Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 17 - Fred's Cheating Heart - full transcript

After learning about the dangers and high risk of heart disease, Lamont plots to get his heart attack-prone father to the hospital for a cardio check-up.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I'm Popeye the
Sailor Man Toot, toot ♪

♪ I'm Popeye the
Sailor Man Toot, toot ♪

♪ I love to go swimming
With bow-legged women ♪

♪ I'm Popeye the
Sailor Man Toot, toot ♪♪

Hey, son.

You just missed the good part.

Popeye just got ptomaine
from a bad can of spinach.

That's terrific.
Where's my breakfast?

I knew I forgot something.

You forgot my breakfast?



No, I forgot my breakfast.

You can cook your own breakfast

because I'm taking the day off.

What do you mean
you're taking the day off?

I'm tired.

I didn't get no
sleep last night,

because I had this
heavy feeling on my chest.

I think it's my heart.

That wasn't your heart.

That heavy feeling on your
chest was because you ate

that pot full of pigs' feet
and butter beans last night.

Maybe so, but I was going
to take an Alka Seltzer

but I was afraid that I might
wake you up when I burped.

Never mind. I'll deal with you



after I fix myself breakfast.

Listen, son, while
you're in there,

fix me a couple
of eggs, over easy

you know, with
the yellow running.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

A man can't even
enjoy Popeye by hisself.

♪ I am what I am
'Cause I am what I am ♪

♪ I'm Pope the sailor... ♪♪

Good morning, sir.

I'm from the heart
disease foundation,

and I'm collecting
in the neighborhood.

Good luck...

Sir, won't you at
least hear me out?

If you'll do your talking
while you're walking. Bye.

Sir, I'll bet you don't realize

how serious a problem
heart disease really is.

And I'll bet you don't
understand English.

I said goodbye, vamoose,
adios, ciao, so long,

get your hat, Jack, and
don't you come back.

Goodnight.

I'm not asking for much.

That's more than you're getting.

Well, all donations
are appreciated, sir.

No matter how little you give.

I gave at the office.

Isn't this your office?

Well, that depends.

It's my office, also my home.

And man's home is his castle.

That's why I'm
asking you to leave

because I don't want
no hassle in my castle.

One day you might
be sorry you didn't give.

It won't be today.

Hey, Pop, who
were you talking to?

Nobody. It's just somebody
collecting for heart disease.

Well, did you give him anything?

I'm not in favor
of heart disease.

You talk to him, I'm going
in to fix me some breakfast.

Say brother! Say,
could you come back

in the house for a minute?

Thank you.

I'm sorry if my old man
gave you a hard time but,

you know, he
gets kind of cranky.

That's quite all
right. I'm used to it.

Most people don't
seem to realize

how widespread
heart disease really is.

Especially among elderly
Black men like your father.

Like my father?

Yes. Heart disease is the
number one killer in America.

But actually, most of the heart
attacks and related ailments,

such as strokes, are
caused by hypertension.

Do you know that
hypertension afflicts 30 to 40%

of the Black population in
America over 30 years of age?

For every Black American
that dies from sickle cell anemia,

over a hundred will
die from a heart attack.

No, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Say, listen, blood, why don't
you come in and sit down,

I want to ask you
some questions.

Um, is it possible
for a person to have,

say three or four
heart attacks a day?

No, I sure doubt it.

After the second one
they'd probably be dead.

One big one and it's all over.

Then it's not likely that
a man could average

say, 26 big ones a week, huh?

No, no. That's unbelievable.

Yeah, I thought so too.

Now if this person claims
to have that many attacks,

there's a good chance
they may be simulated.

Have you ever seen this
person have a heart attack?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

This person is
like a father to me.

Does this person complain
of a tightness across the chest,

pain in the left shoulder and
arm, dizziness and nausea?

All of that.

Uh, well, then if I were you

I would have this person
thoroughly examined

after their next attack.
That way if it's really

a heart attack, it'll show up

when they're given an
electrocardiogram test.

Well, do you know a place where
you could get one these tests?

Oh yes, certainly.

I think I have it
here somewhere.

Yes, um, the nearest
place to you would be

Our Lady of the Leaves Hospital.

Oh yeah, I know that.

Mm-hmm, they have a
cardiac alert department there

that admits patients
24 hours a day.

Oh, hey, thank you
very much, brother.

That's all right.

Hey look, uh, you
might not know this,

but you've saved
a very valuable life.

You mean this person's?

No, mine.

Look, here's a dollar
for the heart fund.

Thank you.

On second thought, I
feel generous, make it two.

Ah, thank you.

You know, if I could only
meet 30 million more people

as generous as you,
everybody'd have a healthy heart.

Well, good luck. All right.

Say, Pop, you
know, I was... Shh.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to hear if
this cereal really goes

snap, crackle and pop.

