Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Card Sharps - full transcript
Fred is suspicious of Lamont's new poker buddies Skeeter, Rooster and Hucklebuck, convinced that they are setting him up to scam him out of his money. During the game, Fred keeps coming up with elaborate distractions to break up the game. When his attempts fail, he devises a way to get Lamont out of the picture so he can scam the trio out of their winnings.
[ Howling, Barking On TV ]
[ Woman Screaming ]
HEY, POP. SHH, SHH, SHH.
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING THAT FOR?
DON'T YOU EVER
GET TIRED OF THAT?
I WATCH WHAT I WANNA
WATCH. I'M GROWN.
YEAH, YOU'RE GROWN, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WATCH VAMPIRE MOVIES AND THEN
YOU HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT ON.
SHOW YOU WHAT YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A
VAMPIRE MOVIE. IT'S A WEREWOLF MOVIE.
OH. THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THERE'S SOMEBODY IN THERE LOOKS JUST
LIKE THE GIRL THAT I USED TO GO WITH...
BEFORE I MET YOUR MOTHER.
WHO, THAT WHITE WOMAN THERE?
NO, DUMMY.
WOLFMAN.
LOOK AT THAT. THERE HE IS.
LOOK. SAME LITTLE BEADY EYES.
SAME LITTLE BEADY,
BLOODSHOT EYES.
SAME KIND OF HAIR: SHORT.
YOU KNOW, HER HAIR WASN'T
THAT LONG. UGLY WOMAN.
HEY, POP, IF SHE WAS SO UGLY,
WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH HER?
SON, SHE WAS UGLY, BUT LORD
KNOWS THAT WOMAN COULD COOK.
SHE OUT-COOKED JULIA CHILD. SHE
OUT-COOKED THE GALLOPING GOURMET.
SHE OUT-COOKED MY MOTHER
MARY. SHE COULD COOK.
I REMEMBERED MANY TIMES
WE'D BE SITTING ON THE COUCH.
LIGHTS WERE LOW. MUSIC
WAS SOFT. GLENN MILLER.
♪ DE, DE-DE-DE ♪
♪ DE-DE-DE, DE-DE-DE
DE-DE-DE-DE ♪♪
SEE, I FORGET ALL THE WORDS.
I'D BE SITTING THERE AND
I'D PUT MY ARM AROUND HER.
COMFORTABLE. AND I'D
LOOK HER RIGHT IN THE FACE.
I'D SAY, "GEE WHIZ, WHY DON'T
YOU GET UP AND COOK SOMETHING?"
SEE, LOOK AT THAT. YOU MADE
ME MISS THE END OF THE MOVIE.
YOU WAS TELLING ME A STORY, POP.
YEAH, I LIKE TO REMINISCE
LIKE THAT SOME...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL DRESSED
UP? YOU GOT COMPANY COMING?
I DON'T NEED NONE OF YOUR
ROWDY FRIENDS AROUND HERE...
KEEPING ME FROM
GETTING MY SLEEP.
WELL, DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
GET YOUR SLEEP BECAUSE I'M GOING OUT.
OUT? OUT? OUT.
IS THERE AN ECHO IN HERE?
YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE
ME HERE ALL BY MYSELF...
IN THIS HOUSE, IN THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD, IN MY POOR CONDITION?
THE ANSWER TO ALL
FOUR QUESTIONS IS "YES."
WELL, WHAT IF A
BURGLAR BREAKS IN?
THEY'VE BEEN BREAKING IN
AROUND HERE, NIGHT AND DAY.
YEAH, I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK
IN HERE AND TAKE SOME OF THIS JUNK.
IT'S NOTHING TO
BE KIDDING ABOUT.
I WON'T BE ABLE TO GO TO SLEEP
KNOWING THAT YOU AIN'T HERE.
OKAY, POP. WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE YOURSELF A NICE, HOT WHISKEY TODDY?
- NOW, THAT'LL
HELP YOU SLEEP.
- THAT WON'T HELP ME SLEEP.
HOT WHISKEY TODDY'LL KEEP ME UP.
THEN MAKE YOURSELF
A WARM GLASS OF MILK.
WARM MILK MAKES ME BURP.
OKAY, THEN WHY DON'T YOU DRINK A GLASS
OF VINEGAR AND SUCK ON A GREEN LEMON?
- WILL THAT HELP ME SLEEP?
- NO, BUT IT'LL DRAW
YOUR JAWS UP SO TIGHT,
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO
OPEN YOUR BIG MOUTH.
YOU SURE ARE COLD AND
HEARTLESS, YOU KNOW THAT?
WHAT IF YOU CAME BACK HOME
AND FOUND OUT I WAS DEAD?
AND IF I DIE, I'M GONNA
COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU.
YEAH, AND YOU'LL PROBABLY
BE VERY GOOD AT IT TOO. YEAH.
ONE NIGHT WHEN
YOU LEAST EXPECT IT,
A 65-YEAR-OLD GHOST
WILL JUMP OUT BEHIND YOU...
AND WRAP HIS HARP
AROUND YOUR SKULL.
WHO YOU GOING OUT WITH? ROLLO.
YOU MEAN RITA
LAWSON'S SON ROLLO?
THAT'S THE ONE. WHEN
DID HE GET OUT OF JAIL?
SAY, POP, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
RUNNING MY FRIENDS DOWN?
WHO TOLD YOU ROLLO WAS IN JAIL?
SAM TURNER TOLD ME. SAM TURNER?
HOW WOULD HE KNOW?
WERE THEY CELLMATES?
SAM TURNER TOLD ME THAT
HIS DAUGHTER TOLD HIM...
THAT HER DAUGHTER
TOLD HER THAT... [ Knocking ]
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING,
ROLLO? WHAT'S UP, COOL BREEZE?
- HEY, POPS.
- DON'T CALL ME POPS.
HEY, ROLLO, YOU
LOOK VERY HIP, BUDDY.
YEAH, JACK, AND THESE ARE
JUST MY SLUMMING CLOTHES.
YEAH, I SAW A SUIT LIKE THAT IN
THE PAWNSHOP OVER IN THE SLUMS.
WRONG, POPS.
NO, POPS, THIS SUIT
WAS TAILOR-MADE...
BY A GENTLEMAN'S
TAILOR. ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, WAIT TILL THE GENTLEMAN
FIND OUT HIS SUIT IS MISSING.
HEY, POP. WOULD YOU DIG YOURSELF?
ROLLO'S A GUEST IN OUR HOUSE.
IT'S OKAY, DUDE. I APPRECIATE
YOUR OLD MAN'S SENSE OF HUMOR.
AND, POPS, JUST TO SHOW
THAT THERE'S NO HARD FEELINGS,
[ Sniffs ] HAVE A
CIGAR. HEY, HEY.
[ Sniffs ]
YOU DIDN'T MIX NONE OF THAT
MEXICAN PARSLEY IN HERE, DID YOU?
HEY, WRONG AGAIN, POPS.
A PAL OF MINE IN THE NAVY GOT
THAT OUT OF CUBA. HAND-ROLLED.
YEAH. A SAILOR FRIEND OF YOURS
ROLLED A CUBAN FOR HIS CIGAR.
HEY, ROLLO, LISTEN. WE BETTER
SPLIT 'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TIME TO GO.
YEAH, ALL THEM GOOD-LOOKING SISTERS
BE TAKEN BY THE TIME WE GET THERE.
WHY DON'T Y'ALL TAKE ME WHERE
THEY GOT THEM GOOD-LOOKING SISTERS?
HEY, POPS, I'M SORRY, BUT
YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO OLD.
THIS IS A PLACE JUST FOR THE
BROTHERS AND THE SISTERS.
WELL, CAN'T Y'ALL
TAKE ME DOWN THERE...
AND PUT ME IN THE PART WHERE
THEY GOT THE MAMAS AND THE PAPAS?
YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?
FORGET IT, POP. COME ON, ROLLO.
