Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Party Crasher - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

♪ I'm going to Kansas City ♪

♪ Kansas City, here I come ♪

♪ They got some
pretty Little women... ♪

♪ And I'm going to get me one ♪

Wow!

♪ Kansas City come tomorrow ♪

♪ Twelfth Street and Vine ♪♪

Hey, Pop. What's that I smell?

Oh, it's a whole weekend
of good eating here.

It's a French dish
that I learned to cook



from the Galloping Gourmet.

You wanna know what it's called?

No.

Uh, Beef Borjaninanini.

Look here, smell it.

Oooh! That is strong.

Oh, that's the onion you smell.

See, it's got 18 onions in it.

Well, how come it's
got so many onions in it?

Well, see, that's the way
the French like to cook.

You know the funny way
they talk through their nose?

[NASALLY] Oui, monsieur.
Bonjour, monsieur.

Well, see, them onions in there

help open up their sinuses.



Yeah, well, just keep
the lid on it, man,

because you're smelling
up the whole house.

It's not my cooking that's
smelling up the house.

That's you smelling
up the house.

What's that you got
on? That foo-foo juice?

It's a new men's cologne.

Still smell like foo-foo juice.

Hey, man, it's
the latest thing out

and it's called Slinky,

because it slinks
across the room

and sneaks up on the womens, ah.

Yeah, it might slink,
but it still stinks.

They should have
called it Stinky Slinky.

Say, why you
wearing that, anyway?

Hey, man, all the uptown
dudes are wearing it.

Rollo gave it to me.
He ought to know.

Oh, what you talking about,

Rollo gave it to you?

Rollo ain't no uptown
dude. He's a downtown dud.

Anyway, why you
always hang out with him?

You just trying to
start an argument, Pop,

because you don't dig Rollo.

Well, Rollo is my partner
and he knows where it's at.

Well, I don't care if
he knows where it's at,

long as he's where
it's at... ain't here.

You don't have to
worry about that.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

I'll get it.

Yeah, slink on out there,
stinky, and get the door.

Hey, Rollo!

I see you got yourself
a few new threads.

No, baby, this is
the whole spool.

Hey, man, what's the occasion?

Hey, well, I won so much

playing poker the other night

that it burned holes

in the pockets of my old ones

so I had to buy some new ones.

I bet it cost a lot of bread.

Yeah, I was handing
it out by the loaf.

Hey, but lookee here:

The celebration has just begun.

What are you doing tonight?

Nothing. Wrong.

You talked me into it.

Hey, we're gonna have a ball.

I got it all laid out.

Hey, baby, I'm all ears.

You better be,

because I got two wild
ones in, just from Detroit.

Ooh, Sin City!

Yes, indeed. These two
gave it that reputation.

Definitely did.

They are two sisters
who are thirsty, sexy,

and ready to enjoy.

You... You better
get on outta here.

Just tell me the
where and the when.

I already know how.

Hey! The ball is on!
I'm with you, brother!

Then "when" is
tonight! I'm still with you!

The "where" is here!
You just lost me.

I knew it was too
good to be true.

What's wrong?

How come we can't
have it at your place?

Aw, man, we can't
have nothing like that at...

You know, at my place.

It's too small.

Yeah, but it's not gonna
work having it here, Rollo.

Hey, man, sure it will.

You got the kitchen for
the booze and the snacks,

you got the big living
room for the party,

and you got all other
kind of room for privacy.

Privacy?!

You can't have no privacy
with my old man around.

If you locked yourself in the
closet and turned out the light,

you couldn't have no privacy.

He'd be spying on you
through the keyhole.

I got it all planned out.

What is this?

This is for a cruise,
you understand?

Up and down the coast.

A cruise? Yeah.

It takes all night and
ends up in Catalina

for some early
Sunday morning fishing.

We can put your
old man on the boat

and forget about
him until tomorrow.

Hey, Rollo, that
just might work, man,

because he digs going fishing.

Hey, man, I know it'll work.

Well, go ahead, then.

Damn shoot, man.
It's gonna work.

Hey, look here. What's
going on in here?

Uh, it's Rollo, Pop.

Yeah, no kidding?

I thought it was a bedspread.

