Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 13 - Wine, Women and Aunt Esther - full transcript

Depressed about death and growing old, Fred and his drinking buddies determine to think young and go for the gusto by throwing a wild party, inviting topless waitress Fast Fanny and four of her fast friends to spice it up.


Well, come on in,
if you're coming.

Lord, Reverend Trimble sure
knows how to preach a funeral.

If it's one thing I love, it's
a well-preached funeral.

Over here.

Yeah, Esther, you
would love a funeral.

That's just your speed. Amen.

You got to give
credit to Ruth Ann.

She sure put Junior
Cooper away in style.

It was the kind of funeral

you see advertised in
The Mortician's Digest.

What do you know about
The Mortician's Digest?

She posed for the centerfold.

Say, listen, let's talk
about something else.

Poor Junior.

Mm, mm, mm.

I can't get over
how he went so fast.


Just up and died out
of the clear blue sky.

Yes, he did.

And for no particular reason.

It's a shame.


Hey, listen, maybe
you all didn't hear me.

I said let's talk about
something cheerful.

We just can't sit around
like nothing happened.

Junior Cooper was
our friend. Right.

And I feel the loss.

I do, too. Yeah.

I feel the loss
more than all of you.

He died owing me $9.47.

Say, anybody know
what Junior died of?

Nobody knows.

He was always sort
of a hypochondriac.

You mean an alcohol-iac.

Someone told me
Junior's liver went out.

And as much as he used to drink,

I don't blame his
liver for leaving.

Say, how you supposed
to take care of your liver?

I'll tell you the way
I take care of mine.

I flour it and fry it, then
smother it in onions.

I been having trouble
hearing out of my left ear.

I wonder what that's a sign of?

That's a sign of earwax, Bubba.

And I suggest you use Q-tips.

Hey, listen, I don't
wanna hear no more

about dying and sickness.

I'm having me a glass of Ripple.


I'll have a taste.

Just what we need
to cheer us up.

You mean to tear you up.

You all should be ashamed.

How can you drink
right after a funeral?

Like this.

Give me another
one of them, Grady.

Fred Sanford, you just
left the house of the Lord.

And now I'm in my house.

All of y'all ought
to be ashamed.

Drinking like a school of fish.

My Bible says, "Be
not drunk with wine."

What it say about Scotch?

That's what I wanna know.


Hey, Esther, why don't
you go someplace else?

Why don't you go ugly up
somebody else's house?

Who you calling ugly, sucker?


I could throw some tracing
paper over your head

and draw me a moose face.

Hey, Pop. Aunt
Esther. Everybody.

ALL: Hey, Lamont.

How was the funeral?

Beautiful, Lamont.

And Reverend Trimble
preached a beautiful eulogy.

I didn't believe a word
of it, but it was beautiful.

And Junior sure looked
natural laying there, didn't he?

How he look natural,
he didn't raise up

and say nothing about my $9.47?

I can't understand how come

it's always the good
people that have to go?

And at the tender age of 64.

Only 64.

Say that's two years
younger than you, Fred.

Ain't nobody asked you
how old the man was.

Let's talk about something else.

Yeah, you all need to
talk about something else.

You're just
depressing yourselves.

If you did something
meaningful with your lives,

you wouldn't have
time to sit around here

and worry about dying.

Meaningful like what? Like work.

Work? That's right.

That'll kill you.

That's right.

This good friend of
mine, Willard Ross...

Willie Ross? Yeah.

Worked his self to death.

He was mixing some cement

and he had a heart
attack and died.

He fell right into the bucket

and the cement hardened
and they had to chip it away

before they could bury him.

It was just his time to go.

The Lord put him
here to lay cement,

and when the Lord figured his
cement-laying days was over,

he called him home.

The Lord could have
gave him a break

and let him live
a little bit longer,

get some of that
Social Security money.

That's blasphemy, Fred Sanford,

and I'm not gonna be
guilty by association.


I don't wanna associate
with you anyway.

Look, Aunt Esther,
you don't have to leave.

That's all right, Lamont.

I was just waiting to
say hello to you anyway.

Besides, I have
to go to a funeral.

A funeral? You just left one.

This one is hers,
can't you tell?

Go on and laugh, but you
won't be laughing on the last day

when you stand before
the Lord in judgment.


There will be weeping
and gnashing of teeth."

Esther, if you don't
get out of here,

there's gonna be some weeping
and some smashing of teeth.


All of you are a
bunch of heathens!

I won't have to be abiding
with you all in heaven.

All of you going to hell!


Let's drink to the bat leaving.

I'll drink to that.

Hey, look, why don't
guys stop all this drinking?

You're only gonna make
yourselves depressed.

Now why don't you do something

to pick up your
spirits, all right?

