Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
Annoyed at Tommy's cynicism at Penny's 'Beyond Gender' art exhibition Magz books herself into a week long residential yoga course. Tommy is instantly jealous of her tutor Toby and goes to bizarre lengths to show his spiritual side - though they prove to be unnecessary,as does his claim that he is dying of cancer since Magz only has eyes for him.
And, how does your
conversation with your anger end?
"Goodbye, Dave. Goodbye, anger.
"I no longer want you in my life
"and I have the
power to make you go.
"So, goodbye, anger."
My anger is saying, "bye, Dave."
Thank you. Feels good, yeah?
-Kind of.
-Yeah. Feels good.
Well done.
What Dave has done, um, is,
by writing a conversation
with his anger,
he's turned his
anger into a person.
And I have to say, if
I was Dave's anger,
I certainly wouldn't be hanging
around after that dressing down.
I'd probably be
shouting, "hey, taxi!"
Uh, Tommy, do you have your
conversation with your anger?
Yeah, I do. Um...
[Clears throat]
"Hello, anger."
"Hello, Tommy. How are you? I was wondering
when you were going to get in touch."
"Yeah. I've been busy."
"Shall we go to the pub?"
"Look, there's something
I've got to tell you.
"It's over."
"How do you mean?
"I thought we were
getting on great."
"No, no, no.
"You were dragging me down."
"Oh.
"Well, you could
have told me before.
"It's the first I've
been aware of it.
"Come on, let's go out and get pissed,
and wake up in someone's garden."
"You just don't get it, do you?"
"You've gone all lah-di-dah-ish.
"You've been hanging out too much
with that wet fart therapist, alistair."
"That wet fart helped me!"
"He's a ponce with shit hair
and a face like the moon."
"He is not a ponce."
"Stop whining!"
"Shut up!" "No, you
shut up!" "No, you!"
"No, you! I want you out!
"By Tuesday.
"I've met someone else."
"Who?"
"He's called positive vibes."
"Oh, yeah? Where
did you meet him?"
"That's not important." "I
said, where did you meet him?"
"Middle street library,
if you must know."
"Oh, is that it then? Is
he your new mate, eh?
"Got his feet under the table,
has he?" "Yeah, he's moving in."
"Is he? Well, I'm
not going anywhere.
"I'm going upstairs
to have a shower."
"No, you're not. You're
gonna get your stuff and go."
"Oh, yeah? Who's going to
make me? You and moonface?"
"His name's alistair!
"And him, me, and positive vibes
"are going to kick you
so hard in the pants,
"you'll be wearing your
fucking arsehole as a necklace!"
And, uh, that's where I fell
asleep because I wrote it in bed.
[Theme music playing]
Can I help you?
Er, gender benders?
-Hidden genders. Yeah.
-Hidden genders, yeah.
-I'm here for, uh, me old lady.
-Old lady?
Yeah, the girlfriend. Partner.
Magz. Margaret neath?
-Oh, is she penny's friend?
-Uh, that's right, yeah.
Told to bring these t-shirts.
Um, they're sort of
gender politics stuff.
Well, we can't show that.
That's totally inappropriate.
I was told, like, men
and women type stuff.
This objectifies women.
He's the one with the
stiletto in his back, you know?
She's definitely in control.
She's the one calling the shots.
-She's half-naked. That's not okay.
-All right, well...
You've got a picture of a black
pregnant woman over there.
She's totally naked.
-Ah, no. That's okay.
-Is it?
What's on the others?
[Stuttering] Don't open
them all, I'll read you the list.
That one's two gay
police officers kissing.
That's okay.
-Uh, then there's...
-Oh, hold on. Are they men or women?
-They're women.
-And what do they look like?
-Er, nice.
-No, that's not okay. Let me see.
These are not okay.
There is one more. It's,
uh... It's a black African leader
with his fist in the air.
That's okay.
It's his wife's
head, it's idi amin.
-Well, then that's not okay.
-No, it's not, is it?
Oh, Tommy, there you
are. Where've you been?
Just, uh, flirting
with mrs Hamas.
-Oh, Izzy?
-Hmm.
Well, look, I'm gonna be here
for at least another hour, so...
Hey, Tommy! Hi. Magz,
hello! Come on over!
-Please don't speak.
-All right.
Just doing a quick
tour of the work, so...
So, here we have a
businessman in his office.
But look very closely and
see if you can see anything.
Well, it's just a
businessman, isn't it?
The carpet. If you look
very closely. You see?
Can you see?
It's made up of thousands
and thousands of African babies.
All: Oh!
-Oh, it's like he's literally walking on African babies.
-Yes.
So, he's like, the west, and the
African babies are, like, Africa.
-That's a very good interpretation. Wonderful.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
-It's really clever.
Oh, she did a Christmas
card series last year and,
oh, it was amazing.
And there was one,
and it was a Christmas
tree and on the top,
instead of a fairy, it
was an African baby.
-Oh.
-That's quite brave.
And she did a nativity scene,
-and instead of the baby Jesus it was an African baby.
-[All gasping]
And, you know, all the wise
men, they were all black.
Oh...
But wasn't one of the
wise men black anyway?
-Yes, but she made all three of them black.
-Right.
-Hmm.
-Makes sense.
Yeah. Oh, and you'll never
guess what the title was.
It was, "I'm dreaming
of a black Christmas."
Right. Really goes for it, doesn't
she? Doesn't mess around.
-Really controversy...
-Absolutely. She's not afraid of that.
Now this... this... [laughs]
This is what's
causing all the fuss.
All: Oh!
The queen never actually
wore a burka though, did she?
No. But that's the point, magz.
Because the artist is challenging us
to ask questions about, um, identity.
Right.
So, she's not using the
brown baby image in this one?
Oh, yes, she is.
You have to look very,
very carefully, but she is.
Can you see it yet?
Can you see it?
It's poking its head
out of her handbag.
