Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 6, Episode 11 - Here Today, Gone Today - full transcript

Misunderstandings abound and compound when Fred's friends try to honor his fortieth year in business with a secret surprise.




Hey, what are you doing, Pop?

How come you're not dressed,
man? We're going out tonight.

We are?

Yeah, I made a reservation at
a restaurant over a month ago.

Really? Well, let me
check my calendar.


Nineteen fifty-six.

Well, that's done.

Nineteen sixty-three.

Wow, I am late.

I better get me a secretary.

Would you stop it? Now,
what about dinner tonight, Pop?

Well, according to my
calendar, I cancelled.

Pop, you can't
cancel a reservation

unless you tell the person

that made the reservation
in the first place.

I'm not going.

Pop, you have to go!

I mean, it'll do you
good to get out.

Maybe another night.

See, there's something on TV

that I really wanna
see tonight, son.

It's a very sad episode of
The Six Million Dollar Man.

Oh, Pop.

But it is, son!

You see, the Six Million
Dollar Man becomes outdated

so they donate his vital organs

to a used car lot in El Segundo.

Look, Pop, you can
always see that on the rerun.

Now, come on, man.
Let's go have some fun!

I think I'm gonna pass.

I don't wanna get all dressed up

just to go out for
dinner and that's all.

I mean, if there's
something else to do, like...

Make it a big night!

OK, I tell you what.
We'll make a night of it.

After dinner, we'll
go to a movie.

Now, what do you say?

Well, I'm free, depending
on what movie we see.

You pick a movie, Pop.

The Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

Okay, you win.

I knew you'd say yes, son.

I mean, look here.
Let's get out of here.

What are we waiting for?

You're cute, Pop. Real
cute. Oh, wait a minute.

I'll take my menudo
back into the kitchen.

No, no, no.

Just leave it where it
is. It'll find its own way.

Come on, let's go.

See, the last time I made
a reservation over here...

Don't eat anything
now! We're going to...

I just want to
taste it to see if...

Thanks a lot, son, for taking me
out to the movies and to dinner.

That movie was great. The
Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

I place that right along
with Gone With the Wind.

Yeah, it was a remarkable film.

But I don't understand why
you insisted on the front row.

Well, see, that way, we got
to see the shrinking fungus

even after it shrunk.

Yeah, we didn't wanna miss that.

No, no. Come on in.

Let's watch a little
TV, have some coffee.

All right.

Lamont, do you see what I see?

I don't see anything, Pop.

That's what I see!

The incredible
shrunken furniture!

Look out, son.
This is the big one!

Have two of them, Pop.
Have two, one for me.


What are we gonna do?

Well, the first thing
we have to do...

The first thing we have to do

is just calm ourselves
down and sit down.

On what?

The chair's gone, the TV's
gone, the couch is gone.

Even my menudo's gone!

Hey, wait a minute.
Here's a crate, Pop.

I'll put it here where
your chair used to be

and you can sit on that.

Oh, son! I-I-I'm
gonna call the police.

Yeah. Tell them we were
robbed by a gang of weirdoes.

Why do you say
they were weirdoes?

Who else would
steal Esther's picture?

Pop, I don't think
it was weirdoes.

Yeah, you're
right. It was Rollo.

He knows more
about crime than Kojak.

Rollo is not a thief!

Buffalo chips!

You think what you want.

Rollo's coming over here.
You can take that up with him.

Right now I'm gonna
call the precinct.

Hello, 12th Precinct?

Could I speak to
Officer Smith, please?

Hello, Smitty?

Hey, brother. This is
Lamont Sanford, man.

Somebody robbed our house.

Okay. Thanks.

Thanks a lot, Smitty.

What did he do,
congratulate you?

No. He said he'd be right over.


That was fast!

Hi, Lamont! Fred.

Forget Smitty, son. Call SWAT.

Shut up, heathen.

Well, Fred, I see you finally

got rid of all that old useless
furniture in this house.

But, what are you
still doing here?

Quick, son, get the Raid

so we can kill this
fungus before it multiplies.

Will you stop that?

Somebody robbed us, Aunt
Esther. They really cleaned us out.

Well, I guess that's
what they mean

by "good riddance
to bad rubbish."

I guess you're what
they mean when they say,

"Into each life,
some ugly must fall."

Watch it, sucker.

Now, I didn't come
here for no fight.