You know, for once
Lamont was right.

Let's talk about
something pleasant...

while we pick up our spirits.


That's right because life is
too short to always be worrying

about the whereabouts
of the Grim Reaper.

We ain't here long
enough to enjoy ourselves.

Grady, when's the last
time you had a date?

Last night.

Remember you and me sat
right here and watched Star Trek.

No, Grady, I mean
a date with a woman.

Oh, that kind.

See that, you don't
even remember.

Why can't we have us a party?

I got the place.

I got the taste.

All we gotta do is
round up some girls

and then we can
have our own party.

Hot dog, a frog! I know
just the women we want.

Who? The Butt Sisters.

Oh, man, not them!

Not the Butt Sisters.

Hell no, not the Butt Sisters.

Anybody but the Butt Sisters.

We wanna have a
party, not a sideshow.

Well, who do you wanna invite?

Well, I don't know.

You know, somebody
with some oomph.

You know, like that guy on
the radio, uh, Wolfman Jack.

VOICE] Hey, look here, baby.

Yeah, we got you here...

We're gonna have somebody
here make your liver quiver

and put some
glide in your stride.

Yeah, and put some
cut in your strut.

Yeah, baby.

Any y'all know
anybody like that?

I think I know somebody
who would be right up our alley.

Who? Fast Fanny.

She works as a topless waitress

at the bowling
alley down the block.

You know her?

Well, I sort of know her.

And I figure she
owes me a favor.

She spilled a drink in my
lap once and I still tipped her.

BUBBA: Yeah?

Well, look, Grady,

do you think you
could get Fast Fanny

to bring some of her friends
over here to our party?

Well, it's worth a try.

I'll run right on over there
now and see what I can do.

Yeah. You do that,
Grady, and you fellas,

I'm gonna straighten
around the house up here.

And you guys, go
home and take a bath

and change and put
on some fresh socks.

And look here, one more thing.

Change your drawers.

♪ That's all they
serve At night ♪

♪ Back in Nagasaki Where
the fellers chew tobaccy ♪

♪ And the women
do the wacky woo ♪

♪ Fujiyama, grab your momma ♪

♪ Wrap your troubles
In a dream, boy ♪

♪ North and South Dakota
Wake up in the morning ♪♪

How's your lunch, son?

Fine, Pop. Hey, I'm glad to
see you're in a good mood, man,

and you're not
depressed anymore.

Oh, no, I'm taking your advice.

I'm doing something
meaningful with my life.

Really? You gonna do some work?

No. I figure you
only go around once.

And you gotta grab
all the gusto you can.

So from now on, I'm
gonna be a gusto-grabber.

Oh, really? What kind of
gusto you plan on grabbing?

Any kind I get my grabbers on.

What about your arthritis?

Better to grab with, my son.

What about your heart?

Well, as long as my
grabber is grabbing,

my ticker will be ticking.

Just gonna be
fun, fun, fun, huh?

Right. Fun, fun, fun, son.

Bring on the wine,
women and the song.

Pop, at your age, you
can't afford to do that.

Why not?

Because if you have too
much wine and women,

the song is gonna be
"Nearer My God to Thee."

You don't know what
you're talking about.

All right.


Listen, you enjoy your lunch.

I'll get that.




♪ Oo-ooh Ay-aay ♪

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Hey, Grady, that was fast.

And Fast Fanny's fast.

Yeah, Fred.

Fanny had a few minutes,
so she came right on over.

Fred, I'd like for you
to meet Fast Fanny

and Fanny, meet Fred Sanford.

Hello, Mr. Sanford.

Uh, don't be too formal.

Just call me Freddy,
like in Ready Freddy.

Hey, hey, Fanny, I'm
glad you were free.

Well, I'm not exactly
free, but I'm reasonable.

I told you she was fast.

Yeah, she sure is.

Fanny, come over
here and sit down.

Oh, all right.

Uh, look, I guess,
uh, uh, Shady Grady

told you about the party
we planning on tonight.

Yes, he did.

But first let's get an
understanding established.

Yeah, by all means.

Are all the men at this
party about your age?

Yeah, why?

Well, because me
and my girlfriends

don't wanna be responsible
for any heart attacks.

Oh, you don't have to worry

about nothing like
that happening.

And another thing, if you
want this party to move,

I mean really take off,

just make sure there's
plenty to eat, plenty to drink

and a lot of good music.

Yeah, well, we plan to
boogie-woogie all night long.

Yeah. We just let our hair down

and let everybody
go with themselves.

Yeah. And my
destination is in sight.

You're cute.

How many of my friends
do you want me to bring?

Oh, let me see. Uh,
there's Shady Grady.

That's me.

