Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Chevy Chase/Billy Joel - full transcript

Announcer: "THE LITTLE HOUSE
ON THE PRAIRIE BURNS TO THE
GROUND" WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT

ON THE PRAIRIE BURNS TO THE
GROUND" WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT
SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE

GROUND" WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT
SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE
FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.

[COPLAND'S "FANFARE FOR THE

[COMMON MAN"]

AND NOW, IN RESPONSE TO

RONALD REAGAN'S ADDRESS ON THE

PANAMA CANAL ISSUE, HERE IS

FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES GERALD R. FORD.

HELLO, MY FELLOW



NORTH AMERICANS.

IT FEELS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
I HAVE NOT... SEEN YOU.

AGAIN.
I HAVE NOT... SEEN YOU.
I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU OR ADDRESSED

I HAVE NOT... SEEN YOU.
I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU OR ADDRESSED
THE NATION SINCE MY LAST TIME

I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU OR ADDRESSED
THE NATION SINCE MY LAST TIME
BEING PRESIDENT.

THE NATION SINCE MY LAST TIME
BEING PRESIDENT.
TONIGHT, I WISH TO... URGE THE

BEING PRESIDENT.
TONIGHT, I WISH TO... URGE THE
RATIFICATION BY CONGRESS OF

TONIGHT, I WISH TO... URGE THE
RATIFICATION BY CONGRESS OF
THE... SUEZ CANAL TREATY.

RATIFICATION BY CONGRESS OF
THE... SUEZ CANAL TREATY.
I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD TURN OVER

THE... SUEZ CANAL TREATY.
I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD TURN OVER
THE CANAL TO OUR TINY LITTLE

I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD TURN OVER
THE CANAL TO OUR TINY LITTLE
NEIGHBORS TO THE SOUTH, THE

THE CANAL TO OUR TINY LITTLE
NEIGHBORS TO THE SOUTH, THE
PANAMITES.

NEIGHBORS TO THE SOUTH, THE
PANAMITES.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

PANAMITES.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
EXCUSE ME.



[TELEPHONE RINGS]
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.

EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.
[RINGING CONTINUES]

HELLO.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
HELLO.

[RINGING CONTINUES]
HELLO.
HONEY, IT'S SOUP NOW.

HELLO.
HONEY, IT'S SOUP NOW.
THANK YOU, BETTY.

HONEY, IT'S SOUP NOW.
THANK YOU, BETTY.
I'M ON TELEVISION NOW.

THANK YOU, BETTY.
I'M ON TELEVISION NOW.
OH, I'M SORRY.

I'M ON TELEVISION NOW.
OH, I'M SORRY.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.

OH, I'M SORRY.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
BRING IT DOWN.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.
BRING IT DOWN.
YOU KNOW HOW I AM.

BRING IT DOWN.
YOU KNOW HOW I AM.
WHEN IT'S SOUP, I'M ON THE GO.

YOU KNOW HOW I AM.
WHEN IT'S SOUP, I'M ON THE GO.
OKAY.

WHEN IT'S SOUP, I'M ON THE GO.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW... LIBERTY, SIT.

OKAY.
YOU KNOW... LIBERTY, SIT.
EVERY ADMINISTRATION SINCE

YOU KNOW... LIBERTY, SIT.
EVERY ADMINISTRATION SINCE
LYNDON JOHNSON HAS BEEN IN FAVOR

EVERY ADMINISTRATION SINCE
LYNDON JOHNSON HAS BEEN IN FAVOR
OF THIS TREATY.

LYNDON JOHNSON HAS BEEN IN FAVOR
OF THIS TREATY.
I WOULD SAY THAT WAS JOHNSON,

OF THIS TREATY.
I WOULD SAY THAT WAS JOHNSON,
NIXON, CARTER, ME... THAT'S

I WOULD SAY THAT WAS JOHNSON,
NIXON, CARTER, ME... THAT'S
THREE.

NIXON, CARTER, ME... THAT'S
THREE.
THREE AND A HALF, IF YOU COUNT

THREE.
THREE AND A HALF, IF YOU COUNT
ME.

THREE AND A HALF, IF YOU COUNT
ME.
OH, BETTY.

ME.
OH, BETTY.
NOW, HURRY UP AND EAT YOUR

OH, BETTY.
NOW, HURRY UP AND EAT YOUR
SOUP, DEAR, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T

NOW, HURRY UP AND EAT YOUR
SOUP, DEAR, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T
EAT IT QUICK, IT TURNS INTO A

SOUP, DEAR, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T
EAT IT QUICK, IT TURNS INTO A
CUP OF NASTY CHEMICALS.

EAT IT QUICK, IT TURNS INTO A
CUP OF NASTY CHEMICALS.
AND SINCE I'M HERE, I'D LIKE TO

CUP OF NASTY CHEMICALS.
AND SINCE I'M HERE, I'D LIKE TO
SAY HELLO AND REITERATE MY

AND SINCE I'M HERE, I'D LIKE TO
SAY HELLO AND REITERATE MY
SUPPORT OF THE E.R.A.

SAY HELLO AND REITERATE MY
SUPPORT OF THE E.R.A.
THANK YOU.

SUPPORT OF THE E.R.A.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, RON.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, RON.
I'M SURE ALL THE EEL RAYS WILL

THANK YOU, RON.
I'M SURE ALL THE EEL RAYS WILL
BE APPRECIATIVE OF IT.

I'M SURE ALL THE EEL RAYS WILL
BE APPRECIATIVE OF IT.
NOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED

BE APPRECIATIVE OF IT.
NOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED
ABOUT THE SUEZ CANAL, AND WELL

NOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED
ABOUT THE SUEZ CANAL, AND WELL
MIGHT THEY BE.

ABOUT THE SUEZ CANAL, AND WELL
MIGHT THEY BE.
LET'S LOOK AT A MAP, SHALL WE?

BEFORE THERE WAS A SUEZ CANAL,
IF YOU HAPPENED TO HAVE A BOAT
OR WERE ON A BOAT AND WANTED TO

IF YOU HAPPENED TO HAVE A BOAT
OR WERE ON A BOAT AND WANTED TO
GET FROM WASHINGTON, D.C., TO

OR WERE ON A BOAT AND WANTED TO
GET FROM WASHINGTON, D.C., TO
SAN FRANCISCO, YOU HAD TO KIND

GET FROM WASHINGTON, D.C., TO
SAN FRANCISCO, YOU HAD TO KIND
OF DO THIS.

VERY LONG WAY DOWN AND AROUND
THE CAPE OF GOOD HORN.
UP AND THROUGH.

THE CAPE OF GOOD HORN.
UP AND THROUGH.
THIS WAS NOT EASY.

UP AND THROUGH.
THIS WAS NOT EASY.
NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SO

THIS WAS NOT EASY.
NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SO
SURPRISED AND UNHAPPY YOU HAVE

NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SO
SURPRISED AND UNHAPPY YOU HAVE
NOT SEEN THE CANAL.

SURPRISED AND UNHAPPY YOU HAVE
NOT SEEN THE CANAL.
WE'VE CHANGED THAT.

NOT SEEN THE CANAL.
WE'VE CHANGED THAT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK, SHALL WE?

NOW, SHOULD WE WANT TO GET TO

CALIFORNIA, WE SIMPLY COME DOWN

AROUND HERE THE SAME WAY TO THE

CANAL...

ON THE WEST COAST OF THE

PARDON RIVER.

AGAIN, IF WE COULD HAVE JUST
ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE NEW
MAP...

ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE NEW
MAP...
TURN THIS AROUND HERE.

MAP...
TURN THIS AROUND HERE.
ALMOST WENT.

TURN THIS AROUND HERE.
ALMOST WENT.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

ALMOST WENT.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S

[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
STARRING...

WITH A SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CHEVY CHASE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOO!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I'VE

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I'VE
BEEN GONE, AND I REALLY MISS THE

IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I'VE
BEEN GONE, AND I REALLY MISS THE
SHOW.

BEEN GONE, AND I REALLY MISS THE
SHOW.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I MISS

SHOW.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I MISS
MORE THAN ANYTHING...

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I MISS
MORE THAN ANYTHING...
[LAUGHTER]

MORE THAN ANYTHING...
[LAUGHTER]
QUITE SERIOUSLY, AND THAT IS

[LAUGHTER]
QUITE SERIOUSLY, AND THAT IS
THE APPLAUSE.

QUITE SERIOUSLY, AND THAT IS
THE APPLAUSE.
I HAVE MISSED THAT MORE THAN

THE APPLAUSE.
I HAVE MISSED THAT MORE THAN
ANYTHING.

I HAVE MISSED THAT MORE THAN
ANYTHING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANYTHING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, REALLY.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, REALLY.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT MY

THANK YOU, REALLY.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT MY
FRIENDS, THE PEOPLE WHO PUT ON

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT MY
FRIENDS, THE PEOPLE WHO PUT ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT," EVEN SINCE

FRIENDS, THE PEOPLE WHO PUT ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT," EVEN SINCE
I'VE BEEN GONE... BEFORE,

"SATURDAY NIGHT," EVEN SINCE
I'VE BEEN GONE... BEFORE,
AFTER... STILL PUT ON THE BEST

I'VE BEEN GONE... BEFORE,
AFTER... STILL PUT ON THE BEST
DAMN COMEDY SHOW ON THE AIR.

AFTER... STILL PUT ON THE BEST
DAMN COMEDY SHOW ON THE AIR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAMN COMEDY SHOW ON THE AIR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND I THANK YOU... I THANK YOU

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND I THANK YOU... I THANK YOU
ON THEIR BEHALF.

AND I THANK YOU... I THANK YOU
ON THEIR BEHALF.
I DO.

ON THEIR BEHALF.
I DO.
I MUST TELL YOU, IT'S GREAT TO

I DO.
I MUST TELL YOU, IT'S GREAT TO
BE BACK IN THIS TOWN.

I MUST TELL YOU, IT'S GREAT TO
BE BACK IN THIS TOWN.
AND I THINK... LET'S BE

BE BACK IN THIS TOWN.
AND I THINK... LET'S BE
HONEST... NEW YORK CITY IS THE

AND I THINK... LET'S BE
HONEST... NEW YORK CITY IS THE
GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD,

HONEST... NEW YORK CITY IS THE
GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD,
ISN'T IT?

GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD,
ISN'T IT?
[APPLAUSE]

ISN'T IT?
[APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW, THIS TRIP, I'VE BEEN

[APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW, THIS TRIP, I'VE BEEN
SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN

YOU KNOW, THIS TRIP, I'VE BEEN
SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN
BROOKLYN.

SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN
BROOKLYN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BROOKLYN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YESTERDAY... I DON'T KNOW, IN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YESTERDAY... I DON'T KNOW, IN
LOS ANGELES, WE DON'T HAVE MANY

YESTERDAY... I DON'T KNOW, IN
LOS ANGELES, WE DON'T HAVE MANY
DELICATESSENS, YOU KNOW?

LOS ANGELES, WE DON'T HAVE MANY
DELICATESSENS, YOU KNOW?
THEY DON'T HAVE NEGROES.

DELICATESSENS, YOU KNOW?
THEY DON'T HAVE NEGROES.
THEY HAVE NOTHING.

THEY DON'T HAVE NEGROES.
THEY HAVE NOTHING.
[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE NOTHING.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME

[LAUGHTER]
BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME
YESTERDAY AT A LITTLE

BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME
YESTERDAY AT A LITTLE
DELICATESSEN IN QUEENS.

YESTERDAY AT A LITTLE
DELICATESSEN IN QUEENS.
[APPLAUSE]

DELICATESSEN IN QUEENS.
[APPLAUSE]
QUEENS.

[APPLAUSE]
QUEENS.
OF COURSE, THERE'S NO PLACE MORE

QUEENS.
OF COURSE, THERE'S NO PLACE MORE
EXCITING THAN MANHATTAN TO ME.

OF COURSE, THERE'S NO PLACE MORE
EXCITING THAN MANHATTAN TO ME.
[APPLAUSE]

EXCITING THAN MANHATTAN TO ME.
[APPLAUSE]
MANHATTAN IS... UNLESS, OF

[APPLAUSE]
MANHATTAN IS... UNLESS, OF
COURSE, THAT PLACE IS QUEENS.

MANHATTAN IS... UNLESS, OF
COURSE, THAT PLACE IS QUEENS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COURSE, THAT PLACE IS QUEENS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK THAT IT'S VERY HARD TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK THAT IT'S VERY HARD TO
EXPRESS HOW I FEEL IN WORDS,

I THINK THAT IT'S VERY HARD TO
EXPRESS HOW I FEEL IN WORDS,
AND, WELL, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT

EXPRESS HOW I FEEL IN WORDS,
AND, WELL, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT
WITH YOU, I'D JUST LIKE TO SING

AND, WELL, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT
WITH YOU, I'D JUST LIKE TO SING
A SHORT NUMBER.

WITH YOU, I'D JUST LIKE TO SING
A SHORT NUMBER.
[PIANO PLAYS NOTE]

A SHORT NUMBER.
[PIANO PLAYS NOTE]
♪ THE MORE I SEE YOU ♪

[PIANO PLAYS NOTE]
♪ THE MORE I SEE YOU ♪
[BAND PLAYS]

♪ THE MORE I SEE YOU ♪
[BAND PLAYS]
♪ THE MORE I WANT YOU ♪

[BAND PLAYS]
♪ THE MORE I WANT YOU ♪
♪ SOMEHOW THIS FEELING JUST

♪ THE MORE I WANT YOU ♪
♪ SOMEHOW THIS FEELING JUST
GROWS ♪

♪ SOMEHOW THIS FEELING JUST
GROWS ♪
THANK YOU.

GROWS ♪
THANK YOU.
HOW ABOUT THAT BAND, HUH?

THANK YOU.
HOW ABOUT THAT BAND, HUH?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW ABOUT THAT BAND, HUH?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[BAND PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]
[BAND PLAYS]
YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA...

[BAND PLAYS]
YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA...
[MUSIC STOPS]

YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA...
[MUSIC STOPS]
WHAT A WEEK.

[MUSIC STOPS]
WHAT A WEEK.
NOT JUST FOR ME... I GUESS WE

WHAT A WEEK.
NOT JUST FOR ME... I GUESS WE
FOUND A REAL-LIFE ROCKY IN THAT

NOT JUST FOR ME... I GUESS WE
FOUND A REAL-LIFE ROCKY IN THAT
LEON SPINKS, HUH?

FOUND A REAL-LIFE ROCKY IN THAT
LEON SPINKS, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

LEON SPINKS, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH. YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH. YEAH.
HE DESERVES A LOT OF CREDIT.

YEAH. YEAH.
HE DESERVES A LOT OF CREDIT.
HE REALLY DOES.

HE DESERVES A LOT OF CREDIT.
HE REALLY DOES.
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING

HE REALLY DOES.
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING
AWAY FROM, I THINK, THE GREATEST

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING
AWAY FROM, I THINK, THE GREATEST
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF ALL

AWAY FROM, I THINK, THE GREATEST
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF ALL
TIME... NO QUESTION ABOUT IT...

HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF ALL
TIME... NO QUESTION ABOUT IT...
MUHAMMAD ALI.

TIME... NO QUESTION ABOUT IT...
MUHAMMAD ALI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MUHAMMAD ALI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW ABOUT THAT MURIEL HUMPHREY,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW ABOUT THAT MURIEL HUMPHREY,
HUH?

HOW ABOUT THAT MURIEL HUMPHREY,
HUH?
ABSOLUTELY.

HUH?
ABSOLUTELY.
HALDEMAN'S BOOK COMING OUT...

ABSOLUTELY.
HALDEMAN'S BOOK COMING OUT...
EVEN MORE DIRT ABOUT WATERGATE.

HALDEMAN'S BOOK COMING OUT...
EVEN MORE DIRT ABOUT WATERGATE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

EVEN MORE DIRT ABOUT WATERGATE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
DON'T YOU THINK NIXON SUFFERED

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
DON'T YOU THINK NIXON SUFFERED
MUCH... ENOUGH... MUCH TOO MUCH?

DON'T YOU THINK NIXON SUFFERED
MUCH... ENOUGH... MUCH TOO MUCH?
[LAUGHTER]

MUCH... ENOUGH... MUCH TOO MUCH?
[LAUGHTER]
HASN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH, HAS HE?

[LAUGHTER]
HASN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH, HAS HE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HASN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH, HAS HE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHOULD HAVE PUT HIM IN JAIL,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHOULD HAVE PUT HIM IN JAIL,
RIGHT?

SHOULD HAVE PUT HIM IN JAIL,
RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND AGNEW, TOO, RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND AGNEW, TOO, RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND AGNEW, TOO, RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH!
YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE

YEAH!
YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE
ABOUT YOUR APPLAUSE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE
ABOUT YOUR APPLAUSE?
IS ITS SPONTANEITY.

ABOUT YOUR APPLAUSE?
IS ITS SPONTANEITY.
[LAUGHTER]

IS ITS SPONTANEITY.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S KIND OF WHAT LIVE TV's

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S KIND OF WHAT LIVE TV's
ABOUT... GREAT LIVE TELEVISION.

THAT'S KIND OF WHAT LIVE TV's
ABOUT... GREAT LIVE TELEVISION.
IT SEEMS SPONTANEOUS, BUT, YOU

ABOUT... GREAT LIVE TELEVISION.
IT SEEMS SPONTANEOUS, BUT, YOU
SEE, IT REALLY ISN'T.

IT SEEMS SPONTANEOUS, BUT, YOU
SEE, IT REALLY ISN'T.
EVERY WORD IS WRITTEN OUT AND

SEE, IT REALLY ISN'T.
EVERY WORD IS WRITTEN OUT AND
PUT ON CUE CARDS.

EVERY WORD IS WRITTEN OUT AND
PUT ON CUE CARDS.
IT'S TRUE.

PUT ON CUE CARDS.
IT'S TRUE.
I'LL SHOW YOU.

IT'S TRUE.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
AL, COULD YOU GIVE ME A CARD?

I'LL SHOW YOU.
AL, COULD YOU GIVE ME A CARD?
SEE, THIS IS REALLY THE ILLUSION

AL, COULD YOU GIVE ME A CARD?
SEE, THIS IS REALLY THE ILLUSION
OF SPONTANEITY.

SEE, THIS IS REALLY THE ILLUSION
OF SPONTANEITY.
UH, WE...

OF SPONTANEITY.
UH, WE...
[LAUGHTER]

UH, WE...
[LAUGHTER]
THANKS, AL.

[LAUGHTER]
THANKS, AL.
GIVE ME THE NEXT CARD.

THANKS, AL.
GIVE ME THE NEXT CARD.
OH, BY THE WAY, AL.

GIVE ME THE NEXT CARD.
OH, BY THE WAY, AL.
COME ON UP HERE, AL.

OH, BY THE WAY, AL.
COME ON UP HERE, AL.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

COME ON UP HERE, AL.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
THIS IS... THIS IS AL SIEGEL,

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
THIS IS... THIS IS AL SIEGEL,
OUR CUE-CARD MAN, AND HE'S DONE

THIS IS... THIS IS AL SIEGEL,
OUR CUE-CARD MAN, AND HE'S DONE
A GREAT JOB.

OUR CUE-CARD MAN, AND HE'S DONE
A GREAT JOB.
HE'S GOT A LOT TO DO, A LOT OF

A GREAT JOB.
HE'S GOT A LOT TO DO, A LOT OF
WORK.

HE'S GOT A LOT TO DO, A LOT OF
WORK.
INCIDENTALLY, YOU'VE BEEN A

WORK.
INCIDENTALLY, YOU'VE BEEN A
GREAT AUDIENCE.

INCIDENTALLY, YOU'VE BEEN A
GREAT AUDIENCE.
I THINK YOU ALL OWE YOURSELVES A

GREAT AUDIENCE.
I THINK YOU ALL OWE YOURSELVES A
ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

I THINK YOU ALL OWE YOURSELVES A
ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
PLEASE.

ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
PLEASE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PLEASE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.
[APPLAUSE]

HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS
HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU HAVE A BAG OF MOTHS... YES,

HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU HAVE A BAG OF MOTHS... YES,
MOTHS... AND YOU'RE TRYING TO

YOU HAVE A BAG OF MOTHS... YES,
MOTHS... AND YOU'RE TRYING TO
FIND A FAST, EFFICIENT WAY TO

MOTHS... AND YOU'RE TRYING TO
FIND A FAST, EFFICIENT WAY TO
REDUCE THESE MOTHS INTO A FLAT,

FIND A FAST, EFFICIENT WAY TO
REDUCE THESE MOTHS INTO A FLAT,
EASILY PORTABLE SIZE.

REDUCE THESE MOTHS INTO A FLAT,
EASILY PORTABLE SIZE.
AS EVERYONE KNOWS, FRESH MOTHS

EASILY PORTABLE SIZE.
AS EVERYONE KNOWS, FRESH MOTHS
IN THE BAG ARE BULKY AND

AS EVERYONE KNOWS, FRESH MOTHS
IN THE BAG ARE BULKY AND
UNMANAGEABLE, DUE TO THE SHEER

IN THE BAG ARE BULKY AND
UNMANAGEABLE, DUE TO THE SHEER
VOLUME OF THEIR STOUT, LITTLE

UNMANAGEABLE, DUE TO THE SHEER
VOLUME OF THEIR STOUT, LITTLE
BODIES, AND IT JUST SEEMS THAT

VOLUME OF THEIR STOUT, LITTLE
BODIES, AND IT JUST SEEMS THAT
NO AMOUNT OF HAMMERING,

BODIES, AND IT JUST SEEMS THAT
NO AMOUNT OF HAMMERING,
CRUSHING, OR POUNDING BY HAND

NO AMOUNT OF HAMMERING,
CRUSHING, OR POUNDING BY HAND
EVER GETS THE MOTHS AS CLEAN,

CRUSHING, OR POUNDING BY HAND
EVER GETS THE MOTHS AS CLEAN,
FLAT, AND PORTABLE AS YOU REALLY

EVER GETS THE MOTHS AS CLEAN,
FLAT, AND PORTABLE AS YOU REALLY
WANT THEM.

FLAT, AND PORTABLE AS YOU REALLY
WANT THEM.
WELL, THOSE DAYS OF FRUSTRATING,

WANT THEM.
WELL, THOSE DAYS OF FRUSTRATING,
DISORDERLY, MESSY MOTH PRESSING

WELL, THOSE DAYS OF FRUSTRATING,
DISORDERLY, MESSY MOTH PRESSING
ARE FINALLY OVER BECAUSE NOW YOU

DISORDERLY, MESSY MOTH PRESSING
ARE FINALLY OVER BECAUSE NOW YOU
CAN DO IT THIS DYNAMIC, MODERN

ARE FINALLY OVER BECAUSE NOW YOU
CAN DO IT THIS DYNAMIC, MODERN
WAY WITH THIS INCREDIBLE

CAN DO IT THIS DYNAMIC, MODERN
WAY WITH THIS INCREDIBLE
HOUSEHOLD TOOL, THE MOTH MASHER.

WAY WITH THIS INCREDIBLE
HOUSEHOLD TOOL, THE MOTH MASHER.
YES, MOTH MASHER IS THE AMAZING,

HOUSEHOLD TOOL, THE MOTH MASHER.
YES, MOTH MASHER IS THE AMAZING,
NEW HOT-PRESS MOTH-COMPACTOR

YES, MOTH MASHER IS THE AMAZING,
NEW HOT-PRESS MOTH-COMPACTOR
FROM ROVCO.

NEW HOT-PRESS MOTH-COMPACTOR
FROM ROVCO.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

FROM ROVCO.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
SIMPLY PLACE THE NUMBER OF MOTHS

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
SIMPLY PLACE THE NUMBER OF MOTHS
THAT YOU WANT TO CARRY WITH YOU

SIMPLY PLACE THE NUMBER OF MOTHS
THAT YOU WANT TO CARRY WITH YOU
IN THE MOTH MASHER'S PRECUT

THAT YOU WANT TO CARRY WITH YOU
IN THE MOTH MASHER'S PRECUT
PLASTIC PANELS.

IN THE MOTH MASHER'S PRECUT
PLASTIC PANELS.
THEN PUT THE PANELS IN THE MOTH

PLASTIC PANELS.
THEN PUT THE PANELS IN THE MOTH
MASHER.

