Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Candice Bergen/Esther Phillips - full transcript

Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.

GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
[BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION TO

UNITED STATES.
[BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION TO
"HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, MEMBERS OF THE

PRESS, AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY,

FIRST MAY I THANK YOU ALL FOR

BEING HERE.

AND I AM... AND MY IMMEDIATE
FAMILY, FIRST MAY I THANK YOU
ALL FOR BEING HERE, AND I AM...

FAMILY, FIRST MAY I THANK YOU
ALL FOR BEING HERE, AND I AM...
AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

ALL FOR BEING HERE, AND I AM...
AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.



AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.
AND I AM TRULY HONORED TO BE

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.
AND I AM TRULY HONORED TO BE
ASKED BY YOU TO OPEN THE

AND I AM TRULY HONORED TO BE
ASKED BY YOU TO OPEN THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WITH

ASKED BY YOU TO OPEN THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WITH
HARVEY COSELL.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WITH
HARVEY COSELL.
[CHUCKLES]

HARVEY COSELL.
[CHUCKLES]
I DO HAVE...

[CHUCKLES]
I DO HAVE...
I DO HAVE TWO MAJOR

I DO HAVE...
I DO HAVE TWO MAJOR
ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE.

I DO HAVE TWO MAJOR
ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE.
WHOOP! UH-OH!

ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE.
WHOOP! UH-OH!
NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.

WHOOP! UH-OH!
NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM. OKAY.

NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM. OKAY.
MY FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT IS ONE I

NO PROBLEM. OKAY.
MY FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT IS ONE I
THINK YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING

MY FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT IS ONE I
THINK YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING
FOR.



THINK YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING
FOR.
OH! NO PROBLEM!

FOR.
OH! NO PROBLEM!
NOPE! OKAY. NO PROBLEM.

OH! NO PROBLEM!
NOPE! OKAY. NO PROBLEM.
SORRY. NO PROBLEM.

I KNOW A FELLOW WHO IS GOING TO
ENTER THE NEW HAMPSHIRE,
MASSACHUSETTS, FLORIDA, AND

ENTER THE NEW HAMPSHIRE,
MASSACHUSETTS, FLORIDA, AND
EVERY OTHER PRIMARY.

MASSACHUSETTS, FLORIDA, AND
EVERY OTHER PRIMARY.
AND I KNOW HE IS GOING TO WIN.

EVERY OTHER PRIMARY.
AND I KNOW HE IS GOING TO WIN.
AND IF HE HAS ANY OTHER

AND I KNOW HE IS GOING TO WIN.
AND IF HE HAS ANY OTHER
COMPETITION RIGHT UP TO THE END

AND IF HE HAS ANY OTHER
COMPETITION RIGHT UP TO THE END
OF 1976, THANK YOU!

COMPETITION RIGHT UP TO THE END
OF 1976, THANK YOU!
HEY.

OF 1976, THANK YOU!
HEY.
UH-OH!

HEY.
UH-OH!
NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.

UH-OH!
NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.
AND IF I DON'T WIN, I WILL

NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.
AND IF I DON'T WIN, I WILL
CONTINUE TO RUN IN THE

AND IF I DON'T WIN, I WILL
CONTINUE TO RUN IN THE
PRIMARIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE

CONTINUE TO RUN IN THE
PRIMARIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE
NONE.

PRIMARIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE
NONE.
AND NOW FOR MY SECOND

NONE.
AND NOW FOR MY SECOND
ANNOUNCEMENT.

AND NOW FOR MY SECOND
ANNOUNCEMENT.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

ANNOUNCEMENT.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING...
WITH...

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLAYERS...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CANDICE BERGEN!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CANDICE BERGEN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE
TONIGHT.

I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE
TONIGHT.
I AM ALSO ESPECIALLY HAPPY TO BE

TONIGHT.
I AM ALSO ESPECIALLY HAPPY TO BE
HERE AS "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" FIRST

I AM ALSO ESPECIALLY HAPPY TO BE
HERE AS "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" FIRST
WOMAN HOST.

HERE AS "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" FIRST
WOMAN HOST.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOMAN HOST.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS MAY NOT MAKE UP FOR THE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS MAY NOT MAKE UP FOR THE
E.R.A. VOTE THE OTHER DAY, BUT

THIS MAY NOT MAKE UP FOR THE
E.R.A. VOTE THE OTHER DAY, BUT
AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING.

E.R.A. VOTE THE OTHER DAY, BUT
AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT

AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT
REHEARSALS HAVE BEEN VERY

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT
REHEARSALS HAVE BEEN VERY
HECTIC, BUT VERY EXCITING.

REHEARSALS HAVE BEEN VERY
HECTIC, BUT VERY EXCITING.
THE WHOLE CREW HERE HAS MADE ME

HECTIC, BUT VERY EXCITING.
THE WHOLE CREW HERE HAS MADE ME
FEEL VERY MUCH...

THE WHOLE CREW HERE HAS MADE ME
FEEL VERY MUCH...
CANDICE, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

FEEL VERY MUCH...
CANDICE, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
DON'T MOVE.

CANDICE, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
DON'T MOVE.
THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR HAND.

DON'T MOVE.
THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR HAND.
UM... UH, I'M ALLERGIC TO

THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR HAND.
UM... UH, I'M ALLERGIC TO
BEES.

UM... UH, I'M ALLERGIC TO
BEES.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

BEES.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
IT'S OKAY.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?
IT'S OKAY.
JUST GO ON. IGNORE THE BEE.

IT'S OKAY.
JUST GO ON. IGNORE THE BEE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

JUST GO ON. IGNORE THE BEE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
YOU JUST GO ON. GO ON.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
YOU JUST GO ON. GO ON.
JUST GO ON WITH THE SHOW?

YOU JUST GO ON. GO ON.
JUST GO ON WITH THE SHOW?
UM...

JUST GO ON WITH THE SHOW?
UM...
WE HAVE ESTHER PHILLIPS WITH US

UM...
WE HAVE ESTHER PHILLIPS WITH US
TONIGHT.

WE HAVE ESTHER PHILLIPS WITH US
TONIGHT.
CHEVY, DON'T HURT THE BEE.

TONIGHT.
CHEVY, DON'T HURT THE BEE.
DON'T HURT THE BEE.

CHEVY, DON'T HURT THE BEE.
DON'T HURT THE BEE.
OH, I WON'T HURT THE BEE.

DON'T HURT THE BEE.
OH, I WON'T HURT THE BEE.
NO. IT'S JUST A SCRIPT.

OH, I WON'T HURT THE BEE.
NO. IT'S JUST A SCRIPT.
I'M JUST GONNA SHOO IT AWAY.

NO. IT'S JUST A SCRIPT.
I'M JUST GONNA SHOO IT AWAY.
GO ON, LITTLE BEE. GO ON.

I'M JUST GONNA SHOO IT AWAY.
GO ON, LITTLE BEE. GO ON.
[BLOWS]

GO ON, LITTLE BEE. GO ON.
[BLOWS]
GO ON. SHOO, SHOO.

[BLOWS]
GO ON. SHOO, SHOO.
OH!

GO ON. SHOO, SHOO.
OH!
I TOLD YOU NOT TO HURT HIM.

OH!
I TOLD YOU NOT TO HURT HIM.
NOW YOU'VE KILLED HIM.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO HURT HIM.
NOW YOU'VE KILLED HIM.
HE'S JUST STUNNED.

NOW YOU'VE KILLED HIM.
HE'S JUST STUNNED.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.

HE'S JUST STUNNED.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU OKAY, LITTLE BEE?

HE'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU OKAY, LITTLE BEE?
YOU OKAY THERE, LITTLE FELLOW?

YOU OKAY, LITTLE BEE?
YOU OKAY THERE, LITTLE FELLOW?
EVERYTHING OKAY?

YOU OKAY THERE, LITTLE FELLOW?
EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEAH.

EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEAH.
I ASKED HIM NOT TO HURT YOU,

YEAH.
I ASKED HIM NOT TO HURT YOU,
DIDN'T I?

I ASKED HIM NOT TO HURT YOU,
DIDN'T I?
YOU HEARD ME.

DIDN'T I?
YOU HEARD ME.
OKAY.

YOU HEARD ME.
OKAY.
OKAY.

OKAY.
OKAY.
HE'S GOING AWAY.

OKAY.
HE'S GOING AWAY.
HE'LL BE FINE.

HE'S GOING AWAY.
HE'LL BE FINE.
THANK YOU, CHEVY.

HE'LL BE FINE.
THANK YOU, CHEVY.
I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, CHEVY.
I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH.
OH, LET'S SEE, ESTHER PHILLIPS,

I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH.
OH, LET'S SEE, ESTHER PHILLIPS,
ANDY KAUFMAN, THE "SATURDAY

OH, LET'S SEE, ESTHER PHILLIPS,
ANDY KAUFMAN, THE "SATURDAY
NIGHT" REGULARS ARE WITH US

ANDY KAUFMAN, THE "SATURDAY
NIGHT" REGULARS ARE WITH US
TONIGHT.

NIGHT" REGULARS ARE WITH US
TONIGHT.
AND WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE...

TONIGHT.
AND WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE...
WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY

AND WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE...
WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY
EXCITING SHOW.

WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY
EXCITING SHOW.
AND WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS

EXCITING SHOW.
AND WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS
FILMED MESSAGE.

SANDWICHES AGAIN TONIGHT?
YOU KNOW I CAN'T STRETCH THE
FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T STRETCH THE
FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER.
WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB?

FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER.
WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB?
ARE YOU STUCK IN A

WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB?
ARE YOU STUCK IN A
GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB?

ARE YOU STUCK IN A
GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB?
IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO

GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB?
IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO
START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE

IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO
START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE
WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY

START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE
WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY
AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN

WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY
AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN
COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE

AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN
COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE
AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE.

COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE
AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE.
AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND

AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE.
AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND
GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS

AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND
GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS
CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE

GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS
CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE
SOCIAL ELITE.

CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE
SOCIAL ELITE.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP

SOCIAL ELITE.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP
AFTER THEMSELVES.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP
AFTER THEMSELVES.
AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF

AFTER THEMSELVES.
AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF
PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE.

AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF
PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE.
THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT

PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE.
THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT
WORKING HARD, AND THEY'RE OFTEN

THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT
WORKING HARD, AND THEY'RE OFTEN
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

WORKING HARD, AND THEY'RE OFTEN
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
AND THE FOOD?

THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
AND THE FOOD?
FANTASTIC!

AND THE FOOD?
FANTASTIC!
AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST

FANTASTIC!
AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST
GOURMET FOOD AT BIG FANCY DINNER

AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST
GOURMET FOOD AT BIG FANCY DINNER
PARTIES IN PALACES AND EMBASSIES

GOURMET FOOD AT BIG FANCY DINNER
PARTIES IN PALACES AND EMBASSIES
AND TRADE CENTERS.

PARTIES IN PALACES AND EMBASSIES
AND TRADE CENTERS.
TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A

AND TRADE CENTERS.
TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A
CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS

TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A
CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS
EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE

CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS
EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE
PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME.

EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE
PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME.
LISTEN CLOSELY.

PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME.
LISTEN CLOSELY.
YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME

LISTEN CLOSELY.
YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME
FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE

YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME
FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE
SAYS SOMETHING ANTI-AMERICAN.

FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE
SAYS SOMETHING ANTI-AMERICAN.
YOU...

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY
PEOPLE SAY "A."
BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU

PEOPLE SAY "A."
BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU
HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK

BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU
HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK
DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET.

HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK
DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET.
WHEN YOU ENROLL AT AMBASSADOR

DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET.
WHEN YOU ENROLL AT AMBASSADOR
TRAINING INSTITUTE, YOU'LL LEARN

WHEN YOU ENROLL AT AMBASSADOR
TRAINING INSTITUTE, YOU'LL LEARN
HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS GRACIOUSLY,

TRAINING INSTITUTE, YOU'LL LEARN
HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS GRACIOUSLY,
HOW TO PROPOSE TOASTS.

HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS GRACIOUSLY,
HOW TO PROPOSE TOASTS.
YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE,

HOW TO PROPOSE TOASTS.
YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE,
"DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN,"

YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE,
"DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN,"
"I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF

"DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN,"
"I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF
STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND

"I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF
STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND
SOUR SHRIMP."

STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND
SOUR SHRIMP."
NOW, HERE'S HOW TO GET YOUR FREE

SOUR SHRIMP."
NOW, HERE'S HOW TO GET YOUR FREE
BOOKLET.

JUST SEND $300,000 AND THE NAME

OF THE COUNTRY TO WHICH YOU'D

LIKE TO BE AMBASSADOR TO...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO, CIA, DEPARTMENT OF
RECORDS, SCRAMBLE LINE SIX.

HELLO, CIA, DEPARTMENT OF
RECORDS, SCRAMBLE LINE SIX.
WELL, THANK YOU.

RECORDS, SCRAMBLE LINE SIX.
WELL, THANK YOU.
WHY ARE WE ALWAYS THE LAST TO

WELL, THANK YOU.
WHY ARE WE ALWAYS THE LAST TO
KNOW?

WHY ARE WE ALWAYS THE LAST TO
KNOW?
[SIGHS]

KNOW?
[SIGHS]
DOWN WITH COLBY...

[SIGHS]
DOWN WITH COLBY...
UP WITH BUSH.

DOWN WITH COLBY...
UP WITH BUSH.
WAY TO GO, BILL.

UP WITH BUSH.
WAY TO GO, BILL.
I WAS TOLD THAT AS AN

WAY TO GO, BILL.
I WAS TOLD THAT AS AN
AMERICAN CITIZEN, I GOT A RIGHT

I WAS TOLD THAT AS AN
AMERICAN CITIZEN, I GOT A RIGHT
TO KNOW IF THE CIA's GOT A FILE

AMERICAN CITIZEN, I GOT A RIGHT
TO KNOW IF THE CIA's GOT A FILE
ON ME AND THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO KNOW IF THE CIA's GOT A FILE
ON ME AND THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO SHOW IT TO ME.

ON ME AND THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO SHOW IT TO ME.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE THERE.

TO SHOW IT TO ME.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE THERE.
CAN'T YOU PREFACE YOUR REMARKS

WAIT JUST A MINUTE THERE.
CAN'T YOU PREFACE YOUR REMARKS
WITH A SIMPLE "GOOD MORNING"?

CAN'T YOU PREFACE YOUR REMARKS
WITH A SIMPLE "GOOD MORNING"?
GOOD MORNING.

WITH A SIMPLE "GOOD MORNING"?
GOOD MORNING.
CAN I HELP YOU?

GOOD MORNING.
CAN I HELP YOU?
THE LAW SAYS THAT IF YOU GOT

CAN I HELP YOU?
THE LAW SAYS THAT IF YOU GOT
A FILE ON ME, I GOT A RIGHT TO

THE LAW SAYS THAT IF YOU GOT
A FILE ON ME, I GOT A RIGHT TO
SEE IT.

A FILE ON ME, I GOT A RIGHT TO
SEE IT.
YES, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO

SEE IT.
YES, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO
SEE IT, BUT HAVING THE RIGHT TO

YES, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO
SEE IT, BUT HAVING THE RIGHT TO
SEE IT AND ACTUALLY SEEING IT

SEE IT, BUT HAVING THE RIGHT TO
SEE IT AND ACTUALLY SEEING IT
ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS...

SEE IT AND ACTUALLY SEEING IT
ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS...
VERY DIFFERENT.

ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS...
VERY DIFFERENT.
WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT?

VERY DIFFERENT.
WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT?
WELL, LOOK AT THIS, MAN.

WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT?
WELL, LOOK AT THIS, MAN.
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ORDER?

WELL, LOOK AT THIS, MAN.
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ORDER?
THIS ISN'T ORDER.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ORDER?
THIS ISN'T ORDER.
THIS IS ABSOLUTE CHAOS!

THIS ISN'T ORDER.
THIS IS ABSOLUTE CHAOS!
EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON HAS BEEN

THIS IS ABSOLUTE CHAOS!
EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON HAS BEEN
THROUGH THIS OFFICE!

EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON HAS BEEN
THROUGH THIS OFFICE!
I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO WAS IN HERE

THROUGH THIS OFFICE!
I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO WAS IN HERE
LAST NIGHT.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO WAS IN HERE
LAST NIGHT.
I CAN'T FIND A THING.

LAST NIGHT.
I CAN'T FIND A THING.
I CAN'T EVEN FIND A PAPER CLIP.

I CAN'T FIND A THING.
I CAN'T EVEN FIND A PAPER CLIP.
BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I CAN'T EVEN FIND A PAPER CLIP.
BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
NAME?

BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
NAME?
I BEG YOUR PARDON?

NAME?
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
I SAID, "NAME?"

I BEG YOUR PARDON?
I SAID, "NAME?"
GARRETT MORRIS.

I SAID, "NAME?"
GARRETT MORRIS.
THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.

GARRETT MORRIS.
THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.
I NEVER LIKED IT THAT MUCH...

THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.
I NEVER LIKED IT THAT MUCH...
I HAVE 3,677 GARRETT MORRISES

I NEVER LIKED IT THAT MUCH...
I HAVE 3,677 GARRETT MORRISES
IN THIS FILING BANK ALONE.

I HAVE 3,677 GARRETT MORRISES
IN THIS FILING BANK ALONE.
I HAVE GARRETT MORRISES HERE,

IN THIS FILING BANK ALONE.
I HAVE GARRETT MORRISES HERE,
HERE, HERE, HERE WITH THE

I HAVE GARRETT MORRISES HERE,
HERE, HERE, HERE WITH THE
PACKING CLEARANCES.

HERE, HERE, HERE WITH THE
PACKING CLEARANCES.
HAVE YOU EVER CHANGED YOUR NAME

PACKING CLEARANCES.
HAVE YOU EVER CHANGED YOUR NAME
TO "X"?

HAVE YOU EVER CHANGED YOUR NAME
TO "X"?
OH, I DID CHANGE IT TO

TO "X"?
OH, I DID CHANGE IT TO
"GARRETT BARAKA."

OH, I DID CHANGE IT TO
"GARRETT BARAKA."
BARAKA.

"GARRETT BARAKA."
BARAKA.
YOU WERE ON THE AFRICAN KICK

BARAKA.
YOU WERE ON THE AFRICAN KICK
FOR A WHILE... YOU AND 32,688

YOU WERE ON THE AFRICAN KICK
FOR A WHILE... YOU AND 32,688
OTHER BLACK AMERICANS.

FOR A WHILE... YOU AND 32,688
OTHER BLACK AMERICANS.
SOMETHING ELSE... DID YOU EVER

OTHER BLACK AMERICANS.
SOMETHING ELSE... DID YOU EVER
COMMIT AN ILLEGAL ACT OR

SOMETHING ELSE... DID YOU EVER
COMMIT AN ILLEGAL ACT OR
SOMETHING?

COMMIT AN ILLEGAL ACT OR
SOMETHING?
OH, YEAH, UH, I RAN GUNS.

SOMETHING?
OH, YEAH, UH, I RAN GUNS.
OH, MR. MORRIS, ARE YOU AWARE

OH, YEAH, UH, I RAN GUNS.
OH, MR. MORRIS, ARE YOU AWARE
OF HOW MANY PEOPLE ILLEGALLY

OH, MR. MORRIS, ARE YOU AWARE
OF HOW MANY PEOPLE ILLEGALLY
TRANSPORT FIREARMS ACROSS STATE

OF HOW MANY PEOPLE ILLEGALLY
TRANSPORT FIREARMS ACROSS STATE
LINES IN THIS COUNTRY EACH YEAR?

TRANSPORT FIREARMS ACROSS STATE
LINES IN THIS COUNTRY EACH YEAR?
WELL, HOLD ON.

LINES IN THIS COUNTRY EACH YEAR?
WELL, HOLD ON.
WAIT A MINUTE.

WELL, HOLD ON.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I ALSO...

WAIT A MINUTE.
I ALSO...
MILLIONS! MILLIONS OF THEM!

I ALSO...
MILLIONS! MILLIONS OF THEM!
I HAVE SHEAVES OF FILES.

MILLIONS! MILLIONS OF THEM!
I HAVE SHEAVES OF FILES.
SOMETHING OUTSTANDING... I CAN'T

I HAVE SHEAVES OF FILES.
SOMETHING OUTSTANDING... I CAN'T
WORK WITH THIS.

SOMETHING OUTSTANDING... I CAN'T
WORK WITH THIS.
WAIT A MINUTE.

WORK WITH THIS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I ALSO SOLD ILLEGAL NARCOTICS,

WAIT A MINUTE.
I ALSO SOLD ILLEGAL NARCOTICS,
SINCE 1968.

I ALSO SOLD ILLEGAL NARCOTICS,
SINCE 1968.
I HAVE NO TIME FOR JOKES,

SINCE 1968.
I HAVE NO TIME FOR JOKES,
MR. MORRIS.

I HAVE NO TIME FOR JOKES,
MR. MORRIS.
WELL, IN OAKLAND, MAN, I WAS,

MR. MORRIS.
WELL, IN OAKLAND, MAN, I WAS,
UH, THE MINISTER OF DEFENSE FOR

WELL, IN OAKLAND, MAN, I WAS,
UH, THE MINISTER OF DEFENSE FOR
A...

UH, THE MINISTER OF DEFENSE FOR
A...
RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS... IN A

A...
RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS... IN A
DIMLY LIT VAULT DOWN THE HALL, I

RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS... IN A
DIMLY LIT VAULT DOWN THE HALL, I
HAVE 6 POUNDS OF MATERIAL ON

DIMLY LIT VAULT DOWN THE HALL, I
HAVE 6 POUNDS OF MATERIAL ON
RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS.

HAVE 6 POUNDS OF MATERIAL ON
RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO

RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO
GIVE ME SOMETHING MORE IF WE'RE

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO
GIVE ME SOMETHING MORE IF WE'RE
GOING TO FIND YOUR FILE.

GIVE ME SOMETHING MORE IF WE'RE
GOING TO FIND YOUR FILE.
I... I ACTIVELY, UH,

GOING TO FIND YOUR FILE.
I... I ACTIVELY, UH,
ADVOCATED THE OVERTHROW OF THE

I... I ACTIVELY, UH,
ADVOCATED THE OVERTHROW OF THE
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.

