Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Big Party - full transcript

♪ It must be jelly 'cause
jam don't shake that way ♪

Waa! ♪ It must be
jelly... ♪♪ Hey, Pop.

Hey, good morning, son. I'll
have your breakfast ready in a jiff.

That's even shorter
than a jiffy. Sit down.

Well, look. Never mind. I
already had some breakfast.

But there's something that I wanna
do and I need your help. What's that?

You know that old tub that's
been sitting out there in the yard...

for the last two years
just taking up space?

You mean that tub that Mrs. Bud's
dog, Chi Chi had her puppies in?

That's the one. Don't tell
me Chi Chi's pregnant again.

I don't know. But if she is, she's going
to have to find another spot to deliver.



I want you to come out and
help me load the tub on the truck...

so we can take it down
to the dump and dump it.

Listen, son. You know I can't lift no
tub with my arthritis and bad heart.

There's nothing wrong with
you. What are you giving me?

I ain't giving you nothing, but I know
what you're trying to give me. A hernia.

I'll do most of
the lifting, okay?

Listen, even if you do most of the lifting.
See, that's what happened to a friend.

You know Harry Mayfield?
That's what happened to him.

He lift something heavy
and it broke down in his back,

and now he walks
all bent over like this.

The only people he can look
straight in the eye is midgets.

He's in-He's in misery. I'm telling
you, the only good thing about it...

is when he walk down the street
like this, he finds a lot of coins.

Are you coming? Listen, I could go
out there and that tub could fall on me...



and crush me to death.
I said, are you coming?

The tub could fall on both
of us, crush us to death,

then there wouldn't be
no more Sanford and Son.

It'd be Nobody and Nobody.

One, two, three...
What you counting to?

Ten. Four, five, six... What's
gonna happen when you reach ten?

The television is
going in the pawn shop.

Seven... Okay. All right,
all right, all right. I'll help you.

- [ Grumbling ]
- Getting rid of this tub
is just the beginning, Pop.

We're going to get rid
of all this miscellaneous,

extraneous debris
once and for all.

How do you expect to attract
customers to a place that looks like this?

Listen, Lamont, we running a
junkyard. It's not a barbecue pit.

A junkyard is
supposed to be junky.

Grab the end of that tub
while I take the tailgate down.

Why do I have to
get all this stuff...

Oh!

Now what? There's
a body in that tub.

Hey, you're right. Somebody
dumped a body in there, Lamont.

We in trouble. Who is it? I
don't know. But he's white.

Oh, I know we're in trouble.
I know we're in trouble now.

Listen, listen. Wait a
minute. Don't panic.

Now don't panic. You're
not supposed to panic.

Listen, when I find a dead white man in
my yard, I do what come natural, I panic.

Ohh! I wonder who he is?

Well, if you find out, write
me at my sister's place.

'Cause it's good-bye,
California, hello, St. Louis.

Wait a minute. That body's
not dead, it's breathing.

As a matter of fact, it's snoring.
You hear that? [ Snoring ]

Hey you, you better get out of
there if you know what's good for you.

Come on. Get out of there. Get on out of
there before I give you a wood shampoo.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't-I
didn't mean to be trespassing.

Well, that's what
you're doing is

trespassing. Come
on. Let's get out of here.

Yeah, hit the road, Jack. Just-Just
a moment, fellows. Just a moment.

Now I know you guys are
just trying to do your jobs.

But if I could just talk to
the owner of this property.

Well, I'm the owner of this property,
and we just had our little talk.

Now the next sound you hear
will be the continuous pounding...

of this two-by-four
off your skull.

Now let's go. I'm
going. I'm going.

I know when I'm
not wanted. Good.

Oh, what kind of a world is it
when a poor, homeless unfortunate...

can't grab 40 winks
in a tub in a junkyard?

It's just not worth living in. Listen,
try walking while you're talking.

This is the last straw! I've been-I've
been put out of flop houses...

and I've been kicked out of
railroad yards in the dead of winter.

But I have never been
kicked out of a junkyard before.

Oh, they're gonna find me in the
morning in the river and they'll be sorry.

Listen, if you want
to commit suicide,

just go on down there and stand up
at 103rd Street in front of the pool hall.

Just-Just stand there like you... Just
act like you counting some money...

and they'll have to bring
your hat to the cemetery.

That's right. Make
jokes. But you'll be

sorry when they find
my body in the morning.

Not if I don't find it
on my property I won't.