YOU LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SOME BAD LUCK.
WHY DON'T YOU WATCH SOME
MORE TV OR GO TO SLEEP?
[ Fred ] WHAT DO
YOU MEAN WATCH TV?
I AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE
TO WATCH NOTHING.
I AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE
TO CLOSE MY EYES,
AND THAT'S THE WAY YOU'LL
FIND ME WHEN YOU GET BACK HERE,
SITTING UP HERE WITH
MY EYES WIDE OPEN.
I AIN'T GONNA GO TO SLEEP.
HOW CAN YOU GO TO
SLEEP IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?
NOBODY HERE BUT YOU.
TELEVISION. AIN'T
NOTHING ON HERE.
I WISH DRACULA WAS ON
TONIGHT. [ Machine Gunfire ]
YEAH, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GO...
A WAR MOVIE. GEE WHIZ.
NOBODY CAN GO TO SLEEP
WITH A WAR MOVIE ON.
♪ [ "Star-Spangled
Banner" Playing ]
[ Vehicle Approaches, Stops ]
THAT YOU, LAMONT?
HELP! HELP! IT'S A ROBBER!
HELP! IT'S A BURGLAR!
HELP!
IT'S A BURGLAR! I GOT HIM!
I GOT HIM! GIVE ME
THE BASEBALL BAT!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU, POP? YOU'VE GOT ROLLO.
YEAH, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU, POPS?
AIN'T NOTHING THE
MATTER WITH ME.
WHEN I'M BEING ROBBED, I GRAB
THE NEAREST THROAT. HEY, COME ON!
HE MIGHT STILL BE IN THE
YARD. YOU OKAY, ROLLO?
YEAH, MAN. HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
STUFF FROM THE HOUSE.
THERE REALLY WAS A BURGLAR.
I TOLD YOU THERE
WAS A BURGLAR IN HERE.
I TOLD YOU IF YOU WENT OFF AND LEFT ME BY
MYSELF, SOMETHING BAD WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
WHAT WAS YOU DOING WHILE
HE WAS RIPPING THE HOUSE OFF?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT
WAS I DOING? I WAS HELPLESS.
YOU MEAN YOU WERE ASLEEP.
SLEEP? I WAS UNCONSCIOUS.
THE BURGLAR KNOCKED ME OUT.
KNOCKED YOU OUT?
YEAH. I DIDN'T COME TO
UNTIL I HEARD YOU DRIVE UP.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
LET ME SEE. MAYBE HE...
HE HIT ME WITH SOMETHING SOFT.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HE KNOCKED
YOU OUT WITH SOMETHING SOFT?
YEAH. IT FELT LIKE A SOFT GUN.
SEE, THEY'RE MAKING THE HANDLE
NOW WITH THE RUBBER IN THEM.
IT'S A GOOD THING WE
CAME HOME WHEN WE DID.
HELP ME GET THIS STUFF
BACK IN THE HOUSE, ROLLO.
YEAH, HELP HIM,
ROLLO. I CAN'T LIFT THAT.
EVERY TIME WE GO SOMEPLACE...
I TOLD YOU THOUGH, DIDN'T I?
I TOLD YOU IT WAS SOME
BURGLARS OUT THERE...
JUST WAITING TO JUMP ON A
POOR, DEFENSELESS OLD MAN.
HEY, MAN, LOOK. THE DUDE...
THE DUDE DROPPED HIS GUN.
WHAT? A GUN? I
COULD'VE BEEN SHOT.
I COULD'VE BEEN SHOT.
OH, THIS IS A BAD ONE.
HEY, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU, POP?
WHY ARE YOU SO SURPRISED
ABOUT SEEING A GUN?
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
HE HIT YOU WITH IT.
- I DIDN'T SAY I SAW IT.
- I SAID I FELT IT.
- WELL, THIS IS SOME
SOUVENIR HE LEFT US.
WE DIDN'T HAVE A GUN IN THE
HOUSE BEFORE, BUT WE GOT ONE NOW.
DON'T WAVE THAT THING AROUND
ME. GET IT OUTTA THIS HOUSE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, TAKE IT TO THE
LOST AND FOUND? NO. GIVE IT TO THE POLICE.
WHY SHOULD WE GIVE IT TO THE
POLICE? THEY NEVER GAVE US NOTHING.
WELL, GIVE IT TO ME. I'LL TAKE IT DOWN
THERE MYSELF. WAIT A MINUTE, POPS.
YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE TAKING
THAT THING DOWN TO THE POLICE STATION.
AIN'T THAT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO
WHEN YOU FIND A GUN ON YOUR PROPERTY?
HEY, THAT'S WHAT A
WHITE PERSON DOES.
YOU TAKE THAT THING
DOWN THERE, THEY'LL HAVE
YOU CHARGED WITH EVERY
SHOOTING SINCE LINCOLN.
OH, THEY WOULDN'T CHARGE ME WITH NOTHING
LIKE THAT. YOU TWO WILL VOUCH FOR ME.
YEAH, WE'LL VOUCH FOR YOU,
EVERY DAY OUTSIDE THE JAIL...
WITH A BIG SIGN THAT
SAYS, "FREE FRED SANFORD."
- COME ON, POPS. BE SMART.
- YEAH, POP, BE SMART.
PUT THAT GUN IN A DRAWER, AND WHEN THE
BURGLARS COME BACK, WE'LL BE READY FOR 'EM.
NO, MAN. YOU DON'T WANT
THAT THING AROUND HERE.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
USED IN A STICKUP.
HEY, WHAT YOU WANNA
DO IS TO GET RID OF IT, MAN.
PAWN IT. HEY, MAN, LOOK HERE.
PAWN IT? YEAH. THIS IS
A SMITH & WESSON .38.
SNUB-NOSED, BLUE STEEL,
WALNUT-GRAIN HANDLE.
AND IT MUST BE CUSTOM-MADE
BECAUSE IT'S AN EIGHT-SHOOTER, JACK.
WELL, I DON'T WANT
IT IN THIS HOUSE.
I DON'T CARE IF IT SHOOTS A HUNDRED
TIMES AND THEN START THROWING BRICKS.
HEY, POPS, I'M WITH YOU.
THAT'S WHY I SAY PAWN IT.
HEY, MAN, WE CAN GET AT
LEAST A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR IT.
HEY, DON'T PUT ME IN IT.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, POP.
A HUNDRED DOLLARS IS A LOT OF
MONEY. AND LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.
THE GUN WON'T BE IN THE HOUSE, SO YOU
DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. I THINK ROLLO'S RIGHT.
I AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO
WITH IT. COUNT ME OUT. OKAY.
WHEN SHOULD WE TAKE IT DOWN?
TOMORROW MORNING. WHY WASTE TIME?
- GOOD. GOOD. YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE IT IN, RIGHT?
- WELL... [ Clears Throat ]
NO, MAN. UH...
YOU SEE, I ACTUALLY
CAN'T TAKE IT IN, JACK,
BECAUSE ALL THEM PAWNSHOP DEALERS
KNOW ME AND THINK SOMETHING SHAKY WAS UP.
THEY'D HAVE THE LAW
IN THERE BEFORE I COULD
TURN AROUND AND GET
OUT OF THERE GOOD, MAN.
WELL, THE POLICE ARE
GONNA BE INVOLVED ANYWAY,
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE IT
ON DOWN THERE AND GIVE IT TO 'EM.
YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT, POPS.
IF I TAKE THIS IN THERE, MAN,
THEY'LL INTERROGATE
ME INTO BAD HEALTH.
YOU TAKE IT. UH, I'D
LIKE TO TAKE IT, ROLLO,
BUT, UH... UH... BUT I'M YOUNG.
YEAH. I'M A YOUNG DUDE. A YOUNG
DUDE COMING IN THERE WITH A GUN,
RIGHT AWAY THEY'D THINK
SOMETHING WAS SUSPICIOUS.
