Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 41, Episode 15 - Ariana Grande - full transcript
synced and corrected
by peritta
♪♪
[Cheers and applause]
Hello, I'm Jake Tapper, if you
google me, you'll see me in a T-shirt.
But first, another big endorsement
for Donald Trump, as
former rival Ben Carson
has agreed to throw his
support to the businessman.
We go now to Florida, where
Trump has just taken the stage.
[Applause]
Thank you.
My guest today is so tremendous.
Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man.
And for once, I don't mean that
as an insult to the
mentally challenged.
Why don't you come out here, Ben.
Come on.
[Applause]
I am so thrilled to be here today.
I am positively turned.
Yes, Donald and I are very different.
We're like night and
day, ebony and orangey.
Sure, we've had our -- you know,
we've had our polite disagreements.
I question his knowledge on
health care, and he called me a
psycho and a child molester.
Hey in my defense, he's
a pretty creepy dude.
I mean, look at this guy, he
looks like he drives a hollowed
out ice cream truck.
What my point is, I have
learned there are two Donald Trumps.
There's the man you see every
night on stage for eight months.
A guy who calls people losers
and brags about his penis.
But there's also the friendly man I
had breakfast with earlier
today for ten minutes.
He gave me a muffin.
Okay, that's enough for now.
Let's get this guy a
juice box and a nap.
Bye, America.
It's been weird.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
And there it is.
Turning out for the democrats,
Bernie Sanders pulled off a huge
upset in Michigan this week.
Joining us via satellite
from his hotel in Illinois,
is senator Bernie Sanders.
[Applause]
Yes yes, hello.
Hello. Good for me.
Mr. Wonderful.
Mr. Presidential Candidate.
Congratulations on your big
win in Michigan, senator.
Thank you, Tapper.
I want to thank everyone who
voted for me, and apologize to
everyone else for making your
Facebook feeds so, so annoying.
I mean, I love my supporters,
but they're too much, right?
I'm great, but I'm not
five posts a day great.
With all due respect to my
supporters, get a life.
Now, how do you think you
pulled out such an upset victory?
Well Tapper, I spent a
lot of time in Michigan.
I don't know if you're aware of this,
but they give you ten
cents for recycled cans.
I made a fortune.
Now, senator, you may have won
Michigan, but Hillary still
leads you in delegates
and super delegates?
Can I ask you something?
What's a super delegate?
Who calls themselves
that, it's so cocky.
They walk around like
they're such big shots.
I beg your pardon, Mr. super delegate.
Let me tell you something,
I've met some of these super
delegates, they're not so super,
mediocre delegates is more like it.
Senator, many think you need
these super delegates
to win the nomination.
Not true, no. Not true.
I have the voters, my message is
resonating with a very diverse
group of white people.
[Laughter]
And I have supporters of all
ages, 18-year-olds, 19-year-olds.
[Laughter]
That's it.
The young people love me,
Tapper, because I'm like them.
I have a lot of big plans, and
absolutely no idea how to achieve them.
[Applause]
You're still struggling with
minorities, why do you think
African-Americans
aren't voting for you?
Probably because I look like
someone who at some point told
them, get out of my store.
[Laughter]
And finally, senator, Florida
votes on Tuesday, you haven't
spent much time there.
Can you blame me? Who wants
to spend time in Florida?
The only reason you go to
Florida is if your sister calls
and says, mom's dead, we
got to go to Florida.
[Laughter]
All right, thank you, senator.
[Cheers and applause]
Breaking news right now, we're
getting word now of yet
another incident of violence
at a Donald Trump rally.
Apparently the victim was this man, Dr.
Ben Carson, who was
attacked moments ago by an angry
mob that mistook him for a protester.
We go there now.
It's okay, I'm fine.
Guys, what did I say?
Not this one.
[Applause]
This is one of the good ones.
[Laughter]
I'm sorry, Ben.
Hey, they're just lucky I
don't have my knife on me.
I've been known to cut a bitch.
Don't worry, we have a very
classy Trump steak on his eye.
And to the media, please don't
use this as an excuse
to call me racist.
Donald actually got a lot of
black friends, Omarosa, Dennis Rodman.
The list goes on.
Mike Tyson.
The list ends.
Quite a scene.
Now, let's check back in
with senator Bernie Sanders.
What? No, no.
Get out of here.
Don't -- don't cut back to me.
Get, get away.
Senator, are you in your pajamas?
Of course I'm in pajamas,
it's bedtime, you idiot.
You said you were finished,
so I got in pajamas.
How did you change so fast?
I always wear them under my suit.
That's why my suits are so baggy.
Now, please, if you don't mind.
Live from New York,
it's Saturday night!
[Cheers and applause]
It's "Saturday night live."
♪♪
With --
host and musical guest, Ariana Grande.
♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana Grande.
♪♪
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you guys so much, I'm
Ariana Grande, I'm a singer, not
a Starbucks drink.
I'm so honored and excited
to be hosting and
performing tonight.
It's been a dream of mine to
be on this stage ever since I
was a little girl, which
was two months ago.
I've been singing and
acting since I was eight.
I started my career on kids
TV, doing nickelodeon.
Yes, indeed.
[Cheers and applause]
What an amazing place to
launch a career, am I right?
That's right Kenan,
we both started doing
nickelodeon shows, but
of course that's not
the only thing people
know us for any more.
Well speak for yourself, I've been
on this show for 13 damn years and
people still ask me twice
a week, where's Kel.
I loved you guys, do you
still stay in touch?
A little bit!
[Cheers and applause]
Yeah, it can be tough going
up in show business.
A lot of stars end up
doing drugs, are in
jail, pregnant or get caught
licking a doughnut they didn't pay for.
Which yes was childish and stupid
I've learned that it's really
time to grow up, I think I'm in
a place where I'm ready to be
caught in a real adult scandal.
A real scandal, you know,
something to take my
career to the next level.
Something that says
welcome to Hollywood kid.
Miley's had them, Bieber's had them.
Everyone's had them.
Each day I sit by my window and
dream, when will my scandal be.
Thank you.
[Laughter]
♪ They'll say she's a hot mess ♪
♪ Or what a disgrace ♪
♪ They'll say is that Botox
in her butt or in her face ♪
[Laughter]
♪ That tweet about the Jews
was in really poor taste ♪
♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪
♪ Maybe I'll throw a fit in an L.A.
hotel ♪
♪ And make life for the
staff a true living hell ♪
♪ I'll puke in the pool ♪
♪ Or pimp slap Adele ♪
♪ So what will my scandal be ♪
Ariana, I was just in your
dressing room smelling all your
clothes, you just left
your cell phone out, girl.
You have to be careful, someone could hack
into it and post everything on the Internet.
Oh, my God, that would be amazing.
No, no, no.
When I was a little girl, my
mama told me a would grow up and
make millions of strangers mad at me.
And now it's finally
happening, thank you.
♪ Maybe diet pills will
scramble my brain ♪
♪ I'll light up in first class
and get kicked off a plane ♪
♪ Maybe I'll have a love child
with Drake or 2 Chainz ♪
♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪
Hey, Ariana, I overhead you wanna
smoke some pot or something?
Pot? Let's smoke some crack, man.
I'm good.
♪ Imagine what they'll say
imagine what they'll write ♪
♪ I could slip a nip at the
super bowl and ruin my career ♪
Over night ♪
♪ Scandal ♪
♪ My very own ♪
♪ Scandal ♪
♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪
[Cheers and applause]
We have a great show, so
stick around, we'll be right back.
As millennials, your
voice is important.
You're the ones who will decide
this election, because
there are so many of you.
So, so many.
And luckily, I, Hillary Clinton
share all of your exact same
beliefs, and I always have.
Since the beginning of my
campaign I have constantly said
we need a revolution in the streets.
Millions of people coming
together because America should
be for everyone, not just a
handful of millionaires
and billionaires.
I know you millennials, you're
fired up, you're angry.
And I'm angry too.
Because the top 10% of the top
1% controls 90% of the
wealth in this country.
[Laughter]
And I've always said that.
Ever since I was a young boy
growing up in Brooklyn.
Oh Brooklyn.
And when it comes to that
darn wall street, I've always
believed no bank can
be too big to fail.
No executives too -- you know the rest.
It's that famous mobilizing
sentence that works on you guys
that I've been saying this whole time.
So thank you, millennials, for
lending your support to the
biggest outsider Jew in the race.
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
There's a lot of work to be
done, and that is why I am sick
and tired of hearing about
my own damn e-mails.
This message was paid for by
Hillary Clinton, feel the burn for her.
I'm whoever you want me to be,
and I approve this message.
- I'm trying here, guys.
- Welcome back to the kids
choice awards, orange carpet pre-show.
Only on Nick.
We're moments away from the
coolest, the messiest, the most
celeb packed awards show of the
season, the kids choice awards.
Hi, I'm Reese better,
and by my side, my BFF.
Jessie Kerk-Fatone
thanks Reese. Everyone
has been dying to know,
who will take home such
coveted awards as favorite
cartoon and coolest hairstyle, male.
Let's check in with are
young lady with the scoop
Brynlee Dobbs who's backstage
where all the action is, Brynlee.
The vibe back here is
literally electric.
I just saw dog with dog with a
blog take a selfie with iCarly
herself, Miranda cross grove
who's receiving a lifetime
achievement award.
I would love to chat, I have to
take my seat, I hope it's not
too close to the slime zone.
[Laughter]
I have a poncho just in case.
I heard a rumor fifth
harmony might need one too.
