Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 14 - Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

I'll see you later, Pop.

Okay, son. And be careful, hear?

Hiya, Fred. Grady.

Yeah, I... I just
ran into... Lamont.

Yeah. Say, say, say, Fred,
I got something to tell you.

Well, come on in
the house and tell me.

All right.

What you looking for?

It look like the police is
chasing you or something.

No, the police ain't
chasing me, Fred,



but I just heard something
that kind of shook me up.

Say, say, let me
have a drink, please.

Okay.

Listen, you want to
try one I invented?

It's a mixture of
Ripple and cream.

I call it Cripple.

See, you see...

after you drink a few of
them, you walk with a limp.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, man. No thanks, Fred.

I'll just take some, some
straight Ripple, please.

Okay, straight Ripple.
I call that Stripple.

Here you go.

Hey, Grady. You
making me nervous, now.



What's bothering you?

It's not a what,
Fred, it's a who.

Well, sit down and
tell me what it is.

Well, I promised I
wouldn't say anything...

[COUGHS]

because he wanted
to surprise you.

He who?

It's someone from
back home in St. Louis.

Do you remember Mrs.
Madlock's oldest son, Grip?

Big Money Grip?

He used to be one
of my best friends.

During the Depression,
we sold blood.

Uh... ours.

Well, he just moved into
town the week before last.

He did? Gee whiz.

You know, there's never a dull
moment when old Grip's around.

Uh, well, what I came
to tell you, Fred, is...

No. No, maybe I better have
another shot of this Stripple...

I mean Cripple, or some Ripple.

Put the bottle down,
Grady. Now calm down.

Now, tell me what's
bothering you?

[COUGHS]

Grip said...

that he moved here
to be near his son.

Oh, really? I didn't
know Grip had a son.

Well, it's none of
my business, Fred,

but I gotta tell you
who... Who Grip's son is.

No, I can't do it.

Hey, Grady. Sit
down and tell me.

Can't you remember his name?

Yeah, I can remember
his name all right.

Well, what is it?

It's, uh, uh, uh...
What's your son's name?

Uh, Lamont.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, he named his
son after my son.

Now, that's true friendship.

Well, it's more than that, Fred.

Grip said... I
mean, Grip said...

G-G-G-Grip said...

Oh, no, I can't do it.

I can't... I can't say it.

What do you mean,
you can't say it?

I just can't say it.

You can't, huh?
Look here, Grady.

Will this help you say it?

Grip said your son is his son.

Say that again!

F-F-Fred, now, you
give me that bat first.

No! Oh, no, you...

Fred, Grip said that
your son is his son.

Fred, I swear on a
stack of Bibles this high,

that's what he said.

How could Lamont be his son,

when I'm the dummy's father?

Well, I don't know, Fred.

But you know that
Grip and Elizabeth

were pretty tight
before she married you.

Oh, I know all about that.

She told me all about
it. Wasn't nothing to it.

You know what I think?

Elizabeth forgot to
tell you something.

No. This is what I think.

I think that Grip
is just playing

one of his practical
jokes on you,

and he fooled you with it.

And another thing, see...

this has all the earmarks
of a Grip special.

Yeah? Well, I don't know, Fred.

He seemed pretty
doggone serious to me.

Serious? Grip?

Are you kidding?

Grip's whole life has been
one long joke after the other.

He'd give you hot-foots

and pass out them
exploding cigars,

and then put some plastic
dog doo-doo on your rug.

Uh-oh! Here he comes.

Now, remember. You
don't know nothing.

You don't know nothing
because I ain't told you nothing.

You sure act nutty, Grady.

I should call you Nutty Grady.

[KNOCKING]

That's the Gripper. I'd
know that knock anywhere.

Same old knock.

Have no fear, Big
Money Grip is here.

Grip!

Big Money Grip
with the swivel hip!

Slide me five so
I can stay alive.

This is for you, my man.

No, no. Not an exploding cigar.
I know about them El Bombos.

I should have known better.

Good to see you, man.

You ain't changed a lick.

You're looking good, Fred.

Well, you looking kinda
splivy yourself, there.

Hey, uh, what
you got in the bag?

Oh, I brought us some
libation for our reunion.

Why didn't you just
bring some wine?

Yeah, yeah. You
didn't have to be fancy.

Anything would have
been all right with us.

Anything?

Not for my friends who I
ain't seen in almost 20 years.