WHAT WE GOTTA DO IS
FIND A OLDER PERSON,
SOMEBODY THAT WOULDN'T
CAUSE THAT MUCH SUSPICION.
JUST A COMMON EVERYDAY...
OLD MAN.
NO, NO. DON'T LOOK AT
ME. OH, COME ON, POP.
I DON'T WANT THAT GUN AROUND ME.
GET THE GUN AWAY FROM ME. I
DON'T WANNA HAVE NOTHING TO DO...
OH! OH! TAKE THE GUN.
POPS! OH, THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
OH, THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?
THIS IS MY LAST DAY OF FREEDOM.
I'M COMING TO JOIN YOU, HONEY,
WITH A SNUB-NOSE IN MY HAND.
HEY, ROL. HEY, MAN.
WE READY TO GO?
I AM. I DON'T KNOW IF MY POP IS.
AW, MAN, AIN'T NOTHING TO IT.
HE JUST WALKS INTO THE
PAWNSHOP, LAYS THE GUN
UP ON THE COUNTER AND
GETS HIS MONEY. EASY.
YEAH, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU,
ROLLO, BUT THAT'S HARD FOR POP.
POP, ROLLO'S HERE! POP!
OH, NO.
WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD?
IT'S AN ICE BAG.
WHAT IT LOOK LIKE?
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN
CROWNED QUEEN OF THE MAY.
WHAT DO YOU NEED AN ICE BAG FOR?
'CAUSE MY HEAD IS SPINNING.
I DIDN'T SLEEP A
WINK LAST NIGHT,
JUST WORRYING ABOUT HAVING
A GUN HERE IN THE HOUSE.
YOU DIDN'T SLEEP
LAST NIGHT, POP?
NOT A WINK. I WAS UP ALL NIGHT.
THAT CRICKET MUST'VE KEPT
YOU AWAKE. WHAT CRICKET?
THE ONE THAT WAS UP IN YOUR
ROOM DOING ALL THE SNORING.
[ Laughing ] RIGHT ON.
YOU DON'T THINK SO?
WELL, I WAS UP ALL NIGHT,
WORRYING ABOUT ALL
THIS CRAZY BUSINESS.
I TOLD YOU TO GET THAT GUN OUTTA
THE HOUSE. DON'T START THAT AGAIN.
WE AGREED TO TAKE
IT TO THE PAWNSHOP.
AND WE ALSO AGREED THAT YOU'D
BE THE ONE TO TAKE IT IN THERE.
WHO AGREED? I DIDN'T. YOU DID.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL
TAKE A VOTE ON IT.
ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF FRED SANFORD
TAKING THE GUN INTO THE PAWNSHOP,
SIGNIFY BY SAYING "AYE."
AYE! AYE! OPPOSE?
- NO!
- [ Both ] THE AYES HAVE IT.
- YOU TAKE THE GUN IN.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
[ Lamont ] WHAT'S THE MATTER
NOW? I WANT A RECOUNT.
WOULD YOU GET THE GUN? WHERE'S
THE GUN, POP? I'LL GET THE GUN.
JUST GET THE GUN SO
WE CAN PAWN IT, PLEASE.
A SUITCASE? YOU MEAN TO TELL
ME YOU PUT THE GUN IN A SUITCASE?
I AIN'T GONNA WALK DOWN THE
STREET WITH NO GUN IN MY HAND.
THIS IS NOT DODGE CITY
AND I'M NOT MARSHAL DILLON.
WOULD YOU PLEASE REMOVE
THE GUN FROM THE SUITCASE?
YEAH, POPS, THE GUN
WILL RATTLE IN THERE.
MY HANDS WILL RATTLE WORSE.
TAKE THE GUN OUT
OF THE SUITCASE.
I SEE YOU PACKED A BOX LUNCH, BUT
WHERE'S THE GUN? THE GUN'S IN THE BOX.
I PUT IT IN THE BOX. IN
CASE WE WAS STOPPED
AND SEARCHED, NO ONE
WOULD SUSPECT ANYTHING.
IF SOMEBODY OPENED THE
SUITCASE AND FOUND A THOM
McAN SHOE BOX, THEY
WOULDN'T SUSPECT ANYTHING?
FORGET THE SHOE BOX, POP. I
DON'T WANT THIS. YOU TAKE IT.
DON'T GIVE IT TO
ME. MAN, I CAN'T DO IT.
WELL, I DON'T
WANT IT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.
WE'LL THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.
ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF FRED SANFORD
THROWING THE GUN OUT THE WINDOW,
SIGNIFY BY SAYING "AYE."
AYE. THE AYES HAVE
IT. WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
JACK. LOOK HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU PUT THE
GUN IN YOUR PANTS POCKET?
WHAT IF IT WENT OFF ACCIDENTALLY?
IT COULD SHOOT MY FOOT OFF.
I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO DANCE AGAIN.
PUT THE GUN IN
YOUR POCKET, OKAY?
I'LL PUT IT IN HERE, BUT...
SEE THERE? THAT'S A BAD OMEN.
THAT MEANS SOMETHING BAD'S GONNA
HAPPEN. MOVE OUTTA THE WAY, ROLLO.
ALL THAT MEANS IS THAT YOU'VE
GOT A HOLE IN YOUR POCKET.
WELL, THEN WE'RE A GOOD SET.
ME WITH A HOLE IN MY POCKET
AND YOU WITH A HOLE IN YOUR HEAD.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU SEW
UP THE HOLE IN YOUR POCKET?
I WILL IF YOU'LL PLUG UP THE HOLE
IN YOUR HEAD. [ Rollo ] HEY, WAIT.
WAIT. I GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE JUST STICK IT IN
HERE? WAIT A MINUTE. WATCH THAT.
AND NO ONE WOULD BE THE WISER.
AND WHEN THE SWEATER'S
ALL BUTTONED UP... YES, SIR...
EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING.
COME ON. LET'S SPLIT, MAN.
WAIT A MINUTE NOW. WAIT.
THIS WILL NOT WORK.
LOOK AT THAT BULGE.
HEY, POP, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THAT.
YOU CAN'T TELL THE GUN
BULGE FROM YOUR BULGE. RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT A
BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.
I GOT A BAD FEELING. POP,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE NO
BAD FEELING ABOUT IT.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOTHING.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
NOW, LISTEN TO THIS, POP.
WHEN WE GET TO THE PAWNSHOP, I
WANT YOU TO ASK FOR A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE NOTHING
LESS THAN A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
I DON'T WANNA GO DOWN THERE
'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE ARRESTED.
WE'RE GONNA GET 30 YEARS APIECE.
DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD I'LL
BE WHEN I GET OUT OF JAIL?
AIN'T NOTHING SADDER THAN
A 95-YEAR-OLD EX-CONVICT.
OH, COME ON.
[ Woman ] I DON'T KNOW. I JUST
CAN'T DECIDE WHICH ONE I LIKE.
I DON'T KNOW THOUGH.
THIS ONE SEEMS...
THIS ONE'S GOOD TOO.
BUT THEN THAT RING IS...
THAT ONE'S A LITTLE
BIG FOR ME, I THINK.
MAYBE... YEAH,
I'LL TAKE THIS ONE.
YEAH.
I'LL TAKE THIS ONE, SIR.
UH... UH, THAT'S $13.
THIRTEEN DOLLARS.
THANK YOU.
YES, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?
UH, SAY, THIS IS A
PAWNSHOP, ISN'T IT?
- YES, IT IS.
- I THOUGHT IT
WAS A PAWNSHOP.
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET, AND
I SAID, "GEE WHIZ, THAT'S A PAWNSHOP,"
AND I CAME IN HERE.
YOU GOT A LOT OF NICE STUFF
HERE. IS THIS YOUR PAWNSHOP?
UH, YES. UH, ARE YOU INTERESTED
IN ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR?
I'M INTERESTED IN EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING.
YEAH, SEE, I'M SORT
OF A COLLECTOR,
AND YOU GOT A BUNCH
OF NICE STUFF HERE.
