Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Steve Martin/Blondie - full transcript

The host for the episode is Steve Martin (his seventh appearance), and the musical guest is Blondie. The skits for this episode are as follows: The Pope makes an appearance at the Monsterdome, where his security staff has to keep the religious hangers-on from crashing the event. For his opening monologue, Steve Martin talks about his new fashion job, then gets angry at the band when they start an unexpected song. An ad pitches the benefits of Craig's Travelers Checks. A Roman Centurion faces a tribe of vandals who egg the soldiers, TP the camp, and have pizzas delivered to the general's tent. Steve pitches a product that allows him to hover over dirty toilet seats. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain and Bill Murray report on the Republican nominees for the 1980 election, a recall of General Motors cars, Fidel Castro's visit to America, and Mayor Koch's plan to publicizes prostitutes and johns, while Father Guido Sarducci talks about the excitement surrounding the Pope's visit to America. Don Kirshner presents another great moment in rock history: Carol King performing "You've Got a Friend" while her friend is being mugged outside her apartment. Mr. Bill tries to do a show without Mr. Hands, but his ex-partner crashes the show anyway. Two tourists stare in amazement at the audience, wondering 'what is that thing?' Blondie performs "Dreaming" and "The Hardest Part".

♪ NBC SMART AS A PEACOCK ♪

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT
EVERYONE, HEY, MOVE BACK PLEASE.
I SAID, HEY, IF YOU NOT ON THE

EVERYONE, HEY, MOVE BACK PLEASE.
I SAID, HEY, IF YOU NOT ON THE
LIST AND AIN'T GOT NO BACKSTAGE

I SAID, HEY, IF YOU NOT ON THE
LIST AND AIN'T GOT NO BACKSTAGE
PASS, STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADE

LIST AND AIN'T GOT NO BACKSTAGE
PASS, STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADE
OKAY?

PASS, STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADE
OKAY?
JUST STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADE.

OKAY?
JUST STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADE.
SAY JACK, SAY JACK, SAY, HEY,

JUST STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADE.
SAY JACK, SAY JACK, SAY, HEY,
YOU GOT A PASS?

SAY JACK, SAY JACK, SAY, HEY,
YOU GOT A PASS?
BISHOP McCREARY PLUS ONE.

YOU GOT A PASS?
BISHOP McCREARY PLUS ONE.
OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

BISHOP McCREARY PLUS ONE.
OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
OKAY, OKAY, RIGHT HERE,



OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
OKAY, OKAY, RIGHT HERE,
YOU'RE ON THE LIST, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, OKAY, RIGHT HERE,
YOU'RE ON THE LIST, ALL RIGHT?
NOW PUT THAT RIGHT THERE

YOU'RE ON THE LIST, ALL RIGHT?
NOW PUT THAT RIGHT THERE
AND GO AHEAD, PLEASE.

NOW PUT THAT RIGHT THERE
AND GO AHEAD, PLEASE.
HERE'S YOUR, BISHOP McCREARY,

AND GO AHEAD, PLEASE.
HERE'S YOUR, BISHOP McCREARY,
GO AHEAD, PLEASE.

HERE'S YOUR, BISHOP McCREARY,
GO AHEAD, PLEASE.
HELLO.

GO AHEAD, PLEASE.
HELLO.
YES, MA'AM.

HELLO.
YES, MA'AM.
I'M SISTER FRANCIS MARY

YES, MA'AM.
I'M SISTER FRANCIS MARY
BRYSON, I'M A MILITANT NUN.

I'M SISTER FRANCIS MARY
BRYSON, I'M A MILITANT NUN.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.

BRYSON, I'M A MILITANT NUN.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.
WELL, YES, I KNOW I'M NOT ON

WELL, YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.
WELL, YES, I KNOW I'M NOT ON
THE LIST, YOU SEE I'M CONCERNED,

WELL, YES, I KNOW I'M NOT ON
THE LIST, YOU SEE I'M CONCERNED,
WELL, PERHAPS CONCERNED

THE LIST, YOU SEE I'M CONCERNED,
WELL, PERHAPS CONCERNED
IS TOO STRONG A WORD.



WELL, PERHAPS CONCERNED
IS TOO STRONG A WORD.
I'M HOPEFUL THAT HIS HOLY FATHER

IS TOO STRONG A WORD.
I'M HOPEFUL THAT HIS HOLY FATHER
WOULD PERHAPS, UM, LISTEN TO,

I'M HOPEFUL THAT HIS HOLY FATHER
WOULD PERHAPS, UM, LISTEN TO,
WELL PERHAPS IT'S UNFAIR TO

WOULD PERHAPS, UM, LISTEN TO,
WELL PERHAPS IT'S UNFAIR TO
SUGGEST THAT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN

WELL PERHAPS IT'S UNFAIR TO
SUGGEST THAT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN
THAT HE WOULD CONSIDER SOME OF

SUGGEST THAT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN
THAT HE WOULD CONSIDER SOME OF
OUR DEMANDS, I MEAN SUGGESTIONS,

THAT HE WOULD CONSIDER SOME OF
OUR DEMANDS, I MEAN SUGGESTIONS,
SUGGESTIONS... FOR INCREASING

OUR DEMANDS, I MEAN SUGGESTIONS,
SUGGESTIONS... FOR INCREASING
THE ROLE OF WOMEN IN THE CHURCH

SUGGESTIONS... FOR INCREASING
THE ROLE OF WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
AND I WOULD LIKE TO ENTER A

THE ROLE OF WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
AND I WOULD LIKE TO ENTER A
FORMAL PROTEST.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO ENTER A
FORMAL PROTEST.
MM-HMM.

FORMAL PROTEST.
MM-HMM.
I MEAN VIGIL!

MM-HMM.
I MEAN VIGIL!
MM-HMM.

I MEAN VIGIL!
MM-HMM.
SILENT VIGIL.

MM-HMM.
SILENT VIGIL.
AND I'LL JUST BE BEHIND THERE

SILENT VIGIL.
AND I'LL JUST BE BEHIND THERE
I MEAN, I WOULDN'T MAKE

AND I'LL JUST BE BEHIND THERE
I MEAN, I WOULDN'T MAKE
ONE SOUND, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T MAKE
ONE SOUND, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN
KNOW I WAS THERE.

ONE SOUND, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN
KNOW I WAS THERE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

KNOW I WAS THERE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
THE POPE SAID THAT ANYONE WHO

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
THE POPE SAID THAT ANYONE WHO
WANTED TO MAKE A PROTEST

THE POPE SAID THAT ANYONE WHO
WANTED TO MAKE A PROTEST
JUST STAND BEHIND THAT BARRICADE

WANTED TO MAKE A PROTEST
JUST STAND BEHIND THAT BARRICADE
AND THE POPE'LL COME OUT TO TALK

JUST STAND BEHIND THAT BARRICADE
AND THE POPE'LL COME OUT TO TALK
TO YOU AT THE END.

AND THE POPE'LL COME OUT TO TALK
TO YOU AT THE END.
OH, OKAY, WELL, THANK YOU.

TO YOU AT THE END.
OH, OKAY, WELL, THANK YOU.
WELL, WOULD YOU MIND IF I

OH, OKAY, WELL, THANK YOU.
WELL, WOULD YOU MIND IF I
LIT THIS CANDLE?

WELL, WOULD YOU MIND IF I
LIT THIS CANDLE?
SURE, BEHIND THE BARRICADE.

LIT THIS CANDLE?
SURE, BEHIND THE BARRICADE.
OKAY.

SURE, BEHIND THE BARRICADE.
OKAY.
"G & K" CLEANERS.

OKAY.
"G & K" CLEANERS.
HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE WINE

"G & K" CLEANERS.
HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE WINE
STAIN.

HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE WINE
STAIN.
HERE MAN, PUT THIS ON

STAIN.
HERE MAN, PUT THIS ON
AND GO AHEAD.

HERE MAN, PUT THIS ON
AND GO AHEAD.
[LAUGHTER]

HI, MONSIGNOR ALDINI
WITH A GUEST.
[CROWD LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]

WITH A GUEST.
[CROWD LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]
SORRY, YOU NOT ON THE LIST.

[CROWD LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]
SORRY, YOU NOT ON THE LIST.
LOOK UNDER MONSIGNORS,

SORRY, YOU NOT ON THE LIST.
LOOK UNDER MONSIGNORS,
IT MUST BE THERE.

LOOK UNDER MONSIGNORS,
IT MUST BE THERE.
NOPE, NOPE.

IT MUST BE THERE.
NOPE, NOPE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS

NOPE, NOPE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
HAPPENING TO MONSIGNOR ALDINI.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
HAPPENING TO MONSIGNOR ALDINI.
WAIT A MINUTE, I'M A FRIEND

HAPPENING TO MONSIGNOR ALDINI.
WAIT A MINUTE, I'M A FRIEND
OF HIS HOLINESS.

WAIT A MINUTE, I'M A FRIEND
OF HIS HOLINESS.
HE TOLD ME STAGE ENTRANCE

OF HIS HOLINESS.
HE TOLD ME STAGE ENTRANCE
WITH A GUEST, NO PROBLEM.

HE TOLD ME STAGE ENTRANCE
WITH A GUEST, NO PROBLEM.
MAN, I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR

WITH A GUEST, NO PROBLEM.
MAN, I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR
FOR EVERY GUY WHO DONE TOLD ME

MAN, I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR
FOR EVERY GUY WHO DONE TOLD ME
HE KNEW THE POPE.

FOR EVERY GUY WHO DONE TOLD ME
HE KNEW THE POPE.
NOW GET BEHIND THAT BARRICADE.

HE KNEW THE POPE.
NOW GET BEHIND THAT BARRICADE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS,

NOW GET BEHIND THAT BARRICADE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS,
MONSIGNOR?

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS,
MONSIGNOR?
WELL, IT COULD HAPPEN.

MONSIGNOR?
WELL, IT COULD HAPPEN.
FATHER RUNYON, JIMMY RUNYON!

WELL, IT COULD HAPPEN.
FATHER RUNYON, JIMMY RUNYON!
HEY, HEY, IT'S ME, ALDINI.

FATHER RUNYON, JIMMY RUNYON!
HEY, HEY, IT'S ME, ALDINI.
HEY, LOOK, IF YOU SEE THE VICAR

HEY, HEY, IT'S ME, ALDINI.
HEY, LOOK, IF YOU SEE THE VICAR
OF CHRIST IN THERE WILL YOU TELL

HEY, LOOK, IF YOU SEE THE VICAR
OF CHRIST IN THERE WILL YOU TELL
HIM HE FORGOT TO PUT ME

OF CHRIST IN THERE WILL YOU TELL
HIM HE FORGOT TO PUT ME
ON THE LIST?

HIM HE FORGOT TO PUT ME
ON THE LIST?
I'M NOT GON' TELL YOU AGAIN,

ON THE LIST?
I'M NOT GON' TELL YOU AGAIN,
MAN, GET BEHIND THE BARRICADE!

I'M NOT GON' TELL YOU AGAIN,
MAN, GET BEHIND THE BARRICADE!
THAT'S ALL WE COULD DO

MAN, GET BEHIND THE BARRICADE!
THAT'S ALL WE COULD DO
AT THE MOMENT.

THAT'S ALL WE COULD DO
AT THE MOMENT.
WE'LL BE BACK.

AT THE MOMENT.
WE'LL BE BACK.
I BELIEVE I'M ON THE LIST.

WE'LL BE BACK.
I BELIEVE I'M ON THE LIST.
I AM THE SINGING NUN.

I BELIEVE I'M ON THE LIST.
I AM THE SINGING NUN.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

I AM THE SINGING NUN.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
NOPE, SORRY.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
NOPE, SORRY.
BUT I AM THE SINGING NUN,

NOPE, SORRY.
BUT I AM THE SINGING NUN,
LISTEN.

BUT I AM THE SINGING NUN,
LISTEN.
♪ [SINGS "DOMINIQUE"] ♪

DOES ANYBODY KNOW THIS
PENGUIN HERE, HUH?
DON'T LET HER IN, SHE'S BEEN

PENGUIN HERE, HUH?
DON'T LET HER IN, SHE'S BEEN
HANGING ON FOR THE WHOLE TOUR.

DON'T LET HER IN, SHE'S BEEN
HANGING ON FOR THE WHOLE TOUR.
HIS HOLINESS SEES HER BACKSTAGE,

HANGING ON FOR THE WHOLE TOUR.
HIS HOLINESS SEES HER BACKSTAGE,
HE'LL FLIP!

HIS HOLINESS SEES HER BACKSTAGE,
HE'LL FLIP!
RIGHT, RIGHT, OKAY.

HE'LL FLIP!
RIGHT, RIGHT, OKAY.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT NOW.

RIGHT, RIGHT, OKAY.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT NOW.
BEHIND THE BARRICADE.

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT NOW.
BEHIND THE BARRICADE.
BEHIND THAT BARRICADE.

BEHIND THE BARRICADE.
BEHIND THAT BARRICADE.
OKAY, I CAN SEE WHY YOU

BEHIND THAT BARRICADE.
OKAY, I CAN SEE WHY YOU
THREW OUT THE SINGING NUN.

OKAY, I CAN SEE WHY YOU
THREW OUT THE SINGING NUN.
SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A DOMINICAN

THREW OUT THE SINGING NUN.
SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A DOMINICAN
BLOODSUCKER, BUT THE HOLY FATHER

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A DOMINICAN
BLOODSUCKER, BUT THE HOLY FATHER
IS EXPECTING ME AND I WOULD NOT

BLOODSUCKER, BUT THE HOLY FATHER
IS EXPECTING ME AND I WOULD NOT
LIKE TO BE IN YOUR ADIDAS WHEN

IS EXPECTING ME AND I WOULD NOT
LIKE TO BE IN YOUR ADIDAS WHEN
THE MAN SAYS "WHERE IS MONSIGNOR

LIKE TO BE IN YOUR ADIDAS WHEN
THE MAN SAYS "WHERE IS MONSIGNOR
ALDINI?"

THE MAN SAYS "WHERE IS MONSIGNOR
ALDINI?"
MAN, GET BEHIND

ALDINI?"
MAN, GET BEHIND
THE BARRICADE!

MAN, GET BEHIND
THE BARRICADE!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS

THE BARRICADE!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
HAPPENING!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
HAPPENING!
DID THE HOLY FATHER SAY

HAPPENING!
DID THE HOLY FATHER SAY
WHAT HOTEL HE'S STAYING AT?

DID THE HOLY FATHER SAY
WHAT HOTEL HE'S STAYING AT?
YEAH, I THINK HE'S STAYING AT

WHAT HOTEL HE'S STAYING AT?
YEAH, I THINK HE'S STAYING AT
THE "Y".

YEAH, I THINK HE'S STAYING AT
THE "Y".
THE "YMCA", ALL RIGHT.

THE "Y".
THE "YMCA", ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, GIVE ME A HAND

THE "YMCA", ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THIS FOOL.

GUYS, GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THIS FOOL.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I AM A MAN

WITH THIS FOOL.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I AM A MAN
OF GOD BUT I HAVE A LIMIT

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I AM A MAN
OF GOD BUT I HAVE A LIMIT
TO MY PATIENCE.

Man: HEY, WHO IS IT?
WHO'S COMING THROUGH?
[CROWD MURMURING]

WHO'S COMING THROUGH?
[CROWD MURMURING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪...]

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!
WITH STEVE MARTIN.

STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS, BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,

GARRETT MORRIS, BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUESTS, BLONDIE.

AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
STEVE MARTIN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
ALTHOUGH I HAVE JUST

VERY MUCH.
ALTHOUGH I HAVE JUST
RELEASED A NEW COMEDY ALBUM,

ALTHOUGH I HAVE JUST
RELEASED A NEW COMEDY ALBUM,
I'M KINDA GETTING OUTTA THE

RELEASED A NEW COMEDY ALBUM,
I'M KINDA GETTING OUTTA THE
COMEDY THING AND I'M SURE A LOT

I'M KINDA GETTING OUTTA THE
COMEDY THING AND I'M SURE A LOT
OF YOU PEOPLE ARE WONDERING WHAT

COMEDY THING AND I'M SURE A LOT
OF YOU PEOPLE ARE WONDERING WHAT
STEVE IS INTO NOW...

OF YOU PEOPLE ARE WONDERING WHAT
STEVE IS INTO NOW...
WELL, I'M KINDA GETTIN' INTO THE

STEVE IS INTO NOW...
WELL, I'M KINDA GETTIN' INTO THE
HIGH FASHION DEAL.

WELL, I'M KINDA GETTIN' INTO THE
HIGH FASHION DEAL.
I'VE ALWAYS ENJOYED THE FASHION

HIGH FASHION DEAL.
I'VE ALWAYS ENJOYED THE FASHION
MAGAZINES LIKE BAZAAR AND VOGUE

I'VE ALWAYS ENJOYED THE FASHION
MAGAZINES LIKE BAZAAR AND VOGUE
AND NOW THEY HAVE THE FASHION

MAGAZINES LIKE BAZAAR AND VOGUE
AND NOW THEY HAVE THE FASHION
MAGAZINES FOR MEN AND THAT'S

AND NOW THEY HAVE THE FASHION
MAGAZINES FOR MEN AND THAT'S
KINDA WHAT I WANNA GET INTO.

MAGAZINES FOR MEN AND THAT'S
KINDA WHAT I WANNA GET INTO.
I WANNA BE A MALE MODEL...

KINDA WHAT I WANNA GET INTO.
I WANNA BE A MALE MODEL...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANNA BE A MALE MODEL...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS GET TO STAND

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS GET TO STAND
LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER...]

♪ [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] ♪
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
HOLD IT, WAIT A MINUTE, CUT IT.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
HOLD IT, WAIT A MINUTE, CUT IT.
WHAT'S WITH THE MUSIC?

HOLD IT, WAIT A MINUTE, CUT IT.
WHAT'S WITH THE MUSIC?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

WHAT'S WITH THE MUSIC?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
WE CAME IN TWO WEEKS EARLY FOR

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
WE CAME IN TWO WEEKS EARLY FOR
REHEARSAL AND WE GET THIS.

WE CAME IN TWO WEEKS EARLY FOR
REHEARSAL AND WE GET THIS.
THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT

REHEARSAL AND WE GET THIS.
THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT
IRRITATES ME!

THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT
IRRITATES ME!
I'M OUT HERE DOING MY MALE

IRRITATES ME!
I'M OUT HERE DOING MY MALE
MODELING BIT, MY BEST BIT,

I'M OUT HERE DOING MY MALE
MODELING BIT, MY BEST BIT,
AND YOU GET SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

MODELING BIT, MY BEST BIT,
AND YOU GET SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
WHAT'S THE DEAL, HOWARD?

AND YOU GET SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
WHAT'S THE DEAL, HOWARD?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

WHAT'S THE DEAL, HOWARD?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
OKAY, OKAY, I CAN WAIT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
OKAY, OKAY, I CAN WAIT.
I CAN WAIT!

OKAY, OKAY, I CAN WAIT.
I CAN WAIT!
[♪...]

[CROWD CHEERS]

[CROWD CHEERS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

THANK YOU!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
SATURDAY NIGHT, SPECIAL GUEST:

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
SATURDAY NIGHT, SPECIAL GUEST:
BLONDIE.

I'M SORRY, I LOOK EVERYWHERE.
I CAN'T FIND THEM.
GREAT, WE'VE LOST OUR

I CAN'T FIND THEM.
GREAT, WE'VE LOST OUR
TRAVELER'S CHECKS.

GREAT, WE'VE LOST OUR
TRAVELER'S CHECKS.
DON'T WORRY, WE CALL THE

TRAVELER'S CHECKS.
DON'T WORRY, WE CALL THE
AMERICAN EXPRESS.

DON'T WORRY, WE CALL THE
AMERICAN EXPRESS.
BUT THEY WEREN'T AMERICAN

AMERICAN EXPRESS.
BUT THEY WEREN'T AMERICAN
EXPRESS.

BUT THEY WEREN'T AMERICAN
EXPRESS.
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.

EXPRESS.
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
MOST PEOPLE CARRY AMERICAN

WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
MOST PEOPLE CARRY AMERICAN
EXPRESS, I'M SORRY.

MOST PEOPLE CARRY AMERICAN
EXPRESS, I'M SORRY.
THEY WERE CRAIG'S

EXPRESS, I'M SORRY.
THEY WERE CRAIG'S
TRAVELER'S CHECKS.

THEY WERE CRAIG'S
TRAVELER'S CHECKS.
OH, CRAIG'S!

TRAVELER'S CHECKS.
OH, CRAIG'S!
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

OH, CRAIG'S!
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
FORGET ABOUT IT, NO PROBLEM.

HI, I'M CRAIG.
I'M CHEAPER AND MORE RELIABLE
THAN AMERICAN EXPRESS 'CAUSE

I'M CHEAPER AND MORE RELIABLE
THAN AMERICAN EXPRESS 'CAUSE
I NEVER LEAVE MY APARTMENT.

THAN AMERICAN EXPRESS 'CAUSE
I NEVER LEAVE MY APARTMENT.
YOU CAN CALL ME 24 HOURS A DAY.

I NEVER LEAVE MY APARTMENT.
YOU CAN CALL ME 24 HOURS A DAY.
[PHONE RINGS]

YOU CAN CALL ME 24 HOURS A DAY.
[PHONE RINGS]
HELLO?

[PHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
Operator: COLLECT CALL FROM

HELLO?
Operator: COLLECT CALL FROM
VENICE, ITALY FOR CRAIG.

Operator: COLLECT CALL FROM
VENICE, ITALY FOR CRAIG.
Announcer: CRAIG... HE'S

VENICE, ITALY FOR CRAIG.
Announcer: CRAIG... HE'S
ALWAYS THERE WHEN YOU NEED HIM.

Announcer: CRAIG... HE'S
ALWAYS THERE WHEN YOU NEED HIM.
[PHONE RINGS]

ALWAYS THERE WHEN YOU NEED HIM.
[PHONE RINGS]
Answering machine: HI,

[PHONE RINGS]
Answering machine: HI,
THIS IS CRAIG.

Answering machine: HI,
THIS IS CRAIG.
I'M IN THE SHOWER RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS CRAIG.
I'M IN THE SHOWER RIGHT NOW.
AT THE SOUND OF THE BEEP

I'M IN THE SHOWER RIGHT NOW.
AT THE SOUND OF THE BEEP
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR NAME AND

AT THE SOUND OF THE BEEP
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR NAME AND
THE COUNTRY YOU'RE IN.

[BEEP]

[APPLAUSE]

♪ [T.V. MUSIC PLAYS] ♪
HONEY, WHAT'S... WHAT IS A
THREE-LETTER ABBREVIATION FOR

HONEY, WHAT'S... WHAT IS A
THREE-LETTER ABBREVIATION FOR
AUTOMOBILE ASSOCIATION

THREE-LETTER ABBREVIATION FOR
AUTOMOBILE ASSOCIATION
OF AMERICA?

AUTOMOBILE ASSOCIATION
OF AMERICA?
I'M WATCHING A MOVIE,

OF AMERICA?
I'M WATCHING A MOVIE,
I'LL HELP YOU DURING A

I'M WATCHING A MOVIE,
I'LL HELP YOU DURING A
COMMERCIAL.