All: Ah!
Well spotted, Tommy.
I would never have seen that.
I don't really understand this
one, to be honest with you.
I think this one asks more
questions than it answers.
-Hmm.
-Yeah.
Oh, now, have you heard that the
council have covered up the graffiti
down by the train station?
Oh! That is so short-sighted.
Now, that's the canvas for the people to
exhibit their work who don't have galleries.
Real artists with real lives and they've
got something to say, and they're...
Well, any kind of free
expression, they just stamp on it.
Yeah, yeah. Like, there's a
motorway footbridge near us.
They've painted over
the graffiti on that.
There used to be a lovely
hairy cock and balls on it.
But it's gone now. Yeah.
What a load of
old shite! [Laughs]
Ah...
How do you fancy a
deep pan meat feast?
I am talking about a pizza.
No, thanks.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll just
have some toast.
[Fast-paced music
playing on radio]
-Seen magz anywhere?
-[Turns radio off]
No, she left a note.
What's, uh... What
does that say?
"Dear Tommy, I have gone for a
residential week of hot yoga at chicafe."
Ah, yeah. She told
me about that, yeah.
-"Your constant cynicism and sniping are so negative..."
-[Clanging]
I'll just read the rest of it myself.
I'm over here now, so, that'll be easy.
Yeah.
[Laughing]
That is a good joke. Yeah.
It's a very good joke.
-What's the joke?
-Hmm?
-The joke.
-[Stammering] Um, it... It's...
You wouldn't get it
unless you're over 30.
So, there's no point in
me telling you about it.
Yeah, she's just gone to look for
herself, you know, search for herself.
Because, um...
Yeah, I spent 15
years on the road,
you know, looking for
myself, before I found myself.
Where were you?
Exactly where I left myself.
-Where was that?
-Nottingham. Yeah, uh...
Lying on my parents' sofa, stoned
out of my head, watching bagpuss.
What did you do when
you found yourself?
I just said, "you are a dick.
"And I've had enough." And
Nottingham was doing my head in.
I needed a complete
change of scenery
so, I loaded up the wagon
train, hit the high road
and I just drove.
And I drove, and I drove, and I drove, and
I did not stop until I got to stevenage.
Saxondale: It was a
perfectly harmless comment.
All I said to Tracy Chapman was,
"you could hang a wet
donkey jacket on those."
It was like world war three.
Isn't that magz?
Oh, yeah.
Is that her yoga teacher?
-Yeah, I think so.
-I wonder what they're doing.
-Probably just gone to buy her some yoga mats.
-What, from woolworths?
Yeah, yeah, you can buy loads
of things in woolworths now.
Free your mind, for god's sakes!
-Tommy, babes.
-All right?
Just come for the cheque.
How's magz?
What's she up to these days?
Gone on a yoga retreat.
Oh, I wondered.
'Cause my bezzy mate, jacqs,
reckons she saw her with that bloke,
you know, the one
who does the fat yoga.
It's hot yoga.
That's right. He was stretching her
back out in that ching-Chong hippy cafe.
Chicafe. It's the chicafe.
Those hippy types, you
know, they're all weird.
You know, they wear clothes that don't
fit, they serve up all that farty food.
I bet you can't
stand them, Tommy.
-They're all right.
-I bet you don't take Raymond there for lunch though, eh?
We just have a pie.
Aw. Tommy, it must
be driving you mad
thinking about that yoga
bloke and his tight little buns.
He's only a yoga teacher.
I know, and he's putting
his hands all over her.
He's putting her ankles
up behind her ears, I mean,
you know, really, there is only one
reason you want to learn that, isn't there?
I mean, no offence, Tommy babes,
but magz is never gonna make the
olympic gymnast team, is she? Yeah?
So, what's she going
learning that stuff for?
She's gone to find herself.
She's not exactly hard to
miss, is she, Tommy babes?
[Stuttering]
The point is, there's
no sex going on.
Oh, maybe that's
why she wandered off.
Not between me and her,
between her and him, there's none.
Tommy, darling, don't. Don't
do it. Don't torture yourself.
No, 'cause you paint pictures
in your head, don't you?
"Ooh, you're a bit knotted
there, you're a bit tight down there.
"Let me loosen this
up, stretch that out.
"Open this up, pop your
legs behind your ears again."
Honestly, you know, it makes
my blood boil just thinking about it.
Dirty bastard.
Hey, Tommy.
Just, uh... quick, um...
Hello there, random.
[Laughs] Um...
Eh... that's, uh...
Oh, god!
Sort of late for that.
Hello, Tommy?
[Saxondale laughing]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pack it in, you maniac.
Yeah, just... give us
a sec. Give us a sec.
-Hi.
-Hi, how are you?
Uh, great, yeah. What
are you after? I'm a bit busy.
Oh, I just wanted to...
Hey, you, I've got
to have one night in!
Yeah, hold on a
sec. What was it?
-I just wanted to get a couple of things.
-Yeah, yeah, go right ahead.
Yeah. That's great. Yeah.
No, well, my diary is a bit chock-a-block
at the moment. I'm a bit pushed, but...
I've got the whole
Hawaii trip, yeah.
To Hawaii.
So, if you want to put your
name down for that you better...
[Mobile phone ringing]
Yeah, sorry about that, Brian. I've got
one of those new phones that, um, rings
even when you're on the
phone to someone else.
That's, uh... Yeah,
yeah, technology.
Yeah, all right. Well, pass on my
best wishes to bill, and Ben, and Bob.
And, uh, but not the builder.
-The plumber.
-[Phone beeps]
Yeah, I saw you going into
woolworths the other day with, uh...
That yoga guy.
Oh, yeah. Getting some
stationery with Toby.
I'll tell you, when I
saw him, I just laughed.
[Stuttering] I laughed, laughed
till I pissed myself laughing.
Ask Raymond.
