Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 16 - Fred Sanford Has a Baby - full transcript

A very pregnant woman rents Lamont's room for the week he's away on a fishing trip.

Well, Pop, I'm all
ready to go fishing, man.

That's great, son.

Mexico, one week. Great.

With Rollo.

You know, Rollo
could catch anything.

I know it.

I've seen some of the
girls he goes out with.

What you gonna be
doing while I'm gone, Pop?

Well, I've figured
out a schedule, here,

for every day of the week.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm just glad

you're not gonna pull

that old heart
attack routine on me.

Let me take a look at that, Pop.

Okay, "Monday, join the
Lonely Old Men's Club.

"Tuesday, call the hospital
and send for an ambulance."

"Wednesday, pull the
old heart attack routine."

I'm gonna tell you
something, Pop.

I'm not gonna go for it, man,

because I haven't had
a vacation in a long time,

and I'm not gonna let
you ruin this one for me.

You're right, son.

I mean, you've
been working hard,

and you deserve some time off.

I mean that.

Well, what you gonna
do while I'm gone?

To keep yourself busy, I mean.

What do you mean,
keep myself busy?

Well, I really don't expect you

to make any money
on the business

while I'm gone.


You don't expect me
to make any money

while you're gone?

How do you...

Where do you think I
got all this stuff from,

the good fairy?

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'll bet you $20
that while I'm gone,

you don't make one cent
profit on this business.

I won't make any
profit. Are you kidding?

Listen, I am the big
biz whiz of Watts.

You're the big biz
whiz of Watts, huh?

Allow me to introduce myself...

J. Paul Ghetto.

So it's a bet?

20 bucks.

Bet to you.

Come on in!


Hey, Pops, how's it going?

Uh, everything will be in order,

as soon as you have
crossed the border.

Hey, man, why don't
you dig yourself?

Hey, man, it's cool.

It just goes in one
ear and out the other.

That's because you ain't
got nothing in your head

to slow it down.

Hey, come on,
Rollo, let's go, man.

Yeah. Bon voyage, Pops.

So long, Pop.

And "bon garbage" to you too.

We don't have time for that.

We're going fishing.

Nobody botherin' me.


Me not making any
money while you gone...

I won't make no profit.

Shucks, I can make
money just like that...

Well, I can make money fast.

All I have to do
is, uh... is, uh...

And then I'll, uh...

And after I finish doing...

Before I do anything,
I'll watch some TV.

I got it!

Fred G. Sanford. G
must be for "genius."

Hello. Is this the L.A. Times?

Let me speak to Ellie.

Hello, Ellie? This
is Fred Sanford.

Yeah, I want to put
another ad in paper...

about a room. Yeah.

Uh, "Manly furnished
room for rent.

"Separate and
equal toilet privileges.

"On a clear day, you
can see the window.

"One week only. 20 bucks."


No, no, no, it's not
for Sanford Arms.

I'll give you a clue.

Uh, when you want
yourself some extra money,

rent out the room that
belonged to your sonny.

Yeah. Bye.

♪ Gets along From
May to December ♪

♪ And... the days... ♪

one plant of new life... News.


..deploying all combat
forces from Thailand...



I'll get it! I'll get... Oh.

Hello, Fred.


Your lip's as cold as ice.

Well, come and help
me thaw them out.

Oh, wait a minute, Fred.

I just stopped by after work.

May I come in?

Sure, come on in.

Uh, now, let's see...



Oh, about the room.

Well, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, you're a trucker,

and you want the
room for one night?

Well, keep on truckin'.

What was that all about?

Well, see, I got a
bet with Lamont.

He bet me that I
wouldn't make no money

while he was in Mexico.

You know, so I'm
gonna rent his room out.

Oh, honey, now, is that fair?


At 20 bucks a week?

Let's see, where were we?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, see there?

Between the chin and the nose

is where the lips goes.


Hey, go away!

Fred... The
occupant is occupied!

Fred, answer the door.

Answer the door.

Oh, just my kind of luck.

Knockus interruptus.


Uh, how are the both of you?

Um, are you Fred G. Sanford?

