Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Karen Black/John Prine - full transcript

AS SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW, ON
THE FIRST SHOW OF THE SEASON,
CHEVY CHASE INJURED HIMSELF

THE FIRST SHOW OF THE SEASON,
CHEVY CHASE INJURED HIMSELF
TAKING A FALL.

CHEVY CHASE INJURED HIMSELF
TAKING A FALL.
NOW, HE'S BEEN SICK FOR QUITE A

TAKING A FALL.
NOW, HE'S BEEN SICK FOR QUITE A
WHILE, BUT HE'S HERE WITH US

NOW, HE'S BEEN SICK FOR QUITE A
WHILE, BUT HE'S HERE WITH US
TONIGHT.

WHILE, BUT HE'S HERE WITH US
TONIGHT.
OF COURSE, THAT MEANS I PROBABLY

TONIGHT.
OF COURSE, THAT MEANS I PROBABLY
WON'T BE DOING "UPDATE" ANYMORE,

OF COURSE, THAT MEANS I PROBABLY
WON'T BE DOING "UPDATE" ANYMORE,
AND I DID START GETTING LETTERS.

WON'T BE DOING "UPDATE" ANYMORE,
AND I DID START GETTING LETTERS.
BUT CHEVY INSISTED ON COMING

AND I DID START GETTING LETTERS.
BUT CHEVY INSISTED ON COMING
BACK, EVEN THOUGH HIS DOCTOR

BUT CHEVY INSISTED ON COMING
BACK, EVEN THOUGH HIS DOCTOR
SAID, "NO, CHEVY, WE THINK



BACK, EVEN THOUGH HIS DOCTOR
SAID, "NO, CHEVY, WE THINK
YOU'RE CRAZY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT

SAID, "NO, CHEVY, WE THINK
YOU'RE CRAZY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT
WELL ENOUGH."

YOU'RE CRAZY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT
WELL ENOUGH."
BUT HE HAS TO COME BACK BECAUSE

WELL ENOUGH."
BUT HE HAS TO COME BACK BECAUSE
HE HAS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT

BUT HE HAS TO COME BACK BECAUSE
HE HAS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT
THAT HE WANTS TO SAY TO EACH AND

HE HAS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT
THAT HE WANTS TO SAY TO EACH AND
EVERY ONE OF YOU.

THAT HE WANTS TO SAY TO EACH AND
EVERY ONE OF YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

EVERY ONE OF YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CHEVY CHASE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CHEVY CHASE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU ALL RIGHT, CHEVY?
YEAH.
YOU COMFORTABLE?

YEAH.
YOU COMFORTABLE?
I'M OKAY.

YOU COMFORTABLE?
I'M OKAY.
OKAY, GOOD.

I'M OKAY.
OKAY, GOOD.
[LAUGHTER]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]



Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY
NIGHT."
STARRING...

WITH HER GUEST...

AND THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KAREN BLACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I'VE VERY EXCITED TO BE

THANK YOU.
WELL, I'VE VERY EXCITED TO BE
HERE TONIGHT.

WELL, I'VE VERY EXCITED TO BE
HERE TONIGHT.
AND SO IS MY SON, HUNTER.

HERE TONIGHT.
AND SO IS MY SON, HUNTER.
THIS IS HUNTER.

AND SO IS MY SON, HUNTER.
THIS IS HUNTER.
ACTUALLY, WE BOTH SLEPT ALL DAY

THIS IS HUNTER.
ACTUALLY, WE BOTH SLEPT ALL DAY
SO WE COULD BE UP FOR THE SHOW

ACTUALLY, WE BOTH SLEPT ALL DAY
SO WE COULD BE UP FOR THE SHOW
TONIGHT.

SO WE COULD BE UP FOR THE SHOW
TONIGHT.
NO, HE ACTUALLY IS ALWAYS UP

TONIGHT.
NO, HE ACTUALLY IS ALWAYS UP
THIS LATE.

NO, HE ACTUALLY IS ALWAYS UP
THIS LATE.
AND HE SMOKES CIGARS, TOO.

THIS LATE.
AND HE SMOKES CIGARS, TOO.
[LAUGHTER]

AND HE SMOKES CIGARS, TOO.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, I TAKE MOTHERHOOD VERY

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, I TAKE MOTHERHOOD VERY
SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW, I TAKE MOTHERHOOD VERY
SERIOUSLY.
WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, I READ

SERIOUSLY.
WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, I READ
EVERYTHING YOU COULD READ ABOUT

WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, I READ
EVERYTHING YOU COULD READ ABOUT
BABIES AND MOTHERHOOD.

EVERYTHING YOU COULD READ ABOUT
BABIES AND MOTHERHOOD.
I READ EVERY PAPER AND ARTICLE.

BABIES AND MOTHERHOOD.
I READ EVERY PAPER AND ARTICLE.
SO NOW I KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT

I READ EVERY PAPER AND ARTICLE.
SO NOW I KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT
MOTHERHOOD AND ABOUT MOTHERS.

SO NOW I KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT
MOTHERHOOD AND ABOUT MOTHERS.
FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW WHAT

MOTHERHOOD AND ABOUT MOTHERS.
FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW WHAT
THE VERY FIRST MOTHERS WERE

FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW WHAT
THE VERY FIRST MOTHERS WERE
LIKE?

THE VERY FIRST MOTHERS WERE
LIKE?
WELL, THE FIRST MOTHERS WERE

LIKE?
WELL, THE FIRST MOTHERS WERE
PRIMITIVE BY OUR STANDARDS.

WELL, THE FIRST MOTHERS WERE
PRIMITIVE BY OUR STANDARDS.
THEY WERE OFTEN MADE FROM

PRIMITIVE BY OUR STANDARDS.
THEY WERE OFTEN MADE FROM
NOTHING MORE THAN BITS OF BARK

THEY WERE OFTEN MADE FROM
NOTHING MORE THAN BITS OF BARK
AND CLOTH.

NOTHING MORE THAN BITS OF BARK
AND CLOTH.
YES.

AND CLOTH.
YES.
THEY WERE CRUDE MOTHERS...

YES.
THEY WERE CRUDE MOTHERS...
BUT THEY WORKED.

THEY WERE CRUDE MOTHERS...
BUT THEY WORKED.
AND YET AS EARLY AS 550 B.C.,

BUT THEY WORKED.
AND YET AS EARLY AS 550 B.C.,
MAN HAD PROGRESSED TO THE

AND YET AS EARLY AS 550 B.C.,
MAN HAD PROGRESSED TO THE
HORSE-DRAWN MOTHER...

MAN HAD PROGRESSED TO THE
HORSE-DRAWN MOTHER...
[LAUGHTER]

HORSE-DRAWN MOTHER...
[LAUGHTER]
AS SHOWN HERE IN THIS

[LAUGHTER]
AS SHOWN HERE IN THIS
ARTIST'S CONCEPTION OF AN EARLY

AS SHOWN HERE IN THIS
ARTIST'S CONCEPTION OF AN EARLY
GREEK FRESCO.

ARTIST'S CONCEPTION OF AN EARLY
GREEK FRESCO.
THE DARK AGES SAW FEW

GREEK FRESCO.
THE DARK AGES SAW FEW
IMPROVEMENTS IN THE MOTHER.

THE DARK AGES SAW FEW
IMPROVEMENTS IN THE MOTHER.
AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE

IMPROVEMENTS IN THE MOTHER.
AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE
RENAISSANCE THAT THE REAL

AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE
RENAISSANCE THAT THE REAL
ADVANCES WERE MADE...

RENAISSANCE THAT THE REAL
ADVANCES WERE MADE...
BEGINNING WITH THE, UH...

ADVANCES WERE MADE...
BEGINNING WITH THE, UH...
JUST A MINUTE, DARLING.

BEGINNING WITH THE, UH...
JUST A MINUTE, DARLING.
BEGINNING WITH THE

JUST A MINUTE, DARLING.
BEGINNING WITH THE
MOVABLE-TYPE MOTHER.

BEGINNING WITH THE
MOVABLE-TYPE MOTHER.
AND SUDDENLY MOTHERS WERE

MOVABLE-TYPE MOTHER.
AND SUDDENLY MOTHERS WERE
AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE... THE

AND SUDDENLY MOTHERS WERE
AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE... THE
COMMON MAN, NOT JUST THE

AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE... THE
COMMON MAN, NOT JUST THE
PRIVILEGED FEW RICH ENOUGH TO

COMMON MAN, NOT JUST THE
PRIVILEGED FEW RICH ENOUGH TO
AFFORD ONE.

PRIVILEGED FEW RICH ENOUGH TO
AFFORD ONE.
[LAUGHTER]

AFFORD ONE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
WITH THE INDUSTRIAL AGE CAME THE

THANK YOU.
WITH THE INDUSTRIAL AGE CAME THE
STEAM-OPERATED MOTHER.

WITH THE INDUSTRIAL AGE CAME THE
STEAM-OPERATED MOTHER.
MORE DURABLE, SHE WAS MORE

STEAM-OPERATED MOTHER.
MORE DURABLE, SHE WAS MORE
EFFICIENT AND EASIER TO KEEP

MORE DURABLE, SHE WAS MORE
EFFICIENT AND EASIER TO KEEP
CLEAN.

EFFICIENT AND EASIER TO KEEP
CLEAN.
MINOR IMPROVEMENTS CONTINUED TO

CLEAN.
MINOR IMPROVEMENTS CONTINUED TO
BE MADE, AND MOTHERS BECAME MORE

MINOR IMPROVEMENTS CONTINUED TO
BE MADE, AND MOTHERS BECAME MORE
LIFELIKE WITH EACH PASSING YEAR.

BE MADE, AND MOTHERS BECAME MORE
LIFELIKE WITH EACH PASSING YEAR.
BUT IT TOOK THOMAS ALVA EDISON

LIFELIKE WITH EACH PASSING YEAR.
BUT IT TOOK THOMAS ALVA EDISON
TO PUT A TWINKLE IN HER EYE WITH

BUT IT TOOK THOMAS ALVA EDISON
TO PUT A TWINKLE IN HER EYE WITH
THE INCANDESCENT MOTHER.

TO PUT A TWINKLE IN HER EYE WITH
THE INCANDESCENT MOTHER.
NOW YOU COULD READ BY MOTHERS

THE INCANDESCENT MOTHER.
NOW YOU COULD READ BY MOTHERS
AND SEE THEM MORE EASILY AT

NOW YOU COULD READ BY MOTHERS
AND SEE THEM MORE EASILY AT
NIGHT.

AND SEE THEM MORE EASILY AT
NIGHT.
BUT THEY DID ATTRACT MOTHS.

NIGHT.
BUT THEY DID ATTRACT MOTHS.
INVENTION FOLLOWED INVENTION,

BUT THEY DID ATTRACT MOTHS.
INVENTION FOLLOWED INVENTION,
SOMETIMES WITH DISASTROUS

INVENTION FOLLOWED INVENTION,
SOMETIMES WITH DISASTROUS
RESULTS.

SOMETIMES WITH DISASTROUS
RESULTS.
SOME OF YOU IN THIS AUDIENCE MAY

RESULTS.
SOME OF YOU IN THIS AUDIENCE MAY
HAVE HAD SOME OF THOSE EARLY

SOME OF YOU IN THIS AUDIENCE MAY
HAVE HAD SOME OF THOSE EARLY
AWFUL CELLULOID MOTHERS, LATER

HAVE HAD SOME OF THOSE EARLY
AWFUL CELLULOID MOTHERS, LATER
RECALLED BECAUSE OF THEIR

AWFUL CELLULOID MOTHERS, LATER
RECALLED BECAUSE OF THEIR
TENDENCY TO BURST INTO FLAMES.

RECALLED BECAUSE OF THEIR
TENDENCY TO BURST INTO FLAMES.
[LAUGHTER]

TENDENCY TO BURST INTO FLAMES.
[LAUGHTER]
I MYSELF WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH

[LAUGHTER]
I MYSELF WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH
TO HAVE ONE OF THE GAS-TURBINE

I MYSELF WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH
TO HAVE ONE OF THE GAS-TURBINE
MOTHERS OF THE 1950s, NOW

TO HAVE ONE OF THE GAS-TURBINE
MOTHERS OF THE 1950s, NOW
CONSIDERED CUMBERSOME AND

MOTHERS OF THE 1950s, NOW
CONSIDERED CUMBERSOME AND
OLD-FASHIONED NEXT TO TODAY'S

CONSIDERED CUMBERSOME AND
OLD-FASHIONED NEXT TO TODAY'S
100% SOLID-STATE,

OLD-FASHIONED NEXT TO TODAY'S
100% SOLID-STATE,
ALL-TRANSISTORIZED MOTHERS WITH

100% SOLID-STATE,
ALL-TRANSISTORIZED MOTHERS WITH
DEEP-SHAG PILE.

ALL-TRANSISTORIZED MOTHERS WITH
DEEP-SHAG PILE.
AS FOR THE MOTHERS OF THE

DEEP-SHAG PILE.
AS FOR THE MOTHERS OF THE
FUTURE, WELL, I HAVE A DREAM.

AS FOR THE MOTHERS OF THE
FUTURE, WELL, I HAVE A DREAM.
I DREAM THAT ONE DAY MY CHILD,

FUTURE, WELL, I HAVE A DREAM.
I DREAM THAT ONE DAY MY CHILD,
HUNTER, WILL LIVE TO SEE MOTHERS

I DREAM THAT ONE DAY MY CHILD,
HUNTER, WILL LIVE TO SEE MOTHERS
DOCKED IN SPACE.

HUNTER, WILL LIVE TO SEE MOTHERS
DOCKED IN SPACE.
[STRAUSS' "ALSO SPRACH

DOCKED IN SPACE.
[STRAUSS' "ALSO SPRACH
ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS

[STRAUSS' "ALSO SPRACH
ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS
[LAUGHTER]

ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS
[LAUGHTER]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[LAUGHTER]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO, I'M BABA WAWA.
AND WELCOME TO "BABA WAWA AT
LARGE."

AND WELCOME TO "BABA WAWA AT
LARGE."
WE'RE REALLY VERY, VERY LUCKY TO

LARGE."
WE'RE REALLY VERY, VERY LUCKY TO
HAVE AS OUR GUEST TODAY THE

WE'RE REALLY VERY, VERY LUCKY TO
HAVE AS OUR GUEST TODAY THE
CONTROVERSIAL PRIME MINISTER OF

HAVE AS OUR GUEST TODAY THE
CONTROVERSIAL PRIME MINISTER OF
POLITICALLY TROUBLED INDIA,

CONTROVERSIAL PRIME MINISTER OF
POLITICALLY TROUBLED INDIA,
MRS. INDIRA GANDHI.

POLITICALLY TROUBLED INDIA,
MRS. INDIRA GANDHI.
MRS. GANDHI, 18 MONTHS AGO, YOU

MRS. INDIRA GANDHI.
MRS. GANDHI, 18 MONTHS AGO, YOU
DECLARED AN UNPRECEDENTED STATE

MRS. GANDHI, 18 MONTHS AGO, YOU
DECLARED AN UNPRECEDENTED STATE
OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY.

DECLARED AN UNPRECEDENTED STATE
OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTION

OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTION
I KNOW THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS

LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTION
I KNOW THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS
DYING TO ASK... WHERE DID YOU

I KNOW THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS
DYING TO ASK... WHERE DID YOU
GET THOSE LOVELY CLOTHES?

DYING TO ASK... WHERE DID YOU
GET THOSE LOVELY CLOTHES?
I GOT THEM FROM A VERY SWEET

GET THOSE LOVELY CLOTHES?
I GOT THEM FROM A VERY SWEET
LITTLE OLD LADY.

I GOT THEM FROM A VERY SWEET
LITTLE OLD LADY.
WHO LIVES IN A SHOE?

LITTLE OLD LADY.
WHO LIVES IN A SHOE?
NO, NO, NO.

WHO LIVES IN A SHOE?
NO, NO, NO.
IN A DETENTION CAMP NEAR BOMBAY.

NO, NO, NO.
IN A DETENTION CAMP NEAR BOMBAY.
SHE WAS OVERCHARGING ME, AND IN

IN A DETENTION CAMP NEAR BOMBAY.
SHE WAS OVERCHARGING ME, AND IN
OUR REVISED CONSTITUTION, THIS

SHE WAS OVERCHARGING ME, AND IN
OUR REVISED CONSTITUTION, THIS
MEANS THE DEATH PENALTY.

OUR REVISED CONSTITUTION, THIS
MEANS THE DEATH PENALTY.
THE DEATH PENALTY?

MEANS THE DEATH PENALTY.
THE DEATH PENALTY?
OH, OF COURSE.

THE DEATH PENALTY?
OH, OF COURSE.
BUT SINCE SHE WAS SO VERY, VERY

OH, OF COURSE.
BUT SINCE SHE WAS SO VERY, VERY
OLD, IT WAS COMMUTED TO A LIFE

BUT SINCE SHE WAS SO VERY, VERY
OLD, IT WAS COMMUTED TO A LIFE
OF HARD LABOR.

OLD, IT WAS COMMUTED TO A LIFE
OF HARD LABOR.
A VERY, VERY TOUCHING

OF HARD LABOR.
A VERY, VERY TOUCHING
PERSONAL REVELATION...

A VERY, VERY TOUCHING
PERSONAL REVELATION...
THE KIND I, BABA WAWA, ARE SO

PERSONAL REVELATION...
THE KIND I, BABA WAWA, ARE SO
JUSTLY FAMOUS FOR ELICITING FROM

THE KIND I, BABA WAWA, ARE SO
JUSTLY FAMOUS FOR ELICITING FROM
THE GREAT AND NEAR-GREAT.

JUSTLY FAMOUS FOR ELICITING FROM
THE GREAT AND NEAR-GREAT.
BUT, INDIRA, LET'S BE FRANK.

THE GREAT AND NEAR-GREAT.
BUT, INDIRA, LET'S BE FRANK.
IS INDIA TODAY DEMOCRATIC?

BUT, INDIRA, LET'S BE FRANK.
IS INDIA TODAY DEMOCRATIC?
I CAN SAY THIS, DEAR

IS INDIA TODAY DEMOCRATIC?
I CAN SAY THIS, DEAR
MS. WAWA.

I CAN SAY THIS, DEAR
MS. WAWA.
ONLY IN THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I

MS. WAWA.
ONLY IN THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I
HAVE HEARD NOT ONE SINGLE

ONLY IN THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I
HAVE HEARD NOT ONE SINGLE
WHIMPER OF COMPLAINT.

HAVE HEARD NOT ONE SINGLE
WHIMPER OF COMPLAINT.
NOT A SINGLE WHIMPER?

WHIMPER OF COMPLAINT.
NOT A SINGLE WHIMPER?
OH, MAYBE ONE OR TWO FEEBLE

NOT A SINGLE WHIMPER?
OH, MAYBE ONE OR TWO FEEBLE
LITTLE PEEPS BUT NO COMPLAINTS.

OH, MAYBE ONE OR TWO FEEBLE
LITTLE PEEPS BUT NO COMPLAINTS.
BUT SURELY, INDIRA, YOU ARE

LITTLE PEEPS BUT NO COMPLAINTS.
BUT SURELY, INDIRA, YOU ARE
AWARE THAT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

BUT SURELY, INDIRA, YOU ARE
AWARE THAT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN THROWN IN PRISON

AWARE THAT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN THROWN IN PRISON
SIMPLY FOR WRITING PAMPHLETS

HAVE BEEN THROWN IN PRISON
SIMPLY FOR WRITING PAMPHLETS
THAT WERE CRITICAL OF YOUR

SIMPLY FOR WRITING PAMPHLETS
THAT WERE CRITICAL OF YOUR
REGIME.

THAT WERE CRITICAL OF YOUR
REGIME.
PRISON.

REGIME.
PRISON.
"PRISON" IS A WESTERN WORD.

PRISON.
"PRISON" IS A WESTERN WORD.
SCHOOLS, MS. WAWA.

"PRISON" IS A WESTERN WORD.
SCHOOLS, MS. WAWA.
WE CALL THEM SCHOOLS.

SCHOOLS, MS. WAWA.
WE CALL THEM SCHOOLS.
THESE PAMPHLETS... THEY ARE SO

WE CALL THEM SCHOOLS.
THESE PAMPHLETS... THEY ARE SO
ILLITERATE.

THESE PAMPHLETS... THEY ARE SO
ILLITERATE.
WE SEND THE AUTHORS TO WRITING

ILLITERATE.
WE SEND THE AUTHORS TO WRITING
SCHOOL.

WE SEND THE AUTHORS TO WRITING
SCHOOL.
THAT IS ALL.

SCHOOL.
THAT IS ALL.
THEY TAKE A WRITING COURSE.

THAT IS ALL.
THEY TAKE A WRITING COURSE.
REALLY?

THEY TAKE A WRITING COURSE.
REALLY?
REMEDIAL READING AND WRITING FOR

REALLY?
REMEDIAL READING AND WRITING FOR
CRITICAL ILLITERATES?

REMEDIAL READING AND WRITING FOR
CRITICAL ILLITERATES?
IT SEEMS SO RUTHLESS AND

CRITICAL ILLITERATES?
IT SEEMS SO RUTHLESS AND
IRRATIONAL.

IT SEEMS SO RUTHLESS AND
IRRATIONAL.
I MEAN, HOW LONG DO THESE

IRRATIONAL.
I MEAN, HOW LONG DO THESE
COURSES TAKE?

I MEAN, HOW LONG DO THESE
COURSES TAKE?
99 YEARS TO LIFE.

COURSES TAKE?
99 YEARS TO LIFE.
BUT WHAT OF THE SO-CALLED

99 YEARS TO LIFE.
BUT WHAT OF THE SO-CALLED
OVERCROWDING IN THESE SCHOOLS?

BUT WHAT OF THE SO-CALLED
OVERCROWDING IN THESE SCHOOLS?
OVERCROWDING?

OVERCROWDING IN THESE SCHOOLS?
OVERCROWDING?
MY DEAR MS. WAWA, DO YOU NOT

OVERCROWDING?
MY DEAR MS. WAWA, DO YOU NOT
READ NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC

MY DEAR MS. WAWA, DO YOU NOT
READ NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
MAGAZINE?

READ NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
MAGAZINE?
ALL OF INDIA IS OVERCROWDED.

MAGAZINE?
ALL OF INDIA IS OVERCROWDED.
IT'S VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY,

ALL OF INDIA IS OVERCROWDED.
IT'S VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY,
VERY CROWDED.

IT'S VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY,
VERY CROWDED.
BUT, INDIRA, IS ALL THIS BAD

VERY CROWDED.
BUT, INDIRA, IS ALL THIS BAD
PUBLICITY THE RESULT OF

BUT, INDIRA, IS ALL THIS BAD
PUBLICITY THE RESULT OF
DISTORTIONS IN THE PRESS?

PUBLICITY THE RESULT OF
DISTORTIONS IN THE PRESS?
YOU MUST JUDGE FOR YOURSELF.

DISTORTIONS IN THE PRESS?
YOU MUST JUDGE FOR YOURSELF.
RECENTLY ONE OF MY FORMER

YOU MUST JUDGE FOR YOURSELF.
RECENTLY ONE OF MY FORMER
MINISTERS PULLED OUT ALL OF HIS

RECENTLY ONE OF MY FORMER
MINISTERS PULLED OUT ALL OF HIS
OWN FINGERNAILS IN A TERRIBLE,

MINISTERS PULLED OUT ALL OF HIS
OWN FINGERNAILS IN A TERRIBLE,
NASTY BATHROOM ACCIDENT.

OWN FINGERNAILS IN A TERRIBLE,
NASTY BATHROOM ACCIDENT.
THE PRESS... THEY MADE CERTAIN

NASTY BATHROOM ACCIDENT.
THE PRESS... THEY MADE CERTAIN
RIDICULOUS CHARGES OF TORTURE.

THE PRESS... THEY MADE CERTAIN
RIDICULOUS CHARGES OF TORTURE.
IT WAS VERY BAD BUSINESS.

RIDICULOUS CHARGES OF TORTURE.
IT WAS VERY BAD BUSINESS.
YES, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU

IT WAS VERY BAD BUSINESS.
YES, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU
MEAN.