A COLLECTOR? YEAH,
SEE, I'M THE INSIDE MAN,
AND MY SON, HE'S
THE OUTSIDE MAN.
OH. YOU AND YOUR
SON WORK TOGETHER.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. BUT I'M
THE BRAINS OF THE OUTFIT,
AND HE'S THE WHEEL
MAN. OH, HE'S, UH,
THE WHEEL MAN?
YEAH, HE'S THE WHEEL MAN. HE
DOES PRETTY GOOD ON HIS OWN TOO.
LIKE LAST NIGHT HE BROUGHT
HOME A BUNCH OF STUFF.
- MADE A KILLING
IN BEVERLY HILLS.
- OH, HE DID?
YEAH. WELL, LISTEN. LET'S
STOP ALL THE KIDDING AROUND...
AND GET DOWN TO THE
REAL BUSINESS AT HAND.
NOW, I GOT THIS GUN, SEE?
YES, I SEE.
AND IT'S IN PRETTY FAIR
WORKING CONDITION.
SO WHAT I WANT IS
A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
A HUNDRED DOLLARS? YEAH.
- WELL, I DON'T THINK
I CAN GIVE YOU THAT MUCH.
- WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG?
WHAT'S GOING ON? IS THIS
DUDE GIVING YOU TROUBLE?
NO, HE JUST SAID THAT HE COULDN'T
GIVE US A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
- WELL, HOW MUCH?
- WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT 50?
WE'LL TAKE IT. COME ON, POP.
YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
[ Rollo ] YEAH, GET IT UP,
MAN. UH, SEVENTY-FIVE?
WE'LL TAKE IT. POP, WOULD
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS?
- A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
- I... I DON'T USUALLY CARRY
THAT MUCH CASH ON ME.
SOMETIMES I GOT
NOTHING IN MY POCKET.
WE'LL TAKE IT. WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT? I'M TRYING TO GET $100.
NOBODY MOVE! FREEZE! GET
YOUR HANDS ON THE COUNTER!
GREAT DAY IN THE
MORNING. IT'S A STICKUP.
SWANNY. MR. SANFORD.
- HEY, BROTHER. WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE GOT A CALL TO INVESTIGATE AN
ARMED ROBBERY AT THIS LOCATION.
THAT'S RIGHT. I WAS BEING HELD UP
BY THESE MEN. DO YOU KNOW THEM?
HELD UP? ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU HAD THIS GUN POINTED RIGHT AT
ME AND YOU WERE DEMANDING MONEY.
HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO EXPLAIN THAT?
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. NOW,
LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU WERE BEING HELD UP BY THESE
THREE MEN? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, SMITTY. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT...
BECAUSE ALL WE DID WAS COME IN
HERE TO PAWN THIS GUN THAT WE FOUND.
YOU FOUND THAT
GUN? YEAH. LAST NIGHT.
WE SURPRISED A BURGLAR WHEN WE CAME
HOME EARLY. HE DROPPED IT AS HE RAN OUT.
THE FAILURE TO REPORT A
BREAKING AND ENTERING...
AND TO RELINQUISH A FIREARM TO THE
AUTHORITIES CONSTITUTE FELONIOUS ACTS.
HOWEVER, SINCE YOU
HAVE NO CRIMINAL RECORDS,
WE'LL NULLIFY THE USUAL
ACCUSATORY PROCEDURES.
WE'RE NOT GONNA BUST YOU.
SEE, I TOLD YOU TO TURN IT IN.
NO. BUT YOU WANTED TO KEEP IT.
AND THIS DUMMY HERE
WANTED TO PAWN IT.
AND THE REASON I'M HERE BETWEEN YOU TWO
DUMMIES, TRYING TO SELL IT TO THIS DUMMY.
WELL, WE'LL JUST TAKE THIS
DOWN TO HEADQUARTERS.
AND IF SOMETHING LIKE THAT
HAPPENS AGAIN, CALL US. OKAY?
OKAY. OKAY.
[ Rollo ] OKAY, MAN. RIGHT UP.
ON. ON.
IF YOU LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST
PLACE... WOULD YOU JUST WAIT A MINUTE?
WAIT A MINUTE. SAY, EXCUSE ME.
NOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT
WE'RE NOT TRYING TO HOLD YOU UP,
HOW MUCH WOULD YOU
HAVE GIVEN US FOR THAT GUN?
WELL, YOU SEE, I WAS
JUST STALLING YOU.
UNDER OTHER CONDITIONS, I WOULD
HAVE GIVEN YOU A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
OH! DID YOU HEAR THAT?
A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
I KNEW YOU WAS GONNA MESS THIS
THING UP. WHY YOU SCREAMING AT ME FOR?
WE AIN'T GOT NO MONEY NOW.
YOU'RE ALWAYS DOING
STUFF TO MESS THINGS UP.
HEY, LISTEN. YOU PAY A LOT OF
MONEY FOR STUFF, DON'T YOU?
SOMETIMES. ARE YOU
INTERESTED IN GUNS?
THAT DEPENDS.
WELL, LOOK, SEE, I GOT
A WORLD WAR I RIFLE.
IT'S MY OWN. I USED IT WHEN I WAS
FIGHTING SIDE BY SIDE WITH SERGEANT YORK.
SEE, SERGEANT YORK, HE DIDN'T
CAPTURE ALL THEM GERMANS BY HIMSELF.
I WAS THERE, BUT I WAS IN THE BACK,
BRINGING UP THE REAR, AS USUAL.
AND IT'S GOT HIS INITIALS ON
IT. S.A.Y. SERGEANT ALVIN YORK.
AND YOU SAY THAT YOU
STILL HAVE THIS GUN?
I GOT IT AND IT'S A
COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
HOW MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME
FOR IT? WELL, IF IT'S AUTHENTIC,
I MAY GIVE YOU $150.
$150? YES.
I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE
IT. I'LL GET IT. I'LL GET IT.
I'LL BRING IT AND I'LL BRING IT.
I'LL SELL IT. I'LL SELL IT.
AND AS FOR YOUR FRIEND ROLLO,
I NEVER WANNA SEE HIM AGAIN.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
I HEARD. I HEARD.
HIM AND HIS SMART
IDEAS. PAWN THE GUN.
WE COULD'VE BEEN SHOT IN
THE BACK. DO YOU REALIZE THAT?
RIGHT NOW YOU COULD
BE LAYING RIGHT THERE...
WITH A BULLET HOLE IN
YOUR PANTS AND BEYOND.
ALL RIGHT. IT'S A GOOD THING
THAT THEM COPS WERE OUR FRIENDS.
IF THEY HAD BEEN SOME STRANGE
COPS, THEY COULD'VE SHOT US DEAD.
WOULD YOU STOP IT? WE DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING THAT WRONG.
IF ANYBODY HAD TAKEN A
SHOT AT US, THEY'D BE SORRY.
OH, THEY'D BE SORRY, ALL RIGHT. THEY'D
JUST ADD AN APOLOGY TO THE EULOGY.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT EITHER...
'CAUSE I GOTTA GET MY
RIFLE. YOU GOTTA GET WHAT?
GET IN HERE AND FIND MY RIFLE.
THE PAWNBROKER SAID HE'D GIVE ME $150
FOR THAT RIFLE. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- SAY, MY RIFLE IS GONE.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. SO IS THE TELEVISION.
HUH? HERE'S A NOTE.
OH, DON'T SAY THAT.
"TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: IN
MY HASTE TO LEAVE LAST NIGHT,
"I INADVERTENTLY
DROPPED MY PISTOL.
"A SUBSEQUENT SEARCH OF THIS HOUSE
ON MY PART DURING YOUR ABSENCE...
"TURNED UP NO PISTOL BUT SEVERAL
OTHER INTERESTING ARTICLES,
"SUCH AS YOUR TV SET, RADIO,
CAMERA, RIFLE, HUH? WHAT?
