Santa Clarita Diet (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
Please. I'm just a farmer.
I have done nothing.
Is he well restrained?
Yes, Colonel.
Did you double check?
Yes, Colonel.
I've been searching for you for so long.
You look so human.
Please... I have a family.
Then we have something in common.
The only difference is you'll
never see yours again.
Did you clean these?
I'm kidding.
I beg you.
Don't hurt me.
We both know you can't be hurt.
What happens now?
What are you going to do to me?
No blood.
I found one!
I'm not a monster.
Please don't kill me.
I wouldn't dream of killing you.
We're going to spend years
in this lab together.
Vlado?
Yes, Colonel?
You didn't check the restraints, did you?
I could check them now.
Yes?
I know.
I wanted to kill Vlado weeks ago.
Different Vlado.
But...
But I'll find another undead.
Transfer?
You don't need to transfer...
I understand.
Where the fuck is Santa Clarita?
? Our house, in the
middle of our street ?
? Our house, in the middle of our ?
? Our house, it has a crowd ?
? There's always something happening ?
? And it's usually quite loud ?
? Our mum she's so house-proud ?
? Nothing ever slows her down
and a mess is not allowed ?
? Our house, in the
middle of our street ?
? Our house, in the
middle of our street ?
? Our house, in the
middle of our street ?
? Our house, in the middle of our ?
Good morning, Mr. Ball Legs.
Sorry we almost left town
without you yesterday.
Things got a little crazy and...
we completely forgot.
Don't look at me that way.
I got you a present.
It's a spider with a top hat.
The Broadway version of you.
What's going on, Mr. Ball Legs?
You barely touched your earlobes.
Aren't you hungry?
I'm starving.
So, you drove Gary's head out into
the desert and didn't kill him?
Yeah, all good. He's
back in the basement.
Okay, and now... Anne
thinks Mom is a God?
Not exactly.
She believes your mother was chosen
by God to do his work on Earth
by killing evil doers.
And then eating them.
She doesn't know about that part.
Anyway... we just wanted to loop
you in, in case it comes up.
Oh, so we're looping Abby in now?
Because when you guys were going on
the run and ditching me in Phoenix
with Aunt Cathy, looping me in
about my whole goddamn future
didn't seem like a priority.
You still mad about that?
It was yesterday!
The important thing is...
we didn't ditch you.
You're welcome.
And no one's on the run.
Things are good. Life's
getting back to normal.
Ramona's mutant spider ball is sick
and the Nazi meat rotted.
You're the one who wanted
to keep living with us.
I just feel bad for Mr. Ball Legs.
He stopped eating.
It eats?
I think that's what he's doing.
He just sort of scoots back over
the food and then... it's gone.
Also...
since I emptied out our freezer
when we went out on the run...
I'm out of food.
Well, just run down to the market and...
kill somebody.
We'll figure this out.
Look how bad things
seemed for us yesterday.
We were about to lose everything.
Today, we just have to kill a Nazi.
And, lucky for us...
now there are more of them than ever.
Everything is going to be just fine.
Why do you have to say things like that?
There's no one there.
Who are the Knights?
I have no idea.
Fuck me.
According to Google Translate...
this says there was
a group of medieval men
called the Knights of Serbia, who
were tasked with killing the undead.
Of course they were all men.
Yes. If we could just go back in time
and channelize that gender's
hostility to anything different...
I'm just saying.
Do you think that there
are modern-day Knights?
I don't know.
If their duty is to stop the
virus from spreading...
they may be the ones that
blew up Ruby's clam farm.
And they may also be looking for me.
- Is your stomach growling?
- I'm hungry.
Okay.
You track down another Nazi.
I need to find out if this
Knights of Serbia thing is real.
And see who put this knife
in our door because...
that's curious.
Yeah.
Oh! I invited Anne over later to talk
about our miracle in the desert.
I could ask for her help.
I think we should limit
Anne in our lives.
If she realizes that we're killing
people for food and not for God...
she might not like us anymore.
On the other hand,
the Bible says, "If God giveth
you a minion, use her."
It also says, "Please,
baby, don't involve Anne.
You're gonna get us all killed."
You know what would be funny?
Is if misquoting the Bible was
the thing we went to hell for.
Hey, dude.
Brought the night vision goggles.
Put it back in your mom's closet.
We'll do it later.
She still home. Have you seen this?
It's everywhere.
It says the fracking company
is pausing their operation until they
find out more about what happened.
That's so cool.
It's pretty fucking cool.
We did that.
- What?
- Nothing.
Just nice to see you this happy.
- Aren't you happy?
- I'm very happy.
Last night was amazing.
You were amazing.
Oh, shucks. So were you.
Were you scared?
A little.
The whole thing was perfect
and you are a fucking master.
Please. I mean, you did more
than your share of the work.
I didn't know something
could explode like that.
Was it too much? It was too much.
It nearly knocked me out of my shoes.
You said go big.
Oh, my God!
You guys did it.
What? I just heard you.
You had sex!
Oh! Oh, I feel like you
maybe misinterpreted.
Then what were you talking about?
Okay.
- You caught us. We had sex.
- It was lovely and I am proud.
Really? It went well?
You're kidding me? This guy... Look out.
I won't be denied.
