostly to truckers
and my high school teachers.
Mmm-hmm.
It's actually pretty clean
around here,
which is shocking considering
the state of our motel room.
Speaking of unfit homes,
why do you live in a barn?
What's wrong with living
in a barn?
Hmm, nothing,
if you're a goat.
Well, it serves its purpose.
It seems to. With the ladies.
That's just a joke.
I'm sorry for walking in on
you and Twyla the other day.
No, it's cool.
So how long have you two
been together?
So, listen, I gotta take off
for a bit.
I got this thing I gotta do.
Can you cover for me?
- Um, I mean...
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Thanks. Sorry.
Excuse me!
What am I supposed to keep doing here?
I feel like we should break
these into categories.
Um...
Fit, fabric,
and nationality.
Or we could do this.
- I... Hmm.
- Keep or sell?
- Well, those are...
- Keep or sell?
- Just keep or sell?
- Sell. Sell them.
I got these at a showroom
in Paris.
I got these on clearance rack
at Target.
- Eight-fifty.
- Eight-fifty what?
- Eight hundred...
- Dollars?
- $850.
- $850?
These are collector's. There's a woman
in Paris that makes them by hand, so...
My car's worth
less than your pants.
Well, I've seen your car
and that makes sense to me.
Okay, then. Right.
We'll try to get $850 dollars for your pants.
Keep or sell?
I don't know.
Ugh! Ugh!
You know, I think the reason
our kids are so casual with us
is because they think of us
as their friends.
Hmm. No.
No, it's obvious.
It's obvious, Moira, right?
Because we're hip parents.
- Oh, John...
- And that comes at a price.
John, we're not hip.
I'm hipper than you,
but in our children's eyes,
we are the polar antonym
of hip.
Well, somehow we've lost touch
with our kids.
We've become
complete strangers.
Hey! Have we decided?
Just coffee, please.
Uh, Twyla, do you get along
with your parents?
I did.
It's a little different now.
My mom has this thing where half the
time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela.
And it's getting harder
and harder
to coordinate visitation times
with my dad in prison.
I'm sorry I asked.
That's okay!
I'll get you your coffees.
Your mother and
I have been talking,
and we've come
to the realisation
that we've not been
very good parents.
Sadly,
and most of the time,
we have no interest
in what's going on with you.
We have no idea what's...
'Cause she means "no idea."
We have lost touch
as a family,
and if we're gonna get
through this ordeal together,
we have got
to get reacquainted.
Now, back at Rose Video,
we had management retreats
where we would play fun
team-building exercises...
You also had company-wide
spa days.
Why don't we try that?
And one of the ice breakers
at these retreats
was a game
that was always a hit.
And it was a game where somebody
would tell a lie about themselves,
and then a truth,
and then another lie,
and everybody would have to
guess which one was the lie.
No, Johnny, they had to guess
which one was the truth.
Hmm. Which one was the lie.
It's just one lie.
- What did I say?
- You said two lies.
- Well, it is two lies.
- No, it's...
No, the game is
"two truths and a lie."
- It's truth. So you've heard of it.
- That's the game.
Well, yeah, because babies play
that at their birthday parties.
Okay, whatever.
It's a good game.
Okay? Now, here's how it goes.
I'll give you an example.
Why don't I start?
Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game.
So... Here's a hint.
Sadly, I'm not drunk.
Okay, wrong attitude.
That's the wrong...
- Right off the top!
- Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn.
Um... Okay. My eyes are brown,
I am basically sample-sized,
and one time I escaped from
a Thai drug lord's car trunk
by bribing him with sex.
Right idea, honey,
but you know what?
It's gotta be more
challenging for everybody...
Her eyes are aqua.
You did what?
I'm kidding.
I clearly would never bribe
anybody with sex.
When were you in Thailand?
I told you
that I was on spring break.
Everyone can just calm down
because Aroon was a lovely gentleman
until he ran out of money.
How many people do you know that
are currently in the prison system?
Is it like 12?
I'm pretty sure just two.
All right, that's enough.
Good game.
Good game, everybody!
Alexis, you're grounded.
No! That was 10 years ago,
and everybody does dumb stuff
in high school.
You were 17?
Did you know this?
As if. I don't do girl talk.
Okay, everybody does
dumb stuff everywhere.
For example, I saw Mutt today,
the guy that lives in the barn,
making out
with the mayor's wife.
- What's-her-face?
- Mmm-hmm.
