Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 41, Episode 13 - Melissa McCarthy/Kanye West - full transcript
Melissa McCarthy hosts alongside musical guest Kanye West. Sketches include Hillary Clinton Cold Open, Melissa McCarthy Five-Timers Monologue, The Day Beyoncé Turned Black, Test Screening, ...
Oh my God,
have you guys been watching
- the primaries?
- Yes.
Hillary got her butt kicked in
New Hampshire.
We're all still voting for
her, right?
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
- Sure.
- Cool, cool, cool, me too.
Except I think I'm voting for
Bernie.
What!?
But yeah, me too.
You are?
But so are we.
I mean Hillary is
the most qualified
candidate in history, but
at the same time, eh?
Yeah, Hillary has every single
thing I want in a president, but...
She's no Bernie.
♪♪
♪ Turn down the lights turn down
the bed ♪
♪ Turn down these voices inside
my head ♪
♪ lay down with me tell me no
lies ♪
♪ Just hold me close don't
patronize ♪
I mean, I like Hillary's
foreign policy experience, but I
love Bernie's whole vibe.
I'm obsessed with his vibe.
♪ 'Cause I can't make you love
me if you don't ♪
Bernie is the best.
♪ You can't make your heart feel
something it won't ♪
Bernie is change.
♪ Here in the dark in these
final hours I will lay down my
heart and I'll feel the power
but you won't ♪
I like when Bernie yells.
♪ No you wont
but I don't like when Hillary
does.
♪ 'Cause I can't make you love
me if you don't ♪
Did anyone else just get so
cold for a minute?
I felt cold, but safe.
Hey you guys I'm sorry I'm late.
We were just talking about whether
or not to vote for Hillary.
I definitely am because
Gloria steinem and Madeleine
albright basically said it's my feminist
duty.
Well actually that's not right.
True feminism is looking at both
candidates equally, regardless
of gender.
Well, if I really do that, I
pick Bernie.
Me too,
Hillary's just too establishment.
Yeah and Bernie's an outsider
who's only been in congress for
like 30 years.
Bernie's the best.
♪ I can't make you love me if
you don't ♪
♪ You can't make your heart feel
something it won't ♪
Like her for my sake.
♪ Here in the dark in these
final hours I will lay down my
heart and I'll feel the power ♪
Oh, boy.
♪ But you won't --
- Guess what?
♪ No you won't ♪
I'm not even playing this thing.
♪ I can't make you love me if
you don't ♪
You guys I will
say one thing about
Hillary, she's way better than
those republican nominees.
That's true.
Except I do like jeb bush.
You do?
No, I'm kidding, who likes
jeb bush.
♪ 'Cause I can't make you love
me if you don't ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't make your heart
feel something it won't ♪
♪ Deep in the dark --
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry, are you jeb bush?
Wait, you can see me?
Yes, you just stood up out of
that table.
How long were you waiting down
there for?
But I was just...
I was doing what Hillary did.
You know, with the other ones
because she and I are both big losers.
No, you two aren't the same.
Hillary may have lost new
Hampshire, but she's still
polling way ahead in the South.
Yeah, I have a ton of friends
there, and they all love her.
♪♪
That's right my babies.
Hillary's going nowhere!
♪ I'll see you in the South ♪
♪ And live from New York it's
Saturday night ♪
♪♪
It's "Saturday night live."
♪♪
With --
Vanessa bayer.
Beck Bennett.
Aidy Bryant.
Colin jost.
Taran killam.
Kate McKinnon.
Kyle mooney.
Bobby moynihan.
Jay pharoah.
Cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson.
Sasheer zamada.
Featuring --
Michael che.
Pete Davidson.
Leslie Jones.
John rudnitsky.
Musical guest, kanye west.
And your host,
Melissa McCarthy.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Melissa McCarthy.
♪♪
Hello.
Hi.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Oh, my goodness.
This is so exciting.
It's Valentine's day show.
And I have a little something
unusual for you I want
everybody right now to look
under their chair.
Go ahead, look under your chair.
Any of you -- anyone finds a
glove, there's one glove from
this week, it's like a caramelly
color, it's an isotoner, it's a
goody.
And if you find it, give me a
holler.
It's missing its sister.
I've been having the most
amazing week here.
My whole family's here, I just
finished a new movie called "the
boss" I wrote with my husband.
We had a blast doing it.
I tell you what, honestly, all I
can think about is the fact that
I'm hosting snl for the fifth
time tonight.
Which means that I'm officially
a member of the five timers club.
Before they come out here and
make a fuss and give me my five
timers jacket.
I just want to say, one little
thing.
Hit it.
♪ Never in my wildest dreams did
I ever expect to host the show
five times ♪
♪ Five whole times ♪
They say five times a charm
♪ I got it tattooed on my arm
five five five ♪
♪ Host five times ♪
♪ She was born born born a to host
five times ♪
Born a to host five times ♪
Yes she was born ♪
Just ask lorne ♪
Even more
♪ I've hosted now five times ♪
♪♪
♪ Five timers club is mine ♪
♪ Five five five five five
five ♪
♪ Five five five five five ♪
♪ Five five five five ♪
Melissa. Melissa. Stop it!
♪ Five five five five ♪
- Can we stop!
- What?
- Melissa.
- What?
You've only hosted four times.
No, five.
♪ Five five five five ♪
Can you put her down please.
- No, what?
- It's only four.
I googled when I was
backstage sweating in this foam
five costume that you made me
wear.
Wait a minute, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not right.
The first was 2011, 2013, 2014,
tonight and last year was the
40th anniversary special.
That's five, keenan.
No, no, no, the 40th doesn't
count, baby girl.
That counts for like 1/16
hosting.
That's like 4 1/16.
So am I not getting the five
timers jacket?
No.
But look, you get this.
- Oh.
- That's cool.
Yeah, it is cool.
Why is it on a banana?
Well, just to show scale.
And there's more.
Here, look at these.
Okay, these are even bigger
than the five.
And the banana.
I mean, they're bigger.
You think about it, it's
actually now like my own club.
I'm a 4 1/16er.
Yeah, now sing the song.
Tonight will still be fun
because I'm hosting for the
4 & 1/16 time.
That's even better.
Never felt quite so alive
tonight is not really thrive, it's
4 & 1/16
♪ she's hosting for 4, 4,
4 & 1/16 times.
We have a great show!
Kanye west is here.
Stick around, we'll be right
back.
To white people, it was just
another great week.
They never saw it coming.
They had no warning.
Then the day before the super
bowl, it happened.
Beyonce released a new video,
that embraces her black heritage.
Beyonce is unapologetically black.
Tribute to the black
lives matter movement.
Showcase for black messages.
Her blackness like never before.
Honey get in here.
What is it?
- What's wrong?
- Out of nowhere.
I think Beyonce.
Is black?
The day Beyonce turned black.
Guys, I don't understand this
new song.
Hot sauce in my bag swag?
What does that mean?
Maybe the song isn't for us.
But usually everything is.
It was the day that choked the whole
white world.
We have to go.
We have to leave America.
Beyonce is black.
Amy, I'm black.
What?
No you're not.
You're like my girl.
Yeah, but I can still be black.
There's black people all over
the world.
That guy's black.
I know he's black.
Beyonce is black?
What about single ladies?
She was black in that.
- What about (Unintelligible).
- She was black in that too.
What about the pink panther movie?
Yeah, okay, she was white in that.
Right?
It was the day white people
lost their Beyonce.
Getting word now that Beyonce
isn't the only black celebrity.
Some are saying kerry Washington
may also be black.
No, it can't be.
She's on abc.
I don't understand how can
they be black?
They're women.
I think they might be both.
Both!?
No!
- What's going on out there?
- New Beyonce video.
Oh!
It was the day they lost their damn
white minds.
Ashley?
Honey, what are you listening to?
The new Beyonce song.
I really like it.
Oh, God, you're black too.
Carry, that is my daughter.
Your daughters over on the bed.
Remember, you invited us for a
play date?
Oh, that's right, thank God.
Thank God?
Really?
The day Beyonce turned black,
rated NC-17 for white people and
G for black people.
- Mommy, is Taylor swift still white?
- I don't know.
Just close your eyes, it will be
over in the morning.
Okay.
Hi there folks.
Again, we appreciate you all
attending our test screening
this evening.
We reviewed your comment cards
and the cul-de-sac was one of
our highest scoring horror
movies in four years.
I loved it man.
You all are twisted and I like
that.
That is great to hear.
Show of hands, how many of
you experienced a jump scare
during the film?
Where you physically jumped in
your seat?
One or two jump scares in
there for me.
Spilled a little bit of soda.
I think you got
a hit on your hands.
Let's hope so.
As you know, we were taping
the audience during the
screening for are
television and web ads
and you guys gave us
some great reactions we'd like
to use.
We wanted to show you some
before you signed the releases.
♪♪
Had a little jump there,
huh Diane?
It's so embarrassing.
This was taken during the
first murder scene.
Dotty, you were pretty scared
there?
I think that clip might have
been Diane.
No, it was you.
Well, it's kind of hard to
tell with night vision.
Here's you guys watching the
monsters in the trees sequence.
They're in the trees!
By the way, that young woman
who was punched is shaken but
she's otherwise fine.
Well, for the record, I
barely touched her, and I think
she's a little bit of a drama
queen.
You gave us some real great
stuff during that final chase
scene.
Holy [Bleep].
Oh, my God.