Unless my partner puts out any signal
that this is not what she wants
and then I will absolutely
stop and call an Uber
or another ride-sharing app
that treats women better.
I am so excited!
Oh, my little baby.
My little baby boy.
And you take care of her needs, right?
Otherwise, you're just
a monkey in a jungle.
We're a family without boundaries.
How cool is that?
It's all so incredible.
Why do you think God chose
you to do His work?
I don't know. I mean,
he's a great guy, but...
not much of an explainer.
How's the fruit salad?
It's good, thank you.
Anne, you have to stop testing me.
I'm sorry.
You scratched the table.
That was there before.
No, it wasn't.
I know. I'm sorry I doubted you.
And I lied about the table. No
wonder God didn't choose me
- to do His work.
- Don't be like that.
He loves you. Just don't fuck with Him.
You didn't say anything to Lisa, right?
- No, I swear.
- Good.
Don't tell anybody.
But I want to spread the word!
You rose from the dead.
You can grant eternal life.
People should know.
I disagree. People get weird.
You only found out last night and
you've already shot me twice
and stabbed me with a fork.
Well... can I at least
help you do His work?
I've always wanted to serve God
in a bigger way and now...
through you, I can.
No, thank you.
Sheila, please don't turn me away.
Well, there is one tiny
thing you could do.
I'm trying to smite this Nazi.
- Could you get his address?
- Done.
And... a fingerprint
off this knife, with no questions asked?
- Okay.
- And while you're out...
we could use some dish soap and
string cheese. I have a list.
Whatever you need.
Sheila...
You may not know why this happened but...
it happened for a reason.
- You think so?
- I'm sure of it.
You have a greater purpose.
You just don't know what it is yet.
But one day, you will.
So, Janko, tell me this.
Would you rather have all
your teeth taken out
or keep them all but
file them into points?
- Points.
- I agree.
Would you rather be attacked
by two 15-year-olds...
or 15 two-year-olds?
Hello. I'm Roy Eastman.
One moment. And the two-year-olds...
have a dog.
Dog for me is a non-issue
because I'm good with the dogs.
Although it may make the
two-year-olds braver.
Janko. Vlado.
Can't you see a man has walked in?
How may I help you?
Yes.
I'm a medieval scholar
at the local university.
Recently, I've been made aware of an
ancient order that may still exist
called "The Knights of Serbia."
We know of no such thing.
I believe they were formed
hundreds of years ago
after an outbreak of a deadly virus
in the town of Pozica.
Have any of you heard of Pozica?
- No.
- I don't know.
No.
My name is Dobrivoje Poplovic.
I'm sorry, I... didn't get your name.
Roy. Roy...
Kodak?
I thought you said the Roy Eastman?
Yeah.
Roy Eastman...
Kodak.
Well, over the years...
people with wild imaginations have
made up stories about our country.
Fantasies about outbreaks, viruses,
people going mad, killing each other.
I can assure you, these
things have never happened.
There are no Knights of Serbia.
And if this Pozica exists, it's
a town of no significance.
Now...
if you'll excuse us,
this week is the Guca...
Trumpet Festival, so we're all very busy.
I didn't realize Guca was this week.
I'm kidding, I've never heard of it.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Did any of you put a knife
in my door this morning?
Of course not. Trumpet
Festival is time of peace.
A clam farm is blown up...
someone was looking for Serbian bile
and now this man comes in.
- I don't think he was medieval scholar.
- No.
You don't lock a face like
that up in a library.
Perhaps there is an undead
subject in Santa Clarita.
And if so, we need to find
it before those meddlesome
Knights of Serbia kill it.
I need it alive.
And I need to find out more about this...
Roy... Eastman Kodak.
Those people at the Consulate?
They're obviously hiding something.
That Poplovic guy? He's
like a hotel bellman
you find out has been dead
for 200 years... Jogger.
I wish we could have lured this Nazi to
the kill room, like we did with Boone.
I told you. He said his schedule
was too tight this week.
I can't believe he's that busy.
I was surprised too, and then I
thought if we also stereotype people
by assuming Nazis are always available,
are we that much better than them?
Yes. It's just...
We bought all the plastic,
we're renting the unit.
It's such a waste if we're
not going to use it.
Do you ever wonder why
this happened to me?
Just to close out my thing...
maybe we should cancel Showtime and
switch to a cheaper toilet paper.
Now, what were you saying?
I was talking to Anne this
morning, and full disclosure,
she helped me track down
this Nazi gentleman.
I thought you tracked him down.
I did. By asking her to do it.
She's also gonna help us get
a print off that knife.
Honey, I thought we agreed you weren't
going to ask for Anne's help.
Well, it was really important
to her and she could be useful.
She's a smart cop. She caught us.
The more we bring another
person into our lives...
the more dangerous our
lives are going to get.
Or maybe she could bring
clarity to our lives.
She thinks that God has a
higher purpose for me.
I don't think anything good
will come from you believing
you're a gift from God.
That came out wrong.
You, my love, are a gift from...
I know. And so are you,
and everyone else.
I'm not saying I'm more
special than anyone else,
or doing God's work,
but maybe, my life does
have a greater purpose.
Something more than just killing people.
Oh, my God. He's muscular.
He's like a walking protein shake.