- And the homeless kid?
- Mmm-hmm.
Guys like that
will bone anything.
Well, not anything.
Stop.
- 'Cause that would mean...
- Stop. Stop.
- That would include...
- Stop it.
- You. Which it doesn't.
- Don't.
Ew!
You know, I remember when Alexis
was just a chubby-faced little girl
racing around the house
in that banned baby walker,
and now she's spending time
in a drug lord's trunk?
Oh, that is my favourite
Liam Neeson movie.
Johnny. Johnny, look
who's come in.
Is it true?
"Politician's neglected wife
sleeps with ranch hand."
- I love it.
- He's not a ranch hand.
He's a vagrant in a barn.
Hi there!
- Moira.
- Jocelyn.
- Johnny, hi.
- Hi.
You look amazing.
Utterly alive.
I don't feel it. My lower back
is completely shot.
Oh, dear. Why would that be?
Age?
Even the slightest twitch
in bed throws it out.
Perhaps a new position
would help?
Would you like to join us?
No, I ate already.
Couldn't put another thing in my mouth.
Well, that's...
Okay. All right then.
Oh, my God.
They sell all kinds of stuff.
- Hey, Wayne.
- Hey, Stevie.
Um, so this
is my friend David.
David Rose. What are your
consignment percentages?
Uh, this is a thrift shop.
Okay. Do you have
sales representative?
Who will be pricing
these items?
Um... Me.
Okay.
Is there a problem, Wayne?
It's just...
I can't really use
any of this.
It's too, you know...
Funky?
Sure. Let's go with that.
Okay, let's take your
oily hands off my clothes.
You sure you can't take
any of this stuff?
Some of this stuff's
pretty good.
Maybe we can use the sneakers.
Maybe the sneakers?
This is French suede,
with a vulcanized-rubber instep, okay?
You've lost my trust
and my business, so...
- We'll be leaving now.
- Sorry.
What is this place?
What is this place?
Ugh!
Ugh!
So, what happened
to you yesterday?
What happened to me?
Yeah, I came back
and you were gone.
Well, I had to do
most of the shift by myself.
So thank God
I had my rape whistle.
Sorry. I had some stuff
I had to take care of.
And did you get your stuff
taken care of?
Yeah, I guess.
'Cause it seems to me like
you get your stuff taken
care of pretty regularly.
By multiple people,
if you know what I mean.
I don't.
Look, I know
you probably think
that you're this handsome man
around town who's like
handsome, mysterious,
and handsome and homeless-y
but you're better than that,
you know?
What?
Like, I don't judge.
Trust me. I have been...
I have been in the middle of
some very messy group scenarios
and I know how weird
it can be, so...
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm just saying that
your secret is safe with me.
Wink.
Let me just say, I get it.
How much can one person take?
Well, maybe this is not
our place, Moira.
And where does all
that pent up energy go?
I should go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where have you been?
I've been looking for you all morning.
Around.
Well,
I tried calling you.
I must have turned
my phone off by mistake.
Joce, did you see him
again today?
See who?
Oh, geez, you know, I told you,
you can see him as much as you want,
just don't keep it
a secret from me, okay?
I wanna know everything
you two are doing.
Look, half the time I'm there,
he doesn't even want me there.
I just can't help myself.
Well, you love him.
Yeah.
I love him too,
but the kid's an idiot.
It's our son, Mutt.
We're talking about our son.
- Yeah. Our son.
- Oh!
You done with that? Got it.
No, I wasn't. I wasn't...
Yeah, he turned into
a real nutbar.
Doesn't drive in cars,
he won't use anything plastic.
Good luck
with birth control, right?
And then we see you with your
kids and you're so together.
What's your secret?
Listening is so
very important.
So important to listen
to your kids.
See, Roland? Listening.
Excuse me,
I listen to the kid.
If he'd listened to me,
he wouldn't be sitting
in a hut making
his own underwear.
The internet is a breeding
ground for freaks.
What're you doing?
Well, I just sold a pair
of sunglasses on here
and now dieforfash87
is telling me she won't pay
'cause she thinks
they're fake.
Okay.
Um, how about we move away...
No! I don't even wanna sell
these things.
These clothes are all
that I have.
Everything else
has been taken from me.
Well, you have your family.
What's your point?
I am having a very hard time
right now dealing with the idea
that people think that
my things are worthless,
- or funky, or...
- Sorry.
Fake.
Does it look like I shop
on Canal Street?
