Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Little Sister - full transcript

Moira's sister Deedee visits; David agrees to talk to a student about being different.

Agghhhhhh! (Bleep) me! (Bleep) me!

- What?
- (Bleep) me!

- What?
- John, there's something in the bed!

- What?
- Something crawled up my leg and I can't see it!

- What?
- I can't see it!

- A spider?
- No! Something invisible like...

Lice, or scabies, or... bed bugs!

Oh, we don't have bed bugs.

Oh, John, I can't afford
to burn all my clothes!

Oh, Moira, relax.

Just relax. If we had lice, I'd have lice!

Guess who?


- Hi, Momo.
- What the hell?

Sorry. I know I should've
called, but um... I just thought

it'd be really fun to
come see my older sister

in her... new digs. You
know, a little visit.

Oh. Um... do you really have lice?

I'd hate to contract... lice.

- Synced the_foe for Misia

So, Deedee, you are... looking well.

Seaweed facials. I get one every week.

But enough about me, I
wanna talk about you guys.

Mm. I want you to know that I...

Really wanted to come and visit you

when I heard about your life collapsing,

but I got this really big
job promotion that week

and things got, you know, kinda crazy.

Plus, we haven't really seen
much of each other recently.

Yes, well, we've had kind of a hectic year.

Well, thank goodness for the Internet!

Seemed to be the only thing letting me know

you two were still alive.

Telephone is also amazing!

You just push the buttons and say,

"Hi, it's me, your deadbeat sister."

Well, it's a treat seeing
you two going at it again.


Come in and say hi to your aunt Deedee!

Better hurry before she
disappears for another decade.

Oh! What?

Look at you guys! You've grown!

Why did I think that you were dead?

Ah, you're so sweet.

Now how long has it been
since we've seen each other?

I think you crashed one of my pool parties

with some guy you were
calling "Uncle Julio."

Oh! I remember that.

All right, you guys treat yourself, okay?

Buy yourself something nice.

- A hundred dollars?! Oh my goodness, wow.
- Oh my God! Oh my God,

I missed you! I missed you so much!

I missed you so much!

Oh gosh, look at that. They are sweet kids!

I don't know what you were
so worried about, Moira.

Deedee, what are you doing here?

Are you staying here at the motel?

Can I... get you a room?

No. God no.

No, I mean... no, I... I booked
myself into a junior suite

at the Comfort Inn in Elmdale, thank you.

This is very darling, it's
just it doesn't have a gym

and I'm kind of in the best
shape of my life right now

and I kinda wanna keep it that way.


Okay, so you're saying that I
would be as in shape as you are

if I just fixed lights all day?

Pretty much.

Well... a few pull ups here and there.

Okay, so you do workout.
You are such a liar!

Oh! Wow! Did Stevie say
something funny or... ?

- Grant, this is David Rose.
- Hi.

He's one of our permanent guests here.

Don't say that... again.

Grant does repairs around here.

- Oh, great.
- He was also just trying to tell me

that he got that body
from just being a handyman.

Well, isn't Grant just a big fat liar!

- Um...
- I gotta grab the right marette, so...

My head is all over the place.
She keeps distracting me.

Wow. He is wearing a tight shirt!

So is he gonna do some repairs
on your... on your undies?

Who's to say he hasn't already.

Wow! Great.

Why, is that a problem for you?

No. No. Do you.

Do him. Do both. Do things.

- Great. I think I might.
- Yeah.

Good. Jump in.


We should probably
establish some boundaries

about this whole friends
with benefits thing.

Okay. Yeah. No, let's do that.

Let's, uh, let's put up some boundaries

uh, for the infrequent benefits
that our friendship has.

I think that's really good.

Can we do that after
you screw mister fix-it

or... would you like to do it now?

Let's throw some boundaries up.


Hey, Twyla.



I'm so sorry. I really didn't
think that was gonna hit you.

That's okay. Your mom did the
same thing to me this morning.

- Okay.
- What can I get you guys?

Just coffees. Thanks.

So what's going on over there?

I'm just working on something.
Just a little thing for Mutt.

Oh! Is it his birthday or something?

No. Um, my dad always said,

"When in doubt, say it with a song."

He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac

and that was the last thing
Mick Fleetwood said to him...

Before the band hit him
with a restraining order.

So you're writing a song for Mutt then?

Yeah, I'm trying to.

Cute! So what, is it about...

Your feelings, or is it love and... what?

Are we shooting a Dateline
investigative report?

No... we're not.

I'm just looking out for my friend.

Um... honestly, Twy, ixnay on the ongsay.

Because I tried it once

and the guy ripped the
guitar out of my hands

and he just started
smashing it on the ground.

Granted, I'm tone deaf and he was a...

He was a super angry marine, but...

Just let the girl write
her boyfriend a song!

Okay, I know! And I'm all
for it, I'm all for it.

I just think it's um...

I think it's a super big mistake.


Jocelyn. Hi.

Can I ask you something?

Uh... that depends.

How shall I put this?

You strike me as the sort of person

that had a hard time in high school.

Thank you.

Your floral top, for instance.