The carpet's winding down,
inside, things are just heating up.
Blake Shelton is about
to take the stage.
We're signing off, because the
kids choice awards start right now.
[Laughter]
Okay, it looks like maybe we
got a little excited there.
But who wouldn't be excited.
So many surprises in store.
They won't be surprises
for much longer.
Giddy up.
Cause the 29th annual the
kids choice awards starts
right now.
[Laughter]
And all the stars, all the
slime, and it's heating up.
Speaking of heating up, let's
throw to our chica with all the access.
Brynlee Dobbs.
Yes.
Guys, I'm backstage where
things are really heating up, I
think I might be busting a move.
So you know what slime it is,
the kids choice awards, only on
Nick are starting right now.
[Laughter]
Yeah, boy, off camera --
off camera, my producers are
making a lot of frantic hand
motions I do not understand.
On camera, I'm having a blast.
Let's go back to Reese and Jesse.
Love you guys.
Loves you too Brynlee.
A couple hiccups, but now we
can see we're 10 seconds out.
Good things are worth waiting for.
And the wait is finally over.
The kids choice awards
starts right now.
[Laughter]
It looks like the clock's
counting upwards now.
Don't know what that means.
We have a technical issue.
But you know what they say, time
flies when you're waiting for
the kids choice awards to start.
Brynlee what's cracking backstage.
All of it, dog with a blog,
iCarly, and all the stars.
And this man, Frankie Goodman
is part of the stage crew.
What do you do?
- Do you make the slime?
- I wish.
No, I'm here to hand
Blake Shelton this hat.
Yeah, boy.
We have rad gold hats back here.
Do you want me to try it on?
Are you Blake Shelton?
I don't think you are.
Don't touch the hat.
Geez, just trying to
fill the time here.
I'm told the clock is
fixed, yay it's official
the kids choice awards start right now.
Oh, my God, the clock is just
flashing 12, and none of my
producers are making
eye contact with me.
Reese and Jesse, I can't even, guys.
Neither can we.
But the kids choice awards
have got to be starting right now.
Right now.
Right now!?
Right now!
Please, right now.
Okay, clearly the awards are
not starting any time soon --
welcome to the 29th annual
kids choice awards.
[Cheers and applause]
♪ The world needs an anthem
for all of woman kind.
A song to fight a song to right ♪
♪ The wrongs of all of time
so we put pen to paper
and wrote all through the
night a gorgeous ode ♪
♪ To feminism well within our sights
but this is pretty nuanced
stuff and putting it all ♪
♪ In one song was tough and that's why
this is not a feminist song
we tried real hard but ♪
♪ It took too long this
is not a feminist song
cuz we were scared we
would do it wrong ♪
♪ We know women need an
anthem a song to call
their own but we didn't
write that anthem ♪
♪ We went home every
woman has a struggle
and every struggle's real
but just try and write ♪
♪ A song that captures
every woman's deal
so instead of writing
lyrics here's us running ♪
♪ In the sand and
here's a bunch of lens
flares and an old woman's hands ♪
♪ Not to call a woman old
or judge a woman's hands
we know old women shouldn't be
reduced to just her hands ♪
We stepped right into that
trap it's so hard to ♪
♪ Navigate this crap and that's why
this is not a feminist song
so technically it can't ♪
♪ Be wrong this is not a feminist song
I feel like we've been
singing so long ♪
♪ Our ancestors they fought for us
so they deserve a song but
this is not that song ♪
♪ So move along now
here's some powerful
footage for a song we did not write ♪
♪ It's Malala, Maya Angelou
and Madeline Albright
and RBG, she taught me
that women can be strong ♪
♪ And that women have
the right to choose
to bail on this whole song oh ♪
♪ And that's why this
is not a feminist song
we're just women singing a
song but doesn't that ♪
♪ Make it a feminist song?
I guess this was feminist all along
this is a feminist song ♪
♪ Tweet it, hashtag feminist song
where are the men in
this feminist song? ♪
♪ An excellent point now move along
cuz now its time for you at home ♪
♪ To weigh in on this song
and tell us if we
handled it all wrong ♪
♪ This tough and tricky
land-mine of a song ♪
[Cheers and applause]
♪♪
True tales from the sea.
From fishing boat captain,
Deacon Pritchard, 1906.
Caught in a storm, my crew and I
were thrown overboard,
sent to a watery grave.
But the next morning we
awoke on our boat deck.
The circumstances of our
rescue, not to be believed.
I'm alive.
Who plucked me from the sea.
- I did.
- My God.
- And I saved you.
- It can't be.
Who is my enchanting rescuer?
Me.
Oh, my God, what is that?
I'm a mermaid, man.
I'm Okira.
And I'm Correlle.
My name is Shud.
It's just like in the storybooks,
half woman, half fish.
Blue fish to be exact.
I am part marlin.
Me, I'm working with 35%
woman, 65% blob fish.
What are blob fish?
We live on the sea floor
deep in Mariana trench
made only of gelatin.
Hence my slick sheen.
Here's a picture of
my mom for reference.
[Laughter]
That was her on her wedding day.
I have her looks, thanks God.
My mermaid blows.
I believe in love at first
sight, for you are the most
beautiful creature I've laid
my eyes upon, Correlle.
You've captured my heart with a
mere flutter of your eyelash.
I'm waiting.
You're so beige.
Oh, thanks man.
Excuse me, I need to take a breath.
Nailed it, thank you.
Sweet ocean maidens, I would
do anything for you to walk
with us upon the land.
There is a way.
All it takes is a kiss.
Yes, yes, of course.
It would be an honor.
Can I just give her cash?
Now my sisters, let's
recite the enchanted spell.
If a mermaid kisses a human
male, a pair of legs
shall replace her tale.
And when she walks on land,
she will find her one true love.
A glob fish has two mouths.
One for breathing and one
for food absorption.
The human male should kiss the
food mouth which consists of
the whole face and front ass.
Can I give a hug or a high five?
This chick takes dumps
out of her mouth.
We are all sea sisters.
We all must receive a kiss
in order for it to work.
You kiss her Smith, that's an order.
Yeah just kiss your blob fish, Smith.
♪♪
Open wider, man. Come on.
♪♪
(Harmonizing lion king)
That was hot.
When we reach shore, our
transformation will be complete.
We are yours forever.
Blob fish live about 175 years FYI.
We shall marry this evening.
Set a course for sure.
Race you there.
Oh hey, man, mating wise, usually
a male attaches to my body
and I absorb his gonads.
And then his body fuses to my sheen.
But, we'll figure something out.
Wow it's so nice of you to work out
a way so my nuts don't melt off.
I'll see you soon baby.
(Loud defecating)
- Hey, are you looking down my shirt?
- Ew, no.
[Cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, ariana--
[cheers and applause]
♪♪
♪ don't need permission made
my decision to test my limits
cause it's my business ♪
♪ God as my witness
start what I finished
Don't need no hold up
taking control of ♪
♪ This kind of moment
I'm locked and loaded completely
focused my mind is open ♪
♪ All that you got,
skin to skin, oh my God
Don't ya stop, boy ♪
♪ Somethin bout you makes me
feel like a dangerous woman ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin
bout somethin bout you ♪
♪ Makes me wanna do things that
I shouldn't somethin bout ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin bout ♪
♪ Nothing to prove and
I'm bulletproof and know what I'm doing
the way we're movin' ♪
♪ Like introducing us to a new thing
I wanna savor, save it for later ♪
♪ The taste of flavor cause I'm
a taker cause I'm a giver ♪
♪ It's only nature I live for danger ♪
♪ All that you got, skin
to skin, oh my God don't ya stop, boy ♪
♪ Somethin bout you makes me feel like
a dangerous woman somethin bout ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin
bout you makes me wanna do ♪
♪ Things that I shouldn't somethin bout
somethin bout somethin bout you ♪
♪ All girls wanna be like that
bad girls underneath
like that you know ♪
♪ How I'm feeling inside somethin bout
somethin bout all girls wanna ♪
♪ Be like that bad girls
underneath like that you know ♪
♪ How I'm feeling inside
somethin bout somethin bout ♪
♪♪
♪ Somethin bout you
makes me feel like a
dangerous woman somethin bout ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin bout you
makes me wanna do things
that I shouldn't ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin
bout somethin bout you ♪
You know how I'm feeling inside ♪
♪♪
♪ Something bout something
bout something bout you ♪
♪♪
Something bout you ♪
It's weekend update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cheers and applause]
- Hello everyone.
- Welcome to weekend update.
- I'm Colin Jost.
- I'm Micheal Che,
and here are tonight's top stories.
Donald Trump had to cancel a
rally in Chicago last night
over security concerns.
Believe it or not, the most
racially divisive candidate
showed up to the most violent
city in the country and things
did not go smoothly.
[Laughter]
Who would have thought?
That when these people tried to
have a reasonable and productive
conversation with this lady,
somehow they couldn't
find common ground.
[Laughter]
What did they think
was going to happen?
She was going to lower her Nazi
salute to say, "Hey, you
make a good point, Kareem."
[Laughter]
Also, can we just talk about
how adorable this little
old racist lady is?
[Laughter]
She shouldn't be at a rally, she
should be at home teaching
her parrot the n-word.
[Laughter]
And where have I seen this lady before?
Oh, there she is.
[Laughter]
And then after that whole
incident in Chicago last night,
Donald Trump went to Ohio
this morning and did this.
The liberals hate the
conservatives, we have got
to change our thinking.
Yeah, and if there's a group out
there, just throw them the hell out.
