Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 17 - The TV Addict - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hey, here you go, Grady.

Hey, hey. Thanks.

Turn 'em on.

Yep.

Boy, this is going
to be great, Fred.

That sure was a good idea,

you asking me to
bring my set over

so that we can watch the
monsters and the soap operas

at the same time.

Yeah. That's what I
call good living, Grady.



Yeah. Plenty of beer
and potato chips...

and two TV sets...
One for each eye.

TV ANNOUNCER: And
now channel 12 presents...

Here we go, Grady. Yeah.

Return of the Vampire,
starring Bela Lugosi.

I missed that one, Grady.

Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah, now, that's...

That's the one with
the surprise ending.

I like surprise endings.

Well, if you like
surprise endings,

you're going to love this one.

This is the one where
the 50-year-old man

turns out to be
a 28-year-old girl.



Just wait until you see this.

Whoa, what a surprise.

It's just...

Hello, son.

Pull up a chair.

Hey, man, what's going on here?

First, you watch
one television set.

Now you're watching
two television sets.

What'll you do
tomorrow? Watch three?

There's a whole
article in here, Pop,

about people who
have heart conditions

just like yourself...

And you want to know what
the best thing for them is?

To move their dummy
son out the way of the TV,

and the sooner the better.

No, Pop.

Exercise.

Exercise?

That's right. Exercise.

You know, like, uh... um...

push-ups, chin-ups, sit-ups.

Why don't you try some shut-ups?

That was something, Fred.

You get that, Lamont?

He didn't like
you yelling at him,

so he told you to shut up
in his funny little old way.

He's such a...

Grady, don't you know it's
polite to remove your bowl

when you come into
somebody's house?

The article in here
is all about exercise

for heart patients
like yourself,

and it was written
by a brilliant doctor.

I'd like for you
to read it, Pop.

I don't need to read it.

I get plenty of exercise.

Where do you get exercise?

At funerals, being pallbearer

for all my friends
who exercised.

Now, listen to this, Pop.

The article says that
people that are inactive

run twice the risk of
having heart attacks

as other people.

Well, I... I'm not inactive.

Well, what do you call
sleeping 12 hours a day

and watching television
12 hours a day?

I call that a balanced day.

What do you call it
when a guy shovels snow

and drops dead in his driveway?

Pop, nobody's asking
you to shovel snow, man.

I'm just asking you

to move around a little bit.

Get the blood
circulating, move around.

Okay, okay, okay.

Here, hold that Grady.

I'll move around for ya.

[TURNS VOLUME UP, MUSIC PLAYING]

[TURNS TV OFF]

I'm serious, Pop.

Now, I checked over at the YMCA,

and they got an exercise
program over there.

What channel is it on?

I'll turn it on, and
we can watch it.

And starting tomorrow,

we're going to take
long walks together

every day.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

I'm sorry, but I have a
previous engagement.

With who? Moses.

They're showing part three
of The Ten Commandments

on Channel 14.

Yeah, from "Thou
Shalt Not Steal"

to "Thou Shalt Not
Covet Thy Neighbor's Ox...

or his Ass".

All right, the day after, then.

Oh, the day after, no.
I'll be busy then too.

See, I've got an appointment
with Oral Roberts on television.

Oh yeah.

Oral Roberts is going to heal

your father's
calluses on his feet.

How is Oral Roberts

going to heal your calluses

when you'll be here?

Well, I'm going
to stand on the TV

Let me put it to
you another way...

Just when do you
think you'll be ready

to start taking these exercises?

You know, when
will you be available?

Well, let me see.

Now, this is Friday.

There's Friday, Saturday,
Sunday, Monday...

October, November...

I can give you the exact
date that I'll be available.

May one.

Listen, just get away
from this television set.

No, no. What do you mean
get away from the TV set?

Exactly what I said.

Get away from the TV set.

Don't do that.

No. Don't do that.

Would you stop that?

What do you mean "stop it"?

This is my set.

This is my set.

How do you figure it's your set?

I paid for the set.

Well, I'm the one that does
the watching all the time.

I got squatter's rights.

That ain't got nothing
to do with the set.

I paid for the set...

Now... now, wait
a minute, y'all.

Th... this set's my set.

Now, don't get in
no family argument.

You'll get hurt bad,
getting in a family argument.

[TV BEING CLICKED OFF]

FRED: Don't do that.

Now, we're talking about...

[CLICKS TV OFF] Don't do that.

We're talking about my set.

Don't put my set on.