I got the good stuff.

Cold Duck.

Cold Duck?!

Damn, I ain't had no Cold Duck

since the last time
I hit the number.

Sit down, Grip.

Open up the Duck and
I'll get this glass for you.

Hey, Grip... Hm?

This remind me of
the good old days.

We used to have some
good fun back then, didn't we?

We sure did.

You remember the time in church

when I switched the communion
grape juice for real wine?

Yeah, and that old...

That old greedy preacher
got so carried away,

he had to be carried away.

Yeah!

Now that was one
of my real classics.

Yeah, and Grip, you still
doing that kinda stuff, huh?

Listen, uh, Grady told
me what you told him.

You know, about coming out
here to be with your son Lamont.

He fell for it hook,
line and sinker.

Yeah, didn't you, Grady?

He thought you were serious.

I was.

I held it back a long time...

but I can't hold it
back any longer.

Fred, Lamont is my son.

But that's impossible.

In order for Lamont
to be your son,

that would mean that
you and Elizabeth...

That's impossible.

In order for Lamont
to be your son,

that would mean that you
and Elizabeth would have to...

Let's have another drink.

You know that I was
Elizabeth's first love

before you stole her away.

I didn't steal her.

It was offered to
me and I accepted it.

You married her behind my
back while I was in the Army.

No, I didn't.

I wanted to wait until
you got back home,

but she didn't.

And besides, how
could Lamont be your son

when you was away in the Army.

Now, that's a good point, Fred.

You ever heard of
a weekend pass?

That's a good point, Grip.

Shut up, Grady!

Let's have another drink.

You just can't walk
into a man's house

and claim his only
son without proof.

You wait a second. I'll
show you some proof.

Yeah, wait a second.

Fred's gonna show
you some proof.

I got some pictures here of
Lamont when he was a baby.

Now, you tell me.

He's got some pictures of
Lamont when he was a baby

and then you tell him.

See? Now, there's
a picture of Lamont

when he was a baby.

That's Lamont
when he was a baby.

See, now, Grady, you
remember when Lamont was born.

Now, you tell me.
Who's he look like?

Oh, yeah, he looks
just like you, Grip.

Give me that, Grady!

Let, let, let's have
another drink.

♪ ...every time I... ♪♪

Hello.

That's got to be little Lamont.

Hello.

You don't recognize me,
do you? Remember me?

No, I don't think so.

See that? He don't
even remember you, Grip.

Yeah, he don't
remember you, Grip.

Sure he remembers Grip.

Big Money Grip.

I used to give you money
to go to the store for me.

I used to let you read
my girly magazines.

Remember? Whiz Bang?
Smokehouse Monthly?

Hey! Big Money Grip!

Right. How you doing, man?

Right! I even taught
you a little dance step

we used to do together.

We stood right next to
each other and did our dance.

Still look like we make
a good team, huh, Fred?

Yeah, yeah, a
good team of mules!

I almost didn't recognize you.

How long have you
had the moustache?

Since he was in
the seventh grade.

Say, Lamont, I got a
present for you out in my car.

Brought it all the
way from St. Louis.

Let's go get it.

Hey, Grip, you didn't have
to bring me no present.

I wanted to do it. All right.

Little Lamont.

Big Money Grip.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

He kidding, wasn't he, Grady?

I mean, Grip was
kidding, wasn't he?

Well, you know
what they say, Fred.

Mama's baby, Papa's maybe.

Shut up, Grady.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

Hear that, Elizabeth?

Is that true what Grip says
about you and him and Lamont?

Huh?

Is it, Elizabeth?

What did she say, Fred?

She said, "Shut up, Grady!"

Hi, son.

What are you staring at?

I'm not staring. I'm
just looking at you.

I can look at my
own son, can't I?

Yeah, but it's making
me uncomfortable.

Okay then, I won't bother
you. Finish your lunch.

Thank you.

Hi, son.

What are you doing?

I'm just... I'm just
looking at you.

Look, you fixed me a
nice lunch over here.

Now at least you can
let me eat it in peace.

Okay, okay. I won't bother you.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm just comparing hand sizes.

What it look like?

What is this comparing
hand sizes and staring at me?

How come you
acting so weird today?

I'm not acting weird,
I'm acting like a father.

Because I feel fatherly.

Don't you feel son-erly?

I feel like I'm
never gonna finish

this chicken noodle
and tuna on rye.