That's okay.
[Cheers and applause]
He said get the hell out
and then did a twirl.
[Laughter]
Like Maury Povich just told
him he wasn't the father.
[Laughter]
And then later Trump bragged
people have been protesting him
his entire life, like
that's a normal good thing.
Like saying, this rash?
It's always been there.
Trump is like that guy who
says every single one of his
ex-girlfriends has been crazy.
I don't know, man, I
think it might be you.
By the way, if you're going
to a Trump rally to protest, God
bless you, because I am not.
[Laughter]
You will not see me at that
weird Nazi-prom getting punched
in the face by some strong
80-year-old racist.
[Laughter]
Look at this guy, he's been
dreaming of punching a
black dude since the first time
he heard jazz on the radio.
[Laughter]
During Thursdays republican debate
John Kasich stressed the
importance of legal immigration,
saying without it, he would be
running for president of Croatia.
Where incidentally, he's
also trailing by 30 points.
On Friday, Ben Carson endorsed
Donald Trump saying he has the
vision and energy to win.
No one knows more about vision
and energy than the guy who
looks like he just got hit
by a tranquilizer dart.
An analysis of this past
weekend's victory shows that
Bernie Sanders spent 48 cents per vote.
It would have been a dollar,
but he had a coupon.
[Laughter]
This Monday is the season
finale of The Bachelor.
Here to comment is one woman who
made quite an impression
early on in the season.
Please welcome the drunkest
contestant on The Bachelor.
[Cheers and applause]
It's very nice to meet you.
Now, close your eyes.
Okay.
I wanted to be the only
person to kiss you on update.
You want to know why?
Why.
Because I felt a connection
with you, Colin, ever since I
saw an opportunity to be on TV.
I'm getting emotional.
You think I'm crazy, you do.
No, no.
Not at all.
No, no, I just want to hear
about the finale of The Bachelor.
You're such a good guy.
And I knew you were worth it,
and I left something really good
because I thought maybe it would
be something really great.
And what did you leave?
Software sales in the
state of Colorado.
You think I'm crazy and I'm not.
Look at me, you haven't made eye
contact with me since we kissed.
You've been looking at Che
glancing at cue cards the whole time.
[Laughter]
I'm still here, I need to
see that you respect that.
I promise you, I respect that.
I'm so glad that you just said that.
Because I know that I am great TV.
I mean, a great woman.
[Laughter]
So let's start over.
Can I get a second chance kiss?
No.
And if Leslie Jones hears
about this, we're both dead.
I'm not here to talk about other women.
I'm here so other women
can talk about me.
And I'm not crazy.
I don't think that you're crazy.
I never would say that.
I'm not crazy.
Okay no one here is --
[laughter]
You have such a beautiful smile.
[Laughter]
- Look, I'm very --
- I'm not --
I'm very sorry that you did
not win The Bachelor this season, okay?
Don't be sorry, this isn't
my last reality show.
I'll be on TV again, because
I'm a wide awake nightmare.
The drunkest contestant on
"The Bachelor" everyone.
[Cheers and applause]
A seafood wholesaler in Maine
has acquired a rare four
clawed lobster and in other
news, a woman's dog has
been missing since Halloween.
Peyton Manning announced his
retirement from football this
week, explained Manning, I'd
rather not get brain damage.
New York's MTA has unveiled
new high-tech city buses
that feature USB ports.
As in, "hey, on the bus today I
saw a guy put his penis
in the USB port."
[Laughter]
The makers of the beer dos
equis announced, that they are
retiring their famous "most
interesting man in the world"
ad campaign.
He will go back to his original
name, Greg the lying alcoholic.
[Laughter]
March is women's history month.
So ladies, that cake is
not going to bake itself.
[Audience ohs]
[Laughter]
Before you ladies get angry
and send a bunch of messages
about how sexist that joke is,
let me just remind you,
finish baking that cake.
Colin.
Don't throw it to me!
Happy Birthday to mitt Romney
who today turns 69, which
for Mormons is a sin.
[Laughter and applause]
A new study suggests that
heavier women get paid
less than thinner women.
That is, unless Che's
at the strip club.
[Laughter]
[Laughter and applause]
And they say black guys don't tip.
A man in Brazil says that a
penguin he rescued five years
ago, swims more than 5,000 Miles
every year just to visit him.
That's how good the sex is.
[Laughter]
A gang of drug dealers in
Amsterdam were reportedly storing --
- hey, yo, Che.
Hey, yo, Che.
Reportedly storing 300,000
Euros -- - come on, man.
I got a copy of Batman hates superman.
Come on, man.
I think they got a
wonder woman in there!
You're in the shot.
You're ruining this.
Are we live right now?
Are we live at 5:00?
Yo introduce me then.
I'm sorry, it's my friend
from high school Riblet.
[Cheers and applause]
What's up!
It's Riblet, baby!
Living clean in 2016, yeah!
[Laughter]
I'm in the middle of a
live show here, man.
I don't have time to go
to the movies with you.
What, yo, you never got
time for Riblet no more.
- Come on, now.
- I got a job, dude.
You a punk man, get someone
to cover your shift man,
that's what I did at friendly's.
And they're the home of the fribble.
Riblet, this isn't exactly friendly's.
You can't just do this job.
Please.
This job ain't that hard.
Yo, check it, watch this?
Yo, give me a key on three, baby boy.
How do you know Don?
A massive sinkhole opened
up in the parking lot of a
Mississippi IHOP, swallowing
more than a dozen cars.
If there's one thing you don't
expect when you're eating at a
Mississippi IHOP, it's to sink lower.
Oooh!
[Laughter and applause]
Oh maybe I got you Jorb!
Hurry up, Che, table
four needs a fribble.
You don't know where table four is?
Well, trick question,
table four is a booth!
[Laughter]
That wasn't a question or a
trick, can you just please go, man?
I'm serious. - I'm serious about
watching this movie, man.
Lex Luthor got hairs now,
I'm fixin' to find out why.
Let's keep this train rolling, my dude!
Yo, Don, break me off
something topical man.
Why are you helping him?
[Laughter]
Some native American groups
are upset with a new
J.K. Rowling story that they say
is disrespectful to their culture.
You can tell from the title,
"Harry Potter and the cursed blankets."
Oooh!
[Laughter]
That ain't even a real
book, I photoshopped it!
It ain't even there, look.
It's ghost news!
You know, there's a lot more
to this job than just reading jokes.
- Oh, really. - Yeah, it is. - Really?
Okay, man, I stand corrected.
I guess I hadn't thought of that, okay?
I guess -- I did not.
I'm apologizing.
I guess you would have to
surprising moves every week.
I guess you would.
I'm getting something in
my ear from the booth.
We have a special report.
Let's go live to our man
on the street, Riblet.
Riblet?
Riblet St. James here reporting
from the lower east side.
The line started forming days
ago and it has been a revolving
door of random men, in and out
of this building all weekend long.
Whatever they are lining up for,
they can't seem to get enough, Riblet.
And where did you say
you were again, Riblet?
I am currently outside
Che's mama's house!
Damn!
Yo, sign it off, Riblet.
- Do your thing.
- This is Riblet St. James,
good night and have a
pleasant tomorrow.
Back to you, Riblet.
[Cheers and applause]
My friend from high school,
Riblet, everybody.
For weekend update, I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost, good night.
All right, control, it's
time for the 3:00 P.M.
Tidal systems check.
Drake stream.
Running smooth, sir.
Coldplay?
No lag time.
- Full bit rate.
- Billy Joel?
No fire started over here.
Swing and a miss.
Here's your coffee, sir.
- Thank you, Chloe.
- It's another incident free
day here at Tidal music streaming.
What the hell was that?
Looks like the power's out, sir.
Back up generator is up and running.
Let's do a systems check.
- One direction?
- All good sir.
- Kendrick Lamar?
- Coming through loud and clear.
Britney Spears?
Looks like we're going to lose
Britney Spears stream in 30 seconds.
We already biffed the Kanye
and Rihanna album releases.
We can't afford another
glitch what do you do!?
Sir, I heard Chloe the intern
singing some Britney Spears hallway.
Is that true, Chloe, can you
sing like Britney Spears?
Kind of.
Bradley open the channel.
The future of Tidal is in your hands.
But I'm shy.
Well try damn it!
People need their Britney Spears.
♪ Oh, baby baby how
was I suppose to know
that something wasn't right ♪
♪ Oh, baby baby I shouldn't
have let you go.
And now you're out of sight, yeah ♪
Back on. Britney Spears
is up and running.
[Cheers and applause]
That was close.
Well done Chloe.
Oh, no, sir, we're about to
lose the Shakira stream.
Perfect.
Chloe's Hispanic.
That's a common mistake, I'm
actually just very, very Italian.
Can you do Shakira?
I can try.
♪♪
Le do, lo Le, lo Le can't
you see I'm at your feet
♪ whenever whenever we're
meant to be together ♪
♪ I'll be there and you'll be here ♪
And that's the deal my dear.
Back on.
Shakira is online and streaming.
Job well done.
- You need some water?
- No time, sir.
The Ariana Grande channel is down, sir.
Chloe? Can you do Ariana Grande?
Eh sorry, not a big fan.
Forget it, we just lost a
big one, Rihanna's down.
Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna.
♪ (Harmonizing Rihanna) ♪
We're back on.
The Rihanna stream is
rebuffered and good to go.
Was that okay?
I truly don't know what she's saying.
Hey, nobody does.
Uh-oh, I got bad news, boss.
