Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Eric Idle/Bob Dylan - full transcript

[SIGHS]
DOCTOR, HOW IS HE?
HE'S NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD.

[CROWD LAUGHS]
DOCTOR, HOW IS HE?
MR. MICHAELS, THIS MAN HAS

DOCTOR, HOW IS HE?
MR. MICHAELS, THIS MAN HAS
104 TEMPERATURE, HE HAS

MR. MICHAELS, THIS MAN HAS
104 TEMPERATURE, HE HAS
ACUTE LARYNGITIS, AND YET

104 TEMPERATURE, HE HAS
ACUTE LARYNGITIS, AND YET
EVEN IN HIS LEERIEST STATE,

ACUTE LARYNGITIS, AND YET
EVEN IN HIS LEERIEST STATE,
HE INSISTS ON GOING ON.

EVEN IN HIS LEERIEST STATE,
HE INSISTS ON GOING ON.
HOWEVER, IN MY OPINION,

HE INSISTS ON GOING ON.
HOWEVER, IN MY OPINION,
THERE IS NO WAY THAT ERIC IDLE

HOWEVER, IN MY OPINION,
THERE IS NO WAY THAT ERIC IDLE
IS CAPABLE OF DOING A SHOW

THERE IS NO WAY THAT ERIC IDLE
IS CAPABLE OF DOING A SHOW
TONIGHT.

IS CAPABLE OF DOING A SHOW
TONIGHT.
I'LL GO ON.



TONIGHT.
I'LL GO ON.
DOCTOR, HE'S A PRO.

I'LL GO ON.
DOCTOR, HE'S A PRO.
IF HE SAYS HE CAN DO IT,

DOCTOR, HE'S A PRO.
IF HE SAYS HE CAN DO IT,
HE CAN DO IT.

IF HE SAYS HE CAN DO IT,
HE CAN DO IT.
IT'S NOT GONNA KILL HIM.

HE CAN DO IT.
IT'S NOT GONNA KILL HIM.
I'D SAY IF HE PERFORMS

IT'S NOT GONNA KILL HIM.
I'D SAY IF HE PERFORMS
HE HAS A 50/50 CHANCE OF

I'D SAY IF HE PERFORMS
HE HAS A 50/50 CHANCE OF
SURVIVING THE SHOW.

HE HAS A 50/50 CHANCE OF
SURVIVING THE SHOW.
I'LL GO ON.

SURVIVING THE SHOW.
I'LL GO ON.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I'LL GO ON.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND,

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MR. MICHAELS, IS WHY YOU DIDN'T

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MR. MICHAELS, IS WHY YOU DIDN'T
CALL ME EARLIER, THIS IS

MR. MICHAELS, IS WHY YOU DIDN'T
CALL ME EARLIER, THIS IS
A VERY SICK MAN.

CALL ME EARLIER, THIS IS
A VERY SICK MAN.
LOOK, I'LL GO ON.



A VERY SICK MAN.
LOOK, I'LL GO ON.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS

LOOK, I'LL GO ON.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS
THE DYLAN BEING HERE.

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS
THE DYLAN BEING HERE.
ALL WEEK EVERYONE'S BEEN

THE DYLAN BEING HERE.
ALL WEEK EVERYONE'S BEEN
MAKING SUCH A FUSS ABOUT DYLAN...

ALL WEEK EVERYONE'S BEEN
MAKING SUCH A FUSS ABOUT DYLAN...
ERIC'S AN ACTOR, I JUST THOUGHT

MAKING SUCH A FUSS ABOUT DYLAN...
ERIC'S AN ACTOR, I JUST THOUGHT
THAT THE SORE THROAT WAS AN

ERIC'S AN ACTOR, I JUST THOUGHT
THAT THE SORE THROAT WAS AN
ATTEMPT TO GET ATTENTION.

THAT THE SORE THROAT WAS AN
ATTEMPT TO GET ATTENTION.
I'LL GO ON.

ATTEMPT TO GET ATTENTION.
I'LL GO ON.
I'M TELLING YOU, IF YOU

I'LL GO ON.
I'M TELLING YOU, IF YOU
PUT THAT MAN ON STAGE IN HIS

I'M TELLING YOU, IF YOU
PUT THAT MAN ON STAGE IN HIS
PRESENT CONDITION HE MAY DIE.

PUT THAT MAN ON STAGE IN HIS
PRESENT CONDITION HE MAY DIE.
I CAN GO ON.

PRESENT CONDITION HE MAY DIE.
I CAN GO ON.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S A CHANCE

I CAN GO ON.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S A CHANCE
I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE, DOCTOR.

I'M AFRAID THAT'S A CHANCE
I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE, DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE, DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO TAKE FULL

ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO TAKE FULL
RESPONSIBILITY.

GONNA HAVE TO TAKE FULL
RESPONSIBILITY.
I'LL GO ON.

RESPONSIBILITY.
I'LL GO ON.
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE

I'LL GO ON.
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE
TO GET HIM READY?

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE
TO GET HIM READY?
WELL, I COULD SHOOT HIM UP

TO GET HIM READY?
WELL, I COULD SHOOT HIM UP
WITH SOME CORTISONE...

WELL, I COULD SHOOT HIM UP
WITH SOME CORTISONE...
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

WITH SOME CORTISONE...
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
SHOOTING A PATIENT UP WITH DRUGS

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
SHOOTING A PATIENT UP WITH DRUGS
GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING

SHOOTING A PATIENT UP WITH DRUGS
GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING
I STAND FOR AS A DOCTOR.

GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING
I STAND FOR AS A DOCTOR.
YOU'RE ASKING TO TEAR UP THE

I STAND FOR AS A DOCTOR.
YOU'RE ASKING TO TEAR UP THE
HIPPOCRATIC OATH AND THROW IT

YOU'RE ASKING TO TEAR UP THE
HIPPOCRATIC OATH AND THROW IT
IN THE TOILET!

HIPPOCRATIC OATH AND THROW IT
IN THE TOILET!
YOU'RE ASKING ME TO ABANDON

IN THE TOILET!
YOU'RE ASKING ME TO ABANDON
EVERY PRINCIPLE HELD BY THE

YOU'RE ASKING ME TO ABANDON
EVERY PRINCIPLE HELD BY THE
MEDICAL PROFESSION,

EVERY PRINCIPLE HELD BY THE
MEDICAL PROFESSION,
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE.

MEDICAL PROFESSION,
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE.
LORNE, THE DOCTOR IS RIGHT.

I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE.
LORNE, THE DOCTOR IS RIGHT.
WHAT YOU'VE GOT IN THERE IS

LORNE, THE DOCTOR IS RIGHT.
WHAT YOU'VE GOT IN THERE IS
A HALF-DEAD ENGLISHMAN, SOMEONE

WHAT YOU'VE GOT IN THERE IS
A HALF-DEAD ENGLISHMAN, SOMEONE
WHO CAN'T POSSIBLY GET UP

A HALF-DEAD ENGLISHMAN, SOMEONE
WHO CAN'T POSSIBLY GET UP
IN TIME TO DO THIS SHOW.

WHO CAN'T POSSIBLY GET UP
IN TIME TO DO THIS SHOW.
I CAN GIVE YOU THE ENERGY AND

IN TIME TO DO THIS SHOW.
I CAN GIVE YOU THE ENERGY AND
THE ENTHUSIASM YOU NEED.

I CAN GIVE YOU THE ENERGY AND
THE ENTHUSIASM YOU NEED.
LISTEN TO THIS:

THE ENTHUSIASM YOU NEED.
LISTEN TO THIS:
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

LISTEN TO THIS:
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THE SHOT.

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THE SHOT.
[LAUGHTER]

WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THE SHOT.
[LAUGHTER]
[♪...]

[LAUGHTER]
[♪...]
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

[♪...]
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!
WITH ERIC IDLE.

STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS, BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST BOB DYLAN.

ANDY KAUFMAN, AND A LITTLE OF
HARRY SHEARER.

[♪...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ERIC IDLE!
[APPLAUSE]

[COUGHS]
GOOD EVENING.
MY DOCTOR SAID I CAN GO ON

GOOD EVENING.
MY DOCTOR SAID I CAN GO ON
AS LONG AS I'M NOT FUNNY.

MY DOCTOR SAID I CAN GO ON
AS LONG AS I'M NOT FUNNY.
LORNE SAID THE SHOW WASN'T FUNNY

AS LONG AS I'M NOT FUNNY.
LORNE SAID THE SHOW WASN'T FUNNY
ANYWAY SO I MIGHT AS WELL GO ON.

LORNE SAID THE SHOW WASN'T FUNNY
ANYWAY SO I MIGHT AS WELL GO ON.
[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY SO I MIGHT AS WELL GO ON.
[LAUGHTER]
SO, WE'D LIKE TO KICK OFF HERE

[LAUGHTER]
SO, WE'D LIKE TO KICK OFF HERE
WITH A NEW BREAKTHROUGH

SO, WE'D LIKE TO KICK OFF HERE
WITH A NEW BREAKTHROUGH
IN COMEDY...

WITH A NEW BREAKTHROUGH
IN COMEDY...
WE'D LIKE TO DO SOME

IN COMEDY...
WE'D LIKE TO DO SOME
MEDICAL IMPERSONATIONS.

WE'D LIKE TO DO SOME
MEDICAL IMPERSONATIONS.
IN PARTICULAR, SOME STRETCHER

MEDICAL IMPERSONATIONS.
IN PARTICULAR, SOME STRETCHER
IMPERSONATIONS.

IN PARTICULAR, SOME STRETCHER
IMPERSONATIONS.
FIRST OF ALL, THE RACING DRIVER

IMPERSONATIONS.
FIRST OF ALL, THE RACING DRIVER
STERLING MOSS.

FIRST OF ALL, THE RACING DRIVER
STERLING MOSS.
THANK YOU.

STERLING MOSS.
THANK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND NOW

[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND NOW
NUMBER TWO, SUPERMAN!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND NOW
NUMBER TWO, SUPERMAN!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, AND NOW NUMBER THREE,
ESTHER WILLIAMS.
[APPLAUSE]

ESTHER WILLIAMS.
[APPLAUSE]
NUMBER FOUR, JACK LALANNE.

[APPLAUSE]
NUMBER FOUR, JACK LALANNE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NUMBER FOUR, JACK LALANNE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
A RATHER MORE COMPLICATED ONE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
A RATHER MORE COMPLICATED ONE
THIS TIME...

A RATHER MORE COMPLICATED ONE
THIS TIME...
THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA.

THIS TIME...
THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA.
THANK YOU.

THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA.
THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
ADMIRAL NELSON, THANK YOU.

GARY GILMORE.
[LAUGHTER]
[CLAPPING]

[LAUGHTER]
[CLAPPING]
A LIGHT HOUSE.

[CLAPPING]
A LIGHT HOUSE.
[APPLAUSE]

A LIGHT HOUSE.
[APPLAUSE]
AND FINALLY, OUR TRIBUTE

[APPLAUSE]
AND FINALLY, OUR TRIBUTE
TO THE MARINE CORPS:

AND FINALLY, OUR TRIBUTE
TO THE MARINE CORPS:
IWO JIMA.

TO THE MARINE CORPS:
IWO JIMA.
[♪]

IWO JIMA.
[♪]
[APPLAUSE]

[♪]
[APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Man: THE GREAT PAINTINGS IN
TODAY'S WORLD AREN'T HANGING IN
SOME DUSTY GALLERY OR MUSEUM,

TODAY'S WORLD AREN'T HANGING IN
SOME DUSTY GALLERY OR MUSEUM,
THEY'RE WHERE THE ACTION IS

SOME DUSTY GALLERY OR MUSEUM,
THEY'RE WHERE THE ACTION IS
IN THE MORE THAN TWO MILLION

THEY'RE WHERE THE ACTION IS
IN THE MORE THAN TWO MILLION
HOTEL AND MOTEL ROOMS IN THE

IN THE MORE THAN TWO MILLION
HOTEL AND MOTEL ROOMS IN THE
UNITED STATES AND PUERTO RICO,

HOTEL AND MOTEL ROOMS IN THE
UNITED STATES AND PUERTO RICO,
HI... I'M TOM CLAY FOR

UNITED STATES AND PUERTO RICO,
HI... I'M TOM CLAY FOR
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR!

HI... I'M TOM CLAY FOR
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR!
HEY, YOU EVER READ ABOUT THOSE

HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR!
HEY, YOU EVER READ ABOUT THOSE
AUCTIONS WHERE SOMEBODY PAYS $2

HEY, YOU EVER READ ABOUT THOSE
AUCTIONS WHERE SOMEBODY PAYS $2
MILLION FOR A SINGLE PAINTING?

AUCTIONS WHERE SOMEBODY PAYS $2
MILLION FOR A SINGLE PAINTING?
WELL, HE'S GOT NOTHING

MILLION FOR A SINGLE PAINTING?
WELL, HE'S GOT NOTHING
ON HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR.

WELL, HE'S GOT NOTHING
ON HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR.
WE'VE SPENT THREE MILLION

ON HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR.
WE'VE SPENT THREE MILLION
DOLLARS AND NOW WE'VE GOT

WE'VE SPENT THREE MILLION
DOLLARS AND NOW WE'VE GOT
THOUSANDS OF PAINTINGS.

DOLLARS AND NOW WE'VE GOT
THOUSANDS OF PAINTINGS.
EVERYTHING FROM SOFA SIZE,

THOUSANDS OF PAINTINGS.
EVERYTHING FROM SOFA SIZE,
LANDSCAPES TO BATHROOM

EVERYTHING FROM SOFA SIZE,
LANDSCAPES TO BATHROOM
MINIATURES AT PRICES SO LOW

LANDSCAPES TO BATHROOM
MINIATURES AT PRICES SO LOW
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THESE

MINIATURES AT PRICES SO LOW
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THESE
MASTERPIECES WERE PAINTED

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THESE
MASTERPIECES WERE PAINTED
BY HAND.

MASTERPIECES WERE PAINTED
BY HAND.
AND THEY ALL GOTTA GO OUT THE

BY HAND.
AND THEY ALL GOTTA GO OUT THE
DOOR THIS WEEKEND AT THE

AND THEY ALL GOTTA GO OUT THE
DOOR THIS WEEKEND AT THE
44 HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIRS

DOOR THIS WEEKEND AT THE
44 HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIRS
THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES.

44 HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIRS
THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
[LAUGHTER]

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
[LAUGHTER]
"SUNRISE IN MALIBU".

[LAUGHTER]
"SUNRISE IN MALIBU".
UNTIL JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS

"SUNRISE IN MALIBU".
UNTIL JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS
AGO IT WAS IN CASA HOUSTON

UNTIL JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS
AGO IT WAS IN CASA HOUSTON
ONE OF THE MIDWEST LEADING

AGO IT WAS IN CASA HOUSTON
ONE OF THE MIDWEST LEADING
HOTEL CHAINS!

ONE OF THE MIDWEST LEADING
HOTEL CHAINS!
A NEW DECORATOR COMES IN AND NOW

HOTEL CHAINS!
A NEW DECORATOR COMES IN AND NOW
YOU CAN HANG THIS BEAUTIFUL VIEW

A NEW DECORATOR COMES IN AND NOW
YOU CAN HANG THIS BEAUTIFUL VIEW
OF A DYNAMITE AREA IN YOUR HOME

YOU CAN HANG THIS BEAUTIFUL VIEW
OF A DYNAMITE AREA IN YOUR HOME
FOR A FRACTION OF WHAT YOU'D

OF A DYNAMITE AREA IN YOUR HOME
FOR A FRACTION OF WHAT YOU'D
PAY AT A MUSEUM OR ART STORE.

FOR A FRACTION OF WHAT YOU'D
PAY AT A MUSEUM OR ART STORE.
AND THE REASON?

PAY AT A MUSEUM OR ART STORE.
AND THE REASON?
IT'S SIMPLE!

AND THE REASON?
IT'S SIMPLE!
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR

IT'S SIMPLE!
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR
BUYS IN ENORMOUS QUANTITIES

HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR
BUYS IN ENORMOUS QUANTITIES
FROM QUALITY HOTELS-MOTELS

BUYS IN ENORMOUS QUANTITIES
FROM QUALITY HOTELS-MOTELS
THEN WE OPEN OUR HUGE

FROM QUALITY HOTELS-MOTELS
THEN WE OPEN OUR HUGE
MULTI-COLORED TENTS ONLY

THEN WE OPEN OUR HUGE
MULTI-COLORED TENTS ONLY
ON WEEKENDS AND YOU POCKET

MULTI-COLORED TENTS ONLY
ON WEEKENDS AND YOU POCKET
THE DIFFERENCE.

ON WEEKENDS AND YOU POCKET
THE DIFFERENCE.
AND WHEN YOU BUY FROM

THE DIFFERENCE.
AND WHEN YOU BUY FROM
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR YOU

AND WHEN YOU BUY FROM
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR YOU
HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF HANGING

HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR YOU
HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF HANGING
ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST SEEN

HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF HANGING
ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST SEEN
PAINTINGS RIGHT IN YOUR

ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST SEEN
PAINTINGS RIGHT IN YOUR
VERY OWN HOME.

PAINTINGS RIGHT IN YOUR
VERY OWN HOME.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

VERY OWN HOME.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR IS

SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR IS
OPEN ALL DAY TOMORROW AND

HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR IS
OPEN ALL DAY TOMORROW AND
THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE NEAR YOU!

OPEN ALL DAY TOMORROW AND
THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE NEAR YOU!
WHATEVER KINDA PAINTING YOU'RE

THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE NEAR YOU!
WHATEVER KINDA PAINTING YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR WHETHER IT'S

WHATEVER KINDA PAINTING YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR WHETHER IT'S
LANDSCAPE, SEASCAPE, CLOWNS,

LOOKING FOR WHETHER IT'S
LANDSCAPE, SEASCAPE, CLOWNS,
CHILDREN, SPORTS, SUNSETS, CUTE

LANDSCAPE, SEASCAPE, CLOWNS,
CHILDREN, SPORTS, SUNSETS, CUTE
OR MENACING ANIMALS, IT'S GOTTA

CHILDREN, SPORTS, SUNSETS, CUTE
OR MENACING ANIMALS, IT'S GOTTA
BE AT HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR.

OR MENACING ANIMALS, IT'S GOTTA
BE AT HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR.
HURRY FOR BEST SELECTION.

BE AT HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR.
HURRY FOR BEST SELECTION.
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR...

HURRY FOR BEST SELECTION.
HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR...
WHERE THEY WON'T LET YOU BUY IT

HOTEL-MOTEL ART FAIR...
WHERE THEY WON'T LET YOU BUY IT
UNLESS IT'S FRAMED!

WHERE THEY WON'T LET YOU BUY IT
UNLESS IT'S FRAMED!
[APPLAUSE]

GOOD MORNING, SIR.
GOOD MORNING.
I'D LIKE SOME HANDMADE SHOES.

GOOD MORNING.
I'D LIKE SOME HANDMADE SHOES.
WELL, THEN YOU'VE CERTAINLY

I'D LIKE SOME HANDMADE SHOES.
WELL, THEN YOU'VE CERTAINLY
COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE

WELL, THEN YOU'VE CERTAINLY
COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE
BECAUSE THIS INDEED IS A

COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE
BECAUSE THIS INDEED IS A
HANDMADE SHOE SHOP...

BECAUSE THIS INDEED IS A
HANDMADE SHOE SHOP...
WELL, THE SHOP ISN'T HANDMADE,

HANDMADE SHOE SHOP...
WELL, THE SHOP ISN'T HANDMADE,
BUT THE SHOES ARE OBVIOUSLY.

WELL, THE SHOP ISN'T HANDMADE,
BUT THE SHOES ARE OBVIOUSLY.
GOOD, GOOD.

BUT THE SHOES ARE OBVIOUSLY.
GOOD, GOOD.
YES, GOOD.

GOOD, GOOD.
YES, GOOD.
NOW, HAD YOU GONE TO AN ANTIQUE

YES, GOOD.
NOW, HAD YOU GONE TO AN ANTIQUE
SHOP OR A FURNITURE STORE,

NOW, HAD YOU GONE TO AN ANTIQUE
SHOP OR A FURNITURE STORE,
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG PLACE BUT

SHOP OR A FURNITURE STORE,
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG PLACE BUT
YOU'RE NOT, SO CONGRATULATIONS

YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG PLACE BUT
YOU'RE NOT, SO CONGRATULATIONS
AND WELL DONE.

YOU'RE NOT, SO CONGRATULATIONS
AND WELL DONE.
WELL, THANK YOU.

AND WELL DONE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
NOT AT ALL AND THAT IN ITSELF

WELL, THANK YOU.
NOT AT ALL AND THAT IN ITSELF
QUALIFIES YOU FOR A FREE GIFT.

NOT AT ALL AND THAT IN ITSELF
QUALIFIES YOU FOR A FREE GIFT.
CONCHITA!

QUALIFIES YOU FOR A FREE GIFT.
CONCHITA!
AH, MUY BUENO, MUY BUENO.

CONCHITA!
AH, MUY BUENO, MUY BUENO.
[LAUGHTER]

AH, MUY BUENO, MUY BUENO.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT WAS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT WAS YOUR FREE GIFT, SIR.

WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT WAS YOUR FREE GIFT, SIR.
WE USED TO GIVE LITTLE HATS AND

THAT WAS YOUR FREE GIFT, SIR.
WE USED TO GIVE LITTLE HATS AND
SILLY WHISTLES BUT WE FOUND THAT

WE USED TO GIVE LITTLE HATS AND
SILLY WHISTLES BUT WE FOUND THAT
OUR CUSTOMERS PREFER A KISS

SILLY WHISTLES BUT WE FOUND THAT
OUR CUSTOMERS PREFER A KISS
FROM CONCHITA.

OUR CUSTOMERS PREFER A KISS
FROM CONCHITA.
I SEE.

FROM CONCHITA.
I SEE.
NOW SIR, WHAT WAS IT

I SEE.
NOW SIR, WHAT WAS IT
YOU WANTED?

NOW SIR, WHAT WAS IT
YOU WANTED?
SHOES, I NEED SHOES.

YOU WANTED?
SHOES, I NEED SHOES.
CERTAINLY, SIR, ANY COLOR?

SHOES, I NEED SHOES.
CERTAINLY, SIR, ANY COLOR?
YES, I'M PARTICULARLY

CERTAINLY, SIR, ANY COLOR?
YES, I'M PARTICULARLY
INTERESTED IN BROWN SHOES.

YES, I'M PARTICULARLY
INTERESTED IN BROWN SHOES.
WELL, WE GOT RED, BLACK,

INTERESTED IN BROWN SHOES.
WELL, WE GOT RED, BLACK,
BLUE, YELLOW...