I'LL HELP YOU DURING A
COMMERCIAL.
IT STARTS WITH AN A.

COMMERCIAL.
IT STARTS WITH AN A.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

IT STARTS WITH AN A.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.

WOULD YOU GET THAT?
UH, MAY I HELP YOU?
[APPLAUSE]

UH, MAY I HELP YOU?
[APPLAUSE]
I THINK IT'S I WHO CAN

[APPLAUSE]
I THINK IT'S I WHO CAN
HELP YOU.

I THINK IT'S I WHO CAN
HELP YOU.
YOU ENJOY THE SPANISH LANGUAGE,

HELP YOU.
YOU ENJOY THE SPANISH LANGUAGE,
DON'T YOU?

YOU ENJOY THE SPANISH LANGUAGE,
DON'T YOU?
AH, I DON'T KNOW, I REALLY

DON'T YOU?
AH, I DON'T KNOW, I REALLY
NEVER THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT IT.

AH, I DON'T KNOW, I REALLY
NEVER THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT IT.
WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

NEVER THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT IT.
WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
I'LL HAVE YOU SPEAKING IT

WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
I'LL HAVE YOU SPEAKING IT
IN NO TIME.

I'LL HAVE YOU SPEAKING IT
IN NO TIME.
I'M A SPANISH TUTOR.

IN NO TIME.
I'M A SPANISH TUTOR.
LOOK, UM, I'M REALLY NOT

I'M A SPANISH TUTOR.
LOOK, UM, I'M REALLY NOT
INTERESTED IN SPANISH.

LOOK, UM, I'M REALLY NOT
INTERESTED IN SPANISH.
THANK YOU ANYWAY.

INTERESTED IN SPANISH.
THANK YOU ANYWAY.
IT DOESN'T COST A THING.

THANK YOU ANYWAY.
IT DOESN'T COST A THING.
YOU SEE I'M A VOLUNTEER.

IT DOESN'T COST A THING.
YOU SEE I'M A VOLUNTEER.
I LIVE NEARBY AND I GIVE

YOU SEE I'M A VOLUNTEER.
I LIVE NEARBY AND I GIVE
MY SERVICE FREE OF CHARGE.

I LIVE NEARBY AND I GIVE
MY SERVICE FREE OF CHARGE.
I THINK THE BEST WAY TO HELP

MY SERVICE FREE OF CHARGE.
I THINK THE BEST WAY TO HELP
PEOPLE IS TO TEACH THEM

I THINK THE BEST WAY TO HELP
PEOPLE IS TO TEACH THEM
SOMETHING THAT YOU DO WELL.

PEOPLE IS TO TEACH THEM
SOMETHING THAT YOU DO WELL.
AND I ALWAYS DID WELL IN SPANISH

SOMETHING THAT YOU DO WELL.
AND I ALWAYS DID WELL IN SPANISH
IN SCHOOL.

AND I ALWAYS DID WELL IN SPANISH
IN SCHOOL.
WELL, MY HUSBAND AND I REALLY

IN SCHOOL.
WELL, MY HUSBAND AND I REALLY
AREN'T INTERESTED.

WELL, MY HUSBAND AND I REALLY
AREN'T INTERESTED.
WE'RE WATCHING TELEVISION.

AREN'T INTERESTED.
WE'RE WATCHING TELEVISION.
WELL, WHAT IS YOUR

WE'RE WATCHING TELEVISION.
WELL, WHAT IS YOUR
HUSBAND'S NAME?

WELL, WHAT IS YOUR
HUSBAND'S NAME?
PAUL.

HUSBAND'S NAME?
PAUL.
EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.

PAUL.
EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.
ESTE ES PABLO?

EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.
ESTE ES PABLO?
WELL, YEAH, THAT'S PABLO.

ESTE ES PABLO?
WELL, YEAH, THAT'S PABLO.
HOLA, PABLO.

WELL, YEAH, THAT'S PABLO.
HOLA, PABLO.
HOLA, PABLO, HOLA.

HOLA, PABLO.
HOLA, PABLO, HOLA.
ME LLAMO SEÑOR SMITH.

HOLA, PABLO, HOLA.
ME LLAMO SEÑOR SMITH.
EN ESPAÑOL, LOPEZ.

ME LLAMO SEÑOR SMITH.
EN ESPAÑOL, LOPEZ.
ME LLAMO SEÑOR LOPEZ.

EN ESPAÑOL, LOPEZ.
ME LLAMO SEÑOR LOPEZ.
REPETAME, ME LLAMO SEÑOR LOPEZ.

CHARLENE, WHO IS THIS GUY?
[LAUGHTER]
HE WANTS TO TEACH US SPANISH.

[LAUGHTER]
HE WANTS TO TEACH US SPANISH.
IT'S FOR FREE.

HE WANTS TO TEACH US SPANISH.
IT'S FOR FREE.
ME LLAMO SEÑOR LOPEZ.

IT'S FOR FREE.
ME LLAMO SEÑOR LOPEZ.
USTED SE LLAMA PABLO.

ME LLAMO SEÑOR LOPEZ.
USTED SE LLAMA PABLO.
REPETAME, ME LLAMO PABLO.

USTED SE LLAMA PABLO.
REPETAME, ME LLAMO PABLO.
ME LLAMO PABLO.

REPETAME, ME LLAMO PABLO.
ME LLAMO PABLO.
BIEN, MUY BIEN, PABLO.

ME LLAMO PABLO.
BIEN, MUY BIEN, PABLO.
HE SAID YOU'RE VERY GOOD,

BIEN, MUY BIEN, PABLO.
HE SAID YOU'RE VERY GOOD,
PAUL.

HE SAID YOU'RE VERY GOOD,
PAUL.
CHARLENE, REPETAME, POR FAVOR

PAUL.
CHARLENE, REPETAME, POR FAVOR
ME LLAMO CHARLENE.

CHARLENE, REPETAME, POR FAVOR
ME LLAMO CHARLENE.
ME LLAMO CHARLENE.

ME LLAMO CHARLENE.
ME LLAMO CHARLENE.
BIEN, MUY BIEN, CHARLENE.

ME LLAMO CHARLENE.
BIEN, MUY BIEN, CHARLENE.
THANKS, THANKS A LOT

BIEN, MUY BIEN, CHARLENE.
THANKS, THANKS A LOT
FOR THE LESSON.

THANKS, THANKS A LOT
FOR THE LESSON.
I THINK WE'VE LEARNED ENOUGH.

FOR THE LESSON.
I THINK WE'VE LEARNED ENOUGH.
IT'S NICE OF YOU TO STOP BY.

I THINK WE'VE LEARNED ENOUGH.
IT'S NICE OF YOU TO STOP BY.
EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.

IT'S NICE OF YOU TO STOP BY.
EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.
OH, HE WANTS YOU TO SAY IT

EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.
OH, HE WANTS YOU TO SAY IT
IN SPANISH.

OH, HE WANTS YOU TO SAY IT
IN SPANISH.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY

IN SPANISH.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY
IT IN SPANISH SO GET HIM

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY
IT IN SPANISH SO GET HIM
THE HELL OUTTA HERE, OKAY?

IT IN SPANISH SO GET HIM
THE HELL OUTTA HERE, OKAY?
DICTIONARIO.

THE HELL OUTTA HERE, OKAY?
DICTIONARIO.
ESPAÑOL / INGLES Y

DICTIONARIO.
ESPAÑOL / INGLES Y
INGLES / ESPAÑOL.

ESPAÑOL / INGLES Y
INGLES / ESPAÑOL.
CHARLENE, DONDE ESTA PABLO?

INGLES / ESPAÑOL.
CHARLENE, DONDE ESTA PABLO?
WHERE IS PAUL?

CHARLENE, DONDE ESTA PABLO?
WHERE IS PAUL?
BIEN.

WHERE IS PAUL?
BIEN.
UM, PABLO IS HERE.

BIEN.
UM, PABLO IS HERE.
PABLO ESTA AQUI.

UM, PABLO IS HERE.
PABLO ESTA AQUI.
REPETEME, CHARLENE.

PABLO ESTA AQUI.
REPETEME, CHARLENE.
PABLO ESTA AQUI.

REPETEME, CHARLENE.
PABLO ESTA AQUI.
Both: PABLO ESTA AQUI.

PABLO ESTA AQUI.
Both: PABLO ESTA AQUI.
HONEY, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

Both: PABLO ESTA AQUI.
HONEY, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?
[LAUGHTER]

HONEY, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?
[LAUGHTER]
PABLO, DONDE ESTA CHARLENE?

[LAUGHTER]
PABLO, DONDE ESTA CHARLENE?
CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.

PABLO, DONDE ESTA CHARLENE?
CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.
REPETAME, PABLO.

CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.
REPETAME, PABLO.
CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.

REPETAME, PABLO.
CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.
CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.

CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.
CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.
HONEY, HE'S TALKING TO YOU.

CHARLENE ESTA AQUI.
HONEY, HE'S TALKING TO YOU.
PABLO, YOU'RE REALLY MAKING

HONEY, HE'S TALKING TO YOU.
PABLO, YOU'RE REALLY MAKING
IT HARD FOR ME TO TEACH YOU

PABLO, YOU'RE REALLY MAKING
IT HARD FOR ME TO TEACH YOU
SPANISH.

IT HARD FOR ME TO TEACH YOU
SPANISH.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE

SPANISH.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE
TO LEARN SPANISH IF YOU DON'T

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE
TO LEARN SPANISH IF YOU DON'T
COOPERATE.

TO LEARN SPANISH IF YOU DON'T
COOPERATE.
ES VERDAD, CHARLENE.

COOPERATE.
ES VERDAD, CHARLENE.
NOW, REPETAME, PABLO.

ES VERDAD, CHARLENE.
NOW, REPETAME, PABLO.
DONDE ESTA SEÑOR LOPEZ?

NOW, REPETAME, PABLO.
DONDE ESTA SEÑOR LOPEZ?
DONDE ESTA SEÑOR LOPEZ?

DONDE ESTA SEÑOR LOPEZ?
DONDE ESTA SEÑOR LOPEZ?
SEÑOR LOPEZ ESTA AQUI.

DONDE ESTA SEÑOR LOPEZ?
SEÑOR LOPEZ ESTA AQUI.
All: SEÑOR LOPEZ ESTA AQUI.

SEÑOR LOPEZ ESTA AQUI.
All: SEÑOR LOPEZ ESTA AQUI.
CHARLENE, DONDE ESTA EL

All: SEÑOR LOPEZ ESTA AQUI.
CHARLENE, DONDE ESTA EL
CUARTO DE BAÑO?

CHARLENE, DONDE ESTA EL
CUARTO DE BAÑO?
PAUL, WHAT IS A CUARTO

CUARTO DE BAÑO?
PAUL, WHAT IS A CUARTO
DE BAÑO?

PAUL, WHAT IS A CUARTO
DE BAÑO?
I DON'T KNOW, I STARTED

DE BAÑO?
I DON'T KNOW, I STARTED
STUDYING THE SAME TIME YOU DID.

I DON'T KNOW, I STARTED
STUDYING THE SAME TIME YOU DID.
HOW DO YOU SAY IT AGAIN?

STUDYING THE SAME TIME YOU DID.
HOW DO YOU SAY IT AGAIN?
EL CUARTO DE BAÑO.

HOW DO YOU SAY IT AGAIN?
EL CUARTO DE BAÑO.
OH, IT'S A BATHROOM.

EL CUARTO DE BAÑO.
OH, IT'S A BATHROOM.
OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE

OH, IT'S A BATHROOM.
OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE
DOWN THE HALL.

OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE
DOWN THE HALL.
MUCHAS GRACIAS.

DOWN THE HALL.
MUCHAS GRACIAS.
YOU KNOW... PAUL YOU COULD

MUCHAS GRACIAS.
YOU KNOW... PAUL YOU COULD
TRY TO BE A LITTLE NICER.

YOU KNOW... PAUL YOU COULD
TRY TO BE A LITTLE NICER.
COULDN'T YOU?

TRY TO BE A LITTLE NICER.
COULDN'T YOU?
I MEAN, HE IS TEACHING US

COULDN'T YOU?
I MEAN, HE IS TEACHING US
SPANISH FOR FREE, NO CHARGE.

I MEAN, HE IS TEACHING US
SPANISH FOR FREE, NO CHARGE.
I DON'T CARE, I JUST

SPANISH FOR FREE, NO CHARGE.
I DON'T CARE, I JUST
WANT HIM OUTTA HERE, I GUESS.

I DON'T CARE, I JUST
WANT HIM OUTTA HERE, I GUESS.
BUT HONEY...

WANT HIM OUTTA HERE, I GUESS.
BUT HONEY...
PARDON, EXCUSE ME.

BUT HONEY...
PARDON, EXCUSE ME.
DONDE ESTA EL SHAMPOO?

PARDON, EXCUSE ME.
DONDE ESTA EL SHAMPOO?
[LAUGHTER]

DONDE ESTA EL SHAMPOO?
[LAUGHTER]
PABLO, HE WANTS TO KNOW

[LAUGHTER]
PABLO, HE WANTS TO KNOW
WHERE THE SHAMPOO IS.

PABLO, HE WANTS TO KNOW
WHERE THE SHAMPOO IS.
WHAT'S HE DOING WITH HIS

WHERE THE SHAMPOO IS.
WHAT'S HE DOING WITH HIS
CLOTHES OFF?

WHAT'S HE DOING WITH HIS
CLOTHES OFF?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR

CLOTHES OFF?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR
CLOTHES OFF?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR
CLOTHES OFF?
EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.

CLOTHES OFF?
EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.
JUST DON'T PABLO ME, OKAY?

EN ESPAÑOL, PABLO.
JUST DON'T PABLO ME, OKAY?
GET DRESSED AND GET OUTTA HERE.

JUST DON'T PABLO ME, OKAY?
GET DRESSED AND GET OUTTA HERE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE

GET DRESSED AND GET OUTTA HERE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE
OF THIS GUY?

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE
OF THIS GUY?
HE COMES IN HERE AND WANTS

OF THIS GUY?
HE COMES IN HERE AND WANTS
TO TEACH YOU SPANISH AND

HE COMES IN HERE AND WANTS
TO TEACH YOU SPANISH AND
TAKE A SHOWER.

TO TEACH YOU SPANISH AND
TAKE A SHOWER.
BUT HE'S A VERY NICE GUY...

TAKE A SHOWER.
BUT HE'S A VERY NICE GUY...
[SHOWER RUNNING]

BUT HE'S A VERY NICE GUY...
[SHOWER RUNNING]
DON'T DO SOMETHING SILLY,

[SHOWER RUNNING]
DON'T DO SOMETHING SILLY,
COME ON!

DON'T DO SOMETHING SILLY,
COME ON!
Señor Lopez: OH, DIOS MIO!

COME ON!
Señor Lopez: OH, DIOS MIO!
DIOS MIO!

Señor Lopez: OH, DIOS MIO!
DIOS MIO!
DON'T DO THAT, NO, STOP.

DIOS MIO!
DON'T DO THAT, NO, STOP.
NO, PAUL, STOP IT!

YOU DIDN'T HURT HIM, DID YOU?
NO, HE'S NOT HURT, I JUST
NEVER WANTED TO HEAR ANOTHER

NO, HE'S NOT HURT, I JUST
NEVER WANTED TO HEAR ANOTHER
SPANISH WORD AGAIN.

NEVER WANTED TO HEAR ANOTHER
SPANISH WORD AGAIN.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

SPANISH WORD AGAIN.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
DON'T ANSWER THAT DOOR.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
DON'T ANSWER THAT DOOR.
I JUST WANNA SEE

DON'T ANSWER THAT DOOR.
I JUST WANNA SEE
IF YOU HURT HIM.

I JUST WANNA SEE
IF YOU HURT HIM.
EXCUSE ME, CHARLENE.

IF YOU HURT HIM.
EXCUSE ME, CHARLENE.
DONDE ESTA MI VESTIDOS,

EXCUSE ME, CHARLENE.
DONDE ESTA MI VESTIDOS,
POR FAVOR?

DONDE ESTA MI VESTIDOS,
POR FAVOR?
VESTIDOS POR... HE WANTS

POR FAVOR?
VESTIDOS POR... HE WANTS
TO KNOW WHERE HIS CLOTHES ARE!

VESTIDOS POR... HE WANTS
TO KNOW WHERE HIS CLOTHES ARE!
Paul: I HAD A FEELING.

TO KNOW WHERE HIS CLOTHES ARE!
Paul: I HAD A FEELING.
HERE YOU ARE.

Paul: I HAD A FEELING.
HERE YOU ARE.
MUCHAS GRACIAS.

HERE YOU ARE.
MUCHAS GRACIAS.
DE NADA, SEÑOR LOPEZ.

MUCHAS GRACIAS.
DE NADA, SEÑOR LOPEZ.
DROP DEAD, SEÑOR LOPEZ.

DE NADA, SEÑOR LOPEZ.
DROP DEAD, SEÑOR LOPEZ.
EN ESPAÑOL, QUE ESTES MUERTO,

DROP DEAD, SEÑOR LOPEZ.
EN ESPAÑOL, QUE ESTES MUERTO,
LOPEZ.

EN ESPAÑOL, QUE ESTES MUERTO,
LOPEZ.
QUE ESTES MUERTO, LOPEZ.

LOPEZ.
QUE ESTES MUERTO, LOPEZ.
BIEN, BIEN, MUY BIEN!

QUE ESTES MUERTO, LOPEZ.
BIEN, BIEN, MUY BIEN!
MUY BIEN.

BIEN, BIEN, MUY BIEN!
MUY BIEN.
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

Vandal: CENTURION, CENTURION!
HELLO!
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE,

HELLO!
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE,
WHO IS IT?

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE,
WHO IS IT?
OH NO!

WHO IS IT?
OH NO!
[LAUGHTER]

OH NO!
[LAUGHTER]
OH, OH, NO!

[LAUGHTER]
OH, OH, NO!
NOW, WHO WOULD DO A THING

OH, OH, NO!
NOW, WHO WOULD DO A THING
LIKE THAT?

NOW, WHO WOULD DO A THING
LIKE THAT?
OH, EWW!

LIKE THAT?
OH, EWW!
GUARD!

OH, EWW!
GUARD!
GIVE ME YOUR SWORD!

GUARD!
GIVE ME YOUR SWORD!
THESE ARE MY NEW SANDALS!

GIVE ME YOUR SWORD!
THESE ARE MY NEW SANDALS!
AWW!

THESE ARE MY NEW SANDALS!
AWW!
GUARD, WHO'S RESPONSIBLE

AWW!
GUARD, WHO'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THIS?

GUARD, WHO'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THIS?
APPARENTLY, WE WERE ATTACKED

FOR THIS?
APPARENTLY, WE WERE ATTACKED
DURING THE NIGHT, SIR.

APPARENTLY, WE WERE ATTACKED
DURING THE NIGHT, SIR.
ATTACKED, BY WHOM?

DURING THE NIGHT, SIR.
ATTACKED, BY WHOM?
THE VANDALS, SIR.

ATTACKED, BY WHOM?
THE VANDALS, SIR.
VANDALS, LIEUTENANT?

THE VANDALS, SIR.
VANDALS, LIEUTENANT?
YES, SIR.

VANDALS, LIEUTENANT?
YES, SIR.
A GERMANIC TRIBE DRIVEN

YES, SIR.
A GERMANIC TRIBE DRIVEN
WESTWARD BY CELTIC EXPANSION

A GERMANIC TRIBE DRIVEN
WESTWARD BY CELTIC EXPANSION
IN THE FOURTH CENTURY A.D.

WESTWARD BY CELTIC EXPANSION
IN THE FOURTH CENTURY A.D.
THE VANDALS ESTABLISHED

IN THE FOURTH CENTURY A.D.
THE VANDALS ESTABLISHED
A KINGDOM IN GAUL-

THE VANDALS ESTABLISHED
A KINGDOM IN GAUL-
DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF YOUR

A KINGDOM IN GAUL-
DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF YOUR
FANCY MILITARY SCHOOL NONSENSE!

DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF YOUR
FANCY MILITARY SCHOOL NONSENSE!
I KNOW YOU GRADUATED CUM LAUDE!

FANCY MILITARY SCHOOL NONSENSE!
I KNOW YOU GRADUATED CUM LAUDE!
NOW, I WANT A FULL REPORT

I KNOW YOU GRADUATED CUM LAUDE!
NOW, I WANT A FULL REPORT
OF THE DAMAGE!

NOW, I WANT A FULL REPORT
OF THE DAMAGE!
WELL, SIR, WE HAVE A SCORE OF

OF THE DAMAGE!
WELL, SIR, WE HAVE A SCORE OF
BADLY-SOILED SANDALS,

WELL, SIR, WE HAVE A SCORE OF
BADLY-SOILED SANDALS,
THE TIRES ON YOUR CHARIOT

BADLY-SOILED SANDALS,
THE TIRES ON YOUR CHARIOT
WERE SLASHED...

THE TIRES ON YOUR CHARIOT
WERE SLASHED...
AND IT APPEARS THE ENTIRE CAMP

WERE SLASHED...
AND IT APPEARS THE ENTIRE CAMP
HAS BEEN TP'D SIR.

AND IT APPEARS THE ENTIRE CAMP
HAS BEEN TP'D SIR.
TP'D?

HAS BEEN TP'D SIR.
TP'D?
COVERED WITH TOILET

TP'D?
COVERED WITH TOILET
PAPER, SIR.

COVERED WITH TOILET
PAPER, SIR.
IS THAT... DANGEROUS?

PAPER, SIR.
IS THAT... DANGEROUS?
WELL.. IF IT RAINS.

IS THAT... DANGEROUS?
WELL.. IF IT RAINS.
Captain: CENTURION!

WELL.. IF IT RAINS.
Captain: CENTURION!
CENTURION!

Captain: CENTURION!
CENTURION!
CAPTAIN, WHAT HAPPENED?

CENTURION!
CAPTAIN, WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE IN PURSUIT OF

CAPTAIN, WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE IN PURSUIT OF
THE VANDALS, SIR!

WE WERE IN PURSUIT OF
THE VANDALS, SIR!
WE WERE EGGED!

THE VANDALS, SIR!
WE WERE EGGED!
EGGED?

WE WERE EGGED!
EGGED?
YES!

EGGED?
YES!
PELTED WITH ROTTEN EGGS, SIR.

YES!
PELTED WITH ROTTEN EGGS, SIR.
EVERY LAST MAN, SIR.

PELTED WITH ROTTEN EGGS, SIR.
EVERY LAST MAN, SIR.
I'M AFRAID MARCUS CAUGHT ONE

EVERY LAST MAN, SIR.
I'M AFRAID MARCUS CAUGHT ONE
RIGHT IN THE FACE.

I'M AFRAID MARCUS CAUGHT ONE
RIGHT IN THE FACE.
HE NEVER SAW IT COMING!

RIGHT IN THE FACE.
HE NEVER SAW IT COMING!
OF ALL THE MEN,

HE NEVER SAW IT COMING!
OF ALL THE MEN,
IT WOULD BE MARCUS!

OF ALL THE MEN,
IT WOULD BE MARCUS!
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, LIEUTENANT!

IT WOULD BE MARCUS!
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, LIEUTENANT!
HE COULD HAVE PUT SOMEONE'S

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, LIEUTENANT!
HE COULD HAVE PUT SOMEONE'S
EYE OUT!