THEN PUT THE PANELS IN THE MOTH
MASHER.
PRESS LIGHTLY.

MASHER.
PRESS LIGHTLY.
[SIZZLING]

PRESS LIGHTLY.
[SIZZLING]
SEE HOW QUICKLY AND EASILY THE

[SIZZLING]
SEE HOW QUICKLY AND EASILY THE
MOTH MASHER PRESSES CUMBERSOME,

SEE HOW QUICKLY AND EASILY THE
MOTH MASHER PRESSES CUMBERSOME,
BULKY MOTHS INTO THIN,

MOTH MASHER PRESSES CUMBERSOME,
BULKY MOTHS INTO THIN,
PLASTICIZED WAFERS THAT FIT

BULKY MOTHS INTO THIN,
PLASTICIZED WAFERS THAT FIT
NEATLY AND FLATLY INTO YOUR

PLASTICIZED WAFERS THAT FIT
NEATLY AND FLATLY INTO YOUR
WALLET, ALONG WITH YOUR CREDIT

NEATLY AND FLATLY INTO YOUR
WALLET, ALONG WITH YOUR CREDIT
AND IDENTIFICATION CARDS.

WALLET, ALONG WITH YOUR CREDIT
AND IDENTIFICATION CARDS.
NOW, ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

AND IDENTIFICATION CARDS.
NOW, ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
AND, LOOK, I USED THE MOTH

NOW, ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
AND, LOOK, I USED THE MOTH
MASHER TO CRUSH THESE FAT,

AND, LOOK, I USED THE MOTH
MASHER TO CRUSH THESE FAT,
LITTLE MOTHS INTO A DISTINCTIVE

MASHER TO CRUSH THESE FAT,
LITTLE MOTHS INTO A DISTINCTIVE
LETTERHEAD FOR MY PERSONAL

LITTLE MOTHS INTO A DISTINCTIVE
LETTERHEAD FOR MY PERSONAL
STATIONERY.

LETTERHEAD FOR MY PERSONAL
STATIONERY.
THE MOTH MASHER HOT-PRESS

STATIONERY.
THE MOTH MASHER HOT-PRESS
MOTH-COMPACTING SYSTEM FROM

THE MOTH MASHER HOT-PRESS
MOTH-COMPACTING SYSTEM FROM
ROVCO ONLY $19.95 WHILE THIS TV

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ROVCO ONLY $19.95 WHILE THIS TV
OFFER LASTS.

ROVCO ONLY $19.95 WHILE THIS TV
OFFER LASTS.
INCLUDES MASHER, MOTH

OFFER LASTS.
INCLUDES MASHER, MOTH
PLASTICIZER PANELS, AND THIS

INCLUDES MASHER, MOTH
PLASTICIZER PANELS, AND THIS
BOOKLET, "MAKING IT WITH MOTHS."

PLASTICIZER PANELS, AND THIS
BOOKLET, "MAKING IT WITH MOTHS."
ORDER YOURS NOW.

Announcer: SUPPLIES ARE
LIMITED.

YOU WANT A CIGARETTE?
NO, THANKS. I DON'T SMOKE.
OH, GOOD. NEITHER DO I.

NO, THANKS. I DON'T SMOKE.
OH, GOOD. NEITHER DO I.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]

OH, GOOD. NEITHER DO I.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]
THAT WAS TERRIFIC.
HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?

THAT WAS TERRIFIC.
HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?
OKAY.

HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?
OKAY.
WAS IT JUST OKAY, OR WAS IT

OKAY.
WAS IT JUST OKAY, OR WAS IT
REALLY OKAY?

WAS IT JUST OKAY, OR WAS IT
REALLY OKAY?
WELL, IT WAS REALLY JUST

REALLY OKAY?
WELL, IT WAS REALLY JUST
OKAY.

WELL, IT WAS REALLY JUST
OKAY.
DID YOU, UH...

OKAY.
DID YOU, UH...
YOU KNOW, DID YOU...

DID YOU, UH...
YOU KNOW, DID YOU...
HMM?

YOU KNOW, DID YOU...
HMM?
DID YOU HAVE... DID YOU...

HMM?
DID YOU HAVE... DID YOU...
WELL, COULDN'T YOU TELL?

DID YOU HAVE... DID YOU...
WELL, COULDN'T YOU TELL?
WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT

WELL, COULDN'T YOU TELL?
WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT
THOSE THINGS.

WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT
THOSE THINGS.
I CAN'T FIGURE THOSE THINGS OUT

THOSE THINGS.
I CAN'T FIGURE THOSE THINGS OUT
TOO GOOD.

I CAN'T FIGURE THOSE THINGS OUT
TOO GOOD.
THEY CONFUSE ME.

TOO GOOD.
THEY CONFUSE ME.
WELL, WHY DID YOU ASK?

THEY CONFUSE ME.
WELL, WHY DID YOU ASK?
WELL, I MEAN, I FIGURED WE'VE

WELL, WHY DID YOU ASK?
WELL, I MEAN, I FIGURED WE'VE
JUST BEEN VERY INTIMATE, AS

WELL, I MEAN, I FIGURED WE'VE
JUST BEEN VERY INTIMATE, AS
INTIMATE AS YOU CAN BE, YOU

JUST BEEN VERY INTIMATE, AS
INTIMATE AS YOU CAN BE, YOU
KNOW?

INTIMATE AS YOU CAN BE, YOU
KNOW?
AND, UH... I'D FEEL SORT OF

KNOW?
AND, UH... I'D FEEL SORT OF
GUILTY IF ONLY ONE OF US WAS

AND, UH... I'D FEEL SORT OF
GUILTY IF ONLY ONE OF US WAS
SATISFIED.

GUILTY IF ONLY ONE OF US WAS
SATISFIED.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T

SATISFIED.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T
TRY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T
TRY.
OH, I KNOW.

TRY.
OH, I KNOW.
DID YOU?

OH, I KNOW.
DID YOU?
WELL, LOOK, DON'T WORRY.

DID YOU?
WELL, LOOK, DON'T WORRY.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES I DO, AND I

WELL, LOOK, DON'T WORRY.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES I DO, AND I
DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES I DO, AND I
DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
HUH?

DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
HUH?
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE.

HUH?
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE.
WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME, I KNOW

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE.
WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME, I KNOW
IT.

WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME, I KNOW
IT.
WELL, GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT,

IT.
WELL, GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT,
YOU KNOW?

WELL, GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT,
YOU KNOW?
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ALLOWED

YOU KNOW?
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ALLOWED
TO HAVE ONE TILL I WENT AWAY TO

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ALLOWED
TO HAVE ONE TILL I WENT AWAY TO
COLLEGE.

TO HAVE ONE TILL I WENT AWAY TO
COLLEGE.
DO YOU USUALLY HAVE ONE,

COLLEGE.
DO YOU USUALLY HAVE ONE,
THOUGH?

DO YOU USUALLY HAVE ONE,
THOUGH?
I MEAN, IS THAT...

THOUGH?
I MEAN, IS THAT...
WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE

I MEAN, IS THAT...
WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE
THIS... I NEVER REALLY FEEL THEM

WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE
THIS... I NEVER REALLY FEEL THEM
IMMEDIATELY.

THIS... I NEVER REALLY FEEL THEM
IMMEDIATELY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SORT OF LIKE, UH,

IMMEDIATELY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SORT OF LIKE, UH,
THEY KIND OF STORE UP, AND THEN

YOU KNOW, IT'S SORT OF LIKE, UH,
THEY KIND OF STORE UP, AND THEN
I FEEL THEM ALL AT ONCE,

THEY KIND OF STORE UP, AND THEN
I FEEL THEM ALL AT ONCE,
USUALLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF

I FEEL THEM ALL AT ONCE,
USUALLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF
PURIM.

USUALLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF
PURIM.
A LOT OF GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT.

PURIM.
A LOT OF GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT.
WELL, THEN YOU MEAN YOU DID

A LOT OF GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT.
WELL, THEN YOU MEAN YOU DID
HAVE ONE?

WELL, THEN YOU MEAN YOU DID
HAVE ONE?
WELL...

HAVE ONE?
WELL...
YOU MIGHT HAVE.

WELL...
YOU MIGHT HAVE.
YEAH.

YOU MIGHT HAVE.
YEAH.
THAT'S GOOD. I FEEL BETTER.

YEAH.
THAT'S GOOD. I FEEL BETTER.
WHAT TIME IS IT?

THAT'S GOOD. I FEEL BETTER.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
OOH.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
OOH.
IT'S LATE.

OOH.
IT'S LATE.
COULD YOU HOLD ME?

IT'S LATE.
COULD YOU HOLD ME?
WHAT?

COULD YOU HOLD ME?
WHAT?
WELL, I JUST WONDERED IF

WHAT?
WELL, I JUST WONDERED IF
YOU'D HOLD ME.

WELL, I JUST WONDERED IF
YOU'D HOLD ME.
I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN SO CLOSE AND

YOU'D HOLD ME.
I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN SO CLOSE AND
EVERYTHING, AND I LIKE THAT

I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN SO CLOSE AND
EVERYTHING, AND I LIKE THAT
PART, THE HOLDING PART.

EVERYTHING, AND I LIKE THAT
PART, THE HOLDING PART.
I LIKE THAT AS MUCH AS THE OTHER

PART, THE HOLDING PART.
I LIKE THAT AS MUCH AS THE OTHER
PART.

I LIKE THAT AS MUCH AS THE OTHER
PART.
WELL, SURE.

PART.
WELL, SURE.
I LIKE IT, TOO.

WELL, SURE.
I LIKE IT, TOO.
WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, UH,
PERSONAL?
SURE.

PERSONAL?
SURE.
UM...

SURE.
UM...
I DON'T WANT TO PRY, BUT WHO'S

UM...
I DON'T WANT TO PRY, BUT WHO'S
PHIL?

I DON'T WANT TO PRY, BUT WHO'S
PHIL?
HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PHIL?

PHIL?
HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PHIL?
WELL, IN THE MIDDLE OF IT,

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PHIL?
WELL, IN THE MIDDLE OF IT,
YOU SAID HIS NAME, YOU KNOW?

WELL, IN THE MIDDLE OF IT,
YOU SAID HIS NAME, YOU KNOW?
OH, GEE. I'M SORRY.

YOU SAID HIS NAME, YOU KNOW?
OH, GEE. I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY. WHO IS HE?

OH, GEE. I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY. WHO IS HE?
WELL, PHIL... PHIL'S MY OLD

IT'S OKAY. WHO IS HE?
WELL, PHIL... PHIL'S MY OLD
BOYFRIEND.

WELL, PHIL... PHIL'S MY OLD
BOYFRIEND.
WE JUST BROKE UP A COUPLE WEEKS

BOYFRIEND.
WE JUST BROKE UP A COUPLE WEEKS
AGO.

WE JUST BROKE UP A COUPLE WEEKS
AGO.
I'M SORRY.

AGO.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR

I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR
FEELINGS, REALLY, I DIDN'T.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR
FEELINGS, REALLY, I DIDN'T.
OH, NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY.

FEELINGS, REALLY, I DIDN'T.
OH, NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY.
NOW I UNDERSTAND.

OH, NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY.
NOW I UNDERSTAND.
I WAS JUST WONDERING.

NOW I UNDERSTAND.
I WAS JUST WONDERING.
IT'S OKAY.

I WAS JUST WONDERING.
IT'S OKAY.
YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A

IT'S OKAY.
YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A
PERSONAL QUESTION?

YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A
PERSONAL QUESTION?
OF COURSE. SHOOT.

PERSONAL QUESTION?
OF COURSE. SHOOT.
WHO'S TERRY?

OF COURSE. SHOOT.
WHO'S TERRY?
LIKE, IN THE MIDDLE OF

WHO'S TERRY?
LIKE, IN THE MIDDLE OF
EVERYTHING, YOU SAID, "TERRY."

LIKE, IN THE MIDDLE OF
EVERYTHING, YOU SAID, "TERRY."
I'M TERRY.

EVERYTHING, YOU SAID, "TERRY."
I'M TERRY.
TERRY FORRESTER.

I'M TERRY.
TERRY FORRESTER.
OH, I REMEMBER.

TERRY FORRESTER.
OH, I REMEMBER.
YOU TOLD ME AT THE PARTY.

OH, I REMEMBER.
YOU TOLD ME AT THE PARTY.
RIGHT. I REMEMBER.

YOU TOLD ME AT THE PARTY.
RIGHT. I REMEMBER.
THAT'S JUST SORT OF A HABIT

RIGHT. I REMEMBER.
THAT'S JUST SORT OF A HABIT
FROM ALL THOSE NIGHTS ALONE.

THAT'S JUST SORT OF A HABIT
FROM ALL THOSE NIGHTS ALONE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR

FROM ALL THOSE NIGHTS ALONE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR
FEELINGS.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR
FEELINGS.
TERRY?

FEELINGS.
TERRY?
YEAH?

TERRY?
YEAH?
CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER

YEAH?
CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER
QUESTION?

CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER
QUESTION?
YEAH, SURE.

QUESTION?
YEAH, SURE.
WHO'S MOMMY?

YEAH, SURE.
WHO'S MOMMY?
I SAID "MOMMY"?

WHO'S MOMMY?
I SAID "MOMMY"?
YEAH.

I SAID "MOMMY"?
YEAH.
M-MOMMY'S MY MIDDLE NAME...

YEAH.
M-MOMMY'S MY MIDDLE NAME...
TERRY MOMMY FORRESTER.

M-MOMMY'S MY MIDDLE NAME...
TERRY MOMMY FORRESTER.
I SWEAR.

TERRY MOMMY FORRESTER.
I SWEAR.
I BELIEVE YOU.

I SWEAR.
I BELIEVE YOU.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUNNY.

I BELIEVE YOU.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUNNY.
WELL, IT'S GETTING PRETTY LATE.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUNNY.
WELL, IT'S GETTING PRETTY LATE.
WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO GET UP

WELL, IT'S GETTING PRETTY LATE.
WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO GET UP
FOR WORK?

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO GET UP
FOR WORK?
OH, MY BOSS IS OUT OF TOWN.

FOR WORK?
OH, MY BOSS IS OUT OF TOWN.
I DON'T HAVE TO GO IN TILL THE

OH, MY BOSS IS OUT OF TOWN.
I DON'T HAVE TO GO IN TILL THE
AFTERNOON.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO IN TILL THE
AFTERNOON.
WOW. YOU'RE LUCKY.

AFTERNOON.
WOW. YOU'RE LUCKY.
I'VE GOT A 9:30 CLASS.

WOW. YOU'RE LUCKY.
I'VE GOT A 9:30 CLASS.
IT TAKES ME 45 MINUTES TO GET

I'VE GOT A 9:30 CLASS.
IT TAKES ME 45 MINUTES TO GET
THERE.

IT TAKES ME 45 MINUTES TO GET
THERE.
CLASS?

THERE.
CLASS?
YEAH.

CLASS?
YEAH.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU

YEAH.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
PITCHED FOR THE YANKEES.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
PITCHED FOR THE YANKEES.
I DID? YEAH. WELL.

PITCHED FOR THE YANKEES.
I DID? YEAH. WELL.
YOU EVEN PROMISED YOU'D GIVE

I DID? YEAH. WELL.
YOU EVEN PROMISED YOU'D GIVE
ME TICKETS FOR OPENING DAY.

YOU EVEN PROMISED YOU'D GIVE
ME TICKETS FOR OPENING DAY.
LOOK, I WAS LYING.

ME TICKETS FOR OPENING DAY.
LOOK, I WAS LYING.
I JUST, UM... I'LL LEVEL WITH

LOOK, I WAS LYING.
I JUST, UM... I'LL LEVEL WITH
YOU.

I JUST, UM... I'LL LEVEL WITH
YOU.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO GO HOME

YOU.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO GO HOME
WITH ME, YOU KNOW?

I JUST WANTED YOU TO GO HOME
WITH ME, YOU KNOW?
I WANTED TO TAKE YOU HOME.

WITH ME, YOU KNOW?
I WANTED TO TAKE YOU HOME.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD SOUND A

I WANTED TO TAKE YOU HOME.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD SOUND A
LITTLE BIT BETTER IF I WAS

I THOUGHT IT WOULD SOUND A
LITTLE BIT BETTER IF I WAS
PITCHING FOR THE YANKEES.

LITTLE BIT BETTER IF I WAS
PITCHING FOR THE YANKEES.
I TELL YOU I'M TEACHING DRIVER'S

PITCHING FOR THE YANKEES.
I TELL YOU I'M TEACHING DRIVER'S
ED FOR RODELL JUNIOR HIGH, YOU

I TELL YOU I'M TEACHING DRIVER'S
ED FOR RODELL JUNIOR HIGH, YOU
KNOW...

ED FOR RODELL JUNIOR HIGH, YOU
KNOW...
I UNDERSTAND.

KNOW...
I UNDERSTAND.
YOU MUST REALLY LIKE BASEBALL.

I UNDERSTAND.
YOU MUST REALLY LIKE BASEBALL.
NEVER MISS A GAME.

YOU MUST REALLY LIKE BASEBALL.
NEVER MISS A GAME.
YEAH, ME EITHER, ESPECIALLY

NEVER MISS A GAME.
YEAH, ME EITHER, ESPECIALLY
THE YANKEES.

YEAH, ME EITHER, ESPECIALLY
THE YANKEES.
I FOLLOW THEM CLOSELY, LIKE I

THE YANKEES.
I FOLLOW THEM CLOSELY, LIKE I
KNOW THE WHOLE ROSTER.

I FOLLOW THEM CLOSELY, LIKE I
KNOW THE WHOLE ROSTER.
WELL, WHY DID YOU LET ME LIE

KNOW THE WHOLE ROSTER.
WELL, WHY DID YOU LET ME LIE
TO YOU LIKE THAT?

WELL, WHY DID YOU LET ME LIE
TO YOU LIKE THAT?
WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO

TO YOU LIKE THAT?
WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS YOU, AND I WAS AFRAID

WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS YOU, AND I WAS AFRAID
YOU WOULDN'T TAKE ME HOME.

EMBARRASS YOU, AND I WAS AFRAID
YOU WOULDN'T TAKE ME HOME.
AND I KNEW YOU'D TELL ME THE

YOU WOULDN'T TAKE ME HOME.
AND I KNEW YOU'D TELL ME THE
TRUTH, EVENTUALLY.

AND I KNEW YOU'D TELL ME THE
TRUTH, EVENTUALLY.
WELL, THAT'S REAL NICE OF

TRUTH, EVENTUALLY.
WELL, THAT'S REAL NICE OF
YOU.

WELL, THAT'S REAL NICE OF
YOU.
THAT'S REAL NICE.

YOU.
THAT'S REAL NICE.
I GOT TO GO.

THAT'S REAL NICE.
I GOT TO GO.
WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I GOT TO GO.
WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I TOLD YOU.

WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I TOLD YOU.
I GOT AN EARLY CLASS.

I TOLD YOU.
I GOT AN EARLY CLASS.
I GOT TO GET READY.

I GOT AN EARLY CLASS.
I GOT TO GET READY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STAY

I GOT TO GET READY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STAY
IF YOU WANT TO.

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STAY
IF YOU WANT TO.
I CAN? AFTER I LIED?

IF YOU WANT TO.
I CAN? AFTER I LIED?
SURE.

I CAN? AFTER I LIED?
SURE.
IT'S YOUR APARTMENT.

[SNEEZES]
THE CLASS OF '67 FROM HICKSVILLE
HIGH OUT ON LONG ISLAND IS

THE CLASS OF '67 FROM HICKSVILLE
HIGH OUT ON LONG ISLAND IS
HAVING THEIR REUNION TONIGHT,

HIGH OUT ON LONG ISLAND IS
HAVING THEIR REUNION TONIGHT,
AND ONE ALUMNUS WILL NOT BE

HAVING THEIR REUNION TONIGHT,
AND ONE ALUMNUS WILL NOT BE
THERE BECAUSE HE'S HERE.

AND ONE ALUMNUS WILL NOT BE
THERE BECAUSE HE'S HERE.
IT'S MY SPECIAL GUEST.

THERE BECAUSE HE'S HERE.
IT'S MY SPECIAL GUEST.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT'S MY SPECIAL GUEST.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BILLY JOEL.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BILLY JOEL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BILLY JOEL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "ONLY THE GOOD DIE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "ONLY THE GOOD DIE
YOUNG" PLAYS]

♪ COME OUT, VIRGINIA ♪
♪ DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪
♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH

♪ DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪
♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH
TOO LATE ♪

♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH
TOO LATE ♪
♪ OH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT

TOO LATE ♪
♪ OH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT
COMES DOWN TO FATE ♪

♪ OH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT
COMES DOWN TO FATE ♪
♪ I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE ♪

COMES DOWN TO FATE ♪
♪ I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE ♪
♪ WELL, THEY SHOWED YOU A STATUE

♪ I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE ♪
♪ WELL, THEY SHOWED YOU A STATUE
AND TOLD YOU TO PRAY ♪

♪ WELL, THEY SHOWED YOU A STATUE
AND TOLD YOU TO PRAY ♪
♪ THEY BUILT YOU A TEMPLE AND

AND TOLD YOU TO PRAY ♪
♪ THEY BUILT YOU A TEMPLE AND
LOCKED YOU AWAY ♪

♪ THEY BUILT YOU A TEMPLE AND
LOCKED YOU AWAY ♪
♪ OH, BUT THEY NEVER TOLD YOU

LOCKED YOU AWAY ♪
♪ OH, BUT THEY NEVER TOLD YOU
THE PRICE THAT YOU PAY ♪

♪ OH, BUT THEY NEVER TOLD YOU
THE PRICE THAT YOU PAY ♪
♪ FOR THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE

THE PRICE THAT YOU PAY ♪
♪ FOR THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE
DONE ♪

♪ FOR THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE
DONE ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

DONE ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD I RUN

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD I RUN
WITH A DANGEROUS CROWD ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD I RUN
WITH A DANGEROUS CROWD ♪
♪ WE AIN'T TOO PRETTY ♪

WITH A DANGEROUS CROWD ♪
♪ WE AIN'T TOO PRETTY ♪
♪ WE AIN'T TOO PROUD ♪

♪ WE AIN'T TOO PRETTY ♪
♪ WE AIN'T TOO PROUD ♪
♪ WE MIGHT BE LAUGHING A BIT TOO

♪ WE AIN'T TOO PROUD ♪
♪ WE MIGHT BE LAUGHING A BIT TOO
LOUD ♪

♪ WE MIGHT BE LAUGHING A BIT TOO
LOUD ♪
♪ OH, BUT THAT NEVER HURT NO

LOUD ♪
♪ OH, BUT THAT NEVER HURT NO
ONE ♪

♪ OH, BUT THAT NEVER HURT NO
ONE ♪
♪ SO, COME ON, VIRGINIA, SHOW ME

ONE ♪
♪ SO, COME ON, VIRGINIA, SHOW ME
A SIGN ♪

♪ SO, COME ON, VIRGINIA, SHOW ME
A SIGN ♪
♪ SEND UP A SIGNAL ♪

A SIGN ♪
♪ SEND UP A SIGNAL ♪
♪ I'LL THROW YOU THE LINE ♪

♪ SEND UP A SIGNAL ♪
♪ I'LL THROW YOU THE LINE ♪
♪ THE STAINED-GLASS CURTAIN

♪ I'LL THROW YOU THE LINE ♪
♪ THE STAINED-GLASS CURTAIN
YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND ♪

♪ THE STAINED-GLASS CURTAIN
YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND ♪
♪ NEVER LETS IN THE SUN ♪

YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND ♪
♪ NEVER LETS IN THE SUN ♪
♪ DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD DIE

♪ NEVER LETS IN THE SUN ♪
♪ DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD DIE
YOUNG ♪

♪ DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD DIE
YOUNG ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

YOUNG ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ YOU GOT A NICE WHITE DRESS AND