WELL, WE GOT RED, BLACK,
BLUE, YELLOW...
Man: ANY BROWN?

BLUE, YELLOW...
Man: ANY BROWN?
MAGENTA, ORANGE...

Man: ANY BROWN?
MAGENTA, ORANGE...
Man: BROWN, BROWN SHOES.

MAGENTA, ORANGE...
Man: BROWN, BROWN SHOES.
PINK, OYSTER...

Man: BROWN, BROWN SHOES.
PINK, OYSTER...
BROWN SHOES!

PINK, OYSTER...
BROWN SHOES!
I NEED BROWN SHOES.

BROWN SHOES!
I NEED BROWN SHOES.
GREY, SILVER, GOLD,

I NEED BROWN SHOES.
GREY, SILVER, GOLD,
OLD GOLD, FOOL'S GOLD.

GREY, SILVER, GOLD,
OLD GOLD, FOOL'S GOLD.
SHUT UP, WOULD YOU

OLD GOLD, FOOL'S GOLD.
SHUT UP, WOULD YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP!

SHUT UP, WOULD YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP!
DO YOU HAVE ANY BROWN

PLEASE SHUT UP!
DO YOU HAVE ANY BROWN
SHOES OR NOT?

DO YOU HAVE ANY BROWN
SHOES OR NOT?
WELL, SIR, TO BE

SHOES OR NOT?
WELL, SIR, TO BE
PERFECTLY FRANK, YES.

WELL, SIR, TO BE
PERFECTLY FRANK, YES.
SO, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE

PERFECTLY FRANK, YES.
SO, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
DIFFERENT COLORS?

SO, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
DIFFERENT COLORS?
JUST SHOWING OFF,

DIFFERENT COLORS?
JUST SHOWING OFF,
I SUPPOSE, SIR.

JUST SHOWING OFF,
I SUPPOSE, SIR.
AND MAKING SURE YOU DID INDEED

I SUPPOSE, SIR.
AND MAKING SURE YOU DID INDEED
REALLY WANT A BROWN SHOE.

AND MAKING SURE YOU DID INDEED
REALLY WANT A BROWN SHOE.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

REALLY WANT A BROWN SHOE.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
THE BROWN?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
THE BROWN?
YES.

THE BROWN?
YES.
CONGRATULATIONS, SIR,

YES.
CONGRATULATIONS, SIR,
AND THAT ALONE EARNS YOU ANOTHER

CONGRATULATIONS, SIR,
AND THAT ALONE EARNS YOU ANOTHER
FREE GIFT... THIS TIME FROM

AND THAT ALONE EARNS YOU ANOTHER
FREE GIFT... THIS TIME FROM
THE LUSCIOUS LIPS OF ANGELICA!

FREE GIFT... THIS TIME FROM
THE LUSCIOUS LIPS OF ANGELICA!
[INAUDIBLE]

NOW THEN, WHAT WAS IT
YOU WANTED, SIR?
THE BROWN SHOE.

YOU WANTED, SIR?
THE BROWN SHOE.
AH, YES, THE BROWN SHOE.

THE BROWN SHOE.
AH, YES, THE BROWN SHOE.
WHAT SIZE, SIR?

AH, YES, THE BROWN SHOE.
WHAT SIZE, SIR?
10 1/2.

WHAT SIZE, SIR?
10 1/2.
WELL, WE HAVE EIGHT, WE HAVE

10 1/2.
WELL, WE HAVE EIGHT, WE HAVE
9 1/2, WE HAVE 7 1/2, WE HAVE

WELL, WE HAVE EIGHT, WE HAVE
9 1/2, WE HAVE 7 1/2, WE HAVE
10 3/4...

9 1/2, WE HAVE 7 1/2, WE HAVE
10 3/4...
10 1/2.

10 3/4...
10 1/2.
WE HAVE 13, PROBABLY

10 1/2.
WE HAVE 13, PROBABLY
A BIT TOO LARGE FOR YOU.

WE HAVE 13, PROBABLY
A BIT TOO LARGE FOR YOU.
I WANT A SIZE 10 1/2 SHOE.

A BIT TOO LARGE FOR YOU.
I WANT A SIZE 10 1/2 SHOE.
WE HAVE FIVE, THAT'S PROBABLY

I WANT A SIZE 10 1/2 SHOE.
WE HAVE FIVE, THAT'S PROBABLY
A LITTLE BIT ON THE SNUG SIDE...

WE HAVE FIVE, THAT'S PROBABLY
A LITTLE BIT ON THE SNUG SIDE...
I WANT A SIZE 10 1/2 SHOE!

A LITTLE BIT ON THE SNUG SIDE...
I WANT A SIZE 10 1/2 SHOE!
NOW, DO YOU HAVE SIZE 10 1/2,

I WANT A SIZE 10 1/2 SHOE!
NOW, DO YOU HAVE SIZE 10 1/2,
YES OR NO?

NOW, DO YOU HAVE SIZE 10 1/2,
YES OR NO?
YES.

YES OR NO?
YES.
WELL THEN WHY GO

YES.
WELL THEN WHY GO
THROUGH ALL THAT?

WELL THEN WHY GO
THROUGH ALL THAT?
'CAUSE IT IS MY JOB, SIR.

THROUGH ALL THAT?
'CAUSE IT IS MY JOB, SIR.
I AM A SHOE SALESMAN.

'CAUSE IT IS MY JOB, SIR.
I AM A SHOE SALESMAN.
SELLING SHOES IS MY LIFE,

I AM A SHOE SALESMAN.
SELLING SHOES IS MY LIFE,
IT IS MY METIER, MY VOCATION,

SELLING SHOES IS MY LIFE,
IT IS MY METIER, MY VOCATION,
MY FORTE, MY THING, MY GIFT,

IT IS MY METIER, MY VOCATION,
MY FORTE, MY THING, MY GIFT,
MY MISSION, [SPEAKS FRENCH].

MY FORTE, MY THING, MY GIFT,
MY MISSION, [SPEAKS FRENCH].
IT IS MY BAG, MAN.

MY MISSION, [SPEAKS FRENCH].
IT IS MY BAG, MAN.
WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT, SIR,

IT IS MY BAG, MAN.
WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT, SIR,
BUT I WANT ONLY ONE KIND OF SHOE

WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT, SIR,
BUT I WANT ONLY ONE KIND OF SHOE
AND THAT IS A SIZE 10 1/2

BUT I WANT ONLY ONE KIND OF SHOE
AND THAT IS A SIZE 10 1/2
BROWN SHOE.

AND THAT IS A SIZE 10 1/2
BROWN SHOE.
HERE YOU ARE, SIR.

BROWN SHOE.
HERE YOU ARE, SIR.
FINE, WHERE'S THE OTHER ONE?

HERE YOU ARE, SIR.
FINE, WHERE'S THE OTHER ONE?
PARDON, SIR?

FINE, WHERE'S THE OTHER ONE?
PARDON, SIR?
WHERE'S THE OTHER SHOE?

PARDON, SIR?
WHERE'S THE OTHER SHOE?
IT'S ON THE OTHER FOOT, SIR.

WHERE'S THE OTHER SHOE?
IT'S ON THE OTHER FOOT, SIR.
ON THE WHAT?

IT'S ON THE OTHER FOOT, SIR.
ON THE WHAT?
THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER

ON THE WHAT?
THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER
FOOT, SIR.

THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER
FOOT, SIR.
WHAT'S THE POINT?

FOOT, SIR.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
THE POINT IS HOW MANY SHOES

WHAT'S THE POINT?
THE POINT IS HOW MANY SHOES
DO YOU WANT, SIR?

THE POINT IS HOW MANY SHOES
DO YOU WANT, SIR?
WELL, I'D LIKE TWO SHOES.

DO YOU WANT, SIR?
WELL, I'D LIKE TWO SHOES.
TWO SHOES?

WELL, I'D LIKE TWO SHOES.
TWO SHOES?
YES, TWO SHOES.

TWO SHOES?
YES, TWO SHOES.
TWO?

YES, TWO SHOES.
TWO?
YES, TWO.

TWO?
YES, TWO.
NOT JUST ONE?

YES, TWO.
NOT JUST ONE?
NO, NOT ONE.

NOT JUST ONE?
NO, NOT ONE.
TWO?

NO, NOT ONE.
TWO?
LOOK... I HAVE A FOOT

TWO?
LOOK... I HAVE A FOOT
ON EACH SIDE AND I WANT

LOOK... I HAVE A FOOT
ON EACH SIDE AND I WANT
A SHOE FOR EACH SIDE.

ON EACH SIDE AND I WANT
A SHOE FOR EACH SIDE.
BUT IT'S MORE EXPENSIVE, SIR.

A SHOE FOR EACH SIDE.
BUT IT'S MORE EXPENSIVE, SIR.
MORE EXPENSIVE THAN WHAT?

BUT IT'S MORE EXPENSIVE, SIR.
MORE EXPENSIVE THAN WHAT?
THAN ONE SHOE.

MORE EXPENSIVE THAN WHAT?
THAN ONE SHOE.
HOW MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE?

THAN ONE SHOE.
HOW MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE?
TWICE AS EXPENSIVE.

HOW MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE?
TWICE AS EXPENSIVE.
[LAUGHTER]

TWICE AS EXPENSIVE.
[LAUGHTER]
HOW MUCH IS ONE SHOE?

[LAUGHTER]
HOW MUCH IS ONE SHOE?
HALF AS MUCH.

HOW MUCH IS ONE SHOE?
HALF AS MUCH.
HALF AS MUCH AS WHAT?

HALF AS MUCH.
HALF AS MUCH AS WHAT?
HALF AS MUCH AS TWO, SIR.

HALF AS MUCH AS WHAT?
HALF AS MUCH AS TWO, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA STAY

HALF AS MUCH AS TWO, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA STAY
REAL CALM ON THIS, HANG IN

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA STAY
REAL CALM ON THIS, HANG IN
WITH YA AND I'M NOT GONNA

REAL CALM ON THIS, HANG IN
WITH YA AND I'M NOT GONNA
HIT YOU JUST YET, ALL RIGHT?

WITH YA AND I'M NOT GONNA
HIT YOU JUST YET, ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU, SIR, AND BECAUSE

HIT YOU JUST YET, ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU, SIR, AND BECAUSE
OF THAT YOU EARNED ANOTHER BONUS

THANK YOU, SIR, AND BECAUSE
OF THAT YOU EARNED ANOTHER BONUS
GIFT FROM MY YOUNGEST, JUANITA!

OF THAT YOU EARNED ANOTHER BONUS
GIFT FROM MY YOUNGEST, JUANITA!
[SPEAKS SPANISH]

GIFT FROM MY YOUNGEST, JUANITA!
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
ALL RIGHT, STOP WITH THE FREE

[SPEAKS SPANISH]
ALL RIGHT, STOP WITH THE FREE
KISSING, STOP WITH THE "HALF AS

ALL RIGHT, STOP WITH THE FREE
KISSING, STOP WITH THE "HALF AS
MUCH AS TWO" BUSINESS.

KISSING, STOP WITH THE "HALF AS
MUCH AS TWO" BUSINESS.
NOW, YOU WEAR ONLY ONE SHOE?

MUCH AS TWO" BUSINESS.
NOW, YOU WEAR ONLY ONE SHOE?
YES, SIR, YES I DO.

NOW, YOU WEAR ONLY ONE SHOE?
YES, SIR, YES I DO.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME ASK YOU

YES, SIR, YES I DO.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME ASK YOU
THIS WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

ALL RIGHT, LET ME ASK YOU
THIS WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
ISN'T IT A BIT PAINFUL?

THIS WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
ISN'T IT A BIT PAINFUL?
SAY YOU'RE GETTING ALL DRESSED

ISN'T IT A BIT PAINFUL?
SAY YOU'RE GETTING ALL DRESSED
UP TO GO OUT TO A FANCY

SAY YOU'RE GETTING ALL DRESSED
UP TO GO OUT TO A FANCY
DRESS BALL...

UP TO GO OUT TO A FANCY
DRESS BALL...
OH, I DON'T GO TO DANCES,

DRESS BALL...
OH, I DON'T GO TO DANCES,
SIR, I FIND THEM PRETENTIOUS

OH, I DON'T GO TO DANCES,
SIR, I FIND THEM PRETENTIOUS
AND BORING.

SIR, I FIND THEM PRETENTIOUS
AND BORING.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE BEEN

AND BORING.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE BEEN
INVITED TO A DINNER PARTY

ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE BEEN
INVITED TO A DINNER PARTY
AT YOUR BOSSES' HOUSE...

INVITED TO A DINNER PARTY
AT YOUR BOSSES' HOUSE...
OH, I WOULDN'T GO TO A PARTY

AT YOUR BOSSES' HOUSE...
OH, I WOULDN'T GO TO A PARTY
AT MY BOSSES' HOUSE, SIR.

OH, I WOULDN'T GO TO A PARTY
AT MY BOSSES' HOUSE, SIR.
FIRST OF ALL, I HATE MY BOSS,

AT MY BOSSES' HOUSE, SIR.
FIRST OF ALL, I HATE MY BOSS,
AND SECONDLY, I FIND HIS

FIRST OF ALL, I HATE MY BOSS,
AND SECONDLY, I FIND HIS
HOUSE DEPRESSING.

AND SECONDLY, I FIND HIS
HOUSE DEPRESSING.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST SAY

HOUSE DEPRESSING.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST SAY
YOU'RE GOING BOWLING...

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST SAY
YOU'RE GOING BOWLING...
I DON'T BOWL... WAR INJURY.

YOU'RE GOING BOWLING...
I DON'T BOWL... WAR INJURY.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING OUT

I DON'T BOWL... WAR INJURY.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING OUT
WITH YOUR WIFE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING OUT
WITH YOUR WIFE.
MY WIFE IS DEAD.

WITH YOUR WIFE.
MY WIFE IS DEAD.
I'M SORRY, YOU'RE

MY WIFE IS DEAD.
I'M SORRY, YOU'RE
WALKING YOUR DOG.

I'M SORRY, YOU'RE
WALKING YOUR DOG.
I HATE DOGS, I DETEST

WALKING YOUR DOG.
I HATE DOGS, I DETEST
ALL PETS.

I HATE DOGS, I DETEST
ALL PETS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE SITTING

ALL PETS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE SITTING
HOME WATCHING T.V..

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE SITTING
HOME WATCHING T.V..
I DON'T OWN A T.V., I FIND IT

HOME WATCHING T.V..
I DON'T OWN A T.V., I FIND IT
REPUGNANT AND CHILDISH.

I DON'T OWN A T.V., I FIND IT
REPUGNANT AND CHILDISH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAY

REPUGNANT AND CHILDISH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAY
YOU'RE GOING TO A MOVIE THEN.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAY
YOU'RE GOING TO A MOVIE THEN.
I HATE MOVIES.

YOU'RE GOING TO A MOVIE THEN.
I HATE MOVIES.
IT'S A DOCUMENTARY!

I HATE MOVIES.
IT'S A DOCUMENTARY!
BIASED AND BORING.

IT'S A DOCUMENTARY!
BIASED AND BORING.
OKAY, YOU'RE JUST SITTING

BIASED AND BORING.
OKAY, YOU'RE JUST SITTING
HOME READING A BOOK.

OKAY, YOU'RE JUST SITTING
HOME READING A BOOK.
I DO NOT READ BOOKS.

HOME READING A BOOK.
I DO NOT READ BOOKS.
BOOKS ARE OFTEN MADE INTO MOVIES

I DO NOT READ BOOKS.
BOOKS ARE OFTEN MADE INTO MOVIES
AND I HATE ALL FORMS OF

BOOKS ARE OFTEN MADE INTO MOVIES
AND I HATE ALL FORMS OF
ENTERTAINMENT.

AND I HATE ALL FORMS OF
ENTERTAINMENT.
THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?

ENTERTAINMENT.
THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?
I SELL SHOES, SIR.

THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?
I SELL SHOES, SIR.
SHOE SELLING IS MY LIFE, SIR.

I SELL SHOES, SIR.
SHOE SELLING IS MY LIFE, SIR.
I'M INCESSANTLY SELLING SHOES.

SHOE SELLING IS MY LIFE, SIR.
I'M INCESSANTLY SELLING SHOES.
I NEVER STOP SELLING SHOES.

I'M INCESSANTLY SELLING SHOES.
I NEVER STOP SELLING SHOES.
ONE SHOE AT A TIME?

I NEVER STOP SELLING SHOES.
ONE SHOE AT A TIME?
PRECISELY.

ONE SHOE AT A TIME?
PRECISELY.
YOU HAVE A 10 1/2 BROWN?

PRECISELY.
YOU HAVE A 10 1/2 BROWN?
YES, SIR.

YOU HAVE A 10 1/2 BROWN?
YES, SIR.
HOW MUCH IS IT?

YES, SIR.
HOW MUCH IS IT?
$10.

HOW MUCH IS IT?
$10.
I'LL TAKE TWO.

$10.
I'LL TAKE TWO.
SOLD.

I'LL TAKE TWO.
SOLD.
CONCHITA, JUANITA...

SOLD.
CONCHITA, JUANITA...
[APPLAUSE]

CONCHITA, JUANITA...
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOB DYLAN.
[APPLAUSE]

BOB DYLAN.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ YOU MAY BE AN AMBASSADOR
TO ENGLAND OR FRANCE ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO GAMBLE ♪

TO ENGLAND OR FRANCE ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO GAMBLE ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DANCE ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO GAMBLE ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DANCE ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE THE HEAVYWEIGHT

♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DANCE ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE THE HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPION OF THE WORLD ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE THE HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPION OF THE WORLD ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A SOCIALITE

CHAMPION OF THE WORLD ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A SOCIALITE
WITH A LONG STRING OF PEARLS ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE A SOCIALITE
WITH A LONG STRING OF PEARLS ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

WITH A LONG STRING OF PEARLS ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU HAVE TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU'RE A ROCK N' ROLL

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU'RE A ROCK N' ROLL
ADDICT PRANCING ON THE STAGE ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU'RE A ROCK N' ROLL
ADDICT PRANCING ON THE STAGE ♪
♪ MIGHT HAVE DRUGS AT

ADDICT PRANCING ON THE STAGE ♪
♪ MIGHT HAVE DRUGS AT
YOUR COMMAND ♪

♪ MIGHT HAVE DRUGS AT
YOUR COMMAND ♪
♪ WOMEN IN A CAGE ♪

YOUR COMMAND ♪
♪ WOMEN IN A CAGE ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A BUSINESS MAN

♪ WOMEN IN A CAGE ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A BUSINESS MAN
OR SOME HIGH DEGREE THIEF ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE A BUSINESS MAN
OR SOME HIGH DEGREE THIEF ♪
♪ THEY MAY CALL YOU DOCTOR

OR SOME HIGH DEGREE THIEF ♪
♪ THEY MAY CALL YOU DOCTOR
OR THEY MAY CALL YOU CHIEF ♪

♪ THEY MAY CALL YOU DOCTOR
OR THEY MAY CALL YOU CHIEF ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

OR THEY MAY CALL YOU CHIEF ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A STATE TROOPER ♪

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A STATE TROOPER ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A YOUNG TURK ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE A STATE TROOPER ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A YOUNG TURK ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE THE HEAD OF

♪ YOU MAY BE A YOUNG TURK ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE THE HEAD OF
SOME BIG T.V. NETWORK ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE THE HEAD OF
SOME BIG T.V. NETWORK ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE RICH OR POOR ♪

SOME BIG T.V. NETWORK ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE RICH OR POOR ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE BLIND OR LAME ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE RICH OR POOR ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE BLIND OR LAME ♪
♪ MAYBE LIVING IN

♪ YOU MAY BE BLIND OR LAME ♪
♪ MAYBE LIVING IN
ANOTHER COUNTRY

♪ MAYBE LIVING IN
ANOTHER COUNTRY
UNDER ANOTHER NAME ♪

ANOTHER COUNTRY
UNDER ANOTHER NAME ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

UNDER ANOTHER NAME ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
[♪...]

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD) ♪

♪ (IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD) ♪
♪ (BUT YOU GOT TO

(OR IT MAY BE THE LORD) ♪
♪ (BUT YOU GOT TO
SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

♪ (BUT YOU GOT TO
SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A CONSTRUCTION

(SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE A CONSTRUCTION
WORKER WORKING ON A HOME ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE A CONSTRUCTION
WORKER WORKING ON A HOME ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE LIVING

WORKER WORKING ON A HOME ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE LIVING
IN A MANSION

♪ YOU MAY BE LIVING
IN A MANSION
OR YOU MIGHT LIVE IN A DOME ♪

IN A MANSION
OR YOU MIGHT LIVE IN A DOME ♪
♪ YOU MAY OWN GUNS ♪

OR YOU MIGHT LIVE IN A DOME ♪
♪ YOU MAY OWN GUNS ♪
♪ YOU MAY EVEN OWN TANKS ♪

♪ YOU MAY OWN GUNS ♪
♪ YOU MAY EVEN OWN TANKS ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE SOMEBODY'S

♪ YOU MAY EVEN OWN TANKS ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE SOMEBODY'S
LANDLORD ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE SOMEBODY'S
LANDLORD ♪
♪ MAYBE EVEN OWN BANKS ♪

LANDLORD ♪
♪ MAYBE EVEN OWN BANKS ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

♪ MAYBE EVEN OWN BANKS ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ MIGHT LIKE TO WEAR COTTON ♪

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ MIGHT LIKE TO WEAR COTTON ♪
♪ MIGHT LIKE TO WEAR SILK ♪

♪ MIGHT LIKE TO WEAR COTTON ♪
♪ MIGHT LIKE TO WEAR SILK ♪
♪ MIGHT LIKE TO DRINK WHISKEY ♪

♪ MIGHT LIKE TO WEAR SILK ♪
♪ MIGHT LIKE TO DRINK WHISKEY ♪
♪ MIGHT LIKE TO DRINK MILK ♪

♪ MIGHT LIKE TO DRINK WHISKEY ♪
♪ MIGHT LIKE TO DRINK MILK ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE RICH OR POOR ♪

♪ MIGHT LIKE TO DRINK MILK ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE RICH OR POOR ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE BLIND OR LAME ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE RICH OR POOR ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE BLIND OR LAME ♪
♪ MAYBE LIVING IN

♪ YOU MAY BE BLIND OR LAME ♪
♪ MAYBE LIVING IN
ANOTHER COUNTRY

♪ MAYBE LIVING IN
ANOTHER COUNTRY
UNDER ANOTHER NAME ♪

ANOTHER COUNTRY
UNDER ANOTHER NAME ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

UNDER ANOTHER NAME ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

♪ YOU HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
[♪...]