YES, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU
MEAN.
WHY, JUST LAST WEEK, PEOPLE

MEAN.
WHY, JUST LAST WEEK, PEOPLE
MAGAZINE PRINTED AN ARTICLE THAT

WHY, JUST LAST WEEK, PEOPLE
MAGAZINE PRINTED AN ARTICLE THAT
SAID I WENT TO A PARTY WEARING A

MAGAZINE PRINTED AN ARTICLE THAT
SAID I WENT TO A PARTY WEARING A
BLUE SAINT LAURENT WHEN ACTUALLY

SAID I WENT TO A PARTY WEARING A
BLUE SAINT LAURENT WHEN ACTUALLY
IT WAS A PINK SCHIAPARELLI.

BLUE SAINT LAURENT WHEN ACTUALLY
IT WAS A PINK SCHIAPARELLI.
WE WOMEN IN PUBLIC LIFE

IT WAS A PINK SCHIAPARELLI.
WE WOMEN IN PUBLIC LIFE
SUFFER SO.

WE WOMEN IN PUBLIC LIFE
SUFFER SO.
LET'S SUMMARIZE, INDIRA.

SUFFER SO.
LET'S SUMMARIZE, INDIRA.
YOU SAY INDIA IS A DEMOCRACY,

LET'S SUMMARIZE, INDIRA.
YOU SAY INDIA IS A DEMOCRACY,
THAT THERE IS NO RESTRICTION ON

YOU SAY INDIA IS A DEMOCRACY,
THAT THERE IS NO RESTRICTION ON
CIVIL RIGHTS.

THAT THERE IS NO RESTRICTION ON
CIVIL RIGHTS.
WE, IN AMERICA, ARE JUST ABOUT

CIVIL RIGHTS.
WE, IN AMERICA, ARE JUST ABOUT
TO HOLD NATIONAL FREE ELECTIONS.

WE, IN AMERICA, ARE JUST ABOUT
TO HOLD NATIONAL FREE ELECTIONS.
ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD FREE

TO HOLD NATIONAL FREE ELECTIONS.
ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD FREE
ELECTIONS IN INDIA?

ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD FREE
ELECTIONS IN INDIA?
MS. WAWA, ELECTIONS IN INDIA

ELECTIONS IN INDIA?
MS. WAWA, ELECTIONS IN INDIA
ARE FREE NOW.

MS. WAWA, ELECTIONS IN INDIA
ARE FREE NOW.
NOT ONE RUPEE DOES THE DEAR

ARE FREE NOW.
NOT ONE RUPEE DOES THE DEAR
VOTER PAY, NOT ONE SINGLE RUPEE,

NOT ONE RUPEE DOES THE DEAR
VOTER PAY, NOT ONE SINGLE RUPEE,
NOT ONE.

VOTER PAY, NOT ONE SINGLE RUPEE,
NOT ONE.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREE.

NOT ONE.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREE.
WELL, OUR TIME'S UP.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREE.
WELL, OUR TIME'S UP.
I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

WELL, OUR TIME'S UP.
I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MRS. INDIRA GANDHI, FOR BEING

I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MRS. INDIRA GANDHI, FOR BEING
OUR SPECIAL GUEST.

MRS. INDIRA GANDHI, FOR BEING
OUR SPECIAL GUEST.
AND, INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN

OUR SPECIAL GUEST.
AND, INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO TELL YOU, DO YOU KNOW

AND, INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO TELL YOU, DO YOU KNOW
YOU HAVE A PIMENTO RIGHT THERE

MEANING TO TELL YOU, DO YOU KNOW
YOU HAVE A PIMENTO RIGHT THERE
ON YOUR FOREHEAD?

YOU HAVE A PIMENTO RIGHT THERE
ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
DON'T TOUCH ME!

ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
DON'T TOUCH ME!
I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

DON'T TOUCH ME!
I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY.
WELL, THANK YOU, MRS. GANDHI

I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY.
WELL, THANK YOU, MRS. GANDHI
AND INDIA.

WELL, THANK YOU, MRS. GANDHI
AND INDIA.
THIS IS BABA WAWA SAYING GOOD

AND INDIA.
THIS IS BABA WAWA SAYING GOOD
NIGHT.

Announcer: AND NOW THE THREE
TELEVISION NETWORKS JOIN WITH
THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS TO

TELEVISION NETWORKS JOIN WITH
THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS TO
BRING YOU "DEBATE '76."

THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS TO
BRING YOU "DEBATE '76."
GOOD EVENING.

BRING YOU "DEBATE '76."
GOOD EVENING.
I'M ANN WRABEL, YOUR MODERATOR

GOOD EVENING.
I'M ANN WRABEL, YOUR MODERATOR
FOR THIS THIRD TELEVISED DEBATE

I'M ANN WRABEL, YOUR MODERATOR
FOR THIS THIRD TELEVISED DEBATE
BETWEEN PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD

FOR THIS THIRD TELEVISED DEBATE
BETWEEN PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD
AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR

BETWEEN PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD
AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR
PRESIDENT, FORMER GEORGIA

AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR
PRESIDENT, FORMER GEORGIA
GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER.

PRESIDENT, FORMER GEORGIA
GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER.
NOW I WILL INTRODUCE THE THREE

GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER.
NOW I WILL INTRODUCE THE THREE
JOURNALISTS WHO WILL BE ASKING

NOW I WILL INTRODUCE THE THREE
JOURNALISTS WHO WILL BE ASKING
THE QUESTIONS TONIGHT.

EARL ROWLAND OF THE CHICAGO

TRIBUNE, AUTHOR OF "MINORITIES

IN POLITICS."

LIZ MONTGOMERY OF THE NEW YORK

POST, AUTHOR OF "WOMEN IN

POLITICS."

AND MARILYN KRAUS OF THE ROLLING

STONE MAGAZINE...

AUTHOR OF "TRANSSEXUALS IN

POLITICS."

BECAUSE THIS IS THE LAST OF
THESE HISTORIC DEBATES, WE WILL
BEGIN WITH OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

THESE HISTORIC DEBATES, WE WILL
BEGIN WITH OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.
["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"

BEGIN WITH OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.
["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"
PLAYS]

["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"
PLAYS]
[BUZZER]

[PLAYS]
[BUZZER]
I CAN NAME THAT TUNE IN FOUR

[BUZZER]
I CAN NAME THAT TUNE IN FOUR
NOTES.

I CAN NAME THAT TUNE IN FOUR
NOTES.
NO, NO.

NOTES.
NO, NO.
"THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER."

NO, NO.
"THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER."
NO, MR. PRESIDENT.

"THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER."
NO, MR. PRESIDENT.
NO?

NO, MR. PRESIDENT.
NO?
"THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE

NO?
"THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE
REPUBLIC"?

"THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE
REPUBLIC"?
HOW ABOUT "I GOTTA BE ME"?

REPUBLIC"?
HOW ABOUT "I GOTTA BE ME"?
NO, "I'VE GOTTA BE ME"

HOW ABOUT "I GOTTA BE ME"?
NO, "I'VE GOTTA BE ME"
GOES...

NO, "I'VE GOTTA BE ME"
GOES...
♪ I GOTTA BE... ♪

GOES...
♪ I GOTTA BE... ♪
♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT... ♪

♪ I GOTTA BE... ♪
♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT... ♪
LET'S JUST FORGET THE

♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT... ♪
LET'S JUST FORGET THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM AND MOVE RIGHT

LET'S JUST FORGET THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM AND MOVE RIGHT
INTO THE BODY OF OUR DEBATE.

NATIONAL ANTHEM AND MOVE RIGHT
INTO THE BODY OF OUR DEBATE.
MR. ROWLAND, A QUESTION FOR

INTO THE BODY OF OUR DEBATE.
MR. ROWLAND, A QUESTION FOR
GOVERNOR CARTER.

MR. ROWLAND, A QUESTION FOR
GOVERNOR CARTER.
GOVERNOR CARTER, SINCE AFTER

GOVERNOR CARTER.
GOVERNOR CARTER, SINCE AFTER
THE LAST DEBATE, YOU HAVE BEEN

GOVERNOR CARTER, SINCE AFTER
THE LAST DEBATE, YOU HAVE BEEN
CRITICIZED FOR ANSWERING THE

THE LAST DEBATE, YOU HAVE BEEN
CRITICIZED FOR ANSWERING THE
QUESTION DIRECTLY.

CRITICIZED FOR ANSWERING THE
QUESTION DIRECTLY.
NOW, KEEPING THIS IN MIND, WHY

QUESTION DIRECTLY.
NOW, KEEPING THIS IN MIND, WHY
DO YOU OPPOSE THE B-1 BOMBER?

NOW, KEEPING THIS IN MIND, WHY
DO YOU OPPOSE THE B-1 BOMBER?
MR. ROWLAND, THAT'S A VERY

DO YOU OPPOSE THE B-1 BOMBER?
MR. ROWLAND, THAT'S A VERY
COMPLICATED ISSUE, AND I'D LIKE

MR. ROWLAND, THAT'S A VERY
COMPLICATED ISSUE, AND I'D LIKE
TO BREAK THAT QUESTION DOWN INTO

COMPLICATED ISSUE, AND I'D LIKE
TO BREAK THAT QUESTION DOWN INTO
TWO PARTS, IF I MIGHT.

TO BREAK THAT QUESTION DOWN INTO
TWO PARTS, IF I MIGHT.
THE FIRST PART, OF COURSE, IS

TWO PARTS, IF I MIGHT.
THE FIRST PART, OF COURSE, IS
THE GENERAL QUESTION, "WHY,"

THE FIRST PART, OF COURSE, IS
THE GENERAL QUESTION, "WHY,"
THAT HAS PLAGUED PHILOSOPHERS

THE GENERAL QUESTION, "WHY,"
THAT HAS PLAGUED PHILOSOPHERS
FROM SOCRATES TO THOMAS AQUINAS

THAT HAS PLAGUED PHILOSOPHERS
FROM SOCRATES TO THOMAS AQUINAS
TO BOB DYLAN.

FROM SOCRATES TO THOMAS AQUINAS
TO BOB DYLAN.
NOW, I COULD NOT BEGIN TO ANSWER

TO BOB DYLAN.
NOW, I COULD NOT BEGIN TO ANSWER
THAT QUESTION IN THE ALLOTTED

NOW, I COULD NOT BEGIN TO ANSWER
THAT QUESTION IN THE ALLOTTED
TIME HERE.

THAT QUESTION IN THE ALLOTTED
TIME HERE.
OF COURSE, THE SECOND PART OF

TIME HERE.
OF COURSE, THE SECOND PART OF
THE QUESTION IS, DO I OPPOSE THE

OF COURSE, THE SECOND PART OF
THE QUESTION IS, DO I OPPOSE THE
B-1 BOMBER?

THE QUESTION IS, DO I OPPOSE THE
B-1 BOMBER?
YES.

B-1 BOMBER?
YES.
[BUZZER]

YES.
[BUZZER]
MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION

[BUZZER]
MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION
FOR GOVERNOR FORD... OH, I'M

MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION
FOR GOVERNOR FORD... OH, I'M
SORRY... PRESIDENT FORD.

FOR GOVERNOR FORD... OH, I'M
SORRY... PRESIDENT FORD.
MR. PRESIDENT, THIS WEEK YOU

SORRY... PRESIDENT FORD.
MR. PRESIDENT, THIS WEEK YOU
ADMITTED MAKING A MISTAKE IN THE

MR. PRESIDENT, THIS WEEK YOU
ADMITTED MAKING A MISTAKE IN THE
LAST DEBATE WHEN YOU ASSERTED

ADMITTED MAKING A MISTAKE IN THE
LAST DEBATE WHEN YOU ASSERTED
THAT EASTERN EUROPEANS ARE

LAST DEBATE WHEN YOU ASSERTED
THAT EASTERN EUROPEANS ARE
AUTONOMOUS AND INDEPENDENT AND

THAT EASTERN EUROPEANS ARE
AUTONOMOUS AND INDEPENDENT AND
THAT THEY DON'T CONSIDER

AUTONOMOUS AND INDEPENDENT AND
THAT THEY DON'T CONSIDER
THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE

THAT THEY DON'T CONSIDER
THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE
SOVIET UNION.

THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE
SOVIET UNION.
CERTAINLY ANYONE CAN CRACK UNDER

SOVIET UNION.
CERTAINLY ANYONE CAN CRACK UNDER
THE PRESSURE OF THESE DEBATES

CERTAINLY ANYONE CAN CRACK UNDER
THE PRESSURE OF THESE DEBATES
AND SAY SOMETHING INCREDIBLY

THE PRESSURE OF THESE DEBATES
AND SAY SOMETHING INCREDIBLY
DUMB, BUT TO SET THE RECORD

AND SAY SOMETHING INCREDIBLY
DUMB, BUT TO SET THE RECORD
STRAIGHT, COULD YOU DESCRIBE

DUMB, BUT TO SET THE RECORD
STRAIGHT, COULD YOU DESCRIBE
WHAT YOU SAW ON YOUR LAST VISIT

STRAIGHT, COULD YOU DESCRIBE
WHAT YOU SAW ON YOUR LAST VISIT
TO POLAND?

WHAT YOU SAW ON YOUR LAST VISIT
TO POLAND?
MS. MIDVOWER... MONTGOMERY...

TO POLAND?
MS. MIDVOWER... MONTGOMERY...
GOMERY, LAST YEAR I VISITED THE

MS. MIDVOWER... MONTGOMERY...
GOMERY, LAST YEAR I VISITED THE
CAPITAL OF POLAND.

GOMERY, LAST YEAR I VISITED THE
CAPITAL OF POLAND.
AND LET ME JUST SAY FROM THE

CAPITAL OF POLAND.
AND LET ME JUST SAY FROM THE
OUTSET THAT MILWAUKEE IS A

AND LET ME JUST SAY FROM THE
OUTSET THAT MILWAUKEE IS A
BEAUTIFUL CITY, MY DEAR.

OUTSET THAT MILWAUKEE IS A
BEAUTIFUL CITY, MY DEAR.
I SENSE THEIR VERY INDEPENDENT

BEAUTIFUL CITY, MY DEAR.
I SENSE THEIR VERY INDEPENDENT
AND AUTONOMOUS SPIRIT, MUCH LIKE

I SENSE THEIR VERY INDEPENDENT
AND AUTONOMOUS SPIRIT, MUCH LIKE
THE VOTERS OF OUR OWN

AND AUTONOMOUS SPIRIT, MUCH LIKE
THE VOTERS OF OUR OWN
NORTHWESTERN AND NORTHEASTERN

THE VOTERS OF OUR OWN
NORTHWESTERN AND NORTHEASTERN
URBAN CENTERS.

NORTHWESTERN AND NORTHEASTERN
URBAN CENTERS.
BUT BECAUSE OF SOVIET

URBAN CENTERS.
BUT BECAUSE OF SOVIET
DOMINATION, THE POLLS DON'T SEEM

BUT BECAUSE OF SOVIET
DOMINATION, THE POLLS DON'T SEEM
TO HAVE THE EQUIPMENT, UH, TAKE

DOMINATION, THE POLLS DON'T SEEM
TO HAVE THE EQUIPMENT, UH, TAKE
FOR GRANTED... THAT WE TAKE FOR

TO HAVE THE EQUIPMENT, UH, TAKE
FOR GRANTED... THAT WE TAKE FOR
GRANTED HERE IN THE GREAT

FOR GRANTED... THAT WE TAKE FOR
GRANTED HERE IN THE GREAT
UNITED STATES.

GRANTED HERE IN THE GREAT
UNITED STATES.
EXCUSE ME.

UNITED STATES.
EXCUSE ME.
I'LL NEVER FORGET... I WAS IN MY

EXCUSE ME.
I'LL NEVER FORGET... I WAS IN MY
HOTEL ROOM THERE IN MILWAUKEE.

I'LL NEVER FORGET... I WAS IN MY
HOTEL ROOM THERE IN MILWAUKEE.
MY LIGHT BULB FAILED ME.

HOTEL ROOM THERE IN MILWAUKEE.
MY LIGHT BULB FAILED ME.
WELL, I GOT UP ON THE DESK, AND,

MY LIGHT BULB FAILED ME.
WELL, I GOT UP ON THE DESK, AND,
OF COURSE, I HAD TO CALL IN A

WELL, I GOT UP ON THE DESK, AND,
OF COURSE, I HAD TO CALL IN A
FEW SECRET SERVICE MEN TO COME

OF COURSE, I HAD TO CALL IN A
FEW SECRET SERVICE MEN TO COME
IN AND SPIN THAT DESK AROUND

FEW SECRET SERVICE MEN TO COME
IN AND SPIN THAT DESK AROUND
WHILE I PUT THE BULB IN.

IN AND SPIN THAT DESK AROUND
WHILE I PUT THE BULB IN.
[BUZZER]

WHILE I PUT THE BULB IN.
[BUZZER]
EXCUSE ME.

[BUZZER]
EXCUSE ME.
MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR

EXCUSE ME.
MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR
GOVERNOR CARTER.

MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR
GOVERNOR CARTER.
UH, YES.

GOVERNOR CARTER.
UH, YES.
[CLEARS THROAT]

UH, YES.
[CLEARS THROAT]
EXCUSE ME.

[CLEARS THROAT]
EXCUSE ME.
[SNIFFS]

EXCUSE ME.
[SNIFFS]
UH...

[SNIFFS]
UH...
MR. CARTER, YOU'VE BEEN

UH...
MR. CARTER, YOU'VE BEEN
CRITICIZED BY PRESIDENT FORD FOR

MR. CARTER, YOU'VE BEEN
CRITICIZED BY PRESIDENT FORD FOR
MAKING UNFAIRLY BITTER PERSONAL

CRITICIZED BY PRESIDENT FORD FOR
MAKING UNFAIRLY BITTER PERSONAL
ATTACKS ON HIM.

MAKING UNFAIRLY BITTER PERSONAL
ATTACKS ON HIM.
NOW, HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS

ATTACKS ON HIM.
NOW, HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS
CHARGE, SIR?

NOW, HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS
CHARGE, SIR?
BITTER?

CHARGE, SIR?
BITTER?
UM...

BITTER?
UM...
MR. KRAUS, IN THE 1930s IN

UM...
MR. KRAUS, IN THE 1930s IN
EUROPE, A MAN CRITICIZED HIS

MR. KRAUS, IN THE 1930s IN
EUROPE, A MAN CRITICIZED HIS
POLITICAL OPPONENTS FOR THEIR

EUROPE, A MAN CRITICIZED HIS
POLITICAL OPPONENTS FOR THEIR
BITTER PERSONAL ATTACKS ON HIM.

POLITICAL OPPONENTS FOR THEIR
BITTER PERSONAL ATTACKS ON HIM.
AND THAT MAN WAS ADOLF HITLER.

BITTER PERSONAL ATTACKS ON HIM.
AND THAT MAN WAS ADOLF HITLER.
NOW, ADOLF HITLER WAS

AND THAT MAN WAS ADOLF HITLER.
NOW, ADOLF HITLER WAS
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF

NOW, ADOLF HITLER WAS
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF
OVER 50 MILLION PEOPLE DURING

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF
OVER 50 MILLION PEOPLE DURING
WORLD WAR II.

OVER 50 MILLION PEOPLE DURING
WORLD WAR II.
NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT

WORLD WAR II.
NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT
MR. FORD WOULD PURPOSELY KILL 50

NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT
MR. FORD WOULD PURPOSELY KILL 50
MILLION PEOPLE.

MR. FORD WOULD PURPOSELY KILL 50
MILLION PEOPLE.
BUT HIS LACK OF LEADERSHIP MAY

MILLION PEOPLE.
BUT HIS LACK OF LEADERSHIP MAY
LEAD TO A TOTAL FIERY, DEMONIC

BUT HIS LACK OF LEADERSHIP MAY
LEAD TO A TOTAL FIERY, DEMONIC
HOLOCAUST.

LEAD TO A TOTAL FIERY, DEMONIC
HOLOCAUST.
[BUZZER]

HOLOCAUST.
[BUZZER]
PRESIDENT FORD...

[BUZZER]
PRESIDENT FORD...
REBUTTAL?

PRESIDENT FORD...
REBUTTAL?
WELL, ONCE AGAIN, MR. CARTER

REBUTTAL?
WELL, ONCE AGAIN, MR. CARTER
IS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH

WELL, ONCE AGAIN, MR. CARTER
IS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH
HIS FIGURES DURING WORLD WAR II.

IS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH
HIS FIGURES DURING WORLD WAR II.
OF COURSE, ONLY 40 MILLION

HIS FIGURES DURING WORLD WAR II.
OF COURSE, ONLY 40 MILLION
PEOPLE WERE KILLED.

OF COURSE, ONLY 40 MILLION
PEOPLE WERE KILLED.
[BUZZER]

PEOPLE WERE KILLED.
[BUZZER]
AAAHH!

[BUZZER]
AAAHH!
AAH!

AAAHH!
AAH!
A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT.

AAH!
A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT.
YES, HOW ABOUT CHILE, WHERE

A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT.
YES, HOW ABOUT CHILE, WHERE
IN 1973 THE STATE DEPARTMENT,

YES, HOW ABOUT CHILE, WHERE
IN 1973 THE STATE DEPARTMENT,
UNDER THE DIRECTION OF

IN 1973 THE STATE DEPARTMENT,
UNDER THE DIRECTION OF
DR. KISSINGER, HELPED OVERTHROW

UNDER THE DIRECTION OF
DR. KISSINGER, HELPED OVERTHROW
THE DEMOCRATIC ALLENDE

DR. KISSINGER, HELPED OVERTHROW
THE DEMOCRATIC ALLENDE
GOVERNMENT AND REPLACED IT WITH

THE DEMOCRATIC ALLENDE
GOVERNMENT AND REPLACED IT WITH
A BRUTAL MILITARY DICTATORSHIP,

GOVERNMENT AND REPLACED IT WITH
A BRUTAL MILITARY DICTATORSHIP,
WHICH YOU NOW SUPPORT, AND WHICH

A BRUTAL MILITARY DICTATORSHIP,
WHICH YOU NOW SUPPORT, AND WHICH
TORTURES THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL

WHICH YOU NOW SUPPORT, AND WHICH
TORTURES THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL
PRISONERS?

TORTURES THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL
PRISONERS?
NOW, MR. ROWLAND, CHILES ARE

PRISONERS?
NOW, MR. ROWLAND, CHILES ARE
INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS

NOW, MR. ROWLAND, CHILES ARE
INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS
PEOPLE, AND THEY DON'T CONSIDER

INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS
PEOPLE, AND THEY DON'T CONSIDER
BEING BEATEN WITH RUBBER

PEOPLE, AND THEY DON'T CONSIDER
BEING BEATEN WITH RUBBER
TRUNCHEONS TO BE A TORTURE.

BEING BEATEN WITH RUBBER
TRUNCHEONS TO BE A TORTURE.
WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, I

TRUNCHEONS TO BE A TORTURE.
WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, I
TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH THE

WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, I
TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH THE
DICTATOR OF CHILE, AND HE

TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH THE
DICTATOR OF CHILE, AND HE
ASSURED ME THAT CHILES CERTAINLY

DICTATOR OF CHILE, AND HE
ASSURED ME THAT CHILES CERTAINLY
DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HAVING

ASSURED ME THAT CHILES CERTAINLY
DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HAVING
ELECTRODES PLACED BETWEEN YOUR

DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HAVING
ELECTRODES PLACED BETWEEN YOUR
GENITALS MEANS YOU'RE UNDER

ELECTRODES PLACED BETWEEN YOUR
GENITALS MEANS YOU'RE UNDER
DOMINATION.

GENITALS MEANS YOU'RE UNDER
DOMINATION.
CARE FOR SOME WATER, GOVERNOR?

DOMINATION.
CARE FOR SOME WATER, GOVERNOR?
I'D LIKE SOME WATER.

CARE FOR SOME WATER, GOVERNOR?
I'D LIKE SOME WATER.
CERTAINLY.

I'D LIKE SOME WATER.
CERTAINLY.
UH...

CERTAINLY.
UH...
UH...

UH...
UH...
UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT.

UH...
UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT.
UH...

UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT.
UH...
UH, MR. PRESIDENT?

UH...
UH, MR. PRESIDENT?
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK

UH, MR. PRESIDENT?
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK
GOVERNOR CARTER, IF I MAY.

I WOULD LIKE TO ASK
GOVERNOR CARTER, IF I MAY.
GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU HAVE SAID

GOVERNOR CARTER, IF I MAY.
GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU HAVE SAID
THAT THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW MAY

GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU HAVE SAID
THAT THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW MAY
HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE.

THAT THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW MAY
HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE.
DO YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING TOO

HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE.
DO YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING TOO
HONEST WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

DO YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING TOO
HONEST WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
AND DO YOU STILL LUST AFTER

HONEST WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
AND DO YOU STILL LUST AFTER
WOMEN?

AND DO YOU STILL LUST AFTER
WOMEN?
WELL, I DON'T THERE'S SUCH A

WOMEN?
WELL, I DON'T THERE'S SUCH A
THING AS BEING TOO HONEST,

WELL, I DON'T THERE'S SUCH A
THING AS BEING TOO HONEST,
MS. MONTGOMERY, AND JUST TO

THING AS BEING TOO HONEST,
MS. MONTGOMERY, AND JUST TO
PROVE IT, I'M GONNA ANSWER

MS. MONTGOMERY, AND JUST TO
PROVE IT, I'M GONNA ANSWER
HONESTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

PROVE IT, I'M GONNA ANSWER
HONESTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.
I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU'RE A VERY

HONESTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.
I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU'RE A VERY
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU'RE A VERY
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS KIND OF

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS KIND OF
SILKY AND KIND OF SOFT AND,

AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS KIND OF
SILKY AND KIND OF SOFT AND,
UH...

SILKY AND KIND OF SOFT AND,
UH...
AT THIS MOMENT, IN MY HEART, I'M

UH...
AT THIS MOMENT, IN MY HEART, I'M
WEARING A LEATHER MASK AND

AT THIS MOMENT, IN MY HEART, I'M
WEARING A LEATHER MASK AND
BREATHING IN YOUR EAR.

WEARING A LEATHER MASK AND
BREATHING IN YOUR EAR.
[BUZZER]

BREATHING IN YOUR EAR.
[BUZZER]
PRESIDENT FORD, REBUTTAL?

[BUZZER]
PRESIDENT FORD, REBUTTAL?
WELL, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW,

PRESIDENT FORD, REBUTTAL?
WELL, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW,
I HAVE LUSTED AFTER ONLY TWO

WELL, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW,
I HAVE LUSTED AFTER ONLY TWO
WOMEN IN MY LIFE.

I HAVE LUSTED AFTER ONLY TWO
WOMEN IN MY LIFE.
THEY ARE, OF COURSE, MY LOVELY

WOMEN IN MY LIFE.
THEY ARE, OF COURSE, MY LOVELY
WIFE, BETTY, AND MY LOVELY

THEY ARE, OF COURSE, MY LOVELY
WIFE, BETTY, AND MY LOVELY
MOTHER, MOM.

WIFE, BETTY, AND MY LOVELY
MOTHER, MOM.
[BUZZER]

MOTHER, MOM.
[BUZZER]
MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR

[BUZZER]
MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR
THE PRESIDENT.

MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR
THE PRESIDENT.
UH, YES.

THE PRESIDENT.
UH, YES.
MR. PRESIDENT, JUST LAST WEEK

UH, YES.
MR. PRESIDENT, JUST LAST WEEK
YOU WERE ABSOLVED OF ANY GUILT

MR. PRESIDENT, JUST LAST WEEK
YOU WERE ABSOLVED OF ANY GUILT
CONNECTED WITH YOUR

YOU WERE ABSOLVED OF ANY GUILT
CONNECTED WITH YOUR
CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS.

CONNECTED WITH YOUR
CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS.
HOWEVER, YOU DO ADMIT RECEIVING

CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS.
HOWEVER, YOU DO ADMIT RECEIVING
PAID VACATIONS FROM UNITED

HOWEVER, YOU DO ADMIT RECEIVING
PAID VACATIONS FROM UNITED
STATES STEEL LOBBYISTS.

PAID VACATIONS FROM UNITED
STATES STEEL LOBBYISTS.
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH

STATES STEEL LOBBYISTS.
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH
THESE LOBBYISTS OF THE CAPTAINS

WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH
THESE LOBBYISTS OF THE CAPTAINS
OF INDUSTRY, SIR?

THESE LOBBYISTS OF THE CAPTAINS
OF INDUSTRY, SIR?
[SNORING]

OF INDUSTRY, SIR?
[SNORING]
YES, WELL...

[SNORING]
YES, WELL...
ON THAT POINT, MR. CAKE, K,

YES, WELL...
ON THAT POINT, MR. CAKE, K,
KATHAN... KRAUS... MR. KRAUS,

ON THAT POINT, MR. CAKE, K,
KATHAN... KRAUS... MR. KRAUS,
PEOPLE AT U.S. STEEL ARE CLEARLY

KATHAN... KRAUS... MR. KRAUS,
PEOPLE AT U.S. STEEL ARE CLEARLY
AN INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS

PEOPLE AT U.S. STEEL ARE CLEARLY
AN INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS
PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK THEY

AN INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS
PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK THEY
CONSIDER THEMSELVES POLITICAL

PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK THEY
CONSIDER THEMSELVES POLITICAL
PAY-OFF PEOPLE.

UH, GENTLEMEN, I'M VERY
SORRY, BUT WE HAVE REACHED THE
END OF OUR QUESTION-AND-ANSWER

SORRY, BUT WE HAVE REACHED THE
END OF OUR QUESTION-AND-ANSWER
PERIOD.

END OF OUR QUESTION-AND-ANSWER
PERIOD.
WE JUST HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR

PERIOD.
WE JUST HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR
YOUR CONCLUDING STATEMENTS, IF

WE JUST HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR
YOUR CONCLUDING STATEMENTS, IF
YOU PLEASE.

YOUR CONCLUDING STATEMENTS, IF
YOU PLEASE.
THE PURPOSE OF THESE

YOU PLEASE.
THE PURPOSE OF THESE
DEBATES...

THE PURPOSE OF THESE
DEBATES...
AMERICA'S FUTURE IS BRIGHTER

DEBATES...
AMERICA'S FUTURE IS BRIGHTER
THAN EVER BEFORE.

AMERICA'S FUTURE IS BRIGHTER
THAN EVER BEFORE.
IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, I HAVE

THAN EVER BEFORE.
IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, I HAVE
PROVIDED LEADERSHIP NOT ONLY FOR

IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, I HAVE
PROVIDED LEADERSHIP NOT ONLY FOR
THE UNITED STATES BUT FOR THE

PROVIDED LEADERSHIP NOT ONLY FOR
THE UNITED STATES BUT FOR THE
FREE WORLD.

THE ECONOMY IS...

[BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

OUR FOREIGN POLICY...

IF I'M RE-ELECTED THESE

TRENDS WILL CONTINUE...

IF I'M ELECTED, I'M GONNA

REVITALIZE THE COUNTRY.

Announcer: CANDIDATES ARE

FLOWN ON CAPRICORN AIRLINES AND

BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT,

DISTRIBUTORS OF FINE WEAPONS FOR

OVER 30 YEARS.

AND NOW ONE OF THE BEST
SINGER-SONGWRITERS OF TODAY,
JOHN PRINE.

SINGER-SONGWRITERS OF TODAY,
JOHN PRINE.
[APPLAUSE]

JOHN PRINE.
[APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "HELLO IN THERE"

[APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "HELLO IN THERE"
PLAYS]

♪ WE HAD AN APARTMENT
IN THE CITY ♪
♪ AND ME AND LORETTA LIKED

IN THE CITY ♪
♪ AND ME AND LORETTA LIKED
LIVING THERE ♪

♪ AND ME AND LORETTA LIKED
LIVING THERE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'D BEEN YEARS SINCE

LIVING THERE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'D BEEN YEARS SINCE
THE KIDS HAD GROWN ♪

♪ WELL, IT'D BEEN YEARS SINCE
THE KIDS HAD GROWN ♪
♪ A LIFE OF THEIR OWN

THE KIDS HAD GROWN ♪
♪ A LIFE OF THEIR OWN
AND LEFT US ALONE ♪

♪ A LIFE OF THEIR OWN
AND LEFT US ALONE ♪
♪ JOHN AND LINDA LIVE IN OMAHA ♪

AND LEFT US ALONE ♪
♪ JOHN AND LINDA LIVE IN OMAHA ♪
♪ AND JOE IS SOMEWHERE

♪ JOHN AND LINDA LIVE IN OMAHA ♪
♪ AND JOE IS SOMEWHERE
ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ AND JOE IS SOMEWHERE
ON THE ROAD ♪
♪ WE LOST DAVY IN

ON THE ROAD ♪
♪ WE LOST DAVY IN
THE KOREAN WAR ♪

♪ WE LOST DAVY IN
THE KOREAN WAR ♪
♪ AND I STILL DON'T KNOW

THE KOREAN WAR ♪
♪ AND I STILL DON'T KNOW
WHAT FOR ♪

♪ AND I STILL DON'T KNOW
WHAT FOR ♪
♪ IT DON'T MATTER ANYMORE ♪

WHAT FOR ♪
♪ IT DON'T MATTER ANYMORE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST

♪ IT DON'T MATTER ANYMORE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST
GROW STRONGER ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST
GROW STRONGER ♪
♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER

GROW STRONGER ♪
♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER
EVERY DAY ♪

♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER
EVERY DAY ♪
♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME,

EVERY DAY ♪
♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME,
WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,

♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME,
WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,
"HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪

♪ ME AND LORETTA, WE DON'T
TALK MUCH MORE ♪
♪ SHE SITS AND STARES THROUGH

TALK MUCH MORE ♪
♪ SHE SITS AND STARES THROUGH
THE BACK-DOOR SCREEN ♪

♪ SHE SITS AND STARES THROUGH
THE BACK-DOOR SCREEN ♪
♪ AND ALL THE NEWS

THE BACK-DOOR SCREEN ♪
♪ AND ALL THE NEWS
JUST REPEATS ITSELF ♪

♪ AND ALL THE NEWS
JUST REPEATS ITSELF ♪
♪ LIKE SOME FORGOTTEN DREAM

JUST REPEATS ITSELF ♪
♪ LIKE SOME FORGOTTEN DREAM
THAT WE'VE BOTH SEEN ♪

♪ LIKE SOME FORGOTTEN DREAM
THAT WE'VE BOTH SEEN ♪
♪ SOMEDAY I'LL GO AND CALL UP

THAT WE'VE BOTH SEEN ♪
♪ SOMEDAY I'LL GO AND CALL UP
RUDY ♪

♪ SOMEDAY I'LL GO AND CALL UP
RUDY ♪
♪ WE WORKED TOGETHER AT

RUDY ♪
♪ WE WORKED TOGETHER AT
THE FACTORY ♪

♪ WE WORKED TOGETHER AT
THE FACTORY ♪
♪ BUT WHAT COULD I SAY

THE FACTORY ♪
♪ BUT WHAT COULD I SAY
IF HE ASKS WHAT'S NEW? ♪

♪ BUT WHAT COULD I SAY
IF HE ASKS WHAT'S NEW? ♪
♪ "NOTHING, WHAT'S WITH YOU?

IF HE ASKS WHAT'S NEW? ♪
♪ "NOTHING, WHAT'S WITH YOU?
NOTHING MUCH TO DO" ♪

♪ "NOTHING, WHAT'S WITH YOU?
NOTHING MUCH TO DO" ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST

NOTHING MUCH TO DO" ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST
GROW STRONGER ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST
GROW STRONGER ♪
♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER

GROW STRONGER ♪
♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER
EVERY DAY ♪

♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER
EVERY DAY ♪
♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME,

EVERY DAY ♪
♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME,
WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,

♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME,
WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,
"HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪

WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,
"HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪
♪ SO IF YOU'RE WALKING DOWN

"HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪
♪ SO IF YOU'RE WALKING DOWN
THE STREET SOMETIME ♪

♪ SO IF YOU'RE WALKING DOWN
THE STREET SOMETIME ♪
♪ AND SPOT SOME HOLLOW

THE STREET SOMETIME ♪
♪ AND SPOT SOME HOLLOW
ANCIENT EYES ♪

♪ AND SPOT SOME HOLLOW
ANCIENT EYES ♪
♪ PLEASE DON'T JUST PASS 'EM BY

ANCIENT EYES ♪
♪ PLEASE DON'T JUST PASS 'EM BY
AND STARE AS IF YOU DIDN'T

♪ PLEASE DON'T JUST PASS 'EM BY
AND STARE AS IF YOU DIDN'T
CARE ♪

AND STARE AS IF YOU DIDN'T
CARE ♪
♪ SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪

CARE ♪
♪ SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪
THANK YOU.

♪ SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.
I-I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS,

UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.
I-I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS,
THOUGH.

I-I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS,
THOUGH.
NO. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

THOUGH.
NO. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
I-I GOT A GO ON IN A SECOND.

NO. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
I-I GOT A GO ON IN A SECOND.
JIMINY CRICKET?

I-I GOT A GO ON IN A SECOND.
JIMINY CRICKET?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO ONE

JIMINY CRICKET?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO ONE
JIMINY CRICKET FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO ONE
JIMINY CRICKET FOR YOU.
♪ WHEN YOU WISH... ♪

JIMINY CRICKET FOR YOU.
♪ WHEN YOU WISH... ♪
[LAUGHTER]

♪ WHEN YOU WISH... ♪
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING.

[APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I DON'T

GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I DON'T
LIKE YOU.

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I DON'T
LIKE YOU.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... SO FAR,

LIKE YOU.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... SO FAR,
MORE THAN 75 PERSONS ARE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... SO FAR,
MORE THAN 75 PERSONS ARE
REPORTED DEAD AFTER HAVING

MORE THAN 75 PERSONS ARE
REPORTED DEAD AFTER HAVING
RECEIVED THEIR SWINE-FLU

REPORTED DEAD AFTER HAVING
RECEIVED THEIR SWINE-FLU
"VINACCINATIONINS."

RECEIVED THEIR SWINE-FLU
"VINACCINATIONINS."
H.E.W. CONTINUES TO STATE THAT

"VINACCINATIONINS."
H.E.W. CONTINUES TO STATE THAT
THE DEATHS ARE PURELY

H.E.W. CONTINUES TO STATE THAT
THE DEATHS ARE PURELY
COINCIDENTAL AND UNRELATED.

THE DEATHS ARE PURELY
COINCIDENTAL AND UNRELATED.
IN NEBRASKA THIS MORNING, A 707

COINCIDENTAL AND UNRELATED.
IN NEBRASKA THIS MORNING, A 707
JET CRASHED IN A WHEAT FIELD.

IN NEBRASKA THIS MORNING, A 707
JET CRASHED IN A WHEAT FIELD.
123 PERSONS ARE DEAD.

JET CRASHED IN A WHEAT FIELD.
123 PERSONS ARE DEAD.
THE F.A.A. HAS RELEASED A

123 PERSONS ARE DEAD.
THE F.A.A. HAS RELEASED A
STATEMENT SAYING THAT THE DEATHS

THE F.A.A. HAS RELEASED A
STATEMENT SAYING THAT THE DEATHS
ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND

STATEMENT SAYING THAT THE DEATHS
ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND
UNRELATED.

ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND
UNRELATED.
AND THIS JUST IN... SCIENTIST

UNRELATED.
AND THIS JUST IN... SCIENTIST
THINK THEY MAY HAVE AN ANSWER IN

AND THIS JUST IN... SCIENTIST
THINK THEY MAY HAVE AN ANSWER IN
THE MYSTERIOUS SWINE-FLU DEATHS.

THINK THEY MAY HAVE AN ANSWER IN
THE MYSTERIOUS SWINE-FLU DEATHS.
IT SEEMS THAT, INEXPLICABLY,

THE MYSTERIOUS SWINE-FLU DEATHS.
IT SEEMS THAT, INEXPLICABLY,
THROUGH SOME SORT OF

IT SEEMS THAT, INEXPLICABLY,
THROUGH SOME SORT OF
BUREAUCRATIC MIX-UP, SOME OF THE

THROUGH SOME SORT OF
BUREAUCRATIC MIX-UP, SOME OF THE
CLINICS IN QUESTION DID NOT

BUREAUCRATIC MIX-UP, SOME OF THE
CLINICS IN QUESTION DID NOT
RECEIVE THE SWINE-FLU VACCINE,

CLINICS IN QUESTION DID NOT
RECEIVE THE SWINE-FLU VACCINE,
AND INSTEAD HAVE BEEN

RECEIVE THE SWINE-FLU VACCINE,
AND INSTEAD HAVE BEEN
INOCULATING PEOPLE WITH

AND INSTEAD HAVE BEEN
INOCULATING PEOPLE WITH
BON VIVANT VICHYSSOISE.

INOCULATING PEOPLE WITH
BON VIVANT VICHYSSOISE.
[LAUGHTER]

BON VIVANT VICHYSSOISE.
[LAUGHTER]
IN A RELATED NOTE, THE

[LAUGHTER]
IN A RELATED NOTE, THE
UNITED STATES HEALTH SERVICE

IN A RELATED NOTE, THE
UNITED STATES HEALTH SERVICE
HAVE RECEIVED AN INTERESTING

UNITED STATES HEALTH SERVICE
HAVE RECEIVED AN INTERESTING
REQUEST FROM THE SPANISH

HAVE RECEIVED AN INTERESTING
REQUEST FROM THE SPANISH
GOVERNMENT.

REQUEST FROM THE SPANISH
GOVERNMENT.
SPAIN WOULD LIKE 20 cc OF

GOVERNMENT.
SPAIN WOULD LIKE 20 cc OF
SWINE-FLU VACCINE TO INOCULATE

SPAIN WOULD LIKE 20 cc OF
SWINE-FLU VACCINE TO INOCULATE
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,

SWINE-FLU VACCINE TO INOCULATE
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,
WHO, DOCTORS SAY, IS QUITE

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,
WHO, DOCTORS SAY, IS QUITE
SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE DISEASE IN

WHO, DOCTORS SAY, IS QUITE
SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE DISEASE IN
HIS PRESENT STATE.

SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE DISEASE IN
HIS PRESENT STATE.
TWO RUSSIAN COSMONAUTS,

HIS PRESENT STATE.
TWO RUSSIAN COSMONAUTS,
VYACHESLAV DUDOV AND

TWO RUSSIAN COSMONAUTS,
VYACHESLAV DUDOV AND
VALERI GREJLAVAPLA, BLASTED

VYACHESLAV DUDOV AND
VALERI GREJLAVAPLA, BLASTED
INTO SPACE ON THURSDAY.

VALERI GREJLAVAPLA, BLASTED
INTO SPACE ON THURSDAY.
JOINED AT THE WRISTS, THEY ARE

INTO SPACE ON THURSDAY.
JOINED AT THE WRISTS, THEY ARE
THE FIRST SIAMESE TWINS IN OUTER

JOINED AT THE WRISTS, THEY ARE
THE FIRST SIAMESE TWINS IN OUTER
SPACE.

THE FIRST SIAMESE TWINS IN OUTER
SPACE.
THE TWINS WILL SEPARATE INSTEAD

SPACE.
THE TWINS WILL SEPARATE INSTEAD
OF RENDEZVOUS.

THE TWINS WILL SEPARATE INSTEAD
OF RENDEZVOUS.
PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN

OF RENDEZVOUS.
PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN
CRITICIZING JIMMY CARTER FOR

PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN
CRITICIZING JIMMY CARTER FOR
APPEARING IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN

CRITICIZING JIMMY CARTER FOR
APPEARING IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN
AN INTERVIEW, SO IT WAS

APPEARING IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN
AN INTERVIEW, SO IT WAS
SURPRISING WHEN AN INTERVIEW

AN INTERVIEW, SO IT WAS
SURPRISING WHEN AN INTERVIEW
WITH FORD APPEARED IN THIS

SURPRISING WHEN AN INTERVIEW
WITH FORD APPEARED IN THIS
MONTH'S ISSUE OF HUSTLER.

WITH FORD APPEARED IN THIS
MONTH'S ISSUE OF HUSTLER.
FORD SAID HE THOUGHT THE

MONTH'S ISSUE OF HUSTLER.
FORD SAID HE THOUGHT THE
MAGAZINE WAS FOR AGGRESSIVE

FORD SAID HE THOUGHT THE
MAGAZINE WAS FOR AGGRESSIVE
ATHLETES.

MAGAZINE WAS FOR AGGRESSIVE
ATHLETES.
FORMER SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE

ATHLETES.
FORMER SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE
EARL BUTZ, WHO RESIGNED HIS POST

FORMER SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE
EARL BUTZ, WHO RESIGNED HIS POST
LAST WEEK BECAUSE OF OFFENSIVE

EARL BUTZ, WHO RESIGNED HIS POST
LAST WEEK BECAUSE OF OFFENSIVE
RACIAL SLURS, IS REPORTED TO

LAST WEEK BECAUSE OF OFFENSIVE
RACIAL SLURS, IS REPORTED TO
HAVE SICKLE-CELL ANEMIA.

RACIAL SLURS, IS REPORTED TO
HAVE SICKLE-CELL ANEMIA.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE SICKLE-CELL ANEMIA.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BUTZ'S PHYSICIANS EXPLAIN THAT

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BUTZ'S PHYSICIANS EXPLAIN THAT
THEIR PATIENT PROBABLY GOT THE

BUTZ'S PHYSICIANS EXPLAIN THAT
THEIR PATIENT PROBABLY GOT THE
DISEASE, USUALLY CONFINED TO

THEIR PATIENT PROBABLY GOT THE
DISEASE, USUALLY CONFINED TO
BLACK PEOPLE, FOR ONE OF THREE

DISEASE, USUALLY CONFINED TO
BLACK PEOPLE, FOR ONE OF THREE
REASONS... BAD SEX, TIGHT SHOES,

BLACK PEOPLE, FOR ONE OF THREE
REASONS... BAD SEX, TIGHT SHOES,
OR A CHILLY BATHROOM.

REASONS... BAD SEX, TIGHT SHOES,
OR A CHILLY BATHROOM.
[LAUGHTER]

OR A CHILLY BATHROOM.
[LAUGHTER]
STILL TO COME, NOBEL PRIZE

[LAUGHTER]
STILL TO COME, NOBEL PRIZE
WINNER CARLTON GADJUVEK,

STILL TO COME, NOBEL PRIZE
WINNER CARLTON GADJUVEK,
INVENTOR OF THE GRILLED-CHEESE

WINNER CARLTON GADJUVEK,
INVENTOR OF THE GRILLED-CHEESE
SANDWICH, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

INVENTOR OF THE GRILLED-CHEESE
SANDWICH, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: IN THE DAWN OF
CIVILIZATION, LONG BEFORE THE
BRONZE AGE, MAN FIRST BEGAN HIS

CIVILIZATION, LONG BEFORE THE
BRONZE AGE, MAN FIRST BEGAN HIS
SEARCH FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE.

BRONZE AGE, MAN FIRST BEGAN HIS
SEARCH FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE.
[BOING!]

SEARCH FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE.
[BOING!]
SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN

[BOING!]
SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN
ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE

SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN
ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE
PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM

ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE
PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM
THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY

PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM
THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY
RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM

THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY
RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM
AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY

RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM
AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY
ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE.

AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY
ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE.
ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE

ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE.
ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE
THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM.

ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE
THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM.
INTRODUCING THE TRIPLE-TRAC.

THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM.
INTRODUCING THE TRIPLE-TRAC.
NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE

INTRODUCING THE TRIPLE-TRAC.
NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE
SYSTEM, BUT THREE STAINLESS

NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE
SYSTEM, BUT THREE STAINLESS
PLATINUM TEFLEX-COATED BLADES

SYSTEM, BUT THREE STAINLESS
PLATINUM TEFLEX-COATED BLADES
MELDED TOGETHER TO FORM ONE

PLATINUM TEFLEX-COATED BLADES
MELDED TOGETHER TO FORM ONE
INCREDIBLE SHAVING CARTRIDGE.