I can hear my snap
and my crackle,

but they're beating me
out of some of my pops.

Uh, say look, I was
going to wait till tonight

to tell you this, but I
don't think I should.

I wanted to lay it on you now.

If it's bad news,
tell me tomorrow.

Remember, you was the
one that always told me

never to put off for tomorrow...

Wait a minute, I
never did finish that.

I wanted to say that,
never put off for tomorrow

what you can do off for
the day after tomorrow.

So tell me the
day after tomorrow.

No, I'm gonna lay it on you now.

Brace yourself, Pop.

You braced? I'm braced.

All right, here it is.

I'm getting married.

You what?

I'm getting married.

What happened, did you knoc...

Did you make some girl pregnant?

No. It's nothing like that.

Well, how can you keep
something like this to yourself?

When did you
decide to do all this?

See, I've been thinking
about it for a long time now,

but I just recently
decided to do it.

Well, is it Ethylyn Rogers?

No.

Well, did I ever meet her?

Yeah, you met her once.

Her name is Maria.

Maria?

You don't mean
magic fingers Maria

down at the massage parlor
on Manchester and Main?

No, her name is Maria
Fuentes, she's Julio's sister.

You me... Julio? Who live
over there with the goat?

That Julio?

One in the same.

You mean to stand
there and tell me

you're going to
marry a Puerto Rican?

That's right.

Oh, no!

Oh, yes.

It's already arranged.

But look on the
bright side of it, Pop.

When we have our first
son, we'll name him after you.

We'll call him Frederico.

Little Frederico Manuel
Fuentes Sanford.

Oh! Wait a minute.

Oh, this is the
biggest one ever.

You hear that Elizabeth?

I'm coming to join you honey,

with an invitation to a
Puerto Rican wedding.

What's a matter, Pop?

I'm having a heart attack
that's what's a matter.

Are you sure it's
a heart attack?

Yeah, I'm sure
it's a heart attack.

Then we better get on
right down to the hospital.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Hospital?

I ain't going to no hospital.

But Pop, you need
medical attention.

I don't need no
medical attention.

Yes, you do, man! You
need medical expert treatment.

They've got a cardiac
alert department,

not too far from here,

at Our Lady of the
Leaves Hospital.

Now come on lets go...

No, I don't need to go
to no hospital. I'm fine.

Just get me a glass of
Our Ripple of the Grapes.

You had a heart attack,
didn't you? Now come on!

Wait a minute.

Where you say you taking me?

I already told you, man,

I'm taking you to the hospital

now we'll find out
how bad your heart is

once they give you that
electrocardiogram test.

Now come on!
Now wait a minute...

Ain't nobody gonna put no
electric cards on my heart.

Pop, it's painless. Now come on!

Listen, let go! How can
electricity be painless?

You ever see a guy jump
up out of the electric chair

and say: "Oh, that
was nice and painless."

Pop, it's a
precautionary measure.

Now one day you're
gonna thank me for this.

Now come on, let's go.

Wait a minute.

Now I really feel bad.

What is it Pop? Is it another...
Is it another heart attack?

We better hurry up.

Wait a minute,
it's not that son.

It's those pigs' feet
and butter beans.

Now come on, Pop,
it's gonna be painless.

Just relax, now look,
here's your room, 393.

[GROANING]

Well, come on, let's go.

Oh, hell no, I
ain't going in there!

Would you get in
there? No, did you see...

Now just relax this
is gonna help you out.

Everything's gonna
be fine, now just relax.

Just leave me alone.

Is everything all right?

It was.

Everything is fine, nurse.

My old man is a little
upset about in a hospital.

That's a lie, I'm
a whole lot upset.

Mr. Sanford, these tests
are for your own good.

But you aren't
compelled to take them.

I'm not?

Of course not.

Bye.

Oh, no you don't, now you're
gonna stay in this hospital

and get those tests.

Now this is a nice room, Pop,

and you'll be comfortable here.

If you like it so much,
you stay here then.

Because I hate hospitals.

I hate the smell of hospitals.

All of them smell like Lysol.

They even cook with Lysol.

Lysol.

Well, you won't
be here very long.

We should have all your
tests completed in a few hours.

Here, you can slip this on.

And I'll be back to see
you in a few minutes.

Why do I have to
slip this thing on?

[MOANING IN PAIN]

What's that?

Sounds like the dude
in the bed over there.

Hey man, hey! Will you shut up?!

Shut up! This is a hospital.

People in here are sick!

Hey, Pop, look at yourself, man.

That man is obviously very sick
or he wouldn't be in a hospital.

He's probably in here because
his heart is acting up on him.

How do you know that?

Well, because heart disease
is very common nowadays.