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD) ♪

♪ (IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD) ♪
♪ (BUT YOU GOT TO

(OR IT MAY BE THE LORD) ♪
♪ (BUT YOU GOT TO
SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

♪ (BUT YOU GOT TO
SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME TERRY ♪

(SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME TERRY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME JIMMY ♪

♪ YOU MAY CALL ME TERRY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME JIMMY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME BOBBY ♪

♪ YOU MAY CALL ME JIMMY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME BOBBY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME DIMMY ♪

♪ YOU MAY CALL ME BOBBY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME DIMMY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME R.J. ♪

♪ YOU MAY CALL ME DIMMY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME R.J. ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME RAY ♪

♪ YOU MAY CALL ME R.J. ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME RAY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME ANYTHING ♪

♪ YOU MAY CALL ME RAY ♪
♪ YOU MAY CALL ME ANYTHING ♪
♪ NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY ♪

♪ YOU MAY CALL ME ANYTHING ♪
♪ NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY ♪
♪ STILL GOT TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY ♪
♪ STILL GOT TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

♪ STILL GOT TO SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU GOT TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU GOT TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU GOT TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
[♪...]

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

♪ (SERVE SOMEBODY) ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪

♪ IT MAY BE THE DEVIL
OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO

OR IT MAY BE THE LORD ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]
HOW MANY TIMES HAS
THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?

HOW MANY TIMES HAS
THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU'RE ON YOU WAY TO BUCKINGHAM

THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU'RE ON YOU WAY TO BUCKINGHAM
PALACE WHEN YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE

YOU'RE ON YOU WAY TO BUCKINGHAM
PALACE WHEN YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE
OF A LUSCIOUS, DESIRABLE GIRL.

PALACE WHEN YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE
OF A LUSCIOUS, DESIRABLE GIRL.
FOR A MOMENT YOU CONSIDER ASKING

OF A LUSCIOUS, DESIRABLE GIRL.
FOR A MOMENT YOU CONSIDER ASKING
YOUR DRIVER TO STOP BUT YOU

FOR A MOMENT YOU CONSIDER ASKING
YOUR DRIVER TO STOP BUT YOU
HESITATE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T THINK

YOUR DRIVER TO STOP BUT YOU
HESITATE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING TO SAY TO THIS

HESITATE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING TO SAY TO THIS
GORGEOUS CREATURE.

OF ANYTHING TO SAY TO THIS
GORGEOUS CREATURE.
SUDDENLY, YOU TURN THE CORNER

GORGEOUS CREATURE.
SUDDENLY, YOU TURN THE CORNER
AND THE LOVELY FOX IS OUT OF

SUDDENLY, YOU TURN THE CORNER
AND THE LOVELY FOX IS OUT OF
YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

AND THE LOVELY FOX IS OUT OF
YOUR LIFE FOREVER.
HELLO, I'M PRINCE CHARLES.

YOUR LIFE FOREVER.
HELLO, I'M PRINCE CHARLES.
[LAUGHTER]

HELLO, I'M PRINCE CHARLES.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS WAS ALL TOO COMMON AN

[LAUGHTER]
THIS WAS ALL TOO COMMON AN
EXPERIENCE FOR ME UNTIL I

THIS WAS ALL TOO COMMON AN
EXPERIENCE FOR ME UNTIL I
DISCOVERED THAT PICKING UP

EXPERIENCE FOR ME UNTIL I
DISCOVERED THAT PICKING UP
SEXY GIRLS CAN BE A CINCH.

DISCOVERED THAT PICKING UP
SEXY GIRLS CAN BE A CINCH.
LOOK AT ME... I'M NOT

SEXY GIRLS CAN BE A CINCH.
LOOK AT ME... I'M NOT
TERRIBLY BRIGHT OR ATHLETIC

LOOK AT ME... I'M NOT
TERRIBLY BRIGHT OR ATHLETIC
OR EVEN HANDSOME.

TERRIBLY BRIGHT OR ATHLETIC
OR EVEN HANDSOME.
I'M DANGEROUSLY INBRED

OR EVEN HANDSOME.
I'M DANGEROUSLY INBRED
AND HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

I'M DANGEROUSLY INBRED
AND HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
[LAUGHTER]

AND HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
[LAUGHTER]
AND YET, I HAVE NO TROUBLE

[LAUGHTER]
AND YET, I HAVE NO TROUBLE
PICKING UP ATTRACTIVE GIRLS.

AND YET, I HAVE NO TROUBLE
PICKING UP ATTRACTIVE GIRLS.
HOW?

PICKING UP ATTRACTIVE GIRLS.
HOW?
BY USING MY TECHNIQUE,

HOW?
BY USING MY TECHNIQUE,
NOW AVAILABLE TO YOU

BY USING MY TECHNIQUE,
NOW AVAILABLE TO YOU
IN THIS BOOK:

NOW AVAILABLE TO YOU
IN THIS BOOK:
"PRINCE CHARLES TELLS YOU

IN THIS BOOK:
"PRINCE CHARLES TELLS YOU
HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS".

"PRINCE CHARLES TELLS YOU
HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS".
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS".
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
INCLUDED ARE 50 TRIED AND TRUE

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
INCLUDED ARE 50 TRIED AND TRUE
OPENING LINES.

INCLUDED ARE 50 TRIED AND TRUE
OPENING LINES.
YOU'LL LEARN LINES TO

OPENING LINES.
YOU'LL LEARN LINES TO
EXCITE HER INTERESTS.

YOU'LL LEARN LINES TO
EXCITE HER INTERESTS.
HI, I'M HEIR TO THE

EXCITE HER INTERESTS.
HI, I'M HEIR TO THE
THRONE OF ENGLAND!

HI, I'M HEIR TO THE
THRONE OF ENGLAND!
AND LATELY I'VE BEEN

THRONE OF ENGLAND!
AND LATELY I'VE BEEN
THINKING OF MARRIAGE.

AND LATELY I'VE BEEN
THINKING OF MARRIAGE.
CAN I PUT SOME... SUNTAN LOTION

THINKING OF MARRIAGE.
CAN I PUT SOME... SUNTAN LOTION
ON YOUR BACK?

CAN I PUT SOME... SUNTAN LOTION
ON YOUR BACK?
SURE, LET ME UNDO THE STRAPS

ON YOUR BACK?
SURE, LET ME UNDO THE STRAPS
SO YOU CAN GET IT ALL AROUND.

SURE, LET ME UNDO THE STRAPS
SO YOU CAN GET IT ALL AROUND.
Prince Charles: OFFBEAT,

SO YOU CAN GET IT ALL AROUND.
Prince Charles: OFFBEAT,
SEXY LINES...

Prince Charles: OFFBEAT,
SEXY LINES...
HAVE YOU EVER MADE LOVE ON

SEXY LINES...
HAVE YOU EVER MADE LOVE ON
ONE OF THE FIVE EXISTING COPIES

HAVE YOU EVER MADE LOVE ON
ONE OF THE FIVE EXISTING COPIES
OF THE MAGNA CARTA?

ONE OF THE FIVE EXISTING COPIES
OF THE MAGNA CARTA?
BOY, I'D LOVE TO!

OF THE MAGNA CARTA?
BOY, I'D LOVE TO!
MEDIEVAL HISTORY MAKES ME HOT.

BOY, I'D LOVE TO!
MEDIEVAL HISTORY MAKES ME HOT.
Prince Charles: AND LINES TO

MEDIEVAL HISTORY MAKES ME HOT.
Prince Charles: AND LINES TO
AROUSE HER MATERNAL INSTINCT.

Prince Charles: AND LINES TO
AROUSE HER MATERNAL INSTINCT.
EXCUSE ME, MY GREAT UNCLE

AROUSE HER MATERNAL INSTINCT.
EXCUSE ME, MY GREAT UNCLE
WAS JUST BLOWN UP BY

EXCUSE ME, MY GREAT UNCLE
WAS JUST BLOWN UP BY
IRISH TERRORISTS.

WAS JUST BLOWN UP BY
IRISH TERRORISTS.
[LAUGHTER]

IRISH TERRORISTS.
[LAUGHTER]
I JUST DON'T WANNA BE

[LAUGHTER]
I JUST DON'T WANNA BE
ALONE TONIGHT.

I JUST DON'T WANNA BE
ALONE TONIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]

ALONE TONIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, YOU POOR MAN.

[LAUGHTER]
OH, YOU POOR MAN.
WHY DON'T YOU LET ME LEAD YOU

OH, YOU POOR MAN.
WHY DON'T YOU LET ME LEAD YOU
HOME AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME LEAD YOU
HOME AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL
MY HOT MONKEY LOVE.

HOME AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL
MY HOT MONKEY LOVE.
[LAUGHTER]

MY HOT MONKEY LOVE.
[LAUGHTER]
PLUS, YOU'LL LEARN PLACES

[LAUGHTER]
PLUS, YOU'LL LEARN PLACES
TO PICK UP THE BEST OF GIRLS.

PLUS, YOU'LL LEARN PLACES
TO PICK UP THE BEST OF GIRLS.
PLACES LIKE ENGLAND, SCOTLAND,

TO PICK UP THE BEST OF GIRLS.
PLACES LIKE ENGLAND, SCOTLAND,
NORTHERN IRELAND, AND SOME

PLACES LIKE ENGLAND, SCOTLAND,
NORTHERN IRELAND, AND SOME
OF THE OTHER LITTLE COUNTRIES

NORTHERN IRELAND, AND SOME
OF THE OTHER LITTLE COUNTRIES
WE HAVE LEFT.

OF THE OTHER LITTLE COUNTRIES
WE HAVE LEFT.
SO, WHY SIT ALONE IN YOUR

WE HAVE LEFT.
SO, WHY SIT ALONE IN YOUR
CHAMBERS CHOKING THE CHICKEN?

SO, WHY SIT ALONE IN YOUR
CHAMBERS CHOKING THE CHICKEN?
WHEN THERE ARE MILLIONS OF

CHAMBERS CHOKING THE CHICKEN?
WHEN THERE ARE MILLIONS OF
STUNNING GIRLS WAITING TO MEET

WHEN THERE ARE MILLIONS OF
STUNNING GIRLS WAITING TO MEET
THE HANOVERIAN HUNK.

STUNNING GIRLS WAITING TO MEET
THE HANOVERIAN HUNK.
SO DON'T FAIL TO OBTAIN YOUR

THE HANOVERIAN HUNK.
SO DON'T FAIL TO OBTAIN YOUR
COPY OF "PRINCE CHARLES TELLS

SO DON'T FAIL TO OBTAIN YOUR
COPY OF "PRINCE CHARLES TELLS
YOU HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN".

COPY OF "PRINCE CHARLES TELLS
YOU HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN".
NOW AVAILABLE IN GOLD LEAF,

YOU HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN".
NOW AVAILABLE IN GOLD LEAF,
LEATHER-BOUND OR PAPERBACK.

NOW AVAILABLE IN GOLD LEAF,
LEATHER-BOUND OR PAPERBACK.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS

NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN.

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
NEW EVIDENCE REVEALED THIS WEEK

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
NEW EVIDENCE REVEALED THIS WEEK
MAY FORCE THE EXHUMING OF THE

NEW EVIDENCE REVEALED THIS WEEK
MAY FORCE THE EXHUMING OF THE
BODY OF LEE HARVEY OSWALD.

MAY FORCE THE EXHUMING OF THE
BODY OF LEE HARVEY OSWALD.
DISCREPANCIES BETWEEN AUTOPSY

BODY OF LEE HARVEY OSWALD.
DISCREPANCIES BETWEEN AUTOPSY
REPORTS AND OSWALD'S MARINE

DISCREPANCIES BETWEEN AUTOPSY
REPORTS AND OSWALD'S MARINE
RECORDS HAVE LED SOME TO BELIEVE

REPORTS AND OSWALD'S MARINE
RECORDS HAVE LED SOME TO BELIEVE
THAT THE MAN OCCUPYING OSWALD'S

RECORDS HAVE LED SOME TO BELIEVE
THAT THE MAN OCCUPYING OSWALD'S
GRAVE WAS AN AGENT OF THE K.G.B.

THAT THE MAN OCCUPYING OSWALD'S
GRAVE WAS AN AGENT OF THE K.G.B.
AFTER HEARING THIS, SENATOR TED

GRAVE WAS AN AGENT OF THE K.G.B.
AFTER HEARING THIS, SENATOR TED
KENNEDY SAID, "IF IT'S NOT

AFTER HEARING THIS, SENATOR TED
KENNEDY SAID, "IF IT'S NOT
OSWALD, I'M NOT RUNNING."

KENNEDY SAID, "IF IT'S NOT
OSWALD, I'M NOT RUNNING."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]

OSWALD, I'M NOT RUNNING."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]
FOLLOWING A FALSE REPORT THAT

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]
FOLLOWING A FALSE REPORT THAT
SOVIET PRESIDENT LEONID BREZHNEV

FOLLOWING A FALSE REPORT THAT
SOVIET PRESIDENT LEONID BREZHNEV
HAD DIED, A COMMUNIST PARTY

SOVIET PRESIDENT LEONID BREZHNEV
HAD DIED, A COMMUNIST PARTY
OFFICIAL SAID, QUOTE, "WITH

HAD DIED, A COMMUNIST PARTY
OFFICIAL SAID, QUOTE, "WITH
RUMORS LIKE THAT, HE SHOULD

OFFICIAL SAID, QUOTE, "WITH
RUMORS LIKE THAT, HE SHOULD
LIVE FOR A HUNDRED YEARS."

RUMORS LIKE THAT, HE SHOULD
LIVE FOR A HUNDRED YEARS."
END QUOTE.

LIVE FOR A HUNDRED YEARS."
END QUOTE.
MEANWHILE, BREZHNEV, TO SHOW

END QUOTE.
MEANWHILE, BREZHNEV, TO SHOW
THAT HE WAS STILL HEALTHY AND

MEANWHILE, BREZHNEV, TO SHOW
THAT HE WAS STILL HEALTHY AND
ACTIVE... POSED FOR THIS

THAT HE WAS STILL HEALTHY AND
ACTIVE... POSED FOR THIS
PICTURE LIFTING FOREIGN MINISTER

ACTIVE... POSED FOR THIS
PICTURE LIFTING FOREIGN MINISTER
ANDREI GROMYKO WHILE PICKING THE

PICTURE LIFTING FOREIGN MINISTER
ANDREI GROMYKO WHILE PICKING THE
POCKET OF WEST GERMAN CHANCELLOR

ANDREI GROMYKO WHILE PICKING THE
POCKET OF WEST GERMAN CHANCELLOR
HELMUT SCHMIDT.

POCKET OF WEST GERMAN CHANCELLOR
HELMUT SCHMIDT.
AND, IN A RELATED STORY,

HELMUT SCHMIDT.
AND, IN A RELATED STORY,
MOSCOW CORRESPONDENTS ARE

AND, IN A RELATED STORY,
MOSCOW CORRESPONDENTS ARE
PUZZLED OVER WHY BREZHNEV IS

MOSCOW CORRESPONDENTS ARE
PUZZLED OVER WHY BREZHNEV IS
BAREFOOT ON THE COVER

PUZZLED OVER WHY BREZHNEV IS
BAREFOOT ON THE COVER
OF HIS NEW ALBUM.

BAREFOOT ON THE COVER
OF HIS NEW ALBUM.
THEY ALSO CLAIM THAT IF THE TAPE

OF HIS NEW ALBUM.
THEY ALSO CLAIM THAT IF THE TAPE
OF LAST WEEK'S POLITBURO MEETING

THEY ALSO CLAIM THAT IF THE TAPE
OF LAST WEEK'S POLITBURO MEETING
IS PLAYED BACKWARDS, A PARTY

OF LAST WEEK'S POLITBURO MEETING
IS PLAYED BACKWARDS, A PARTY
SECRETARY CAN BE HEARD

IS PLAYED BACKWARDS, A PARTY
SECRETARY CAN BE HEARD
MUTTERING, "I BURIED LEONID."

SECRETARY CAN BE HEARD
MUTTERING, "I BURIED LEONID."
[LAUGHTER]

MUTTERING, "I BURIED LEONID."
[LAUGHTER]
MOTHER TERESA, THE NUN WHOSE

[LAUGHTER]
MOTHER TERESA, THE NUN WHOSE
WORK IN THE SLUMS OF CALCUTTA

MOTHER TERESA, THE NUN WHOSE
WORK IN THE SLUMS OF CALCUTTA
WON HER THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE,

WORK IN THE SLUMS OF CALCUTTA
WON HER THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE,
HAS ALREADY DECIDED HOW SHE'LL

WON HER THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE,
HAS ALREADY DECIDED HOW SHE'LL
SPEND HER PRIZE MONEY.

HAS ALREADY DECIDED HOW SHE'LL
SPEND HER PRIZE MONEY.
THIS WEEK SHE GOES SHOPPING FOR

SPEND HER PRIZE MONEY.
THIS WEEK SHE GOES SHOPPING FOR
A MERCEDES 450 AND THEN PLANS

THIS WEEK SHE GOES SHOPPING FOR
A MERCEDES 450 AND THEN PLANS
TO, QUOTE, "GET THE HELL OUT OF

A MERCEDES 450 AND THEN PLANS
TO, QUOTE, "GET THE HELL OUT OF
THIS JERKWATER TOWN."

TO, QUOTE, "GET THE HELL OUT OF
THIS JERKWATER TOWN."
END QUOTE.

THIS JERKWATER TOWN."
END QUOTE.
BILL?

END QUOTE.
BILL?
IT TOOK SIX DAYS TO COUNT ALL

BILL?
IT TOOK SIX DAYS TO COUNT ALL
THE VOTES IN LAST SATURDAY'S

IT TOOK SIX DAYS TO COUNT ALL
THE VOTES IN LAST SATURDAY'S
NON-BINDING FLORIDA CAUCUS

THE VOTES IN LAST SATURDAY'S
NON-BINDING FLORIDA CAUCUS
ELECTIONS AND THE WINNER WAS

NON-BINDING FLORIDA CAUCUS
ELECTIONS AND THE WINNER WAS
FINALLY ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY.

ELECTIONS AND THE WINNER WAS
FINALLY ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY.
JIMMY CARTER DEFEATED SENATOR

FINALLY ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY.
JIMMY CARTER DEFEATED SENATOR
EDWARD KENNEDY BY A 2 TO 1

JIMMY CARTER DEFEATED SENATOR
EDWARD KENNEDY BY A 2 TO 1
MARGIN IN AN ELECTION THAT DREW

EDWARD KENNEDY BY A 2 TO 1
MARGIN IN AN ELECTION THAT DREW
FEW VOTERS AND HAD

MARGIN IN AN ELECTION THAT DREW
FEW VOTERS AND HAD
NO OFFICIAL EFFECT.

FEW VOTERS AND HAD
NO OFFICIAL EFFECT.
THE PRE-CAMPAIGN SCENE NOW HAS

NO OFFICIAL EFFECT.
THE PRE-CAMPAIGN SCENE NOW HAS
SHIFTED TO ENGLAND AND FOR A

THE PRE-CAMPAIGN SCENE NOW HAS
SHIFTED TO ENGLAND AND FOR A
LIVE REPORT, HERE'S WEEKEND

SHIFTED TO ENGLAND AND FOR A
LIVE REPORT, HERE'S WEEKEND
UPDATE POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT

LIVE REPORT, HERE'S WEEKEND
UPDATE POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT
GERALD HACKER, IN LONDON.

BILL, THE IDEA OF FOREIGNERS
VOTING FOR AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL
HOPEFULS IS A NEW ONE.

VOTING FOR AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL
HOPEFULS IS A NEW ONE.
BUT IT SEEMS TO HAVE CAUGHT ON

HOPEFULS IS A NEW ONE.
BUT IT SEEMS TO HAVE CAUGHT ON
IN NORTH DORKING, A TOWN OF

BUT IT SEEMS TO HAVE CAUGHT ON
IN NORTH DORKING, A TOWN OF
22,000, SOUTHWEST OF LONDON.

IN NORTH DORKING, A TOWN OF
22,000, SOUTHWEST OF LONDON.
TODAY'S NORTH DORKING STRAW VOTE

22,000, SOUTHWEST OF LONDON.
TODAY'S NORTH DORKING STRAW VOTE
WAS ORGANIZED BY A YOUNG

TODAY'S NORTH DORKING STRAW VOTE
WAS ORGANIZED BY A YOUNG
ENGLISHWOMAN WHOSE PREVIOUS

WAS ORGANIZED BY A YOUNG
ENGLISHWOMAN WHOSE PREVIOUS
POLITICAL EXPERIENCE WAS LIMITED

ENGLISHWOMAN WHOSE PREVIOUS
POLITICAL EXPERIENCE WAS LIMITED
TO READING THE EUROPEAN EDITION

POLITICAL EXPERIENCE WAS LIMITED
TO READING THE EUROPEAN EDITION
OF TIME MAGAZINE.

TO READING THE EUROPEAN EDITION
OF TIME MAGAZINE.
IF THE STATES GET A REALLY

OF TIME MAGAZINE.
IF THE STATES GET A REALLY
DREADFUL PRESIDENT, IT'S NOT

IF THE STATES GET A REALLY
DREADFUL PRESIDENT, IT'S NOT
JUST YOU PEOPLE WHO SUFFER,

DREADFUL PRESIDENT, IT'S NOT
JUST YOU PEOPLE WHO SUFFER,
IS IT?

JUST YOU PEOPLE WHO SUFFER,
IS IT?
I MEAN, WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE

IS IT?
I MEAN, WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE
WITH HIM, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE
WITH HIM, YOU KNOW.
SO I WAS THINKING, WHY NOT GIVE

WITH HIM, YOU KNOW.
SO I WAS THINKING, WHY NOT GIVE
SOME ENGLISHMEN A CHANCE

SO I WAS THINKING, WHY NOT GIVE
SOME ENGLISHMEN A CHANCE
TO HAVE A VOTE ON IT.

SOME ENGLISHMEN A CHANCE
TO HAVE A VOTE ON IT.
MAYBE AT THE SAME TIME, THAT'LL

TO HAVE A VOTE ON IT.
MAYBE AT THE SAME TIME, THAT'LL
ATTRACT A LOT OF AMERICANS OVER

MAYBE AT THE SAME TIME, THAT'LL
ATTRACT A LOT OF AMERICANS OVER
HERE AND DO SOMETHING FOR THE

ATTRACT A LOT OF AMERICANS OVER
HERE AND DO SOMETHING FOR THE
ECONOMY OF NORTH DORKING.

