Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 5 - Tooth or Consequences - full transcript

♪♪ [ Humming ]

HEY, MORNING, BUBBA. WHAT
YOU DOING HERE SO EARLY?

I JUST STOPPED BY
FOR A CUP OF COFFEE.

YEAH? WHERE'S POP?
HE'S GETTIN' THE COFFEE.

OH. BUBBA, CAN I SEE THAT
SPORTS PAGE? YEAH, HERE.

POP, COULD YOU MAKE
THAT TWO COFFEES?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO YELL LOUDER
THAN THAT. HE WENT TO THE STORE TO GET IT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

HE KNOWS IF I DON'T HAVE A CUP
OF COFFEE AS SOON AS I GET UP,

MY HANDS START TO SHAKE
AND MY EYES GET ALL BLURRY.

THAT'S FUNNY. THE SAME THING HAPPENS
TO ME AFTER I DRINK YOUR FATHER'S COFFEE.



I CAN'T WAIT. I'M GOING DOWN TO
THE DINER. WAIT. HE'LL BE BACK SOON.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
THE WAY HE MOVES?

IT TAKES HIM OVER AN HOUR
JUST TO MAKE MINUTE RICE.

HE WON'T BE GONE LONG. HE'S
NOT WALKING. HE TOOK THE TRUCK.

HE TOOK THE TRUCK? HE DIDN'T.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
THAT? HE'S A ROTTEN DRIVER.

WHO, FRED? HE'S BEEN
DRIVING BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

YEAH, AND THAT WAS A GOOD
TIME FOR HIM TO BE DRIVING TOO...

'CAUSE THERE WAS FEWER
PEOPLE ON THE STREETS TO BE HIT.

DID HE TAKE HIS GLASSES?
YEAH, HE TOOK THREE PAIR.

ONE FOR DRIVING, ONE FOR READING
AND ONE FOR HIS DIZZY SPELLS.

WE'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, BUBBA.

LISTEN, LAMONT. MY
MOTHER ALWAYS SAID,

"THERE'S NO SENSE IN WORRYING ABOUT
SOMETHING THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET."



YEAH, WELL, I
GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

UH-OH. YOU CAN
START WORRYING NOW.

HEY, POP, WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S OKAY. YOUR FATHER HAD A
LITTLE ACCIDENT. I'LL HANDLE THIS.

IT'S OKAY. YOUR FATHER
HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT.

OKAY, WHAT HAPPENED? WHO'D YOU
HIT AND HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE DEAD?

I DIDN'T HIT NOBODY. THEY HIT ME.
THEY RAMMED ME FROM THE REAR.

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE, MINDING MY
OWN BUSINESS, THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, WHAM.

HOLD IT. "DRIVER
STRUCK VEHICLE...

WHILE SITTING THERE MINDING HIS OWN
BUSINESS, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, BAM."

NO. WHAM.

THAT'S W-H-A-M. THAT'S
"HAM" WITH A "W" IN FRONT.

I KNOW. WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

THEN I ALMOST WENT
THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD.

THAT'S W-I-N-D...

WELL, IF YOU CAN SPELL "WHAM,"
YOU CAN SPELL WINDSHIELD.

- WEREN'T YOU WEARING
YOUR SEAT BELTS?
- WHAT?

YOUR SEAT BELTS. DON'T YOU
HAVE SEAT BELTS IN THE TRUCK?

FIRST THINGS COME FIRST. WE
JUST HAD THE SEAT PUT IN LAST WEEK.

YOU WERE STRUCK
FROM BEHIND. THEN WHAT?

THEN THE GUY THAT HIT ME, HE JUST
WENT AROUND AND JUST DROVE OFF.

DID YOU GET A LICENSE NUMBER
OR SEE WHO WAS DRIVING THE CAR?

NO, I DIDN'T GET NO LICENSE NUMBER,
BUT I SAW WHO WAS DRIVING THE CAR.

IT WAS A WHITE FELLA
DRIVING A BLACK CADILLAC.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT
THAT, POP? SURE, I'M SURE.