I'm complicated.
I wanna be about more
than just eating people
but I also really enjoy eating people.
Fuck.
And what if Anne becomes
disgruntled and turns on us?
Or, going the other way, starts baptizing
believers into the Church of Sheila?
Not bad for a girl from the valley.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Larry Tragger?
- Yeah.
We're Jenny and Charles Darwin.
We spoke on the phone about
the German memorabilia?
Oh, The Nazi People!
The Nazi People. That's
the name of our company.
Come on in, Darwins.
Because these items are so valuable,
before we take them out...
our insurance company
requires us to ask...
Is there anybody else home?
- Just me.
- Excellent.
Do you have any rooms with
a linoleum or tile floor?
- Why?
- Oh, we have some very valuable things
and we don't want them to
get lost in your carpet.
- Seems a little paranoid.
- Look, Larry...
We've got a Reichsluftschutzbund
first pattern droop wing buckle
and an SS-sponsored
Grenadier Regiment Drei
Deutschland officer's cuff title.
We're not gonna fuck around
with your unworkable carpet.
Okay.
I wanted to put linoleum in my kitchen
but my Indian landlord
wouldn't pay for it.
Those people are the
Jews of Southeast Asia.
And let me tell you something
else about the Jews...
- We'll just do it here.
- Great.
Lay it all out. I gotta
use the powder room.
Okay.
Oh, my God!
I am so hot for you right now.
The way you took command
with that flawless German.
Where did you learn that?
I figured if we were gonna be running
with Nazis, I should do some homework.
See?
We don't need Anne.
You and me, we're the team. We got this.
It's me. They're here.
The people who killed Boone, dumbass.
You guys get to my house, I'll
make sure they don't leave.
I love night vision goggles.
They take the guesswork out of crime.
Do you remember where they go?
- We should put them back exactly the same.
- I don't remember.
- Shit.
- But I did take a picture.
Genius.
Damn.
That's it. Done.
Can it really be this easy to
get away with blowing shit up?
I sort of hope not. I mean, better
for us, but not cool, generally.
Oh!
Hey, guys.
- What are you doing?
- We're just looking for you.
Oh, what's up?
Nothing. What is up with you?
Nothing.
Lisa said you two were out in the
desert pretty late last night.
So you guys are together now?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You see anything odd out there?
- No. Did you?
- No. Did you?
- No. Did you?
- Yeah.
There was a huge explosion.
And a fireball. Lit up the whole sky.
Was there, really?
Wow. Yeah, we are just pretty focused
on each other. Isn't that right, Abby?
Yeah, our faces were like this.
So we didn't see a whole lot.
No.
I was just focused on you...
Sweet Stuff.
And I, you... Buttercup.
It's new. We don't have fun
pet names for each other yet.
I'm gonna go. I'll see you both later.
Ah, loud. Love it, though.
I'm also going to leave.
Okay.
Okay, let's get him on the tarp.
Boom bam bing, and I'll be
banging you before Fallon.
We are a good team and I'm gonna
bang you before and after Fallon.
Alright.
What do you got?
Oh, lots of good stuff. Come
on over here and take a look.
I'm fine where I am.
The light's better over here.
I can see.
You like power bars?
That's for you.
I'm not getting on your fucking tarp.
In fact, we're all going to
stay right where we are.
Whoa... Larry!
Some of my buddies have gone missing.
A.J., Boone, Kevin. You
know anything about that?
- Larry, put the gun down.
- Or at least point it at me.
It's very sexist that you're
only pointing it at...
Roy.
No, that was this morning. Fuck me.
My buddies are on their way over. We're
gonna drive you out to the desert,
torture you, and then make you look at
each other while we shoot you in the head.
Please, don't sugar coat it.
Stay right where you are.
I'm getting hysterical and
I need to be next to Roy.
No, it's not Roy.
Honey, why don't you just go
lie down behind the couch?
- Oh, man. It will be so embarrassing.
- No whispering.
If he shoots you, you'll die.
If he shoots me, I'm fine.
Such a weak move.
What are you doing? Get back here. Hey!
Oh, shut up. You think I like this?
What the fuck?
Get out from there!
And you stop right where you are.
I will shoot you, I swear.
My husband's not looking and...
you have such a strong physique.
Let's party.
Do you mind if I lick your gun
so that I can demonstrate
an unhealthy male fantasy of a...
sexually dangerous woman?
What?
Honey, we gotta get out of
here before his friends show...
Larry! Larry!
You boys go around back.
- I love avocado.
- It's my favorite sandwich topping.
- It's so goddamn buttery.
- You bet.
I feel like we're on first date.
I know. What's happening?
We're getting awkward with each other.
- I don't want that.
- Me neither.
Faking a physical relationship...
- It's so weird.
- So weird.
It's just hard to pretend
that I'm into it...
That I'm not into it.
Did it just get more awkward?
Should I take my sandwich to go?
Okay, listen. You know I
really care about you, right?
Like, more than anyone.
Now it sounds like we're breaking up.
- I know!
- Why don't we
pretend to just be like
one of those couples
that doesn't do public
displays of affection?
Sure. We like each other.
We just don't feel the need
to touch all the time.
Yeah.
Hey, lovebirds.
Just dropping off a couple
of things for our Sheila.