- No.
- Okay.
People here don't know
anything, okay?
Wayne huffs keyboard cleaner
for a living.
Well, that's not surprising.
You're playing to the wrong crowd.
You have great clothes.
I like some of this stuff.
Like this. Like, I like this.
Ooh! Ooh.
I like this.
This gives me an idea.
So why would I sleep
with my mother?
Well, now that I know
that she's your mother,
that makes a lot
more sense to me.
And do you normally go around
spying on people?
Um, you left me here to be
abducted by long haul truckers.
I just went to find you.
So why are you sneaking around
with your mom anyway?
What's the big secret?
It's my dad.
We don't really get along.
He really takes the whole mayor
tradition in the family thing seriously
and I'm just not that down
into labels, you know?
- "Labels?"
- Yeah.
And you wonder
why I make fun of you.
And you are totally in sync
with your parents?
Um, yeah, because they always
wanted a daughter with a record,
who dropped out
of college, so...
Pretty much delivered
on that one.
Ugh!
Okay, this is gonna
cheer you up.
So I thought you might be
lonely without your clothes.
So if this isn't too dirty for you,
I could help take care of your stuff.
Wait, you wanna have sex
with me?
No. I don't think anybody has sex in
here unless they're being paid for it.
I thought this might be a good
place to store your clothes.
Is this a safe place?
Yes. I'm the only with a key.
But there's a catch.
I get to wear whatever I want,
anytime I want.
Fine.
Wow! Our son's clothes
are no longer in our closet.
Something I said
finally got through.
I just found somewhere
else to put them.
I can't hear you
from in there.
I found
somewhere else to put them!
Well, subconsciously
I got through.
David? Alexis?
Can you come here please?
David? Alexis?
They're not going
to come, dear.
Well, how widespread
is that news?
Talk about salacious!
He cut off his what?
- Wait, what?
- Okay.
How did it happen?
Look, I just... I just wanted to make
sure that, you know, we're all okay.
What were we not okay about?
About your mother and me feeling
disconnected from you two.
We are literally connected
by a door that does not lock.
How much more connected
do you wanna be?
Emma. Your middle name
is Emma.
Is it?
So, we'll keep
working away at this.
- I'm sorry! No, Hannah.
- I'm embarrassed for you.
- Well, that's that then.
- Elspeth.
- No!
- Wow.
I think it's Elspeth.
- It isn't!
- I should know!
Wow.
Can you come here please?
David, can you come
in here please?
What?
Well, come in here
and I'll tell you.
Well, why don't you just
tell me from there?
- David...
- You could've already told me.
I want to speak face to face.
Motels this size,
we're basically always face to face.
In the same room.
Why are you yelling?
I'm right here.
I want you to move
your clothes.
I did.
Out of my closet.
You've got t-shirts on hangers.
I've nowhere to hang my clothes.
Well, put them over
the t-shirts then.
- Moira...
- Alexis!
No, no, it's David I want.
I need to speak
with our daughter.
Good luck.
Oh, my God!
Where did you hear that?
Yeah? What is it?
I need you to fill
this out please.
Fill what out?
Your community service papers.
As our only delinquent,
I hope it's not asking too much.
I still have to do that?
Generally, that's how
it works, honey.
When you break the law,
you've gotta serve your sentence.
Well, it was one DUI.
Please, before I lose my mind.
I don't get it. It's all done.
No, there's still a little bit
that needs to be filled in.
Hmm, all that's missing
is my middle name.
Then fill it in please.
Do I have to do that?
Ugh! Why must you be
so constantly irksome?
Do you not know
my middle name?
Of course I do.
I blessed you with it.
Okay, so, um... Then what name
should I put down then?
Alexis, do as your
mother says, please.
Do you know my middle name?
If I said, "Anna..."
I can't believe this.
Alexis Something Rose.
We have so many disasters
bombarding us right now, my dear.
The middle name of an ungrateful
child is hardly a priority.
Wait. Alexis has
a middle name?
Why is this the first
I'm hearing of this?
Do... Do I have a middle name?
Now you come into the room.
Have we failed them, John?
I'm worried about our children.
Are we terrible parents?
Terrible parents?
We sent them to the best
boarding schools,
we hired the best nannies.
We did everything right.
I mean, they're not
overly affectionate with us
and there's a lot more
disrespect than I'd like,
but, no, we're good parents.
But who are they?
Well, it might be nice to get
to know them better,
I suppose.