I just came for a little
donation for the church.

But it looks like I'm too late.

That's not true, Esther.

Put me down for 5.

Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!

Fred Sanford, $5.

Not $5, five knuckles!

Okay, old sinner.

But just remember tonight,

when you look around
this empty house,

just remember
that the Lord giveth

and the Lord taketh away.

Oh, glory!

And you remember, when
you look in the mirror tonight,

the Lord gave you that
face, and you stuck with it!

Oh, glory!


Why don't you stop that, Pop?

I mean, every time Aunt Esther
leaves here, she feels terrible.

Yeah, but I feel terrific.


What's happening, Rollo!
Hey, what's going on?

Hey, man, I see y'all got it
fixed up real nicely in here!

Put a mattress on the floor

and it'd look just like
Governor Brown's mansion.

Rollo, I have two
questions for you.

Yeah, Pops? What are they?

Where is my furniture and
where do you want to be buried?

What's the matter with you, Pop?

You have no right to accuse
Rollo of stealing our furniture.

You're right, son. I'm
sorry. Hey, that's okay.

I was just kidding, Rollo,

so I know you don't mind
telling me where you were tonight

between the hours of 6 and 9.

Six and nine? Hey,
man, I was at the movies.

And I saw this movie called
The Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

Aha! We got him now!
We got him now, son.

Well, now, look here.

That movie was only
an hour and a half long.

Now, where were
you from 7:30 to 9?

Oh, I had to sit
through it twice,

because there was some
old sucker in the front row

standing up, talking about
"Fungus this" and "Fungus that."

Hey, what's going on?

ROLLO: Hi, fuzz!

Bye, fuzz!

Hey, didn't y'all used
to have furniture in here?

Yeah, I told you on the phone,
brother, that we was robbed.

Oh? What did they take?

All our furniture.

They must have been desperate.

That's cold, brother.

See, we came home
from the movies.

This is the way
we found the place.

Well, we caught
some burglars tonight

and recovered a
lot of stolen property.

Now, why don't you come
down to the station with me.

Maybe you can
identify some of it.

That's a good idea.

Pop, stay here and make a
list of everything that's missing.

But what should I do in
case the robbers come back?

For what?

Here you are, Janet.
Thank you, Donna.

I hope Lamont was
able to convince Fred

that it was a real robbery.

Oh, don't worry about Lamont.

He's a real smooth talker.

Maybe with you he is,
because you're a sexy female,

but Fred's not.

Honey, Fred's
not a sexy nothing.


Oh! They're here.

Hi, Lamont. Hi,
Smitty. Come on in.

Hi, everybody.

Well, how'd it go? Did
your father fall for it?

Hook, line and sofa.

He doesn't suspect
we're in on it?


Is everything going
according to plan?

Just fine.

The sofa and the chairs
are being reupholstered now.

I just hope that old heathen

appreciates what
we're doing for him.

He will, Esther.

[LAUGHS] I know
Fred has his faults.

You can say that again.

But when a man celebrates
his 40th year in business,

well, that's something special.

It sure is.

But don't you think we should
have told his friend Bubba?

No way, honey.

If there's anybody
that can't keep a secret,

it's that loudmouth
Bubba Bexley.

Better known as
"Blabber" Bexley.

You know, I can't
wait to see Pop's face

when he gets his furniture
back and it's all been redone.


If we could just find some
way to redo his personality.

Say, Fred, do you know
what you're gonna say

to the insurance agent?

Don't worry, Bubba.

You in good hands
with Fred G. Sanford.

The "G" stands for Gibraltar.

And if he don't hurry
up and settle my claim,

I'm gonna give him
a piece of the rock.


Wonder who that could be.

Who's that? I don't know.

Mr. Sanford?

I'm Trild.

Oh, well, I'm delighted and
Bubba's pleased as punch.

[LAUGHS] I get that a lot.

I'm Frank Trild from
Instant Insurance of Idaho.

You sure do get here fast.

We pride ourselves on settling
claims quickly at the I.I. of I.

Well, good. Come on over
here and pull up a piece of junk.

Now, how much settling
have you settled on?

Well, according to what you
told our agent on the phone,

I'd say somewhere in
the neighborhood of $400.

I'd say that's the
wrong neighborhood.

Don't accept the offer, Fred.

Your stuff is worth
more than 400 bucks.

That's right, Mr. Trild.

My furniture was very valuable.