ADVOCATED THE OVERTHROW OF THE
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.
YOU AND 6.4 PERCENT OF THE

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.
YOU AND 6.4 PERCENT OF THE
AMERICAN POPULACE.

YOU AND 6.4 PERCENT OF THE
AMERICAN POPULACE.
OH, WAIT, WAIT.

AMERICAN POPULACE.
OH, WAIT, WAIT.
I ALSO CONSPIRED TO INCITE A

OH, WAIT, WAIT.
I ALSO CONSPIRED TO INCITE A
RIOT.

I ALSO CONSPIRED TO INCITE A
RIOT.
THAT'S RIGHT, I CROSSED STATE

RIOT.
THAT'S RIGHT, I CROSSED STATE
LINES...

THAT'S RIGHT, I CROSSED STATE
LINES...
"CONSPIRED TO INCITE A RIOT."

LINES...
"CONSPIRED TO INCITE A RIOT."
WELL, YIPPEE!

"CONSPIRED TO INCITE A RIOT."
WELL, YIPPEE!
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO

WELL, YIPPEE!
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO
BETTER THAN THAT.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO
BETTER THAN THAT.
HEY, MAN, WAIT A MINUTE!

BETTER THAN THAT.
HEY, MAN, WAIT A MINUTE!
I BOMBED... THAT'S RIGHT, I

HEY, MAN, WAIT A MINUTE!
I BOMBED... THAT'S RIGHT, I
BOMBED THE FEDERAL RESERVE BANK.

I BOMBED... THAT'S RIGHT, I
BOMBED THE FEDERAL RESERVE BANK.
THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

BOMBED THE FEDERAL RESERVE BANK.
THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
ANYTHING ELSE?

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
ANYTHING ELSE?
THE BIG ONE... FIVE

ANYTHING ELSE?
THE BIG ONE... FIVE
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS.

THE BIG ONE... FIVE
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
YOU'RE BEING NO HELP AT ALL

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
YOU'RE BEING NO HELP AT ALL
HERE.

YOU'RE BEING NO HELP AT ALL
HERE.
YOU COME IN HERE.

HERE.
YOU COME IN HERE.
YOU WANT US TO FIND A FILE ON

YOU COME IN HERE.
YOU WANT US TO FIND A FILE ON
YOU.

YOU WANT US TO FIND A FILE ON
YOU.
YOU COME IN HERE WITH THIS

YOU.
YOU COME IN HERE WITH THIS
PATSIFIED DRIVEL OF KNOWLEDGE

YOU COME IN HERE WITH THIS
PATSIFIED DRIVEL OF KNOWLEDGE
AND EXPECT US TO WORK HERE?

PATSIFIED DRIVEL OF KNOWLEDGE
AND EXPECT US TO WORK HERE?
I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THIS

AND EXPECT US TO WORK HERE?
I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THIS
OFFICE.

I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THIS
OFFICE.
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN IN HERE.

OFFICE.
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN IN HERE.
THESE CONGRESSIONAL AIDES ASKING

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN IN HERE.
THESE CONGRESSIONAL AIDES ASKING
FOR TAPE-RECORDER BATTERIES...

THESE CONGRESSIONAL AIDES ASKING
FOR TAPE-RECORDER BATTERIES...
THEY DON'T HAVE SECURITY

FOR TAPE-RECORDER BATTERIES...
THEY DON'T HAVE SECURITY
CLEARANCE.

THEY DON'T HAVE SECURITY
CLEARANCE.
GIVE ME SOME TIME ON THIS,

CLEARANCE.
GIVE ME SOME TIME ON THIS,
PERHAPS A MONTH, PERHAPS A YEAR.

GIVE ME SOME TIME ON THIS,
PERHAPS A MONTH, PERHAPS A YEAR.
I DON'T KNOW.

PERHAPS A MONTH, PERHAPS A YEAR.
I DON'T KNOW.
I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.
I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW.
FILL OUT THIS CARD HERE.

I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW.
FILL OUT THIS CARD HERE.
PUT YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS ON

FILL OUT THIS CARD HERE.
PUT YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS ON
IT, VITAL STATISTICS.

PUT YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS ON
IT, VITAL STATISTICS.
IF SOMETHING COMES UP... NOT

IT, VITAL STATISTICS.
IF SOMETHING COMES UP... NOT
THAT ONE, THIS ONE HERE.

IF SOMETHING COMES UP... NOT
THAT ONE, THIS ONE HERE.
THAT'S MINE.

THAT ONE, THIS ONE HERE.
THAT'S MINE.
IF SOMETHING COMES UP, WE'LL LET

THAT'S MINE.
IF SOMETHING COMES UP, WE'LL LET
YOU KNOW.

IF SOMETHING COMES UP, WE'LL LET
YOU KNOW.
THE LAST TWO SPACES DON'T MATTER

YOU KNOW.
THE LAST TWO SPACES DON'T MATTER
AT ALL.

THE LAST TWO SPACES DON'T MATTER
AT ALL.
OKAY, THANKS.

AT ALL.
OKAY, THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.

OKAY, THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
THESE YOUNG-FACED CONGRESSIONAL

ALL RIGHT, THEN.
THESE YOUNG-FACED CONGRESSIONAL
AIDES, COULDN'T BE 25 YEARS OF

THESE YOUNG-FACED CONGRESSIONAL
AIDES, COULDN'T BE 25 YEARS OF
AGE...

AIDES, COULDN'T BE 25 YEARS OF
AGE...
RUSS, I WANT A TAP ON 143

AGE...
RUSS, I WANT A TAP ON 143
"L" STREET, APARTMENT 8.

RUSS, I WANT A TAP ON 143
"L" STREET, APARTMENT 8.
SALLY, COME IN HERE AND GET SOME

"L" STREET, APARTMENT 8.
SALLY, COME IN HERE AND GET SOME
PRINTS OFF THIS PENCIL.

SALLY, COME IN HERE AND GET SOME
PRINTS OFF THIS PENCIL.
WE'RE OPENING A NEW SUBJECT

PRINTS OFF THIS PENCIL.
WE'RE OPENING A NEW SUBJECT
FILE.

WE'RE OPENING A NEW SUBJECT
FILE.
THAT'S "MORRIS"...

FILE.
THAT'S "MORRIS"...
M-O-DOUBLE-R-I-S.

THAT'S "MORRIS"...
M-O-DOUBLE-R-I-S.
G-A-R-R-E-T-T.

["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]
WHO IS IT?
THIS IS [MUMBLES]

WHO IS IT?
THIS IS [MUMBLES]
WHO IS IT?

THIS IS [MUMBLES]
WHO IS IT?
PLUMBER.

WHO IS IT?
PLUMBER.
PLUMBER?

PLUMBER.
PLUMBER?
I DIDN'T ASK FOR A PLUMBER.

PLUMBER?
I DIDN'T ASK FOR A PLUMBER.
WHO IS IT?

I DIDN'T ASK FOR A PLUMBER.
WHO IS IT?
TELEGRAM.

WHO IS IT?
TELEGRAM.
OH, TELEGRAM.

TELEGRAM.
OH, TELEGRAM.
JUST A MOMENT.

OH, TELEGRAM.
JUST A MOMENT.
AAAH!

OH, MY GOD!
YOU CAN'T TELL ME THIS WOMAN WAS
KILLED BY FALLING OUT OF A TREE.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME THIS WOMAN WAS
KILLED BY FALLING OUT OF A TREE.
WHAT IS IT?

KILLED BY FALLING OUT OF A TREE.
WHAT IS IT?
LAND SHARK... THE CLEVEREST

WHAT IS IT?
LAND SHARK... THE CLEVEREST
SPECIES OF THEM ALL.

LAND SHARK... THE CLEVEREST
SPECIES OF THEM ALL.
OH, MY GOD.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[MUSIC STOPS]
["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]
["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]
YES?

["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]
YES?
MRS. ARLSBERGH?

YES?
MRS. ARLSBERGH?
WHO?

MRS. ARLSBERGH?
WHO?
MRS. [MUMBLES]

WHO?
MRS. [MUMBLES]
WHO IS IT?

MRS. [MUMBLES]
WHO IS IT?
FLOWERS.

WHO IS IT?
FLOWERS.
FLOWERS FOR WHOM?

FLOWERS.
FLOWERS FOR WHOM?
PLUMBER, MA'AM.

FLOWERS FOR WHOM?
PLUMBER, MA'AM.
I DON'T NEED A PLUMBER.

PLUMBER, MA'AM.
I DON'T NEED A PLUMBER.
YOU'RE THAT CLEVER SHARK, AREN'T

I DON'T NEED A PLUMBER.
YOU'RE THAT CLEVER SHARK, AREN'T
YOU?

YOU'RE THAT CLEVER SHARK, AREN'T
YOU?
CANDYGRAM.

YOU?
CANDYGRAM.
CANDYGRAM, MY FOOT!

CANDYGRAM.
CANDYGRAM, MY FOOT!
YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I

CANDYGRAM, MY FOOT!
YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I
CALL THE POLICE.

YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I
CALL THE POLICE.
YOU'RE THE SHARK, AND YOU KNOW

CALL THE POLICE.
YOU'RE THE SHARK, AND YOU KNOW
IT.

YOU'RE THE SHARK, AND YOU KNOW
IT.
I-I'M ONLY A DOLPHIN, MA'AM.

IT.
I-I'M ONLY A DOLPHIN, MA'AM.
A DOLPHIN?

I-I'M ONLY A DOLPHIN, MA'AM.
A DOLPHIN?
WELL, OKAY.

A DOLPHIN?
WELL, OKAY.
AAAAH!

OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS IT?
EGG SALAD AGAIN.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
WHO IS IT?
LAND SHARK.

WHO IS IT?
LAND SHARK.
OH, WALTER!

LAND SHARK.
OH, WALTER!
"LAND SHARK"... THAT IS THE C...

OH, WALTER!
"LAND SHARK"... THAT IS THE C...
AAAAAH!

HELLO, WALTER?
I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, AND I
HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, AND I
HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS.

HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS.
BETTY AND I ARE HAVING A PARTY

FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS.
BETTY AND I ARE HAVING A PARTY
TONIGHT.

BETTY AND I ARE HAVING A PARTY
TONIGHT.
COME ON OVER.

TONIGHT.
COME ON OVER.
YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.

COME ON OVER.
YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.
NOW THE BAD NEWS... YOU'LL BE

YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.
NOW THE BAD NEWS... YOU'LL BE
COMING STAG.

CONSIDERED THE CLEVEREST
OF ALL SHARKS.
UNLIKE THE GREAT WHITE, WHICH

OF ALL SHARKS.
UNLIKE THE GREAT WHITE, WHICH
TENDS TO INHABIT THE WATERS OF

UNLIKE THE GREAT WHITE, WHICH
TENDS TO INHABIT THE WATERS OF
HARBORS AND RECREATIONAL BEACH

TENDS TO INHABIT THE WATERS OF
HARBORS AND RECREATIONAL BEACH
AREAS, THE LAND SHARK MAY STRIKE

HARBORS AND RECREATIONAL BEACH
AREAS, THE LAND SHARK MAY STRIKE
AT ANY TIME, ANY PLACE.

AREAS, THE LAND SHARK MAY STRIKE
AT ANY TIME, ANY PLACE.
IT IS CAPABLE OF DISGUISING ITS

AT ANY TIME, ANY PLACE.
IT IS CAPABLE OF DISGUISING ITS
VOICE AND GENERALLY ATTACKS

IT IS CAPABLE OF DISGUISING ITS
VOICE AND GENERALLY ATTACKS
YOUNG, SINGLE WOMEN.

VOICE AND GENERALLY ATTACKS
YOUNG, SINGLE WOMEN.
EXPERTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF

YOUNG, SINGLE WOMEN.
EXPERTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF
MIAMI'S OCEANOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE

EXPERTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF
MIAMI'S OCEANOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE
SUGGEST THAT THE BEST WAY TO

MIAMI'S OCEANOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE
SUGGEST THAT THE BEST WAY TO
SCARE OFF THE SHARK IN THE EVENT

SUGGEST THAT THE BEST WAY TO
SCARE OFF THE SHARK IN THE EVENT
OF AN ATTACK IS TO HIT OR PUNCH

SCARE OFF THE SHARK IN THE EVENT
OF AN ATTACK IS TO HIT OR PUNCH
THE PREDATOR IN THE NOSE.

OF AN ATTACK IS TO HIT OR PUNCH
THE PREDATOR IN THE NOSE.
NOW FOR THE WEATHER.

THE PREDATOR IN THE NOSE.
NOW FOR THE WEATHER.
IN THE...

NOW FOR THE WEATHER.
IN THE...
[DOORBELL RINGS]

IN THE...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO IS IT?

[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO IS IT?
["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]

WHO IS IT?
["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]
SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, MA'AM.

["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]
SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, MA'AM.
I'M FROM JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES...

SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, MA'AM.
I'M FROM JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES...
AND THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE

I'M FROM JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES...
AND THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE
INTERESTED IN A COPY OF OUR

AND THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE
INTERESTED IN A COPY OF OUR
JOURNAL, "THE WATCHTOWER."

INTERESTED IN A COPY OF OUR
JOURNAL, "THE WATCHTOWER."
WHY, CERTAINLY.

JOURNAL, "THE WATCHTOWER."
WHY, CERTAINLY.
I'D BE VERY INTERESTED.

WHY, CERTAINLY.
I'D BE VERY INTERESTED.
WOULD YOU MIND OPENING THE

I'D BE VERY INTERESTED.
WOULD YOU MIND OPENING THE
DOOR, PLEASE, MA'AM?

WOULD YOU MIND OPENING THE
DOOR, PLEASE, MA'AM?
UH, SURE. JUST A SECOND.

DOOR, PLEASE, MA'AM?
UH, SURE. JUST A SECOND.
AAH!

UH, SURE. JUST A SECOND.
AAH!
[MUSIC STOPS]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS
SOMEONE I WANTED VERY MUCH TO
HAVE ON THE SHOW...

SOMEONE I WANTED VERY MUCH TO
HAVE ON THE SHOW...
MISS ESTHER PHILLIPS.

HAVE ON THE SHOW...
MISS ESTHER PHILLIPS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, ESTHER, ONE OF US IS GOING
TO SING "WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES."

TO SING "WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES."
SINCE YOU KNOW THE WORDS,

MAKES."
SINCE YOU KNOW THE WORDS,
PROBABLY YOU SHOULD DO IT.

SINCE YOU KNOW THE WORDS,
PROBABLY YOU SHOULD DO IT.
NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD.

PROBABLY YOU SHOULD DO IT.
NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD.
[BAND PLAYS]

NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD.
[BAND PLAYS]
BYE, ESTHER!

[BAND PLAYS]
BYE, ESTHER!
♪ OHH-WA, AHH, OHH-WA, AHHH ♪

BYE, ESTHER!
♪ OHH-WA, AHH, OHH-WA, AHHH ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

♪ OHH-WA, AHH, OHH-WA, AHHH ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪
♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪

MAKES ♪
♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪
♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE

♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪
♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE
FLOWERS ♪

♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE
FLOWERS ♪
♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪

FLOWERS ♪
♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪
♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪

♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪
♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪
♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪

♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪
♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪
♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH,

♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪
♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH,
DEAR ♪

♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH,
DEAR ♪
♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪

DEAR ♪
♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪
♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪

MAKES ♪
♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪
♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪

♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪
♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪
♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪

♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪
♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪
♪ THAT THRILLING KISS ♪

♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪
♪ THAT THRILLING KISS ♪
♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU

♪ THAT THRILLING KISS ♪
♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU
FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪

♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU
FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪
♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

MAKES ♪
♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
♪ OH, YES ♪

♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
♪ OH, YES ♪
♪ OH, YES ♪

♪ OH, YES ♪
♪ OH, YES ♪
♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OH, YES ♪
♪ OHHH ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪

♪ OHHH ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪
♪ OHHH, YES ♪

♪ UH-HUH ♪
♪ OHHH, YES ♪
♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OHHH, YES ♪
♪ OHHH ♪
♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OHHH ♪
♪ OHHH ♪
♪ OHHH, YES ♪

♪ OHHH ♪
♪ OHHH, YES ♪
♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OHHH, YES ♪
♪ OHHH ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

♪ OHHH ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪
♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪

MAKES ♪
♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪
♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE

♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪
♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE
FLOWERS ♪

♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE
FLOWERS ♪
♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪

FLOWERS ♪
♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪
♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪

♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪
♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪
♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪

♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪
♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪
♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH,

♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪
♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH,
DEAR ♪

♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH,
DEAR ♪
♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪

DEAR ♪
♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪
♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪

MAKES ♪
♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪
♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪

♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪
♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪
♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪

♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪
♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪
♪ OH, THAT THRILLING KISS ♪

♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪
♪ OH, THAT THRILLING KISS ♪
♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU

♪ OH, THAT THRILLING KISS ♪
♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU
FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪

♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU
FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪
♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

MAKES ♪
♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
♪ YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU

♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
♪ YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU
YOU, YOU, YOU ♪

♪ YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU
YOU, YOU, YOU ♪
♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU,

YOU, YOU, YOU ♪
♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU,
YEAH ♪

♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU,
YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY

YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY
MAKES ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

MAKES ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU, YEAH ♪
♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

♪ THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU, YEAH ♪
♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALAS, POOR YORICK.
I KNEW HIM, HORATIO... A FELLOW
OF INFINITE JEST, OF MOST

I KNEW HIM, HORATIO... A FELLOW
OF INFINITE JEST, OF MOST
EXCELLENT FANCY.

OF INFINITE JEST, OF MOST
EXCELLENT FANCY.
HE HATH BORNE ME ON HIS BACK A

EXCELLENT FANCY.
HE HATH BORNE ME ON HIS BACK A
THOUSAND TIMES, AND NOW...

HE HATH BORNE ME ON HIS BACK A
THOUSAND TIMES, AND NOW...
HOW ABHORRED IN MY IMAGINATION

THOUSAND TIMES, AND NOW...
HOW ABHORRED IN MY IMAGINATION
IT IS.

HOW ABHORRED IN MY IMAGINATION
IT IS.
MY GORGE RISES AT IT.

IT IS.
MY GORGE RISES AT IT.
HERE... HERE HUNG THOSE LIPS

MY GORGE RISES AT IT.
HERE... HERE HUNG THOSE LIPS
THAT I HAVE KISSED I KNOW NOT

HERE... HERE HUNG THOSE LIPS
THAT I HAVE KISSED I KNOW NOT
HOW OFT.

THAT I HAVE KISSED I KNOW NOT
HOW OFT.
WHERE BE YOUR GIBES NOW, YOUR

HOW OFT.
WHERE BE YOUR GIBES NOW, YOUR
GAMBOLS?

WHERE BE YOUR GIBES NOW, YOUR
GAMBOLS?
WHERE...

GAMBOLS?
WHERE...
ALAS, POOR YORICK.

WHERE...
ALAS, POOR YORICK.
A THOUSAND TIMES.

ALAS, POOR YORICK.
A THOUSAND TIMES.
HELLO, DOLLY!

A THOUSAND TIMES.
HELLO, DOLLY!
POOR... I KNEW HIM REALLY GOOD.

HELLO, DOLLY!
POOR... I KNEW HIM REALLY GOOD.
HE WAS A GREAT GUY.

POOR... I KNEW HIM REALLY GOOD.
HE WAS A GREAT GUY.
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR THE

HE WAS A GREAT GUY.
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR THE
POLAROID COMMERCIAL.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR THE
POLAROID COMMERCIAL.
AH, OKAY.

POLAROID COMMERCIAL.
AH, OKAY.
CANDICE, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO

AH, OKAY.
CANDICE, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU WHAT THIS IS.

CANDICE, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU WHAT THIS IS.
NO, CHEVY, I THINK I'VE SEEN

TELL YOU WHAT THIS IS.
NO, CHEVY, I THINK I'VE SEEN
ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.

NO, CHEVY, I THINK I'VE SEEN
ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.
POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70.

ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.
POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70.
AND WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYBODY

POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70.
AND WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYBODY
WHAT I'M DOING?

AND WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYBODY
WHAT I'M DOING?
WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME

WHAT I'M DOING?
WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME
THROUGH THE LENS, AND NOW YOU'RE

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME
THROUGH THE LENS, AND NOW YOU'RE
FOCUSING.

THROUGH THE LENS, AND NOW YOU'RE
FOCUSING.
YOU DO THAT BY TURNING A LITTLE

FOCUSING.
YOU DO THAT BY TURNING A LITTLE
WHEEL WITH YOUR FINGER.

YOU DO THAT BY TURNING A LITTLE
WHEEL WITH YOUR FINGER.
I SEE A BLURRY FACE.

WHEEL WITH YOUR FINGER.
I SEE A BLURRY FACE.
AND NOW I SEE A SHARP BEE.

I SEE A BLURRY FACE.
AND NOW I SEE A SHARP BEE.
WELL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN

AND NOW I SEE A SHARP BEE.
WELL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN
FOCUS AND READY TO PRESS THE RED

WELL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN
FOCUS AND READY TO PRESS THE RED
ELECTRIC BUTTON.

FOCUS AND READY TO PRESS THE RED
ELECTRIC BUTTON.
ALL RIGHT, TRY TO LOOK

ELECTRIC BUTTON.
ALL RIGHT, TRY TO LOOK
BEAUTIFUL, CANDICE.

ALL RIGHT, TRY TO LOOK
BEAUTIFUL, CANDICE.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

BEAUTIFUL, CANDICE.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
FAR AWAY.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
FAR AWAY.
SX-70 PICTURES DEVELOP BEFORE

FAR AWAY.
SX-70 PICTURES DEVELOP BEFORE
YOUR EYES IN MINUTES, BUT YOU

SX-70 PICTURES DEVELOP BEFORE
YOUR EYES IN MINUTES, BUT YOU
DON'T SEE MUCH AT FIRST, CHEVY.

YOUR EYES IN MINUTES, BUT YOU
DON'T SEE MUCH AT FIRST, CHEVY.
WELL, THIS ONE'S STARTING TO

DON'T SEE MUCH AT FIRST, CHEVY.
WELL, THIS ONE'S STARTING TO
DEVELOP.

WELL, THIS ONE'S STARTING TO
DEVELOP.
AND HERE ARE A FEW WE TOOK A

DEVELOP.
AND HERE ARE A FEW WE TOOK A
LITTLE BIT EARLIER.

