Santa Clarita Diet (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Easels and War Paint - full transcript

Oh, my God!
Is that Carl's heart? Did you kill Carl?

-I don't know. Maybe?
-How could you not know?

I saw him in the parking lot

and he was yelling at me
and then I woke up here.

It must be some kind of a blackout.

-You have no memory of what happened?
-No. Nothing.

Okay. Maybe that's not a human heart.

Maybe that's an animal heart.
That would be so great and totally legal.

Definitely human.
Fresh from the chest.

This sucks! This really sucks!

I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at the situation.



Where did you put the body?

"Situation"?

"The situation" doesn't remember.

Come on, let's get you inside
and figure out what to do.

-Where's my other boot?
-I don't know.

Is there even the slightest chance
you traded it for a human heart?

Carl's not here, just some leftover Nazis
and a chunk of Serb.

Gary said you didn't go
to the other unit either.

Then he told me a story
about meeting Paul Shaffer at a car wash.

It was actually pretty funny.

- Honey.
- Yeah, it can wait.

He had this super tiny cat with him.

Remind me later.
All right, it's almost morning.

We'll go to the office like normal.
If Carl shows up, great.



If we hear that he's dead,
we'll act surprised.

-Oh, God, that's crazy.
-You have a better idea?

-No, that was me acting surprised.
-No way. Seriously?

-Yeah. Pretty good, right?
-That was me acting surprised.

Oh, nice. We got this.

Hey, it's Carl Coby.
Leave me a message.

Pat, what do I press
when I'm done? Pat!

Hey, it's Sheila.
I felt bad I missed the meeting,

so I wanted to leave you a recording
of where I was yesterday.

I addressed a problem with my daughter
from 2:00 to 5:00,

had dinner with my husband
from 5:00 to 7:00,

then went to bed
where I stayed until morning.

I hope you're well. Love you.

Yeah, I'm not looking forward
to hearing that at the trial.

He's not here
and Pat hasn't heard from him.

Plus, he missed his first meeting
this morning.

Oh, God, I killed him.

After he yelled at you yesterday,
you must've snapped,

brought him to another location,
attacked him, and ripped out his heart.

Oh, fuck! I didn't even get to enjoy it.
Just straight to consequences.

It's like pushing cake all the way down
your throat, right to your thighs.

This is the second coworker we've killed.

-When they find Carl's body--
-That's it. I'm going to prison.

I'm so sorry, honey.

We're not giving up.
You're not going to prison.

I love you.

-I'm gonna miss you so much.
-Don't talk like that.

Promise me you'll find
that clam distributor

and figure out what caused this
so it won't happen to anyone else.

I will. No, we will.

And when Abby gets married,
there should be peach roses everywhere.

She'll say it's too much,
but don't listen to her.

God damn it!

You didn't kill Carl.

-I didn't kill Carl.
-Hotcha!

Wait. Then who did you kill?

Some random person!
That's still not great.

Sheila, what the fuck
happened to you yesterday?

-Hey, Joel.
-Carl.

I see you in the parking lot,
and then you just drive away?

I mean, I couldn't pitch
your bullshit eco-homes to the investor.

I had to pull a "Mad Men"
and take him to a strip club all night.

But isn't it great that you're
healthy enough to enjoy the female form?

All you had to do was show up
and not be a know-it-all.

You couldn't even do that.

I'm sorry, Carl.

But you know what?
The last few days have been impossible.

You want me to be your meek yes-woman,
but that's not who I am anymore.

I have opinions,
and that's a good thing,

because a workplace is stronger
when everybody has a voice.

Yeah, that sounds like a pain in the ass.
You're fired.

What? You're firing us?

No, just you. Joel can stay.

Uhh...

I rescheduled the meeting
with the investor for 5:00 tonight.

Can you make it?

Uhh...

Great.

He's alive.

Carl took me by surprise.
I didn't know what to say!

How about, "Sheila and I are a team, Carl.
We've always been a team.

And I would sooner slit my throat
than betray my goddess wife."