Yes, and the G is
not for "gynecologist."

Uh, where's your husband?

Oh, he's, well... Fred...

invite the young lady in.

Uh, come in...

But, see, I won't be
able to rent you the room

in your condition. Why not?

Well, you know, I
hate surprise packages,

and looks like she's
figuring to come unwrapped.

Sit down, honey.

Thank you.

What's your name?


Oh, Louella, that's
a pretty name.

When's your baby due?

In about six weeks.

Oh, see, Fred, you got
nothing to worry about.

What if the baby
ain't got no calendar?

Please, honey, just one week.

Aw, she needs kindness,

and you're a kind, kind man.

Okay, kindly take the
first room on the left.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sanford.

Oh, I don't want that.

Don't do that to me.

All right, Bubba, you
wanted to play Scrabble.

Go on and move.

Oh, don't rush me, Fred.

Well... why don't you
go on and give up?

No, Fred.

Hey, looks like I
got something here.

Yeah. Let me see, here.

I got a seven-letter word.

Wow! A 50-point word,
and I win the game.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute, Bubba.

Ain't no such word as "gezinta."

Sure there is.

No, wait a minute, I told you,

and I ain't gonna
tell you no more,

there's no such
word as "gezinta."

There is so.

It's an arithmetic word.



Two gezinta four.
Four gezinta eight...

Are you kidding?
You're trying to cheat.

I ain't going for that stuff.

And five goes-inta your lips.

Hi, Mr. Sanford. Mr. Bexley.

Oh, hi.

How's the Scrabble game going?

I won.


See, two gezinta four...

Will you shut up, Bubba!

I made some dessert for you.

Oh, good.

Get that phone for me.


Oh, yeah.

Long distance from Mexico.


Uh, hello?

Hey, Pop, who was that girl
that just answered the phone?

I can't understand. It
must be a bad connection.

Well, there's no bad connection.

I know a bad
connection when I hear it.

Listen, honey, would you
connect me with my son.

There must be some trouble here.

Would you stop it. Now,
a girl answered the phone.

There's a girl in
that house with you,

and I would like
to know who it is.

Son, it ain't no girl.
It's, uh, it's Bubba.


Yes, Bubba.

Hello, Lamont.

How are you, darling?

I'll talk to you
later, Son. Bye.

Thank you, Bubba.

You're welcome, sweetheart.

Oh, shut up.

Dessert'll be ready
in just a second.

You know, Fred,
Louella's a nice person.

She is nice.

You know, for
the last three days,

she's been fixing my food

and scrubbing the floors

and the windows and everything.


Yeah, but Fred, she's
gonna deliver a baby.

Well, what she does
in her spare time,

I ain't got nothing
to do with that.

I made your
favorite, Mr. Sanford.

No, you didn't.

Wow. Chocolate sundae

with whipped cream and nuts
and a married Chinese cherry.

Oh, wow!

Yup, it's got all that in it,

plus it's got one
of my favorites in it.

Well, I think I'm
going to bed now.



Goodnight, Louella. Thanks.

Hey, she does have
one of her favorites in it.


You want my pickle?

No. You want mine?

Mr. Sanford?

Mr. Sanford...
Mr. Sanford, wake up.

Wake up, Mr. Sanford.

Wake up, I think it's time.

Yes. The late show.
Turn it on. Turn it on.

No, Mr. Sanford, I'm
talking about my baby.

Turn it off. Turn it off.

I can't help it.

The pains are coming
closer and closer together.

Mine too.

Oh, Mr. Sanford.

This might be the big one.

Oh, Mr. Sanford, please.

Well, sit down.

I'll call Donna. She'll
know what to do.

Donna's not home, and
Lamont's got the truck.

Hello, operator.

Emergency, get me
the police, please.

There's about to be a breakout.

Come in! Come in!

Yeah, send them over to 92...

Wow. That sure was fast.

Yeah. Buenos
noches, Mr. Sanford.

Listen, I was just
cruising by in my cruiser,

and I thought it unusual

that your lights burning
this late at night, so...

Yeah, Hoppy, I'm in big trouble.