And there's, uh...
There's Slick Skillet

and there's, uh, Big Boy Bubba

and Lucky Leroy and... and...

About four of them.

Okay. And, uh, which one is he?

Oh, that's Left-out Lamont.

You see, he... He
won't be at the party.

Oh, that's too bad.
He's kind of cute.

Yeah, you ain't seen him
when he gets up in the morning.

Say, uh, Fred, I gotta get Fanny

back over to the
bowling alley now.

Hey, thanks a lot there, Grady.

And thanks, Fanny.

And Fanny...? Uh, Fanny...?

What's your last name?

Fast, faster and
out of sight. Yeah!

Pop, you're not really gonna
have that party here, are you?

I mean, I know you're
not gonna have it here.

Oh, no? Well, you just watch.

This is just the beginning.

See, I intend to party
lightly, slightly, politely,

and, if possible, all nightly.

Excuse me.


Hey, Poppa... Oh, no.

Hey, Pop!


FRED: What?

What is all of this
junk doing down here?

FRED: What do you expect
to find in a junkyard, dummy?

I'm talking about
all this party junk.

It looks like you're
planning on having an orgy.

I don't believe this,
man. I just don't believe it.

FRED: You don't believe what?

What have you got on?

It's a Superfly suit.
What does it look like?

It looks like you got
on a floral arrangement

from Junior Cooper's funeral.

Well, who asked you?

Where'd you get that
thing from anyway?

This ain't no thing and
I got it down the street

at a going-back-to-jail sale.

It only cost me six bucks

and the guy who sold
it to me got six months.

You know, you really
act silly for an old man.

Why don't you
try acting your age

instead of your shoe size?

You keep talking to me like
that and you'll feel my shoe size.

I don't wanna hear
nothing you gotta say

and you're not gonna talk
me out of giving this party.

Yeah, well, I'm not just
gonna stand around here

and watch you make
a fool out of yourself.

I shouldn't even let you have
this party in the house anyway.

Let me have it?
Are you a fool, fool?

Whose name is on
the deed to this house?


Whose name is on all
three of the mortgages?


Well, then whose house is it?

The finance company's.

Well, you know
what I'm talking about.

This is my house.
And this is my party.

And if you don't
wanna stay at the party,

you could find you
somewhere else to go tonight

because we gonna
boogie-woogie here all night long.


The door. Would
you get that for me?


I wish you could see
how ridiculous you look.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Let's get it on.
Let's get it together.

Hey, look at Fred's suit.

Man, you look clean!

Good goobully-woo.

I hope them girls
don't scare easy, Fred,

because that suit's a monster.

Say, Fred, that's one of
them Superman suits, ain't it?

Superfly, Bubba. Superfly.

Say, where are all the girls?

Don't be impatient.
They ain't here yet.

Yeah, I figured
we'd need a little time

to get ourselves together
before they arrive.

And I got just the
thing to get us together.

ALL: Ooh, yeah.

I can stand that.
Yeah, how about that?

All right. Yes, indeed.

I'm ready for this.
Yes, sir. Mm-hm.

I think it's only right

we should drink
to Junior Cooper.

You know one thing?

That's true, because
if Junior hadn't died,

we wouldn't be here
having all this fun.


I knew Junior Cooper was
gonna be good for something.

To Junior Cooper!

ALL: To Junior Cooper!

Why don't you grab yourself
a drink and join the party.

Uh, no thanks, Grady.

You guys go ahead.
Just count me out.

You party-pooper.

Why don't you take your
wet blanket someplace else?





Hey, hey, hey!

You all remember how we
used to do the Lindy Hop?

Who? I invented it.

Watch this.

Go ahead.

Go, go, go, Leroy.

Go on, Leroy, ha, ha!

Yeah! Yeah!


Uh, hello, brother,
can I speak to Fanny?

Yeah, Fast Fanny.

Hello, Fast Fanny?

Uh, this is Lamont Sanford.

Yeah, Left-out Lamont.

Listen, you're
supposed to be coming

to a party at my
Pop's house tonight.

Oh, no, no, no. They're
still having a party.

It's just that, it'll
be a little late, see,

because the liquor got delayed.


Yeah, well, listen, uh...

I'm gonna come over
to the bowling alley

and walk you and
the ladies over here

so you won't get
mugged on the way.

Yeah, well, I think
I'm sweet too. Bye.

Hey, listen, any of you
guys remember Wham?

Yeah. Yeah!

Let's do Wham.