My shirt.
Run!
Run!
I'm pissing myself!
Man this bitch is pissing herself!
They're in our dreams!
I'm gonna tell everyone!
If you're all okay with
these, we have some releases for
you.
Boy, I'd love to be on TV,
I'm not sure if it's worth
losing my dignity over.
You'll get $250.
Oh, yeah, deal.
Okay.
And let them eat snacks.
Mom, you rock.
I've never leaving this coach.
Linda Hamilton looks very young.
- What is this?
- It's the very first
Terminator from '84.
It's a classic.
We haven't had movie night in
forever, this is nice.
Oh, no, there's a sex scene
in Terminator?
I don't remember this.
Now I have to watch sex with my
parents?
This is so awkward.
I need to ease the tension in
here, I have to say something
that will lighten things up
right now.
When is the last time you
guys did that?
Oh, my God, that was the worst
possible thing I could have said.
Everyone's pretending it didn't
even happen.
I need to say something else.
Wow!
She's getting railed.
Why would I say that?
I should say something sweet now.
I love you guys so much.
Okay, kid.
That's very sweet of you.
Boy, I wish my hand wasn't
still rubbing tommys thigh
during an intercourse scene.
I'd hate to remove my hand too
suddenly and have it effect
tommys sexual confidence.
Oh you know what I got it.
Yep, nice one Patty.
Oh boy,
I hate to break the tension
with a witty comment about what
we're watching.
Think Jim.
You know, she has very dark
nipples for a white girl.
Nailed it.
I have to take a quick
time-out from this or I will
literally die.
I'm going to grab a snack
real quick.
- You want us to pause it?
- Uh, yeah.
No, why would you tell them to
pause it.
Boy, it is a dark nipple.
That's a weird word.
Nipple.
Nipple.
Nipple.
♪ We are farmers bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum ♪
I can't get that thing out of my
head.
♪ We are farmers bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum ♪
Genius.
Oh, my God, I was so in my
head about the pause thing, I
opened the pantry and opened a
box of dry rigatoni pasta.
And now I'm eating it.
This hurts.
Really bad.
I wish these two actors would
have discussed wearing a condom
before they started making love.
I hope Tommy doesn't think
that's okay.
I should say something, just
something casual, cool.
Something pro-safe sex.
Boy, rubbers are rad, huh?
I wish I hadn't started rubbing
his thigh again when I brought
up the rubbers.
Oh Patty.
That was weird.
Poor kid, probably dying inside.
I'm gonna help him out.
You know, there's a sex scene
in wild things that's way worse
than this, it's a crazy three-way.
A topless Denise
Richards in her prime.
The scene starts at
38 minutes and 10 seconds, you
should check it out.
Oh, boy, they're going to know I
have a Mr. skin account.
Okay I can't take it anymore.
I have to make a witty
statement so we can forget how
uncomfortable this has been.
This guy's lasting so long.
You know, I bet he's thinking of
baseball or his parents, so he
lasts.
Not that I would think of you
guys during sex.
That's gross.
You're not gross.
You guys were hot back in the day.
Like if I was in back to the
future and I time traveled to
when you were in high school, I would
totally hook up with you, mom.
Ewww, what am I saying?
I hate the Terminator.
I'm a virgin by the way.
Okay, see ya guys.
- She really is getting railed.
- Yeah, she's taking it like a champ.
ladies and gentlemen, kanye west.
Do you want me to give you a
testimony about my life, and how
good he's been to me?
I don't know what to tell you
about him.
I love him so much with all my
heart and my soul.
With every bone in my body I
love him so much, because he's
done so much for me.
No matter what you've been
through or where you've been,
he's always there with his arms
open wide, accepting me for who
I am.
And I love him so much.
I couldn't do it without him, I
wouldn't want to.
I'm crying now.
Feels so good to be free.
To be accepted for who you are,
and loved no matter what.
Oh lord, thank you.
You are the joy of my life.
♪♪
♪ High lights
tell everybody I'm back in town
high lights ♪
♪ Tell everybody
I'm back in town
high lights ♪
♪ Tell my baby I'm back
in town high lights ♪
♪ We only makin'
the highlights
tell my mama tell my mama ♪
♪ That I only want
my whole life to
only be highlights ♪
♪ We only makin'
the highlights ♪
♪ Tell my mama tell my mama
that I only want my whole life
to only be highlights ♪
♪ Can we play that back one
time and after that night ♪
♪ I'm gon' wanna play -- back
oh no ♪
♪ Sometimes I'm wishin'
that my -- had gopro
so I could play that
back in slo-mo ♪
♪ Just shot a shot
an amateur video
I think I should go pro ♪
♪ We only makin'
the highlights
we only makin'
the highlights ♪
♪ One life
high lights
lmn' the life 'til I die ♪
♪ I bet me and ray j
would be friends if we ain't love
the same chick ♪
♪ Yeah he might have
hit it first
only problem is I'm rich ♪
♪ Uh 21 grammys
superstar family
we the new Jackson's
and mama 'bout that action ♪
♪ I'm about that farrakhan
life is a marathon
I'ma shift the paradigm
I'm turn a baby down ♪
♪ I'ma bust a coach's head
open on some diddy --
if he ever talk to my son
like an idiot ♪
♪ One time for a
really gettin' it
two times cause we got
the whole city lit ♪
Impregnate bridget
soon as she have a baby
she gon' make another nigga ♪
♪ Got the food in islam
and the trenches hah
even though they know yeezus
is a Christian hah ♪
♪ She spent her whole check
on some christians
and that girl ain't
even religious ♪
♪ Walkin' lmn' breathin'
girl you know my past well
hard to believe in God
your nigga get killed ♪
Blac chyna trying -- rob
help him with the weight
I wish my trainer would
tell me what I overate
so when I'm on vacay
I need to kick back
♪ want a boss or an R&B
nigga with a six pack ♪
♪ I need every bad
chick up in equinox
I need to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I need to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I want to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I want to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ Oh lord, oh lord ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I want to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I want to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ Oh lord, oh lord ♪
New York City!
Eight times!
The most of all time!
♪♪
It's "weekend update" with
Colin jost and Michael che.
What's up, everybody.
Welcome to "Weekend Update"
I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin Jost.
And here are tonight's top stories.
The gop debate just ended.
In South Carolina
and Donald trump was repeatably booed.
Throughout the evening.
Here's a quick clip.
Of trump responding to jeb bush.
Jeb is so wrong.
He's absolutely --
The crazy thing is, all jeb
said was, it's great to be here
in South Carolina.
Don't you guys know you can't
boo Donald trump.
He doesn't hear boos.
If you boo Donald trump
in his head, it's just this.
Jeb is so wrong.
Jeb is absolutely so --
At the Democratic debate,
Hillary Clinton and Bernie
Sanders made concerted efforts
to appeal to African-American
voters.
One a lot more than the other.
At the end of that debate, Hillary
pulled hot sauce out of her bag.
This week, Bernie Sanders met
with the reverend Al sharpton at
Sylvia's restaurant in Harlem,
and let's just say they did not
tip well.
During the Democratic debate,
Hillary Clinton attacked
Bernie Sanders saying he needs
to be honest with voters about
the difficulty of accomplishing
his proposals, while Clinton's
critics say she has to be honest
with voters about --
♪♪
All that stuff.
And then there's --♪♪
Oh, wow, there's more.
Okay.
She's got to be honest about
that stuff.
Donald trump promised this
week he will stop using
profanity and other vulgar
language on the campaign trail.
Saying as we get closer, you'll
be shocked how presidential I'll
be.
Adding you'll love it so much
you'll cream your jeans.
This week Beyonce faced
outrage for her super bowl
performance.
No, she didn't.
When did outrage go from
pitchforks and torches to
strongly worded tweets.
Even if you were outraged, what
are you going to do, stop
listening to Beyonce?
Impossible.
She's too good, she's like the
Beyonce of music.
And the better you are at
something, the more you can get
away with.
You know, not long ago, there
was an actual petition to kick
Justin bieber out of the country
just for being a horrible person.
Then we heard that song sorry
and said, oh, man you can stay.
People got bad when kanye
tweeted Billy cosby is innocent
this week.
But my first thought was damn,
kanye's new album must be
dope.
And it is.
When you're that dope you
can whatever you want.
My grandmother is the most
prejudice person we know and we
all ignore it.
- Why?
- Because she's the Beyonce of
sweet potato pie.
This month nbc will
air a special that features
a reunion of the cast of
friends, here to comment is
Rachel from friends.
This is incredible.
It's so great to see you, Rachel.
Oh, Colin, hi, hi.
Oh, hi, hi.
Oh, wow yeah.
You know, I don't think I've
seen you since the '90s.
- How have you been?
- Oh, what?
Yeah, yeah, I've been -- I've
been good.
I've been good.
Yeah.
Good.
So are you excited to see all
your friends again?
Oh, yeah, Joey, Chandler,
phoebs, mon, and of coarse Ross.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's all of them.
You know, I'm seeing them tonight.
Phoebs is playing a show at
central perk and then we're all
jumping in a fountain with
umbrellas.
You should come.
I'll see you there.
♪♪
Okay, yeah.
Okay, bye.
I'm sorry, what just
happened?
Oh, yeah, you know, that happens
to me every few minutes.
Yeah, yeah, it's weird.
I don't know, it's weird.
Speaking of which.
Hey, what's that?
What's what?
That?
Well, that's Michael che.