Is there something I can help you with?

Well, there's a new kid in my school

and he's having a little
trouble fitting in.


He's also struggling with his sexuality,

which I think that you may be also...

What can I help you with, Jocelyn?

Well, I was thinking,
wouldn't it be wonderful

if you could come down to the school,

you know, maybe talk to him

and tell him that...
things only get better.

The idea of me life
coaching another human being

should scare you. A lot. I don't...

I knew there was a good person
in there somewhere, David.

Oh, and honey, get the quilted;

that other stuff will chafe you right up.

So this is weird.

Um, today marks the longest relationship

that I've ever voluntarily
had with someone.


Yeah. The actual longest
relationship was um...

A three month affair with a Saudi prince,

but for the last two months of that

I was trapped in his palace
trying to get to an embassy.

Um, so... hey. How is it
going with you and Twyla?

You guys are looking cute.

Uh... I don't know.

Why? What's going on?

I dunno. It... it's nothing. It's fine.

Okay, if my boyfriend ever described

our relationship as "fine,"
I think I would literally...

it's just... it feels
like it's run its course.

- What?
- And I think we've both known it for a while now.


Oh, give me a break. How did you find me?

Well, where else is there to go?

And Johnny may have told me.

Thank you, Johnny.

Moira, why are you making
this so difficult for me?

Oh... where do I start?

Um, you know, I think it's
best we don't go there.

No, I'd like to go there. Please, take me.

Fifty thousand dollars.
Does that sound familiar?

- Yes. You gave that to me as a downpayment
- No! Loaned it.

You gave it to me as a down payment

for my buffalonian town house.

We handed you the money and you said... ?

- Thank you?
- Oh, too late.

Well, Moira, considering you had

over 500 million dollars in the bank,

I'm a little personally
offended that I didn't get more.

Go away, Deedee.

No. No. Not until I do
what I came here to do.

Didn't want to hurt your
feelings, but I forgot.

- Don't you dare.
- You don't have feelings.

- Don't you dare.
- Yes, yes. I am paying you back.

It's not everything, but it's a start.

So walk me through this...

She offered you a cheque
and you turned it down?

She was insulting us!

Moira, the woman dates
dive bar owners, okay?

Let her insult us!

Well, I don't know whether you've noticed,

but we could use the money.

You talk about bed bugs?

That check could pay for fumigation.

Better yet, we could move to a place

that doesn't have bed bugs.

I don't want her money. I want our money.

She owes us! We loaned her $50,000 dollars!

We gave her $50,000 dollars,

and you spent more than
that on wigs that year.

I don't see any one else
lining up to give us cheques.

Why are you taking her side?

I'm not taking her side, but
she's offering us a way out

and you're letting your
pride get in the way.

It's all I have left, John, literally.

Swallow it, Moira.

- I can't.
- Yes, you can.

And then we can buy a case of champagne

to wash it down with.

So... you and Grant.

How are things going?

Uh... well, he asked me
out for dinner tonight,

so... we're gonna do that.

We're gonna go for dinner, Grant and I.

Yeah! Yeah, that's...

Well, he seems like a
really like respectable guy.

Like one of those guys that has like a...

Candy bowl of condoms on his
bedside table or something.

Oh, hope so. Wonder what colour I'll get.


So I am mentoring a
teen in crisis... later.

That's what I'm doing.

One of Jocelyn's students, so...

He's being bullied because he's different,

so I'm helping to change his life.

Giving back, so...

- Wow...
- Yeah.

And on a scale of one to ten,

how much are you looking forward to that?

Three point five. I'm gonna leave you be

because it's not everyday
you get to go on a date

with a guy who owns a windowless van, so...

Oh, Grant.


What're you doing? You
checking out porn again?

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go. Um...

Warmest regards to you both.

Best wishes.

Such a weird dude.

Yes. Yes, he is.

You must be Connor.


I don't know how much
Mrs. Schitt has told you,

but she asked me to
come in and have a chat.

She thinks that since
we're both... new here

it might be worth talking about some things

like, you know, fitting in.

Apparently you're having
trouble fitting in.

Who... who... who are... who are you?

Oh, my name is David.

Are you... like a doctor or something?

A psychologist?

Am I what? N-uh, no.

So why would I talk to you?

I don't know. Because
your teacher is concerned

that you're having trouble adjusting.

So she told you to come here
and... and what, help... help me?

Look at you. Look at your pants.

Excuse me! I am sensing a
tinge of disrespect here.

I'll tell you what my problem is.

I'm a 16-year-old gay kid

living in a town that
makes me wanna throw up.

The issue isn't me not fitting in.

It's me not wanting to fit in.

Is there anything else you
wanna, you wanna help me with?


Go ahead and order whatever
you want. This is on us.

Oh. They're letting you
run up a long tab, are they?

You see?

Well, I hear the pork is very good here.

The ribs, the chops, the roast...

Nothing for me, thanks.

Well, isn't that funny. Because
Moira doesn't eat here either.

But I will be eating and I just don't know

whether to have the ribs or the chops,

but I'm definitely ordering pork.