MELDED TOGETHER TO FORM ONE
INCREDIBLE SHAVING CARTRIDGE.
EASILY FIT IT INTO YOUR OLD

INCREDIBLE SHAVING CARTRIDGE.
EASILY FIT IT INTO YOUR OLD
TWIN-BLADE HOLDER.

EASILY FIT IT INTO YOUR OLD
TWIN-BLADE HOLDER.
TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT

TWIN-BLADE HOLDER.
TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT
CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE

TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT
CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE
SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE.

CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE
SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
THE FIRST BLADE GRABS AT THE

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
THE FIRST BLADE GRABS AT THE
WHISKER, TUGGING IT AWAY FROM

THE FIRST BLADE GRABS AT THE
WHISKER, TUGGING IT AWAY FROM
YOUR FACE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE

WHISKER, TUGGING IT AWAY FROM
YOUR FACE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE
SECOND BLADE.

YOUR FACE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE
SECOND BLADE.
BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND

SECOND BLADE.
BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND
DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT

BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND
DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT
HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND

DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT
HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND
INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER

HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND
INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER
OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR

INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER
OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR
SHEARING.

OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR
SHEARING.
TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A

SHEARING.
TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A
FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM

TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A
FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM
INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH

FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM
INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH
THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING

INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH
THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING
YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A

THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING
YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A
BILLIARD BALL.

YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A
BILLIARD BALL.
THE TRIPLE-TRAC.

BILLIARD BALL.
THE TRIPLE-TRAC.
BECAUSE YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.

THE TRIPLE-TRAC.
BECAUSE YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IN A NEW STUDY ON FEMALE
SEXUALITY CALLED THE HITE
REPORT, AUTHOR SHERE HITE HAS

SEXUALITY CALLED THE HITE
REPORT, AUTHOR SHERE HITE HAS
HAD WOMEN DESCRIBE IN GREAT

REPORT, AUTHOR SHERE HITE HAS
HAD WOMEN DESCRIBE IN GREAT
DETAIL WHAT THEY HAVE

HAD WOMEN DESCRIBE IN GREAT
DETAIL WHAT THEY HAVE
EXPERIENCED DURING SEX.

DETAIL WHAT THEY HAVE
EXPERIENCED DURING SEX.
IT IS REPORTED A MOST ACCURATE

EXPERIENCED DURING SEX.
IT IS REPORTED A MOST ACCURATE
ACCOUNT ON WOMEN'S SEXUAL

IT IS REPORTED A MOST ACCURATE
ACCOUNT ON WOMEN'S SEXUAL
BEHAVIOR, AS REFLECTED IN THE

ACCOUNT ON WOMEN'S SEXUAL
BEHAVIOR, AS REFLECTED IN THE
REVIEWS OF WOMEN'S CRITICS.

BEHAVIOR, AS REFLECTED IN THE
REVIEWS OF WOMEN'S CRITICS.
10% FOUND IT STIMULATING, 22%

REVIEWS OF WOMEN'S CRITICS.
10% FOUND IT STIMULATING, 22%
WERE BORED BY IT, 68% FAKED

10% FOUND IT STIMULATING, 22%
WERE BORED BY IT, 68% FAKED
HAVING READ THE BOOK IN THE

WERE BORED BY IT, 68% FAKED
HAVING READ THE BOOK IN THE
FIRST PLACE.

HAVING READ THE BOOK IN THE
FIRST PLACE.
[LAUGHTER]

FIRST PLACE.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL [CHUCKLES] SHINE ON,

[LAUGHTER]
WELL [CHUCKLES] SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON.

WELL [CHUCKLES] SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON.
THIS YEAR, IT HAS BEEN AN

HARVEST MOON.
THIS YEAR, IT HAS BEEN AN
EXCELLENT YEAR FOR FARMERS, AS

THIS YEAR, IT HAS BEEN AN
EXCELLENT YEAR FOR FARMERS, AS
INDICATED BY THIS PHOTO OF THE

EXCELLENT YEAR FOR FARMERS, AS
INDICATED BY THIS PHOTO OF THE
GIANT SHREDDED-WHEAT CROP

INDICATED BY THIS PHOTO OF THE
GIANT SHREDDED-WHEAT CROP
OF FRANK BUHL IN GREAT RUBY,

GIANT SHREDDED-WHEAT CROP
OF FRANK BUHL IN GREAT RUBY,
WYOMING.

OF FRANK BUHL IN GREAT RUBY,
WYOMING.
[LAUGHTER]

WYOMING.
[LAUGHTER]
CARLO GAMBINO, THE MAFIA

[LAUGHTER]
CARLO GAMBINO, THE MAFIA
CHIEFTAIN AFTER WHOM SOME

CARLO GAMBINO, THE MAFIA
CHIEFTAIN AFTER WHOM SOME
BELIEVE "THE GODFATHER" WAS

CHIEFTAIN AFTER WHOM SOME
BELIEVE "THE GODFATHER" WAS
MODELED, DIED YESTERDAY OF A

BELIEVE "THE GODFATHER" WAS
MODELED, DIED YESTERDAY OF A
HEART ATTACK.

MODELED, DIED YESTERDAY OF A
HEART ATTACK.
LAW-ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES

HEART ATTACK.
LAW-ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES
PREDICT THAT THE HEIR TO HIS

LAW-ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES
PREDICT THAT THE HEIR TO HIS
INTERNATIONAL MOB EMPIRE IS THE

PREDICT THAT THE HEIR TO HIS
INTERNATIONAL MOB EMPIRE IS THE
REPUTED BONANNO FAMILY HEAD

INTERNATIONAL MOB EMPIRE IS THE
REPUTED BONANNO FAMILY HEAD
CARMINE GALANTE.

REPUTED BONANNO FAMILY HEAD
CARMINE GALANTE.
HENRY KISSINGER MET WITH GALANTE

CARMINE GALANTE.
HENRY KISSINGER MET WITH GALANTE
TODAY AND ANNOUNCED THAT THEY

HENRY KISSINGER MET WITH GALANTE
TODAY AND ANNOUNCED THAT THEY
AGREED TO ESTABLISH FORMAL

TODAY AND ANNOUNCED THAT THEY
AGREED TO ESTABLISH FORMAL
DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS.

AGREED TO ESTABLISH FORMAL
DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS.
IN A SHOW OF GOODWILL, THE MAFIA

DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS.
IN A SHOW OF GOODWILL, THE MAFIA
WILL RECEIVE 15 F-14s, 500

IN A SHOW OF GOODWILL, THE MAFIA
WILL RECEIVE 15 F-14s, 500
HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES, AND

WILL RECEIVE 15 F-14s, 500
HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES, AND
30,000 SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIALS

HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES, AND
30,000 SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIALS
IN EXCHANGE FOR JIMMY HOFFA.

30,000 SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIALS
IN EXCHANGE FOR JIMMY HOFFA.
[CHUCKLES]

IN EXCHANGE FOR JIMMY HOFFA.
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IN ISRAEL TODAY, JOSHUA FIT THE

[APPLAUSE]
IN ISRAEL TODAY, JOSHUA FIT THE
BATTLE OF JERICHO...

IN ISRAEL TODAY, JOSHUA FIT THE
BATTLE OF JERICHO...
JERICHO...

BATTLE OF JERICHO...
JERICHO...
JERICHO.

JERICHO...
JERICHO.
JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE OF

JERICHO.
JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE OF
JERICHO, AND THE WALLS COME

JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE OF
JERICHO, AND THE WALLS COME
TUMBLING DOWN.

JERICHO, AND THE WALLS COME
TUMBLING DOWN.
MORE ON THAT LATER.

TUMBLING DOWN.
MORE ON THAT LATER.
PRETTY ACTRESS LESLIE CARON, WHO

MORE ON THAT LATER.
PRETTY ACTRESS LESLIE CARON, WHO
CREATED A SENSATION WHEN SHE

PRETTY ACTRESS LESLIE CARON, WHO
CREATED A SENSATION WHEN SHE
BROKE INTO FILMS IN HOLLYWOOD,

CREATED A SENSATION WHEN SHE
BROKE INTO FILMS IN HOLLYWOOD,
HAD NOTHING REALLY VERY

BROKE INTO FILMS IN HOLLYWOOD,
HAD NOTHING REALLY VERY
INTERESTING HAPPEN TO HER THIS

HAD NOTHING REALLY VERY
INTERESTING HAPPEN TO HER THIS
WEEK.

INTERESTING HAPPEN TO HER THIS
WEEK.
[LAUGHTER]

WEEK.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, LAST NIGHT SAW THE FIRST

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, LAST NIGHT SAW THE FIRST
VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN

WELL, LAST NIGHT SAW THE FIRST
VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN
HISTORY.

VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN
HISTORY.
SENATORS MONDALE AND DOLE DREW

HISTORY.
SENATORS MONDALE AND DOLE DREW
HIGHER TV RATINGS THAN FORD AND

SENATORS MONDALE AND DOLE DREW
HIGHER TV RATINGS THAN FORD AND
CARTER AND HAVE BEEN OFFERED A

HIGHER TV RATINGS THAN FORD AND
CARTER AND HAVE BEEN OFFERED A
JOB REPLACING DAWN ON THE

CARTER AND HAVE BEEN OFFERED A
JOB REPLACING DAWN ON THE
"TONY ORLANDO SHOW."

JOB REPLACING DAWN ON THE
"TONY ORLANDO SHOW."
[LAUGHTER]

"TONY ORLANDO SHOW."
[LAUGHTER]
TESTS OF THE HAIR SAMPLES OF

[LAUGHTER]
TESTS OF THE HAIR SAMPLES OF
EGYPTIAN MUMMIES HAVE ENABLED A

TESTS OF THE HAIR SAMPLES OF
EGYPTIAN MUMMIES HAVE ENABLED A
TEAM OF AMERICAN SCIENTISTS TO

EGYPTIAN MUMMIES HAVE ENABLED A
TEAM OF AMERICAN SCIENTISTS TO
POSITIVELY IDENTIFY THE MUMMY OF

TEAM OF AMERICAN SCIENTISTS TO
POSITIVELY IDENTIFY THE MUMMY OF
KING TUT'S GRANDMOTHER, WHO

POSITIVELY IDENTIFY THE MUMMY OF
KING TUT'S GRANDMOTHER, WHO
LIVED MORE THAN 3,300 YEARS AGO.

KING TUT'S GRANDMOTHER, WHO
LIVED MORE THAN 3,300 YEARS AGO.
AND TO THE SURPRISE OF EVERYONE,

LIVED MORE THAN 3,300 YEARS AGO.
AND TO THE SURPRISE OF EVERYONE,
THEY DISCOVERED THAT TUT'S

AND TO THE SURPRISE OF EVERYONE,
THEY DISCOVERED THAT TUT'S
GRANDMOTHER WAS ACTUALLY JEWISH,

THEY DISCOVERED THAT TUT'S
GRANDMOTHER WAS ACTUALLY JEWISH,
AS HER HAIR WAS IN A NET, THE

GRANDMOTHER WAS ACTUALLY JEWISH,
AS HER HAIR WAS IN A NET, THE
MUMMY CASE WAS FORMICA, AND SHE

AS HER HAIR WAS IN A NET, THE
MUMMY CASE WAS FORMICA, AND SHE
WAS BURIED ALONG WITH A BOWL OF

MUMMY CASE WAS FORMICA, AND SHE
WAS BURIED ALONG WITH A BOWL OF
FRESH FRUIT.

WAS BURIED ALONG WITH A BOWL OF
FRESH FRUIT.
[LAUGHTER]

FRESH FRUIT.
[LAUGHTER]
OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS, OF

[LAUGHTER]
OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS, OF
COURSE, THE 1976 WORLD SERIES.

OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS, OF
COURSE, THE 1976 WORLD SERIES.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

COURSE, THE 1976 WORLD SERIES.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

MMM!
HONEY!
THESE CUPCAKES ARE DELICIOUS.

HONEY!
THESE CUPCAKES ARE DELICIOUS.
OH, YES, THEY ARE, DEAR,

THESE CUPCAKES ARE DELICIOUS.
OH, YES, THEY ARE, DEAR,
AND, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T CAUSE

OH, YES, THEY ARE, DEAR,
AND, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T CAUSE
CANCER.

AND, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T CAUSE
CANCER.
WHAT?

CANCER.
WHAT?
I SAID THEY DON'T CAUSE

WHAT?
I SAID THEY DON'T CAUSE
CANCER BECAUSE THESE ARE

I SAID THEY DON'T CAUSE
CANCER BECAUSE THESE ARE
GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES.

CANCER BECAUSE THESE ARE
GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES.
YOU SEE, THE FOLKS DOWN AT

GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES.
YOU SEE, THE FOLKS DOWN AT
GAMMA RAY LABORATORIES FED THESE

YOU SEE, THE FOLKS DOWN AT
GAMMA RAY LABORATORIES FED THESE
CUPCAKES TO RATS FOR FIVE YEARS.

GAMMA RAY LABORATORIES FED THESE
CUPCAKES TO RATS FOR FIVE YEARS.
AND HERE ARE THE RESULTS...

CUPCAKES TO RATS FOR FIVE YEARS.
AND HERE ARE THE RESULTS...
DOZENS OF CANCER-FREE RATS.

AND HERE ARE THE RESULTS...
DOZENS OF CANCER-FREE RATS.
YES, ALL OF THEM LIVED, EXCEPT

YES, ALL OF THEM LIVED, EXCEPT
ONE WHO GOT HIS LITTLE HEAD

ONE WHO GOT HIS LITTLE HEAD
CAUGHT BETWEEN THE BARS.

CAUGHT BETWEEN THE BARS.
YOU MEAN, ALL OF THEM ATE

YOU MEAN, ALL OF THEM ATE
ONLY CUPCAKES?

ONLY CUPCAKES?
YES, THAT AND A LITTLE BIT OF

YES, THAT AND A LITTLE BIT OF
THE WOOD CHIPS FOUND IN THEIR

THE WOOD CHIPS FOUND IN THEIR
CAGES, BUT WHY TAKE MY WORD FOR

CAGES, BUT WHY TAKE MY WORD FOR
IT?

IT?
SEE FOR YOURSELF.
[RATS SQUEAKING]

SEE FOR YOURSELF.
[RATS SQUEAKING]
[ALARM BUZZING]

MMM.
NO CANCER, HUH?
I GUESS I'LL TRY ANOTHER

NO CANCER, HUH?
I GUESS I'LL TRY ANOTHER
DELICIOUS GREEN CROSS CUPCAKE.

I GUESS I'LL TRY ANOTHER
DELICIOUS GREEN CROSS CUPCAKE.
IN FACT, I'LL HAVE AS MANY AS I

DELICIOUS GREEN CROSS CUPCAKE.
IN FACT, I'LL HAVE AS MANY AS I
LIKE.

IN FACT, I'LL HAVE AS MANY AS I
LIKE.
WHY NOT TAKE A TIP...

LIKE.
WHY NOT TAKE A TIP...
FROM THESE JUMBO RATS AND TREAT

WHY NOT TAKE A TIP...
FROM THESE JUMBO RATS AND TREAT
YOUR FAMILY TO THE SAFE CUPCAKE?

FROM THESE JUMBO RATS AND TREAT
YOUR FAMILY TO THE SAFE CUPCAKE?
HI.

YOUR FAMILY TO THE SAFE CUPCAKE?
HI.
I'M A SCIENTIST.

HI.
I'M A SCIENTIST.
UNDER THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING"

I'M A SCIENTIST.
UNDER THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING"
LAW, I'M OBLIGED TO POINT OUT

UNDER THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING"
LAW, I'M OBLIGED TO POINT OUT
THAT THERE'S NO EVIDENCE LINKING

LAW, I'M OBLIGED TO POINT OUT
THAT THERE'S NO EVIDENCE LINKING
CUPCAKES AND CANCER...

THAT THERE'S NO EVIDENCE LINKING
CUPCAKES AND CANCER...
NONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN

CUPCAKES AND CANCER...
NONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN
REMOTELY.

NONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN
REMOTELY.
BUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW,

REMOTELY.
BUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW,
WHO KNOWS?

BUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW,
WHO KNOWS?
BYE.

WHO KNOWS?
BYE.
HEADLINES ARE SO FRIGHTENING,

BYE.
HEADLINES ARE SO FRIGHTENING,
I CAN'T EVEN READ THE DAMN PAPER

HEADLINES ARE SO FRIGHTENING,
I CAN'T EVEN READ THE DAMN PAPER
ANYMORE.

I CAN'T EVEN READ THE DAMN PAPER
ANYMORE.
ALL I KNOW IS I HAVE TO TAKE

ANYMORE.
ALL I KNOW IS I HAVE TO TAKE
CARE OF MY FAMILY AND DO WHAT'S

ALL I KNOW IS I HAVE TO TAKE
CARE OF MY FAMILY AND DO WHAT'S
BEST FOR THEM, SO I SAY, "WHY

CARE OF MY FAMILY AND DO WHAT'S
BEST FOR THEM, SO I SAY, "WHY
TAKE CHANCES WHEN IT COMES TO

BEST FOR THEM, SO I SAY, "WHY
TAKE CHANCES WHEN IT COMES TO
CUPCAKES?"

TAKE CHANCES WHEN IT COMES TO
CUPCAKES?"
FEED 'EM GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES,

CUPCAKES?"
FEED 'EM GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES,
THE SAFE CUPCAKES.

FEED 'EM GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES,
THE SAFE CUPCAKES.
CANCER-FREENESS NEVER TASTED SO

THE SAFE CUPCAKES.
CANCER-FREENESS NEVER TASTED SO
GOOD.

CANCER-FREENESS NEVER TASTED SO
GOOD.
Announcer: DOGS LOVE 'EM,

GOOD.
Announcer: DOGS LOVE 'EM,
TOO!

Announcer: DOGS LOVE 'EM,
TOO!
WOOF! WOOF!

TOO!
WOOF! WOOF!
[APPLAUSE]

A BOUNTEOUS REPAST,
ELIZABETH.
I SHALL CLEAR NOW.

THE WHEAT HAS BEEN CUT AND
SHUCKED.
THRESHING HAS STARTED.

SHUCKED.
THRESHING HAS STARTED.
IT IS THE LORD'S WAY.

THRESHING HAS STARTED.
IT IS THE LORD'S WAY.
YESTERDAY, WE PLANTED.

IT IS THE LORD'S WAY.
YESTERDAY, WE PLANTED.
TODAY, WE REAP THAT WHICH WAS

YESTERDAY, WE PLANTED.
TODAY, WE REAP THAT WHICH WAS
PLANTED.

TODAY, WE REAP THAT WHICH WAS
PLANTED.
TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON.

PLANTED.
TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON.
TURN, TURN, TURN.

TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON.
TURN, TURN, TURN.
AND A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE

TURN, TURN, TURN.
AND A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE
UNDER HEAVEN.

AND A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE
UNDER HEAVEN.
A TIME TO BE BORN, A TIME TO

UNDER HEAVEN.
A TIME TO BE BORN, A TIME TO
DIE.

A TIME TO BE BORN, A TIME TO
DIE.
A TIME TO PLANT, A TIME TO

DIE.
A TIME TO PLANT, A TIME TO
REAP.

A TIME TO PLANT, A TIME TO
REAP.
A TIME TO KILL, A TIME TO

REAP.
A TIME TO KILL, A TIME TO
HEAL.

A TIME TO KILL, A TIME TO
HEAL.
A TIME TO LAUGH, A TIME TO

HEAL.
A TIME TO LAUGH, A TIME TO
WEEP.

A TIME TO LAUGH, A TIME TO
WEEP.
TO EVERYTHING...

WEEP.
TO EVERYTHING...
TURN, TURN, TURN.

TO EVERYTHING...
TURN, TURN, TURN.
THERE IS A SEASON.

TURN, TURN, TURN.
THERE IS A SEASON.
TURN, TURN, TURN.

THERE IS A SEASON.
TURN, TURN, TURN.
YOU KNOW, A BANK HAS BEEN

TURN, TURN, TURN.
YOU KNOW, A BANK HAS BEEN
HELDETH UP.

YOU KNOW, A BANK HAS BEEN
HELDETH UP.
WHERE AT?

HELDETH UP.
WHERE AT?
LANCASTER, ABOUT 30 MILES

WHERE AT?
LANCASTER, ABOUT 30 MILES
EAST OF HERE.

LANCASTER, ABOUT 30 MILES
EAST OF HERE.
WE ARE NEEDED.

EAST OF HERE.
WE ARE NEEDED.
LET US ROLL.

GENTLE PEOPLE LINKING THE WAY
WE WERE WITH THE WAY WE USED TO
BE.

WE WERE WITH THE WAY WE USED TO
BE.
TEMPERANCE, BUT WITH A PURPOSE.

BE.
TEMPERANCE, BUT WITH A PURPOSE.
THEY'RE YOUNG.

TEMPERANCE, BUT WITH A PURPOSE.
THEY'RE YOUNG.
THEY'RE COPS.

THEY'RE YOUNG.
THEY'RE COPS.
THEY'RE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH.

CHEVY CHASE STARS AS

ELEAZER CLINTON, JANE CURTIN AS

ELIZABETH YODERS, AND

JOHN BELUSHI AS CHURN.

A TEAM OF ACTIVE...

MORALISTS...

IN...

SEARCH OF...

HARMONY.

THEY'RE A.M.I.S.H.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
MMM.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
MMM.
TASTY BERRIES.

MMM.
TASTY BERRIES.
I PICKED THEM ALONG THE WAY.

TASTY BERRIES.
I PICKED THEM ALONG THE WAY.
BRING US SOME MORE OF THAT

I PICKED THEM ALONG THE WAY.
BRING US SOME MORE OF THAT
FINE CORN BREAD, ELIZABETH.

BRING US SOME MORE OF THAT
FINE CORN BREAD, ELIZABETH.
YES, ELEAZER.

FINE CORN BREAD, ELIZABETH.
YES, ELEAZER.
SHE'S A GOOD WOMAN.

YES, ELEAZER.
SHE'S A GOOD WOMAN.
SHE'S 14.

SHE'S A GOOD WOMAN.
SHE'S 14.
I WONDER WHY SHE NEVER MARRIED.

[HORNS HONKING]

YES, MAY I HELP YOU?
YES, WE READ THERE HAD BEEN
SOME TROUBLE.

YES, WE READ THERE HAD BEEN
SOME TROUBLE.
WE WERE CONCERNED.

SOME TROUBLE.
WE WERE CONCERNED.
SO WE HAVE JOURNEYED HERE TO

WE WERE CONCERNED.
SO WE HAVE JOURNEYED HERE TO
OFFER OUR HELP.

SO WE HAVE JOURNEYED HERE TO
OFFER OUR HELP.
WE ARE THE A.M.I.S.H.

OFFER OUR HELP.
WE ARE THE A.M.I.S.H.
THE LORD GUIDETH US TO YOUR

WE ARE THE A.M.I.S.H.
THE LORD GUIDETH US TO YOUR
WINDOW.

THE LORD GUIDETH US TO YOUR
WINDOW.
UH, WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE?

WINDOW.
UH, WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE?
UH...

UH, WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE?
UH...
THE BANK ROBBERY.

UH...
THE BANK ROBBERY.
WE READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPER.

THE BANK ROBBERY.
WE READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPER.
WELL, UH, THE BANK ROBBERY

WE READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPER.
WELL, UH, THE BANK ROBBERY
WAS LAST TUESDAY.

WELL, UH, THE BANK ROBBERY
WAS LAST TUESDAY.
THE EVILDOER SHALL BE

WAS LAST TUESDAY.
THE EVILDOER SHALL BE
STRICKEN AND FALL, LIKE UNTO THE

THE EVILDOER SHALL BE
STRICKEN AND FALL, LIKE UNTO THE
OVERRIPE FIG, SO SAITH THE

STRICKEN AND FALL, LIKE UNTO THE
OVERRIPE FIG, SO SAITH THE
LORD.

OVERRIPE FIG, SO SAITH THE
LORD.
MAY WE BE OF SOME HELP?

LORD.
MAY WE BE OF SOME HELP?
UH... NO, I... I THINK

MAY WE BE OF SOME HELP?
UH... NO, I... I THINK
EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.