Wait a minute, Pop. You think this
dude is serious about killing himself?

I don't know, Lamont.
It's not my affair.

How would you like
to pick up tomorrow's

paper and read that
this guy killed himself...

because we kicked
him out of our junkyard?

Well, I won't read
the paper tomorrow.

What's it gonna cost us to
extend ourselves a little, Pop?

Haven't you ever heard
of the good Samaritan?

You know I don't like
them Japanese movies.

That's Samaritan, not samurai.

All right, if you don't want him to stay,
we might as well get this tub loaded.

Oh-Oh, okay, okay. This
time-This time it's okay.

Uh-Uh, I'll do it this time, just to
show you that I'm a good samurai.

Samaritan. Okay, Samaritan,
samurai. What difference does it make?

Hey buddy? Yeah. You called me?

The name is Augustus.
But you can call me Gus.

Right. Okay, Gus. Now you
can stay and sleep in the tub...

for a couple more hours, but
after that you gotta get out of here.

You got that? Oh, thank you,
young man. God bless you.

All right.

[ Truck Door Closes, Engine
Starts ] ♪♪ [ Humming ]

♪ Jelly, jelly ♪♪
[ Truck Driving Away ]

[ TV Off ]

Must be twins.

Uh, what do you
want? Excuse me, sir.

If you could just spare me a small
glass of water, I would appreciate it.

Okay. Come on
in. Stop right there.

There's mud on my rug.

Say, you don't mind drinking
out of a mayonnaise jar, do you?

I mean, you shouldn't mind
drinking out of a peanut butter jar.

Thank you very much.

Sure looks good.
[ Chuckles ] What?

This.

Here. You can have it now.

Thank you very much, sir.

You act like you ain't
never ate a sweet roll before.

Is that what this
is? A sweet roll?

[ Clicks Tongue ] I don't remember
the last time I ate a sweet roll.

Look, I don't mean to look like I'm
putting you out, but, uh, you got to go.

Did I do something
wrong? No. It's just my son...

wants you out of here
before he gets home for lunch.

See, he's not as
soft-hearted as I am. Hmm.

I wonder, what are my chances of
having lunch with you, Mr. Sanford?

Slim and none.

See now, look, you done spent the night
here. You had your continental breakfast.

Now it's check-out time.

Thank you very much.

Hello, son. Hey, Pop.

Did you get rid of that hobo?
Yeah, he's gone bye-bye.

All right. Why don't you come in
the house, I'll fix you a nice lunch.

Before that, let's get this tub
loaded on the truck, all right?

Come on in the house and get
your lunch. You need the energy.

I've got the energy. For the last time,
let's get this tub loaded on the truck.

Come on in the house. I tol...

Come here. I thought you
said you got rid of Gus?

All right, get outta
there! Yeah, come on.

Didn't I tell you to get rid of him?
It was your idea to let him stay.

That was only because
he gave me that sob

story about how he
was going to kill himself.

He's a con artist.
Get out of that tub.

Now I'm going in the
kitchen and fixing lunch.

When I come back, I
don't want to see him.

He's as good as gone, son. Come
on, you. Let's get on out of here.

Well, I'm going. But
just you remember,

I'll never contribute
to the NAACP.

Good. And I'll never
contribute to the KKK.

[ Clattering ]

[ Gus Groaning Loudly ]

What happened, Pop?
What'd you do to him?

I didn't do nothing to him. I was just
helping him out the tub and he fell down.

No, he shoved me. He shoved
me hard. Oh, oh, my back!

My legs! I can't feel my legs!
Let's get him in the house.

He crippled me. You
can't get away with this.

I have my rights. This is
America, and I'm gonna sue you.

You can't sue me. I can
sue you for trespassing.

Trespassing is nothing
compared to crippling.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Yeah? Well, there are laws in this
country to protect the common man.

Well, listen, you can
lay there for a little while,

and don't get too comfortable
'cause you gotta go.

Lamont, you don't think... Say, Pop,
we're in a lot of trouble with that guy.

What? If somebody
gets hurt on your property,

you're responsible
and they can sue you.

- I didn't do nothing to him.
- I know that,
but he claims...

Hello? Legal Aid Society?

Say, listen, I wonder if you
could answer a question for me.

Now, if somebody's
trespassing on your property,

and in the process of evicting them
they fall down and injure themselves,

is the property owner
liable to the trespasser?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, thank you.

[ Receiver Clicks In Cradle ] It's
like I said, Pop, we're responsible.