She's on "friends" she's
never seen a black person, Colin.
Oh, yeah, hey, why don't you
both come over tonight.
Phoebs is going to bring her new
boyfriend.
And he's not going to fit in.
- I'll see you there.
- Yeah.
♪♪
Oh, shhhh.
Wait, now you have a baby?
Oh, yeah, sometimes, yeah.
Take him.
Rachel, is it me or do you
always sound surprised by
everything?
What?
Oh, yeah, no.
Okay.
Okay?
What?
Yeah?
Huh?
Rachel from "friends."
♪♪
Okay.
At a rally in Baton Rouge
this week, Donald trump signed
the hand of a toddler, the
message read sweetly and simply,
deport me.
Just yesterday Ted Cruz
pulled a new campaign ad after
it was revealed that a woman
featured in the ad was a former
soft core porn actress, once you
know she's a porn actress, the
guys entrance at the end of the
ad is a lot more fun.
Here it is.
Maybe you should vote for more
than just a pretty face next time.
You guys have room for one more?
I'm beginning to think that
started as a porno and they
ended up talking about Ted Cruz.
Listen to it again, with the
music turned up.
Maybe you should vote for more
than just a pretty face next time.
You guys have room for one more?
I'm Ted Cruz and I approve
this porno.
Seamless voiceover.
U.S. officials say the
satellite north Korea launched
into orbit is tumbling and
incapable of functioning.
Earning it the nickname, Marco
rubio.
Anheuser-busch is saying
that Peyton Manning was not paid
to say he was going to drink a
lot of budweiser after the super bowl.
I guess it was a coincidence he
left the field on a wagon drawn
by clydesdales screaming,
whassup.
On Thursday scientists announced
the detection of
gravitational waves whose
existence was first proposed by
Albert Einstein in 1916, it's a
pretty complicated idea.
Here to explain it to us is
Denver broncos linebacker and
super bowl mvp, Von Miller.
Von, you studied science in
college?
Yeah, I guess you could say I
did.
Alright now explain this to us
the gravitational waves were
discovered when two black holes
collided with each other?
Yes.
Let me put it like this.
Two huge forces slamming
together like me and cam Newton.
You're just talking about
football, man?
No, I'm talking about science.
These forces collide and make
gravity waves like when I
collided with cam Newton,
forcing the fumble.
Sounds like you're bragging,
are you sure you're not bragging
about this?
I told you, this is science, man.
These waves are everywhere in
the universe.
Just like I'm everywhere
when cam Newton's around.
Von, you already won, man.
Look this is a huge discovery
no one ever thought it would happen.
Kind of like on one ever thought
that we would keep
the number one offense.
But hey it happened and it's amazing.
Discovery proves that Einstein's
theory, me equals mvp.
You got that right, Von
Miller, everybody.
Every chipotle in the
country this week shut down for
four hours to hold a company
wide staff meeting about food
safety.
Meanwhile, panda express shut
down for two hours to hold
underground rat fights.
So much money on rat fights.
A new survey lists the most
romantic city in the country as
Alexandria, Virginia.
The least romantic is flu farts,
Ohio.
The renowned doctor who
discovered cte in football players
says he's absolutely certain that
O.J. Simpson suffers from the
condition.
He believes o.J.
Developed cte due to repeated
injuries he suffered while
committing double murder.
But do you get it?
Valentine's day has
officially started right now,
and here to comment is our own
Leslie Jones.
- Happy Valentine's day.
- Are you having a good
Valentine's day?
I am now, you sexy dollop of
miracle whip.
I just want to spread you on my
sammich.
I'm happy being single on
Valentine's day, because I know the
perfect man is out there for me.
Okay well they say
there's someone for everyone.
Do you know what you're
looking for?
Absolutely, you want a list?
Yes, I do.
Dim the lights.
Give me something smooth,
Manuel.
I'm sorry, who is Manuel?
He's my piano player.
Hola.
Take it away, Manuel.
My perfect man is happy, kind, good
kisser, but not too wet.
Don't slobber on me.
Good breath.
Treats me with respect.
Tight ass.
Considerate.
I'm talking about an ass
so tight that it can crack
walnuts.
I love walnuts.
Good hair, nice skin.
Smells like an Israeli.
Have you ever smelled an
Israeli?
Definitely not, no.
Generous, punctual, good
sized penis.
One that is circumcised and
functioning all the time.
Big smile, which shouldn't be a
problem if your penis is
functioning all the time.
I want a man who's confident,
likes flowers, but don't send me
any flowers.
Because I don't like flowers
flowers is death.
You know how a body decomposes
and then starts to stink.
That's what you're sending me
when you send me flowers.
Because you already cut them up
and you're sending them to me
because they're dead and they
stink of death.
Death fumes.
I got a bag full of rotten
garbage dead flowers.
A bag full of death.
- Are you okay, Leslie?
- I'm fine.
Patience.
Hates avocados.
I need a man that talks dirty to
me, but not so dirty where I got
to give him this look.
I want a man that's loyal.
Funny, but not funnier than me.
And so far, that has not been a
problem.
Smokes weed.
Mom loves me, but not enough
where she wants to hang out with
me, unless she smokes weed.
I want a man who can grill a
steak without having to cut into
it and check if it's cooked like
a little bitch.
How many steaks have you seen
me cut?
Completely despises avocados.
You already mentioned the
avocados.
Clearly that is important to
me, Jost.
I have to say, Leslie, this
is quite a list of demands.
Yeah, because these are the
qualities that I admire about myself.
Except for the part about the
good sized penis.
Make no mistake, if I had a penis.
It would be huge.
Leslie Jones, everybody.
For weekend update, I'm Colin Jost.
I'm Michael che, goodnight.
Ladies, now, it's time for
your final test.
You're going to use each of the
pickup techniques you learned in
my class, the art of the pickup
for the first time in a real
world situation.
Veronica, you're up.
Now, remember, zero in on the
guy you like, compliment his
friend to make him jealous and
neg him, say something negative
get him off his game.
Hey I like your haircut.
- Thanks.
- I don't know about your
friend's shirt, gray is not your
color.
- What?
- I'm interested.
What is my color.
Perfect.
Say something negative, pique
his interest.
Rhonda, why don't you give it
a try?
I'm ready.
I like your hair.
Thank you.
I think you're a piece of
crap I will bash your brains in.
Whoa, what?
How was that?
That was very bad, Rhonda.
Way too negative.
Let's try one of our pickup lines.
Joe, you're up.
Remember to initiate physical
contact.
Is that a mirror in your pants,
because I can see myself in them.
Cool, so aggressive.
That was perfect, guys.
Rhonda, give it another shot?
All right.
I like your outfit.
Thank you.
I'd like it better crumpled
up on my bedroom floor?
- Nice.
- Just don't let it touch my
Uncle Jesse's trundle bed, I
think he's a serial killer.
He pretty much told me so.
What are you doing?
What is this?
Are you hitting us?
No.
But I'd like to hit your face
with a wrench.
Rhonda!
Duty calls.
I think I'm getting it.
What did Rhonda do wrong?
- She said her Uncle's a serial killer?
- Yes.
And she made that tiny fart
noise with her mouth.
I'd just like to point out
now whenever he smells a
fart, he's going to think of me,
dummy.
Janis, why don't you give it
a shot?
Do you know what would look
good on you?
- What?
- Me.
Damn, can I buy you a drink?
Let me try.
Do you know what would look
good on you?
Let me guess, you?
No, not me, my Uncle Joe.
He's huge and he has a cool
haircut.
Oh, my God.
Stop that!
Oh, my God.
The world would be better if I choked you
out and hit you in the head with a rock.
What the hell.
I initiated physical contact.
Rhonda, you choked him, put
your fingers in his mouth.
Then in your mouth.
Yeah, but then I let him go,
and I showed mercy.
So you're the dumb one.
Fine, won't you show us
what you learned.
Remember to try to set future
plans.
Me and my friends have a bet.
How much do you think the ball
in time's square weighs, maybe
we should go out on new year's
and ask.
I've never been to New York
except for one serious surgery.
Me and my friends have a bet.
I hear prison executions, the
victim poops himself on a slab.
Maybe we should go to together
to see if if he poops on the slab.
If he does indeed poop on the
slab I'll give you $10,000.
If he doesn't you'll kiss me on
the mouth.
But I don't have the money
so I hope he poops.
Get off me.
Stop that, stop that.
Don't do that.
Uh-oh.
My Uncle Joe's here.
Somebody touched my trundle
bed.
Yes, I'm nervous.
Of course I'm nervous.
But it's like, this is the thing
I've wanted my whole life.
Man, I wear mc's like a sandal
blow them out be gone.
The flame from the candle.
When I'm rhyming, rapping,
that's me.
I mean, this is what I've been
working for.
It's what I've been building
toward.
And if I don't try now, when
will I try?
This week is exciting, though.
With kanye on, and I'm a big fan.
This week I think I want to
freestyle battle.
- That's gutsy.
- That is gutsy.
I think a lot of people are
wondering, why are you focusing
on this?
My goal here is for people to
look at me and go, wait a second.
That's hip-hop.
Hip-hop culture has always been
so important to me.
I even taught myself how to
breakdance.
I was good, lining really really
really really really really
really good.
Here I am, a kid moonwalking.
I'm doing music videos,
thinking, this is what I'm going
to do for the rest of my life.
It's all finally happening.
And then this is where it's not
easy.