Yeah, if I'd known his name was Toby, I
would have laughed so much I would have
shat myself. Yeah.
Why? Because he's
a spiritual person?
No, because he thinks he's
Gandhi. You know... [Stuttering]
He looks like Gandhi. But if
Gandhi was here, he'd, uh...
He'd just say, uh,
"you're a dick, you, you're
just copying me." Yeah.
-So you're going on holiday to Hawaii then?
-None of your business.
[Laughs] Fair enough.
So what if I am?
-I think it's a really good idea.
-Yeah. Yeah. Deal with it.
Me and a bunch of
nutters on the beach.
And some of our gang will be packing
cheeky little bikinis. Get the picture?
-Are they transvestites?
-No, the women, the women!
-That's the point. There's gonna be women.
-Sorry.
-Hi, magz.
-Oh, hello, Raymond.
There he is, denizen of the
bachelor pad, yeah. The pit of sin.
House of the hell hounds.
[Howling] You do it.
-[Howling meekly]
-Yeah.
Uh, Tommy, we've
run out of toilet paper.
-So, I put the kitchen roll in there for the time being.
-Animal.
But we're gonna
have to go shopping.
Right, well, um,
I'd better get off.
We're not doing any shopping, we'll
be living it up in the hotel California.
And house of the rising sun.
[Door closing]
What about the toilet paper?
There's some wet
wipes under the sink.
There's something
very zen about fishing.
Probably one of
the oldest pastimes,
along with whoring.
-Fighting.
-And fighting.
Whoring, fighting and fishing.
It sounds like Roger
daltrey's life. [Laughs]
Still thinking about magz?
No.
I've moved on.
But, uh, she will be here
in about three minutes.
I've arranged to meet her, to tell
her I've moved on, you know, officially.
-Shall I go and wait in the Van?
-Yeah, probably best.
Chill out in the Van.
There's half a raisin and
biscuit yorkie in the glove box.
It's yours.
Might be a bit warm from
the sun, but, you know...
You can always
take it home and...
Freeze it.
-Hiya.
-Oh, hello.
-How are you?
-All right. Yeah.
Well, I'm good, too, but...
Oh, sorry, how are you?
-Good, thanks, yeah.
-Great.
-What do you want to see me about?
-Oh, just, you know...
Neutral territory.
And, no problems,
only solutions, as, uh,
John Lennon said when
he was shot five times.
Tommy, what are you doing here?
Well, just a spot of fishing.
You don't like fishing.
I've always been interested in
it, yeah, I just never had the time.
Just thought I'd try it to see
if it'd help with the old anger.
[Sighs] Yeah.
I don't suppose you see
many angry fishermen, do you?
[Both laugh]
No, you don't.
I just wanted to say good
luck with all your, um...
The yoga stuff you've been
doing and personal development
and three cheers, and, you
know, you've got my blessing.
Thanks.
Look, I'm just having
a break, that's all.
I just need a bit of space.
Still doing the hot yoga?
Yeah, yeah.
-I've done the massage therapy.
-Ah.
I did a session this
morning, actually, one on one.
Oh. What, with, uh...
-Toby, my instructor.
-Oh...
Does he mash out the fibrous
knots in your lower back?
Tommy...
-With his thumbs, like I used to?
-Tommy, don't do this.
I'm genuinely interested.
Did he use his thumbs? Hmm?
Yes, he did.
He is an amazing man.
I'm genuinely happy things have
worked out so well for both of us.
Hey, maybe you
ought to try hot yoga.
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever do hot yoga!
I will never do hot yoga!
Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever!
Hot yoga! Hot, hot yoga!
Eh... hot... no, never, never!
Alistair: This is a bit of an
unexpected pleasure. Um...
Clients normally do book ahead.
Well, yeah, thanks, alistair,
I was just passing really.
I just thought I'd
pop in and, uh,
ask a couple of questions, uh,
re the old Mars,
Venus, chick v dude rap.
-Is it your office down here?
-Yeah.
Yeah, it's, uh... It's just the
old lady's, you know, gone awol
and I'm at home
on my Jack Jones,
giving it the
thousand-yard stare, so...
You know, just wondering if you had any
off-the-shelf coping mechanisms, 'cause,
I'm a wee bit sad.
Right, I'm a bit busy at the moment.
When did you want to see me?
Now. That would be fine.
I've got a compulsive liar coming in
at 3:00, but he probably won't turn up.
Tell you what, let me
ask you a question.
On a scale of one to 10, how happy
are you right now if 10 is the happiest?
[Exhales]
-Can I have fractions?
-No.
[Exhales]
One.
One...
One.
-Okay. Why don't you come in?
-Yeah, sure.
It shouldn't take too long. I wasn't
kissed in the vestry by father o'fiddle.
He just used to tousle my hair.
Uh-huh...
Yeah. Nice one. Yeah.
That was full tilt, balls out
stuff, that... yeah. [Sniffling]
Um...
Nah, it's been... it's uh...
It's been a long time
since I hugged a man.
Well, I won't tell anyone.
Thank you.
No, I mean, I couldn't.
It's confidential.
Good. Yeah.
I think the last time I hugged a
man, it was Princess Diana's funeral.
Spanish bloke, he
was here on holiday.
But, you know, he'll
be miles away now.
Well, you can, uh... You can
stop thinking about magz now.
Yeah, I can't. She's
in there. She's in there.
Well, hopefully we
sorted out what's in there.
And now, you can
work on what's in there.
No, I actually
feel really positive.
-Yeah, I can tell.
-Can you?
Yes, I think people know when
someone's changed. They...
Look different.
Ah. Yeah, they do, don't they?
-Afternoon.
-Hi.
I, uh, ordered a book, uh,
shamanic spirit, by Kenneth meadows.
Oh, yeah, that
one's just come in.
Here we are.
-Are you Tommy? Yeah.
-That's right, yeah.
I'm Toby.