Uh, Louella.

Oh, how do you do, Louella?
Officer Hopkins, L.A.P.D.

Our motto, "Protect and Serve,"

but I see it's too
late to protect.

So... How can I serve you?

She's going to have
a baby any minute.

We've gotta get
her to the hospital.

You mean now?
She's gonna have...

Yeah, let's get
her to the hospital.

Well, once again, into
the breech, dear friends...

Oh, no!

No, I didn't mean that.

Uh, do you have
a bag or something

that you'd like to...?

I'll move that chair.

Ah, here it is.

Oh, golly, Louella,

I can't tell you
how thrilled I am

to be a part of this.

If it'll make you
feel any better,

I am specially trained
to deliver a child

should the emergency arise,

and since the
emergency has arisen,

I want you to know that
I'm gonna react to this

in just the way I
was prepared to do.

Attention. Attention, please.

This is Officer
Hopkins speaking!

I radioed ahead
for a wheelchair.

Oh, yes. There it is.

Sir, that chair is to take the
lady into the delivery room.

Okay, well, just me... Get
me one of them stretchers.

Just get right in there.

Here, take this.

Don't mash the baby.

Okay, well, well, Mr. Sanford,

I've... I've got to get
back to my beat now,

so I'll just leave you to
handle everything here,

and I will handle
everything out there.

Sir, would you come
over here, please?

For what?

There are some forms
I'd like you to fill out.

I just brought you a form here,

took nine months to fill out.

Your name, please.

Fred G. Sanford.

G is for "Goodbye."

Mr. Sanford...

What is your
relationship to the patient?

I didn't touch that woman.

You mean you're not the husband?

No, there is no husband.


Mr. Sanford, I have
to ask some questions

when a woman comes
to us out of wedlock.

I don't care if the woman
came out of El Segundo.

Don't look at me.

Now, I have the patient
listed here as Louella Evans.

Do you know what the
name of the father is?

Uh... Chickened Out.

Listen, buddy, I've
had a long, hard day.

I've seen broken bones,

bruises, contusions,
and fractures,

and the last thing I
need is a cranky old man

who ought to sue Mother Nature
for malpractice of the mouth.

I really don't need
none of your lip,

Mrs. Florence Nightenbuzzard.

I didn't ask to be here.

I'm not surprised.

You're probably not
asked to go anywhere.

Wait a minute.

Didn't I see you on
TV in Medical Story?

Didn't you play a bedpan?

Now, why don't you just
go into the waiting room,

pick up a magazine,

and stuff it in your mouth.

Hey, buddy, give me a cigarette.

Yeah, sure.


Hey, man!

You really are nervous.

This your first one?

No, I've been smoking for years.

This is my third.
It's always the same.

Here, have a cigar.

Take two.

No, really, man,

is your wife really
having a baby?

At your age?

No, see, it's not my wife.

It's just a girl who's
living with me.

You're kidding.

You sly old buzzard, you.

No, wait a minute.
You got me wrong.

Let me explain it to you. See...

Mr. Sanford...

Would you step over here?

Excuse me, fellas.

Now, you are the acting father

for the Evans baby.

I ain't acting for
no-no-no baby.

Let him watch TV like
all the rest of the kids.

Since the real
father is missing,

I have to give you a lesson

in how to change the baby.

Into what?


Pick up the diaper, stretch it.

Pick the child up,
set her in the center,

a little powder, pull through.

Turn this down.

Now, pick up the tape and press,

and pick up the tape
on this side and press.

Now, you try it.

All right.

Jump up on the table.

Well, I never!

Not with anybody
in his right mind.

Change that baby!

What are you doing?

Take off the...

Put the baby in the
center, and powder it...

Mr. Sanford... Mr. Sanford!

And then... That's enough!

You take the baby, and put...

No... Take off the tape.

What are you doing?

And pull... Off the tape...

Congratulations, Mr. Sanford,

it's a baby boy.

Hey, how about that!

Congratulations, man!

A man your age.

Still virile.


Still got what it takes!

Still hot stuff!


What do you say,
Mr. Sanford, huh?

What do you say?