Then I get hired by "Saturday
night live."
I have no idea what I'm doing
out there.
I'm lost, I'm scared.
I feel like everybody's
thinking, wait, he's not a rapper.
It's like when people see me,
they see, oh, he's this white
nerdy guy, sort of a heart throb
on the rise maybe.
But that doesn't matter.
The real reason I'm here is to
become the greatest rapper alive.
And I think I can do that by
being kanye west in a battle.
A freestyle battle.
Kanye west.
Man?
That stinks, grab a mint.
What is that, your kanye breath?
Whoa!
That's actually dope.
Here we go.
Kanye, I'm going to battle you.
Kanye west.
Kanye west.
You need a mint for your kanye
breath.
When I'm done with you, there's
going to be no kanyes left.
Are you going to say anything?
No, I guess not.
Because it seems like I'm the
verbal catcher's mit, you've
been caught.
Like a teacher with a lesson.
I miss the old kanye, chop up
the soul kanye.
Straight from the go kanye.
I'll with the flow kanye.
I hate the new kanye.
The always rude kanye.
The bad move kanye.
Spreading the news kanye.
I miss the old kanye.
Kicking the flows kanye.
Where are the thoughts at ye.
I miss the old kanye.
You know we love kanye.
You used to love kanye.
You had the pink ball.
We thought you was kanye.
We used to love kanye.
That's all it was kanye.
Well guess what
I love you like kanye loves kanye.
Well, that was the biggest
mistake of my life.
I just destroyed kanye in a rap
battle and now he's probably
really sad.
Well, at least my career's on
fire.
Yes!
Doing things.
Okay, this is Franklin
station, transfer here for the
m-26 to Greenville.
- Hello.
- Hello, ma'am.
Would you like to sit down miss?
Yes, thanks.
You got it.
So nice.
That's got to feel good?
Yes, it does.
Chivalry isn't dead, right?
I kind of meant the other thing.
- What other thing?
- White man gives up his seat
in the front of the bus.
I have to say, we've come a long
way, baby.
Okay.
You know, they're showing
roots on television for
February, you know, and I have
just been glued to that sucker
so good.
Prime Ben vereen, prime O.J.
Simpson.
It's a can't miscast really.
What character I love is kanye
Kinney.
Kunta kinte.
I don't speak it,
but I enjoy the work.
You sure you don't want to
sit back down?
No, I'm good.
I have to be honest, I don't
love a lot of black movies.
Like the one where she poops?
The pie and -- where was that?
She was a maid, she pooped in a
pie and made a lady eat it.
Is that called poop pie?
No, it's called "the help."
It's a little racy for me,
but roots I do enjoy.
I told my husband Ron, if this
is roots, which one is
questlove.
He did not get that one.
That o.J. Is -- was handsome.
That's a waste, huh?
Hey, man, I'm just going to
get out here.
- This is a highway, ma'am.
- That's fine.
You know, there's another
one, I didn't love is also got
slaves in it, it's not roots.
I think it's -- is it eight
- years I got a slave?
- No.
- Eight years I got a slave.
- It's 12 years a slave.
Oh, was it 12 years, I didn't
see the whole thing.
Hey, man, you can open up the
door and I can tuck and roll out.
You don't even have to stop.
Look at that, we're like a
benetton ad, huh?
If I had to choose, I do prefer
white movies.
There's so many great ones, the
godfather, the gremlins, star
wars.
Oh, boy.
But I did enjoy roots just as
much as any white movie.
You know what I was telling Ron.
I said, how about somebody make
roots with an all white cast.
You can't go wrong with that.
Hey, hey man does this window
open.
I could slide right out of this
window.
One second.
Wait, hold on.
Yeah, why?
A bomb?
Now?
Okay hold on.
I just got word if I go below 50
Miles per hour, this bus will
explode.
What?
I don't waned to die with you.
I don't want to die without
seeing the end of roots?
I mean, do they ever get free?
Don't worry, ma'am, I have a
full tank of gas in this baby,
so we can ride all night.
I just have to make one quick
stop.
No!
Once again, kanye west!
♪♪
♪♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith
on an ultra light beam ♪
♪ We on an ultra light beam
this is a God dream
this is a God dream ♪
♪ This is everything
this is everything
deliver us serenity ♪
♪ Deliver us peace
deliver us loving
we know we need
you know we need it ♪
♪ You know we need it
and I'mma need you now
oh I pray for Paris ♪
♪ Pray for the parents
this is a God dream
this is a God dream
this is a God dream ♪
♪ We on an ultra light beam
we on an ultra light beam
this is a God dream
this is God dream ♪
♪ This is everything
this is everything ♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith
but I'm looking for more
somewhere I can feel safe
and end my holy war ♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith
so why send depression
not blessings ♪
♪ Why oh why'd
you do me wrong
you persecute the weak ♪
♪ Because it makes you
feel so strong don't have
much strength to fight ♪
♪ So I look to the light
to make these wrongs
turn right ♪
♪ Head up high
I look to the light
hey 'cause I know that ♪
♪ You'll make
everything alright
and I know that you'll ♪
♪ Take good care
of your child ♪
♪ Oh no longer
afraid of the night
cause I
I look to the light ♪
♪ When they come for you
I will shield your name
I will field their questions
I will feel your pain ♪
♪ No one can judge
they don't know
they don't know ♪
♪ Foot on the devil's neck
'til they drifted pangaea
I'm moving all my family
from chatham to Zambia ♪
♪ Treat the demons
just like Pam
I mean damn Gina ♪
♪ I been this way
since Arthur was anteater
now they wanna hit me
with the woo-wap the bam ♪
♪ Tryna send photos
of familia my daughter
look just like sia
you can't see her ♪
♪ You can feel the lyrics
and spirit coming in braille
tubman of the underground
come and follow the trail ♪
♪ I made Sunday candy
I'm never going to hell
I met kanye west
I'm never going to fail ♪
♪ You said let's do
a good ass job
with chance three ♪
♪ I hear you gotta
sell it to snatch the grammy
let's make it so free
and the bar so hard ♪
♪ That it ain't one gosh
darn part you can't tweet ♪
♪ This is my part
nobody else speak
this is my part
nobody else speak ♪
♪ This little light of mine
glory be to God yeah
I'mma make sure that they
go where they can't go ♪
♪ If they don't wanna ride I'mma
still throw them raincoats ♪
♪ Know what God said when
he made the first rainbow ♪
♪ Just throw this
at the end if I'm
late for the intro ♪
♪ I'm just having fun
with it
you know that a was lost
I laugh in my head ♪
♪ Cause I bet that
my ex looking back
like a pillar of salt ♪
♪ You cannot mess
with the light
look at lil chano from 79 ♪
This is a ultra light beam ♪
This is a God dream
this is a God dream ♪
♪ This is everything
everything ♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith
but I'm looking for more
somewhere I can feel safe
and end my holy war ♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith ♪
Father, this prayer is for
everybody that feels like gmng up.
This prayer's for everybody that
feels like they're not good
enough.
For everyone that says that you
said, "I'm sorry," too many
times.
Jesus, I'm glad you came to give
us eternal life.
I'm so glad about it.
That's what we're looking for.
♪ Faith ♪
We was looking for -- ♪
♪ More ♪
- Keep my brother --
♪ safe ♪
While we fighting this --
♪ war ♪
♪♪
Cats.
A cat is a ticket to fun.
A cat is a dream come true with
fur.
A cat is an animal in your
house that you're okay with.
Cats are your best shot at
having a cat.
So come on down for our
Valentine's day cat giveaway,
here at whiskers r' we.
Hi, I'm Barbara dedrew.
And I'm Tabitha, but I
changed it to tabbytha because
of cats.
You're fricking nuts.
Many of these rescue cats
come from owners who didn't
value their specialness.
Let's take a look at today's
Fe-lineup.
Shall we.
This is Riley.
She's a millennial, she uses the
Twitter box.
But I think she's a troll,
because she fills it with crap.
I said it, I don't get it.
You're a corn ball.
No I'm a horn ball.
Cool it, we're on camera.
Don't adjust your set.
Toby is a hairless cat.
But he wasn't born that way.
I covered him with nair and
ripped out all his hair.
And now he's got a bone to pick
with me.
He'll thank you come swimsuit
season.
Oh, look who we have here,
this is William.
You should know, William hasn't
been neutered yet, so he still
wears condoms.
He always leaves the little
rappers everywhere, like we get
it, dude.
How wonderful.
This is sprinkles.
Sprinkles has a sad history.
He was involved in medical
experimentation.
He would put lipstick in
rabbits eyes until they
screamed.
Little jerkass.
He's still nice to pet, though.
Tabitha.
I put the cat down already, I
think you know that.
I cat help it.
Please, we both know you're
just doing this to piss off your
senator father.
We call this cat o.J. Because
he's orange like the juice and a
murderer like the athlete.
I find him guilty of being
adorable.
And again, murder.
And this is whiskers.
I don't know if you can tell,
but whiskers is a dog in a cat
costume.
We think it's kind of a Mrs.
Doubtfire situation.
He has to pretend to be a cat
so he can see his kids.
Anyway, come on down to
whiskers r' we.
Our policy is bring a bag, and
we'll put a cat in it.
Time to climb up on the
scratching post I guess.
There we go.
Happy Valentine's day.
Whiskers r' we
valentines cat giveaway.
See you there.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you thank you to kanye west.