Might as well get used to Gus
being around here for a while.

What? Are you crazy?

Don't tell me nothing
like that. You mean to

tell me that Gus is
gonna live here with us...

and sleep on that
couch? Thanks to you.

Uh-uh.

Service! Service!

Another beer, please.

Why don't you get up
and go get it yourself?

Well, if a certain
vicious, old junk dealer...

hadn't paralyzed me from
the waist down, I'd be glad to.

If a certain funky old
hobo don't watch his mouth,

I know a certain
vicious, old junk dealer

who's going to paralyze
him from his waist up.

But if a certain vicious, old junk dealer
doesn't get me my cold beer soon...

and show me some compassion,
I'm gonna sue him to death.

Do you know what
that is? That's blackmail.

No, it ain't. You know
what it is? It's "whitemail."

I don't know how you're going to do
it, Pop, but I want that freeloader out.

Listen, I had an idea how to get rid of
him. I called Bubba's friend, Dr. Caldwell.

You know, the one who treated me
for whiplash? What can he tell you?

He can tell us if that guy's faking or
not. That's what he's doing, faking.

All we gotta do is
prove it. [ Loud Tapping ]

Sounds like our company's
calling for another beer.

I wish I had somebody to bring me a
nice, cold beer every time I wanted one.

Just get paralyzed
from the waist down.

I'll see you, son. Okay, Pop.

[ Truck Engine Starting ]

Well, there you are. The
service is pretty bad around here.

Where's my beer, Freddie?
Listen, don't call me Freddie.

If you don't like the service around
here, you can get up and get out.

And another thing, if you want to
commit suicide, it's all right with me.

All I ask you is not to
do it on my nice furniture.

You know, I've decided life
is worth living. [ Chuckles ]

Nixon said he'd bring us
together and darned if he didn't.

[ Knocking ]

I hope that's the delivery
from your liquor store.

Dr. Caldwell. [ Coughing ]

I gotta give it up, or
they gonna kill me.

- Them cigarettes will do it.
- No. I'm talking about
driving on the freeways.

Well, what's your trouble?

Here it is, Doc. Stretched
out over here on my couch.

I want you to examine
him. See if he's faking.

Wait a minute. What is this?

This is the doctor that came to
examine you. Now examine him, Doc.

How do I know he's a
doctor? Well, ask him.

- Are you a doctor?
- What day is this?

Friday. What's that
got to do with it?

Because on Monday, Wednesday
and Friday, I'm a doctor.

The other days, I
work in the post office.

Well, examine him, Doc. Is
there someplace to wash up?

Yeah, upstairs.
I'll get you a towel.

Not me. Him. He's filthy.

What do you mean?
I ca... I can't move.

He pushed me down
and paralyzed my legs.

Paralyzed, you say? Yeah.

Well, then. I guess we better
take a look at you. [ Coughing ]

- You feel that?
- No.

- Oh, yes.
- Uh, what is it, Doc?

I don't know.

You don't know? You
just examined him.

That is correct. But
I'm not a neurologist.

What you should do
is to take this man...

to see a specialist to determine
the extent of the damages.

- But I can't be moved.
- That's true.

Well, isn't it true that an injury of
this type could heal up overnight?

- That is true.
- And isn't it also true
that an injury of this type...

can leave a person
crippled for life?

And that is true.

So, what are you telling me? Is he gonna
be all right, or is he gonna be crippled?

I don't know.

Hey, Doc, are you sure this ain't the day
you're supposed to be at the post office?

Nevertheless, that is my
suggestion to you. And may I add,

do you have any idea
how many doctors in this

country honest enough
to say they don't know?

- How many?
- I don't know.

And that will be
$10, please. $10.

This ain't turning
out the way I thought.

Good-bye and thank you
very much. [ Coughing ]

And Doctor, cover up
when you cough like that.

Put your hand over your mouth or
something. And stay off the freeways.

[ Sighs ] You mean you
drank that beer I just gave you?

They do go fast, don't
they? [ Phone Ringing ]

Hello. Oh, Lamont. Yeah.
Hold on just a minute.

Yeah, Lamont?

Yeah, he's still here.

No. The doctor wasn't no help.

Oh, I'll get rid of him if I
have to burn the house down.

Say, that gives me an idea.

No, no. I'm not gonna burn the
house down. It just gives me an idea.

I'll see you, here? Bye.

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Help! Save yourself!

Everybody, fire! Fire!

Save yourselves! Fire! Fire!