THERE'S MORE WHITE
MEN IN BLACK CADILLACS...

THAN IT IS BLACK MEN
IN WHITE CADILLACS.

SO IT WAS A WHITE MAN
IN A BLACK CADILLAC.

MR. SANFORD, AS FAR
AS YOU CAN ASCERTAIN,

DID YOU SUFFER ANY BODILY INJURIES SUCH
AS FRACTURES, CONTUSIONS OR CONCUSSIONS?

DID YOU GET DONE IN?

NO, I DIDN'T GET DONE IN. I FEEL ALL
RIGHT. I JUST GOT SHOOK UP A LITTLE.

YOU HAD TO TAKE THE TRUCK, DIDN'T
YOU? WHO TOLD YOU TO TAKE THE TRUCK?

NOBODY HAD TO TELL ME TO TAKE THE
TRUCK. IT'S MY TRUCK. I GOT CIVIL RIGHTS.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A DRIVER'S
LICENSE. YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT I HAVE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS IN HERE? WELL,
LOOK AT THAT. WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?

IT LOOKS LIKE A J.C.
PENNEY CHARGE PLATE.

WAIT A MINUTE. OH, HERE
IT IS. WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

"CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S
LICENSE. FRED SANFORD."

S-A-N-F-O-R-D. PERIOD.

MAY I SEE THE LICENSE PLEASE?

YOU WOULDN'T WANNA SEE IT.
IT'S GOT AN AWFUL BAD PICTURE.

LET'S GO DOWN, TAKE
A LOOK AT THAT TRUCK.

WHERE IS THE TRUCK?
DOWN AT THE CORNER.

IS THAT DOWN BY
FULMER STREET? YEAH.

OKAY, WE'LL HAVE A LOOK.

WAIT TILL LAMONT SEES THE BACK OF
THAT TRUCK. HE'S GONNA BLOW HIS TOP.

FORGET ABOUT THE TRUCK. I CAN'T.

FORGET ABOUT
LAMONT. I'D LIKE TO.

LISTEN TO ME, FRED.
YOU DON'T KNOW THIS,

BUT, MAN, YOU ARE SITTING
ON TOP OF A GOLD MINE.

I'M WHAT?

LOOK, DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU WERE STOPPED IN
YOUR TRUCK MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS...

AND ANOTHER CAR RAMMED
INTO YOU FROM BEHIND?

YEAH. CADILLAC?

YEAH. WHITE MAN?

YEAH. FRED, YOU SITTING
ON TOP OF A GOLD MINE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- YOU EVER HEAR OF WHIPLASH?

WHIPLASH. IS THAT THE
MOVIE WITH BUSTER CRABBE?

NO. YOU'RE THINKING
ABOUT WHIPSAW.

THAT'S RIGHT. WHIPSAW.

I CAN SEE IT NOW. IT WAS
A MOVIE ON TELEVISION.

YOU KNOW WHO WAS IN IT? DENNIS
MORGAN AND IDA "LUPINI." YEAH, BUT...

IT MUST'VE BEEN SPENCER TRACY
AND MYRNA LOY. LISTEN, FRED...

LET ME TELL YOU. SIT
DOWN. SEE, SPENCER TRACY,

HE WAS A PLAINCLOTHES DETECTIVE, AND
HE WAS TRAILING MYRNA LOY IN THIS MOVIE.

WHEN HE GOT TO THIS FARMHOUSE, THEY WENT
INSIDE TO SEE WHAT THEY COULD DO TO HELP.

AND AS THEY TRIED TO HELP THIS
FARMER, HIS WIFE WAS HAVING QUINTUPLETS.

THEY HAD TO STAY ALL NIGHT LONG.
AND THE NEXT MORNING, HE SAID TO HER,

"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"

AND THEN SHE SAID, "OF
COURSE I'M ALL RIGHT."

HE SAID, "YOU BET
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT."

WATCH THIS, BUBBA. HE HIT
HER ON THE CHIN LIKE THIS,

"YOU BET YOU'RE ALL RIGHT."