HERE AND DO SOMETHING FOR THE
ECONOMY OF NORTH DORKING.
I HEARD ABOUT WHAT MISS

ECONOMY OF NORTH DORKING.
I HEARD ABOUT WHAT MISS
ELLIOT WAS DOING WHEN I WAS OVER

I HEARD ABOUT WHAT MISS
ELLIOT WAS DOING WHEN I WAS OVER
HERE, UH, MAKING SOME

ELLIOT WAS DOING WHEN I WAS OVER
HERE, UH, MAKING SOME
ARRANGEMENTS FOR MEAT LOAF'S

HERE, UH, MAKING SOME
ARRANGEMENTS FOR MEAT LOAF'S
FIRST EUROPEAN TOUR AND, UH,

ARRANGEMENTS FOR MEAT LOAF'S
FIRST EUROPEAN TOUR AND, UH,
I BECAME INTERESTED FROM THE

FIRST EUROPEAN TOUR AND, UH,
I BECAME INTERESTED FROM THE
STANDPOINT OF SETTING UP A

I BECAME INTERESTED FROM THE
STANDPOINT OF SETTING UP A
COMMITTEE WHICH WOULD, BY ITS

STANDPOINT OF SETTING UP A
COMMITTEE WHICH WOULD, BY ITS
VERY NATURE, DRAW SOME FINANCIAL

COMMITTEE WHICH WOULD, BY ITS
VERY NATURE, DRAW SOME FINANCIAL
SUPPORT FROM, UH, SOURCES WHO

VERY NATURE, DRAW SOME FINANCIAL
SUPPORT FROM, UH, SOURCES WHO
WERE INTERESTED IN SEEING

SUPPORT FROM, UH, SOURCES WHO
WERE INTERESTED IN SEEING
SENATOR KENNEDY DEFEAT PRESIDENT

WERE INTERESTED IN SEEING
SENATOR KENNEDY DEFEAT PRESIDENT
CARTER IN SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE,

SENATOR KENNEDY DEFEAT PRESIDENT
CARTER IN SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE,
UH, AT SOME POINT IN THE

CARTER IN SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE,
UH, AT SOME POINT IN THE
PRESENT, AND OF COURSE, UH,

UH, AT SOME POINT IN THE
PRESENT, AND OF COURSE, UH,
THOSE FUNDS WOULD GO - TO ME.

PRESENT, AND OF COURSE, UH,
THOSE FUNDS WOULD GO - TO ME.
[LAUGHTER]

THOSE FUNDS WOULD GO - TO ME.
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN CARTER ADMINISTRATION

[LAUGHTER]
WHEN CARTER ADMINISTRATION
OFFICIALS BECAME AWARE OF

WHEN CARTER ADMINISTRATION
OFFICIALS BECAME AWARE OF
KREUTZMAN'S ACTIVITIES ON BEHALF

OFFICIALS BECAME AWARE OF
KREUTZMAN'S ACTIVITIES ON BEHALF
OF KENNEDY, THEY SPRANG

KREUTZMAN'S ACTIVITIES ON BEHALF
OF KENNEDY, THEY SPRANG
INTO ACTION.

OF KENNEDY, THEY SPRANG
INTO ACTION.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, DEFENSE

INTO ACTION.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, DEFENSE
SECRETARY HAROLD BROWN VISITED

EARLIER THIS WEEK, DEFENSE
SECRETARY HAROLD BROWN VISITED
NORTH DORKING, PROMISING THAT IF

SECRETARY HAROLD BROWN VISITED
NORTH DORKING, PROMISING THAT IF
THE PENTAGON EVER HAS TO BE

NORTH DORKING, PROMISING THAT IF
THE PENTAGON EVER HAS TO BE
MOVED OUTSIDE THE CONTINENTAL

THE PENTAGON EVER HAS TO BE
MOVED OUTSIDE THE CONTINENTAL
UNITED STATES FOR SECURITY

MOVED OUTSIDE THE CONTINENTAL
UNITED STATES FOR SECURITY
REASONS, NORTH DORKING WOULD

UNITED STATES FOR SECURITY
REASONS, NORTH DORKING WOULD
RECEIVE THE HIGHEST

REASONS, NORTH DORKING WOULD
RECEIVE THE HIGHEST
CONSIDERATION AS AN

RECEIVE THE HIGHEST
CONSIDERATION AS AN
ALTERNATIVE SITE.

CONSIDERATION AS AN
ALTERNATIVE SITE.
THAT CONSTRUCTION PROJECT COULD

ALTERNATIVE SITE.
THAT CONSTRUCTION PROJECT COULD
PUMP AS MUCH AS $200 BILLION

THAT CONSTRUCTION PROJECT COULD
PUMP AS MUCH AS $200 BILLION
DOLLARS INTO THE LOCAL ECONOMY.

PUMP AS MUCH AS $200 BILLION
DOLLARS INTO THE LOCAL ECONOMY.
THEN NORTH DORKING VOTED.

DOLLARS INTO THE LOCAL ECONOMY.
THEN NORTH DORKING VOTED.
AS IN FLORIDA, THE TURNOUT

THEN NORTH DORKING VOTED.
AS IN FLORIDA, THE TURNOUT
WAS SMALL BUT VOCAL.

AS IN FLORIDA, THE TURNOUT
WAS SMALL BUT VOCAL.
ESPECIALLY AFTER VOTERS WERE

WAS SMALL BUT VOCAL.
ESPECIALLY AFTER VOTERS WERE
REPEATEDLY ASKED TO SAY

ESPECIALLY AFTER VOTERS WERE
REPEATEDLY ASKED TO SAY
SOMETHING.

REPEATEDLY ASKED TO SAY
SOMETHING.
WELL, HE'S A KENNEDY,

SOMETHING.
WELL, HE'S A KENNEDY,
ISN'T HE?

WELL, HE'S A KENNEDY,
ISN'T HE?
I MEAN, HE'S NOT THE KENNEDY

ISN'T HE?
I MEAN, HE'S NOT THE KENNEDY
BUT HE'S A KENNEDY.

I MEAN, HE'S NOT THE KENNEDY
BUT HE'S A KENNEDY.
ISN'T HE?

BUT HE'S A KENNEDY.
ISN'T HE?
I LIKE MR. CARTER BEST.

ISN'T HE?
I LIKE MR. CARTER BEST.
I LIKE HIS SMILE, HIS BLUE EYES

I LIKE MR. CARTER BEST.
I LIKE HIS SMILE, HIS BLUE EYES
AND HE HASN'T GOT A DOG.

I LIKE HIS SMILE, HIS BLUE EYES
AND HE HASN'T GOT A DOG.
GIVE ME A MAN WITHOUT A DOG!

AND HE HASN'T GOT A DOG.
GIVE ME A MAN WITHOUT A DOG!
TODAY'S STRAW VOTE WAS

GIVE ME A MAN WITHOUT A DOG!
TODAY'S STRAW VOTE WAS
COMPLETELY UNOFFICIAL SO

TODAY'S STRAW VOTE WAS
COMPLETELY UNOFFICIAL SO
OFFICIAL RESULTS WILL BE

COMPLETELY UNOFFICIAL SO
OFFICIAL RESULTS WILL BE
HARD TO COME BY.

OFFICIAL RESULTS WILL BE
HARD TO COME BY.
BUT WHOEVER WINS, THE

HARD TO COME BY.
BUT WHOEVER WINS, THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENTUM

BUT WHOEVER WINS, THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENTUM
RESULTING FROM A VICTORY

PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENTUM
RESULTING FROM A VICTORY
SO FAR FROM HOME COULD HAVE

RESULTING FROM A VICTORY
SO FAR FROM HOME COULD HAVE
CRUCIAL IMPACT ON NEXT WEEK'S

SO FAR FROM HOME COULD HAVE
CRUCIAL IMPACT ON NEXT WEEK'S
KENNEDY-CARTER CONFRONTATION...

CRUCIAL IMPACT ON NEXT WEEK'S
KENNEDY-CARTER CONFRONTATION...
A TEN KILOMETER RUN SPONSORED

KENNEDY-CARTER CONFRONTATION...
A TEN KILOMETER RUN SPONSORED
BY THE WASHINGTON POST.

A TEN KILOMETER RUN SPONSORED
BY THE WASHINGTON POST.
BUT FOR NOW, THE BEST WE

BY THE WASHINGTON POST.
BUT FOR NOW, THE BEST WE
CAN SAY IS: WE DON'T KNOW

BUT FOR NOW, THE BEST WE
CAN SAY IS: WE DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT

CAN SAY IS: WE DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT
ANY OF THIS.

ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT
ANY OF THIS.
FROM LONDON, THIS IS

ANY OF THIS.
FROM LONDON, THIS IS
GERALD HACKER REPORTING

FROM LONDON, THIS IS
GERALD HACKER REPORTING
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE.

GERALD HACKER REPORTING
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE.
[APPLAUSE]

FOR WEEKEND UPDATE.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, GERALD.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, GERALD.
I'M SURE WE'LL BE HEARING

THANK YOU, GERALD.
I'M SURE WE'LL BE HEARING
A LOT FROM YOU.

I'M SURE WE'LL BE HEARING
A LOT FROM YOU.
GERALD R. FORD SAID YESTERDAY

A LOT FROM YOU.
GERALD R. FORD SAID YESTERDAY
THAT HE WILL NOT RUN

GERALD R. FORD SAID YESTERDAY
THAT HE WILL NOT RUN
FOR PRESIDENT IN 1980.

THAT HE WILL NOT RUN
FOR PRESIDENT IN 1980.
FORD SAID THAT HE THINKS

FOR PRESIDENT IN 1980.
FORD SAID THAT HE THINKS
PRESIDENT CARTER WILL BE

FORD SAID THAT HE THINKS
PRESIDENT CARTER WILL BE
REELECTED BECAUSE, QUOTE,

PRESIDENT CARTER WILL BE
REELECTED BECAUSE, QUOTE,
"AN INCUMBENT PRESIDENT WOULD

REELECTED BECAUSE, QUOTE,
"AN INCUMBENT PRESIDENT WOULD
HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT TO LOSE.

"AN INCUMBENT PRESIDENT WOULD
HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT TO LOSE.
THE INCUMBENCY IS A GREAT

HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT TO LOSE.
THE INCUMBENCY IS A GREAT
ADVANTAGE, I WISH I HAD IT

THE INCUMBENCY IS A GREAT
ADVANTAGE, I WISH I HAD IT
WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT."

ADVANTAGE, I WISH I HAD IT
WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT."
END QUOTE.

WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT."
END QUOTE.
[LAUGHTER]

END QUOTE.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THE MASQUERADE IS OVER.

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THE MASQUERADE IS OVER.
A DEJECTED MICK JAGGER LEFT A

WELL, THE MASQUERADE IS OVER.
A DEJECTED MICK JAGGER LEFT A
LONDON COURT THIS WEEK AFTER

A DEJECTED MICK JAGGER LEFT A
LONDON COURT THIS WEEK AFTER
LOSING A LONG BATTLE TO GET

LONDON COURT THIS WEEK AFTER
LOSING A LONG BATTLE TO GET
A DIVORCE FROM HIMSELF.

LOSING A LONG BATTLE TO GET
A DIVORCE FROM HIMSELF.
JAGGER, A GRADUATE OF THE LONDON

A DIVORCE FROM HIMSELF.
JAGGER, A GRADUATE OF THE LONDON
SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS, HOPED THAT

JAGGER, A GRADUATE OF THE LONDON
SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS, HOPED THAT
BY CREATING THE CHARACTER OF

SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS, HOPED THAT
BY CREATING THE CHARACTER OF
"BIANCA," HE COULD PAY HIMSELF

BY CREATING THE CHARACTER OF
"BIANCA," HE COULD PAY HIMSELF
ALIMONY AND REAP TREMENDOUS

"BIANCA," HE COULD PAY HIMSELF
ALIMONY AND REAP TREMENDOUS
TAX BENEFITS.

ALIMONY AND REAP TREMENDOUS
TAX BENEFITS.
[APPLAUSE]

TAX BENEFITS.
[APPLAUSE]
BUT, FOLLOWING THE VERDICT,

[APPLAUSE]
BUT, FOLLOWING THE VERDICT,
THE BRITISH ROCK STAR VOWED

BUT, FOLLOWING THE VERDICT,
THE BRITISH ROCK STAR VOWED
TO ABANDON THE CHARADE AND

THE BRITISH ROCK STAR VOWED
TO ABANDON THE CHARADE AND
PROMISED THE WORLD IT WOULD

TO ABANDON THE CHARADE AND
PROMISED THE WORLD IT WOULD
NEVER SEE BIANCA AGAIN.

PROMISED THE WORLD IT WOULD
NEVER SEE BIANCA AGAIN.
PRINCESS MARGARET, WHILE ON A

NEVER SEE BIANCA AGAIN.
PRINCESS MARGARET, WHILE ON A
VISIT TO CHICAGO LAST WEEK,

PRINCESS MARGARET, WHILE ON A
VISIT TO CHICAGO LAST WEEK,
SHOCKED THE GUESTS AT A DINNER

VISIT TO CHICAGO LAST WEEK,
SHOCKED THE GUESTS AT A DINNER
PARTY BY REFERRING TO

SHOCKED THE GUESTS AT A DINNER
PARTY BY REFERRING TO
THE IRISH AS "PIGS."

PARTY BY REFERRING TO
THE IRISH AS "PIGS."
THAT IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S

THE IRISH AS "PIGS."
THAT IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S
COMMENTARY BY BILL MURRAY.

THAT IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S
COMMENTARY BY BILL MURRAY.
SO THE IRISH ARE PIGS?

COMMENTARY BY BILL MURRAY.
SO THE IRISH ARE PIGS?
JAMES JOYCE, SEAN O'CASEY,

SO THE IRISH ARE PIGS?
JAMES JOYCE, SEAN O'CASEY,
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW... PIGS.

JAMES JOYCE, SEAN O'CASEY,
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW... PIGS.
WHAT ABOUT NOLAN RYAN?

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW... PIGS.
WHAT ABOUT NOLAN RYAN?
EDDIE MURRAY OF THE ORIOLES?

WHAT ABOUT NOLAN RYAN?
EDDIE MURRAY OF THE ORIOLES?
WILLIE STARGELL, BILL MADLOCK,

EDDIE MURRAY OF THE ORIOLES?
WILLIE STARGELL, BILL MADLOCK,
TIM FOLEY, WHO CAME OVER FROM

WILLIE STARGELL, BILL MADLOCK,
TIM FOLEY, WHO CAME OVER FROM
THE METS, WHAT A TRADE THAT

TIM FOLEY, WHO CAME OVER FROM
THE METS, WHAT A TRADE THAT
TURNED OUT FOR THE BUCKS.

THE METS, WHAT A TRADE THAT
TURNED OUT FOR THE BUCKS.
CHUCK CONNORS WITH THE CUBS AND

TURNED OUT FOR THE BUCKS.
CHUCK CONNORS WITH THE CUBS AND
THEN WENT TO "THE RIFLEMAN."

CHUCK CONNORS WITH THE CUBS AND
THEN WENT TO "THE RIFLEMAN."
MIKE CONNORS.

THEN WENT TO "THE RIFLEMAN."
MIKE CONNORS.
MIKE CONNORS, MANNIX.

MIKE CONNORS.
MIKE CONNORS, MANNIX.
I DON'T BELIEVE PRINCESS

MIKE CONNORS, MANNIX.
I DON'T BELIEVE PRINCESS
MARGARET THINKS MANNIX IS A PIG.

I DON'T BELIEVE PRINCESS
MARGARET THINKS MANNIX IS A PIG.
[LAUGHTER]

MARGARET THINKS MANNIX IS A PIG.
[LAUGHTER]
EVERYBODY'S VERY UPSET ABOUT IT

[LAUGHTER]
EVERYBODY'S VERY UPSET ABOUT IT
BUT I SAY, LET HER SLIDE

EVERYBODY'S VERY UPSET ABOUT IT
BUT I SAY, LET HER SLIDE
ON THIS.

BUT I SAY, LET HER SLIDE
ON THIS.
I MEAN, LET THE WOMAN SLIDE.

ON THIS.
I MEAN, LET THE WOMAN SLIDE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,

I MEAN, LET THE WOMAN SLIDE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
"BILL, YOU'RE IRISH."

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
"BILL, YOU'RE IRISH."
I'M 100% IRISH.

"BILL, YOU'RE IRISH."
I'M 100% IRISH.
I'M AN AMERICAN-

I'M 100% IRISH.
I'M AN AMERICAN-
BUT THE BLOOD IS GREEN.

I'M AN AMERICAN-
BUT THE BLOOD IS GREEN.
I SAY, LET HER SLIDE.

BUT THE BLOOD IS GREEN.
I SAY, LET HER SLIDE.
I MEAN, SHE WAS JUST 'FACED,

I SAY, LET HER SLIDE.
I MEAN, SHE WAS JUST 'FACED,
THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN, SHE WAS JUST 'FACED,
THAT'S ALL.
SHE WAS JUST 'FACED.

THAT'S ALL.
SHE WAS JUST 'FACED.
I MEAN, SHE HITS CHICAGO, SHE

SHE WAS JUST 'FACED.
I MEAN, SHE HITS CHICAGO, SHE
GOES OUT TO DINNER WITH SOME

I MEAN, SHE HITS CHICAGO, SHE
GOES OUT TO DINNER WITH SOME
WILD GREEN ANIMALS IN THAT TOWN,

GOES OUT TO DINNER WITH SOME
WILD GREEN ANIMALS IN THAT TOWN,
HAS A FEW COCKTAILS AND SHE JUST

WILD GREEN ANIMALS IN THAT TOWN,
HAS A FEW COCKTAILS AND SHE JUST
GETS 'FACED, YOU KNOW.

HAS A FEW COCKTAILS AND SHE JUST
GETS 'FACED, YOU KNOW.
SHE TURNS TO THE IRISH MAYOR OF

GETS 'FACED, YOU KNOW.
SHE TURNS TO THE IRISH MAYOR OF
CHICAGO, JANE BYRNE, SAYS THE

SHE TURNS TO THE IRISH MAYOR OF
CHICAGO, JANE BYRNE, SAYS THE
IRISH ARE PIGS.

CHICAGO, JANE BYRNE, SAYS THE
IRISH ARE PIGS.
TELL ME SHE WASN'T TOO

IRISH ARE PIGS.
TELL ME SHE WASN'T TOO
'FACED OR NOTHIN'.

TELL ME SHE WASN'T TOO
'FACED OR NOTHIN'.
NOT MUCH SHE WASN'T.

'FACED OR NOTHIN'.
NOT MUCH SHE WASN'T.
SO LET HER SLIDE.

NOT MUCH SHE WASN'T.
SO LET HER SLIDE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN SOMEBODY GETS

SO LET HER SLIDE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN SOMEBODY GETS
'FACED, YOU LET 'EM SLIDE ON

YOU KNOW, WHEN SOMEBODY GETS
'FACED, YOU LET 'EM SLIDE ON
THAT, ESPECIALLY, YOU KNOW,

'FACED, YOU LET 'EM SLIDE ON
THAT, ESPECIALLY, YOU KNOW,
A GIRL... WHEN THEY GET 'FACED.

THAT, ESPECIALLY, YOU KNOW,
A GIRL... WHEN THEY GET 'FACED.
AND, ESPECIALLY, A MEMBER OF

A GIRL... WHEN THEY GET 'FACED.
AND, ESPECIALLY, A MEMBER OF
THE ROYAL FAMILY, YOU KNOW?

AND, ESPECIALLY, A MEMBER OF
THE ROYAL FAMILY, YOU KNOW?
BACK IN ENGLAND, SHE'S THE

THE ROYAL FAMILY, YOU KNOW?
BACK IN ENGLAND, SHE'S THE
QUEEN'S SISTER.

BACK IN ENGLAND, SHE'S THE
QUEEN'S SISTER.
SHE CAN'T GET WEIRD AT ALL,

QUEEN'S SISTER.
SHE CAN'T GET WEIRD AT ALL,
YOU KNOW.

SHE CAN'T GET WEIRD AT ALL,
YOU KNOW.
AND, YOU KNOW, IF PEOPLE DON'T

YOU KNOW.
AND, YOU KNOW, IF PEOPLE DON'T
LET YOU GET WEIRD NOWADAYS, YOU

AND, YOU KNOW, IF PEOPLE DON'T
LET YOU GET WEIRD NOWADAYS, YOU
GET IRREVERSIBLY WEIRD, I THINK.

LET YOU GET WEIRD NOWADAYS, YOU
GET IRREVERSIBLY WEIRD, I THINK.
SO LET HER SLIDE!

GET IRREVERSIBLY WEIRD, I THINK.
SO LET HER SLIDE!
COME ON, THIS IS AMERICA.

SO LET HER SLIDE!
COME ON, THIS IS AMERICA.
LOOK... PRINCESS MARGARET

COME ON, THIS IS AMERICA.
LOOK... PRINCESS MARGARET
IS A PIG.

LOOK... PRINCESS MARGARET
IS A PIG.
SHE'S A SLUT, SHE'S A TRAMP,

IS A PIG.
SHE'S A SLUT, SHE'S A TRAMP,
SHE'S A SLIME BUCKET.

SHE'S A SLUT, SHE'S A TRAMP,
SHE'S A SLIME BUCKET.
[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S A SLIME BUCKET.
[LAUGHTER]
SO WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]
SO WHAT?
RIGHT, EXACTLY.

SO WHAT?
RIGHT, EXACTLY.
I CAN SAY THIS.

RIGHT, EXACTLY.
I CAN SAY THIS.
SHE'S LETTIN' ME SLIDE.

I CAN SAY THIS.
SHE'S LETTIN' ME SLIDE.
YOU KNOW WHY?

SHE'S LETTIN' ME SLIDE.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA.

YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA.
AND BECAUSE I AM 'FACED.

BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA.
AND BECAUSE I AM 'FACED.
I AM COMPLETELY 'FACED.

AND BECAUSE I AM 'FACED.
I AM COMPLETELY 'FACED.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS EVEN

I AM COMPLETELY 'FACED.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS EVEN
MAKIN' ANY SENSE.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS EVEN
MAKIN' ANY SENSE.
LISTEN, SHE WAS 'FACED.

MAKIN' ANY SENSE.
LISTEN, SHE WAS 'FACED.
I AM 'FACED.

LISTEN, SHE WAS 'FACED.
I AM 'FACED.
SO LET US BOTH SLIDE ON THIS.

I AM 'FACED.
SO LET US BOTH SLIDE ON THIS.
GOD, AM I 'FACED.

SO LET US BOTH SLIDE ON THIS.
GOD, AM I 'FACED.
JANE, ARE YOU AS 'FACED AS I AM?

GOD, AM I 'FACED.
JANE, ARE YOU AS 'FACED AS I AM?
I AM COMPLETELY 'FACED.