"NUMEROUS PAIRS OF
GLASSES, SILVERWARE, CHINA,
MY LONG DRAWERS?
LONG UNDERWEAR..."
OH!
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[ Woman Screaming ]
HEY, POP. SHH, SHH, SHH.
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING THAT FOR?
DON'T YOU EVER
GET TIRED OF THAT?
I WATCH WHAT I WANNA
WATCH. I'M GROWN.
YEAH, YOU'RE GROWN, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WATCH VAMPIRE MOVIES AND THEN
YOU HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT ON.
SHOW YOU WHAT YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A
VAMPIRE MOVIE. IT'S A WEREWOLF MOVIE.
OH. THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THERE'S SOMEBODY IN THERE LOOKS JUST
LIKE THE GIRL THAT I USED TO GO WITH...
BEFORE I MET YOUR MOTHER.
WHO, THAT WHITE WOMAN THERE?
NO, DUMMY.
WOLFMAN.
LOOK AT THAT. THERE HE IS.
LOOK. SAME LITTLE BEADY EYES.
SAME LITTLE BEADY,
BLOODSHOT EYES.
SAME KIND OF HAIR: SHORT.
YOU KNOW, HER HAIR WASN'T
THAT LONG. UGLY WOMAN.
HEY, POP, IF SHE WAS SO UGLY,
WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH HER?
SON, SHE WAS UGLY, BUT LORD
KNOWS THAT WOMAN COULD COOK.
SHE OUT-COOKED JULIA CHILD. SHE
OUT-COOKED THE GALLOPING GOURMET.
SHE OUT-COOKED MY MOTHER
MARY. SHE COULD COOK.
I REMEMBERED MANY TIMES
WE'D BE SITTING ON THE COUCH.
LIGHTS WERE LOW. MUSIC
WAS SOFT. GLENN MILLER.
♪ DE, DE-DE-DE ♪
♪ DE-DE-DE, DE-DE-DE
DE-DE-DE-DE ♪♪
SEE, I FORGET ALL THE WORDS.
I'D BE SITTING THERE AND
I'D PUT MY ARM AROUND HER.
COMFORTABLE. AND I'D
LOOK HER RIGHT IN THE FACE.
I'D SAY, "GEE WHIZ, WHY DON'T
YOU GET UP AND COOK SOMETHING?"
SEE, LOOK AT THAT. YOU MADE
ME MISS THE END OF THE MOVIE.
YOU WAS TELLING ME A STORY, POP.
YEAH, I LIKE TO REMINISCE
LIKE THAT SOME...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL DRESSED
UP? YOU GOT COMPANY COMING?
I DON'T NEED NONE OF YOUR
ROWDY FRIENDS AROUND HERE...
KEEPING ME FROM
GETTING MY SLEEP.
WELL, DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
GET YOUR SLEEP BECAUSE I'M GOING OUT.
OUT? OUT? OUT.
IS THERE AN ECHO IN HERE?
YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE
ME HERE ALL BY MYSELF...
IN THIS HOUSE, IN THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD, IN MY POOR CONDITION?
THE ANSWER TO ALL
FOUR QUESTIONS IS "YES."
WELL, WHAT IF A
BURGLAR BREAKS IN?
THEY'VE BEEN BREAKING IN
AROUND HERE, NIGHT AND DAY.
YEAH, I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK
IN HERE AND TAKE SOME OF THIS JUNK.
IT'S NOTHING TO
BE KIDDING ABOUT.
I WON'T BE ABLE TO GO TO SLEEP
KNOWING THAT YOU AIN'T HERE.
OKAY, POP. WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE YOURSELF A NICE, HOT WHISKEY TODDY?
- NOW, THAT'LL
HELP YOU SLEEP.
- THAT WON'T HELP ME SLEEP.
HOT WHISKEY TODDY'LL KEEP ME UP.
THEN MAKE YOURSELF
A WARM GLASS OF MILK.
WARM MILK MAKES ME BURP.
OKAY, THEN WHY DON'T YOU DRINK A GLASS
OF VINEGAR AND SUCK ON A GREEN LEMON?
- WILL THAT HELP ME SLEEP?
- NO, BUT IT'LL DRAW
YOUR JAWS UP SO TIGHT,
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO
OPEN YOUR BIG MOUTH.
YOU SURE ARE COLD AND
HEARTLESS, YOU KNOW THAT?
WHAT IF YOU CAME BACK HOME
AND FOUND OUT I WAS DEAD?
AND IF I DIE, I'M GONNA
COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU.
YEAH, AND YOU'LL PROBABLY
BE VERY GOOD AT IT TOO. YEAH.
ONE NIGHT WHEN
YOU LEAST EXPECT IT,
A 65-YEAR-OLD GHOST
WILL JUMP OUT BEHIND YOU...
AND WRAP HIS HARP
AROUND YOUR SKULL.
WHO YOU GOING OUT WITH? ROLLO.
YOU MEAN RITA
LAWSON'S SON ROLLO?
THAT'S THE ONE. WHEN
DID HE GET OUT OF JAIL?
SAY, POP, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
RUNNING MY FRIENDS DOWN?
WHO TOLD YOU ROLLO WAS IN JAIL?
SAM TURNER TOLD ME. SAM TURNER?
HOW WOULD HE KNOW?
WERE THEY CELLMATES?
SAM TURNER TOLD ME THAT
HIS DAUGHTER TOLD HIM...
THAT HER DAUGHTER
TOLD HER THAT... [ Knocking ]
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING,
ROLLO? WHAT'S UP, COOL BREEZE?
- HEY, POPS.
- DON'T CALL ME POPS.
HEY, ROLLO, YOU
LOOK VERY HIP, BUDDY.
YEAH, JACK, AND THESE ARE
JUST MY SLUMMING CLOTHES.
YEAH, I SAW A SUIT LIKE THAT IN
THE PAWNSHOP OVER IN THE SLUMS.
WRONG, POPS.
NO, POPS, THIS SUIT
WAS TAILOR-MADE...
BY A GENTLEMAN'S
TAILOR. ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, WAIT TILL THE GENTLEMAN
FIND OUT HIS SUIT IS MISSING.
HEY, POP. WOULD YOU DIG YOURSELF?
ROLLO'S A GUEST IN OUR HOUSE.
IT'S OKAY, DUDE. I APPRECIATE
YOUR OLD MAN'S SENSE OF HUMOR.
AND, POPS, JUST TO SHOW
THAT THERE'S NO HARD FEELINGS,
[ Sniffs ] HAVE A
CIGAR. HEY, HEY.
[ Sniffs ]
YOU DIDN'T MIX NONE OF THAT
MEXICAN PARSLEY IN HERE, DID YOU?
HEY, WRONG AGAIN, POPS.
A PAL OF MINE IN THE NAVY GOT
THAT OUT OF CUBA. HAND-ROLLED.
YEAH. A SAILOR FRIEND OF YOURS
ROLLED A CUBAN FOR HIS CIGAR.
HEY, ROLLO, LISTEN. WE BETTER
SPLIT 'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TIME TO GO.
YEAH, ALL THEM GOOD-LOOKING SISTERS
BE TAKEN BY THE TIME WE GET THERE.
WHY DON'T Y'ALL TAKE ME WHERE
THEY GOT THEM GOOD-LOOKING SISTERS?
HEY, POPS, I'M SORRY, BUT
YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO OLD.
THIS IS A PLACE JUST FOR THE
BROTHERS AND THE SISTERS.
WELL, CAN'T Y'ALL
TAKE ME DOWN THERE...
AND PUT ME IN THE PART WHERE
THEY GOT THE MAMAS AND THE PAPAS?
YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?
FORGET IT, POP. COME ON, ROLLO.
YOU LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SOME BAD LUCK.
WHY DON'T YOU WATCH SOME
MORE TV OR GO TO SLEEP?
[ Fred ] WHAT DO
YOU MEAN WATCH TV?
I AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE
TO WATCH NOTHING.
I AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE
TO CLOSE MY EYES,
AND THAT'S THE WAY YOU'LL
FIND ME WHEN YOU GET BACK HERE,
SITTING UP HERE WITH
MY EYES WIDE OPEN.
I AIN'T GONNA GO TO SLEEP.
HOW CAN YOU GO TO
SLEEP IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?
NOBODY HERE BUT YOU.
TELEVISION. AIN'T
NOTHING ON HERE.
I WISH DRACULA WAS ON
TONIGHT. [ Machine Gunfire ]
YEAH, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GO...
A WAR MOVIE. GEE WHIZ.
NOBODY CAN GO TO SLEEP
WITH A WAR MOVIE ON.
♪ [ "Star-Spangled
Banner" Playing ]
[ Vehicle Approaches, Stops ]
THAT YOU, LAMONT?
HELP! HELP! IT'S A ROBBER!
HELP! IT'S A BURGLAR!
HELP!
IT'S A BURGLAR! I GOT HIM!
I GOT HIM! GIVE ME
THE BASEBALL BAT!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU, POP? YOU'VE GOT ROLLO.
YEAH, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU, POPS?
AIN'T NOTHING THE
MATTER WITH ME.
WHEN I'M BEING ROBBED, I GRAB
THE NEAREST THROAT. HEY, COME ON!
HE MIGHT STILL BE IN THE
YARD. YOU OKAY, ROLLO?
YEAH, MAN. HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
STUFF FROM THE HOUSE.
THERE REALLY WAS A BURGLAR.
I TOLD YOU THERE
WAS A BURGLAR IN HERE.
I TOLD YOU IF YOU WENT OFF AND LEFT ME BY
MYSELF, SOMETHING BAD WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
WHAT WAS YOU DOING WHILE
HE WAS RIPPING THE HOUSE OFF?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT
WAS I DOING? I WAS HELPLESS.
YOU MEAN YOU WERE ASLEEP.
SLEEP? I WAS UNCONSCIOUS.
THE BURGLAR KNOCKED ME OUT.
KNOCKED YOU OUT?
YEAH. I DIDN'T COME TO
UNTIL I HEARD YOU DRIVE UP.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
LET ME SEE. MAYBE HE...
HE HIT ME WITH SOMETHING SOFT.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HE KNOCKED
YOU OUT WITH SOMETHING SOFT?
YEAH. IT FELT LIKE A SOFT GUN.
SEE, THEY'RE MAKING THE HANDLE
NOW WITH THE RUBBER IN THEM.
IT'S A GOOD THING WE
CAME HOME WHEN WE DID.
HELP ME GET THIS STUFF
BACK IN THE HOUSE, ROLLO.
YEAH, HELP HIM,
ROLLO. I CAN'T LIFT THAT.
EVERY TIME WE GO SOMEPLACE...
I TOLD YOU THOUGH, DIDN'T I?
I TOLD YOU IT WAS SOME
BURGLARS OUT THERE...
JUST WAITING TO JUMP ON A
POOR, DEFENSELESS OLD MAN.
HEY, MAN, LOOK. THE DUDE...
THE DUDE DROPPED HIS GUN.
WHAT? A GUN? I
COULD'VE BEEN SHOT.
I COULD'VE BEEN SHOT.
OH, THIS IS A BAD ONE.
HEY, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU, POP?
WHY ARE YOU SO SURPRISED
ABOUT SEEING A GUN?
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
HE HIT YOU WITH IT.
- I DIDN'T SAY I SAW IT.
- I SAID I FELT IT.
- WELL, THIS IS SOME
SOUVENIR HE LEFT US.
WE DIDN'T HAVE A GUN IN THE
HOUSE BEFORE, BUT WE GOT ONE NOW.
DON'T WAVE THAT THING AROUND
ME. GET IT OUTTA THIS HOUSE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, TAKE IT TO THE
LOST AND FOUND? NO. GIVE IT TO THE POLICE.
WHY SHOULD WE GIVE IT TO THE
POLICE? THEY NEVER GAVE US NOTHING.
WELL, GIVE IT TO ME. I'LL TAKE IT DOWN
THERE MYSELF. WAIT A MINUTE, POPS.
YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE TAKING
THAT THING DOWN TO THE POLICE STATION.
AIN'T THAT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO
WHEN YOU FIND A GUN ON YOUR PROPERTY?
HEY, THAT'S WHAT A
WHITE PERSON DOES.
YOU TAKE THAT THING
DOWN THERE, THEY'LL HAVE
YOU CHARGED WITH EVERY
SHOOTING SINCE LINCOLN.
OH, THEY WOULDN'T CHARGE ME WITH NOTHING
LIKE THAT. YOU TWO WILL VOUCH FOR ME.
YEAH, WE'LL VOUCH FOR YOU,
EVERY DAY OUTSIDE THE JAIL...
WITH A BIG SIGN THAT
SAYS, "FREE FRED SANFORD."
- COME ON, POPS. BE SMART.
- YEAH, POP, BE SMART.
PUT THAT GUN IN A DRAWER, AND WHEN THE
BURGLARS COME BACK, WE'LL BE READY FOR 'EM.
NO, MAN. YOU DON'T WANT
THAT THING AROUND HERE.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
USED IN A STICKUP.
HEY, WHAT YOU WANNA
DO IS TO GET RID OF IT, MAN.
PAWN IT. HEY, MAN, LOOK HERE.
PAWN IT? YEAH. THIS IS
A SMITH & WESSON .38.
SNUB-NOSED, BLUE STEEL,
WALNUT-GRAIN HANDLE.
AND IT MUST BE CUSTOM-MADE
BECAUSE IT'S AN EIGHT-SHOOTER, JACK.
WELL, I DON'T WANT
IT IN THIS HOUSE.
I DON'T CARE IF IT SHOOTS A HUNDRED
TIMES AND THEN START THROWING BRICKS.
HEY, POPS, I'M WITH YOU.
THAT'S WHY I SAY PAWN IT.
HEY, MAN, WE CAN GET AT
LEAST A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR IT.
HEY, DON'T PUT ME IN IT.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, POP.
A HUNDRED DOLLARS IS A LOT OF
MONEY. AND LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.
THE GUN WON'T BE IN THE HOUSE, SO YOU
DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. I THINK ROLLO'S RIGHT.
I AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO
WITH IT. COUNT ME OUT. OKAY.
WHEN SHOULD WE TAKE IT DOWN?
TOMORROW MORNING. WHY WASTE TIME?
- GOOD. GOOD. YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE IT IN, RIGHT?
- WELL... [ Clears Throat ]
NO, MAN. UH...
YOU SEE, I ACTUALLY
CAN'T TAKE IT IN, JACK,
BECAUSE ALL THEM PAWNSHOP DEALERS
KNOW ME AND THINK SOMETHING SHAKY WAS UP.
THEY'D HAVE THE LAW
IN THERE BEFORE I COULD
TURN AROUND AND GET
OUT OF THERE GOOD, MAN.
WELL, THE POLICE ARE
GONNA BE INVOLVED ANYWAY,
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE IT
ON DOWN THERE AND GIVE IT TO 'EM.
YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT, POPS.
IF I TAKE THIS IN THERE, MAN,
THEY'LL INTERROGATE
ME INTO BAD HEALTH.
YOU TAKE IT. UH, I'D
LIKE TO TAKE IT, ROLLO,
BUT, UH... UH... BUT I'M YOUNG.
YEAH. I'M A YOUNG DUDE. A YOUNG
DUDE COMING IN THERE WITH A GUN,
RIGHT AWAY THEY'D THINK
SOMETHING WAS SUSPICIOUS.
WHAT WE GOTTA DO IS
FIND A OLDER PERSON,
SOMEBODY THAT WOULDN'T
CAUSE THAT MUCH SUSPICION.
JUST A COMMON EVERYDAY...
OLD MAN.