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT WHIPSAW.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHIPLASH.

WHIPLASH IS WHAT YOU GET
WHEN YOU GET HIT FROM BEHIND.

THE INSURANCE COMPANIES PAY
REAL BIG FOR THAT. THEY DO, HUH?

I'M TELLING YOU, FRED,
YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR.

IT'S ALWAYS THE GUY THAT HITS
YOU IN THE BACK THAT'S TO BLAME.

HE HAS TO PAY. EVERY TIME.

EVERY TIME? EVERY TIME.

I WAS HIT FROM THE
BACK. YES, YOU WERE.

BY A CADILLAC. RIGHT.

DRIVEN BY A WHITE MAN. YEAH.

BUBBA, YOU KNOW, I AM
SITTING ON TOP OF A GOLD MINE.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?
YOU DON'T DO NOTHING.

JUST KEEP TELLING 'EM ABOUT YOUR NECK
FEELING FUNNY. MAKE A BIG THING OUT OF IT.

MAYBE I SHOULD GO BACK TO WHERE I HAD
THE ACCIDENT AND LAY DOWN IN THE STREET.

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. JUST KEEP
TALKING ABOUT YOUR NECK FEELING FUNNY.

WELL, MY NECK IS STARTING
TO "FEELING" FUNNY RIGHT NOW.

WELL, GOOD. JUST SEE HOW
FUNNY YOU CAN MAKE IT FEEL.

DON'T WORRY, BUBBA. WHEN I GET
FINISHED, MY NECK WILL BE HYSTERICAL.

WATCH OUT NOW. THEY'RE
COMING BACK. I'LL BE READY FOR 'EM.

THERE'S NOT THAT MUCH DAMAGE, NOT AS MUCH
AS I THOUGHT. IT COULD'VE BEEN A LOT WORSE.

[ Groaning ]

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- MY NECK'S FEELING FUNNY.

- YOUR NECK?
- YEAH. I CAN'T MOVE IT. SEE?

A FEW MINUTES AGO
YOUR NECK WAS FINE.

IT AIN'T FINE NOW. I'M SICK AND
MY NECK HURTS. TELL HIM, BUBBA.

THAT'S RIGHT. AS SOON AS YOU ALL WENT
OUT, HE TOLD ME HIS NECK FELT FUNNY.

IS IT A STIFF, PAINFUL FEELING?

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT
IS. A STIFF, PAINFUL FEELING.

AND I CAN'T EVEN TURN IT. SEE?

THAT'S VERY COMMON WHEN YOU'RE HIT FROM
BEHIND. YOU'VE PROBABLY GOT A WHIPLASH.

WHIPLASH. THAT'S
WHAT I GOT IS WHIPLASH.

YOU HEAR THAT, LAMONT? WHERE ARE
YOU, LAMONT? WHERE ARE YOU, SON?

YOU WANNA KNOW WHERE I AM?
STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU. WHERE?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I
GOT, BUBBA. WHIPLASH.

THAT'S RIGHT. I CAN SEE FROM
HERE YOU GOT A WHIPLASH.

AIN'T IT TRUE...

AIN'T IT TRUE THAT I CAN SUE
WHEN I GET THIS WHIPLASH, SWANNY?

SPEAKING OFF THE
RECORD, I CAN TELL YOU...

THAT IN CASES WHERE VEHICLE ONE IS
STRUCK FROM BEHIND BY VEHICLE TWO,

THE OCCUPANT OF VEHICLE ONE
IS IN A LEGAL OPTIMAL POSITION...

TO OBTAIN MONETARY COMPENSATION
FROM THE OCCUPANT OF VEHICLE TWO,

THAT PARTY BEING LIABLE FOR ALL THE DAMAGES
INCURRED BY THE OCCUPANT OF VEHICLE ONE.

BROTHER, YOU'RE SITTING
ON TOP OF A GOLD MINE.

SMITTY. HUH?

