Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

I'd go further. I'd say that all men
have a percentage of themselves

which is homosexual.

I'm... I don't know...

two, 3%. Alastair, you
must be, what? Five, six?

Six and a half.

Even big Don, I
imagine, has got a small...

No? Less than 1%?

Zero? Zero. All right.

The point is... You
know... We've moved on,

and you don't have to be homo to be in
touch with your feminine side, as you said.

I, for example, in high
summer, will use a moisturiser.



Bronze guard, it's a kind
used by Canadian fishermen.

You know, that
doesn't make me a...

You know, a "Woolly woofter",

because we're all
a lot more mature.

That's right, Tommy, yes,
and interestingly, gay men

are more in touch with their femininity,
they're more open emotionally.

And therefore less prone to the
pressure cooker of macho behaviour

that can lead to male anger.

So, y'know... Three
cheers for the gays.

Absolutely, I love them.

I... I like them.

You know, when I was a kid,
we had a local homosexual,

who was a real
colourful character.

Peter pansy, we
used to call him.



Never had any bother.

He'd get the occasional, very
occasional brick through the window,

but you know, apart from that, he'd just
sort of swan around, happy as you please.

And people would say, "Hello,
Peter, how are your pansies?"

and he'd say, "They're
bloomin' queer."

you know, smashing, really.

Never any nonsense from him,
you know, good as gold. Yeah.

You don't really see full-on
benders like that these days, do you?

[Theme music playing]

I am not calling you
a Nazi, necessarily.

And I know what you're thinking.

You see the hair past the
collar, the wrangler pro rodeos,

the green flash pumps,
and you think trouble.

You haven't a valid ticket, and as
such, you have to pay an on-the-spot fine.

The thing is, dude, you're
half-right, when it comes to firing off

the one-gun salute
to "La system", guilty.

But not where those babies are concerned.
They are the arteries of the nation.

And I dig it.

You can appeal in
30 days, if you wish.

I thought I could get
a ticket on the train.

No, you can't. There's a sign.

I didn't see the sign, dude. Can you
not give me the benefit of the doubt?

No, I can't... Dude.

For all I know, you might
be a habitual ticket evader.

For all I know, you could
be a habitual sex offender.

You could go badger-baiting
at the weekends.

You could even, heaven forbid,
have Shania twain on your iPod,

but I don't know, so I give
you the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! You tell
him, he's a right rude bugger.

He's always being
really mean to me.

You're all right,
mate, I'm on it.

Called me a dirty bum boy.

You can either pay the fine now,

or, if you feel the rules don't
apply to you, you can refuse to pay.

He said I was a despicable man.

In which case, we press for a
charge of theft, and it goes to court.

And a skinny pansy.

We never lose.
Good luck with that.

Is it 'cause you're short?

Did your girlfriend run off
with the basketball team?

That's gotta hurt.

For her as well, I imagine.

Judge: Thomas Gregory saxondale,

you are to appear before
stevenage crown court on appeal.

Right.

Jonathan: There he is!

♪ I fought the law
and the law won! ♪

Not this time, they won't.

Messing with the wrong guy, eh?

The clash, they were a hell of a band,
weren't they? You ever work with them?

Yeah. Jonathan, I'm looking for character
witnesses to speak on my behalf in court.

-Very good idea.
-Yeah.

If only I weren't up to my neck in
bloody pan-European expansion.

Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, if I get found guilty, I won't be
paying the fine, so that will mean jail.

No, I'm with you.

Like I said, if I could
only get away. Jesus!

I mean, I have asked them. I
said, you know, "Am I the only guy

"capable of heading up the European
campaign? That doesn't sound right."

no, it doesn't. Unless
they're a shower of dicks.

No, we've got... We've got
some pretty smart people there.

All right, Tommy,

good to catch up.

Take it easy.

Oh!

While I remember, erm...

Residents' association noticed a
few oil spots on the speed bump.

Thought it might be coming
from the old yellow menace.

-From what?
-The old Ford exocet missile.

-From what?
-From your car?

Oh, my boss 351 mustang.
Yes, that will be leaking oil.

Ah.

When you get to the
Autumn of your life,

your tubes do start to
show signs of wear and tear.