NO, NO. DON'T LOOK AT
ME. OH, COME ON, POP.
I DON'T WANT THAT GUN AROUND ME.
GET THE GUN AWAY FROM ME. I
DON'T WANNA HAVE NOTHING TO DO...
OH! OH! TAKE THE GUN.
POPS! OH, THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
OH, THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?
THIS IS MY LAST DAY OF FREEDOM.
I'M COMING TO JOIN YOU, HONEY,
WITH A SNUB-NOSE IN MY HAND.
HEY, ROL. HEY, MAN.
WE READY TO GO?
I AM. I DON'T KNOW IF MY POP IS.
AW, MAN, AIN'T NOTHING TO IT.
HE JUST WALKS INTO THE
PAWNSHOP, LAYS THE GUN
UP ON THE COUNTER AND
GETS HIS MONEY. EASY.
YEAH, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU,
ROLLO, BUT THAT'S HARD FOR POP.
POP, ROLLO'S HERE! POP!
OH, NO.
WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD?
IT'S AN ICE BAG.
WHAT IT LOOK LIKE?
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN
CROWNED QUEEN OF THE MAY.
WHAT DO YOU NEED AN ICE BAG FOR?
'CAUSE MY HEAD IS SPINNING.
I DIDN'T SLEEP A
WINK LAST NIGHT,
JUST WORRYING ABOUT HAVING
A GUN HERE IN THE HOUSE.
YOU DIDN'T SLEEP
LAST NIGHT, POP?
NOT A WINK. I WAS UP ALL NIGHT.
THAT CRICKET MUST'VE KEPT
YOU AWAKE. WHAT CRICKET?
THE ONE THAT WAS UP IN YOUR
ROOM DOING ALL THE SNORING.
[ Laughing ] RIGHT ON.
YOU DON'T THINK SO?
WELL, I WAS UP ALL NIGHT,
WORRYING ABOUT ALL
THIS CRAZY BUSINESS.
I TOLD YOU TO GET THAT GUN OUTTA
THE HOUSE. DON'T START THAT AGAIN.
WE AGREED TO TAKE
IT TO THE PAWNSHOP.
AND WE ALSO AGREED THAT YOU'D
BE THE ONE TO TAKE IT IN THERE.
WHO AGREED? I DIDN'T. YOU DID.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL
TAKE A VOTE ON IT.
ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF FRED SANFORD
TAKING THE GUN INTO THE PAWNSHOP,
SIGNIFY BY SAYING "AYE."
AYE! AYE! OPPOSE?
- NO!
- [ Both ] THE AYES HAVE IT.
- YOU TAKE THE GUN IN.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
[ Lamont ] WHAT'S THE MATTER
NOW? I WANT A RECOUNT.
WOULD YOU GET THE GUN? WHERE'S
THE GUN, POP? I'LL GET THE GUN.
JUST GET THE GUN SO
WE CAN PAWN IT, PLEASE.
A SUITCASE? YOU MEAN TO TELL
ME YOU PUT THE GUN IN A SUITCASE?
I AIN'T GONNA WALK DOWN THE
STREET WITH NO GUN IN MY HAND.
THIS IS NOT DODGE CITY
AND I'M NOT MARSHAL DILLON.
WOULD YOU PLEASE REMOVE
THE GUN FROM THE SUITCASE?
YEAH, POPS, THE GUN
WILL RATTLE IN THERE.
MY HANDS WILL RATTLE WORSE.
TAKE THE GUN OUT
OF THE SUITCASE.
I SEE YOU PACKED A BOX LUNCH, BUT
WHERE'S THE GUN? THE GUN'S IN THE BOX.
I PUT IT IN THE BOX. IN
CASE WE WAS STOPPED
AND SEARCHED, NO ONE
WOULD SUSPECT ANYTHING.
IF SOMEBODY OPENED THE
SUITCASE AND FOUND A THOM
McAN SHOE BOX, THEY
WOULDN'T SUSPECT ANYTHING?
FORGET THE SHOE BOX, POP. I
DON'T WANT THIS. YOU TAKE IT.
DON'T GIVE IT TO
ME. MAN, I CAN'T DO IT.
WELL, I DON'T
WANT IT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.
WE'LL THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.
ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF FRED SANFORD
THROWING THE GUN OUT THE WINDOW,
SIGNIFY BY SAYING "AYE."
AYE. THE AYES HAVE
IT. WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
JACK. LOOK HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU PUT THE
GUN IN YOUR PANTS POCKET?
WHAT IF IT WENT OFF ACCIDENTALLY?
IT COULD SHOOT MY FOOT OFF.
I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO DANCE AGAIN.
PUT THE GUN IN
YOUR POCKET, OKAY?
I'LL PUT IT IN HERE, BUT...
SEE THERE? THAT'S A BAD OMEN.
THAT MEANS SOMETHING BAD'S GONNA
HAPPEN. MOVE OUTTA THE WAY, ROLLO.
ALL THAT MEANS IS THAT YOU'VE
GOT A HOLE IN YOUR POCKET.
WELL, THEN WE'RE A GOOD SET.
ME WITH A HOLE IN MY POCKET
AND YOU WITH A HOLE IN YOUR HEAD.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU SEW
UP THE HOLE IN YOUR POCKET?
I WILL IF YOU'LL PLUG UP THE HOLE
IN YOUR HEAD. [ Rollo ] HEY, WAIT.
WAIT. I GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE JUST STICK IT IN
HERE? WAIT A MINUTE. WATCH THAT.
AND NO ONE WOULD BE THE WISER.
AND WHEN THE SWEATER'S
ALL BUTTONED UP... YES, SIR...
EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING.
COME ON. LET'S SPLIT, MAN.
WAIT A MINUTE NOW. WAIT.
THIS WILL NOT WORK.
LOOK AT THAT BULGE.
HEY, POP, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THAT.
YOU CAN'T TELL THE GUN
BULGE FROM YOUR BULGE. RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT A
BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.
I GOT A BAD FEELING. POP,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE NO
BAD FEELING ABOUT IT.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOTHING.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
NOW, LISTEN TO THIS, POP.
WHEN WE GET TO THE PAWNSHOP, I
WANT YOU TO ASK FOR A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE NOTHING
LESS THAN A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
I DON'T WANNA GO DOWN THERE
'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE ARRESTED.
WE'RE GONNA GET 30 YEARS APIECE.
DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD I'LL
BE WHEN I GET OUT OF JAIL?
AIN'T NOTHING SADDER THAN
A 95-YEAR-OLD EX-CONVICT.
OH, COME ON.
[ Woman ] I DON'T KNOW. I JUST
CAN'T DECIDE WHICH ONE I LIKE.
I DON'T KNOW THOUGH.
THIS ONE SEEMS...
THIS ONE'S GOOD TOO.
BUT THEN THAT RING IS...
THAT ONE'S A LITTLE
BIG FOR ME, I THINK.
MAYBE... YEAH,
I'LL TAKE THIS ONE.
YEAH.
I'LL TAKE THIS ONE, SIR.
UH... UH, THAT'S $13.
THIRTEEN DOLLARS.
THANK YOU.
YES, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?
UH, SAY, THIS IS A
PAWNSHOP, ISN'T IT?
- YES, IT IS.
- I THOUGHT IT
WAS A PAWNSHOP.
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET, AND
I SAID, "GEE WHIZ, THAT'S A PAWNSHOP,"
AND I CAME IN HERE.
YOU GOT A LOT OF NICE STUFF
HERE. IS THIS YOUR PAWNSHOP?
UH, YES. UH, ARE YOU INTERESTED
IN ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR?
I'M INTERESTED IN EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING.
YEAH, SEE, I'M SORT
OF A COLLECTOR,
AND YOU GOT A BUNCH
OF NICE STUFF HERE.
A COLLECTOR? YEAH,
SEE, I'M THE INSIDE MAN,
AND MY SON, HE'S
THE OUTSIDE MAN.