WHAT? OH. UH,
LISTEN. WHAT I MEAN IS,

WE CAN'T LAY ANY LEGAL
ADVICE ON YOU, UNDERSTAND?

ALL WE CAN DO IS GET THE FACTS.

WELL, YOU GOT MY NAME? YOU
GOT WHIPLASH? YEAH. RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL THE FACTS YOU NEED.

VERY WELL, MR. SANFORD. WE'LL GET
RIGHT ON IT. YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM US.

I WANNA HEAR FROM THAT GUY WHO WAS
DRIVING THAT CADILLAC. HE'S RESPONSIBLE.

I'M GONNA SUE HIM FOR
EVERYTHING HE'S GOT.

RIGHT IN. ON. ON. ON.

CONGRATULATIONS,
FRED. BEAUTIFUL.

AND THANKS, BUBBA, FOR TIPPING
ME OFF ABOUT THAT WHIPLASH.

IT RHYMES WITH "GET CASH." YEAH.

ARE YOU TWO SERIOUS? DO YOU ACTUALLY
THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET AWAY WITH THIS?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- ABOUT HOW YOU CLAIM YOU GOT HIT
BY A WHITE MAN IN A CADILLAC.

- YOU THINK I'M LYING?
- NO, I THINK YOU'RE DREAMING.

IT'S BETTER TO DREAM ABOUT GETTING
HIT BY A WHITE MAN IN A CADILLAC...

THAN BY A BLACK MAN IN A TOYOTA.

I AIN'T DREAMING. AND I'LL
BETCHA HE'LL THINK TWICE...

BEFORE HE COMES DRIVING AROUND THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN IN HIS BIG CADILLAC.

POP, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT? THE STREETS

ARE PUBLIC. YOU CAN
DRIVE WHEREVER YOU WANT.

YOU THINK SO? THAT'S RIGHT.

DID YOU EVER TRY CRUISING
THROUGH BEVERLY HILLS?

NO, BUT I CAN IF I WANT TO.

YOU DO THAT. AND YOU'LL COME
AWAY FEELING LIKE A CHEAP WATCH.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT MEANS YOU'LL BE
STOPPED EVERY FEW SECONDS.

EXPLAIN TO ME HOW COME YOUR
NECK IS ALL OF A SUDDEN ALL RIGHT.

OH, THERE IT GOES AGAIN.

CAN YOU HEAR IT CLICK? LISTEN.

[ Snaps Fingers ]

WELL, IT WAS CLICKING. YOU CAN
DIE FROM SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?

I'M COMIN' TO JOIN YOU,
HONEY, WITH A CLICKING NECK.

FRED, I HOPE YOU SUE THE
PANTS OFF THE GUY THAT HIT YOU.

I AM. I'M GONNA SUE HIM
FOR EVERYTHING I CAN GET.

JUST WAIT TILL I GET IN THAT
WITNESS CHAIR. LOOK, BUBBA.

I'M IN THE WITNESS CHAIR. YOU'RE
THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS.

ASK ME WHAT HAPPENED.

WHAT HAPPENED, MR. SANFORD?
I GOT HIT FROM THE BACK.

ASK ME WHO HIT ME. WHO
HIT YOU, MR. SANFORD?

A WHITE MAN IN A NEW CADILLAC.

ASK ME WHAT I'M SITTING ON. WHAT
ARE YOU SITTING ON, MR. SANFORD?

I AM SITTING ON TOP OF A
GOLD MINE, YOUR HONOR.

♪ A GOLD MINE IN THE SKY ♪

♪ FAR AWAY FAR AWAY ♪♪

HEY, POP, I'M DOWN. IS
BREAKFAST READY YET?

MORNING, SON.

WHAT IS THAT?

- WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
- YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW?

YOU LOOK LIKE A BIG, FAT TURTLE.

YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL
WHEN YOU GO TO THE BEACH.

SOME KID'S LIABLE TO TAKE YOU
HOME AND MAKE A PET OUT OF YOU.