What do you mean, "your set"?

Just what I said.

It's mine. It's not yours.

I paid for this set.

Just don't put your hand
on this set no more...

Oh, no!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Hey, listen, son,

this is he third
day without no TV.

When are you
going to get it fixed?

As soon as you start taking
those exercise classes.

How come you ain't
sitting in your chair?

Because that's my
television-watching chair,

and I ain't gonna sit in it
until I'm watching television.

All right. Suit yourself.

Wait a minute.

I said that that is my
television-watching chair.

Now, you sit down
somewhere else.

I'm sitting here.

Why don't you stop
acting like a 2-year-old?

You're just trying to get
out of taking those exercises.

No, I ain't, son.

It's because I miss
my loved ones.

What are you talking about, Pop?

I love Lucy, and
I love Miss Kitty,

and Josephine the Plumber,

and that girl
with the full figure

who don't believe
she's wearing a girdle...

and that weird...

that weird guy who's
always in the supermarket

squeezing toilet paper.

[KNOCKING]

Hello there, Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, how are you?

How you doing, Hoppy?

Well, I'm on my
dinner break, Fred,

and, uh, I know
you usually watch

the Hollywood Squares about now.

Yeah, usually.

Anyway, my idol, the
honorable Mr. Jack Webb,

is making his debut tonight.

He'll be sitting on top
of Karen Valentine.

If you want to see
your idol tonight,

the great Jack Webb,

then you'll have to go
somewhere and pick him up,

and bring him over here,
and fold him up real small,

and shove him in the
TV viewer to see him.

Holy cow! What happened here?

This is a two-O-six.
This is malicious damage.

I'm going to have to initiate
a step-by-step investigation.

All right, let's start
from the beginning.

Well, it was an accident,

but we're not getting it fixed.

See, my pop is supposed
to start taking exercises

but he can't stop
watching television.

I can give it up
any time I get ready.

I just ain't been ready.

Now, you said
you could give it up

any time you wanted to.

That is a bad sign.

Well, what do you mean, Hoppy?

Well, I've been reading
this pamphlet recently

entitled "How to
Recognize an Alcoholic."

You don't know how to
recognize an alcoholic?

Well, when you see a guy

trying to put his shoes
on over his head,

he's an alcoholic.

Well, that's not what
it said in the pamphlet.

It said that one sure sign
to recognize an alcoholic

is if a man says he
can give up drinking

any time he wants
to, but he doesn't.

Now, that is you, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, wait a minute, Hoppy.
Pop's not an alcoholic.

I know. He's a tele-holic...

hooked on television.

That's your opinion,

and you have a
right to your opinion.

Now may I give you mine?

Go ahead. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Wait a minute, Pop.

I think Hoppy's right, man.

Yo... you get depressed

if you don't watch television.

Yeah. Maybe you're right, son.

And I think he is
right, Mr. Sanford.

You've got to stop
hitting the tube.

Yeah, he's right, Pop.

There's no difference
between you and a person

that's hooked on
cigarettes or alcohol.

You're an addict, Pop.

You're a TV addict, Jack.

You've got a
peacock on your back.

A peacock.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I'm an addict.

Oh, did you hear
that, Elizabeth?

I'm coming to join you, honey.

I'm hooked on color television.

Oh, honey, it won't be
hard to recognize me.

I'll be the one with
the bird on my back.

Oh, God.

Lamont's right about you

not taking care
of yourself, Fred.

That's why I came here
to fix this meal for you.

Well, Donna, I...

I don't like that old
low-castor-oil stuff.

That's low cholesterol,
and you should like it.

You should stay away from things

like fried foods,
butter, egg yolks...

Egg yolks? Mm-hmm.

You take away the egg yolk,

that's the best part of it.

Take away the yolk,

there ain't nothing left
but that old slippery stuff.

Hey, listen, honey,

maybe I shouldn't be
watching television all the time.

Of course.

You agree?

Certainly, I agree.

Maybe after dinner,

we can do something
else besides watch TV.

Like what?

Yeah! Fred!

No, what I mean is, like, uh...

maybe Lamont is
right about me needing

more exercise, more activity.

I need to bend,

I need to twist, you
know what I mean?

I need to bend and twist,

and get all relaxed,

and that will give me
some rest and everything.

That's right, Fred.

Uh, well, then, I
thought we might...

No, Fred.

Honey, you know,

when a man gets that
urge... LAMONT: Pop!

When a man gets the call...

LAMONT: Hey, Pop!