Yeah.

I mean, my bladder doesn't have
the elasticity it had when it was 21.

No, I suppose, it
wouldn't, would it?

No, the best thing to
dissolve oil is ammonia.

-Oh, ok.
-Which is a component of urine.

Is it really?

But at above room
temperature, yes. Hot piss.

Oh, okay!

Yeah, but you
can't let it cool down,

so best thing is direct
application at body temperature.

In other words, if you
see a few oil spots,

best thing, just,
erm... Piss on them.

Might look a bit weird.

Yeah, actually, yeah, the
more I think about it, yeah.

I mean, the women from
the residents' association

you know, squatting in
the middle of the road...

Oh!

That's got to be a bigger
breach of residential etiquette

than a few oil stains.

No, no, no, not gonna work.

Okay, all right,
well, just a thought.

Yeah, no, cheers, Tommy.
All right, you go get 'em.

-Magz?
-Yeah?

I've, erm... I've
made a decision.

What?

I'm gonna represent
myself in court.

Well, what about our solicitor?

I've just come off the
phone to him. He wants £200.

I gave him a hollow laugh.

You can't possibly
manage it all by yourself.

I said the same to
you the other night

about that family
bucket of chicken wings.

Yeah, well, you helped with it.

Well, you let me lick
your bucket clean.

We're talking about kfc.

I think you're being
so brave about all this.

You're so strong.

You know, I'll always
be your anchor in a storm.

Will you?

Will you be my
ballast... If I list?

Yeah.

Raymond: Erm...

I've got the stuff you wanted.

I've got Quincy, rumpole of the
Bailey, and John Grisham, the last juror.

Magz: You are... The
music of my spheres.

You are my whale song.

Penny: Hi! Only me!

Hi, penny.

You know Tommy's gonna need some
character witnesses when he goes to court?

-Mm.
-Nothing to be scared of, penny.

Scared, hardly!

When I was a student, I was
arrested for disturbing the peace.

-Really?
-Yeah.

We'd had a sit-down
protest... In the refectory.

Magz: Wow!

Well, next time the sas
are going hand to hand

with the Taliban in
the tora bora caves,

they'll be saying,

"this is scary, but at least we don't have
to face down tetchy women in pashminas

"handing round
home-made flapjack."

did you want to
ask me something?

Yes, I would really appreciate it if you
would shimmy down to the courthouse

and big up the
old ts, re the jury.

I'll help you in court,

if you think seriously
about your carbon footprint.

Okay.

Will you really?

I just did.

[Sighs]

[Engine rumbles]

[Tyres screech]

Oh, Tommy, babes, all this legal
business over a blooming train ticket?

Poor old magz, it would break
her heart if you went inside, darling.

What would she do
without your cooking, hm?

Without your Shepherd's pie?

Your cheese and onion pie, hmm?

Your prawns in white
wine sauce... Pie?

She'd waste away to nothing...

Eventually.

Magz isn't worried.

My freedom isn't gonna hang on some oompa
loompa in a ticket inspector's uniform.

Oh, you're kidding. It
wasn't that little fellow, was it?

-Yeah.
-Chunky monkey?

-D'you know him?
-Yeah, I do.

And he is a lovely bloke, yeah.

He went out with my
mate, sticky Nicky.

Yeah, they met at the amateur
dramatics doing grease, yeah.

He was playing doody,
she was Betty Rizzo.

Oh, it was fantastic, it
was better than the film.

But not as good as the book.

Tommy, darling, if this does all
go wrong, and you end up inside,

will you promise me that
you will shave that beard off?

Why?

Oh, wake up, Tommy, pet!

It's like having a handle
either side of your face. Yeah?

There are some very
lonely blokes in prison!

They could still grab his hair.

Oh, you're right, Raymond, yeah.

You know what you're gonna
have to do, don't you Tommy?

You're going to have to shave your
entire body, be completely smooth.

That way, darling, when they
cover you in vaseline, yeah,

you can slither
free. Eh, Raymond?

-Like a bar of soap.
-Like a bar of soap!

Whoo! There he goes!

I actually came in just
for the cheque, actually.