ARE YOU FINISHED? I JUST WANNA
KNOW, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

BUBBA GAVE IT TO ME. YOU GOTTA WEAR
ONE OF THESE WHEN YOU GOT WHIPLASH.

IT MAKES IT MORE CORRECT
WHEN YOU GO TO COLLECT.

YOU'RE REALLY COUNTING ON
THAT, AREN'T YOU? WHY SHOULDN'T I?

WHY SHOULDN'T YOU? A: THEY DON'T HAVE
ANY OTHER WITNESSES WHO SAW THE OTHER CAR.

B: THEY MIGHT NOT EVER
FIND THE OTHER CAR.

C: I THINK YOU MADE
THE WHOLE THING UP.

SHALL I CONTINUE?
NO, I'LL CONTINUE.

D: YOU'RE A DUMMY. E: EVERYBODY
KNOWS ABOUT WHIPLASH.

F: THEY GONNA FIND THE MAN. AND G: I
WISH YOU WOULD GET THE "H" OUTTA HERE.

[ Knocking ]

I WONDER WHO
THAT IS. I DON'T KNOW.

YOU CAN'T GET NO MONEY
FROM THAT WHIPLASH, I'LL BETCHA.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING A CENT, BECAUSE
YOU DRUMMED UP THE WHOLE THING.

MR. SANFORD? FRED SANFORD? YEAH.

I'M DR. CALDWELL. [ Coughing ]

YOUR FRIEND, BUBBA, SUGGESTED
THAT I COME BY AND HAVE A LOOK AT YOU.

COME ON IN, DOC.
THIS IS MY SON, LAMONT.

GOOD MORNING, YOUNG MAN.
SAY, WHAT'S GOING ON, POP?

BUBBA SAID YOU GOTTA HAVE A DOCTOR
TO PROVE THAT YOU GOT WHIPLASH.

YOU JUST CAN'T TELL 'EM. YOU
GOT TO HAVE A DOCTOR. [ Coughing ]

AND YOU'RE A DOCTOR?

IN SOME STATES.

AND YOU'RE GONNA EXAMINE MY POP?

THAT'S THE PURPOSE OF MY CALL.

HOW CAN YOU PROVE
IF A MAN HAS WHIPLASH?

MR. SANFORD, AFTER YOU
WERE STRUCK FROM BEHIND,

DID YOUR NECK FEEL FUNNY? YEAH.

THIS MAN HAS WHIPLASH.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT?

THAT'S ABSOLUTELY
ALL THERE IS TO IT.

TELL ME SOMETHING, DOCTOR.

ARE YOU A BONE SPECIALIST?

NO. I'M A WHIPLASH SPECIALIST.

THAT'S ALL YOU DO? JUST ABOUT.

IT'S A PRETTY BIG FIELD.

I THINK IT'S THIRD IN THE COUNTRY TODAY.
OBSTETRICS, DERMATOLOGY AND WHIPLASH.

AND THEY PAY A LOT OF
MONEY FOR THAT, DON'T THEY?

- THAT DEPENDS. WHO HIT YOU?
- A WHITE MAN IN A NEW CADILLAC.

I'D START TAKING
SOME FRENCH LESSONS.

WELL, WHY WOULD I
TAKE FRENCH LESSONS?

IT'LL BE EASIER WHEN YOU GO
TO LIVE ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA.

♪ MADEMOISELLE FROM
ARMENTIERES PARLEZ-VOUS ♪

THAT WILL BE TEN DOLLARS.

HERE IS MY TELEPHONE NUMBER. THERE'S ALWAYS
SOMEBODY THERE. CALDWELL AND CALDWELL.

CALDWELL? IS THAT YOUR
BROTHER? HE'S A DOCTOR TOO?

OH, NO, THAT'S MY FATHER.
THE TELEPHONE'S IN HIS NAME.

GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.

THANKS A LOT, DOC. [ Coughing ]

YOU BETTER GET A DOCTOR TO LOOK
AND SEE ABOUT THAT COUGH, DOC.

YOU STILL WORRIED?

YOU HEARD THE DOCTOR SAY I CAN
GET MONEY FOR THIS. THEY PAY GOOD.