It was all early American.

So is an outhouse. [LAUGHS]

Could you be more
specific, Mr. Sanford?

All right. My
couch, for instance.

A rare family "hairloom."
Oh, you mean "heirloom."

Don't tell me what the
couch was stuffed with!

Tell him about your home
entertainment center, Fred.

Oh, I hardly think
an old record player

qualifies as a home
entertainment center.

But it was a rare antique!

Louis XV used to play records
on it for Marie Antoinette.

They didn't have record
players in Louis XV's day.

That's what made it so rare!

Do you really
expect me to believe

that Marie Antoinette
listened to records?

Loved Little Richard.

I see.

On the basis of
this new information,

I'm prepared to
make a revised offer.

Well, I knew you were
a wise, fair, thoughtful...


Double-crossing dummy.

I advise you to
ruminate on my offer.

Ruminate on this.

This is the final offer!

And this is my final refusal.

Yeah, and think it over, Trild.

Would you rather
pay a higher settlement

or a life insurance policy?

Well, what do you
mean, Mr. Bubba?

Fred has a bad
heart. Right, Fred?

Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah!

And $85 would really
give him a big heart attack.

Isn't that right, Fred?

You right, Bubba. I
feel it starting now.

Oh, here it comes!
Here it comes!

Oh! Oh!

I told you! I told you!

Mr. Sanford, I'll call a doctor!

It's too late! Call the police!

Call the fraud squad!

Call the insurance commissioner!

I'll give you the $400.

You got a deal.

We did it, Fred. We did it!

Yeah, you know we did, Bubba!

And look here, don't say
nothing to Lamont, Bubba,

because I wanna surprise him.

Sort of a 40th anniversary
of business present.

Don't worry about me,
Fred. I can keep a secret.


And Bubba, I can't wait
to see Lamont's face

when he sees what I'm gonna
do with the insurance money.

Yeah? What are
you gonna do, Fred?

I'm gonna buy a new
houseful of brand-new furniture.

Ooh! Will he be surprised!


What's that thing on your head?

What's it look like?

It looks like the welcome
mat at Cesar Romero's house.

Would you take that
off? You look ridiculous.

I ain't taking nothing off.

Come on in the house.
I got a surprise for you.

Well, how do you like it?

Yeah, it sort of left
me speechless too.

Pop, what is this?

Where did it come from?

Crushed Velvet City.

I bought it with the insurance
money from the stolen furniture.

Insurance money?

Pop, you shouldn't
have done that, man.

It was a real bargain!

Only cost me $400 to replace
everything that was robbed.


Pop, you made a big mistake.

You think it's too busy?

No, but we're
gonna be in trouble

when the insurance company
finds out they were robbed.

Who robbed the
insurance company?

You, me and all of our friends.

We're all accessories,
Pop, before, after and during.

What are you talking about?

I thought you'd be proud of me

swinging such a
wonderful deal here.

Pop, come over here
and sit down a minute.

I wanna explain
something to you, okay?

[GRUMBLES] Take my stuff...

Look, in honor of your 40th
year in the junk business,

I arranged for our friends,
while we was at the movies,

to take away all our furniture.

That was your present?

You robbed your own father?

Not to keep, Pop.

To repaint, repair and
reupholster, you know?

You'd do all that for me?

We all did that for you,
Pop, because we love you.

I'm glad, son, because now I
know you won't be mad at me

for keeping this
furniture I bought.

We can't keep
this furniture, man.

We gotta load it on the truck

and take it back to the
place that we bought it from.

Are you crazy? That
old stuff was tacky.

See, look around here.

Look at it.

What you see is me.

What I see are bars, Pop.

When the insurance
company finds out

that they paid off
on a phony claim,

we all going to jail.

Jail? That's right.

Jail? Well, what are you
standing there for, dummy?

Let's get this
junk on the truck!

Lift that end of the
couch! Now, come on!

How can you sit there like that?

This is the last straw.

It is? Well, I'll
wash it out for you.

Well, at least I got all the
furniture loaded on the truck.

Well, I'd say we did it in
pretty good time, didn't we?

What do you mean
"we"? I did all the work.

When you brought out the
lamp, didn't I bring the bulb?

Thanks for the bulb.

When you brought out the
sofa, didn't I carry all the pillows?

Thank you for the pillows.

When you brought out

the bed, the dresser
and the nightstand,

didn't I give you a hand?