She thinks my mom's a God.
I'll explain later.
- Cool.
- So, Anne...
You asked us about last night,
but we didn't ask you.
Does the Sheriff's Department
have any theories?
About what took you two so
long to finally hook up?
But no, our investigation into the
fracking site is already over.
Really?
So soon.
- Yep.
- So they...
Or it could be just one person.
I don't know, I wasn't there...
- just get away with it?
- Oh, no. They won't get away with it.
It's been labeled as eco-terrorism.
So that means the FBI's coming in.
The FBI?
Oh, yeah, they have unlimited resources
and they take terrorism very seriously.
Trust me, the FBI is going
to find who did this
and they're going to send
them away for a long time.
Look at you two, holding hands.
You guys are so sweet.
Hey, open the door!
Hey, asshole!
Open the door!
There's three at the back
door and two on the side.
- What's should...
- Call Anne! Call Anne!
I don't know, honey. You made
such a compelling argument.
Maybe we shouldn't involve
her in our thing.
Our thing is gonna be watching each
other get shot in the head. Call her!
But what if one day she becomes
disgruntled and turns on us?
- I'll take the chance.
- But years from now,
she could be a problem.
Better play it safe.
What are you do...
The cops are here, man! Let's go!
Oh, you were fucking
with me. Well played.
I texted her 20 minutes ago.
I knew you'd come around.
So I guess Anne is going
to be your disciple.
She can scare off bad guys
and help you find your purpose
while I'm... hiding behind furniture.
It's not gonna be like that.
And this purpose thing is just
something I'm thinking about.
- I don't even know if it's real.
- Sweetheart.
If you want to search for more
meaning in your life, you should.
And maybe your purpose will
be amazing and wonderful
and maybe it will include me
and maybe it won't.
Oh, honey, is that what you think?
Well, maybe it won't.
But who knows?
Maybe this did happen for a reason.
And I don't want to discourage
you from looking for that reason
because I'm afraid of
getting left behind.
There is nothing more than us.
And I'm never leaving you anywhere.
You are my wuffenloaf
which is a German word I just made up
for "wonderful, irreplaceable husband."
It's Anne! Are you guys alright?
Let's get her out of here quick so we
can take this gentleman to our freezer.
He's at least two weeks' worth of food.
And I don't care that he
used it for hate speech...
tonight, I'm treating
myself to his tongue.
Wow.
That is some Old Testament
shit right there.
There's a lot of passion when
you're working for you-know-who.
Well, Larry Tragger was a bad dude.
Long history of violence. I can understand
why the Lord would want you to...
Where's his hand?
I'm sure it's somewhere around here...
Anyway, thanks, Anne. If you can
make sure the coast is clear,
we'll throw him in our
car and be on our way.
Oh, it's okay, I'll take him.
- What?
- No way!
Well, yes. I'll run to the desert tonight
and I'll burn the body. It's no problem.
You don't have to do that.
- We'll take him.
- No, guys!
The Lord brought me to
you for a reason, okay?
I'm in law enforcement.
I'm gonna be much better at
covering up stuff like this.
We'll take him.
No, it's okay, I got it.
Please. This one's on us.
Is there a reason you don't
want me to take the body?
Hard to think of one.
It's a tremendous gesture
and you are a gift.
Well... Helping Sheila
do His work is my gift.
Gives my life meaning.
I got some cleaning stuff in the car.
I'll be right back.
Oh!
And I got a print off that
knife from your door.
Guy's got a long record.
I'll send you the file.
Why does everyone want to
find meaning in their lives?
Whatever happened to just getting
through the fucking day?
Hand me the duffel. I'm going to swipe a
few pieces of candy from this piñata.
I woke up this morning feeling
so positive about today.
And then, someone put
a knife on our door.
And now Anne took all your food,
and the Nazis are on to us
so we gotta find a whole
new lobster tank!
It's still better than yesterday, okay?
We're not on the run and we'll
find a new group of bad people.
Did you know there're still pirates?
I'm not buying a boat to chase pirates.
Primary caregivers.
Oh, my God, honey. Look.
Abby's washing a dish. And
you thought this wasn't a good day.
How are you, sweetheart?
Fine.
The highlight of my day.
Everything okay, Abs?
Yeah. Just tired.
I'm going to go to bed.
Love you, Dad.
Love you too, sweetheart.
Love you, God.
Alright.
Today was better than yesterday.
Let's go upstairs and take a bath...
and get all slippery with each other.
And I promise tomorrow
will be even better.
It's from Anne.
The file on that guy who
put the knife in our door.
Whoa.
Him? Fuck me.
Well, at least Anne came through.
Maybe there's hope for her yet.
Okay, people.
After we met this morning, I spoke
to Sheila, and it turns out...
she doesn't want anyone knowing
she's doing God's work.
So we're going to have to keep it tight.
George?
I already told my wife.
Okay, well, just don't tell anyone else.
Okay.
George.
She may have told her sister.
Okay.
- Lauren?
- When can we meet Sheila?
Oh, I'm not sure.
Not for a while.
But if we can't witness
her glory like you did,
then how do we know it's real?
Well, you're just gonna
have to go on faith for now.
But don't worry.
When the time is right...
everyone will know the miracle of Sheila.