♪ Wham be-vop to boom vam ♪

♪ I can swing it I been down ♪

♪ Wham re-bop to boom bam ♪

♪ I'm gonna get some
bootie Yes, I am ♪

♪ Wham be-bop to boom bam ♪

♪ I can do the Suzie-Q ♪

♪ Wham be-bop to boom bam ♪

♪ If I can do it so can you ♪

♪ Folks say Swing won't stay ♪

♪ And it's dying out ♪

♪ I don't want you in my crew ♪

♪ You don't know what
You're talking about ♪♪

Wait a minute! Wait
a minute. Hold it!

Hold it. Phew.

I better take it easy.

I don't wanna be all whammed
out when the girls get here.

Yeah, I'm kind of tired myself.

My heart's going
like a racehorse,

and we ain't even
got in the gate yet.

Hey, hey, hey, what
is going on out here?

I thought y'all
was having a party.

How come you're so quiet?

Ain't nothing going on, son.

We just wanna rest up

because we don't wanna be all
sweaty when the girls get here.

Yeah, but you
can't have no party

sitting around here like this.

You've got to have drinks
and music and dancing.

Come on. This is a party.

Yeah, you're right, son.

No one sits around here.

Skillet, come on out here
and show me that soft-shoe

that you supposed
to be famous for.

Aw, you don't know about
that. That's before your time.

Well, try me. Try you?

Yes. Come on. This is
supposed to be a party.




Wait, wait, wait, wait.


Oh, now wait a minute, now.

Don't tell me you're
getting tired already, Skillet.

I'm not tired, I'm exhausted.

You're getting older, Skillet.

Let me at the young blood.

Can you do the
Lindy Hop, Lamont?

No, you gotta show
me that one, Leroy.

I'll show it to you.
Come on, let's jump.

Let's show him.


Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That ain't no Lindy Hop.

Come on, Grady,

let's show them
the way to do this.

Yeah. Yeah.

Say, Fred, remember
how we used to slow drag?

Now wait a minute.

I ain't gonna slow drag, Grady.

I ain't gonna do that.

I'll wait till Fast
Fanny gets here.

Now you have to
dance by yourself.

No, no, that's all right.

Okay. How about you, Bubba?

Man, you must be
crazy. I'm Leroy's partner.



That's it, yeah.
Whoa! That's it.

We're supposed
to be having a party.

Now let's have a party.

Let me see these
glasses over here.

You got two glasses? Thank you.

This is supposed...

♪ Gonna have some fun tonight ♪♪

Well, here we are, ladies.

Hey, sounds like they're
really getting down in there.

Yeah, I don't think you
can get any more down

than they are right now.

What are we waiting
for? Yeah, let's do it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me just go in there
and see if all systems are go.

Oh. All right.

Yeah, it's green
lights all the way.



It's party time, ladies,
and here they are!

Say, what is this, a joke?

No, no, no, no.

This ain't no joke.

No, now you know
this ain't no joke.

These are your party partners.

Now over here you've
got Bad Boy Bubba.

There's Lucky Leroy.

Down there is Slick Skillet.

And over here, you
got Shady Grady

and here's the
ringleader, Ready Freddy.

Ready for what? The bone-yard?

Fanny, is this the good
time you promised us?

Ain't this some stuff?

Of all the jive turkeys,
these buzzards take the cake.

They even drank
up all the liquor.

I ain't never going to
another senior citizens' party

in my life.

Me, neither. Let's
get out of here.


♪ The old gray dudes ♪

♪ They ain't what
They used to be ♪

♪ Ain't what they used to be ♪


♪ Ain't what... ♪♪


Morning, Pop.


Ah! Don't fire that gun.

Hey, man, I see you
regained consciousness.

You know what I think?

I think you grabbed for
a little bit too much gusto.

Yeah, son.

Ready Freddy gonna
be Sensible Sanford.

I'm gonna take that...

I'm gonna take that Superfly
suit down to the pawnshop

and throw the ticket away.

Now, that's the way I like
to hear my old man talk.

Oh, I almost forgot, Pop.
This came for you in the mail.

Read it for me, son. It
hurts me to focus my eyes.

Hey, it's from Fast Fanny.

This admits one to
the grand opening

of the Magic Fingers
Massage Parlor.

Hey, give me that.

Magic Fingers.

Jefferson and Crenshaw.

Wait. Wait a minute, now.

Don't tell me you're
going to a massage parlor.

No, I'm going to the pawnshop,

then I'm going to
the massage parlor.

I thought you said you was
gonna be sensible, Pop?

Well, what could be
more sensible than that?

It's free, ain't it?

Oh, man, look at you.

You ain't in no
shape to go nowhere.

Don't tell me what
to do. I'm grown.


Hey, son, what's that...
What's that out there?


Oh... Here, son, you take
this suit to the pawnshop.

I'm gonna get me some rest.


Hey, hey, son.


After you leave the pawnshop,

stop by the massage parlor

and see if they
make house calls.


and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.