[KNOCKING]

I'll get that.

Yeah, why don't you do that.

What do you mean?

Why can't you say, "Why
don't you do that, Pop?"

Do you realize you haven't
called me Pop all day?

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Would you see who that is, Pop.

I sure would appreciate it, Pop.

Thank you very much, Pop.

Now, there. There's three Pops.

Okay, Pop?

That's fine, son.

I'll see who's at the door, son.

I hope it's somebody
we wanna see, son.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Yeah, that's my son.

No kidding about it.

I really do hope it's
somebody we want to see,

because you know what...?

Son of a gun.

Esther. How you feel?

I feel fine, Fred.

And I ain't got no
money to loan you.

If that's why you asked me
over here, I might as well go.

No, wait a minute.

I didn't ask you over
here to borrow no money.

If I wanted money, I'd have
asked you over the phone.

Hello, there, Aunt
Esther. Hello, Lamont.

Hey, Pop, I gotta make a
few pick-ups on the truck.

I'll be right back.

Okay, son. Take it easy, son.

And be careful, son. Bye, son.

Now, what did you call
me over here for, Fred?

Sit down, Esther.
Take the load off.

Let's get it over with, Fred.

I don't like being alone in a
house with an unmarried man.

Listen, Esther,

if we were alone on a raft
in the middle of the ocean,

I'd rather kiss a
octopus in the mouth.

Any time.

I wouldn't want you to kiss me.

I'd rather be kissed by
a snaggletooth jackass.

Well, I'll call St.
Louis and get you one.

Oh, go kiss your octopus.

Well, listen, neither one of us

is gonna have to worry
about nothing like that.

Now, listen here, Esther.

I just want to have

a confidential
conversation with you

about Elizabeth.

My sister Elizabeth?

No, your brother Elizabeth.

Of course your
sister and my wife.

Now, Esther, this is
just between me and you.

Now, I want to know, did...

Did Elizabeth ever dilly-dally
while we were married?

What's a dilly-dally?

Well, you know what I mean.
It's like, did she fool around?

Fred Sanford, you
ought to be ashamed

to even let something like that

come out of your
heathenish mouth.

My baby sister was as
pure as the driven snow.

Yeah, but who was
doing the driving?

Just a chicken-pickin'
minute, sucker.

Elizabeth was faithful to
you until the day she died.

Only someone with a
foul mind and a foul mouth

could come up
with such a foul idea.

Fred Sanford, you foul!

You are a foul heathen.

Well, I'm a happy foul heathen.

[KNOCKING]

You bet! I'm gonna get the door.

I'm the happiest foul
heathen you ever seen.

I'm so happy to find out

all that good stuff you
just told me, Esther,

I don't know what
to do. I appreciate it.

Hey, Grip. Hey.

I'm glad you came.

I just got some
important information

from my sister-in-law here.

Oh, is this lady
your sister-in-law?

This is my sister-in-law.

I ain't said nothing
about no lady.

Don't pay no attention to
this uncivilized heathen.

I'm Esther Anderson.
Who are you?

Oh, I'm Grip Madlock from
St. Louis. Remember me?

Big Money Grip Madlock?

The one and only.

Sure I remember you. Sure!

My sister Elizabeth used
to be crazy about you.

Well, what brings you to town?

Grip, tell her what
you told me yesterday,

and then she got
something to tell you.

Now, listen to this, Esther.

Go on. I'm all ears.

No, you're not.

You're all mouth,
but listen anyway.

Well, it's very simple.

Lamont Sanford is my son.

What did you say, nigga?!

I said... Lamont is my son.

You hear that, Esther?

Grip and your sister
Elizabeth... Stop!

There is no peace, saith
the Lord, unto the wicked.

Get thee behind me, Satan.

But I'm going to get behind you,

because I'm going to
put my foot in your...

Esther! Esther!

Listen...

You don't have to do
nothing, Esther, see?

Now, listen, Grip, this
is Elizabeth's sister,

and if anyone should
know, she should.

And she swears Elizabeth
was pure as the driven snow.

And you're looking at the
only driver she ever had.

Don't make no difference
what either one of you says.

I know the truth, and
that's why I'm here today:

To tell Lamont so
he can decide on

who he wants to be with.

Lamont? You gonna tell
Lamont a deliberate lie?

It ain't a lie. It's true.

God shall smite
thee! But I can't wait.