Chance the rapper
Kelly price
kirk Franklin, the young thugs
thank you snl.
Thank you New York City.
have you guys been watching
- the primaries?
- Yes.
Hillary got her butt kicked in
New Hampshire.
We're all still voting for
her, right?
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
- Sure.
- Cool, cool, cool, me too.
Except I think I'm voting for
Bernie.
What!?
But yeah, me too.
You are?
But so are we.
I mean Hillary is
the most qualified
candidate in history, but
at the same time, eh?
Yeah, Hillary has every single
thing I want in a president, but...
She's no Bernie.
♪♪
♪ Turn down the lights turn down
the bed ♪
♪ Turn down these voices inside
my head ♪
♪ lay down with me tell me no
lies ♪
♪ Just hold me close don't
patronize ♪
I mean, I like Hillary's
foreign policy experience, but I
love Bernie's whole vibe.
I'm obsessed with his vibe.
♪ 'Cause I can't make you love
me if you don't ♪
Bernie is the best.
♪ You can't make your heart feel
something it won't ♪
Bernie is change.
♪ Here in the dark in these
final hours I will lay down my
heart and I'll feel the power
but you won't ♪
I like when Bernie yells.
♪ No you wont
but I don't like when Hillary
does.
♪ 'Cause I can't make you love
me if you don't ♪
Did anyone else just get so
cold for a minute?
I felt cold, but safe.
Hey you guys I'm sorry I'm late.
We were just talking about whether
or not to vote for Hillary.
I definitely am because
Gloria steinem and Madeleine
albright basically said it's my feminist
duty.
Well actually that's not right.
True feminism is looking at both
candidates equally, regardless
of gender.
Well, if I really do that, I
pick Bernie.
Me too,
Hillary's just too establishment.
Yeah and Bernie's an outsider
who's only been in congress for
like 30 years.
Bernie's the best.
♪ I can't make you love me if
you don't ♪
♪ You can't make your heart feel
something it won't ♪
Like her for my sake.
♪ Here in the dark in these
final hours I will lay down my
heart and I'll feel the power ♪
Oh, boy.
♪ But you won't --
- Guess what?
♪ No you won't ♪
I'm not even playing this thing.
♪ I can't make you love me if
you don't ♪
You guys I will
say one thing about
Hillary, she's way better than
those republican nominees.
That's true.
Except I do like jeb bush.
You do?
No, I'm kidding, who likes
jeb bush.
♪ 'Cause I can't make you love
me if you don't ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't make your heart
feel something it won't ♪
♪ Deep in the dark --
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry, are you jeb bush?
Wait, you can see me?
Yes, you just stood up out of
that table.
How long were you waiting down
there for?
But I was just...
I was doing what Hillary did.
You know, with the other ones
because she and I are both big losers.
No, you two aren't the same.
Hillary may have lost new
Hampshire, but she's still
polling way ahead in the South.
Yeah, I have a ton of friends
there, and they all love her.
♪♪
That's right my babies.
Hillary's going nowhere!
♪ I'll see you in the South ♪
♪ And live from New York it's
Saturday night ♪
♪♪
It's "Saturday night live."
♪♪
With --
Vanessa bayer.
Beck Bennett.
Aidy Bryant.
Colin jost.
Taran killam.
Kate McKinnon.
Kyle mooney.
Bobby moynihan.
Jay pharoah.
Cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson.
Sasheer zamada.
Featuring --
Michael che.
Pete Davidson.
Leslie Jones.
John rudnitsky.
Musical guest, kanye west.
And your host,
Melissa McCarthy.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Melissa McCarthy.
♪♪
Hello.
Hi.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Oh, my goodness.
This is so exciting.
It's Valentine's day show.
And I have a little something
unusual for you I want
everybody right now to look
under their chair.
Go ahead, look under your chair.
Any of you -- anyone finds a
glove, there's one glove from
this week, it's like a caramelly
color, it's an isotoner, it's a
goody.
And if you find it, give me a
holler.
It's missing its sister.
I've been having the most
amazing week here.
My whole family's here, I just
finished a new movie called "the
boss" I wrote with my husband.
We had a blast doing it.
I tell you what, honestly, all I
can think about is the fact that
I'm hosting snl for the fifth
time tonight.
Which means that I'm officially
a member of the five timers club.
Before they come out here and
make a fuss and give me my five
timers jacket.
I just want to say, one little
thing.
Hit it.
♪ Never in my wildest dreams did
I ever expect to host the show
five times ♪
♪ Five whole times ♪
They say five times a charm
♪ I got it tattooed on my arm
five five five ♪
♪ Host five times ♪
♪ She was born born born a to host
five times ♪
Born a to host five times ♪
Yes she was born ♪
Just ask lorne ♪
Even more
♪ I've hosted now five times ♪
♪♪
♪ Five timers club is mine ♪
♪ Five five five five five
five ♪
♪ Five five five five five ♪
♪ Five five five five ♪
Melissa. Melissa. Stop it!
♪ Five five five five ♪
- Can we stop!
- What?
- Melissa.
- What?
You've only hosted four times.
No, five.
♪ Five five five five ♪
Can you put her down please.
- No, what?
- It's only four.
I googled when I was
backstage sweating in this foam
five costume that you made me
wear.
Wait a minute, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not right.
The first was 2011, 2013, 2014,
tonight and last year was the
40th anniversary special.
That's five, keenan.
No, no, no, the 40th doesn't
count, baby girl.
That counts for like 1/16
hosting.
That's like 4 1/16.
So am I not getting the five
timers jacket?
No.
But look, you get this.
- Oh.
- That's cool.
Yeah, it is cool.
Why is it on a banana?
Well, just to show scale.
And there's more.
Here, look at these.
Okay, these are even bigger
than the five.
And the banana.
I mean, they're bigger.
You think about it, it's
actually now like my own club.
I'm a 4 1/16er.
Yeah, now sing the song.
Tonight will still be fun
because I'm hosting for the
4 & 1/16 time.
That's even better.
Never felt quite so alive
tonight is not really thrive, it's
4 & 1/16
♪ she's hosting for 4, 4,
4 & 1/16 times.
We have a great show!
Kanye west is here.
Stick around, we'll be right
back.
To white people, it was just
another great week.
They never saw it coming.
They had no warning.
Then the day before the super
bowl, it happened.
Beyonce released a new video,
that embraces her black heritage.
Beyonce is unapologetically black.
Tribute to the black
lives matter movement.
Showcase for black messages.
Her blackness like never before.
Honey get in here.
What is it?
- What's wrong?
- Out of nowhere.
I think Beyonce.
Is black?
The day Beyonce turned black.
Guys, I don't understand this
new song.
Hot sauce in my bag swag?
What does that mean?
Maybe the song isn't for us.
But usually everything is.
It was the day that choked the whole
white world.
We have to go.
We have to leave America.
Beyonce is black.
Amy, I'm black.
What?
No you're not.
You're like my girl.
Yeah, but I can still be black.
There's black people all over
the world.
That guy's black.
I know he's black.
Beyonce is black?
What about single ladies?
She was black in that.
- What about (Unintelligible).
- She was black in that too.
What about the pink panther movie?
Yeah, okay, she was white in that.
Right?
It was the day white people
lost their Beyonce.
Getting word now that Beyonce
isn't the only black celebrity.
Some are saying kerry Washington
may also be black.
No, it can't be.
She's on abc.
I don't understand how can
they be black?
They're women.
I think they might be both.
Both!?
No!
- What's going on out there?
- New Beyonce video.
Oh!
It was the day they lost their damn
white minds.
Ashley?
Honey, what are you listening to?
The new Beyonce song.
I really like it.
Oh, God, you're black too.
Carry, that is my daughter.
Your daughters over on the bed.
Remember, you invited us for a
play date?
Oh, that's right, thank God.
Thank God?
Really?
The day Beyonce turned black,
rated NC-17 for white people and
G for black people.
- Mommy, is Taylor swift still white?
- I don't know.
Just close your eyes, it will be
over in the morning.
Okay.
Hi there folks.
Again, we appreciate you all
attending our test screening
this evening.
We reviewed your comment cards
and the cul-de-sac was one of
our highest scoring horror
movies in four years.
I loved it man.
You all are twisted and I like
that.
That is great to hear.
Show of hands, how many of
you experienced a jump scare
during the film?
Where you physically jumped in
your seat?
One or two jump scares in
there for me.
Spilled a little bit of soda.
I think you got
a hit on your hands.
Let's hope so.
As you know, we were taping
the audience during the
screening for are
television and web ads
and you guys gave us
some great reactions we'd like
to use.
We wanted to show you some
before you signed the releases.
♪♪
Had a little jump there,
huh Diane?
It's so embarrassing.
This was taken during the
first murder scene.
Dotty, you were pretty scared
there?
I think that clip might have
been Diane.
No, it was you.
Well, it's kind of hard to
tell with night vision.
Here's you guys watching the
monsters in the trees sequence.
They're in the trees!
By the way, that young woman
who was punched is shaken but
she's otherwise fine.
Well, for the record, I
barely touched her, and I think
she's a little bit of a drama
queen.
You gave us some real great
stuff during that final chase
scene.
Holy [Bleep].
Oh, my God.
My shirt.
Run!
Run!
I'm pissing myself!
Man this bitch is pissing herself!
They're in our dreams!
I'm gonna tell everyone!
If you're all okay with
these, we have some releases for
you.