Oh, man... Hey, man,
you better be nice.

Rollo's got some
good news for you.

You moving to Australia?

No, man. No.

Oh, that's the only good
news Rollo could have for me.

Well, go ahead, Rollo,
tell him. Hey, look here.

Pop, Rollo has got
some tickets for you

for a midnight cruise
up the coast to Catalina.

I got two, in case you
want to take a friend.

What's all this talk about
a cruise up to Catalina?

Well, it's all right
here in the brochure.

Just listen to this.
Yeah, listen to this.

"Cruise the colorful coast

and fill your night with
hours of concentrated fun."

You hear that, Pop?
Hours of concentrated fun!

Yeah! "Play shuffleboard
under the stars."

Hey! Shuffleboard
under the stars!

Right on. Yeah.
"See the flying fish!"

See the flying fish! Uh-huh.

"Watch the Big Dipper."
Watch the Big Dipper!

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, that brochure must
have came with an echo.

Hey, Pop, look here,
man. You gonna love this!

Yeah, Pop, you
end up at Catalina

for some early Sunday
morning fishing for yellowtail.

Let me ask you a question.

While I'm out on there on
the boat chasing yellowtail,

what you all gonna be chasing?

Well, see, Pop. Rollo and I
are gonna level with you, now.

We are celebrating
a little good fortune

that he just recently came into,

and see, we got these
two chicks lined up,

and we wanted to
use the house here

for a party tonight, you know?

That's all it is?

Hey, that's all.

Well, listen, why
didn't you say so?

You mean you don't mind?

No, I don't mind.

You hear that,
Rollo? Pop don't mind.

Hey, this calls for a toast.

Hey, right on, Pops,
because you are the tops.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

I'd drink to anything.

Hey! All systems are go.

You know, I like
a party so much,

here, take these tickets.

I'm gonna stay
home and help out.

All systems just stopped.

No, man, that ain't what
we had in mind, Pop.

We only got two chicks lined up.

Yeah, and we really didn't
plan on you being at the party.

Well, it's my house. I
should be at the party.

And I got a pot of
stew and some Ripple.

ROLLO: Ripple? Uh-huh.

Are you kidding?

I got a fancy wine...
called Boo-jolais.

All right, then. Boojo-who?

Boo-jolais.

Well, we'll just
pour it in the Ripple

and call it Boo-jolipple.

And we don't want no onion stew.

No.

We got to eat something.

Come on in the
kitchen and smell it.

Hey, man, we don't
wanna smell no stew.

Hey, Pop, look here.
We got something to eat.

We got snacks, we got
potato chips and peanuts

and clam dip and all
that kind of good stuff.

Well, it might give
you an appetite

for some of this stew.

Uh, smell it.

[SNIFFS AND GROANS]

What is that, man?

Hey, Pop, what
Rollo is trying to say

is that the food is
not that important.

It's not?

No, you see, this is
the 20th century, man.

Food is out and love is in.

Well, I thought you
needed the food part

to have strength to
take care of the love part.

All right, let me
put it another way.

You see, Pop, what
you like and what we like

is two different things.

You wouldn't
fit in at this party

because you don't
have nothing in common

with the chicks
that we got lined up.

Well, I eat and
drink and I dance.

What do these chicks do?

If... Well, they do
stuff like that too.

It's just that you from
another generation, man,

and the food that you eat
and the drinks that you drink

and the dances you dance

are different from what they do.

I mean, uh, you'd be
out of place at this party.

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah, these two are live
wire with no insulation.

They are red hot and ready,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, you just wouldn't fit in.

Why don't you just
take these two tickets

and go on that boat
ride like a nice old man

and watch the Big Dipper.

Man, I ain't going nowhere.
I'm staying right here.

Damn a dipper.

I should have known
you was gonna mess up.

Come on, Rollo. Hey, Rollo.

I should have
known. Party pooper.

Come on, man. Look here.

Look, baby brother.
Let's just go ahead

and have the party at your crib.

No, man, I told
you it's too small.

Rollo, it's either your place

or a park bench.

Now, at least we won't
have Pop to worry about.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Go ahead with the plans.

I'll see you on at
the pad, you hear?

Right on.

[MUTTERING] I ain't
going on no boat ride.