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ YOU GOT A NICE WHITE DRESS AND
A PARTY ON YOUR CONFIRMATION ♪

♪ YOU GOT A NICE WHITE DRESS AND
A PARTY ON YOUR CONFIRMATION ♪
♪ YOU GOT A BRAND-NEW SOUL ♪

A PARTY ON YOUR CONFIRMATION ♪
♪ YOU GOT A BRAND-NEW SOUL ♪
♪ MMM, AND A CROSS OF GOLD ♪

♪ YOU GOT A BRAND-NEW SOUL ♪
♪ MMM, AND A CROSS OF GOLD ♪
♪ BUT, VIRGINIA, THEY DIDN'T

♪ MMM, AND A CROSS OF GOLD ♪
♪ BUT, VIRGINIA, THEY DIDN'T
GIVE YOU QUITE ENOUGH

♪ BUT, VIRGINIA, THEY DIDN'T
GIVE YOU QUITE ENOUGH
INFORMATION ♪

GIVE YOU QUITE ENOUGH
INFORMATION ♪
♪ OH, YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON ME ♪

INFORMATION ♪
♪ OH, YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON ME ♪
♪ WHEN YOU WERE COUNTING ON YOUR

♪ OH, YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON ME ♪
♪ WHEN YOU WERE COUNTING ON YOUR
ROSARY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WERE COUNTING ON YOUR
ROSARY ♪
♪ OH, WHOA, WHOA ♪

ROSARY ♪
♪ OH, WHOA, WHOA ♪
♪ AND THEY SAY THERE'S A HEAVEN

♪ OH, WHOA, WHOA ♪
♪ AND THEY SAY THERE'S A HEAVEN
FOR THOSE WHO WILL WAIT ♪

♪ AND THEY SAY THERE'S A HEAVEN
FOR THOSE WHO WILL WAIT ♪
♪ SOME SAY IT'S BETTER ♪

FOR THOSE WHO WILL WAIT ♪
♪ SOME SAY IT'S BETTER ♪
♪ BUT I SAY IT AIN'T ♪

♪ SOME SAY IT'S BETTER ♪
♪ BUT I SAY IT AIN'T ♪
♪ I'D RATHER LAUGH WITH THE

♪ BUT I SAY IT AIN'T ♪
♪ I'D RATHER LAUGH WITH THE
SINNERS THAN CRY WITH THE

♪ I'D RATHER LAUGH WITH THE
SINNERS THAN CRY WITH THE
SAINTS ♪

SINNERS THAN CRY WITH THE
SAINTS ♪
♪ SINNERS ARE MUCH MORE FUN ♪

SAINTS ♪
♪ SINNERS ARE MUCH MORE FUN ♪
♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ONLY THE

♪ SINNERS ARE MUCH MORE FUN ♪
♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ONLY THE
GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ONLY THE
GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
[SAXOPHONE SOLO]

♪ YOU SAY YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU
ALL THAT I COULD GIVE YOU WAS A
REPUTATION ♪

ALL THAT I COULD GIVE YOU WAS A
REPUTATION ♪
♪ OH, SHE NEVER CARED FOR ME ♪

REPUTATION ♪
♪ OH, SHE NEVER CARED FOR ME ♪
♪ BUT DID SHE EVER SAY A PRAYER

♪ OH, SHE NEVER CARED FOR ME ♪
♪ BUT DID SHE EVER SAY A PRAYER
FOR ME? ♪

♪ BUT DID SHE EVER SAY A PRAYER
FOR ME? ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

FOR ME? ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ COME OUT, COME OUT, COME OUT,

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ COME OUT, COME OUT, COME OUT,
VIRGINIA, DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪

♪ COME OUT, COME OUT, COME OUT,
VIRGINIA, DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪
♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH

VIRGINIA, DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪
♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH
TOO LATE ♪

♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH
TOO LATE ♪
♪ BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES

TOO LATE ♪
♪ BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES
DOWN TO FATE ♪

♪ BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES
DOWN TO FATE ♪
♪ I WANT TO BE THE ONE ♪

DOWN TO FATE ♪
♪ I WANT TO BE THE ONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD

♪ I WANT TO BE THE ONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD
DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ 'CAUSE, DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD
DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GO-O-O-O-O-OD ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ ONLY THE GO-O-O-O-O-OD ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GO-O-O-O-O-OD ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ OOOOOOOH ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
♪ OOOOOOOH ♪
♪ OOOOOOOH ♪

♪ OOOOOOOH ♪
♪ OOOOOOOH ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ OOOOOOOH ♪
♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[New England accent] UH,
MARTIN, I, UH, JUST WANTED YOU
TO KNOW THAT MY BROTHER AND I

MARTIN, I, UH, JUST WANTED YOU
TO KNOW THAT MY BROTHER AND I
HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING

TO KNOW THAT MY BROTHER AND I
HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING
YOU HERE IN HYANNIS PORT.

HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING
YOU HERE IN HYANNIS PORT.
BOBBY AND I LIKE TO FEEL AS IF

YOU HERE IN HYANNIS PORT.
BOBBY AND I LIKE TO FEEL AS IF
WE'RE ALL OLD FRIENDS.

BOBBY AND I LIKE TO FEEL AS IF
WE'RE ALL OLD FRIENDS.
VERY WELL, THEN.

WE'RE ALL OLD FRIENDS.
VERY WELL, THEN.
HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY OLD

VERY WELL, THEN.
HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY OLD
FRIEND BOBBY?

HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY OLD
FRIEND BOBBY?
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE HE'S GONE?

FRIEND BOBBY?
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE HE'S GONE?
WELL, I, UH... I, UH, THINK

CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE HE'S GONE?
WELL, I, UH... I, UH, THINK
HE WENT TO THE, UH, KITCHEN TO

WELL, I, UH... I, UH, THINK
HE WENT TO THE, UH, KITCHEN TO
GET A CUP OF, UH, CHOWDER.

HE WENT TO THE, UH, KITCHEN TO
GET A CUP OF, UH, CHOWDER.
WELL, THEN, MAY I TAKE A

GET A CUP OF, UH, CHOWDER.
WELL, THEN, MAY I TAKE A
BRIEF MOMENT OF THIS PRECIOUS

WELL, THEN, MAY I TAKE A
BRIEF MOMENT OF THIS PRECIOUS
TIME TO USE THE BATHROOM?

BRIEF MOMENT OF THIS PRECIOUS
TIME TO USE THE BATHROOM?
SURE, MARTIN.

TIME TO USE THE BATHROOM?
SURE, MARTIN.
THE BATHROOM'S JUST RIGHT HERE,

SURE, MARTIN.
THE BATHROOM'S JUST RIGHT HERE,
FIRST DOOR ON THE RIGHT.

THE BATHROOM'S JUST RIGHT HERE,
FIRST DOOR ON THE RIGHT.
THANK YOU, JOHN.

FIRST DOOR ON THE RIGHT.
THANK YOU, JOHN.
I SHALL NOT BE LONG, FOR I SHALL

THANK YOU, JOHN.
I SHALL NOT BE LONG, FOR I SHALL
ONLY URINATE.

I SHALL NOT BE LONG, FOR I SHALL
ONLY URINATE.
[New England accent] MMM.

ONLY URINATE.
[New England accent] MMM.
THAT'S, UH, G-G-GOOD CHOWDER.

[New England accent] MMM.
THAT'S, UH, G-G-GOOD CHOWDER.
HEY, HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY

THAT'S, UH, G-G-GOOD CHOWDER.
HEY, HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY
OLD FRIEND MARTIN?

HEY, HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY
OLD FRIEND MARTIN?
I JUST TURNED AROUND, AND HE'S

OLD FRIEND MARTIN?
I JUST TURNED AROUND, AND HE'S
GONE.

I JUST TURNED AROUND, AND HE'S
GONE.
UH, HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

GONE.
UH, HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
DOES HE SEEM TO TRUST US,

UH, HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
DOES HE SEEM TO TRUST US,
JOHN?

DOES HE SEEM TO TRUST US,
JOHN?
I THINK SO, BOBBY.

JOHN?
I THINK SO, BOBBY.
HE'S BOUGHT THAT OLD FRIEND

I THINK SO, BOBBY.
HE'S BOUGHT THAT OLD FRIEND
LINE, YOU KNOW.

HE'S BOUGHT THAT OLD FRIEND
LINE, YOU KNOW.
OH, GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.

LINE, YOU KNOW.
OH, GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.
SAY, IT'S, UH, GOOD CHOWDER?

OH, GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.
SAY, IT'S, UH, GOOD CHOWDER?
GOOD CHOWDER.

SAY, IT'S, UH, GOOD CHOWDER?
GOOD CHOWDER.
THE, UH, CLAMS ARE, UH, VERY...

GOOD CHOWDER.
THE, UH, CLAMS ARE, UH, VERY...
VERY TENDER.

THE, UH, CLAMS ARE, UH, VERY...
VERY TENDER.
I, UH... I THINK THEY WERE

VERY TENDER.
I, UH... I THINK THEY WERE
RATHER YOUNG CLAMS.

I, UH... I THINK THEY WERE
RATHER YOUNG CLAMS.
IT SEEMS, UH, THE GOOD ONES,

RATHER YOUNG CLAMS.
IT SEEMS, UH, THE GOOD ONES,
THEY, UH, DIE YOUNG.

IT SEEMS, UH, THE GOOD ONES,
THEY, UH, DIE YOUNG.
I THINK I'LL, UH, GET SOME

THEY, UH, DIE YOUNG.
I THINK I'LL, UH, GET SOME
CHOWDER, TOO.

I THINK I'LL, UH, GET SOME
CHOWDER, TOO.
MMM. GOOD.

CHOWDER, TOO.
MMM. GOOD.
IT'S, UH, IT'S G-G-GOOD CHOWDER,

MMM. GOOD.
IT'S, UH, IT'S G-G-GOOD CHOWDER,
JACK.

IT'S, UH, IT'S G-G-GOOD CHOWDER,
JACK.
OH, UH, MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN,

JACK.
OH, UH, MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.

OH, UH, MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY OLD FRIEND

GOOD TO SEE YOU.
SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY OLD FRIEND
JOHN?

SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY OLD FRIEND
JOHN?
HE, UH, WENT TO GO GET SOME

JOHN?
HE, UH, WENT TO GO GET SOME
CHOWDER.

HE, UH, WENT TO GO GET SOME
CHOWDER.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

CHOWDER.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
IT'S GOOD CHOWDER.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
IT'S GOOD CHOWDER.
IS IT NEW ENGLAND CLAM

IT'S GOOD CHOWDER.
IS IT NEW ENGLAND CLAM
CHOWDER?

IS IT NEW ENGLAND CLAM
CHOWDER?
IS THE PRESIDENT CATHOLIC?

CHOWDER?
IS THE PRESIDENT CATHOLIC?
[BOTH LAUGH]

IS THE PRESIDENT CATHOLIC?
[BOTH LAUGH]
NO, THANK YOU.

[BOTH LAUGH]
NO, THANK YOU.
I PREFER MANHATTAN STYLE.

NO, THANK YOU.
I PREFER MANHATTAN STYLE.
UH, MARTIN, DID JACK GIVE YOU

I PREFER MANHATTAN STYLE.
UH, MARTIN, DID JACK GIVE YOU
ONE OF HIS PT-109 TIE CLASPS?

UH, MARTIN, DID JACK GIVE YOU
ONE OF HIS PT-109 TIE CLASPS?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE HE DID.

ONE OF HIS PT-109 TIE CLASPS?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE HE DID.
YEAH, WELL, HE'D BE HONORED

NO, I DON'T BELIEVE HE DID.
YEAH, WELL, HE'D BE HONORED
IF YOU WOULD WEAR THIS FOR HIM,

YEAH, WELL, HE'D BE HONORED
IF YOU WOULD WEAR THIS FOR HIM,
AND IF YOU'D SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO

IF YOU WOULD WEAR THIS FOR HIM,
AND IF YOU'D SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO
IT, OKAY?

AND IF YOU'D SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO
IT, OKAY?
WELL, I THANK YOU ON BEHALF

IT, OKAY?
WELL, I THANK YOU ON BEHALF
OF THE ENTIRE KING FAMILY.

WELL, I THANK YOU ON BEHALF
OF THE ENTIRE KING FAMILY.
AH, GOOD CHOWDER.

OF THE ENTIRE KING FAMILY.
AH, GOOD CHOWDER.
UH, JOHN, BOBBY, AS YOU KNOW,

AH, GOOD CHOWDER.
UH, JOHN, BOBBY, AS YOU KNOW,
I'VE COME TO DISCUSS OUR

UH, JOHN, BOBBY, AS YOU KNOW,
I'VE COME TO DISCUSS OUR
INTENTION TO ORGANIZE A MARCH ON

I'VE COME TO DISCUSS OUR
INTENTION TO ORGANIZE A MARCH ON
WASHINGTON.

INTENTION TO ORGANIZE A MARCH ON
WASHINGTON.
IT CAN'T BE DONE NOW!

WASHINGTON.
IT CAN'T BE DONE NOW!
IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME!

IT CAN'T BE DONE NOW!
IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME!
HMM.

IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME!
HMM.
HMM.

HMM.
HMM.
WHITE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING

HMM.
WHITE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING
IT'S NEVER... OR NOT, RATHER...

WHITE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING
IT'S NEVER... OR NOT, RATHER...
THE RIGHT TIME.

IT'S NEVER... OR NOT, RATHER...
THE RIGHT TIME.
WHEN... YOU TELL ME... WHEN IS

THE RIGHT TIME.
WHEN... YOU TELL ME... WHEN IS
THE RIGHT TIME?

WHEN... YOU TELL ME... WHEN IS
THE RIGHT TIME?
WHEN I'M PRESIDENT!

THE RIGHT TIME?
WHEN I'M PRESIDENT!
BOBBY!

WHEN I'M PRESIDENT!
BOBBY!
I'M SORRY, JACK.

BOBBY!
I'M SORRY, JACK.
MARTIN, LET'S PUT ASIDE THESE

I'M SORRY, JACK.
MARTIN, LET'S PUT ASIDE THESE
SERIOUS MATTERS FOR A MOMENT AND

MARTIN, LET'S PUT ASIDE THESE
SERIOUS MATTERS FOR A MOMENT AND
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS OLD

SERIOUS MATTERS FOR A MOMENT AND
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS OLD
FRIENDS.

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS OLD
FRIENDS.
HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A WHITE

FRIENDS.
HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A WHITE
GIRL?

HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A WHITE
GIRL?
DOES YOUR SISTER COUNT?

GIRL?
DOES YOUR SISTER COUNT?
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A PRIVATE

DOES YOUR SISTER COUNT?
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A PRIVATE
BEACH HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A PRIVATE
BEACH HERE.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO DOWN

BEACH HERE.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO DOWN
AND SWIM IN THE NUDE WITH SOME

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO DOWN
AND SWIM IN THE NUDE WITH SOME
OF THE SECRETARIES?

AND SWIM IN THE NUDE WITH SOME
OF THE SECRETARIES?
GENTLEMEN, YOU DON'T SEEM TO

OF THE SECRETARIES?
GENTLEMEN, YOU DON'T SEEM TO
UNDERSTAND THE IMPORT OF WHAT

GENTLEMEN, YOU DON'T SEEM TO
UNDERSTAND THE IMPORT OF WHAT
I'M TRYING TO DO.

UNDERSTAND THE IMPORT OF WHAT
I'M TRYING TO DO.
DIDN'T YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT

I'M TRYING TO DO.
DIDN'T YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT
I STOOD FOR?

DIDN'T YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT
I STOOD FOR?
SURE, I CHEAT... CHEATED A

I STOOD FOR?
SURE, I CHEAT... CHEATED A
LITTLE BIT.

SURE, I CHEAT... CHEATED A
LITTLE BIT.
BUT IT'S NOT A PREOCCUPATION,

LITTLE BIT.
BUT IT'S NOT A PREOCCUPATION,
GENTLEMEN.

BUT IT'S NOT A PREOCCUPATION,
GENTLEMEN.
GOODBYE.

GENTLEMEN.
GOODBYE.
DON'T LEAVE ANGRY, NOW,

GOODBYE.
DON'T LEAVE ANGRY, NOW,
MARTIN.

DON'T LEAVE ANGRY, NOW,
MARTIN.
WE'RE THE KENNEDYS.

MARTIN.
WE'RE THE KENNEDYS.
DON'T CROSS US!

WE'RE THE KENNEDYS.
DON'T CROSS US!
DON'T WORRY ABOUT MARTIN,

DON'T CROSS US!
DON'T WORRY ABOUT MARTIN,
BOBBY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT MARTIN,
BOBBY.
IN 15 YEARS, THE THREE OF US

BOBBY.
IN 15 YEARS, THE THREE OF US
WILL PROBABLY LOOK BACK ON THIS

IN 15 YEARS, THE THREE OF US
WILL PROBABLY LOOK BACK ON THIS
AND LAUGH.

WILL PROBABLY LOOK BACK ON THIS
AND LAUGH.
WELL, MAYBE NOT.

AND LAUGH.
WELL, MAYBE NOT.
IN FACT, I'M SURE WE WON'T

WELL, MAYBE NOT.
IN FACT, I'M SURE WE WON'T
LAUGH.

IN FACT, I'M SURE WE WON'T
LAUGH.
I'M SURE OF IT.

LAUGH.
I'M SURE OF IT.
HOW ABOUT THROWING AROUND A

I'M SURE OF IT.
HOW ABOUT THROWING AROUND A
FOOTBALL, MAYBE GO OUT AND HAVE

HOW ABOUT THROWING AROUND A
FOOTBALL, MAYBE GO OUT AND HAVE
A GAME OF TOUCH FOOTBALL?

FOOTBALL, MAYBE GO OUT AND HAVE
A GAME OF TOUCH FOOTBALL?
I KNOW.

A GAME OF TOUCH FOOTBALL?
I KNOW.
LET'S GO GET SOME MORE CHOWDER.

I KNOW.
LET'S GO GET SOME MORE CHOWDER.
CHOWDER.

LET'S GO GET SOME MORE CHOWDER.
CHOWDER.
I'D PREFER THAT IMMENSELY.

CHOWDER.
I'D PREFER THAT IMMENSELY.
LET'S GO GET THE CHOWDER.

STILL TO COME, LEON SPINKS
WINS THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE.
THIS AND OTHER STORIES ON

WINS THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE.
THIS AND OTHER STORIES ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEXT.

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY PUSSYWHIP.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY PUSSYWHIP.
PUSSYWHIP... THE FIRST DESSERT

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PUSSYWHIP.
PUSSYWHIP... THE FIRST DESSERT
TOPPING FOR CATS.

PUSSYWHIP... THE FIRST DESSERT
TOPPING FOR CATS.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

TOPPING FOR CATS.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
I WILL BE DAN AYKROYD.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
I WILL BE DAN AYKROYD.
AND I AM JANE CURTIN.

I WILL BE DAN AYKROYD.
AND I AM JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... MORE

AND I AM JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... MORE
DETAILS ON THAT

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... MORE
DETAILS ON THAT
H.R. BOB HALDEMAN BOOK

DETAILS ON THAT
H.R. BOB HALDEMAN BOOK
"THE ENDS OF POWER"... NIXON

H.R. BOB HALDEMAN BOOK
"THE ENDS OF POWER"... NIXON
STEALING SILVERWARE, NIXON

"THE ENDS OF POWER"... NIXON
STEALING SILVERWARE, NIXON
SMEARING OATMEAL ON HIS LAPELS,

STEALING SILVERWARE, NIXON
SMEARING OATMEAL ON HIS LAPELS,
NIXON KILLING A CUBAN BUSBOY,

SMEARING OATMEAL ON HIS LAPELS,
NIXON KILLING A CUBAN BUSBOY,
AND A SAD, EMBITTERED NIXON

NIXON KILLING A CUBAN BUSBOY,
AND A SAD, EMBITTERED NIXON
BARKING LIKE A DOG AND SLEEPING

AND A SAD, EMBITTERED NIXON
BARKING LIKE A DOG AND SLEEPING
IN PACKING CRATES.

BARKING LIKE A DOG AND SLEEPING
IN PACKING CRATES.
HALDEMAN EXPECTS THE BOOK TO

IN PACKING CRATES.
HALDEMAN EXPECTS THE BOOK TO
GROSS MILLIONS AND PLANS TO USE

HALDEMAN EXPECTS THE BOOK TO
GROSS MILLIONS AND PLANS TO USE
THE MONEY TO RESHAPE THE TOP OF

GROSS MILLIONS AND PLANS TO USE
THE MONEY TO RESHAPE THE TOP OF
HIS HEAD, WHICH CURRENTLY LOOKS

THE MONEY TO RESHAPE THE TOP OF
HIS HEAD, WHICH CURRENTLY LOOKS
LIKE A PUTTING GREEN.

HIS HEAD, WHICH CURRENTLY LOOKS
LIKE A PUTTING GREEN.
AND IN ANOTHER STORY FROM

LIKE A PUTTING GREEN.
AND IN ANOTHER STORY FROM
WASHINGTON, DEMOCRATIC

AND IN ANOTHER STORY FROM
WASHINGTON, DEMOCRATIC
CONGRESSMAN DANIEL FLOOD OF

WASHINGTON, DEMOCRATIC
CONGRESSMAN DANIEL FLOOD OF
PENNSYLVANIA... BEING

CONGRESSMAN DANIEL FLOOD OF
PENNSYLVANIA... BEING
INVESTIGATED FOR INFLUENCE

PENNSYLVANIA... BEING
INVESTIGATED FOR INFLUENCE
PEDALING... ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK

INVESTIGATED FOR INFLUENCE
PEDALING... ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK
THAT HE WILL ENTER WALTER REED

PEDALING... ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK
THAT HE WILL ENTER WALTER REED
HOSPITAL NEXT MONTH FOR SURGERY

THAT HE WILL ENTER WALTER REED
HOSPITAL NEXT MONTH FOR SURGERY
TO HAVE THE MICE REMOVED FROM

HOSPITAL NEXT MONTH FOR SURGERY
TO HAVE THE MICE REMOVED FROM
HIS NOSTRILS.

TO HAVE THE MICE REMOVED FROM
HIS NOSTRILS.
[COUGHS]

HIS NOSTRILS.
[COUGHS]
EXCUSE ME.

[COUGHS]
EXCUSE ME.
WELL, WHAT LOOKS LIKE A

EXCUSE ME.
WELL, WHAT LOOKS LIKE A
MONUMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH IN BIRTH

WELL, WHAT LOOKS LIKE A
MONUMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH IN BIRTH
CONTROL IS BEING TESTED AT

MONUMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH IN BIRTH
CONTROL IS BEING TESTED AT
HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL.

CONTROL IS BEING TESTED AT
HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL.
PAYING HEED TO THE REPORTS ON

HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL.
PAYING HEED TO THE REPORTS ON
THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF THE PILL,

PAYING HEED TO THE REPORTS ON
THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF THE PILL,
DOCTORS ARE NOW EXPERIMENTING

THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF THE PILL,
DOCTORS ARE NOW EXPERIMENTING
WITH A MODIFIED VERSION OF THE

DOCTORS ARE NOW EXPERIMENTING
WITH A MODIFIED VERSION OF THE
POPULAR RHYTHM METHOD.

WITH A MODIFIED VERSION OF THE
POPULAR RHYTHM METHOD.
THE NEW PRACTICE, TENTATIVELY

POPULAR RHYTHM METHOD.
THE NEW PRACTICE, TENTATIVELY
REFERRED TO AS THE

THE NEW PRACTICE, TENTATIVELY
REFERRED TO AS THE
RHYTHM-AND-BLUES METHOD, IS A

REFERRED TO AS THE
RHYTHM-AND-BLUES METHOD, IS A
VARIATION WHICH INVOLVES COITUS

RHYTHM-AND-BLUES METHOD, IS A
VARIATION WHICH INVOLVES COITUS
IN THE PRESENCE OF B.B. KING,

VARIATION WHICH INVOLVES COITUS
IN THE PRESENCE OF B.B. KING,
OTIS REDDING, WILSON PICKETT,

IN THE PRESENCE OF B.B. KING,
OTIS REDDING, WILSON PICKETT,
AND JUNIOR WALKER AND THE

OTIS REDDING, WILSON PICKETT,
AND JUNIOR WALKER AND THE
ALL STARS.