He cut me off. I would've gotten there.
So, any thoughts on who you did kill?

Uh...

Are you thinking about it
or just doing me?

Uh...

Oh, I get it. Is this gonna be a thing?

Uh...

Oh, my God. It could be the police!
I'm going to jail.

We'll fight this, sweetheart.
It's a disease. It wasn't your fault.

Don't you dare spend a penny
of Abby's college fund on my legal team.

It's Lisa!

Oh, thank God.

I know you're home.
Pull out, pull out, wherever you are.

Wow.

Thank you, Sheila!

You're welcome?

I thought about what you told me
last night, and I'm gonna do it!

Hooray?

Do you guys have any milk?
I can't keep any in the house.

Eric goes through like a gallon a day.

-What did you tell her?
-I don't know!

-Your guess is as good as mine.
-I don't think so, honey. You were there.

-Did you tell Joel yet?
-Not yet.

Well, tell him.

Well, Lisa... here...

Oh, my God, I will tell him.

As you know, Anne is very religious.

Without going into too much detail,
she refuses to get her tongue pierced

and go down on me
until I accept Jesus as my Savior.

Thank you for keeping it vague.

So, last night
when Anne and I ran into Sheila,

she gave me the push that I needed,
and I decided to get baptized!

I convinced Lisa to get adult baptized.
That's a thing I did.

-Morning, elders.
-Hi, honey.

Abba-dabs!
So, where did you all meet up, Lisa?

And at what time,
and what else did you discuss?

I grew up without sisters,
so I love hearing what women talk about

when there are no men around.
Were men around?

Oh, Sheila was just out front,
going to her car,

and, God, you were on fire.

You were like, "Get baptized!
Live your truth!

Every body is a bikini body!"

Oh, and you really helped Anne.

Well, tell Joel what I did.

-Because he is loving this.
-I am.

Anne's been fixated
on these missing people in Santa Clarita.

Your wife was all,
"Stop thinking about work

and use the creative side
of your fucking brain."

And then she slapped her ass.

Sometimes I do that to make a point.
Right, honey?

It's new and I love it.

Well, it got the message across.

Anne marched straight to my garage,
set up her easel,

and she has been painting ever since.

I got Anne off her crazy investigating
and into painting.

-Good for me, right?
-Good for you.

Yeah, you deserved that lobster.

Hm?

You said something about getting
your dinner out of a lobster tank.

Hm...

Oh, God damn it!

We're out of frozen strawberries.

-I just bought some.
-No, Dad. Come look.

The lack of strawberries is appalling.

Nope. No strawberries.

Just your leftover lobster
from last night.

Ooh, I make
a mean lobster scramble.

No! I don't mean to be rude,

but you told me all these things
I already know because I was there.

So if you don't mind,
I gotta start my day.

Look at this attitude.
You gonna slap my ass?

Come on, slap it. Come on.

Hey, your mom is so fierce,

especially in those red boots
you were wearing last night.

I mean, Anne is obsessed with them.

Would you hate it
if I got her exactly the same ones?

Not at all. But they don't sell them
in my kitchen, so...

Lisa, I'll walk with you.
I have to talk to Eric anyway.

You two spend so much time together.
When are you gonna date?

We're just friends.

You know, Eric's too shy to tell you,
but he has a lovely you-know-what.

When he was born, all the nurses said
it was impressive, but not ostentatious.

These are Professional nurses, talking like that?

It's Boone's Nazi friend.
The one who sold us raffle tickets.

I guess even in a blackout,
I knew not to kill Carl,

so I rage-killed a Nazi.

Why'd you bring him here?

I must've remembered
the storage unit freezer was full.

Pretty smart gal, that blackout Sheila.
I wonder where she gets it.

He's wearing his work uniform.

Maybe you killed him
at "NMS Impound & Tow."

Oh, my God.
Maybe that's where I left my boot.

The one Sheriff Anne is obsessed with,
and if she sees at a bloody crime scene,

she'll immediately connect to you?

"Yes, that one," she answers
with a less judgmental tone in her voice.

We need to get to that impound yard.