Boat ride where somebody
probably fall off the boat,

some shark's eating me up.

Can't nobody find me, but
Jack Goos... Jack Gusto.

You had to do it, didn't you?

You never want to cooperate.

Well, this is my home.
I can stay if I want to.

Yeah, Pop, but all we wanted
to do was have a party, man,

and you messed it up.

So you gonna call it off, huh?

Oh, no. We're
not calling it off.

We're gonna have
it at Rollo's pad.

It's a little small
and inconvenient,

but at least we'll
have some privacy.

Oh, you're just having it there
so you can get away from me?

If you want to put it that way.

Well, what else,
that way, what are...?

Is that what you
doing? I don't care.

You don't make me angry. Listen.

You go ahead to Rollo's.
Stay all night if you want to.

You can stay there forever
if you want to. I don't care.

You don't think I could?

I don't care.

Rollo's asked me plenty of
times to come and live with him.

I think it would work out

because we friends and
we got a lot in common.

I know one thing
you all got in common.

Both of you all are big dummies.

Go ahead. Who needs you?

I'm going! I'm gonna
pack my things,

and we gonna
have the party there

and after that I'm
gonna stay there.

I don't need you. Good, good.

Congratulations. Get to
moving. I don't need you.

I mean, who needs an
ungrateful son around them?

After all, I built this
empire here for you...

and look what happened.

Look what happened.

First time you run into
a guy with two chicks,

and a bottle of
that Booja... Boja...

Oh, get the hell outta here!

I'm going now, Pop.

Did you hear what I said?

I said, I'm going now.

Is there anything you
want me to do before I split?

Yeah. Here, take this with you.

What is it?

It's something that you
can remember me by,

because you might
forget what I look like.

Hey, come on, Pop.

See, here, this is a picture
of you when you were 5.

That's me standing next
to you with my head cut off.

What do I need a
picture like that for?

Because you might
forget what I look like.

Me, the man that's
been a father to you,

and a mother, and an
uncle, and an auntie,

and a cousin, and a nephew.

I been a whole
damn family to you.

Here. Take it.

Okay, I'll take it.

Yeah, take it.

Maybe you could
pin it up on the wall,

and when somebody
ask you, "Who is that?",

you can tell them,

"That's my father, and mother,

"brother, uncle, aunt,
and cousin, and chauffer

All right! And
cook and landlord."

All right. Now, look.

I'll just be living with Rollo.

Now, I'll be coming
here every day,

just like a regular job.

It won't be the same,

because you'll be looking
at me like I'm the boss.

It won't be like we're
partners no more.

And next thing you know,
you'll join some union.

What union?

I don't know. Son of
a Junk Dealer's Union.

Then you'll go on strike,

you'll be outside there
with a sign saying:

"Sanford and Son Unfair."

No, it will just be,
"Sanford is Unfair,"

because "And Son" will
be carrying the picket sign.

Hey, man, I don't want
to hear no more of this.

Well, listen, you
don't have to go

just because I said you
couldn't have the party.

What if I said you
could have the party,

and I didn't mess in it?

Hey, what you say
and what you do

are always two different things.

No, really. I won't interfere.

You go ahead and have
the party with the pretty girls,

and I'll go upstairs,
and I won't even peep.

And if I do peep, I won't laugh.

Pop, I'm not just leaving
because of the party, man.

I think I'd be better off

if I was living with somebody
closer to my own age.

Well, I'd like to be closer
to your age if I could,

but I can't.

See, in order for me
to be closer to your age,

I'd have had to marry
your mother when I was 7.

And I couldn't do that,

because she wasn't born yet.

Well, so long, Pop.
I'll see you later.

Well, listen, son.

Wait a minute. What
if I have a heart attack?

It's gonna be...

It's gonna be difficult
to try to dial you

with this arthritis.

You're not gonna
have a heart attack.

But what if I do have one,
and I can't reach you in time.

We might as well
say goodbye now.

Hey, Pop, you
gonna be fine, man.

I told you a long time
ago, "Let's get a dog."

If we had a dog, I
wouldn't be alone.

Hey, man, I'm leaving, Pop,
and that's all there is to it.

Now, if you need me for
anything, I'll be at Rollo's.