Subtitle translation by
I have done nothing.
Is he well restrained?
Yes, Colonel.
Did you double check?
Yes, Colonel.
I've been searching for you for so long.
You look so human.
Please... I have a family.
Then we have something in common.
The only difference is you'll
never see yours again.
Did you clean these?
I'm kidding.
I beg you.
Don't hurt me.
We both know you can't be hurt.
What happens now?
What are you going to do to me?
No blood.
I found one!
I'm not a monster.
Please don't kill me.
I wouldn't dream of killing you.
We're going to spend years
in this lab together.
Vlado?
Yes, Colonel?
You didn't check the restraints, did you?
I could check them now.
Yes?
I know.
I wanted to kill Vlado weeks ago.
Different Vlado.
But...
But I'll find another undead.
Transfer?
You don't need to transfer...
I understand.
Where the fuck is Santa Clarita?
? Our house, in the
middle of our street ?
? Our house, in the middle of our ?
? Our house, it has a crowd ?
? There's always something happening ?
? And it's usually quite loud ?
? Our mum she's so house-proud ?
? Nothing ever slows her down
and a mess is not allowed ?
? Our house, in the
middle of our street ?
? Our house, in the
middle of our street ?
? Our house, in the
middle of our street ?
? Our house, in the middle of our ?
Good morning, Mr. Ball Legs.
Sorry we almost left town
without you yesterday.
Things got a little crazy and...
we completely forgot.
Don't look at me that way.
I got you a present.
It's a spider with a top hat.
The Broadway version of you.
What's going on, Mr. Ball Legs?
You barely touched your earlobes.
Aren't you hungry?
I'm starving.
So, you drove Gary's head out into
the desert and didn't kill him?
Yeah, all good. He's
back in the basement.
Okay, and now... Anne
thinks Mom is a God?
Not exactly.
She believes your mother was chosen
by God to do his work on Earth
by killing evil doers.
And then eating them.
She doesn't know about that part.
Anyway... we just wanted to loop
you in, in case it comes up.
Oh, so we're looping Abby in now?
Because when you guys were going on
the run and ditching me in Phoenix
with Aunt Cathy, looping me in
about my whole goddamn future
didn't seem like a priority.
You still mad about that?
It was yesterday!
The important thing is...
we didn't ditch you.
You're welcome.
And no one's on the run.
Things are good. Life's
getting back to normal.
Ramona's mutant spider ball is sick
and the Nazi meat rotted.
You're the one who wanted
to keep living with us.
I just feel bad for Mr. Ball Legs.
He stopped eating.
It eats?
I think that's what he's doing.
He just sort of scoots back over
the food and then... it's gone.
Also...
since I emptied out our freezer
when we went out on the run...
I'm out of food.
Well, just run down to the market and...
kill somebody.
We'll figure this out.
Look how bad things
seemed for us yesterday.
We were about to lose everything.
Today, we just have to kill a Nazi.
And, lucky for us...
now there are more of them than ever.
Everything is going to be just fine.
Why do you have to say things like that?
There's no one there.
Who are the Knights?
I have no idea.
Fuck me.
According to Google Translate...
this says there was
a group of medieval men
called the Knights of Serbia, who
were tasked with killing the undead.
Of course they were all men.
Yes. If we could just go back in time
and channelize that gender's
hostility to anything different...
I'm just saying.
Do you think that there
are modern-day Knights?
I don't know.
If their duty is to stop the
virus from spreading...
they may be the ones that
blew up Ruby's clam farm.
And they may also be looking for me.
- Is your stomach growling?
- I'm hungry.
Okay.
You track down another Nazi.
I need to find out if this
Knights of Serbia thing is real.
And see who put this knife
in our door because...
that's curious.
Yeah.
Oh! I invited Anne over later to talk
about our miracle in the desert.
I could ask for her help.
I think we should limit
Anne in our lives.
If she realizes that we're killing
people for food and not for God...
she might not like us anymore.
On the other hand,
the Bible says, "If God giveth
you a minion, use her."
It also says, "Please,
baby, don't involve Anne.
You're gonna get us all killed."
You know what would be funny?
Is if misquoting the Bible was
the thing we went to hell for.
Hey, dude.
Brought the night vision goggles.
Put it back in your mom's closet.
We'll do it later.
She still home. Have you seen this?
It's everywhere.
It says the fracking company
is pausing their operation until they
find out more about what happened.
That's so cool.
It's pretty fucking cool.
We did that.
- What?
- Nothing.
Just nice to see you this happy.
- Aren't you happy?
- I'm very happy.
Last night was amazing.
You were amazing.
Oh, shucks. So were you.
Were you scared?
A little.
The whole thing was perfect
and you are a fucking master.
Please. I mean, you did more
than your share of the work.
I didn't know something
could explode like that.
Was it too much? It was too much.
It nearly knocked me out of my shoes.
You said go big.
Oh, my God!
You guys did it.
What? I just heard you.
You had sex!
Oh! Oh, I feel like you
maybe misinterpreted.
Then what were you talking about?
Okay.
- You caught us. We had sex.
- It was lovely and I am proud.
Really? It went well?
You're kidding me? This guy... Look out.
I won't be denied.