UH... NO, I... I THINK
EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.
THE, UH... THE ROBBERS WERE

EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.
THE, UH... THE ROBBERS WERE
CAUGHT.

THE, UH... THE ROBBERS WERE
CAUGHT.
UH, THEY WERE ARRAIGNED

CAUGHT.
UH, THEY WERE ARRAIGNED
YESTERDAY, I THINK, AND THEY'RE

UH, THEY WERE ARRAIGNED
YESTERDAY, I THINK, AND THEY'RE
GONNA BE UP FOR TRIAL ON FRIDAY.

YESTERDAY, I THINK, AND THEY'RE
GONNA BE UP FOR TRIAL ON FRIDAY.
WELL, THEN, OUR WORK IS DONE.

GONNA BE UP FOR TRIAL ON FRIDAY.
WELL, THEN, OUR WORK IS DONE.
NEXT WEEK ON "A.M.I.S.H.,"

WELL, THEN, OUR WORK IS DONE.
NEXT WEEK ON "A.M.I.S.H.,"
THE OTHER CHEEK.

NEXT WEEK ON "A.M.I.S.H.,"
THE OTHER CHEEK.
WATCH FOR IT.

[FANFARE PLAYS]
Both: HER ROYAL HIGHNESS,
QUEEN OF ALL RUSSIA,

Both: HER ROYAL HIGHNESS,
QUEEN OF ALL RUSSIA,
CATHERINE THE GREAT.

QUEEN OF ALL RUSSIA,
CATHERINE THE GREAT.
YOUR... YOUR MAJESTY IS

CATHERINE THE GREAT.
YOUR... YOUR MAJESTY IS
LOOKING LOVELY TODAY.

LOOKING LOVELY TODAY.
OH, I'M SORRY, GREGNOVICH,

OH, I'M SORRY, GREGNOVICH,
BUT MY HEART IS HEAVY TODAY.

BUT MY HEART IS HEAVY TODAY.
I'M GOING TO RENDEZVOUS SOON.

I'M GOING TO RENDEZVOUS SOON.
I CANNOT HAVE ANY AUDIENCE.

I CANNOT HAVE ANY AUDIENCE.
NO AUDIENCE TODAY.
VERY WELL.

NO AUDIENCE TODAY.
VERY WELL.
YOUR MAJESTY, YOUR MAJESTY,

VERY WELL.
YOUR MAJESTY, YOUR MAJESTY,
YOU MUST LISTEN.

YOUR MAJESTY, YOUR MAJESTY,
YOU MUST LISTEN.
YOU MUST HEAR ME.

YOU MUST LISTEN.
YOU MUST HEAR ME.
OUTSIDE THE PALACE...

YOU MUST HEAR ME.
OUTSIDE THE PALACE...
OUTSIDE THE PALACE, THESE

OUTSIDE THE PALACE...
OUTSIDE THE PALACE, THESE
PEASANTS ARE STARVING.

OUTSIDE THE PALACE, THESE
PEASANTS ARE STARVING.
IN WINTER, WE EAT NOTHING BUT

PEASANTS ARE STARVING.
IN WINTER, WE EAT NOTHING BUT
POTATOES, BREAD, VODKA, SOUP,

IN WINTER, WE EAT NOTHING BUT
POTATOES, BREAD, VODKA, SOUP,
MEAT, UH...

POTATOES, BREAD, VODKA, SOUP,
MEAT, UH...
OCCASIONALLY, A SALAD WITH SOME

MEAT, UH...
OCCASIONALLY, A SALAD WITH SOME
RUSSIAN DRESSING.

OCCASIONALLY, A SALAD WITH SOME
RUSSIAN DRESSING.
WE HAVE, UH...

RUSSIAN DRESSING.
WE HAVE, UH...
WHO IS THIS?

WE HAVE, UH...
WHO IS THIS?
WHO ARE YOU?!

WHO IS THIS?
WHO ARE YOU?!
WHO ARE YOU?

WHO ARE YOU?!
WHO ARE YOU?
I AM THE RABBLE.

WHO ARE YOU?
I AM THE RABBLE.
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE OF

I AM THE RABBLE.
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE OF
YOU... A RABBLE.

BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE OF
YOU... A RABBLE.
OKAY, A RABBLE, A RABBLE.

YOU... A RABBLE.
OKAY, A RABBLE, A RABBLE.
LIGHTEN UP ON ME.

OKAY, A RABBLE, A RABBLE.
LIGHTEN UP ON ME.
YOUR MAJESTY...

LIGHTEN UP ON ME.
YOUR MAJESTY...
YOUR MAJESTY, LISTEN TO ME.

YOUR MAJESTY...
YOUR MAJESTY, LISTEN TO ME.
I COME FROM A LITTLE VILLAGE

YOUR MAJESTY, LISTEN TO ME.
I COME FROM A LITTLE VILLAGE
OUTSIDE OF MINSK.

I COME FROM A LITTLE VILLAGE
OUTSIDE OF MINSK.
[HUMMING]

OUTSIDE OF MINSK.
[HUMMING]
WE ARE POOR PEOPLE BUT PROUD

[HUMMING]
WE ARE POOR PEOPLE BUT PROUD
PEOPLE.

WE ARE POOR PEOPLE BUT PROUD
PEOPLE.
MY FATHER... MY FATHER WAS A

PEOPLE.
MY FATHER... MY FATHER WAS A
TENOR UNTIL THE DAY THEY... THE

MY FATHER... MY FATHER WAS A
TENOR UNTIL THE DAY THEY... THE
INVADERS CAME.

TENOR UNTIL THE DAY THEY... THE
INVADERS CAME.
THE INVADERS.

INVADERS CAME.
THE INVADERS.
THE COSSACKS CAME.

THE INVADERS.
THE COSSACKS CAME.
THEY RAIDED OUR VILLAGE, AND

THE COSSACKS CAME.
THEY RAIDED OUR VILLAGE, AND
THEY... AND THEY RAPED MY

THEY RAIDED OUR VILLAGE, AND
THEY... AND THEY RAPED MY
SISTER, AND THEY KILLED MY

THEY... AND THEY RAPED MY
SISTER, AND THEY KILLED MY
FAMILY.

SISTER, AND THEY KILLED MY
FAMILY.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY FAMILY.

FAMILY.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY FAMILY.
NICE-LOOKING SISTER.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY FAMILY.
NICE-LOOKING SISTER.
GIVE ME THAT.

NICE-LOOKING SISTER.
GIVE ME THAT.
HEY.

GIVE ME THAT.
HEY.
THEN I WAS LUCKY.

HEY.
THEN I WAS LUCKY.
I ESCAPED.

THEN I WAS LUCKY.
I ESCAPED.
[HUMMING]

I ESCAPED.
[HUMMING]
I WAS ADOPTED BY ANOTHER

[HUMMING]
I WAS ADOPTED BY ANOTHER
FAMILY.

I WAS ADOPTED BY ANOTHER
FAMILY.
THEN I CAME FROM A LITTLE

FAMILY.
THEN I CAME FROM A LITTLE
VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF KIEV.

THEN I CAME FROM A LITTLE
VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF KIEV.
MY STEPFATHER'S FATHER WAS A

VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF KIEV.
MY STEPFATHER'S FATHER WAS A
KING.

MY STEPFATHER'S FATHER WAS A
KING.
HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A

KING.
HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A
KING.

HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A
KING.
HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A

KING.
HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A
KING.

HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A
KING.
HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A

KING.
HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A
BARBER.

HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A
BARBER.
THREE KINGS AND A BARBER... NOT

BARBER.
THREE KINGS AND A BARBER... NOT
SO BAD.

THREE KINGS AND A BARBER... NOT
SO BAD.
THEN A DAY CAME WHEN THE

SO BAD.
THEN A DAY CAME WHEN THE
INVADERS CAME.

THEN A DAY CAME WHEN THE
INVADERS CAME.
THEY CAME, AND THEY SWARMED OUR

INVADERS CAME.
THEY CAME, AND THEY SWARMED OUR
VILLAGE WITH MILLIONS OF THEM.

THEY CAME, AND THEY SWARMED OUR
VILLAGE WITH MILLIONS OF THEM.
THE LOCUSTS CAME.

VILLAGE WITH MILLIONS OF THEM.
THE LOCUSTS CAME.
THE LOCUSTS CAME.

THE LOCUSTS CAME.
THE LOCUSTS CAME.
ALL OF THE LITTLE BUGS CAME TO

THE LOCUSTS CAME.
ALL OF THE LITTLE BUGS CAME TO
OUR VILLAGE.

ALL OF THE LITTLE BUGS CAME TO
OUR VILLAGE.
BIG LOCUSTS, THEY CAME.

OUR VILLAGE.
BIG LOCUSTS, THEY CAME.
THEY TOOK MY MOTHER, AND THEY

BIG LOCUSTS, THEY CAME.
THEY TOOK MY MOTHER, AND THEY
PUT HER ON TOP OF THE ROOF, AND

THEY TOOK MY MOTHER, AND THEY
PUT HER ON TOP OF THE ROOF, AND
THEY CAME INSIDE.

PUT HER ON TOP OF THE ROOF, AND
THEY CAME INSIDE.
THEY PUT MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER

THEY CAME INSIDE.
THEY PUT MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER
UP AGAINST THE WALL.

THEY PUT MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER
UP AGAINST THE WALL.
THEY THREW MY SISTER DOWN ON THE

UP AGAINST THE WALL.
THEY THREW MY SISTER DOWN ON THE
GROUND, AND THEN THEY STARTED TO

THEY THREW MY SISTER DOWN ON THE
GROUND, AND THEN THEY STARTED TO
DANCE AROUND MY SISTER.

GROUND, AND THEN THEY STARTED TO
DANCE AROUND MY SISTER.
[HUMMING LOUDLY]

DANCE AROUND MY SISTER.
[HUMMING LOUDLY]
THEY DANCED AROUND.

[HUMMING LOUDLY]
THEY DANCED AROUND.
DANCED AROUND MY LITTLE SISTER.

THEY DANCED AROUND.
DANCED AROUND MY LITTLE SISTER.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE LOCUSTS

DANCED AROUND MY LITTLE SISTER.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE LOCUSTS
RAPING MY SISTER.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE LOCUSTS
RAPING MY SISTER.
NICE-LOOKING LOCUSTS.

RAPING MY SISTER.
NICE-LOOKING LOCUSTS.
HEY, COME ON.

NICE-LOOKING LOCUSTS.
HEY, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS.

HEY, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS.
OFF WITH HIS PANTS.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS.
OFF WITH HIS PANTS.
I MEAN HIS HEAD.

OFF WITH HIS PANTS.
I MEAN HIS HEAD.
NO, PANTS.

I MEAN HIS HEAD.
NO, PANTS.
TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.

NO, PANTS.
TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.
HEY, WAIT.

TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.
HEY, WAIT.
OH!

HEY, WAIT.
OH!
YOUR MAJESTY.

OH!
YOUR MAJESTY.
YES.

YOUR MAJESTY.
YES.
YOUR LOVER, RIMSKILIOVICH

YES.
YOUR LOVER, RIMSKILIOVICH
BLITSKINSKIA GREGOROVICHNIK IS

YOUR LOVER, RIMSKILIOVICH
BLITSKINSKIA GREGOROVICHNIK IS
WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR BOUDOIR.

BLITSKINSKIA GREGOROVICHNIK IS
WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR BOUDOIR.
OH, RIMSKILIOVICH

WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR BOUDOIR.
OH, RIMSKILIOVICH
BLITSKINSKIA...

OH, RIMSKILIOVICH
BLITSKINSKIA...
[COUGHS]

BLITSKINSKIA...
[COUGHS]
GREGOROVICHNIK.

[COUGHS]
GREGOROVICHNIK.
[LAUGHS]

GREGOROVICHNIK.
[LAUGHS]
ENOUGH OF AFFAIRS OF THE ESTATE.

[LAUGHS]
ENOUGH OF AFFAIRS OF THE ESTATE.
NOW FOR AFFAIRS OF THE HEART.

ENOUGH OF AFFAIRS OF THE ESTATE.
NOW FOR AFFAIRS OF THE HEART.
[CHUCKLES]

NOW FOR AFFAIRS OF THE HEART.
[CHUCKLES]
IT IS RUMORED THAT

[CHUCKLES]
IT IS RUMORED THAT
RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA...

IT IS RUMORED THAT
RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA...
[COUGHING]

RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA...
[COUGHING]
GREGOROVICHNIK IS LOWLY BORN.

[COUGHING]
GREGOROVICHNIK IS LOWLY BORN.
MM-HMM.

GREGOROVICHNIK IS LOWLY BORN.
MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, I AM SO WORRIED

MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, I AM SO WORRIED
ABOUT THE EMPRESS.

YOU KNOW, I AM SO WORRIED
ABOUT THE EMPRESS.
SHE IS SO PASSIONATE.

ABOUT THE EMPRESS.
SHE IS SO PASSIONATE.
OH, I AM SURE SHE WILL DIE OF

SHE IS SO PASSIONATE.
OH, I AM SURE SHE WILL DIE OF
LOVE.

DARLING!
OH, MY LITTLE POOCHNIK, GIVE ME
A KISS.

OH, MY LITTLE POOCHNIK, GIVE ME
A KISS.
[SMOOCHES]

A KISS.
[SMOOCHES]
OH, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR MOODS,

[SMOOCHES]
OH, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR MOODS,
YOU KNOW.

OH, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR MOODS,
YOU KNOW.
WELL, IT'S YOU, CATHY.

YOU KNOW.
WELL, IT'S YOU, CATHY.
YOU NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ME

WELL, IT'S YOU, CATHY.
YOU NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ME
ANYMORE.

YOU NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ME
ANYMORE.
I'M HERE NOW, AREN'T I?

ANYMORE.
I'M HERE NOW, AREN'T I?
WELL, WELL, WILBUR, WE NEVER

I'M HERE NOW, AREN'T I?
WELL, WELL, WILBUR, WE NEVER
GO ANYWHERE TOGETHER.

WELL, WELL, WILBUR, WE NEVER
GO ANYWHERE TOGETHER.
WE NEVER SEE PEOPLE.

GO ANYWHERE TOGETHER.
WE NEVER SEE PEOPLE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WE NEVER SEE PEOPLE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WHAT ABOUT THE PARADE?

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WHAT ABOUT THE PARADE?
OH, THE PARADE WAS A MONTH

WHAT ABOUT THE PARADE?
OH, THE PARADE WAS A MONTH
AGO.

OH, THE PARADE WAS A MONTH
AGO.
OH, I THINK YOU'RE JUST

AGO.
OH, I THINK YOU'RE JUST
JEALOUS OF MY WORK.

OH, I THINK YOU'RE JUST
JEALOUS OF MY WORK.
MAYBE IT'S MY PRIDE.

JEALOUS OF MY WORK.
MAYBE IT'S MY PRIDE.
I GUESS I...

MAYBE IT'S MY PRIDE.
I GUESS I...
I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE

I GUESS I...
I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE
MR. CATHERINE THE GREAT.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE
MR. CATHERINE THE GREAT.
BUT, POOCHNIK, SNOWBALL, I

MR. CATHERINE THE GREAT.
BUT, POOCHNIK, SNOWBALL, I
WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP FOR YOU.

BUT, POOCHNIK, SNOWBALL, I
WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP FOR YOU.
AREN'T I SILLY?

WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP FOR YOU.
AREN'T I SILLY?
I WOULD GIVE UP MY KINGDOM FOR A

AREN'T I SILLY?
I WOULD GIVE UP MY KINGDOM FOR A
HORSE.

I WOULD GIVE UP MY KINGDOM FOR A
HORSE.
OH, I COULD NEVER ASK YOU TO

HORSE.
OH, I COULD NEVER ASK YOU TO
DO THAT, CATHY.

OH, I COULD NEVER ASK YOU TO
DO THAT, CATHY.
OH, WELL, I GUESS I AM QUEEN,

DO THAT, CATHY.
OH, WELL, I GUESS I AM QUEEN,
AND A QUEEN IS A QUEEN, BUT I'M

OH, WELL, I GUESS I AM QUEEN,
AND A QUEEN IS A QUEEN, BUT I'M
ALSO A WOMAN, AND A WOMAN IS A

AND A QUEEN IS A QUEEN, BUT I'M
ALSO A WOMAN, AND A WOMAN IS A
WOMAN.

ALSO A WOMAN, AND A WOMAN IS A
WOMAN.
AND A HORSE IS A HORSE.

WOMAN.
AND A HORSE IS A HORSE.
OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

AND A HORSE IS A HORSE.
OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
OH, WHAT WE ARE SAYING.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
OH, WHAT WE ARE SAYING.
WHY... WHY DO WE ARGUE THIS WAY?

OH, WHAT WE ARE SAYING.
WHY... WHY DO WE ARGUE THIS WAY?
WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?

WHY... WHY DO WE ARGUE THIS WAY?
WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?
WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?
WHAT IS IT?
OH, I'M SORRY, CATHY.

WHAT IS IT?
OH, I'M SORRY, CATHY.
OH, GOLLY.

OH, I'M SORRY, CATHY.
OH, GOLLY.
[NEIGHS]

OH, GOLLY.
[NEIGHS]
DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR THIS WAY?

[NEIGHS]
DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR THIS WAY?
I LOVE YOUR HAIR ANY WAY,

DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR THIS WAY?
I LOVE YOUR HAIR ANY WAY,
CATHERINE.

I LOVE YOUR HAIR ANY WAY,
CATHERINE.
OH, DARLING, DO YOU STILL

CATHERINE.
OH, DARLING, DO YOU STILL
LOVE ME?

OH, DARLING, DO YOU STILL
LOVE ME?
BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

LOVE ME?
BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
OH, KISS ME.

BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
OH, KISS ME.
[SMOOCHING]

OH, KISS ME.
[SMOOCHING]
[NEIGHING]

[LAUGHTER]
[Imitating Snowball]
TONIGHT, GARY WEIS' FILM...

[Imitating Snowball]
TONIGHT, GARY WEIS' FILM...
[Normal voice] ...IS ABOUT

TONIGHT, GARY WEIS' FILM...
[Normal voice] ...IS ABOUT
GEORGE SCHULTZ, WHO OWNS ONE OF

[Normal voice] ...IS ABOUT
GEORGE SCHULTZ, WHO OWNS ONE OF
THE FEW NIGHT CLUBS IN THE

GEORGE SCHULTZ, WHO OWNS ONE OF
THE FEW NIGHT CLUBS IN THE
NEW YORK AREA THAT SHOWCASES

THE FEW NIGHT CLUBS IN THE
NEW YORK AREA THAT SHOWCASES
YOUNG TALENT.

NEW YORK AREA THAT SHOWCASES
YOUNG TALENT.
WON'T YOU PLEASE WATCH?

I WAS BORN AND RAISED HERE IN
BROOKLYN.
I LIKE LIVING HERE IN

BROOKLYN.
I LIKE LIVING HERE IN
SHEEPSHEAD BAY IN BROOKLYN.

I LIKE LIVING HERE IN
SHEEPSHEAD BAY IN BROOKLYN.
AND SO I OPENED THIS CLUB,

SHEEPSHEAD BAY IN BROOKLYN.
AND SO I OPENED THIS CLUB,
HAVING BEEN A COMEDIAN, A PLACE

AND SO I OPENED THIS CLUB,
HAVING BEEN A COMEDIAN, A PLACE
FOR NEW, YOUNG COMEDIANS TO

HAVING BEEN A COMEDIAN, A PLACE
FOR NEW, YOUNG COMEDIANS TO
START OUT, YOU KNOW.

FOR NEW, YOUNG COMEDIANS TO
START OUT, YOU KNOW.
WELL, ONE DAY, I GOT A CALL FROM

START OUT, YOU KNOW.
WELL, ONE DAY, I GOT A CALL FROM
BINGHAMTON, NEW YORK.

WELL, ONE DAY, I GOT A CALL FROM
BINGHAMTON, NEW YORK.
SO, BOB COMES IN FRIDAY NIGHT.

BINGHAMTON, NEW YORK.
SO, BOB COMES IN FRIDAY NIGHT.
INTO THE TOILET.

SO, BOB COMES IN FRIDAY NIGHT.
INTO THE TOILET.
ABSOLUTE DISASTER.

INTO THE TOILET.
ABSOLUTE DISASTER.
I HAD PAINS IN MY STOMACH.

ABSOLUTE DISASTER.
I HAD PAINS IN MY STOMACH.
JUST AWFUL... NOT A LAUGH.

I HAD PAINS IN MY STOMACH.
JUST AWFUL... NOT A LAUGH.
IT WAS JUST, LIKE, RIDICULOUS

JUST AWFUL... NOT A LAUGH.
IT WAS JUST, LIKE, RIDICULOUS
FOR 30 MINUTES.

IT WAS JUST, LIKE, RIDICULOUS
FOR 30 MINUTES.
I FIGURED, "I'M IN TROUBLE," YOU

FOR 30 MINUTES.
I FIGURED, "I'M IN TROUBLE," YOU
KNOW, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO

I FIGURED, "I'M IN TROUBLE," YOU
KNOW, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO.

KNOW, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO.
I DIDN'T WANT TO CANCEL HIM.

DO.
I DIDN'T WANT TO CANCEL HIM.
THAT HAD BEEN DONE TO ME WHEN I

I DIDN'T WANT TO CANCEL HIM.
THAT HAD BEEN DONE TO ME WHEN I
WAS A KID.

THAT HAD BEEN DONE TO ME WHEN I
WAS A KID.
I WAS CANCELED FROM A JOB.

WAS A KID.
I WAS CANCELED FROM A JOB.
IT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO

I WAS CANCELED FROM A JOB.
IT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO
TO ANYONE.

IT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO
TO ANYONE.
I CRIED. I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

TO ANYONE.
I CRIED. I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD TOLD ME THIS

I CRIED. I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD TOLD ME THIS
STORY, TOO, WHEN WE WERE KIDS

RODNEY DANGERFIELD TOLD ME THIS
STORY, TOO, WHEN WE WERE KIDS
STARTING OUT.

STORY, TOO, WHEN WE WERE KIDS
STARTING OUT.
HE ONCE GOT CANCELED, YOU KNOW,

STARTING OUT.
HE ONCE GOT CANCELED, YOU KNOW,
WITH A TELEPHONE OR THE MIKE.

HE ONCE GOT CANCELED, YOU KNOW,
WITH A TELEPHONE OR THE MIKE.
AND I WAS COMMITTED.

WITH A TELEPHONE OR THE MIKE.
AND I WAS COMMITTED.
THE GUY CAME FROM BINGHAMTON.

AND I WAS COMMITTED.
THE GUY CAME FROM BINGHAMTON.
I SAID, "OH, I'M JUST GONNA GO

THE GUY CAME FROM BINGHAMTON.
I SAID, "OH, I'M JUST GONNA GO
THROUGH IT, AND THAT'S IT."

I SAID, "OH, I'M JUST GONNA GO
THROUGH IT, AND THAT'S IT."
BUT WHAT I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT

THROUGH IT, AND THAT'S IT."
BUT WHAT I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT
WAS WE HAD BOOKED IN AN

BUT WHAT I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT
WAS WE HAD BOOKED IN AN
ORGANIZATION FOR THE FOLLOWING

WAS WE HAD BOOKED IN AN
ORGANIZATION FOR THE FOLLOWING
NIGHT.

ORGANIZATION FOR THE FOLLOWING
NIGHT.
THIS WAS AN ORGANIZATION OF

NIGHT.
THIS WAS AN ORGANIZATION OF
ADULT RETARDED PEOPLE WHO...

THIS WAS AN ORGANIZATION OF
ADULT RETARDED PEOPLE WHO...
THEY WERE THE KIND OF PEOPLE

ADULT RETARDED PEOPLE WHO...
THEY WERE THE KIND OF PEOPLE
THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO...

THEY WERE THE KIND OF PEOPLE
THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO...
I KNEW SOME PEOPLE IN IT.

THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO...
I KNEW SOME PEOPLE IN IT.
I HAD KNOWN THE FAMILY OF A

I KNEW SOME PEOPLE IN IT.
I HAD KNOWN THE FAMILY OF A
MARRIED COUPLE WHO WERE IN THIS

I HAD KNOWN THE FAMILY OF A
MARRIED COUPLE WHO WERE IN THIS
CENTER, AND THEY ASKED US.

