Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 6, Episode 10 - Aunt Esther Has a Baby - full transcript

Esther and Woody plan to be parents for the first time, but for it to happen Esther is going to need Fred's help.




Oh, hi, Aunt Esther.


What's the matter?

No, he's not, but he'll
be there this afternoon.

Why don't you come... Hello?

Hey, Pop, Aunt
Esther just called.

Well, I hope she
called from Mars.

Hey, man, can't
you ever be serious?

She sounded strange
over the phone.

She is strange.

Something's got
to be wrong, Pop.

She's on her way over here.

I thought I heard
some hoof beats.

She and Woody are
coming over here.

Look, Pop, try and be a
little nice to Aunt Esther.

I mean, you know,
she's got that whiplash

and that's very painful.

Say, how'd she get that, anyway?

Well, she was sitting in the
back of Uncle Woody's truck

and she got hit from the rear.

Well, how could you tell?

Both ends look the same to me.

I tell you, Pop, I'm
worried about her.

I never heard her talk this way,

and I couldn't tell what
was wrong over the phone.

I wouldn't worry, son.

It might be just the results...

the reaction of her
yearly rabies shots.

Would you stop it?


That's probably her now.

Now, Pop, try to be nice to her.

FRED: All right. Get the door.

Hello, Aunt Esther.

Hello, Lamont.

Hey, Uncle Woody.

Oh, that's all right,
Lamont. I'll pour my own.

Hello, Fred.

Hello, Woody.

Hello, Fred Sanford.
And how are you today?

Fine up till now.

Will you stop that?

Okay, okay.

I'm quite fine, Esther.

And may I lie and say
how nice it is to see you.

How's your neck, Aunt Esther?

It's much better, thank you.

May I sit down? Certainly.

I'll push the couch
out on the freeway.

Never mind him. Sit down here
and make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Lamont.

You're welcome.

You a nice nephew. I know.

And you'll make a nice cousin.

What? Tell them, Woodrow.

You tell them, Esther.
It was your idea.

But you went along with it.

Well, because you insisted.

But you gave in.

Because you would
have killed me.

All right, Daddy.





No, you don't mean...

I mean, you couldn't
mean... You do?

Woodrow and I are
gonna have a baby.


Well, somebody
better call the zoo.

LAMONT: Would you stop that?

That's all right, Lamont.

Just leave him alone.

Because, honey, ain't
nothing he can say or do

to dampen my spirits.

I am going to be a mother.

Watch it, sucker.

Congratulations, Uncle Woody.

Thank you, Lamont.

Now this calls for a drink.

LAMONT: Congratulations,
Aunt Esther.

Thank you, dear.

She gonna have a baby,

you better call
for a veterinarian.

Pop, how can you be so cruel
to Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody

on the happiest
day of their life?

Because they both too old
and too ugly to have a baby.

You don't know
nothing about babies.

Who? Fred G. Sanford?

The "G" stands for
"Goo-goo ga-ga."

And "Gynecologist."

Well, it just so happens,
Mr. Fred G. Sanford,

that we're not gonna have this
baby the way you had Lamont.

You're gonna have
this baby on purpose?

I've asked you not to...

Please. I'm sorry, son.

I mean, I never regretted it.

Thanks loads.

You see, Fred,
what Esther means is

we're going to adopt our child.

That's just what I mean.

Hey, adopting. Now, I
think that's wonderful.

I do too! I'll drink to that.

You'd drink to an
ingrown toenail.

To an ingrown toenail.

Listen, Esther, let
me ask you a question.

Why you want this baby anyway?

We need one. You need one? Why?

Because we have
a conscience, Fred.

We have a home and a business

and no one to give it
to when we pass on.

Well, give it to me and pass on.

I understand
perfectly, Aunt Esther.

I knew you would, Lamont.

Aren't you too old to
start with a little baby?

Of course we are, Fred.

We're not gonna
adopt a new baby.

We're gonna adopt a teenager.

Do you know there are
hundreds of orphaned youngsters

in this state that nobody wants?