Bye, Pop.

Yeah, go ahead, then. Bye.

Go ahead to Rollo's and
have your little old party!

I don't need you. I
have plenty of friends.

I got friends I've
had all my life.

I'll call Grady. Grady
never let me down.

Your own family lets you down,
even a stranger make a friend.

Shucks! I know I got a friend.

A great, wonderful friend.

I know that. I'm gonna
need another now.

Shucks.

Hello? Hello, Grady?

Yeah, hey, listen, Grady.
I'm having a party over here,

and I got a big pot of
onion stew and some Ripple.

Why don't you come on over?

Would you like to come on over?

You can't?

You're what?

Has she got a girlfriend?

Well, listen, Grady.

Why don't the two of
you all come over here,

and we can celebrate over here?

Oh, no?

Well, listen, suppose I
come over your place?

See, I can get over your
place in about... Hello?

Hello?

Got me a pot of stew
and a bottle of Ripple.

I'm having me a party.

And I know where
I'm gonna have it at.

Hey, hey, this is
gonna be great, huh?

Hm? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

What do you mean you guess
so? What's wrong with you?

Well, I keep thinking

about how my old man
looked when I split, you know.

Aw, man. Quit
thinking about that.

Most cats cut out when they 16.

You got to cut out
sometime. How old are you?

31.

What you waiting on, Medicare?

Come on, man, get your
mind off your old man,

and come over here and put it
where it belongs, on the chicks.

Right, on the chicks.

Hey, now that we're roomies,

we can do this stuff
all the time, huh?

Hey, yeah. This
calls for a toast.

Right.

Here's to us and the
girls, Angel and Della.

And here's to
me, a mellow fella.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Mm-mm.

The wild ones have arrived.

Oh, yes.

How am I looking?

Oooh! Mm.

Right on.

Come on in here.

Yeah!

Hey, hey! Come on in.

Most beautiful ladies,
meet Lamont, my friend.

This is Angel. This is Della.

Pleasure is all mine, ladies.

Nice to know you.

Would you ladies
like to step this way?

And we can sit
down and get cozy?

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right. Ah!

Here you go, ladies.

What's that?

Uh, peanuts, potato
chips and clam dip. Dig in.

[SNORTS]

Peanuts, potato
chips and clam dip?

You're kidding.

Hey, that's stuff you take to
the zoo to feed the animals.

Hey, babe, that's all we got.

You gots to be jiving.

Hey, you told us we were
gonna do some eating,

drinking and dancing tonight.

I did, mama, but I didn't mean

we was going out, you
know, or nothing like that.

I just thought we'd
have, you know,

a few drinks and a few
snacks here and stuff.

Honey, if this is
California living,

I can't wait to get
back to Detroit.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I got an idea. Uh... Uh...

Do... Do you like to dance?

I love to dance. Why?

Well, see, we could dance now

and worry about eating later.

Where we gonna dance?

Right here.

You must be kidding.

This place is too
small to dance in.

Well, we could do
the slower dances.

The old belly-rubbing kind?

Uh-uh!

Let's go!

I got an idea.

Why don't we have a few drinks.

LAMONT: Yeah.

And then we can make
plans as we go, huh?

Well, I could use a drink.

Oh, me, too. I could
use a bunch of them.

LAMONT: Yeah.

What is this?

Boojolais.

Oh, God!

This stuff could gag a maggot!

What is this rotten...?

What is it, furniture polish?

Uh, no, it's French wine.

I'd rather have Ripple.

Yeah, bring on the Ripple.

Ripple?

Hey, we ain't got no Ripple.

He ain't got no Ripple.

Ain't that nothing?

Ain't no party with no Ripple.

Dig it!

Hey, this is insane.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

We should have gone to the...

Wait a minute.
Wait... Wait a minute!

Now why don't you just
have a sit down, you know,

and just relax for a minute.

And Lamont, you know,
keep them happy, man.

Oh, no.

Hey, Lamont, man... What is it?

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Hey, man, what
are you doing here?

I brought your dinner.

You know how I
hate to waste stuff

that I cooked special for you.

Yeah, well, why
don't you take it home

and put it in the freezer.

No, this is stew.
This ain't ice cream.