Boy, I'd love to be on TV,
I'm not sure if it's worth
losing my dignity over.
You'll get $250.
Oh, yeah, deal.
Okay.
And let them eat snacks.
Mom, you rock.
I've never leaving this coach.
Linda Hamilton looks very young.
- What is this?
- It's the very first
Terminator from '84.
It's a classic.
We haven't had movie night in
forever, this is nice.
Oh, no, there's a sex scene
in Terminator?
I don't remember this.
Now I have to watch sex with my
parents?
This is so awkward.
I need to ease the tension in
here, I have to say something
that will lighten things up
right now.
When is the last time you
guys did that?
Oh, my God, that was the worst
possible thing I could have said.
Everyone's pretending it didn't
even happen.
I need to say something else.
Wow!
She's getting railed.
Why would I say that?
I should say something sweet now.
I love you guys so much.
Okay, kid.
That's very sweet of you.
Boy, I wish my hand wasn't
still rubbing tommys thigh
during an intercourse scene.
I'd hate to remove my hand too
suddenly and have it effect
tommys sexual confidence.
Oh you know what I got it.
Yep, nice one Patty.
Oh boy,
I hate to break the tension
with a witty comment about what
we're watching.
Think Jim.
You know, she has very dark
nipples for a white girl.
Nailed it.
I have to take a quick
time-out from this or I will
literally die.
I'm going to grab a snack
real quick.
- You want us to pause it?
- Uh, yeah.
No, why would you tell them to
pause it.
Boy, it is a dark nipple.
That's a weird word.
Nipple.
Nipple.
Nipple.
♪ We are farmers bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum ♪
I can't get that thing out of my
head.
♪ We are farmers bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum ♪
Genius.
Oh, my God, I was so in my
head about the pause thing, I
opened the pantry and opened a
box of dry rigatoni pasta.
And now I'm eating it.
This hurts.
Really bad.
I wish these two actors would
have discussed wearing a condom
before they started making love.
I hope Tommy doesn't think
that's okay.
I should say something, just
something casual, cool.
Something pro-safe sex.
Boy, rubbers are rad, huh?
I wish I hadn't started rubbing
his thigh again when I brought
up the rubbers.
Oh Patty.
That was weird.
Poor kid, probably dying inside.
I'm gonna help him out.
You know, there's a sex scene
in wild things that's way worse
than this, it's a crazy three-way.
A topless Denise
Richards in her prime.
The scene starts at
38 minutes and 10 seconds, you
should check it out.
Oh, boy, they're going to know I
have a Mr. skin account.
Okay I can't take it anymore.
I have to make a witty
statement so we can forget how
uncomfortable this has been.
This guy's lasting so long.
You know, I bet he's thinking of
baseball or his parents, so he
lasts.
Not that I would think of you
guys during sex.
That's gross.
You're not gross.
You guys were hot back in the day.
Like if I was in back to the
future and I time traveled to
when you were in high school, I would
totally hook up with you, mom.
Ewww, what am I saying?
I hate the Terminator.
I'm a virgin by the way.
Okay, see ya guys.
- She really is getting railed.
- Yeah, she's taking it like a champ.
ladies and gentlemen, kanye west.
Do you want me to give you a
testimony about my life, and how
good he's been to me?
I don't know what to tell you
about him.
I love him so much with all my
heart and my soul.
With every bone in my body I
love him so much, because he's
done so much for me.
No matter what you've been
through or where you've been,
he's always there with his arms
open wide, accepting me for who
I am.
And I love him so much.
I couldn't do it without him, I
wouldn't want to.
I'm crying now.
Feels so good to be free.
To be accepted for who you are,
and loved no matter what.
Oh lord, thank you.
You are the joy of my life.
♪♪
♪ High lights
tell everybody I'm back in town
high lights ♪
♪ Tell everybody
I'm back in town
high lights ♪
♪ Tell my baby I'm back
in town high lights ♪
♪ We only makin'
the highlights
tell my mama tell my mama ♪
♪ That I only want
my whole life to
only be highlights ♪
♪ We only makin'
the highlights ♪
♪ Tell my mama tell my mama
that I only want my whole life
to only be highlights ♪
♪ Can we play that back one
time and after that night ♪
♪ I'm gon' wanna play -- back
oh no ♪
♪ Sometimes I'm wishin'
that my -- had gopro
so I could play that
back in slo-mo ♪
♪ Just shot a shot
an amateur video
I think I should go pro ♪
♪ We only makin'
the highlights
we only makin'
the highlights ♪
♪ One life
high lights
lmn' the life 'til I die ♪
♪ I bet me and ray j
would be friends if we ain't love
the same chick ♪
♪ Yeah he might have
hit it first
only problem is I'm rich ♪
♪ Uh 21 grammys
superstar family
we the new Jackson's
and mama 'bout that action ♪
♪ I'm about that farrakhan
life is a marathon
I'ma shift the paradigm
I'm turn a baby down ♪
♪ I'ma bust a coach's head
open on some diddy --
if he ever talk to my son
like an idiot ♪
♪ One time for a
really gettin' it
two times cause we got
the whole city lit ♪
Impregnate bridget
soon as she have a baby
she gon' make another nigga ♪
♪ Got the food in islam
and the trenches hah
even though they know yeezus
is a Christian hah ♪
♪ She spent her whole check
on some christians
and that girl ain't
even religious ♪
♪ Walkin' lmn' breathin'
girl you know my past well
hard to believe in God
your nigga get killed ♪
Blac chyna trying -- rob
help him with the weight
I wish my trainer would
tell me what I overate
so when I'm on vacay
I need to kick back
♪ want a boss or an R&B
nigga with a six pack ♪
♪ I need every bad
chick up in equinox
I need to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I need to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I want to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I want to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ Oh lord, oh lord ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I want to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ I need every bad girl
up in equinox
I want to know right now
if you a freak or not ♪
♪ Oh lord, oh lord ♪
New York City!
Eight times!
The most of all time!
♪♪
It's "weekend update" with
Colin jost and Michael che.
What's up, everybody.
Welcome to "Weekend Update"
I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin Jost.
And here are tonight's top stories.
The gop debate just ended.
In South Carolina
and Donald trump was repeatably booed.
Throughout the evening.
Here's a quick clip.
Of trump responding to jeb bush.
Jeb is so wrong.
He's absolutely --
The crazy thing is, all jeb
said was, it's great to be here
in South Carolina.
Don't you guys know you can't
boo Donald trump.
He doesn't hear boos.
If you boo Donald trump
in his head, it's just this.
Jeb is so wrong.
Jeb is absolutely so --
At the Democratic debate,
Hillary Clinton and Bernie
Sanders made concerted efforts
to appeal to African-American
voters.
One a lot more than the other.
At the end of that debate, Hillary
pulled hot sauce out of her bag.
This week, Bernie Sanders met
with the reverend Al sharpton at
Sylvia's restaurant in Harlem,
and let's just say they did not
tip well.
During the Democratic debate,
Hillary Clinton attacked
Bernie Sanders saying he needs
to be honest with voters about
the difficulty of accomplishing
his proposals, while Clinton's
critics say she has to be honest
with voters about --
♪♪
All that stuff.
And then there's --♪♪
Oh, wow, there's more.
Okay.
She's got to be honest about
that stuff.
Donald trump promised this
week he will stop using
profanity and other vulgar
language on the campaign trail.
Saying as we get closer, you'll
be shocked how presidential I'll
be.
Adding you'll love it so much
you'll cream your jeans.
This week Beyonce faced
outrage for her super bowl
performance.
No, she didn't.
When did outrage go from
pitchforks and torches to
strongly worded tweets.
Even if you were outraged, what
are you going to do, stop
listening to Beyonce?
Impossible.
She's too good, she's like the
Beyonce of music.
And the better you are at
something, the more you can get
away with.
You know, not long ago, there
was an actual petition to kick
Justin bieber out of the country
just for being a horrible person.
Then we heard that song sorry
and said, oh, man you can stay.
People got bad when kanye
tweeted Billy cosby is innocent
this week.
But my first thought was damn,
kanye's new album must be
dope.
And it is.
When you're that dope you
can whatever you want.
My grandmother is the most
prejudice person we know and we
all ignore it.
- Why?
- Because she's the Beyonce of
sweet potato pie.
This month nbc will
air a special that features
a reunion of the cast of
friends, here to comment is
Rachel from friends.
This is incredible.
It's so great to see you, Rachel.
Oh, Colin, hi, hi.
Oh, hi, hi.
Oh, wow yeah.
You know, I don't think I've
seen you since the '90s.
- How have you been?
- Oh, what?
Yeah, yeah, I've been -- I've
been good.
I've been good.
Yeah.
Good.
So are you excited to see all
your friends again?
Oh, yeah, Joey, Chandler,
phoebs, mon, and of coarse Ross.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's all of them.
You know, I'm seeing them tonight.
Phoebs is playing a show at
central perk and then we're all
jumping in a fountain with
umbrellas.
You should come.
I'll see you there.
♪♪
Okay, yeah.
Okay, bye.
I'm sorry, what just
happened?
Oh, yeah, you know, that happens
to me every few minutes.
Yeah, yeah, it's weird.
I don't know, it's weird.
Speaking of which.
Hey, what's that?
What's what?
That?
Well, that's Michael che.
She's on "friends" she's
never seen a black person, Colin.
Oh, yeah, hey, why don't you
both come over tonight.