Now, I know that magz is
the very soul of loyalty, yeah?

But if you go inside,
darling, sooner or later,

she's gonna have to take
her comfort where she can.

All those pizza delivery boys...

"oh, I appear to have brought one too many,
are you sure you can manage both on your own?"

hmm? I mean, you know, I'm
sure she can, but they are sneaky.

Best thing is, Tommy, babes,
just don't think about it, yeah.

Otherwise you'd just end
up crying into your pillow.

Or biting it.

[Quietly] Shit,
he's got a stick.

All rise.

Mr saxondale...

[Speaking as deaf person]
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

A white horse walked into a bar.

And the barman says, "Hey,
we've got a whisky named after you."

and the horse
says, "What? Bill?"

[quiet giggling]

I'm not deaf.

But you laughed at that shit
joke, 'cause you thought I was.

Shame on you.

And shame on me for
doing that deaf voice.

Let's not be swayed by
impediments, aural or stick-based.

[Saxondale sighs]

Are you, erm, familiar with
the term "Musical theatre"?

I'd say so, yes.

Erm, you'll doubtless be familiar
with the spectacle of grease,

one of the more venerated
examples of the genre.

Yes, I know greasevery
well, as it happens, yes.

You know greasevery
well, as it happens, yes...

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but there is, is there not,

a scene in which the
melodically-inclined garage mechanics

take part in the renovation of a
motor vehicle, pimping, if you will,

the car into something the members
of the jury may be more familiar with

as greased lightning?

Yes, that's right,
that's what happens.

And the said mechanics
leap from the bonnet of the car,

and whip out their combs to
correct the inevitable dishevelment

that occurs from such
an athletic manoeuvre.

Yes, that's right.

And that you, in
August of last year,

as a member of the abbots
Langley amateur dramatic society,

in the theatrical guise of one
of the aforementioned fellows,

did perform this very manoeuvre
with, I have it on very good authority,

no small measure of aplomb.

That's right, I did,
I played doody.

You played doody.

A man with a walking stick,
propelling himself from the bonnet

of a 1946 fat-fendered
Ford coupe?

Well, I'm not disabled...

Ah!

You're not disa...

Then I'm sure the ladies and
gentlemen of the jury would love to know

why you feel the need
to use a walking stick?

-Well...
-Not just trying to play the sympathy card, are you?

-Mmm? Tiny Tim?
-No.

I put it to you that
you are not tiny Tim,

but that I am Bob
cratchit, and you are...

The... ghost... the ghost,
whose name escapes me.

Erm... what's...

From Christmas
Carol, the one with the...

-Ghost of Christmas present?
-No, the one with the chains.

-Casper?
-Not Casper!

Sorry. Can we strike that stuff
from the record, please, your honour?

-Can you explain to the court why you use a walking stick?
-Yeah.

I dislocated my knee last week,

playing in a charity
football match.

You dislocated your knee last week
playing in a charity football match.

Mr saxondale, can you tell me
where this line of inquiry is leading?

Just sought... really sought
to illustrate, your honour,

that he played in a charity
football match and hurt his knee.

-To what end?
-To what end, precisely, because, because, because...

Not because of the wonderful
things he does! Ha, ha-ha, ha.

But because he...
Because, ah, yes!

That's it, because
whatever grave injustice

he carried out at
the train station,

do not demonise this man.

He's not a monster.

I merely ask you to
consider that he may be...

A bit of a dick.

Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury.

Exhibit a. The
customers arrive here,

and travel along this route
to board the train here,

passing the sign exhorting the
passenger to purchase a ticket

before boarding said train.

Unmissable, so they say.

Unless...

One were to take this
route to the magazine stand,

there to purchase mojomagazine,

one copy for perusal
aboard the aforementioned,

in which case, the coffee booth
obscures the line of sight to the sign.

And that is a wedgie of
eye-watering proportions

between the tender pink
cheeks of the rail company.

I thank you.

You can stand up now.
Oh, sorry, you already are.

[Scattered laughter]

The booth is made of glass.

-Settle down at the back.
-You can see right through it.

Jazz hands!

Mr saxondale, would
you like to reply as regards

the booth being made of glass

and presumably, the
sign is visible through it?