AND HERE ARE A FEW WE TOOK A
LITTLE BIT EARLIER.
AND THEY'RE ALREADY DEVELOPED.

LITTLE BIT EARLIER.
AND THEY'RE ALREADY DEVELOPED.
AND THE CAMERA DOES ALL THE

AND THEY'RE ALREADY DEVELOPED.
AND THE CAMERA DOES ALL THE
WORK.

AND THE CAMERA DOES ALL THE
WORK.
THAT'S RIGHT... POLAROID'S

WORK.
THAT'S RIGHT... POLAROID'S
DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA.

THAT'S RIGHT... POLAROID'S
DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA.
YOU LOOK LIKE A TURKEY IN

DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA.
YOU LOOK LIKE A TURKEY IN
THAT COSTUME.

YOU LOOK LIKE A TURKEY IN
THAT COSTUME.
YOU LOOK LIKE A WASP.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A
LITTLE BOY AND MOTHER WOULD
DRESS YOU UP IN HER PRETTIEST

LITTLE BOY AND MOTHER WOULD
DRESS YOU UP IN HER PRETTIEST
THINGS...

DRESS YOU UP IN HER PRETTIEST
THINGS...
THE HOURS OF FUN TOGETHER,

THINGS...
THE HOURS OF FUN TOGETHER,
SHARING SECRETS AND PLANNING

THE HOURS OF FUN TOGETHER,
SHARING SECRETS AND PLANNING
ELEGANT LITTLE TEA PARTIES?

SHARING SECRETS AND PLANNING
ELEGANT LITTLE TEA PARTIES?
WELL, MOTHER IS STILL ONLY

ELEGANT LITTLE TEA PARTIES?
WELL, MOTHER IS STILL ONLY
SECONDS AWAY WHEN YOU DIAL

WELL, MOTHER IS STILL ONLY
SECONDS AWAY WHEN YOU DIAL
LONG-DISTANCE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

LONG DISTANCE... IT'S THE NEXT

BEST THING TO BEING HER.

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE

CHEVY CHASE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE
LATE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE
LATE?
HOW LATE?

LATE?
HOW LATE?
TWO WEEKS LATE... THAT COULD BE

HOW LATE?
TWO WEEKS LATE... THAT COULD BE
EMOTIONAL.

TWO WEEKS LATE... THAT COULD BE
EMOTIONAL.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

EMOTIONAL.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?
OKAY, GOOD BYE, BARBARA...

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?
OKAY, GOOD BYE, BARBARA...
MARGARET.

OKAY, GOOD BYE, BARBARA...
MARGARET.
I'M SORRY. BYE.

MARGARET.
I'M SORRY. BYE.
GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE.

I'M SORRY. BYE.
GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE.
AND YOU'RE NOT.

GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE.
AND YOU'RE NOT.
THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE

AND YOU'RE NOT.
THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE
WHITE HOUSE TODAY RELEASED

THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE
WHITE HOUSE TODAY RELEASED
ANOTHER ENEMIES LIST.

WHITE HOUSE TODAY RELEASED
ANOTHER ENEMIES LIST.
IT'S THE NEW YORK CITY TELEPHONE

ANOTHER ENEMIES LIST.
IT'S THE NEW YORK CITY TELEPHONE
DIRECTORY.

IT'S THE NEW YORK CITY TELEPHONE
DIRECTORY.
EGYPT'S PRESIDENT, ANWAR SADAT,

DIRECTORY.
EGYPT'S PRESIDENT, ANWAR SADAT,
LEFT THIS COUNTRY AFTER A

EGYPT'S PRESIDENT, ANWAR SADAT,
LEFT THIS COUNTRY AFTER A
TWO-WEEK STAY WITH THE FIRST

LEFT THIS COUNTRY AFTER A
TWO-WEEK STAY WITH THE FIRST
FAMILY.

TWO-WEEK STAY WITH THE FIRST
FAMILY.
AS PARTING GIFTS, HE GAVE

FAMILY.
AS PARTING GIFTS, HE GAVE
MRS. FORD SOME JEWELRY AND

AS PARTING GIFTS, HE GAVE
MRS. FORD SOME JEWELRY AND
MR. FORD SOME KNEEPADS AND A

MRS. FORD SOME JEWELRY AND
MR. FORD SOME KNEEPADS AND A
CRASH HELMET.

MR. FORD SOME KNEEPADS AND A
CRASH HELMET.
GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTING THE GIFTS,

CRASH HELMET.
GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTING THE GIFTS,
MR. FORD APOLOGIZED FOR EARLIER

GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTING THE GIFTS,
MR. FORD APOLOGIZED FOR EARLIER
CALLING SADAT THE PRESIDENT OF

MR. FORD APOLOGIZED FOR EARLIER
CALLING SADAT THE PRESIDENT OF
ISRAEL, RECTIFYING THE FAUX PAS

CALLING SADAT THE PRESIDENT OF
ISRAEL, RECTIFYING THE FAUX PAS
BY PRESENTING HIM WITH A PIZZA

ISRAEL, RECTIFYING THE FAUX PAS
BY PRESENTING HIM WITH A PIZZA
AND A NUCLEAR REACTOR.

BY PRESENTING HIM WITH A PIZZA
AND A NUCLEAR REACTOR.
THE SHAKE-UP IN WASHINGTON

AND A NUCLEAR REACTOR.
THE SHAKE-UP IN WASHINGTON
CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE RECENT

THE SHAKE-UP IN WASHINGTON
CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE RECENT
FIRINGS AND HIRINGS.

CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE RECENT
FIRINGS AND HIRINGS.
WHITE HOUSE SOURCES REPORTED

FIRINGS AND HIRINGS.
WHITE HOUSE SOURCES REPORTED
TODAY THAT PRESIDENT FORD HAS

WHITE HOUSE SOURCES REPORTED
TODAY THAT PRESIDENT FORD HAS
ASKED FOR AND RECEIVED THE

TODAY THAT PRESIDENT FORD HAS
ASKED FOR AND RECEIVED THE
RESIGNATION OF HIS SON JACK.

ASKED FOR AND RECEIVED THE
RESIGNATION OF HIS SON JACK.
THE POSITION OF "SON" WILL BE

RESIGNATION OF HIS SON JACK.
THE POSITION OF "SON" WILL BE
TAKEN OVER BY CLEVELAND AMORY, A

THE POSITION OF "SON" WILL BE
TAKEN OVER BY CLEVELAND AMORY, A
LONGTIME PRESIDENTIAL FAVORITE.

TAKEN OVER BY CLEVELAND AMORY, A
LONGTIME PRESIDENTIAL FAVORITE.
VICE PRESIDENT

LONGTIME PRESIDENTIAL FAVORITE.
VICE PRESIDENT
NELSON ROCKEFELLER ANNOUNCED

VICE PRESIDENT
NELSON ROCKEFELLER ANNOUNCED
THAT HE WILL NOT RUN ON FORD'S

NELSON ROCKEFELLER ANNOUNCED
THAT HE WILL NOT RUN ON FORD'S
TICKET IN 1976.

THAT HE WILL NOT RUN ON FORD'S
TICKET IN 1976.
HE COMMENTED THAT FORD IS THE

TICKET IN 1976.
HE COMMENTED THAT FORD IS THE
ONLY LEADER HE KNOWS WHO IS

HE COMMENTED THAT FORD IS THE
ONLY LEADER HE KNOWS WHO IS
CAPABLE OF ASSASSINATING HIMSELF

ONLY LEADER HE KNOWS WHO IS
CAPABLE OF ASSASSINATING HIMSELF
BY MISTAKE.

CAPABLE OF ASSASSINATING HIMSELF
BY MISTAKE.
WHILE MANHATTAN'S NEW WOMEN'S

BY MISTAKE.
WHILE MANHATTAN'S NEW WOMEN'S
BANK SEEMS TO BE THRIVING,

WHILE MANHATTAN'S NEW WOMEN'S
BANK SEEMS TO BE THRIVING,
CONGRESSWOMAN BELLA ABZUG CAME

BANK SEEMS TO BE THRIVING,
CONGRESSWOMAN BELLA ABZUG CAME
OUT THIS WEEK TO DENY THE RUMOR

CONGRESSWOMAN BELLA ABZUG CAME
OUT THIS WEEK TO DENY THE RUMOR
THAT THE BANK'S NIGHT DEPOSITORY

OUT THIS WEEK TO DENY THE RUMOR
THAT THE BANK'S NIGHT DEPOSITORY
WILL BE CLOSED FOUR TO FIVE DAYS

THAT THE BANK'S NIGHT DEPOSITORY
WILL BE CLOSED FOUR TO FIVE DAYS
EVERY MONTH.

WILL BE CLOSED FOUR TO FIVE DAYS
EVERY MONTH.
MRS. ABZUG SAID THAT NOT ONLY IS

EVERY MONTH.
MRS. ABZUG SAID THAT NOT ONLY IS
THE RUMOR SEXIST, BUT IS ALSO A

MRS. ABZUG SAID THAT NOT ONLY IS
THE RUMOR SEXIST, BUT IS ALSO A
SWITCH ON AN OLD JOKE DONE MANY

THE RUMOR SEXIST, BUT IS ALSO A
SWITCH ON AN OLD JOKE DONE MANY
YEARS AGO BY JACK CARTER.

SWITCH ON AN OLD JOKE DONE MANY
YEARS AGO BY JACK CARTER.
AS A WEDDING PRESENT TO ACTRESS

YEARS AGO BY JACK CARTER.
AS A WEDDING PRESENT TO ACTRESS
ELIZABETH TAYLOR ON THEIR SECOND

AS A WEDDING PRESENT TO ACTRESS
ELIZABETH TAYLOR ON THEIR SECOND
MARRIAGE, A MALARIA-STRICKEN

ELIZABETH TAYLOR ON THEIR SECOND
MARRIAGE, A MALARIA-STRICKEN
RICHARD BURTON GAVE HIS WIFE

MARRIAGE, A MALARIA-STRICKEN
RICHARD BURTON GAVE HIS WIFE
WHAT HE CALLS A DO-IT-YOURSELF

RICHARD BURTON GAVE HIS WIFE
WHAT HE CALLS A DO-IT-YOURSELF
FUR COAT KIT.

WHAT HE CALLS A DO-IT-YOURSELF
FUR COAT KIT.
THE BICENTENNIAL COMMITTEE

FUR COAT KIT.
THE BICENTENNIAL COMMITTEE
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT

THE BICENTENNIAL COMMITTEE
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN

ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN
DENTURES HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED BY

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN
DENTURES HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED BY
A MOUNT VERNON CURATOR.

DENTURES HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED BY
A MOUNT VERNON CURATOR.
FOUND WITH THE DENTURES, A

A MOUNT VERNON CURATOR.
FOUND WITH THE DENTURES, A
DOCUMENT PROVING THAT AMERICA'S

FOUND WITH THE DENTURES, A
DOCUMENT PROVING THAT AMERICA'S
FIRST PRESIDENT ACTUALLY BRUSHED

DOCUMENT PROVING THAT AMERICA'S
FIRST PRESIDENT ACTUALLY BRUSHED
HIS TEETH WITH FURNITURE POLISH.

FIRST PRESIDENT ACTUALLY BRUSHED
HIS TEETH WITH FURNITURE POLISH.
A SERIOUS NOTE...

HIS TEETH WITH FURNITURE POLISH.
A SERIOUS NOTE...
VANDALS BROKE INTO THE LOUVRE IN

A SERIOUS NOTE...
VANDALS BROKE INTO THE LOUVRE IN
PARIS LAST NIGHT AND ATTACHED

VANDALS BROKE INTO THE LOUVRE IN
PARIS LAST NIGHT AND ATTACHED
ARMS TO THE FAMED VENUS de MILO

PARIS LAST NIGHT AND ATTACHED
ARMS TO THE FAMED VENUS de MILO
SCULPTURE.

ARMS TO THE FAMED VENUS de MILO
SCULPTURE.
SAID THE HEARTBROKEN CURATOR OF

SCULPTURE.
SAID THE HEARTBROKEN CURATOR OF
THE MUSEUM, "I DO NOT SPEAK

SAID THE HEARTBROKEN CURATOR OF
THE MUSEUM, "I DO NOT SPEAK
ENGLISH."

THE MUSEUM, "I DO NOT SPEAK
ENGLISH."
AND NOW FOR THE "WEEKEND UPDATE"

ENGLISH."
AND NOW FOR THE "WEEKEND UPDATE"
LIVE, ON-THE-SPOT TRAFFIC

AND NOW FOR THE "WEEKEND UPDATE"
LIVE, ON-THE-SPOT TRAFFIC
REPORT.

LIVE, ON-THE-SPOT TRAFFIC
REPORT.
A STALLED VEHICLE ON THE

REPORT.
A STALLED VEHICLE ON THE
OFF-RAMP FROM U.S. 80 EXITING TO

A STALLED VEHICLE ON THE
OFF-RAMP FROM U.S. 80 EXITING TO
4th AVENUE IN GARY, INDIANA, HAS

OFF-RAMP FROM U.S. 80 EXITING TO
4th AVENUE IN GARY, INDIANA, HAS
TIED UP TRAFFIC THERE, BUT ONLY

4th AVENUE IN GARY, INDIANA, HAS
TIED UP TRAFFIC THERE, BUT ONLY
LEG TRAFFIC, AS REPORTED ON THE

TIED UP TRAFFIC THERE, BUT ONLY
LEG TRAFFIC, AS REPORTED ON THE
SOUTHBOUND GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE

LEG TRAFFIC, AS REPORTED ON THE
SOUTHBOUND GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE
LANE LEAVING SAN FRANCISCO.

SOUTHBOUND GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE
LANE LEAVING SAN FRANCISCO.
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, HIGHWAY

LANE LEAVING SAN FRANCISCO.
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, HIGHWAY
AUTHORITIES REPORT SPORADIC

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, HIGHWAY
AUTHORITIES REPORT SPORADIC
TIE-UPS FOLLOWING AN OVERTURNED

AUTHORITIES REPORT SPORADIC
TIE-UPS FOLLOWING AN OVERTURNED
TRUCK AND A BROKEN TRAFFIC LIGHT

TIE-UPS FOLLOWING AN OVERTURNED
TRUCK AND A BROKEN TRAFFIC LIGHT
ON ORVAL FAUBUS BOULEVARD.

TRUCK AND A BROKEN TRAFFIC LIGHT
ON ORVAL FAUBUS BOULEVARD.
ALL IN ALL, THERE SEEMS TO BE NO

ON ORVAL FAUBUS BOULEVARD.
ALL IN ALL, THERE SEEMS TO BE NO
MAJOR TIE-UPS EXCEPT FOR THE

ALL IN ALL, THERE SEEMS TO BE NO
MAJOR TIE-UPS EXCEPT FOR THE
USUAL SATURDAY NIGHT DRUG

MAJOR TIE-UPS EXCEPT FOR THE
USUAL SATURDAY NIGHT DRUG
TRAFFIC IN THE GREAT LAKES

USUAL SATURDAY NIGHT DRUG
TRAFFIC IN THE GREAT LAKES
REGION.

TRAFFIC IN THE GREAT LAKES
REGION.
STILL TO COME, JERRY FORD'S

REGION.
STILL TO COME, JERRY FORD'S
COLLEGE FOOTBALL DAYS AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME, JERRY FORD'S
COLLEGE FOOTBALL DAYS AFTER THIS
FILMED MESSAGE.

ARTHRITIS IN THE ADULT IS
PAINFUL, LONELY, AND SOMETIMES
DIFFICULT TO MANAGE.

PAINFUL, LONELY, AND SOMETIMES
DIFFICULT TO MANAGE.
ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY

DIFFICULT TO MANAGE.
ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY
ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH

ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY
ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH
NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR

ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH
NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR
TENSION.

NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR
TENSION.
ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD

TENSION.
ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD
DISCOMFORT.

ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD
DISCOMFORT.
INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL

DISCOMFORT.
INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL
SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL

INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL
SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL
RELIEF.

SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL
RELIEF.
TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF

RELIEF.
TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF
POWERFUL ANTI-ARTHRITIC

TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF
POWERFUL ANTI-ARTHRITIC
SPANSULES AND ANTIHISTAMINES,

POWERFUL ANTI-ARTHRITIC
SPANSULES AND ANTIHISTAMINES,
SPEEDS SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE

SPANSULES AND ANTIHISTAMINES,
SPEEDS SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE
NEEDED.

SPEEDS SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE
NEEDED.
TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE,

NEEDED.
TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE,
NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN

TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE,
NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN
SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING

NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN
SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING
STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS.

SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING
STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS.
SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE

STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS.
SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE
AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND

SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE
AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND
GETTING A FIRM GRASP ON THE

AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND
GETTING A FIRM GRASP ON THE
SITUATION.

TRIOPENIN... GET YOUR HANDS

WORKING AGAIN.

NOW WITH THE NEW CHILDPROOF

SAFETY CAP.

LAST WEEK ON THIS BROADCAST,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTED AN
EDITORIAL IN WHICH WE SPOKE IN

"WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTED AN
EDITORIAL IN WHICH WE SPOKE IN
FAVOR OF FEDERAL AID TO

EDITORIAL IN WHICH WE SPOKE IN
FAVOR OF FEDERAL AID TO
NEW YORK CITY.

FAVOR OF FEDERAL AID TO
NEW YORK CITY.
HERE TO REPLY TO THAT EDITORIAL

NEW YORK CITY.
HERE TO REPLY TO THAT EDITORIAL
IS CONGRESSWOMAN JANE CURTIN.

NEW YORK CITY MAY STILL BE

THE BIG APPLE, BUT EVERY APPLE

MUST SOONER OR LATER ROT.

PRESIDENT FORD IS RIGHT WHEN HE

SAYS THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

CANNOT ARREST A NATURAL PROCESS

SIMPLY BY SHINING THE APPLE TO

MAKE IT MORE APPETIZING.

EVENTUALLY THE APPLE MUST EITHER

BE EATEN OR ALLOWED TO DIE ON

ITS OWN.

FRANKLY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE

PRESIDENT MEANT BY THIS METAPHOR

EITHER, BUT I DO KNOW THIS.

MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES.

WE SIMPLY CANNOT AND MUST NOT

WASTE FUNDS ON A DYING CITY WHEN

THESE FUNDS CAN BE USED BY THE

PENTAGON TO PROTECT THE REST OF

OUR PEOPLE FROM INEVITABLE

NUCLEAR ATTACK.

THANK YOU.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES

ITS OBLIGATION TO PRESENT

RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS

TO OUR EDITORIALS WHEN AND WHERE

TIME PERMITS.

AND NOW AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO

THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE

DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I

WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE

DAY, AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF

THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE

HARD-OF-HEARING, GARRETT MORRIS.

THE TOP STORY TONIGHT...

THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE

WHITE HOUSE HAS RELEASED ITS

LATEST ENEMIES LIST, THE

NEW YORK TELEPHONE DIRECTORY!

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

TOMORROW!

[French accent] IT IS NOT
EASY BEING CATHERINE DENEUVE.
OH, YOU ARE SURPRISED?

EASY BEING CATHERINE DENEUVE.
OH, YOU ARE SURPRISED?
YOU THINK IT'S A FUNNY JOKE TO

OH, YOU ARE SURPRISED?
YOU THINK IT'S A FUNNY JOKE TO
BE A BIG MOVIE STAR WHO IS SO

YOU THINK IT'S A FUNNY JOKE TO
BE A BIG MOVIE STAR WHO IS SO
BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME,

BE A BIG MOVIE STAR WHO IS SO
BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME,
CATHERINE DENEUVE?

BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME,
CATHERINE DENEUVE?
HA HA!

CATHERINE DENEUVE?
HA HA!
YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ALL OF IT,

HA HA!
YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ALL OF IT,
MY FRIEND.

YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ALL OF IT,
MY FRIEND.
THE ACTING, IT IS LIKE FALLING

MY FRIEND.
THE ACTING, IT IS LIKE FALLING
OFF A TREE.

THE ACTING, IT IS LIKE FALLING
OFF A TREE.
I LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN I

OFF A TREE.
I LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN I
LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN, POOF,

I LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN I
LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN, POOF,
WE ARE FINISHED WITH THE ACTING.

LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN, POOF,
WE ARE FINISHED WITH THE ACTING.
BUT TO BE CATHERINE DENEUVE, HA,

WE ARE FINISHED WITH THE ACTING.
BUT TO BE CATHERINE DENEUVE, HA,
THAT IS DIFFERENT.

BUT TO BE CATHERINE DENEUVE, HA,
THAT IS DIFFERENT.
I MUST TO GET UP EARLY IN THE

THAT IS DIFFERENT.
I MUST TO GET UP EARLY IN THE
MORNING EVEN IF I WAS TO A

I MUST TO GET UP EARLY IN THE
MORNING EVEN IF I WAS TO A
PARTY WITH OMAR SHARIF THE NIGHT

MORNING EVEN IF I WAS TO A
PARTY WITH OMAR SHARIF THE NIGHT
BEFORE.

PARTY WITH OMAR SHARIF THE NIGHT
BEFORE.
AND I MUST TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED

BEFORE.
AND I MUST TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED
FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND I MUST

AND I MUST TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED
FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND I MUST
TO FLY ALL OVER THE WORLD AND

FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND I MUST
TO FLY ALL OVER THE WORLD AND
STAY IN THE LUXURY HOTEL.

TO FLY ALL OVER THE WORLD AND
STAY IN THE LUXURY HOTEL.
AND SOMETIME THEY DO NOT EVEN

STAY IN THE LUXURY HOTEL.
AND SOMETIME THEY DO NOT EVEN
HAVE THE MINERAL WATER.

AND SOMETIME THEY DO NOT EVEN
HAVE THE MINERAL WATER.
AND ALL THE TIME, I MUST STRIVE

HAVE THE MINERAL WATER.
AND ALL THE TIME, I MUST STRIVE
TO MAKE THOSE, SO I'M USING A

AND ALL THE TIME, I MUST STRIVE
TO MAKE THOSE, SO I'M USING A
PERFUME.

TO MAKE THOSE, SO I'M USING A
PERFUME.
MY FRIENDS...

PERFUME.
MY FRIENDS...
I CAN'T STAND TO BE

MY FRIENDS...
I CAN'T STAND TO BE
CATHERINE DENEUVE.