HE COULD HAVE PUT SOMEONE'S
EYE OUT!
UH... REQUEST PERMISSION

EYE OUT!
UH... REQUEST PERMISSION
TO CHANGE ARMOR, SIR!

UH... REQUEST PERMISSION
TO CHANGE ARMOR, SIR!
BY ALL MEANS, CAPTAIN,

TO CHANGE ARMOR, SIR!
BY ALL MEANS, CAPTAIN,
YOU'RE STINKING UP

BY ALL MEANS, CAPTAIN,
YOU'RE STINKING UP
THE WHOLE CAMP!

YOU'RE STINKING UP
THE WHOLE CAMP!
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

THE WHOLE CAMP!
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
SIR, YOUR SANDALS TAKE THE CAKE!

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
SIR, YOUR SANDALS TAKE THE CAKE!
[LAUGHTER]

SIR, YOUR SANDALS TAKE THE CAKE!
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT A MESS!

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT A MESS!
LOOK AT THIS!

WHAT A MESS!
LOOK AT THIS!
NOW, WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING

LOOK AT THIS!
NOW, WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING
LIKE THIS?

NOW, WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING
LIKE THIS?
I MEAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!

LIKE THIS?
I MEAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!
WHAT POSSIBLE PLEASURE COULD

I MEAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!
WHAT POSSIBLE PLEASURE COULD
SOMEONE DERIVE FROM THIS?

WHAT POSSIBLE PLEASURE COULD
SOMEONE DERIVE FROM THIS?
THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY, SIR?

SOMEONE DERIVE FROM THIS?
THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY, SIR?
FUNNY?

THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY, SIR?
FUNNY?
DESTROYING PROPERTY AND

FUNNY?
DESTROYING PROPERTY AND
ENDANGERING HUMAN LIFE

DESTROYING PROPERTY AND
ENDANGERING HUMAN LIFE
IS FUNNY?

ENDANGERING HUMAN LIFE
IS FUNNY?
EVIDENTLY, THEY THINK SO.

IS FUNNY?
EVIDENTLY, THEY THINK SO.
TELL ME, LIEUTENANT...

EVIDENTLY, THEY THINK SO.
TELL ME, LIEUTENANT...
HOW IS IT YOU KNOW SO MUCH

TELL ME, LIEUTENANT...
HOW IS IT YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT THESE VANDALS?

HOW IS IT YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT THESE VANDALS?
SEVERAL YEARS AGO, SIR

ABOUT THESE VANDALS?
SEVERAL YEARS AGO, SIR
WE RENTED OUR BEACH HOUSE

SEVERAL YEARS AGO, SIR
WE RENTED OUR BEACH HOUSE
IN CAPRI TO SOME VANDALS.

WE RENTED OUR BEACH HOUSE
IN CAPRI TO SOME VANDALS.
SOME WEEKS LATER, WHEN WE

IN CAPRI TO SOME VANDALS.
SOME WEEKS LATER, WHEN WE
RETURNED, THE HOUSE WAS

SOME WEEKS LATER, WHEN WE
RETURNED, THE HOUSE WAS
A COMPLETE SHAMBLES.

RETURNED, THE HOUSE WAS
A COMPLETE SHAMBLES.
WE STILL CAN'T USE THE ATRIUM.

A COMPLETE SHAMBLES.
WE STILL CAN'T USE THE ATRIUM.
IT'S TERRIBLE.

WE STILL CAN'T USE THE ATRIUM.
IT'S TERRIBLE.
WELL, THAT'S JUST SICK!

IT'S TERRIBLE.
WELL, THAT'S JUST SICK!
I GUESS THIS IS JUST ANOTHER

WELL, THAT'S JUST SICK!
I GUESS THIS IS JUST ANOTHER
EXAMPLE OF THE DECLINE OF

I GUESS THIS IS JUST ANOTHER
EXAMPLE OF THE DECLINE OF
THE ROMAN EMPIRE!

EXAMPLE OF THE DECLINE OF
THE ROMAN EMPIRE!
A SIGN OF THE TIMES, SIR.

THE ROMAN EMPIRE!
A SIGN OF THE TIMES, SIR.
IT MAKES ONE SAD WHEN...

A SIGN OF THE TIMES, SIR.
IT MAKES ONE SAD WHEN...
Woman: PIZZA DELIVERY!

IT MAKES ONE SAD WHEN...
Woman: PIZZA DELIVERY!
WHAT?

Woman: PIZZA DELIVERY!
WHAT?
I ORDERED NO PIZZA!

WHAT?
I ORDERED NO PIZZA!
DID YOU, LIEUTENANT?

I ORDERED NO PIZZA!
DID YOU, LIEUTENANT?
NO, SIR.

DID YOU, LIEUTENANT?
NO, SIR.
WELL, WHO IS, UH...

NO, SIR.
WELL, WHO IS, UH...
"CENTURION LIKUS FLAVIUS"?

WELL, WHO IS, UH...
"CENTURION LIKUS FLAVIUS"?
I AM HE.

"CENTURION LIKUS FLAVIUS"?
I AM HE.
WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS,

I AM HE.
WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS,
YOU ORDERED THREE ANCHOVY

WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS,
YOU ORDERED THREE ANCHOVY
PIZZAS.

YOU ORDERED THREE ANCHOVY
PIZZAS.
BUT THIS CANNOT BE!

PIZZAS.
BUT THIS CANNOT BE!
I ORDERED NO PIZZA!

BUT THIS CANNOT BE!
I ORDERED NO PIZZA!
WELL, SOMEONE HAS TO

I ORDERED NO PIZZA!
WELL, SOMEONE HAS TO
PAY FOR IT!

WELL, SOMEONE HAS TO
PAY FOR IT!
I WALKED TEN MILES WITH THESE

PAY FOR IT!
I WALKED TEN MILES WITH THESE
BUT I'M NOT LEAVING HERE

I WALKED TEN MILES WITH THESE
BUT I'M NOT LEAVING HERE
TILL I'M PAID!

BUT I'M NOT LEAVING HERE
TILL I'M PAID!
OH, VERY WELL..

TILL I'M PAID!
OH, VERY WELL..
BUT IT DOES NOT SEEM FAIR!

OH, VERY WELL..
BUT IT DOES NOT SEEM FAIR!
HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAVE

BUT IT DOES NOT SEEM FAIR!
HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAVE
HAPPENED?!

HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAVE
HAPPENED?!
SIR, I HAVE A THEORY.

HAPPENED?!
SIR, I HAVE A THEORY.
PERHAPS THIS IS THE WORK

SIR, I HAVE A THEORY.
PERHAPS THIS IS THE WORK
OF THE VANDALS.

PERHAPS THIS IS THE WORK
OF THE VANDALS.
BUT WHY WOULD THEY DO

OF THE VANDALS.
BUT WHY WOULD THEY DO
SUCH A THING?

BUT WHY WOULD THEY DO
SUCH A THING?
TO VEX US, SIR.

SUCH A THING?
TO VEX US, SIR.
THEN, THEY SHALL NOT SUCCEED!

TO VEX US, SIR.
THEN, THEY SHALL NOT SUCCEED!
WE SHALL HUNT THEM DOWN AND

THEN, THEY SHALL NOT SUCCEED!
WE SHALL HUNT THEM DOWN AND
FORCE THEM TO PAY FOR

WE SHALL HUNT THEM DOWN AND
FORCE THEM TO PAY FOR
THESE PIZZAS!

FORCE THEM TO PAY FOR
THESE PIZZAS!
Guard: CENTURION!

THESE PIZZAS!
Guard: CENTURION!
CENTURION, WE'VE CAPTURED

Guard: CENTURION!
CENTURION, WE'VE CAPTURED
ONE OF THE VANDALS!

CENTURION, WE'VE CAPTURED
ONE OF THE VANDALS!
HE AND HIS FRIENDS WERE THROWING

ONE OF THE VANDALS!
HE AND HIS FRIENDS WERE THROWING
A DEAD CAT IN THE AQUEDUCT!

HE AND HIS FRIENDS WERE THROWING
A DEAD CAT IN THE AQUEDUCT!
NOW WE'LL GET AROUND

A DEAD CAT IN THE AQUEDUCT!
NOW WE'LL GET AROUND
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!

NOW WE'LL GET AROUND
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!
YOU'RE IN A GREAT DEAL OF

TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!
YOU'RE IN A GREAT DEAL OF
TROUBLE, YOUNG MAN!

YOU'RE IN A GREAT DEAL OF
TROUBLE, YOUNG MAN!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

TROUBLE, YOUNG MAN!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
AUGUSTUS CAESAR!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
AUGUSTUS CAESAR!
DON'T GET SMART WITH ME!

AUGUSTUS CAESAR!
DON'T GET SMART WITH ME!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

DON'T GET SMART WITH ME!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
BRAD GUNDRICK.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
BRAD GUNDRICK.
BUT YOU CAN'T CALL MY PARENTS,

BRAD GUNDRICK.
BUT YOU CAN'T CALL MY PARENTS,
'CAUSE THEY AREN'T HOME!

BUT YOU CAN'T CALL MY PARENTS,
'CAUSE THEY AREN'T HOME!
HE'S LYING, SIR!

'CAUSE THEY AREN'T HOME!
HE'S LYING, SIR!
WE'VE SUMMONED HIS PARENTS,

HE'S LYING, SIR!
WE'VE SUMMONED HIS PARENTS,
THEY SHOULD BE HERE AT ANY

WE'VE SUMMONED HIS PARENTS,
THEY SHOULD BE HERE AT ANY
MOMENT!

THEY SHOULD BE HERE AT ANY
MOMENT!
Mr. Gundrick: WHERE IS HE?

MOMENT!
Mr. Gundrick: WHERE IS HE?
HE'S HUMILIATED ME

Mr. Gundrick: WHERE IS HE?
HE'S HUMILIATED ME
FOR THE LAST TIME!

HE'S HUMILIATED ME
FOR THE LAST TIME!
ALL RIGHT, MISTER...

FOR THE LAST TIME!
ALL RIGHT, MISTER...
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!

ALL RIGHT, MISTER...
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!
WHERE DID YOU EVER LEARN

I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!
WHERE DID YOU EVER LEARN
TO PULL STUNTS LIKE THAT?

WHERE DID YOU EVER LEARN
TO PULL STUNTS LIKE THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.

TO PULL STUNTS LIKE THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH.

I DON'T KNOW.
OH.
CAREFUL, HONEY.

OH.
CAREFUL, HONEY.
BRAD... BRAD, LOOK AT ME.

CAREFUL, HONEY.
BRAD... BRAD, LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!

BRAD... BRAD, LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
BRAD, WHY DO YOU DO THIS?

LOOK AT ME!
BRAD, WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
DO YOU DO THIS TO HURT US?

BRAD, WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
DO YOU DO THIS TO HURT US?
I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU DO THIS TO HURT US?
I DON'T KNOW.
WE'VE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING!

I DON'T KNOW.
WE'VE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING!
YOU WANTED THE SPIKED SWORD,

WE'VE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING!
YOU WANTED THE SPIKED SWORD,
WE GAVE YOU THE SPIKED SWORD.

YOU WANTED THE SPIKED SWORD,
WE GAVE YOU THE SPIKED SWORD.
YOU WANTED THE SLAVE GIRL,

WE GAVE YOU THE SPIKED SWORD.
YOU WANTED THE SLAVE GIRL,
WE GAVE YOU THE SLAVE GIRL.

YOU WANTED THE SLAVE GIRL,
WE GAVE YOU THE SLAVE GIRL.
IS THIS HOW YOU THANK US?

WE GAVE YOU THE SLAVE GIRL.
IS THIS HOW YOU THANK US?
I DON'T KNOW.

IS THIS HOW YOU THANK US?
I DON'T KNOW.
ANSWER YOUR MOTHER

I DON'T KNOW.
ANSWER YOUR MOTHER
WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU!

ANSWER YOUR MOTHER
WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU!
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING:

WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU!
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING:
YOU CAN FORGET THAT TRIP

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING:
YOU CAN FORGET THAT TRIP
TO SPAIN, BECAUSE YOU'RE

YOU CAN FORGET THAT TRIP
TO SPAIN, BECAUSE YOU'RE
GROUNDED, YOUNG FELLOW!

TO SPAIN, BECAUSE YOU'RE
GROUNDED, YOUNG FELLOW!
I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING

GROUNDED, YOUNG FELLOW!
I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING
EVERYBODY ELSE WASN'T DOIN'!

I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING
EVERYBODY ELSE WASN'T DOIN'!
I SUPPOSE IF EVERYONE

EVERYBODY ELSE WASN'T DOIN'!
I SUPPOSE IF EVERYONE
JUMPED OFF A CLIFF,

I SUPPOSE IF EVERYONE
JUMPED OFF A CLIFF,
YOU'D DO THAT TOO?

JUMPED OFF A CLIFF,
YOU'D DO THAT TOO?
I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'D DO THAT TOO?
I DON'T KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
WE APPRECIATE YOUR COMING

[LAUGHTER]
WE APPRECIATE YOUR COMING
DOWN, MR. AND MRS. GUNDRICK.

WE APPRECIATE YOUR COMING
DOWN, MR. AND MRS. GUNDRICK.
WE WILL CONSIDER THIS

DOWN, MR. AND MRS. GUNDRICK.
WE WILL CONSIDER THIS
YOUR SON'S FIRST OFFENSE.

WE WILL CONSIDER THIS
YOUR SON'S FIRST OFFENSE.
BUT THERE IS STILL A LITTLE

YOUR SON'S FIRST OFFENSE.
BUT THERE IS STILL A LITTLE
MATTER OF SOME DAMAGES.

BUT THERE IS STILL A LITTLE
MATTER OF SOME DAMAGES.
I PAID FOR PIZZAS EVEN THOUGH

MATTER OF SOME DAMAGES.
I PAID FOR PIZZAS EVEN THOUGH
I ORDERED NO PIZZAS!

I PAID FOR PIZZAS EVEN THOUGH
I ORDERED NO PIZZAS!
WELL, I THINK THIS IS

I ORDERED NO PIZZAS!
WELL, I THINK THIS IS
COMING OUT OF SOMEONE'S

WELL, I THINK THIS IS
COMING OUT OF SOMEONE'S
ALLOWANCE.

COMING OUT OF SOMEONE'S
ALLOWANCE.
THANK YOU, CENTURION.

ALLOWANCE.
THANK YOU, CENTURION.
I'M SORRY OUR SON HAD TO BE

THANK YOU, CENTURION.
I'M SORRY OUR SON HAD TO BE
INVOLVED IN THIS.

I'M SORRY OUR SON HAD TO BE
INVOLVED IN THIS.
AND I'D LIKE TO SAY IT'S

INVOLVED IN THIS.
AND I'D LIKE TO SAY IT'S
REASSURING TO FIND A ROMAN

AND I'D LIKE TO SAY IT'S
REASSURING TO FIND A ROMAN
MAGISTRATE WHO UNDERSTANDS

REASSURING TO FIND A ROMAN
MAGISTRATE WHO UNDERSTANDS
PROBLEMS CHILDREN FACE GROWING

MAGISTRATE WHO UNDERSTANDS
PROBLEMS CHILDREN FACE GROWING
UP IN NOMADIC HORDES.

PROBLEMS CHILDREN FACE GROWING
UP IN NOMADIC HORDES.
CHANGING SCHOOLS ALL THE TIME.

UP IN NOMADIC HORDES.
CHANGING SCHOOLS ALL THE TIME.
ALL RIGHT, DEAR,

CHANGING SCHOOLS ALL THE TIME.
ALL RIGHT, DEAR,
LET'S NOT TAKE UP ANY MORE OF

ALL RIGHT, DEAR,
LET'S NOT TAKE UP ANY MORE OF
THE CENTURION'S VALUABLE TIME.

LET'S NOT TAKE UP ANY MORE OF
THE CENTURION'S VALUABLE TIME.
THANK YOU, SIR.

THE CENTURION'S VALUABLE TIME.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING YOU'VE

THANK YOU.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN TO SAY, BRAD?

ISN'T THERE SOMETHING YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN TO SAY, BRAD?
I'M SORRY.

FORGOTTEN TO SAY, BRAD?
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T WANNA EVER SEE YOU

I'M SORRY.
I DON'T WANNA EVER SEE YOU
BACK HERE AGAIN, YOUNG MAN.

I DON'T WANNA EVER SEE YOU
BACK HERE AGAIN, YOUNG MAN.
GOODBYE, CENTURION.

BACK HERE AGAIN, YOUNG MAN.
GOODBYE, CENTURION.
YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE

GOODBYE, CENTURION.
YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE
PARENTS LIKE THOSE, BRAD.

YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE
PARENTS LIKE THOSE, BRAD.
YOU LISTEN TO THEM!

PARENTS LIKE THOSE, BRAD.
YOU LISTEN TO THEM!
THEY'RE GOOD PARENTS!

YOU LISTEN TO THEM!
THEY'RE GOOD PARENTS!
LIEUTENANT...

THEY'RE GOOD PARENTS!
LIEUTENANT...
HAVE THE THREE OF THEM

LIEUTENANT...
HAVE THE THREE OF THEM
PUT TO DEATH.

HAVE THE THREE OF THEM
PUT TO DEATH.
AND CUT OFF THEIR HEADS AND PUT

PUT TO DEATH.
AND CUT OFF THEIR HEADS AND PUT
THEM ON SOME POLES OUT IN FRONT

AND CUT OFF THEIR HEADS AND PUT
THEM ON SOME POLES OUT IN FRONT
OF THE CAMP.

THEM ON SOME POLES OUT IN FRONT
OF THE CAMP.
RIGHT, SIR.

[APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BLONDIE.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ WHEN I MET YOU
IN THE RESTAURANT ♪
♪ YOU COULD TELL

IN THE RESTAURANT ♪
♪ YOU COULD TELL
I WAS NO DEBUTANTE ♪

♪ YOU COULD TELL
I WAS NO DEBUTANTE ♪
♪ YOU ASKED ME WHAT'S

I WAS NO DEBUTANTE ♪
♪ YOU ASKED ME WHAT'S
MY PLEASURE ♪

♪ YOU ASKED ME WHAT'S
MY PLEASURE ♪
♪ A MOVIE OR A MEASURE ♪

MY PLEASURE ♪
♪ A MOVIE OR A MEASURE ♪
♪ I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA ♪

♪ A MOVIE OR A MEASURE ♪
♪ I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA ♪
♪ AND TELL YOU OF MY DREAMING ♪

♪ I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA ♪
♪ AND TELL YOU OF MY DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪

♪ AND TELL YOU OF MY DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ DREAMING ♪

♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪

♪ DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT TO LIVE

♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT TO LIVE
ON CHARITY ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT TO LIVE
ON CHARITY ♪
♪ PLEASURE'S REAL

ON CHARITY ♪
♪ PLEASURE'S REAL
OR IS IT FANTASY? ♪

♪ PLEASURE'S REAL
OR IS IT FANTASY? ♪
♪ REEL TO REEL

OR IS IT FANTASY? ♪
♪ REEL TO REEL
IS LIVING RARITY ♪

♪ REEL TO REEL
IS LIVING RARITY ♪
♪ PEOPLE STOP AND STARE AT ME ♪

IS LIVING RARITY ♪
♪ PEOPLE STOP AND STARE AT ME ♪
♪ WE JUST WALK ON BY ♪

♪ PEOPLE STOP AND STARE AT ME ♪
♪ WE JUST WALK ON BY ♪
♪ WE JUST KEEP ON DREAMING ♪

♪ WE JUST WALK ON BY ♪
♪ WE JUST KEEP ON DREAMING ♪
♪ FEET FEET, WALKING ♪

♪ WE JUST KEEP ON DREAMING ♪
♪ FEET FEET, WALKING ♪
♪ A TWO MILE ♪

♪ FEET FEET, WALKING ♪
♪ A TWO MILE ♪
♪ MEET MEET, MEET ME

♪ A TWO MILE ♪
♪ MEET MEET, MEET ME
AT THE TURNSTILE ♪

♪ MEET MEET, MEET ME
AT THE TURNSTILE ♪
♪ I NEVER MET HIM ♪

AT THE TURNSTILE ♪
♪ I NEVER MET HIM ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER FORGET HIM ♪

♪ I NEVER MET HIM ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER FORGET HIM ♪
♪ DREAM DREAM ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER FORGET HIM ♪
♪ DREAM DREAM ♪
♪ EVEN FOR A LITTLE WHILE ♪

♪ DREAM DREAM ♪
♪ EVEN FOR A LITTLE WHILE ♪
♪ DREAM DREAM, FILLING UP ♪

♪ EVEN FOR A LITTLE WHILE ♪
♪ DREAM DREAM, FILLING UP ♪
♪ AN IDLE HOUR FADE AWAY ♪

♪ DREAM DREAM, FILLING UP ♪
♪ AN IDLE HOUR FADE AWAY ♪
♪ RADIATE ♪

♪ AN IDLE HOUR FADE AWAY ♪
♪ RADIATE ♪
♪ I SIT BY AND WATCH

♪ RADIATE ♪
♪ I SIT BY AND WATCH
THE RIVER FLOW ♪

♪ I SIT BY AND WATCH
THE RIVER FLOW ♪
♪ I SIT BY AND WATCH

THE RIVER FLOW ♪
♪ I SIT BY AND WATCH
THE TRAFFIC GO ♪

♪ I SIT BY AND WATCH
THE TRAFFIC GO ♪
♪ IMAGINE SOMETHING

THE TRAFFIC GO ♪
♪ IMAGINE SOMETHING
OF YOUR VERY OWN ♪

♪ IMAGINE SOMETHING
OF YOUR VERY OWN ♪
♪ SOMETHING YOU CAN

OF YOUR VERY OWN ♪
♪ SOMETHING YOU CAN
HAVE AND HOLD ♪

♪ SOMETHING YOU CAN
HAVE AND HOLD ♪
♪ I'D BUILD A ROAD IN GOLD ♪

HAVE AND HOLD ♪
♪ I'D BUILD A ROAD IN GOLD ♪
♪ JUST TO HAVE SOME DREAMING ♪

♪ I'D BUILD A ROAD IN GOLD ♪
♪ JUST TO HAVE SOME DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪

♪ JUST TO HAVE SOME DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ DREAMING ♪

♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪

♪ DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ DREAMING ♪

♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪

♪ DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ DREAMING ♪

♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
♪ DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪

♪ DREAMING ♪
♪ DREAMING IS FREE ♪
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]

I HATE BATHROOMS LIKE THIS...
THEY'RE DIRTY,
THEY'RE DISGUSTING,

THEY'RE DIRTY,
THEY'RE DISGUSTING,
AND THEY'RE GERM-RIDDEN.

THEY'RE DISGUSTING,
AND THEY'RE GERM-RIDDEN.
HI, I'M STEVE MARTIN.

AND THEY'RE GERM-RIDDEN.
HI, I'M STEVE MARTIN.
YOU KNOW, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT

HI, I'M STEVE MARTIN.
YOU KNOW, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT
OR NOT, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ALL

YOU KNOW, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT
OR NOT, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ALL
OF US HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO USE

OR NOT, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ALL
OF US HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO USE
FACILITIES THAT AREN'T EXACTLY

OF US HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO USE
FACILITIES THAT AREN'T EXACTLY
"SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION."