AND JUNIOR WALKER AND THE
ALL STARS.
WELL, BILLY CARTER HAS BOUGHT A

ALL STARS.
WELL, BILLY CARTER HAS BOUGHT A
PARTNERSHIP IN A WEEKLY

WELL, BILLY CARTER HAS BOUGHT A
PARTNERSHIP IN A WEEKLY
NEWSPAPER, THE PLAINS STATESMAN.

PARTNERSHIP IN A WEEKLY
NEWSPAPER, THE PLAINS STATESMAN.
ACCORDING TO THE ASSOCIATED

NEWSPAPER, THE PLAINS STATESMAN.
ACCORDING TO THE ASSOCIATED
PRESS, THE AGREEMENT WAS

ACCORDING TO THE ASSOCIATED
PRESS, THE AGREEMENT WAS
UNPRETENTIOUSLY RECORDED ON A

PRESS, THE AGREEMENT WAS
UNPRETENTIOUSLY RECORDED ON A
SIMPLE, BROWN PAPER BAG.

UNPRETENTIOUSLY RECORDED ON A
SIMPLE, BROWN PAPER BAG.
AFTERWARDS, BILLY CELEBRATED THE

SIMPLE, BROWN PAPER BAG.
AFTERWARDS, BILLY CELEBRATED THE
OCCASION IN TYPICAL FASHION BY

AFTERWARDS, BILLY CELEBRATED THE
OCCASION IN TYPICAL FASHION BY
DRINKING A KEG OF BEER AND THEN

OCCASION IN TYPICAL FASHION BY
DRINKING A KEG OF BEER AND THEN
THROWING UP INTO THE AGREEMENT.

DRINKING A KEG OF BEER AND THEN
THROWING UP INTO THE AGREEMENT.
DRAIN WATER AND TOILET-BOWL

THROWING UP INTO THE AGREEMENT.
DRAIN WATER AND TOILET-BOWL
WATER, WHICH, UP UNTIL NOW, HAS

DRAIN WATER AND TOILET-BOWL
WATER, WHICH, UP UNTIL NOW, HAS
SWIRLED CLOCKWISE FOR COUNTRIES

WATER, WHICH, UP UNTIL NOW, HAS
SWIRLED CLOCKWISE FOR COUNTRIES
LOCATED ABOVE THE EQUATOR, WILL

SWIRLED CLOCKWISE FOR COUNTRIES
LOCATED ABOVE THE EQUATOR, WILL
NOW SWIRL COUNTERCLOCKWISE.

LOCATED ABOVE THE EQUATOR, WILL
NOW SWIRL COUNTERCLOCKWISE.
SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THIS AS A

NOW SWIRL COUNTERCLOCKWISE.
SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THIS AS A
RESULT OF THE ACQUISITION OF

SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THIS AS A
RESULT OF THE ACQUISITION OF
WESTERN PLUMBING BY MORE OF THE

RESULT OF THE ACQUISITION OF
WESTERN PLUMBING BY MORE OF THE
UNDERDEVELOPED NATIONS BELOW THE

WESTERN PLUMBING BY MORE OF THE
UNDERDEVELOPED NATIONS BELOW THE
EQUATOR.

UNDERDEVELOPED NATIONS BELOW THE
EQUATOR.
THEY ALSO WARN THAT IF THIS

EQUATOR.
THEY ALSO WARN THAT IF THIS
PHENOMENON ISN'T COMPENSATED FOR

THEY ALSO WARN THAT IF THIS
PHENOMENON ISN'T COMPENSATED FOR
IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE, THE

PHENOMENON ISN'T COMPENSATED FOR
IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE, THE
EARTH WILL DEVELOP A WOBBLE,

IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE, THE
EARTH WILL DEVELOP A WOBBLE,
THROWING MANY PEDESTRIANS AND

EARTH WILL DEVELOP A WOBBLE,
THROWING MANY PEDESTRIANS AND
CARS INTO BUILDINGS, AND THE

THROWING MANY PEDESTRIANS AND
CARS INTO BUILDINGS, AND THE
NORTH POLE WILL SLIP DOWN TO

CARS INTO BUILDINGS, AND THE
NORTH POLE WILL SLIP DOWN TO
ST. LOUIS.

NORTH POLE WILL SLIP DOWN TO
ST. LOUIS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

ST. LOUIS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
UH, AYKROYD.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
UH, AYKROYD.
LONG DISTANCE CALLING

UH, AYKROYD.
LONG DISTANCE CALLING
DAN AYKROYD.

LONG DISTANCE CALLING
DAN AYKROYD.
IS HE THERE, PLEASE?

DAN AYKROYD.
IS HE THERE, PLEASE?
YES, GO AHEAD.

IS HE THERE, PLEASE?
YES, GO AHEAD.
AYKROYD, THERE'S BEEN A...

YES, GO AHEAD.
AYKROYD, THERE'S BEEN A...
ACCIDENT INVOLVING...

AYKROYD, THERE'S BEEN A...
ACCIDENT INVOLVING...
MOTHER... VERY ILL...

ACCIDENT INVOLVING...
MOTHER... VERY ILL...
WHAT?

MOTHER... VERY ILL...
WHAT?
AN ACCIDENT? MY MOTHER?

WHAT?
AN ACCIDENT? MY MOTHER?
YOU BETTER COME HERE QUICK.

AN ACCIDENT? MY MOTHER?
YOU BETTER COME HERE QUICK.
SHE'S ASKING FOR YOU.

YOU BETTER COME HERE QUICK.
SHE'S ASKING FOR YOU.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

SHE'S ASKING FOR YOU.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SPLIT.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SPLIT.
OH, MY GOD.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SPLIT.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S OKAY.

OH, MY GOD.
IT'S OKAY.
I REALLY HAVE TO GO.

IT'S OKAY.
I REALLY HAVE TO GO.
IT'S A FAMILY MATTER.

I REALLY HAVE TO GO.
IT'S A FAMILY MATTER.
IT'S OKAY.

IT'S A FAMILY MATTER.
IT'S OKAY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT'S OKAY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
HAVE A CAR WAITING FOR ME!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
HAVE A CAR WAITING FOR ME!
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN.

HAVE A CAR WAITING FOR ME!
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN.
I'M AWFULLY SORRY IF ANYONE HAS

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN.
I'M AWFULLY SORRY IF ANYONE HAS
ANY TROUBLE IN THEIR FAMILY, BUT

I'M AWFULLY SORRY IF ANYONE HAS
ANY TROUBLE IN THEIR FAMILY, BUT
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

ANY TROUBLE IN THEIR FAMILY, BUT
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
TRAGEDY STRUCK IN

THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
TRAGEDY STRUCK IN
FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, THIS

TRAGEDY STRUCK IN
FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, THIS
WEEK WHEN THE ENTIRE NEW YORK

FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, THIS
WEEK WHEN THE ENTIRE NEW YORK
YANKEE BALL TEAM WAS FELLED AND

WEEK WHEN THE ENTIRE NEW YORK
YANKEE BALL TEAM WAS FELLED AND
PARALYZED BY WHAT WAS AT FIRST

YANKEE BALL TEAM WAS FELLED AND
PARALYZED BY WHAT WAS AT FIRST
BELIEVED TO BE NERVE GAS COMING

PARALYZED BY WHAT WAS AT FIRST
BELIEVED TO BE NERVE GAS COMING
FROM A NEARBY ARMY RESEARCH

BELIEVED TO BE NERVE GAS COMING
FROM A NEARBY ARMY RESEARCH
BASE.

FROM A NEARBY ARMY RESEARCH
BASE.
IT WAS LATER DISCOVERED THAT THE

BASE.
IT WAS LATER DISCOVERED THAT THE
GAS WAS ACTUALLY THE LATE

IT WAS LATER DISCOVERED THAT THE
GAS WAS ACTUALLY THE LATE
BABE RUTH'S BREATH, WHICH HAD

GAS WAS ACTUALLY THE LATE
BABE RUTH'S BREATH, WHICH HAD
BEEN TRAPPED IN A LOCKER FOR

BABE RUTH'S BREATH, WHICH HAD
BEEN TRAPPED IN A LOCKER FOR
YEARS AND SOMEHOW LEAKED OUT

BEEN TRAPPED IN A LOCKER FOR
YEARS AND SOMEHOW LEAKED OUT
ONTO THE FIELD.

YEARS AND SOMEHOW LEAKED OUT
ONTO THE FIELD.
ALL RIGHT!

ONTO THE FIELD.
ALL RIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JUST THOUGHT I'D HELP OUT IN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JUST THOUGHT I'D HELP OUT IN
A TRAGEDY OF THAT NATURE.

JUST THOUGHT I'D HELP OUT IN
A TRAGEDY OF THAT NATURE.
UNAWARE THAT THIS PICTURE WAS

A TRAGEDY OF THAT NATURE.
UNAWARE THAT THIS PICTURE WAS
TAKEN EARLIER THIS MONTH,

UNAWARE THAT THIS PICTURE WAS
TAKEN EARLIER THIS MONTH,
PRESIDENT CARTER AND FRENCH

TAKEN EARLIER THIS MONTH,
PRESIDENT CARTER AND FRENCH
PRESIDENT GISCARD d'ESTAING WERE

PRESIDENT CARTER AND FRENCH
PRESIDENT GISCARD d'ESTAING WERE
DISTURBED BY RUMORS THAT THEY

PRESIDENT GISCARD d'ESTAING WERE
DISTURBED BY RUMORS THAT THEY
HAD LEAKED DETAILS OF THIS

DISTURBED BY RUMORS THAT THEY
HAD LEAKED DETAILS OF THIS
MEETING.

HAD LEAKED DETAILS OF THIS
MEETING.
LATER, THE RUMORS WERE

MEETING.
LATER, THE RUMORS WERE
ELIMINATED AND THE TWO

LATER, THE RUMORS WERE
ELIMINATED AND THE TWO
PRESIDENTS GREATLY RELIEVED.

ELIMINATED AND THE TWO
PRESIDENTS GREATLY RELIEVED.
IN THE WORLD OF HORSE RACING,

PRESIDENTS GREATLY RELIEVED.
IN THE WORLD OF HORSE RACING,
THERE IS STILL GREAT SPECULATION

IN THE WORLD OF HORSE RACING,
THERE IS STILL GREAT SPECULATION
AS TO WHETHER OR NOT

THERE IS STILL GREAT SPECULATION
AS TO WHETHER OR NOT
SEATTLE SLEW WILL RACE AGAIN OR

AS TO WHETHER OR NOT
SEATTLE SLEW WILL RACE AGAIN OR
JUST BE PUT OUT TO STUD.

SEATTLE SLEW WILL RACE AGAIN OR
JUST BE PUT OUT TO STUD.
MEADOW MUFFIN FARMS, THE

JUST BE PUT OUT TO STUD.
MEADOW MUFFIN FARMS, THE
SYNDICATE THAT OWNS

MEADOW MUFFIN FARMS, THE
SYNDICATE THAT OWNS
SEATTLE SLEW, IS STILL

SYNDICATE THAT OWNS
SEATTLE SLEW, IS STILL
UNDECIDED.

SEATTLE SLEW, IS STILL
UNDECIDED.
WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT, THE

UNDECIDED.
WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT, THE
FORMER TRIPLE CROWN WINNER SAID,

WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT, THE
FORMER TRIPLE CROWN WINNER SAID,
[As Mister Ed] "YOU MEAN, I

FORMER TRIPLE CROWN WINNER SAID,
[As Mister Ed] "YOU MEAN, I
HAVE A CHOICE, WILBUR?

[As Mister Ed] "YOU MEAN, I
HAVE A CHOICE, WILBUR?
I NEED A FILLY!

HAVE A CHOICE, WILBUR?
I NEED A FILLY!
I'M GOING BLIND FROM USING MY

I NEED A FILLY!
I'M GOING BLIND FROM USING MY
OWN HOOVES."

I'M GOING BLIND FROM USING MY
OWN HOOVES."
[Normal voice] THE 11-WEEK

OWN HOOVES."
[Normal voice] THE 11-WEEK
UNITED MINE WORKERS STRIKE

[Normal voice] THE 11-WEEK
UNITED MINE WORKERS STRIKE
CONTINUES, AND ITS EFFECT IS

UNITED MINE WORKERS STRIKE
CONTINUES, AND ITS EFFECT IS
BEING FELT IN LAYOFFS IN THE

CONTINUES, AND ITS EFFECT IS
BEING FELT IN LAYOFFS IN THE
COAL-DEPENDENT MIDWEST.

BEING FELT IN LAYOFFS IN THE
COAL-DEPENDENT MIDWEST.
BUT SOME OF THE HARDEST HIT BY

COAL-DEPENDENT MIDWEST.
BUT SOME OF THE HARDEST HIT BY
THE STRIKE ARE THE MINERS

BUT SOME OF THE HARDEST HIT BY
THE STRIKE ARE THE MINERS
THEMSELVES.

THE STRIKE ARE THE MINERS
THEMSELVES.
LARAINE NEWMAN IS IN

THEMSELVES.
LARAINE NEWMAN IS IN
CAMPBELL CREEK, WEST VIRGINIA,

LARAINE NEWMAN IS IN
CAMPBELL CREEK, WEST VIRGINIA,
WITH THIS REPORT.

CAMPBELL CREEK, WEST VIRGINIA,
WITH THIS REPORT.
LARAINE?

WITH THIS REPORT.
LARAINE?
CHEVY, COAL MINING... A DIRTY

LARAINE?
CHEVY, COAL MINING... A DIRTY
JOB, A DANGEROUS JOB.

CHEVY, COAL MINING... A DIRTY
JOB, A DANGEROUS JOB.
EVERY YEAR, SCORES OF MINERS ARE

JOB, A DANGEROUS JOB.
EVERY YEAR, SCORES OF MINERS ARE
KILLED IN MINING ACCIDENTS.

EVERY YEAR, SCORES OF MINERS ARE
KILLED IN MINING ACCIDENTS.
THOSE WHO SURVIVE TO WORK LONG

KILLED IN MINING ACCIDENTS.
THOSE WHO SURVIVE TO WORK LONG
YEARS OFTEN DEVELOP BLACK LUNG

THOSE WHO SURVIVE TO WORK LONG
YEARS OFTEN DEVELOP BLACK LUNG
DISEASE, AS WELL AS PERMANENTLY

YEARS OFTEN DEVELOP BLACK LUNG
DISEASE, AS WELL AS PERMANENTLY
DIRTY FINGERNAILS.

DISEASE, AS WELL AS PERMANENTLY
DIRTY FINGERNAILS.
I'M STANDING WITH RAY FLOYD, WHO

DIRTY FINGERNAILS.
I'M STANDING WITH RAY FLOYD, WHO
HAS WORKED IN THE MINES FOR OVER

I'M STANDING WITH RAY FLOYD, WHO
HAS WORKED IN THE MINES FOR OVER
20 YEARS.

HAS WORKED IN THE MINES FOR OVER
20 YEARS.
MR. FLOYD, WHAT'S HOLDING UP A

20 YEARS.
MR. FLOYD, WHAT'S HOLDING UP A
SETTLEMENT?

MR. FLOYD, WHAT'S HOLDING UP A
SETTLEMENT?
IS IT SIMPLY A MATTER OF MORE

SETTLEMENT?
IS IT SIMPLY A MATTER OF MORE
MONEY?

IS IT SIMPLY A MATTER OF MORE
MONEY?
UH [COUGHS] NO, UH [COUGHS]

MONEY?
UH [COUGHS] NO, UH [COUGHS]
WE WANT TO KEEP THE RIGHT TO

UH [COUGHS] NO, UH [COUGHS]
WE WANT TO KEEP THE RIGHT TO
STRIKE SO THAT WE CAN GET, UH

WE WANT TO KEEP THE RIGHT TO
STRIKE SO THAT WE CAN GET, UH
[COUGHS] UM, A STRICTER

STRIKE SO THAT WE CAN GET, UH
[COUGHS] UM, A STRICTER
ENFORCEMENT OF THE, UH [COUGHS]

[COUGHS] UM, A STRICTER
ENFORCEMENT OF THE, UH [COUGHS]
SAFETY REGULATIONS? SAFETY?

ENFORCEMENT OF THE, UH [COUGHS]
SAFETY REGULATIONS? SAFETY?
[COUGHING]

SAFETY REGULATIONS? SAFETY?
[COUGHING]
THAT'S RIGHT.

[COUGHING]
THAT'S RIGHT.
UH, AND, WE WANT THE UNION

THAT'S RIGHT.
UH, AND, WE WANT THE UNION
HEALTH FUND [COUGHS] TO BE FULLY

UH, AND, WE WANT THE UNION
HEALTH FUND [COUGHS] TO BE FULLY
REINSTATED AND GUARANTEED...

HEALTH FUND [COUGHS] TO BE FULLY
REINSTATED AND GUARANTEED...
[COUGHS]

REINSTATED AND GUARANTEED...
[COUGHS]
BY THE... BY THE, UH [COUGHS]

[COUGHS]
BY THE... BY THE, UH [COUGHS]
THE, UH, UNION LEADERSHIP?

BY THE... BY THE, UH [COUGHS]
THE, UH, UNION LEADERSHIP?
UH, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?

THE, UH, UNION LEADERSHIP?
UH, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?
[COUGHS]

UH, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?
[COUGHS]
OH.

[COUGHS]
OH.
HOW ABOUT THE COAL COMPANIES?

OH.
HOW ABOUT THE COAL COMPANIES?
OH, OKAY.

HOW ABOUT THE COAL COMPANIES?
OH, OKAY.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. FLOYD.

OH, OKAY.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. FLOYD.
NOW BACK TO OUR STUDIO.

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. FLOYD.
NOW BACK TO OUR STUDIO.
GEORGE ANDERSON OF THE

NOW BACK TO OUR STUDIO.
GEORGE ANDERSON OF THE
TORONTO INSTITUTE FOR ANIMAL

GEORGE ANDERSON OF THE
TORONTO INSTITUTE FOR ANIMAL
GENETICS HAS SUCCEEDED IN

TORONTO INSTITUTE FOR ANIMAL
GENETICS HAS SUCCEEDED IN
BREEDING A DOG WITH A

GENETICS HAS SUCCEEDED IN
BREEDING A DOG WITH A
WASTEBASKET FOR A HEAD.

BREEDING A DOG WITH A
WASTEBASKET FOR A HEAD.
ANDERSON SAID HE IS NOW WORKING

WASTEBASKET FOR A HEAD.
ANDERSON SAID HE IS NOW WORKING
ON A CAT SHAPED LIKE A WAD OF

ANDERSON SAID HE IS NOW WORKING
ON A CAT SHAPED LIKE A WAD OF
PAPER AND HOPES TO MARKET THE

ON A CAT SHAPED LIKE A WAD OF
PAPER AND HOPES TO MARKET THE
PAIR AS AN INEXPENSIVE PARLOR

PAPER AND HOPES TO MARKET THE
PAIR AS AN INEXPENSIVE PARLOR
GAME.

PAIR AS AN INEXPENSIVE PARLOR
GAME.
WELL, BURT LANCE.

GAME.
WELL, BURT LANCE.
THE FBI/CIA SOFTBALL GAME...

WELL, BURT LANCE.
THE FBI/CIA SOFTBALL GAME...
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

THE FBI/CIA SOFTBALL GAME...
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
EXCUSE ME.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.

EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.
MS. CURTIN.

HELLO.
MS. CURTIN.
LONG DISTANCE CALLING.

MS. CURTIN.
LONG DISTANCE CALLING.
YES, THIS IS MS. CURTIN.

LONG DISTANCE CALLING.
YES, THIS IS MS. CURTIN.
HORRIBLE ACCIDENT INVOLVING

YES, THIS IS MS. CURTIN.
HORRIBLE ACCIDENT INVOLVING
YOUR MOTHER IN NEW YORK STATE.

HORRIBLE ACCIDENT INVOLVING
YOUR MOTHER IN NEW YORK STATE.
POLICE.

YOUR MOTHER IN NEW YORK STATE.
POLICE.
IT'S FOR YOU.

POLICE.
IT'S FOR YOU.
NICE TRY, SPARKY.

IT'S FOR YOU.
NICE TRY, SPARKY.
WELL, FATHER TIME FINALLY CAUGHT

NICE TRY, SPARKY.
WELL, FATHER TIME FINALLY CAUGHT
UP WITH A TIRED, 68-YEAR-OLD

WELL, FATHER TIME FINALLY CAUGHT
UP WITH A TIRED, 68-YEAR-OLD
MUHAMMAD ALI LAST WEEK, WHO LOST

UP WITH A TIRED, 68-YEAR-OLD
MUHAMMAD ALI LAST WEEK, WHO LOST
A SPLIT DECISION TO LEON SPINKS,

MUHAMMAD ALI LAST WEEK, WHO LOST
A SPLIT DECISION TO LEON SPINKS,
ONE OF THE UGLIEST HEAVYWEIGHT

A SPLIT DECISION TO LEON SPINKS,
ONE OF THE UGLIEST HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPS TO COME ALONG IN QUITE A

ONE OF THE UGLIEST HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPS TO COME ALONG IN QUITE A
WHILE.

CHAMPS TO COME ALONG IN QUITE A
WHILE.
AFTER THE FIGHT ON WEDNESDAY,

WHILE.
AFTER THE FIGHT ON WEDNESDAY,
SPINKS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS A

AFTER THE FIGHT ON WEDNESDAY,
SPINKS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS A
MEMBER OF THE BLACK MUSLIMS WHO

SPINKS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS A
MEMBER OF THE BLACK MUSLIMS WHO
NO LONGER WANTS TO BE CALLED BY

MEMBER OF THE BLACK MUSLIMS WHO
NO LONGER WANTS TO BE CALLED BY
HIS SLAVE NAME OF LEON SPINKS

NO LONGER WANTS TO BE CALLED BY
HIS SLAVE NAME OF LEON SPINKS
AND, INSTEAD, HAS ADOPTED HIS

HIS SLAVE NAME OF LEON SPINKS
AND, INSTEAD, HAS ADOPTED HIS
ISLAMIC NAME OF SCARLETT O'HARA.

AND, INSTEAD, HAS ADOPTED HIS
ISLAMIC NAME OF SCARLETT O'HARA.
NOW TO GIVE US HIS VIEW ON THE

ISLAMIC NAME OF SCARLETT O'HARA.
NOW TO GIVE US HIS VIEW ON THE
TITLE FIGHT AND A CLOSE LOOK AT

NOW TO GIVE US HIS VIEW ON THE
TITLE FIGHT AND A CLOSE LOOK AT
THE CAREER OF MUHAMMAD ALI IS

TITLE FIGHT AND A CLOSE LOOK AT
THE CAREER OF MUHAMMAD ALI IS
CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI.

THE CAREER OF MUHAMMAD ALI IS
CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI.
JOHN.

CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI.
JOHN.
THANK YOU, JANE.

JOHN.
THANK YOU, JANE.
WHEN THE YOUNG LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

THANK YOU, JANE.
WHEN THE YOUNG LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT
CASSIUS CLAY WON THE GOLD MEDAL

WHEN THE YOUNG LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT
CASSIUS CLAY WON THE GOLD MEDAL
IN ROME, IT WAS A SPRINGBOARD

CASSIUS CLAY WON THE GOLD MEDAL
IN ROME, IT WAS A SPRINGBOARD
FOR A CAREER THAT INCLUDED 57

IN ROME, IT WAS A SPRINGBOARD
FOR A CAREER THAT INCLUDED 57
FIGHTS WITH ONLY 3 LOSSES.

FOR A CAREER THAT INCLUDED 57
FIGHTS WITH ONLY 3 LOSSES.
THIS WEEK, ALI LOST FOR THE

FIGHTS WITH ONLY 3 LOSSES.
THIS WEEK, ALI LOST FOR THE
THIRD TIME IN HIS CAREER.

THIS WEEK, ALI LOST FOR THE
THIRD TIME IN HIS CAREER.
IN A 15-ROUND SPLIT DECISION,

THIRD TIME IN HIS CAREER.
IN A 15-ROUND SPLIT DECISION,
MUHAMMAD ALI LOST THE

IN A 15-ROUND SPLIT DECISION,
MUHAMMAD ALI LOST THE
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TO

MUHAMMAD ALI LOST THE
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TO
LEON SPINKS.

HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TO
LEON SPINKS.
IT WAS A BRUTAL FIGHT.

LEON SPINKS.
IT WAS A BRUTAL FIGHT.
BY THE END, ALI HAD NO JABS.