Yeah, what, the yoga guy?
-Magz told me about you.
-Oh, yeah?
We have people who come here
interested in native American wisdom,
but most just come for the
yoga and the organic food.
Yeah, well they're spiritual
day-trippers, aren't they?
They haven't got the gonads.
No, I'm out there every day, tracking
the stink of self-improvement, yeah.
Living in my tepee.
-Wow, you live in a tepee?
-I don't live in tepee, no.
I live in a thornfield
detached new home.
Yeah, but it's...
It's a mental tepee.
No, we don't get much call
for the native American stuff.
Well, that's 'cause
most people think it's all...
[Imitates
stereotypical battle cry]
And, you know,
dancing with wolves.
But, um, there's a
lot more to it than that.
This is supposed to have a cd of
shamanic drumming. It's not here.
Oh, yes, it is. I
made a mistake.
Have you ever
read Alberto villoldo.
Yeah, dance of the four winds?
Excellent book.
Very chi. Challenging.
Amazing. It's so uplifting.
Did you like his other
book, shaman healer sage?
No, I thought that one
was shit. Is magz here?
She should be around.
You know, magz is
really enjoying her yoga.
She's got such a
deep spiritual potential.
Yeah.
You like big girls too, do you?
Magz: Tommy!
-Hello.
-Good to see you.
Yeah, and you, yeah.
-What are you doing?
-I'm sat in on a class.
Yeah.
What are you wearing?
Eh? Oh, this.
Nah, it's just a...
Just a native American
buffalo hide with fringing
you know, based on the
one worn by crazy horse.
The trousers are based on the
ones worn by avenging hawk.
And the boots?
Uh, Russell and
bromley. Reduced.
-Well, you look nice. It suits you.
-Yeah?
I know. Magz... Magz, I've changed
so much. Honestly, I've really...
I've completely... I've just...
You see the jacket from the outside,
you know, and the dream catcher
you know, which is
a bit of a nightmare.
But, I've changed
on the inside as well.
What's brought this on then?
Well, I've been buying these
books on native American wisdom.
-This is the fourth one.
-All right.
I've also been thinking very
seriously about going to Africa
-to dig Wells for starving children.
-Oh.
Well, thirsty children.
Yeah, which bit of Africa?
Any at all. They're always
wanting Wells, that lot.
Tommy, this all sounds quite
interesting in a way, I suppose, but...
I'm worried about you.
No need to worry.
No need. I just...
I'm not cynical any more. Just
not. It just stopped. Weird! Just...
I was walking down the precinct
today, I saw a mime artist...
-You hate mime artists.
-The old me, yes!
But today, I saw a mime
artist for the first time.
Magz, I put 10 pence
in his imaginary cap!
-Tommy!
-I was... I was like...
"Can somebody help this guy,
'cause as far as I'm concerned
"he is trapped
inside a glass box?"
Because I allowed
myself to believe.
Look, I've got to go.
Yeah, can I just read
you a quick passage
-from shamanic spirit?
-No, I'm late for my next session.
-Please. It will only take a second.
-No, Toby's waiting for me.
You liar!
You're not interested in
native American wisdom.
-I never said I was!
-Yes, you did.
Thirty seconds ago you said it sounded
quite interesting, in a way, you supposed.
Look, Toby is waiting for me.
Oh, don't give me
that. I feel sorry for you.
You're cruel and you're
heartless and you're...
You're twisted and you're evil
and I want you back.
[Sighs] I've got to go.
I dressed up like
poca-fucking-hontas for you!
[Door slamming]
I got here as soon as I could.
-What is it? What's happened to you?
-Oh...
Don't bother with me, silly.
-You... you've got the whole of your life ahead of you.
-What?
Tommy, it's the doctor. He's not
sure what it is but he's gonna call back.
Thanks, kid.
The doctor! What's
happened with the doctor?
He just mentioned something
about a shadow. [Coughing]
What shadow? On the
lung? Where? What?
-He just said "shadow."
-Yeah, but when he said "shadow" what did he mean?
Where did he see the shadow?
He might've been talking about the
shadow of a cat walking past the window.
-I just heard the word "shadow" and I panicked.
-Right, okay, well.
I'm gonna phone him. Tommy,
I need the number of the doctor.
Tommy...
Tommy?
Oh, my god!
Tommy, no.
No, please.
-Tommy!
-Sorry, I was miles away.
Oh, don't do that!
I'm not doing anything, I
was just thinking about stuff.
Why don't you go back to Toby.
I can't make you all
bendy like he does.
[Sighs] Yeah, well...
I wanted to talk to you
about all that. [Sighs]
The other night we were doing
this deep psychic cleansing.
You know, with
chanting and that...
And I just thought,
"oh, bugger this!
"I wanna listen
to a bit of rush."
So, I put on caress of steel,
the necromancer, part
III, return of the prince.
And I was thinking about that
time we broke down in maenclochog.
When the rac man arrived, he
found me giving you a hand...
Shh...
You had me at caress of steel, the
necromancer, part III, return of the prince.
Oh, Tommy.
Uh...
What's this?
Big titsmagazine.
You're telling me you're dying and
you're looking at big titsmagazine.
You are so cold.
Those could be the
last pair I ever see.
I tried to sellotape your
face on to the top of them
but I couldn't get
the scale right.
You were either fat-headed or
pin-headed. It put me off... oh!
Right.
If we're gonna make this work, then
you have to give me some straight answers
-to some straight questions, okay?
-Yep.
-Is there anything wrong with your health?
-Uh... no.
-Will you stop embarrassing me in public?
-Yep.
-Will you be nice to my friends?
-Yep. [Sniffing]
Including penny?
You know, the cherokee
Indians have a wonderful phrase,
"slow down you move too fast,
got to make the morning last."
That's Simon and Garfunkel.
I think the cherokee Indians were around
a little bit before Simon and Garfunkel.