[Normal voice] BOYS AND GIRLS,
THIS IS A MAN THAT I LOVE VERY
MUCH.

THIS IS A MAN THAT I LOVE VERY
MUCH.
THE WORD "GENIUS" COMES TO MIND,

MUCH.
THE WORD "GENIUS" COMES TO MIND,
BUT I WILL LET YOU DECIDE FOR

THE WORD "GENIUS" COMES TO MIND,
BUT I WILL LET YOU DECIDE FOR
YOURSELVES.

BUT I WILL LET YOU DECIDE FOR
YOURSELVES.
ANDY KAUFMAN.

YOURSELVES.
ANDY KAUFMAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[Foreign accent] IT WAS
THREE PEOPLE.
AND THEY CARRIED THE BIGGEST

THREE PEOPLE.
AND THEY CARRIED THE BIGGEST
CANNON IN THE WORLD TO SPAIN.

AND THEY CARRIED THE BIGGEST
CANNON IN THE WORLD TO SPAIN.
SO, IT WAS TWO BOYS AND ONE

CANNON IN THE WORLD TO SPAIN.
SO, IT WAS TWO BOYS AND ONE
GIRL.

SO, IT WAS TWO BOYS AND ONE
GIRL.
AND THEY CARRYING THE... THE

GIRL.
AND THEY CARRYING THE... THE
CANNON, EH, TO THE HIGHEST

AND THEY CARRYING THE... THE
CANNON, EH, TO THE HIGHEST
MOUNTAIN IN SPAIN.

CANNON, EH, TO THE HIGHEST
MOUNTAIN IN SPAIN.
SO, THE FIRST BOY, YOU KNOW...

MOUNTAIN IN SPAIN.
SO, THE FIRST BOY, YOU KNOW...
THEY... THEY ARE ON TOP OF THE

SO, THE FIRST BOY, YOU KNOW...
THEY... THEY ARE ON TOP OF THE
MOUNTAIN... AND THE FIRST BOY,

THEY... THEY ARE ON TOP OF THE
MOUNTAIN... AND THE FIRST BOY,
HE POINT THE CANNON TO THIS

MOUNTAIN... AND THE FIRST BOY,
HE POINT THE CANNON TO THIS
CASTLE.

HE POINT THE CANNON TO THIS
CASTLE.
AND SO, SO, SO, SO, HE, SO,

CASTLE.
AND SO, SO, SO, SO, HE, SO,
HE... HE SAY TO THE SECOND

AND SO, SO, SO, SO, HE, SO,
HE... HE SAY TO THE SECOND
BOY...

HE... HE SAY TO THE SECOND
BOY...
"ALL RIGHT, HAND ME THE

BOY...
"ALL RIGHT, HAND ME THE
CANNONBALL."

"ALL RIGHT, HAND ME THE
CANNONBALL."
AND SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, THE

CANNONBALL."
AND SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, THE
SECOND BOY, HE SAY, "EHH, I

AND SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, THE
SECOND BOY, HE SAY, "EHH, I
THOUGHT YOU HAD THEM."

SECOND BOY, HE SAY, "EHH, I
THOUGHT YOU HAD THEM."
SO, SO, THEN, LISTEN, SO, SO,

THOUGHT YOU HAD THEM."
SO, SO, THEN, LISTEN, SO, SO,
SO, THE, SO, LISTEN, SO, SO,

SO, SO, THEN, LISTEN, SO, SO,
SO, THE, SO, LISTEN, SO, SO,
THEY BOTH TURN TO THE GIRL.

SO, THE, SO, LISTEN, SO, SO,
THEY BOTH TURN TO THE GIRL.
AND SHE SAY, "DON'T LOOK AT ME."

THEY BOTH TURN TO THE GIRL.
AND SHE SAY, "DON'T LOOK AT ME."
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, EH, THEY

AND SHE SAY, "DON'T LOOK AT ME."
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, EH, THEY
COULD NOT SHOOT.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, EH, THEY
COULD NOT SHOOT.
THEY... THEY HAD THE CANNON,

COULD NOT SHOOT.
THEY... THEY HAD THE CANNON,
BUT THEY COULD NOT... THEY HAVE

THEY... THEY HAD THE CANNON,
BUT THEY COULD NOT... THEY HAVE
NO CANNONBALL.

BUT THEY COULD NOT... THEY HAVE
NO CANNONBALL.
THEY COULD NOT SHOOT.

NO CANNONBALL.
THEY COULD NOT SHOOT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

THEY COULD NOT SHOOT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO DO
FOR YOU SOME IMITATIONS.
SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO

FOR YOU SOME IMITATIONS.
SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO
IMITATE ARCHIE BUNKER.

SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO
IMITATE ARCHIE BUNKER.
YOU STUPID... YOU... YOU ARE SO

IMITATE ARCHIE BUNKER.
YOU STUPID... YOU... YOU ARE SO
STUPID.

YOU STUPID... YOU... YOU ARE SO
STUPID.
EVERYBODY'S STUPID.

STUPID.
EVERYBODY'S STUPID.
GET... GET OUT OF MY CHAIR,

EVERYBODY'S STUPID.
GET... GET OUT OF MY CHAIR,
MEATHEAD!

GET... GET OUT OF MY CHAIR,
MEATHEAD!
YOU GO, AND THE... THE DINGBAT

MEATHEAD!
YOU GO, AND THE... THE DINGBAT
GET INTO THE KITCHEN, MAKING THE

YOU GO, AND THE... THE DINGBAT
GET INTO THE KITCHEN, MAKING THE
FOOD.

GET INTO THE KITCHEN, MAKING THE
FOOD.
EVERY... EVERYBODY'S STUPID!

FOOD.
EVERY... EVERYBODY'S STUPID!
I DON'T LIKE NOBODY!

EVERY... EVERYBODY'S STUPID!
I DON'T LIKE NOBODY!
IT'S SO STUPID!

I DON'T LIKE NOBODY!
IT'S SO STUPID!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S SO STUPID!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND NOW... NOW I WOULD LIKE TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND NOW... NOW I WOULD LIKE TO
IMITATE, EH...

WAIT.

I DON'T... EH, I FORGET WHAT...
EH...
WAIT.

EH...
WAIT.
WHAT?

WAIT.
WHAT?
YOU WANT TO SEE ME DANCE?

WHAT?
YOU WANT TO SEE ME DANCE?
ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT TO SEE ME DANCE?
ALL RIGHT.
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

ALL RIGHT.
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
I-I CAN, EH, SING.

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
I-I CAN, EH, SING.
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

I-I CAN, EH, SING.
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
OPERA!

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
OPERA!
[High-pitched voice] ♪ LA LA

OPERA!
[High-pitched voice] ♪ LA LA
LAAA ♪

[High-pitched voice] ♪ LA LA
LAAA ♪
[LAUGHS]

LAAA ♪
[LAUGHS]
[Normal voice] I-I-I DON'T

[LAUGHS]
[Normal voice] I-I-I DON'T
KNOW NOTHING.

[Normal voice] I-I-I DON'T
KNOW NOTHING.
I...

KNOW NOTHING.
I...
COULD... COULD WE STOP THE TAPE?

I...
COULD... COULD WE STOP THE TAPE?
COULD... COULD WE...

COULD... COULD WE STOP THE TAPE?
COULD... COULD WE...
I THINK...

COULD... COULD WE...
I THINK...
I THINK YOU SHOULD TURN OFF THE

I THINK...
I THINK YOU SHOULD TURN OFF THE
TV.

I THINK YOU SHOULD TURN OFF THE
TV.
I... I DON'T KNOW IF... IF YOU

TV.
I... I DON'T KNOW IF... IF YOU
ARE LAUGHING AT ME OR WITH ME.

I... I DON'T KNOW IF... IF YOU
ARE LAUGHING AT ME OR WITH ME.
BUT, YOU KNOW, EH, YOU KNOW,

ARE LAUGHING AT ME OR WITH ME.
BUT, YOU KNOW, EH, YOU KNOW,
I TRYING TO DO MY BEST, AND, EH,

BUT, YOU KNOW, EH, YOU KNOW,
I TRYING TO DO MY BEST, AND, EH,
I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO,

I TRYING TO DO MY BEST, AND, EH,
I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO,
BUT... BUT...

I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO,
BUT... BUT...
I PROMISE THAT, EH, YOU KNOW, IS

BUT... BUT...
I PROMISE THAT, EH, YOU KNOW, IS
NOTHING I CAN DO BUT PROMISE I

I PROMISE THAT, EH, YOU KNOW, IS
NOTHING I CAN DO BUT PROMISE I
WILL NOT BE HERE AGAIN.

NOTHING I CAN DO BUT PROMISE I
WILL NOT BE HERE AGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]

WILL NOT BE HERE AGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT...

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT...
THAT?

WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT...
THAT?
I DON'T...

THAT?
I DON'T...
[Voice breaking] I DON'T KNOW

I DON'T...
[Voice breaking] I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

[Voice breaking] I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]

WHAT TO DO.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[Sobbing] I TRIED TO DO MY

[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[Sobbing] I TRIED TO DO MY
BEST.

[Sobbing] I TRIED TO DO MY
BEST.
AND THEN I TRIED TO GET YOU TO

BEST.
AND THEN I TRIED TO GET YOU TO
LAUGH.

AND THEN I TRIED TO GET YOU TO
LAUGH.
[SQUEAKING SOBS]

LAUGH.
[SQUEAKING SOBS]
ALL I WANT TO DO IS...

[SQUEAKING SOBS]
ALL I WANT TO DO IS...
BUT YOU... YOU'RE LAUGHING AT

ALL I WANT TO DO IS...
BUT YOU... YOU'RE LAUGHING AT
ME, SEE?

BUT YOU... YOU'RE LAUGHING AT
ME, SEE?
[SQUEAKING SOBS]

ME, SEE?
[SQUEAKING SOBS]
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO DO MY BEST.

[SQUEAKING SOBS]
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO DO MY BEST.
[SQUEAKING SOBS]

I WAS ONLY TRYING TO DO MY BEST.
[SQUEAKING SOBS]
[SOBBING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING SOBS]
[SOBBING INDISTINCTLY]
[SQUEAKING SOBS]

[SOBBING INDISTINCTLY]
[SQUEAKING SOBS]
[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING SOBS]
[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]
[SQUEAKING SOBS]

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]
[SQUEAKING SOBS]
[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING SOBS]
[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]
[SQUEAKING]

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]
[SQUEAKING]
[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING]
[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]
[AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]
[AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO
CHANTING]

[AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO
CHANTING]
[SQUEAKING, CHANTING]

[CHANTING]
[SQUEAKING, CHANTING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CANDY...
WHAT, GILDA?
NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO

WHAT, GILDA?
NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT YOU BEING SO PRETTY.

NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT YOU BEING SO PRETTY.
OH.

YOU ABOUT YOU BEING SO PRETTY.
OH.
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I'M WITH A

OH.
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I'M WITH A
REALLY PRETTY GIRL, PART OF ME

BECAUSE EVERY TIME I'M WITH A
REALLY PRETTY GIRL, PART OF ME
JUST WANTS TO WAIT ON YOU,

REALLY PRETTY GIRL, PART OF ME
JUST WANTS TO WAIT ON YOU,
YOU KNOW, LIKE POLISH YOUR

JUST WANTS TO WAIT ON YOU,
YOU KNOW, LIKE POLISH YOUR
EARRINGS OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, LIKE POLISH YOUR
EARRINGS OR SOMETHING.
BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME JUST

EARRINGS OR SOMETHING.
BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME JUST
WANTS TO JUST LOOK AT YOUR FACE

BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME JUST
WANTS TO JUST LOOK AT YOUR FACE
AND FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH

WANTS TO JUST LOOK AT YOUR FACE
AND FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH
IT, YOU KNOW?

AND FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH
IT, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, I WISH YOU HAD SOMETHING

IT, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, I WISH YOU HAD SOMETHING
IN YOUR TEETH OR SOMETHING

LIKE, I WISH YOU HAD SOMETHING
IN YOUR TEETH OR SOMETHING
HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE OR

IN YOUR TEETH OR SOMETHING
HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE OR
SOMETHING.

HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE OR
SOMETHING.
REALLY, I DO 'CAUSE WHEN I'M

SOMETHING.
REALLY, I DO 'CAUSE WHEN I'M
WITH YOU, I FEEL UNFEMININE.

REALLY, I DO 'CAUSE WHEN I'M
WITH YOU, I FEEL UNFEMININE.
YOU DO?

WITH YOU, I FEEL UNFEMININE.
YOU DO?
A LITTLE BIT.

YOU DO?
A LITTLE BIT.
HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO

A LITTLE BIT.
HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND.

HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND.
NOBODY LIKES THE WAY THEY LOOK.

UNDERSTAND.
NOBODY LIKES THE WAY THEY LOOK.
VERY FEW OF US ARE THAT HEALTHY.

NOBODY LIKES THE WAY THEY LOOK.
VERY FEW OF US ARE THAT HEALTHY.
SEE, I OPEN VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND

VERY FEW OF US ARE THAT HEALTHY.
SEE, I OPEN VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND
I FEEL LIKE THIS VIKING.

SEE, I OPEN VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND
I FEEL LIKE THIS VIKING.
I LOOK AT THESE LITHE WOMEN.

I FEEL LIKE THIS VIKING.
I LOOK AT THESE LITHE WOMEN.
I THINK, "WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE

I LOOK AT THESE LITHE WOMEN.
I THINK, "WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE
THEM?"

I THINK, "WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE
THEM?"
IT'S VERY COMMON.

THEM?"
IT'S VERY COMMON.
JUST TELL ME SOMETHING.

IT'S VERY COMMON.
JUST TELL ME SOMETHING.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY ASK YOU

JUST TELL ME SOMETHING.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY ASK YOU
OUT ON A DATE OVER THE PHONE,

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY ASK YOU
OUT ON A DATE OVER THE PHONE,
AND THEN HE SHOWS UP AT THE

OUT ON A DATE OVER THE PHONE,
AND THEN HE SHOWS UP AT THE
DOOR, AND HE GOES AWAY, DOESN'T

AND THEN HE SHOWS UP AT THE
DOOR, AND HE GOES AWAY, DOESN'T
WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT AFTER HE

DOOR, AND HE GOES AWAY, DOESN'T
WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT AFTER HE
TAKES ONE LOOK AT YOU?

WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT AFTER HE
TAKES ONE LOOK AT YOU?
NO.

TAKES ONE LOOK AT YOU?
NO.
OH.

NO.
OH.
BUT I'VE HAD THEM NOT CALL

OH.
BUT I'VE HAD THEM NOT CALL
BACK.

BUT I'VE HAD THEM NOT CALL
BACK.
OH, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY

BACK.
OH, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY
OF MY LIFE.

OH, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY
OF MY LIFE.
[LAUGHS]

OF MY LIFE.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, TELL ME WHAT ELSE GOES

[LAUGHS]
WELL, TELL ME WHAT ELSE GOES
WRONG FOR YOU?

WELL, TELL ME WHAT ELSE GOES
WRONG FOR YOU?
I LOVE IT.

WRONG FOR YOU?
I LOVE IT.
WELL, HERE'S WHEN I FEEL

I LOVE IT.
WELL, HERE'S WHEN I FEEL
AWKWARD.

WELL, HERE'S WHEN I FEEL
AWKWARD.
I FEEL AWKWARD AROUND THESE NEW

AWKWARD.
I FEEL AWKWARD AROUND THESE NEW
LITTLE SKINNY GUYS, THE LITTLE

I FEEL AWKWARD AROUND THESE NEW
LITTLE SKINNY GUYS, THE LITTLE
TINY ONES WITH THE BODY SHIRTS

LITTLE SKINNY GUYS, THE LITTLE
TINY ONES WITH THE BODY SHIRTS
AND THE LONG, SILKY HAIR, THE

TINY ONES WITH THE BODY SHIRTS
AND THE LONG, SILKY HAIR, THE
ONES YOU COULD BREAK IN HALF.

AND THE LONG, SILKY HAIR, THE
ONES YOU COULD BREAK IN HALF.
RIGHT, WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO

ONES YOU COULD BREAK IN HALF.
RIGHT, WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO
THEM IN THE BACK OF A CAR, YOU

RIGHT, WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO
THEM IN THE BACK OF A CAR, YOU
LOOK DOWN.

THEM IN THE BACK OF A CAR, YOU
LOOK DOWN.
YOU NOTICE THAT YOUR THIGH IS

LOOK DOWN.
YOU NOTICE THAT YOUR THIGH IS
TWICE THE SIZE OF THEIRS.

YOU NOTICE THAT YOUR THIGH IS
TWICE THE SIZE OF THEIRS.
YEAH.

TWICE THE SIZE OF THEIRS.
YEAH.
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT USED TO

YEAH.
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT USED TO
BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT USED TO
BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN
THE WORLD TO BE REALLY FEMININE.

BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN
THE WORLD TO BE REALLY FEMININE.
MY GIRLFRIENDS USED TO DRILL ME

THE WORLD TO BE REALLY FEMININE.
MY GIRLFRIENDS USED TO DRILL ME
ON BEING FEMININE.

MY GIRLFRIENDS USED TO DRILL ME
ON BEING FEMININE.
AND IT WAS MY... I WAS GOING ON

ON BEING FEMININE.
AND IT WAS MY... I WAS GOING ON
MY FIRST DATE, AND THEY TOLD ME

AND IT WAS MY... I WAS GOING ON
MY FIRST DATE, AND THEY TOLD ME
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IF

MY FIRST DATE, AND THEY TOLD ME
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IF
YOU'RE REALLY A GIRL, YOU DON'T

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IF
YOU'RE REALLY A GIRL, YOU DON'T
OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOURSELF OF

YOU'RE REALLY A GIRL, YOU DON'T
OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOURSELF OF
THE CAR, RIGHT?

OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOURSELF OF
THE CAR, RIGHT?
SO THIS GUY TAKES ME OUT, AND WE

THE CAR, RIGHT?
SO THIS GUY TAKES ME OUT, AND WE
GET TO THE MOVIE, AND WE PULL UP

SO THIS GUY TAKES ME OUT, AND WE
GET TO THE MOVIE, AND WE PULL UP
IN THE CAR.

GET TO THE MOVIE, AND WE PULL UP
IN THE CAR.
AND HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR, AND

IN THE CAR.
AND HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR, AND
I OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT AWAY.

AND HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR, AND
I OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT AWAY.
YEAH?

I OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT AWAY.
YEAH?
SO HE'S COMING AROUND, AND I

YEAH?
SO HE'S COMING AROUND, AND I
GOT TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR BEFORE

SO HE'S COMING AROUND, AND I
GOT TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR BEFORE
HE GETS THERE OR HE'LL THINK I'M

GOT TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR BEFORE
HE GETS THERE OR HE'LL THINK I'M
A GUY, YOU KNOW?

HE GETS THERE OR HE'LL THINK I'M
A GUY, YOU KNOW?
SO I'M TRYING TO CLOSE THE CAR

A GUY, YOU KNOW?
SO I'M TRYING TO CLOSE THE CAR
DOOR.

SO I'M TRYING TO CLOSE THE CAR
DOOR.
I DON'T GET IT CLOSED, AND HE

DOOR.
I DON'T GET IT CLOSED, AND HE
GETS AROUND TO THE SIDE.

I DON'T GET IT CLOSED, AND HE
GETS AROUND TO THE SIDE.
AND I JUST LOOKED IN HIS FACE

GETS AROUND TO THE SIDE.
AND I JUST LOOKED IN HIS FACE
AND SAID, "OH, THE CAR'S BROKEN.

AND I JUST LOOKED IN HIS FACE
AND SAID, "OH, THE CAR'S BROKEN.
THE CAR MUST BE BROKEN OR WE

AND SAID, "OH, THE CAR'S BROKEN.
THE CAR MUST BE BROKEN OR WE
CRASHED AND SOMETHING."

THE CAR MUST BE BROKEN OR WE
CRASHED AND SOMETHING."
GILDA, YOU MUSTN'T FALL FOR

CRASHED AND SOMETHING."
GILDA, YOU MUSTN'T FALL FOR
THIS HYPE ABOUT WHAT IS

GILDA, YOU MUSTN'T FALL FOR
THIS HYPE ABOUT WHAT IS
FEMININE.

THIS HYPE ABOUT WHAT IS
FEMININE.
WE ALL REALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT

FEMININE.
WE ALL REALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT
OURSELVES THE WAY WE ARE, YOU

WE ALL REALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT
OURSELVES THE WAY WE ARE, YOU
KNOW, AND JUST BE OURSELVES.

OURSELVES THE WAY WE ARE, YOU
KNOW, AND JUST BE OURSELVES.
DID YOU VOTE FOR E.R.A.?

KNOW, AND JUST BE OURSELVES.
DID YOU VOTE FOR E.R.A.?
OF COURSE I VOTED FOR E.R.A.

DID YOU VOTE FOR E.R.A.?
OF COURSE I VOTED FOR E.R.A.
WHAT DID YOU VOTE?

OF COURSE I VOTED FOR E.R.A.
WHAT DID YOU VOTE?
I VOTED FOR E.R.A.

WHAT DID YOU VOTE?
I VOTED FOR E.R.A.
HOW COULD YOU NOT?

I VOTED FOR E.R.A.
HOW COULD YOU NOT?
I DIDN'T GO.

HOW COULD YOU NOT?
I DIDN'T GO.
YOU DIDN'T GO.

I DIDN'T GO.
YOU DIDN'T GO.
I WAS WORKING, BUT, YOU

YOU DIDN'T GO.
I WAS WORKING, BUT, YOU
KNOW...

I WAS WORKING, BUT, YOU
KNOW...
YOU WERE WORKING.

KNOW...
YOU WERE WORKING.
YEAH.

YOU WERE WORKING.
YEAH.
YOU WERE WORKING.

YEAH.
YOU WERE WORKING.
YOU SEE, BUT COULD YOU REALLY

YOU WERE WORKING.
YOU SEE, BUT COULD YOU REALLY
GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH A GUY IN

YOU SEE, BUT COULD YOU REALLY
GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH A GUY IN
THE STALL NEXT TO YOU?

GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH A GUY IN
THE STALL NEXT TO YOU?
I MEAN, I WOULD REALLY...