IT WAS A BRUTAL FIGHT.
BY THE END, ALI HAD NO JABS.
AND, LET'S FACE IT, SPINKS WAS

BY THE END, ALI HAD NO JABS.
AND, LET'S FACE IT, SPINKS WAS
DAMN LUCKY, LUCKIER THAN

AND, LET'S FACE IT, SPINKS WAS
DAMN LUCKY, LUCKIER THAN
NORTON, SHAVERS, AND

DAMN LUCKY, LUCKIER THAN
NORTON, SHAVERS, AND
JIMMY YOUNG, WHO ALL GAVE HIM A

NORTON, SHAVERS, AND
JIMMY YOUNG, WHO ALL GAVE HIM A
GOOD FIGHT.

JIMMY YOUNG, WHO ALL GAVE HIM A
GOOD FIGHT.
BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA BEAT THE

GOOD FIGHT.
BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA BEAT THE
CHAMPION, YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM.

BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA BEAT THE
CHAMPION, YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM.
YOU SHOULD KNOCK HIM OUT.

CHAMPION, YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM.
YOU SHOULD KNOCK HIM OUT.
YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM UP.

YOU SHOULD KNOCK HIM OUT.
YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM UP.
IT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM UP.
IT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
SO, I THINK HE SHOULD BE...

IT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
SO, I THINK HE SHOULD BE...
THEY'LL PROBABLY FIGHT VERY

SO, I THINK HE SHOULD BE...
THEY'LL PROBABLY FIGHT VERY
SOON.

THEY'LL PROBABLY FIGHT VERY
SOON.
WHEN I THINK BACK, BACK TO

SOON.
WHEN I THINK BACK, BACK TO
"THE THRILLA IN MANILA," THE

WHEN I THINK BACK, BACK TO
"THE THRILLA IN MANILA," THE
ZAIRE FIGHT, WHICH I SAW IN A

"THE THRILLA IN MANILA," THE
ZAIRE FIGHT, WHICH I SAW IN A
BIG SCREEN.

ZAIRE FIGHT, WHICH I SAW IN A
BIG SCREEN.
IT WAS THE MANHATTAN CENTER,

BIG SCREEN.
IT WAS THE MANHATTAN CENTER,
DOWNTOWN ACROSS FROM THE GARDEN.

IT WAS THE MANHATTAN CENTER,
DOWNTOWN ACROSS FROM THE GARDEN.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

DOWNTOWN ACROSS FROM THE GARDEN.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
IT WAS A HUGE SCREEN.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
IT WAS A HUGE SCREEN.
WE HAD TO BE LET IN THE BACK

IT WAS A HUGE SCREEN.
WE HAD TO BE LET IN THE BACK
DOOR.

WE HAD TO BE LET IN THE BACK
DOOR.
I WAS WITH BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,

DOOR.
I WAS WITH BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,
BILL'S BROTHER.

I WAS WITH BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,
BILL'S BROTHER.
THERE WAS THIS BLACK GANG

BILL'S BROTHER.
THERE WAS THIS BLACK GANG
TERRORIZING THE PLACE.

THERE WAS THIS BLACK GANG
TERRORIZING THE PLACE.
THEY OPENED THE DOOR... WE GOT

TERRORIZING THE PLACE.
THEY OPENED THE DOOR... WE GOT
IN, YOU KNOW?

THEY OPENED THE DOOR... WE GOT
IN, YOU KNOW?
AND THEN IN THE THEATER,

IN, YOU KNOW?
AND THEN IN THE THEATER,
EVERYBODY STARTED SCREAMING AND

AND THEN IN THE THEATER,
EVERYBODY STARTED SCREAMING AND
YELLING, YOU KNOW, THROWING

EVERYBODY STARTED SCREAMING AND
YELLING, YOU KNOW, THROWING
CHAIRS BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YELLING, YOU KNOW, THROWING
CHAIRS BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THERE WAS NO PICTURE!

CHAIRS BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THERE WAS NO PICTURE!
THERE WAS NO PICTURE.

THERE WAS NO PICTURE!
THERE WAS NO PICTURE.
AND I COULD HAVE BEEN HURT.

THERE WAS NO PICTURE.
AND I COULD HAVE BEEN HURT.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN IN A FEW

AND I COULD HAVE BEEN HURT.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN IN A FEW
FIGHTS IN MY LIFE.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN IN A FEW
FIGHTS IN MY LIFE.
I WAS IN A BAR ONE TIME, AND,

FIGHTS IN MY LIFE.
I WAS IN A BAR ONE TIME, AND,
UH, I WAS JUST DRINKING.

I WAS IN A BAR ONE TIME, AND,
UH, I WAS JUST DRINKING.
AND, UH, THIS GUY COMES UP TO

UH, I WAS JUST DRINKING.
AND, UH, THIS GUY COMES UP TO
ME, TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER.

AND, UH, THIS GUY COMES UP TO
ME, TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER.
HE SAYS, "JOHN, SOMEBODY'S OUT

ME, TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER.
HE SAYS, "JOHN, SOMEBODY'S OUT
THERE BEATING UP YOUR ROOMMATE."

HE SAYS, "JOHN, SOMEBODY'S OUT
THERE BEATING UP YOUR ROOMMATE."
SO, I SAY "OH, GREAT."

THERE BEATING UP YOUR ROOMMATE."
SO, I SAY "OH, GREAT."
SO, I GO OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, AND

SO, I SAY "OH, GREAT."
SO, I GO OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, AND
THERE'S MY ROOMMATE, THERE'S

SO, I GO OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, AND
THERE'S MY ROOMMATE, THERE'S
STEVE BUSCHEKAS OUT THERE WITH A

THERE'S MY ROOMMATE, THERE'S
STEVE BUSCHEKAS OUT THERE WITH A
BIG BLACK EYE, OKAY?

STEVE BUSCHEKAS OUT THERE WITH A
BIG BLACK EYE, OKAY?
AND TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS...

BIG BLACK EYE, OKAY?
AND TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS...
TINO AND JIM... WERE OUT THERE.

AND TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS...
TINO AND JIM... WERE OUT THERE.
THEY'RE HOLDING THEIR NOSES.

TINO AND JIM... WERE OUT THERE.
THEY'RE HOLDING THEIR NOSES.
BLOOD'S COMING OUT OF THEIR

THEY'RE HOLDING THEIR NOSES.
BLOOD'S COMING OUT OF THEIR
NOSES.

BLOOD'S COMING OUT OF THEIR
NOSES.
I TURN AROUND AND I LOOK, AND

NOSES.
I TURN AROUND AND I LOOK, AND
THERE'S THE BIGGEST GUY I'VE

I TURN AROUND AND I LOOK, AND
THERE'S THE BIGGEST GUY I'VE
EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S THE BIGGEST GUY I'VE
EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?
AND HE'S STANDING THERE LIKE

EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?
AND HE'S STANDING THERE LIKE
THIS, YOU KNOW?

AND HE'S STANDING THERE LIKE
THIS, YOU KNOW?
SO, I SAY, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING

THIS, YOU KNOW?
SO, I SAY, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING
ON?"

SO, I SAY, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING
ON?"
I'M A LITTLE DRUNK, OKAY?

ON?"
I'M A LITTLE DRUNK, OKAY?
AND HE SAYS, "WHAT'S IT TO YOU?"

I'M A LITTLE DRUNK, OKAY?
AND HE SAYS, "WHAT'S IT TO YOU?"
WELL, I SAID... IT TURNS OUT, IT

AND HE SAYS, "WHAT'S IT TO YOU?"
WELL, I SAID... IT TURNS OUT, IT
WAS A FIGHT OVER SOME GIRL'S

WELL, I SAID... IT TURNS OUT, IT
WAS A FIGHT OVER SOME GIRL'S
PURSE OR SOMETHING.

WAS A FIGHT OVER SOME GIRL'S
PURSE OR SOMETHING.
IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT SOME GIRL.

PURSE OR SOMETHING.
IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT SOME GIRL.
SO, I SAID, LOOK... WAIT A

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT SOME GIRL.
SO, I SAID, LOOK... WAIT A
MINUTE.

SO, I SAID, LOOK... WAIT A
MINUTE.
SO, I SAID, "HEY, MAN, WHAT, DO

MINUTE.
SO, I SAID, "HEY, MAN, WHAT, DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL TOUGH OR

SO, I SAID, "HEY, MAN, WHAT, DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL TOUGH OR
SOMETHING, HUH?

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL TOUGH OR
SOMETHING, HUH?
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?!

SOMETHING, HUH?
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?!
COME ON, MAN!"

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?!
COME ON, MAN!"
AND HE BEAT ME BLOODY TILL MY

COME ON, MAN!"
AND HE BEAT ME BLOODY TILL MY
EARS WERE JUST BLEEDING LIKE

AND HE BEAT ME BLOODY TILL MY
EARS WERE JUST BLEEDING LIKE
THAT.

EARS WERE JUST BLEEDING LIKE
THAT.
I COULD HAVE STAYED IN THE BAR,

THAT.
I COULD HAVE STAYED IN THE BAR,
BUT, NO, I HAD TO COME OUT AND

I COULD HAVE STAYED IN THE BAR,
BUT, NO, I HAD TO COME OUT AND
HELP STEVE, MY FRIEND.

BUT, NO, I HAD TO COME OUT AND
HELP STEVE, MY FRIEND.
HE SMASHED ME. HE HIT ME.

HELP STEVE, MY FRIEND.
HE SMASHED ME. HE HIT ME.
HE PUNCHED ME!

HE SMASHED ME. HE HIT ME.
HE PUNCHED ME!
HE MADE MY FACE FEEL LIKE A

HE PUNCHED ME!
HE MADE MY FACE FEEL LIKE A
BEANBAG.

HE MADE MY FACE FEEL LIKE A
BEANBAG.
SHAKE IT... YOU CAN HEAR IT

BEANBAG.
SHAKE IT... YOU CAN HEAR IT
RATTLE.

SHAKE IT... YOU CAN HEAR IT
RATTLE.
BUT I THINK ALI WILL COME BACK.

RATTLE.
BUT I THINK ALI WILL COME BACK.
I DON'T THINK 36 IS TOO OLD.

BUT I THINK ALI WILL COME BACK.
I DON'T THINK 36 IS TOO OLD.
YOU KNOW, ALI COULD LOSE 20

I DON'T THINK 36 IS TOO OLD.
YOU KNOW, ALI COULD LOSE 20
POUNDS.

YOU KNOW, ALI COULD LOSE 20
POUNDS.
20 POUNDS, GET DOWN TO 204, YOU

POUNDS.
20 POUNDS, GET DOWN TO 204, YOU
KNOW, THE WEIGHT HE WAS WHEN HE

20 POUNDS, GET DOWN TO 204, YOU
KNOW, THE WEIGHT HE WAS WHEN HE
FOUGHT LISTON.

KNOW, THE WEIGHT HE WAS WHEN HE
FOUGHT LISTON.
YOU KNOW, HE COULD DO IT.

FOUGHT LISTON.
YOU KNOW, HE COULD DO IT.
WEIGHT LOSS IS JUST A MATTER OF

YOU KNOW, HE COULD DO IT.
WEIGHT LOSS IS JUST A MATTER OF
SELF-DISCIPLINE, DOING SOME

WEIGHT LOSS IS JUST A MATTER OF
SELF-DISCIPLINE, DOING SOME
RUNNING, SOME WORKING OUT.

SELF-DISCIPLINE, DOING SOME
RUNNING, SOME WORKING OUT.
IF I HAD LOST 20 POUNDS, I MIGHT

RUNNING, SOME WORKING OUT.
IF I HAD LOST 20 POUNDS, I MIGHT
HAVE TAKEN THAT GUY IN THE BAR.

IF I HAD LOST 20 POUNDS, I MIGHT
HAVE TAKEN THAT GUY IN THE BAR.
WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW?

HAVE TAKEN THAT GUY IN THE BAR.
WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW?
BUT YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND

WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW?
BUT YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND
YOURSELF!

BUT YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND
YOURSELF!
EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO

YOURSELF!
EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO
DEFEND THEMSELVES, EVEN WOMEN.

EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO
DEFEND THEMSELVES, EVEN WOMEN.
ESPECIALLY YOU WOMEN HAVE TO BE

DEFEND THEMSELVES, EVEN WOMEN.
ESPECIALLY YOU WOMEN HAVE TO BE
ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF, YOU

ESPECIALLY YOU WOMEN HAVE TO BE
ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF, YOU
KNOW, WITH KARATE OR KEYS IN THE

ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF, YOU
KNOW, WITH KARATE OR KEYS IN THE
FIST OR WHATEVER YOU WANT.

KNOW, WITH KARATE OR KEYS IN THE
FIST OR WHATEVER YOU WANT.
CAN YOU DEFEND YOURSELF, JANE?

FIST OR WHATEVER YOU WANT.
CAN YOU DEFEND YOURSELF, JANE?
I DON'T...

CAN YOU DEFEND YOURSELF, JANE?
I DON'T...
LET'S JUST SEE.

I DON'T...
LET'S JUST SEE.
THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.

LET'S JUST SEE.
THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, SOMEBODY COMES

THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, SOMEBODY COMES
UP TO YOU ON THE STREET.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, SOMEBODY COMES
UP TO YOU ON THE STREET.
YOU'RE KIND OF WALKING.

UP TO YOU ON THE STREET.
YOU'RE KIND OF WALKING.
YOU'RE KIND OF COOL.

YOU'RE KIND OF WALKING.
YOU'RE KIND OF COOL.
SO, THIS GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND

YOU'RE KIND OF COOL.
SO, THIS GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND
SAYS, "HEY, BABY."

SO, THIS GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND
SAYS, "HEY, BABY."
COME ON, HIT ME.

SAYS, "HEY, BABY."
COME ON, HIT ME.
I DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU.

COME ON, HIT ME.
I DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU.
COME ON, JANE.

I DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU.
COME ON, JANE.
I DON'T LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE.

COME ON, JANE.
I DON'T LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE.
RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE.
RIGHT THERE.
I DON'T LIKE TO.

RIGHT THERE.
I DON'T LIKE TO.
HUH? HUH?

I DON'T LIKE TO.
HUH? HUH?
AAH!

HUH? HUH?
AAH!
COME ON, JANE! COME ON!

AAH!
COME ON, JANE! COME ON!
OKAY, IT'S ALL YOURS, CHEVY.

WELL, THE WINTER SITUATION IN
NEW YORK, THE GREAT LAKES AREA,
OHIO, PENNSYLVANIA, AND THE

NEW YORK, THE GREAT LAKES AREA,
OHIO, PENNSYLVANIA, AND THE
NEW ENGLAND STATES.

OHIO, PENNSYLVANIA, AND THE
NEW ENGLAND STATES.
CHEDDAR?

NEW ENGLAND STATES.
CHEDDAR?
CHEDDAR CHEESE?

CHEDDAR?
CHEDDAR CHEESE?
CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU.

CHEDDAR CHEESE?
CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU.
HOW ARE YOU, EMILY?

CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU.
HOW ARE YOU, EMILY?
OH, KISS ME ON THE LIPS.

HOW ARE YOU, EMILY?
OH, KISS ME ON THE LIPS.
OH, CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU SO

OH, KISS ME ON THE LIPS.
OH, CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU SO
MUCH.

OH, CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU SO
MUCH.
YOU'VE BEEN OKAY, EMILY?

MUCH.
YOU'VE BEEN OKAY, EMILY?
OH, YES. YES.

YOU'VE BEEN OKAY, EMILY?
OH, YES. YES.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M FINE, BUT I

OH, YES. YES.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M FINE, BUT I
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MUCH

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M FINE, BUT I
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MUCH
WORK LATELY.

HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MUCH
WORK LATELY.
WHY NOT, EMILY?

WORK LATELY.
WHY NOT, EMILY?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHY NOT, EMILY?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WELL, MISS CLAYTON DOESN'T

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WELL, MISS CLAYTON DOESN'T
LIKE ME ON THE NEWS.

WELL, MISS CLAYTON DOESN'T
LIKE ME ON THE NEWS.
SHE SAYS I'M IRRESPONSIBLE, AND

LIKE ME ON THE NEWS.
SHE SAYS I'M IRRESPONSIBLE, AND
SHE KEEPS YELLING AT ME WHENEVER

SHE SAYS I'M IRRESPONSIBLE, AND
SHE KEEPS YELLING AT ME WHENEVER
I MAKE A LITTLE, TEENY-TINY,

SHE KEEPS YELLING AT ME WHENEVER
I MAKE A LITTLE, TEENY-TINY,
LITTLE MISTAKE.

I MAKE A LITTLE, TEENY-TINY,
LITTLE MISTAKE.
OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT

LITTLE MISTAKE.
OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT
JANE CLAYTON'S LIKE THAT.

OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT
JANE CLAYTON'S LIKE THAT.
OH, WELL, DON'T BE FOOLED BY

JANE CLAYTON'S LIKE THAT.
OH, WELL, DON'T BE FOOLED BY
HER, CHEDDAR.

OH, WELL, DON'T BE FOOLED BY
HER, CHEDDAR.
I MEAN, THAT GIRL IS MUSSOLINI

HER, CHEDDAR.
I MEAN, THAT GIRL IS MUSSOLINI
IN DRAG!

I MEAN, THAT GIRL IS MUSSOLINI
IN DRAG!
REALLY, SHE GETS ME SO RILED.

IN DRAG!
REALLY, SHE GETS ME SO RILED.
I GET SO UPSET.

REALLY, SHE GETS ME SO RILED.
I GET SO UPSET.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I GET SO UPSET.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHOA.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHOA.
YOU.

WHOA.
YOU.
FIRST I GET SLUGGED BY BELUSHI.

YOU.
FIRST I GET SLUGGED BY BELUSHI.
NOW I GOT TO DEAL WITH YOU!

FIRST I GET SLUGGED BY BELUSHI.
NOW I GOT TO DEAL WITH YOU!
JUST GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU?

NOW I GOT TO DEAL WITH YOU!
JUST GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU?
COME ON.

JUST GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU?
COME ON.
[LAUGHING]

COME ON.
[LAUGHING]
OH, EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHING]
OH, EXCUSE ME.
I SAID SCRAM. BEAT IT.

OH, EXCUSE ME.
I SAID SCRAM. BEAT IT.
GET OUT OF HERE!

I SAID SCRAM. BEAT IT.
GET OUT OF HERE!
OH, MISS CLAYTON.

GET OUT OF HERE!
OH, MISS CLAYTON.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

OH, MISS CLAYTON.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
MISS CLAYTON, YOU LOOK LIKE

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
MISS CLAYTON, YOU LOOK LIKE
HELL.

MISS CLAYTON, YOU LOOK LIKE
HELL.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

HELL.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
WELL, UH, I TOLD YOU SHE

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
WELL, UH, I TOLD YOU SHE
COULDN'T TAKE A JOKE.

WELL, UH, I TOLD YOU SHE
COULDN'T TAKE A JOKE.
TAKE IT EASY, JANE.

COULDN'T TAKE A JOKE.
TAKE IT EASY, JANE.
DON'T BE SO ROUGH ON HER.

TAKE IT EASY, JANE.
DON'T BE SO ROUGH ON HER.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT,

DON'T BE SO ROUGH ON HER.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT,
DAMN IT.

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT,
DAMN IT.
THIS IS MY NEWS SHOW NOW!

DAMN IT.
THIS IS MY NEWS SHOW NOW!
I'M THE STAR OF IT.

THIS IS MY NEWS SHOW NOW!
I'M THE STAR OF IT.
YOU LEFT.

I'M THE STAR OF IT.
YOU LEFT.
I TOOK OVER AND BROUGHT SOME

YOU LEFT.
I TOOK OVER AND BROUGHT SOME
INTEGRITY TO IT, NONE OF YOUR

I TOOK OVER AND BROUGHT SOME
INTEGRITY TO IT, NONE OF YOUR
SCHOOLBOY CUTENESS MUGGING INTO

INTEGRITY TO IT, NONE OF YOUR
SCHOOLBOY CUTENESS MUGGING INTO
THE CAMERA, TALKING LIKE

SCHOOLBOY CUTENESS MUGGING INTO
THE CAMERA, TALKING LIKE
MISTER ED, DAMN IT, MAKING AN

THE CAMERA, TALKING LIKE
MISTER ED, DAMN IT, MAKING AN
ASS OF YOURSELF.

MISTER ED, DAMN IT, MAKING AN
ASS OF YOURSELF.
I'VE GIVEN THIS SHOW

ASS OF YOURSELF.
I'VE GIVEN THIS SHOW
CREDIBILITY.

I'VE GIVEN THIS SHOW
CREDIBILITY.
I'VE GIVEN IT STRAIGHTFORWARD,

CREDIBILITY.
I'VE GIVEN IT STRAIGHTFORWARD,
INFORMATIVE NEWS.

I'VE GIVEN IT STRAIGHTFORWARD,
INFORMATIVE NEWS.
BUT, MISS CLAYTON...

INFORMATIVE NEWS.
BUT, MISS CLAYTON...
SHUT UP, YOU FEEB.

BUT, MISS CLAYTON...
SHUT UP, YOU FEEB.
SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

SHUT UP, YOU FEEB.
SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU COME BACK, YOU GIVE DANNY

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU COME BACK, YOU GIVE DANNY
SOME STORY ABOUT HIS MOTHER

YOU COME BACK, YOU GIVE DANNY
SOME STORY ABOUT HIS MOTHER
DYING, TRY TO PULL THE SAME

SOME STORY ABOUT HIS MOTHER
DYING, TRY TO PULL THE SAME
THING ON ME, JUST TO TAKE OVER

DYING, TRY TO PULL THE SAME
THING ON ME, JUST TO TAKE OVER
SO YOU CAN SATISFY YOUR INFLATED

THING ON ME, JUST TO TAKE OVER
SO YOU CAN SATISFY YOUR INFLATED
EGO.

SO YOU CAN SATISFY YOUR INFLATED
EGO.
GO BACK TO HOLLYWOOD AND DO IT

EGO.
GO BACK TO HOLLYWOOD AND DO IT
'CAUSE IT WON'T WORK HERE.

GO BACK TO HOLLYWOOD AND DO IT
'CAUSE IT WON'T WORK HERE.
THIS IS MY SHOW, AND I WON'T BE

'CAUSE IT WON'T WORK HERE.
THIS IS MY SHOW, AND I WON'T BE
PUSHED AROUND BY BELUSHI OR YOU

THIS IS MY SHOW, AND I WON'T BE
PUSHED AROUND BY BELUSHI OR YOU
OR HER!

PUSHED AROUND BY BELUSHI OR YOU
OR HER!
AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?

OR HER!
AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?
CRYSTAL CLEAR, MISS CURTIN.

AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?
CRYSTAL CLEAR, MISS CURTIN.
WE'RE SORRY.

CRYSTAL CLEAR, MISS CURTIN.
WE'RE SORRY.
WE ARE SORRY, JANE.

WE'RE SORRY.
WE ARE SORRY, JANE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO AGGRAVATE YOU

WE ARE SORRY, JANE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO AGGRAVATE YOU
LIKE THIS.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO AGGRAVATE YOU
LIKE THIS.
I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO DO

LIKE THIS.
I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO DO
"UPDATE" ONE LAST TIME, AND I'M

I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO DO
"UPDATE" ONE LAST TIME, AND I'M
SORRY.

"UPDATE" ONE LAST TIME, AND I'M
SORRY.
I GOT CARRIED AWAY.

SORRY.
I GOT CARRIED AWAY.
I'M SORRY.

I GOT CARRIED AWAY.
I'M SORRY.
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

I'M SORRY.
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
WELL, SEE THAT IT DOESN'T.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
WELL, SEE THAT IT DOESN'T.
ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO.

WELL, SEE THAT IT DOESN'T.
ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO.
Both: BITCH.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO.
Both: BITCH.
THANK YOU, CHEVY, VERY MUCH.

Both: BITCH.
THANK YOU, CHEVY, VERY MUCH.
BYE.

THANK YOU, CHEVY, VERY MUCH.
BYE.
GOODBYE.

BYE.
GOODBYE.
AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO

GOODBYE.
AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO
THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO MAY BE,

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO
THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO MAY BE,
OH, HARD OF HEARING, I'LL

THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO MAY BE,
OH, HARD OF HEARING, I'LL
REPE-PE-PE PITIKIPACA.