I think you're
getting that call, Fred.

I think I'm gonna
cancel that call.

We're in here, Lamont.

Why did you tell
him we're in here?

He's your son.

Well, that was an accident.

Oh, hi, Donna. Hi, Lamont.

Hey, listen, son,

you remember when you
was a little boy like this,

and you used to come to me

to get some money
to go to the movies,

and I wouldn't give
you none? Yeah.

Well, I changed my mind.

Go to the movies and
get you some popcorn,

and see the show twice.

You ain't in the movies yet?

Just come on in the
living room, all right?

Go on, Fred.

Oh, I'll go in the living room.

Uh, Pop,

I'd like for you to
meet... Mr. Simmons.

Your son's told
me a lot about you.

Yeah, well, by now
you ought to know

I don't want you in my house.

Wait a minute now, Pop.

Don't go jumping to
no conclusions now.

Mr. Simmons is going to
make you a very happy man.

He is? That's right.

Oh. You're the TV repair man.

Well, here's the TV
right here, Mr. Simmons.

I think you should
know I'm a hypnotist.

I wouldn't care if you
was a gynecologist, man,

if you was going to fix the TV.

No, Mr. Sanford, I'm
not here to fix the TV.

I'm here to fix you.

Look here, I... I
don't need no fixing.

Listen, I didn't intend to have
no more dummies anyway.

Fred, will you be serious?

Now, uh, Mr. Simmons,

exactly what is it
you're planning to do?

Uh, well, I have been retained
by young Mr. Sanford here

to, uh, cure his
father's addiction

with hypnosis.

Yeah. You see, Pop,
Mr. Simmons is a graduate

of the El Segundo
Institute of Hypnosis.

Correct, and in the past,

I have helped smokers
and alcoholics with hypnosis,

and maybe I can do
something for your TV addiction.

Lamont, get this swami
back down to Capistrami.

Mr. Sanford, hypnosis is
a widely respected concept

with unlimited potential
to benefit mankind.

That's the same thing they
said about social security.

Would you just relax?

Now just sit down, okay?

Sit down and relax.

Let Mr. Simmons talk to you.

Go ahead.

We don't want you

to stop watching television
all together, Mr. Sanford.

It's just that I feel that
with my experience

and the knowledge I've
gained through years of training

at good ol' El Segundo,

that I can help you cut down.

Listen, son, now if I go
along with this here stuff,

will you get the
TV fixed tomorrow?

First thing in the morning, Pop.

And you'll get me
a cable put on it

so that I can watch roller
derby on that Spanish station?

Anything you want.

Then... then I'll try it.

All right, fine.

Now, um, let's begin. [SNORES]

LAMONT: Will you stop that?

Fred!

Someone call?

You hypnotized me, Mr. Simmons.

Now, Lamont, get
the TV fixed tomorrow.

I'm gonna tell you...

Now either do this thing right,

or just forget about
getting that TV fixed.

I mean that. Fred, come on.

Give him a chance.

It's for your own benefit.

All right, now.

I'm gonna go through
this when it's time,

but I don't want
no parade of people

waving watches
in front of my face.

Okay, fine. All right, now...
now go ahead, Mr. Simmons.

Well, I might as
well tell you now,

I don't believe in
this hypnosis stuff.

Well, a lot of people don't,
and it's understandable.

Now just watch the watch.

No, that ain't no trouble
watching a watch.

I don't blame you, really.

If you feel like
relaxing, please do.

Hypnosis is not something
that's easily believed.

Watch the watch.

Watch the watch.

Is he hypnotized, Mr. Simmons?

I think so, but I'm
not sure how deeply.

Mr. Sanford, can you hear me?

I hear you.

Good.

Then walk towards the door.

Walk towards the door.

Uh, not that door,
the other door.

The other door. Far enough.

That's just about far enough.

[THUD]

Good. Too far.

Good. Now turn around.

Turn around.

Uh, stop. Good.

Now, just one more test,

and I think we're
ready to begin.

Mr. Sanford, your
left arm is very heavy.

Heavy.

You will attempt to raise it,

but it will be
extremely difficult,

almost impossible.

Mr. Sanford,
raise your left arm.

You can't. It's too heavy.

Now it's light as a feather.

♪ And would I be
sure That this is love ♪

♪ Beyond compare ♪

♪ Would all this be true ♪

♪ If I didn't Care for you? ♪♪

He's ready.

Ready Freddy.

I'm Ready Freddy
and Donna's my steady.