Tommy, it's the
doctor again, uh...
-It's definitely cancer.
-Cheers.
Yeah.
He's been an absolute
rock through all of this. Hmm.
-Has he?
-Yeah.
conversation with your anger end?
"Goodbye, Dave. Goodbye, anger.
"I no longer want you in my life
"and I have the
power to make you go.
"So, goodbye, anger."
My anger is saying, "bye, Dave."
Thank you. Feels good, yeah?
-Kind of.
-Yeah. Feels good.
Well done.
What Dave has done, um, is,
by writing a conversation
with his anger,
he's turned his
anger into a person.
And I have to say, if
I was Dave's anger,
I certainly wouldn't be hanging
around after that dressing down.
I'd probably be
shouting, "hey, taxi!"
Uh, Tommy, do you have your
conversation with your anger?
Yeah, I do. Um...
[Clears throat]
"Hello, anger."
"Hello, Tommy. How are you? I was wondering
when you were going to get in touch."
"Yeah. I've been busy."
"Shall we go to the pub?"
"Look, there's something
I've got to tell you.
"It's over."
"How do you mean?
"I thought we were
getting on great."
"No, no, no.
"You were dragging me down."
"Oh.
"Well, you could
have told me before.
"It's the first I've
been aware of it.
"Come on, let's go out and get pissed,
and wake up in someone's garden."
"You just don't get it, do you?"
"You've gone all lah-di-dah-ish.
"You've been hanging out too much
with that wet fart therapist, alistair."
"That wet fart helped me!"
"He's a ponce with shit hair
and a face like the moon."
"He is not a ponce."
"Stop whining!"
"Shut up!" "No, you
shut up!" "No, you!"
"No, you! I want you out!
"By Tuesday.
"I've met someone else."
"Who?"
"He's called positive vibes."
"Oh, yeah? Where
did you meet him?"
"That's not important." "I
said, where did you meet him?"
"Middle street library,
if you must know."
"Oh, is that it then? Is
he your new mate, eh?
"Got his feet under the table,
has he?" "Yeah, he's moving in."
"Is he? Well, I'm
not going anywhere.
"I'm going upstairs
to have a shower."
"No, you're not. You're
gonna get your stuff and go."
"Oh, yeah? Who's going to
make me? You and moonface?"
"His name's alistair!
"And him, me, and positive vibes
"are going to kick you
so hard in the pants,
"you'll be wearing your
fucking arsehole as a necklace!"
And, uh, that's where I fell
asleep because I wrote it in bed.
[Theme music playing]
Can I help you?
Er, gender benders?
-Hidden genders. Yeah.
-Hidden genders, yeah.
-I'm here for, uh, me old lady.
-Old lady?
Yeah, the girlfriend. Partner.
Magz. Margaret neath?
-Oh, is she penny's friend?
-Uh, that's right, yeah.
Told to bring these t-shirts.
Um, they're sort of
gender politics stuff.
Well, we can't show that.
That's totally inappropriate.
I was told, like, men
and women type stuff.
This objectifies women.
He's the one with the
stiletto in his back, you know?
She's definitely in control.
She's the one calling the shots.
-She's half-naked. That's not okay.
-All right, well...
You've got a picture of a black
pregnant woman over there.
She's totally naked.
-Ah, no. That's okay.
-Is it?
What's on the others?
[Stuttering] Don't open
them all, I'll read you the list.
That one's two gay
police officers kissing.
That's okay.
-Uh, then there's...
-Oh, hold on. Are they men or women?
-They're women.
-And what do they look like?
-Er, nice.
-No, that's not okay. Let me see.
These are not okay.
There is one more. It's,
uh... It's a black African leader
with his fist in the air.
That's okay.
It's his wife's
head, it's idi amin.
-Well, then that's not okay.
-No, it's not, is it?
Oh, Tommy, there you
are. Where've you been?
Just, uh, flirting
with mrs Hamas.
-Oh, Izzy?
-Hmm.
Well, look, I'm gonna be here
for at least another hour, so...
Hey, Tommy! Hi. Magz,
hello! Come on over!
-Please don't speak.
-All right.
Just doing a quick
tour of the work, so...
So, here we have a
businessman in his office.
But look very closely and
see if you can see anything.
Well, it's just a
businessman, isn't it?
The carpet. If you look
very closely. You see?
Can you see?
It's made up of thousands
and thousands of African babies.
All: Oh!
-Oh, it's like he's literally walking on African babies.
-Yes.
So, he's like, the west, and the
African babies are, like, Africa.
-That's a very good interpretation. Wonderful.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
-It's really clever.
Oh, she did a Christmas
card series last year and,
oh, it was amazing.
And there was one,
and it was a Christmas
tree and on the top,
instead of a fairy, it
was an African baby.
-Oh.
-That's quite brave.
And she did a nativity scene,
-and instead of the baby Jesus it was an African baby.
-[All gasping]
And, you know, all the wise
men, they were all black.
Oh...
But wasn't one of the
wise men black anyway?
-Yes, but she made all three of them black.
-Right.
-Hmm.
-Makes sense.
Yeah. Oh, and you'll never
guess what the title was.
It was, "I'm dreaming
of a black Christmas."
Right. Really goes for it, doesn't
she? Doesn't mess around.
-Really controversy...
-Absolutely. She's not afraid of that.
Now this... this... [laughs]
This is what's
causing all the fuss.
All: Oh!
The queen never actually
wore a burka though, did she?
No. But that's the point, magz.
Because the artist is challenging us
to ask questions about, um, identity.
Right.
So, she's not using the
brown baby image in this one?
Oh, yes, she is.
You have to look very,
very carefully, but she is.
Can you see it yet?
Can you see it?
It's poking its head
out of her handbag.
All: Ah!
Well spotted, Tommy.
I would never have seen that.
I don't really understand this
one, to be honest with you.
I think this one asks more
questions than it answers.