JANE, ARE YOU AS 'FACED AS I AM?
I AM COMPLETELY 'FACED.
YESTERDAY WAS AMY CARTER'S

I AM COMPLETELY 'FACED.
YESTERDAY WAS AMY CARTER'S
12th BIRTHDAY AND, AS USUAL,

YESTERDAY WAS AMY CARTER'S
12th BIRTHDAY AND, AS USUAL,
HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS HAD A

12th BIRTHDAY AND, AS USUAL,
HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS HAD A
TOUGH TIME PICKING...

HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS HAD A
TOUGH TIME PICKING...
I AM 'FACED!

TOUGH TIME PICKING...
I AM 'FACED!
[LAUGHTER]

I AM 'FACED!
[LAUGHTER]
YESTERDAY WAS - WAS AMY CARTER'S

[LAUGHTER]
YESTERDAY WAS - WAS AMY CARTER'S
12th BIRTHDAY AND, AS USUAL,

YESTERDAY WAS - WAS AMY CARTER'S
12th BIRTHDAY AND, AS USUAL,
HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS HAD A

12th BIRTHDAY AND, AS USUAL,
HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS HAD A
TOUGH TIME PICKING OUT THE

HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS HAD A
TOUGH TIME PICKING OUT THE
PROPER PRESENTS.

TOUGH TIME PICKING OUT THE
PROPER PRESENTS.
AFTER ALL, WHAT DO YOU GIVE A

PROPER PRESENTS.
AFTER ALL, WHAT DO YOU GIVE A
GIRL WHO HAS NOTHING?

AFTER ALL, WHAT DO YOU GIVE A
GIRL WHO HAS NOTHING?
JANE?

GIRL WHO HAS NOTHING?
JANE?
THIS WEEK, MANY COMMERCIAL

JANE?
THIS WEEK, MANY COMMERCIAL
BANKS BROUGHT BAD NEWS TO

THIS WEEK, MANY COMMERCIAL
BANKS BROUGHT BAD NEWS TO
PROSPECTIVE HOMEOWNERS BY

BANKS BROUGHT BAD NEWS TO
PROSPECTIVE HOMEOWNERS BY
RAISING THE MORTGAGE RATE

PROSPECTIVE HOMEOWNERS BY
RAISING THE MORTGAGE RATE
TO A RECORD 12%.

RAISING THE MORTGAGE RATE
TO A RECORD 12%.
THIS NO DOUBT WILL PREVENT

TO A RECORD 12%.
THIS NO DOUBT WILL PREVENT
THOUSANDS FROM PURCHASING A

THIS NO DOUBT WILL PREVENT
THOUSANDS FROM PURCHASING A
HOUSE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T

THOUSANDS FROM PURCHASING A
HOUSE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T
GET FINANCING.

HOUSE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T
GET FINANCING.
HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS

GET FINANCING.
HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS
SITUATION IS UPDATE'S ECONOMIC

HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS
SITUATION IS UPDATE'S ECONOMIC
ADVISOR, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.

SITUATION IS UPDATE'S ECONOMIC
ADVISOR, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ADVISOR, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT!
A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM

THANKS A LOT!
A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY

A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY
WRITES IN AND SAYS:

FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY
WRITES IN AND SAYS:
DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

WRITES IN AND SAYS:
DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
NEW JERSEY IS NO LONGER

DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
NEW JERSEY IS NO LONGER
MY CUP OF TEA.

NEW JERSEY IS NO LONGER
MY CUP OF TEA.
I HATE LIVIN' HERE, I HATE MY

MY CUP OF TEA.
I HATE LIVIN' HERE, I HATE MY
JOB, I HATE MY KIDS, I HATE

I HATE LIVIN' HERE, I HATE MY
JOB, I HATE MY KIDS, I HATE
THE GIANTS, I WANT TO MOVE,

JOB, I HATE MY KIDS, I HATE
THE GIANTS, I WANT TO MOVE,
I CAN'T GET A MORTGAGE,

THE GIANTS, I WANT TO MOVE,
I CAN'T GET A MORTGAGE,
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I CAN'T GET A MORTGAGE,
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WELL, MR. FEDER,

WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WELL, MR. FEDER,
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT

WELL, MR. FEDER,
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOIN' THROUGH 'CAUSE

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOIN' THROUGH 'CAUSE
THIS PAST SUMMER, I... ROSEANNE

YOU'RE GOIN' THROUGH 'CAUSE
THIS PAST SUMMER, I... ROSEANNE
ROSEANNADANNA... RENTED A HOUSE

THIS PAST SUMMER, I... ROSEANNE
ROSEANNADANNA... RENTED A HOUSE
THAT I COULDN'T AFFORD IN THIS

ROSEANNADANNA... RENTED A HOUSE
THAT I COULDN'T AFFORD IN THIS
REAL HOTSY-TOTSY PLACE CALLED

THAT I COULDN'T AFFORD IN THIS
REAL HOTSY-TOTSY PLACE CALLED
EAST HAMPTON.

REAL HOTSY-TOTSY PLACE CALLED
EAST HAMPTON.
EAST HAMPTON IS THIS CUTE TINY

EAST HAMPTON.
EAST HAMPTON IS THIS CUTE TINY
TOWN ON LONG ISLAND WHERE

EAST HAMPTON IS THIS CUTE TINY
TOWN ON LONG ISLAND WHERE
EVERYBODY WHO'S ANYBODY GOES

TOWN ON LONG ISLAND WHERE
EVERYBODY WHO'S ANYBODY GOES
TO SPEND THE SUMMER.

EVERYBODY WHO'S ANYBODY GOES
TO SPEND THE SUMMER.
AND I REALLY LOVE THOSE HAMPTONS

TO SPEND THE SUMMER.
AND I REALLY LOVE THOSE HAMPTONS
'CAUSE THE AIR IS CLEAN AND YOU

AND I REALLY LOVE THOSE HAMPTONS
'CAUSE THE AIR IS CLEAN AND YOU
GOT THE OCEAN AND THE TREES...

'CAUSE THE AIR IS CLEAN AND YOU
GOT THE OCEAN AND THE TREES...
PLUS, YOU GET TO SEE A LOT OF

GOT THE OCEAN AND THE TREES...
PLUS, YOU GET TO SEE A LOT OF
FAMOUS PEOPLE WEARIN' CUTE

PLUS, YOU GET TO SEE A LOT OF
FAMOUS PEOPLE WEARIN' CUTE
LITTLE WHITE SHORTS, JOGGIN' AND

FAMOUS PEOPLE WEARIN' CUTE
LITTLE WHITE SHORTS, JOGGIN' AND
RIDIN' BICYCLES AND SWEATIN'

LITTLE WHITE SHORTS, JOGGIN' AND
RIDIN' BICYCLES AND SWEATIN'
AND BREATHIN' LIKE PIGS!

RIDIN' BICYCLES AND SWEATIN'
AND BREATHIN' LIKE PIGS!
[LAUGHTER]

AND BREATHIN' LIKE PIGS!
[LAUGHTER]
EVERYBODY OUT THERE IS LIKE

[LAUGHTER]
EVERYBODY OUT THERE IS LIKE
A REAL HEALTH NUT.

EVERYBODY OUT THERE IS LIKE
A REAL HEALTH NUT.
THEY PLAY TENNIS AND READ A LOT

A REAL HEALTH NUT.
THEY PLAY TENNIS AND READ A LOT
OF BOOKS BY ADELLE DAVIS.

THEY PLAY TENNIS AND READ A LOT
OF BOOKS BY ADELLE DAVIS.
NOW, ADELLE DAVIS WAS THAT REAL

OF BOOKS BY ADELLE DAVIS.
NOW, ADELLE DAVIS WAS THAT REAL
SMART DEAD LADY WHO ON WROTE ON

NOW, ADELLE DAVIS WAS THAT REAL
SMART DEAD LADY WHO ON WROTE ON
HOW TO STAY HEALTHY AND ALL

SMART DEAD LADY WHO ON WROTE ON
HOW TO STAY HEALTHY AND ALL
THOSE BOOKS THAT GOT THE SAME

HOW TO STAY HEALTHY AND ALL
THOSE BOOKS THAT GOT THE SAME
TITLE: LET'S EAT RIGHT, LET'S

THOSE BOOKS THAT GOT THE SAME
TITLE: LET'S EAT RIGHT, LET'S
BE THIN, LET'S KEEP FIT,

TITLE: LET'S EAT RIGHT, LET'S
BE THIN, LET'S KEEP FIT,
LET'S LOOK GOOD, LET'S LIVE

BE THIN, LET'S KEEP FIT,
LET'S LOOK GOOD, LET'S LIVE
LONG, LET'S BE ALIVE, LET'S

LET'S LOOK GOOD, LET'S LIVE
LONG, LET'S BE ALIVE, LET'S
KEEP YOU ALIVE, LET'S KEEP ME

LONG, LET'S BE ALIVE, LET'S
KEEP YOU ALIVE, LET'S KEEP ME
ALIVE, I DON'T WANNA DIE,

KEEP YOU ALIVE, LET'S KEEP ME
ALIVE, I DON'T WANNA DIE,
I'M DEAD, WHAT WENT WRONG?

ALIVE, I DON'T WANNA DIE,
I'M DEAD, WHAT WENT WRONG?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M DEAD, WHAT WENT WRONG?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
LEARNED IF YOU WANNA STAY FIT

AND I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
LEARNED IF YOU WANNA STAY FIT
IN THE HAMPTONS, YOU GOTTA EAT

LEARNED IF YOU WANNA STAY FIT
IN THE HAMPTONS, YOU GOTTA EAT
A LOT OF ROUGHAGE.

IN THE HAMPTONS, YOU GOTTA EAT
A LOT OF ROUGHAGE.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT

A LOT OF ROUGHAGE.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT
ROUGHAGE IS?

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT
ROUGHAGE IS?
IT'S THAT FOOD THAT GOES RIGHT

ROUGHAGE IS?
IT'S THAT FOOD THAT GOES RIGHT
THROUGH YOU LIKE A FAST TRAIN

IT'S THAT FOOD THAT GOES RIGHT
THROUGH YOU LIKE A FAST TRAIN
AND DRAGS OTHER STUFF ALONG WITH

THROUGH YOU LIKE A FAST TRAIN
AND DRAGS OTHER STUFF ALONG WITH
IT SO THEY DON'T HANG AROUND TOO

AND DRAGS OTHER STUFF ALONG WITH
IT SO THEY DON'T HANG AROUND TOO
LONG TO ROT AND STINK UP

IT SO THEY DON'T HANG AROUND TOO
LONG TO ROT AND STINK UP
YOUR INSIDES.

LONG TO ROT AND STINK UP
YOUR INSIDES.
[LAUGHTER]

YOUR INSIDES.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, IMAGINE, IF YOU COULD,

[LAUGHTER]
NOW, IMAGINE, IF YOU COULD,
THE INSIDE OF YOUR BODY AS

NOW, IMAGINE, IF YOU COULD,
THE INSIDE OF YOUR BODY AS
A BIG, LONG, CURVING AROUND

THE INSIDE OF YOUR BODY AS
A BIG, LONG, CURVING AROUND
PIPE, LIKE UNDER A SINK, WITH

A BIG, LONG, CURVING AROUND
PIPE, LIKE UNDER A SINK, WITH
ALL THESE UGLY GERMS AND PIECES

PIPE, LIKE UNDER A SINK, WITH
ALL THESE UGLY GERMS AND PIECES
OF RED MEAT AND DIET SODA AND

ALL THESE UGLY GERMS AND PIECES
OF RED MEAT AND DIET SODA AND
TWINKIES AND MONOSODIUM

OF RED MEAT AND DIET SODA AND
TWINKIES AND MONOSODIUM
GLUTAMATE AND STUFF, SITTIN'

TWINKIES AND MONOSODIUM
GLUTAMATE AND STUFF, SITTIN'
THERE AND CLOGGIN' UP

GLUTAMATE AND STUFF, SITTIN'
THERE AND CLOGGIN' UP
EVERYTHING.

THERE AND CLOGGIN' UP
EVERYTHING.
BUT THEN... THIS ROUGHAGE STUFF

EVERYTHING.
BUT THEN... THIS ROUGHAGE STUFF
COMES ALONG AND CLEANS

BUT THEN... THIS ROUGHAGE STUFF
COMES ALONG AND CLEANS
OUT EVERYTHING!

COMES ALONG AND CLEANS
OUT EVERYTHING!
JUST LIKE LIQUID PLUMR!

OUT EVERYTHING!
JUST LIKE LIQUID PLUMR!
AND GETS YOU ZIPPY CLEAN!

JUST LIKE LIQUID PLUMR!
AND GETS YOU ZIPPY CLEAN!
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS, I HATE

AND GETS YOU ZIPPY CLEAN!
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS, I HATE
EATIN' THAT ROUGHAGE STUFF.

THE ONLY TROUBLE IS, I HATE
EATIN' THAT ROUGHAGE STUFF.
LIKE, I GOT INVITED TO THIS ONE

EATIN' THAT ROUGHAGE STUFF.
LIKE, I GOT INVITED TO THIS ONE
PARTY THAT WAS GIVEN AT THE

LIKE, I GOT INVITED TO THIS ONE
PARTY THAT WAS GIVEN AT THE
PRIVATE ESTATE OF MR. DESIGNER

PARTY THAT WAS GIVEN AT THE
PRIVATE ESTATE OF MR. DESIGNER
HIMSELF, YVES ST. LAURENT.

PRIVATE ESTATE OF MR. DESIGNER
HIMSELF, YVES ST. LAURENT.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT

HIMSELF, YVES ST. LAURENT.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY HAD TO EAT?

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY HAD TO EAT?
A THING THEY CALL CRUDITÉ!

THEY HAD TO EAT?
A THING THEY CALL CRUDITÉ!
THAT'S FRENCH.

A THING THEY CALL CRUDITÉ!
THAT'S FRENCH.
AND IT MEANS CELERY STICKS,

THAT'S FRENCH.
AND IT MEANS CELERY STICKS,
CARROT STICKS, SLICED RADISHES,

AND IT MEANS CELERY STICKS,
CARROT STICKS, SLICED RADISHES,
RAW BROCCOLI, RAW CAULIFLOWER,

CARROT STICKS, SLICED RADISHES,
RAW BROCCOLI, RAW CAULIFLOWER,
RAW MUSHROOMS, AND A YOGURT DIP!

RAW BROCCOLI, RAW CAULIFLOWER,
RAW MUSHROOMS, AND A YOGURT DIP!
NOW, WHAT KINDA GREAT PARTY

RAW MUSHROOMS, AND A YOGURT DIP!
NOW, WHAT KINDA GREAT PARTY
IS THAT?

NOW, WHAT KINDA GREAT PARTY
IS THAT?
CRUDITÉ?

IS THAT?
CRUDITÉ?
NOT ONLY DOES IT TASTE BLAND,

CRUDITÉ?
NOT ONLY DOES IT TASTE BLAND,
LIKE YOUR FOOT OR SOMETHING...

NOT ONLY DOES IT TASTE BLAND,
LIKE YOUR FOOT OR SOMETHING...
BUT THERE'S SO MUCH CRUNCHIN'

LIKE YOUR FOOT OR SOMETHING...
BUT THERE'S SO MUCH CRUNCHIN'
GOIN' ON, YA CAN'T HEAR WHAT

BUT THERE'S SO MUCH CRUNCHIN'
GOIN' ON, YA CAN'T HEAR WHAT
ANYBODY'S TALKIN' ABOUT.

GOIN' ON, YA CAN'T HEAR WHAT
ANYBODY'S TALKIN' ABOUT.
CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.

ANYBODY'S TALKIN' ABOUT.
CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.
AND WHO'S CRUNCHIN' THE LOUDEST

CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.
AND WHO'S CRUNCHIN' THE LOUDEST
AND DRINKIN' BOTTLES OF PERRIER

AND WHO'S CRUNCHIN' THE LOUDEST
AND DRINKIN' BOTTLES OF PERRIER
BUT THE HOTSHOT HOST HIMSELF,

AND DRINKIN' BOTTLES OF PERRIER
BUT THE HOTSHOT HOST HIMSELF,
ST. LAURENT.

BUT THE HOTSHOT HOST HIMSELF,
ST. LAURENT.
HE LOOKED REAL HEALTHY BUT EVERY

ST. LAURENT.
HE LOOKED REAL HEALTHY BUT EVERY
TWO MINUTES HE EXCUSES HIMSELF

HE LOOKED REAL HEALTHY BUT EVERY
TWO MINUTES HE EXCUSES HIMSELF
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

TWO MINUTES HE EXCUSES HIMSELF
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
[LAUGHTER]

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, ONE TIME, WHEN HE CAME

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, ONE TIME, WHEN HE CAME
OUT, JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

WELL, ONE TIME, WHEN HE CAME
OUT, JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

OUT, JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
I NOTICED THAT HE HAD A LITTLE

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
I NOTICED THAT HE HAD A LITTLE
TINY WET SPOT ON HIS WHITE PANTS

I NOTICED THAT HE HAD A LITTLE
TINY WET SPOT ON HIS WHITE PANTS
RIGHT BELOW HIS ZIPPER.

TINY WET SPOT ON HIS WHITE PANTS
RIGHT BELOW HIS ZIPPER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT BELOW HIS ZIPPER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IT LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IT LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE
RAINDROP!

IT LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE
RAINDROP!
OR LIKE A LITTLE CLEAR SPLOTCH!

RAINDROP!
OR LIKE A LITTLE CLEAR SPLOTCH!
WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

OR LIKE A LITTLE CLEAR SPLOTCH!
WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
[LAUGHTER]

WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
[LAUGHTER]
I SAID, "HEY, FRENCHIE!

[LAUGHTER]
I SAID, "HEY, FRENCHIE!
"DID THAT SPLOTCH COME

I SAID, "HEY, FRENCHIE!
"DID THAT SPLOTCH COME
OUT OF YOU?"

"DID THAT SPLOTCH COME
OUT OF YOU?"
AND HE SAYS, [FRENCH ACCENT]

OUT OF YOU?"
AND HE SAYS, [FRENCH ACCENT]
"NO WAY, ZE WATER SPLASH UP

AND HE SAYS, [FRENCH ACCENT]
"NO WAY, ZE WATER SPLASH UP
FROM ZE SINK, I SWEAR!"

"NO WAY, ZE WATER SPLASH UP
FROM ZE SINK, I SWEAR!"
BUT NONE OF US BELIEVED HIM

FROM ZE SINK, I SWEAR!"
BUT NONE OF US BELIEVED HIM
AND WE HAD TO LEAVE THE PARTY

BUT NONE OF US BELIEVED HIM
AND WE HAD TO LEAVE THE PARTY
'CAUSE HE WAS MAKIN' ALL

AND WE HAD TO LEAVE THE PARTY
'CAUSE HE WAS MAKIN' ALL
OF US SICK, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE HE WAS MAKIN' ALL
OF US SICK, YOU KNOW?
IT WASN'T RAININ',

OF US SICK, YOU KNOW?
IT WASN'T RAININ',
THERE'S A DROP ON HIS PANTS!

IT WASN'T RAININ',
THERE'S A DROP ON HIS PANTS!
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!

THERE'S A DROP ON HIS PANTS!
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!
YOU'RE MAKING ALL OF US SICK,

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!
YOU'RE MAKING ALL OF US SICK,
ROSEANNE.

YOU'RE MAKING ALL OF US SICK,
ROSEANNE.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

ROSEANNE.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
DON'T YOU LIKE FRENCH?

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
DON'T YOU LIKE FRENCH?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COME HERE

DON'T YOU LIKE FRENCH?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COME HERE
AND TALK ABOUT A MAN WHO WANTS

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COME HERE
AND TALK ABOUT A MAN WHO WANTS
TO BUY A HOUSE... NOT ABOUT

AND TALK ABOUT A MAN WHO WANTS
TO BUY A HOUSE... NOT ABOUT
ROUGHAGE AND YVES ST. LAURENT.

TO BUY A HOUSE... NOT ABOUT
ROUGHAGE AND YVES ST. LAURENT.
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES

ROUGHAGE AND YVES ST. LAURENT.
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES
TO SHOW YA.

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES
TO SHOW YA.
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHIN'!

TO SHOW YA.
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHIN'!
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHIN'!
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,
IT'S ANOTHER!

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,
IT'S ANOTHER!
EITHER YOU CAN'T GET A MORTGAGE

IT'S ANOTHER!
EITHER YOU CAN'T GET A MORTGAGE
OR IT RAINS ON YOUR ZIPPER.

EITHER YOU CAN'T GET A MORTGAGE
OR IT RAINS ON YOUR ZIPPER.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE PRAYER

OR IT RAINS ON YOUR ZIPPER.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE PRAYER
THAT MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME

IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE PRAYER
THAT MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.

THAT MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
HE'D MAKE SURE I WAS ALL TUCKED

BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
HE'D MAKE SURE I WAS ALL TUCKED
IN, SNUG AND COZY AND EVERYTHING

HE'D MAKE SURE I WAS ALL TUCKED
IN, SNUG AND COZY AND EVERYTHING
AND HE'D TELL ME THIS PRAYER

IN, SNUG AND COZY AND EVERYTHING
AND HE'D TELL ME THIS PRAYER
THAT WAS WRITTEN BY MY VERY

AND HE'D TELL ME THIS PRAYER
THAT WAS WRITTEN BY MY VERY
RELIGIOUS AUNT...

THAT WAS WRITTEN BY MY VERY
RELIGIOUS AUNT...
HOSANNA ROSEANNADANNA.

RELIGIOUS AUNT...
HOSANNA ROSEANNADANNA.
[LAUGHTER]

HOSANNA ROSEANNADANNA.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M GONNA TELL IT TO YOU.

[LAUGHTER]
I'M GONNA TELL IT TO YOU.
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP

I'M GONNA TELL IT TO YOU.
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
AFTER A LOT OF ROUGHAGE

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
AFTER A LOT OF ROUGHAGE
I DID EAT...

AFTER A LOT OF ROUGHAGE
I DID EAT...
I HOPE I DIE BEFORE I WAKE

I DID EAT...
I HOPE I DIE BEFORE I WAKE
'CAUSE ANOTHER WASHING

I HOPE I DIE BEFORE I WAKE
'CAUSE ANOTHER WASHING
THESE SHEETS CAN'T TAKE!

'CAUSE ANOTHER WASHING
THESE SHEETS CAN'T TAKE!
[LAUGHTER]

THESE SHEETS CAN'T TAKE!
[LAUGHTER]
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE

[LAUGHTER]
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!

GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!
GOOD NIGHT,

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!
GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.

GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
GOOD NIGHT, JANE!

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
GOOD NIGHT, JANE!
COME HERE AND LET ME...

GOOD NIGHT, JANE!
COME HERE AND LET ME...
THAT'S THE NEWS.