You are getting tired, Fred.

You are getting
more and more tired.

Not tonight, Donna.

I'm too tired.

Now I'm going to try some
post-hypnotic suggestion.

Mr. Sanford,
listen to me closely.

When you wake up,

every time you
think of television,

you will feel very hot.

Very hot.

Whenever you look at television,

or watch a television show,

or even look at a
television guide,

or talk about television,

you will feel very, very hot.

Very, very hot.

Good.

Now wake up at
the count of three.

One... two... three.

Hey, man, if you ain't
gonna hypnotize me,

why don't you leave my house?

All right. I'll leave. Yes.

Goodbye, Mr. Sanford.
It's been nice meeting you.

Uh, thanks a lot, Mr. Simmons.

Keep in touch, Lamont. Okay.

Well, ho... how
do you feel, Pop?

I'd feel swell, son,

if you'd just get
this TV to work

and cut that heat
down some. Fred?

How about something to eat?

Don't bother about
cooking nothing.

Just, uh, uh, defrost a
couple of them TV dinners...

Whew... a couple
of them TV dinners...

No TV dinners, Fred.

Now, you're going
to have a real meal.

Yeah, of course. Let's eat.

I'll... I'll just go
upstairs, then.

Yeah.

Now, Fred, you
just stay out here

and be comfortable,
and I'll get...

I'll get dinner, all right?

Okay, honey.

Whew.

Where's...

Fred?

Would you like a
roll or a slice of rye?

Roller... roller...
Roller derby!

What?

Now just bring me a
cold glass of ice water.

Here, Fred.

Here... what's... Here...
here's your water.

Yeah. Wha... what...

Yeah. Get me another one.

Oh! And get me a block of ice.

Lamont!

Lamont, you'd better
call Mr. Simmons.

It's an emergency.

Emergency?

What day is that on?

DONNA: Please, Mr. Simmons.

Bring him out of it.

Look what this
post-hypnotic suggestion

is doing to him.

All right, Mr. Sanford,
at the count of three...

one, two, three.

You feel all right, Pop?

Yeah. Man, why don't
you get out of my house

with that old post-hypnotic
suggestion stuff?

Gladly, gladly.

And, uh... I am sorry.

And listen here, Lamont.
Let me tell you something.

Fred, don't start
picking on Lamont.

He was only
trying to help you...

He was only trying
to help you, as I was,

and you'd do well to
try and help yourself.

Now, listen.

Donna, why are you getting mad?

Because you... yo... you...

We care for you, that's why,

and you're not helping
anybody to care for you.

Good night.

You know... you know,
Pop, I think she was right.

I know she's right, and
I know you're right, son,

but I can't help myself.

I just... I got a TV...
I'm a TV addict.

Just get the TV
fixed for me tomorrow.

This will all be done.

I'm tired of doing this.

What are you doing?

I'm pretending I'm
watching television.

What are you... What
are you watching?

Right now I'm watching
The Wide World of Junk.

Hey, Pop, come on down here.

I've got something
I want to show you.

Pop!

Okay, okay.

I'm coming.

Well, what is it you
got to show me?

Surprise.

You got it fixed! Yeah.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, you're a nice son.

Now, nice son, I'm
going to turn it on.

Tut, tut, tut, tut.

There's one small condition.

A condition? Yeah, you see,

from now on when
you're watching television,

you won't be watching it alone,

they'll always be someone
here watching it with you.

Oh, I don't mind that, son.

I like company.
Now, where is he?

You ready?

Oh, son. Don't do that.

Get that picture off of there.

I can't look at TV

with Esther's old
picture up there.

Oh. I'm sorry,
Pop. I can't do that.

It's a package deal, man.

If you want to watch television,

that picture goes with it.

Okay, okay, I'll try.

Yeah, good.

All right, all right, son.

All right. I'll exercise.

I'll exercise. Good.

Now, that's the way

I like to hear my old man talk.

I'll exercise, son.

I'll start right now.

Hey, come on,
Pop. Let's go, man.

Okay son, I'm coming.

You ready to go? Yeah.

Well, how long is
this going to take?

We'll go around the block
a couple of times, you know.

I know you don't
want to do this, Pop.

The least I can do,

since I got rid of
Esther's picture,

is give you a couple of
minutes of my TV time.

I want you to know
that what you're doing

takes a lot of
strength of character.

Yeah, strength of character.

Let's go. Let's jog.

You old fool!

Door number three!
Door number three!

[♪♪♪]