The '90s diva play list is glitching.
Can you handle it?
That's a lot of woman.
There's only one way to find out.
We just lost Celine Dion.
♪ There were nights when
the wind was so cold ♪
♪ My body laid in bed and I
listened to it right
outside the window ♪
Shall we go for it?
Back on. Celine Dion is 100%.
but now we're losing Whitney Houston.
Oh, come on.
Take us home.
♪ And I wish you joy and happiness ♪
♪ But above all else I wish you love ♪
♪ And I will always love you ♪
♪ I will forever love you ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Back on. The power's fully restored.
All streams are up and running.
You did it, Chloe.
Jay Z would be proud.
Yeah, you bet I am.
Mickelson, you was Jay
Z this whole time?
Yeah.
I wanted to see how my company
was doing, undercover
boss style, you know?
Yo, Chloe, you single-handedly
just saved Tidal.
- You said you was just an intern?
- Yes.
That's great , can you give
me a venti cappuccino?
I'll take a Grande coffee.
Right away!
♪♪
It's time to play family
feud, celebrity addition.
Here's your host, Steve Harvey.
Okay.
Okay now.
Welcome to celebrity family feud.
It's one of about four different
daytime shows that I host.
Every one of them playing right
now on that little TV that you
can watch while you pumping your gas.
Today we have great actors
versus great directors.
And on the actors side, talks
like a man, but PH
balanced like a woman.
It's Jennifer Lawrence.
They told me into the to do a
game show, but I was like screw
it, I'm a regular person.
You know, you say you're a
regular person more than any
regular person I know.
All right, next, she's one of
the top actresses in all of
outer space, Tilda Swinton.
I won a MAFTA.
That's a BAFTA they give on the moon.
Whatever you say, David bowie.
Next, from no country for old mens.
Say hello to Javier Bardem.
It is a wonderful this
to play this game.
I am very aroused by competition.
Oh, you a spicy little pot
of payaya aren't you.
And finally, I don't know if
I've every heard of this person.
But he was in a movie called
"beasts of no nation"
let me try and pronounce this right.
Mellis Dellis - well actually
the names Idris Elba mate.
I've been around, you know.
It's all clicks and buzzers, player.
Let's go to the director side.
He's a maniac who's made some
of my favorite movies,
Quentin Tarantino.
Hey, Steve.
This is good, it's kind of like
a spaghetti Western, but
there's prizes at the end.
Take it down, player.
For us it's 10:00 in the
morning, but for you it's day three.
Next, we got the director of
Raging Bull and Goodfellas,
Martin Scorsese.
Great to be here Steve really
really great, love the suit.
Classic styling I love it.
I'm a big fan of your work, I
loved you as the grandfather in up.
Next you know him from Andy hall,
Hannah and her sisters and
that whole thing where he went
ahead and married his
daughter, Woody Allen.
Thank you, Steve, while I
appreciate the comprehensive
introduction, what's past is past.
Both parties are at peace.
Let's move on.
Whatever you say, big love.
And finally, from Jay and silent
Bob strike back, it's Kevin Smith.
Hello, folks, it's the
fat man on Batman.
Thanks having me on the podcast Steve.
Podcast?
Are you high right now?
Oh hell yeah!
Well okay then player, I'll meet
you in the parking lot after the show.
Let's play the feud.
- How are you feeling?
- Good.
Great. Really great.
Great, man.
You two look like you
should switch voices.
100 people surveyed.
Top five answers on the board.
Name a bad habit you just can't quit?
I'm a snack-aholic I
love Pringles, when no
one's looking I'll eat the whole can.
Like every day is my cheat
day, you know what I mean?
How annoyingly relatable.
Show me another pretty girl
that says she likes to eat.
Number one, it's up there.
Let's go to the actors side.
Now, Tilda Swinton, what's a
bad habit you just can't quit?
Feasting on the blood of innocence.
I'm kidding. Cookies.
Oh you a curious little woodpecker.
Show me a vampire's got to feed.
Not there, Javier Bardem.
A bad habit you just can't quit.
This one is very obvious,
you know, beautiful women.
Oh, you're a hopeless romantic?
Yeah.
Show me gotta get that ass!
[Buzzer]
I'm sorry, player.
Let's go over the black Jason Statham.
A bad habit you just can't quit.
You have to stop running
around the pubs, you
know, cut down a bit.
That's it blood, that's it.
Might as well be under water.
Show me something that
might be English.
[Buzzer]
Yeah, I didn't think so.
The directors with a chance to steal.
A bad habit you can't quit.
All good answers.
Quentin it's up to you.
There are so many
possibilities here, Steve.
You can't look at the
possibilities, you have to look
at your own unique reality.
For me, it's like trying for
perfection every time, man.
You get that, Steve.
You get what I'm saying?
Oh, I hear you, player.
I know exactly what
you're trying to say.
Show me cocaine.
[Laughter and applause]
The directors win like
always, we going to take a
break, when we come back, I'll
give you a sneak preview of my
new show, that I'm hosting where
kids fight each other on the stage.
We'll see you all in a minute.
Okay, once again, Ariana Grande.
♪♪
♪ Midnight shadows we're
finding love it's the battle ♪
♪ But the daylight is so close ♪
♪ So don't you worry about a
thing babe we'll be alright ♪
♪ Hey babe we'll be alright ♪
♪ Yeah yeah ♪
♪ Baby don't you know
all of them tears gon'
come and go ♪
♪ Baby you just gotta make up your mind
that every little things
gonna be alright ♪
♪ Baby don't you know
all of them tears gon'
come and go ♪
♪ Baby you just gotta make up your mind
we decided baby be all right ♪
♪♪
♪ Hey babe we'll be alright ♪
♪ Yeah yeah ♪
♪ Oh baby babe we'll be alright ♪
♪ Oh nothing can seem to
get us where were going ♪
♪ But the high tides are flowing ♪
♪ Cause they all lead to better days ♪
♪ When I'll be all right
hey
hey
when I'll be all right ♪
♪ Oh yeah oh baby ♪
♪ We're gonna be alright ♪
♪ All those cares gonna up and
go I don't mind all right ♪
♪ All those tears gonna up and go ♪
♪ I don't mind woooh
know that we gonna be all right ♪
♪ You know that we gonna be all right ♪
Know that we gonna be all right ♪
♪ We gonna be all right ♪
♪ Hey wooooh
oh yeah ♪
♪ We gonna be all right baby ♪
♪♪
♪ We're gonna be all right yeah ♪
♪♪
[Cheers and applause]
We now return to a special
presentation of "the sound of music."
Where is sister Maria,
she's late for chore time.
And she missed her morning prayers.
Oh, what are we going
to do about that girl?
♪♪
♪ She climbs a tree and
scrapes her knee ♪
♪ Her dress has got a tear ♪
She waltzes on her way to mass
she whistles on the stair ♪
♪ And underneath her wimple
she has curlers in her hair ♪
♪ I've even heard her
singing in the abbey ♪
♪ How do you solve a problem
like Maria how do you catch a
cloud and pin it down ♪
♪ How do you find the
word that means Maria ♪
♪ A flibbertijibbit, a
will-o'-the-wisp, a clown ♪
♪ Oh, how do you solve
a problem like Maria ♪
♪ How do you hold a moon
beam in your hand ♪
Wow!
Good too hear this, a bunch of
nuns singing smack about me.
Maria, we didn't see you there.
Yeah, I know you didn't.
But I heard everything.
And you thought Maria
was a problem before?
Well, buckle up.
Goodness, you're being
a bit sensitive Maria.
We weren't saying anything
negative about you.
Oh, yeah, then what's the song called?
It doesn't really have a name.
Do not front with me right now.
Fine, it's called how do you
solve a problem like Maria.
Wow.
What wow!?
It's not about you.
It's about a different Maria.
Maria Gertzenschwartzenwarz.
Nun, please.
I know you all sing shade
about me all the time.
This is the first and only
time we've ever sung it.
So you guys just made up that
four part harmony with light
choreography on the spot?
Okay.
But weren't we merrily discussing how
to best guide our youngest
sister on her path.
Nunti, why are you coming for me so.
What is this thing you're
doing with your hands?
It's a thing I made up so
people know when I've had it.
And y'all nuns are about to get read.
Well, I think you're
being a very rude girl.
It's your fault for calling
me a will-o'-the-wisp.
And I know what that word means.
I didn't mean it like that.
It's like, you you know when you call
a friend a will-o'-the-wisp
but it's more like oh you my
will-o'-the-wisp girl!
We say it to each
other, it's empowering.
Right my will-o'-the-wisp?
Oh see, that's all we
were saying, Maria.
Um-hum.
I guess I'll just have to
take your word for it.
Now, if you'll excuse me I
have to get to my chores.
♪ Unpredictable as weather ♪
♪ As flighty as a feather ♪
♪ She's a darling she's a demon ♪
She's a, oh she's back!
Wow!
I was literally gone for two seconds.
Okay fine, Maria, we
confess we talk about you.
You give us no choice.
♪♪
- ♪ You climb a tree ♪
- Wow!
Stop starting the song!
You know what, I don't need this.
I got hooked up with a gig
baby-sitting seven children,
which literally sounds like a
vacation compared to you virgins.
♪ Which would bring us back
to -- bye-bye bye-bye bye Maria out ♪
[Cheers and applause]
I have a feeling none
of us will miss her.
None?
- You guys get it?
- Oh, you are so bad.
Thank you Larry David!
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you Lorne, thank you SNL.
This has been the best!