COME HERE AND LET ME...
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪
♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪
♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪

LET'S GET OUTTA THIS
DISGUSTING PLACE,
SUZIE, COME ON.

DISGUSTING PLACE,
SUZIE, COME ON.
BUT HE COULD BE ANYWHERE,

SUZIE, COME ON.
BUT HE COULD BE ANYWHERE,
I'VE GOTTA FIND HIM.

BUT HE COULD BE ANYWHERE,
I'VE GOTTA FIND HIM.
WE MUST'VE BEEN TO A DOZEN

I'VE GOTTA FIND HIM.
WE MUST'VE BEEN TO A DOZEN
OF THESE SLEAZY PLACES, I MEAN,

WE MUST'VE BEEN TO A DOZEN
OF THESE SLEAZY PLACES, I MEAN,
THE BLOWPIPE, THE CRIMSON

OF THESE SLEAZY PLACES, I MEAN,
THE BLOWPIPE, THE CRIMSON
CROWBAR, THE CORK IN YOU,

THE BLOWPIPE, THE CRIMSON
CROWBAR, THE CORK IN YOU,
RICK'S SLIME CUP.

CROWBAR, THE CORK IN YOU,
RICK'S SLIME CUP.
SORRY, JENNY.

RICK'S SLIME CUP.
SORRY, JENNY.
I JUST CAN'T REST

SORRY, JENNY.
I JUST CAN'T REST
TILL I FIND HIM.

I JUST CAN'T REST
TILL I FIND HIM.
♪ ARE YOU READY? ♪

TILL I FIND HIM.
♪ ARE YOU READY? ♪
♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY? ♪
♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? ♪
♪ DO YOU LIKE IT? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? ♪
♪ DO YOU LIKE IT? ♪
♪ DO YOU LIKE IT LIKE THIS? ♪

♪ DO YOU LIKE IT? ♪
♪ DO YOU LIKE IT LIKE THIS? ♪
♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪

♪ DO YOU LIKE IT LIKE THIS? ♪
♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪
♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪

♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪
♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪
♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪

♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪
♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪
♪ GET DOWN, GET DOWN TO IT ♪

♪ PUSH PUSH IN THE BUSH ♪
♪ GET DOWN, GET DOWN TO IT ♪
[♪...]

♪ GET DOWN, GET DOWN TO IT ♪
[♪...]
OH MY GOD, IT'S MY FATHER!

OH, MY GOD, IT'S MY DAUGHTER!
Announcer: HARDCORE II.
THE SHOCKING SORTED STORY OF

Announcer: HARDCORE II.
THE SHOCKING SORTED STORY OF
A TEENAGE DAUGHTER'S SEARCH

THE SHOCKING SORTED STORY OF
A TEENAGE DAUGHTER'S SEARCH
FOR HER DISGUSTING FATHER

A TEENAGE DAUGHTER'S SEARCH
FOR HER DISGUSTING FATHER
WHO'S BEING USED IN A

FOR HER DISGUSTING FATHER
WHO'S BEING USED IN A
FILTHY, NAUSEATING WAY.

I MEAN, WHAT CAN YOU DO,
SUZIE?
HE'S A BIG... GIRL.

SUZIE?
HE'S A BIG... GIRL.
COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

HE'S A BIG... GIRL.
COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
HOW CAN I LEAVE DADDY

COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
HOW CAN I LEAVE DADDY
IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?

HOW CAN I LEAVE DADDY
IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?
YOU BETTER GO WITHOUT ME, JENNY.

OKAY GIRLS, GUESS WHO
SUDDENLY GOT A DAUGHTER?

OF ALL THE DRAG JOINTS
IN THE WORLD, SHE HAS TO
WALK INTO THIS ONE.

IN THE WORLD, SHE HAS TO
WALK INTO THIS ONE.
AREN'T WE MISS POUTY

WALK INTO THIS ONE.
AREN'T WE MISS POUTY
POUTY FATHER.

AREN'T WE MISS POUTY
POUTY FATHER.
BACK OFF, JUNE.

POUTY FATHER.
BACK OFF, JUNE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

BACK OFF, JUNE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
THE TANGERINE OR THE KIWI?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
THE TANGERINE OR THE KIWI?
BE BRUTAL.

THE TANGERINE OR THE KIWI?
BE BRUTAL.
WELL, THE KIWI IS NICE,

BE BRUTAL.
WELL, THE KIWI IS NICE,
BUT THE TANGERINE GOES

WELL, THE KIWI IS NICE,
BUT THE TANGERINE GOES
A LITTLE WITH YOUR MOUTH.

BUT THE TANGERINE GOES
A LITTLE WITH YOUR MOUTH.
THE KIWI, DEFINITELY.

A LITTLE WITH YOUR MOUTH.
THE KIWI, DEFINITELY.
LOOK AT YOU.

THE KIWI, DEFINITELY.
LOOK AT YOU.
DADDY, HOW COULD YOU?

LOOK AT YOU.
DADDY, HOW COULD YOU?
NOW, KITTEN, DON'T JUMP

DADDY, HOW COULD YOU?
NOW, KITTEN, DON'T JUMP
TO ANY FAST CONCLUSIONS.

NOW, KITTEN, DON'T JUMP
TO ANY FAST CONCLUSIONS.
JUST BECAUSE HE'S IN DRAG

TO ANY FAST CONCLUSIONS.
JUST BECAUSE HE'S IN DRAG
DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN

JUST BECAUSE HE'S IN DRAG
DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN
HE'S GAY.

DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN
HE'S GAY.
IT'S OKAY, KEVIN.

HE'S GAY.
IT'S OKAY, KEVIN.
DO YOU REALLY NEED

IT'S OKAY, KEVIN.
DO YOU REALLY NEED
ALL THIS MAKEUP?

DO YOU REALLY NEED
ALL THIS MAKEUP?
I SUPPOSE YOU THINK IT

ALL THIS MAKEUP?
I SUPPOSE YOU THINK IT
MAKES YOU LOOK GOOD!

I SUPPOSE YOU THINK IT
MAKES YOU LOOK GOOD!
ACTUALLY, YOU COULD STAND

MAKES YOU LOOK GOOD!
ACTUALLY, YOU COULD STAND
A LITTLE MORE HIGHLIGHTING HERE.

ACTUALLY, YOU COULD STAND
A LITTLE MORE HIGHLIGHTING HERE.
I'VE GOT A TOUCH OF BLUSH-A-BYE

A LITTLE MORE HIGHLIGHTING HERE.
I'VE GOT A TOUCH OF BLUSH-A-BYE
BABY IN MY PURSE.

I'VE GOT A TOUCH OF BLUSH-A-BYE
BABY IN MY PURSE.
I'LL GET YOU SOME.

BABY IN MY PURSE.
I'LL GET YOU SOME.
LISTEN, YOU WASH YOUR FACE

I'LL GET YOU SOME.
LISTEN, YOU WASH YOUR FACE
THIS INSTANT!

LISTEN, YOU WASH YOUR FACE
THIS INSTANT!
YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME!

THIS INSTANT!
YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME!
NO, I'M A GROWN-UP,

YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME!
NO, I'M A GROWN-UP,
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

NO, I'M A GROWN-UP,
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!
LEAVE ME ALONE AND FOR NOW

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!
LEAVE ME ALONE AND FOR NOW
I SAID GET OUT!

LEAVE ME ALONE AND FOR NOW
I SAID GET OUT!
SHOWTIME, COME ON, GIRLS.

I SAID GET OUT!
SHOWTIME, COME ON, GIRLS.
SECOND SET.

SHOWTIME, COME ON, GIRLS.
SECOND SET.
IF YOU THINK THAT I AM GONNA

SECOND SET.
IF YOU THINK THAT I AM GONNA
LET YOU GO OUT THERE AND PARADE

IF YOU THINK THAT I AM GONNA
LET YOU GO OUT THERE AND PARADE
YOURSELF AROUND THOSE STRANGE

LET YOU GO OUT THERE AND PARADE
YOURSELF AROUND THOSE STRANGE
MEN, IN THESE...

YOURSELF AROUND THOSE STRANGE
MEN, IN THESE...
IT'S GONNA HURT ME TO DO THIS.

WELL, IT HURTS ME
WORSE THAN IT HURTS YOU.
[LAUGHTER]

WORSE THAN IT HURTS YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
Announcer: OMIGOD,

[LAUGHTER]
Announcer: OMIGOD,
IT'S THE SEQUEL.

Announcer: OMIGOD,
IT'S THE SEQUEL.
HARDCORE II.

IT'S THE SEQUEL.
HARDCORE II.
THE FILM IS NOW THE MOVIE.

HARDCORE II.
THE FILM IS NOW THE MOVIE.
COMING SOON TO A

THE FILM IS NOW THE MOVIE.
COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU.

COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU.
[APPLAUSE]

ONCE AGAIN, HERE IS
BOB DYLAN.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

BOB DYLAN.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
[♪...]

♪ THEY ASK ME HOW I FEEL ♪
♪ AND IF MY LOVE IS REAL ♪
♪ AND HOW I KNOW

♪ AND IF MY LOVE IS REAL ♪
♪ AND HOW I KNOW
I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH ♪

♪ AND HOW I KNOW
I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH ♪
♪ AND THEY

I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH ♪
♪ AND THEY
THEY LOOK AT ME AND FROWN ♪

♪ AND THEY
THEY LOOK AT ME AND FROWN ♪
♪ LIKE TO DRIVE ME

THEY LOOK AT ME AND FROWN ♪
♪ LIKE TO DRIVE ME
FROM THIS TOWN ♪

♪ LIKE TO DRIVE ME
FROM THIS TOWN ♪
♪ THEY DON'T WANT ME AROUND ♪

FROM THIS TOWN ♪
♪ THEY DON'T WANT ME AROUND ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

♪ THEY DON'T WANT ME AROUND ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ THEY, THEY SHOW ME

♪ 'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ THEY, THEY SHOW ME
TO THE DOOR ♪

♪ THEY, THEY SHOW ME
TO THE DOOR ♪
♪ THEY SAY DON'T COME BACK

TO THE DOOR ♪
♪ THEY SAY DON'T COME BACK
NO MORE ♪

♪ THEY SAY DON'T COME BACK
NO MORE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T BE LIKE

NO MORE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T BE LIKE
THEY'D LIKE ME TO ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T BE LIKE
THEY'D LIKE ME TO ♪
♪ AND I, I WALK OUT ON MY OWN

THEY'D LIKE ME TO ♪
♪ AND I, I WALK OUT ON MY OWN
A THOUSAND MILES FROM HOME ♪

♪ AND I, I WALK OUT ON MY OWN
A THOUSAND MILES FROM HOME ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T FEEL ALONE

A THOUSAND MILES FROM HOME ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T FEEL ALONE
'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

♪ BUT I DON'T FEEL ALONE
'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ EVEN THROUGH THE TEARS

♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ EVEN THROUGH THE TEARS
AND THE LAUGHTER ♪

♪ EVEN THROUGH THE TEARS
AND THE LAUGHTER ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

AND THE LAUGHTER ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ EVEN THOUGH WE BE APART ♪

♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ EVEN THOUGH WE BE APART ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

♪ EVEN THOUGH WE BE APART ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ EVEN ON THE MORNING AFTER ♪

♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ EVEN ON THE MORNING AFTER ♪
♪ OH, WHEN THE DAWN IS NEARING ♪

♪ EVEN ON THE MORNING AFTER ♪
♪ OH, WHEN THE DAWN IS NEARING ♪
♪ OH, WHEN THE NIGHT

♪ OH, WHEN THE DAWN IS NEARING ♪
♪ OH, WHEN THE NIGHT
IS DISAPPEARING ♪

♪ OH, WHEN THE NIGHT
IS DISAPPEARING ♪
♪ THIS FEELING IS STILL HERE

IS DISAPPEARING ♪
♪ THIS FEELING IS STILL HERE
IN MY HEART ♪

♪ THIS FEELING IS STILL HERE
IN MY HEART ♪
♪ DON'T LET ME DRIFT TOO FAR ♪

IN MY HEART ♪
♪ DON'T LET ME DRIFT TOO FAR ♪
♪ KEEP ME WHERE YOU ARE ♪

♪ DON'T LET ME DRIFT TOO FAR ♪
♪ KEEP ME WHERE YOU ARE ♪
♪ WHERE I WILL ALWAYS

♪ KEEP ME WHERE YOU ARE ♪
♪ WHERE I WILL ALWAYS
BE RENEWED ♪

♪ WHERE I WILL ALWAYS
BE RENEWED ♪
♪ AND WHAT YOU'VE

BE RENEWED ♪
♪ AND WHAT YOU'VE
GIVEN ME TODAY ♪

♪ AND WHAT YOU'VE
GIVEN ME TODAY ♪
♪ IS WORTH MORE

GIVEN ME TODAY ♪
♪ IS WORTH MORE
THAN I COULD PAY ♪

♪ IS WORTH MORE
THAN I COULD PAY ♪
♪ AND NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY

THAN I COULD PAY ♪
♪ AND NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY
I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

♪ AND NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY
I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
[♪...]

♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ WHEN THE WINTER
TURNS INTO SUMMER ♪

♪ WHEN THE WINTER
TURNS INTO SUMMER ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

TURNS INTO SUMMER ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ WHEN WHITE TURN TO BLACK ♪

♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ WHEN WHITE TURN TO BLACK ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

♪ WHEN WHITE TURN TO BLACK ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ EVEN THOUGH I BE OUTNUMBERED ♪

♪ I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
♪ EVEN THOUGH I BE OUTNUMBERED ♪
♪ OH, THOUGH THE EARTH

♪ EVEN THOUGH I BE OUTNUMBERED ♪
♪ OH, THOUGH THE EARTH
MAY SHAKE ME ♪

♪ OH, THOUGH THE EARTH
MAY SHAKE ME ♪
♪ OH, THOUGH MY FRIENDS

MAY SHAKE ME ♪
♪ OH, THOUGH MY FRIENDS
FORSAKE ME ♪

♪ OH, THOUGH MY FRIENDS
FORSAKE ME ♪
♪ OH, EVEN THAT COULDN'T

FORSAKE ME ♪
♪ OH, EVEN THAT COULDN'T
MAKE ME GO BACK ♪

♪ OH, EVEN THAT COULDN'T
MAKE ME GO BACK ♪
♪ DON'T

MAKE ME GO BACK ♪
♪ DON'T
LET ME CHANGE MY HEART ♪

♪ DON'T
LET ME CHANGE MY HEART ♪
♪ KEEP ME SET APART ♪

LET ME CHANGE MY HEART ♪
♪ KEEP ME SET APART ♪
♪ FROM ALL THE PLANS

♪ KEEP ME SET APART ♪
♪ FROM ALL THE PLANS
THEY DO PURSUE ♪

♪ FROM ALL THE PLANS
THEY DO PURSUE ♪
♪ AND I

THEY DO PURSUE ♪
♪ AND I
I DON'T MIND THE PAIN ♪

♪ AND I
I DON'T MIND THE PAIN ♪
♪ DON'T MIND THE DRIVING RAIN ♪

I DON'T MIND THE PAIN ♪
♪ DON'T MIND THE DRIVING RAIN ♪
♪ I KNOW I WILL SUSTAIN

♪ DON'T MIND THE DRIVING RAIN ♪
♪ I KNOW I WILL SUSTAIN
'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪

♪ I KNOW I WILL SUSTAIN
'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU ♪
[♪...]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDY KAUFMAN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IN THE OLD DAYS, UH, THEY
USED TO HAVE WRESTLERS WHO WENT
FROM TOWN TO TOWN ACROSS THE

USED TO HAVE WRESTLERS WHO WENT
FROM TOWN TO TOWN ACROSS THE
COUNTRY IN CARNIVALS AND OFFER

FROM TOWN TO TOWN ACROSS THE
COUNTRY IN CARNIVALS AND OFFER
$500... [CLEARS THROAT]

COUNTRY IN CARNIVALS AND OFFER
$500... [CLEARS THROAT]
TO ANY MAN WHO COULD LAST

$500... [CLEARS THROAT]
TO ANY MAN WHO COULD LAST
THREE MINUTES IN THE RING

TO ANY MAN WHO COULD LAST
THREE MINUTES IN THE RING
WITH THEM.

THREE MINUTES IN THE RING
WITH THEM.
WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE

WITH THEM.
WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE
LAST TWO YEARS IS GOING FROM

WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE
LAST TWO YEARS IS GOING FROM
TOWN TO TOWN, IN MY CONCERTS ALL

LAST TWO YEARS IS GOING FROM
TOWN TO TOWN, IN MY CONCERTS ALL
OVER THE COUNTRY, OFFERING

TOWN TO TOWN, IN MY CONCERTS ALL
OVER THE COUNTRY, OFFERING
$500 TO ANY WOMAN

OVER THE COUNTRY, OFFERING
$500 TO ANY WOMAN
IN THE AUDIENCE WHO COULD

$500 TO ANY WOMAN
IN THE AUDIENCE WHO COULD
PIN ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH

IN THE AUDIENCE WHO COULD
PIN ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH
IN THREE MINUTES.

PIN ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH
IN THREE MINUTES.
THIS IS A VERY LEGITIMATE THING

IN THREE MINUTES.
THIS IS A VERY LEGITIMATE THING
AND, UH, THE REASON

THIS IS A VERY LEGITIMATE THING
AND, UH, THE REASON
I CHOOSE WOMEN...

AND, UH, THE REASON
I CHOOSE WOMEN...
IS BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ATHLETE,

I CHOOSE WOMEN...
IS BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ATHLETE,
I'M NOT... [CLEARS THROAT]

IS BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ATHLETE,
I'M NOT... [CLEARS THROAT]
I REALLY DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH

I'M NOT... [CLEARS THROAT]
I REALLY DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH
ABOUT WRESTLING BUT...

I REALLY DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH
ABOUT WRESTLING BUT...
SO I FEEL IF I CHOSE A MAN,

ABOUT WRESTLING BUT...
SO I FEEL IF I CHOSE A MAN,
I MIGHT GET BEATEN.

SO I FEEL IF I CHOSE A MAN,
I MIGHT GET BEATEN.
BUT I JUST DON'T FEEL THAT A

I MIGHT GET BEATEN.
BUT I JUST DON'T FEEL THAT A
WOMAN IS CAPABLE OF BEATING

BUT I JUST DON'T FEEL THAT A
WOMAN IS CAPABLE OF BEATING
A MAN IN A WRESTLING MATCH.

WOMAN IS CAPABLE OF BEATING
A MAN IN A WRESTLING MATCH.
[CROWD GROANS]

A MAN IN A WRESTLING MATCH.
[CROWD GROANS]
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE

[CROWD GROANS]
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE
CHAUVINISTIC OR,

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE
CHAUVINISTIC OR,
YOU KNOW, MAKE FUN OF THE

CHAUVINISTIC OR,
YOU KNOW, MAKE FUN OF THE
WOMEN'S LIB MOVEMENT OR DO ANY

YOU KNOW, MAKE FUN OF THE
WOMEN'S LIB MOVEMENT OR DO ANY
KIND OF THING LIKE THAT BUT

WOMEN'S LIB MOVEMENT OR DO ANY
KIND OF THING LIKE THAT BUT
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,

KIND OF THING LIKE THAT BUT
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
I JUST CAN'T CONCEIVE OF A WOMAN

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
I JUST CAN'T CONCEIVE OF A WOMAN
HAVING THE CAPABILITIES

I JUST CAN'T CONCEIVE OF A WOMAN
HAVING THE CAPABILITIES
TO DO THAT, EVEN IF

HAVING THE CAPABILITIES
TO DO THAT, EVEN IF
A WOMAN WAS TO TRAIN

TO DO THAT, EVEN IF
A WOMAN WAS TO TRAIN
HARD FOR A LONG TIME,

A WOMAN WAS TO TRAIN
HARD FOR A LONG TIME,
I DON'T THINK THAT SHE COULD BE

HARD FOR A LONG TIME,
I DON'T THINK THAT SHE COULD BE
PHYSICALLY CAPABLE AND ALSO

I DON'T THINK THAT SHE COULD BE
PHYSICALLY CAPABLE AND ALSO
I DON'T THINK THAT A WOMAN IS

PHYSICALLY CAPABLE AND ALSO
I DON'T THINK THAT A WOMAN IS
MENTALLY CAPABLE TO...

I DON'T THINK THAT A WOMAN IS
MENTALLY CAPABLE TO...
[CROWD GROANS]

MENTALLY CAPABLE TO...
[CROWD GROANS]
NO, NO, NO, WAIT!

[CROWD GROANS]
NO, NO, NO, WAIT!
BECAUSE YOU REALLY NEED A

NO, NO, NO, WAIT!
BECAUSE YOU REALLY NEED A
CERTAIN... YOU REALLY NEED A

BECAUSE YOU REALLY NEED A
CERTAIN... YOU REALLY NEED A
CERTAIN KIND OF WAY OF THINKING

CERTAIN... YOU REALLY NEED A
CERTAIN KIND OF WAY OF THINKING
UH, TO WRESTLE, STRATEGY

CERTAIN KIND OF WAY OF THINKING
UH, TO WRESTLE, STRATEGY
AND ALL THAT.

UH, TO WRESTLE, STRATEGY
AND ALL THAT.
AND I JUST DON'T THINK WOMEN

AND ALL THAT.
AND I JUST DON'T THINK WOMEN
THINK THAT WAY.

AND I JUST DON'T THINK WOMEN
THINK THAT WAY.
I THINK THAT THEY'RE MOSTLY GOOD

THINK THAT WAY.
I THINK THAT THEY'RE MOSTLY GOOD
FOR... AND, I MEAN, YOU MIGHT

I THINK THAT THEY'RE MOSTLY GOOD
FOR... AND, I MEAN, YOU MIGHT
LAUGH WHEN I SAY THIS...

FOR... AND, I MEAN, YOU MIGHT
LAUGH WHEN I SAY THIS...
BUT I THINK THEY'RE GOOD FOR

LAUGH WHEN I SAY THIS...
BUT I THINK THEY'RE GOOD FOR
SCRUBBING THE POTATOES AND

BUT I THINK THEY'RE GOOD FOR
SCRUBBING THE POTATOES AND
WASHING THE CARROTS...

SCRUBBING THE POTATOES AND
WASHING THE CARROTS...
PUTTING IT IN THE POT...

WASHING THE CARROTS...
PUTTING IT IN THE POT...
[CROWD BOOS]

PUTTING IT IN THE POT...
[CROWD BOOS]
PLEASE.

[CROWD BOOS]
PLEASE.
UH, UM, MOPPING THE FLOORS,

PLEASE.
UH, UM, MOPPING THE FLOORS,
RAISING THE BABIES.