Wouldn't it, John?
But who has time
amidst all this chaos?
Hmm. I get it.
So what's your deal?
You're pretty. What's that like?
Um... It's good.
Yeah, lots of doors
open up for pretty people.
Mmm-hmm.
Clearly, as I register
for community service.
So what'd you do?
Um, I drove into
the Prada store
on Rodeo Drive.
In fairness, it did look
a lot like the entrance
to a parking garage.
Uh-huh.
And I was high at the time.
Are you high right now?
No, I'm not.
Well, you might wanna be,
'cause this isn't exactly
thrilling work.
And you won't be gettin'
any chit chat from your buddy.
What buddy?
You're not the only druggy
in town, hon.
Ronnie.
Mmm.
Here's your garbage stick.
You use it to pick up garbage.
And here...
Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you.
That's very sweet.
This isn't Say Yes
to the Dress, princess.
Orange is the new orange.
Okay.
Who needs 14 grey suits?
What am I supposed to do
with my dry clean onlys?
I'm still trying to figure out
why you'd own more
than one piece of clothing
you can't put
in a washing machine.
You try putting a cashmere
sweater in the washing machine.
It'll bite your wrist.
That's a problem
I'd like to have.
Are these all your clothes?
Yeah.
What's this, then?
That's a sweater.
It's one chromosome away
from a crocheted blanket.
What?
It's just your clothes,
they're all kind of funky.
Funky?
Yeah. Funky.
Yeah, no, no. I'm just trying to
figure out what about this...
What about this is funky?
I'm just having
a hard time understanding.
It's just, you know,
like funky. Different.
Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt
you buy at an airport gift shop,
next to a bejewelled
iPhone case.
This... This is luxury.
There's a lot of stuff here.
Have you ever considered
selling some of this?
These are my things.
I've hand-selected each of these things.
They mean a lot to me.
How much do you think
I can get for this?
So you got busted
for selling drugs?
Like hard drugs? Like...
Did you wear a hazmat suit
and work in a trailer?
No. It was just weed
and mushrooms, uppers.
Mostly to truckers
and my high school teachers.
Mmm-hmm.
It's actually pretty clean
around here,
which is shocking considering
the state of our motel room.
Speaking of unfit homes,
why do you live in a barn?
What's wrong with living
in a barn?
Hmm, nothing,
if you're a goat.
Well, it serves its purpose.
It seems to. With the ladies.
That's just a joke.
I'm sorry for walking in on
you and Twyla the other day.
No, it's cool.
So how long have you two
been together?
So, listen, I gotta take off
for a bit.
I got this thing I gotta do.
Can you cover for me?
- Um, I mean...
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Thanks. Sorry.
Excuse me!
What am I supposed to keep doing here?
I feel like we should break
these into categories.
Um...
Fit, fabric,
and nationality.
Or we could do this.
- I... Hmm.
- Keep or sell?
- Well, those are...
- Keep or sell?
- Just keep or sell?
- Sell. Sell them.
I got these at a showroom
in Paris.
I got these on clearance rack
at Target.
- Eight-fifty.
- Eight-fifty what?
- Eight hundred...
- Dollars?
- $850.
- $850?
These are collector's. There's a woman
in Paris that makes them by hand, so...
My car's worth
less than your pants.
Well, I've seen your car
and that makes sense to me.
Okay, then. Right.
We'll try to get $850 dollars for your pants.
Keep or sell?
I don't know.
Ugh! Ugh!
You know, I think the reason
our kids are so casual with us
is because they think of us
as their friends.
Hmm. No.
No, it's obvious.
It's obvious, Moira, right?
Because we're hip parents.
- Oh, John...
- And that comes at a price.
John, we're not hip.
I'm hipper than you,
but in our children's eyes,
we are the polar antonym
of hip.
Well, somehow we've lost touch
with our kids.
We've become
complete strangers.
Hey! Have we decided?
Just coffee, please.
Uh, Twyla, do you get along
with your parents?
I did.
It's a little different now.
My mom has this thing where half the
time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela.
And it's getting harder
and harder
to coordinate visitation times
with my dad in prison.
I'm sorry I asked.
That's okay!
I'll get you your coffees.
Your mother and
I have been talking,
and we've come
to the realisation
that we've not been
very good parents.
Sadly,
and most of the time,
we have no interest
in what's going on with you.
We have no idea what's...
'Cause she means "no idea."