MARRIED COUPLE WHO WERE IN THIS
CENTER, AND THEY ASKED US.
THEY SAID, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE

CENTER, AND THEY ASKED US.
THEY SAID, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE
NEVER BEEN TO A NIGHTCLUB AND

THEY SAID, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE
NEVER BEEN TO A NIGHTCLUB AND
SEEN A SHOW."

NEVER BEEN TO A NIGHTCLUB AND
SEEN A SHOW."
THEY TRIED TO BOOK THEM IN

SEEN A SHOW."
THEY TRIED TO BOOK THEM IN
VARIOUS PLACES.

THEY TRIED TO BOOK THEM IN
VARIOUS PLACES.
NO ONE WOULD TAKE THEM BECAUSE

VARIOUS PLACES.
NO ONE WOULD TAKE THEM BECAUSE
THEY FOUND OUT THEY'RE RETARDED,

NO ONE WOULD TAKE THEM BECAUSE
THEY FOUND OUT THEY'RE RETARDED,
YOU KNOW... SLIGHTLY RETARDED.

THEY FOUND OUT THEY'RE RETARDED,
YOU KNOW... SLIGHTLY RETARDED.
AND, WELL, WE BOOK THEM.

YOU KNOW... SLIGHTLY RETARDED.
AND, WELL, WE BOOK THEM.
SO WE SAID, "YEAH, OKAY."

AND, WELL, WE BOOK THEM.
SO WE SAID, "YEAH, OKAY."
YOU KNOW, WE MADE A VERY GOOD

SO WE SAID, "YEAH, OKAY."
YOU KNOW, WE MADE A VERY GOOD
DEAL FOR THEM, AND THE PLACE WAS

YOU KNOW, WE MADE A VERY GOOD
DEAL FOR THEM, AND THE PLACE WAS
SOLD-OUT, LIKE OVER 100 PEOPLE

DEAL FOR THEM, AND THE PLACE WAS
SOLD-OUT, LIKE OVER 100 PEOPLE
FOR THE NEXT NIGHT, YOU KNOW.

SOLD-OUT, LIKE OVER 100 PEOPLE
FOR THE NEXT NIGHT, YOU KNOW.
AND I'M THINKING, "JEEZ, YOU

FOR THE NEXT NIGHT, YOU KNOW.
AND I'M THINKING, "JEEZ, YOU
KNOW, I'VE GOT THIS GUY, YOU

AND I'M THINKING, "JEEZ, YOU
KNOW, I'VE GOT THIS GUY, YOU
KNOW, IN TROUBLE, YOU KNOW."

KNOW, I'VE GOT THIS GUY, YOU
KNOW, IN TROUBLE, YOU KNOW."
WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE AND I

KNOW, IN TROUBLE, YOU KNOW."
WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE AND I
FOUND OUT WAS, THESE PEOPLE, YOU

WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE AND I
FOUND OUT WAS, THESE PEOPLE, YOU
KNOW, HAD NEVER BEEN

FOUND OUT WAS, THESE PEOPLE, YOU
KNOW, HAD NEVER BEEN
ENTERTAINED, NEVER SEEN A

KNOW, HAD NEVER BEEN
ENTERTAINED, NEVER SEEN A
COMEDIAN, NEVER BEEN TO A

ENTERTAINED, NEVER SEEN A
COMEDIAN, NEVER BEEN TO A
NIGHTCLUB, AND IT WAS THE KIND

COMEDIAN, NEVER BEEN TO A
NIGHTCLUB, AND IT WAS THE KIND
OF AUDIENCE... I MEAN, ALL YOU

NIGHTCLUB, AND IT WAS THE KIND
OF AUDIENCE... I MEAN, ALL YOU
HAD TO DO WAS GO...

OF AUDIENCE... I MEAN, ALL YOU
HAD TO DO WAS GO...
[HONKS]

HAD TO DO WAS GO...
[HONKS]
THEY WOULD LAUGH.

[HONKS]
THEY WOULD LAUGH.
THIS, I FOUND OUT LATER.

THEY WOULD LAUGH.
THIS, I FOUND OUT LATER.
WELL, ANYWAY, THE PLACE IS DARK,

THIS, I FOUND OUT LATER.
WELL, ANYWAY, THE PLACE IS DARK,
YOU KNOW, IN THE EVENING, AND

WELL, ANYWAY, THE PLACE IS DARK,
YOU KNOW, IN THE EVENING, AND
BOB COMES IN TO WORK, RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IN THE EVENING, AND
BOB COMES IN TO WORK, RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T LOOK TOO

BOB COMES IN TO WORK, RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T LOOK TOO
CLOSE, SEES THE PLACE IS JAMMED,

YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T LOOK TOO
CLOSE, SEES THE PLACE IS JAMMED,
SAID, "HEY, GOOD BUSINESS."

CLOSE, SEES THE PLACE IS JAMMED,
SAID, "HEY, GOOD BUSINESS."
BUT IF YOU LOOKED CLOSE, YOU

SAID, "HEY, GOOD BUSINESS."
BUT IF YOU LOOKED CLOSE, YOU
COULD SEE, YEP, THERE'S A HEAD

BUT IF YOU LOOKED CLOSE, YOU
COULD SEE, YEP, THERE'S A HEAD
HERE AND THERE A LITTLE TOO BIG,

COULD SEE, YEP, THERE'S A HEAD
HERE AND THERE A LITTLE TOO BIG,
MAYBE, A LITTLE WETNESS UNDER A

HERE AND THERE A LITTLE TOO BIG,
MAYBE, A LITTLE WETNESS UNDER A
LIP HERE AND THERE, BUT YOU

MAYBE, A LITTLE WETNESS UNDER A
LIP HERE AND THERE, BUT YOU
DON'T LOOK.

LIP HERE AND THERE, BUT YOU
DON'T LOOK.
YOU KNOW, HE'S ANXIOUS TO GO ON.

DON'T LOOK.
YOU KNOW, HE'S ANXIOUS TO GO ON.
RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE JOKE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S ANXIOUS TO GO ON.
RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE JOKE.
ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S INTRODUCED.

RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE JOKE.
ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S INTRODUCED.
HE GOES ON.

ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S INTRODUCED.
HE GOES ON.
FORGET ABOUT IT.

HE GOES ON.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE IN THE

FORGET ABOUT IT.
THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE IN THE
HISTORY OF SHOW BUSINESS.

THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE IN THE
HISTORY OF SHOW BUSINESS.
NOBODY EVER... FOR 40 MINUTES

HISTORY OF SHOW BUSINESS.
NOBODY EVER... FOR 40 MINUTES
ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHED THEM.

NOBODY EVER... FOR 40 MINUTES
ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHED THEM.
THERE WERE SCREAMS.

ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHED THEM.
THERE WERE SCREAMS.
STRAIGHT LINES, EVERY LINE WAS

THERE WERE SCREAMS.
STRAIGHT LINES, EVERY LINE WAS
PANDEMONIUM.

STRAIGHT LINES, EVERY LINE WAS
PANDEMONIUM.
NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN A

PANDEMONIUM.
NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN A
PERFORMANCE LIKE THIS.

NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN A
PERFORMANCE LIKE THIS.
FORGET ABOUT IT.

PERFORMANCE LIKE THIS.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
THESE PEOPLE, LIKE, WERE JUST

FORGET ABOUT IT.
THESE PEOPLE, LIKE, WERE JUST
LIKE, WILD, ALL RIGHT.

THESE PEOPLE, LIKE, WERE JUST
LIKE, WILD, ALL RIGHT.
HE GETS FINISHED.

LIKE, WILD, ALL RIGHT.
HE GETS FINISHED.
HE WALKS OFF.

HE GETS FINISHED.
HE WALKS OFF.
HE'S SWEATING.

HE WALKS OFF.
HE'S SWEATING.
LIKE, THE NOSTRILS ARE FLARING

HE'S SWEATING.
LIKE, THE NOSTRILS ARE FLARING
WITH THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS.

LIKE, THE NOSTRILS ARE FLARING
WITH THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS.
HE'S ALL FLUSHED... BOB, RIGHT.

WITH THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS.
HE'S ALL FLUSHED... BOB, RIGHT.
HE DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO GET PAID.

HE'S ALL FLUSHED... BOB, RIGHT.
HE DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO GET PAID.
LEFT, RIGHT?

HE DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO GET PAID.
LEFT, RIGHT?
I HAD TO SEND HIM HIS CHECK,

LEFT, RIGHT?
I HAD TO SEND HIM HIS CHECK,
OKAY.

I HAD TO SEND HIM HIS CHECK,
OKAY.
HE NEVER KNEW WHO THIS AUDIENCE

OKAY.
HE NEVER KNEW WHO THIS AUDIENCE
WAS.

HE NEVER KNEW WHO THIS AUDIENCE
WAS.
THIS IS, LIKE, 12 YEARS AGO.

WAS.
THIS IS, LIKE, 12 YEARS AGO.
IT'S SOMETHING I GOT INTO ABOUT

THIS IS, LIKE, 12 YEARS AGO.
IT'S SOMETHING I GOT INTO ABOUT
A YEAR AGO, TWO YEARS AGO.

IT'S SOMETHING I GOT INTO ABOUT
A YEAR AGO, TWO YEARS AGO.
IT RELAXES ME.

A YEAR AGO, TWO YEARS AGO.
IT RELAXES ME.
I DON'T BLINK.

IT RELAXES ME.
I DON'T BLINK.
I GUESS YOU'VE SEEN THE BLINK.

I DON'T BLINK.
I GUESS YOU'VE SEEN THE BLINK.
THE BLINKING STARTED...

I GUESS YOU'VE SEEN THE BLINK.
THE BLINKING STARTED...
ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO, I BROKE

THE BLINKING STARTED...
ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO, I BROKE
UP WITH MY WIFE, YOU KNOW, AND

ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO, I BROKE
UP WITH MY WIFE, YOU KNOW, AND
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REAL NERVOUS

UP WITH MY WIFE, YOU KNOW, AND
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REAL NERVOUS
GUY.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REAL NERVOUS
GUY.
SINCE I'M A TEENAGER, I USED TO

GUY.
SINCE I'M A TEENAGER, I USED TO
DO THIS, YOU KNOW.

SINCE I'M A TEENAGER, I USED TO
DO THIS, YOU KNOW.
SO NOW I'VE GOT THIS ONE GOING

DO THIS, YOU KNOW.
SO NOW I'VE GOT THIS ONE GOING
NOW, YOU KNOW.

SO NOW I'VE GOT THIS ONE GOING
NOW, YOU KNOW.
THEN I DON'T KNOW IF IT STARTED

NOW, YOU KNOW.
THEN I DON'T KNOW IF IT STARTED
WITH THE FISHING, BUT A YEAR AGO

THEN I DON'T KNOW IF IT STARTED
WITH THE FISHING, BUT A YEAR AGO
I STARTED THIS ONE.

WITH THE FISHING, BUT A YEAR AGO
I STARTED THIS ONE.
IT'S THE TRUTH.

I STARTED THIS ONE.
IT'S THE TRUTH.
SO WHEN THE ANXIETIES ARE

IT'S THE TRUTH.
SO WHEN THE ANXIETIES ARE
GETTING ME REAL NICE, IT'S THIS.

SO WHEN THE ANXIETIES ARE
GETTING ME REAL NICE, IT'S THIS.
BUT... BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS

GETTING ME REAL NICE, IT'S THIS.
BUT... BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS
AGO... I WASN'T...

BUT... BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS
AGO... I WASN'T...
I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING.

AGO... I WASN'T...
I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING.
I HAD A NIBBLE... NO.

I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING.
I HAD A NIBBLE... NO.
BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO...

I HAD A NIBBLE... NO.
BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO...
I WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF THIS.

BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO...
I WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF THIS.
I THINK IT WAS MY YOUNGEST SON,

I WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF THIS.
I THINK IT WAS MY YOUNGEST SON,
SETH, SAID, "DAD, WHAT ARE YOU

I THINK IT WAS MY YOUNGEST SON,
SETH, SAID, "DAD, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING?"

SETH, SAID, "DAD, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING?"
I WAS WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE,

DOING?"
I WAS WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE,
AND I HAD DEVELOPED A NEW BEAUT,

I WAS WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE,
AND I HAD DEVELOPED A NEW BEAUT,
A NICE CUTIE.

AND I HAD DEVELOPED A NEW BEAUT,
A NICE CUTIE.
I WAS DOING THIS.

A NICE CUTIE.
I WAS DOING THIS.
HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM.

I WAS DOING THIS.
HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR IT.

HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR IT.
HMM, HMM, HMM.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR IT.
HMM, HMM, HMM.
"WHAT ARE DOING?"

HMM, HMM, HMM.
"WHAT ARE DOING?"
I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW."

"WHAT ARE DOING?"
I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW."
YOU KNOW, SO IT'S A NEW ONE.

I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW."
YOU KNOW, SO IT'S A NEW ONE.
SO PEOPLE, I GUESS, TEND TO WANT

YOU KNOW, SO IT'S A NEW ONE.
SO PEOPLE, I GUESS, TEND TO WANT
TO BE NEAR SOMEONE.

SO PEOPLE, I GUESS, TEND TO WANT
TO BE NEAR SOMEONE.
SO SOMEONE ALWAYS SITS MAYBE A

TO BE NEAR SOMEONE.
SO SOMEONE ALWAYS SITS MAYBE A
CHAIR AWAY OR SOMETHING.

SO SOMEONE ALWAYS SITS MAYBE A
CHAIR AWAY OR SOMETHING.
AND NOW I'M HAVING THE COFFEE,

CHAIR AWAY OR SOMETHING.
AND NOW I'M HAVING THE COFFEE,
NOT AWARE THAT I'M GOING, "HMM,

AND NOW I'M HAVING THE COFFEE,
NOT AWARE THAT I'M GOING, "HMM,
HMM," AND YOU KIND OF SENSE WHEN

NOT AWARE THAT I'M GOING, "HMM,
HMM," AND YOU KIND OF SENSE WHEN
SOMEONE'S STARING AT YOU.

HMM," AND YOU KIND OF SENSE WHEN
SOMEONE'S STARING AT YOU.
SO I REALIZED SOMEONE'S LOOKING

SOMEONE'S STARING AT YOU.
SO I REALIZED SOMEONE'S LOOKING
AT ME, YOU KNOW.

SO I REALIZED SOMEONE'S LOOKING
AT ME, YOU KNOW.
IT'S A GUY... A BUS DRIVER.

AT ME, YOU KNOW.
IT'S A GUY... A BUS DRIVER.
IT WAS A FISHERMAN.

IT'S A GUY... A BUS DRIVER.
IT WAS A FISHERMAN.
AND I REALIZE THEY'RE HEARING,

IT WAS A FISHERMAN.
AND I REALIZE THEY'RE HEARING,
"HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM."

AND I REALIZE THEY'RE HEARING,
"HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM."
SO IT'S EMBARRASSING.

"HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM."
SO IT'S EMBARRASSING.
SO I START TO PRETEND I'M

SO IT'S EMBARRASSING.
SO I START TO PRETEND I'M
HUMMING.

SO I START TO PRETEND I'M
HUMMING.
YOU KNOW, I DID KENNY RANKIN THE

HUMMING.
YOU KNOW, I DID KENNY RANKIN THE
OTHER NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I DID KENNY RANKIN THE
OTHER NIGHT.
I DID "CAROUSEL," A WHOLE

OTHER NIGHT.
I DID "CAROUSEL," A WHOLE
MEDLEY.

I DID "CAROUSEL," A WHOLE
MEDLEY.
[HUMMING]

MEDLEY.
[HUMMING]
SO THAT'S WHY I FISH.

[HUMMING]
SO THAT'S WHY I FISH.
I DON'T BLINK WHEN I FISH,

SO THAT'S WHY I FISH.
I DON'T BLINK WHEN I FISH,
USUALLY.

I DON'T BLINK WHEN I FISH,
USUALLY.
ONE OF THESE ONCE IN A WHILE.

USUALLY.
ONE OF THESE ONCE IN A WHILE.
OR ONE OF THESE.

ONE OF THESE ONCE IN A WHILE.
OR ONE OF THESE.
SO I FISH AWAY, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

Announcer: NOW, ONCE AGAIN,
HERE'S JOHN PRINE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S JOHN PRINE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS IS A... THIS IS A SONG

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS IS A... THIS IS A SONG
FROM A STORY MY GRANDFATHER TOLD

THIS IS A... THIS IS A SONG
FROM A STORY MY GRANDFATHER TOLD
ME ABOUT A FAMILY THAT WENT OUT

FROM A STORY MY GRANDFATHER TOLD
ME ABOUT A FAMILY THAT WENT OUT
FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE AND THEY

ME ABOUT A FAMILY THAT WENT OUT
FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE AND THEY
NEVER CAME BACK.

FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE AND THEY
NEVER CAME BACK.
IT'S CALLED

NEVER CAME BACK.
IT'S CALLED
"THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE."

♪ HERE'S THE STORY OF A MAN AND
HIS FAMILY ♪
♪ AND A BIG TRIP THAT THEY

HIS FAMILY ♪
♪ AND A BIG TRIP THAT THEY
TOOK ♪

♪ AND A BIG TRIP THAT THEY
TOOK ♪
♪ I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT IN A

TOOK ♪
♪ I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT IN A
RESTAURANT ♪

♪ I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT IN A
RESTAURANT ♪
♪ AND I READ IT IN A HISTORY

RESTAURANT ♪
♪ AND I READ IT IN A HISTORY
BOOK ♪

♪ AND I READ IT IN A HISTORY
BOOK ♪
♪ THEY RENTED A CAR AT THE

BOOK ♪
♪ THEY RENTED A CAR AT THE
ERIE CANAL ♪

♪ THEY RENTED A CAR AT THE
ERIE CANAL ♪
♪ BUT THE CAR DIDN'T HAVE NO

ERIE CANAL ♪
♪ BUT THE CAR DIDN'T HAVE NO
BRAKE ♪

♪ BUT THE CAR DIDN'T HAVE NO
BRAKE ♪
♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS

BRAKE ♪
♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS
CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE

♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS
CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE
BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪

CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE
BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪
♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS

BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪
♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS
CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE

♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS
CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE
BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪

CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE
BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪
♪ MAMA TURNED TO DADDY WITH A

BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪
♪ MAMA TURNED TO DADDY WITH A
PALE FACE ♪

♪ MAMA TURNED TO DADDY WITH A
PALE FACE ♪
♪ SAID, "I'VE DONE SOMETHING

PALE FACE ♪
♪ SAID, "I'VE DONE SOMETHING
HORRIBLY WRONG ♪

♪ SAID, "I'VE DONE SOMETHING
HORRIBLY WRONG ♪
♪ THE WATER'S STILL RUNNING IN

HORRIBLY WRONG ♪
♪ THE WATER'S STILL RUNNING IN
THE BATHTUB ♪

♪ THE WATER'S STILL RUNNING IN
THE BATHTUB ♪
♪ AND I THINK I LEFT THE KITCHEN

THE BATHTUB ♪
♪ AND I THINK I LEFT THE KITCHEN
LIGHT ON" ♪

♪ AND I THINK I LEFT THE KITCHEN
LIGHT ON" ♪
♪ THEN I HEARD A CRASH ♪

LIGHT ON" ♪
♪ THEN I HEARD A CRASH ♪
♪ THE CAR WENT SPLASH ♪

♪ THEN I HEARD A CRASH ♪
♪ THE CAR WENT SPLASH ♪
♪ THEN THE COMPASS ROLLED AROUND

♪ THE CAR WENT SPLASH ♪
♪ THEN THE COMPASS ROLLED AROUND
AND AROUND ♪

♪ THEN THE COMPASS ROLLED AROUND
AND AROUND ♪
♪ OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE ♪

AND AROUND ♪
♪ OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE ♪
♪ WE FELL IN A LAKE ♪

♪ OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE ♪
♪ WE FELL IN A LAKE ♪
♪ AND I THINK WE'RE ALL GONNA

♪ WE FELL IN A LAKE ♪
♪ AND I THINK WE'RE ALL GONNA
DROWN ♪

♪ AND I THINK WE'RE ALL GONNA
DROWN ♪
♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪

DROWN ♪
♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪
♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE

♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪
♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE
IN THE GROUND ♪

♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE
IN THE GROUND ♪
♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪

IN THE GROUND ♪
♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪
♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY

♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪
♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY
BREATHE ♪

♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY
BREATHE ♪
♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART

BREATHE ♪
♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪

♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪
♪ THERE WAS PLENTY OF FOOD IN

AGAIN ♪
♪ THERE WAS PLENTY OF FOOD IN
THE BACKSEAT ♪

♪ THERE WAS PLENTY OF FOOD IN
THE BACKSEAT ♪
♪ AND THE WINDOWS WERE ROLLED UP

THE BACKSEAT ♪
♪ AND THE WINDOWS WERE ROLLED UP
TIGHT ♪

♪ AND THE WINDOWS WERE ROLLED UP
TIGHT ♪
♪ SO WE ALL NIBBLED ON A CHICKEN

TIGHT ♪
♪ SO WE ALL NIBBLED ON A CHICKEN
LEG AND TOLD STORIES WAY THROUGH

♪ SO WE ALL NIBBLED ON A CHICKEN
LEG AND TOLD STORIES WAY THROUGH
THE NIGHT ♪

LEG AND TOLD STORIES WAY THROUGH
THE NIGHT ♪
♪ PA TOLD ONE THAT HE TOLD

THE NIGHT ♪
♪ PA TOLD ONE THAT HE TOLD
BEFORE ♪

♪ PA TOLD ONE THAT HE TOLD
BEFORE ♪
♪ AND THE BABY GOT A BELLYACHE ♪

BEFORE ♪
♪ AND THE BABY GOT A BELLYACHE ♪
♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS

♪ AND THE BABY GOT A BELLYACHE ♪
♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS
CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE

♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS
CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE
BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪

CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE
BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪
♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS

BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪
♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS
CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE

♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS
CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE
BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪

CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE
BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪
♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪

BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪
♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪
♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE

♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪
♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE
IN THE GROUND ♪

♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE
IN THE GROUND ♪
♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪

IN THE GROUND ♪
♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪
♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY

♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪
♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY
BREATHE ♪

♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY
BREATHE ♪
♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART

BREATHE ♪
♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪

♪ PAPA PLAYED THE MUSIC ON THE
RADIO ♪
♪ MAMA ROCKED THE BABY TO

RADIO ♪
♪ MAMA ROCKED THE BABY TO
SLEEP ♪

♪ MAMA ROCKED THE BABY TO
SLEEP ♪
♪ HE SAID HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN

SLEEP ♪
♪ HE SAID HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN
THE OTHER ROAD ♪

♪ HE SAID HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN
THE OTHER ROAD ♪
♪ BUT HE DIDN'T THINK THE LAKE

THE OTHER ROAD ♪
♪ BUT HE DIDN'T THINK THE LAKE
WAS THAT DEEP ♪

♪ BUT HE DIDN'T THINK THE LAKE
WAS THAT DEEP ♪
♪ IF THE FERRY HAD BEEN THERE AT

WAS THAT DEEP ♪
♪ IF THE FERRY HAD BEEN THERE AT
THE END OF THE PIER, WE'D BE

♪ IF THE FERRY HAD BEEN THERE AT
THE END OF THE PIER, WE'D BE
HALFWAY TO UNCLE JAKE'S ♪

THE END OF THE PIER, WE'D BE
HALFWAY TO UNCLE JAKE'S ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT

HALFWAY TO UNCLE JAKE'S ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT
THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE

♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT
THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE
BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪

THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE
BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT

BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT
THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE

♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT
THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE
BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪

THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE
BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪
♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪

BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪
♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪
♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE

♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪
♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE
IN THE GROUND ♪

♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE
IN THE GROUND ♪
♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪

IN THE GROUND ♪
♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪
♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY

♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪
♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY
BREATHE ♪

♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY
BREATHE ♪
♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART

BREATHE ♪
♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪

♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪
♪ SO, IF YOU'RE EVER GOING ON A

AGAIN ♪
♪ SO, IF YOU'RE EVER GOING ON A
BIG TRIP ♪

♪ SO, IF YOU'RE EVER GOING ON A
BIG TRIP ♪
♪ YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL OUT

BIG TRIP ♪
♪ YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL OUT
THERE ♪

♪ YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL OUT
THERE ♪
♪ START EVERYTHING ON YOUR GOOD

THERE ♪
♪ START EVERYTHING ON YOUR GOOD
FOOT AND WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR ♪

♪ START EVERYTHING ON YOUR GOOD
FOOT AND WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR ♪
♪ TAKE ALONG A BIBLE IN THE

FOOT AND WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR ♪
♪ TAKE ALONG A BIBLE IN THE
BACKSEAT ♪

♪ TAKE ALONG A BIBLE IN THE
BACKSEAT ♪
♪ READ OF DAVID AND OF SOLOMON ♪

BACKSEAT ♪
♪ READ OF DAVID AND OF SOLOMON ♪
♪ FOR IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE IN

♪ READ OF DAVID AND OF SOLOMON ♪
♪ FOR IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE IN
THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY

♪ FOR IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE IN
THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY
NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART

THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY
NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪

NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪
♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE

AGAIN ♪
♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE
IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY

♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE
IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY
NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART

IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY
NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪

NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪
♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE

AGAIN ♪
♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE
IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY

♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE
IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY
NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART

IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY
NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪

NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART
AGAIN ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AGAIN ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[LAUGHS]
BUT... BUT WEREN'T YOU SORT OF
EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW, EVERY

BUT... BUT WEREN'T YOU SORT OF
EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW, EVERY
TIME YOU'RE UNDERPANTS SHOWED

EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW, EVERY
TIME YOU'RE UNDERPANTS SHOWED
WHEN YOU DID A CARTWHEEL?