THEY. WAIT UNTIL THEY
FIND OUT YOU'RE FAKING.

WHO'S FAKING? YOU ARE.

I'M NOT FAKING. I REALLY
GOT A PAIN IN THE NECK.

YOU HAVE, HUH? YEAH, AND THE MORE
I TALK TO YOU, IT MOVES DOWNWARD.

I STILL SAY THAT YOU'RE FAKING. YOU
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WHIPLASH WAS.

I DO NOW. WHEN YOU GET HIT
FROM THE BACK, THAT'S WHIPLASH.

WHEN YOU GET HIT FROM THE
FRONT, THAT'S ONE ACROSS THE LIPS.

[ Horn Honking ]

NOW WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S HIM. COME ON OUT. I
WANT YOU TO SEE SOMETHING.

MR. SANFORD? YEAH.

DON SANDERSON OF
SANDERSON MOTORS.

THERE IT IS. ISN'T SHE A BEAUTY?

WHAT'S GOING ON? WHOSE
PICKUP TRUCK IS THAT?

IT'S OURS, OR IT'S GONNA BE. AND A
GREAT LITTLE BUY YOU'RE GETTING TOO.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- LAMONT, WE'RE GONNA NEED
A NEW TRUCK.

WHAT FOR? THERE WASN'T THAT
MUCH DAMAGE DONE TO THE OLD ONE.

ARE YOU KIDDING? THE
TAILGATE WAS ALL SMASHED.

IT WAS DENTED.

IT WAS CAVED IN. AND I AIN'T GONNA
DRIVE AROUND WITH MY TAILGATE CAVED IN.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THIS
TRUCK. THAT'S WHAT THEY

ALL SAY TILL WE SIT
DOWN AND SHOW YOU...

HOW EASY IT IS TO BE THE PROUD
OWNER OF A NEW FIRESIDE 360.

AIR-CONDITIONING, RADIO...
MR. SANDERSON, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

TIME? IS THAT YOUR
PROBLEM? WHAT DO YOU NEED,

36 MONTHS? I'LL GIVE
YOU THE TIME YOU NEED.

NO, YOU SEE, WE CAN'T
AFFORD THIS TRUCK...

BECAUSE LAST YEAR OUR
SALES WAS WAY DOWN AND...

DOWN? YOU WANNA KNOW HOW MUCH YOU
HAVE TO PUT DOWN. WOULD YOU BELIEVE...

MR. SANDERSON, THERE'S NO WAY
WE CAN AFFORD THIS TRUCK. NO WAY.

OH.

WELL, YOUR FATHER FELT
RATHER CERTAIN YOU COULD.

AND WE CAN. MAYBE NOT THIS VERY MINUTE,
BUT WE COULD HAVE HIM HOLD IT FOR US.

WE'RE COMIN' INTO A WHOLE
LOT OF MONEY REAL SOON.

AN INHERITANCE? NO. WHIPLASH.

YOU WERE IN AN ACCIDENT? YEAH, RAMMED
FROM THE REAR BY A GUY DRIVING A CADILLAC.

HE HIT YOU? YEAH.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING? STANDING AT A TRAFFIC
LIGHT, WAITING ON A SIGNAL TO CHANGE.

A NEW CADILLAC? BRAND-NEW.

IN WHOSE NAME WILL THE TRUCK
BE REGISTERED? WE CAN'T AFFORD...

[ Arguing ]

HOLD IT! HOLD IT! HOLD IT!

DON'T INTERFERE IN FAMILY
ARGUMENTS. WE DIDN'T CALLED THE POLICE.

[ Arguing ]

FRED, WE GOT GOOD NEWS.

THEY APPREHENDED THE SUSPECT WHO HIT
YOUR VEHICLE. THEY DID? WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

COME DOWN TO THE STATION AND
IDENTIFY HIM. LET'S GO DOWN AND IDENTIFY.

WAIT FOR US,
MR. SANDERSON. DON'T MOVE.