Thank you bye!
synced and corrected
by peritta
by peritta
♪♪
[Cheers and applause]
Hello, I'm Jake Tapper, if you
google me, you'll see me in a T-shirt.
But first, another big endorsement
for Donald Trump, as
former rival Ben Carson
has agreed to throw his
support to the businessman.
We go now to Florida, where
Trump has just taken the stage.
[Applause]
Thank you.
My guest today is so tremendous.
Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man.
And for once, I don't mean that
as an insult to the
mentally challenged.
Why don't you come out here, Ben.
Come on.
[Applause]
I am so thrilled to be here today.
I am positively turned.
Yes, Donald and I are very different.
We're like night and
day, ebony and orangey.
Sure, we've had our -- you know,
we've had our polite disagreements.
I question his knowledge on
health care, and he called me a
psycho and a child molester.
Hey in my defense, he's
a pretty creepy dude.
I mean, look at this guy, he
looks like he drives a hollowed
out ice cream truck.
What my point is, I have
learned there are two Donald Trumps.
There's the man you see every
night on stage for eight months.
A guy who calls people losers
and brags about his penis.
But there's also the friendly man I
had breakfast with earlier
today for ten minutes.
He gave me a muffin.
Okay, that's enough for now.
Let's get this guy a
juice box and a nap.
Bye, America.
It's been weird.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
And there it is.
Turning out for the democrats,
Bernie Sanders pulled off a huge
upset in Michigan this week.
Joining us via satellite
from his hotel in Illinois,
is senator Bernie Sanders.
[Applause]
Yes yes, hello.
Hello. Good for me.
Mr. Wonderful.
Mr. Presidential Candidate.
Congratulations on your big
win in Michigan, senator.
Thank you, Tapper.
I want to thank everyone who
voted for me, and apologize to
everyone else for making your
Facebook feeds so, so annoying.
I mean, I love my supporters,
but they're too much, right?
I'm great, but I'm not
five posts a day great.
With all due respect to my
supporters, get a life.
Now, how do you think you
pulled out such an upset victory?
Well Tapper, I spent a
lot of time in Michigan.
I don't know if you're aware of this,
but they give you ten
cents for recycled cans.
I made a fortune.
Now, senator, you may have won
Michigan, but Hillary still
leads you in delegates
and super delegates?
Can I ask you something?
What's a super delegate?
Who calls themselves
that, it's so cocky.
They walk around like
they're such big shots.
I beg your pardon, Mr. super delegate.
Let me tell you something,
I've met some of these super
delegates, they're not so super,
mediocre delegates is more like it.
Senator, many think you need
these super delegates
to win the nomination.
Not true, no. Not true.
I have the voters, my message is
resonating with a very diverse
group of white people.
[Laughter]
And I have supporters of all
ages, 18-year-olds, 19-year-olds.
[Laughter]
That's it.
The young people love me,
Tapper, because I'm like them.
I have a lot of big plans, and
absolutely no idea how to achieve them.
[Applause]
You're still struggling with
minorities, why do you think
African-Americans
aren't voting for you?
Probably because I look like
someone who at some point told
them, get out of my store.
[Laughter]
And finally, senator, Florida
votes on Tuesday, you haven't
spent much time there.
Can you blame me? Who wants
to spend time in Florida?
The only reason you go to
Florida is if your sister calls
and says, mom's dead, we
got to go to Florida.
[Laughter]
All right, thank you, senator.
[Cheers and applause]
Breaking news right now, we're
getting word now of yet
another incident of violence
at a Donald Trump rally.
Apparently the victim was this man, Dr.
Ben Carson, who was
attacked moments ago by an angry
mob that mistook him for a protester.
We go there now.
It's okay, I'm fine.
Guys, what did I say?
Not this one.
[Applause]
This is one of the good ones.
[Laughter]
I'm sorry, Ben.
Hey, they're just lucky I
don't have my knife on me.
I've been known to cut a bitch.
Don't worry, we have a very
classy Trump steak on his eye.
And to the media, please don't
use this as an excuse
to call me racist.
Donald actually got a lot of
black friends, Omarosa, Dennis Rodman.
The list goes on.
Mike Tyson.
The list ends.
Quite a scene.
Now, let's check back in
with senator Bernie Sanders.
What? No, no.
Get out of here.
Don't -- don't cut back to me.
Get, get away.
Senator, are you in your pajamas?
Of course I'm in pajamas,
it's bedtime, you idiot.
You said you were finished,
so I got in pajamas.
How did you change so fast?
I always wear them under my suit.
That's why my suits are so baggy.
Now, please, if you don't mind.
Live from New York,
it's Saturday night!
[Cheers and applause]
It's "Saturday night live."
♪♪
With --
host and musical guest, Ariana Grande.
♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana Grande.
♪♪
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you guys so much, I'm
Ariana Grande, I'm a singer, not
a Starbucks drink.
I'm so honored and excited
to be hosting and
performing tonight.
It's been a dream of mine to
be on this stage ever since I
was a little girl, which
was two months ago.
I've been singing and
acting since I was eight.
I started my career on kids
TV, doing nickelodeon.
Yes, indeed.
[Cheers and applause]
What an amazing place to
launch a career, am I right?
That's right Kenan,
we both started doing
nickelodeon shows, but
of course that's not
the only thing people
know us for any more.
Well speak for yourself, I've been
on this show for 13 damn years and
people still ask me twice
a week, where's Kel.
I loved you guys, do you
still stay in touch?
A little bit!
[Cheers and applause]
Yeah, it can be tough going
up in show business.
A lot of stars end up
doing drugs, are in
jail, pregnant or get caught
licking a doughnut they didn't pay for.
Which yes was childish and stupid
I've learned that it's really
time to grow up, I think I'm in
a place where I'm ready to be
caught in a real adult scandal.
A real scandal, you know,
something to take my
career to the next level.
Something that says
welcome to Hollywood kid.
Miley's had them, Bieber's had them.
Everyone's had them.
Each day I sit by my window and
dream, when will my scandal be.
Thank you.
[Laughter]
♪ They'll say she's a hot mess ♪
♪ Or what a disgrace ♪
♪ They'll say is that Botox
in her butt or in her face ♪
[Laughter]
♪ That tweet about the Jews
was in really poor taste ♪
♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪
♪ Maybe I'll throw a fit in an L.A.
hotel ♪
♪ And make life for the
staff a true living hell ♪
♪ I'll puke in the pool ♪
♪ Or pimp slap Adele ♪
♪ So what will my scandal be ♪
Ariana, I was just in your
dressing room smelling all your
clothes, you just left
your cell phone out, girl.
You have to be careful, someone could hack
into it and post everything on the Internet.
Oh, my God, that would be amazing.
No, no, no.
When I was a little girl, my
mama told me a would grow up and
make millions of strangers mad at me.
And now it's finally
happening, thank you.
♪ Maybe diet pills will
scramble my brain ♪
♪ I'll light up in first class
and get kicked off a plane ♪
♪ Maybe I'll have a love child
with Drake or 2 Chainz ♪
♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪
Hey, Ariana, I overhead you wanna
smoke some pot or something?
Pot? Let's smoke some crack, man.
I'm good.
♪ Imagine what they'll say
imagine what they'll write ♪
♪ I could slip a nip at the
super bowl and ruin my career ♪
Over night ♪
♪ Scandal ♪
♪ My very own ♪
♪ Scandal ♪
♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪
[Cheers and applause]
We have a great show, so
stick around, we'll be right back.
As millennials, your
voice is important.
You're the ones who will decide
this election, because
there are so many of you.
So, so many.
And luckily, I, Hillary Clinton
share all of your exact same
beliefs, and I always have.
Since the beginning of my
campaign I have constantly said
we need a revolution in the streets.
Millions of people coming
together because America should
be for everyone, not just a
handful of millionaires
and billionaires.
I know you millennials, you're
fired up, you're angry.
And I'm angry too.
Because the top 10% of the top
1% controls 90% of the
wealth in this country.
[Laughter]
And I've always said that.
Ever since I was a young boy
growing up in Brooklyn.
Oh Brooklyn.
And when it comes to that
darn wall street, I've always
believed no bank can
be too big to fail.
No executives too -- you know the rest.
It's that famous mobilizing
sentence that works on you guys
that I've been saying this whole time.
So thank you, millennials, for
lending your support to the
biggest outsider Jew in the race.
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
There's a lot of work to be
done, and that is why I am sick
and tired of hearing about
my own damn e-mails.
This message was paid for by
Hillary Clinton, feel the burn for her.
I'm whoever you want me to be,
and I approve this message.
- I'm trying here, guys.
- Welcome back to the kids
choice awards, orange carpet pre-show.
Only on Nick.
We're moments away from the
coolest, the messiest, the most
celeb packed awards show of the
season, the kids choice awards.
Hi, I'm Reese better,
and by my side, my BFF.
Jessie Kerk-Fatone
thanks Reese. Everyone
has been dying to know,
who will take home such
coveted awards as favorite
cartoon and coolest hairstyle, male.
Let's check in with are
young lady with the scoop
Brynlee Dobbs who's backstage
where all the action is, Brynlee.
The vibe back here is
literally electric.
I just saw dog with dog with a
blog take a selfie with iCarly
herself, Miranda cross grove
who's receiving a lifetime
achievement award.
I would love to chat, I have to
take my seat, I hope it's not
too close to the slime zone.
[Laughter]
I have a poncho just in case.
I heard a rumor fifth
harmony might need one too.
The carpet's winding down,
inside, things are just heating up.