And do you know there are
two adults in my living room

that nobody wants?

LAMONT: Pop, what's
the matter with you?

Can't you see that what Uncle
Woody and Aunt Esther are doing

is a wonderful thing?

Yes, it's wonderful, son.

They taking a child
out the asphalt jungle

and putting him in
Lion Country Safari.

WOODY: Now listen, Fred.

You're really beginning
to get on my nerves now.

I've sat here and listened to
you insult my wife long enough.

So I'm gonna be
waiting right outside...

where I don't have to hear it.

Exactly what can we
do for you, Aunt Esther?

The adoption
agency wants to know

if we can provide
for our new child.

And I would like to know
if you would be willing

to guarantee that
no matter what,

there will always
be food in his mouth

and a roof over his head.

You got it, Aunt Esther.

No matter what
we have, it's yours.

Now, wait a minute, Lamont.

Don't be so rushed.
Don't do that.

Not so fast.

What's the matter, Fred?
Don't you agree with Lamont?

I don't have to agree with him.

What he does with
his half of the empire

is his business.

What I do with my 90
percent is my business.

Well, I wouldn't want
your 90 percent anyway!

Thank you, Lamont.

You're welcome, Aunt Esther.

So when do you get the child?

Well, we've been
to the initial meetings

and now we have to go
through the medical examination.

Ha ha!

And what is "Ha ha"
supposed to mean?

It means that if you
have to take a physical,

then you gonna have
trouble adopting the baby.


Because they don't let
criminals adopt babies.

Who are you calling a criminal?

I'm no criminal!

Not now.

But if you're gonna
take a physical,

you'll have to take
your clothes off.

And if you take
your clothes off,

that's criminal.

See... Why, you
beady-eyed... Wait a minute.

See, you take your clothes off,

that would be
first-degree ugliness

with malice aforethought,

and attempt to cause blindness.

You old fish-eyed fool!

You old bat-faced...

Don't you call... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Hey, son.

Hey, look. I got
these flowers for you.

Now, don't be mad with me.

Pop, I'm not mad at you
for the way you treat me.

I'm mad at you for the
way you treat Aunt Esther.

You give her some flowers, I
won't be mad at you no more.

Well, when I give her flowers,
you'll know that I'm going mad.

You see, there you go again.

What could Aunt Esther
have possibly done to you

to make you hate
her all these years?

In the first place,
she never liked me.

In the second place, she opposed
my marriage to your mother.

And in the third place,

she didn't like me
after the wedding.

And in all the other
places, she just too ugly.


You're impossible,
you know that?


Oh, hi, Aunt Esther.


Oh, no!

FRED: What?

Oh, that's terrible.

What? I'm sorry to hear that.

What? What?

He will, Aunt Esther. He will.


Oh, come on. No,
stop crying, okay?

Yeah, stop crying!

What am I... Wait a
minute, Aunt Esther.

Now, don't do anything terrible.

No, don't do it, Esther!
I'll do what, son?

Pop will do it. He'll do it.

Just say yes.




Did you hear that?

Okay, now just
relax, Aunt Esther.

We'll be right over there.

Great. Come on, let's go.

What am I gonna do?
Where are we going now?

Tell me what's happening.

You're gonna have to
be Aunt Esther's husband.

Did you say "Aunt
Esther's husband"?

LAMONT: Right.

You must be out of your mind.

Why? Just why in the world...

Why on earth did you
pick this day to get drunk?

I didn't pick this day, Esther.

This day just came along.

And here I am... bombed.

Oh, Woodrow, what am I gonna do?

I'm sorry, Esther.

I really am.

I just thought a little "whiksey"
would calm my nerves.

Uh, no.


Not "whiksey."

You see, I said "whiksey."
I meant "whiskey."

See, there's a big difference
between whiksey and whiskey.

You see, whi... Oh,
shut up, Woodrow.

There, that explains it.

Thank you, "Ethser."



Shh! Shh!


Somebody's calling you.

Nobody's calling me.

Yes, they are. I just heard
somebody shout "Esther! Esther!"