FACILITIES THAT AREN'T EXACTLY
"SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION."
HOW DO YOU PROTECT YOURSELF?

"SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION."
HOW DO YOU PROTECT YOURSELF?
THESE THINGS?

HOW DO YOU PROTECT YOURSELF?
THESE THINGS?
SORRY... TOO THIN.

THESE THINGS?
SORRY... TOO THIN.
GERMS CAN EAT THEIR WAY THROUGH

SORRY... TOO THIN.
GERMS CAN EAT THEIR WAY THROUGH
THIS FLIMSY TISSUE AND ATTACK

GERMS CAN EAT THEIR WAY THROUGH
THIS FLIMSY TISSUE AND ATTACK
YOUR LEG IN NO TIME AT ALL!

THIS FLIMSY TISSUE AND ATTACK
YOUR LEG IN NO TIME AT ALL!
[LAUGHTER]

YOUR LEG IN NO TIME AT ALL!
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S WHY I USE...

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S WHY I USE...
"RISE."

THAT'S WHY I USE...
"RISE."
JUST ONE DROP OF RISE

"RISE."
JUST ONE DROP OF RISE
AND WE GUARANTEE THAT YOUR SEAT

JUST ONE DROP OF RISE
AND WE GUARANTEE THAT YOUR SEAT
WILL NEVER MAKE CONTACT

AND WE GUARANTEE THAT YOUR SEAT
WILL NEVER MAKE CONTACT
WITH THEIR SEAT.

WILL NEVER MAKE CONTACT
WITH THEIR SEAT.
YOU SEE, RISE CONTAINS THE SAME

WITH THEIR SEAT.
YOU SEE, RISE CONTAINS THE SAME
ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS CRAZY GLUE.

YOU SEE, RISE CONTAINS THE SAME
ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS CRAZY GLUE.
[LAUGHTER]

ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS CRAZY GLUE.
[LAUGHTER]
ONLY WE'VE TAKEN OUT

[LAUGHTER]
ONLY WE'VE TAKEN OUT
THE ADHESIVE.

ONLY WE'VE TAKEN OUT
THE ADHESIVE.
THEREFORE, ONCE RISE ENTERS

THE ADHESIVE.
THEREFORE, ONCE RISE ENTERS
THE BLOODSTREAM...

IT ACTUALLY REPELS ALL SURFACES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AM NOW SEATING ABOUT EIGHT
INCHES ABOVE THE BOWL, AND I'LL
SHAKE THE HAND OF ANY GERM

INCHES ABOVE THE BOWL, AND I'LL
SHAKE THE HAND OF ANY GERM
THAT CAN MAKE THAT LEAP!

SHAKE THE HAND OF ANY GERM
THAT CAN MAKE THAT LEAP!
[LAUGHTER]

THAT CAN MAKE THAT LEAP!
[LAUGHTER]
JUST ONE DROP WILL KEEP A GUY

[LAUGHTER]
JUST ONE DROP WILL KEEP A GUY
MY SIZE AFLOAT AND OUT OF DANGER

JUST ONE DROP WILL KEEP A GUY
MY SIZE AFLOAT AND OUT OF DANGER
FOR FIVE FULL MINUTES.

HI!
HELLO!
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

HELLO!
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
YOU CAN SIT IN IT...

THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
YOU CAN SIT IN IT...
OR YOU CAN "RISE" ABOVE IT.

YOU CAN SIT IN IT...
OR YOU CAN "RISE" ABOVE IT.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: RISE.
HELPS KEEP THE "HIGH"

HELPS KEEP THE "HIGH"
IN "HYGIENE".

IN "HYGIENE".
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS

NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
[APPLAUSE]

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN

[APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN
HERE NOW THE NEWS, OUR TOP STORY

GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN
HERE NOW THE NEWS, OUR TOP STORY
TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS, OUR TOP STORY
TONIGHT...
WELL, THE RESULTS ARE IN

TONIGHT...
WELL, THE RESULTS ARE IN
FROM THE DEMOCRATIC COUNTY

WELL, THE RESULTS ARE IN
FROM THE DEMOCRATIC COUNTY
CAUCUS STRAW VOTE IN FLORIDA

FROM THE DEMOCRATIC COUNTY
CAUCUS STRAW VOTE IN FLORIDA
WHERE CARTER COMFORTABLY CARRIED

CAUCUS STRAW VOTE IN FLORIDA
WHERE CARTER COMFORTABLY CARRIED
66 OUT OF 67 COUNTIES.

WHERE CARTER COMFORTABLY CARRIED
66 OUT OF 67 COUNTIES.
THE ONE HE ALMOST LOST WAS

66 OUT OF 67 COUNTIES.
THE ONE HE ALMOST LOST WAS
DADE COUNTY WHERE HIS MOTHER

THE ONE HE ALMOST LOST WAS
DADE COUNTY WHERE HIS MOTHER
WAS ACTIVELY CAMPAIGNING.

DADE COUNTY WHERE HIS MOTHER
WAS ACTIVELY CAMPAIGNING.
THE POLITICALLY SHARP MR. CARTER

WAS ACTIVELY CAMPAIGNING.
THE POLITICALLY SHARP MR. CARTER
SAID HE WAS PLEASED WITH HIS

THE POLITICALLY SHARP MR. CARTER
SAID HE WAS PLEASED WITH HIS
VICTORY AND IMMEDIATELY

SAID HE WAS PLEASED WITH HIS
VICTORY AND IMMEDIATELY
APPOINTED HIS MOTHER AMBASSADOR

VICTORY AND IMMEDIATELY
APPOINTED HIS MOTHER AMBASSADOR
TO ZIMBABWE, RHODESIA UNTIL

APPOINTED HIS MOTHER AMBASSADOR
TO ZIMBABWE, RHODESIA UNTIL
THE 1980 ELECTIONS ARE OVER.

TO ZIMBABWE, RHODESIA UNTIL
THE 1980 ELECTIONS ARE OVER.
IN WASHINGTON, PRESIDENT CARTER

THE 1980 ELECTIONS ARE OVER.
IN WASHINGTON, PRESIDENT CARTER
HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL

IN WASHINGTON, PRESIDENT CARTER
HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL
CONTINUE TO USE TOWN MEETINGS

HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL
CONTINUE TO USE TOWN MEETINGS
AS A FORUM FOR REACHING

CONTINUE TO USE TOWN MEETINGS
AS A FORUM FOR REACHING
THE PEOPLE.

AS A FORUM FOR REACHING
THE PEOPLE.
A MEMBER OF THE PRESIDENT'S

THE PEOPLE.
A MEMBER OF THE PRESIDENT'S
STAFF SAID THAT THE NEXT SUCH

A MEMBER OF THE PRESIDENT'S
STAFF SAID THAT THE NEXT SUCH
MEETING WILL PROBABLY TAKE PLACE

STAFF SAID THAT THE NEXT SUCH
MEETING WILL PROBABLY TAKE PLACE
IN THE SMALL MASSACHUSETTS TOWN

MEETING WILL PROBABLY TAKE PLACE
IN THE SMALL MASSACHUSETTS TOWN
OF CHAPPAQUIDDICK.

IN THE SMALL MASSACHUSETTS TOWN
OF CHAPPAQUIDDICK.
BILL?

OF CHAPPAQUIDDICK.
BILL?
NEW YORK MAYOR ED KOCH

BILL?
NEW YORK MAYOR ED KOCH
ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT CITY

NEW YORK MAYOR ED KOCH
ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT CITY
RADIO STATION WNYC WOULD START

ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT CITY
RADIO STATION WNYC WOULD START
BROADCASTING THE NAMES OF MEN

RADIO STATION WNYC WOULD START
BROADCASTING THE NAMES OF MEN
ARRESTED WITH PROSTITUTES

BROADCASTING THE NAMES OF MEN
ARRESTED WITH PROSTITUTES
IN AN EFFORT TO FRIGHTEN

ARRESTED WITH PROSTITUTES
IN AN EFFORT TO FRIGHTEN
POTENTIAL PATRONS.

IN AN EFFORT TO FRIGHTEN
POTENTIAL PATRONS.
THE PROSTITUTES THEMSELVES

POTENTIAL PATRONS.
THE PROSTITUTES THEMSELVES
WILL HAVE THEIR NAMES LISTED

THE PROSTITUTES THEMSELVES
WILL HAVE THEIR NAMES LISTED
IN THE NEWSPAPERS ALONG WITH

WILL HAVE THEIR NAMES LISTED
IN THE NEWSPAPERS ALONG WITH
THEIR PHONE NUMBERS AND PRICES.

IN THE NEWSPAPERS ALONG WITH
THEIR PHONE NUMBERS AND PRICES.
[LAUGHTER]

THEIR PHONE NUMBERS AND PRICES.
[LAUGHTER]
CUBAN PRESIDENT FIDEL CASTRO

[LAUGHTER]
CUBAN PRESIDENT FIDEL CASTRO
BROUGHT LIVE CHICKENS

CUBAN PRESIDENT FIDEL CASTRO
BROUGHT LIVE CHICKENS
AND LOBSTERS WITH HIM ON HIS

BROUGHT LIVE CHICKENS
AND LOBSTERS WITH HIM ON HIS
TRIP TO NEW YORK AS A SECURITY

AND LOBSTERS WITH HIM ON HIS
TRIP TO NEW YORK AS A SECURITY
PRECAUTION AGAINST POISONED

TRIP TO NEW YORK AS A SECURITY
PRECAUTION AGAINST POISONED
AMERICAN FOOD.

PRECAUTION AGAINST POISONED
AMERICAN FOOD.
THESE ANIMALS WILL TASTE EACH OF

AMERICAN FOOD.
THESE ANIMALS WILL TASTE EACH OF
CASTRO'S MEALS FOR HIM TO MAKE

THESE ANIMALS WILL TASTE EACH OF
CASTRO'S MEALS FOR HIM TO MAKE
SURE THAT THEY'RE SAFE TO EAT.

CASTRO'S MEALS FOR HIM TO MAKE
SURE THAT THEY'RE SAFE TO EAT.
JANE?

SURE THAT THEY'RE SAFE TO EAT.
JANE?
YESTERDAY, VERMONT GOVERNOR

JANE?
YESTERDAY, VERMONT GOVERNOR
RICHARD SNELLING LAUNCHED A

YESTERDAY, VERMONT GOVERNOR
RICHARD SNELLING LAUNCHED A
NATIONWIDE EFFORT TO DRAFT

RICHARD SNELLING LAUNCHED A
NATIONWIDE EFFORT TO DRAFT
FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD

NATIONWIDE EFFORT TO DRAFT
FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD
AS A CANDIDATE FOR THE 1980

FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD
AS A CANDIDATE FOR THE 1980
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL

AS A CANDIDATE FOR THE 1980
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL
NOMINATION SAYING, "IF THE

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL
NOMINATION SAYING, "IF THE
NATION IS OFFERED GERALD FORD,

NOMINATION SAYING, "IF THE
NATION IS OFFERED GERALD FORD,
IT WILL CHOOSE GERALD FORD."

NATION IS OFFERED GERALD FORD,
IT WILL CHOOSE GERALD FORD."
MR. FORD REPORTEDLY REPLIED,

IT WILL CHOOSE GERALD FORD."
MR. FORD REPORTEDLY REPLIED,
"I'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE WHICH

MR. FORD REPORTEDLY REPLIED,
"I'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE WHICH
NATION I'M BEING OFFERED TO.

"I'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE WHICH
NATION I'M BEING OFFERED TO.
I HOPE IT'S GUATEMALA...

NATION I'M BEING OFFERED TO.
I HOPE IT'S GUATEMALA...
IT'S BETTY'S HOME TOWN."

I HOPE IT'S GUATEMALA...
IT'S BETTY'S HOME TOWN."
[LAUGHTER]

IT'S BETTY'S HOME TOWN."
[LAUGHTER]
BILL?

[LAUGHTER]
BILL?
♪ SIXTEEN OUNCES AND

BILL?
♪ SIXTEEN OUNCES AND
JUST ONE CALORIE ♪

♪ SIXTEEN OUNCES AND
JUST ONE CALORIE ♪
Jane: BILL?

JUST ONE CALORIE ♪
Jane: BILL?
SHOUTING JIBES AND CHATTERING

Jane: BILL?
SHOUTING JIBES AND CHATTERING
INCESSANTLY, THOUSANDS OF PET

SHOUTING JIBES AND CHATTERING
INCESSANTLY, THOUSANDS OF PET
PARAKEETS STORMED NEW YORK'S

INCESSANTLY, THOUSANDS OF PET
PARAKEETS STORMED NEW YORK'S
CHRYSLER BUILDING DEMANDING

PARAKEETS STORMED NEW YORK'S
CHRYSLER BUILDING DEMANDING
SMALL ELECTRIC CARS TO DRIVE

CHRYSLER BUILDING DEMANDING
SMALL ELECTRIC CARS TO DRIVE
IN THEIR CAGES.

SMALL ELECTRIC CARS TO DRIVE
IN THEIR CAGES.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY STORMED THE

IN THEIR CAGES.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY STORMED THE
WRONG FLOOR AND ENDED UP

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY STORMED THE
WRONG FLOOR AND ENDED UP
HIGHLY EMBARRASSED.

WRONG FLOOR AND ENDED UP
HIGHLY EMBARRASSED.
HA!

HIGHLY EMBARRASSED.
HA!
THE GENERAL MOTORS CORPORATION

HA!
THE GENERAL MOTORS CORPORATION
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IT WILL BE

THE GENERAL MOTORS CORPORATION
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IT WILL BE
RECALLING A NUMBER OF BUICKS

ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IT WILL BE
RECALLING A NUMBER OF BUICKS
AND OLDSMOBILES IN RESPONSE

RECALLING A NUMBER OF BUICKS
AND OLDSMOBILES IN RESPONSE
TO NUMEROUS COMPLAINTS

AND OLDSMOBILES IN RESPONSE
TO NUMEROUS COMPLAINTS
BY THEIR OWNERS.

TO NUMEROUS COMPLAINTS
BY THEIR OWNERS.
A GM SPOKESMAN SAID TODAY THAT

BY THEIR OWNERS.
A GM SPOKESMAN SAID TODAY THAT
ALL 1937 BUICKS AND 1930

A GM SPOKESMAN SAID TODAY THAT
ALL 1937 BUICKS AND 1930
OLDSMOBILES WILL BE RECALLED

ALL 1937 BUICKS AND 1930
OLDSMOBILES WILL BE RECALLED
TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS THAT

OLDSMOBILES WILL BE RECALLED
TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS THAT
THE UPHOLSTERY IN BOTH THESE

TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS THAT
THE UPHOLSTERY IN BOTH THESE
VEHICLES IS NOW OLD AND

THE UPHOLSTERY IN BOTH THESE
VEHICLES IS NOW OLD AND
MUSTY-SMELLING.

VEHICLES IS NOW OLD AND
MUSTY-SMELLING.
[LAUGHTER]

MUSTY-SMELLING.
[LAUGHTER]
A FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION JUDGE

[LAUGHTER]
A FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION JUDGE
RULED YESTERDAY THAT THERE WAS

A FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION JUDGE
RULED YESTERDAY THAT THERE WAS
NO EVIDENCE THAT BUFFERIN WORKED

RULED YESTERDAY THAT THERE WAS
NO EVIDENCE THAT BUFFERIN WORKED
FASTER THAN ASPIRIN OR THAT

NO EVIDENCE THAT BUFFERIN WORKED
FASTER THAN ASPIRIN OR THAT
EXCEDRIN WAS A BETTER PAIN

FASTER THAN ASPIRIN OR THAT
EXCEDRIN WAS A BETTER PAIN
RELIEVER THAN ASPIRIN

EXCEDRIN WAS A BETTER PAIN
RELIEVER THAN ASPIRIN
AND ORDERED THE MAKER,

RELIEVER THAN ASPIRIN
AND ORDERED THE MAKER,
THE BRISTOL-MYERS COMPANY,

AND ORDERED THE MAKER,
THE BRISTOL-MYERS COMPANY,
TO STOP MAKING FALSE

THE BRISTOL-MYERS COMPANY,
TO STOP MAKING FALSE
ADVERTISING CLAIMS.

TO STOP MAKING FALSE
ADVERTISING CLAIMS.
THE BRISTOL-MYERS

ADVERTISING CLAIMS.
THE BRISTOL-MYERS
SPOKESPERSON COULD NOT BE

THE BRISTOL-MYERS
SPOKESPERSON COULD NOT BE
REACHED FOR COMMENT,

SPOKESPERSON COULD NOT BE
REACHED FOR COMMENT,
REPORTEDLY HAVING STAYED HOME

REACHED FOR COMMENT,
REPORTEDLY HAVING STAYED HOME
WITH A QUAALUDE HEADACHE.

REPORTEDLY HAVING STAYED HOME
WITH A QUAALUDE HEADACHE.
[LAUGHTER]

WITH A QUAALUDE HEADACHE.
[LAUGHTER]
JANE, JUST WHAT DO YOU TAKE

[LAUGHTER]
JANE, JUST WHAT DO YOU TAKE
FOR A HEADACHE?

JANE, JUST WHAT DO YOU TAKE
FOR A HEADACHE?
MIDOL. [CHUCKLES]

FOR A HEADACHE?
MIDOL. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]

MIDOL. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]
ANNIVERSARY WISHES ARE IN ORDER

[LAUGHTER]
ANNIVERSARY WISHES ARE IN ORDER
FOR MR. AND MRS. JAMES EARL RAY

ANNIVERSARY WISHES ARE IN ORDER
FOR MR. AND MRS. JAMES EARL RAY
WHO WERE MARRIED EXACTLY

FOR MR. AND MRS. JAMES EARL RAY
WHO WERE MARRIED EXACTLY
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY.

WHO WERE MARRIED EXACTLY
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY.
THE CONVICTED SLAYER OF

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY.
THE CONVICTED SLAYER OF
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

THE CONVICTED SLAYER OF
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
IS SERVING A LIFE SENTENCE

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
IS SERVING A LIFE SENTENCE
IN BRUSHY MOUNTAIN PENITENTIARY

IS SERVING A LIFE SENTENCE
IN BRUSHY MOUNTAIN PENITENTIARY
WHERE HE HAS BEEN DENIED

IN BRUSHY MOUNTAIN PENITENTIARY
WHERE HE HAS BEEN DENIED
CONJUGAL VISITS WITH HIS WIFE,

WHERE HE HAS BEEN DENIED
CONJUGAL VISITS WITH HIS WIFE,
ANNA.

CONJUGAL VISITS WITH HIS WIFE,
ANNA.
TO CELEBRATE THEIR PAPER

ANNA.
TO CELEBRATE THEIR PAPER
ANNIVERSARY, THE FRUSTRATED

TO CELEBRATE THEIR PAPER
ANNIVERSARY, THE FRUSTRATED
COUPLE EXCHANGED HOMEMADE

ANNIVERSARY, THE FRUSTRATED
COUPLE EXCHANGED HOMEMADE
SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF GREETING

COUPLE EXCHANGED HOMEMADE
SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF GREETING
CARDS.

SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF GREETING
CARDS.
[CROWD LAUGHS AND GROANS]

CARDS.
[CROWD LAUGHS AND GROANS]
SCIENTISTS AT LOS ALAMOS,

[CROWD LAUGHS AND GROANS]
SCIENTISTS AT LOS ALAMOS,
NEW MEXICO SAID THIS WEEK THAT

SCIENTISTS AT LOS ALAMOS,
NEW MEXICO SAID THIS WEEK THAT
TESTS NEITHER PROVE NOR DISPROVE

NEW MEXICO SAID THIS WEEK THAT
TESTS NEITHER PROVE NOR DISPROVE
THAT THE CONTROVERSIAL SHROUD

TESTS NEITHER PROVE NOR DISPROVE
THAT THE CONTROVERSIAL SHROUD
OF TURIN IS ACTUALLY THE

THAT THE CONTROVERSIAL SHROUD
OF TURIN IS ACTUALLY THE
2,000-YEAR OLD BURIAL CLOTH

OF TURIN IS ACTUALLY THE
2,000-YEAR OLD BURIAL CLOTH
OF JESUS CHRIST.

2,000-YEAR OLD BURIAL CLOTH
OF JESUS CHRIST.
NEVERTHELESS, FASHION INDUSTRY

OF JESUS CHRIST.
NEVERTHELESS, FASHION INDUSTRY
SOURCES REPORT THE IMMINENT

NEVERTHELESS, FASHION INDUSTRY
SOURCES REPORT THE IMMINENT
MERCHANDISING OF A NEW DESIGNER

SOURCES REPORT THE IMMINENT
MERCHANDISING OF A NEW DESIGNER
LINE, GLORIA VANDERBILT SHROUDS

MERCHANDISING OF A NEW DESIGNER
LINE, GLORIA VANDERBILT SHROUDS
BY MURJANI, TO COME OUT

LINE, GLORIA VANDERBILT SHROUDS
BY MURJANI, TO COME OUT
IN THE SPRING.

BY MURJANI, TO COME OUT
IN THE SPRING.
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI WAS

IN THE SPRING.
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI WAS
AMONG THE 240 TRAVELING PRESS

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI WAS
AMONG THE 240 TRAVELING PRESS
PEOPLE WHO COVERED THE POPE'S

AMONG THE 240 TRAVELING PRESS
PEOPLE WHO COVERED THE POPE'S
UNITED STATES TOUR.

PEOPLE WHO COVERED THE POPE'S
UNITED STATES TOUR.
I BET IT WAS QUITE A THRILL.

UNITED STATES TOUR.
I BET IT WAS QUITE A THRILL.
HOW DID IT GO, FATHER?

I BET IT WAS QUITE A THRILL.
HOW DID IT GO, FATHER?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

HOW DID IT GO, FATHER?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
IT WAS, IT WAS A REAL THRILL,

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
IT WAS, IT WAS A REAL THRILL,
BILL, IT WAS JUST TERRIFIC.

IT WAS, IT WAS A REAL THRILL,
BILL, IT WAS JUST TERRIFIC.
BUT NOW I'M A LITTLE DOWN.

BILL, IT WAS JUST TERRIFIC.
BUT NOW I'M A LITTLE DOWN.
I HAVE WHAT MY PSYCHIATRIST

BUT NOW I'M A LITTLE DOWN.
I HAVE WHAT MY PSYCHIATRIST
CALLS "POST-PAPAL DEPRESSION."

I HAVE WHAT MY PSYCHIATRIST
CALLS "POST-PAPAL DEPRESSION."
[LAUGHTER]

CALLS "POST-PAPAL DEPRESSION."
[LAUGHTER]
WAS SUCH A HIGH, YOU KNOW, BEIN'

[LAUGHTER]
WAS SUCH A HIGH, YOU KNOW, BEIN'
ON THAT TOUR AND NOW IT'S OVER.

WAS SUCH A HIGH, YOU KNOW, BEIN'
ON THAT TOUR AND NOW IT'S OVER.
ONLY THING I DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT

ON THAT TOUR AND NOW IT'S OVER.
ONLY THING I DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT
THE TOUR WAS THE MERCHANDISING.