UH, UM, MOPPING THE FLOORS,
RAISING THE BABIES.
I THINK ALSO THE MEN...

RAISING THE BABIES.
I THINK ALSO THE MEN...
THE MEN HAVE LET THE WOMEN

I THINK ALSO THE MEN...
THE MEN HAVE LET THE WOMEN
COME TO A HIGHER, YOU KNOW,

THE MEN HAVE LET THE WOMEN
COME TO A HIGHER, YOU KNOW,
A HIGHER POSITION THAN

COME TO A HIGHER, YOU KNOW,
A HIGHER POSITION THAN
THEY'RE ABLE... I THINK THE MEN

A HIGHER POSITION THAN
THEY'RE ABLE... I THINK THE MEN
ARE A BUNCH OF PUSSY CATS AND

THEY'RE ABLE... I THINK THE MEN
ARE A BUNCH OF PUSSY CATS AND
PANSIES FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN.

ARE A BUNCH OF PUSSY CATS AND
PANSIES FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN.
AND I THINK THE MEN IN THIS

PANSIES FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN.
AND I THINK THE MEN IN THIS
COUNTRY ARE NOTHING BUT PITIFUL

AND I THINK THE MEN IN THIS
COUNTRY ARE NOTHING BUT PITIFUL
SPECIMENS OF MANHOOD.

COUNTRY ARE NOTHING BUT PITIFUL
SPECIMENS OF MANHOOD.
SO, IF THERE'S ANY WOMAN OUT

SPECIMENS OF MANHOOD.
SO, IF THERE'S ANY WOMAN OUT
THERE TONIGHT WHO WOULD LIKE

SO, IF THERE'S ANY WOMAN OUT
THERE TONIGHT WHO WOULD LIKE
TO PROVE ME WRONG, LIKE TO TAKE

THERE TONIGHT WHO WOULD LIKE
TO PROVE ME WRONG, LIKE TO TAKE
ME ON IN A WRESTLING MATCH,

TO PROVE ME WRONG, LIKE TO TAKE
ME ON IN A WRESTLING MATCH,
I'D LIKE TO CALL YOU UP ALL NOW.

ME ON IN A WRESTLING MATCH,
I'D LIKE TO CALL YOU UP ALL NOW.
YOU CAN JUST VOLUNTEER.

I'D LIKE TO CALL YOU UP ALL NOW.
YOU CAN JUST VOLUNTEER.
$500 TO ANY WOMAN

YOU CAN JUST VOLUNTEER.
$500 TO ANY WOMAN
THAT COULD PIN MY SHOULDERS

$500 TO ANY WOMAN
THAT COULD PIN MY SHOULDERS
IN THREE MINUTES.

THAT COULD PIN MY SHOULDERS
IN THREE MINUTES.
HERE'S MY REFEREE, BOB ZMUDA.

IN THREE MINUTES.
HERE'S MY REFEREE, BOB ZMUDA.
Bob: OKAY, YOU HEARD HIM.

HERE'S MY REFEREE, BOB ZMUDA.
Bob: OKAY, YOU HEARD HIM.
$500 TO THE WOMAN WHO CAN

Bob: OKAY, YOU HEARD HIM.
$500 TO THE WOMAN WHO CAN
COME UP HERE TONIGHT

$500 TO THE WOMAN WHO CAN
COME UP HERE TONIGHT
AND IN A FAIR WRESTLING MATCH...

COME UP HERE TONIGHT
AND IN A FAIR WRESTLING MATCH...
JUST LINE UP RIGHT OVER HERE.

AND IN A FAIR WRESTLING MATCH...
JUST LINE UP RIGHT OVER HERE.
WE HAVE SOME MORE...

JUST LINE UP RIGHT OVER HERE.
WE HAVE SOME MORE...
IN A FAIR WRESTLING MATCH

WE HAVE SOME MORE...
IN A FAIR WRESTLING MATCH
PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE GROUND

IN A FAIR WRESTLING MATCH
PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE GROUND
FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.

PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE GROUND
FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.
ANYBODY FROM UPSTAIRS?

FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.
ANYBODY FROM UPSTAIRS?
COME ON UP.

ANYBODY FROM UPSTAIRS?
COME ON UP.
$500... HERE'S THE MONEY.

COME ON UP.
$500... HERE'S THE MONEY.
THIS IS REAL,

$500... HERE'S THE MONEY.
THIS IS REAL,
THIS IS NOT SET UP!

THIS IS REAL,
THIS IS NOT SET UP!
RIGHT THIS WAY, ANYBODY ELSE?

THIS IS NOT SET UP!
RIGHT THIS WAY, ANYBODY ELSE?
THERE'S ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

RIGHT THIS WAY, ANYBODY ELSE?
THERE'S ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
ANYBODY ELSE?

THERE'S ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
ANYBODY ELSE?
COME ON.

ANYBODY ELSE?
COME ON.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

COME ON.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
WE'VE GOT ONE HERE.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
WE'VE GOT ONE HERE.
ANYBODY UPSTAIRS?

WE'VE GOT ONE HERE.
ANYBODY UPSTAIRS?
THAT'S IT?

ANYBODY UPSTAIRS?
THAT'S IT?
ANYBODY ELSE?

THAT'S IT?
ANYBODY ELSE?
OKAY, FINE.

ANYBODY ELSE?
OKAY, FINE.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THEM...

OKAY, FINE.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THEM...
BEING VERY BRAVE.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THEM...
BEING VERY BRAVE.
VERY BRAVE COMING UP HERE.

BEING VERY BRAVE.
VERY BRAVE COMING UP HERE.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

VERY BRAVE COMING UP HERE.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
LET'S START OFF BY ASKING THEM

[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
LET'S START OFF BY ASKING THEM
WHAT THEIR NAME IS.

LET'S START OFF BY ASKING THEM
WHAT THEIR NAME IS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHAT THEIR NAME IS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MIMI LAMBERT.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MIMI LAMBERT.
MIMI.

MIMI LAMBERT.
MIMI.
ANN McKUEN.

MIMI.
ANN McKUEN.
ANN.

ANN McKUEN.
ANN.
LINDA MICHAELS.

ANN.
LINDA MICHAELS.
LINDA.

LINDA MICHAELS.
LINDA.
KELLY BOLTON.

LINDA.
KELLY BOLTON.
KELLY.

KELLY BOLTON.
KELLY.
DEBBIE WHITE.

KELLY.
DEBBIE WHITE.
DEBBIE, LOOK AT 'EM.

DEBBIE WHITE.
DEBBIE, LOOK AT 'EM.
IT'S UP TO YOU TO CHOOSE,

DEBBIE, LOOK AT 'EM.
IT'S UP TO YOU TO CHOOSE,
THE AUDIENCE TO CHOOSE.

IT'S UP TO YOU TO CHOOSE,
THE AUDIENCE TO CHOOSE.
THIS IS NOT SET UP.

THE AUDIENCE TO CHOOSE.
THIS IS NOT SET UP.
THIS IS REAL.

THIS IS NOT SET UP.
THIS IS REAL.
I'M GONNA PUT MY HAND

THIS IS REAL.
I'M GONNA PUT MY HAND
OVER THEIR HEAD.

I'M GONNA PUT MY HAND
OVER THEIR HEAD.
NOW, VOTE FOR THE GIRL...

OVER THEIR HEAD.
NOW, VOTE FOR THE GIRL...
BY CLAPPING... WHO YOU THINK CAN

NOW, VOTE FOR THE GIRL...
BY CLAPPING... WHO YOU THINK CAN
PIN ANDY'S SHOULDERS TO THE

BY CLAPPING... WHO YOU THINK CAN
PIN ANDY'S SHOULDERS TO THE
GROUND FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.

PIN ANDY'S SHOULDERS TO THE
GROUND FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.

GROUND FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, HERE WE GO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[AUDIENCE ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[AUDIENCE ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]

FOUR PEOPLE UP FRONT
THAT ARE DOIN' THIS.
Andy: THE ONE ON THE END.

THAT ARE DOIN' THIS.
Andy: THE ONE ON THE END.
NUMBER ONE, SHE GOT A LOT OF...

Andy: THE ONE ON THE END.
NUMBER ONE, SHE GOT A LOT OF...
SHE WAS CLOSE?

NUMBER ONE, SHE GOT A LOT OF...
SHE WAS CLOSE?
[CHEERING]

SHE WAS CLOSE?
[CHEERING]
I THINK IT'S HER.

[CHEERING]
I THINK IT'S HER.
I THINK IT'S HER.

I THINK IT'S HER.
I THINK IT'S HER.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.

I THINK IT'S HER.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.
LET'S THANK THE REST.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.
LET'S THANK THE REST.
[BELL RINGS]

I WANNA ASK MR. KAUFMAN
EXACTLY WHY...
I JUST WANNA SAY

EXACTLY WHY...
I JUST WANNA SAY
I CHALLENGED, UH, DIANA NYAD

I JUST WANNA SAY
I CHALLENGED, UH, DIANA NYAD
THE WORLD'S... SUPPOSEDLY

I CHALLENGED, UH, DIANA NYAD
THE WORLD'S... SUPPOSEDLY
THE WORLD'S STRONGEST LADY

THE WORLD'S... SUPPOSEDLY
THE WORLD'S STRONGEST LADY
WHO SWAM TO CUBA AND BACK,

THE WORLD'S STRONGEST LADY
WHO SWAM TO CUBA AND BACK,
SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO STRONG...

WHO SWAM TO CUBA AND BACK,
SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO STRONG...
I CHALLENGED HER

SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO STRONG...
I CHALLENGED HER
AND SHE SAID "NO!"

I CHALLENGED HER
AND SHE SAID "NO!"
OKAY?

AND SHE SAID "NO!"
OKAY?
SHE'S AFRAID, OKAY?

OKAY?
SHE'S AFRAID, OKAY?
HERE WE GO.

SHE'S AFRAID, OKAY?
HERE WE GO.
COME ON.

HERE WE GO.
COME ON.
YOU'RE PREGNANT!

COME ON.
YOU'RE PREGNANT!
HOW CAN YOU WRESTLE ME

YOU'RE PREGNANT!
HOW CAN YOU WRESTLE ME
WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT?

HOW CAN YOU WRESTLE ME
WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT?
WAIT, ARE YOU PREGNANT?

WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT?
WAIT, ARE YOU PREGNANT?
ZMUDA, SHE'S PREGNANT!

WAIT, ARE YOU PREGNANT?
ZMUDA, SHE'S PREGNANT!
YOU'RE PREGNANT?

ZMUDA, SHE'S PREGNANT!
YOU'RE PREGNANT?
OH, MAN, GET THE OTHER ONE.

YOU'RE PREGNANT?
OH, MAN, GET THE OTHER ONE.
GET THE OTHER ONE IN RIGHT NOW.

OH, MAN, GET THE OTHER ONE.
GET THE OTHER ONE IN RIGHT NOW.
ARE YOU PREGNANT?

GET THE OTHER ONE IN RIGHT NOW.
ARE YOU PREGNANT?
YEAH.

ARE YOU PREGNANT?
YEAH.
WAIT, YOU ARE PREGNANT?

YEAH.
WAIT, YOU ARE PREGNANT?
YES, SHE CANNOT DO IT.

WAIT, YOU ARE PREGNANT?
YES, SHE CANNOT DO IT.
SHE CAN'T DO IT.

YES, SHE CANNOT DO IT.
SHE CAN'T DO IT.
THIS IS A REAL MATCH!

SHE CAN'T DO IT.
THIS IS A REAL MATCH!
YOU WOULD HURT YOUR BABY.

THIS IS A REAL MATCH!
YOU WOULD HURT YOUR BABY.
THE NEXT GIRL WHO WAS CLOSE...

YOU WOULD HURT YOUR BABY.
THE NEXT GIRL WHO WAS CLOSE...
WAS THE TALL ONE!

THE NEXT GIRL WHO WAS CLOSE...
WAS THE TALL ONE!
THE TALL ONE!

WAS THE TALL ONE!
THE TALL ONE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE TALL ONE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
HOW COULD YOU COME UP

HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
HOW COULD YOU COME UP
PREGNANT LIKE THAT?

HOW COULD YOU COME UP
PREGNANT LIKE THAT?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PREGNANT LIKE THAT?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I MUST APOLOGIZE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I MUST APOLOGIZE.
THIS LADY IS PREGNANT.

I MUST APOLOGIZE.
THIS LADY IS PREGNANT.
AH, WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

THIS LADY IS PREGNANT.
AH, WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.

AH, WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.

IT'S A THREE MINUTE,
IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND.
IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND.

IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND.
IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND.
SHE HAS TO PIN ANDY'S SHOULDERS

IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND.
SHE HAS TO PIN ANDY'S SHOULDERS
TO THE MAT FOR THE

SHE HAS TO PIN ANDY'S SHOULDERS
TO THE MAT FOR THE
COUNT OF THREE.

TO THE MAT FOR THE
COUNT OF THREE.
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PIN HER.

COUNT OF THREE.
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PIN HER.
SHE HAS TO PIN HIM.

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PIN HER.
SHE HAS TO PIN HIM.
ARE YOU ALL READY?

SHE HAS TO PIN HIM.
ARE YOU ALL READY?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

ARE YOU ALL READY?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MIMI.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MIMI.
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN

MIMI.
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
ME BEFORE, RIGHT?

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
ME BEFORE, RIGHT?
THIS IS NOT SET UP.

ME BEFORE, RIGHT?
THIS IS NOT SET UP.
OKAY, THREE MINUTES.

THIS IS NOT SET UP.
OKAY, THREE MINUTES.
WHY ARE YOU IN THOSE?

OKAY, THREE MINUTES.
WHY ARE YOU IN THOSE?
I WAS DANCING...

WHY ARE YOU IN THOSE?
I WAS DANCING...
YOU'RE DANCING, OKAY.

[BELL RINGS]

Crowd: COME ON, MIMI!
SHUT UP!

[CROWD CHEERS MIMI ON...]

[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

SHE WAS BITING, ZMUDA!
SHE WAS BITING!
NO BITING, NO BITING.

SHE WAS BITING!
NO BITING, NO BITING.
Mimi: HE TOUCHED MY BOOBS.

[CROWD BOOS]
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
SHUT...!

SHUT UP!
SHUT...!
[CROWD CHEERS]

I'M NOT CHOKIN'!
COME ON!
COMPETITION!

COME ON!
COMPETITION!
LET'S GET SOME COMPETION HERE!

ONE, TWO, THREE!
[BELL RINGS]
HE'S GOT IT, HE'S GOT IT!

[BELL RINGS]
HE'S GOT IT, HE'S GOT IT!
[CROWD BOOS]

DIANA NYAD!
I CHALLENGED YOU!
YOU CHICKENED OUT!

I CHALLENGED YOU!
YOU CHICKENED OUT!
YOU SWAM TO CUBA!

YOU CHICKENED OUT!
YOU SWAM TO CUBA!
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] WITH ALL

YOU SWAM TO CUBA!
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] WITH ALL
THE SHARKS AND THE JELLYFISH!

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] WITH ALL
THE SHARKS AND THE JELLYFISH!
BUT YOU'RE AFRAID TO WRESTLE ME?

THE SHARKS AND THE JELLYFISH!
BUT YOU'RE AFRAID TO WRESTLE ME?
DIANA, I WON'T OFFER YOU $500.

BUT YOU'RE AFRAID TO WRESTLE ME?
DIANA, I WON'T OFFER YOU $500.
I'LL OFFER YOU...

DIANA, I WON'T OFFER YOU $500.
I'LL OFFER YOU...
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'LL OFFER YOU...
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'LL OFFER YOU $1,000, $2,000...

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'LL OFFER YOU $1,000, $2,000...
YOU WANT $10,000?

I'LL OFFER YOU $1,000, $2,000...
YOU WANT $10,000?
I'LL GIVE IT TO YA.

YOU WANT $10,000?
I'LL GIVE IT TO YA.
IF YOU COULD PIN ME HERE

I'LL GIVE IT TO YA.
IF YOU COULD PIN ME HERE
IN THIS RING!

IF YOU COULD PIN ME HERE
IN THIS RING!
NOT ONLY THAT BUT I'LL HAVE A

IN THIS RING!
NOT ONLY THAT BUT I'LL HAVE A
BARBER HERE AND, IF YOU BEAT ME,

NOT ONLY THAT BUT I'LL HAVE A
BARBER HERE AND, IF YOU BEAT ME,
I WILL HAVE MY HEAD SHAVED BALD

BARBER HERE AND, IF YOU BEAT ME,
I WILL HAVE MY HEAD SHAVED BALD
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

I WILL HAVE MY HEAD SHAVED BALD
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
RIGHT HERE IN THE RING!

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
RIGHT HERE IN THE RING!
DIANA, ANYTIME, BABY!

RIGHT HERE IN THE RING!
DIANA, ANYTIME, BABY!
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO IT!

DIANA, ANYTIME, BABY!
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO IT!
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO IT!

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO IT!
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO IT!
DIANA, DO I HEAR YOU?

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO IT!
DIANA, DO I HEAR YOU?
[CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN]

DIANA, DO I HEAR YOU?
[CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN]
COME ON, BABY!

[CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN]
COME ON, BABY!
WRESTLE ME!

COME ON, BABY!
WRESTLE ME!
[APPLAUSE AND GROANS]

WRESTLE ME!
[APPLAUSE AND GROANS]
SHUT UP!

[APPLAUSE AND GROANS]
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!

[♪...]

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME...
TO "HEAVY SARCASM".
I'M YOUR HOST, JOAN FACE.

TO "HEAVY SARCASM".
I'M YOUR HOST, JOAN FACE.
AS YOU MAY KNOW, THIS IS OUR

I'M YOUR HOST, JOAN FACE.
AS YOU MAY KNOW, THIS IS OUR
LAST SHOW TONIGHT

AS YOU MAY KNOW, THIS IS OUR
LAST SHOW TONIGHT
BUT WE'VE PUT TOGETHER A

LAST SHOW TONIGHT
BUT WE'VE PUT TOGETHER A
REALLY FASCINATING PROGRAM.

BUT WE'VE PUT TOGETHER A
REALLY FASCINATING PROGRAM.
I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT.

REALLY FASCINATING PROGRAM.
I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT.
MY FIRST GUEST IS A GREAT,

I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT.
MY FIRST GUEST IS A GREAT,
GREAT WRITER, NIGEL QUIST,

MY FIRST GUEST IS A GREAT,
GREAT WRITER, NIGEL QUIST,
WHOM I KNOW YOU'RE ALL BIG FANS

GREAT WRITER, NIGEL QUIST,
WHOM I KNOW YOU'RE ALL BIG FANS
OF, AS WHO WOULDN'T BE?

WHOM I KNOW YOU'RE ALL BIG FANS
OF, AS WHO WOULDN'T BE?
THANK YOU, JOAN.

OF, AS WHO WOULDN'T BE?
THANK YOU, JOAN.
BEING ON YOUR SHOW IS

THANK YOU, JOAN.
BEING ON YOUR SHOW IS
A REAL THRILL FOR ME!

BEING ON YOUR SHOW IS
A REAL THRILL FOR ME!
[LAUGHTER]

A REAL THRILL FOR ME!
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S CERTAINLY A MUST FOR

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S CERTAINLY A MUST FOR
ANY AUTHOR PROMOTING A BOOK.

IT'S CERTAINLY A MUST FOR
ANY AUTHOR PROMOTING A BOOK.
WELL, YOUR CAREER IS

ANY AUTHOR PROMOTING A BOOK.
WELL, YOUR CAREER IS
REALLY TAKING OFF.

WELL, YOUR CAREER IS
REALLY TAKING OFF.
I HEAR YOU'VE JUST

REALLY TAKING OFF.
I HEAR YOU'VE JUST
WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT

I HEAR YOU'VE JUST
WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT
BRUCE AND CHRISTY JENNER.

WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT
BRUCE AND CHRISTY JENNER.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A REALLY

BRUCE AND CHRISTY JENNER.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A REALLY
REWARDING EXPERIENCE.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A REALLY
REWARDING EXPERIENCE.
YES, IT REALLY WAS

REWARDING EXPERIENCE.
YES, IT REALLY WAS
REALLY INTERESTING TO WRITE.

YES, IT REALLY WAS
REALLY INTERESTING TO WRITE.
I MEAN, THEY ARE A

REALLY INTERESTING TO WRITE.
I MEAN, THEY ARE A
WONDERFUL COUPLE.

I MEAN, THEY ARE A
WONDERFUL COUPLE.
WELL, I'M SURE YOUR BOOK

WONDERFUL COUPLE.
WELL, I'M SURE YOUR BOOK
WILL SELL MILLIONS.

WELL, I'M SURE YOUR BOOK
WILL SELL MILLIONS.
I HOPE SO.

WILL SELL MILLIONS.
I HOPE SO.
AFTER ALL, WHAT COULD BE

I HOPE SO.
AFTER ALL, WHAT COULD BE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN BRUCE AND

AFTER ALL, WHAT COULD BE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN BRUCE AND
CHRISTY JENNER?

MORE IMPORTANT THAN BRUCE AND
CHRISTY JENNER?
OKAY.

CHRISTY JENNER?
OKAY.
LET'S INTRODUCE OUR SECOND

OKAY.
LET'S INTRODUCE OUR SECOND
EXCITING GUEST.

LET'S INTRODUCE OUR SECOND
EXCITING GUEST.
AN UNBELIEVABLY GIFTED YOUNG

EXCITING GUEST.
AN UNBELIEVABLY GIFTED YOUNG
ACTOR, GREG MALONE.

AN UNBELIEVABLY GIFTED YOUNG
ACTOR, GREG MALONE.
AW, THANKS, JOAN.

ACTOR, GREG MALONE.
AW, THANKS, JOAN.
BY THE WAY, YOU LOOK GREAT.

AW, THANKS, JOAN.
BY THE WAY, YOU LOOK GREAT.
[LAUGHTER]

BY THE WAY, YOU LOOK GREAT.
[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU, GREG.

[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU, GREG.
YOU'RE THE LUCKY YOUNG MAN WHO'S

THANK YOU, GREG.
YOU'RE THE LUCKY YOUNG MAN WHO'S
BEEN CHOSEN TO PLAY BRUCE JENNER

YOU'RE THE LUCKY YOUNG MAN WHO'S
BEEN CHOSEN TO PLAY BRUCE JENNER
IN THE FILM VERSION OF, UH..

BEEN CHOSEN TO PLAY BRUCE JENNER
IN THE FILM VERSION OF, UH..
NIGEL'S BOOK.

IN THE FILM VERSION OF, UH..
NIGEL'S BOOK.
OH, YEAH, IT'S A REAL BREAK.