Everybody here! Fire! Fire!

D-Didn't you hear what I said?

I believe it was fire, fire,
or something like that.

You're not just gonna sit
there and burn up, are you?

Well, I guess I've
got to, I can't move.

And bring me another beer,
please, Freddie, will you?

Listen... And make it
a cold one this time.

You keep drinking beer like you're
doing, something's gonna happen to you.

Some more cold beer coming up.

Wonder why I didn't
think of that before?

[ Fred And Gus ] ♪ Oh,
when the lights are low ♪

♪ And the dwindling shadows ♪♪

My, but you two have
become mighty chummy.

I should've known better than to
leave the two of you alone together.

Why'd you have to start drinking
with him? What's the matter with you?

Wait a minute, Lamont. Calm
down. Don't tell me to calm down.

You were supposed to get rid of
him, and I come through the door...

and find you sitting in here
singing and boozing with him.

But, listen, don't fuss in front of
company. Come in the kitchen.

Company? Since when did he become
company? Come on in the kitchen.

Shut the door. Shut the
door. I don't understand...

I'm just buttering him up
because I'm setting the trap.

He done got out of
all the other traps. But

this one, he's got
to slide right into it.

What are you talking about?
Let nature take its course.

Now, he's been
drinking beer... He's been

drinking beer all day
and didn't get up once.

Now if he keeps drinking beer like that,
he's gonna have to get up sooner or later.

The simplicity of it all. Hey, Pop,
that's perfect. Why didn't I think of that?

'Cause you ain't
simple-minded like me. Come on.

Well, Gus, everything's cleared
up. Just a little misunderstanding.

Yeah, I'm sorry I blew off the handle
like that, Gus. It won't happen again.

Yeah. Listen, Gus, we gotta go
down here to the shopping center...

Yeah. Right. and pick up a few
things, be gone about an hour.

Oh, great. Well, drink
all you want, here?

Just take it easy, Gus. I'm bringing
back plenty of beer. Keep on drinking.

[ Lamont ] Okay. [ Fred
] All right. See you later.

We got him now, Pop. I could see it in
his eyes when you offered him that beer.

Yeah. Like the French would
say, "Oui, oui, monsieur."

Shh! Listen, I'll tell you what.

You take the truck and drive it up
there and hide it around the corner,

then you come on back here to the
house and I'll meet you in the kitchen.

Roger. Roger.

[ Truck Engine Starts ]

[ Truck Drives Away ]

Did he move? Shh. He's
upstairs in the toilet now.

I think we got him this
time. [ Toilet Flushing ]

I know we got him this time.

That's what I call
the flush of victory.

Hey, listen, you call the police and I'll
go catch him when he comes down the steps.

Roger.

♪♪ [ Humming ] Uh-huh. I
caught you, didn't I? You bum you.

You thought you was fooling around
with a couple of chumps, didn't you?

Come on down here. I'm
gonna cave your skull in.

Now get out of my way,
old man. Get out of my way.

Hey, Lamont. You got
the police? [ Struggling ]

[ Clattering ]

Pop, what happened? He
attacked me, son. He attacked me.

Something snapped
in my back. Oh, no.

Oh, my legs. The feeling's
going from my legs.

Oh, I can't feel nothing
down here. Lamont, my legs.

- Call the doctor, son.
- Okay.

Call Dr. Caldwell.
And son? Yeah?

While you're at it, bring
me a nice, cold beer.

♪ The road killed my pappy ♪
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

Hey Pop. Morning, son. I'll have
your breakfast ready in a "mo."

That's the way used to say
it around St. Louis. "In a mo."

You know, like M-O for Missouri?

Listen, Pop. Before we do
anything else this morning,

let's get that tub loaded
on the truck, okay?

Are you back on that
again? Yes, I'm back on that.

Now that freeloader's gone and you
don't have any more excuses. Now let's go.

I got excuses. Look, I woke up this
morning and my side was hurting.

Then my ankle "swole" up yesterday.
Then you know my arthritis and my heart.

I coughed all day
Wednesday... One...

two... All right,
all right, all right.

You start sliding the tub over,
and I'll make room on the truck.

Gee whiz. Why you keep
putting this stuff all over...

Lamont? Come here. We
can't load the tub. What?

Why? Oh, no.

[ Fred ] Chi Chi.

Chi Chi done had her second
litter of puppies this year.

I think somebody ought
to tell her about the pill.

[ Man ] Sanford and Son is recorded
on tape before a live, studio audience.