We have lost touch
as a family,
and if we're gonna get
through this ordeal together,
we have got
to get reacquainted.
Now, back at Rose Video,
we had management retreats
where we would play fun
team-building exercises...
You also had company-wide
spa days.
Why don't we try that?
And one of the ice breakers
at these retreats
was a game
that was always a hit.
And it was a game where somebody
would tell a lie about themselves,
and then a truth,
and then another lie,
and everybody would have to
guess which one was the lie.
No, Johnny, they had to guess
which one was the truth.
Hmm. Which one was the lie.
It's just one lie.
- What did I say?
- You said two lies.
- Well, it is two lies.
- No, it's...
No, the game is
"two truths and a lie."
- It's truth. So you've heard of it.
- That's the game.
Well, yeah, because babies play
that at their birthday parties.
Okay, whatever.
It's a good game.
Okay? Now, here's how it goes.
I'll give you an example.
Why don't I start?
Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game.
So... Here's a hint.
Sadly, I'm not drunk.
Okay, wrong attitude.
That's the wrong...
- Right off the top!
- Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn.
Um... Okay. My eyes are brown,
I am basically sample-sized,
and one time I escaped from
a Thai drug lord's car trunk
by bribing him with sex.
Right idea, honey,
but you know what?
It's gotta be more
challenging for everybody...
Her eyes are aqua.
You did what?
I'm kidding.
I clearly would never bribe
anybody with sex.
When were you in Thailand?
I told you
that I was on spring break.
Everyone can just calm down
because Aroon was a lovely gentleman
until he ran out of money.
How many people do you know that
are currently in the prison system?
Is it like 12?
I'm pretty sure just two.
All right, that's enough.
Good game.
Good game, everybody!
Alexis, you're grounded.
No! That was 10 years ago,
and everybody does dumb stuff
in high school.
You were 17?
Did you know this?
As if. I don't do girl talk.
Okay, everybody does
dumb stuff everywhere.
For example, I saw Mutt today,
the guy that lives in the barn,
making out
with the mayor's wife.
- What's-her-face?
- Mmm-hmm.
- And the homeless kid?
- Mmm-hmm.
Guys like that
will bone anything.
Well, not anything.
Stop.
- 'Cause that would mean...
- Stop. Stop.
- That would include...
- Stop it.
- You. Which it doesn't.
- Don't.
Ew!
You know, I remember when Alexis
was just a chubby-faced little girl
racing around the house
in that banned baby walker,
and now she's spending time
in a drug lord's trunk?
Oh, that is my favourite
Liam Neeson movie.
Johnny. Johnny, look
who's come in.
Is it true?
"Politician's neglected wife
sleeps with ranch hand."
- I love it.
- He's not a ranch hand.
He's a vagrant in a barn.
Hi there!
- Moira.
- Jocelyn.
- Johnny, hi.
- Hi.
You look amazing.
Utterly alive.
I don't feel it. My lower back
is completely shot.
Oh, dear. Why would that be?
Age?
Even the slightest twitch
in bed throws it out.
Perhaps a new position
would help?
Would you like to join us?
No, I ate already.
Couldn't put another thing in my mouth.
Well, that's...
Okay. All right then.
Oh, my God.
They sell all kinds of stuff.
- Hey, Wayne.
- Hey, Stevie.
Um, so this
is my friend David.
David Rose. What are your
consignment percentages?
Uh, this is a thrift shop.
Okay. Do you have
sales representative?
Who will be pricing
these items?
Um... Me.
Okay.
Is there a problem, Wayne?
It's just...
I can't really use
any of this.
It's too, you know...
Funky?
Sure. Let's go with that.
Okay, let's take your
oily hands off my clothes.
You sure you can't take
any of this stuff?
Some of this stuff's
pretty good.
Maybe we can use the sneakers.
Maybe the sneakers?
This is French suede,
with a vulcanized-rubber instep, okay?
You've lost my trust
and my business, so...
- We'll be leaving now.
- Sorry.
What is this place?
What is this place?
Ugh!
Ugh!
So, what happened
to you yesterday?
What happened to me?
Yeah, I came back
and you were gone.
Well, I had to do
most of the shift by myself.
So thank God
I had my rape whistle.
Sorry. I had some stuff
I had to take care of.
And did you get your stuff
taken care of?
Yeah, I guess.
'Cause it seems to me like
you get your stuff taken
care of pretty regularly.
By multiple people,
if you know what I mean.
I don't.