Mmm? Sorry?

Well, ordinarily, your honour, yes, but
there was a lady inside, squeezing oranges.

And did she obscure
your view of the sign?

She didn't occupy the
whole booth, your honour,

but she did give the
impression of one who, erm,

siphons off shop-soiled confectionery
with a degree of enthusiasm, she...

I'm not being offensive, I speak as
one who celebrates the Fuller figure.

Mr saxondale, did she
obscure your view of the sign?

-She did, erm, have big hair.
-Could you see the sign?

Is he still going on about that?

Mr saxondale!
[Saxondale singing]

Please answer the question.

I was up all night doing that!

[Pointer clatters]

There he is!

♪ Well, good morning,
judge how are you today... ♪

yeah, if I'm found guilty, I
will be looking at a prison term.

No, I know. I just...

♪ tonight there's
gonna be a jail break... ♪

-♪ somewhere in... ♪
-that's... That's very doubtful.

Most prisons are built to very
strict home office regulations.

I know, I just... I am
rooting for you, mate.

Oh, while I remember...

Just... her
indoors, giving it...

Tyres on the kerb?

Don't shoot, bro.
Only the messenger!

You sock it to 'em,
Tommy! Don't take any crap.

♪ Breaking the
law breaking the... ♪

[Vacuum powers up]

Tommy?

-What are you doing?
-Couldn't sleep.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I'm... I'm scared.

What are you scared of?

I can't tell you.

You can tell me anything.

Magz, I've got a past.

Oh, my god, what did you do?

I can't, I can't...

Just tell me.

A bunch of us stole a Land Rover
from an agricultural show in 1974.

A kind of protest.

What were you
protesting against?

The world was in chaos, the
Watergate scandal had just broken,

Turkey had invaded Cyprus,

and then the whole local
government act kicked in.

Six new metropolitan
counties appeared overnight,

people didn't know what
the hell was going on.

Some people were going to
sleep in derbyshire and waking up

in nottinghamshire, they were
just messing with people's minds!

And, you know,

I was doing a fair bit
of cider at the time.

What happened
with the Land Rover?

Erm, we... Cruised down to
cornwall, laid low, blended in,

did a tour of the tin mines.

Hit the tea rooms, did the whole
scones and clotted cream routine.

Police turned over one of the
group, and she sang like a canary.

They let her keep her job as a lab
assistant at loughborough polytechnic.

How she sleeps at
night, I do not know.

I might be on a list.

Look...

You are as smart as any
lawyer in that courtroom.

Yeah. I could... I could
tell that joke, couldn't I?

Bloke goes into a bar with
an alligator under his arm

and says to the barman
"Do you serve lawyers?"

and he says yes,
and he says, "All right,

"I'll have a beer for me and
a lawyer for the alligator."

-just be yourself tomorrow.
-Yeah, I won't tell that joke.

-No.
-No.

I call to the stand,
mr Keanu Reeves.

Why is everything so Woody?

Mr Reeves, I would remind
you that you are in a court of law

and are obliged to observe
the proceedings accordingly.

Erm, fyhi...

For your honour's information,

my witness changed
his name by deed poll

to that of the film actor
familiar to many here

as the cassock-wearing
flying man from the matrix.

-Very good.
-Yeah, I know.

Mr Reeves, when giving
your account of events

at stevenage railway station,

may I respectfully request
that you avoid the vernacular?

Why is everyone talking
like it's the olden days?

Mr Reeves, I would reiterate that you
respect the procedure in the courtroom.

Grumpy!

Can you confirm for the court
that, on the day in question,

you were at stevenage
railway station?

Yeah.

Minding your own business.

-Yeah.
-Thank you.

-Ladies and gentlemen...
-I wasn't having sex with blokes for money.

Just a simple yes
or no will suffice.

Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,

this man you see
before you today,

this unfortunate addict has to work as
a rent boy simply to make ends meet.

He has to, in a cruel irony,

make ends meet,
to make ends meet.

Yeah. [Clears throat]

How would you characterise
the ticket inspector?

He's really mean.

[Stamps foot]

Can you please tell the court what the
ticket inspector called you, on one occasion?