-Hmm.
-Yeah.
Oh, now, have you heard that the
council have covered up the graffiti
down by the train station?
Oh! That is so short-sighted.
Now, that's the canvas for the people to
exhibit their work who don't have galleries.
Real artists with real lives and they've
got something to say, and they're...
Well, any kind of free
expression, they just stamp on it.
Yeah, yeah. Like, there's a
motorway footbridge near us.
They've painted over
the graffiti on that.
There used to be a lovely
hairy cock and balls on it.
But it's gone now. Yeah.
What a load of
old shite! [Laughs]
Ah...
How do you fancy a
deep pan meat feast?
I am talking about a pizza.
No, thanks.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll just
have some toast.
[Fast-paced music
playing on radio]
-Seen magz anywhere?
-[Turns radio off]
No, she left a note.
What's, uh... What
does that say?
"Dear Tommy, I have gone for a
residential week of hot yoga at chicafe."
Ah, yeah. She told
me about that, yeah.
-"Your constant cynicism and sniping are so negative..."
-[Clanging]
I'll just read the rest of it myself.
I'm over here now, so, that'll be easy.
Yeah.
[Laughing]
That is a good joke. Yeah.
It's a very good joke.
-What's the joke?
-Hmm?
-The joke.
-[Stammering] Um, it... It's...
You wouldn't get it
unless you're over 30.
So, there's no point in
me telling you about it.
Yeah, she's just gone to look for
herself, you know, search for herself.
Because, um...
Yeah, I spent 15
years on the road,
you know, looking for
myself, before I found myself.
Where were you?
Exactly where I left myself.
-Where was that?
-Nottingham. Yeah, uh...
Lying on my parents' sofa, stoned
out of my head, watching bagpuss.
What did you do when
you found yourself?
I just said, "you are a dick.
"And I've had enough." And
Nottingham was doing my head in.
I needed a complete
change of scenery
so, I loaded up the wagon
train, hit the high road
and I just drove.
And I drove, and I drove, and I drove, and
I did not stop until I got to stevenage.
Saxondale: It was a
perfectly harmless comment.
All I said to Tracy Chapman was,
"you could hang a wet
donkey jacket on those."
It was like world war three.
Isn't that magz?
Oh, yeah.
Is that her yoga teacher?
-Yeah, I think so.
-I wonder what they're doing.
-Probably just gone to buy her some yoga mats.
-What, from woolworths?
Yeah, yeah, you can buy loads
of things in woolworths now.
Free your mind, for god's sakes!
-Tommy, babes.
-All right?
Just come for the cheque.
How's magz?
What's she up to these days?
Gone on a yoga retreat.
Oh, I wondered.
'Cause my bezzy mate, jacqs,
reckons she saw her with that bloke,
you know, the one
who does the fat yoga.
It's hot yoga.
That's right. He was stretching her
back out in that ching-Chong hippy cafe.
Chicafe. It's the chicafe.
Those hippy types, you
know, they're all weird.
You know, they wear clothes that don't
fit, they serve up all that farty food.
I bet you can't
stand them, Tommy.
-They're all right.
-I bet you don't take Raymond there for lunch though, eh?
We just have a pie.
Aw. Tommy, it must
be driving you mad
thinking about that yoga
bloke and his tight little buns.
He's only a yoga teacher.
I know, and he's putting
his hands all over her.
He's putting her ankles
up behind her ears, I mean,
you know, really, there is only one
reason you want to learn that, isn't there?
I mean, no offence, Tommy babes,
but magz is never gonna make the
olympic gymnast team, is she? Yeah?
So, what's she going
learning that stuff for?
She's gone to find herself.
She's not exactly hard to
miss, is she, Tommy babes?
[Stuttering]
The point is, there's
no sex going on.
Oh, maybe that's
why she wandered off.
Not between me and her,
between her and him, there's none.
Tommy, darling, don't. Don't
do it. Don't torture yourself.
No, 'cause you paint pictures
in your head, don't you?
"Ooh, you're a bit knotted
there, you're a bit tight down there.
"Let me loosen this
up, stretch that out.
"Open this up, pop your
legs behind your ears again."
Honestly, you know, it makes
my blood boil just thinking about it.
Dirty bastard.
Hey, Tommy.
Just, uh... quick, um...
Hello there, random.
[Laughs] Um...
Eh... that's, uh...
Oh, god!
Sort of late for that.
Hello, Tommy?
[Saxondale laughing]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pack it in, you maniac.
Yeah, just... give us
a sec. Give us a sec.
-Hi.
-Hi, how are you?
Uh, great, yeah. What
are you after? I'm a bit busy.
Oh, I just wanted to...
Hey, you, I've got
to have one night in!
Yeah, hold on a
sec. What was it?
-I just wanted to get a couple of things.
-Yeah, yeah, go right ahead.
Yeah. That's great. Yeah.
No, well, my diary is a bit chock-a-block
at the moment. I'm a bit pushed, but...
I've got the whole
Hawaii trip, yeah.
To Hawaii.
So, if you want to put your
name down for that you better...
[Mobile phone ringing]
Yeah, sorry about that, Brian. I've got
one of those new phones that, um, rings
even when you're on the
phone to someone else.
That's, uh... Yeah,
yeah, technology.
Yeah, all right. Well, pass on my
best wishes to bill, and Ben, and Bob.
And, uh, but not the builder.
-The plumber.
-[Phone beeps]
Yeah, I saw you going into
woolworths the other day with, uh...
That yoga guy.
Oh, yeah. Getting some
stationery with Toby.
I'll tell you, when I
saw him, I just laughed.
[Stuttering] I laughed, laughed
till I pissed myself laughing.
Ask Raymond.
Yeah, if I'd known his name was Toby, I
would have laughed so much I would have
shat myself. Yeah.
Why? Because he's
a spiritual person?