MOVE? WHY SHOULD WE
MOVE? SANDERSON MOTORS

HAS BEEN AT THE SAME
LOCATION FOR 22 YEARS.

WE'RE THE NUMBER-ONE CHOICE OF
NEW CAR BUYERS IN ALL OF LOS ANGELES.

WE TALK EVERYBODY'S
LANGUAGE. SE HABLE ESPANOL.

BUON GIORNO. SHALOM. RIGHT ON.

MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE. SIT
DOWN HERE, FRED. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

SMITTY, NOW, YOU SAY IT'S A
HIT-AND-RUN, SO HE'S IN BIG TROUBLE, HUH?

BIG TROUBLE. THEY'LL
THROW THE BOOK AT HIM.

SEE THAT? I TOLD YA, THEY'RE
GONNA THROW THE BOOK AT HIM.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF BOOK?
A CHECKBOOK, AUTOGRAPHED TO ME.

THAT'S RIGHT. WHEE!

♪ THERE'S A GOLD
MINE IN THE SKY ♪♪

YOU WATCH. YOU DON'T
BELIEVE ME, DO YOU? NO, I DON'T.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE
NOTHIN'. EVEN WHEN YOU WAS

A KID, YOU DIDN'T
BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT
WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT.

WHO, ME?

YES, YOU. YOU TOLD ME
THERE WAS NO SANTA CLAUS.

I AIN'T TOLD YOU THERE
WAS NO SANTA CLAUS.

I SAID, WOULDN'T NO WHITE
MAN BE COMIN' 'ROUND

OUR NEIGHBORHOOD
WEARING NO RED VELVET SUIT.

HEY, FRED.

THAT'S THE MAN.
THAT'S HIM, SMITTY.

NO, THAT'S HIM. I'D RECOGNIZE THEM BEADY
BLUE EYES ANYWHERE. WAIT A MINUTE, FRED.

DON'T STOP ME. I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR A CHANCE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU DRIVE AROUND IN
THAT BIG OL' EXPENSIVE CAR.

YOU GOTTA OBEY THE LAW
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

YOU'RE A WORSE CRIMINAL
THAN THE WORST CRIMINAL.

LOCK HIM UP, AND
GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU, THIS
ISN'T THE MAN THAT RAN INTO YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU, TAKE
HIM OUTTA HERE AND...

HUH? WELL, WHO ARE YOU?

LIEUTENANT DRISCOLL OF THE
LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT.

[ Laughs ]

WELL, LIEUTENANT, YOU KNOW, ALL
YOU LIEUTENANTS LOOK ALIKE TO US.

WE'LL BE BRINGING THE SUSPECT IN
SHORTLY. WHO'S THIS GENTLEMAN?

THAT'S MY SON. LAMONT, THIS IS LIEUTENANT
DRISCOLL OF THE LOS ANGELES POLICE.

LIEUTENANT DRISCOLL.

WHO IS THIS, THE CAPTAIN?

THIS IS THE SUSPECT.

WHA... YEAH, OF COURSE
THAT'S THE SUSPECT.

YOU DON'T THINK I'D KNOW
THAT? THAT'S HIM, LAMONT.

MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE,
MR. SANFORD. OH, I'M SURE.

THIS IS THE END OF THE
LINE FOR YOU, PLAYBOY.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE COMING AROUND OUR
NEIGHBORHOOD, MESSING AROUND NO MORE.

I HOPE THEY TAKE YOUR CAR
AND YOUR HOUSE AWAY FROM YOU.

MR. SANFORD? WILL YOU HOLD ON?

YOU THINK YOU CAN
HURT PEOPLE AND DO LIKE

YOU PLEASE. IT'S A WHOLE
NEW BALL GAME TODAY.

MR. SANFORD... WILL YOU HUSH JUST A MOMENT?
I'M GONNA HAVE TO TEACH YOU A LESSON.

THE ONLY WAY I CAN DO THAT IS TO
SUE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT.