There could be witnesses,
other body parts.

You could've slapped bloody handprints
on who knows how many dead asses.

Oh, my God, witnesses!
I remember something.

What?

There was a tall man in a red shirt
waving at me.

Let's go.

-Hey.
-Abby, hi.

Is your dad checking out
that Japopo's clam distributor

we found yesterday?

No, he got distracted.

There's a dead guy in our freezer,
and they don't know how he got there.

But I've ruled out suicide.

I once found my mom's vibrator
in the vegetable crisper.

Ooh.

Okay, here are the ideas I worked up
for the fracking billboard.

So, vandalism
doesn't come naturally to me,

but two Mountain Dews,
and the beast is off its leash!

-Sugar-high Eric! Drink that go-go juice.
-Yeah!

But seriously, if I try to have more,
do not let me.

-Okay.
-All right.

This is what the fracking site
looks like now.

Ugh. "Energy that turns on your future."

And this is what it will look like
tonight, after we paint it.

"Energy that turns off your future."

Asterisk...

"By polluting the water table
with carcinogens."

And then a really long URL.

Booyah. Citing my sources.
The beast strikes again.

Okay. Building on that,

what if, instead,
we just write "Fracking Kills"

and then make it look like
blood's coming out of the family's eyes?

That's so much better.
Two beasts in the junkyard. Watch out.

Okay, paint the sign tonight,
film it with a drone tomorrow,

and post it on YouTube.

People see what's in their own
backyard and the opposition begins.

-Yeah!
-Fuck yeah! Wanna go halvsies on a Dew?

-No.
-Good idea.

Okay, are you sure you can get a drone?

Uh, yeah, I won a Parrot AR
off Fenton Hoffstadter

in an all-or-nothing game
of Magic: The Gathering.

Okay. Bunch of words
I'm not super familiar with.

I beat a boy at a game
and now he's giving me his toy.

Great! I was thinking
it would be super helpful

if we had your stepdad's
night vision goggles tonight.

It would,
but after your dad killed him,

my mom locked up
all of Dan's psycho cop stuff

and won't let me anywhere near it.
For no good reason.

Uh-huh. What's the reason?

I got busted
using the goggles to observe an owl.

It was perched above
the Andersons' bedroom window.

They thought
I was watching them have sex.

As if their unremarkable human forms
could hold a candle

to the feathered glory
of a Western Screech Owl.

Well, your mom loves me.
I'll ask for the goggles.

Oh, excellent.

-Pick you up at 8:00?
-Yeah. Are you gonna eat before?

I'll be too nervous.
I thought maybe we could go out after.

Yeah, that would be great.
This is exciting!

Yes, totally. Well, till tonight.

-Oh!
-Oh!

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Lisa?

Oh, Abby. Hey.

I was just reading the Bible,
getting up to speed for my baptism.

-Have you read this?
-No.

-Damn.
-I was just on my way out.

-While I'm here, can I ask you a favor?
-Of course.

You know, as Jesus says...

Oh, fuck, I'll never be able to fake this.
What's up?

Eric mentioned that Dan had
some night vision goggles lying around.

I was just wondering
if I could borrow them.

-It's for a school project.
-On what?

On nighttime.
What happens at night, anyway?

-I'm gonna find out.
-Is this for Eric to look at owls?

Because I can't have Neal Anderson
storming over again

yelling at me about parenting

while standing there in sweatpants
with half an erection.

All right. It's for me and Eric.

We kinda have this special thing
planned in the desert tonight.

Oh, my God.

Are you going on a date?
Tell me you are.

Yes. We're going on a date.
It's finally happening.

This is incredible! You pray one time.
Let me get those for you.

You know, when Dan disappeared,
I locked up all of his crazy shit.

Wait. You're suspended today, right?

Yeah. Why?

I'm making you up.

No, thank you.

If you want the goggles...

-Fine.
-Yay!

Yay.

Is that the tall man in a red shirt
who was waving at you?

Yeah. Now that I think about it,
he was incredibly limber.

There's no police tape.