THE STALL NEXT TO YOU?
I MEAN, I WOULD REALLY...
PSYCHOLOGICALLY... SOMEONE WOULD

I MEAN, I WOULD REALLY...
PSYCHOLOGICALLY... SOMEONE WOULD
HAVE TO RUN THE WATER OR SING

PSYCHOLOGICALLY... SOMEONE WOULD
HAVE TO RUN THE WATER OR SING
"RAINDROPS ARE FALLING ON YOUR

HAVE TO RUN THE WATER OR SING
"RAINDROPS ARE FALLING ON YOUR
HEAD" OR SOMETHING FOR ME TO...

"RAINDROPS ARE FALLING ON YOUR
HEAD" OR SOMETHING FOR ME TO...
I'M BEING STUPID NOW.

HEAD" OR SOMETHING FOR ME TO...
I'M BEING STUPID NOW.
YEAH, YOU ARE.

I'M BEING STUPID NOW.
YEAH, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE BEING STUPID LIKE

YEAH, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE BEING STUPID LIKE
THOUSANDS OF OTHER VOTERS.

YOU'RE BEING STUPID LIKE
THOUSANDS OF OTHER VOTERS.
GILDA, THAT WAS NOT WHAT E.R.A.

THOUSANDS OF OTHER VOTERS.
GILDA, THAT WAS NOT WHAT E.R.A.
WAS ABOUT.

GILDA, THAT WAS NOT WHAT E.R.A.
WAS ABOUT.
THIS WAS A MISCONCEPTION ON THE

WAS ABOUT.
THIS WAS A MISCONCEPTION ON THE
PART OF THE MEDIA.

THIS WAS A MISCONCEPTION ON THE
PART OF THE MEDIA.
UM, SEE, EQUALITY DOES NOT MEAN

PART OF THE MEDIA.
UM, SEE, EQUALITY DOES NOT MEAN
WE HAVE TO BE THE SAME.

UM, SEE, EQUALITY DOES NOT MEAN
WE HAVE TO BE THE SAME.
WE CAN BE EQUAL AND BE

WE HAVE TO BE THE SAME.
WE CAN BE EQUAL AND BE
DIFFERENT, LIKE US, YOU KNOW.

WE CAN BE EQUAL AND BE
DIFFERENT, LIKE US, YOU KNOW.
YEAH.

DIFFERENT, LIKE US, YOU KNOW.
YEAH.
OKAY.

YEAH.
OKAY.
YOU'RE OKAY.

OKAY.
YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU TOO, GILDA.

YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU TOO, GILDA.
OKAY.

YOU TOO, GILDA.
OKAY.
OKAY.

OKAY.
OKAY.
AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM

OKAY.
AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY
ALBERT BROOKS.

♪ WE'VE GOT A SUPER SEASON ON
NBC ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT A LOT ♪

NBC ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT A LOT ♪
EVEN A SUPER SEASON HAS SUPER

♪ YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT A LOT ♪
EVEN A SUPER SEASON HAS SUPER
FAILURES.

EVEN A SUPER SEASON HAS SUPER
FAILURES.
THAT'S WHY AT NBC WE'VE GOT

FAILURES.
THAT'S WHY AT NBC WE'VE GOT
SUPER REPLACEMENTS.

THAT'S WHY AT NBC WE'VE GOT
SUPER REPLACEMENTS.
HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE NEW

SUPER REPLACEMENTS.
HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE NEW
SHOWS WAITING IN THE WINGS.

REAL STORIES.
REAL PEOPLE.
REAL ACTION.

REAL PEOPLE.
REAL ACTION.
AND REALITY WAS NEVER LIKE THIS.

REAL ACTION.
AND REALITY WAS NEVER LIKE THIS.
AT BEST, I'D SAY YOU HAVE A

AND REALITY WAS NEVER LIKE THIS.
AT BEST, I'D SAY YOU HAVE A
YEAR TO LIVE.

AT BEST, I'D SAY YOU HAVE A
YEAR TO LIVE.
I KNOW.

YEAR TO LIVE.
I KNOW.
I OVERHEARD YOU TELL

I KNOW.
I OVERHEARD YOU TELL
DR. FRANKLIN.

I OVERHEARD YOU TELL
DR. FRANKLIN.
YOU ALREADY KNEW, AND YOU

DR. FRANKLIN.
YOU ALREADY KNEW, AND YOU
MADE ME GO THROUGH THE AGONY OF

YOU ALREADY KNEW, AND YOU
MADE ME GO THROUGH THE AGONY OF
TELLING YOU THIS?

MADE ME GO THROUGH THE AGONY OF
TELLING YOU THIS?
YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE AND

TELLING YOU THIS?
YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE AND
THOUGHTLESS WOMAN.

YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE AND
THOUGHTLESS WOMAN.
IF SHE'S IN PAIN, THEN, DAMN

THOUGHTLESS WOMAN.
IF SHE'S IN PAIN, THEN, DAMN
IT, DON'T KEEP HER ALIVE.

IF SHE'S IN PAIN, THEN, DAMN
IT, DON'T KEEP HER ALIVE.
SHE'S NOT IN PAIN.

IT, DON'T KEEP HER ALIVE.
SHE'S NOT IN PAIN.
YOUR WIFE WILL BE FINE UNTIL SHE

SHE'S NOT IN PAIN.
YOUR WIFE WILL BE FINE UNTIL SHE
DIES.

YOUR WIFE WILL BE FINE UNTIL SHE
DIES.
SHE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO

DIES.
SHE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO
LIVE IF SHE'S GONNA DIE LIKE

SHE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO
LIVE IF SHE'S GONNA DIE LIKE
THIS.

LIVE IF SHE'S GONNA DIE LIKE
THIS.
YOU'RE GONNA DIE,

THIS.
YOU'RE GONNA DIE,
MR. ROBERTS.

YOU'RE GONNA DIE,
MR. ROBERTS.
YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LIVE.

MR. ROBERTS.
YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LIVE.
I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITHIN A

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LIVE.
I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITHIN A
YEAR, DOCTOR.

I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITHIN A
YEAR, DOCTOR.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?

YEAR, DOCTOR.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
YOU COULD BE HIT BY A CAR

HOW DO YOU KNOW?
YOU COULD BE HIT BY A CAR
DRIVING HOME TODAY.

YOU COULD BE HIT BY A CAR
DRIVING HOME TODAY.
I'M NOT GOING HOME TODAY.

DRIVING HOME TODAY.
I'M NOT GOING HOME TODAY.
BUT IT'S UNNECESSARY.

I'M NOT GOING HOME TODAY.
BUT IT'S UNNECESSARY.
THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED SURGERY.

BUT IT'S UNNECESSARY.
THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED SURGERY.
HE'S ALREADY PAID FOR IT, AND

THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED SURGERY.
HE'S ALREADY PAID FOR IT, AND
WE'VE ALREADY SPENT THE MONEY.

HE'S ALREADY PAID FOR IT, AND
WE'VE ALREADY SPENT THE MONEY.
YOU'RE THE MAN IN CHARGE.

WE'VE ALREADY SPENT THE MONEY.
YOU'RE THE MAN IN CHARGE.
IF YOU GO ON VACATION DURING

YOU'RE THE MAN IN CHARGE.
IF YOU GO ON VACATION DURING
THIS CRISIS, YOU LOSE THE

IF YOU GO ON VACATION DURING
THIS CRISIS, YOU LOSE THE
RESPECT OF EVERY DOCTOR WHO

THIS CRISIS, YOU LOSE THE
RESPECT OF EVERY DOCTOR WHO
WORKS FOR YOU.

RESPECT OF EVERY DOCTOR WHO
WORKS FOR YOU.
I HAVE WEIGHED THIS DECISION

WORKS FOR YOU.
I HAVE WEIGHED THIS DECISION
MOST CAREFULLY.

I HAVE WEIGHED THIS DECISION
MOST CAREFULLY.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK.

MOST CAREFULLY.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN LOVE

I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN LOVE
WITH ME.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN LOVE
WITH ME.
YOU JUST THINK YOU ARE.

WITH ME.
YOU JUST THINK YOU ARE.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, LESLIE.

YOU JUST THINK YOU ARE.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, LESLIE.
PATIENTS THINK THEY'RE IN LOVE

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, LESLIE.
PATIENTS THINK THEY'RE IN LOVE
WITH THEIR DOCTORS.

PATIENTS THINK THEY'RE IN LOVE
WITH THEIR DOCTORS.
BUT THEY NEVER REALLY ARE.

WITH THEIR DOCTORS.
BUT THEY NEVER REALLY ARE.
THEY SUCK THE DOCTORS INTO

BUT THEY NEVER REALLY ARE.
THEY SUCK THE DOCTORS INTO
BELIEVING THEM.

THEY SUCK THE DOCTORS INTO
BELIEVING THEM.
THE DOCTORS DO.

BELIEVING THEM.
THE DOCTORS DO.
THEN THE DOCTORS GET DUMPED!

THE DOCTORS DO.
THEN THE DOCTORS GET DUMPED!
I AM A REGISTERED NURSE, NOT

THEN THE DOCTORS GET DUMPED!
I AM A REGISTERED NURSE, NOT
A REGISTERED PROSTITUTE.

I AM A REGISTERED NURSE, NOT
A REGISTERED PROSTITUTE.
[SIREN WAILS]

A REGISTERED PROSTITUTE.
[SIREN WAILS]
"MEDICAL SEASON"... 9 OUT OF

[SIREN WAILS]
"MEDICAL SEASON"... 9 OUT OF
10 DOCTORS AGREE... IF THIS SHOW

"MEDICAL SEASON"... 9 OUT OF
10 DOCTORS AGREE... IF THIS SHOW
GETS ON THE AIR, WATCH OUT.

10 DOCTORS AGREE... IF THIS SHOW
GETS ON THE AIR, WATCH OUT.
IT JUST MIGHT BE HABIT-FORMING.

THE WILDEST NEW COMEDY YOU'VE
EVER SEEN.
ON THE RIGHT ARE BOB AND CATHY.

EVER SEEN.
ON THE RIGHT ARE BOB AND CATHY.
THEY'RE MARRIED.

ON THE RIGHT ARE BOB AND CATHY.
THEY'RE MARRIED.
ON THE LEFT IS SUSAN, CATHY'S

THEY'RE MARRIED.
ON THE LEFT IS SUSAN, CATHY'S
BEST FRIEND.

ON THE LEFT IS SUSAN, CATHY'S
BEST FRIEND.
THEY ALL LIVE TOGETHER IN

BEST FRIEND.
THEY ALL LIVE TOGETHER IN
FASHIONABLE WEST LOS ANGELES.

THEY ALL LIVE TOGETHER IN
FASHIONABLE WEST LOS ANGELES.
THIS MAKES FOR A WHOLE LOT OF

FASHIONABLE WEST LOS ANGELES.
THIS MAKES FOR A WHOLE LOT OF
FUN, BESIDES MAKING BOB VERY

THIS MAKES FOR A WHOLE LOT OF
FUN, BESIDES MAKING BOB VERY
EXCITED!

FUN, BESIDES MAKING BOB VERY
EXCITED!
WELL, I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO

EXCITED!
WELL, I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO
SOMETHING EXOTIC.

WELL, I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO
SOMETHING EXOTIC.
WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND,

SOMETHING EXOTIC.
WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND,
DARLING?

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND,
DARLING?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE,

DARLING?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE,
YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE,
YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT
IN THE MAGAZINES.

YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT
IN THE MAGAZINES.
THE ONLY MAGAZINES WE GOT

IN THE MAGAZINES.
THE ONLY MAGAZINES WE GOT
AROUND HERE IS "TV GUIDE."

THE ONLY MAGAZINES WE GOT
AROUND HERE IS "TV GUIDE."
HEY, WHY DON'T WE JOIN A RECORD

AROUND HERE IS "TV GUIDE."
HEY, WHY DON'T WE JOIN A RECORD
CLUB?

HEY, WHY DON'T WE JOIN A RECORD
CLUB?
COME ON, LET'S ASK HER IN

CLUB?
COME ON, LET'S ASK HER IN
HERE.

COME ON, LET'S ASK HER IN
HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO ASK HER IN

HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO ASK HER IN
HERE.

I DON'T WANT TO ASK HER IN
HERE.
I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH HER.

HERE.
I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH HER.
SO YOU WENT TO COLLEGE WITH

I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH HER.
SO YOU WENT TO COLLEGE WITH
HER.

SO YOU WENT TO COLLEGE WITH
HER.
YOU'RE BOTH SMART.

HER.
YOU'RE BOTH SMART.
SHE'LL FIND HER WAY IN HERE IN A

YOU'RE BOTH SMART.
SHE'LL FIND HER WAY IN HERE IN A
SECOND.

SHE'LL FIND HER WAY IN HERE IN A
SECOND.
WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE TWO EGGS LIKE

SECOND.
WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE TWO EGGS LIKE
THE REST OF US?

WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE TWO EGGS LIKE
THE REST OF US?
WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE AN ODD

THE REST OF US?
WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE AN ODD
NUMBER OF EGGS EVERY MORNING?

WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE AN ODD
NUMBER OF EGGS EVERY MORNING?
WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO MAKE EGGS

NUMBER OF EGGS EVERY MORNING?
WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO MAKE EGGS
EVERY MORNING?

WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO MAKE EGGS
EVERY MORNING?
WHY AM I DOING THE COOKING?

EVERY MORNING?
WHY AM I DOING THE COOKING?
WHAT IS MY PLACE HERE?

WHY AM I DOING THE COOKING?
WHAT IS MY PLACE HERE?
OH, LISTEN, BEFORE I FORGET,

WHAT IS MY PLACE HERE?
OH, LISTEN, BEFORE I FORGET,
IF IT'S OKAY, CAN I BORROW YOUR

OH, LISTEN, BEFORE I FORGET,
IF IT'S OKAY, CAN I BORROW YOUR
OVERNIGHT BAG?

IF IT'S OKAY, CAN I BORROW YOUR
OVERNIGHT BAG?
SURE. IT'S UPSTAIRS.

OVERNIGHT BAG?
SURE. IT'S UPSTAIRS.
OVERNIGHT BAG, HUH?

SURE. IT'S UPSTAIRS.
OVERNIGHT BAG, HUH?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OVERNIGHT BAG, HUH?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHY DO YOU CARE?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHY DO YOU CARE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY DO I

WHY DO YOU CARE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY DO I
CARE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY DO I
CARE?
I'M A HUMAN BEING.

CARE?
I'M A HUMAN BEING.
I HAVE FEELINGS.

I'M A HUMAN BEING.
I HAVE FEELINGS.
I'M ALSO VERY GOOD IN BED.

I HAVE FEELINGS.
I'M ALSO VERY GOOD IN BED.
OH, PLEASE, SUSAN.

I'M ALSO VERY GOOD IN BED.
OH, PLEASE, SUSAN.
PLEASE, YOU TWO.

OH, PLEASE, SUSAN.
PLEASE, YOU TWO.
PLEASE!

PLEASE, YOU TWO.
PLEASE!
LOOK, JAM.

PLEASE!
LOOK, JAM.
EVERYBODY'S FANTASY NOW

LOOK, JAM.
EVERYBODY'S FANTASY NOW
BECOMES A SITUATION COMEDY.

EVERYBODY'S FANTASY NOW
BECOMES A SITUATION COMEDY.
"THE THREE OF US"... IT'S IN THE

BECOMES A SITUATION COMEDY.
"THE THREE OF US"... IT'S IN THE
CAN AND WAITING.

A YOUNG BLACK VETERAN FROM THE
VIETNAM WAR RETURNS AND TAKES UP
PRACTICE AS A VETERINARIAN IN A

VIETNAM WAR RETURNS AND TAKES UP
PRACTICE AS A VETERINARIAN IN A
SMALL SOUTHERN TOWN.

PRACTICE AS A VETERINARIAN IN A
SMALL SOUTHERN TOWN.
HE AND HIS FAMILY FIND

SMALL SOUTHERN TOWN.
HE AND HIS FAMILY FIND
ACCEPTANCE DIFFICULT.

HE AND HIS FAMILY FIND
ACCEPTANCE DIFFICULT.
NOW, HE'S GONNA HAVE TO BE

ACCEPTANCE DIFFICULT.
NOW, HE'S GONNA HAVE TO BE
OPERATED ON.

NOW, HE'S GONNA HAVE TO BE
OPERATED ON.
QUITE FRANKLY, DUKE DOESN'T WANT

OPERATED ON.
QUITE FRANKLY, DUKE DOESN'T WANT
YOU TO DO IT.

QUITE FRANKLY, DUKE DOESN'T WANT
YOU TO DO IT.
YOU MEAN, I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO

YOU TO DO IT.
YOU MEAN, I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO
BOARD THIS DOG WHILE YOU'RE OUT

YOU MEAN, I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO
BOARD THIS DOG WHILE YOU'RE OUT
OF TOWN, BUT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH

BOARD THIS DOG WHILE YOU'RE OUT
OF TOWN, BUT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
TO OPERATE?

OF TOWN, BUT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
TO OPERATE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO

TO OPERATE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO
ME?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO
ME?
WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING

ME?
WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
IT'S HIS CHOICE.

TO DO WITH IT.
IT'S HIS CHOICE.
I'M NOT THE KIND OF VET THAT

IT'S HIS CHOICE.
I'M NOT THE KIND OF VET THAT
BELIEVES IN DROWNING CATS...

I'M NOT THE KIND OF VET THAT
BELIEVES IN DROWNING CATS...
EXCEPT THE KIND THAT GO AFTER

BELIEVES IN DROWNING CATS...
EXCEPT THE KIND THAT GO AFTER
MY WIFE.

EXCEPT THE KIND THAT GO AFTER
MY WIFE.
I JUST TAKE CARE OF HER COW.

MY WIFE.
I JUST TAKE CARE OF HER COW.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I JUST TAKE CARE OF HER COW.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
THAT'S ALL.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
THAT'S ALL.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A COW,

THAT'S ALL.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A COW,
DR. BOWMAN.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A COW,
DR. BOWMAN.
MAYBE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

DR. BOWMAN.
MAYBE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SOMEBODY ELSE.

MAYBE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SOMEBODY ELSE.
WHO DO YOU MEAN?

SOMEBODY ELSE.
WHO DO YOU MEAN?
MALPRACTICE?

WHO DO YOU MEAN?
MALPRACTICE?
THAT'S RIGHT!

MALPRACTICE?
THAT'S RIGHT!
HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.

THAT'S RIGHT!
HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARAKEETS.

HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARAKEETS.
STAY AWAY FROM THE SHEEP!

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARAKEETS.
STAY AWAY FROM THE SHEEP!
YOU GOT IT?

STAY AWAY FROM THE SHEEP!
YOU GOT IT?
YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM THEM!

YOU GOT IT?
YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM THEM!
LAST NIGHT, MARTIN, IN YOUR

YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM THEM!
LAST NIGHT, MARTIN, IN YOUR
SLEEP, YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU

LAST NIGHT, MARTIN, IN YOUR
SLEEP, YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU
LOVED ME.

SLEEP, YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU
LOVED ME.
YOU KNOW I MEANT IT.

LOVED ME.
YOU KNOW I MEANT IT.
WHAT ELSE DID I SAY?

YOU KNOW I MEANT IT.
WHAT ELSE DID I SAY?
YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D

WHAT ELSE DID I SAY?
YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D
EVER RACE AGAIN, BUT YOU

YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D
EVER RACE AGAIN, BUT YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOOT ME.

EVER RACE AGAIN, BUT YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOOT ME.
[LAUGHING]

"BLACK VET"... HE'S COMING
YOUR WAY JUST AS FAST AS HE CAN.
PLUS THERE'S MORE...

YOUR WAY JUST AS FAST AS HE CAN.
PLUS THERE'S MORE...
SPECIALS THE LIKES OF WHICH

PLUS THERE'S MORE...
SPECIALS THE LIKES OF WHICH
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN...

SPECIALS THE LIKES OF WHICH
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN...
SPECIALS LIKE "TUESDAY NIGHT

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN...
SPECIALS LIKE "TUESDAY NIGHT
NIGHTCLUB."

SPECIALS LIKE "TUESDAY NIGHT
NIGHTCLUB."
EVERY RANDOM TUESDAY, NBC TAKES

NIGHTCLUB."
EVERY RANDOM TUESDAY, NBC TAKES
YOU TO A WORLD-FAMOUS CABARET TO

EVERY RANDOM TUESDAY, NBC TAKES
YOU TO A WORLD-FAMOUS CABARET TO
PRESENT THE FINEST IN

YOU TO A WORLD-FAMOUS CABARET TO
PRESENT THE FINEST IN
UNDERGROUND ENTERTAINMENT.

PRESENT THE FINEST IN
UNDERGROUND ENTERTAINMENT.
AND A NEW PRODUCTION OF

UNDERGROUND ENTERTAINMENT.
AND A NEW PRODUCTION OF
ARTHUR MILLER'S

AND A NEW PRODUCTION OF
ARTHUR MILLER'S
"DEATH OF A SALESMAN" TOTALLY

ARTHUR MILLER'S
"DEATH OF A SALESMAN" TOTALLY
ACTED BY CHILDREN.

"DEATH OF A SALESMAN" TOTALLY
ACTED BY CHILDREN.
DO YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES?

ACTED BY CHILDREN.
DO YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES?
YEAH, I GOT MY GLASSES.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES?
YEAH, I GOT MY GLASSES.
AND YOUR SACCHARIN?

YEAH, I GOT MY GLASSES.
AND YOUR SACCHARIN?
AND MY SACCHARIN.

AND YOUR SACCHARIN?
AND MY SACCHARIN.
GOODBYE. I'M LATE.

AND MY SACCHARIN.
GOODBYE. I'M LATE.
ALSO A SERIES OF BICENTENNIAL

GOODBYE. I'M LATE.
ALSO A SERIES OF BICENTENNIAL
PROGRAMS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU

ALSO A SERIES OF BICENTENNIAL
PROGRAMS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU
FEEL 200 YEARS OLD.

PROGRAMS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU
FEEL 200 YEARS OLD.
AND COMEDIAN ALBERT BROOKS

FEEL 200 YEARS OLD.
AND COMEDIAN ALBERT BROOKS
BREAKS OUT OF HIS LATE-NIGHT

AND COMEDIAN ALBERT BROOKS
BREAKS OUT OF HIS LATE-NIGHT
HARNESS, GETS A PRIME-TIME

BREAKS OUT OF HIS LATE-NIGHT
HARNESS, GETS A PRIME-TIME
SPECIAL, AND FINALLY GETS A

HARNESS, GETS A PRIME-TIME
SPECIAL, AND FINALLY GETS A
CHANCE AT MAKING SOME BIG MONEY.