Blake Shelton is about
to take the stage.
We're signing off, because the
kids choice awards start right now.
[Laughter]
Okay, it looks like maybe we
got a little excited there.
But who wouldn't be excited.
So many surprises in store.
They won't be surprises
for much longer.
Giddy up.
Cause the 29th annual the
kids choice awards starts
right now.
[Laughter]
And all the stars, all the
slime, and it's heating up.
Speaking of heating up, let's
throw to our chica with all the access.
Brynlee Dobbs.
Yes.
Guys, I'm backstage where
things are really heating up, I
think I might be busting a move.
So you know what slime it is,
the kids choice awards, only on
Nick are starting right now.
[Laughter]
Yeah, boy, off camera --
off camera, my producers are
making a lot of frantic hand
motions I do not understand.
On camera, I'm having a blast.
Let's go back to Reese and Jesse.
Love you guys.
Loves you too Brynlee.
A couple hiccups, but now we
can see we're 10 seconds out.
Good things are worth waiting for.
And the wait is finally over.
The kids choice awards
starts right now.
[Laughter]
It looks like the clock's
counting upwards now.
Don't know what that means.
We have a technical issue.
But you know what they say, time
flies when you're waiting for
the kids choice awards to start.
Brynlee what's cracking backstage.
All of it, dog with a blog,
iCarly, and all the stars.
And this man, Frankie Goodman
is part of the stage crew.
What do you do?
- Do you make the slime?
- I wish.
No, I'm here to hand
Blake Shelton this hat.
Yeah, boy.
We have rad gold hats back here.
Do you want me to try it on?
Are you Blake Shelton?
I don't think you are.
Don't touch the hat.
Geez, just trying to
fill the time here.
I'm told the clock is
fixed, yay it's official
the kids choice awards start right now.
Oh, my God, the clock is just
flashing 12, and none of my
producers are making
eye contact with me.
Reese and Jesse, I can't even, guys.
Neither can we.
But the kids choice awards
have got to be starting right now.
Right now.
Right now!?
Right now!
Please, right now.
Okay, clearly the awards are
not starting any time soon --
welcome to the 29th annual
kids choice awards.
[Cheers and applause]
♪ The world needs an anthem
for all of woman kind.
A song to fight a song to right ♪
♪ The wrongs of all of time
so we put pen to paper
and wrote all through the
night a gorgeous ode ♪
♪ To feminism well within our sights
but this is pretty nuanced
stuff and putting it all ♪
♪ In one song was tough and that's why
this is not a feminist song
we tried real hard but ♪
♪ It took too long this
is not a feminist song
cuz we were scared we
would do it wrong ♪
♪ We know women need an
anthem a song to call
their own but we didn't
write that anthem ♪
♪ We went home every
woman has a struggle
and every struggle's real
but just try and write ♪
♪ A song that captures
every woman's deal
so instead of writing
lyrics here's us running ♪
♪ In the sand and
here's a bunch of lens
flares and an old woman's hands ♪
♪ Not to call a woman old
or judge a woman's hands
we know old women shouldn't be
reduced to just her hands ♪
We stepped right into that
trap it's so hard to ♪
♪ Navigate this crap and that's why
this is not a feminist song
so technically it can't ♪
♪ Be wrong this is not a feminist song
I feel like we've been
singing so long ♪
♪ Our ancestors they fought for us
so they deserve a song but
this is not that song ♪
♪ So move along now
here's some powerful
footage for a song we did not write ♪
♪ It's Malala, Maya Angelou
and Madeline Albright
and RBG, she taught me
that women can be strong ♪
♪ And that women have
the right to choose
to bail on this whole song oh ♪
♪ And that's why this
is not a feminist song
we're just women singing a
song but doesn't that ♪
♪ Make it a feminist song?
I guess this was feminist all along
this is a feminist song ♪
♪ Tweet it, hashtag feminist song
where are the men in
this feminist song? ♪
♪ An excellent point now move along
cuz now its time for you at home ♪
♪ To weigh in on this song
and tell us if we
handled it all wrong ♪
♪ This tough and tricky
land-mine of a song ♪
[Cheers and applause]
♪♪
True tales from the sea.
From fishing boat captain,
Deacon Pritchard, 1906.
Caught in a storm, my crew and I
were thrown overboard,
sent to a watery grave.
But the next morning we
awoke on our boat deck.
The circumstances of our
rescue, not to be believed.
I'm alive.
Who plucked me from the sea.
- I did.
- My God.
- And I saved you.
- It can't be.
Who is my enchanting rescuer?
Me.
Oh, my God, what is that?
I'm a mermaid, man.
I'm Okira.
And I'm Correlle.
My name is Shud.
It's just like in the storybooks,
half woman, half fish.
Blue fish to be exact.
I am part marlin.
Me, I'm working with 35%
woman, 65% blob fish.
What are blob fish?
We live on the sea floor
deep in Mariana trench
made only of gelatin.
Hence my slick sheen.
Here's a picture of
my mom for reference.
[Laughter]
That was her on her wedding day.
I have her looks, thanks God.
My mermaid blows.
I believe in love at first
sight, for you are the most
beautiful creature I've laid
my eyes upon, Correlle.
You've captured my heart with a
mere flutter of your eyelash.
I'm waiting.
You're so beige.
Oh, thanks man.
Excuse me, I need to take a breath.
Nailed it, thank you.
Sweet ocean maidens, I would
do anything for you to walk
with us upon the land.
There is a way.
All it takes is a kiss.
Yes, yes, of course.
It would be an honor.
Can I just give her cash?
Now my sisters, let's
recite the enchanted spell.
If a mermaid kisses a human
male, a pair of legs
shall replace her tale.
And when she walks on land,
she will find her one true love.
A glob fish has two mouths.
One for breathing and one
for food absorption.
The human male should kiss the
food mouth which consists of
the whole face and front ass.
Can I give a hug or a high five?
This chick takes dumps
out of her mouth.
We are all sea sisters.
We all must receive a kiss
in order for it to work.
You kiss her Smith, that's an order.
Yeah just kiss your blob fish, Smith.
♪♪
Open wider, man. Come on.
♪♪
(Harmonizing lion king)
That was hot.
When we reach shore, our
transformation will be complete.
We are yours forever.
Blob fish live about 175 years FYI.
We shall marry this evening.
Set a course for sure.
Race you there.
Oh hey, man, mating wise, usually
a male attaches to my body
and I absorb his gonads.
And then his body fuses to my sheen.
But, we'll figure something out.
Wow it's so nice of you to work out
a way so my nuts don't melt off.
I'll see you soon baby.
(Loud defecating)
- Hey, are you looking down my shirt?
- Ew, no.
[Cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, ariana--
[cheers and applause]
♪♪
♪ don't need permission made
my decision to test my limits
cause it's my business ♪
♪ God as my witness
start what I finished
Don't need no hold up
taking control of ♪
♪ This kind of moment
I'm locked and loaded completely
focused my mind is open ♪
♪ All that you got,
skin to skin, oh my God
Don't ya stop, boy ♪
♪ Somethin bout you makes me
feel like a dangerous woman ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin
bout somethin bout you ♪
♪ Makes me wanna do things that
I shouldn't somethin bout ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin bout ♪
♪ Nothing to prove and
I'm bulletproof and know what I'm doing
the way we're movin' ♪
♪ Like introducing us to a new thing
I wanna savor, save it for later ♪
♪ The taste of flavor cause I'm
a taker cause I'm a giver ♪
♪ It's only nature I live for danger ♪
♪ All that you got, skin
to skin, oh my God don't ya stop, boy ♪
♪ Somethin bout you makes me feel like
a dangerous woman somethin bout ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin
bout you makes me wanna do ♪
♪ Things that I shouldn't somethin bout
somethin bout somethin bout you ♪
♪ All girls wanna be like that
bad girls underneath
like that you know ♪
♪ How I'm feeling inside somethin bout
somethin bout all girls wanna ♪
♪ Be like that bad girls
underneath like that you know ♪
♪ How I'm feeling inside
somethin bout somethin bout ♪
♪♪
♪ Somethin bout you
makes me feel like a
dangerous woman somethin bout ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin bout you
makes me wanna do things
that I shouldn't ♪
♪ Somethin bout somethin
bout somethin bout you ♪
You know how I'm feeling inside ♪
♪♪
♪ Something bout something
bout something bout you ♪
♪♪
Something bout you ♪
It's weekend update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cheers and applause]
- Hello everyone.
- Welcome to weekend update.
- I'm Colin Jost.
- I'm Micheal Che,
and here are tonight's top stories.
Donald Trump had to cancel a
rally in Chicago last night
over security concerns.
Believe it or not, the most
racially divisive candidate
showed up to the most violent
city in the country and things
did not go smoothly.
[Laughter]
Who would have thought?
That when these people tried to
have a reasonable and productive
conversation with this lady,
somehow they couldn't
find common ground.
[Laughter]
What did they think
was going to happen?
She was going to lower her Nazi
salute to say, "Hey, you
make a good point, Kareem."
[Laughter]
Also, can we just talk about
how adorable this little
old racist lady is?
[Laughter]
She shouldn't be at a rally, she
should be at home teaching
her parrot the n-word.
[Laughter]
And where have I seen this lady before?
Oh, there she is.
[Laughter]
And then after that whole
incident in Chicago last night,
Donald Trump went to Ohio
this morning and did this.
The liberals hate the
conservatives, we have got
to change our thinking.
Yeah, and if there's a group out
there, just throw them the hell out.
That's okay.