Fred, why don't we both

beat the hell out
of him right now.

Well, hold him, Esther.

I'll get the butcher knife!

What's going on in here?

What's going on in here?

Ain't nothing going on, son.

Grip here was just leaving.

Not until I tell Lamont
what I have to tell him.

You don't want to
hear this, Lamont.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Hear what?

I tell you, son. Now,
come on over here.

I tell you what it's all
about. Sit down right there.

Now, here it is.

Grip says that he's your father.

Your real father.

What?!

Don't listen to
any more, Lamont.

Aunt Esther, I've
asked you not to do that!

What did you say?

I said that Grip said
that he's your real father.

Grip?

Yeah, and me and Aunt
Esther and me say it's a lie.

But I'm the only one that knows.

And I say it's not a lie.

Grip says he's my real father?

Wow, this is heavy.

And that's why I'm here, Lamont.

So that you can decide
on who you want to be with.

Your real father... or him.

You mean you want me to
choose between you and you?

Wait a minute.
Wait... Wait a minute.

Uh, excuse me a minute, Grip.

Hey, come over here and
sit down, Pop, I wanna tell...

Sit down there, please.

Now, I don't care nothing
about this business or this house.

You don't? No.

But what I do care
about is you, Pop.

Because you're my
pop, man, and I love you.

Now, Grip, if you are my father,

that was between
you and my mother.

I ain't had nothing
to do with that.

But hey, man, this is my father.

The only Pop I've ever known.

Now, all my life it's
been Sanford and Son,

and as far as I'm concerned,

that's the way it's
gonna always will be.

[BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY]

Well, Grip,

I guess your little
visit is over now,

and you welcome to say goodbye,

and so long, and
adiós, and arrivederci.

In short, you can get
the hell outta here.

Wait a minute!

Don't let him leave

till he's promised
to stop telling

that wicked lie about my sister.

What do I have to
do to prove it's true?

Tell you the time, the
place and everything?

Just tell the truth, sucker.

"For the truth shall
make you free."

That's John.

Yeah, and don't tell no lie,

because a lie can find you dead.

That's Fred.

Okay.

You lived at 3207
Enright in St. Louis, right?

That's right.

Okay...

I came around one evening
while everyone was asleep

and sneaked in her room.

That's a lie!

Wait a minute,
Fred! Wait a minute!

I'll take care of
it. I'll handle it.

We'll soon find out.

Which one was
Elizabeth's room, chump?

It was the room off the kitchen.

See how he lying?

The room off the
kitchen was my room.

It was the...

It was the room that
faced out on the backyard.

That was my room.

Know what I think, Esther?

I think Grip was in your room.

Now listen, Esther,

did anybody ever sneak
in your room one night?

Now, the truth, now.

Because you know the
truth shall make you free.

Did you used to sleep
with big curlers in your hair?

I don't want to hear
any more of this!

It wasn't Elizabeth! It
was you, wasn't it, Esther?

Wasn't it you? You?!

Her?!

He that is without
sin among you,

let him cast the first stone.

No, wait!

Wait a minute, Esther.

Don't leave yet.

Stay here and
tell us all about it.

Whether he be a
sinner or no, I know not.

But one thing I know:

That whereas I
was blind, now I see.

Amen!

Praise the Lord!

Glory be. Whoo!

Hallelujah! Hail, Mary! Whoo!

[CONTINUES SHOUTING PRAISES]

Uh, listen here, Grip.

You might as well go too, now.

Because at first I
was mad at you.

Now I feel sorry for you.

I really do.

I feel sorry for you

because you don't
know the difference

between a woman and a crocodile.

Me... and her?

[SHIVERING]

I tell you...

You know, I can't
believe that, Pop.

Aunt Esther and Grip?

Yeah, you know,
I'm so glad, son,

that we got a chance to
clear up your mother's name

and find out the
truth about Grip,

and also, the best part

was hearing you say
how much I meant to you,

and it's gonna be
Sanford and Son forever.

Hey, I meant it, Pop.

Hey, you know what?
I feel like celebrating.

Why don't we run
upstairs and get cleaned up

and go out and
have dinner. My treat.

You serious? Yeah, I'm serious.

You know what, son?

What, Pop?

I like you. You're a good kid.

Hey, it's hereditary.
Come on, let's go.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Aunt Esther... And Grip?

[BOTH SHIVER]

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford
and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.