EVERYTHING. I AIN'T
GONNA TAKE NO MORE PITY

ON YOU THAN YOU TOOK
ON ME WHEN YOU HIT ME.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE
GONNA GET YOURS.

WHAT? I DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN'.

BETTER NOT SAY NOTHIN'.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THE ACCIDENT I HAD, I MIGHT
NOT EVER BE ABLE TO TURN MY NECK AGAIN.

I CAN'T EVEN TURN MY NECK. I WON'T
EVEN BE ABLE TO WATCH A TENNIS MATCH.

MR. SANFORD, LISTEN.

THIS IS NOT THE MAN THAT OWNS
THE CAR. HE'S THE ONE THAT HIT ME.

THAT'S TRUE. BUT HE DOESN'T
OWN THE CAR. HE STOLE THE CAR.

HE STOLE IT? THAT
MEAN I CAN'T SUE HIM?

THEN WHO'S GONNA PAY FOR THE
DAMAGE TO MY TRUCK AND MY NECK?

I DON'T KNOW. BUT THANK YOU FOR THE
COOPERATION. BOOK HIM, MEN, PLEASE.

LISTEN, POP, DON'T FEEL SO DOWN. THAT'S
THE WAY THE BREAKS FALL SOMETIMES.

BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. YOU
HELPED THE POLICE TO TRAP A CRIMINAL.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, POP? WE'RE
NOT THAT FAR FROM CHINATOWN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO THERE
AND GET OURSELVES A NICE DINNER...

AND JUST FORGET
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT DO YOU SAY, POP? OKAY.

HEY, DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
EAT WITH THAT THING AROUND YOUR NECK?

I DON'T KNOW. I KNOW THIS
RESTAURANT IN CHINATOWN.

WE CAN GO THERE AND FOR A BUCK AND
A QUARTER WE CAN GET SOME NICE FOOD.

POP, I'M HOME. WHERE ARE YOU?

I WAS FIXING SOME LUNCH. WHAT'S
UP? NOTHING. I PICKED UP THE TRUCK.

I LOOKS PRETTY GOOD. YOU CAN'T EVEN
TELL WHERE YOU WERE HIT. NO KIDDING.

YEAH. AND WE WERE LUCKY
TOO. THAT GUY WHO OWNED

THAT CADILLAC OFFERED
TO PAY FOR THE DAMAGES.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO
DO THAT. I KNOW THAT.

YOU SHOULD LET THAT
BE A LESSON TO YOU.

NEVER GO BUILDING UP YOUR
HOPES TOO HIGH. THAT WHAT I DID?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID. DID
YOU EVER HEAR OF OVERCONFIDENCE?

OVERCONFIDENCE. WAS
THAT WITH JAMES CAGNEY?

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT
HOW SOMEBODY LIKE BUBBA...

CAN COME IN HERE WITH SOME DUMB
SUGGESTION AND YOU GO OVERBOARD.

OVERBOARD. WITH DENNIS MORGAN
AND IDA LUPINI. THAT WAS IT. I SAW THAT.

DENNIS MORGAN WAS A
JEWEL THIEF. WAIT. MOVE OVER.

DENNIS MORGAN WAS A
JEWEL THIEF. HE HAD BEEN

TRAILIN' IDA LUPINI 'CAUSE
SHE HAD A LOT OF JEWELS.

THEY WERE ON THIS BIG OCEAN LINER.
HE FOLLOWED HER ALL THE WAY AROUND.

HE FOUND OUT WHEN SHE LEFT HER STATEROOM.
HE WENT IN THERE TO STEAL HER JEWELS.

SHE CAME BACK AND CAUGHT HIM. RIGHT THERE
ON THE SPOT, HE FELL IN LOVE WITH HER.

THERE WAS THIS BIG LOVE
SCENE WHEN HE SAID TO HER,

"I COULD NEVER STEAL ANYTHING
FROM YOU, YOU SON OF A GUN."

AND THEN HE HIT HER ON THE CHIN,
BOOM, LIKE THAT. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

WANNA KNOW HOW IT ENDED? NO.

[ Indistinct ]

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.