ONLY THING I DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT
THE TOUR WAS THE MERCHANDISING.
THEY HAD, LIKE, POPE T-SHIRTS,

THE TOUR WAS THE MERCHANDISING.
THEY HAD, LIKE, POPE T-SHIRTS,
POPE BUTTONS, POSTERS, BANNERS,

THEY HAD, LIKE, POPE T-SHIRTS,
POPE BUTTONS, POSTERS, BANNERS,
ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF.

POPE BUTTONS, POSTERS, BANNERS,
ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN CALL ME

ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN CALL ME
ANTI-MATERIALISTIC IF

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN CALL ME
ANTI-MATERIALISTIC IF
YOU WANT TO BUT I JUST DON'T

ANTI-MATERIALISTIC IF
YOU WANT TO BUT I JUST DON'T
THINK IT'S RIGHT FOR SOMEBODY

YOU WANT TO BUT I JUST DON'T
THINK IT'S RIGHT FOR SOMEBODY
TO MAKE A T-SHIRT, PUT A

THINK IT'S RIGHT FOR SOMEBODY
TO MAKE A T-SHIRT, PUT A
PERSON'S PICTURE ON IT, AND THEN

TO MAKE A T-SHIRT, PUT A
PERSON'S PICTURE ON IT, AND THEN
NOT TO GIVE THAT PERSON PART OF

PERSON'S PICTURE ON IT, AND THEN
NOT TO GIVE THAT PERSON PART OF
THE PERCENTAGE OF THE PROFITS.

NOT TO GIVE THAT PERSON PART OF
THE PERCENTAGE OF THE PROFITS.
[LAUGHTER]

THE PERCENTAGE OF THE PROFITS.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.

[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S AMAZING.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S AMAZING.
IF YOU BUY T-SHIRT LIKE THIS

IT'S AMAZING.
IF YOU BUY T-SHIRT LIKE THIS
IT'S NOT JUST FOR THE T-SHIRT

IF YOU BUY T-SHIRT LIKE THIS
IT'S NOT JUST FOR THE T-SHIRT
YOU BUY IT...

IT'S NOT JUST FOR THE T-SHIRT
YOU BUY IT...
IT'S BECAUSE THE POPE IS ON IT.

YOU BUY IT...
IT'S BECAUSE THE POPE IS ON IT.
IF YOU JUST WANT A T-SHIRT,

IT'S BECAUSE THE POPE IS ON IT.
IF YOU JUST WANT A T-SHIRT,
YOU CAN GO TO J.C. PENNEY'S

IF YOU JUST WANT A T-SHIRT,
YOU CAN GO TO J.C. PENNEY'S
'STEAD OF GOING THROUGH

YOU CAN GO TO J.C. PENNEY'S
'STEAD OF GOING THROUGH
ALL THE TRAFFIC AND CROWDS.

'STEAD OF GOING THROUGH
ALL THE TRAFFIC AND CROWDS.
BUT THE POPE, FROM THIS T-SHIRT,

ALL THE TRAFFIC AND CROWDS.
BUT THE POPE, FROM THIS T-SHIRT,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE GOT.

BUT THE POPE, FROM THIS T-SHIRT,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE GOT.
HE GOT ABSOLUTELY ZERO.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE GOT.
HE GOT ABSOLUTELY ZERO.
IT WAS A RIP-OFF.

HE GOT ABSOLUTELY ZERO.
IT WAS A RIP-OFF.
FIRST, THEY DID IT TO MR. BILL,

IT WAS A RIP-OFF.
FIRST, THEY DID IT TO MR. BILL,
NOW THE POPE.

FIRST, THEY DID IT TO MR. BILL,
NOW THE POPE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW THE POPE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND IT WAS, IT WAS THE SAME

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND IT WAS, IT WAS THE SAME
THING WITH HIS RECORD ALBUM.

AND IT WAS, IT WAS THE SAME
THING WITH HIS RECORD ALBUM.
HE WAS IN POLAND COUPLE OF

THING WITH HIS RECORD ALBUM.
HE WAS IN POLAND COUPLE OF
MONTHS AGO AND HE WAS JUST

HE WAS IN POLAND COUPLE OF
MONTHS AGO AND HE WAS JUST
SINGIN' SOME SONGS WITH THESE

MONTHS AGO AND HE WAS JUST
SINGIN' SOME SONGS WITH THESE
POLISH STUDENTS.

SINGIN' SOME SONGS WITH THESE
POLISH STUDENTS.
SOMEBODY MUST'VE HAD A CASSETTE

POLISH STUDENTS.
SOMEBODY MUST'VE HAD A CASSETTE
TAPE RECORDER.

SOMEBODY MUST'VE HAD A CASSETTE
TAPE RECORDER.
FIRST THING, THERE'S ALBUMS OUT

TAPE RECORDER.
FIRST THING, THERE'S ALBUMS OUT
ALL OVER EUROPE AND NOW EVEN

FIRST THING, THERE'S ALBUMS OUT
ALL OVER EUROPE AND NOW EVEN
IN THE UNITED STATES.

ALL OVER EUROPE AND NOW EVEN
IN THE UNITED STATES.
THIS IS IT.

IN THE UNITED STATES.
THIS IS IT.
THEY SAID THIS HAS SHIPPED

THIS IS IT.
THEY SAID THIS HAS SHIPPED
DOUBLE PLATINUM.

THEY SAID THIS HAS SHIPPED
DOUBLE PLATINUM.
THAT'S A LOT OF ALBUMS.

DOUBLE PLATINUM.
THAT'S A LOT OF ALBUMS.
AND THE POPE GETS ABSOLUTELY

THAT'S A LOT OF ALBUMS.
AND THE POPE GETS ABSOLUTELY
NO PERCENTAGE, NO ROYALTIES

AND THE POPE GETS ABSOLUTELY
NO PERCENTAGE, NO ROYALTIES
FROM THIS WHATSOEVER.

NO PERCENTAGE, NO ROYALTIES
FROM THIS WHATSOEVER.
AND, YOU KNOW, I HATE TO PLUG

FROM THIS WHATSOEVER.
AND, YOU KNOW, I HATE TO PLUG
THIS ALBUM 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

AND, YOU KNOW, I HATE TO PLUG
THIS ALBUM 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
IT BEIN' SO BAD TO HIM,

THIS ALBUM 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
IT BEIN' SO BAD TO HIM,
BUT THE TRUTH IS, IT'S A PRETTY

IT BEIN' SO BAD TO HIM,
BUT THE TRUTH IS, IT'S A PRETTY
GOOD ALBUM.

BUT THE TRUTH IS, IT'S A PRETTY
GOOD ALBUM.
THE MAN CAN SING, HE REALLY CAN.

GOOD ALBUM.
THE MAN CAN SING, HE REALLY CAN.
[LAUGHTER]

THE MAN CAN SING, HE REALLY CAN.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, HE'S NO SMOKEY ROBINSON

[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, HE'S NO SMOKEY ROBINSON
BUT...

I MEAN, HE'S NO SMOKEY ROBINSON
BUT...
IF YOU LIKE POLISH FOLK SONGS,

BUT...
IF YOU LIKE POLISH FOLK SONGS,
THIS IS THE ALBUM FOR YOU.

IF YOU LIKE POLISH FOLK SONGS,
THIS IS THE ALBUM FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS THE ALBUM FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
A LOT OF THE POPES HAVE MADE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
A LOT OF THE POPES HAVE MADE
ALBUMS BUT NONE OF 'EM SOLD

A LOT OF THE POPES HAVE MADE
ALBUMS BUT NONE OF 'EM SOLD
VERY WELL.

ALBUMS BUT NONE OF 'EM SOLD
VERY WELL.
POPE PAUL VI, HE HAD THREE

VERY WELL.
POPE PAUL VI, HE HAD THREE
ALBUMS OUT.

POPE PAUL VI, HE HAD THREE
ALBUMS OUT.
THE BEST SELLER... BUT IT WAS

ALBUMS OUT.
THE BEST SELLER... BUT IT WAS
NOT HARDLY GOOD SELLER AT ALL,

THE BEST SELLER... BUT IT WAS
NOT HARDLY GOOD SELLER AT ALL,
I DON'T THINK IT EVEN MADE THE

NOT HARDLY GOOD SELLER AT ALL,
I DON'T THINK IT EVEN MADE THE
CHARTS... IS WHAT THEY CALL HIS

I DON'T THINK IT EVEN MADE THE
CHARTS... IS WHAT THEY CALL HIS
"WHITE ALBUM."

CHARTS... IS WHAT THEY CALL HIS
"WHITE ALBUM."
[LAUGHTER]

"WHITE ALBUM."
[LAUGHTER]
CAME OUT IN THE EARLY SEVENTIES.

[LAUGHTER]
CAME OUT IN THE EARLY SEVENTIES.
AND IT HAD A REALLY NICE POSTER

CAME OUT IN THE EARLY SEVENTIES.
AND IT HAD A REALLY NICE POSTER
INSIDE OF HIM.

AND IT HAD A REALLY NICE POSTER
INSIDE OF HIM.
THIS ONE'S KIND OF SOILED

INSIDE OF HIM.
THIS ONE'S KIND OF SOILED
'CAUSE I HAD IT PINNED UP

THIS ONE'S KIND OF SOILED
'CAUSE I HAD IT PINNED UP
ON MY REFRIGERATOR FOR COUPLE

'CAUSE I HAD IT PINNED UP
ON MY REFRIGERATOR FOR COUPLE
OF YEARS...

ON MY REFRIGERATOR FOR COUPLE
OF YEARS...
BUT MY FAVORITE POPE PAUL VI

OF YEARS...
BUT MY FAVORITE POPE PAUL VI
ALBUM WAS HIS SECOND ALBUM.

BUT MY FAVORITE POPE PAUL VI
ALBUM WAS HIS SECOND ALBUM.
WAS CALLED "THE SECOND

ALBUM WAS HIS SECOND ALBUM.
WAS CALLED "THE SECOND
COLLECTION."

WAS CALLED "THE SECOND
COLLECTION."
WELL, THIS WAS THE FIRST POPE

COLLECTION."
WELL, THIS WAS THE FIRST POPE
ALBUM THAT FEATURED MODERN

WELL, THIS WAS THE FIRST POPE
ALBUM THAT FEATURED MODERN
GRAPHICS, IT'S KIND OF

ALBUM THAT FEATURED MODERN
GRAPHICS, IT'S KIND OF
PSYCHEDELIC... I LIKE IT.

GRAPHICS, IT'S KIND OF
PSYCHEDELIC... I LIKE IT.
HE LOOKS... KIND OF SMILING THERE

PSYCHEDELIC... I LIKE IT.
HE LOOKS... KIND OF SMILING THERE
LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

HE LOOKS... KIND OF SMILING THERE
LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
MY FAVORITE POPE ALBUM OF ALL

LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
MY FAVORITE POPE ALBUM OF ALL
THOUGH, WAS MADE IN 1955

MY FAVORITE POPE ALBUM OF ALL
THOUGH, WAS MADE IN 1955
BY PIUS XII.

THOUGH, WAS MADE IN 1955
BY PIUS XII.
IS KIND OF WHAT YOU CALL

BY PIUS XII.
IS KIND OF WHAT YOU CALL
AN "OLDIE" NOWADAYS.

IS KIND OF WHAT YOU CALL
AN "OLDIE" NOWADAYS.
YOU KNOW, PIUS XII HAS GOTTEN

AN "OLDIE" NOWADAYS.
YOU KNOW, PIUS XII HAS GOTTEN
A LOT OF BAD PRESS.

YOU KNOW, PIUS XII HAS GOTTEN
A LOT OF BAD PRESS.
THEY SAYS HE WAS ARISTOCRATIC.

A LOT OF BAD PRESS.
THEY SAYS HE WAS ARISTOCRATIC.
HE THOUGHT HE WAS BETTER THAN

THEY SAYS HE WAS ARISTOCRATIC.
HE THOUGHT HE WAS BETTER THAN
EVERYBODY ELSE.

HE THOUGHT HE WAS BETTER THAN
EVERYBODY ELSE.
BUT, SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT

EVERYBODY ELSE.
BUT, SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT
HIM, THE MAN MADE A VERY,

BUT, SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT
HIM, THE MAN MADE A VERY,
VERY GOOD ALBUM.

HIM, THE MAN MADE A VERY,
VERY GOOD ALBUM.
WAS CALLED, "HERE'S LOOKING

VERY GOOD ALBUM.
WAS CALLED, "HERE'S LOOKING
DOWN AT YOU."

WAS CALLED, "HERE'S LOOKING
DOWN AT YOU."
[LAUGHTER]

DOWN AT YOU."
[LAUGHTER]
IT JUST NEVER GOT THE PUSH THAT

[LAUGHTER]
IT JUST NEVER GOT THE PUSH THAT
IT SHOULD'VE BUT I HOPE NOW

IT JUST NEVER GOT THE PUSH THAT
IT SHOULD'VE BUT I HOPE NOW
THAT THERE'S MORE INTEREST

IT SHOULD'VE BUT I HOPE NOW
THAT THERE'S MORE INTEREST
IN POPES, THEY MIGHT REISSUE

THAT THERE'S MORE INTEREST
IN POPES, THEY MIGHT REISSUE
THIS ONE.

IN POPES, THEY MIGHT REISSUE
THIS ONE.
IT'S AMAZING TO ME ALL THE

THIS ONE.
IT'S AMAZING TO ME ALL THE
INTEREST IN THE POPE LAST COUPLE

IT'S AMAZING TO ME ALL THE
INTEREST IN THE POPE LAST COUPLE
WEEKS.

INTEREST IN THE POPE LAST COUPLE
WEEKS.
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE OF JOHN

WEEKS.
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE OF JOHN
PAUL'S VISIT, PERSONALLY, BUT,

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE OF JOHN
PAUL'S VISIT, PERSONALLY, BUT,
YOU KNOW, WHATEVER THE REASON,

PAUL'S VISIT, PERSONALLY, BUT,
YOU KNOW, WHATEVER THE REASON,
PEOPLE ARE BUYIN' THESE POSTERS

YOU KNOW, WHATEVER THE REASON,
PEOPLE ARE BUYIN' THESE POSTERS
THAT SHOW ALL OF THE POPES AND

PEOPLE ARE BUYIN' THESE POSTERS
THAT SHOW ALL OF THE POPES AND
PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEIR

THAT SHOW ALL OF THE POPES AND
PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEIR
NAMES ARE, WHAT THEIR REAL NAMES

PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEIR
NAMES ARE, WHAT THEIR REAL NAMES
ARE, WHEN THEY WAS LIVIN',

NAMES ARE, WHAT THEIR REAL NAMES
ARE, WHEN THEY WAS LIVIN',
WHEN THEY DIED, ALL THAT STUFF.

ARE, WHEN THEY WAS LIVIN',
WHEN THEY DIED, ALL THAT STUFF.
AND, GOING ALONG WITH THIS PAPAL

WHEN THEY DIED, ALL THAT STUFF.
AND, GOING ALONG WITH THIS PAPAL
MANIA, I'VE KIND OF DESIGNED

AND, GOING ALONG WITH THIS PAPAL
MANIA, I'VE KIND OF DESIGNED
A CONTEST ABOUT THE POPES.

MANIA, I'VE KIND OF DESIGNED
A CONTEST ABOUT THE POPES.
IT'S CALLED "FIND THE POPES

A CONTEST ABOUT THE POPES.
IT'S CALLED "FIND THE POPES
IN THE PIZZA"...

IT'S CALLED "FIND THE POPES
IN THE PIZZA"...
[LAUGHTER]

IN THE PIZZA"...
[LAUGHTER]
ALL 254 POPES, THEY'RE IN HERE.

[LAUGHTER]
ALL 254 POPES, THEY'RE IN HERE.
AND, WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO

ALL 254 POPES, THEY'RE IN HERE.
AND, WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO
IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE, WE'RE GONNA

AND, WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO
IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE, WE'RE GONNA
PUT A CLOSE-UP OF THIS ON YOUR

IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE, WE'RE GONNA
PUT A CLOSE-UP OF THIS ON YOUR
SCREEN AND, YOU AT HOME, ALL YOU

PUT A CLOSE-UP OF THIS ON YOUR
SCREEN AND, YOU AT HOME, ALL YOU
HAVE TO DO IS GET SOME, LIKE,

SCREEN AND, YOU AT HOME, ALL YOU
HAVE TO DO IS GET SOME, LIKE,
WAX PAPER, ANY KIND OF PAPER YOU

HAVE TO DO IS GET SOME, LIKE,
WAX PAPER, ANY KIND OF PAPER YOU
CAN SEE THROUGH AND PASTE IT

WAX PAPER, ANY KIND OF PAPER YOU
CAN SEE THROUGH AND PASTE IT
TO YOUR SCREEN... OR TAPE IT,

CAN SEE THROUGH AND PASTE IT
TO YOUR SCREEN... OR TAPE IT,
WHATEVER YOU WANT... AND ALL YOU

TO YOUR SCREEN... OR TAPE IT,
WHATEVER YOU WANT... AND ALL YOU
GOTTA DO IS GET A PENCIL AND

WHATEVER YOU WANT... AND ALL YOU
GOTTA DO IS GET A PENCIL AND
DRAW A CIRCLE AROUND EVERY PLACE

GOTTA DO IS GET A PENCIL AND
DRAW A CIRCLE AROUND EVERY PLACE
YOU SEE A PICTURE OF A POPE.

DRAW A CIRCLE AROUND EVERY PLACE
YOU SEE A PICTURE OF A POPE.
AND, WHILE WE'RE DOING THIS...

YOU SEE A PICTURE OF A POPE.
AND, WHILE WE'RE DOING THIS...
WELL, I THINK WHAT I'M GONNA DO

AND, WHILE WE'RE DOING THIS...
WELL, I THINK WHAT I'M GONNA DO
FOR THE PRIZE, WHOEVER WINS

WELL, I THINK WHAT I'M GONNA DO
FOR THE PRIZE, WHOEVER WINS
YOU KNOW, FINDS THE MOST POPES,

FOR THE PRIZE, WHOEVER WINS
YOU KNOW, FINDS THE MOST POPES,
THEY'LL GET TO HAVE A BUTTON

YOU KNOW, FINDS THE MOST POPES,
THEY'LL GET TO HAVE A BUTTON
THAT I DESIGNED MYSELF.

THEY'LL GET TO HAVE A BUTTON
THAT I DESIGNED MYSELF.
I NOTICED ON THE TOUR, THE BEST

THAT I DESIGNED MYSELF.
I NOTICED ON THE TOUR, THE BEST
SELLING BUTTON WAS THIS.

I NOTICED ON THE TOUR, THE BEST
SELLING BUTTON WAS THIS.
IT SAYS, "I GOT A PEEK

SELLING BUTTON WAS THIS.
IT SAYS, "I GOT A PEEK
AT THE POPE".

IT SAYS, "I GOT A PEEK
AT THE POPE".
[LAUGHTER]

AT THE POPE".
[LAUGHTER]
AND I DESIGNED A BUTTON THAT

[LAUGHTER]
AND I DESIGNED A BUTTON THAT
I THINK EVEN MORE PEOPLE CAN

AND I DESIGNED A BUTTON THAT
I THINK EVEN MORE PEOPLE CAN
RELATE TO.

I THINK EVEN MORE PEOPLE CAN
RELATE TO.
IT SAYS, "I SAW THE POPE ON

RELATE TO.
IT SAYS, "I SAW THE POPE ON
T.V."... THIS IS WHAT YOU WIN.

IT SAYS, "I SAW THE POPE ON
T.V."... THIS IS WHAT YOU WIN.
AND NOW, I THINK, WE'RE ABOUT

T.V."... THIS IS WHAT YOU WIN.
AND NOW, I THINK, WE'RE ABOUT
READY.

AND NOW, I THINK, WE'RE ABOUT
READY.
SO WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING AT

READY.
SO WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING AT
THE PIZZA FOR THIRTY SECONDS,

SO WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING AT
THE PIZZA FOR THIRTY SECONDS,
I'M GONNA PLAY A CUT FROM

THE PIZZA FOR THIRTY SECONDS,
I'M GONNA PLAY A CUT FROM
PIUS XII'S ALBUM.

I'M GONNA PLAY A CUT FROM
PIUS XII'S ALBUM.
HERE IS PIUS XII SINGING

PIUS XII'S ALBUM.
HERE IS PIUS XII SINGING
"ON THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE

HERE IS PIUS XII SINGING
"ON THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE
STREET"... AND NOW FIND

"ON THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE
STREET"... AND NOW FIND
THE POPE IN THE PIZZA.

STREET"... AND NOW FIND
THE POPE IN THE PIZZA.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

THE POPE IN THE PIZZA.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
ALL 254.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
ALL 254.
♪ [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

ALL 254.
♪ [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] ♪
SOME ARE EASY TO FIND,

♪ [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] ♪
SOME ARE EASY TO FIND,
SOME ARE HARD.

SOME ARE EASY TO FIND,
SOME ARE HARD.
[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S A LITTLE CLUE FOR YOU:

MOST OF THE POPES HAVE

RED FACES.
[LAUGHTER]

OF THE SCREEN, BEHIND THE DESK.
[SONG ENDS]

[SONG ENDS]
WELL, I HOPE THAT YOU GOT
QUITE A FEW OF THEM.

WELL, I HOPE THAT YOU GOT
QUITE A FEW OF THEM.
NOW, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE

QUITE A FEW OF THEM.
NOW, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE
THE PAPER OFF, FOLD IT UP,

NOW, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE
THE PAPER OFF, FOLD IT UP,
PUT IN AN ENVELOPE, AND ADDRESS

THE PAPER OFF, FOLD IT UP,
PUT IN AN ENVELOPE, AND ADDRESS
IT TO: "FIND THE POPES

PUT IN AN ENVELOPE, AND ADDRESS
IT TO: "FIND THE POPES
IN THE PIZZA CONTEST".

IT TO: "FIND THE POPES
IN THE PIZZA CONTEST".
30 ROCKEFELLER PLAZA, NEW YORK,

IN THE PIZZA CONTEST".
30 ROCKEFELLER PLAZA, NEW YORK,
NEW YORK 10020 ZIP.

30 ROCKEFELLER PLAZA, NEW YORK,
NEW YORK 10020 ZIP.
AND I SUGGEST THAT UP HERE YOU

NEW YORK 10020 ZIP.
AND I SUGGEST THAT UP HERE YOU
PUT YOUR RETURN ADDRESS.

AND I SUGGEST THAT UP HERE YOU
PUT YOUR RETURN ADDRESS.
AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS

PUT YOUR RETURN ADDRESS.
AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS
WHEN YOU GO TO THE MAILBOX, JUST

AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS
WHEN YOU GO TO THE MAILBOX, JUST
BEFORE YOU PUT IT INTO THE SLOT,

WHEN YOU GO TO THE MAILBOX, JUST
BEFORE YOU PUT IT INTO THE SLOT,
YOU LOOK HERE AND IT REMINDS YOU

BEFORE YOU PUT IT INTO THE SLOT,
YOU LOOK HERE AND IT REMINDS YOU
OF WHERE YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO.

YOU LOOK HERE AND IT REMINDS YOU
OF WHERE YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO.
[LAUGHTER]

OF WHERE YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO.
[LAUGHTER]
WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL.

[LAUGHTER]
WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!

WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!
[CROWD APPLAUDS]

ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
THAT'S THE NEWS, GOODNIGHT

[CROWD APPLAUDS]
THAT'S THE NEWS, GOODNIGHT
AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

THAT'S THE NEWS, GOODNIGHT
AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]
I'M DON KIRSCHNER
AND WELCOME TO GREAT MOMENTS

I'M DON KIRSCHNER
AND WELCOME TO GREAT MOMENTS
IN ROCK HISTORY.

AND WELCOME TO GREAT MOMENTS
IN ROCK HISTORY.
A SHOW THAT TELLS THE STORIES

IN ROCK HISTORY.
A SHOW THAT TELLS THE STORIES
BEHIND THE HITS, THE LOVES,

A SHOW THAT TELLS THE STORIES
BEHIND THE HITS, THE LOVES,
THE FEARS, THE ANXIETIES,

BEHIND THE HITS, THE LOVES,
THE FEARS, THE ANXIETIES,
THE PRESSING, THE INSPIRATIONS,

THE FEARS, THE ANXIETIES,
THE PRESSING, THE INSPIRATIONS,
WHICH COME TOGETHER TO MAKE UP

THE PRESSING, THE INSPIRATIONS,
WHICH COME TOGETHER TO MAKE UP
THE ROCK AND ROLL INDUSTRY.

WHICH COME TOGETHER TO MAKE UP
THE ROCK AND ROLL INDUSTRY.
TONIGHT, GREAT MOMENTS LOOKS

THE ROCK AND ROLL INDUSTRY.
TONIGHT, GREAT MOMENTS LOOKS
AT A GREAT LADY,

TONIGHT, GREAT MOMENTS LOOKS
AT A GREAT LADY,
MISS CAROLE KING.

AT A GREAT LADY,
MISS CAROLE KING.
FOR MOST IT IS IMPOSSIBLE

MISS CAROLE KING.
FOR MOST IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
TO PINPOINT THE GREATEST MOMENT

FOR MOST IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
TO PINPOINT THE GREATEST MOMENT
IN AN ARTIST'S CAREER,

TO PINPOINT THE GREATEST MOMENT
IN AN ARTIST'S CAREER,
BUT NOT FOR ME, DON KIRSCHNER.

IN AN ARTIST'S CAREER,
BUT NOT FOR ME, DON KIRSCHNER.
TO ME, CAROLE KING'S GREATEST

BUT NOT FOR ME, DON KIRSCHNER.
TO ME, CAROLE KING'S GREATEST
MOMENT WAS WHEN SHE WROTE HER

TO ME, CAROLE KING'S GREATEST
MOMENT WAS WHEN SHE WROTE HER
GREATEST HIT, "YOU'VE GOT

MOMENT WAS WHEN SHE WROTE HER
GREATEST HIT, "YOU'VE GOT
A FRIEND".

GREATEST HIT, "YOU'VE GOT
A FRIEND".
SO TONIGHT, GREAT MOMENTS

A FRIEND".
SO TONIGHT, GREAT MOMENTS
TAKES YOU TO UPPER WEST SIDE

SO TONIGHT, GREAT MOMENTS
TAKES YOU TO UPPER WEST SIDE
NEW YORK, WHERE CAROLE KING'S

TAKES YOU TO UPPER WEST SIDE
NEW YORK, WHERE CAROLE KING'S
GREATEST MOMENT BECOMES OUR

NEW YORK, WHERE CAROLE KING'S
GREATEST MOMENT BECOMES OUR
GREAT MOMENT IN ROCK HISTORY.

OH, PLEASE, CAROLE, I THINK
I SHOULD STAY THE NIGHT.
I'VE GOTTA TALK TO SOMEBODY,

I SHOULD STAY THE NIGHT.
I'VE GOTTA TALK TO SOMEBODY,
I FEEL SO, SO CONFUSED

I'VE GOTTA TALK TO SOMEBODY,
I FEEL SO, SO CONFUSED
AND DEPRESSED.

I FEEL SO, SO CONFUSED
AND DEPRESSED.
LISTEN, HENRY, YOU KNOW,

AND DEPRESSED.
LISTEN, HENRY, YOU KNOW,
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, HONEY,

LISTEN, HENRY, YOU KNOW,
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, HONEY,
I REALLY DO, IT'S JUST THAT

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, HONEY,
I REALLY DO, IT'S JUST THAT
I'M, I'M ON A ROLL, YOU KNOW,

I REALLY DO, IT'S JUST THAT
I'M, I'M ON A ROLL, YOU KNOW,
I'M ABOUT 90% FINISHED

I'M, I'M ON A ROLL, YOU KNOW,
I'M ABOUT 90% FINISHED
WITH THIS SONG.

I'M ABOUT 90% FINISHED
WITH THIS SONG.
CAROLE, I KNOW YOU'VE ALWAYS

WITH THIS SONG.
CAROLE, I KNOW YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN THERE FOR ME...

CAROLE, I KNOW YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN THERE FOR ME...
TONIGHT, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST

BEEN THERE FOR ME...
TONIGHT, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST
FEEL DEPRESSED...

TONIGHT, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST
FEEL DEPRESSED...
[SOBBING] I DON'T KNOW WHAT

FEEL DEPRESSED...
[SOBBING] I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO!

[SOBBING] I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO!
LISTEN, BABE, LISTEN, I KNOW,

I'M GONNA DO!
LISTEN, BABE, LISTEN, I KNOW,
I BEEN THERE BEFORE...

LISTEN, BABE, LISTEN, I KNOW,
I BEEN THERE BEFORE...
BUT LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO GO

I BEEN THERE BEFORE...
BUT LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO GO
HOME AND PHONE ME WHEN YOU

BUT LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO GO
HOME AND PHONE ME WHEN YOU
GET THERE, YOU PROMISE

HOME AND PHONE ME WHEN YOU
GET THERE, YOU PROMISE
YOU'LL DO THAT?

GET THERE, YOU PROMISE
YOU'LL DO THAT?
'CAUSE I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

YOU'LL DO THAT?
'CAUSE I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
WILL YOU DO THAT?

'CAUSE I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
WILL YOU DO THAT?
OKAY.

WILL YOU DO THAT?
OKAY.
OKAY, HONEY, GOODNIGHT.

[DOOR LOCKS MULTIPLE TIMES]
[LAUGHTER]

♪ WHEN YOU'RE DOWN AND
TROUBLED ♪
♪ AND YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CARE ♪

TROUBLED ♪
♪ AND YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CARE ♪
♪ AND NOTHIN', NOTHIN'

♪ AND YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CARE ♪
♪ AND NOTHIN', NOTHIN'
IS GOIN' RIGHT ♪

♪ AND NOTHIN', NOTHIN'
IS GOIN' RIGHT ♪
[LAUGHTER]

IS GOIN' RIGHT ♪
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, HONKY, GIMME YOUR CASH.

[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, HONKY, GIMME YOUR CASH.
YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH THIS.

OKAY, HONKY, GIMME YOUR CASH.
YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH THIS.
I'VE GOT A FRIEND IN THERE.

YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH THIS.
I'VE GOT A FRIEND IN THERE.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CALL.

I'VE GOT A FRIEND IN THERE.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CALL.
LISTEN!

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CALL.
LISTEN!
YOU CAN HEAR HER SING.

LISTEN!
YOU CAN HEAR HER SING.
AH, YEAH, YEAH, I HEAR HER.

YOU CAN HEAR HER SING.
AH, YEAH, YEAH, I HEAR HER.
I'LL JUST CALL HER.

AH, YEAH, YEAH, I HEAR HER.
I'LL JUST CALL HER.
YEAH, I'M SHAKIN'.

I'LL JUST CALL HER.
YEAH, I'M SHAKIN'.
[HENRY GROANS]

YEAH, I'M SHAKIN'.
[HENRY GROANS]
Carole: ♪ YOU JUST CALL

[HENRY GROANS]
Carole: ♪ YOU JUST CALL
OUT MY NAME ♪

Carole: ♪ YOU JUST CALL
OUT MY NAME ♪
CAROLE!

OUT MY NAME ♪
CAROLE!
Carole: ♪ AND YOU KNOW

CAROLE!
Carole: ♪ AND YOU KNOW
WHEREVER I AM ♪

Carole: ♪ AND YOU KNOW
WHEREVER I AM ♪
PLEASE, CAROLE, FOR THE LOVE

WHEREVER I AM ♪
PLEASE, CAROLE, FOR THE LOVE
OF GOD!

PLEASE, CAROLE, FOR THE LOVE
OF GOD!
HURRY, CAROLE, RUN!

OF GOD!
HURRY, CAROLE, RUN!
Carole: ♪ TO SEE YOU AGAIN ♪

HURRY, CAROLE, RUN!
Carole: ♪ TO SEE YOU AGAIN ♪
CAROLE, CALL AN AMBULANCE!

Carole: ♪ TO SEE YOU AGAIN ♪
CAROLE, CALL AN AMBULANCE!
Carole: ♪ WINTER, SPRING,

CAROLE, CALL AN AMBULANCE!
Carole: ♪ WINTER, SPRING,
SUMMER OR FALL ♪

Carole: ♪ WINTER, SPRING,
SUMMER OR FALL ♪
NOW, CAROLE, NOW!

SUMMER OR FALL ♪
NOW, CAROLE, NOW!
Carole: ♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO

NOW, CAROLE, NOW!
Carole: ♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS CALL ♪

Carole: ♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS CALL ♪
CAROLE!

IS CALL ♪
CAROLE!
Carole: ♪ AND I'LL BE THERE ♪

CAROLE!
Carole: ♪ AND I'LL BE THERE ♪
I'M ON THE STEPS, CAROLE!

Carole: ♪ AND I'LL BE THERE ♪
I'M ON THE STEPS, CAROLE!
HELP ME, CAROLE!

I'M ON THE STEPS, CAROLE!
HELP ME, CAROLE!
PLEASE, OH, CAROLE, THANK YOU.

HELP ME, CAROLE!
PLEASE, OH, CAROLE, THANK YOU.
CAROLE!

PLEASE, OH, CAROLE, THANK YOU.
CAROLE!
Carole: ♪ NOW AIN'T IT GOOD

CAROLE!
Carole: ♪ NOW AIN'T IT GOOD
TO KNOW THAT YOU GOT

Carole: ♪ NOW AIN'T IT GOOD
TO KNOW THAT YOU GOT
A FRIEND ♪

TO KNOW THAT YOU GOT
A FRIEND ♪
CAROLE, I NEED YOU!

A FRIEND ♪
CAROLE, I NEED YOU!
Carole: ♪ BE SO COLD ♪

CAROLE, I NEED YOU!
Carole: ♪ BE SO COLD ♪
♪ THEY'LL HURT YOU ♪

Carole: ♪ BE SO COLD ♪
♪ THEY'LL HURT YOU ♪
I'VE BEEN HURT!

♪ THEY'LL HURT YOU ♪
I'VE BEEN HURT!
I'VE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT!

I'VE BEEN HURT!
I'VE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT!
I THINK HE'S PUNCTURED

I'VE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT!
I THINK HE'S PUNCTURED
MY KIDNEY IN HERE.

I THINK HE'S PUNCTURED
MY KIDNEY IN HERE.
I'M DYING NOW, CAROLE.

MY KIDNEY IN HERE.
I'M DYING NOW, CAROLE.
[LAUGHTER]

I'M DYING NOW, CAROLE.
[LAUGHTER]
♪ JUST CALL

[LAUGHTER]
♪ JUST CALL
OUT MY NAME ♪

♪ JUST CALL
OUT MY NAME ♪
CAROLE KING!!

OUT MY NAME ♪
CAROLE KING!!
[LAUGHTER]

CAROLE KING!!
[LAUGHTER]
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, CAROLE?

[LAUGHTER]
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, CAROLE?
CAROLE!

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, CAROLE?
CAROLE!
CAROLE.

CAROLE!
CAROLE.
♪ OH, WINTER, SPRING,

CAROLE.
♪ OH, WINTER, SPRING,
SUMMER OR FALL ♪

♪ OH, WINTER, SPRING,
SUMMER OR FALL ♪
[GRUNTS] CAROLE.

SUMMER OR FALL ♪
[GRUNTS] CAROLE.
Carole: ♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO

[GRUNTS] CAROLE.
Carole: ♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS CALL ♪

Carole: ♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS CALL ♪
CAROLE!

IS CALL ♪
CAROLE!
Carole: ♪ AND I'LL BE THERE ♪

CAROLE!
Carole: ♪ AND I'LL BE THERE ♪
[WHISPERS] CAROLE.

Carole: ♪ AND I'LL BE THERE ♪
[WHISPERS] CAROLE.
Carole: ♪ YOU GOT A FRIEND ♪

[WHISPERS] CAROLE.
Carole: ♪ YOU GOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ AIN'T IT GOOD TO KNOW

Carole: ♪ YOU GOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ AIN'T IT GOOD TO KNOW
YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND ♪

♪ AIN'T IT GOOD TO KNOW
YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND ♪
[APPLAUSE]

CAROLE KING'S FRIEND,
HENRY ADELMAN, DIED ON ARRIVAL
AT LENNOX HILL HOSPITAL

HENRY ADELMAN, DIED ON ARRIVAL
AT LENNOX HILL HOSPITAL
BUT HE DID NOT DIE IN VAIN

AT LENNOX HILL HOSPITAL
BUT HE DID NOT DIE IN VAIN
FOR HIS DEATH PROVIDED CAROLE

BUT HE DID NOT DIE IN VAIN
FOR HIS DEATH PROVIDED CAROLE
WITH THE INSPIRATION FOR ANOTHER

FOR HIS DEATH PROVIDED CAROLE
WITH THE INSPIRATION FOR ANOTHER
MILLION-SELLING MONSTER HIT

WITH THE INSPIRATION FOR ANOTHER
MILLION-SELLING MONSTER HIT
"IT'S TOO LATE BABY".

MILLION-SELLING MONSTER HIT
"IT'S TOO LATE BABY".
[LAUGHTER]

"IT'S TOO LATE BABY".
[LAUGHTER]
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER

[LAUGHTER]
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER
GREAT MOMENT IN ROCK HISTORY.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER
GREAT MOMENT IN ROCK HISTORY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING,
I'M DAVID SUSSKIND.
TONIGHT, WE HAVE, I BELIEVE

I'M DAVID SUSSKIND.
TONIGHT, WE HAVE, I BELIEVE
A VERY CONTROVERSIAL SHOW

TONIGHT, WE HAVE, I BELIEVE
A VERY CONTROVERSIAL SHOW
FOR YOU BECAUSE ALL OF OUR

A VERY CONTROVERSIAL SHOW
FOR YOU BECAUSE ALL OF OUR
GUESTS SAY THAT THEY HAVE

FOR YOU BECAUSE ALL OF OUR
GUESTS SAY THAT THEY HAVE
ACTUALLY PERSONALLY WITNESSED

GUESTS SAY THAT THEY HAVE
ACTUALLY PERSONALLY WITNESSED
CARTER ADMINISTRATION CHIEF

ACTUALLY PERSONALLY WITNESSED
CARTER ADMINISTRATION CHIEF
OF STAFF, HAMILTON JORDAN

CARTER ADMINISTRATION CHIEF
OF STAFF, HAMILTON JORDAN
SNIFF COCAINE.

OF STAFF, HAMILTON JORDAN
SNIFF COCAINE.
OUR FIRST GUEST IS MR. CLEAVON

SNIFF COCAINE.
OUR FIRST GUEST IS MR. CLEAVON
BROWN... 28-YEAR-OLD BOUNCER

OUR FIRST GUEST IS MR. CLEAVON
BROWN... 28-YEAR-OLD BOUNCER
AT THE APOLLO THEATER IN HARLEM.

BROWN... 28-YEAR-OLD BOUNCER
AT THE APOLLO THEATER IN HARLEM.
MR. BROWN, CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE

AT THE APOLLO THEATER IN HARLEM.
MR. BROWN, CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE
CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH YOU SAW

MR. BROWN, CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE
CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH YOU SAW
MR. JORDAN SNIFF.

CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH YOU SAW
MR. JORDAN SNIFF.
YEAH, MAN, WELL I WAS

MR. JORDAN SNIFF.
YEAH, MAN, WELL I WAS
WORKING THE DOOR, SEE...

YEAH, MAN, WELL I WAS
WORKING THE DOOR, SEE...
AT THE APOLLO.

WORKING THE DOOR, SEE...
AT THE APOLLO.
YEAH, RIGHT, MAN.

AT THE APOLLO.
YEAH, RIGHT, MAN.
ANYWAY, HAMILTON JORDAN ARRIVED

YEAH, RIGHT, MAN.
ANYWAY, HAMILTON JORDAN ARRIVED
BY HIMSELF, SEE...

ANYWAY, HAMILTON JORDAN ARRIVED
BY HIMSELF, SEE...
HE COME TO THE APOLLO OFTEN?

BY HIMSELF, SEE...
HE COME TO THE APOLLO OFTEN?
OH, YEAH, MAN, HE LIKED

HE COME TO THE APOLLO OFTEN?
OH, YEAH, MAN, HE LIKED
COMING UP THERE 'CAUSE NOBODY

OH, YEAH, MAN, HE LIKED
COMING UP THERE 'CAUSE NOBODY
RECOGNIZED HIM, SEE, AND HE

COMING UP THERE 'CAUSE NOBODY
RECOGNIZED HIM, SEE, AND HE
COULD RELAX, YOU KNOW.

RECOGNIZED HIM, SEE, AND HE
COULD RELAX, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, HE STARTS LAYING OUT

COULD RELAX, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, HE STARTS LAYING OUT
THESE LINES, I MEAN LINES THIS

ANYWAY, HE STARTS LAYING OUT
THESE LINES, I MEAN LINES THIS
LONG, MAN, ON A TABLE RIGHT

THESE LINES, I MEAN LINES THIS
LONG, MAN, ON A TABLE RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLUB, RIGHT

LONG, MAN, ON A TABLE RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLUB, RIGHT
AND I COME UP TO HIM, MAN,

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLUB, RIGHT
AND I COME UP TO HIM, MAN,
I SAY, "HEY, MAN, THAT'S NOT

AND I COME UP TO HIM, MAN,
I SAY, "HEY, MAN, THAT'S NOT
COOL, BABY.", YOU KNOW?

I SAY, "HEY, MAN, THAT'S NOT
COOL, BABY.", YOU KNOW?
NOW, BY LINES ON THE TABLE

COOL, BABY.", YOU KNOW?
NOW, BY LINES ON THE TABLE
DO YOU MEAN LINES OF COCAINE

NOW, BY LINES ON THE TABLE
DO YOU MEAN LINES OF COCAINE
TO BE SNIFFED?

DO YOU MEAN LINES OF COCAINE
TO BE SNIFFED?
YEAH, YEAH, MAN!

TO BE SNIFFED?
YEAH, YEAH, MAN!
ANYWAY, SO I TAKE HIM IN THE

YEAH, YEAH, MAN!
ANYWAY, SO I TAKE HIM IN THE
BACK ROOM AND HE SAYS HE GOT

ANYWAY, SO I TAKE HIM IN THE
BACK ROOM AND HE SAYS HE GOT
THIS BLACK CHICK THAT HE WANTS

BACK ROOM AND HE SAYS HE GOT
THIS BLACK CHICK THAT HE WANTS
TO GO BACK TO THE HOTEL WITH

THIS BLACK CHICK THAT HE WANTS
TO GO BACK TO THE HOTEL WITH
AND WOULD I HOLD ON TO THE COKE

TO GO BACK TO THE HOTEL WITH
AND WOULD I HOLD ON TO THE COKE
TILL TOMORROW, RIGHT?

AND WOULD I HOLD ON TO THE COKE
TILL TOMORROW, RIGHT?
SO I SAID SURE, YOU KNOW,

TILL TOMORROW, RIGHT?
SO I SAID SURE, YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN TRUST ME, MAN, YOU KNOW.

SO I SAID SURE, YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN TRUST ME, MAN, YOU KNOW.
SO, MAN, THEN THE NEXT DAY I GET

YOU CAN TRUST ME, MAN, YOU KNOW.
SO, MAN, THEN THE NEXT DAY I GET
POPPED HOLDING TWO OUNCES OF

SO, MAN, THEN THE NEXT DAY I GET
POPPED HOLDING TWO OUNCES OF
HIS COCAINE, RIGHT.

POPPED HOLDING TWO OUNCES OF
HIS COCAINE, RIGHT.
SO NOW, I'M LOOKIN' AT 10 YEARS

HIS COCAINE, RIGHT.
SO NOW, I'M LOOKIN' AT 10 YEARS
AND HE SAYS HE DON'T EVEN

SO NOW, I'M LOOKIN' AT 10 YEARS
AND HE SAYS HE DON'T EVEN
KNOW ME...

AND HE SAYS HE DON'T EVEN
KNOW ME...
I MEAN, HE SAYS HE DON'T EVEN

KNOW ME...
I MEAN, HE SAYS HE DON'T EVEN
KNOW ME, MAN.

I MEAN, HE SAYS HE DON'T EVEN
KNOW ME, MAN.
I'M LOOKIN' AT 10 YEARS.

KNOW ME, MAN.
I'M LOOKIN' AT 10 YEARS.
OKAY, WELL, THANK YOU,

I'M LOOKIN' AT 10 YEARS.
OKAY, WELL, THANK YOU,
MR. BROWN...

OKAY, WELL, THANK YOU,
MR. BROWN...
LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT GUEST

MR. BROWN...
LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT GUEST
WHO IS AUDREY PEART DICKMAN,

LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT GUEST
WHO IS AUDREY PEART DICKMAN,
A CAMPAIGN WORKER FOR RONALD

WHO IS AUDREY PEART DICKMAN,
A CAMPAIGN WORKER FOR RONALD
REAGAN, WHO CLAIMS SHE SAW

A CAMPAIGN WORKER FOR RONALD
REAGAN, WHO CLAIMS SHE SAW
HAMILTON JORDAN SNIFF COCAINE

REAGAN, WHO CLAIMS SHE SAW
HAMILTON JORDAN SNIFF COCAINE
IN HOLLYWOOD, IS THAT CORRECT?

HAMILTON JORDAN SNIFF COCAINE
IN HOLLYWOOD, IS THAT CORRECT?
YES, IT IS, MR. SUSSKIND.

IN HOLLYWOOD, IS THAT CORRECT?
YES, IT IS, MR. SUSSKIND.
A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE, WHO IS

YES, IT IS, MR. SUSSKIND.
A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE, WHO IS
A DEMOCRAT, INVITED ME TO THIS

A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE, WHO IS
A DEMOCRAT, INVITED ME TO THIS
RESTAURANT WHERE THEY WERE

A DEMOCRAT, INVITED ME TO THIS
RESTAURANT WHERE THEY WERE
HAVING A PARTY AFTER A MONDALE

RESTAURANT WHERE THEY WERE
HAVING A PARTY AFTER A MONDALE
FUNDRAISER.

HAVING A PARTY AFTER A MONDALE
FUNDRAISER.
MR. JORDAN ARRIVED AND SAT

FUNDRAISER.
MR. JORDAN ARRIVED AND SAT
ACROSS THE TABLE FROM ME AND IT

MR. JORDAN ARRIVED AND SAT
ACROSS THE TABLE FROM ME AND IT
WAS OBVIOUS HE HAD BEEN DRINKING

ACROSS THE TABLE FROM ME AND IT
WAS OBVIOUS HE HAD BEEN DRINKING
A LOT.