Well, we should check inside
and see

if I strung up anyone's entrails
like Christmas lights.

I've been dreaming about that lately.
I think I'm excited for the holidays.

Hang on. We don't want anyone to see us.
We should wait for them to leave.

Yeah, although they are teenage girls,
so I'm sure we're invisible to them.

Okay, I'll admit it.
Carl and I were not a great match.

It's good I won't be
working with him anymore.

Thank you.
I'm glad you are able to accept--

So I was thinking we could work
somewhere else.

There's an opening
at Principal Residential.

Chris and Christa's company?

The woman threatened to fuck us
with a strap-on!

Well, don't be sexist, Joel.

If Elon Musk threatened to fuck us
with a strap-on, you'd call it leadership.

I don't think I would.

Fine. There are other companies
we could work with.

All of them with bosses
who you might not like.

So what, you're just gonna keep
working for Carl without me?

All I'm saying is we can't afford
to both be out of a job.

Whoo!

They're leaving.

Did they break it?

Fucking teenagers!
We should report them.

Absolutely.

Right after we check on my murder.

I don't see any blood
or junk body parts.

There's no one in the office
or on the office walls.

Shit! Is that a camera?

Shit! It is!

-What do we do?
-I don't know.

-This doesn't look like human behavior.
-No.

If there's a camera...

Then there could be a recording
of me eating a man alive.

And that really won't look
like human behavior.

You've been so good for Eric.

Before you,
the only girl he talked to was his cousin.

That was headed in a weird direction.
She's super pushy.

Eric's good for me, too.
I can really depend on him, you know?

It feels like my face is suffocating.

I'm just giving you a little war paint
to match your personality.

Eric told me what you did
to defend that poor girl in the cafeteria.

-Oh, it wasn't a big deal.
-Well, I think it was.

I've been watching you
over the past couple weeks,

and you have a fire in you
that you didn't have before.

You're a doer, a woman of action.

Thanks, Lisa.

My life's been kind of intense lately.

I guess that made me think
more about what's important.

Close.

Okay, if this is too slutty,
I can change it.

And if it's not slutty enough,
I can fix that, too.

Any excuse to get out the body glitter.

And done.

Okay, come look in the mirror
while I grab those goggles.

What do you think?

Whoa.

You hate it?

No.

It's awesome.

Because you're awesome.

So many people play it safe, but not you.

Here you go.

You're just like your mom.

The Hammond women,
they go big or go home.

Yeah.

We do.

Hey.

-You're Abby Hammond's friend, right?
-Oh, uh...

We're a little more than friends.

There's a 3% chance we might
someday become lovers. Her words.

Dude, I lost my virginity
when I was 13, so...

-What do you got there?
-Um, it's a drone.

Specifically a Parrot AR 2.0.

What? That's sick!
That's...

Yeah.

I'm gonna go ahead and keep this.
Thanks, bro.

Wait, what?

What? No!
You can't just take things!

Come on, man, we're almost adults!

Hey! Christian.

- You're gonna hit me with that?
- Give me my drone.

No.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

- Hello?
- Anyone here?

Hey, buddy. Working alone?

Let's look around.

-We go through a lot of dish gloves.
-Yeah, well, we kill a lot of people.

And sometimes do dishes.

I know.
I just worry about our carbon footprint.

We do our part. You know what happens
every time we kill someone?

They drive less.

Yeah.

It's still AJ's shift. The next guy starts
in a half-hour, so we have to hurry.

Here are the monitors.

So, do you think
I should just not work at all?

I don't know, honey.

Because killing and eating people
can't be the only thing that I do.

Then I'd just be a monster.

Well, you could have hobbies.
You like hiking, getting out into nature.

You know who else likes hiking and nature?
Well-known monster Bigfoot.

Just because one monster does those things
doesn't mean he gets to own them.

Wait, there you are. Stop.

No one but AJ is around.

You're just staring at him.

Wow.

Where's that patience when you're waiting
for me to finish using the hair dryer?

I've only been waiting on AJ for an hour.

Here he comes.