SPECIAL, AND FINALLY GETS A
CHANCE AT MAKING SOME BIG MONEY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.

CHANCE AT MAKING SOME BIG MONEY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.
AND, GOD WILLING, YOU'RE GONNA

IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.
AND, GOD WILLING, YOU'RE GONNA
LIKE IT A LOT!

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO
"MIDNIGHT PROBE."
DENNIS "X" AND ANTHONY "Q" COME

"MIDNIGHT PROBE."
DENNIS "X" AND ANTHONY "Q" COME
TO US FROM TEMPERQUAIL,

DENNIS "X" AND ANTHONY "Q" COME
TO US FROM TEMPERQUAIL,
NEW ZEALAND.

TO US FROM TEMPERQUAIL,
NEW ZEALAND.
BOTH MEN ARE AMERICANS.

NEW ZEALAND.
BOTH MEN ARE AMERICANS.
BOTH ARE VIETNAM VETERANS, AND

BOTH MEN ARE AMERICANS.
BOTH ARE VIETNAM VETERANS, AND
FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, THEY

BOTH ARE VIETNAM VETERANS, AND
FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, THEY
HAVE WORKED AS PROFESSIONAL KIWI

FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, THEY
HAVE WORKED AS PROFESSIONAL KIWI
TRAPPERS.

HAVE WORKED AS PROFESSIONAL KIWI
TRAPPERS.
GENTLEMEN, NOW, REALLY, WHY THE

TRAPPERS.
GENTLEMEN, NOW, REALLY, WHY THE
DARK GLASSES?

GENTLEMEN, NOW, REALLY, WHY THE
DARK GLASSES?
WELL, KIWI TRAPPING IN SOME

DARK GLASSES?
WELL, KIWI TRAPPING IN SOME
PARTS OF THE WORLD IS ILLEGAL.

WELL, KIWI TRAPPING IN SOME
PARTS OF THE WORLD IS ILLEGAL.
WE DON'T LIKE TO ENCOURAGE KIWI

PARTS OF THE WORLD IS ILLEGAL.
WE DON'T LIKE TO ENCOURAGE KIWI
BOOTLEGGING.

WE DON'T LIKE TO ENCOURAGE KIWI
BOOTLEGGING.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE KIWI.

BOOTLEGGING.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE KIWI.
OH, OKAY, THE BEAST WE'RE

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE KIWI.
OH, OKAY, THE BEAST WE'RE
DEALING WITH, WHICH IS GENUS

OH, OKAY, THE BEAST WE'RE
DEALING WITH, WHICH IS GENUS
APTERYX AUSTRALIS, A BIRD

DEALING WITH, WHICH IS GENUS
APTERYX AUSTRALIS, A BIRD
INCAPABLE OF FLIGHT.

APTERYX AUSTRALIS, A BIRD
INCAPABLE OF FLIGHT.
IT IS CAPABLE OF RANDOMLY

INCAPABLE OF FLIGHT.
IT IS CAPABLE OF RANDOMLY
ASSEMBLING ITSELF INTO LARGE

IT IS CAPABLE OF RANDOMLY
ASSEMBLING ITSELF INTO LARGE
GROUPS IN VERY SMALL PLACES.

ASSEMBLING ITSELF INTO LARGE
GROUPS IN VERY SMALL PLACES.
STANDS ABOUT 10 TO 16 INCHES

GROUPS IN VERY SMALL PLACES.
STANDS ABOUT 10 TO 16 INCHES
HIGH AND IS DRABLY COLORED, EATS

STANDS ABOUT 10 TO 16 INCHES
HIGH AND IS DRABLY COLORED, EATS
GRUBS.

HIGH AND IS DRABLY COLORED, EATS
GRUBS.
WHY TRAP THE KIWI... USEFUL

GRUBS.
WHY TRAP THE KIWI... USEFUL
BY-PRODUCTS?

WHY TRAP THE KIWI... USEFUL
BY-PRODUCTS?
THAT'S RIGHT.

BY-PRODUCTS?
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEIR CROWN FEATHERS ARE PLUCKED

THAT'S RIGHT.
THEIR CROWN FEATHERS ARE PLUCKED
AND FITTED AS GRIT FILTERS ON

THEIR CROWN FEATHERS ARE PLUCKED
AND FITTED AS GRIT FILTERS ON
THE HYDROELECTRIC PRESSES USED

AND FITTED AS GRIT FILTERS ON
THE HYDROELECTRIC PRESSES USED
TO PUNCH OUT BULLDOZER BLADES IN

THE HYDROELECTRIC PRESSES USED
TO PUNCH OUT BULLDOZER BLADES IN
AUSTRALIA'S HEAVY-EQUIPMENT

TO PUNCH OUT BULLDOZER BLADES IN
AUSTRALIA'S HEAVY-EQUIPMENT
INDUSTRY.

AUSTRALIA'S HEAVY-EQUIPMENT
INDUSTRY.
UH-HUH.

INDUSTRY.
UH-HUH.
KIWI TRAPPING... HOW DANGEROUS?

UH-HUH.
KIWI TRAPPING... HOW DANGEROUS?
IF A HELMET IS WORN, NOT AT

KIWI TRAPPING... HOW DANGEROUS?
IF A HELMET IS WORN, NOT AT
ALL... PROPER HEADGEAR, MITTS.

IF A HELMET IS WORN, NOT AT
ALL... PROPER HEADGEAR, MITTS.
UH-HUH.

ALL... PROPER HEADGEAR, MITTS.
UH-HUH.
KIWI CAPABILITY... NOTEWORTHY OR

UH-HUH.
KIWI CAPABILITY... NOTEWORTHY OR
NEGLIGIBLE?

KIWI CAPABILITY... NOTEWORTHY OR
NEGLIGIBLE?
TOUGH TO TRACK?

NEGLIGIBLE?
TOUGH TO TRACK?
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,

TOUGH TO TRACK?
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,
SISTER.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,
SISTER.
THEY DON'T COME WHEN THEY'RE

SISTER.
THEY DON'T COME WHEN THEY'RE
CALLED.

THEY DON'T COME WHEN THEY'RE
CALLED.
[CHUCKLES]

CALLED.
[CHUCKLES]
YEAH.

[CHUCKLES]
YEAH.
NO, BUT THEY'RE FAST.

YEAH.
NO, BUT THEY'RE FAST.
THEY'RE TOUCHY.

NO, BUT THEY'RE FAST.
THEY'RE TOUCHY.
IF THEY WERE A LITTLE HEAVIER, A

THEY'RE TOUCHY.
IF THEY WERE A LITTLE HEAVIER, A
LITTLE TALLER, A LITTLE BROADER

IF THEY WERE A LITTLE HEAVIER, A
LITTLE TALLER, A LITTLE BROADER
IN THE WING, THEY COULD PROBABLY

LITTLE TALLER, A LITTLE BROADER
IN THE WING, THEY COULD PROBABLY
DROP ME IN A FIGHT.

IN THE WING, THEY COULD PROBABLY
DROP ME IN A FIGHT.
IT COULD BE A BAD BIRD,

DROP ME IN A FIGHT.
IT COULD BE A BAD BIRD,
SISTER.

IT COULD BE A BAD BIRD,
SISTER.
LET ME TELL YOU.

SISTER.
LET ME TELL YOU.
DENNIS HAS PERSONALLY HANDLED

LET ME TELL YOU.
DENNIS HAS PERSONALLY HANDLED
THOUSANDS OF THESE BIRDS.

DENNIS HAS PERSONALLY HANDLED
THOUSANDS OF THESE BIRDS.
IT'S LIKE SOMETIMES THEY

THOUSANDS OF THESE BIRDS.
IT'S LIKE SOMETIMES THEY
CAN... THEY CAN READ MINDS OR

IT'S LIKE SOMETIMES THEY
CAN... THEY CAN READ MINDS OR
SOMETHING.

CAN... THEY CAN READ MINDS OR
SOMETHING.
YES.

SOMETHING.
YES.
SEE, WE'VE LEARNED THAT SLEEPING

YES.
SEE, WE'VE LEARNED THAT SLEEPING
WITH 30 OR MORE STATIONARY KIWI

SEE, WE'VE LEARNED THAT SLEEPING
WITH 30 OR MORE STATIONARY KIWI
CAUSES NIGHTMARES.

WITH 30 OR MORE STATIONARY KIWI
CAUSES NIGHTMARES.
SLEEP WITH THEM?

CAUSES NIGHTMARES.
SLEEP WITH THEM?
FORGET ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THEM!

SLEEP WITH THEM?
FORGET ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THEM!
1:00, 2:00 IN THE MORNING, SOME

FORGET ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THEM!
1:00, 2:00 IN THE MORNING, SOME
OF THEM WILL START HOPPING.

1:00, 2:00 IN THE MORNING, SOME
OF THEM WILL START HOPPING.
200, 300 OF THEM HOPPING AROUND,

OF THEM WILL START HOPPING.
200, 300 OF THEM HOPPING AROUND,
ZIGZAGGING AN AREA OF 90 SQUARE

200, 300 OF THEM HOPPING AROUND,
ZIGZAGGING AN AREA OF 90 SQUARE
FEET, LEAPING CRAZILY AROUND,

ZIGZAGGING AN AREA OF 90 SQUARE
FEET, LEAPING CRAZILY AROUND,
MAKING SHAPES AND PATTERNS.

FEET, LEAPING CRAZILY AROUND,
MAKING SHAPES AND PATTERNS.
YOU CAN SEE THESE SHAPES AND

MAKING SHAPES AND PATTERNS.
YOU CAN SEE THESE SHAPES AND
PATTERNS LIKE DIAGONALS.

YOU CAN SEE THESE SHAPES AND
PATTERNS LIKE DIAGONALS.
IT'S... IT'S JUST LIKE THEY DO

PATTERNS LIKE DIAGONALS.
IT'S... IT'S JUST LIKE THEY DO
IT TO HYPNOTIZE YOU OR

IT'S... IT'S JUST LIKE THEY DO
IT TO HYPNOTIZE YOU OR
SOMETHING.

IT TO HYPNOTIZE YOU OR
SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE THIS POWER THEY HAVE.

SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE THIS POWER THEY HAVE.
THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S LIKE THIS POWER THEY HAVE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT I'LL SAY THIS FOR THE KIWI.

THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT I'LL SAY THIS FOR THE KIWI.
ALONE... NO SWEAT.

BUT I'LL SAY THIS FOR THE KIWI.
ALONE... NO SWEAT.
BUT IN FLOCKS, MAN, YOU GOT TO

ALONE... NO SWEAT.
BUT IN FLOCKS, MAN, YOU GOT TO
HUSTLE.

BUT IN FLOCKS, MAN, YOU GOT TO
HUSTLE.
SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE

HUSTLE.
SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE
DRILLING HOLES IN THEIR BEAKS

SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE
DRILLING HOLES IN THEIR BEAKS
AND USING THE DAMN BIRDS AS

DRILLING HOLES IN THEIR BEAKS
AND USING THE DAMN BIRDS AS
TOOTHBRUSH HOLDERS.

AND USING THE DAMN BIRDS AS
TOOTHBRUSH HOLDERS.
BUT YOU LEARN TO LOVE THEM.

TOOTHBRUSH HOLDERS.
BUT YOU LEARN TO LOVE THEM.
MOST OF ALL, CANDICE, MOST OF

BUT YOU LEARN TO LOVE THEM.
MOST OF ALL, CANDICE, MOST OF
ALL, YOU LEARN TO RESPECT THEM.

MOST OF ALL, CANDICE, MOST OF
ALL, YOU LEARN TO RESPECT THEM.
THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL, YOU LEARN TO RESPECT THEM.
THAT'S RIGHT.
UH-HUH. I SEE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
UH-HUH. I SEE.
WELL, GENTLEMAN, IF YOU WILL,

UH-HUH. I SEE.
WELL, GENTLEMAN, IF YOU WILL,
PLEASE, A DEMONSTRATION OF

WELL, GENTLEMAN, IF YOU WILL,
PLEASE, A DEMONSTRATION OF
KIWI-TRAPPING TECHNIQUE.

PLEASE, A DEMONSTRATION OF
KIWI-TRAPPING TECHNIQUE.
OKAY, DENNIS AND I WILL DO

KIWI-TRAPPING TECHNIQUE.
OKAY, DENNIS AND I WILL DO
THE STANDARD HIGH-NOON

OKAY, DENNIS AND I WILL DO
THE STANDARD HIGH-NOON
FLUSH-AND-BAG PROCEDURE.

THE STANDARD HIGH-NOON
FLUSH-AND-BAG PROCEDURE.
THIS IS THE THE STANDARD

FLUSH-AND-BAG PROCEDURE.
THIS IS THE THE STANDARD
HIGH-NOON FLUSH-AND-BAG

THIS IS THE THE STANDARD
HIGH-NOON FLUSH-AND-BAG
PROCEDURE.

HIGH-NOON FLUSH-AND-BAG
PROCEDURE.
IT'S USED BY MOST TRAPPERS.

PROCEDURE.
IT'S USED BY MOST TRAPPERS.
IN IT, WE DO A FLUSHING CHANT.

IT'S USED BY MOST TRAPPERS.
IN IT, WE DO A FLUSHING CHANT.
SO IF YOU COULD TURN DOWN YOUR

IN IT, WE DO A FLUSHING CHANT.
SO IF YOU COULD TURN DOWN YOUR
MICROPHONES A BIT, MIGHT BE

SO IF YOU COULD TURN DOWN YOUR
MICROPHONES A BIT, MIGHT BE
EASIER ON THE STUDIO.

MICROPHONES A BIT, MIGHT BE
EASIER ON THE STUDIO.
CANDICE, WOULD YOU STEP RIGHT IN

EASIER ON THE STUDIO.
CANDICE, WOULD YOU STEP RIGHT IN
FRONT OF THE DESK?

CANDICE, WOULD YOU STEP RIGHT IN
FRONT OF THE DESK?
THERE. RIGHT HERE.

FRONT OF THE DESK?
THERE. RIGHT HERE.
OKAY.

THERE. RIGHT HERE.
OKAY.
OKAY.

OKAY.
OKAY.
OKAY, READY?

OKAY.
OKAY, READY?
Both: [Chanting] KIWI!

OKAY, READY?
Both: [Chanting] KIWI!
KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!

Both: [Chanting] KIWI!
KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!
KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!

KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!
KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!
KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!

KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!
KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!
KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!

KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!
KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!
[Chanting] GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!
[Chanting] GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

[Chanting] GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
WE GOT YOU! WE GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
WE GOT YOU! WE GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

WE GOT YOU! WE GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!
GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOOD EVENING.
TRANS AMERICAN AIRLINES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO

TRANS AMERICAN AIRLINES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO
TO YOU, LADY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO
TO YOU, LADY?
I'D LIKE TO STICK TACKS IN YOUR

TO YOU, LADY?
I'D LIKE TO STICK TACKS IN YOUR
NECK.

I'D LIKE TO STICK TACKS IN YOUR
NECK.
AND THEN I'D LIKE TO TAKE A

NECK.
AND THEN I'D LIKE TO TAKE A
CHAINSAW AND RUN IT DOWN YOUR

AND THEN I'D LIKE TO TAKE A
CHAINSAW AND RUN IT DOWN YOUR
SPINE.

CHAINSAW AND RUN IT DOWN YOUR
SPINE.
THEN I'D LIKE TO THROW GARBAGE

SPINE.
THEN I'D LIKE TO THROW GARBAGE
AT YOUR FACE.

THEN I'D LIKE TO THROW GARBAGE
AT YOUR FACE.
THEN I'D LIKE TO RENT A TRUCK,

AT YOUR FACE.
THEN I'D LIKE TO RENT A TRUCK,
FILL IT FULL OF SCRAP METAL, AND

THEN I'D LIKE TO RENT A TRUCK,
FILL IT FULL OF SCRAP METAL, AND
PARK IT ON YOUR KNEECAPS.

FILL IT FULL OF SCRAP METAL, AND
PARK IT ON YOUR KNEECAPS.
THEN I'D LIKE TO HIT YOU IN THE

PARK IT ON YOUR KNEECAPS.
THEN I'D LIKE TO HIT YOU IN THE
LUNGS WITH A SHOVEL, THROW MORE

THEN I'D LIKE TO HIT YOU IN THE
LUNGS WITH A SHOVEL, THROW MORE
GARBAGE AT YOUR FACE, AND THEN

LUNGS WITH A SHOVEL, THROW MORE
GARBAGE AT YOUR FACE, AND THEN
I'D LIKE TO LOP OFF YOUR THUMBS

GARBAGE AT YOUR FACE, AND THEN
I'D LIKE TO LOP OFF YOUR THUMBS
WITH A GRAPEFRUIT KNIFE.

I'D LIKE TO LOP OFF YOUR THUMBS
WITH A GRAPEFRUIT KNIFE.
GOODBYE.

WITH A GRAPEFRUIT KNIFE.
GOODBYE.
GOODBYE, AND THANK YOU FOR

GOODBYE.
GOODBYE, AND THANK YOU FOR
CALLING TRANS AMERICAN.

GOODBYE, AND THANK YOU FOR
CALLING TRANS AMERICAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CALLING TRANS AMERICAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Announcer: COME WITH US NOW

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Announcer: COME WITH US NOW
FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS OF

Announcer: COME WITH US NOW
FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS OF
THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM

FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS OF
THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM
THE ROTTING FOREST TO THE

THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM
THE ROTTING FOREST TO THE
STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND

THE ROTTING FOREST TO THE
STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND
OF GORCH.

STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND
OF GORCH.
MMM.

[SLURPING]
[LIPS SMACKING]
AHH!

[LIPS SMACKING]
AHH!
BOY, THESE GLIGS ARE REALLY

AHH!
BOY, THESE GLIGS ARE REALLY
CLAW-LICKING GOOD, YOU KNOW?

BOY, THESE GLIGS ARE REALLY
CLAW-LICKING GOOD, YOU KNOW?
MMM.

CLAW-LICKING GOOD, YOU KNOW?
MMM.
TELL ME, VAZH, IS THERE ANY MORE

MMM.
TELL ME, VAZH, IS THERE ANY MORE
EXTRA-CRISPY LEFT?

TELL ME, VAZH, IS THERE ANY MORE
EXTRA-CRISPY LEFT?
OH, NO.

EXTRA-CRISPY LEFT?
OH, NO.
NO?

OH, NO.
NO?
WHY DIDN'T YOU PREPARE MORE?

NO?
WHY DIDN'T YOU PREPARE MORE?
YOU KNOW THAT THE GLIGS ARE MY

WHY DIDN'T YOU PREPARE MORE?
YOU KNOW THAT THE GLIGS ARE MY
FAVORITE DISH.

YOU KNOW THAT THE GLIGS ARE MY
FAVORITE DISH.
OH, BUT, PLOOBIS, THERE ARE

FAVORITE DISH.
OH, BUT, PLOOBIS, THERE ARE
ONLY A PAIR OF THEM LEFT...

OH, BUT, PLOOBIS, THERE ARE
ONLY A PAIR OF THEM LEFT...
A MALE AND A FEMALE.

ONLY A PAIR OF THEM LEFT...
A MALE AND A FEMALE.
YES.

A MALE AND A FEMALE.
YES.
B-BUT I REMEMBER THAT ONCE,

YES.
B-BUT I REMEMBER THAT ONCE,
THE PRAIRIES OF GORCH USED TO

B-BUT I REMEMBER THAT ONCE,
THE PRAIRIES OF GORCH USED TO
TEEM WITH GREAT FLOCKS OF GLIGS.

THE PRAIRIES OF GORCH USED TO
TEEM WITH GREAT FLOCKS OF GLIGS.
I KNOW, BUT WE'VE USED THEM

TEEM WITH GREAT FLOCKS OF GLIGS.
I KNOW, BUT WE'VE USED THEM
ALL UP.

I KNOW, BUT WE'VE USED THEM
ALL UP.
[GROANS]

ALL UP.
[GROANS]
WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THE

[GROANS]
WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THE
LAST TWO?

WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THE
LAST TWO?
HORS D'OEUVRES OR MAYBE A HAT TO

LAST TWO?
HORS D'OEUVRES OR MAYBE A HAT TO
GO WITH MY GLIG-SKIN COAT.

HORS D'OEUVRES OR MAYBE A HAT TO
GO WITH MY GLIG-SKIN COAT.
A COAT?

GO WITH MY GLIG-SKIN COAT.
A COAT?
NO!

A COAT?
NO!
SEE THAT?

NO!
SEE THAT?
IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT HAVE

SEE THAT?
IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT HAVE
BROUGHT THE GLIG TO THE VERGE OF

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT HAVE
BROUGHT THE GLIG TO THE VERGE OF
EXTINCTION.

BROUGHT THE GLIG TO THE VERGE OF
EXTINCTION.
B-BUT, PLOOBIS, YOU GAVE ME

EXTINCTION.
B-BUT, PLOOBIS, YOU GAVE ME
THAT COAT, REMEMBER?

B-BUT, PLOOBIS, YOU GAVE ME
THAT COAT, REMEMBER?
ON THAT LONG WEEKEND?

THAT COAT, REMEMBER?
ON THAT LONG WEEKEND?
OH, YEAH, LISTEN, VAZH, WHY

ON THAT LONG WEEKEND?
OH, YEAH, LISTEN, VAZH, WHY
DON'T YOU JUST KEEP THAT WEEKEND

OH, YEAH, LISTEN, VAZH, WHY
DON'T YOU JUST KEEP THAT WEEKEND
BETWEEN YOU AND ME, YOU KNOW,

DON'T YOU JUST KEEP THAT WEEKEND
BETWEEN YOU AND ME, YOU KNOW,
HUH?

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, YOU KNOW,
HUH?
OH, SURE.

HUH?
OH, SURE.
PLOOBIS!

OH, SURE.
PLOOBIS!
YEAH, YEAH.

PLOOBIS!
YEAH, YEAH.
YES, MY DEAR.

YEAH, YEAH.
YES, MY DEAR.
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?

YES, MY DEAR.
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?
NOTHING, NOTHING.