Did you know that
hypertension and heart disease

kill more Blacks than
anything else in America?

I didn't know that.

I thought it was the police.

Well, you're not gonna have

to worry about anymore
heart attacks, Pop,

because they'll probably
give you some miracle drug

to fix you right up.

Drugs? Then I'll
be a dope fiend.

I won't be Fred
Sanford the junkman,

I'll be Fred
Sanford, the junkie.

Hey, Pop, you got
to think positive, man.

If the tests prove that
you got a bad heart,

you can rest and take it easy.

And I'll do all the work.

We'll let's just say, for
some strange reason

the tests prove that I
don't have a bad heart?

Well, in that
case you'll be able

to do some of the
work around the house.

Like sweeping and dusting and
mopping and washing that truck

and cleaning out those
cabinets and hanging curtains

and taking those things
down like you supposed to be.

Oh... now I really feel bad.

Where's the pain, Pop,
is it in your heart again?

It was in my heart.

But after looking at you
two it moved further down.

[BANGING ON TABLE]

Let me out of here!

Let me out of this prison!

I wanna go home!

Hey, let me out of here!

Say, will you please hold
it down? I'm trying to rest.

You'd better shut up, chump,
before I jump over that screen.

I jump over that screen

and stay in your chest
as long as a blackhead.

Hey, let me out of here!

Give me my clothes!

I wanna go home!

Sir, what's a matter?

Oh, hello, darling.

Are you all right?

I could hear you all
the way up the hall.

Yeah, I was just
going a little stir-crazy,

but I'm all right now.

Is there anything I can do to
make you more comfortable?

Uh, yeah.

Why don't you get a
few more of them screens

you know, and put them around
us so we can have a little privacy.

You don't sound like a very
sick man to me, you know.

And I'm not gonna
act like no sick man.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Now if you promise to
behave and to be quiet,

you'll get a nice back-rub.
Would you like that?

Do a hog love slop?

I like it from top to
bottom, bottom to top,

and side to side.

Any way you want to
rub it, be all right with me.

Okay, it's a deal. But you
gotta promise to be quiet.

My lips are sealed. Okay.

Six men with two
crow-bars apiece

six big strong men
with a crow bar each

couldn't pry my lips apart.

Yeah, I believe it.

Come right in, darling,

and let your fingers
do the walking

through my classified section.

What's this?

I thought you wanted a back-rub.

You going to give it to me? Yes.

Help! Let me out of here!

Give me my clothes,
I gotta get out of here!

Mr. Sanford, you are going to
have to keep your voice down.

This is a hospital.

I know it's a hospital

and you're the one that's
making the people sick in here.

Help, get me out of
here, I gotta go home.

Come on, Mr. Sanford!

Believe me, we want you
to be tested and out of here

sooner than you do.

Maybe you would like a
mild tranquilizer to relax you.

No, you just give me
two bottles of Ripple,

and you won't even
know I'm in here.

Oh, Grady, Grady, you're
a sight for sore eyes.

You can leave now, honey,

I got company visiting.

Oh, Fred.

Fred, oh, Fred.

What's a matter... What's
a matter, Grady, you sick?

There's a toilet right here

but you... please use
the one down the hall.

Ah, Fred, you see,
your son told me

that you were in
here with a bad heart.

I guess the big one

finally caught up with you,

didn't it, Fred?

What are you
talking about Grady?

First there was
Wadell Jackson die.

Then Junior Cooper die...

They say it comes
in three's, Fred.

I guess you're number three!

Grady, will you shut
up and listen to me?

I'm not sick!

Oh, goodness,

that's just what
Elihu McGee said...

Before he died.

He yelled right out:

"I am not sick," and then he
rolled out of the bed and died.

Listen, Grady, maybe
you didn't hear me last time.

Listen to me clear, here, I'm
only gonna say it one more time.

I am not sick.

But once they get you in here,

they'll find something
wrong with you.

They'll put it right
on that chart there

at the foot of your bed.

Look, Grady, you'd better go
ahead and leave now, you hear?

You're really making me sick.

Okay, Fred.

I'll go...

Fred, let me look
at you one more time

so I can remember
you how you were.

I just don't like what them
undertakers do to you.

All that lipstick and rouge.

You know, it makes
you look kinda of...

You're nothing but
an old fool, son of a...

Ohh!

Ohh!

Hey, man, will you shut up?!

You and Grady are
both making me sick.

Ain't nobody can be that sick.

Or could he?

Mister Sanford? Are you awake?

Your son is here to see you.

Oh, good. Send him in.

Uhh... uhh.

How you feeling, Pop?

Oh, I feel pretty bad, son.

You know, you did the right
thing when you brought me here.

Oh yeah? Uh-huh.

I'll bet they find a lot
of stuff wrong with me.

Yeah. But then
again they might not.