Unless my partner puts out any signal
that this is not what she wants
and then I will absolutely
stop and call an Uber
or another ride-sharing app
that treats women better.
I am so excited!
Oh, my little baby.
My little baby boy.
And you take care of her needs, right?
Otherwise, you're just
a monkey in a jungle.
We're a family without boundaries.
How cool is that?
It's all so incredible.
Why do you think God chose
you to do His work?
I don't know. I mean,
he's a great guy, but...
not much of an explainer.
How's the fruit salad?
It's good, thank you.
Anne, you have to stop testing me.
I'm sorry.
You scratched the table.
That was there before.
No, it wasn't.
I know. I'm sorry I doubted you.
And I lied about the table. No
wonder God didn't choose me
- to do His work.
- Don't be like that.
He loves you. Just don't fuck with Him.
You didn't say anything to Lisa, right?
- No, I swear.
- Good.
Don't tell anybody.
But I want to spread the word!
You rose from the dead.
You can grant eternal life.
People should know.
I disagree. People get weird.
You only found out last night and
you've already shot me twice
and stabbed me with a fork.
Well... can I at least
help you do His work?
I've always wanted to serve God
in a bigger way and now...
through you, I can.
No, thank you.
Sheila, please don't turn me away.
Well, there is one tiny
thing you could do.
I'm trying to smite this Nazi.
- Could you get his address?
- Done.
And... a fingerprint
off this knife, with no questions asked?
- Okay.
- And while you're out...
we could use some dish soap and
string cheese. I have a list.
Whatever you need.
Sheila...
You may not know why this happened but...
it happened for a reason.
- You think so?
- I'm sure of it.
You have a greater purpose.
You just don't know what it is yet.
But one day, you will.
So, Janko, tell me this.
Would you rather have all
your teeth taken out
or keep them all but
file them into points?
- Points.
- I agree.
Would you rather be attacked
by two 15-year-olds...
or 15 two-year-olds?
Hello. I'm Roy Eastman.
One moment. And the two-year-olds...
have a dog.
Dog for me is a non-issue
because I'm good with the dogs.
Although it may make the
two-year-olds braver.
Janko. Vlado.
Can't you see a man has walked in?
How may I help you?
Yes.
I'm a medieval scholar
at the local university.
Recently, I've been made aware of an
ancient order that may still exist
called "The Knights of Serbia."
We know of no such thing.
I believe they were formed
hundreds of years ago
after an outbreak of a deadly virus
in the town of Pozica.
Have any of you heard of Pozica?
- No.
- I don't know.
No.
My name is Dobrivoje Poplovic.
I'm sorry, I... didn't get your name.
Roy. Roy...
Kodak?
I thought you said the Roy Eastman?
Yeah.
Roy Eastman...
Kodak.
Well, over the years...
people with wild imaginations have
made up stories about our country.
Fantasies about outbreaks, viruses,
people going mad, killing each other.
I can assure you, these
things have never happened.
There are no Knights of Serbia.
And if this Pozica exists, it's
a town of no significance.
Now...
if you'll excuse us,
this week is the Guca...
Trumpet Festival, so we're all very busy.
I didn't realize Guca was this week.
I'm kidding, I've never heard of it.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Did any of you put a knife
in my door this morning?
Of course not. Trumpet
Festival is time of peace.
A clam farm is blown up...
someone was looking for Serbian bile
and now this man comes in.
- I don't think he was medieval scholar.
- No.
You don't lock a face like
that up in a library.
Perhaps there is an undead
subject in Santa Clarita.
And if so, we need to find
it before those meddlesome
Knights of Serbia kill it.
I need it alive.
And I need to find out more about this...
Roy... Eastman Kodak.
Those people at the Consulate?
They're obviously hiding something.
That Poplovic guy? He's
like a hotel bellman
you find out has been dead
for 200 years... Jogger.
I wish we could have lured this Nazi to
the kill room, like we did with Boone.
I told you. He said his schedule
was too tight this week.
I can't believe he's that busy.
I was surprised too, and then I
thought if we also stereotype people
by assuming Nazis are always available,
are we that much better than them?
Yes. It's just...
We bought all the plastic,
we're renting the unit.
It's such a waste if we're
not going to use it.
Do you ever wonder why
this happened to me?
Just to close out my thing...
maybe we should cancel Showtime and
switch to a cheaper toilet paper.
Now, what were you saying?
I was talking to Anne this
morning, and full disclosure,
she helped me track down
this Nazi gentleman.
I thought you tracked him down.
I did. By asking her to do it.
She's also gonna help us get
a print off that knife.
Honey, I thought we agreed you weren't
going to ask for Anne's help.
Well, it was really important
to her and she could be useful.
She's a smart cop. She caught us.
The more we bring another
person into our lives...
the more dangerous our
lives are going to get.
Or maybe she could bring
clarity to our lives.
She thinks that God has a
higher purpose for me.
I don't think anything good
will come from you believing
you're a gift from God.
That came out wrong.
You, my love, are a gift from...
I know. And so are you,
and everyone else.
I'm not saying I'm more
special than anyone else,
or doing God's work,
but maybe, my life does
have a greater purpose.
Something more than just killing people.
Oh, my God. He's muscular.
He's like a walking protein shake.
I'm complicated.