Phoebs is going to bring her new
boyfriend.
And he's not going to fit in.
- I'll see you there.
- Yeah.
♪♪
Oh, shhhh.
Wait, now you have a baby?
Oh, yeah, sometimes, yeah.
Take him.
Rachel, is it me or do you
always sound surprised by
everything?
What?
Oh, yeah, no.
Okay.
Okay?
What?
Yeah?
Huh?
Rachel from "friends."
♪♪
Okay.
At a rally in Baton Rouge
this week, Donald trump signed
the hand of a toddler, the
message read sweetly and simply,
deport me.
Just yesterday Ted Cruz
pulled a new campaign ad after
it was revealed that a woman
featured in the ad was a former
soft core porn actress, once you
know she's a porn actress, the
guys entrance at the end of the
ad is a lot more fun.
Here it is.
Maybe you should vote for more
than just a pretty face next time.
You guys have room for one more?
I'm beginning to think that
started as a porno and they
ended up talking about Ted Cruz.
Listen to it again, with the
music turned up.
Maybe you should vote for more
than just a pretty face next time.
You guys have room for one more?
I'm Ted Cruz and I approve
this porno.
Seamless voiceover.
U.S. officials say the
satellite north Korea launched
into orbit is tumbling and
incapable of functioning.
Earning it the nickname, Marco
rubio.
Anheuser-busch is saying
that Peyton Manning was not paid
to say he was going to drink a
lot of budweiser after the super bowl.
I guess it was a coincidence he
left the field on a wagon drawn
by clydesdales screaming,
whassup.
On Thursday scientists announced
the detection of
gravitational waves whose
existence was first proposed by
Albert Einstein in 1916, it's a
pretty complicated idea.
Here to explain it to us is
Denver broncos linebacker and
super bowl mvp, Von Miller.
Von, you studied science in
college?
Yeah, I guess you could say I
did.
Alright now explain this to us
the gravitational waves were
discovered when two black holes
collided with each other?
Yes.
Let me put it like this.
Two huge forces slamming
together like me and cam Newton.
You're just talking about
football, man?
No, I'm talking about science.
These forces collide and make
gravity waves like when I
collided with cam Newton,
forcing the fumble.
Sounds like you're bragging,
are you sure you're not bragging
about this?
I told you, this is science, man.
These waves are everywhere in
the universe.
Just like I'm everywhere
when cam Newton's around.
Von, you already won, man.
Look this is a huge discovery
no one ever thought it would happen.
Kind of like on one ever thought
that we would keep
the number one offense.
But hey it happened and it's amazing.
Discovery proves that Einstein's
theory, me equals mvp.
You got that right, Von
Miller, everybody.
Every chipotle in the
country this week shut down for
four hours to hold a company
wide staff meeting about food
safety.
Meanwhile, panda express shut
down for two hours to hold
underground rat fights.
So much money on rat fights.
A new survey lists the most
romantic city in the country as
Alexandria, Virginia.
The least romantic is flu farts,
Ohio.
The renowned doctor who
discovered cte in football players
says he's absolutely certain that
O.J. Simpson suffers from the
condition.
He believes o.J.
Developed cte due to repeated
injuries he suffered while
committing double murder.
But do you get it?
Valentine's day has
officially started right now,
and here to comment is our own
Leslie Jones.
- Happy Valentine's day.
- Are you having a good
Valentine's day?
I am now, you sexy dollop of
miracle whip.
I just want to spread you on my
sammich.
I'm happy being single on
Valentine's day, because I know the
perfect man is out there for me.
Okay well they say
there's someone for everyone.
Do you know what you're
looking for?
Absolutely, you want a list?
Yes, I do.
Dim the lights.
Give me something smooth,
Manuel.
I'm sorry, who is Manuel?
He's my piano player.
Hola.
Take it away, Manuel.
My perfect man is happy, kind, good
kisser, but not too wet.
Don't slobber on me.
Good breath.
Treats me with respect.
Tight ass.
Considerate.
I'm talking about an ass
so tight that it can crack
walnuts.
I love walnuts.
Good hair, nice skin.
Smells like an Israeli.
Have you ever smelled an
Israeli?
Definitely not, no.
Generous, punctual, good
sized penis.
One that is circumcised and
functioning all the time.
Big smile, which shouldn't be a
problem if your penis is
functioning all the time.
I want a man who's confident,
likes flowers, but don't send me
any flowers.
Because I don't like flowers
flowers is death.
You know how a body decomposes
and then starts to stink.
That's what you're sending me
when you send me flowers.
Because you already cut them up
and you're sending them to me
because they're dead and they
stink of death.
Death fumes.
I got a bag full of rotten
garbage dead flowers.
A bag full of death.
- Are you okay, Leslie?
- I'm fine.
Patience.
Hates avocados.
I need a man that talks dirty to
me, but not so dirty where I got
to give him this look.
I want a man that's loyal.
Funny, but not funnier than me.
And so far, that has not been a
problem.
Smokes weed.
Mom loves me, but not enough
where she wants to hang out with
me, unless she smokes weed.
I want a man who can grill a
steak without having to cut into
it and check if it's cooked like
a little bitch.
How many steaks have you seen
me cut?
Completely despises avocados.
You already mentioned the
avocados.
Clearly that is important to
me, Jost.
I have to say, Leslie, this
is quite a list of demands.
Yeah, because these are the
qualities that I admire about myself.
Except for the part about the
good sized penis.
Make no mistake, if I had a penis.
It would be huge.
Leslie Jones, everybody.
For weekend update, I'm Colin Jost.
I'm Michael che, goodnight.
Ladies, now, it's time for
your final test.
You're going to use each of the
pickup techniques you learned in
my class, the art of the pickup
for the first time in a real
world situation.
Veronica, you're up.
Now, remember, zero in on the
guy you like, compliment his
friend to make him jealous and
neg him, say something negative
get him off his game.
Hey I like your haircut.
- Thanks.
- I don't know about your
friend's shirt, gray is not your
color.
- What?
- I'm interested.
What is my color.
Perfect.
Say something negative, pique
his interest.
Rhonda, why don't you give it
a try?
I'm ready.
I like your hair.
Thank you.
I think you're a piece of
crap I will bash your brains in.
Whoa, what?
How was that?
That was very bad, Rhonda.
Way too negative.
Let's try one of our pickup lines.
Joe, you're up.
Remember to initiate physical
contact.
Is that a mirror in your pants,
because I can see myself in them.
Cool, so aggressive.
That was perfect, guys.
Rhonda, give it another shot?
All right.
I like your outfit.
Thank you.
I'd like it better crumpled
up on my bedroom floor?
- Nice.
- Just don't let it touch my
Uncle Jesse's trundle bed, I
think he's a serial killer.
He pretty much told me so.
What are you doing?
What is this?
Are you hitting us?
No.
But I'd like to hit your face
with a wrench.
Rhonda!
Duty calls.
I think I'm getting it.
What did Rhonda do wrong?
- She said her Uncle's a serial killer?
- Yes.
And she made that tiny fart
noise with her mouth.
I'd just like to point out
now whenever he smells a
fart, he's going to think of me,
dummy.
Janis, why don't you give it
a shot?
Do you know what would look
good on you?
- What?
- Me.
Damn, can I buy you a drink?
Let me try.
Do you know what would look
good on you?
Let me guess, you?
No, not me, my Uncle Joe.
He's huge and he has a cool
haircut.
Oh, my God.
Stop that!
Oh, my God.
The world would be better if I choked you
out and hit you in the head with a rock.
What the hell.
I initiated physical contact.
Rhonda, you choked him, put
your fingers in his mouth.
Then in your mouth.
Yeah, but then I let him go,
and I showed mercy.
So you're the dumb one.
Fine, won't you show us
what you learned.
Remember to try to set future
plans.
Me and my friends have a bet.
How much do you think the ball
in time's square weighs, maybe
we should go out on new year's
and ask.
I've never been to New York
except for one serious surgery.
Me and my friends have a bet.
I hear prison executions, the
victim poops himself on a slab.
Maybe we should go to together
to see if if he poops on the slab.
If he does indeed poop on the
slab I'll give you $10,000.
If he doesn't you'll kiss me on
the mouth.
But I don't have the money
so I hope he poops.
Get off me.
Stop that, stop that.
Don't do that.
Uh-oh.
My Uncle Joe's here.
Somebody touched my trundle
bed.
Yes, I'm nervous.
Of course I'm nervous.
But it's like, this is the thing
I've wanted my whole life.
Man, I wear mc's like a sandal
blow them out be gone.
The flame from the candle.
When I'm rhyming, rapping,
that's me.
I mean, this is what I've been
working for.
It's what I've been building
toward.
And if I don't try now, when
will I try?
This week is exciting, though.
With kanye on, and I'm a big fan.
This week I think I want to
freestyle battle.
- That's gutsy.
- That is gutsy.
I think a lot of people are
wondering, why are you focusing
on this?
My goal here is for people to
look at me and go, wait a second.
That's hip-hop.
Hip-hop culture has always been
so important to me.
I even taught myself how to
breakdance.
I was good, lining really really
really really really really
really good.
Here I am, a kid moonwalking.
I'm doing music videos,
thinking, this is what I'm going
to do for the rest of my life.
It's all finally happening.
And then this is where it's not
easy.
Then I get hired by "Saturday
night live."
I have no idea what I'm doing
out there.
I'm lost, I'm scared.