No, because he thinks he's
Gandhi. You know... [Stuttering]
He looks like Gandhi. But if
Gandhi was here, he'd, uh...
He'd just say, uh,
"you're a dick, you, you're
just copying me." Yeah.
-So you're going on holiday to Hawaii then?
-None of your business.
[Laughs] Fair enough.
So what if I am?
-I think it's a really good idea.
-Yeah. Yeah. Deal with it.
Me and a bunch of
nutters on the beach.
And some of our gang will be packing
cheeky little bikinis. Get the picture?
-Are they transvestites?
-No, the women, the women!
-That's the point. There's gonna be women.
-Sorry.
-Hi, magz.
-Oh, hello, Raymond.
There he is, denizen of the
bachelor pad, yeah. The pit of sin.
House of the hell hounds.
[Howling] You do it.
-[Howling meekly]
-Yeah.
Uh, Tommy, we've
run out of toilet paper.
-So, I put the kitchen roll in there for the time being.
-Animal.
But we're gonna
have to go shopping.
Right, well, um,
I'd better get off.
We're not doing any shopping, we'll
be living it up in the hotel California.
And house of the rising sun.
[Door closing]
What about the toilet paper?
There's some wet
wipes under the sink.
There's something
very zen about fishing.
Probably one of
the oldest pastimes,
along with whoring.
-Fighting.
-And fighting.
Whoring, fighting and fishing.
It sounds like Roger
daltrey's life. [Laughs]
Still thinking about magz?
No.
I've moved on.
But, uh, she will be here
in about three minutes.
I've arranged to meet her, to tell
her I've moved on, you know, officially.
-Shall I go and wait in the Van?
-Yeah, probably best.
Chill out in the Van.
There's half a raisin and
biscuit yorkie in the glove box.
It's yours.
Might be a bit warm from
the sun, but, you know...
You can always
take it home and...
Freeze it.
-Hiya.
-Oh, hello.
-How are you?
-All right. Yeah.
Well, I'm good, too, but...
Oh, sorry, how are you?
-Good, thanks, yeah.
-Great.
-What do you want to see me about?
-Oh, just, you know...
Neutral territory.
And, no problems,
only solutions, as, uh,
John Lennon said when
he was shot five times.
Tommy, what are you doing here?
Well, just a spot of fishing.
You don't like fishing.
I've always been interested in
it, yeah, I just never had the time.
Just thought I'd try it to see
if it'd help with the old anger.
[Sighs] Yeah.
I don't suppose you see
many angry fishermen, do you?
[Both laugh]
No, you don't.
I just wanted to say good
luck with all your, um...
The yoga stuff you've been
doing and personal development
and three cheers, and, you
know, you've got my blessing.
Thanks.
Look, I'm just having
a break, that's all.
I just need a bit of space.
Still doing the hot yoga?
Yeah, yeah.
-I've done the massage therapy.
-Ah.
I did a session this
morning, actually, one on one.
Oh. What, with, uh...
-Toby, my instructor.
-Oh...
Does he mash out the fibrous
knots in your lower back?
Tommy...
-With his thumbs, like I used to?
-Tommy, don't do this.
I'm genuinely interested.
Did he use his thumbs? Hmm?
Yes, he did.
He is an amazing man.
I'm genuinely happy things have
worked out so well for both of us.
Hey, maybe you
ought to try hot yoga.
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever do hot yoga!
I will never do hot yoga!
Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever!
Hot yoga! Hot, hot yoga!
Eh... hot... no, never, never!
Alistair: This is a bit of an
unexpected pleasure. Um...
Clients normally do book ahead.
Well, yeah, thanks, alistair,
I was just passing really.
I just thought I'd
pop in and, uh,
ask a couple of questions, uh,
re the old Mars,
Venus, chick v dude rap.
-Is it your office down here?
-Yeah.
Yeah, it's, uh... It's just the
old lady's, you know, gone awol
and I'm at home
on my Jack Jones,
giving it the
thousand-yard stare, so...
You know, just wondering if you had any
off-the-shelf coping mechanisms, 'cause,
I'm a wee bit sad.
Right, I'm a bit busy at the moment.
When did you want to see me?
Now. That would be fine.
I've got a compulsive liar coming in
at 3:00, but he probably won't turn up.
Tell you what, let me
ask you a question.
On a scale of one to 10, how happy
are you right now if 10 is the happiest?
[Exhales]
-Can I have fractions?
-No.
[Exhales]
One.
One...
One.
-Okay. Why don't you come in?
-Yeah, sure.
It shouldn't take too long. I wasn't
kissed in the vestry by father o'fiddle.
He just used to tousle my hair.
Uh-huh...
Yeah. Nice one. Yeah.
That was full tilt, balls out
stuff, that... yeah. [Sniffling]
Um...
Nah, it's been... it's uh...
It's been a long time
since I hugged a man.
Well, I won't tell anyone.
Thank you.
No, I mean, I couldn't.
It's confidential.
Good. Yeah.
I think the last time I hugged a
man, it was Princess Diana's funeral.
Spanish bloke, he
was here on holiday.
But, you know, he'll
be miles away now.
Well, you can, uh... You can
stop thinking about magz now.
Yeah, I can't. She's
in there. She's in there.
Well, hopefully we
sorted out what's in there.
And now, you can
work on what's in there.
No, I actually
feel really positive.
-Yeah, I can tell.
-Can you?
Yes, I think people know when
someone's changed. They...
Look different.
Ah. Yeah, they do, don't they?
-Afternoon.
-Hi.
I, uh, ordered a book, uh,
shamanic spirit, by Kenneth meadows.
Oh, yeah, that
one's just come in.
Here we are.
-Are you Tommy? Yeah.
-That's right, yeah.
I'm Toby.
Yeah, what, the yoga guy?
-Magz told me about you.
-Oh, yeah?
We have people who come here
interested in native American wisdom,
but most just come for the
yoga and the organic food.