I wanna be about more
than just eating people
but I also really enjoy eating people.
Fuck.
And what if Anne becomes
disgruntled and turns on us?
Or, going the other way, starts baptizing
believers into the Church of Sheila?
Not bad for a girl from the valley.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Larry Tragger?
- Yeah.
We're Jenny and Charles Darwin.
We spoke on the phone about
the German memorabilia?
Oh, The Nazi People!
The Nazi People. That's
the name of our company.
Come on in, Darwins.
Because these items are so valuable,
before we take them out...
our insurance company
requires us to ask...
Is there anybody else home?
- Just me.
- Excellent.
Do you have any rooms with
a linoleum or tile floor?
- Why?
- Oh, we have some very valuable things
and we don't want them to
get lost in your carpet.
- Seems a little paranoid.
- Look, Larry...
We've got a Reichsluftschutzbund
first pattern droop wing buckle
and an SS-sponsored
Grenadier Regiment Drei
Deutschland officer's cuff title.
We're not gonna fuck around
with your unworkable carpet.
Okay.
I wanted to put linoleum in my kitchen
but my Indian landlord
wouldn't pay for it.
Those people are the
Jews of Southeast Asia.
And let me tell you something
else about the Jews...
- We'll just do it here.
- Great.
Lay it all out. I gotta
use the powder room.
Okay.
Oh, my God!
I am so hot for you right now.
The way you took command
with that flawless German.
Where did you learn that?
I figured if we were gonna be running
with Nazis, I should do some homework.
See?
We don't need Anne.
You and me, we're the team. We got this.
It's me. They're here.
The people who killed Boone, dumbass.
You guys get to my house, I'll
make sure they don't leave.
I love night vision goggles.
They take the guesswork out of crime.
Do you remember where they go?
- We should put them back exactly the same.
- I don't remember.
- Shit.
- But I did take a picture.
Genius.
Damn.
That's it. Done.
Can it really be this easy to
get away with blowing shit up?
I sort of hope not. I mean, better
for us, but not cool, generally.
Oh!
Hey, guys.
- What are you doing?
- We're just looking for you.
Oh, what's up?
Nothing. What is up with you?
Nothing.
Lisa said you two were out in the
desert pretty late last night.
So you guys are together now?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You see anything odd out there?
- No. Did you?
- No. Did you?
- No. Did you?
- Yeah.
There was a huge explosion.
And a fireball. Lit up the whole sky.
Was there, really?
Wow. Yeah, we are just pretty focused
on each other. Isn't that right, Abby?
Yeah, our faces were like this.
So we didn't see a whole lot.
No.
I was just focused on you...
Sweet Stuff.
And I, you... Buttercup.
It's new. We don't have fun
pet names for each other yet.
I'm gonna go. I'll see you both later.
Ah, loud. Love it, though.
I'm also going to leave.
Okay.
Okay, let's get him on the tarp.
Boom bam bing, and I'll be
banging you before Fallon.
We are a good team and I'm gonna
bang you before and after Fallon.
Alright.
What do you got?
Oh, lots of good stuff. Come
on over here and take a look.
I'm fine where I am.
The light's better over here.
I can see.
You like power bars?
That's for you.
I'm not getting on your fucking tarp.
In fact, we're all going to
stay right where we are.
Whoa... Larry!
Some of my buddies have gone missing.
A.J., Boone, Kevin. You
know anything about that?
- Larry, put the gun down.
- Or at least point it at me.
It's very sexist that you're
only pointing it at...
Roy.
No, that was this morning. Fuck me.
My buddies are on their way over. We're
gonna drive you out to the desert,
torture you, and then make you look at
each other while we shoot you in the head.
Please, don't sugar coat it.
Stay right where you are.
I'm getting hysterical and
I need to be next to Roy.
No, it's not Roy.
Honey, why don't you just go
lie down behind the couch?
- Oh, man. It will be so embarrassing.
- No whispering.
If he shoots you, you'll die.
If he shoots me, I'm fine.
Such a weak move.
What are you doing? Get back here. Hey!
Oh, shut up. You think I like this?
What the fuck?
Get out from there!
And you stop right where you are.
I will shoot you, I swear.
My husband's not looking and...
you have such a strong physique.
Let's party.
Do you mind if I lick your gun
so that I can demonstrate
an unhealthy male fantasy of a...
sexually dangerous woman?
What?
Honey, we gotta get out of
here before his friends show...
Larry! Larry!
You boys go around back.
- I love avocado.
- It's my favorite sandwich topping.
- It's so goddamn buttery.
- You bet.
I feel like we're on first date.
I know. What's happening?
We're getting awkward with each other.
- I don't want that.
- Me neither.
Faking a physical relationship...
- It's so weird.
- So weird.
It's just hard to pretend
that I'm into it...
That I'm not into it.
Did it just get more awkward?
Should I take my sandwich to go?
Okay, listen. You know I
really care about you, right?
Like, more than anyone.
Now it sounds like we're breaking up.
- I know!
- Why don't we
pretend to just be like
one of those couples
that doesn't do public
displays of affection?
Sure. We like each other.
We just don't feel the need
to touch all the time.
Yeah.
Hey, lovebirds.
Just dropping off a couple
of things for our Sheila.