Oh, I remember this.
He was mad 'cause I was staring at him.

He thought it was creepy.

He pushed you!

You can't just do that to someone.

Yeah, well, spoiler alert, this does end
with his torso in our freezer.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

-You've gotten really good at that.
-Thanks! Anne's been teaching me.

I wish I could show her this.
She'd be so impressed.

No, I can't.

Wait, that's it? I just left?

We didn't see any blood outside.

Maybe you didn't kill him here.
Maybe you followed him later--

Whoa!

Wow.

That was intense.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, you're using the boot
to kill his brain.

But where did the boot go?

The dog!

All we have to do
is get inside this guy's mind.

Hey, buddy.
Where do you hide things?

Where on this vast lot
do you stash your secret...

Oh.

Under your butt.

We got it.

Look at you cleaning up.

Just delete it
and we'll get out of here.

Are you okay?

When I'm killing someone,
it all feels natural, but...

watching myself?

Maybe you're right.
I shouldn't be around people.

You should keep working with Carl
without me.

We could just try it for a little while,
see how it feels.

Yeah. I'll prep you
for that investor meeting today.

Okay.

Twenty-year partnership.
It was a good run.

And we'll still be married, of course.

And we have Abby,
and the house, and cars.

Are you just listing things
we have in common?

Patio furniture.

The hair dryer.

That's it. It's done.

Yeah. It was like it never happened.

Got the goggles. So, about tonight--

Whoa, hey, wow. Look at your face.

Oh, too much?

No! No, you look amazing.

-Thank you!
-Like a sexy raccoon.

Mm...?

They said I'd be better with girls when
I got my braces off, but I don't see it.

Your mom got to me.

So, about tonight,
I'm having some second thoughts.

- Oh, man, thank God.
- Okay. Me, too.

Right, because graffiti on a billboard
isn't enough.

I saw these crazy explosives
in Dan's closet.

I'm thinking, if we really
wanna make an impact,

we should blow up the trailer
on the fracking site.

-Holy shit.
-I know. Go big or go home, right?

-I can't do that.
-Well, don't worry.

We're not gonna do it tonight.
We'll plan it out.

No, I can't do any of that.
I don't even wanna do the graffiti.

-What?
-The other day,

when you called me a badass,
I wanted to be that guy.

I tried to be that guy,
but I'm not.

You can be.
We'll get you a couple of Mountain Dews.

Abby, I'm sorry.

I'm out.

Oh. Okay.

We can still get something to eat tonight,
if you want.

No, I should go home,
do some research on this stuff.

Right. Another time?

Sure. Yeah.

-Bye.
-Bye.

With eco-homes,
you save money and the planet,

because living right
is the right way to live.

This is just the kind of shit
my dad would've hated if he were alive.

Let's do it.

Yeah, fuck your dad!
God rest his soul.

-Impressive work, Joel.
-Impressive work, Joel!

-Thanks, Todd.
-Thanks, Todd!

Carl's pretty excited.

Carl's pretty excited!

- Honey?
- I'm in here!

Oh, thank you.
You're cleaning the freezer.

Yeah. I took AJ to the storage unit
and de-boned him so he'd fit in that.

And I've almost got this one
back to normal,

although the ice cubes
keep coming out red.

-How was the pitch?
-I crushed it.

That's so great.
Yay for the Hammon...d.

-And then I quit.
-What?

After the meeting,
Carl was breaking out the scotch.

I realized I didn't get into this
because I love real estate.

I got into this because I love you.

"Hammond Realty"?

If we can't work for someone else,
we'll work for ourselves.

Really? You wanna start
our own company?

I just spent nine dollars
on this sample business card,

so there's no turning back.

Well, I love it, because working with you
for 20 years wasn't enough.

Then let's do 20 more.

You wanna go upstairs
and do things to each other?

Hotcha.

This morning, I thought there was no way
this day would end well,

-but we figured out who I murdered.
-And we never have to see Carl again.

And, even in a blackout,

I got Anne to stop looking
into our murders and start painting.

It all worked out pretty well.