I feel like everybody's
thinking, wait, he's not a rapper.
It's like when people see me,
they see, oh, he's this white
nerdy guy, sort of a heart throb
on the rise maybe.
But that doesn't matter.
The real reason I'm here is to
become the greatest rapper alive.
And I think I can do that by
being kanye west in a battle.
A freestyle battle.
Kanye west.
Man?
That stinks, grab a mint.
What is that, your kanye breath?
Whoa!
That's actually dope.
Here we go.
Kanye, I'm going to battle you.
Kanye west.
Kanye west.
You need a mint for your kanye
breath.
When I'm done with you, there's
going to be no kanyes left.
Are you going to say anything?
No, I guess not.
Because it seems like I'm the
verbal catcher's mit, you've
been caught.
Like a teacher with a lesson.
I miss the old kanye, chop up
the soul kanye.
Straight from the go kanye.
I'll with the flow kanye.
I hate the new kanye.
The always rude kanye.
The bad move kanye.
Spreading the news kanye.
I miss the old kanye.
Kicking the flows kanye.
Where are the thoughts at ye.
I miss the old kanye.
You know we love kanye.
You used to love kanye.
You had the pink ball.
We thought you was kanye.
We used to love kanye.
That's all it was kanye.
Well guess what
I love you like kanye loves kanye.
Well, that was the biggest
mistake of my life.
I just destroyed kanye in a rap
battle and now he's probably
really sad.
Well, at least my career's on
fire.
Yes!
Doing things.
Okay, this is Franklin
station, transfer here for the
m-26 to Greenville.
- Hello.
- Hello, ma'am.
Would you like to sit down miss?
Yes, thanks.
You got it.
So nice.
That's got to feel good?
Yes, it does.
Chivalry isn't dead, right?
I kind of meant the other thing.
- What other thing?
- White man gives up his seat
in the front of the bus.
I have to say, we've come a long
way, baby.
Okay.
You know, they're showing
roots on television for
February, you know, and I have
just been glued to that sucker
so good.
Prime Ben vereen, prime O.J.
Simpson.
It's a can't miscast really.
What character I love is kanye
Kinney.
Kunta kinte.
I don't speak it,
but I enjoy the work.
You sure you don't want to
sit back down?
No, I'm good.
I have to be honest, I don't
love a lot of black movies.
Like the one where she poops?
The pie and -- where was that?
She was a maid, she pooped in a
pie and made a lady eat it.
Is that called poop pie?
No, it's called "the help."
It's a little racy for me,
but roots I do enjoy.
I told my husband Ron, if this
is roots, which one is
questlove.
He did not get that one.
That o.J. Is -- was handsome.
That's a waste, huh?
Hey, man, I'm just going to
get out here.
- This is a highway, ma'am.
- That's fine.
You know, there's another
one, I didn't love is also got
slaves in it, it's not roots.
I think it's -- is it eight
- years I got a slave?
- No.
- Eight years I got a slave.
- It's 12 years a slave.
Oh, was it 12 years, I didn't
see the whole thing.
Hey, man, you can open up the
door and I can tuck and roll out.
You don't even have to stop.
Look at that, we're like a
benetton ad, huh?
If I had to choose, I do prefer
white movies.
There's so many great ones, the
godfather, the gremlins, star
wars.
Oh, boy.
But I did enjoy roots just as
much as any white movie.
You know what I was telling Ron.
I said, how about somebody make
roots with an all white cast.
You can't go wrong with that.
Hey, hey man does this window
open.
I could slide right out of this
window.
One second.
Wait, hold on.
Yeah, why?
A bomb?
Now?
Okay hold on.
I just got word if I go below 50
Miles per hour, this bus will
explode.
What?
I don't waned to die with you.
I don't want to die without
seeing the end of roots?
I mean, do they ever get free?
Don't worry, ma'am, I have a
full tank of gas in this baby,
so we can ride all night.
I just have to make one quick
stop.
No!
Once again, kanye west!
♪♪
♪♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith
on an ultra light beam ♪
♪ We on an ultra light beam
this is a God dream
this is a God dream ♪
♪ This is everything
this is everything
deliver us serenity ♪
♪ Deliver us peace
deliver us loving
we know we need
you know we need it ♪
♪ You know we need it
and I'mma need you now
oh I pray for Paris ♪
♪ Pray for the parents
this is a God dream
this is a God dream
this is a God dream ♪
♪ We on an ultra light beam
we on an ultra light beam
this is a God dream
this is God dream ♪
♪ This is everything
this is everything ♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith
but I'm looking for more
somewhere I can feel safe
and end my holy war ♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith
so why send depression
not blessings ♪
♪ Why oh why'd
you do me wrong
you persecute the weak ♪
♪ Because it makes you
feel so strong don't have
much strength to fight ♪
♪ So I look to the light
to make these wrongs
turn right ♪
♪ Head up high
I look to the light
hey 'cause I know that ♪
♪ You'll make
everything alright
and I know that you'll ♪
♪ Take good care
of your child ♪
♪ Oh no longer
afraid of the night
cause I
I look to the light ♪
♪ When they come for you
I will shield your name
I will field their questions
I will feel your pain ♪
♪ No one can judge
they don't know
they don't know ♪
♪ Foot on the devil's neck
'til they drifted pangaea
I'm moving all my family
from chatham to Zambia ♪
♪ Treat the demons
just like Pam
I mean damn Gina ♪
♪ I been this way
since Arthur was anteater
now they wanna hit me
with the woo-wap the bam ♪
♪ Tryna send photos
of familia my daughter
look just like sia
you can't see her ♪
♪ You can feel the lyrics
and spirit coming in braille
tubman of the underground
come and follow the trail ♪
♪ I made Sunday candy
I'm never going to hell
I met kanye west
I'm never going to fail ♪
♪ You said let's do
a good ass job
with chance three ♪
♪ I hear you gotta
sell it to snatch the grammy
let's make it so free
and the bar so hard ♪
♪ That it ain't one gosh
darn part you can't tweet ♪
♪ This is my part
nobody else speak
this is my part
nobody else speak ♪
♪ This little light of mine
glory be to God yeah
I'mma make sure that they
go where they can't go ♪
♪ If they don't wanna ride I'mma
still throw them raincoats ♪
♪ Know what God said when
he made the first rainbow ♪
♪ Just throw this
at the end if I'm
late for the intro ♪
♪ I'm just having fun
with it
you know that a was lost
I laugh in my head ♪
♪ Cause I bet that
my ex looking back
like a pillar of salt ♪
♪ You cannot mess
with the light
look at lil chano from 79 ♪
This is a ultra light beam ♪
This is a God dream
this is a God dream ♪
♪ This is everything
everything ♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith
but I'm looking for more
somewhere I can feel safe
and end my holy war ♪
♪ I'm tryna keep my faith ♪
Father, this prayer is for
everybody that feels like gmng up.
This prayer's for everybody that
feels like they're not good
enough.
For everyone that says that you
said, "I'm sorry," too many
times.
Jesus, I'm glad you came to give
us eternal life.
I'm so glad about it.
That's what we're looking for.
♪ Faith ♪
We was looking for -- ♪
♪ More ♪
- Keep my brother --
♪ safe ♪
While we fighting this --
♪ war ♪
♪♪
Cats.
A cat is a ticket to fun.
A cat is a dream come true with
fur.
A cat is an animal in your
house that you're okay with.
Cats are your best shot at
having a cat.
So come on down for our
Valentine's day cat giveaway,
here at whiskers r' we.
Hi, I'm Barbara dedrew.
And I'm Tabitha, but I
changed it to tabbytha because
of cats.
You're fricking nuts.
Many of these rescue cats
come from owners who didn't
value their specialness.
Let's take a look at today's
Fe-lineup.
Shall we.
This is Riley.
She's a millennial, she uses the
Twitter box.
But I think she's a troll,
because she fills it with crap.
I said it, I don't get it.
You're a corn ball.
No I'm a horn ball.
Cool it, we're on camera.
Don't adjust your set.
Toby is a hairless cat.
But he wasn't born that way.
I covered him with nair and
ripped out all his hair.
And now he's got a bone to pick
with me.
He'll thank you come swimsuit
season.
Oh, look who we have here,
this is William.
You should know, William hasn't
been neutered yet, so he still
wears condoms.
He always leaves the little
rappers everywhere, like we get
it, dude.
How wonderful.
This is sprinkles.
Sprinkles has a sad history.
He was involved in medical
experimentation.
He would put lipstick in
rabbits eyes until they
screamed.
Little jerkass.
He's still nice to pet, though.
Tabitha.
I put the cat down already, I
think you know that.
I cat help it.
Please, we both know you're
just doing this to piss off your
senator father.
We call this cat o.J. Because
he's orange like the juice and a
murderer like the athlete.
I find him guilty of being
adorable.
And again, murder.
And this is whiskers.
I don't know if you can tell,
but whiskers is a dog in a cat
costume.
We think it's kind of a Mrs.
Doubtfire situation.
He has to pretend to be a cat
so he can see his kids.
Anyway, come on down to
whiskers r' we.
Our policy is bring a bag, and
we'll put a cat in it.
Time to climb up on the
scratching post I guess.
There we go.
Happy Valentine's day.
Whiskers r' we
valentines cat giveaway.
See you there.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you thank you to kanye west.
Chance the rapper
Kelly price
kirk Franklin, the young thugs
thank you snl.
Thank you New York City.