Look, I know
you probably think
that you're this handsome man
around town who's like
handsome, mysterious,
and handsome and homeless-y
but you're better than that,
you know?
What?
Like, I don't judge.
Trust me. I have been...
I have been in the middle of
some very messy group scenarios
and I know how weird
it can be, so...
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm just saying that
your secret is safe with me.
Wink.
Let me just say, I get it.
How much can one person take?
Well, maybe this is not
our place, Moira.
And where does all
that pent up energy go?
I should go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where have you been?
I've been looking for you all morning.
Around.
Well,
I tried calling you.
I must have turned
my phone off by mistake.
Joce, did you see him
again today?
See who?
Oh, geez, you know, I told you,
you can see him as much as you want,
just don't keep it
a secret from me, okay?
I wanna know everything
you two are doing.
Look, half the time I'm there,
he doesn't even want me there.
I just can't help myself.
Well, you love him.
Yeah.
I love him too,
but the kid's an idiot.
It's our son, Mutt.
We're talking about our son.
- Yeah. Our son.
- Oh!
You done with that? Got it.
No, I wasn't. I wasn't...
Yeah, he turned into
a real nutbar.
Doesn't drive in cars,
he won't use anything plastic.
Good luck
with birth control, right?
And then we see you with your
kids and you're so together.
What's your secret?
Listening is so
very important.
So important to listen
to your kids.
See, Roland? Listening.
Excuse me,
I listen to the kid.
If he'd listened to me,
he wouldn't be sitting
in a hut making
his own underwear.
The internet is a breeding
ground for freaks.
What're you doing?
Well, I just sold a pair
of sunglasses on here
and now dieforfash87
is telling me she won't pay
'cause she thinks
they're fake.
Okay.
Um, how about we move away...
No! I don't even wanna sell
these things.
These clothes are all
that I have.
Everything else
has been taken from me.
Well, you have your family.
What's your point?
I am having a very hard time
right now dealing with the idea
that people think that
my things are worthless,
- or funky, or...
- Sorry.
Fake.
Does it look like I shop
on Canal Street?
- No.
- Okay.
People here don't know
anything, okay?
Wayne huffs keyboard cleaner
for a living.
Well, that's not surprising.
You're playing to the wrong crowd.
You have great clothes.
I like some of this stuff.
Like this. Like, I like this.
Ooh! Ooh.
I like this.
This gives me an idea.
So why would I sleep
with my mother?
Well, now that I know
that she's your mother,
that makes a lot
more sense to me.
And do you normally go around
spying on people?
Um, you left me here to be
abducted by long haul truckers.
I just went to find you.
So why are you sneaking around
with your mom anyway?
What's the big secret?
It's my dad.
We don't really get along.
He really takes the whole mayor
tradition in the family thing seriously
and I'm just not that down
into labels, you know?
- "Labels?"
- Yeah.
And you wonder
why I make fun of you.
And you are totally in sync
with your parents?
Um, yeah, because they always
wanted a daughter with a record,
who dropped out
of college, so...
Pretty much delivered
on that one.
Ugh!
Okay, this is gonna
cheer you up.
So I thought you might be
lonely without your clothes.
So if this isn't too dirty for you,
I could help take care of your stuff.
Wait, you wanna have sex
with me?
No. I don't think anybody has sex in
here unless they're being paid for it.
I thought this might be a good
place to store your clothes.
Is this a safe place?
Yes. I'm the only with a key.
But there's a catch.
I get to wear whatever I want,
anytime I want.
Fine.
Wow! Our son's clothes
are no longer in our closet.
Something I said
finally got through.
I just found somewhere
else to put them.
I can't hear you
from in there.
I found
somewhere else to put them!
Well, subconsciously
I got through.
David? Alexis?
Can you come here please?
David? Alexis?
They're not going
to come, dear.
Well, how widespread
is that news?
Talk about salacious!
He cut off his what?
- Wait, what?
- Okay.
How did it happen?
Look, I just... I just wanted to make
sure that, you know, we're all okay.
What were we not okay about?
About your mother and me feeling
disconnected from you two.
We are literally connected
by a door that does not lock.
How much more connected
do you wanna be?
Emma. Your middle name
is Emma.
Is it?
So, we'll keep
working away at this.
- I'm sorry! No, Hannah.
- I'm embarrassed for you.
- Well, that's that then.
- Elspeth.
- No!
- Wow.
I think it's Elspeth.
- It isn't!
- I should know!
Wow.