NIGEL'S BOOK.
OH, YEAH, IT'S A REAL BREAK.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER KNEW WHAT A

OH, YEAH, IT'S A REAL BREAK.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER KNEW WHAT A
DEEPLY COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL

YOU KNOW, I NEVER KNEW WHAT A
DEEPLY COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL
BRUCE JENNER WAS, YOU KNOW?

DEEPLY COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL
BRUCE JENNER WAS, YOU KNOW?
AND WORKING WITH NIGEL

BRUCE JENNER WAS, YOU KNOW?
AND WORKING WITH NIGEL
HAS BEEN SO GREAT.

AND WORKING WITH NIGEL
HAS BEEN SO GREAT.
HE IS A REAL GENIUS.

HAS BEEN SO GREAT.
HE IS A REAL GENIUS.
YEAH, GREG'S PERFORMANCE

HE IS A REAL GENIUS.
YEAH, GREG'S PERFORMANCE
IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!

YEAH, GREG'S PERFORMANCE
IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!
A REAL OSCAR WINNER.

IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!
A REAL OSCAR WINNER.
GREG, I KNOW EVERYONE

A REAL OSCAR WINNER.
GREG, I KNOW EVERYONE
IN OUR AUDIENCE FOLLOWS

GREG, I KNOW EVERYONE
IN OUR AUDIENCE FOLLOWS
YOUR CAREER CLOSELY...

IN OUR AUDIENCE FOLLOWS
YOUR CAREER CLOSELY...
I'M SURE THEY'RE AWARE OF THE

YOUR CAREER CLOSELY...
I'M SURE THEY'RE AWARE OF THE
RECENT TRAGEDY IN YOUR LIFE.

I'M SURE THEY'RE AWARE OF THE
RECENT TRAGEDY IN YOUR LIFE.
BY THAT, I MEAN THE DEATH OF

RECENT TRAGEDY IN YOUR LIFE.
BY THAT, I MEAN THE DEATH OF
YOUR ATTRACTIVE FIANCEE.

BY THAT, I MEAN THE DEATH OF
YOUR ATTRACTIVE FIANCEE.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN

YOUR ATTRACTIVE FIANCEE.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN
A TREMENDOUS LOSS.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN
A TREMENDOUS LOSS.
[LAUGHTER]

A TREMENDOUS LOSS.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, GEE SHUCKS,

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, GEE SHUCKS,
THANKS, JOAN.

WELL, GEE SHUCKS,
THANKS, JOAN.
THAT'S REAL NICE OF YOU.

THANKS, JOAN.
THAT'S REAL NICE OF YOU.
IT'S REALLY COMFORTING IN THIS

THAT'S REAL NICE OF YOU.
IT'S REALLY COMFORTING IN THIS
INDUSTRY TO FIND SOMEONE

IT'S REALLY COMFORTING IN THIS
INDUSTRY TO FIND SOMEONE
SO WARM AS YOU.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW ANY FILM COULD SURPASS...
NIGEL'S BOOK!

HOW ANY FILM COULD SURPASS...
NIGEL'S BOOK!
BUT I'M SURE WE'LL ALL BE

NIGEL'S BOOK!
BUT I'M SURE WE'LL ALL BE
FLOCKING TO THE THEATERS

BUT I'M SURE WE'LL ALL BE
FLOCKING TO THE THEATERS
TO SEE IT.

FLOCKING TO THE THEATERS
TO SEE IT.
WELL, THAT ABOUT WRAPS UP OUR

TO SEE IT.
WELL, THAT ABOUT WRAPS UP OUR
LAST SHOW, AND WHAT A CAPPER

WELL, THAT ABOUT WRAPS UP OUR
LAST SHOW, AND WHAT A CAPPER
TO THE WHOLE SERIES IT'S BEEN.

LAST SHOW, AND WHAT A CAPPER
TO THE WHOLE SERIES IT'S BEEN.
I MUST SAY, JOAN,

TO THE WHOLE SERIES IT'S BEEN.
I MUST SAY, JOAN,
WHEN I HEARD YOUR SHOW WAS

I MUST SAY, JOAN,
WHEN I HEARD YOUR SHOW WAS
CANCELLED, I WAS REALLY

WHEN I HEARD YOUR SHOW WAS
CANCELLED, I WAS REALLY
SURPRISED.

CANCELLED, I WAS REALLY
SURPRISED.
OH YEAH, I KNOW

SURPRISED.
OH YEAH, I KNOW
I NEVER MISSED IT.

OH YEAH, I KNOW
I NEVER MISSED IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT

I NEVER MISSED IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO WITH MY

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO WITH MY
WEDNESDAY AFTERNOONS NOW.

I'M GONNA DO WITH MY
WEDNESDAY AFTERNOONS NOW.
WELL, IT'S BEEN

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOONS NOW.
WELL, IT'S BEEN
TERRIFIC FUN.

WELL, IT'S BEEN
TERRIFIC FUN.
LET'S ALL WORK TOGETHER

TERRIFIC FUN.
LET'S ALL WORK TOGETHER
REAL SOON.

LET'S ALL WORK TOGETHER
REAL SOON.
GEEZ, I CAN'T WAIT.

REAL SOON.
GEEZ, I CAN'T WAIT.
LIKEWISE!

GEEZ, I CAN'T WAIT.
LIKEWISE!
WELL, THAT'S IT.

LIKEWISE!
WELL, THAT'S IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THE TIME

WELL, THAT'S IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THE TIME
FLIES BY SO FAST.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE TIME
FLIES BY SO FAST.
BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO SAY

FLIES BY SO FAST.
BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO SAY
THAT DOING THIS SHOW HAS MADE ME

BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO SAY
THAT DOING THIS SHOW HAS MADE ME
REALIZE HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE

THAT DOING THIS SHOW HAS MADE ME
REALIZE HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE
LIVING IN THIS COUNTRY, AT THIS

REALIZE HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE
LIVING IN THIS COUNTRY, AT THIS
EXCITING POINT IN HISTORY.

LIVING IN THIS COUNTRY, AT THIS
EXCITING POINT IN HISTORY.
IT REALLY MAKES ME GLAD

EXCITING POINT IN HISTORY.
IT REALLY MAKES ME GLAD
TO BE ALIVE.

IT REALLY MAKES ME GLAD
TO BE ALIVE.
THANKS FROM THE BOTTOM

TO BE ALIVE.
THANKS FROM THE BOTTOM
OF MY HEART.

THANKS FROM THE BOTTOM
OF MY HEART.
THIS HAS BEEN JOAN FACE

OF MY HEART.
THIS HAS BEEN JOAN FACE
FOR "HEAVY SARCASM".

THIS HAS BEEN JOAN FACE
FOR "HEAVY SARCASM".
GOOD NIGHT.

FOR "HEAVY SARCASM".
GOOD NIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW,
ASK ELVIS.
WITH PSYCHIC DOROTHY HAAGEN.

ASK ELVIS.
WITH PSYCHIC DOROTHY HAAGEN.
SPIRITS SPEAK TO THOSE

WITH PSYCHIC DOROTHY HAAGEN.
SPIRITS SPEAK TO THOSE
WHO LISTEN!

SPIRITS SPEAK TO THOSE
WHO LISTEN!
SPIRITS LISTEN TO THOSE

WHO LISTEN!
SPIRITS LISTEN TO THOSE
WHO SPEAK!

SPIRITS LISTEN TO THOSE
WHO SPEAK!
HELLO, I'M PSYCHIC

WHO SPEAK!
HELLO, I'M PSYCHIC
DOROTHY HAAGEN.

HELLO, I'M PSYCHIC
DOROTHY HAAGEN.
TODAY, WE'LL ASK... ELVIS

DOROTHY HAAGEN.
TODAY, WE'LL ASK... ELVIS
ABOUT AN UNUSUAL KIND OF

TODAY, WE'LL ASK... ELVIS
ABOUT AN UNUSUAL KIND OF
MARRIAGE PER-OBLEM.

ABOUT AN UNUSUAL KIND OF
MARRIAGE PER-OBLEM.
AND ALL BECAUSE VIEWER JEANETTE

MARRIAGE PER-OBLEM.
AND ALL BECAUSE VIEWER JEANETTE
BLALOCK FROM SILVER SPRINGS,

AND ALL BECAUSE VIEWER JEANETTE
BLALOCK FROM SILVER SPRINGS,
TEXAS WROTE: "DEAR DOROTHY, I AM

BLALOCK FROM SILVER SPRINGS,
TEXAS WROTE: "DEAR DOROTHY, I AM
ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO A

TEXAS WROTE: "DEAR DOROTHY, I AM
ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO A
TRUCK-A DRIVER.

ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO A
TRUCK-A DRIVER.
I WANT TO HAVE A TRADITIONAL

TRUCK-A DRIVER.
I WANT TO HAVE A TRADITIONAL
WEDDING BUT HE SAYS THERE'S A

I WANT TO HAVE A TRADITIONAL
WEDDING BUT HE SAYS THERE'S A
CHAPEL OUTSIDE A TRUCK PLAZA IN

WEDDING BUT HE SAYS THERE'S A
CHAPEL OUTSIDE A TRUCK PLAZA IN
ATLANTA AND HE'D LIKE TO HAVE

CHAPEL OUTSIDE A TRUCK PLAZA IN
ATLANTA AND HE'D LIKE TO HAVE
IT THERE.

ATLANTA AND HE'D LIKE TO HAVE
IT THERE.
WOULD YOU PLEASE... ASK ELVIS

IT THERE.
WOULD YOU PLEASE... ASK ELVIS
WHO HE THINKS IS RIGHT?"

WOULD YOU PLEASE... ASK ELVIS
WHO HE THINKS IS RIGHT?"
WELL, SWEET SPIRIT, A SHORT TIME

WHO HE THINKS IS RIGHT?"
WELL, SWEET SPIRIT, A SHORT TIME
AGO I ESTAB-A-LISHED CONTACT

WELL, SWEET SPIRIT, A SHORT TIME
AGO I ESTAB-A-LISHED CONTACT
WITH... ELVIS AND READ HIM YOUR

AGO I ESTAB-A-LISHED CONTACT
WITH... ELVIS AND READ HIM YOUR
LETTER AND HERE IS WHAT HE SAID.

Elvis: DEAR JEANETTE: A MAN
CAN BE KIND OF FUNNY SOMETIMES.
WHEN HE EMBARKS ON SOMETHIN'

CAN BE KIND OF FUNNY SOMETIMES.
WHEN HE EMBARKS ON SOMETHIN'
AS NEW AND AS FRIGHTENIN'

WHEN HE EMBARKS ON SOMETHIN'
AS NEW AND AS FRIGHTENIN'
AS MARRIAGE.

AS NEW AND AS FRIGHTENIN'
AS MARRIAGE.
MAYBE A FELLER NEEDS

AS MARRIAGE.
MAYBE A FELLER NEEDS
TO BE SURROUNDED BY FAMILIAR

MAYBE A FELLER NEEDS
TO BE SURROUNDED BY FAMILIAR
PLACES AND FACES.

TO BE SURROUNDED BY FAMILIAR
PLACES AND FACES.
HEY, WHY NOT LET THAT

PLACES AND FACES.
HEY, WHY NOT LET THAT
TRUCK DRIVER MAN OF YOURS HAVE

HEY, WHY NOT LET THAT
TRUCK DRIVER MAN OF YOURS HAVE
HIS WAY ON THIS?

TRUCK DRIVER MAN OF YOURS HAVE
HIS WAY ON THIS?
AND THEN WATCH OUT, HONEY,

HIS WAY ON THIS?
AND THEN WATCH OUT, HONEY,
BECAUSE THEM GEAR JAMMERS CAN

AND THEN WATCH OUT, HONEY,
BECAUSE THEM GEAR JAMMERS CAN
REALLY PUT YOUR HAMMER DOWN.

BECAUSE THEM GEAR JAMMERS CAN
REALLY PUT YOUR HAMMER DOWN.
BUT, SERIOUSLY, JEANETTE...

REALLY PUT YOUR HAMMER DOWN.
BUT, SERIOUSLY, JEANETTE...
IF THE TENSION OF THE WEDDING

BUT, SERIOUSLY, JEANETTE...
IF THE TENSION OF THE WEDDING
PREPARATIONS GETS TO BE TOO MUCH

IF THE TENSION OF THE WEDDING
PREPARATIONS GETS TO BE TOO MUCH
FOR YOU, WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK

PREPARATIONS GETS TO BE TOO MUCH
FOR YOU, WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK
YOUR DOCTOR TO PRESCRIBE SOME

FOR YOU, WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK
YOUR DOCTOR TO PRESCRIBE SOME
TRANQUILIZERS, SLEEPIN' AIDS

YOUR DOCTOR TO PRESCRIBE SOME
TRANQUILIZERS, SLEEPIN' AIDS
AND DIET PILLS?

TRANQUILIZERS, SLEEPIN' AIDS
AND DIET PILLS?
AND TELL HIM THE KING SENT YA.

AND DIET PILLS?
AND TELL HIM THE KING SENT YA.
TRULY YOURS, ELVIS.

AND TELL HIM THE KING SENT YA.
TRULY YOURS, ELVIS.
[APPLAUSE]

TRULY YOURS, ELVIS.
[APPLAUSE]
WELL, DEAR SOUL, I HOPE YOU

[APPLAUSE]
WELL, DEAR SOUL, I HOPE YOU
REMEMBER TO SEND ELVIS AN

WELL, DEAR SOUL, I HOPE YOU
REMEMBER TO SEND ELVIS AN
INVITATION TO THE WEDDING.

REMEMBER TO SEND ELVIS AN
INVITATION TO THE WEDDING.
IN ANY CASE, FOR INCLUDING YOUR

INVITATION TO THE WEDDING.
IN ANY CASE, FOR INCLUDING YOUR
BIRTH DATE AND TIME, HERE'S A

IN ANY CASE, FOR INCLUDING YOUR
BIRTH DATE AND TIME, HERE'S A
BONUS MESSAGE FROM THE SPIRIT

BIRTH DATE AND TIME, HERE'S A
BONUS MESSAGE FROM THE SPIRIT
WORRR-ULD: ACCEPT THE NEW JOB

BONUS MESSAGE FROM THE SPIRIT
WORRR-ULD: ACCEPT THE NEW JOB
OFFER AND FURTHER YOURSELF

WORRR-ULD: ACCEPT THE NEW JOB
OFFER AND FURTHER YOURSELF
SOCIALLY... AND THAT'S FOR EITHER

OFFER AND FURTHER YOURSELF
SOCIALLY... AND THAT'S FOR EITHER
YOU OR YOUR NEW HUS-A-BAND.

SOCIALLY... AND THAT'S FOR EITHER
YOU OR YOUR NEW HUS-A-BAND.
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM YOU THINK

YOU OR YOUR NEW HUS-A-BAND.
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM YOU THINK
ELVIS COULD ANSWER, WHY NOT

WRITE ME, PSYCHIC DOROTHY
HAAGEN, CARE OF YOUR LOCAL

HAAGEN, CARE OF YOUR LOCAL
STATION AND I'LL ASK...

STATION AND I'LL ASK...
ELVIS.

ELVIS.
UNTIL NEXT TIME, SWEET SPIRITS,

UNTIL NEXT TIME, SWEET SPIRITS,
REMEMBER: HE WHO IS RULED BY
THE STARS IS A FOOL.

REMEMBER: HE WHO IS RULED BY
THE STARS IS A FOOL.
HE WHO LETS THE STARS RULE HIM

THE STARS IS A FOOL.
HE WHO LETS THE STARS RULE HIM
IS INDEED WISE.

HE WHO LETS THE STARS RULE HIM
IS INDEED WISE.
GOODBYE.

IS INDEED WISE.
GOODBYE.
[APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY
WONDERFUL, MR. BOB DYLAN.

PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY
WONDERFUL, MR. BOB DYLAN.
[APPLAUSE]

WONDERFUL, MR. BOB DYLAN.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ GOD DON'T MAKE PROMISES
THAT HE DON'T KEEP ♪
♪ YOU GOT SOME BIG DREAMS BABY ♪

THAT HE DON'T KEEP ♪
♪ YOU GOT SOME BIG DREAMS BABY ♪
♪ BUT TO DREAM YOU MUST

♪ YOU GOT SOME BIG DREAMS BABY ♪
♪ BUT TO DREAM YOU MUST
STILL BE ASLEEP ♪

♪ BUT TO DREAM YOU MUST
STILL BE ASLEEP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

STILL BE ASLEEP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ COUNTERFEITED PHILOSOPHIES

THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ COUNTERFEITED PHILOSOPHIES
HAVE POLLUTED ALL

♪ COUNTERFEITED PHILOSOPHIES
HAVE POLLUTED ALL
OF YOUR THOUGHTS ♪

HAVE POLLUTED ALL
OF YOUR THOUGHTS ♪
♪ KARL MARX HAS GOT YA

OF YOUR THOUGHTS ♪
♪ KARL MARX HAS GOT YA
BY THE THROAT AND

♪ KARL MARX HAS GOT YA
BY THE THROAT AND
HENRY KISSINGER'S GOT YOU

BY THE THROAT AND
HENRY KISSINGER'S GOT YOU
TIED UP INTO KNOTS ♪

HENRY KISSINGER'S GOT YOU
TIED UP INTO KNOTS ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

TIED UP INTO KNOTS ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ YOU GOT INNOCENT MEN IN JAIL ♪

THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ YOU GOT INNOCENT MEN IN JAIL ♪
♪ YOUR INSANE ASYLUMS

♪ YOU GOT INNOCENT MEN IN JAIL ♪
♪ YOUR INSANE ASYLUMS
ARE FILLED ♪

♪ YOUR INSANE ASYLUMS
ARE FILLED ♪
♪ UNRIGHTEOUS DOCTORS

ARE FILLED ♪
♪ UNRIGHTEOUS DOCTORS
DEALING DRUGS

♪ UNRIGHTEOUS DOCTORS
DEALING DRUGS
THAT'LL NEVER CURE YOUR ILLS ♪

DEALING DRUGS
THAT'LL NEVER CURE YOUR ILLS ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

THAT'LL NEVER CURE YOUR ILLS ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU ♪

THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW IT'S TOO

♪ YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW IT'S TOO
WORTHLESS TO BE SOLD ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW IT'S TOO
WORTHLESS TO BE SOLD ♪
♪ THEY TELL YOU TIME IS MONEY ♪

WORTHLESS TO BE SOLD ♪
♪ THEY TELL YOU TIME IS MONEY ♪
♪ AS IF YOUR LIFE WAS WORTH

♪ THEY TELL YOU TIME IS MONEY ♪
♪ AS IF YOUR LIFE WAS WORTH
ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD ♪

♪ AS IF YOUR LIFE WAS WORTH
ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪
[♪...]

♪ SPIRITUAL ADVISORS AND GURUS
TO GUIDE YOUR EVERY MOVE ♪
♪ INSTANT INNER PEACE AND

TO GUIDE YOUR EVERY MOVE ♪
♪ INSTANT INNER PEACE AND
EVERY STEP YOU TAKE

♪ INSTANT INNER PEACE AND
EVERY STEP YOU TAKE
HAS GOT TO BE APPROVED ♪

EVERY STEP YOU TAKE
HAS GOT TO BE APPROVED ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

HAS GOT TO BE APPROVED ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ ADULTERERS IN CHURCHES AND

THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ ADULTERERS IN CHURCHES AND
PORNOGRAPHY IN THE SCHOOLS ♪

♪ ADULTERERS IN CHURCHES AND
PORNOGRAPHY IN THE SCHOOLS ♪
♪ GANGSTERS IN POWER

PORNOGRAPHY IN THE SCHOOLS ♪
♪ GANGSTERS IN POWER
AND LAWBREAKERS MAKING RULES ♪

♪ GANGSTERS IN POWER
AND LAWBREAKERS MAKING RULES ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

AND LAWBREAKERS MAKING RULES ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ DO YOU EVER WONDER

THAT REMAIN ♪
♪ DO YOU EVER WONDER
JUST WHAT GOD REQUIRES ♪

♪ DO YOU EVER WONDER
JUST WHAT GOD REQUIRES ♪
♪ YOU THINK HE'S JUST

JUST WHAT GOD REQUIRES ♪
♪ YOU THINK HE'S JUST
AN ERRAND BOY TO SATISFY

♪ YOU THINK HE'S JUST
AN ERRAND BOY TO SATISFY
YOUR WANDERING DESIRES ♪

AN ERRAND BOY TO SATISFY
YOUR WANDERING DESIRES ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

YOUR WANDERING DESIRES ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪
[♪...]

♪ THERE'S A MAN ON A CROSS
AND HE'S BEEN CRUCIFIED ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHO HE IS

AND HE'S BEEN CRUCIFIED ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHO HE IS
AND YOU KNOW WHY HE DIED ♪

♪ YOU KNOW WHO HE IS
AND YOU KNOW WHY HE DIED ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

AND YOU KNOW WHY HE DIED ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪
[♪...]

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS

♪ WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP ♪
♪ STRENGTHEN THE THINGS
THAT REMAIN ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOODNIGHT, GOD BLESS YOU ALL.
THANK YOU.

GOODNIGHT, GOD BLESS YOU ALL.
THANK YOU.
[♪...]

Announcer: THIS WEDNESDAY
WATCH THE BEST OF SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE WITH STEVE MARTIN

WATCH THE BEST OF SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE WITH STEVE MARTIN
AT 10 PM / 9 CENTRAL.

LIVE WITH STEVE MARTIN
AT 10 PM / 9 CENTRAL.
NEXT SATURDAY: A SATURDAY

AT 10 PM / 9 CENTRAL.
NEXT SATURDAY: A SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE ENCORE PERFORMANCE

NEXT SATURDAY: A SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE ENCORE PERFORMANCE
WITH HOST MICHAEL SARRAZIN.

NIGHT LIVE ENCORE PERFORMANCE
WITH HOST MICHAEL SARRAZIN.
WE'LL BE BACK LIVE TWO WEEKS

WITH HOST MICHAEL SARRAZIN.
WE'LL BE BACK LIVE TWO WEEKS
FROM TONIGHT, NOVEMBER 3rd,

WE'LL BE BACK LIVE TWO WEEKS
FROM TONIGHT, NOVEMBER 3rd,
WITH HOST BILL RUSSELL AND

FROM TONIGHT, NOVEMBER 3rd,
WITH HOST BILL RUSSELL AND
MUSICAL GUEST, CHICAGO.

WITH HOST BILL RUSSELL AND
MUSICAL GUEST, CHICAGO.
THIS IS DON "PROUD AS A PEACOCK"

MUSICAL GUEST, CHICAGO.
THIS IS DON "PROUD AS A PEACOCK"
PARDO... GOODNIGHT!

THIS IS DON "PROUD AS A PEACOCK"
PARDO... GOODNIGHT!
[♪...]