That was me shouting
"Esther! Esther!"

See. There it goes again.


I'll get it.

You'll get it?

Yeah, I'll get it.

Get what? Get the door.

We got a door!

Someone's at the door, fool.

There, you see. I told you
someone was calling you.

I told you that was me.

Oh. Then that's
probably you at the door.

Oh, Woodrow, you
a hopeless case.

Why not tell you to go away?

ESTHER: Careful.

How is he?

Still drunk.

Oh, Fred! Hey, Lamont.

How much did he have to drink?

A bottle in a half hour.

How can you drink a
bottle in a half hour?

You got a bottle and a half hour

and I'll show you.

He got all nervous

because the adoption
lady was coming over

and he got drunk.

What's she coming over here for?

To see if we have a proper
environment to bring up a child.

Well, call them up,
son, and stop them.


Undoubtedly, this is not
the proper environment.

Look here.

A boozer and a loser.


Fred Sanford... Ohh!

You see what you did!

Well, I... I... [WAILS]

What did I... Hey,
Woody, maybe you can...


All right, all right, all right.

How can I help you?

Oh, do you mean it, Fred?

Oh, don't do that, Esther.

Don't touch me! Don't
be doing that stuff.

I ain't had my
swine flu shots yet.

Oh, Fred, I don't know
how I can thank you.

I'll tell you. Just try shaving.

Pop, this is what you and
Aunt Esther have to do.

No, I'll tell you...
Wait a second!

Hey, Pop, you and Aunt Esther
better hurry up and get in here.

We heard.

Put it down right there.

Okay, you're both ready?

Yeah, we ready.

Okay, now.

Pop, now you have to remember,

you have to act as if you're
a happily married couple.

I know.

Pop, you gotta act like
the man of the house.

I know.

And like you love Aunt Esther.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

You promised, Fred Sanford.

I know, I know.


There they are now.

Now, Pop, you get the door.

I'm gonna stay in the
bedroom with Uncle Woody.

Now, no matter what you do,

don't let them come
in the bedroom.

Right. LAMONT: Okay.





How do you do?

Why, how do you do?

I'm Mrs. Sherman of
the adoption agency.

Oh, how nice.

I'm Mrs. Anderson.

And this is my beloved
husband, Woodrow.


Woodrow, meet Mrs. Sherman.



WOODY: What do you want, Esther?

Uh, yes, dear. Shut up, Polly!

All right.

I see you have a parrot.

Oh, yes.

We thought it would be nice

for the child to have a pet.

Oh, I agree with that.

Well, uh, thanks for that.

I'm glad that you agree
with what I agreed on

that you agreed with.

And I think it'll
give me a privilege

to say it later on somewhere

and give you the chance
to agree with me again.

Yes, I see.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thank you. Cup-a-Soup?


What would you like?

Can I get anything for you?

I beg your pardon?

[LOUDLY] What would you like?

WOODY: Gin on the rocks!

Polly want a punch in the beak?


You see, Mrs. Sherman,

Woodrow just loves
to joke with our parrot.


Yes. Ha ha ha ha.



May I see your bird?

Watch it, Woodrow.

You see, Mrs. Sherman,

our bird is very shy.

And I'm afraid if
you look at him,

he might become frightened.

Then he wouldn't want to
meet anyone new, like our child.

Well, that's awfully
thoughtful of you.

You seem very anxious
to have this child.

Oh, we are. We think we'd
make wonderful parents.

Well, you just might.

You see, Mrs. Anderson,

we find the most important thing

is for the child to come
into a loving home.

Oh, this is the
most loving home!

Oh, yes, it is.

Isn't it, Poopsy-Woopsy?

I think I'm gonna woopsy
all over my poopsy.

Oh, my, that is cute!

You two really are cute.

And this place seems so homey.

Will you show me around?

Why, of course.

Now, this room, by the
way, is the living room.

And that room is where
Poopsy and I sleep.

But if you say we
can have the child,

we're gonna get a pull-out
bed and put it here for us

and gonna give the
child our bedroom.

That's wonderful.