She thinks my mom's a God.
I'll explain later.
- Cool.
- So, Anne...
You asked us about last night,
but we didn't ask you.
Does the Sheriff's Department
have any theories?
About what took you two so
long to finally hook up?
But no, our investigation into the
fracking site is already over.
Really?
So soon.
- Yep.
- So they...
Or it could be just one person.
I don't know, I wasn't there...
- just get away with it?
- Oh, no. They won't get away with it.
It's been labeled as eco-terrorism.
So that means the FBI's coming in.
The FBI?
Oh, yeah, they have unlimited resources
and they take terrorism very seriously.
Trust me, the FBI is going
to find who did this
and they're going to send
them away for a long time.
Look at you two, holding hands.
You guys are so sweet.
Hey, open the door!
Hey, asshole!
Open the door!
There's three at the back
door and two on the side.
- What's should...
- Call Anne! Call Anne!
I don't know, honey. You made
such a compelling argument.
Maybe we shouldn't involve
her in our thing.
Our thing is gonna be watching each
other get shot in the head. Call her!
But what if one day she becomes
disgruntled and turns on us?
- I'll take the chance.
- But years from now,
she could be a problem.
Better play it safe.
What are you do...
The cops are here, man! Let's go!
Oh, you were fucking
with me. Well played.
I texted her 20 minutes ago.
I knew you'd come around.
So I guess Anne is going
to be your disciple.
She can scare off bad guys
and help you find your purpose
while I'm... hiding behind furniture.
It's not gonna be like that.
And this purpose thing is just
something I'm thinking about.
- I don't even know if it's real.
- Sweetheart.
If you want to search for more
meaning in your life, you should.
And maybe your purpose will
be amazing and wonderful
and maybe it will include me
and maybe it won't.
Oh, honey, is that what you think?
Well, maybe it won't.
But who knows?
Maybe this did happen for a reason.
And I don't want to discourage
you from looking for that reason
because I'm afraid of
getting left behind.
There is nothing more than us.
And I'm never leaving you anywhere.
You are my wuffenloaf
which is a German word I just made up
for "wonderful, irreplaceable husband."
It's Anne! Are you guys alright?
Let's get her out of here quick so we
can take this gentleman to our freezer.
He's at least two weeks' worth of food.
And I don't care that he
used it for hate speech...
tonight, I'm treating
myself to his tongue.
Wow.
That is some Old Testament
shit right there.
There's a lot of passion when
you're working for you-know-who.
Well, Larry Tragger was a bad dude.
Long history of violence. I can understand
why the Lord would want you to...
Where's his hand?
I'm sure it's somewhere around here...
Anyway, thanks, Anne. If you can
make sure the coast is clear,
we'll throw him in our
car and be on our way.
Oh, it's okay, I'll take him.
- What?
- No way!
Well, yes. I'll run to the desert tonight
and I'll burn the body. It's no problem.
You don't have to do that.
- We'll take him.
- No, guys!
The Lord brought me to
you for a reason, okay?
I'm in law enforcement.
I'm gonna be much better at
covering up stuff like this.
We'll take him.
No, it's okay, I got it.
Please. This one's on us.
Is there a reason you don't
want me to take the body?
Hard to think of one.
It's a tremendous gesture
and you are a gift.
Well... Helping Sheila
do His work is my gift.
Gives my life meaning.
I got some cleaning stuff in the car.
I'll be right back.
Oh!
And I got a print off that
knife from your door.
Guy's got a long record.
I'll send you the file.
Why does everyone want to
find meaning in their lives?
Whatever happened to just getting
through the fucking day?
Hand me the duffel. I'm going to swipe a
few pieces of candy from this piñata.
I woke up this morning feeling
so positive about today.
And then, someone put
a knife on our door.
And now Anne took all your food,
and the Nazis are on to us
so we gotta find a whole
new lobster tank!
It's still better than yesterday, okay?
We're not on the run and we'll
find a new group of bad people.
Did you know there're still pirates?
I'm not buying a boat to chase pirates.
Primary caregivers.
Oh, my God, honey. Look.
Abby's washing a dish. And
you thought this wasn't a good day.
How are you, sweetheart?
Fine.
The highlight of my day.
Everything okay, Abs?
Yeah. Just tired.
I'm going to go to bed.
Love you, Dad.
Love you too, sweetheart.
Love you, God.
Alright.
Today was better than yesterday.
Let's go upstairs and take a bath...
and get all slippery with each other.
And I promise tomorrow
will be even better.
It's from Anne.
The file on that guy who
put the knife in our door.
Whoa.
Him? Fuck me.
Well, at least Anne came through.
Maybe there's hope for her yet.
Okay, people.
After we met this morning, I spoke
to Sheila, and it turns out...
she doesn't want anyone knowing
she's doing God's work.
So we're going to have to keep it tight.
George?
I already told my wife.
Okay, well, just don't tell anyone else.
Okay.
George.
She may have told her sister.
Okay.
- Lauren?
- When can we meet Sheila?
Oh, I'm not sure.
Not for a while.
But if we can't witness
her glory like you did,
then how do we know it's real?
Well, you're just gonna
have to go on faith for now.
But don't worry.
When the time is right...
everyone will know the miracle of Sheila.
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