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?
NOTHING, NOTHING.
I WAS JUST [CLEARS THROAT]

NOTHING, NOTHING.
I WAS JUST [CLEARS THROAT]
I WAS JUST, UH... I WAS JUST

I WAS JUST [CLEARS THROAT]
I WAS JUST, UH... I WAS JUST
GIVING SOME ADVICE TO THE

I WAS JUST, UH... I WAS JUST
GIVING SOME ADVICE TO THE
SERVANTS HERE.

GIVING SOME ADVICE TO THE
SERVANTS HERE.
VAZH, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND

SERVANTS HERE.
VAZH, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND
MILK THE GORKON?

VAZH, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND
MILK THE GORKON?
AGAIN?

MILK THE GORKON?
AGAIN?
JUST GET ON OUT OF HERE.

AGAIN?
JUST GET ON OUT OF HERE.
[CHUCKLES]

JUST GET ON OUT OF HERE.
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, DEAR, HOW DO YOU LIKE

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, DEAR, HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY NEW SHOES, HUH?

WELL, DEAR, HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY NEW SHOES, HUH?
HMM?

MY NEW SHOES, HUH?
HMM?
AND HANDBAG.

HMM?
AND HANDBAG.
WAIT A MINUTE.

AND HANDBAG.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S MADE OUT OF GLIG-SKIN.

WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S MADE OUT OF GLIG-SKIN.
UH-HUH.

THAT'S MADE OUT OF GLIG-SKIN.
UH-HUH.
YEAH. AND THOSE SHOES.

UH-HUH.
YEAH. AND THOSE SHOES.
WHY, IT MUST HAVE TAKEN THREE

YEAH. AND THOSE SHOES.
WHY, IT MUST HAVE TAKEN THREE
GLIGS FOR THOSE SHOES ALONE.

WHY, IT MUST HAVE TAKEN THREE
GLIGS FOR THOSE SHOES ALONE.
WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.

GLIGS FOR THOSE SHOES ALONE.
WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE FOR EACH FOOT.

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE FOR EACH FOOT.
YEAH.

ONE FOR EACH FOOT.
YEAH.
HMM.

YEAH.
HMM.
SCRED! SCRED, COME IN HERE.

HMM.
SCRED! SCRED, COME IN HERE.
♪ DON'T ASK ME IF I LOVE

SCRED! SCRED, COME IN HERE.
♪ DON'T ASK ME IF I LOVE
YOU ♪

♪ DON'T ASK ME IF I LOVE
YOU ♪
♪ I'D HAVE TO TELL A LIE ♪

YOU ♪
♪ I'D HAVE TO TELL A LIE ♪
SCRED!

♪ I'D HAVE TO TELL A LIE ♪
SCRED!
COME HERE.

SCRED!
COME HERE.
LISTEN.

COME HERE.
LISTEN.
IT HAS COME TO ME THAT THERE ARE

LISTEN.
IT HAS COME TO ME THAT THERE ARE
ONLY TWO GLIGS LEFT IN ALL

IT HAS COME TO ME THAT THERE ARE
ONLY TWO GLIGS LEFT IN ALL
GORCH.

ONLY TWO GLIGS LEFT IN ALL
GORCH.
HMM.

GORCH.
HMM.
WHAT DO WE DO?

HMM.
WHAT DO WE DO?
HMM.

WHAT DO WE DO?
HMM.
HOWS ABOUT WE STUFF 'EM AND PUT

HMM.
HOWS ABOUT WE STUFF 'EM AND PUT
'EM IN THE GORCH MUSEUM, HMM?

HOWS ABOUT WE STUFF 'EM AND PUT
'EM IN THE GORCH MUSEUM, HMM?
SCRED!

'EM IN THE GORCH MUSEUM, HMM?
SCRED!
AAH!

SCRED!
AAH!
I GUESS NOT, HUH?

AAH!
I GUESS NOT, HUH?
NO. WHAT WE DO IS WE ASK THE

I GUESS NOT, HUH?
NO. WHAT WE DO IS WE ASK THE
ADVICE OF THE MIGHTY FAVOG.

NO. WHAT WE DO IS WE ASK THE
ADVICE OF THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
[GONG BANGS]

ADVICE OF THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
[GONG BANGS]
THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.

[GONG BANGS]
THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
TALK TA ME.

THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
TALK TA ME.
OH, MIGHTY FAVOG!

TALK TA ME.
OH, MIGHTY FAVOG!
DON'T SHOUT.

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG!
DON'T SHOUT.
OH, MIGHTY FAVOG.

DON'T SHOUT.
OH, MIGHTY FAVOG.
THAT'S NICE.

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG.
THAT'S NICE.
I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

THAT'S NICE.
I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR

I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR
PERSONAL?

BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR
PERSONAL?
UH... SCRED?

PERSONAL?
UH... SCRED?
ECOLOGICAL, OH, GRAND

UH... SCRED?
ECOLOGICAL, OH, GRAND
POLLUTER.

ECOLOGICAL, OH, GRAND
POLLUTER.
IT'S ECOLOGICAL!

POLLUTER.
IT'S ECOLOGICAL!
[SNORTS]

IT'S ECOLOGICAL!
[SNORTS]
IT'S GONNA COST YA...

[SNORTS]
IT'S GONNA COST YA...
TWO CHICKENS AND A GLIG.

IT'S GONNA COST YA...
TWO CHICKENS AND A GLIG.
PAY HIM, SCRED.

TWO CHICKENS AND A GLIG.
PAY HIM, SCRED.
OH, YEAH.

PAY HIM, SCRED.
OH, YEAH.
[HUMMING]

OH, YEAH.
[HUMMING]
TWO CHICKENS!

[HUMMING]
TWO CHICKENS!
GET IN THERE, YA LITTLE GUYS.

TWO CHICKENS!
GET IN THERE, YA LITTLE GUYS.
MM-HMM.

GET IN THERE, YA LITTLE GUYS.
MM-HMM.
AND ONE GLIG.

MM-HMM.
AND ONE GLIG.
OH, WE DON'T HAVE A GLIG.

AND ONE GLIG.
OH, WE DON'T HAVE A GLIG.
LET'S SEE.

OH, WE DON'T HAVE A GLIG.
LET'S SEE.
OH, LOOK!

LET'S SEE.
OH, LOOK!
AH! THERE, THERE!

OH, LOOK!
AH! THERE, THERE!
THERE'S A GLIG! LOOK!

AH! THERE, THERE!
THERE'S A GLIG! LOOK!
GET HIM! GET HIM!

THERE'S A GLIG! LOOK!
GET HIM! GET HIM!
OH, PLEASE!

GET HIM! GET HIM!
OH, PLEASE!
DON'T HURT ME!

OH, PLEASE!
DON'T HURT ME!
PLEASE! OH, PLEASE!

DON'T HURT ME!
PLEASE! OH, PLEASE!
OH, PLEASE!

PLEASE! OH, PLEASE!
OH, PLEASE!
STOP THIS!

OH, PLEASE!
STOP THIS!
OH, PLEASE!

STOP THIS!
OH, PLEASE!
AAAH! AAAAAAAAH!

OH, PLEASE!
AAAH! AAAAAAAAH!
[SPLASH]

AAAH! AAAAAAAAH!
[SPLASH]
EMOTIONAL LITTLE DEVIL.

[SPLASH]
EMOTIONAL LITTLE DEVIL.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

EMOTIONAL LITTLE DEVIL.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
WELL, THE PROBLEM IS THIS.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
WELL, THE PROBLEM IS THIS.
YOU SEE, WE ONLY HAVE TWO GLIGS.

WELL, THE PROBLEM IS THIS.
YOU SEE, WE ONLY HAVE TWO GLIGS.
MNH-MNH. SIRE, SIRE.

YOU SEE, WE ONLY HAVE TWO GLIGS.
MNH-MNH. SIRE, SIRE.
[WHISPERING]

MNH-MNH. SIRE, SIRE.
[WHISPERING]
TWO GLIGS...

[WHISPERING]
TWO GLIGS...
[WHISPERING]

TWO GLIGS...
[WHISPERING]
ONE GLIG...

[WHISPERING]
ONE GLIG...
[WHISPERING]

ONE GLIG...
[WHISPERING]
FAVOG.

[WHISPERING]
FAVOG.
OH.

FAVOG.
OH.
MM-HMM.

OH.
MM-HMM.
UH... WE ONLY GOT ONE GLIG IN

MM-HMM.
UH... WE ONLY GOT ONE GLIG IN
ALL OF GORCH, YOU SEE?

UH... WE ONLY GOT ONE GLIG IN
ALL OF GORCH, YOU SEE?
AND THE PROBLEM IS, HOW DO WE

ALL OF GORCH, YOU SEE?
AND THE PROBLEM IS, HOW DO WE
GET MORE GLIGS?

AND THE PROBLEM IS, HOW DO WE
GET MORE GLIGS?
YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING

GET MORE GLIGS?
YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING
SOONER.

YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING
SOONER.
ALL RIGHT, TAKE BACK YOUR GLIG.

SOONER.
ALL RIGHT, TAKE BACK YOUR GLIG.
THANK GOODNESS!

ALL RIGHT, TAKE BACK YOUR GLIG.
THANK GOODNESS!
AHH! COME BACK HERE, YOU!

THANK GOODNESS!
AHH! COME BACK HERE, YOU!
OKAY.

AHH! COME BACK HERE, YOU!
OKAY.
GO FORTH, BE FRUITFUL, AND

OKAY.
GO FORTH, BE FRUITFUL, AND
MULTIPLY!

GO FORTH, BE FRUITFUL, AND
MULTIPLY!
I'M COMING, BERNICE!

MULTIPLY!
I'M COMING, BERNICE!
[APPLAUSE]

AND SO THE COW WAS RETURNED
TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER.
[BOTH LAUGH]

TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER.
[BOTH LAUGH]
YOU KNOW, YOUR MAJESTY, IN

[BOTH LAUGH]
YOU KNOW, YOUR MAJESTY, IN
ALL MY TRAVELS, I HAVE SELDOM

YOU KNOW, YOUR MAJESTY, IN
ALL MY TRAVELS, I HAVE SELDOM
SEEN A PEOPLE AS HAPPY AS THOSE

ALL MY TRAVELS, I HAVE SELDOM
SEEN A PEOPLE AS HAPPY AS THOSE
I'VE MET DURING MY STAY HERE.

SEEN A PEOPLE AS HAPPY AS THOSE
I'VE MET DURING MY STAY HERE.
VERY HAPPY, YES, YES.

I'VE MET DURING MY STAY HERE.
VERY HAPPY, YES, YES.
THERE IS NO POLITICAL UNREST

VERY HAPPY, YES, YES.
THERE IS NO POLITICAL UNREST
IN YOUR COUNTRY, NO RELIGIOUS

THERE IS NO POLITICAL UNREST
IN YOUR COUNTRY, NO RELIGIOUS
STRIFE.

IN YOUR COUNTRY, NO RELIGIOUS
STRIFE.
YES, YES, VERY, VERY

STRIFE.
YES, YES, VERY, VERY
PEACEFUL.

YES, YES, VERY, VERY
PEACEFUL.
VERY HAPPY PEOPLE.

PEACEFUL.
VERY HAPPY PEOPLE.
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

VERY HAPPY PEOPLE.
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
ARE WE ALL SET TO ROLL, JIM?

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
ARE WE ALL SET TO ROLL, JIM?
JIM?

ARE WE ALL SET TO ROLL, JIM?
JIM?
OKAY.

JIM?
OKAY.
WELL, THIS MAY NOT BE THE MOST

OKAY.
WELL, THIS MAY NOT BE THE MOST
CONTROVERSIAL INTERVIEW I'VE

WELL, THIS MAY NOT BE THE MOST
CONTROVERSIAL INTERVIEW I'VE
EVER DONE, BUT LET'S GIVE IT A

CONTROVERSIAL INTERVIEW I'VE
EVER DONE, BUT LET'S GIVE IT A
WHIRL, ALL RIGHT?

EVER DONE, BUT LET'S GIVE IT A
WHIRL, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY.

WHIRL, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY.
OKAY.

OKAY.
OKAY.
OKAY.

OKAY.
OKAY.
[CLEARS THROAT]

OKAY.
[CLEARS THROAT]
GOOD EVENING.

[CLEARS THROAT]
GOOD EVENING.
THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN REPORTING

GOOD EVENING.
THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN REPORTING
FROM, UH, ONE OF THOSE LITTLE

THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN REPORTING
FROM, UH, ONE OF THOSE LITTLE
THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES, AND I'M

FROM, UH, ONE OF THOSE LITTLE
THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES, AND I'M
TALKING TO THE RULER OF THAT

THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES, AND I'M
TALKING TO THE RULER OF THAT
COUNTRY, HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS,

TALKING TO THE RULER OF THAT
COUNTRY, HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS,
KING... TASAFUKA... [CHUCKLES]

COUNTRY, HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS,
KING... TASAFUKA... [CHUCKLES]
LISTEN, I CAN'T PRONOUNCE THIS

KING... TASAFUKA... [CHUCKLES]
LISTEN, I CAN'T PRONOUNCE THIS
NAME.

LISTEN, I CAN'T PRONOUNCE THIS
NAME.
WHY DON'T I JUST CALL YOU

NAME.
WHY DON'T I JUST CALL YOU
RAGHEAD, OKAY?

WHY DON'T I JUST CALL YOU
RAGHEAD, OKAY?
I-I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SPEAK

RAGHEAD, OKAY?
I-I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SPEAK
ENGLISH TOO GOOD.

I-I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SPEAK
ENGLISH TOO GOOD.
WHAT IS THIS RAGHEAD?

ENGLISH TOO GOOD.
WHAT IS THIS RAGHEAD?
OF COURSE, I'M SORRY.

WHAT IS THIS RAGHEAD?
OF COURSE, I'M SORRY.
NOW, IF YOU PREFER PORKFACE,

OF COURSE, I'M SORRY.
NOW, IF YOU PREFER PORKFACE,
THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

NOW, IF YOU PREFER PORKFACE,
THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
PORKFACE.

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
PORKFACE.
YES, WONDERFUL.

PORKFACE.
YES, WONDERFUL.
PORKFACE.

YES, WONDERFUL.
PORKFACE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A WONDERFUL

PORKFACE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A WONDERFUL
TIE YOU HAVE THERE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S A WONDERFUL
TIE YOU HAVE THERE.
IT'S VERY ELEGANT.

TIE YOU HAVE THERE.
IT'S VERY ELEGANT.
YOU LIKE THIS?

IT'S VERY ELEGANT.
YOU LIKE THIS?
VERY MUCH.

YOU LIKE THIS?
VERY MUCH.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

VERY MUCH.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WOULD YOU LIKE A MATCHING

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WOULD YOU LIKE A MATCHING
HANDKERCHIEF?

WOULD YOU LIKE A MATCHING
HANDKERCHIEF?
THAT WOULD BE NICE.

HANDKERCHIEF?
THAT WOULD BE NICE.
IT WOULD BE NICE.

THAT WOULD BE NICE.
IT WOULD BE NICE.
OKAY. HERE YOU GO.

IT WOULD BE NICE.
OKAY. HERE YOU GO.
MATCHING HANDKERCHIEF.

OKAY. HERE YOU GO.
MATCHING HANDKERCHIEF.
OH, YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION

MATCHING HANDKERCHIEF.
OH, YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION
BUCKS.

OH, YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION
BUCKS.
I DO NOT THINK IT LOOK GOOD.

BUCKS.
I DO NOT THINK IT LOOK GOOD.
I WOULD RATHER YOU HAD NOT HAVE

I DO NOT THINK IT LOOK GOOD.
I WOULD RATHER YOU HAD NOT HAVE
DONE THAT.

I WOULD RATHER YOU HAD NOT HAVE
DONE THAT.
NO GOOD, HUH?

DONE THAT.
NO GOOD, HUH?
NO GOOD.

NO GOOD, HUH?
NO GOOD.
I KNOW... A GOATEE.

NO GOOD.
I KNOW... A GOATEE.
DO YOU MIND?

I KNOW... A GOATEE.
DO YOU MIND?
WELL, IF YOU MUST.

DO YOU MIND?
WELL, IF YOU MUST.
OKAY. A GOATEE.

WELL, IF YOU MUST.
OKAY. A GOATEE.
THERE WE GO.

OKAY. A GOATEE.
THERE WE GO.
VERY SMART, VERY STYLISH.

THERE WE GO.
VERY SMART, VERY STYLISH.
OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PEN BACK.

VERY SMART, VERY STYLISH.
OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PEN BACK.
ALLOW ME TO JUST STICK IT UP

OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PEN BACK.
ALLOW ME TO JUST STICK IT UP
YOUR NOSE.

ALLOW ME TO JUST STICK IT UP
YOUR NOSE.
WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD

YOUR NOSE.
WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD
WANT PEN IN NOSE?

WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD
WANT PEN IN NOSE?
YOU HAVE BEEN BEING RUDE, I

WANT PEN IN NOSE?
YOU HAVE BEEN BEING RUDE, I
THINK.

YOU HAVE BEEN BEING RUDE, I
THINK.
YOU KNOW, KING, THIS IS GREAT

THINK.
YOU KNOW, KING, THIS IS GREAT
COFFEE.

YOU KNOW, KING, THIS IS GREAT
COFFEE.
VERY FULL-BODIED.

COFFEE.
VERY FULL-BODIED.
COULD I GIVE YOU SOME?

VERY FULL-BODIED.
COULD I GIVE YOU SOME?
I DON'T KNOW.

COULD I GIVE YOU SOME?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?

I DON'T KNOW.
OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?
ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'LL LOVE IT.

OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?
ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'LL LOVE IT.
OKAY.

ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'LL LOVE IT.
OKAY.
OKAY, HERE.

OKAY.
OKAY, HERE.
HERE WE GO.

OKAY, HERE.
HERE WE GO.
COFFEE.

HERE WE GO.
COFFEE.
COFFEE... AAH-GAH-AAH!

COFFEE.
COFFEE... AAH-GAH-AAH!
OH, NOW I THINK YOU GO TOO FAR.

COFFEE... AAH-GAH-AAH!
OH, NOW I THINK YOU GO TOO FAR.
OH, BY THE WAY, I SENT YOU A

OH, NOW I THINK YOU GO TOO FAR.
OH, BY THE WAY, I SENT YOU A
LETTER LAST WEEK.

OH, BY THE WAY, I SENT YOU A
LETTER LAST WEEK.
YOU DID?

LETTER LAST WEEK.
YOU DID?
I RECEIVED NO SUCH

YOU DID?
I RECEIVED NO SUCH
CORRESPONDENCE.

I RECEIVED NO SUCH
CORRESPONDENCE.
OH, REALLY?

CORRESPONDENCE.
OH, REALLY?
NO.

OH, REALLY?
NO.
THAT'S BECAUSE I FORGOT TO

NO.
THAT'S BECAUSE I FORGOT TO
STAMP IT.

THAT'S BECAUSE I FORGOT TO
STAMP IT.
[FOOT POUNDS]

STAMP IT.
[FOOT POUNDS]
AAH! GAH! WAH!

[FOOT POUNDS]
AAH! GAH! WAH!
OH, THIS IS IT.

AAH! GAH! WAH!
OH, THIS IS IT.
YOU ARE BEGGING FOR A BEATING,

OH, THIS IS IT.
YOU ARE BEGGING FOR A BEATING,
FOOLISH ONE.

YOU ARE BEGGING FOR A BEATING,
FOOLISH ONE.
THIS INSULT WILL NOT GO

FOOLISH ONE.
THIS INSULT WILL NOT GO
UNPUNISHED.

THIS INSULT WILL NOT GO
UNPUNISHED.
BEFORE THE SUN RISES...

UNPUNISHED.
BEFORE THE SUN RISES...
PARDON ME FOR INTERRUPTING

BEFORE THE SUN RISES...
PARDON ME FOR INTERRUPTING
YOU.

PARDON ME FOR INTERRUPTING
YOU.
YES?

YOU.
YES?
LISTEN TO THIS.

YES?
LISTEN TO THIS.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MATCH BURN

LISTEN TO THIS.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MATCH BURN
TWICE?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MATCH BURN
TWICE?
NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS.

TWICE?
NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS.
WATCH THIS... ONCE.

NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS.
WATCH THIS... ONCE.
OH, ONCE.

WATCH THIS... ONCE.
OH, ONCE.
GAH!

OH, ONCE.
GAH!
TWICE.

GAH!
TWICE.
GAH!

TWICE.
GAH!
YOU... YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR

GAH!
YOU... YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR
DOOM, DAUGHTER OF A THOUSAND

YOU... YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR
DOOM, DAUGHTER OF A THOUSAND
DEVILS!

DOOM, DAUGHTER OF A THOUSAND
DEVILS!
PREPARE TO DIE!

DEVILS!
PREPARE TO DIE!
GUARDS!

PREPARE TO DIE!
GUARDS!
GUARDS!

GUARDS!
GUARDS!
TAKE THIS WOMAN OUT.

GUARDS!
TAKE THIS WOMAN OUT.
HANG HER AND SHOOT HER AND CHOP

TAKE THIS WOMAN OUT.
HANG HER AND SHOOT HER AND CHOP
OFF HER HEAD AND PLACE IT ON A

HANG HER AND SHOOT HER AND CHOP
OFF HER HEAD AND PLACE IT ON A
STAKE SO THAT ALL MAY SEE!

OFF HER HEAD AND PLACE IT ON A
STAKE SO THAT ALL MAY SEE!
AND SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT

STAKE SO THAT ALL MAY SEE!
AND SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT
CIVIL LIBERTIES ARE AT AN END

AND SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT
CIVIL LIBERTIES ARE AT AN END
HERE AS A POWER-MAD MONARCH

CIVIL LIBERTIES ARE AT AN END
HERE AS A POWER-MAD MONARCH
MUZZLES THE FREE PRESS AND IN

HERE AS A POWER-MAD MONARCH
MUZZLES THE FREE PRESS AND IN
DEFIANCE OF ALL INTERNATIONAL

MUZZLES THE FREE PRESS AND IN
DEFIANCE OF ALL INTERNATIONAL
LAW HAS EVEN GONE SO FAR AS TO

DEFIANCE OF ALL INTERNATIONAL
LAW HAS EVEN GONE SO FAR AS TO
THREATEN ONE FOREIGN

LAW HAS EVEN GONE SO FAR AS TO
THREATEN ONE FOREIGN
CORRESPONDENT WITH DEATH.