You know, I just can't imagine

why you shouldn't be
allowed to adopt a child.

Show me the room where
the child will be sleeping.

Oh, wait a minute!
The parrot is in there!

The parrot isn't more
important than the child, right?

Why, no, of course, but, uh...

Good day, madam, and
thank you for dropping in.

Oh, I see you've met my parrot.

Perhaps one of you would like
to explain what's going on here?


Are you feeling
better, Mr. Anderson?

Oh, yes, thank you. I just
have a slight headache.

It'll pass shortly, dear.

You really think so, Esther?

I know so.

Because just as soon
as Mrs. Sherman leaves,

I'm gonna knock your head off.

Don't be so upset with
him, Mrs. Anderson.

You know, I really
can understand

just how trying this
was for both of you.

So what happens now?

Well, what I do is
go back to my office

and write a report
on this meeting.

And then decide whether or
not you should adopt this child.

Well... you know, Mrs. Sherman,

Uncle Woody isn't
drunk all the time.

Is he, Pop?

Oh, no, no, no. That's right.

He just does it more
for medicinal purposes.

Like to cure his thirst.

Oh, Fred!

Fred nothing! As important
as it is for you to have a child,

it's just as important for the
child to have a good home.

And I'm not gonna lie
for you and nobody else

and mess up a child's life.

You know, Pop,
you sound serious.

I don't know a lot
about a lot of things,

but I know the most
important thing in the world

is to have good parents.

That's very true, Mr. Sanford.

I know it.

You should see the home
that I prepared for my son.

A palace!

Yeah, you must
come over sometime

and I'll sort through the
junk and show it to you.

Listen, son, junk
doesn't ruin a home,

just like expensive furniture
doesn't make a home.

What makes a home
is nice, sober parents.

That makes a home.

No matter how ugly the wife is.

Watch it, Fred Sanford!

Listen, Esther, I know
you'd make a good mother.

And Woody would make a
good father if he stopped drinking.

If I was you, Mrs. Sherman,
I'd come back in a while

and see how he's doing.

Then I'd give them the
best child that you got.

I mean it.

Oh, Fred Sanford, I love you.

Don't try to kiss me, Esther.

Last thing I need
is a terminal hickey.


Hey, Pop, you wanna get that?

What do you think I'm doing?

Somebody left an ape
out on the doorstep.

Hey, how'd it go, Aunt Esther?

Ask Woodrow.

How'd it go, Uncle Woody?

Well, Mrs. Sherman
came back again today

just like she promised.

Oh, by the way, aren't
you gonna offer me a drink?

Would you care for a drink?

No, thank you.

I don't drink anymore.

I'm soon to be a
father, you know.

Come, Esther.

Let's hurry before
the toy store closes.

Hey, wait a minute. They're
gonna let you have a child?

Yes. And thank you.

Thank you both!

Come on, baby.

Hey, Pop, you're crying.

Of course I'm crying, dummy.

I think it's beautiful, man.

Uncle Woody's stopped drinking

and now he and Aunt
Esther are gonna have a child.

I think it's beautiful.

Beautiful? It's tragic!

That poor man has got
to look at that ugly face

for the rest of
his life... sober!

Yes, yes.

My, that is interesting.

Thank you very much.


What's interesting, Pop?

Well, I was just checking
with the adoption agency, son.

And it's true.

Everyone wants to
adopt a newborn baby.

But very few of them want
to adopt older youngsters.

LAMONT: Yeah, I know.

There's a five-year
wait for a newborn baby,

but for an older child
it doesn't take as long,

but nobody wants to
adopt an older child.

I know it.

And there are thousands
of homes in this city

that could provide a
beautiful, comfortable

way of life for them,

give them love and
warmth and understanding,

and that's what
they really need.

LAMONT: I'm hip.

So I want you to know

that I added our
name to the list.

To adopt a child?

No, to be adopted.

FRED: Look at those lovebirds.

Uh... make that gooney birds.

Who let them out of their cage?

Join us next week when
Esther, Woody, Lamont and I

meet their new son.