[Cheers and applause]
He said get the hell out
and then did a twirl.
[Laughter]
Like Maury Povich just told
him he wasn't the father.
[Laughter]
And then later Trump bragged
people have been protesting him
his entire life, like
that's a normal good thing.
Like saying, this rash?
It's always been there.
Trump is like that guy who
says every single one of his
ex-girlfriends has been crazy.
I don't know, man, I
think it might be you.
By the way, if you're going
to a Trump rally to protest, God
bless you, because I am not.
[Laughter]
You will not see me at that
weird Nazi-prom getting punched
in the face by some strong
80-year-old racist.
[Laughter]
Look at this guy, he's been
dreaming of punching a
black dude since the first time
he heard jazz on the radio.
[Laughter]
During Thursdays republican debate
John Kasich stressed the
importance of legal immigration,
saying without it, he would be
running for president of Croatia.
Where incidentally, he's
also trailing by 30 points.
On Friday, Ben Carson endorsed
Donald Trump saying he has the
vision and energy to win.
No one knows more about vision
and energy than the guy who
looks like he just got hit
by a tranquilizer dart.
An analysis of this past
weekend's victory shows that
Bernie Sanders spent 48 cents per vote.
It would have been a dollar,
but he had a coupon.
[Laughter]
This Monday is the season
finale of The Bachelor.
Here to comment is one woman who
made quite an impression
early on in the season.
Please welcome the drunkest
contestant on The Bachelor.
[Cheers and applause]
It's very nice to meet you.
Now, close your eyes.
Okay.
I wanted to be the only
person to kiss you on update.
You want to know why?
Why.
Because I felt a connection
with you, Colin, ever since I
saw an opportunity to be on TV.
I'm getting emotional.
You think I'm crazy, you do.
No, no.
Not at all.
No, no, I just want to hear
about the finale of The Bachelor.
You're such a good guy.
And I knew you were worth it,
and I left something really good
because I thought maybe it would
be something really great.
And what did you leave?
Software sales in the
state of Colorado.
You think I'm crazy and I'm not.
Look at me, you haven't made eye
contact with me since we kissed.
You've been looking at Che
glancing at cue cards the whole time.
[Laughter]
I'm still here, I need to
see that you respect that.
I promise you, I respect that.
I'm so glad that you just said that.
Because I know that I am great TV.
I mean, a great woman.
[Laughter]
So let's start over.
Can I get a second chance kiss?
No.
And if Leslie Jones hears
about this, we're both dead.
I'm not here to talk about other women.
I'm here so other women
can talk about me.
And I'm not crazy.
I don't think that you're crazy.
I never would say that.
I'm not crazy.
Okay no one here is --
[laughter]
You have such a beautiful smile.
[Laughter]
- Look, I'm very --
- I'm not --
I'm very sorry that you did
not win The Bachelor this season, okay?
Don't be sorry, this isn't
my last reality show.
I'll be on TV again, because
I'm a wide awake nightmare.
The drunkest contestant on
"The Bachelor" everyone.
[Cheers and applause]
A seafood wholesaler in Maine
has acquired a rare four
clawed lobster and in other
news, a woman's dog has
been missing since Halloween.
Peyton Manning announced his
retirement from football this
week, explained Manning, I'd
rather not get brain damage.
New York's MTA has unveiled
new high-tech city buses
that feature USB ports.
As in, "hey, on the bus today I
saw a guy put his penis
in the USB port."
[Laughter]
The makers of the beer dos
equis announced, that they are
retiring their famous "most
interesting man in the world"
ad campaign.
He will go back to his original
name, Greg the lying alcoholic.
[Laughter]
March is women's history month.
So ladies, that cake is
not going to bake itself.
[Audience ohs]
[Laughter]
Before you ladies get angry
and send a bunch of messages
about how sexist that joke is,
let me just remind you,
finish baking that cake.
Colin.
Don't throw it to me!
Happy Birthday to mitt Romney
who today turns 69, which
for Mormons is a sin.
[Laughter and applause]
A new study suggests that
heavier women get paid
less than thinner women.
That is, unless Che's
at the strip club.
[Laughter]
[Laughter and applause]
And they say black guys don't tip.
A man in Brazil says that a
penguin he rescued five years
ago, swims more than 5,000 Miles
every year just to visit him.
That's how good the sex is.
[Laughter]
A gang of drug dealers in
Amsterdam were reportedly storing --
- hey, yo, Che.
Hey, yo, Che.
Reportedly storing 300,000
Euros -- - come on, man.
I got a copy of Batman hates superman.
Come on, man.
I think they got a
wonder woman in there!
You're in the shot.
You're ruining this.
Are we live right now?
Are we live at 5:00?
Yo introduce me then.
I'm sorry, it's my friend
from high school Riblet.
[Cheers and applause]
What's up!
It's Riblet, baby!
Living clean in 2016, yeah!
[Laughter]
I'm in the middle of a
live show here, man.
I don't have time to go
to the movies with you.
What, yo, you never got
time for Riblet no more.
- Come on, now.
- I got a job, dude.
You a punk man, get someone
to cover your shift man,
that's what I did at friendly's.
And they're the home of the fribble.
Riblet, this isn't exactly friendly's.
You can't just do this job.
Please.
This job ain't that hard.
Yo, check it, watch this?
Yo, give me a key on three, baby boy.
How do you know Don?
A massive sinkhole opened
up in the parking lot of a
Mississippi IHOP, swallowing
more than a dozen cars.
If there's one thing you don't
expect when you're eating at a
Mississippi IHOP, it's to sink lower.
Oooh!
[Laughter and applause]
Oh maybe I got you Jorb!
Hurry up, Che, table
four needs a fribble.
You don't know where table four is?
Well, trick question,
table four is a booth!
[Laughter]
That wasn't a question or a
trick, can you just please go, man?
I'm serious. - I'm serious about
watching this movie, man.
Lex Luthor got hairs now,
I'm fixin' to find out why.
Let's keep this train rolling, my dude!
Yo, Don, break me off
something topical man.
Why are you helping him?
[Laughter]
Some native American groups
are upset with a new
J.K. Rowling story that they say
is disrespectful to their culture.
You can tell from the title,
"Harry Potter and the cursed blankets."
Oooh!
[Laughter]
That ain't even a real
book, I photoshopped it!
It ain't even there, look.
It's ghost news!
You know, there's a lot more
to this job than just reading jokes.
- Oh, really. - Yeah, it is. - Really?
Okay, man, I stand corrected.
I guess I hadn't thought of that, okay?
I guess -- I did not.
I'm apologizing.
I guess you would have to
surprising moves every week.
I guess you would.
I'm getting something in
my ear from the booth.
We have a special report.
Let's go live to our man
on the street, Riblet.
Riblet?
Riblet St. James here reporting
from the lower east side.
The line started forming days
ago and it has been a revolving
door of random men, in and out
of this building all weekend long.
Whatever they are lining up for,
they can't seem to get enough, Riblet.
And where did you say
you were again, Riblet?
I am currently outside
Che's mama's house!
Damn!
Yo, sign it off, Riblet.
- Do your thing.
- This is Riblet St. James,
good night and have a
pleasant tomorrow.
Back to you, Riblet.
[Cheers and applause]
My friend from high school,
Riblet, everybody.
For weekend update, I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost, good night.
All right, control, it's
time for the 3:00 P.M.
Tidal systems check.
Drake stream.
Running smooth, sir.
Coldplay?
No lag time.
- Full bit rate.
- Billy Joel?
No fire started over here.
Swing and a miss.
Here's your coffee, sir.
- Thank you, Chloe.
- It's another incident free
day here at Tidal music streaming.
What the hell was that?
Looks like the power's out, sir.
Back up generator is up and running.
Let's do a systems check.
- One direction?
- All good sir.
- Kendrick Lamar?
- Coming through loud and clear.
Britney Spears?
Looks like we're going to lose
Britney Spears stream in 30 seconds.
We already biffed the Kanye
and Rihanna album releases.
We can't afford another
glitch what do you do!?
Sir, I heard Chloe the intern
singing some Britney Spears hallway.
Is that true, Chloe, can you
sing like Britney Spears?
Kind of.
Bradley open the channel.
The future of Tidal is in your hands.
But I'm shy.
Well try damn it!
People need their Britney Spears.
♪ Oh, baby baby how
was I suppose to know
that something wasn't right ♪
♪ Oh, baby baby I shouldn't
have let you go.
And now you're out of sight, yeah ♪
Back on. Britney Spears
is up and running.
[Cheers and applause]
That was close.
Well done Chloe.
Oh, no, sir, we're about to
lose the Shakira stream.
Perfect.
Chloe's Hispanic.
That's a common mistake, I'm
actually just very, very Italian.
Can you do Shakira?
I can try.
♪♪
Le do, lo Le, lo Le can't
you see I'm at your feet
♪ whenever whenever we're
meant to be together ♪
♪ I'll be there and you'll be here ♪
And that's the deal my dear.
Back on.
Shakira is online and streaming.
Job well done.
- You need some water?
- No time, sir.
The Ariana Grande channel is down, sir.
Chloe? Can you do Ariana Grande?
Eh sorry, not a big fan.
Forget it, we just lost a
big one, Rihanna's down.
Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna.
♪ (Harmonizing Rihanna) ♪
We're back on.
The Rihanna stream is
rebuffered and good to go.
Was that okay?
I truly don't know what she's saying.
Hey, nobody does.
Uh-oh, I got bad news, boss.
The '90s diva play list is glitching.