You eat it when it's
hot, not when it's cold.

There's enough
here for everybody.

Uh, hello, Rollo.

How is my good friend, Rollo?

And hello, ladies.

Uh, who's this?

This is Fred Sanford,
Lamont's father,

of Sanford and Son.

What you got in the pot, pops?

Oh, it's just some
stew that I fixed,

and I was sitting home alone

and I thought I'd bring it over.

You all didn't eat yet, did you?

No, uh, all we had was
peanuts and potato chips.

Oh, that ain't no good food.

That's the kind of stuff

you take to the
zoo to feed animals.

Look here. Smell this.

Ooh, is that onion stew?

Yeah.

Ooh, I just love onion stew.

Ooh, and I'm hungry
enough to eat that whole pot.

That's good.

It's a good feeling to know
somebody's enjoying your cooking

while you're at home, all
alone, lonesome and by yourself.

Wait, now, you can't
just leave all this here

and go home alone and sit.

Yes he can, girls.

You love doing
that, don't you, Pop?

Well, good night, Pop.

No, wait a minute.

Let me serve it and
then I'll leave in a little bit.

I'll just serve it to you.

You all got anything to drink?

No, all we had was some
French furniture polish.

Baroo-jolais or something.

Hey, look here. Reach
inside my coat here.

Reach right in there.

How's that? Ripple!

This is what we was asking for!

Yeah, good old Ripple!

Thanks, Pop!

Well, I'll just leave this here,

and you young
folks enjoy yourself.

Yeah, you do that.
Well, good night, Pop.

ROLLO: Yeah, good night,
Pops, and thanks for the food.

Uh, can't you just stay a bit?

What would I do here
with you young people?

Well, we was just
about to dance.

Couldn't you stay and
have a little dance?

You young girls
wouldn't be interested

in my style of dancing.

Old stuff like, uh,

the Boogie Woogie
and the Applejack...

[DELLA LAUGHS]

and Trucking.

Uh-huh! Come on, show us.

Yeah, give us a demonstration.

No, you don't want to
do that. Good night, Pop.

Wait a minute! Let me go!

If these girls want me to
show them, I got to show them.

That's right.

First I'll show you
the Boogie Woogie.

See... Ooh, my God! Get down!

Go! Do it! Do it!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Is this how it goes?
Yeah, that's it.

Yeah! Hey! Hey, let me try that.

Oom! Aah! Ow!
Yeah, do the Boogie.

Trucking.

Say, man, he's doing
it to us again, ain't he?

Sure is.

So, what we gonna do now?

You still got them
tickets for that cruise?

[YELLING TOGETHER]

[HUMMING]

Hey, Lamont, what
are you doing home?

What do you mean,
what am I doing home?

I thought you was
staying at Rollo's.

Yeah, I was. But I
decided to come home.

I thought you'd
be glad to see me.

You are glad to
see me, aren't you?

Well, yes and no.

What does that mean?

Yes, I'm glad to see you,

but no, I'm not too happy
about seeing you right now.

Why, you and Rollo
gots nowhere you can go?

Why? What's going
on here? What's all this?

Well, see, Grady and I, we
gonna have a little party here.

We expecting company,
and we wanted a little privacy.

Hey, you don't have
to worry about me.

I'll just go on
upstairs and stay.

No, no, no.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

This is my company
now. I'll sit right here.

No, no, you can leave
as they're coming in.

That'd be a better way.
Uh, come right in, ladies.

Make yourselves
comfortable. Hey, darling.

Uh, ladies, I'd like you
to meet my son Lamont.

He was just leaving. Hi, ladies.

Well, can't I just stay for
a little while? And watch?

Uh, just go ahead,
son. Everything's lovely.

I'll see you later on.

These girls don't
drink your kind of drink,

dance your kind of dance
or eat your kind of cooking.

Bye.

I know, but see, I...

Don't matter nothing. Goodbye.

Well, now, ladies,
we got a great dinner.

But before we start anything,
let's work up a little appetite.

Would you like to dance?
Boogie Woogie, stuff like that?

Come on, darling.

♪ Hey, now ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ Yeah, Boogie Woogie ♪♪

[CRASH]

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford
and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.