Have a cigar.

Have a cigar.

How about that.

Hey, man, I said I was sorry.

Just keep your
voice down, Rollo.

It's 3:00 in the morning,
and besides that,

I'm a little upset
about what happened.

Hey, man, I'm sorry.

I want to tell you, man,
my idea of a double date

is not a girl for you
and her mother for me.

I mean, you get the hot tamale,

and I get the chili dog.

What was that?

I don't know. I
thought it was you.

Hello, son. Hello, Rollo.

Hey, Pop. Goodbye, Rollo.


Ooh, I'll see you, son.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Yeah, son. Shh,
not too much noise.

What are you doing?

I'm testing this.


Shh! Shh!

Pop, what are you
doing down here

in the middle of the
night with a baby bottle?

Son, if I told you, you
ain't gonna believe me.

I'll tell you.

See, this afternoon, at
exactly quarter after 4:00,

Bubba started his
second childhood.

You're right, I
don't believe you.

Well, I can't lie to you, son.

There's a baby in the house.

No kidding.

Yeah, I can explain it, though.

It's my fault, but
I can explain...

Oh, hello, Lamont.

You mean to tell me

you and Donna had a baby?

I don't believe it.

Come on, Lamont.

Uh, Listen, but we have
something to tell you.

Don't tell me. Tell the
Guinness Book of Records.

Lamont... While you were away,

your father rented your
room out to a young lady,

and she had a baby.

Oh, thank you.

She had a baby in my room?

No, son, she didn't have
the baby in the room,

she had the baby
at the hospital,

and we brought her
and the baby home.

Well, how long
they gonna be here?

Uh, not long. How long?

U-u-until the baby
graduates from high school.

I'll get it.

Is this the Sanford residence?


I'm Don Evans,
Louella's husband.

Oh... it's the invisible man.

The hospital told me
she was staying here.

Where is she?

She's upstairs.
First room to the left.

Well, congratulations, Pop.

Congratulations for what?

You've reached the bottom, man.

Not only did you rent my room

without asking my permission,

but you rented it to
a girl for one week

when you know she
needed longer than that,

and now that I'm back home,
what's the poor girl gonna do?

You don't care
about anything, Pop.

You don't care about nothing.

I do care, son...

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, well, I...

Mr. Sanford, I owe
you my gratitude.

Oh, you don't owe me nothing.

Yes, I do.

You see, last week,

Louella and I had
a terrible argument,

and I let her leave the
house without stopping her.

I was just stupid.

If it weren't for you,

I hate to think what might
have happened to her.

Well, what did he
do? He took your $20.

No, Lamont, I think
you ought to know

that your father went
with Louella to the hospital

in the middle of the night,

stayed with her until
the baby was born,

visited her and
brought her home again,

without knowing when or if
her husband would show up.

Well, she deserved it.

I mean, after all, she
was renting a room here.

Mr. Sanford, thanks
for everything.

Louella and I are
going to leave now.

I love you, Mr. Sanford.

I don't like that stuff.

Watch the baby's back. Okay.

Hey, hey, just-just-
just wait a minute.

Just a moment.

I almost forgot. My $20?

Hey, Pop, I don't
think you should...

Hey, you keep out of this, now.

I'll handle this myself.

Here you go.

Yeah, thank you very much.

You see, son,

I did make a profit
while you was in Mexico,

so you lose your bet.

Here. Here's
something for the baby.

Come on. Come
on. Take it. Take it.

A-and, son, you mind
paying the bet off now?

It'll be my pleasure, Pop.

All right, then.

Here you go.

And here's something
from my son for the baby.


Buy something nice for him.

Thank you both. Goodbye, now.

Hey, Pop, you're something else.

Now, wait a minute, son,
you'll mash my cigars.

Here, have a cigar.

All right.

Donna, have a cigar.

Ah, what the hell.

Oh, hi, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Donna.
Hey, look at this.

I got a telegram from
Louella and Don Evans

naming Pop the
godfather of their baby.

How about that?

Oh! Isn't that wonderful.


Say, does Fred know
he's the godfather?


He knows.

He knows.

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