Can you handle it?
That's a lot of woman.
There's only one way to find out.
We just lost Celine Dion.
♪ There were nights when
the wind was so cold ♪
♪ My body laid in bed and I
listened to it right
outside the window ♪
Shall we go for it?
Back on. Celine Dion is 100%.
but now we're losing Whitney Houston.
Oh, come on.
Take us home.
♪ And I wish you joy and happiness ♪
♪ But above all else I wish you love ♪
♪ And I will always love you ♪
♪ I will forever love you ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Back on. The power's fully restored.
All streams are up and running.
You did it, Chloe.
Jay Z would be proud.
Yeah, you bet I am.
Mickelson, you was Jay
Z this whole time?
Yeah.
I wanted to see how my company
was doing, undercover
boss style, you know?
Yo, Chloe, you single-handedly
just saved Tidal.
- You said you was just an intern?
- Yes.
That's great , can you give
me a venti cappuccino?
I'll take a Grande coffee.
Right away!
♪♪
It's time to play family
feud, celebrity addition.
Here's your host, Steve Harvey.
Okay.
Okay now.
Welcome to celebrity family feud.
It's one of about four different
daytime shows that I host.
Every one of them playing right
now on that little TV that you
can watch while you pumping your gas.
Today we have great actors
versus great directors.
And on the actors side, talks
like a man, but PH
balanced like a woman.
It's Jennifer Lawrence.
They told me into the to do a
game show, but I was like screw
it, I'm a regular person.
You know, you say you're a
regular person more than any
regular person I know.
All right, next, she's one of
the top actresses in all of
outer space, Tilda Swinton.
I won a MAFTA.
That's a BAFTA they give on the moon.
Whatever you say, David bowie.
Next, from no country for old mens.
Say hello to Javier Bardem.
It is a wonderful this
to play this game.
I am very aroused by competition.
Oh, you a spicy little pot
of payaya aren't you.
And finally, I don't know if
I've every heard of this person.
But he was in a movie called
"beasts of no nation"
let me try and pronounce this right.
Mellis Dellis - well actually
the names Idris Elba mate.
I've been around, you know.
It's all clicks and buzzers, player.
Let's go to the director side.
He's a maniac who's made some
of my favorite movies,
Quentin Tarantino.
Hey, Steve.
This is good, it's kind of like
a spaghetti Western, but
there's prizes at the end.
Take it down, player.
For us it's 10:00 in the
morning, but for you it's day three.
Next, we got the director of
Raging Bull and Goodfellas,
Martin Scorsese.
Great to be here Steve really
really great, love the suit.
Classic styling I love it.
I'm a big fan of your work, I
loved you as the grandfather in up.
Next you know him from Andy hall,
Hannah and her sisters and
that whole thing where he went
ahead and married his
daughter, Woody Allen.
Thank you, Steve, while I
appreciate the comprehensive
introduction, what's past is past.
Both parties are at peace.
Let's move on.
Whatever you say, big love.
And finally, from Jay and silent
Bob strike back, it's Kevin Smith.
Hello, folks, it's the
fat man on Batman.
Thanks having me on the podcast Steve.
Podcast?
Are you high right now?
Oh hell yeah!
Well okay then player, I'll meet
you in the parking lot after the show.
Let's play the feud.
- How are you feeling?
- Good.
Great. Really great.
Great, man.
You two look like you
should switch voices.
100 people surveyed.
Top five answers on the board.
Name a bad habit you just can't quit?
I'm a snack-aholic I
love Pringles, when no
one's looking I'll eat the whole can.
Like every day is my cheat
day, you know what I mean?
How annoyingly relatable.
Show me another pretty girl
that says she likes to eat.
Number one, it's up there.
Let's go to the actors side.
Now, Tilda Swinton, what's a
bad habit you just can't quit?
Feasting on the blood of innocence.
I'm kidding. Cookies.
Oh you a curious little woodpecker.
Show me a vampire's got to feed.
Not there, Javier Bardem.
A bad habit you just can't quit.
This one is very obvious,
you know, beautiful women.
Oh, you're a hopeless romantic?
Yeah.
Show me gotta get that ass!
[Buzzer]
I'm sorry, player.
Let's go over the black Jason Statham.
A bad habit you just can't quit.
You have to stop running
around the pubs, you
know, cut down a bit.
That's it blood, that's it.
Might as well be under water.
Show me something that
might be English.
[Buzzer]
Yeah, I didn't think so.
The directors with a chance to steal.
A bad habit you can't quit.
All good answers.
Quentin it's up to you.
There are so many
possibilities here, Steve.
You can't look at the
possibilities, you have to look
at your own unique reality.
For me, it's like trying for
perfection every time, man.
You get that, Steve.
You get what I'm saying?
Oh, I hear you, player.
I know exactly what
you're trying to say.
Show me cocaine.
[Laughter and applause]
The directors win like
always, we going to take a
break, when we come back, I'll
give you a sneak preview of my
new show, that I'm hosting where
kids fight each other on the stage.
We'll see you all in a minute.
Okay, once again, Ariana Grande.
♪♪
♪ Midnight shadows we're
finding love it's the battle ♪
♪ But the daylight is so close ♪
♪ So don't you worry about a
thing babe we'll be alright ♪
♪ Hey babe we'll be alright ♪
♪ Yeah yeah ♪
♪ Baby don't you know
all of them tears gon'
come and go ♪
♪ Baby you just gotta make up your mind
that every little things
gonna be alright ♪
♪ Baby don't you know
all of them tears gon'
come and go ♪
♪ Baby you just gotta make up your mind
we decided baby be all right ♪
♪♪
♪ Hey babe we'll be alright ♪
♪ Yeah yeah ♪
♪ Oh baby babe we'll be alright ♪
♪ Oh nothing can seem to
get us where were going ♪
♪ But the high tides are flowing ♪
♪ Cause they all lead to better days ♪
♪ When I'll be all right
hey
hey
when I'll be all right ♪
♪ Oh yeah oh baby ♪
♪ We're gonna be alright ♪
♪ All those cares gonna up and
go I don't mind all right ♪
♪ All those tears gonna up and go ♪
♪ I don't mind woooh
know that we gonna be all right ♪
♪ You know that we gonna be all right ♪
Know that we gonna be all right ♪
♪ We gonna be all right ♪
♪ Hey wooooh
oh yeah ♪
♪ We gonna be all right baby ♪
♪♪
♪ We're gonna be all right yeah ♪
♪♪
[Cheers and applause]
We now return to a special
presentation of "the sound of music."
Where is sister Maria,
she's late for chore time.
And she missed her morning prayers.
Oh, what are we going
to do about that girl?
♪♪
♪ She climbs a tree and
scrapes her knee ♪
♪ Her dress has got a tear ♪
She waltzes on her way to mass
she whistles on the stair ♪
♪ And underneath her wimple
she has curlers in her hair ♪
♪ I've even heard her
singing in the abbey ♪
♪ How do you solve a problem
like Maria how do you catch a
cloud and pin it down ♪
♪ How do you find the
word that means Maria ♪
♪ A flibbertijibbit, a
will-o'-the-wisp, a clown ♪
♪ Oh, how do you solve
a problem like Maria ♪
♪ How do you hold a moon
beam in your hand ♪
Wow!
Good too hear this, a bunch of
nuns singing smack about me.
Maria, we didn't see you there.
Yeah, I know you didn't.
But I heard everything.
And you thought Maria
was a problem before?
Well, buckle up.
Goodness, you're being
a bit sensitive Maria.
We weren't saying anything
negative about you.
Oh, yeah, then what's the song called?
It doesn't really have a name.
Do not front with me right now.
Fine, it's called how do you
solve a problem like Maria.
Wow.
What wow!?
It's not about you.
It's about a different Maria.
Maria Gertzenschwartzenwarz.
Nun, please.
I know you all sing shade
about me all the time.
This is the first and only
time we've ever sung it.
So you guys just made up that
four part harmony with light
choreography on the spot?
Okay.
But weren't we merrily discussing how
to best guide our youngest
sister on her path.
Nunti, why are you coming for me so.
What is this thing you're
doing with your hands?
It's a thing I made up so
people know when I've had it.
And y'all nuns are about to get read.
Well, I think you're
being a very rude girl.
It's your fault for calling
me a will-o'-the-wisp.
And I know what that word means.
I didn't mean it like that.
It's like, you you know when you call
a friend a will-o'-the-wisp
but it's more like oh you my
will-o'-the-wisp girl!
We say it to each
other, it's empowering.
Right my will-o'-the-wisp?
Oh see, that's all we
were saying, Maria.
Um-hum.
I guess I'll just have to
take your word for it.
Now, if you'll excuse me I
have to get to my chores.
♪ Unpredictable as weather ♪
♪ As flighty as a feather ♪
♪ She's a darling she's a demon ♪
She's a, oh she's back!
Wow!
I was literally gone for two seconds.
Okay fine, Maria, we
confess we talk about you.
You give us no choice.
♪♪
- ♪ You climb a tree ♪
- Wow!
Stop starting the song!
You know what, I don't need this.
I got hooked up with a gig
baby-sitting seven children,
which literally sounds like a
vacation compared to you virgins.
♪ Which would bring us back
to -- bye-bye bye-bye bye Maria out ♪
[Cheers and applause]
I have a feeling none
of us will miss her.
None?
- You guys get it?
- Oh, you are so bad.
Thank you Larry David!
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you Lorne, thank you SNL.
This has been the best!
Thank you bye!
synced and corrected
by peritta