WAS OBVIOUS HE HAD BEEN DRINKING
A LOT.
HOW SO?

A LOT.
HOW SO?
WELL, THE FIRST THING HE DID

HOW SO?
WELL, THE FIRST THING HE DID
WAS VOMIT VIOLENTLY.

WELL, THE FIRST THING HE DID
WAS VOMIT VIOLENTLY.
BUT THEN HE CAUGHT SIGHT OF ME

WAS VOMIT VIOLENTLY.
BUT THEN HE CAUGHT SIGHT OF ME
AND LEAPT ACROSS THE TABLE

BUT THEN HE CAUGHT SIGHT OF ME
AND LEAPT ACROSS THE TABLE
AND STARTED PAWING ME

AND LEAPT ACROSS THE TABLE
AND STARTED PAWING ME
LIKE AN ANIMAL.

AND STARTED PAWING ME
LIKE AN ANIMAL.
BY THE TIME MY FRIEND COULD PULL

LIKE AN ANIMAL.
BY THE TIME MY FRIEND COULD PULL
ME AWAY, MR. JORDAN WAS STANDING

BY THE TIME MY FRIEND COULD PULL
ME AWAY, MR. JORDAN WAS STANDING
ON THE TABLE WHERE HE PULLED OUT

ME AWAY, MR. JORDAN WAS STANDING
ON THE TABLE WHERE HE PULLED OUT
A SMALL VIAL OF WHITE POWDER,

ON THE TABLE WHERE HE PULLED OUT
A SMALL VIAL OF WHITE POWDER,
PLACED IT IN HIS NOSE AND

A SMALL VIAL OF WHITE POWDER,
PLACED IT IN HIS NOSE AND
LEANED BACK HIS HEAD AND

PLACED IT IN HIS NOSE AND
LEANED BACK HIS HEAD AND
INHALED.

LEANED BACK HIS HEAD AND
INHALED.
THEN HE STARTED TO QUIVER AND

INHALED.
THEN HE STARTED TO QUIVER AND
SHAKE AND SUDDENLY DROP HIS

THEN HE STARTED TO QUIVER AND
SHAKE AND SUDDENLY DROP HIS
TROUSERS AND STARTED SHOUTING

SHAKE AND SUDDENLY DROP HIS
TROUSERS AND STARTED SHOUTING
"WE GAVE AWAY THE PANAMA CANAL

TROUSERS AND STARTED SHOUTING
"WE GAVE AWAY THE PANAMA CANAL
AND SOLD OUT FOR SALT."

"WE GAVE AWAY THE PANAMA CANAL
AND SOLD OUT FOR SALT."
WELL, THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

AND SOLD OUT FOR SALT."
WELL, THAT'S INCREDIBLE!
ARE THERE ANY OTHER PEOPLE

WELL, THAT'S INCREDIBLE!
ARE THERE ANY OTHER PEOPLE
WHO CAN CORROBORATE YOUR STORY?

ARE THERE ANY OTHER PEOPLE
WHO CAN CORROBORATE YOUR STORY?
OH, YES...

WHO CAN CORROBORATE YOUR STORY?
OH, YES...
THEY'RE ALL DEMOCRATS.

OH, YES...
THEY'RE ALL DEMOCRATS.
THEY PROBABLY PREFER NOT TO GET

THEY'RE ALL DEMOCRATS.
THEY PROBABLY PREFER NOT TO GET
INVOLVED, IF YOU KNOW

THEY PROBABLY PREFER NOT TO GET
INVOLVED, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN...

INVOLVED, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN...
WELL, THAT IS CERTAINLY A

WHAT I MEAN...
WELL, THAT IS CERTAINLY A
STARTLING ACCOUNT OF THE

WELL, THAT IS CERTAINLY A
STARTLING ACCOUNT OF THE
ALLEGED BEHAVIOR OF PERHAPS

STARTLING ACCOUNT OF THE
ALLEGED BEHAVIOR OF PERHAPS
THE MOST SECOND POWERFUL MAN

ALLEGED BEHAVIOR OF PERHAPS
THE MOST SECOND POWERFUL MAN
IN THE WORLD... BUT LET'S MEET

THE MOST SECOND POWERFUL MAN
IN THE WORLD... BUT LET'S MEET
OUR NEXT GUEST WHO IS PAT HAYES,

IN THE WORLD... BUT LET'S MEET
OUR NEXT GUEST WHO IS PAT HAYES,
A FARMER FROM MATTOON, ILLINOIS.

OUR NEXT GUEST WHO IS PAT HAYES,
A FARMER FROM MATTOON, ILLINOIS.
HELLO, MR. SUSSKIND.

A FARMER FROM MATTOON, ILLINOIS.
HELLO, MR. SUSSKIND.
I SAW HAMILTON JORDAN TAKE

HELLO, MR. SUSSKIND.
I SAW HAMILTON JORDAN TAKE
COCAINE AND I'VE HAD SEX

I SAW HAMILTON JORDAN TAKE
COCAINE AND I'VE HAD SEX
WITH MARGARET TRUDEAU.

COCAINE AND I'VE HAD SEX
WITH MARGARET TRUDEAU.
[LAUGHTER]

WITH MARGARET TRUDEAU.
[LAUGHTER]
WAIT A MINUTE NOW, MARGARET

[LAUGHTER]
WAIT A MINUTE NOW, MARGARET
TRUDEAU, THE ESTRANGED WIFE OF

WAIT A MINUTE NOW, MARGARET
TRUDEAU, THE ESTRANGED WIFE OF
THE FORMER PRIME MINISTER

TRUDEAU, THE ESTRANGED WIFE OF
THE FORMER PRIME MINISTER
OF CANADA?

THE FORMER PRIME MINISTER
OF CANADA?
WELL, IT WAS A FULL MOON,

OF CANADA?
WELL, IT WAS A FULL MOON,
I GOT A GOOD LOOK AT HER

WELL, IT WAS A FULL MOON,
I GOT A GOOD LOOK AT HER
IT WAS HER ALL RIGHT.

I GOT A GOOD LOOK AT HER
IT WAS HER ALL RIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS HER ALL RIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
David: THAT IS AMAZING.

[LAUGHTER]
David: THAT IS AMAZING.
HOW DOES A FARMER FROM ILLINOIS

David: THAT IS AMAZING.
HOW DOES A FARMER FROM ILLINOIS
GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE

HOW DOES A FARMER FROM ILLINOIS
GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE
HAMILTON JORDAN AND MARGARET

GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE
HAMILTON JORDAN AND MARGARET
TRUDEAU, LET ALONE HAVE SEX

HAMILTON JORDAN AND MARGARET
TRUDEAU, LET ALONE HAVE SEX
WITH THEM.

TRUDEAU, LET ALONE HAVE SEX
WITH THEM.
NOW HOLD ON HERE

WITH THEM.
NOW HOLD ON HERE
I'VE ONLY HAD SEX WITH

NOW HOLD ON HERE
I'VE ONLY HAD SEX WITH
MARGARET TRUDEAU.

I'VE ONLY HAD SEX WITH
MARGARET TRUDEAU.
GET THIS STRAIGHT RIGHT AWAY

MARGARET TRUDEAU.
GET THIS STRAIGHT RIGHT AWAY
I'D RATHER BE KILLED THAN

GET THIS STRAIGHT RIGHT AWAY
I'D RATHER BE KILLED THAN
HAVE SEX WITH A MAN.

I'D RATHER BE KILLED THAN
HAVE SEX WITH A MAN.
I'M SORRY... I DIDN'T MEAN

HAVE SEX WITH A MAN.
I'M SORRY... I DIDN'T MEAN
TO INSINUATE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR

I'M SORRY... I DIDN'T MEAN
TO INSINUATE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR
SEXUAL PREFERENCES, GO AHEAD.

TO INSINUATE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR
SEXUAL PREFERENCES, GO AHEAD.
WELL, I WAS OUT IN THE BARN

SEXUAL PREFERENCES, GO AHEAD.
WELL, I WAS OUT IN THE BARN
CHECKING ON ONE OF MY PRIZE

WELL, I WAS OUT IN THE BARN
CHECKING ON ONE OF MY PRIZE
GOLDEN JERSEYS WHO'S ABOUT

CHECKING ON ONE OF MY PRIZE
GOLDEN JERSEYS WHO'S ABOUT
TO CALVE.

GOLDEN JERSEYS WHO'S ABOUT
TO CALVE.
WELL, I HEAR THIS DANG SNORTIN'

TO CALVE.
WELL, I HEAR THIS DANG SNORTIN'
OUTSIDE KINDA OUT BY THE SOW.

WELL, I HEAR THIS DANG SNORTIN'
OUTSIDE KINDA OUT BY THE SOW.
AND I SAY TO MYSELF,

OUTSIDE KINDA OUT BY THE SOW.
AND I SAY TO MYSELF,
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

AND I SAY TO MYSELF,
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
SO I WALKED UP TO HIM TO SEE

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
SO I WALKED UP TO HIM TO SEE
WHO IT IS.

SO I WALKED UP TO HIM TO SEE
WHO IT IS.
WELL, DANG IF IT AIN'T

WHO IT IS.
WELL, DANG IF IT AIN'T
HAMILTON JORDAN AND MARGARET

WELL, DANG IF IT AIN'T
HAMILTON JORDAN AND MARGARET
TRUDEAU!

HAMILTON JORDAN AND MARGARET
TRUDEAU!
NOW, BEFORE I COULD SAY A THING

TRUDEAU!
NOW, BEFORE I COULD SAY A THING
I SAID, "WHAT'S THE DANG

NOW, BEFORE I COULD SAY A THING
I SAID, "WHAT'S THE DANG
DEAL HERE?"

I SAID, "WHAT'S THE DANG
DEAL HERE?"
THEY PULL THIS DANG GUN ON ME

DEAL HERE?"
THEY PULL THIS DANG GUN ON ME
AND HE TELLS ME TO TAKE

THEY PULL THIS DANG GUN ON ME
AND HE TELLS ME TO TAKE
MY DANG PANTS OFF!

AND HE TELLS ME TO TAKE
MY DANG PANTS OFF!
THEN MR. JORDAN HELD A GUN ON ME

MY DANG PANTS OFF!
THEN MR. JORDAN HELD A GUN ON ME
AND TOOK COCAINE WHILE I HAD SEX

THEN MR. JORDAN HELD A GUN ON ME
AND TOOK COCAINE WHILE I HAD SEX
WITH MRS. TRUDEAU!

AND TOOK COCAINE WHILE I HAD SEX
WITH MRS. TRUDEAU!
[LAUGHTER]

WITH MRS. TRUDEAU!
[LAUGHTER]
THEN THEY TOOK OFF AND THEY TOLD

[LAUGHTER]
THEN THEY TOOK OFF AND THEY TOLD
ME NOT TO TELL ANYBODY.

THEN THEY TOOK OFF AND THEY TOLD
ME NOT TO TELL ANYBODY.
HEY, I HAD SEX WITH

ME NOT TO TELL ANYBODY.
HEY, I HAD SEX WITH
MARGARET TRUDEAU.

HEY, I HAD SEX WITH
MARGARET TRUDEAU.
SHE CAME UP TO THE CLUB, MAN

MARGARET TRUDEAU.
SHE CAME UP TO THE CLUB, MAN
'CAUSE IT'S CROWDED, IT GETS

SHE CAME UP TO THE CLUB, MAN
'CAUSE IT'S CROWDED, IT GETS
CROWDED DOWN THERE LIKE

'CAUSE IT'S CROWDED, IT GETS
CROWDED DOWN THERE LIKE
STUDIO 54, SO SHE GOES BACK

CROWDED DOWN THERE LIKE
STUDIO 54, SO SHE GOES BACK
IN THE BACK ROOM WITH ME,

STUDIO 54, SO SHE GOES BACK
IN THE BACK ROOM WITH ME,
HIKES UP HER DRESS, MAN,

IN THE BACK ROOM WITH ME,
HIKES UP HER DRESS, MAN,
AND HANGS ON TO THE RADIATOR,

HIKES UP HER DRESS, MAN,
AND HANGS ON TO THE RADIATOR,
MAN, RIGHT...

AND HANGS ON TO THE RADIATOR,
MAN, RIGHT...
OH, AND SHE HAD THE FINE BODY

MAN, RIGHT...
OH, AND SHE HAD THE FINE BODY
ON HER!

OH, AND SHE HAD THE FINE BODY
ON HER!
YES SHE DOES, SHE HAS

ON HER!
YES SHE DOES, SHE HAS
A GOOD BODY.

YES SHE DOES, SHE HAS
A GOOD BODY.
I MET MARGARET TRUDEAU ONCE

A GOOD BODY.
I MET MARGARET TRUDEAU ONCE
AND SHE PAWED ME LIKE AN ANIMAL.

I MET MARGARET TRUDEAU ONCE
AND SHE PAWED ME LIKE AN ANIMAL.
[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE PAWED ME LIKE AN ANIMAL.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS.

[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS.
I MEAN, I COULD MAKE UP A STORY

THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS.
I MEAN, I COULD MAKE UP A STORY
SAYING THAT I HAD SEX WITH

I MEAN, I COULD MAKE UP A STORY
SAYING THAT I HAD SEX WITH
DAVID FROST BUT I COULD NEVER

SAYING THAT I HAD SEX WITH
DAVID FROST BUT I COULD NEVER
PROVE IT, HOW COULD I PROVE IT?

DAVID FROST BUT I COULD NEVER
PROVE IT, HOW COULD I PROVE IT?
I BELIEVE IT.

PROVE IT, HOW COULD I PROVE IT?
I BELIEVE IT.
[LAUGHTER]

I BELIEVE IT.
[LAUGHTER]
I BELIEVE IT TOO!

[LAUGHTER]
I BELIEVE IT TOO!
I HAD LUNCH WITH DAVID FROST

I BELIEVE IT TOO!
I HAD LUNCH WITH DAVID FROST
ONCE AND HE PAWED ME

I HAD LUNCH WITH DAVID FROST
ONCE AND HE PAWED ME
LIKE AN ANIMAL.

ONCE AND HE PAWED ME
LIKE AN ANIMAL.
[LAUGHTER]

LIKE AN ANIMAL.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE BETTER

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE BETTER
RUN OUT OF TIME...

WELL, I'M AFRAID WE BETTER
RUN OUT OF TIME...
MR. HAYES, SIR, I HOPE YOU

RUN OUT OF TIME...
MR. HAYES, SIR, I HOPE YOU
HAVE A PLEASANT BUS RIDE BACK

MR. HAYES, SIR, I HOPE YOU
HAVE A PLEASANT BUS RIDE BACK
TO MATTOON, ILLINOIS.

HAVE A PLEASANT BUS RIDE BACK
TO MATTOON, ILLINOIS.
MISS DICKMAN, I HOPE THAT YOU

TO MATTOON, ILLINOIS.
MISS DICKMAN, I HOPE THAT YOU
RECOVER FROM YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL

MISS DICKMAN, I HOPE THAT YOU
RECOVER FROM YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL
TRAUMA, REAL OR IMAGINED,

RECOVER FROM YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL
TRAUMA, REAL OR IMAGINED,
AND MR. BROWN, GOOD LUCK TO YOU

TRAUMA, REAL OR IMAGINED,
AND MR. BROWN, GOOD LUCK TO YOU
IN YOUR UPCOMING TRIAL.

AND MR. BROWN, GOOD LUCK TO YOU
IN YOUR UPCOMING TRIAL.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

IN YOUR UPCOMING TRIAL.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN
OUR GUESTS WILL BE THREE PERSONS

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN
OUR GUESTS WILL BE THREE PERSONS
WHO ALL SAY THAT THEY SAW

OUR GUESTS WILL BE THREE PERSONS
WHO ALL SAY THAT THEY SAW
BIGFOOT SNIFF COCAINE.

WHO ALL SAY THAT THEY SAW
BIGFOOT SNIFF COCAINE.
THIS IS DAVID SUSSKIND,

BIGFOOT SNIFF COCAINE.
THIS IS DAVID SUSSKIND,
GOODNIGHT.

THIS IS DAVID SUSSKIND,
GOODNIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
BLONDIE!
[♪...]

♪ TWENTY FIVE TONS
OF HARDENED STEEL ♪
♪ ROLLS ON NO ORDINARY WHEEL ♪

OF HARDENED STEEL ♪
♪ ROLLS ON NO ORDINARY WHEEL ♪
♪ INSIDE THE ARMORED CAR ♪

♪ ROLLS ON NO ORDINARY WHEEL ♪
♪ INSIDE THE ARMORED CAR ♪
♪ RIDE TWO BIG ARMED GUARDS

♪ INSIDE THE ARMORED CAR ♪
♪ RIDE TWO BIG ARMED GUARDS
IN A BULLETPROOF VEST ♪

♪ RIDE TWO BIG ARMED GUARDS
IN A BULLETPROOF VEST ♪
♪ SHATTERPROOF GLASS ♪

IN A BULLETPROOF VEST ♪
♪ SHATTERPROOF GLASS ♪
♪ OVERDRIVE, WE'RE GONNA PASS ♪

♪ SHATTERPROOF GLASS ♪
♪ OVERDRIVE, WE'RE GONNA PASS ♪
♪ TWENTY FIVE TONS

♪ OVERDRIVE, WE'RE GONNA PASS ♪
♪ TWENTY FIVE TONS
OF HARDENED STEEL ♪

♪ TWENTY FIVE TONS
OF HARDENED STEEL ♪
♪ ROLLS ON NO ORDINARY WHEEL ♪

OF HARDENED STEEL ♪
♪ ROLLS ON NO ORDINARY WHEEL ♪
♪ THE HARDEST PART

♪ ROLLS ON NO ORDINARY WHEEL ♪
♪ THE HARDEST PART
OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪

♪ THE HARDEST PART
OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪
♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪

OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪
♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪
♪ BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL ♪

♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪
♪ BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL ♪
♪ NITRO AND ACETYLENE ♪

♪ BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL ♪
♪ NITRO AND ACETYLENE ♪
♪ OPEN LA MACHINE ♪

♪ NITRO AND ACETYLENE ♪
♪ OPEN LA MACHINE ♪
♪ NO SHORT HEIST ♪

♪ OPEN LA MACHINE ♪
♪ NO SHORT HEIST ♪
♪ NO OVERNIGHT ♪

♪ NO SHORT HEIST ♪
♪ NO OVERNIGHT ♪
♪ BIG MONEY, TAKE YA TO BRAZIL ♪

♪ NO OVERNIGHT ♪
♪ BIG MONEY, TAKE YA TO BRAZIL ♪
♪ BULLETPROOF VEST ♪

♪ BIG MONEY, TAKE YA TO BRAZIL ♪
♪ BULLETPROOF VEST ♪
♪ SHATTERPROOF GLASS ♪

♪ BULLETPROOF VEST ♪
♪ SHATTERPROOF GLASS ♪
♪ OVERDRIVE, WE'RE GONNA PASS ♪

♪ SHATTERPROOF GLASS ♪
♪ OVERDRIVE, WE'RE GONNA PASS ♪
♪ OOH, TIME BOMB, GREASY MOB ♪

♪ OVERDRIVE, WE'RE GONNA PASS ♪
♪ OOH, TIME BOMB, GREASY MOB ♪
♪ COUNT DOWN ♪

♪ OOH, TIME BOMB, GREASY MOB ♪
♪ COUNT DOWN ♪
♪ HURRY UP, COME ON ♪

♪ COUNT DOWN ♪
♪ HURRY UP, COME ON ♪
♪ THE HARDEST PART

♪ HURRY UP, COME ON ♪
♪ THE HARDEST PART
OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪

♪ THE HARDEST PART
OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪
♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪

OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪
♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪
♪ BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL ♪

♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪
♪ BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL ♪
[♪...]

♪ IN A WIRE MESH CAGE
WITH A TWELVE GAUGE ♪
♪ RADIO-WE'RE COMING FAST ♪

WITH A TWELVE GAUGE ♪
♪ RADIO-WE'RE COMING FAST ♪
♪ OOH, NEED TO FEEL

♪ RADIO-WE'RE COMING FAST ♪
♪ OOH, NEED TO FEEL
SOME HARDENED STEEL ♪

♪ OOH, NEED TO FEEL
SOME HARDENED STEEL ♪
♪ DELIVER THE BIG MONEY DEAL

SOME HARDENED STEEL ♪
♪ DELIVER THE BIG MONEY DEAL
OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪

♪ DELIVER THE BIG MONEY DEAL
OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪
♪ HERE'S WHAT I HEARD ♪

OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪
♪ HERE'S WHAT I HEARD ♪
♪ I'LL TELL YOU THAT HE WILL ♪

♪ HERE'S WHAT I HEARD ♪
♪ I'LL TELL YOU THAT HE WILL ♪
♪ NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ I'LL TELL YOU THAT HE WILL ♪
♪ NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL ♪
♪ OOH, THE HARDEST PART

♪ NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL ♪
♪ OOH, THE HARDEST PART
OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪

♪ OOH, THE HARDEST PART
OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪
♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪

OF THE ARMORED GUARD ♪
♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪
♪ BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL ♪

♪ BIG MAN OF STEEL ♪
♪ BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL ♪
♪ TWENTY FIVE TONS

♪ BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL ♪
♪ TWENTY FIVE TONS
OF HARDENED STEEL ♪

♪ TWENTY FIVE TONS
OF HARDENED STEEL ♪
♪ DELIVER THE BIG MONEY DEAL ♪

OF HARDENED STEEL ♪
♪ DELIVER THE BIG MONEY DEAL ♪
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL
TO THIS EVENING'S PERFORMANCE

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL
TO THIS EVENING'S PERFORMANCE
BY RUSSIA'S BOLSHOI BALLET.

TO THIS EVENING'S PERFORMANCE
BY RUSSIA'S BOLSHOI BALLET.
I'M AFRAID WE'RE ALL AWARE OF

BY RUSSIA'S BOLSHOI BALLET.
I'M AFRAID WE'RE ALL AWARE OF
THE RUMORS CIRCULATING TO THE

I'M AFRAID WE'RE ALL AWARE OF
THE RUMORS CIRCULATING TO THE
FACT THAT, AS A RESULT OF

THE RUMORS CIRCULATING TO THE
FACT THAT, AS A RESULT OF
PREVIOUS INCIDENTS, THE

FACT THAT, AS A RESULT OF
PREVIOUS INCIDENTS, THE
REMAINDER OF RUSSIAN TOUR WILL

PREVIOUS INCIDENTS, THE
REMAINDER OF RUSSIAN TOUR WILL
BE CANCELLED.

REMAINDER OF RUSSIAN TOUR WILL
BE CANCELLED.
I WISH TO ASSURE YOU THAT THIS

BE CANCELLED.
I WISH TO ASSURE YOU THAT THIS
IS NOT THE CASE.

I WISH TO ASSURE YOU THAT THIS
IS NOT THE CASE.
THIS EVENING'S PERFORMANCE

IS NOT THE CASE.
THIS EVENING'S PERFORMANCE
AND ALL OTHER PERFORMANCES

THIS EVENING'S PERFORMANCE
AND ALL OTHER PERFORMANCES
WILL GO ON AS SCHEDULED.