And just in case they don't,
I've, uh, made up a little list

of things for you to
do around the house

when you get back home. Uh-huh.

Like washing the windows,
and cleaning the truck,

washing the floors, and...

Well, I don't want to
bore you with that now,

I'll show it to you
when you get home.

Yeah, son, you know,

I'll be... If I ever
get back home,

I'll do all the stuff you
want me to do around there,

but just in case I don't get
back, you'll understand why

I didn't do it.

Oh, yeah.

If they find something
seriously wrong with you.

Say, I thought it was the one
next to the wall, didn't you?

No, it's this one.

It is?

Yes, sir.

We're going for a little ride.

Not until you tell me where
and give me a round trip ticket.

It happened on
television the other night,

in Public Enemy. It
took James Cagney

for a little ride
and didn't stop

till they got to the cemetery.

Hey, Pop, just relax
now, they probably

came to take you for
your tests, isn't that right?

Did you come to
take him for his test?

Test? No, it's a
little more than that.

It is? It is?

Yeah, it sure is.
According to this chart...

Uh, listen, uh, can we talk
out in the hall for a minute?

Sure.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, just stay
here and rest, Pop.

It's gonna be all right.

No, no, it'll be all right.

Say, listen, I brought
my father here

for some simple
tests on his heart,

now what's going on?
Where are you taking him?

We're taking him to surgery.

Surgery?

This isn't open
heart surgery, is it?

All we know is that he's
due in surgery in 20 minutes.

Now, are you 100%
sure about this?

I'll be 200% sure if you want.

Okay, well, can I have a
few minutes with him alone,

before you take him away? Sure.

What is it, son?

I'm sorry, Pop.

I didn't know, man. I
owe you an apology.

An apology for what?

You didn't know what?

What are you looking
at me like that for?

Pop, I got a confession
to make, man.

When I told you I was
getting married, I lied,

I'm not getting married.

I just told you that, so
you'd have a heart attack

so I could get
you in the hospital

to have these tests.

You big, cold-blooded dummy.

I know that, Pop,
and I'm sorry for it,

but I didn't know
how serious you were,

I didn't know how sick you were.

I told you I was sick, didn't I?

Next time you'll believe me
when I tell you, won't you?

But listen, man, I
want you to just relax

and take it easy because
everything's gonna be all right,

okay?

Just sit back and relax, Pop.

Hey, wait a minute
man, what you all doing?

Hey, wait a minute, get
your hands off my leg, mister.

You're a brother, don't
be putting me here like this.

There must be some mistake, son.

Listen, Pop.

I can explain it
to you... Pop...

Listen, Pop, what it
takes to get you out of here

you're gonna get, I promise you.

Wait a minute son,
where are they taking me?

They're taking you
to surgery, Pop.

To who-gery?

To surgery, they
got to operate on you.

Relax, Pop. Now
just take it easy.

What's the problem in here?

Wait a minute, may ask
you a personal question?

Who are you?

I'm Dr. Jamison,
Chief of Surgery.

Now what's the trouble
in here? Let me explain.

Well, listen, doctor,
they say they're

taking my father to surgery,

and I just brought him in here

for some simple
tests on his heart.

Now do they have to
operate on his heart?

You're not even close.

It's not his heart.
Then what is it?

He's scheduled for
removal of hemorrhoids.

Take him away, men.

Hey, wait a minute,
doc! Wait, wait!

Say, doctor, are you sure
there isn't some mistake?

I mean, I didn't know anything

about my father
having hemorrhoids.

Well, that's what's indicated
on his chart, Mr. Banks.

What?

Your father is Lester
Banks isn't he?

Yeah...

Hey, don't worry about
a thing, Papa Banks.

Hee-hee, you should have seen
yourself running down that hall

with that gown flapping.

Hey, but tell me something,
man, how come you waited

until you was in
the operating room

before you jumped up and split?

It took me that long to
remember what hemorrhoids were.

And you were gonna let them

give me that operation
too, wasn't you?

Yeah, well, it would've
served you right

for switching those
bed charts like that.

Hey, you know something, Pop?

We never did get
those tests taken, man.

I think we should go
back to the hospital.

I ain't going to no
hospital, I feel fine.

Well, then don't
turn on that TV set.

If you're well
enough to watch TV,

you're well enough to
do the work around here.

Work? What work?

You know what
I had on that list,

like sweeping and
mopping and dusting

and cleaning out that truck.

Oh, son, I'm just having
a serious arthritis...

Oh really? It's an attack!

You know what? It'll be
just perfect for the broom.

Oh... What is it
Pop, is it the big one?

No, it's a whole
lot a little ones.

But it's weakening me.

All right then, let's get
on down to the hospital.

Hospital? Yeah.

Never mind.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford
and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.

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