TIME YOU'RE UNDERPANTS SHOWED
WHEN YOU DID A CARTWHEEL?
I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MATCHED YOUR

WHEN YOU DID A CARTWHEEL?
I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MATCHED YOUR
CHEERLEADING SKIRT AND ALL THAT,

I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MATCHED YOUR
CHEERLEADING SKIRT AND ALL THAT,
BUT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN

CHEERLEADING SKIRT AND ALL THAT,
BUT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
EMBARRASSED FROM TIME TO TIME.

BUT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
EMBARRASSED FROM TIME TO TIME.
OR MAYBE YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.

EMBARRASSED FROM TIME TO TIME.
OR MAYBE YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.
YEAH, YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.

OR MAYBE YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.
YEAH, YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.

YEAH, YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.

I GUESS THAT'S IT.
YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.
[LAUGHS]

YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.
[LAUGHS]
I REALLY DIDN'T...

[LAUGHS]
I REALLY DIDN'T...
THAT'S SOMETHING, YOU KNOW,

I REALLY DIDN'T...
THAT'S SOMETHING, YOU KNOW,
AFTER 10 WHOLE YEARS, FINDING

THAT'S SOMETHING, YOU KNOW,
AFTER 10 WHOLE YEARS, FINDING
OUT THE CAPTAIN OF THE

AFTER 10 WHOLE YEARS, FINDING
OUT THE CAPTAIN OF THE
HIGH-SCHOOL CHEERLEADING TEAM

OUT THE CAPTAIN OF THE
HIGH-SCHOOL CHEERLEADING TEAM
REALLY LIKED HER UNDERPANTS

HIGH-SCHOOL CHEERLEADING TEAM
REALLY LIKED HER UNDERPANTS
SHOWING.

REALLY LIKED HER UNDERPANTS
SHOWING.
[LAUGHS]

SHOWING.
[LAUGHS]
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW.

[LAUGHS]
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW.
THEY MATCHED THE OUTFIT.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW.
THEY MATCHED THE OUTFIT.
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW,

THEY MATCHED THE OUTFIT.
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW,
OKAY?

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW,
OKAY?
WELL, OKAY, OKAY,

OKAY?
WELL, OKAY, OKAY,
PATTY RIVERS!

WELL, OKAY, OKAY,
PATTY RIVERS!
I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SAY MY

PATTY RIVERS!
I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SAY MY
NAME SO MUCH.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SAY MY
NAME SO MUCH.
WELL, I LIKE SAYING IT.

NAME SO MUCH.
WELL, I LIKE SAYING IT.
IT REMINDS ME I'M TALKING TO

WELL, I LIKE SAYING IT.
IT REMINDS ME I'M TALKING TO
YOU... I, RALPH BORT,

IT REMINDS ME I'M TALKING TO
YOU... I, RALPH BORT,
"B.O." BORT, TALKING TO YOU,

YOU... I, RALPH BORT,
"B.O." BORT, TALKING TO YOU,
PATTY RIVERS!

"B.O." BORT, TALKING TO YOU,
PATTY RIVERS!
AND TO THINK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I

PATTY RIVERS!
AND TO THINK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I
WAS SCARED OF YOU, YOU KNOW.

AND TO THINK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I
WAS SCARED OF YOU, YOU KNOW.
I WAS SCARED OF YOU, BUT NOW

WAS SCARED OF YOU, YOU KNOW.
I WAS SCARED OF YOU, BUT NOW
WE'RE JUST REGULAR PEOPLE, JUST

I WAS SCARED OF YOU, BUT NOW
WE'RE JUST REGULAR PEOPLE, JUST
ADULTS, JUST YOU AND ME HERE.

WE'RE JUST REGULAR PEOPLE, JUST
ADULTS, JUST YOU AND ME HERE.
YEAH, YEAH.

ADULTS, JUST YOU AND ME HERE.
YEAH, YEAH.
[CHUCKLES]

YEAH, YEAH.
[CHUCKLES]
YOU STILL... YOU STILL DON'T

[CHUCKLES]
YOU STILL... YOU STILL DON'T
REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?

YOU STILL... YOU STILL DON'T
REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?
[LAUGHS]

REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?
[LAUGHS]
HERE... HERE'S A HINT.

[LAUGHS]
HERE... HERE'S A HINT.
[Nasal voice] TESTING, 1, 2,

HERE... HERE'S A HINT.
[Nasal voice] TESTING, 1, 2,
3, TESTING, 1, 2, 3.

[Nasal voice] TESTING, 1, 2,
3, TESTING, 1, 2, 3.
I GIVE UP.

3, TESTING, 1, 2, 3.
I GIVE UP.
[Normal voice] CAPTAIN OF

I GIVE UP.
[Normal voice] CAPTAIN OF
THE AUDIOVISUAL SQUAD.

[Normal voice] CAPTAIN OF
THE AUDIOVISUAL SQUAD.
SEVEN GUYS WHO REALLY GAVE A

THE AUDIOVISUAL SQUAD.
SEVEN GUYS WHO REALLY GAVE A
DAMN IF THE MIKES HAD FEEDBACK

SEVEN GUYS WHO REALLY GAVE A
DAMN IF THE MIKES HAD FEEDBACK
IN THE GYM.

DAMN IF THE MIKES HAD FEEDBACK
IN THE GYM.
AND IN THE AUDITORIUM.

IN THE GYM.
AND IN THE AUDITORIUM.
REALLY?

AND IN THE AUDITORIUM.
REALLY?
WE WERE THE BACKBONE OF THOSE

REALLY?
WE WERE THE BACKBONE OF THOSE
PEP RALLIES.

WE WERE THE BACKBONE OF THOSE
PEP RALLIES.
YOU WERE THE UNDERPANTS!

PEP RALLIES.
YOU WERE THE UNDERPANTS!
[CHUCKLES]

YOU WERE THE UNDERPANTS!
[CHUCKLES]
LISTEN, I... I REALLY HAVE TO

[CHUCKLES]
LISTEN, I... I REALLY HAVE TO
GET BACK.

LISTEN, I... I REALLY HAVE TO
GET BACK.
MY LUNCH HOUR IS OVER.

GET BACK.
MY LUNCH HOUR IS OVER.
RELAX, I'M TIGHT WITH THE CROWD

MY LUNCH HOUR IS OVER.
RELAX, I'M TIGHT WITH THE CROWD
AT FANNIE FARMER.

RELAX, I'M TIGHT WITH THE CROWD
AT FANNIE FARMER.
I'LL VOUCH FOR YOU.

AT FANNIE FARMER.
I'LL VOUCH FOR YOU.
WELL, OKAY.

I'LL VOUCH FOR YOU.
WELL, OKAY.
AFTER ALL, HOW MANY REUNIONS

WELL, OKAY.
AFTER ALL, HOW MANY REUNIONS
DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFETIME?

AFTER ALL, HOW MANY REUNIONS
DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFETIME?
5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40?

DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFETIME?
5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40?
I DON'T KNOW.

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40?
I DON'T KNOW.
RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER AT

I DON'T KNOW.
RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER AT
THE LUNCH COUNTER AT

RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER AT
THE LUNCH COUNTER AT
WOOLWORTHS.

THE LUNCH COUNTER AT
WOOLWORTHS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT MIGHT NOT

WOOLWORTHS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT MIGHT NOT
HAVE HAPPENED IF I DIDN'T ASK

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT MIGHT NOT
HAVE HAPPENED IF I DIDN'T ASK
YOU FOR THE SALT?

HAVE HAPPENED IF I DIDN'T ASK
YOU FOR THE SALT?
I'M DUE BACK AT 1:00.

YOU FOR THE SALT?
I'M DUE BACK AT 1:00.
FIVE MINUTES!

I'M DUE BACK AT 1:00.
FIVE MINUTES!
YOU CAN TALK FIVE MINUTES ABOUT

FIVE MINUTES!
YOU CAN TALK FIVE MINUTES ABOUT
OLD TIMES!

YOU CAN TALK FIVE MINUTES ABOUT
OLD TIMES!
HIGH SCHOOL.

OLD TIMES!
HIGH SCHOOL.
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OLD TIMES.

HIGH SCHOOL.
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OLD TIMES.
WE WENT TO THE SAME HIGH

WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OLD TIMES.
WE WENT TO THE SAME HIGH
SCHOOL, DIDN'T WE?

WE WENT TO THE SAME HIGH
SCHOOL, DIDN'T WE?
WE WENT TO THE SAME LOCKERS.

SCHOOL, DIDN'T WE?
WE WENT TO THE SAME LOCKERS.
YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU

WE WENT TO THE SAME LOCKERS.
YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
THIS.

YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
THIS.
I HAD YOUR OLD JUNIOR-YEAR

THIS.
I HAD YOUR OLD JUNIOR-YEAR
LOCKER IN MY SENIOR YEAR 'CAUSE

I HAD YOUR OLD JUNIOR-YEAR
LOCKER IN MY SENIOR YEAR 'CAUSE
I FOUND THIS PIECE OF CREPE

LOCKER IN MY SENIOR YEAR 'CAUSE
I FOUND THIS PIECE OF CREPE
PAPER, YOU KNOW, FROM ONE OF

I FOUND THIS PIECE OF CREPE
PAPER, YOU KNOW, FROM ONE OF
YOUR POMPONS, YOU KNOW, AND I

PAPER, YOU KNOW, FROM ONE OF
YOUR POMPONS, YOU KNOW, AND I
SAVED IT.

YOUR POMPONS, YOU KNOW, AND I
SAVED IT.
WHY?

SAVED IT.
WHY?
IT WAS SOMETHING TO SAVE,

WHY?
IT WAS SOMETHING TO SAVE,
SOMETHING TO KEEP, A MEMORY,

IT WAS SOMETHING TO SAVE,
SOMETHING TO KEEP, A MEMORY,
A SOUVENIR!

SOMETHING TO KEEP, A MEMORY,
A SOUVENIR!
I COULDN'T TAKE HOME ANY

A SOUVENIR!
I COULDN'T TAKE HOME ANY
MICROPHONES.

I COULDN'T TAKE HOME ANY
MICROPHONES.
I COULDN'T TAKE HOME THOSE

MICROPHONES.
I COULDN'T TAKE HOME THOSE
FILMSTRIPS ON, UH, GUATEMALA...

I COULDN'T TAKE HOME THOSE
FILMSTRIPS ON, UH, GUATEMALA...
IMPORTS, EXPORTS, BUSHELS OF

FILMSTRIPS ON, UH, GUATEMALA...
IMPORTS, EXPORTS, BUSHELS OF
WHEAT.

IMPORTS, EXPORTS, BUSHELS OF
WHEAT.
[Deep voice] GUATEMALA, YOUR

WHEAT.
[Deep voice] GUATEMALA, YOUR
DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR.

[Deep voice] GUATEMALA, YOUR
DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR.
[Normal voice] REMEMBER THAT?

DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR.
[Normal voice] REMEMBER THAT?
I SHOWED THAT FILMSTRIP ABOUT

[Normal voice] REMEMBER THAT?
I SHOWED THAT FILMSTRIP ABOUT
50 TIMES IN 4 YEARS.

I SHOWED THAT FILMSTRIP ABOUT
50 TIMES IN 4 YEARS.
GUATEMALA, GUATEMALANS.

50 TIMES IN 4 YEARS.
GUATEMALA, GUATEMALANS.
WHO CARES?

GUATEMALA, GUATEMALANS.
WHO CARES?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM,

WHO CARES?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM,
THOUGH.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM,
THOUGH.
YOU PROBABLY HAD LOTS OF

THOUGH.
YOU PROBABLY HAD LOTS OF
SOUVENIRS.

YOU PROBABLY HAD LOTS OF
SOUVENIRS.
YOU PROBABLY TOOK A LOT HOME,

SOUVENIRS.
YOU PROBABLY TOOK A LOT HOME,
DIDN'T YOU?

YOU PROBABLY TOOK A LOT HOME,
DIDN'T YOU?
YES, I DID.

DIDN'T YOU?
YES, I DID.
WELL, LIKE WHAT?

YES, I DID.
WELL, LIKE WHAT?
MY POMPONS, MY CHEERLEADING

WELL, LIKE WHAT?
MY POMPONS, MY CHEERLEADING
LETTER, MY HOMECOMING CROWN...

MY POMPONS, MY CHEERLEADING
LETTER, MY HOMECOMING CROWN...
I WENT TO A HOMECOMING...

LETTER, MY HOMECOMING CROWN...
I WENT TO A HOMECOMING...
AFTER I WAS IN NAM.

I WENT TO A HOMECOMING...
AFTER I WAS IN NAM.
I WAS IN NAM.

AFTER I WAS IN NAM.
I WAS IN NAM.
KNOW WHAT I DID THERE?

I WAS IN NAM.
KNOW WHAT I DID THERE?
WHAT?

KNOW WHAT I DID THERE?
WHAT?
WOULD YOU BELIEVE... FIGHT?!

WHAT?
WOULD YOU BELIEVE... FIGHT?!
YOU KNOW WHY I SAID THAT?

WOULD YOU BELIEVE... FIGHT?!
YOU KNOW WHY I SAID THAT?
I WANTED YOU TO ASK ME THAT SO

YOU KNOW WHY I SAID THAT?
I WANTED YOU TO ASK ME THAT SO
I COULD SAY, "WOULD YOU

I WANTED YOU TO ASK ME THAT SO
I COULD SAY, "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"

I COULD SAY, "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"
REMEMBER, I STARTED THAT IN OUR

BELIEVE...?"
REMEMBER, I STARTED THAT IN OUR
HIGH SCHOOL.

REMEMBER, I STARTED THAT IN OUR
HIGH SCHOOL.
I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID, "WOULD

HIGH SCHOOL.
I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID, "WOULD
YOU BELIEVE," FIRST.

I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID, "WOULD
YOU BELIEVE," FIRST.
I STARTED "WOULD YOU

YOU BELIEVE," FIRST.
I STARTED "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"

I STARTED "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"
IT WAS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, BUT

BELIEVE...?"
IT WAS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, BUT
I STARTED IT IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

IT WAS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, BUT
I STARTED IT IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL.
I STARTED "WOULD YOU

I STARTED IT IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL.
I STARTED "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"

I STARTED "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"
I STARTED THAT.

BELIEVE...?"
I STARTED THAT.
THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER

I STARTED THAT.
THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER
COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF I

THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER
COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF I
DIDN'T SAY, "WOULD YOU

COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF I
DIDN'T SAY, "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"

DIDN'T SAY, "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"
THAT REALLY GETS ME SOMETIMES

BELIEVE...?"
THAT REALLY GETS ME SOMETIMES
THAT I STARTED THAT, YOU KNOW.

THAT REALLY GETS ME SOMETIMES
THAT I STARTED THAT, YOU KNOW.
I STARTED, "WOULD YOU

THAT I STARTED THAT, YOU KNOW.
I STARTED, "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"

I STARTED, "WOULD YOU
BELIEVE...?"
AND THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER

BELIEVE...?"
AND THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER
COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, IF I

AND THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER
COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, IF I
DIDN'T START THAT.

COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, IF I
DIDN'T START THAT.
DAMN.

DIDN'T START THAT.
DAMN.
[LAUGHING]

DAMN.
[LAUGHING]
NAM... I WAS IN NAM.

[LAUGHING]
NAM... I WAS IN NAM.
KNOW WHAT I DID IN NAM?

NAM... I WAS IN NAM.
KNOW WHAT I DID IN NAM?
I RAN THE MOVIE PROJECTOR.

KNOW WHAT I DID IN NAM?
I RAN THE MOVIE PROJECTOR.
I SHOWED "BLUE HAWAII,"

I RAN THE MOVIE PROJECTOR.
I SHOWED "BLUE HAWAII,"
"TRUE GRIT" ALL THOSE MOVIES,

I SHOWED "BLUE HAWAII,"
"TRUE GRIT" ALL THOSE MOVIES,
YOU KNOW.

"TRUE GRIT" ALL THOSE MOVIES,
YOU KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
YEAH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

WHAT ABOUT ME?
YEAH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?

YEAH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?
I WANT TO KNOW.

SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?
I WANT TO KNOW.
I'M INTERESTED.

I WANT TO KNOW.
I'M INTERESTED.
WELL, I WENT TO COLLEGE.

I'M INTERESTED.
WELL, I WENT TO COLLEGE.
I GOT MARRIED.

WELL, I WENT TO COLLEGE.
I GOT MARRIED.
I GOT DIVORCED.

I GOT MARRIED.
I GOT DIVORCED.
YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.

I GOT DIVORCED.
YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
GETTING DIVORCED... I HEARD

YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
GETTING DIVORCED... I HEARD
ABOUT THAT.

GETTING DIVORCED... I HEARD
ABOUT THAT.
MY MOM SENT ME SOMETHING OVER

ABOUT THAT.
MY MOM SENT ME SOMETHING OVER
IN NAM, A LITTLE ITEM IN THE

MY MOM SENT ME SOMETHING OVER
IN NAM, A LITTLE ITEM IN THE
NEWSPAPER, YOU KNOW.

IN NAM, A LITTLE ITEM IN THE
NEWSPAPER, YOU KNOW.
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

NEWSPAPER, YOU KNOW.
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, THEY WEREN'T TALKING

WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, THEY WEREN'T TALKING
ABOUT IT IN NAM, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, THEY WEREN'T TALKING
ABOUT IT IN NAM, YOU KNOW.
THEY HAD OTHER THINGS TO WORRY

ABOUT IT IN NAM, YOU KNOW.
THEY HAD OTHER THINGS TO WORRY
ABOUT.

THEY HAD OTHER THINGS TO WORRY
ABOUT.
WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME.

ABOUT.
WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME.
I WENT TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME.
I WENT TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE
FOR TWO YEARS.

I WENT TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE
FOR TWO YEARS.
I STARTED THE A.V. SQUAD THERE.

FOR TWO YEARS.
I STARTED THE A.V. SQUAD THERE.
IT WAS SORT OF MY BRAINCHILD.

I STARTED THE A.V. SQUAD THERE.
IT WAS SORT OF MY BRAINCHILD.
"BRAINCHILD"... THERE'S A WORD

IT WAS SORT OF MY BRAINCHILD.
"BRAINCHILD"... THERE'S A WORD
I NEVER USED IN HIGH SCHOOL.

"BRAINCHILD"... THERE'S A WORD
I NEVER USED IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE USED THAT

I NEVER USED IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE USED THAT
WORD.

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE USED THAT
WORD.
I NEVER USED THAT WORD.

WORD.
I NEVER USED THAT WORD.
ONLY WHEN I STARTED, UH, YOU

I NEVER USED THAT WORD.
ONLY WHEN I STARTED, UH, YOU
KNOW, MANAGING THE TIRE

ONLY WHEN I STARTED, UH, YOU
KNOW, MANAGING THE TIRE
DEPARTMENT OVER AT SEARS, I

KNOW, MANAGING THE TIRE
DEPARTMENT OVER AT SEARS, I
STARTED USING "BRAINCHILD."

DEPARTMENT OVER AT SEARS, I
STARTED USING "BRAINCHILD."
I GOT THE JOB... TIRE MANAGER

STARTED USING "BRAINCHILD."
I GOT THE JOB... TIRE MANAGER
OVER THERE.

I GOT THE JOB... TIRE MANAGER
OVER THERE.
IT'S TERRIFIC.

OVER THERE.
IT'S TERRIFIC.
I WORK 9:00 TO 5:00, 5 DAYS A

IT'S TERRIFIC.
I WORK 9:00 TO 5:00, 5 DAYS A
WEEK.

I WORK 9:00 TO 5:00, 5 DAYS A
WEEK.
I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD GET

WEEK.
I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD GET
INTO IT, BUT I DO IT, YOU KNOW.

I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD GET
INTO IT, BUT I DO IT, YOU KNOW.
I PLAY A LOT OF POKER ON

INTO IT, BUT I DO IT, YOU KNOW.
I PLAY A LOT OF POKER ON
WEEKENDS, THOUGH.

I PLAY A LOT OF POKER ON
WEEKENDS, THOUGH.
A LOT OF POKER.

WEEKENDS, THOUGH.
A LOT OF POKER.
MAYBE TOO MUCH POKER, YOU KNOW.

A LOT OF POKER.
MAYBE TOO MUCH POKER, YOU KNOW.
BUT I'M REAL BUSY.

MAYBE TOO MUCH POKER, YOU KNOW.
BUT I'M REAL BUSY.
LOOK, IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE,

BUT I'M REAL BUSY.
LOOK, IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE,
BUT I HAVE TO...

LOOK, IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE,
BUT I HAVE TO...
HEY, YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!

BUT I HAVE TO...
HEY, YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!
WHAT KIND?

HEY, YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!
WHAT KIND?
MENTHOL.

WHAT KIND?
MENTHOL.
I SMOKE MENTHOL 100s.

MENTHOL.
I SMOKE MENTHOL 100s.
I LOVE 'EM.

I SMOKE MENTHOL 100s.
I LOVE 'EM.
I LIKE THE TASTE.

I LOVE 'EM.
I LIKE THE TASTE.
I LIKE MENTHOL.

I LIKE THE TASTE.
I LIKE MENTHOL.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

I LIKE MENTHOL.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
WHO EVER THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
WHO EVER THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA
GROW UP LIKE THIS, AND I'D BE

WHO EVER THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA
GROW UP LIKE THIS, AND I'D BE
SITTING NEXT TO YOU, AND YOU

GROW UP LIKE THIS, AND I'D BE
SITTING NEXT TO YOU, AND YOU
SMOKING CIGARETTES?

SITTING NEXT TO YOU, AND YOU
SMOKING CIGARETTES?
IT'S AMAZING.

SMOKING CIGARETTES?
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S JUST AMAZING.

IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S JUST AMAZING.
WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

IT'S JUST AMAZING.
WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
I'VE GOT A CHEVY NOVA.

WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
I'VE GOT A CHEVY NOVA.
YOU KNOW, A TACHOMETER.

I'VE GOT A CHEVY NOVA.
YOU KNOW, A TACHOMETER.
I'VE GOT RALLY STRIPES, BABY

YOU KNOW, A TACHOMETER.
I'VE GOT RALLY STRIPES, BABY
MOON.