OH. YOU AND YOUR
SON WORK TOGETHER.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. BUT I'M
THE BRAINS OF THE OUTFIT,
AND HE'S THE WHEEL
MAN. OH, HE'S, UH,
THE WHEEL MAN?
YEAH, HE'S THE WHEEL MAN. HE
DOES PRETTY GOOD ON HIS OWN TOO.
LIKE LAST NIGHT HE BROUGHT
HOME A BUNCH OF STUFF.
- MADE A KILLING
IN BEVERLY HILLS.
- OH, HE DID?
YEAH. WELL, LISTEN. LET'S
STOP ALL THE KIDDING AROUND...
AND GET DOWN TO THE
REAL BUSINESS AT HAND.
NOW, I GOT THIS GUN, SEE?
YES, I SEE.
AND IT'S IN PRETTY FAIR
WORKING CONDITION.
SO WHAT I WANT IS
A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
A HUNDRED DOLLARS? YEAH.
- WELL, I DON'T THINK
I CAN GIVE YOU THAT MUCH.
- WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG?
WHAT'S GOING ON? IS THIS
DUDE GIVING YOU TROUBLE?
NO, HE JUST SAID THAT HE COULDN'T
GIVE US A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
- WELL, HOW MUCH?
- WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT 50?
WE'LL TAKE IT. COME ON, POP.
YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
[ Rollo ] YEAH, GET IT UP,
MAN. UH, SEVENTY-FIVE?
WE'LL TAKE IT. POP, WOULD
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS?
- A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
- I... I DON'T USUALLY CARRY
THAT MUCH CASH ON ME.
SOMETIMES I GOT
NOTHING IN MY POCKET.
WE'LL TAKE IT. WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT? I'M TRYING TO GET $100.
NOBODY MOVE! FREEZE! GET
YOUR HANDS ON THE COUNTER!
GREAT DAY IN THE
MORNING. IT'S A STICKUP.
SWANNY. MR. SANFORD.
- HEY, BROTHER. WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE GOT A CALL TO INVESTIGATE AN
ARMED ROBBERY AT THIS LOCATION.
THAT'S RIGHT. I WAS BEING HELD UP
BY THESE MEN. DO YOU KNOW THEM?
HELD UP? ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU HAD THIS GUN POINTED RIGHT AT
ME AND YOU WERE DEMANDING MONEY.
HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO EXPLAIN THAT?
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. NOW,
LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU WERE BEING HELD UP BY THESE
THREE MEN? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, SMITTY. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT...
BECAUSE ALL WE DID WAS COME IN
HERE TO PAWN THIS GUN THAT WE FOUND.
YOU FOUND THAT
GUN? YEAH. LAST NIGHT.
WE SURPRISED A BURGLAR WHEN WE CAME
HOME EARLY. HE DROPPED IT AS HE RAN OUT.
THE FAILURE TO REPORT A
BREAKING AND ENTERING...
AND TO RELINQUISH A FIREARM TO THE
AUTHORITIES CONSTITUTE FELONIOUS ACTS.
HOWEVER, SINCE YOU
HAVE NO CRIMINAL RECORDS,
WE'LL NULLIFY THE USUAL
ACCUSATORY PROCEDURES.
WE'RE NOT GONNA BUST YOU.
SEE, I TOLD YOU TO TURN IT IN.
NO. BUT YOU WANTED TO KEEP IT.
AND THIS DUMMY HERE
WANTED TO PAWN IT.
AND THE REASON I'M HERE BETWEEN YOU TWO
DUMMIES, TRYING TO SELL IT TO THIS DUMMY.
WELL, WE'LL JUST TAKE THIS
DOWN TO HEADQUARTERS.
AND IF SOMETHING LIKE THAT
HAPPENS AGAIN, CALL US. OKAY?
OKAY. OKAY.
[ Rollo ] OKAY, MAN. RIGHT UP.
ON. ON.
IF YOU LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST
PLACE... WOULD YOU JUST WAIT A MINUTE?
WAIT A MINUTE. SAY, EXCUSE ME.
NOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT
WE'RE NOT TRYING TO HOLD YOU UP,
HOW MUCH WOULD YOU
HAVE GIVEN US FOR THAT GUN?
WELL, YOU SEE, I WAS
JUST STALLING YOU.
UNDER OTHER CONDITIONS, I WOULD
HAVE GIVEN YOU A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
OH! DID YOU HEAR THAT?
A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
I KNEW YOU WAS GONNA MESS THIS
THING UP. WHY YOU SCREAMING AT ME FOR?
WE AIN'T GOT NO MONEY NOW.
YOU'RE ALWAYS DOING
STUFF TO MESS THINGS UP.
HEY, LISTEN. YOU PAY A LOT OF
MONEY FOR STUFF, DON'T YOU?
SOMETIMES. ARE YOU
INTERESTED IN GUNS?
THAT DEPENDS.
WELL, LOOK, SEE, I GOT
A WORLD WAR I RIFLE.
IT'S MY OWN. I USED IT WHEN I WAS
FIGHTING SIDE BY SIDE WITH SERGEANT YORK.
SEE, SERGEANT YORK, HE DIDN'T
CAPTURE ALL THEM GERMANS BY HIMSELF.
I WAS THERE, BUT I WAS IN THE BACK,
BRINGING UP THE REAR, AS USUAL.
AND IT'S GOT HIS INITIALS ON
IT. S.A.Y. SERGEANT ALVIN YORK.
AND YOU SAY THAT YOU
STILL HAVE THIS GUN?
I GOT IT AND IT'S A
COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
HOW MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME
FOR IT? WELL, IF IT'S AUTHENTIC,
I MAY GIVE YOU $150.
$150? YES.
I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE
IT. I'LL GET IT. I'LL GET IT.
I'LL BRING IT AND I'LL BRING IT.
I'LL SELL IT. I'LL SELL IT.
AND AS FOR YOUR FRIEND ROLLO,
I NEVER WANNA SEE HIM AGAIN.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
I HEARD. I HEARD.
HIM AND HIS SMART
IDEAS. PAWN THE GUN.
WE COULD'VE BEEN SHOT IN
THE BACK. DO YOU REALIZE THAT?
RIGHT NOW YOU COULD
BE LAYING RIGHT THERE...
WITH A BULLET HOLE IN
YOUR PANTS AND BEYOND.
ALL RIGHT. IT'S A GOOD THING
THAT THEM COPS WERE OUR FRIENDS.
IF THEY HAD BEEN SOME STRANGE
COPS, THEY COULD'VE SHOT US DEAD.
WOULD YOU STOP IT? WE DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING THAT WRONG.
IF ANYBODY HAD TAKEN A
SHOT AT US, THEY'D BE SORRY.
OH, THEY'D BE SORRY, ALL RIGHT. THEY'D
JUST ADD AN APOLOGY TO THE EULOGY.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT EITHER...
'CAUSE I GOTTA GET MY
RIFLE. YOU GOTTA GET WHAT?
GET IN HERE AND FIND MY RIFLE.
THE PAWNBROKER SAID HE'D GIVE ME $150
FOR THAT RIFLE. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- SAY, MY RIFLE IS GONE.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. SO IS THE TELEVISION.
HUH? HERE'S A NOTE.
OH, DON'T SAY THAT.
"TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: IN
MY HASTE TO LEAVE LAST NIGHT,
"I INADVERTENTLY
DROPPED MY PISTOL.
"A SUBSEQUENT SEARCH OF THIS HOUSE
ON MY PART DURING YOUR ABSENCE...
"TURNED UP NO PISTOL BUT SEVERAL
OTHER INTERESTING ARTICLES,
"SUCH AS YOUR TV SET, RADIO,
CAMERA, RIFLE, HUH? WHAT?
"NUMEROUS PAIRS OF
GLASSES, SILVERWARE, CHINA,
MY LONG DRAWERS?
LONG UNDERWEAR..."
OH!
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.