He called me a dirty bum boy.

The most vulnerable in
society, ladies and gentlemen.

What sort of person would call this
dirty bum boy an unfortunate addict?

I've got that the
wrong way round.

No need to retype, just swap
"Unfortunate addict" For "Dirty bum boy".

Hey, you.

Hey, you! Wiggy.

Mr Reeves, you must address
the judge as your honour

and only when you
yourself are addressed.

Sorry about this.

Mr Reeves, did you have a
question you wanted to ask me?

No.

Hey! Hey, Bambi.
What you doing here?

Oh, strewth.

Can you tell the court what
your relationship is to me?

I'm a very good friend of
your partner, Margaret neath.

And by extension...

Oh, a friend to you both, yes.

And how would you describe me to the court?
What kind of person would you say I am?

Well, fundamentally honest.

Fundamentally honest, ladies
and gentlemen of the jury.

He's not always the easiest
person to be around at times.

Which among us isn't
a little difficult at times?

Perhaps a little
prone to belligerence.

Prone to belligerence.

I ask the court to observe the affectionate
nature with which that was delivered.

Penny: He's very
opinionated, certainly.

Once again, for the record,
delivered with a jaunty chuckle,

nothing to be read
into that whatsoever.

Maybe a slight tendency
to, temperament-wise,

hair-trigger, shall we say?

Shall we not?

-But fundamentally honest.
-Oh, yes.

A tendency towards
belligerence at times...

You keep saying that, you...

Whose side are you on?

That's how we mess around with
each other, you can see how it works.

-Yes, he's all right, really.
-Bit late now.

No more questions.

Fundamentally honest.

I'd like to sum up by starting
with a joke, a bit of levity.

Erm...

A man goes into a bar with a lawyer and
asks the barman if they serve alligators.

He says "Yes." He says,
"I'll have... An alligator."

no, that's not right.

He goes in with an alligator,
says, "Do you serve lawyers..."

a man goes in with an alligator,
says, "Do you serve lawyers?"

the lawyer says...

The barman says,

"yes, we serve lawyers." So the man says,
"Can I have a lawyer for my alligator?"

that's it. I botched
it. I botched the joke.

You know, take him down. 40 lashes
for joke-botching of the worst kind.

All right, okay, let's just...

We've heard some
compelling evidence...

Sod it! Sorry.

Look, I didn't see
the sign, all right?

I was rushing home to
give her her birthday present.

I just wasn't watching. It
was just a cheap novelty mug,

and on the side it said,

"behind every good
woman there is a man,

"looking at her arse."

we had a laugh.

That's all she needs.

She doesn't need fancy
scarves or your diamonds, or...

Hand-made Belgian chocolates.

She's quite happy
with a couple of yorkies.

She's not selfish.

She doesn't spend a
fortune on accessories.

Look in her handbag,
all she's got is 20 quid,

a photograph of me in a kilt,
and a rape alarm, and a yorkie.

Well, half a yorkie.

And that's why I love her.

You can keep your
anorexic supermodels.

Sure, you'll save
a fortune at tesco's,

but it would be like going
to bed with a deck chair.

So if it's a crime to not see
a sign on a railway station,

then find me guilty
because I can't see past her.

Unless I, you know,
take a few steps to the left.

I love you.

Case dismissed.

Mr saxondale? We do actually
have other cases to see today,

so if you'd like to leave
through the front door...

No way!

I'm an innocent man, I am
leaving through the front door.

If you could,
that's the only exit.

And no one's gonna stop me.

No.

We have smashed the system.

With this verdict the British rail
network's fare policy lies in tatters.

A senior judge slammed their
behaviour as "Less than satisfactory".

[Quietly] Put it down now.

And we send a message out,

all those who would seek to
oppress the weak and the powerless...

You are arseholes
and just, you know,

pack it in, basically.

I'll take questions now.

What's your name?

-Tom saxondale.
-And your age?

Fifty-two.

-And where do you live?
-Thorny way, stevenage.

Thanks.

Well done. It was really good.

Yeah, it was, wasn't
it? Yeah. Good.

-Pizza hut?
-Yeah, I'm famished.