AND ALL OTHER PERFORMANCES
WILL GO ON AS SCHEDULED.
[CLAP, CLAP]

WILL GO ON AS SCHEDULED.
[CLAP, CLAP]
THANK YOU.

[CLAP, CLAP]
THANK YOU.
WE MERELY ASK YOU, WE ASK YOU DO

THANK YOU.
WE MERELY ASK YOU, WE ASK YOU DO
TO BEAR WITH A FEW MINOR

WE MERELY ASK YOU, WE ASK YOU DO
TO BEAR WITH A FEW MINOR
SECURITY PRECAUTIONS.

TO BEAR WITH A FEW MINOR
SECURITY PRECAUTIONS.
SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

SECURITY PRECAUTIONS.
SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
WE PRESENT THE OPENING NUMBER

SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
WE PRESENT THE OPENING NUMBER
ON THIS EVENING'S PROGRAM

WE PRESENT THE OPENING NUMBER
ON THIS EVENING'S PROGRAM
"LE SPECTRE DE LA ROSE"

ON THIS EVENING'S PROGRAM
"LE SPECTRE DE LA ROSE"
DANCED BY KATARINA ROSTROPOVA

"LE SPECTRE DE LA ROSE"
DANCED BY KATARINA ROSTROPOVA
AND VLADIMIR OLGANOV.

[♪...]

[♪...]

[LAUGHTER]

[♪...]

[♪...]

[♪...]

[INAUDIBLE]

[SIREN BLARING...]
[APPLAUSE]

Mr. Bill: HEY KIDS!
IT'S TIME FOR THE ALL-NEW
MR. BILL SHOW!

IT'S TIME FOR THE ALL-NEW
MR. BILL SHOW!
[GIGGLES]

MR. BILL SHOW!
[GIGGLES]
OH BOY, WELCOME TO THE

[GIGGLES]
OH BOY, WELCOME TO THE
"ALL-NEW MR. BILL SHOW"!

OH BOY, WELCOME TO THE
"ALL-NEW MR. BILL SHOW"!
WITH AN ALL-NEW CAST!

"ALL-NEW MR. BILL SHOW"!
WITH AN ALL-NEW CAST!
YAY!

WITH AN ALL-NEW CAST!
YAY!
YOU KNOW, THAT MEAN OL' SLUGGO

YAY!
YOU KNOW, THAT MEAN OL' SLUGGO
AND MR. HANDS WON'T BE BACK

YOU KNOW, THAT MEAN OL' SLUGGO
AND MR. HANDS WON'T BE BACK
THIS SEASON, 'CAUSE I THINK

AND MR. HANDS WON'T BE BACK
THIS SEASON, 'CAUSE I THINK
THEY WERE HOLDING US BACK.

THIS SEASON, 'CAUSE I THINK
THEY WERE HOLDING US BACK.
BUT DON'T WORRY, KIDS, BECAUSE

THEY WERE HOLDING US BACK.
BUT DON'T WORRY, KIDS, BECAUSE
WE'RE GONNA DO A LOT OF FUN

BUT DON'T WORRY, KIDS, BECAUSE
WE'RE GONNA DO A LOT OF FUN
THINGS, YAY!

WE'RE GONNA DO A LOT OF FUN
THINGS, YAY!
SAY, TO HELP START OFF THE

THINGS, YAY!
SAY, TO HELP START OFF THE
FESTIVITIES, HERE'S MY CO-HOST,

SAY, TO HELP START OFF THE
FESTIVITIES, HERE'S MY CO-HOST,
AND MY BEST FRIEND-SPOT!

FESTIVITIES, HERE'S MY CO-HOST,
AND MY BEST FRIEND-SPOT!
YAY!

AND MY BEST FRIEND-SPOT!
YAY!
[SPOT BARKS]

YAY!
[SPOT BARKS]
SAY, SPOT, HOW'S YOUR NEW

[SPOT BARKS]
SAY, SPOT, HOW'S YOUR NEW
FLEA COLLAR WORKING OUT?

SAY, SPOT, HOW'S YOUR NEW
FLEA COLLAR WORKING OUT?
[SPOT BARKS]

FLEA COLLAR WORKING OUT?
[SPOT BARKS]
[GIGGLES] SPOT SAYS IT

[SPOT BARKS]
[GIGGLES] SPOT SAYS IT
FITS THE FLEA PERFECTLY!

[GIGGLES] SPOT SAYS IT
FITS THE FLEA PERFECTLY!
SPOT, YOU'RE SO FUNNY!

FITS THE FLEA PERFECTLY!
SPOT, YOU'RE SO FUNNY!
HEY, AND NOW, KIDS, I'D LIKE

SPOT, YOU'RE SO FUNNY!
HEY, AND NOW, KIDS, I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A NEW GUEST

HEY, AND NOW, KIDS, I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A NEW GUEST
ON THE SHOW.

TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A NEW GUEST
ON THE SHOW.
SHE'S REALLY VERSATILE, WITTY

ON THE SHOW.
SHE'S REALLY VERSATILE, WITTY
AND CUTE, AND I MET HER AT THE

SHE'S REALLY VERSATILE, WITTY
AND CUTE, AND I MET HER AT THE
BEACH THIS SUMMER - LET'S HEAR

AND CUTE, AND I MET HER AT THE
BEACH THIS SUMMER - LET'S HEAR
IT FOR MISS SALLY, YAY!

BEACH THIS SUMMER - LET'S HEAR
IT FOR MISS SALLY, YAY!
[APPLAUSE]

IT FOR MISS SALLY, YAY!
[APPLAUSE]
OH BOY, ISN'T SHE HOT, HUH?

[APPLAUSE]
OH BOY, ISN'T SHE HOT, HUH?
SAY, MISS SALLY...

OH BOY, ISN'T SHE HOT, HUH?
SAY, MISS SALLY...
HOW 'BOUT IF WE SHOW THE KIDS

SAY, MISS SALLY...
HOW 'BOUT IF WE SHOW THE KIDS
SOME MOVIES OF HOW WE MET

HOW 'BOUT IF WE SHOW THE KIDS
SOME MOVIES OF HOW WE MET
AT THE BEACH THIS SUMMER.

SOME MOVIES OF HOW WE MET
AT THE BEACH THIS SUMMER.
Miss Sally: OKAY!

AT THE BEACH THIS SUMMER.
Miss Sally: OKAY!
Mr. Bill: OH, GREAT!

Miss Sally: OKAY!
Mr. Bill: OH, GREAT!
SO, WILL YOU ROLL THE FILM NOW,

Mr. Bill: OH, GREAT!
SO, WILL YOU ROLL THE FILM NOW,
PLEASE?

SO, WILL YOU ROLL THE FILM NOW,
PLEASE?
UHH... THE FILM, PLEASE?

PLEASE?
UHH... THE FILM, PLEASE?
COULD YOU ROLL IT?

UHH... THE FILM, PLEASE?
COULD YOU ROLL IT?
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL

COULD YOU ROLL IT?
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL
I'M RETURNING YOUR PROJECTOR

Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL
I'M RETURNING YOUR PROJECTOR
I BORROWED.

I'M RETURNING YOUR PROJECTOR
I BORROWED.
OOPS!

I BORROWED.
OOPS!
Mr. Bill: OHH!

OOPS!
Mr. Bill: OHH!
SALLY, OHH!

Mr. Bill: OHH!
SALLY, OHH!
MR. HANDS!

SALLY, OHH!
MR. HANDS!
DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO QUIT

MR. HANDS!
DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO QUIT
COMING OVER HERE, HUH?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO QUIT
COMING OVER HERE, HUH?
[SPOT BARKS]

COMING OVER HERE, HUH?
[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Bill: YEAH, AND,

[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Bill: YEAH, AND,
YOU KNOW, WE WERE HAVING

Mr. Bill: YEAH, AND,
YOU KNOW, WE WERE HAVING
THE BEST SHOW EVER UNTIL

YOU KNOW, WE WERE HAVING
THE BEST SHOW EVER UNTIL
YOU SHOWED UP!

THE BEST SHOW EVER UNTIL
YOU SHOWED UP!
Mr. Hands: BUT MR. BILL,

YOU SHOWED UP!
Mr. Hands: BUT MR. BILL,
I HEARD YOU WERE SHOWING

Mr. Hands: BUT MR. BILL,
I HEARD YOU WERE SHOWING
HOME MOVIES TONIGHT.

I HEARD YOU WERE SHOWING
HOME MOVIES TONIGHT.
Mr. Bill: WELL, I'M NOT

HOME MOVIES TONIGHT.
Mr. Bill: WELL, I'M NOT
IN THE MOOD ANY MORE!

Mr. Bill: WELL, I'M NOT
IN THE MOOD ANY MORE!
Mr. Hands: OH, COME ON.

IN THE MOOD ANY MORE!
Mr. Hands: OH, COME ON.
HELP ME PLUG IT IN.

Mr. Hands: OH, COME ON.
HELP ME PLUG IT IN.
Mr. Bill: OHH, NO.

HELP ME PLUG IT IN.
Mr. Bill: OHH, NO.
YOU JUST WANT TO SHOCK ME!

Mr. Bill: OHH, NO.
YOU JUST WANT TO SHOCK ME!
I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT

YOU JUST WANT TO SHOCK ME!
I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT
ONE AGAIN!

I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT
ONE AGAIN!
Mr. Hands: OKAY, I'LL DO IT.

ONE AGAIN!
Mr. Hands: OKAY, I'LL DO IT.
Mr. Bill: OHH!

Mr. Hands: OKAY, I'LL DO IT.
Mr. Bill: OHH!
[CROWD LAUGHS]

Mr. Bill: OHH!
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Mr. Hands: AH, WHAT A

[CROWD LAUGHS]
Mr. Hands: AH, WHAT A
BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT WAS,

Mr. Hands: AH, WHAT A
BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT WAS,
WHEN WE WENT TO THE BEACH

BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT WAS,
WHEN WE WENT TO THE BEACH
AT CONEY ISLAND.

WHEN WE WENT TO THE BEACH
AT CONEY ISLAND.
Mr. Bill: OH, GOODIE!

AT CONEY ISLAND.
Mr. Bill: OH, GOODIE!
OH BOY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN

Mr. Bill: OH, GOODIE!
OH BOY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN
TODAY AT THE BEACH!

OH BOY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN
TODAY AT THE BEACH!
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL

TODAY AT THE BEACH!
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL
LET'S TOSS THE FRISBEE.

Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL
LET'S TOSS THE FRISBEE.
Mr. Bill: BUT I'M BUSY

LET'S TOSS THE FRISBEE.
Mr. Bill: BUT I'M BUSY
RIGHT NOW!

Mr. Bill: BUT I'M BUSY
RIGHT NOW!
Mr. Hands: OH, OKAY.

RIGHT NOW!
Mr. Hands: OH, OKAY.
I'LL PLAY WITH SPOT.

Mr. Hands: OH, OKAY.
I'LL PLAY WITH SPOT.
HERE, SPOT, CATCH THE FRISBEE!

I'LL PLAY WITH SPOT.
HERE, SPOT, CATCH THE FRISBEE!
[CROWD LAUGHS]

HERE, SPOT, CATCH THE FRISBEE!
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Mr. Bill: OH, NO, SPOT, OH!

[CROWD LAUGHS]
Mr. Bill: OH, NO, SPOT, OH!
Mr. Hands: OH, SAY, MR. BILL

Mr. Bill: OH, NO, SPOT, OH!
Mr. Hands: OH, SAY, MR. BILL
THIS NICE, YOUNG LADY'S

Mr. Hands: OH, SAY, MR. BILL
THIS NICE, YOUNG LADY'S
RETURNING YOUR FRISBEE.

THIS NICE, YOUNG LADY'S
RETURNING YOUR FRISBEE.
Mr. Bill: OH GEE, THANKS,

RETURNING YOUR FRISBEE.
Mr. Bill: OH GEE, THANKS,
HEY, SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE

Mr. Bill: OH GEE, THANKS,
HEY, SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO STAY FOR LUNCH, HUH?

HEY, SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO STAY FOR LUNCH, HUH?
Miss Sally: OKAY.

TO STAY FOR LUNCH, HUH?
Miss Sally: OKAY.
Mr. Bill: OH, OH BOY!

Miss Sally: OKAY.
Mr. Bill: OH, OH BOY!
HEY, SAY, MR. HANDS...

Mr. Bill: OH, OH BOY!
HEY, SAY, MR. HANDS...
DO WE HAVE ANY MORE FOOD

HEY, SAY, MR. HANDS...
DO WE HAVE ANY MORE FOOD
LEFT IN THE BASKET, HUH?

DO WE HAVE ANY MORE FOOD
LEFT IN THE BASKET, HUH?
Mr. Hands: GEE, I DON'T KNOW,

LEFT IN THE BASKET, HUH?
Mr. Hands: GEE, I DON'T KNOW,
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK?

Mr. Hands: GEE, I DON'T KNOW,
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK?
Mr. Bill: OH, OKAY...

WHY DON'T YOU CHECK?
Mr. Bill: OH, OKAY...
GEE, THERE'S NOTHING LEFT.

Mr. Bill: OH, OKAY...
GEE, THERE'S NOTHING LEFT.
Mr. Hands: OH.

GEE, THERE'S NOTHING LEFT.
Mr. Hands: OH.
Mr. Bill: OHH!

Mr. Hands: OH.
Mr. Bill: OHH!
Mr. Hands: SAY, WHY DON'T YOU

Mr. Bill: OHH!
Mr. Hands: SAY, WHY DON'T YOU
TWO THROW THE BEACH BALL AROUND?

Mr. Hands: SAY, WHY DON'T YOU
TWO THROW THE BEACH BALL AROUND?
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET A SUNTAN!

TWO THROW THE BEACH BALL AROUND?
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET A SUNTAN!
SAY, YOU'RE REALLY

YOU'RE TRYING TO GET A SUNTAN!
SAY, YOU'RE REALLY
FAIR-COMPLECTED.

SAY, YOU'RE REALLY
FAIR-COMPLECTED.
I'LL PUT SOME TANNING LOTION ON

FAIR-COMPLECTED.
I'LL PUT SOME TANNING LOTION ON
TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE SUN.

I'LL PUT SOME TANNING LOTION ON
TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE SUN.
Mr. Bill: WELL, OKAY,

TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE SUN.
Mr. Bill: WELL, OKAY,
THANKS, MR. HANDS, BUT I THINK

Mr. Bill: WELL, OKAY,
THANKS, MR. HANDS, BUT I THINK
THAT'S ENOUGH!

THANKS, MR. HANDS, BUT I THINK
THAT'S ENOUGH!
Mr. Hands: SAY, YOU KNOW,

THAT'S ENOUGH!
Mr. Hands: SAY, YOU KNOW,
AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT'LL

Mr. Hands: SAY, YOU KNOW,
AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT'LL
GIVE YOU AN EVEN QUICKER TAN.

AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT'LL
GIVE YOU AN EVEN QUICKER TAN.
Mr. Bill: UH, WHAT'S THAT,

GIVE YOU AN EVEN QUICKER TAN.
Mr. Bill: UH, WHAT'S THAT,
MR. HANDS?

Mr. Bill: UH, WHAT'S THAT,
MR. HANDS?
W-W-WAIT, THAT'S TOO HOT!

MR. HANDS?
W-W-WAIT, THAT'S TOO HOT!
NO, I DON'T WANNA TAN,

W-W-WAIT, THAT'S TOO HOT!
NO, I DON'T WANNA TAN,
THAT'S TOO HOT!

NO, I DON'T WANNA TAN,
THAT'S TOO HOT!
NO, STOP, NO, NO, NO!

THAT'S TOO HOT!
NO, STOP, NO, NO, NO!
OHH!

NO, STOP, NO, NO, NO!
OHH!
Mr. Hands: UH-OH, HERE COMES

OHH!
Mr. Hands: UH-OH, HERE COMES
MISS SALLY'S JEALOUS BOYFRIEND.

Mr. Hands: UH-OH, HERE COMES
MISS SALLY'S JEALOUS BOYFRIEND.
OH, HE KICKED SAND IN YOUR FACE!

MISS SALLY'S JEALOUS BOYFRIEND.
OH, HE KICKED SAND IN YOUR FACE!
UH, MR. BILL,

OH, HE KICKED SAND IN YOUR FACE!
UH, MR. BILL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

UH, MR. BILL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
LOOKING FOR BURIED TREASURE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
LOOKING FOR BURIED TREASURE?
HUH?

LOOKING FOR BURIED TREASURE?
HUH?
OH, BOY, YOU HIT THE JACKPOT,

HUH?
OH, BOY, YOU HIT THE JACKPOT,
MR. BILL, THAT'S GREAT!

OH, BOY, YOU HIT THE JACKPOT,
MR. BILL, THAT'S GREAT!
Mr. Bill: OH, REALLY?

MR. BILL, THAT'S GREAT!
Mr. Bill: OH, REALLY?
I DID!

Mr. Bill: OH, REALLY?
I DID!
WELL, WHAT'S INSIDE, HUH,

I DID!
WELL, WHAT'S INSIDE, HUH,
MR. HANDS?

WELL, WHAT'S INSIDE, HUH,
MR. HANDS?
Mr. Hands: WELL, HERE...

MR. HANDS?
Mr. Hands: WELL, HERE...
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK?

Mr. Hands: WELL, HERE...
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK?
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO, STOP!

WHY DON'T YOU CHECK?
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO, STOP!
OHH!

Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO, STOP!
OHH!
[LAUGHTER]

OHH!
[LAUGHTER]
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL,

[LAUGHTER]
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL,
WHY DON'T WE WASH SOME OF THAT

Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL,
WHY DON'T WE WASH SOME OF THAT
SAND OFF OF YOU, HUH?

WHY DON'T WE WASH SOME OF THAT
SAND OFF OF YOU, HUH?
Mr. Bill: NO, NO!

SAND OFF OF YOU, HUH?
Mr. Bill: NO, NO!
BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T SWIM!

Mr. Bill: NO, NO!
BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T SWIM!
Mr. Hands: OH, GEE,

BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T SWIM!
Mr. Hands: OH, GEE,
THAT'S RIGHT...

Mr. Hands: OH, GEE,
THAT'S RIGHT...
I'D BETTER GET THE LIFEGUARD.

THAT'S RIGHT...
I'D BETTER GET THE LIFEGUARD.
HE SAYS THIS'LL SAVE YOU.

I'D BETTER GET THE LIFEGUARD.
HE SAYS THIS'LL SAVE YOU.
Mr. Bill: OHH!

HE SAYS THIS'LL SAVE YOU.
Mr. Bill: OHH!
Mr. Hands: OH, BOY!

Mr. Bill: OHH!
Mr. Hands: OH, BOY!
SURF'S UP, MR. BILL!

Mr. Hands: OH, BOY!
SURF'S UP, MR. BILL!
Mr. Bill: OH, BUT YOU KNOW

SURF'S UP, MR. BILL!
Mr. Bill: OH, BUT YOU KNOW
I CAN'T SURF, OHH!

Mr. Hands: BOY, MR. BILL,
YOU REALLY RODE THOSE
WAVES THAT DAY.

YOU REALLY RODE THOSE
WAVES THAT DAY.
AND MISS SALLY WAS SO IMPRESSED

WAVES THAT DAY.
AND MISS SALLY WAS SO IMPRESSED
WITH HOW BRAVE YOU WERE TO FIGHT

AND MISS SALLY WAS SO IMPRESSED
WITH HOW BRAVE YOU WERE TO FIGHT
THAT DANGEROUS SHARK AND MAKE

WITH HOW BRAVE YOU WERE TO FIGHT
THAT DANGEROUS SHARK AND MAKE
THE WATER SAFE FOR EVERYBODY.

THAT DANGEROUS SHARK AND MAKE
THE WATER SAFE FOR EVERYBODY.
YEAH, THAT WAS QUITE A DAY,

THE WATER SAFE FOR EVERYBODY.
YEAH, THAT WAS QUITE A DAY,
MR. BILL... UH, MR. BILL?

YEAH, THAT WAS QUITE A DAY,
MR. BILL... UH, MR. BILL?
MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?

MR. BILL... UH, MR. BILL?
MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?
[SPOT BARKS]

MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?
[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Hands: OH, REALLY, SPOT?

[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Hands: OH, REALLY, SPOT?
HMM, OH, SAY, SPOT, UH..

Mr. Hands: OH, REALLY, SPOT?
HMM, OH, SAY, SPOT, UH..
BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I LIKE THE

HMM, OH, SAY, SPOT, UH..
BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I LIKE THE
SET THE WAY IT USED TO BE.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I LIKE THE
SET THE WAY IT USED TO BE.
AH, MUCH BETTER.

SET THE WAY IT USED TO BE.
AH, MUCH BETTER.
SEE YOU NET TIME, BYE-BYE!

AH, MUCH BETTER.
SEE YOU NET TIME, BYE-BYE!
[APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
[CHUCKLES] WHAT'S THAT DANGED

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
[CHUCKLES] WHAT'S THAT DANGED
THING DOING HERE!

[CHUCKLES] WHAT'S THAT DANGED
THING DOING HERE!
HOW DID THAT GET HERE?

THING DOING HERE!
HOW DID THAT GET HERE?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

HOW DID THAT GET HERE?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
HOW'D THAT DANG DEAL GET HERE?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
HOW'D THAT DANG DEAL GET HERE?
HEY, COME OVER HERE AND LOOK

HOW'D THAT DANG DEAL GET HERE?
HEY, COME OVER HERE AND LOOK
AT THIS DEAL!

HEY, COME OVER HERE AND LOOK
AT THIS DEAL!
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

AT THIS DEAL!
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE HELL THAT IS!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE HELL THAT IS!
WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?

THE HELL THAT IS!
WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?
HEY, YOU KIDS!

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?
HEY, YOU KIDS!
GET AWAY FROM THERE!

HEY, YOU KIDS!
GET AWAY FROM THERE!
I WOULD NOT MESS

GET AWAY FROM THERE!
I WOULD NOT MESS
WITH THAT THING.

I WOULD NOT MESS
WITH THAT THING.
DON'T PUT YOUR LIPS ON IT!

WITH THAT THING.
DON'T PUT YOUR LIPS ON IT!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

DON'T PUT YOUR LIPS ON IT!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
WELL, GET A PHOTO OF ME

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
WELL, GET A PHOTO OF ME
WITH IT, ANYWAY!

WELL, GET A PHOTO OF ME
WITH IT, ANYWAY!
BE CAREFUL WITH THAT THING.

OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS!
WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?
[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT IT IS.

[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT IT IS.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT IT IS.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE HELL THAT THING IS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE HELL THAT THING IS.
OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS!

THE HELL THAT THING IS.
OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS!
OH, YEAH... YEAH.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
[APPLAUSE]

WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
I'D LIKE TO THANK THE
MUSICAL GUEST BLONDIE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE
MUSICAL GUEST BLONDIE.
BILL MURRAY, LARAINE NEWMAN,

MUSICAL GUEST BLONDIE.
BILL MURRAY, LARAINE NEWMAN,
GILDA RADNER, EVERYBODY...

BILL MURRAY, LARAINE NEWMAN,
GILDA RADNER, EVERYBODY...
GARRETT MORRIS.

GILDA RADNER, EVERYBODY...
GARRETT MORRIS.
TAKE A BOW, EVERYBODY!

GARRETT MORRIS.
TAKE A BOW, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

TAKE A BOW, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
[♪...]

[♪...]