If you mention pork one more time...

Moira, um... don't you have something

you wanna say to your sister?


Oh, I'm pretty sure you do.

I'm pretty sure I don't.

Thank you for trying, Johnny. Truly.

But like I'm just really
uncomfortable right now

with my older sister acting
like a stubborn child.

Okay, why don't we all
take a deep breath here

and try and remember what's
really important, okay?

We are family, and we
have to hang onto that.

And you know as well as I do, Moira,

that in times of crisis,

the one thing we need
to hang onto is family.

Okay, okay.


We appreciate you coming to this town...

And offering whatever
it is you're offering.

Much appreciated. 'Cause seriously,

I thought you were just
coming here to gloat.

No, no, no.

I came here in the spirit
of giving and forgiving.

The... the gloating thing was a bonus.

Moira, go on...

Yes, go on.

We need help. Please help us.

Okay! I will. Hmm?


I'm gonna do this for you, but
mostly, I'm doing it for me.

Why? Because you can't... And I can.


How much are we gonna make this out for?

Oh... sh... I haven't the
foggiest. I couldn't...

I couldn't come up with a number.

I mean, I... whatever you think is fair.

Well, you guys gave me fifty grand, right?

Yes, we gave you fifty
thousand when we had the money.

But I can't... I can't ask
you for fifty thousand dollars.

Whatever you think is
the... Equivalent amount.

Okay, I think I can do you...

A little better than that.


Oh, so... unnecessary,
Deedee, but thank you.

Well, who's up for pork?

Okay... so you're telling me

your girlfriend is on
a date with someone else

and, instead of doing something about it,

you're here talking to me,

a kid who practically
has no respect for you.

Well, first of all, you're a little bitchy.

Second of all, she is not my girlfriend.

She's someone I'm
occasionally having sex with

because we're bored and desperate.

Ah... you're doing a friends with
benefits thing with this girl.

Have you not seen the 42
films they've made about it?

It never works.

Okay, well, movies aren't
always right, all right?

You'll learn that later in life.

I happen to be a little bit
older than you are, so...

- Obviously.
- Okay.

Well, I think we're good here.

You're gonna be okay, right? You're stable?

I have a party later.
Can you buy me some beer?

Uh, no. Can you buy me some beer?!

Hey! Can I grab a glass of water?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.

So how's the uh... song going?

Is that... Is the song still a thing?

Yeah! Do you wanna hear some of it?

Um, I would love to, but
I actually hate music,

so... I don't think I'd
be a very good judge.

- You hate music?
- Mm-hmm...

Are we sure that Mutt likes music?

'Cause I feel like if he didn't
it could be kind of... awkward.

Are you feeling okay?

Um... I just don't think that...
The song thing is a good idea.

For, like, a lot of reasons.

Um... are you sure that
you wanna put yourself

in such a vulnerable situation, Twy?

Are you saying you don't
think Mutt would like it?

I don't know. I mean... I'm not sure.

Maybe, but... I don't... I'm not...

yeah, I'm not sure.

Did you talk to Mutt?
Because I know that...

We've been sort of off for a while.

And I've been just trying to
think of things to make it better

and so I'm... you know, I'm
just trying to make it work.

I think that you should
talk to Mutt before...

Breaking into song.

Thank you, Alexis.

For what?


In all honesty, Mutt
was just a place holder.

According to my tea leaves, the guy
I'm suppose to marry is black, so...


- What and why are we drinking?
- Oh my goodness!

Um, I don't know, and today,
some snippy teen told me

that my life was a mess, so...

And I am now a single person.


So did you spend the night washing
your clothes on Grant's abs?

- You're funny.
- Mm-hmm.

Um, Grant went to the
bathroom and never came back.

- Thank you.
- What?

He w... he went to the
bathroom and never came back?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh...

So either I was stood up
halfway through my date

or Grant has some serious digestive issues.

- Mm.
- Wow. Sounds like a real catch.

So word on teen street
is that our little...

Friends with benefits situation is a...

- Not a good idea?
- Is a bad idea.

And because I don't have
any other friends here,

I can't afford to lose you, so...

I think it's best if we just...

- Friends.
- Friends. Yup.

I think that's best.

Good. This is good.

- That's good, right?
- That's good.

Okay. Well... Warmest wishes to that.

Kindest regards.



- Whoa. Twy...
- Mm...

- That's...
- It's good, right?

My eyes are tearing.

So this is it?

After all that?

And we paid for the dinner!

So we lost money on the whole deal.

I'll tell ya, she's gonna be embarrassed

when this thing gets cashed.

She will be embarrassed. She missed a zero.

Moira, she missed a zero or two.

I... you know what?

I'm gonna call her. I'm
calling her right now,

that... What a cheap-ass amount!

Turn your light off, John.

Your sister is a cheap ass.

Cheap ass.

We're planning a surprise

party for your mother.

Listen to the words
coming out of your mouth.

Then you plan it.


Oh, he snap-diva'd!

Talk to the hand, son,

because the ears are no longer working.

Oh my God.

Okay, that's not at all how that works.

corrected by ChrisKe