OH, HARD OF HEARING, I'LL
REPE-PE-PE PITIKIPACA.
I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF

REPE-PE-PE PITIKIPACA.
I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF
THE DAY, AIDED BY THE ASSISTANT

I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF
THE DAY, AIDED BY THE ASSISTANT
HEAD MASTER FOR THE NEW YORK

THE DAY, AIDED BY THE ASSISTANT
HEAD MASTER FOR THE NEW YORK
SCHOOL FOR THE HARD OF HEARING,

HEAD MASTER FOR THE NEW YORK
SCHOOL FOR THE HARD OF HEARING,
MR. GARRETT MORRIS.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!

HALDEMAN SAYS NIXON STOLE

SILVERWARE...

HALDEMAN SAYS NIXON STOLE

SILVERWARE!

SMEARED OATMEAL ON HIS

LAPELS...

SMEARED OATMEAL ON HIS

LAPELS!

KILLED A CUBAN BUSBOY...

KILLED A CUBAN BUSBOY!

AND SLEPT IN PACKING

CRATES.

AND SLEPT IN PACKING CRATES!

THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A

TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A
PLEASANT EVENING.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A
PLEASANT EVENING.
TOMORROW.

PLEASANT EVENING.
TOMORROW.
TOMORROW.

TOMORROW.
TOMORROW.
Announcer: THIS PORTION OF

TOMORROW.
Announcer: THIS PORTION OF
"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN

Announcer: THIS PORTION OF
"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN
BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIS-O-DENT,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN
BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIS-O-DENT,
THE TOOTHPASTE PREFERRED BY THE

BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIS-O-DENT,
THE TOOTHPASTE PREFERRED BY THE
RADICAL LEFT.

THE TOOTHPASTE PREFERRED BY THE
RADICAL LEFT.
ALL RIGHT.

RADICAL LEFT.
ALL RIGHT.
U.S. CITIZENS, LINES 7, 8, AND

ALL RIGHT.
U.S. CITIZENS, LINES 7, 8, AND
9.

U.S. CITIZENS, LINES 7, 8, AND
9.
FOREIGN NACIONALES, DOS, TRES,

9.
FOREIGN NACIONALES, DOS, TRES,
CUATRO.

FOREIGN NACIONALES, DOS, TRES,
CUATRO.
DOS, TRES, CUATRO.

CUATRO.
DOS, TRES, CUATRO.
OKAY, THIS IS FLIGHT 419 FROM

DOS, TRES, CUATRO.
OKAY, THIS IS FLIGHT 419 FROM
LA PAZ, BOLIVIA.

OKAY, THIS IS FLIGHT 419 FROM
LA PAZ, BOLIVIA.
NOW, A FLIGHT FROM LA PAZ WILL

LA PAZ, BOLIVIA.
NOW, A FLIGHT FROM LA PAZ WILL
VERY LIKELY HAVE SOMEONE ON

NOW, A FLIGHT FROM LA PAZ WILL
VERY LIKELY HAVE SOMEONE ON
BOARD WHO THINKS THEY CAN

VERY LIKELY HAVE SOMEONE ON
BOARD WHO THINKS THEY CAN
TRAMPLE ON THE LAW AND SNEAK

BOARD WHO THINKS THEY CAN
TRAMPLE ON THE LAW AND SNEAK
THROUGH UNITED STATES CUSTOMS

TRAMPLE ON THE LAW AND SNEAK
THROUGH UNITED STATES CUSTOMS
WITH ILLEGAL NARCOTICS, SUCH AS

THROUGH UNITED STATES CUSTOMS
WITH ILLEGAL NARCOTICS, SUCH AS
COCAINE OR MARIJUANA.

WITH ILLEGAL NARCOTICS, SUCH AS
COCAINE OR MARIJUANA.
SOME ARE GONNA TRY TO COME IN

COCAINE OR MARIJUANA.
SOME ARE GONNA TRY TO COME IN
WITHOUT PAYING THE IMPORT DUTY

SOME ARE GONNA TRY TO COME IN
WITHOUT PAYING THE IMPORT DUTY
TAX ON FOREIGN PURCHASES, LIKE

WITHOUT PAYING THE IMPORT DUTY
TAX ON FOREIGN PURCHASES, LIKE
ART, JEWELRY, AND CLOTHING.

TAX ON FOREIGN PURCHASES, LIKE
ART, JEWELRY, AND CLOTHING.
YES, SIR.

ART, JEWELRY, AND CLOTHING.
YES, SIR.
MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT, PLEASE?

YES, SIR.
MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT, PLEASE?
IT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.

MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT, PLEASE?
IT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.
GO AHEAD.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.
GO AHEAD.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.

GO AHEAD.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.
GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.
GO RIGHT AHEAD.
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

GO RIGHT AHEAD.
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.
IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S A REAL PRIEST.

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.
IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S A REAL PRIEST.
AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS ON THIS

IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S A REAL PRIEST.
AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS ON THIS
JOB, YOU GET SO YOU CAN SPOT

AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS ON THIS
JOB, YOU GET SO YOU CAN SPOT
SMUGGLERS AS SOON AS THEY STEP

JOB, YOU GET SO YOU CAN SPOT
SMUGGLERS AS SOON AS THEY STEP
OFF THE PLANE.

SMUGGLERS AS SOON AS THEY STEP
OFF THE PLANE.
FOR INSTANCE, RULE OF THUMB...

OFF THE PLANE.
FOR INSTANCE, RULE OF THUMB...
ALWAYS CHECK BLACK PEOPLE.

FOR INSTANCE, RULE OF THUMB...
ALWAYS CHECK BLACK PEOPLE.
THE LADY WITH A KID THERE...

ALWAYS CHECK BLACK PEOPLE.
THE LADY WITH A KID THERE...
LET HER GO BY.

THE LADY WITH A KID THERE...
LET HER GO BY.
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

LET HER GO BY.
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.
A YOUNG COUPLE, ANOTHER RULE OF

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.
A YOUNG COUPLE, ANOTHER RULE OF
THUMB... YOUNG COUPLES, CHECK

A YOUNG COUPLE, ANOTHER RULE OF
THUMB... YOUNG COUPLES, CHECK
THEM.

THUMB... YOUNG COUPLES, CHECK
THEM.
OKAY. COME HERE. WATCH ME.

THEM.
OKAY. COME HERE. WATCH ME.
MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT AND

OKAY. COME HERE. WATCH ME.
MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT AND
RE-ENTRY DECLARATION, PLEASE?

MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT AND
RE-ENTRY DECLARATION, PLEASE?
YEAH.

RE-ENTRY DECLARATION, PLEASE?
YEAH.
WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE,

YEAH.
WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE,
PLEASE?

WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE,
PLEASE?
YEP.

PLEASE?
YEP.
ALL RIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY

YEP.
ALL RIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY
ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE MATTER?

ALL RIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY
ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE MATTER?
OH, NO. NO.

ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE MATTER?
OH, NO. NO.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DECLARED

OH, NO. NO.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DECLARED
THIS, SIR... A MARIJUANA SEED.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DECLARED
THIS, SIR... A MARIJUANA SEED.
I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

THIS, SIR... A MARIJUANA SEED.
I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SUBMIT YOU TO A PERSONAL SEARCH.

I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SUBMIT YOU TO A PERSONAL SEARCH.
UH, I GOT TO GO TO THE

SUBMIT YOU TO A PERSONAL SEARCH.
UH, I GOT TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM.

UH, I GOT TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM.
NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING

BATHROOM.
NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE, SIR.

NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE, SIR.
[GRUNTING]

ANYWHERE, SIR.
[GRUNTING]
GOT IT!

[GRUNTING]
GOT IT!
I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

GOT IT!
I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
[GROANS]

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
[GROANS]
OKAY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS

[GROANS]
OKAY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS
GUY, AND, WHITFIELD, YOU CARRY

OKAY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS
GUY, AND, WHITFIELD, YOU CARRY
ON HERE.

GUY, AND, WHITFIELD, YOU CARRY
ON HERE.
LET'S GO.

ON HERE.
LET'S GO.
YES, SIR.

LET'S GO.
YES, SIR.
UH, NEXT, PLEASE.

YES, SIR.
UH, NEXT, PLEASE.
UH, YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD.

UH, NEXT, PLEASE.
UH, YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD.
HI, LITTLE FELLA.

UH, YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD.
HI, LITTLE FELLA.
HI!

HI, LITTLE FELLA.
HI!
BOY, IS IT GREAT TO BE BACK IN

HI!
BOY, IS IT GREAT TO BE BACK IN
AMERICA.

BOY, IS IT GREAT TO BE BACK IN
AMERICA.
I'D KISS THE GROUND, BUT I'M

AMERICA.
I'D KISS THE GROUND, BUT I'M
AFRAID I'D HAVE A MISCARRIAGE.

I'D KISS THE GROUND, BUT I'M
AFRAID I'D HAVE A MISCARRIAGE.
MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORTS,

AFRAID I'D HAVE A MISCARRIAGE.
MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORTS,
PLEASE AND RE-ENTRY DECLARATION

MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORTS,
PLEASE AND RE-ENTRY DECLARATION
FORMS?

PLEASE AND RE-ENTRY DECLARATION
FORMS?
OH, SURE. OF COURSE.

FORMS?
OH, SURE. OF COURSE.
MY PLEASURE.

OH, SURE. OF COURSE.
MY PLEASURE.
ARE THE, UH, CONTRACTIONS

MY PLEASURE.
ARE THE, UH, CONTRACTIONS
GETTING CLOSER, HONEY?

ARE THE, UH, CONTRACTIONS
GETTING CLOSER, HONEY?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

GETTING CLOSER, HONEY?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT AS SOON AS WE

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT AS SOON AS WE
GET OUT OF HERE, AND I CAN FIND

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT AS SOON AS WE
GET OUT OF HERE, AND I CAN FIND
A PLACE TO LIE DOWN.

GET OUT OF HERE, AND I CAN FIND
A PLACE TO LIE DOWN.
YOU WANT TO OPEN YOUR

A PLACE TO LIE DOWN.
YOU WANT TO OPEN YOUR
LUGGAGE, PLEASE, SIR?

YOU WANT TO OPEN YOUR
LUGGAGE, PLEASE, SIR?
HUH?

LUGGAGE, PLEASE, SIR?
HUH?
OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, SIR.

HUH?
OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, SIR.
PUT IT RIGHT UP HERE.

OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, SIR.
PUT IT RIGHT UP HERE.
OPEN THE SUITCASE?

PUT IT RIGHT UP HERE.
OPEN THE SUITCASE?
THANK YOU.

OPEN THE SUITCASE?
THANK YOU.
SURE, OKAY.

THANK YOU.
SURE, OKAY.
HERE WE GO. OKAY.

SURE, OKAY.
HERE WE GO. OKAY.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF

HERE WE GO. OKAY.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE IN LINE HE... IN LINE

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE IN LINE HE... IN LINE
HERE, YOU KNOW.

PEOPLE ARE IN LINE HE... IN LINE
HERE, YOU KNOW.
SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO

HERE, YOU KNOW.
SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE.

SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE.
OKAY, BUT IS THIS LIKE

INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE.
OKAY, BUT IS THIS LIKE
NORMAL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HEY,

OKAY, BUT IS THIS LIKE
NORMAL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE.

NORMAL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS.

WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS.
PLEASE RELAX, SIR.

I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS.
PLEASE RELAX, SIR.
THE TWO PEOPLE AHEAD OF ME

PLEASE RELAX, SIR.
THE TWO PEOPLE AHEAD OF ME
DIDN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW?

THE TWO PEOPLE AHEAD OF ME
DIDN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW?
WHY ME, MAN?

DIDN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW?
WHY ME, MAN?
I MEAN, WHY ME?

WHY ME, MAN?
I MEAN, WHY ME?
LATER, WE'LL SIMPLY GIVE YOU

I MEAN, WHY ME?
LATER, WE'LL SIMPLY GIVE YOU
A... LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE

LATER, WE'LL SIMPLY GIVE YOU
A... LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE
RIGHT NOW.

A... LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE
RIGHT NOW.
SO, "WHY ME?"

RIGHT NOW.
SO, "WHY ME?"
IT'S A FORM THAT EXPLAINS WHY

SO, "WHY ME?"
IT'S A FORM THAT EXPLAINS WHY
THE SUPREME COURT HAS ALLOWED US

IT'S A FORM THAT EXPLAINS WHY
THE SUPREME COURT HAS ALLOWED US
TO INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE.

THE SUPREME COURT HAS ALLOWED US
TO INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE.
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.

TO INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE.
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.
PLEASE, JUST RELAX.

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.
PLEASE, JUST RELAX.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FELLA!

PLEASE, JUST RELAX.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FELLA!
HUH?

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FELLA!
HUH?
WHERE'D YOU BUY THIS SHIRT?

HUH?
WHERE'D YOU BUY THIS SHIRT?
I GOT IT AT HAROLD ROBBINS.

WHERE'D YOU BUY THIS SHIRT?
I GOT IT AT HAROLD ROBBINS.
HAROLD ROBBINS?

I GOT IT AT HAROLD ROBBINS.
HAROLD ROBBINS?
YEAH.

HAROLD ROBBINS?
YEAH.
OKAY.

YEAH.
OKAY.
OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY.
OKAY. OKAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMAL OR

OKAY. OKAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMAL OR
VEGETABLE MATTER, SIR?

DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMAL OR
VEGETABLE MATTER, SIR?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

VEGETABLE MATTER, SIR?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU MEAN, LIKE, MARIJUANA OR

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU MEAN, LIKE, MARIJUANA OR
COCAINE?

YOU MEAN, LIKE, MARIJUANA OR
COCAINE?
WE DON'T HAVE ANY.

COCAINE?
WE DON'T HAVE ANY.
NO.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY.
NO.
[LAUGHS]

NO.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT'S IT.

[LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT'S IT.
ONE MORE DRUG SMUGGLER UNDER

WELL, THAT'S IT.
ONE MORE DRUG SMUGGLER UNDER
ARREST.

ONE MORE DRUG SMUGGLER UNDER
ARREST.
HOW'S IT GOING HERE, WHITFIELD?

ARREST.
HOW'S IT GOING HERE, WHITFIELD?
FINE, SIR.

HOW'S IT GOING HERE, WHITFIELD?
FINE, SIR.
YEAH, I CAN STILL SMELL THE

FINE, SIR.
YEAH, I CAN STILL SMELL THE
STUFF ON MY HANDS.

YEAH, I CAN STILL SMELL THE
STUFF ON MY HANDS.
I'M GONNA WASH IT OFF.

STUFF ON MY HANDS.
I'M GONNA WASH IT OFF.
YES, SIR.

I'M GONNA WASH IT OFF.
YES, SIR.
OH!

YES, SIR.
OH!
PUT THIS RIGHT HERE.

OH!
PUT THIS RIGHT HERE.
WERE YOU IN BOLIVIA FOR BUSINESS

PUT THIS RIGHT HERE.
WERE YOU IN BOLIVIA FOR BUSINESS
OR PLEASURE, SIR?

WERE YOU IN BOLIVIA FOR BUSINESS
OR PLEASURE, SIR?
UH, BUSINESS.

OR PLEASURE, SIR?
UH, BUSINESS.
UH, I MEAN, PLEASURE.

UH, BUSINESS.
UH, I MEAN, PLEASURE.
I'M A STUDENT.

UH, I MEAN, PLEASURE.
I'M A STUDENT.
WE'RE, UH, STUDENTS.

I'M A STUDENT.
WE'RE, UH, STUDENTS.
WE'RE HAVING THE PLEASURE OF

WE'RE, UH, STUDENTS.
WE'RE HAVING THE PLEASURE OF
BEING STUDENTS, RIGHT?

WE'RE HAVING THE PLEASURE OF
BEING STUDENTS, RIGHT?
YEAH. RIGHT.

BEING STUDENTS, RIGHT?
YEAH. RIGHT.
I MEAN, SIR, YOU KNOW, IT'S

YEAH. RIGHT.
I MEAN, SIR, YOU KNOW, IT'S
REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOWN THERE,

I MEAN, SIR, YOU KNOW, IT'S
REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOWN THERE,
MAN.

REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOWN THERE,
MAN.
YOU REALLY SHOULD GO SOMETIME.

MAN.
YOU REALLY SHOULD GO SOMETIME.
I MEAN, IT'S A NICE PLACE, BUT I

YOU REALLY SHOULD GO SOMETIME.
I MEAN, IT'S A NICE PLACE, BUT I
WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE THERE, YOU

I MEAN, IT'S A NICE PLACE, BUT I
WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE THERE, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE THERE, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I GOT SUNBURN ON MY NOSE THE

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I GOT SUNBURN ON MY NOSE THE
FIRST DAY!

I GOT SUNBURN ON MY NOSE THE
FIRST DAY!
YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN

FIRST DAY!
YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN
BOLIVIA, SIR?

YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN
BOLIVIA, SIR?
WHAT?

BOLIVIA, SIR?
WHAT?
YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN

WHAT?
YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN
BOLIVIA, SIR?

YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN
BOLIVIA, SIR?
UH, YEAH. NO!

BOLIVIA, SIR?
UH, YEAH. NO!
I GOT THEM IN LOS ANGELES BEFORE

UH, YEAH. NO!
I GOT THEM IN LOS ANGELES BEFORE
I-I-I LEFT.

I GOT THEM IN LOS ANGELES BEFORE
I-I-I LEFT.
THAT'S MY AFTERSHAVE!

I-I-I LEFT.
THAT'S MY AFTERSHAVE!
YOU CAN CONFISCATE THAT IF YOU

THAT'S MY AFTERSHAVE!
YOU CAN CONFISCATE THAT IF YOU
WANT.

YOU CAN CONFISCATE THAT IF YOU
WANT.
YOU CAN TAKE IT.

WANT.
YOU CAN TAKE IT.
TAKE MY AFTERSHAVE.

YOU CAN TAKE IT.
TAKE MY AFTERSHAVE.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.

TAKE MY AFTERSHAVE.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.
[LAUGHING]

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.
[LAUGHING]
ALL RIGHT, SIR.

[LAUGHING]
ALL RIGHT, SIR.
HOW ABOUT THIS SWEATER?

ALL RIGHT, SIR.
HOW ABOUT THIS SWEATER?
YOU BUY THIS IN BOLIVIA?

HOW ABOUT THIS SWEATER?
YOU BUY THIS IN BOLIVIA?
WHAT?

YOU BUY THIS IN BOLIVIA?
WHAT?
DID YOU BUY THIS SWEATER IN

WHAT?
DID YOU BUY THIS SWEATER IN
BOLIVIA, SIR?

DID YOU BUY THIS SWEATER IN
BOLIVIA, SIR?
IT WAS NOT ENTERED ON YOUR

BOLIVIA, SIR?
IT WAS NOT ENTERED ON YOUR
DECLARATION FORM, WAS IT, SIR?

IT WAS NOT ENTERED ON YOUR
DECLARATION FORM, WAS IT, SIR?
NO, IT WASN'T.

DECLARATION FORM, WAS IT, SIR?
NO, IT WASN'T.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

NO, IT WASN'T.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
THIS SWEATER WAS NOT ENTERED ON

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
THIS SWEATER WAS NOT ENTERED ON
THEIR, UH, DECLARATION FORM.

THIS SWEATER WAS NOT ENTERED ON
THEIR, UH, DECLARATION FORM.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT,

THEIR, UH, DECLARATION FORM.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT,
SIR.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT,
SIR.
UH, YOU FOLKS BRINGING IN

SIR.
UH, YOU FOLKS BRINGING IN
MORE THAN $125 WORTH OF FOREIGN

UH, YOU FOLKS BRINGING IN
MORE THAN $125 WORTH OF FOREIGN
PURCHASES?

MORE THAN $125 WORTH OF FOREIGN
PURCHASES?
NO, SIR! NO, SIR!

PURCHASES?
NO, SIR! NO, SIR!
THAT'S OKAY.

NO, SIR! NO, SIR!
THAT'S OKAY.
OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S OKAY.
OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU CAN GO.

OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU CAN GO.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

YOU CAN GO.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
I HOPE IT'S A BOY.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
I HOPE IT'S A BOY.
WHAT?

I HOPE IT'S A BOY.
WHAT?
OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT?
OH, THANK YOU.
NEXT, PLEASE.

OH, THANK YOU.
NEXT, PLEASE.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.

NEXT, PLEASE.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.
YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.
YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD.
NEXT, PLEASE!

YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD.
NEXT, PLEASE!
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT HERE.

NEXT, PLEASE!
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT HERE.
LET'S GET THAT RIGHT UP HERE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT HERE.
LET'S GET THAT RIGHT UP HERE.
MA'AM, LET ME SEE THIS.

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S
FILM BY GARY WEIS.
[APPLAUSE]

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, HAVE YOU GOT THIS IN
RED?

YEAH, HAVE YOU GOT THIS IN
RED?
NO, I'M SORRY.

RED?
NO, I'M SORRY.
IT DOESN'T COME IN RED.

NO, I'M SORRY.
IT DOESN'T COME IN RED.
[WOMAN VOCALIZING]

IT DOESN'T COME IN RED.
[WOMAN VOCALIZING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ OH, NO ♪
[VOCALIZING]

HI, MY NAME IS NEWMAN.
I HAVE SOME LAUNDRY THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE READY TODAY, BUT

I HAVE SOME LAUNDRY THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE READY TODAY, BUT
I DON'T HAVE MY TICKET.

SUPPOSED TO BE READY TODAY, BUT
I DON'T HAVE MY TICKET.
I'M SORRY.

I DON'T HAVE MY TICKET.
I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR LAUNDRY

I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR LAUNDRY
WITHOUT YOUR TICKET.

YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR LAUNDRY
WITHOUT YOUR TICKET.
♪ WHAT? YOU MUST BE CRAZY ♪

WITHOUT YOUR TICKET.
♪ WHAT? YOU MUST BE CRAZY ♪
♪ NO TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪

♪ WHAT? YOU MUST BE CRAZY ♪
♪ NO TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪
♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪

♪ NO TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪
♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪
♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪

♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪
♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪
♪ LOS ANGELES ♪

♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪
♪ LOS ANGELES ♪
♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪

♪ LOS ANGELES ♪
♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪
♪ TICKET ♪

♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪
♪ TICKET ♪
[VOCALIZING]

♪ TICKET ♪
[VOCALIZING]
♪ WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER? ♪

[VOCALIZING]
♪ WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER? ♪
♪ SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY SHE

♪ WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER? ♪
♪ SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY SHE
COULDN'T GET THE DRESS ♪

♪ SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY SHE
COULDN'T GET THE DRESS ♪
♪ THEN SHE GOT A TICKET ON HER

COULDN'T GET THE DRESS ♪
♪ THEN SHE GOT A TICKET ON HER
CAR ♪

♪ THEN SHE GOT A TICKET ON HER
CAR ♪
♪ AND NOW SHE CAN'T GET HER

CAR ♪
♪ AND NOW SHE CAN'T GET HER
LAUNDRY ♪

♪ AND NOW SHE CAN'T GET HER
LAUNDRY ♪
♪ IT'S HERS, IT'S HERS ♪

LAUNDRY ♪
♪ IT'S HERS, IT'S HERS ♪
♪ IT'S MY LAUNDRY ♪

♪ IT'S HERS, IT'S HERS ♪
♪ IT'S MY LAUNDRY ♪
[VOCALIZING]

♪ COME AND GET ME ♪
[VOCALIZING MANICALLY]

♪ LARAINE, COME AND GET ME ♪
♪ LARAINE ♪
[VOCALIZING MANICALLY]

♪ LARAINE ♪
[VOCALIZING MANICALLY]
♪ DON'T LEAVE FINGERPRINTS ON

[VOCALIZING MANICALLY]
♪ DON'T LEAVE FINGERPRINTS ON
THE BANISTER OR THE DINING

♪ DON'T LEAVE FINGERPRINTS ON
THE BANISTER OR THE DINING
ROOM ♪

THE BANISTER OR THE DINING
ROOM ♪
[VOCALIZING MANICALLY]

ROOM ♪
[VOCALIZING MANICALLY]
GOD, WILL YOU SHUT UP?!