THREATEN ONE FOREIGN
CORRESPONDENT WITH DEATH.
THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN,

CORRESPONDENT WITH DEATH.
THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN,
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDEAST.

THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN,
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDEAST.
[APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING, THIS IS
GARRETT MORRIS, AND WELCOME TO
"BLACK PERSPECTIVE."

GARRETT MORRIS, AND WELCOME TO
"BLACK PERSPECTIVE."
MY GUEST THIS EVENING IS A

"BLACK PERSPECTIVE."
MY GUEST THIS EVENING IS A
DISTINGUISHED AUTHORESS WHO HAS

MY GUEST THIS EVENING IS A
DISTINGUISHED AUTHORESS WHO HAS
WRITTEN SUCH SCATHING NOVELS AS

DISTINGUISHED AUTHORESS WHO HAS
WRITTEN SUCH SCATHING NOVELS AS
"SHARECROPPER '75" AND

WRITTEN SUCH SCATHING NOVELS AS
"SHARECROPPER '75" AND
"CHARCOAL CITY."

"SHARECROPPER '75" AND
"CHARCOAL CITY."
SHE WAS A SCRIPT CONSULTANT ON

"CHARCOAL CITY."
SHE WAS A SCRIPT CONSULTANT ON
THE FILM "SOUNDER" AND HAS GIVEN

SHE WAS A SCRIPT CONSULTANT ON
THE FILM "SOUNDER" AND HAS GIVEN
MANY OF US A MOST ENRICHING

THE FILM "SOUNDER" AND HAS GIVEN
MANY OF US A MOST ENRICHING
INSIGHT INTO THE URBAN BLACK

MANY OF US A MOST ENRICHING
INSIGHT INTO THE URBAN BLACK
EXPERIENCE.

INSIGHT INTO THE URBAN BLACK
EXPERIENCE.
MISS JANE CURTIN.

EXPERIENCE.
MISS JANE CURTIN.
WELCOME, SOUL SISTER CURTIN.

MISS JANE CURTIN.
WELCOME, SOUL SISTER CURTIN.
I HAVE NEVER MET YOU, BUT I'M A

WELCOME, SOUL SISTER CURTIN.
I HAVE NEVER MET YOU, BUT I'M A
BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK.

I HAVE NEVER MET YOU, BUT I'M A
BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
JANE, IF I MAY CALL YOU THAT,

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
JANE, IF I MAY CALL YOU THAT,
YOUR WRITING SUGGESTS A LINEAGE,

JANE, IF I MAY CALL YOU THAT,
YOUR WRITING SUGGESTS A LINEAGE,
A BACKGROUND STEEPED IN THE

YOUR WRITING SUGGESTS A LINEAGE,
A BACKGROUND STEEPED IN THE
TRADITIONS OF THE SHARECROPPERS

A BACKGROUND STEEPED IN THE
TRADITIONS OF THE SHARECROPPERS
OF THE '30s WHO ULTIMATELY

TRADITIONS OF THE SHARECROPPERS
OF THE '30s WHO ULTIMATELY
MIGRATED TO THE LARGE CITIES.

OF THE '30s WHO ULTIMATELY
MIGRATED TO THE LARGE CITIES.
WHERE WERE YOU RAISED AS A

MIGRATED TO THE LARGE CITIES.
WHERE WERE YOU RAISED AS A
LITTLE GIRL?

WHERE WERE YOU RAISED AS A
LITTLE GIRL?
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

LITTLE GIRL?
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
GARRETT, I WAS RAISED IN THE

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
GARRETT, I WAS RAISED IN THE
NORTH... NEW YORK CITY TO BE

GARRETT, I WAS RAISED IN THE
NORTH... NEW YORK CITY TO BE
EXACT.

NORTH... NEW YORK CITY TO BE
EXACT.
AH, I SUPPOSE, THEN, THAT

EXACT.
AH, I SUPPOSE, THEN, THAT
GROWING UP IN HARLEM GAVE YOU

AH, I SUPPOSE, THEN, THAT
GROWING UP IN HARLEM GAVE YOU
THIS ANIMAL ALERTNESS, THIS

GROWING UP IN HARLEM GAVE YOU
THIS ANIMAL ALERTNESS, THIS
STREET SENSE THAT SEEMS TO

THIS ANIMAL ALERTNESS, THIS
STREET SENSE THAT SEEMS TO
PERMEATE THE CORE OF YOUR WORK.

STREET SENSE THAT SEEMS TO
PERMEATE THE CORE OF YOUR WORK.
NOT EXACTLY, GARRETT.

PERMEATE THE CORE OF YOUR WORK.
NOT EXACTLY, GARRETT.
I GREW UP IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN,

NOT EXACTLY, GARRETT.
I GREW UP IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN,
NOT FAR FROM THIS STUDIO HERE...

I GREW UP IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN,
NOT FAR FROM THIS STUDIO HERE...
MADISON AND 63rd.

NOT FAR FROM THIS STUDIO HERE...
MADISON AND 63rd.
BUT I DO FEEL THAT THE

MADISON AND 63rd.
BUT I DO FEEL THAT THE
CONSCIENCE OF MY WRITING HAS

BUT I DO FEEL THAT THE
CONSCIENCE OF MY WRITING HAS
BEEN STRONGLY INFLUENCED BY THE

CONSCIENCE OF MY WRITING HAS
BEEN STRONGLY INFLUENCED BY THE
PLIGHT OF MY BROTHERS AND

BEEN STRONGLY INFLUENCED BY THE
PLIGHT OF MY BROTHERS AND
SISTERS IN THE GHETTO AREAS YOU

PLIGHT OF MY BROTHERS AND
SISTERS IN THE GHETTO AREAS YOU
SPEAK OF.

SISTERS IN THE GHETTO AREAS YOU
SPEAK OF.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT IN

SPEAK OF.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT IN
RELATIONSHIP TO THIS, I THINK,

BUT MOST IMPORTANT IN
RELATIONSHIP TO THIS, I THINK,
IS THAT IF YOU ARE ONE OF US,

RELATIONSHIP TO THIS, I THINK,
IS THAT IF YOU ARE ONE OF US,
YOU CAN SPEAK AND FEEL FOR ALL

IS THAT IF YOU ARE ONE OF US,
YOU CAN SPEAK AND FEEL FOR ALL
OF US, NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME

YOU CAN SPEAK AND FEEL FOR ALL
OF US, NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME
FROM.

OF US, NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME
FROM.
RIGHT ON.

FROM.
RIGHT ON.
JANE, I'M SURE THAT YOU AND I

RIGHT ON.
JANE, I'M SURE THAT YOU AND I
AGREE ON THIS, BUT FOR THE SAKE

JANE, I'M SURE THAT YOU AND I
AGREE ON THIS, BUT FOR THE SAKE
OF OUR VIEWERS, I'M GOING TO ASK

AGREE ON THIS, BUT FOR THE SAKE
OF OUR VIEWERS, I'M GOING TO ASK
YOU ANYWAY.

OF OUR VIEWERS, I'M GOING TO ASK
YOU ANYWAY.
WHICH DO YOU PREFER... "BLACK,"

YOU ANYWAY.
WHICH DO YOU PREFER... "BLACK,"
"AFRO-AMERICAN," "NEGRO"...

WHICH DO YOU PREFER... "BLACK,"
"AFRO-AMERICAN," "NEGRO"...
I PREFER SIMPLY

"AFRO-AMERICAN," "NEGRO"...
I PREFER SIMPLY
"JUNGLE BUNNY."

I PREFER SIMPLY
"JUNGLE BUNNY."
[LAUGHS] NO!

"JUNGLE BUNNY."
[LAUGHS] NO!
[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS] NO!
[LAUGHTER]
"BLACK" IS FINE, GARRETT.

[LAUGHTER]
"BLACK" IS FINE, GARRETT.
"BLACK" IS FINE.

"BLACK" IS FINE, GARRETT.
"BLACK" IS FINE.
[LAUGHS]

"BLACK" IS FINE.
[LAUGHS]
ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR YOUNG BLACK

[LAUGHS]
ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR YOUNG BLACK
WRITERS?

ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR YOUNG BLACK
WRITERS?
WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, WRITE

WRITERS?
WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, WRITE
WHAT YOU FEEL, WRITE THE TRUTH.

WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, WRITE
WHAT YOU FEEL, WRITE THE TRUTH.
I'M HOLDING HERE... I'M

WHAT YOU FEEL, WRITE THE TRUTH.
I'M HOLDING HERE... I'M
HOLDING HERE A COPY OF YOUR

I'M HOLDING HERE... I'M
HOLDING HERE A COPY OF YOUR
NEWEST BOOK, "SHADOWS," AND

HOLDING HERE A COPY OF YOUR
NEWEST BOOK, "SHADOWS," AND
THERE IS NO DENYING THAT, IN

NEWEST BOOK, "SHADOWS," AND
THERE IS NO DENYING THAT, IN
PERSON, YOU LOOK NOTHING AT ALL

THERE IS NO DENYING THAT, IN
PERSON, YOU LOOK NOTHING AT ALL
LIKE YOUR PICTURE.

PERSON, YOU LOOK NOTHING AT ALL
LIKE YOUR PICTURE.
I'M SURE THAT YOU MUST HEAR THIS

LIKE YOUR PICTURE.
I'M SURE THAT YOU MUST HEAR THIS
A LOT.

I'M SURE THAT YOU MUST HEAR THIS
A LOT.
YES, I DO. QUITE FREQUENTLY.

A LOT.
YES, I DO. QUITE FREQUENTLY.
BUT I MUST BE HONEST, I DON'T

YES, I DO. QUITE FREQUENTLY.
BUT I MUST BE HONEST, I DON'T
PHOTOGRAPH WELL AT ALL.

BUT I MUST BE HONEST, I DON'T
PHOTOGRAPH WELL AT ALL.
WELL, THANK YOU, JANE CURTIN,

PHOTOGRAPH WELL AT ALL.
WELL, THANK YOU, JANE CURTIN,
FOR BEING WITH US HERE ON

WELL, THANK YOU, JANE CURTIN,
FOR BEING WITH US HERE ON
"BLACK PERSPECTIVE."

FOR BEING WITH US HERE ON
"BLACK PERSPECTIVE."
BE WITH US NEXT WEEK WHEN OUR

"BLACK PERSPECTIVE."
BE WITH US NEXT WEEK WHEN OUR
GUEST WILL BE ANDRé PREVIN.

BE WITH US NEXT WEEK WHEN OUR
GUEST WILL BE ANDRé PREVIN.
[APPLAUSE]

HEY, I'M PLAYING AT A
DISADVANTAGE.
I'M REALLY BETTER FROM THE LEFT

DISADVANTAGE.
I'M REALLY BETTER FROM THE LEFT
SIDE.

I'M REALLY BETTER FROM THE LEFT
SIDE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID

SIDE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID
YESTERDAY WHEN I WON, REMEMBER?

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID
YESTERDAY WHEN I WON, REMEMBER?
YOU WERE PLAYING ON THE LEFT

YESTERDAY WHEN I WON, REMEMBER?
YOU WERE PLAYING ON THE LEFT
SIDE.

YOU WERE PLAYING ON THE LEFT
SIDE.
OKAY, KEEP IT DOWN.

SIDE.
OKAY, KEEP IT DOWN.
NOT EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW ABOUT

OKAY, KEEP IT DOWN.
NOT EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW ABOUT
IT, OKAY?

NOT EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW ABOUT
IT, OKAY?
YOU GOT ANYTHING...

IT, OKAY?
YOU GOT ANYTHING...
NICE SHOT.

YOU GOT ANYTHING...
NICE SHOT.
RIGHT IN THE HOLE.

NICE SHOT.
RIGHT IN THE HOLE.
GOT ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE

RIGHT IN THE HOLE.
GOT ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE
THANKSGIVING WEEKEND?

GOT ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE
THANKSGIVING WEEKEND?
NAH.

THANKSGIVING WEEKEND?
NAH.
I'M GOING HOME.

NAH.
I'M GOING HOME.
I'M, UH...

I'M GOING HOME.
I'M, UH...
I'M TAKING CAROL WITH ME.

I'M, UH...
I'M TAKING CAROL WITH ME.
THINGS GETTING PRETTY HEAVY

I'M TAKING CAROL WITH ME.
THINGS GETTING PRETTY HEAVY
BE... BETWEEN YOU AND CAROL?

THINGS GETTING PRETTY HEAVY
BE... BETWEEN YOU AND CAROL?
I GUESS SO.

BE... BETWEEN YOU AND CAROL?
I GUESS SO.
BOY, MY PARENTS HAVEN'T MET HER

I GUESS SO.
BOY, MY PARENTS HAVEN'T MET HER
YET, AND I'M BRINGING HER THERE,

BOY, MY PARENTS HAVEN'T MET HER
YET, AND I'M BRINGING HER THERE,
YOU KNOW?

YET, AND I'M BRINGING HER THERE,
YOU KNOW?
WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER ALL

YOU KNOW?
WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER ALL
SEMESTER.

WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER ALL
SEMESTER.
YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT?

SEMESTER.
YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT?
NO WAY, MAN.

YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT?
NO WAY, MAN.
THEY'RE REALLY PRUDES,

NO WAY, MAN.
THEY'RE REALLY PRUDES,
ESPECIALLY MY FATHER.

THEY'RE REALLY PRUDES,
ESPECIALLY MY FATHER.
HE... HE'D THINK CAROL WAS SOME

ESPECIALLY MY FATHER.
HE... HE'D THINK CAROL WAS SOME
KIND OF HOOKER OR SOMETHING.

HE... HE'D THINK CAROL WAS SOME
KIND OF HOOKER OR SOMETHING.
NICE SHOT THERE.

KIND OF HOOKER OR SOMETHING.
NICE SHOT THERE.
WELL, WHERE IS SHE GONNA...

NICE SHOT THERE.
WELL, WHERE IS SHE GONNA...
WHERE IS SHE GONNA SLEEP?

WELL, WHERE IS SHE GONNA...
WHERE IS SHE GONNA SLEEP?
WHAT... WHAT'D YOU SAY?

WHERE IS SHE GONNA SLEEP?
WHAT... WHAT'D YOU SAY?
CAROL... WHERE'S SHE GONNA

WHAT... WHAT'D YOU SAY?
CAROL... WHERE'S SHE GONNA
SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE AT YOUR

CAROL... WHERE'S SHE GONNA
SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE AT YOUR
PARENTS' HOUSE?

SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE AT YOUR
PARENTS' HOUSE?
OH, I... I DON'T KNOW.

PARENTS' HOUSE?
OH, I... I DON'T KNOW.
THE GUEST ROOM, PROBABLY.

OH, I... I DON'T KNOW.
THE GUEST ROOM, PROBABLY.
GUEST ROOM?

THE GUEST ROOM, PROBABLY.
GUEST ROOM?
I WOULDN'T STAND FOR THAT.

GUEST ROOM?
I WOULDN'T STAND FOR THAT.
WELL, WHAT CAN I DO?

I WOULDN'T STAND FOR THAT.
WELL, WHAT CAN I DO?
WELL, YOU COULD SAY, "LOOK,

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO?
WELL, YOU COULD SAY, "LOOK,
CAROL AND I ARE TWO MATURE

WELL, YOU COULD SAY, "LOOK,
CAROL AND I ARE TWO MATURE
ADULTS, AND WE FEEL"...

CAROL AND I ARE TWO MATURE
ADULTS, AND WE FEEL"...
NICE SHOT.

ADULTS, AND WE FEEL"...
NICE SHOT.
"VERY STRONGLY ABOUT EACH OTHER,

NICE SHOT.
"VERY STRONGLY ABOUT EACH OTHER,
AND WE JUST WANT TO BE ALONE

"VERY STRONGLY ABOUT EACH OTHER,
AND WE JUST WANT TO BE ALONE
TOGETHER, THAT'S ALL."

AND WE JUST WANT TO BE ALONE
TOGETHER, THAT'S ALL."
I COULDN'T SAY THAT TO MY

TOGETHER, THAT'S ALL."
I COULDN'T SAY THAT TO MY
PARENTS.

I COULDN'T SAY THAT TO MY
PARENTS.
YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.

PARENTS.
YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
MAKE A STAND SOMETIME.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
MAKE A STAND SOMETIME.
WELL, UH... SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE

MAKE A STAND SOMETIME.
WELL, UH... SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE
BEEN THROUGH THIS YOURSELF.

WELL, UH... SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE
BEEN THROUGH THIS YOURSELF.
SURE.

BEEN THROUGH THIS YOURSELF.
SURE.
JUST ABOUT EVERY GUY HAS.

SURE.
JUST ABOUT EVERY GUY HAS.
WELL, HOW'D IT GO?

JUST ABOUT EVERY GUY HAS.
WELL, HOW'D IT GO?
I MEAN, WEREN'T YOU SCARED?

WELL, HOW'D IT GO?
I MEAN, WEREN'T YOU SCARED?
NO. YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE A

I MEAN, WEREN'T YOU SCARED?
NO. YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE A
STAND, THAT'S ALL.

NO. YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE A
STAND, THAT'S ALL.
IT'S NOT EASY.

STAND, THAT'S ALL.
IT'S NOT EASY.
YEAH, WELL, UH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S NOT EASY.
YEAH, WELL, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I-I COULDN'T SAY IT TO MY

YEAH, WELL, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I-I COULDN'T SAY IT TO MY
PARENTS.

I-I COULDN'T SAY IT TO MY
PARENTS.
WHEN DID YOU DO THIS?

PARENTS.
WHEN DID YOU DO THIS?
LAST THANKSGIVING, WHEN CAROL

WHEN DID YOU DO THIS?
LAST THANKSGIVING, WHEN CAROL
SLEPT OVER AT MY HOUSE.

LAST THANKSGIVING, WHEN CAROL
SLEPT OVER AT MY HOUSE.
SAY THAT AGAIN.

SLEPT OVER AT MY HOUSE.
SAY THAT AGAIN.
NEVER MIND, BOZO.

SAY THAT AGAIN.
NEVER MIND, BOZO.
I JUST SWEPT THE SERIES.

NEVER MIND, BOZO.
I JUST SWEPT THE SERIES.
[APPLAUSE]

I JUST SWEPT THE SERIES.
[APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO "I CAN STAND

[APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO "I CAN STAND
A LITTLE RAIN" PLAYS]

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪
♪ BUT WHEN THE RAIN COMES UP

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪
♪ BUT WHEN THE RAIN COMES UP
THROUGH THE FLOORBOARDS ♪

♪ BUT WHEN THE RAIN COMES UP
THROUGH THE FLOORBOARDS ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE REST ♪

♪ MM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM ♪
♪ AND I CAN STAND A LITTLE
SORROW ♪

♪ AND I CAN STAND A LITTLE
SORROW ♪
♪ I CAN STAND IT UNTIL

SORROW ♪
♪ I CAN STAND IT UNTIL
TOMORROW ♪

♪ I CAN STAND IT UNTIL
TOMORROW ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE STRIFE ♪

TOMORROW ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE STRIFE ♪
♪ OH, IT'S JUST ANOTHER TASTE OF

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE STRIFE ♪
♪ OH, IT'S JUST ANOTHER TASTE OF
LIFE ♪

♪ OH, IT'S JUST ANOTHER TASTE OF
LIFE ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE LOVE ♪

LIFE ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE LOVE ♪
♪ I SAID I CAN STAND A LITTLE

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE LOVE ♪
♪ I SAID I CAN STAND A LITTLE
LOVE ♪

♪ I SAID I CAN STAND A LITTLE
LOVE ♪
♪ OH, LORDY ♪

LOVE ♪
♪ OH, LORDY ♪
♪ AND WHEN I'M ON MY LAST

♪ OH, LORDY ♪
♪ AND WHEN I'M ON MY LAST
GO-ROUND ♪

♪ AND WHEN I'M ON MY LAST
GO-ROUND ♪
♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE REST ♪

♪ WELL, I MADE IT ♪
♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YES ♪
♪ AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT, YEAH ♪

♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YES ♪
♪ AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, MY LORD, I'M GONNA MAKE IT

♪ AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, MY LORD, I'M GONNA MAKE IT
SOME MORE, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, MY LORD, I'M GONNA MAKE IT
SOME MORE, YEAH ♪
♪ LET ME SPEAK ON IT FOR A

SOME MORE, YEAH ♪
♪ LET ME SPEAK ON IT FOR A
MINUTE, YEAH ♪

♪ LET ME SPEAK ON IT FOR A
MINUTE, YEAH ♪
♪ AND ALL I NEED IS A WEE BIT OF

MINUTE, YEAH ♪
♪ AND ALL I NEED IS A WEE BIT OF
LOVIN' ♪

♪ AND ALL I NEED IS A WEE BIT OF
LOVIN' ♪
♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON

LOVIN' ♪
♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON
A-TRUCKIN' AND A-STEPPIN' AND

♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON
A-TRUCKIN' AND A-STEPPIN' AND
A-STEPPIN' AND A-STEPPIN' ♪

A-TRUCKIN' AND A-STEPPIN' AND
A-STEPPIN' AND A-STEPPIN' ♪
♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOME MORE,

A-STEPPIN' AND A-STEPPIN' ♪
♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOME MORE,
YEAH ♪

♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOME MORE,
YEAH ♪
♪ WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,

YEAH ♪
♪ WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
WELL ♪

♪ WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
WELL ♪
♪ I SAID, HEY, I MADE IT ♪

WELL ♪
♪ I SAID, HEY, I MADE IT ♪
♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YEAH ♪

♪ I SAID, HEY, I MADE IT ♪
♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YEAH ♪
♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON MAKIN'

♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YEAH ♪
♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON MAKIN'
IT SOME MORE ♪

♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON MAKIN'
IT SOME MORE ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT.
OH!
OH!

OH!
OH!
[LAUGHS]

OH!
[LAUGHS]
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE MUPPETS ARE

FRANK OZ, JERRY NELSON,

FRAN BRILL, ALICE TWEEDY,

RICHARD HUNT, AND JIM HENSON.

THE OTHER SEGMENT CONCEIVED BY

ROB REINER AND CARL GOTTLIEB.

THE HAMLET PIECE CONCEIVED AND

WRITTEN BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.