I'VE GOT RALLY STRIPES, BABY
MOON.
I'VE GOT A CB RADIO, A TAPE

MOON.
I'VE GOT A CB RADIO, A TAPE
DECK.

I'VE GOT A CB RADIO, A TAPE
DECK.
I'VE GOT ALL OF THAT IN THERE.

DECK.
I'VE GOT ALL OF THAT IN THERE.
I'VE GOT FACTORY

I'VE GOT ALL OF THAT IN THERE.
I'VE GOT FACTORY
AIR-CONDITIONING, TOO, YOU KNOW.

I'VE GOT FACTORY
AIR-CONDITIONING, TOO, YOU KNOW.
I WOULDN'T TAKE IT WITHOUT THE

AIR-CONDITIONING, TOO, YOU KNOW.
I WOULDN'T TAKE IT WITHOUT THE
AIR.

I WOULDN'T TAKE IT WITHOUT THE
AIR.
WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

AIR.
WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
TOYOTA.

WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
TOYOTA.
OH, YOU WORRY ABOUT

TOYOTA.
OH, YOU WORRY ABOUT
POLLUTION, HUH?

OH, YOU WORRY ABOUT
POLLUTION, HUH?
WELL, I...

POLLUTION, HUH?
WELL, I...
I DO, TOO, YOU KNOW.

WELL, I...
I DO, TOO, YOU KNOW.
I WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION, TOO.

I DO, TOO, YOU KNOW.
I WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION, TOO.
BUT I'M PRETTY BUSY, YOU KNOW.

I WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION, TOO.
BUT I'M PRETTY BUSY, YOU KNOW.
WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING POKER OR

BUT I'M PRETTY BUSY, YOU KNOW.
WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING POKER OR
MANAGING THE TIRE DEPARTMENT

WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING POKER OR
MANAGING THE TIRE DEPARTMENT
OVER THERE, YOU KNOW, I WORRY

MANAGING THE TIRE DEPARTMENT
OVER THERE, YOU KNOW, I WORRY
ABOUT POLLUTION.

OVER THERE, YOU KNOW, I WORRY
ABOUT POLLUTION.
ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU

ABOUT POLLUTION.
ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU
WOULD CALL, REALLY, LIKE,

ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU
WOULD CALL, REALLY, LIKE,
WORRYING, YOU KNOW.

WOULD CALL, REALLY, LIKE,
WORRYING, YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE...

WORRYING, YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE...
IT'S LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD CALL,

IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE...
IT'S LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD CALL,
LIKE, THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION.

IT'S LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD CALL,
LIKE, THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION.
YEAH.

LIKE, THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION.
YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.

YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
IT'S WHAT YOU WOULD CALL

YEAH, THAT'S IT.
IT'S WHAT YOU WOULD CALL
THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION.

IT'S WHAT YOU WOULD CALL
THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION.
LOOK, I'VE REALLY GOT TO GO.

THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION.
LOOK, I'VE REALLY GOT TO GO.
ISN'T THIS SOMETHING, THOUGH?

LOOK, I'VE REALLY GOT TO GO.
ISN'T THIS SOMETHING, THOUGH?
BOTH OF US ARE ADULTS.

ISN'T THIS SOMETHING, THOUGH?
BOTH OF US ARE ADULTS.
BOTH OF US ADULTS, HERE, EQUALS,

BOTH OF US ARE ADULTS.
BOTH OF US ADULTS, HERE, EQUALS,
YOU KNOW.

BOTH OF US ADULTS, HERE, EQUALS,
YOU KNOW.
IT'S NOT LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW.
IT'S NOT LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.
IN HIGH SCHOOL, THERE WERE ALL

IT'S NOT LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.
IN HIGH SCHOOL, THERE WERE ALL
THOSE LEVELS, YOU KNOW, GROUPS.

IN HIGH SCHOOL, THERE WERE ALL
THOSE LEVELS, YOU KNOW, GROUPS.
SOME PEOPLE WERE NOTHING.

THOSE LEVELS, YOU KNOW, GROUPS.
SOME PEOPLE WERE NOTHING.
SOME PEOPLE WERE SOMETHING,

SOME PEOPLE WERE NOTHING.
SOME PEOPLE WERE SOMETHING,
RIGHT UP TO THE BIG SHOTS.

SOME PEOPLE WERE SOMETHING,
RIGHT UP TO THE BIG SHOTS.
BUT IN LIFE, IT ALL EVENS OUT!

RIGHT UP TO THE BIG SHOTS.
BUT IN LIFE, IT ALL EVENS OUT!
WE'RE ADULTS!

BUT IN LIFE, IT ALL EVENS OUT!
WE'RE ADULTS!
WE'VE BOTH LIVED, DONE THINGS,

WE'RE ADULTS!
WE'VE BOTH LIVED, DONE THINGS,
YOU KNOW.

WE'VE BOTH LIVED, DONE THINGS,
YOU KNOW.
YOU'VE LIVED.

YOU KNOW.
YOU'VE LIVED.
I'VE LIVED, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE LIVED.
I'VE LIVED, YOU KNOW.
YOU WERE MARRIED, DIVORCED.

I'VE LIVED, YOU KNOW.
YOU WERE MARRIED, DIVORCED.
I WAS IN NAM.

YOU WERE MARRIED, DIVORCED.
I WAS IN NAM.
YOU KNOW, HERE YOU ARE SMOKING

I WAS IN NAM.
YOU KNOW, HERE YOU ARE SMOKING
CIGARETTES, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, HERE YOU ARE SMOKING
CIGARETTES, YOU KNOW.
YOU, IN HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOUR

CIGARETTES, YOU KNOW.
YOU, IN HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOUR
UNDERPANTS SHOWING.

YOU, IN HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOUR
UNDERPANTS SHOWING.
ME, WATCHING.

UNDERPANTS SHOWING.
ME, WATCHING.
THINGS ARE DIFFERENT!

ME, WATCHING.
THINGS ARE DIFFERENT!
THINGS ARE REALLY DIFFERENT NOW!

THINGS ARE DIFFERENT!
THINGS ARE REALLY DIFFERENT NOW!
I COULD EVEN ASK YOU OUT NOW,

THINGS ARE REALLY DIFFERENT NOW!
I COULD EVEN ASK YOU OUT NOW,
COULDN'T I?

I COULD EVEN ASK YOU OUT NOW,
COULDN'T I?
NO.

COULDN'T I?
NO.
HEY.

NO.
HEY.
HEY, I'LL CALL THEM AT

HEY.
HEY, I'LL CALL THEM AT
FANNIE FARMER.

HEY, I'LL CALL THEM AT
FANNIE FARMER.
I'LL EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT YOU'RE

FANNIE FARMER.
I'LL EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT YOU'RE
GONNA BE LATE.

I'LL EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT YOU'RE
GONNA BE LATE.
I... I KNOW THEM THERE, AT

GONNA BE LATE.
I... I KNOW THEM THERE, AT
FANNIE FARMER.

I... I KNOW THEM THERE, AT
FANNIE FARMER.
I KNOW THEM.

FANNIE FARMER.
I KNOW THEM.
[CHUCKLES]

AND NOW THIS WEEK'S HOME
MOVIE.
[APPLAUSE]

MOVIE.
[APPLAUSE]
HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR

[APPLAUSE]
HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR
"THE MR. BILL SHOW."

HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR
"THE MR. BILL SHOW."
HELLO, KIDDIES.

"THE MR. BILL SHOW."
HELLO, KIDDIES.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOU

HELLO, KIDDIES.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOU
BRIGHT FACES OUT...

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOU
BRIGHT FACES OUT...
AND HERE'S MY FRIEND.

BRIGHT FACES OUT...
AND HERE'S MY FRIEND.
HE HELPS...

AND HERE'S MY FRIEND.
HE HELPS...
HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS.

HE HELPS...
HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS.
HEY, MR. BILL.

HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS.
HEY, MR. BILL.
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU.

HEY, MR. BILL.
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU.
WHO'S THAT?

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU.
WHO'S THAT?
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

WHO'S THAT?
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
OH, SPOT, OH!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
OH, SPOT, OH!
COME OVER AND LET ME PET YOU.

OH, SPOT, OH!
COME OVER AND LET ME PET YOU.
SPOT HAS TO GO NOW.

COME OVER AND LET ME PET YOU.
SPOT HAS TO GO NOW.
WAIT, WAIT!

SPOT HAS TO GO NOW.
WAIT, WAIT!
WHAT HAPPENED?!

WAIT, WAIT!
WHAT HAPPENED?!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WHAT HAPPENED?!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, WHERE DID HE GO?

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, WHERE DID HE GO?
WHERE DID HE GO?

OH, WHERE DID HE GO?
WHERE DID HE GO?
HE WENT WHERE GOOD DOGS NEVER

WHERE DID HE GO?
HE WENT WHERE GOOD DOGS NEVER
GO, MR. BILL.

HE WENT WHERE GOOD DOGS NEVER
GO, MR. BILL.
SAY, YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE GO OUT

GO, MR. BILL.
SAY, YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE GO OUT
AND PLAY, ALL YOUNGSTERS NEED

SAY, YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE GO OUT
AND PLAY, ALL YOUNGSTERS NEED
EXERCISE.

AND PLAY, ALL YOUNGSTERS NEED
EXERCISE.
WAIT, I DON'T DO THAT WELL.

EXERCISE.
WAIT, I DON'T DO THAT WELL.
THAT'S STRONG.

WAIT, I DON'T DO THAT WELL.
THAT'S STRONG.
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

THAT'S STRONG.
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, NO!

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, NO!
SAY, THAT'S A NASTY SCRATCH,

OH, NO!
SAY, THAT'S A NASTY SCRATCH,
MR. BILL.

SAY, THAT'S A NASTY SCRATCH,
MR. BILL.
WE BETTER LET THE FAMILY

MR. BILL.
WE BETTER LET THE FAMILY
PHYSICIAN TAKE A LOOK.

WE BETTER LET THE FAMILY
PHYSICIAN TAKE A LOOK.
WHO'S THAT?

PHYSICIAN TAKE A LOOK.
WHO'S THAT?
IT'S DR. SLUGGO.

WHO'S THAT?
IT'S DR. SLUGGO.
OH, NO.

IT'S DR. SLUGGO.
OH, NO.
HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME.

OH, NO.
HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME.
NO, DON'T LET HIM HURT ME.

HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME.
NO, DON'T LET HIM HURT ME.
HE RECOMMENDS ACUPUNCTURE.

NO, DON'T LET HIM HURT ME.
HE RECOMMENDS ACUPUNCTURE.
NO, NOT THAT!

HE RECOMMENDS ACUPUNCTURE.
NO, NOT THAT!
WAIT, WAIT, OH!

NO, NOT THAT!
WAIT, WAIT, OH!
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

WAIT, WAIT, OH!
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
SAY, MR. BILL, DR. SLUGGO

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
SAY, MR. BILL, DR. SLUGGO
SAYS THAT ARM WILL BE AS GOOD AS

SAY, MR. BILL, DR. SLUGGO
SAYS THAT ARM WILL BE AS GOOD AS
NEW IN NO TIME.

SAYS THAT ARM WILL BE AS GOOD AS
NEW IN NO TIME.
OH, WHY, WHY?

NEW IN NO TIME.
OH, WHY, WHY?
SAY, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO

OH, WHY, WHY?
SAY, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO
A PARTY LATER, SO WE BETTER GET

SAY, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO
A PARTY LATER, SO WE BETTER GET
CLEANED UP.

A PARTY LATER, SO WE BETTER GET
CLEANED UP.
LET'S WASH YOUR FACE WITH SOME

CLEANED UP.
LET'S WASH YOUR FACE WITH SOME
WATER.

LET'S WASH YOUR FACE WITH SOME
WATER.
THAT'S NOT WATER!

WATER.
THAT'S NOT WATER!
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

THAT'S NOT WATER!
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
THAT'S WATER.

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
THAT'S WATER.
OH, NO.

THAT'S WATER.
OH, NO.
SAY, MR. BILL, WHILE WE'RE AT

OH, NO.
SAY, MR. BILL, WHILE WE'RE AT
THE PARTY, THEY'RE GONNA BE

SAY, MR. BILL, WHILE WE'RE AT
THE PARTY, THEY'RE GONNA BE
RECONSTRUCTING YOUR SET.

THE PARTY, THEY'RE GONNA BE
RECONSTRUCTING YOUR SET.
WHAT, WHAT'S THAT, MR. HAND?

RECONSTRUCTING YOUR SET.
WHAT, WHAT'S THAT, MR. HAND?
CONSTRUCTION, HO!

WHAT, WHAT'S THAT, MR. HAND?
CONSTRUCTION, HO!
OH!

CONSTRUCTION, HO!
OH!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

OH!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA!
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H!

WHOA, WHOA!
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H!
OH, NO.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H!
OH, NO.
MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?

OH, NO.
MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, YOU'RE TAKING A NAP.

MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, YOU'RE TAKING A NAP.
LET'S GO TO THE PARTY, MR. BILL.

OH, YOU'RE TAKING A NAP.
LET'S GO TO THE PARTY, MR. BILL.
I'LL RING THE BELL.

LET'S GO TO THE PARTY, MR. BILL.
I'LL RING THE BELL.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL RING THE BELL.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL SEE WHO THAT IS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL SEE WHO THAT IS.
I WISH MR. BILL WOULD GET

I'LL SEE WHO THAT IS.
I WISH MR. BILL WOULD GET
HERE.

I WISH MR. BILL WOULD GET
HERE.
MAYBE WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN.

HERE.
MAYBE WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN.
HUH.

MAYBE WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN.
HUH.
WHO WAS IT?

HUH.
WHO WAS IT?
NOBODY THERE.

WHO WAS IT?
NOBODY THERE.
I WENT OUT THERE.

NOBODY THERE.
I WENT OUT THERE.
NOBODY AT THE DOOR.

Announcer: IF YOU HAVE A

SUPER-8 OR 16-MILLIMETER HOME

MOVIE APPROXIMATELY TWO MINUTES

IN LENGTH, SEND IT TO...

AND INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND

CURRENT ADDRESS.

THERE WILL BE NO MONETARY

COMPENSATION AT ALL.

[INTRO TO "TEN CENTS A DANCE"
PLAYS]
♪ I WORK AT THE

[PLAYS]
♪ I WORK AT THE
PALACE BALLROOM ♪

♪ I WORK AT THE
PALACE BALLROOM ♪
♪ BUT, GEE, THAT PALACE IS

PALACE BALLROOM ♪
♪ BUT, GEE, THAT PALACE IS
CHEAP ♪

♪ BUT, GEE, THAT PALACE IS
CHEAP ♪
♪ WHEN I GET HOME TO MY CHILLY

CHEAP ♪
♪ WHEN I GET HOME TO MY CHILLY
HALL ROOM ♪

♪ WHEN I GET HOME TO MY CHILLY
HALL ROOM ♪
♪ I'M MUCH TOO TIRED TO SLEEP ♪

HALL ROOM ♪
♪ I'M MUCH TOO TIRED TO SLEEP ♪
♪ I'M ONE OF THOSE DANCING

♪ I'M MUCH TOO TIRED TO SLEEP ♪
♪ I'M ONE OF THOSE DANCING
TEACHERS ♪

♪ I'M ONE OF THOSE DANCING
TEACHERS ♪
♪ A BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS, YOU

TEACHERS ♪
♪ A BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS, YOU
KNOW ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS, YOU
KNOW ♪
♪ ONE THAT THE PALACE FEATURES ♪

KNOW ♪
♪ ONE THAT THE PALACE FEATURES ♪
♪ AT EXACTLY A DIME A THROW ♪

♪ ONE THAT THE PALACE FEATURES ♪
♪ AT EXACTLY A DIME A THROW ♪
♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪

♪ AT EXACTLY A DIME A THROW ♪
♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME ♪

♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME ♪
♪ GOSH, HOW THEY WEIGH ME DOWN ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME ♪
♪ GOSH, HOW THEY WEIGH ME DOWN ♪
♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪

♪ GOSH, HOW THEY WEIGH ME DOWN ♪
♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪
♪ PANSIES AND ROUGH GUYS ♪

♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪
♪ PANSIES AND ROUGH GUYS ♪
♪ TOUGH GUYS WHO TEAR MY GOWN ♪

♪ PANSIES AND ROUGH GUYS ♪
♪ TOUGH GUYS WHO TEAR MY GOWN ♪
♪ 7:00 TO MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ TOUGH GUYS WHO TEAR MY GOWN ♪
♪ 7:00 TO MIDNIGHT ♪
♪ I HEAR DRUMS ♪

♪ 7:00 TO MIDNIGHT ♪
♪ I HEAR DRUMS ♪
♪ LOUDLY THE SAXOPHONE BLOWS ♪

♪ I HEAR DRUMS ♪
♪ LOUDLY THE SAXOPHONE BLOWS ♪
♪ TRUMPETS ARE TEARING MY

♪ LOUDLY THE SAXOPHONE BLOWS ♪
♪ TRUMPETS ARE TEARING MY
EARDRUMS ♪

♪ TRUMPETS ARE TEARING MY
EARDRUMS ♪
♪ CUSTOMERS CRUSH MY TOES ♪

EARDRUMS ♪
♪ CUSTOMERS CRUSH MY TOES ♪
♪ SOMETIMES, I THINK ♪

♪ CUSTOMERS CRUSH MY TOES ♪
♪ SOMETIMES, I THINK ♪
♪ I'VE FOUND MY HERO ♪

♪ SOMETIMES, I THINK ♪
♪ I'VE FOUND MY HERO ♪
♪ BUT IT'S A QUEER ROMANCE ♪

♪ I'VE FOUND MY HERO ♪
♪ BUT IT'S A QUEER ROMANCE ♪
♪ ALL THAT IT TAKES IS A

♪ BUT IT'S A QUEER ROMANCE ♪
♪ ALL THAT IT TAKES IS A
TICKET ♪

♪ ALL THAT IT TAKES IS A
TICKET ♪
♪ COME ON, BIG BOY ♪

TICKET ♪
♪ COME ON, BIG BOY ♪
♪ ONLY 10 ♪

♪ COME ON, BIG BOY ♪
♪ ONLY 10 ♪
♪ CENTS ♪

♪ ONLY 10 ♪
♪ CENTS ♪
♪ A DANCE ♪

♪ CENTS ♪
♪ A DANCE ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

10 CENTS A DANCE.
10 CENTS... SMALL CHANGE.
SMALL CHANGE USED TO BE ABLE TO

10 CENTS... SMALL CHANGE.
SMALL CHANGE USED TO BE ABLE TO
BUY SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY.

SMALL CHANGE USED TO BE ABLE TO
BUY SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY.
PEOPLE FORGET THAT.

BUY SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY.
PEOPLE FORGET THAT.
BUT NOT THE FOLKS ON

PEOPLE FORGET THAT.
BUT NOT THE FOLKS ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT."

BUT NOT THE FOLKS ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT."
THAT'S WHY WE'VE TAKEN THIS

"SATURDAY NIGHT."
THAT'S WHY WE'VE TAKEN THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY HOMAGE TO

THAT'S WHY WE'VE TAKEN THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY HOMAGE TO
SMALL CHANGE WITH THIS, A

OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY HOMAGE TO
SMALL CHANGE WITH THIS, A
MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN

SMALL CHANGE WITH THIS, A
MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN
COINAGE.

MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN
COINAGE.
STARTING WITH MY PERSONAL

COINAGE.
STARTING WITH MY PERSONAL
FAVORITE, THE PENNY.

STARTING WITH MY PERSONAL
FAVORITE, THE PENNY.
♪ EVERY TIME IT RAINS, IT RAINS

FAVORITE, THE PENNY.
♪ EVERY TIME IT RAINS, IT RAINS
PENNIES FROM HEAVEN ♪

♪ EVERY TIME IT RAINS, IT RAINS
PENNIES FROM HEAVEN ♪
♪ DON'T YOU KNOW EACH CLOUD

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN ♪
♪ DON'T YOU KNOW EACH CLOUD
CONTAINS, YEAH, PENNIES FROM

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW EACH CLOUD
CONTAINS, YEAH, PENNIES FROM
HEAVEN? ♪

CONTAINS, YEAH, PENNIES FROM
HEAVEN? ♪
♪ YOU'LL FIND YOUR FORTUNE

HEAVEN? ♪
♪ YOU'LL FIND YOUR FORTUNE
FALLING ALL OVER TOWN ♪

♪ YOU'LL FIND YOUR FORTUNE
FALLING ALL OVER TOWN ♪
♪ CA-CHING, OH, OH ♪

FALLING ALL OVER TOWN ♪
♪ CA-CHING, OH, OH ♪
♪ BE SURE THAT YOUR UMBRELLA IS

♪ CA-CHING, OH, OH ♪
♪ BE SURE THAT YOUR UMBRELLA IS
UPSIDE DOWN ♪

♪ BE SURE THAT YOUR UMBRELLA IS
UPSIDE DOWN ♪
MY MAIN MAN, CHEVY CHASE.

UPSIDE DOWN ♪
MY MAIN MAN, CHEVY CHASE.
OKAY, THANK YOU, GARRETT.

MY MAIN MAN, CHEVY CHASE.
OKAY, THANK YOU, GARRETT.
WHAT ABOUT THAT WILD, WACKY...

OKAY, THANK YOU, GARRETT.
WHAT ABOUT THAT WILD, WACKY...
NICKEL, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT THAT WILD, WACKY...
NICKEL, HUH?
♪ PUT ANOTHER NICKEL IN ♪

NICKEL, HUH?
♪ PUT ANOTHER NICKEL IN ♪
♪ IN THE NICKELODEON ♪

♪ PUT ANOTHER NICKEL IN ♪
♪ IN THE NICKELODEON ♪
♪ ALL I WANT IS HAVING YOU AND

♪ IN THE NICKELODEON ♪
♪ ALL I WANT IS HAVING YOU AND
MUSIC ♪

♪ ALL I WANT IS HAVING YOU AND
MUSIC ♪
♪ I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ♪

MUSIC ♪
♪ I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ♪
♪ ANY... ♪

♪ I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ♪
♪ ANY... ♪
♪ MUSIC ♪

♪ ANY... ♪
♪ MUSIC ♪
[LAUGHTER]

♪ MUSIC ♪
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW...
YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW...
YOU KNOW...
IN EVERY TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN

YOU KNOW...
IN EVERY TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN
COINAGE... AND THERE HAVE BEEN A

IN EVERY TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN
COINAGE... AND THERE HAVE BEEN A
COUPLE.

COINAGE... AND THERE HAVE BEEN A
COUPLE.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST.

COUPLE.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST.
WE SHOULDN'T FORGET THE DIME.

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST.
WE SHOULDN'T FORGET THE DIME.
♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪

WE SHOULDN'T FORGET THE DIME.
♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ MADE IT RUN ♪

♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ MADE IT RUN ♪
♪ MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME ♪

♪ MADE IT RUN ♪
♪ MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME ♪
♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪

♪ MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME ♪
♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ NOW IT'S DONE ♪

♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ NOW IT'S DONE ♪
♪ BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE ♪

♪ NOW IT'S DONE ♪
♪ BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE ♪
♪ A DI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ME? ♪

♪ BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE ♪
♪ A DI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ME? ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ A DI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ME? ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, THANK YOU.
PAUL SHAFFER ON THE PIANO.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, THANK YOU.
PAUL SHAFFER ON THE PIANO.
THANK YOU.

OF COURSE, LAST, BUT NOT

LEAST, THERE'S THE...

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S THE QUARTER.

♪ IT'S A QUARTER TO 3:00 ♪

♪ THERE'S NOBODY IN THE PLACE ♪

♪ EXCEPT YOU AND ME ♪

♪ SO, SET THEM UP, JOE ♪

♪ I'VE GOT A LITTLE STORY ♪

♪ I THINK YOU OUGHT TO KNOW ♪

♪ WE'RE DRINKING, MY FRIEND ♪

♪ TO THE END ♪

♪ OF ANOTHER EPISODE ♪

♪ SO MAKE IT ONE FOR MY BABY ♪

♪ AND ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD ♪

♪ THAT LONG ♪

♪ LONG ♪

♪ LONG ROAD ♪

[APPLAUSE]