AND NOW, AS WE COME TO THE

END OF ANOTHER BROADCAST DAY, WE

OFFER YOU THESE WORDS OF

INSPIRATION.

TONIGHT'S MESSAGE IS FROM THE

CHURCH OF CONFUSION.

OUR SERMONETTE THIS EVENING WILL

BE DELIVERED BY HIS CONFUSED

HOLINESS, THE MOST REVEREND

ARCHBISHOP

MAHARISHI O'MULLIGANSTEIN D.D.S.

GOOD AFTERNOON.
AND THANK YOU, FATHER-IN-LAW...
FOR GUIDING US THROUGH ANOTHER

AND THANK YOU, FATHER-IN-LAW...
FOR GUIDING US THROUGH ANOTHER
DAY.

FOR GUIDING US THROUGH ANOTHER
DAY.
AS THE PROPHET LAO TSE SAID AT

DAY.
AS THE PROPHET LAO TSE SAID AT
THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN WHEN

AS THE PROPHET LAO TSE SAID AT
THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN WHEN
HE FIRST SAW THE FIRST GLIMMER

THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN WHEN
HE FIRST SAW THE FIRST GLIMMER
OF THE HAZE OF CONFUSION...

HE FIRST SAW THE FIRST GLIMMER
OF THE HAZE OF CONFUSION...
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

OF THE HAZE OF CONFUSION...
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
HI. HOW ARE YOU?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
[Chanting] OM.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?
[Chanting] OM.
SHANTI OM.

[Chanting] OM.
SHANTI OM.
AND THE CONFUSED DEITY SPEAKETH

SHANTI OM.
AND THE CONFUSED DEITY SPEAKETH
UNDER KRISHNA.

AND THE CONFUSED DEITY SPEAKETH
UNDER KRISHNA.
HE SAID, "BILL, 'E' PLURIBUS

UNDER KRISHNA.
HE SAID, "BILL, 'E' PLURIBUS
UNUM.

HE SAID, "BILL, 'E' PLURIBUS
UNUM.
IN TROY, THERE LIES THE SCENE.

UNUM.
IN TROY, THERE LIES THE SCENE.
CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING.

IN TROY, THERE LIES THE SCENE.
CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR FEET OFF THE

CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR FEET OFF THE
JUMP SEAT.

PLEASE KEEP YOUR FEET OFF THE
JUMP SEAT.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH] AMEN."

JUMP SEAT.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH] AMEN."
AND BILL UNDERSTOOD.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH] AMEN."
AND BILL UNDERSTOOD.
YOU SEE, HE, TOO, WAS CONFUSED.

AND BILL UNDERSTOOD.
YOU SEE, HE, TOO, WAS CONFUSED.
FELLOW CONFUSISTS, WE MUST

YOU SEE, HE, TOO, WAS CONFUSED.
FELLOW CONFUSISTS, WE MUST
REAFFIRM OUR CONFUSION EVERY

FELLOW CONFUSISTS, WE MUST
REAFFIRM OUR CONFUSION EVERY
DAY.

REAFFIRM OUR CONFUSION EVERY
DAY.
ZEUS LOVES YOU.

DAY.
ZEUS LOVES YOU.
HE LOVES ALL MORMONS.

ZEUS LOVES YOU.
HE LOVES ALL MORMONS.
♪ ROCK OF AGES ♪

HE LOVES ALL MORMONS.
♪ ROCK OF AGES ♪
♪ TAKE MY WIFE ♪

♪ ROCK OF AGES ♪
♪ TAKE MY WIFE ♪
PREPARE TO DRINK FROM THE

♪ TAKE MY WIFE ♪
PREPARE TO DRINK FROM THE
KIDDISH CUP, FOR AS GOD GIVETH,

PREPARE TO DRINK FROM THE
KIDDISH CUP, FOR AS GOD GIVETH,
HE ALSO GIVETH.

KIDDISH CUP, FOR AS GOD GIVETH,
HE ALSO GIVETH.
I'M REMINDED THIS ASH OF THE

HE ALSO GIVETH.
I'M REMINDED THIS ASH OF THE
STORY CALLED ABOUT FROM THE

I'M REMINDED THIS ASH OF THE
STORY CALLED ABOUT FROM THE
QUR'AN ON THE ANALYLICS OF

STORY CALLED ABOUT FROM THE
QUR'AN ON THE ANALYLICS OF
CONFUCIUS ABOUT A MAN WHO

QUR'AN ON THE ANALYLICS OF
CONFUCIUS ABOUT A MAN WHO
WANDERED AIMLESSLY THROUGHOUT

CONFUCIUS ABOUT A MAN WHO
WANDERED AIMLESSLY THROUGHOUT
HIS LIFE AND THIS STORY FOR 40

WANDERED AIMLESSLY THROUGHOUT
HIS LIFE AND THIS STORY FOR 40
DAYS AND 50 NIGHTS WHEN HE CAME

HIS LIFE AND THIS STORY FOR 40
DAYS AND 50 NIGHTS WHEN HE CAME
UPON A CLEARING.

DAYS AND 50 NIGHTS WHEN HE CAME
UPON A CLEARING.
BEFORE HIM WERE FIVE ROADS.

UPON A CLEARING.
BEFORE HIM WERE FIVE ROADS.
FIVE ROADS NOT TAKEN AND MILES

BEFORE HIM WERE FIVE ROADS.
FIVE ROADS NOT TAKEN AND MILES
TO GO BEFORE THEY SLEPT.

FIVE ROADS NOT TAKEN AND MILES
TO GO BEFORE THEY SLEPT.
NOW, HE WAS TRULY CONFUSED.

TO GO BEFORE THEY SLEPT.
NOW, HE WAS TRULY CONFUSED.
"WHICH ROAD SHOULD I TAKE?"

NOW, HE WAS TRULY CONFUSED.
"WHICH ROAD SHOULD I TAKE?"
IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION

"WHICH ROAD SHOULD I TAKE?"
IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION
INDEED, FOR THE TRAVELER KNEW

IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION
INDEED, FOR THE TRAVELER KNEW
NOR WHERE HE WAS GOING BUT NOT

INDEED, FOR THE TRAVELER KNEW
NOR WHERE HE WAS GOING BUT NOT
WHERE HE HAD COME FROM.

NOR WHERE HE WAS GOING BUT NOT
WHERE HE HAD COME FROM.
BUT THEN A SIGN APPEARED BEFORE

WHERE HE HAD COME FROM.
BUT THEN A SIGN APPEARED BEFORE
HIM, A SIGN FROM ABOVE.

BUT THEN A SIGN APPEARED BEFORE
HIM, A SIGN FROM ABOVE.
A STAR ROSE IN THE HEAVENS, THE

HIM, A SIGN FROM ABOVE.
A STAR ROSE IN THE HEAVENS, THE
WIND HOWLED FROM THE WEST, THE

A STAR ROSE IN THE HEAVENS, THE
WIND HOWLED FROM THE WEST, THE
RED SEA PARTED, A PYRAMID FELL,

WIND HOWLED FROM THE WEST, THE
RED SEA PARTED, A PYRAMID FELL,
AND A BABY CRIED.

RED SEA PARTED, A PYRAMID FELL,
AND A BABY CRIED.
AND ANOTHER SIGN... LIKE

AND A BABY CRIED.
AND ANOTHER SIGN... LIKE
THUNDER, A SMALL, FOREIGN CAR

AND ANOTHER SIGN... LIKE
THUNDER, A SMALL, FOREIGN CAR
EXPLODED, AND THE TRAVELER KNEW

THUNDER, A SMALL, FOREIGN CAR
EXPLODED, AND THE TRAVELER KNEW
THAT HE COULD NO LONGER BE

EXPLODED, AND THE TRAVELER KNEW
THAT HE COULD NO LONGER BE
DRIVEN OUT OF THE PROMISED LAND.

THAT HE COULD NO LONGER BE
DRIVEN OUT OF THE PROMISED LAND.
BLESS YOU.

DRIVEN OUT OF THE PROMISED LAND.
BLESS YOU.
AND, FINALLY, THE TRAVELER CAME

BLESS YOU.
AND, FINALLY, THE TRAVELER CAME
UPON A GIANT FOOTPRINT IN THE

AND, FINALLY, THE TRAVELER CAME
UPON A GIANT FOOTPRINT IN THE
GROUND, AND HE SPAKETH TRULY

UPON A GIANT FOOTPRINT IN THE
GROUND, AND HE SPAKETH TRULY
THAT THIS MUST BE THE HAND OF

GROUND, AND HE SPAKETH TRULY
THAT THIS MUST BE THE HAND OF
GOD.

THAT THIS MUST BE THE HAND OF
GOD.
AND HE WAS CONFUSETHED.

GOD.
AND HE WAS CONFUSETHED.
HE WENT TO THE FOOT OF THE

AND HE WAS CONFUSETHED.
HE WENT TO THE FOOT OF THE
MOUNTAIN, AND HE CRIED,

HE WENT TO THE FOOT OF THE
MOUNTAIN, AND HE CRIED,
"CONFUSED AT LAST!

MOUNTAIN, AND HE CRIED,
"CONFUSED AT LAST!
CONFUSED AT LAST!

"CONFUSED AT LAST!
CONFUSED AT LAST!
LOU, LOU, MR. FIELDS, WANTS THE

CONFUSED AT LAST!
LOU, LOU, MR. FIELDS, WANTS THE
RENT!"

LOU, LOU, MR. FIELDS, WANTS THE
RENT!"
WE ARE CONFUSED AT LAST.

RENT!"
WE ARE CONFUSED AT LAST.
AND SO, AS WE PREPARE TO MEET

WE ARE CONFUSED AT LAST.
AND SO, AS WE PREPARE TO MEET
ANOTHER DAY...

AND SO, AS WE PREPARE TO MEET
ANOTHER DAY...
IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO READ

ANOTHER DAY...
IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO READ
FROM, WELL, FROM LEVITI...

IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO READ
FROM, WELL, FROM LEVITI...
LEVITICUS 1:4, JACKSON 5.

FROM, WELL, FROM LEVITI...
LEVITICUS 1:4, JACKSON 5.
"TAKE EAT.

LEVITICUS 1:4, JACKSON 5.
"TAKE EAT.
THIS IS MY BODY.

"TAKE EAT.
THIS IS MY BODY.
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?"

THIS IS MY BODY.
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?"
SO, IN CLOSING, MAY YOUR KARMA

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?"
SO, IN CLOSING, MAY YOUR KARMA
BE FINE WHEN COMBINED WITH A

SO, IN CLOSING, MAY YOUR KARMA
BE FINE WHEN COMBINED WITH A
CONSCIENTIOUSLY APPLIED PROGRAM

BE FINE WHEN COMBINED WITH A
CONSCIENTIOUSLY APPLIED PROGRAM
OF ORAL HYGIENE AND REGULAR

CONSCIENTIOUSLY APPLIED PROGRAM
OF ORAL HYGIENE AND REGULAR
DENTAL CARE.

OF ORAL HYGIENE AND REGULAR
DENTAL CARE.
AMEN. GOOD NIGHT.

DENTAL CARE.
AMEN. GOOD NIGHT.
HELLO.

HEY!
YOU HEAR SOMETHIN'?
YEAH.

YOU HEAR SOMETHIN'?
YEAH.
HALT!

YEAH.
HALT!
WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?

HALT!
WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?
[German accent] APPLE.

WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?
[German accent] APPLE.
WE'VE HAD REPORTS THERE'S

[German accent] APPLE.
WE'VE HAD REPORTS THERE'S
SOME JERRIES, UH, DRESSED UP IN

WE'VE HAD REPORTS THERE'S
SOME JERRIES, UH, DRESSED UP IN
G.I. UNIFORMS TRYIN' TO SNEAK

SOME JERRIES, UH, DRESSED UP IN
G.I. UNIFORMS TRYIN' TO SNEAK
BEHIND OUR LINES.

G.I. UNIFORMS TRYIN' TO SNEAK
BEHIND OUR LINES.
YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK

BEHIND OUR LINES.
YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK
YOU SOME QUESTIONS.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK
YOU SOME QUESTIONS.
JA, DAS IST OKAY.

YOU SOME QUESTIONS.
JA, DAS IST OKAY.
[German accent] YOU CAN'T

JA, DAS IST OKAY.
[German accent] YOU CAN'T
BE TOO CAREFUL MIT THOSE KRAUTS.

[German accent] YOU CAN'T
BE TOO CAREFUL MIT THOSE KRAUTS.
WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF

BE TOO CAREFUL MIT THOSE KRAUTS.
WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF
ILLINOIS?

WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF
ILLINOIS?
"SHPRINGFIELD."

ILLINOIS?
"SHPRINGFIELD."
HOW 'BOUT OKLAHOMA?

"SHPRINGFIELD."
HOW 'BOUT OKLAHOMA?
OKLAHOMA CITY.

HOW 'BOUT OKLAHOMA?
OKLAHOMA CITY.
HOW MANY QUARTS IN A GALLON?

OKLAHOMA CITY.
HOW MANY QUARTS IN A GALLON?
EINS, ZWEI, DREI ...FOUR.

HOW MANY QUARTS IN A GALLON?
EINS, ZWEI, DREI ...FOUR.
YOU!

EINS, ZWEI, DREI ...FOUR.
YOU!
WHO WAS THE DRAGON LADY?

YOU!
WHO WAS THE DRAGON LADY?
IN "TERRY AND THE PIRATES."

WHO WAS THE DRAGON LADY?
IN "TERRY AND THE PIRATES."
WHAT COLOR ARE THE YANKEES'

IN "TERRY AND THE PIRATES."
WHAT COLOR ARE THE YANKEES'
UNIFORMS?

WHAT COLOR ARE THE YANKEES'
UNIFORMS?
PINSTRIPED, "VHITE" MIT GRAY.

UNIFORMS?
PINSTRIPED, "VHITE" MIT GRAY.
WHAT'S A TEXAS LEAGUER?

PINSTRIPED, "VHITE" MIT GRAY.
WHAT'S A TEXAS LEAGUER?
A BASE HIT IN BASEBALL THAT

WHAT'S A TEXAS LEAGUER?
A BASE HIT IN BASEBALL THAT
FALLS BETWEEN "ZE" INFIELD UND

A BASE HIT IN BASEBALL THAT
FALLS BETWEEN "ZE" INFIELD UND
THE OUTFIELD.

FALLS BETWEEN "ZE" INFIELD UND
THE OUTFIELD.
USUALLY A "ZINGLE."

THE OUTFIELD.
USUALLY A "ZINGLE."
"ZO" NAMED FOR A MINOR LEAGUE

USUALLY A "ZINGLE."
"ZO" NAMED FOR A MINOR LEAGUE
IN TEXAS.

"ZO" NAMED FOR A MINOR LEAGUE
IN TEXAS.
CAPITAL, AUSTIN.

IN TEXAS.
CAPITAL, AUSTIN.
THE WEIGHT OF "ZE"

CAPITAL, AUSTIN.
THE WEIGHT OF "ZE"
BASEBALL...

THE WEIGHT OF "ZE"
BASEBALL...
3.8 OUNCES!

BASEBALL...
3.8 OUNCES!
OKAY, OKAY.

3.8 OUNCES!
OKAY, OKAY.
TELL ME WHO THIS IS.

OKAY, OKAY.
TELL ME WHO THIS IS.
WOLINSKI, DO YOUR IMITATION.

TELL ME WHO THIS IS.
WOLINSKI, DO YOUR IMITATION.
GO AHEAD, SARGE.

WOLINSKI, DO YOUR IMITATION.
GO AHEAD, SARGE.
[Imitating James Cagney]

GO AHEAD, SARGE.
[Imitating James Cagney]
YOU DIRTY RAT!

[Imitating James Cagney]
YOU DIRTY RAT!
YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!

YOU DIRTY RAT!
YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!
[LAUGHS]

YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!
[LAUGHS]
OKAY, NOW, WHO WAS IT?

[LAUGHS]
OKAY, NOW, WHO WAS IT?
PAUL WHITEMAN.

OKAY, NOW, WHO WAS IT?
PAUL WHITEMAN.
NO, NO, NO, NO.

PAUL WHITEMAN.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
TRY IT AGAIN.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
TRY IT AGAIN.
DO IT AGAIN. HE DOES IT BETTER.

TRY IT AGAIN.
DO IT AGAIN. HE DOES IT BETTER.
GO 'HEAD.

DO IT AGAIN. HE DOES IT BETTER.
GO 'HEAD.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

GO 'HEAD.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[Imitating James Cagney]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[Imitating James Cagney]
YOU DIRTY RAT!

[Imitating James Cagney]
YOU DIRTY RAT!
YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!

YOU DIRTY RAT!
YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!
IKE.

YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!
IKE.
NO, NOT IKE.

IKE.
NO, NOT IKE.
UH, I MEANT, "VALTER VINCHELL."

NO, NOT IKE.
UH, I MEANT, "VALTER VINCHELL."
YEAH!

UH, I MEANT, "VALTER VINCHELL."
YEAH!
SAY, THAT'S WHO I THOUGHT IT WAS

YEAH!
SAY, THAT'S WHO I THOUGHT IT WAS
WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT.

SAY, THAT'S WHO I THOUGHT IT WAS
WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT.
WELL, OKAY.

WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT.
WELL, OKAY.
I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE OKAY.

WELL, OKAY.
I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE OKAY.
YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU JUST CAN'T

I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE OKAY.
YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU JUST CAN'T
BE TOO CAREFUL, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU JUST CAN'T
BE TOO CAREFUL, THOUGH.
CIGARETTE?

BE TOO CAREFUL, THOUGH.
CIGARETTE?
YEAH, HERE.

CIGARETTE?
YEAH, HERE.
YOU HAVE TO WATCH YOURSELF

YEAH, HERE.
YOU HAVE TO WATCH YOURSELF
VERY CAREFULLY HERE.

YOU HAVE TO WATCH YOURSELF
VERY CAREFULLY HERE.
YA-HESS!

VERY CAREFULLY HERE.
YA-HESS!
YEAH.

YA-HESS!
YEAH.
HEY, YOU GUYS GOT A MATCH?

YEAH.
HEY, YOU GUYS GOT A MATCH?
OH, YES.

HEY, YOU GUYS GOT A MATCH?
OH, YES.
YOU KNOW, WE GOT PLENTY OF

OH, YES.
YOU KNOW, WE GOT PLENTY OF
CIGARETTES UP HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT PLENTY OF
CIGARETTES UP HERE.
THEY NEVER SEND US ANY MATCHES.

CIGARETTES UP HERE.
THEY NEVER SEND US ANY MATCHES.
[CHUCKLES]

THEY NEVER SEND US ANY MATCHES.
[CHUCKLES]
MM.

[CHUCKLES]
MM.
YOU CAN KEEP THIS.

MM.
YOU CAN KEEP THIS.
HEY, THANKS A LOT.

YOU CAN KEEP THIS.
HEY, THANKS A LOT.
HEY, WHAT'S THIS SAY?

HEY, THANKS A LOT.
HEY, WHAT'S THIS SAY?
HOFBRAEUHAUS?

HEY, WHAT'S THIS SAY?
HOFBRAEUHAUS?
BERLIN?

HOFBRAEUHAUS?
BERLIN?
BERLIN!

BERLIN?
BERLIN!
ALL RIGHT, KRAUTS!

BERLIN!
ALL RIGHT, KRAUTS!
DROP IT, KRAUTS!

ALL RIGHT, KRAUTS!
DROP IT, KRAUTS!
DROP IT! SEARCH 'EM!

DROP IT, KRAUTS!
DROP IT! SEARCH 'EM!
WATCH OUT FOR BOOBY TRAPS!

DROP IT! SEARCH 'EM!
WATCH OUT FOR BOOBY TRAPS!
COME ON!

WATCH OUT FOR BOOBY TRAPS!
COME ON!
BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE, SARGE.

COME ON!
BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE, SARGE.
THAT SURE WAS.

BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE, SARGE.
THAT SURE WAS.
THESE JERRIES ALMOST GOT PAST

THAT SURE WAS.
THESE JERRIES ALMOST GOT PAST
US.

THESE JERRIES ALMOST GOT PAST
US.
THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THEY

US.
THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THEY
DIDN'T!

THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THEY
DIDN'T!
YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL,

DIDN'T!
YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL,
YOU KNOW?

YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL,
YOU KNOW?
YA CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY!

YOU KNOW?
YA CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY!
THAT'S RIGHT.

YA CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY!
THAT'S RIGHT.
SAY, SARGE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU

THAT'S RIGHT.
SAY, SARGE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
SHOULD HAVE ASKED 'EM?

SAY, SARGE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
SHOULD HAVE ASKED 'EM?
"WHO IS THE MANAGER OF THE

SHOULD HAVE ASKED 'EM?
"WHO IS THE MANAGER OF THE
CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?"

"WHO IS THE MANAGER OF THE
CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?"
THEY COULDN'T HAVE ANSWERED

CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?"
THEY COULDN'T HAVE ANSWERED
THAT!

THEY COULDN'T HAVE ANSWERED
THAT!
YEAH.

THAT!
YEAH.
BY THE WAY, WASHINGTON, WHO

YEAH.
BY THE WAY, WASHINGTON, WHO
IS THE MANAGER OF THE

BY THE WAY, WASHINGTON, WHO
IS THE MANAGER OF THE
CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?

IS THE MANAGER OF THE
CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?
UH...

CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?
UH...
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE.

UH...
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE.
DROP IT, WASHINGTON!

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE.
DROP IT, WASHINGTON!
KRAUT!

DROP IT, WASHINGTON!
KRAUT!
DROP IT!

KRAUT!
DROP IT!
HUH?

DROP IT!
HUH?
DROP IT!

HUH?
DROP IT!
ALL RIGHT, NOW, WOLINSKI?!

DROP IT!
ALL RIGHT, NOW, WOLINSKI?!
YEAH, SARGE?

ALL RIGHT, NOW, WOLINSKI?!
YEAH, SARGE?
WHO'S THE MANAGER OF THE

YEAH, SARGE?
WHO'S THE MANAGER OF THE
INDIANS?

WHO'S THE MANAGER OF THE
INDIANS?
I DON'T KNOW, SARGE.

INDIANS?
I DON'T KNOW, SARGE.
DROP IT! DROP IT!

I DON'T KNOW, SARGE.
DROP IT! DROP IT!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

DROP IT! DROP IT!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
MY OWN MEN... LOUSY JERRIES!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
MY OWN MEN... LOUSY JERRIES!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

MY OWN MEN... LOUSY JERRIES!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU CAN'T

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU CAN'T
TRUST ANYBODY!

JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU CAN'T
TRUST ANYBODY!
HEY, SERGEANT.

TRUST ANYBODY!
HEY, SERGEANT.
WHAT?

HEY, SERGEANT.
WHAT?
WELL, YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU

WHAT?
WELL, YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU
SOMETHIN'?

WELL, YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU
SOMETHIN'?
WHAT?

SOMETHIN'?
WHAT?
WHO IS THE MANAGER OF

WHAT?
WHO IS THE MANAGER OF
CLEVELAND, UH, THIS YEAR?

WHO IS THE MANAGER OF
CLEVELAND, UH, THIS YEAR?
IT'S, UH...

CLEVELAND, UH, THIS YEAR?
IT'S, UH...
UHHH...

IT'S, UH...
UHHH...
OH, NO.

UHHH...
OH, NO.
I'M A... KRAUT!