No, you gave me a hernia.

You should be grateful.

It's not every son

that has a father
that'd help him like I do.

Pop, if you really
wanna help me,

call the insurance company and
have them send a man over here

so we can give
them their $400 back.

Okay. All right?

Hey, uh... hang
up the phone, Pop.

Hmm? Hang up the phone.

Well, what about the money

that belongs to the
insurance company?

We're not giving it back.

Now you're talking!

See, we'll split
that money 70/30

and then we'll get a story to
tell the insurance company.

We're not gonna make up a story.

We're not returning
the furniture

and not gonna give
the money back.

Why not?

Because somebody stole
the truck with the furniture on it.

While we were in here?


They must have
pushed it down the street

and then they started it.

Lamont, remember... You
remember when I had that last big one?


This is a bigger one!

Do you really expect me to
believe this incredible story?

It's the truth, Mr. Trild.

First, you report all
your furniture stolen.

Yeah. Well, my
father thought it was.

But you knew it wasn't.

But I didn't know
my father called you

until I saw the
furniture he bought

with the money
from the old furniture

which is now the new furniture.

You expect him to believe that?

All I know is this
furniture was never stolen

and you owe me $400, which
is a lot more than it's worth.

It's all my fault.

You see, at my age, the
mind plays tricks on you.

You know, sometimes I even
see things that aren't there.

Like family heirlooms or
home entertainment centers.

You see them too?

Look, Mr. Sanford, it's obvious
that you have been dishonest.

I.I. of I. does not
like to be cheated.

And I of me does
not like to be cheated.

You forced me to
accept a low settlement

while I was still upset
about the robbery.

Are you calling me a crook?

If the shoe fits,
shove it up your nose.


I got good news. I caught the
dude that ripped off your truck.

Hey, nice work,
Smitty. Where is he?

He's right outside.
Wait a minute.

Come on in.


No, it can't be! Sure!

Let me get to him!
I'll upholster his face!

Hey, wait a minute!
Hold on, Pop!

You got it all wrong, man!

Look here, I took the
truck but I didn't take it.

Took, take. What
difference does it make?

You're gonna die anyway.

Hold it, Fred. Let him finish.

Yeah, I can explain
it better outside.

I hope so, Rollo,
for all our sakes.

This better be good. That's
right. It better be good.


There it is, Pop.

In honor of your
40th year in business,

I had your truck all fixed up.

You did that for
me? He sure did.

And it looks great,
doesn't it, Pop?

Yeah, and that's
not my only gift.

Remember that old tacky
furniture that was in the back?

I sold it to my
cousin for $350, Jack.

$350? I'll settle!

You could have let
me put my hands on it.

Look at it this way:

The insurance
company has its money,

we got our furniture
back, better than ever.

Yeah, and a new
truck, thanks to Rollo.

I mean, they say you can't
teach an old dog new tricks,

but I sure changed
my mind about you.

You all right, Rollo.
Yeah, you all right too, Pop.

Don't make no big
deal of it. It was nothing

Nothing? Fixing up this
truck must have cost a fortune!

No, I'm just handy that way.

You're being modest, Mr. Rollo.

Those hubcaps cost $100 a piece.

I have some exactly like that
on my car. Let me show you!

Hey, man, I take your
word for it. I got to split.

Wait a minute! Why
don't we have a look?

Hey, man, look, some
other time. I got to go.

That CB setup
looks just like mine!

Hey, look, I got to go.

Will you hold on?

Hey, come on, Pop.
Let me go, Pops!

"Pops"? I bet I'll pop you
upside your crooked head.

He's not a crook, Fred.

I was with him when he
bought the hubcaps and the CB.

You were? Yeah.

You said you trusted him.

Yes, I did.

And that was today's
Bicentennial Minute.

Oh, come on, baby!

Sit down and relax.

Oh, I just can't
believe it, Janet.

I mean, I was gonna
take the truck in

to have it redone the old
way to make Pop happy,

and I went outside
and it was gone again.

Poor Dad.

I wonder how he's
gonna take the news

that he's been ripped
off a second time.

[SIGHS] I don't know.

Hey, this sure smells
good. What is it?

I'm not sure. I
found it in the icebox.

I think it's menudo.


What is that?

JANET: What is that?

Anybody wanna peel out
and burn rubber with me

in my new set of wheels?