Yeah, well they're spiritual
day-trippers, aren't they?
They haven't got the gonads.
No, I'm out there every day, tracking
the stink of self-improvement, yeah.
Living in my tepee.
-Wow, you live in a tepee?
-I don't live in tepee, no.
I live in a thornfield
detached new home.
Yeah, but it's...
It's a mental tepee.
No, we don't get much call
for the native American stuff.
Well, that's 'cause
most people think it's all...
[Imitates
stereotypical battle cry]
And, you know,
dancing with wolves.
But, um, there's a
lot more to it than that.
This is supposed to have a cd of
shamanic drumming. It's not here.
Oh, yes, it is. I
made a mistake.
Have you ever
read Alberto villoldo.
Yeah, dance of the four winds?
Excellent book.
Very chi. Challenging.
Amazing. It's so uplifting.
Did you like his other
book, shaman healer sage?
No, I thought that one
was shit. Is magz here?
She should be around.
You know, magz is
really enjoying her yoga.
She's got such a
deep spiritual potential.
Yeah.
You like big girls too, do you?
Magz: Tommy!
-Hello.
-Good to see you.
Yeah, and you, yeah.
-What are you doing?
-I'm sat in on a class.
Yeah.
What are you wearing?
Eh? Oh, this.
Nah, it's just a...
Just a native American
buffalo hide with fringing
you know, based on the
one worn by crazy horse.
The trousers are based on the
ones worn by avenging hawk.
And the boots?
Uh, Russell and
bromley. Reduced.
-Well, you look nice. It suits you.
-Yeah?
I know. Magz... Magz, I've changed
so much. Honestly, I've really...
I've completely... I've just...
You see the jacket from the outside,
you know, and the dream catcher
you know, which is
a bit of a nightmare.
But, I've changed
on the inside as well.
What's brought this on then?
Well, I've been buying these
books on native American wisdom.
-This is the fourth one.
-All right.
I've also been thinking very
seriously about going to Africa
-to dig Wells for starving children.
-Oh.
Well, thirsty children.
Yeah, which bit of Africa?
Any at all. They're always
wanting Wells, that lot.
Tommy, this all sounds quite
interesting in a way, I suppose, but...
I'm worried about you.
No need to worry.
No need. I just...
I'm not cynical any more. Just
not. It just stopped. Weird! Just...
I was walking down the precinct
today, I saw a mime artist...
-You hate mime artists.
-The old me, yes!
But today, I saw a mime
artist for the first time.
Magz, I put 10 pence
in his imaginary cap!
-Tommy!
-I was... I was like...
"Can somebody help this guy,
'cause as far as I'm concerned
"he is trapped
inside a glass box?"
Because I allowed
myself to believe.
Look, I've got to go.
Yeah, can I just read
you a quick passage
-from shamanic spirit?
-No, I'm late for my next session.
-Please. It will only take a second.
-No, Toby's waiting for me.
You liar!
You're not interested in
native American wisdom.
-I never said I was!
-Yes, you did.
Thirty seconds ago you said it sounded
quite interesting, in a way, you supposed.
Look, Toby is waiting for me.
Oh, don't give me
that. I feel sorry for you.
You're cruel and you're
heartless and you're...
You're twisted and you're evil
and I want you back.
[Sighs] I've got to go.
I dressed up like
poca-fucking-hontas for you!
[Door slamming]
I got here as soon as I could.
-What is it? What's happened to you?
-Oh...
Don't bother with me, silly.
-You... you've got the whole of your life ahead of you.
-What?
Tommy, it's the doctor. He's not
sure what it is but he's gonna call back.
Thanks, kid.
The doctor! What's
happened with the doctor?
He just mentioned something
about a shadow. [Coughing]
What shadow? On the
lung? Where? What?
-He just said "shadow."
-Yeah, but when he said "shadow" what did he mean?
Where did he see the shadow?
He might've been talking about the
shadow of a cat walking past the window.
-I just heard the word "shadow" and I panicked.
-Right, okay, well.
I'm gonna phone him. Tommy,
I need the number of the doctor.
Tommy...
Tommy?
Oh, my god!
Tommy, no.
No, please.
-Tommy!
-Sorry, I was miles away.
Oh, don't do that!
I'm not doing anything, I
was just thinking about stuff.
Why don't you go back to Toby.
I can't make you all
bendy like he does.
[Sighs] Yeah, well...
I wanted to talk to you
about all that. [Sighs]
The other night we were doing
this deep psychic cleansing.
You know, with
chanting and that...
And I just thought,
"oh, bugger this!
"I wanna listen
to a bit of rush."
So, I put on caress of steel,
the necromancer, part
III, return of the prince.
And I was thinking about that
time we broke down in maenclochog.
When the rac man arrived, he
found me giving you a hand...
Shh...
You had me at caress of steel, the
necromancer, part III, return of the prince.
Oh, Tommy.
Uh...
What's this?
Big titsmagazine.
You're telling me you're dying and
you're looking at big titsmagazine.
You are so cold.
Those could be the
last pair I ever see.
I tried to sellotape your
face on to the top of them
but I couldn't get
the scale right.
You were either fat-headed or
pin-headed. It put me off... oh!
Right.
If we're gonna make this work, then
you have to give me some straight answers
-to some straight questions, okay?
-Yep.
-Is there anything wrong with your health?
-Uh... no.
-Will you stop embarrassing me in public?
-Yep.
-Will you be nice to my friends?
-Yep. [Sniffing]
Including penny?
You know, the cherokee
Indians have a wonderful phrase,
"slow down you move too fast,
got to make the morning last."
That's Simon and Garfunkel.
I think the cherokee Indians were around
a little bit before Simon and Garfunkel.
Tommy, it's the
doctor again, uh...
-It's definitely cancer.
-Cheers.
Yeah.
He's been an absolute
rock through all of this. Hmm.
-Has he?
-Yeah.