OH, NO.
I'M A... KRAUT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
BILLY JOEL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BILLY JOEL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "JUST THE WAY YOU

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "JUST THE WAY YOU
ARE" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "JUST THE WAY YOU
ARE" PLAYS]
♪ DON'T GO CHANGING TO TRY

[ARE" PLAYS]
♪ DON'T GO CHANGING TO TRY
AND PLEASE ME ♪

♪ DON'T GO CHANGING TO TRY
AND PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN BEFORE ♪

AND PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN BEFORE ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN BEFORE ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ DON'T IMAGINE YOU'RE TOO

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ DON'T IMAGINE YOU'RE TOO
FAMILIAR ♪

♪ DON'T IMAGINE YOU'RE TOO
FAMILIAR ♪
♪ AND I DON'T SEE YOU ANYMORE ♪

FAMILIAR ♪
♪ AND I DON'T SEE YOU ANYMORE ♪
♪ I WOULD NOT LEAVE YOU IN TIMES

♪ AND I DON'T SEE YOU ANYMORE ♪
♪ I WOULD NOT LEAVE YOU IN TIMES
OF TROUBLE ♪

♪ I WOULD NOT LEAVE YOU IN TIMES
OF TROUBLE ♪
♪ WE NEVER COULD HAVE COME THIS

OF TROUBLE ♪
♪ WE NEVER COULD HAVE COME THIS
FAR ♪

♪ WE NEVER COULD HAVE COME THIS
FAR ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

FAR ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ I TOOK THE GOOD TIMES ♪

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ I TOOK THE GOOD TIMES ♪
♪ I'LL TAKE THE BAD TIMES ♪

♪ I TOOK THE GOOD TIMES ♪
♪ I'LL TAKE THE BAD TIMES ♪
♪ I'LL TAKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU

♪ I'LL TAKE THE BAD TIMES ♪
♪ I'LL TAKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU
ARE ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU
ARE ♪
♪ DON'T GO TRYING SOME NEW

ARE ♪
♪ DON'T GO TRYING SOME NEW
FASHION ♪

♪ DON'T GO TRYING SOME NEW
FASHION ♪
♪ DON'T CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR

FASHION ♪
♪ DON'T CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR
HAIR ♪

♪ DON'T CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR
HAIR ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

HAIR ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ YOU ALWAYS HAVE MY UNSPOKEN

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ YOU ALWAYS HAVE MY UNSPOKEN
PASSION ♪

♪ YOU ALWAYS HAVE MY UNSPOKEN
PASSION ♪
♪ ALTHOUGH I MIGHT NOT SEEM TO

PASSION ♪
♪ ALTHOUGH I MIGHT NOT SEEM TO
CARE ♪

♪ ALTHOUGH I MIGHT NOT SEEM TO
CARE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT CLEVER

CARE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT CLEVER
CONVERSATION ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT CLEVER
CONVERSATION ♪
♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT

CONVERSATION ♪
♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT
HARD ♪

♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT
HARD ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

HARD ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN
TALK TO ♪

♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN
TALK TO ♪
♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU

TALK TO ♪
♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU
ARE ♪

♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU
ARE ♪
♪ I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL

ARE ♪
♪ I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL
ALWAYS BE ♪

♪ I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL
ALWAYS BE ♪
♪ THE SAME OLD SOMEONE THAT I

ALWAYS BE ♪
♪ THE SAME OLD SOMEONE THAT I
KNEW ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD SOMEONE THAT I
KNEW ♪
♪ OH, WHAT WILL IT TAKE TILL YOU

KNEW ♪
♪ OH, WHAT WILL IT TAKE TILL YOU
BELIEVE IN ME ♪

♪ OH, WHAT WILL IT TAKE TILL YOU
BELIEVE IN ME ♪
♪ THE WAY THAT I BELIEVE IN

BELIEVE IN ME ♪
♪ THE WAY THAT I BELIEVE IN
YOU? ♪

♪ THE WAY THAT I BELIEVE IN
YOU? ♪
♪ I SAID I LOVE YOU ♪

YOU? ♪
♪ I SAID I LOVE YOU ♪
♪ THAT'S FOREVER ♪

♪ I SAID I LOVE YOU ♪
♪ THAT'S FOREVER ♪
♪ AND THIS I PROMISE FROM THE

♪ THAT'S FOREVER ♪
♪ AND THIS I PROMISE FROM THE
HEART ♪

♪ AND THIS I PROMISE FROM THE
HEART ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

HEART ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ I COULDN'T LOVE YOU ANY

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ I COULDN'T LOVE YOU ANY
BETTER ♪

♪ I COULDN'T LOVE YOU ANY
BETTER ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU

BETTER ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU
ARE-E-E-E-E ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU
ARE-E-E-E-E ♪
♪ RIGHT ♪

ARE-E-E-E-E ♪
♪ RIGHT ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH-OH-OH ♪

♪ RIGHT ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH-OH-OH ♪
[SAXOPHONE SOLO PLAYS]

♪ I DON'T WANT CLEVER
CONVERSATION, NO, NO ♪
♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT

CONVERSATION, NO, NO ♪
♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT
HARD ♪

♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT
HARD ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

HARD ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN
TALK TO ♪

♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN
TALK TO ♪
♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU

TALK TO ♪
♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU
A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE ♪

♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU
A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE ♪
♪ HO-OH-OH-OH-OHH ♪

A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE ♪
♪ HO-OH-OH-OH-OHH ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH ♪

♪ HO-OH-OH-OH-OHH ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[British accent] LOOK,
HERE'S OUR CHARLIE'S ANGELS ON
THE COVER OF TV GUIDE.

HERE'S OUR CHARLIE'S ANGELS ON
THE COVER OF TV GUIDE.
[British accent] OH, LOVELY

THE COVER OF TV GUIDE.
[British accent] OH, LOVELY
GIRL, THAT CHERYL LADD.

[British accent] OH, LOVELY
GIRL, THAT CHERYL LADD.
[British accent] LOVELY

GIRL, THAT CHERYL LADD.
[British accent] LOVELY
HAIR.

[British accent] LOVELY
HAIR.
LOVELY.

HAIR.
LOVELY.
MIND YOU, I DON'T PARTICULARLY

LOVELY.
MIND YOU, I DON'T PARTICULARLY
FANCY KATE'S HAIR.

MIND YOU, I DON'T PARTICULARLY
FANCY KATE'S HAIR.
IT IS A POOR SHOWING NEXT TO

FANCY KATE'S HAIR.
IT IS A POOR SHOWING NEXT TO
JACLYN AND CHERYL'S HAIR.

IT IS A POOR SHOWING NEXT TO
JACLYN AND CHERYL'S HAIR.
I DON'T SEE WILLIAM BOLSON

JACLYN AND CHERYL'S HAIR.
I DON'T SEE WILLIAM BOLSON
BEATING DOWN YOUR DOOR, DO I?

I DON'T SEE WILLIAM BOLSON
BEATING DOWN YOUR DOOR, DO I?
BESIDES, KATE'S HAIR CAN ACT.

BEATING DOWN YOUR DOOR, DO I?
BESIDES, KATE'S HAIR CAN ACT.
WELL, I MISS FARRAH'S HAIR.

BESIDES, KATE'S HAIR CAN ACT.
WELL, I MISS FARRAH'S HAIR.
IT HAD SO MUCH BODY.

WELL, I MISS FARRAH'S HAIR.
IT HAD SO MUCH BODY.
FARRAH'S HAIR HAD MORE BODY

IT HAD SO MUCH BODY.
FARRAH'S HAIR HAD MORE BODY
THAN HER BODY.

FARRAH'S HAIR HAD MORE BODY
THAN HER BODY.
ANYWAY, NONE OF THEM EVER HAD

THAN HER BODY.
ANYWAY, NONE OF THEM EVER HAD
THE MANGE, KNOCK ON WOOD.

ANYWAY, NONE OF THEM EVER HAD
THE MANGE, KNOCK ON WOOD.
MARK MY WORDS, ONE DAY

THE MANGE, KNOCK ON WOOD.
MARK MY WORDS, ONE DAY
THEY'LL CATCH THEIR DEATH OF

MARK MY WORDS, ONE DAY
THEY'LL CATCH THEIR DEATH OF
COLD RUNNING AFTER CRIMINALS

THEY'LL CATCH THEIR DEATH OF
COLD RUNNING AFTER CRIMINALS
WITH THEIR NINNIES JUMPING OUT

COLD RUNNING AFTER CRIMINALS
WITH THEIR NINNIES JUMPING OUT
OF THEIR T-SHIRTS.

WITH THEIR NINNIES JUMPING OUT
OF THEIR T-SHIRTS.
THEY OUGHT TO WRAP UP MORE.

OF THEIR T-SHIRTS.
THEY OUGHT TO WRAP UP MORE.
YES, IT'S NOT DECENT.

THEY OUGHT TO WRAP UP MORE.
YES, IT'S NOT DECENT.
MNH-MNH.

YES, IT'S NOT DECENT.
MNH-MNH.
LOVELY GIRLS, THOUGH.

MNH-MNH.
LOVELY GIRLS, THOUGH.
LOVELY T-SHIRTS.

LOVELY GIRLS, THOUGH.
LOVELY T-SHIRTS.
LOVELY NINNIES.

LOVELY T-SHIRTS.
LOVELY NINNIES.
LOVELY.

LOVELY NINNIES.
LOVELY.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

LOVELY.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT? COME IN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT? COME IN.
HEY, GIRLS, WE'RE RUNNING A

WHO IS IT? COME IN.
HEY, GIRLS, WE'RE RUNNING A
BIT LATE.

HEY, GIRLS, WE'RE RUNNING A
BIT LATE.
IT'S A VERY CUTE BIT, BUT...

BIT LATE.
IT'S A VERY CUTE BIT, BUT...
OH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK...

IT'S A VERY CUTE BIT, BUT...
OH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK...
IT'S... IT'S... IT'S OUR SON,

OH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK...
IT'S... IT'S... IT'S OUR SON,
NIGEL.

IT'S... IT'S... IT'S OUR SON,
NIGEL.
OH, IT'S TIME FOR NIGEL'S

NIGEL.
OH, IT'S TIME FOR NIGEL'S
NAP.

OH, IT'S TIME FOR NIGEL'S
NAP.
GO TAKE YOUR NAP, NIGEL.

NAP.
GO TAKE YOUR NAP, NIGEL.
GO ON.

GO TAKE YOUR NAP, NIGEL.
GO ON.
GIRLS, YOU WANT TO WIND THIS

GO ON.
GIRLS, YOU WANT TO WIND THIS
UP?

GIRLS, YOU WANT TO WIND THIS
UP?
I HAD A LONG SPEECH PREPARED FOR

UP?
I HAD A LONG SPEECH PREPARED FOR
THE ENDING, AND THIS THING IS

I HAD A LONG SPEECH PREPARED FOR
THE ENDING, AND THIS THING IS
GETTING THAT WAY, AND IF YOU

THE ENDING, AND THIS THING IS
GETTING THAT WAY, AND IF YOU
DON'T MIND A LITTLE...

GETTING THAT WAY, AND IF YOU
DON'T MIND A LITTLE...
[Normal voice] GO AWAY,

DON'T MIND A LITTLE...
[Normal voice] GO AWAY,
CHEVY.

[Normal voice] GO AWAY,
CHEVY.
FROM A GUY WHO'S HAD HIS OWN

CHEVY.
FROM A GUY WHO'S HAD HIS OWN
SPECIAL, THIS PIECE IS GOING

FROM A GUY WHO'S HAD HIS OWN
SPECIAL, THIS PIECE IS GOING
NOWHERE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SPECIAL, THIS PIECE IS GOING
NOWHERE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
NO FINISH.

NOWHERE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
NO FINISH.
CHEVY, WOULD YOU GO AWAY?

NO FINISH.
CHEVY, WOULD YOU GO AWAY?
HAVE YOU GOT A FINISH, AN

CHEVY, WOULD YOU GO AWAY?
HAVE YOU GOT A FINISH, AN
ENDING?

HAVE YOU GOT A FINISH, AN
ENDING?
YES, WELL, GARRETT COMES IN

ENDING?
YES, WELL, GARRETT COMES IN
AS THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY

YES, WELL, GARRETT COMES IN
AS THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
AND WE HIT HIM WITH OUR PURSES.

AS THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
AND WE HIT HIM WITH OUR PURSES.
IT'S A REAL FUNNY ENDING.

AND WE HIT HIM WITH OUR PURSES.
IT'S A REAL FUNNY ENDING.
I DON'T THINK THAT ENDING'S

IT'S A REAL FUNNY ENDING.
I DON'T THINK THAT ENDING'S
GONNA WORK.

I DON'T THINK THAT ENDING'S
GONNA WORK.
IT'S STRANGE.

GONNA WORK.
IT'S STRANGE.
UH...

IT'S STRANGE.
UH...
I CAME OUT HERE, YOU KNOW, AND I

UH...
I CAME OUT HERE, YOU KNOW, AND I
HAD A FUNNY ENDING FOR YOU, AND

I CAME OUT HERE, YOU KNOW, AND I
HAD A FUNNY ENDING FOR YOU, AND
NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

HAD A FUNNY ENDING FOR YOU, AND
NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I KNOW I'M HERE, BUT IT'S ALMOST

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I KNOW I'M HERE, BUT IT'S ALMOST
AS IF THERE WAS NO WAY OUT OF

I KNOW I'M HERE, BUT IT'S ALMOST
AS IF THERE WAS NO WAY OUT OF
THIS SCENE.

AS IF THERE WAS NO WAY OUT OF
THIS SCENE.
I... I...

THIS SCENE.
I... I...
[THEME FROM "THE TWILIGHT ZONE"

I... I...
[THEME FROM "THE TWILIGHT ZONE"
PLAYS]

[THEME FROM "THE TWILIGHT ZONE"
PLAYS]
SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL,

[PLAYS]
SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL,
FOUR PERFORMERS TRAPPED IN A

SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL,
FOUR PERFORMERS TRAPPED IN A
SCENE WITHOUT AN ENDING.

FOUR PERFORMERS TRAPPED IN A
SCENE WITHOUT AN ENDING.
WHAT DO THEY RESORT TO?

SCENE WITHOUT AN ENDING.
WHAT DO THEY RESORT TO?
THEY RESORT TO ME, A MAN WITH NO

WHAT DO THEY RESORT TO?
THEY RESORT TO ME, A MAN WITH NO
UPPER LIP BUT WITH AN

THEY RESORT TO ME, A MAN WITH NO
UPPER LIP BUT WITH AN
IMAGINATION THAT UNLOCKS DOORS,

UPPER LIP BUT WITH AN
IMAGINATION THAT UNLOCKS DOORS,
HOPING I'LL BAIL THEM OUT WITH

IMAGINATION THAT UNLOCKS DOORS,
HOPING I'LL BAIL THEM OUT WITH
THIS CHEAP ROD SERLING

HOPING I'LL BAIL THEM OUT WITH
THIS CHEAP ROD SERLING
IMPRESSION TO GIVE THIS SCENE AN

THIS CHEAP ROD SERLING
IMPRESSION TO GIVE THIS SCENE AN
ENDING IN "THE TWILIGHT ZONE."

IMPRESSION TO GIVE THIS SCENE AN
ENDING IN "THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[Imitating Truman Capote]
OH, ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS?
I LOVE ROD SERLING.

OH, ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS?
I LOVE ROD SERLING.
I THINK HE'S WONDERFUL.

I LOVE ROD SERLING.
I THINK HE'S WONDERFUL.
HE'S SO MUCH LIKE PIRENDELLO.

I THINK HE'S WONDERFUL.
HE'S SO MUCH LIKE PIRENDELLO.
I LOVE A GOOD TWIST TO A STORY.

HE'S SO MUCH LIKE PIRENDELLO.
I LOVE A GOOD TWIST TO A STORY.
I THINK THAT WHAT WE'VE SEEN

I LOVE A GOOD TWIST TO A STORY.
I THINK THAT WHAT WE'VE SEEN
HERE PROVES DECISIVELY THAT HEAD

I THINK THAT WHAT WE'VE SEEN
HERE PROVES DECISIVELY THAT HEAD
HUMOR IS NOT DEAD.

HERE PROVES DECISIVELY THAT HEAD
HUMOR IS NOT DEAD.
WELL, THIS WRAPS UP ANOTHER

HUMOR IS NOT DEAD.
WELL, THIS WRAPS UP ANOTHER
EPISODE OF "BELUSHI'S CAPOTE

WELL, THIS WRAPS UP ANOTHER
EPISODE OF "BELUSHI'S CAPOTE
MIGHT BE THE ENDING WE'RE

EPISODE OF "BELUSHI'S CAPOTE
MIGHT BE THE ENDING WE'RE
LOOKING FOR."

MIGHT BE THE ENDING WE'RE
LOOKING FOR."
[LAUGHTER]

LOOKING FOR."
[LAUGHTER]
CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT!

[LAUGHTER]
CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT!
JOHN, BABY, I'M SORRY.

CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT!
JOHN, BABY, I'M SORRY.
YOUR CAPOTE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

JOHN, BABY, I'M SORRY.
YOUR CAPOTE WAS BEAUTIFUL.
IT WAS TERRIFIC.

YOUR CAPOTE WAS BEAUTIFUL.
IT WAS TERRIFIC.
YOU WERE GREAT, BUT YOU'RE NOT

IT WAS TERRIFIC.
YOU WERE GREAT, BUT YOU'RE NOT
WEARING ANY PANTS, DUDE.

YOU WERE GREAT, BUT YOU'RE NOT
WEARING ANY PANTS, DUDE.
[Normal voice] THAT'S THE

WEARING ANY PANTS, DUDE.
[Normal voice] THAT'S THE
ENDING.

[Normal voice] THAT'S THE
ENDING.
THAT'S THE FUNNY ENDING... I

ENDING.
THAT'S THE FUNNY ENDING... I
DON'T HAVE ANY PANTS ON.

THAT'S THE FUNNY ENDING... I
DON'T HAVE ANY PANTS ON.
IT'S KIND OF REAL ENGLISH.

DON'T HAVE ANY PANTS ON.
IT'S KIND OF REAL ENGLISH.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW... WE'RE

IT'S KIND OF REAL ENGLISH.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW... WE'RE
ALMOST OUT OF THE SCENE.

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW... WE'RE
ALMOST OUT OF THE SCENE.
WELL, JOHN, THAT IS THE KIND

ALMOST OUT OF THE SCENE.
WELL, JOHN, THAT IS THE KIND
OF EXPERIMENTAL STUFF YOU CAN DO

WELL, JOHN, THAT IS THE KIND
OF EXPERIMENTAL STUFF YOU CAN DO
ON YOUR OWN PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT?

OF EXPERIMENTAL STUFF YOU CAN DO
ON YOUR OWN PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT?
I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITH

ON YOUR OWN PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT?
I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITH
THOSE LEGS.

I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITH
THOSE LEGS.
IT IS A WRAP ON THE UNDERWEAR

THOSE LEGS.
IT IS A WRAP ON THE UNDERWEAR
LOOK, OKAY?

IT IS A WRAP ON THE UNDERWEAR
LOOK, OKAY?
WARDROBE!

LOOK, OKAY?
WARDROBE!
PUT HIM INTO SOMETHING.

WARDROBE!
PUT HIM INTO SOMETHING.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

PUT HIM INTO SOMETHING.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[British accent] OH, LOOK

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[British accent] OH, LOOK
HERE.

[British accent] OH, LOOK
HERE.
WHAT'S THIS RIGHT HERE?

HERE.
WHAT'S THIS RIGHT HERE?
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU,

WHAT'S THIS RIGHT HERE?
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU,
DUCKIE?

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU,
DUCKIE?
JUST STEP INTO THESE.

DUCKIE?
JUST STEP INTO THESE.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

JUST STEP INTO THESE.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY. COME ON.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY. COME ON.
ARE YOU A BUNCH OF TOTAL

HEY. COME ON.
ARE YOU A BUNCH OF TOTAL
LAME-Os?

ARE YOU A BUNCH OF TOTAL
LAME-Os?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

LAME-Os?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
THERE IS NO ENDING TO THIS

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
THERE IS NO ENDING TO THIS
SCENE.

THERE IS NO ENDING TO THIS
SCENE.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF THIS

SCENE.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF THIS
SCENE, AND THAT'S TO HAVE A

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF THIS
SCENE, AND THAT'S TO HAVE A
HEART ATTA...

SCENE, AND THAT'S TO HAVE A
HEART ATTA...
[GROANS]

HEART ATTA...
[GROANS]
SMOOTH MOVE, JOHN.

[GROANS]
SMOOTH MOVE, JOHN.
HEART ATTACK. GREAT.

SMOOTH MOVE, JOHN.
HEART ATTACK. GREAT.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU

HEART ATTACK. GREAT.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU
GIRLS LATER.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU
GIRLS LATER.
[GROANING]

GIRLS LATER.
[GROANING]
[Normal voice] OH, THAT'S

[GROANING]
[Normal voice] OH, THAT'S
REAL GREAT FOR THE GUYS, BUT

[Normal voice] OH, THAT'S
REAL GREAT FOR THE GUYS, BUT
WOMEN HAVE A LOWER INCIDENCE OF

REAL GREAT FOR THE GUYS, BUT
WOMEN HAVE A LOWER INCIDENCE OF
HEAR... [GROANS]

WOMEN HAVE A LOWER INCIDENCE OF
HEAR... [GROANS]
[Normal voice] OH, NO, YOU

HEAR... [GROANS]
[Normal voice] OH, NO, YOU
GUYS AREN'T GONNA SLEAZE OUT OF

[Normal voice] OH, NO, YOU
GUYS AREN'T GONNA SLEAZE OUT OF
THIS SCENE ON ME? [GROANS]

GUYS AREN'T GONNA SLEAZE OUT OF
THIS SCENE ON ME? [GROANS]
[Normal voice] AND NOW A

THIS SCENE ON ME? [GROANS]
[Normal voice] AND NOW A
FILM MY GARRETT WAAH!

[Normal voice] AND NOW A
FILM MY GARRETT WAAH!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

FILM MY GARRETT WAAH!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MRS. BALDWIN?

[DOORBELL RINGS]
MRS. BALDWIN?
[DOORBELL RINGS]

MRS. BALDWIN?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MRS. FALLCHAMBER?

[DOORBELL RINGS]
MRS. FALLCHAMBER?
WHO IS IT?

MRS. FALLCHAMBER?
WHO IS IT?
MRS. EARLES?

WHO IS IT?
MRS. EARLES?
WHAT?

MRS. EARLES?
WHAT?
WHAT?

WHAT?
WHAT?
MRS. ORFLEWAIT?

WHAT?
MRS. ORFLEWAIT?
THERE'S NO MRS. ORFLEWAIT

MRS. ORFLEWAIT?
THERE'S NO MRS. ORFLEWAIT
HERE.

THERE'S NO MRS. ORFLEWAIT
HERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
CANDYGRAM.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
CANDYGRAM.
WE'RE ON DIETS.

CANDYGRAM.
WE'RE ON DIETS.
UH, GO AWAY.

WE'RE ON DIETS.
UH, GO AWAY.
UM, YOUR LIMOUSINE IS READY,

UH, GO AWAY.
UM, YOUR LIMOUSINE IS READY,
MA'AM.

UM, YOUR LIMOUSINE IS READY,
MA'AM.
WE DIDN'T ORDER ANY

MA'AM.
WE DIDN'T ORDER ANY
LIMOUSINE.

WE DIDN'T ORDER ANY
LIMOUSINE.
UM, FUNNY ENDING FOR SCENE,

LIMOUSINE.
UM, FUNNY ENDING FOR SCENE,
MA'AM.

UM, FUNNY ENDING FOR SCENE,
MA'AM.
All: COME ON IN!

MA'AM.
All: COME ON IN!
[SCREAMING]

All: COME ON IN!
[SCREAMING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEEEEY.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I GUESS I'M A LITTLE LATE, HUH?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I GUESS I'M A LITTLE LATE, HUH?
'CAUSE THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

I GUESS I'M A LITTLE LATE, HUH?
'CAUSE THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
SOME WHITE FOLKS BACK HERE,

'CAUSE THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
SOME WHITE FOLKS BACK HERE,
RIGHT?

SOME WHITE FOLKS BACK HERE,
RIGHT?
SO, I GUESS I'LL JUST ♪ SHUFFLE

RIGHT?
SO, I GUESS I'LL JUST ♪ SHUFFLE
OFF TO BUFFLE ♪

SO, I GUESS I'LL JUST ♪ SHUFFLE
OFF TO BUFFLE ♪
♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFLE ♪

OFF TO BUFFLE ♪
♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFLE ♪
♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO-OH-OH ♪

♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFLE ♪
♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO-OH-OH ♪
ARIZY-ARIZY-ARIZY THAT'S ALL,

♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO-OH-OH ♪
ARIZY-ARIZY-ARIZY THAT'S ALL,
FOLKS.

ARIZY-ARIZY-ARIZY THAT'S ALL,
FOLKS.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

FOLKS.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

UM, IT WAS VERY MUCH FUN TO BE
BACK.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

BACK.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]